Original subtitles

Hi, Peggy.

We just came by to borrow some lawn chairs.

Jefferson's taking me to the beach.

The beach, huh?

Gee, I can't remember the last time Al took me to the beach.

Can't remember the last time Al took me.

- Sure as hell wasn't at the beach. - Oh, Peggy.

It's such a shame you didn't marry into your own species.

Vertebrates love to go places with their wives.

- Take Jefferson. - Like you wouldn't want him back.

For example, I meant.

In the book that I got him, The Woman Is Always Right...

...Jefferson has learned the ABC's of any good marriage are--

Appreciation, balance and consideration.

Well, you know, Al believes in the ABC's of a good marriage too.

Only his are air conditioning, beer...

...and "Could you shut up so I can enjoy my air conditioning and beer?"

Come on, Marcie, your stuff's in the garage.

Al, how come you never take me to the beach?

What's the point? You'd just find your way back.

I really wish you two were coming with us.

I hate seeing Al shirtless as much as anyone...

...but there's no better way to keep the flies off the food.

On the bright side, there's no lifeguard...

...that would give her mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

Hey, guess what happened to me today at the shoe store.

A cop came in, gave you a ticket for loitering?

So no friends at all are enough for you now?

- I'm sorry, Al. Go ahead. - Okay.

Jefferson, was there ever a girl in your life...

...that you were so nuts about, so crazy for, so unbelievably in love with...

...that you would do anything she asked you?

Yes, Marcie.

Really?

Yep. Marcie McGuire, my third grade teacher.

I remember she used to wear this certain skirt...

...and sometimes if there was a lot of static electricity in the air it would--

Jefferson, this is my story.

What would it do?

Cling to her bottom.

Anyway, there I was in the shoe store...

...and guess who I heard from?

Mary Ellen Listfield.

My Marcie McGuire.

You should've seen her.

She was the most beautiful girl in the neighborhood. I was so in love.

So...

...did you do her?

You're a toad, you know that, Jefferson?

Why would I say I was in love with her if I ever had sex with her?

Good point, Al. You're right. So go ahead. What happened?

Well, she went off to college...

...but before she went I told her if she ever needed anything to call.

- And today she did. - So now you're gonna do her.

My doing days are over, Jefferson.

I'm done.

But get this.

She's back in the neighborhood running her father's old soda shop.

Now, a few kids in the neighborhood are giving her a bad time.

So I'm gonna go straighten things out.

- What're you gonna tell Peggy? - Same thing I've told her my whole life.

That what I do is none of her damn business!

Al, Al, Al.

Have you ever read the book:

The Man Is Always Right?

No. Wife wouldn't let me.

Well, in the chapter titled, "My God, Is She Still Here?"...

...it states that the longer a couple has been married...

...the less likely a man can hide anything from his wife.

There hasn't been a woman made yet smart enough to read Al Bundy.

Hi, Peg.

What're you hiding?

- I was at the shoe store today when-- - When, when...

...when he realized that he hasn't taken you...

...on that second honeymoon that you've always dreamed of.

And now he is.

- Now I am? - Oh, Al, you are?

- You really do care. - But Peg, I don't. I swear that I don't.

I gotta go tell Marcie.

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

Then why aren't you crossing your legs?

Look, Al, don't you get it?

Now she can't suspect anything.

All you do is you just go get a hotel near the old neighborhood...

...and after you take care of business, then you can go take care of business.

But that means I have to sex with my wife.

Hey. Sometimes if you wanna win the war you have to burn the village.

Al, this is so exciting.

Look at this room.

Look at this bed.

And it's even made.

Our second honeymoon.

Just you and me together for the whole weekend.

Gee, Al, I wish you could feel my heart.

I wish I could feel your throat.

But enough foreplay.

This is our honeymoon and I say we shouldn't waste another minute of it.

Oh, baby.

Well, I haven't seen you like this since Ginger week on Gilligan's Island.

So, what'd you have in mind?

First we get out of these clothes...

...and then start things off with a good, long, hard nap.

- Nap? - Yes, Peg. Just you and me.

- Or better yet, just you. - But, Al, I wanted to fool around.

Oh, Peg, that'd be just like our first honeymoon.

Well, not if we fool around together.

- Just a quickie, Al. - Peg.

Please, just a quickie. I promise. And then I'll go right to sleep.

Oh, all right.

But make it quick because I'm not in the mood--

- Hey, buddy, can you help me out? - No, sorry, I already gave at the wife.

I'm here to see Mary Ellen.

Oh, she's upstairs.

- Hey, aren't you Al Bundy? - Himself.

- How'd you know? - Everybody knows you, Mr. Bundy.

That's the thing about coming home, they never forget you.

Say, little girl, you look familiar.

You wouldn't happen to be Mary Ellen's daughter, by any chance?

Me? No. I'm Jackie, her niece.

Yes! I knew it.

My dream girl's still untouched.

All Aunt Mary's kids are grown.

Oh, well, what did you expect...

...the same little virgin you used to walk to school?

So someone else touched her, what difference does it make?

Damn slut.

- Hi, Al. - Oh, Mary Ellen.

Well, you don't look like a slut at all.

Thanks, Al.

You're not exactly a sack of road apples yourself.

Well, I try to keep in shape.

- It's been a long time, Al. - Yeah, it sure has.

