Original subtitles

♪ I had to put in a song and it goes like... ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ It's my week to host the Langley Garden Club ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ I would kill myself if I didn't have this club ♪

- Ow!

- Oh, mama! - You scared the hell out of me.

Sorry! I was just gonna ask you to turn your music down.

Why?

I'm having my gardening club come over, if you must know.

A gardening club? I'm doing gardening right now!

This, drinking beers and a lawnmower, is not gardening.

It is if you're not a pussy.

Is that your club? They fancy.

Don't worry about it!

Please, Francine, stay away from my garden club.

I've never asked you for anything before.

You just asked me to turn my music down.

Just leave my club alone!

I didn't roll out in time.

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Ah!

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

What's cracking, guys?

We can't agree on anything to watch on Netflix,

mostly because everyone's ideas are dog shit.

Says the girl who wanted to watch Air Bud.

- You love Air Bud! - I love Air Bud 3: World Pup.

I'm a Beethoven man myself.

Are you done, Stan?

Anyway. Sounds like you guys are in a rut.

When I'm in a rut, I like to do a little tea-bagging.

- Ew, Klaus! - Not traditional teabagging.

I'm talking about the inspirational quotes on my teabag tags.

Let's see what this one says.

"The power of positivity.

Everything in the world began with a 'Yes'."

Oh, so good. I shouldn't have shared it. Don't do that one.

Maybe we need a good tea-bagging.

I mean, being negative isn't getting us anywhere.

I say we try being positive and saying yes to everything starting now.

- I guess. - Fine.

- Tea-bag me. - Not one of you said yes.

♪ Yes ♪

Can you guys believe Tuttle has a gardening club?

- Yes! - Go, Tuttle!

- Great news!

I'm surprised I even care, but as soon as he said

I couldn't be part of it, it's all I can think about.

Look who it [bleep] is.

Clowns on parade. Looking... well, pretty good.

Is she wearing a scarf as a belt?

And she's wearing a belt as a scarf?

Oh, I gotta get in this club!

Why are you still here?

- Yes! - Get over there, Mom!

- That's pretty loud. - Yes!

Excuse me? Garden people, wait up!

Whoa!

Whoa! Lady, with her titty out.

Are you in Tuttle's Garden Club?

Who? This is the Langley Falls Garden Club.

- It's run by the city. - So anyone can join?

Anyone with 40 bucks and a garden, I guess.

You apply online with a photo of your garden.

Great!

But word to the wise, make sure your garden looks good.

They're a tough audience. You ever seen Mean Girls?

Well, they hate that movie. And that movie is awesome!

I need a ride to Home Depot. Who wants to drive me?

- I think Klaus should drive. - What? Why?

Yes!

Oh, man. I really tea-bagged myself this time.

And we're here for light bulbs?

No, flower bulbs!

Dang, spicy burgs!

- Who's in? - In.

- Oh, yeah. - I'm not really into spice.

Maybe I'll try a bite.

And then eat the rest!

I don't think I've seen one Home Depot employee since we walked in.

Oh, they've hidden themselves throughout the store.

They hate helping customers.

- He's cute. - Put it in the cart.

Put it in the cart.

Put it in the cart.

Can I get some goddang help in aisle 16?

Hey, Roger.

Mike Madonia. Like "begonia," but I don't smell like one.

I work in manure. I'm The Rototiller Man.

Rototiller Man?

You mean like a guy who turns the dirt over

- so you can plant stuff? - Turn the dirt over?

Oh, yeah, I guess that's exactly it.

But I go deeper than anyone in the business.

Most only go eight to ten inches deep before they turn it over,

but I go 16 inches.

And then, and only then, do I turn it over.

- Um, no, thanks. Just in case.

Just in case.

Just in case. Just in case. Just in case.

Saying yes to things fricking rules.

We're relaxing in the sun, eating spicy burgers.

All on a porch that can be snapped together in less than 90 minutes.

You know, I could live on a porch like this.

Hey, who wants to live on this porch?

- Me. - I do.

Ugh. So spicy.

-"Mike Madonia?" Just in case.

Klaus, where should I put this? I'm thinking middle.

Yeah, no duh in the middle.

I will be notified? But when?

- Oh, right now.

I'm so happy for you!

