All language subtitles for The Good Place - 03x12 - Pandemonium

That's why I can't do it.
It's just too scary.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. No!

[KNOCKING] Hello?

Okay, listen.

There's a guy out there who's awake

and doesn't know what's happening, okay?

You gotta pull it together.
You've got this.

No, I absolutely do not.

I'm not meant for any of this, Eleanor.

- I'm just middle management!
- [SHUSHES]

What if I fail?

It'll be like the failure
to end all failures.

It'll be... an epic fail.

Is my tie getting tighter,

or is my neck getting fatter somehow?

Oh, this is what we do.

We tell the judge we have
to cancel the experiment

because I have a fat
neck. She'll understand.

[KNOCKING] Anyone?

Uh, okay, Michael. Listen.

You can do this. You are Michael.

You are smart and capable. And
you're a fearless leader.

And you are gonna take a deep breath,

stand up, open that door and say,

"Hi, John. I'm Michael.
I'm the Architect.

Come on in." Got it?

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Hi, John. I'm Eleanor.

I'm the Architect. Come on in.

[UPLIFTING MUSIC]

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

So,

let me sum this up for you, John.

- Ya dead.
- What?

But don't worry, it's
okay that you're dead,

because you, John Wheaton,

are in the Good Place.

You're here because of all

the incredible things you did on Earth,

which are all right in front of me,

so let me just check your file.

Mmm, good. Yes.

That's what I thought.

Wow, John, what a life you've led.

Sorry, did I introduce
Michael? [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

He's my assistant.

Hi.

He just transferred over here

from Dog heaven, so, you know,

he's still getting used to people.

What do you say I show you
around the neighborhood?

So are you, like, an angel or something?

Oh, John, aren't you sweet?
Enough about me.

So, everything you see is here

for you to enjoy for eternity,

you and your 321 neighbors.

Ooh, uh, why is it 322 people?

Is that number significant somehow?

Well... Janet?

- [SOFT BEEP]
- Hi, there.

It's me, Eleanor,

the Architect of the neighborhood.

Yep, that is certainly information

that I already knew.

Janet is a walking database

of all the knowledge in the universe,

and since you, John,

seem to like asking a
relentless number of questions,

go ahead. Ask her anything.

Okay, um,

what's the craziest
secret celebrity hook up?

Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg,

on and off for years.

Okay, wow.

Wait, so you really do know everything?

Kinda seems like she should
be running the neighborhood.

Yes, John, in retrospect,

that does seem like a much better idea.

Hey, Janet, why don't you take
John inside to get some froyo?

We'll catch up with you later.
Get over here now, dummy.

- I'm sorry.
- Guys.

- Guys, guys, guys.
- Uh-oh.

Michael looks like me. That's bad.

Fun little update.

Michael was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

So, new plan. I'm now the Architect.

And stop making those faces
because I already told John,

and there's no going back now.

Well, if I could pick anyone

to impersonate an immortal deity,

well, it would be me,

but if it couldn't be me, it'd be you.

Yeah, you're gonna rock this.

You're like the Blake Bortles

of whatever's going on right now.

- I'm not really sure.
- Thanks, guys.

I think I can be the Architect.

I saw how Michael ran the neighborhood

in the memories he showed
me and there was, like,

a four-year period where
Brad Pitt really wanted

everyone to know how into
Architecture he was,

and I read a lot of those interviews,

so I think that might help me.

And before long, Michael
will be back to his old self

and he can step in and take over, right?

Look at the four of you all together.

Oh, I love you so much.

Okay, okay. That's okay.

Chidi, have Janet translate
the gibberish of these files.

Tahani, continue working
on the welcome party.

Oh, yes, the party. So, for the napkins,

I would normally do a queen's tuck,

but I was thinking of
shaking things up a bit

with a Yorkshire butterfly.

And this could not
matter less. Very sorry.

- Good-bye.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hey, how's it going?
- This is overwhelming.

It's every thought and decision

and action from this guy's entire life.

Like, this whole box is
just one trip to Wendy's.

Well, keep reading.
According to Michael,

I usually asked for your
help by, like, day two,

so you need to be ready.