Hey, congratulations. Jackie tells me you had some sex. I mean, some kids.

Yeah. Three, actually. How about you?

No sex. Two kids. Three dollars. Not on me.

Oh, but listen. I gotta be honest. I can't stay long.

The wife thinks I'm in the bathroom, so I can only stay a couple of hours.

Hey, you wanna tell me about those kids who've been hassling you?

Well, the main one's name is Ray Ray and he's not a bad kid, actually.

In a lot of ways he reminds me of the way you were.

I don't wanna get him in trouble, Al, I just figured...

...with you guys being so similar that--

Here he comes.

What, this little punk?

What's so similar about us?

Hey, give me a couple of steak and egg sandwiches, huh?

In my day, when two people were talking, a man would wait his turn.

Yeah, well, in your day there only were two people.

Now give me a couple of steak and egg sandwiches.

You never paid for the ones you had last night.

That's why I said "Give me."

Do I know you, man?

Ever hear of Al Bundy?

Polk High. All City.

Four touchdowns in one game.

- No. - Hey, wait a minute, Ray Ray.

It's that bad check guy.

Oh, yeah. Al Bundy. Hey, what is up, Al?

I was king of these streets before you were the gleam in the eyes...

...of a couple of strangers at an Eagles concert.

And that lady you've been picking on is a friend of mine.

So as the former king of the streets to a pretender to the throne...

...we can handle this two ways:

Either in here like gentlemen...

...or out there like Ren and Stimpy.

The choice is up to you.

Begging your highnesses pardon, but if I may suggest a third option.

Al, are you okay?

You've been in there for almost two hours.

Do you need any...

...help?

Nope. I'm fine.

Just savoring the moment.

- Al, what happened? - Cut myself shaving.

Hey, Peg...

...I was king of the streets once, wasn't I?

Of course you were king of the streets once, honey.

You and your boys. You remember.

Crazy Andy Goozick.

Pete "The Beat" Rombalo.

Tony "The Tongue" McCullough.

Wait a second, Peg.

I never knew anyone named Tony the Tongue.

Well, I guess he must have been one of my boys.

Yeah, my boys.

That's what I need. My boys.

Oh, no, you don't, Al.

- You can do this all by yourself. - Do what, Peg?

Yo, Ray Ray.

Okay, punk.

- You okay, Skippy? - Yeah, I'm all right.

Good.

What, do you got doughnuts in that thing?

We walked from the car, okay?

As I was saying...

...now that the odds are a little fairer...

...let's re-examine your options.

What, are we supposed to be scared?

Well, let me tell you something about the king and his court.

Well, this certainly sucks.

But it's no time to panic.

If you're still the king just say what a king would say.

Can't we all just get along?

Oh, please let her be asleep.

Oh, please. Oh, please. Oh, please.

Thank you.

Al.

Peg...

...can't we all just get along?

Well, well, well.

Kud. Belly.

What are you four doing here?

Daddy, we know what you've been doing. It's all over town.

That I've been having sex with my wife? No, I'm ruined.

Not that, eggplant.

We're talking about fighting in the street with Ray Ray's boys.

Daddy, this is Chicago. 1990s.

This is not some gunfight at the "Okey" Corral.

O.K.

Yeah, I'm all right, I'm just a little pissed.

Now, kids, I appreciate your concern...

...but I have given my word to a very dear old friend.

And as soon as I can remember her name and where she lives...

...I'm going back there.

Have I gone yet?

- No, Dad. - Well, then give me a push.

Now help me up.

Yo, Ray.

What is it with you, Bundy?

You still not getting enough curb in your diet?

I mean, we knock you around, you come back.

Why? Why do you do it?

For the same reason men climb mountains...

...or sail across the sea alone.

For the only reason that a rational man would do an irrational thing like this.

Pride.

No. Women.

I'm a moron, Ray Ray.

We're all morons. That's what comes from being a man.

From the first little worm they dare us to eat...

...to the last big shovelful of snow they convince us we can move.

We're nothing more to women...

...than an amusement park ride with life insurance.

Why else would we do the idiotic things that we do?

For example:

- You ski? - No.

Well, you will someday if a girl wants you to. We all will.

We'd hurdle down that mountain so fast...

...that the crack of our bodies hitting the tree...

...wouldn't even resonate before we'd pounce up and say, "I'm okay."

They know we're not okay.

Even if they missed that pair of squirrels...

...running away with our hacky sacks...

...one glance at the color of the snow would hint there might be some trauma.

We've all been to a weight room when a girl walks by and said to ourselves:

"Gee, I think I'll start today's warm-up bench press with oh, nine tons."

So you see, Ray Ray...

...as long as there's women...

...there'll be men around doing stupid things to impress them.

That's why I'm here.

That's why you're here.

That's why they're here.

Now, someday you may evolve beyond this...

...but it's too late for me.

I'm too old, too married and lost far too many hacky sacks.

So...

...it's either I split so you look cool in front of your girl.

Or you look cool in front of yours and kill me.

Let's rock.

I owe you a lot of thanks.

If you were telling the truth about the reason you did this...

...I guess I owe you an apology too.

What for? For being a woman?

Accepted.

Hey, Mary Ellen, let me ask you something.

If I wasn't married...

...and I did what I did for you...

...would I get to nail you?

No.

Then it was all worth it.