Now let's reward ourselves with a sneak peek at Steve's browser history.

Ugh!

Oh, there's something new in my inbox.

Now all I need is something poo in my outbox.

Bathroom computer time officially ruined.

- Great party, am I right? - That's pretty.

Hey, Tuttle, check it out.

♪ You can find me in da club ♪

What the hell are you doing?

Looks like Cherry Street's got two competitors

in the Home Depot Garden Competition this year, Al.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You see this twig, Francine? This twig is me.

And you're bending me. Keep bending and I'm gonna snap.

Al, what are you doing to that twig, you weirdo?

Hey, Sandy said you might enter the Home Depot Competition?

Get this, it's hosted by Kyra Sedgwick this year!

The winner gets a plaque and a $1,000 Home Depot gift card.

Ooh, I could do a lot back here with $1,000.

No, this isn't a garden!

It's a football goose and a sunflower.

We would be a laughingstock if this... this thing,

this abomination was even entered!

This club has standards! Scones!

Scones at my house.

Scones!

These ladies love scones, but you'll never know that.

But now I do know that.

You almost made me forget my twig.

All I wanted to do was be part of the club,

and Tuttle made me look like a fool!

- Aww.

Don't roundhouse the goose. He's an innocent.

Klaus, look.

Roger's a gardening genius this week!

If he can save my garden, I can win the Home Depot competition

and put Tuttle in his place.

Are you sure you want to involve a Roger persona?

I have to. I mean,

they left me for scones, Klaus.

Ugh, the the worst pastry of all, so dry.

God damn it! Where's my phone?

- Argh! My [bleep] foot!

Son of a bitch! What in the world did I step on, a Bugle?

Oh. I'll be, it's an old Bugle. My phone ringing?

Yes.

Oh, hey, guys. Who you calling, Francine?

She's calling Rototiller Man.

Oh, Mike Madonia? Be right down.

Get on! Get on! Get on! I can't stop this thing!

Hey, babe, have you seen my dad or Steve lately?

They went inside to use the bathroom,

but I think customers keep asking them for help.

And they keep saying yes. Nice.

Roger, slow down! We're here!

I like to really hammer the accelerator in the lumber section.

Smoke out all the rats.

Plus, we're not going to regular Home Depot.

We're going into the secret section that only professionals can get into.

Aisle nine and three quarters.

Roger, this isn't an aisle. We're out in the woods.

Yeah, that was a nearly impossible-to-get Harry Potter joke.

I was just trying to prepare you

for the magical nature of what you're about to see.

- Feed me! - Eat me!

Hey, isn't that the plant from that musical?

Yeah, but we don't mess with anything back here,

except the lady selling worms.

Hey, Madonia, what can I do you for?

Let's get a stack of Delaware Diggers and a case of West Texas Jumbos.

So how come you like worms so much?

Well, sometimes I worry that one of the worms

crawled in my ear and is now controlling my brain.

But that did not happen.

Worms are cool and control nothing.

You're taking the guard off? You sure that's safe?

I'm sure it's unsafe, but you know what they say,

"Safety last, deepness first."

It's also how the world's largest rototiller is.

Actually, I'm thinking about upgrading.

Wow. Big. - Yeah. World's largest.

I'm gonna go check it out as soon as I'm done here fixing your life.

♪ Steal away ♪

♪ The weakest one ♪

Snap.

Mr. Madonia!

I thought you'd be on your way to see that big-ass rototiller by now.

I am. But I wanted to swing by and give you this first.

Just a little something for good luck in the competition tomorrow.

For me? I feel like I owe you.

Oh, you do. You owe me $67,000.

What? Let me see that.

Kidding. This is just a blank piece of paper I found.

I'll find a use for it.

Oh, please open the gift immediately.

It's a live animal

I had professionally gift-wrapped at the mall yesterday.

Oh, my!

Ooh, he fancy.

Where'd he go?

I told you I'd find a use for it.

Francine, come quick!

Your garden!

Good luck in the competition tomorrow, Franny.

This is bad. We should just kill ourselves in the woods.

The woods!

Francine, I was only kidding.

At least you still got the goose!

He got the goose.

- Mom? - No time!

She must have seen our deal on flooring.