You know what? At first,
I was kinda nervous.

But so far, I think I'm doing okay.

It's like I became such a
good person I almost forgot

I'm a world-class liar, baby.

Very fun thing to hear
from your girlfriend.

You're doing great, and I have to admit,

you being the Architect is kinda hot.

It's kinda like I'm
secretly dating my boss...

not that I ever would have done that.

Yeah, no, me neither.

So, same. Same.

All right, I gotta get
ready for the next person.

Well then, I will say
good-bye to you platonically

the same way a resident would
say good-bye to an Architect.

Eleanor, what if John had seen us?

I'm scared, and yet somehow turned on?

Scared is the best way to be horny.

[GASPS] Oh, now who's
doing the teaching?

- [CLIPBOARD SMACKS]
- Hey, now, all right.

A little higher. Thank you.

Tahani Al-Jamil.

Yes? Do I know you?

Uh, no, no, but I know you.

I used to write about you
all the time on my blog.

"The Gossip Toilet."

We were the ones that invented
the Olsen twins countdown clock

for when they became
legal. That was our blog.

That was us. [LAUGHS]

Oh, my. You were quite mean to me.

Oh, no. I wouldn't call it mean, okay?

My targets were rich and
high status and I was just

doing the important work
of telling truth to power.

So, wait, what about you,
huh? You died in Canada?

[SHOUTS]

That is so weird and embarrassing.

That's like the nip slip
of dying... [LAUGHS]

Okay, listen. We're
gonna catch up later.

I can't wait to hear all
about your new nose.

Oh, no. I didn't get a nose job.

Oh, I know, I just
figured we're in heaven

so we might as well fix
all of our flaws, right?

Like, look at me.

Nothing is staying on this face.

- [LAUGHS] Gosh.
- Huh.

What are the odds that you and I

would end up spending eternity together?

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Eleanor, Michael, it is I, Tahani.

Yeah, we know, babe. What's wrong?

I know John... rather, he knows me.

He's a gossip columnist
who tortured me on Earth.

He made it seem like I was shallow,

plagued with jealousy,

and prone to fits of melodrama.

- What are you saying?
- Don't you see?

The Bad Place didn't
pick the worst people.

They picked the people who
would be the worst for us.

Of course. How did I
not anticipate this?

Shawn didn't just choose a
bunch of serial killers.

He chose your tormenters or arch rivals.

Or exes.

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

Those motherforkers.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

This is insane and obviously
against the rules.

Yeah, too bad it's not, dill hole.

She'll remember them.

It's going to destroy the integrity

of the experiment, Your Honor.

Plus, now I have to live
next to a man who once lied

and said I wasn't at
Diddy's White Party.

I was there, Eleanor.

I was. You must believe me.

And how are we gonna make Simone better

when she's asleep the whole time?

Hello? We can't work with this.

Your Honor, you never
stipulated that we couldn't

choose people who had some
sort of connection to them.

And Simone just happened
to die on Earth,

which was really, really
cool... [CHUCKLES]

You wanna know how it happened, Chidi?

It's hilarious.

- No!
- Okay, here's my ruling.

It's not against the rules
for the four new humans

to have connections
to the original four.

- Simone and John can stay.
- Booyah.

But it was kind of a dirty trick,

so Michael can erase Simone's memory

to the point before she met any of you.

Fine. Have fun with your ex, Chidi.

What's that thing you humans
say when you're playing chess

and you trap your opponent
into an inescapable position?

Oh, right. Eat butt, you ding dongs.

[MAGICAL CHIMING]

Okay, okay. Focus, team.

Michael and I will prep for Simone.

Tahani, keep an eye on John.

Jason, talk to no one. Go nowhere.

- Do nothing.
- I won't let you down.

Okay, go, guys.

- Are you okay?
- I... no.

Very obviously, no.

Look, you could spend 100
years in this neighborhood

before you even run into Simone.

It'll be easy to avoid her.

No, no, but we don't
want me to avoid her.

The whole plan is that I'm
supposed to help them

learn ethics so they can improve.

Okay, okay. We can deal with that later.

Let's just take this step by step.