My fingers are pure callus from cutting keys all day.

Well, not to one-up you,

but I basically cut off my hand on the table saw.

Luckily, there was a staple gun nearby.

You win this round, Dad.

What is this crap?

It's steroid fertilizer

from the black market section of Home Depot.

Whoa.

- This seems like cheating, Francine. - You can say that again.

But not when the judges are here, okay?

Hurray! Our fancy-ass goose is back.

Great.

Let's catch some z's before the competition starts.

Klaus!

Maybe we went too heavy on the fertilizer.

Um... Klaus, your tail.

- Do you feel okay?

Oh, ho-ho!

I feel juicy as hell. Let me get a quick snap for Danuta.

She's gonna wanna see my beedonk.

I don't know, Klaus. Something feels very wrong.

I mean, look at the big hole!

Maybe it is a little bigger, but I guess it had to be.

Memphis Stormfront here with Kyra Sedgwick,

kicking off the Home Depot Garden competition.

Kyra, you're an amazing actress,

so you must get asked this a lot.

Where's your more-famous husband?

He's right there.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's Kevin Bacon!

Yeah, I know.

Should I go over to him, or would that be weird?

- That'd be weird. - Because he's so private.

Because we're on live TV and this is a garden competition that I'm hosting.

I'm sorry. Opportunities like this, they just don't...

Oh, my God, my heart's beating so fast!

Graboids. That's what the worms in the movie Tremors are called.

These monsters respond to loud noises and vibrations!

Everyone on their roofs! Like in the movie Tremors!

But I haven't seen that movie!

Oh, God, I hadn't even considered that possibility.

For anybody out there who hasn't seen the movie Tremors, it's on Pluto TV.

Now I'll warn you, there are some ads, but it's worth it.

It's the only movie I've ever been in that teaches you how to get on a roof!

- Kevin!

Where? Did he come out of the car?

Oh, it's working, Klaus.

Everyone got Kevin Bacon's final message.

Speaking of final message, I think Danuta was eaten by one of your mutant worms

because she left my beedonk pic on read.

Oh, no, what if I sent her to heaven horny?

Tuttle! Cut the noise and get on your roof!

Beat it, debris! I've got a garden competition to win!

Kablooey! I'm blowing the competition away. L-O-L!

We gotta save Tuttle.

There's no use being a hero, Francine. Danuta is already dead.

Help! My neighbor's gone crazy.

- What the heck was that? - Quiet!

You saved me.

Shut up! No one is saved yet.

Those things are attracted to noise and vibrations!

A-ha!

Then we're gonna Pied Piper these mothers!

- It's working. - Great! Now what?

Lucky I knew what I wanted. Some jerk knocked down your menu sign.

Go for Madonia.

Mike, you remember that giant rototiller you showed me?

Why? Has it already been reported stolen?

Oh, you're the best! Rototill your ass to Chimdale!

I've got a huge job for ya!

Just in case.

It's Mike Madonia! Lead the worms into the rototiller blades!

- Tuttle, what are you doing? - I'm gonna jump it.

You can't jump that thing.

- Sure I can. Whoa!

I did it! Mike Madonia saved the day--

- What were those things? - Things?

Al, those worms were your fault.

- They were? - Yes.

You wanted to keep me out of your club so bad

that I had to use mutant fertilizer to get back at you.

Well, that tracks.

It's just, the ladies in the club, they like me.

They call me Cool Al.

I knew if you joined, you'd tell them the truth.

That tracks. I am a very truthful person.

But the truth is, you are cool.

And I can call you cool... No.

What if I call you Big Al?

I'd like that.

Guys, Danuta replied to my butt selfie.

She said she's reporting me to Boost Mobile!

The game begins.

- Kyra, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you.

But I can't let you leave without awarding the plaque to someone.

Is this is a joke?

It's not, no. You gotta do it. Them's the rules.

Here.

Oh, sick. Check it out, guys. Our positivity paid off.

Oh. Don't forget the gift card.

Here.

Hey, you're that actress who married Kevin Bacon. What's he like?

He's... He's dead!

Well, what was he like?

- Hey, babe.

- Kev, you're alive? - Hell, yeah.

Our love is too strong for some monstrous killer worm.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're back.

You're never getting rid of me, babe.