Step one, you leave so I can snap your

amnesiac ex-girlfriend out
of her post-death coma

and welcome her into fake heaven.

That's step one?

[UNEASY MUSIC]

- Janet?
- Hi, there.

Give me your opinion. Is
this a savage insult?

"Nice shirt. Who designed it?

Marc Fake-obs?"

For people in your social class,

that is 84% savage.

Although there is a 29% chance
he responds, "Oh, honey,"

in a tone so devastating
you will think of it

every day for the rest of time.

I like those odds.

I'll go lay it on him now.

No.

That's exactly what the
Bad Place wants me to do.

They sent John here to drag me
back into my old patterns...

insecurity, obsession
with social status.

I shan't let it happen.

John, I'm happy you're here with me.

This is going to be good for both of us,

and I look forward to
putting the past behind us

and becoming your friend.

Oh, my God. You are so cute.

You are so cute, it's
gross. You disgust me.

I love you. Get out of here.

I never want to see you
again. I love you so much.

[SIGHS]

Hi, Simone. I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.

So, as a neuroscientist,

are you surprised there's an afterlife?

I am, frankly.

I mean, there's a decent
chance this entire thing

is just a complex
electrochemical reaction

caused by my synapses randomly firing

in the millisecond after my death.

But this fro-yo is amazing, so
I'm just gonna roll with it.

What flavor did you get?

I got a twist... half strawberry,

half male-coworker-gets-called-
out-for-stealing-your-ideas.

- Ooh, those go great together.
- Mmm.

- Hi.
- Mmm, hi.

Wow, all the other
residents seem so nice.

- The residents are great, yes.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

But, uh,

don't feel like you need to get
to know all of them right away.

Maybe just talk to Michael
and me for the first...

I dunno, 6,000 years or so.

Anyway, you just chill, baby girl.

We'll check in with you later.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

That went pretty well, right?

I've always been good at pretending

I've never met people before.

It's kinda my go-to power move.

I think this new dynamic
may actually be good.

You know, it gives me more
time to observe and plan.

You'll be the face of the operation

and I'll be the mastermind
behind the scenes,

like Cyrano De Bergerac.

Like, Kris Jenner.

Oh! Totally.

Yeah, I think this is gonna be okay.

- Yeah.
- No, it won't.

It won't be okay,

which is why you need to erase
my memory and reboot me.

[TENSE MUSIC]

What are you talking
about? No forking way.

- We're not rebooting you.
- Shawn was right.

Bringing Simone to this neighborhood,

it's checkmate. It
completely neutralizes me.

I'll be too freaked out to
help the new residents.

The only way to outflank
Shawn is to make it

so I don't remember Simone.

So, you have to run into
your ex occasionally.

That's a part of life, man.

I used to run into my exes
all the time at the mall,

at the dentist office,

when I drunk texted them and
told them to come over.

Look, Simone is really perceptive.

I might slip up and reveal something.

Look, this isn't just about me
feeling awkward around my ex.

It's more about, if I am
awkward around my ex,

everyone gets tortured forever.

♪ ♪

No, there has to be another way.

Oh, I've got it.

Just remove Simone from Chidi's memory

and keep everything else.

- Boom.
- It doesn't work that way.

You all spent a lot of time together,

so his memories of you and her
are all swirled together.

But let's keep thinking.

Guys, I've thought about
this from every angle.

If we don't wipe my memory,

I will, one way or the
other, ruin the experiment.

- You know I'm right.
- No. No, man.

It can't be, because if
we erase your memory

all the way back to
before you met Simone,

that includes Australia and the study

and the Soul Squad and everything.

- That would be erasing...
- Us.

I know.

So, the plan is to erase Chidi's memory

all the way back to when
the air conditioner

fell on his head in his
original timeline.

The judge has given us
until tomorrow morning

before we have to bring in
the other two subjects.

Tahani, the welcome party
will be tomorrow night.

Next time you see me,

it'll be like I'm a new resident.

I won't know any of you.

So, will you remember
that time in Australia

when we stayed up late and
we ate pizza together?

No, buddy, I won't.

Will you remember when
we ordered the pizza?

No.

Will you remember pizza?

Will I remember what pizza... is?

Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

- Okay, so not a total loss.
- But this is awful.

You two won't be together anymore.

I haven't met a more perfect couple

since I set up Drake with
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Yes, we will no longer be together.

The Bad Place has pulled off

the most intricate cork
blork of all time.

Hmm, it's a nice touch that

the cursing filter maintains the rhyme.

I appreciate that attention to detail.

Hang on. I'm not giving up yet.

Let's have an old-fashioned
brainstorming session.

We'll get Chinese food,

and we'll throw pencils and
stick them in the ceiling,

and someone will say something
innocuous and I'll say, "Wait.

Say that again."

Michael, if there was another
choice, we'd choose it.

Believe me.

You like learning about humans, right?

This is a classic human situation.

Your friends are going
through something awful,

and there is nothing
you can do about it.

Anyway, let's just rip the Band-Aid off.

Snappy, snappy, wipey, wipey.

I need a few minutes to
work it all out, so...

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[DOOR CLICKS]

I hate this. And I'm sorry.

And did I say that I hate
this? Because I hate this.

You don't need to apologize
for making a huge sacrifice

to save your friends.

This is why people love moral
philosophy professors.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Well, how about this?

Every time you see me
get a stomach ache,

imagine I'm thinking of you.

So, all the time?

Exactly.

Sorry to interrupt.

I wanted to give both of you something

before we do this.

Think of it as a going-away present.

[MAGICAL TWINKLING]

- _
- [PROJECTOR CLICKING SOFTLY]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[SNIFFS]

I don't normally cry
at movies... [SCOFFS]

But that one was pretty good... [SNIFFS]

That girl was hot.

The guy was, too.

I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.

Except you won't.

That's what's so scary
about this whole thing.

I'm gonna miss you.

You're just gonna think I'm
some sexy godlike figure

who you wanna hump immediately
after meeting her.

I know you're deflecting

by making jokes about how hot you are.

It's not a joke. I'm a legit snack.

- But I believe in you.
- [SNIFFS]

I am not even scared to get
rebooted because I know

that you'll be here, taking care of me.

I wish we had more time together.

Oh, time means nothing.

Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll
just get through this.

And then you and I can chill out

in the dot of the eye forever.

Right.

We'll be okay.

We found each other
before hundreds of times.

We can do it again.

[SIGHS]

Bye, Chidi.

- Janet?
- [SOFT BEEP]

- Hi, there.
- Hi, Janet.

Can you just, you know, like,

tell me the answer?

Sorry?

You know, the answer to everything.

You know all there is to
know in the universe.

Crunch the numbers. Tell me the answer.

What's the point of love if
it's just gonna disappear?

And how is it worse to not love anybody?

There has to be meaning to existence,

otherwise the universe
is just made of pain,

and I don't like the thought of that,

so tell me the answer.

I know how you feel.

Back on Earth, I had to watch

Jason have no recognition of me.

It felt like...

right before someone pushes
a plunger and murders you.

Sure.

The more human I become,

the less things make sense.

But that's part of the fun, right?

What do you mean?

If there were an answer
I could give you to

how the universe works,
it wouldn't be special.

It would just be machinery
fulfilling its cosmic design.

It would just be a big,
dumb food processor.

But since nothing seems to make sense,

when you find something
or someone that does,

it's euphoria.

In all this randomness
and this pandemonium,

you and Chidi found each other,

and you had a life together.

Isn't that remarkable?

Pandemonium is from "Paradise Lost."

Milton called the center
of hell, "Pandemonium,"

meaning, "place of all demons."

Chidi tricked me into
reading "Paradise Lost"

by telling me Satan was,

and I quote, "my type."

A big, mean, bald guy with a goatee.

- I mean, he wasn't wrong.
- Oh, no.

That's very on brand for you.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

I guess all I can do is

embrace the pandemonium,

find happiness in the unique insanity

of being here, now.

We'll do this together.

In the words of the man that I love,

"I got you, dog."

- Thanks, Janet.
- Mmm.

You know, for a robot,

you make a really good girl friend.

I'm one out of three of those things,

but thank you.

Good luck. [SOFT BEEP]

Okay.

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hi, Chidi.

I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --