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I always know what my mom is thinking,
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00:00:04,934 --> 00:00:06,100
because she tells me.
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Do you want me to call FEMA
to help with this disaster
4
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- you call a living room?
- Okay.
5
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:12,739
But my dad is a mystery to me.
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00:00:12,741 --> 00:00:14,541
No matter what you ask,
he always answers
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in short, vague phrases.
He's like a Magic 8-Ball.
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00:00:17,596 --> 00:00:19,780
- Hey, Dad, how you feeling?
- Okie dokie.
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00:00:19,782 --> 00:00:21,181
How's retirement treating you?
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00:00:21,183 --> 00:00:23,066
- Great.
- Quick question.
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00:00:23,068 --> 00:00:24,485
Do you believe in life after death?
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Ask again later.
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Our dynamic has worked just fine
for 40-somethin' years, until now.
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00:00:29,658 --> 00:00:31,975
See, Dad's been acting
kind of strange lately,
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00:00:31,977 --> 00:00:33,460
and because he's so closed-mouthed,
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I have no way of finding out why.
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00:00:35,414 --> 00:00:38,148
Hey, honey, do you think
something's wrong with my dad?
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00:00:38,150 --> 00:00:40,384
Yes, he's married
to the Mother of Dragons.
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00:00:40,386 --> 00:00:43,070
No, I just mean that he's
been kind of spacey lately,
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and he's never dressed like that before.
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What's with that shirt? And those socks?
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You know, your mom
did mention that he forgot to
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show up for a dinner with
their friends last night,
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Maybe he was rummaging
around in the attic,
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and found a parrot costume.
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Okay, he just bit into an orange
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like it's an apple.
I am officially freaking out.
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00:00:57,153 --> 00:00:59,784
- Maybe that's an Indian thing.
- What? It's not, I'm Indian.
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00:00:59,819 --> 00:01:01,132
Have you ever seen me do that before?
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00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,605
Sweetie, you're not Indian Indian.
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- You weren't born in India.
- Okay.
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You should be very glad that our family
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- does not have an HR person.
- Sweetie, I don't mean to
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00:01:06,929 --> 00:01:08,262
alarm you,
but your dad is getting older,
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00:01:08,264 --> 00:01:09,796
and sometimes, when people get older,
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they get more eccentric. My Aunt Muriel?
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With the cowboy hat?
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The woman's never been on a horse.
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00:01:14,451 --> 00:01:16,870
David's right. My dad is getting older,
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and I don't even really know him.
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I wish I could connect with him
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before I'm connecting
him to life support.
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_
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So what did you get up to
this weekend, Griff?
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Video games, Grandma's funeral.
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Oh, damn.
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- What'd you play?
- It's a new game.
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- It's in beta.
- Wait, that's all you're
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gonna say about your
grandmother's funeral?
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00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:45,732
Well, what do you want to know?
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- I covered all the bases.
- Why don't men open up?
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First of all, we don't have
as many holes as you, but...
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Oh, God, somebody else answer.
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I got this. So the image of the strong,
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silent male is a fallacy
created by Western civilization
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to justify the distance
of the remote father-god.
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00:02:00,482 --> 00:02:02,583
That holes theory is starting
to sound pretty good now, huh?
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00:02:02,585 --> 00:02:04,067
It's just... My dad's getting older,
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00:02:04,069 --> 00:02:06,587
and he's just not acting
like himself lately.
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00:02:06,589 --> 00:02:08,422
Maybe I've just missed the
chance to really know him.
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00:02:08,424 --> 00:02:11,458
- What's he been doing?
- Dressing fancy for no reason.
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Oh, and the other day, he had plans
with my mom, and just never showed up.
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00:02:14,630 --> 00:02:16,413
Part of me is worried.
I mean, maybe these
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- are the first signs of...
- Banging someone else?
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00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,534
What? Ew, no.
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00:02:20,536 --> 00:02:22,903
I have to agree with Griff.
When my father cheated,
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he started wearing fancy clothes.
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I thought we were going to a play.
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It turns out the real drama
was inside the house.
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Okay, guys, stop.
He's not having an affair.
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He's not the kind of man
that would do that.
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Are you sure? I mean, you just said
you don't really know him.
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This is getting really heavy.
I got to go anyways.
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Gotta scatter Granny's ashes.
Later, skaters.
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- All right, have fun.
- Oh. Kay...
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00:02:43,692 --> 00:02:47,160
Are the guys right? Is my dad capable
of stepping out on my mom?
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Hello, Mr. Tongs.
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00:02:48,864 --> 00:02:52,132
Madame Corkscrew, we meet at last.
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Yeah, this guy
is not having sex with anybody.
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00:02:56,221 --> 00:02:57,638
Wait, he's drinking wine?
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00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,256
My dad only drinks wine
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when he's trying to
impress white people.
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00:03:00,843 --> 00:03:03,477
Oh, fruity, spicy.
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00:03:04,647 --> 00:03:06,496
And what a body, hm?
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00:03:06,498 --> 00:03:09,032
David, David, come here.
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00:03:09,034 --> 00:03:12,619
Do you think that my dad's acting weird
because he's having an affair?
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00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,389
Come on. What would make you say that?
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♪ Oh, the last time I felt like this ♪
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- ♪ I was falling in love ♪
- Wow.
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00:03:22,131 --> 00:03:23,397
- Yeah.
- Okay, you know what,
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00:03:23,399 --> 00:03:25,132
let's not jump to any conclusions.
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This is a man who left
halfway through a haircut
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because a shampoo lady's
boob grazed his head.
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00:03:29,898 --> 00:03:30,604
You're right.
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He's never done a questionable
thing in his life.
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00:03:32,324 --> 00:03:34,057
I should trust him.
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00:03:34,059 --> 00:03:36,326
But I won't, 'cause maybe he got
a taste of head boob,
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00:03:36,328 --> 00:03:38,045
and he's hungry for more.
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00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:40,314
Is he wearing new Hush Puppies?
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00:03:40,316 --> 00:03:42,883
Oh, his ass is up to something.
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Damn it.
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00:03:47,323 --> 00:03:49,923
Okay, okay, okay,
I know what this looks like, but...
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Wait, why am I defending myself?
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- You're spying on my dad, too!
- I'm not spying on your dad.
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I am spying on you
'cause I could tell when I was said
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"don't do anything,"
your mouth was saying "okay,"
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but your eyes were saying "[bleep] you."
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00:04:00,035 --> 00:04:02,135
Okay, all right,
just get in before you blow our cover.
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00:04:02,137 --> 00:04:03,804
- Oh, we're going undercover?
- Yes.
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00:04:03,806 --> 00:04:05,822
I like it. I can do that.
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00:04:05,824 --> 00:04:08,475
Wait, what is he doing?
Is he buying flowers?
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00:04:08,477 --> 00:04:10,711
- Yeah.
- My dad doesn't buy flowers.
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He steals them from neighbors' yards.
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I'm not getting a good read.
Give me the binoculars.
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00:04:14,972 --> 00:04:16,350
I don't have binoculars.
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What? You call yourself a detective?
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00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,153
No, I didn't call myself a detective.
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00:04:20,155 --> 00:04:21,822
It sounds like you're
calling yourself a detective.
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Yes, we are partner detectives.
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The sexual tension is crazy.
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I mean, this could spin
into role-play later, right?
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00:04:27,262 --> 00:04:28,745
No, David,
we're not going to be sexy detectives.
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00:04:28,747 --> 00:04:30,597
Now, listen. Get out of the car,
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00:04:30,599 --> 00:04:33,250
head to the gyro stand so we
can keep eyes on the perp.
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00:04:33,252 --> 00:04:35,335
That cop talk is hot.
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00:04:37,798 --> 00:04:38,638
- No, we got to go.
- Okay.
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00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:39,873
But let's circle back to this.
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Yeah.
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00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,813
Come on, come on.
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00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,700
He just spent 60 bucks on roses.
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00:04:50,702 --> 00:04:52,018
Okay, maybe they're for my mom.
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00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:53,687
No way, man. Those are mistress roses.
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00:04:53,689 --> 00:04:56,623
Wife roses cost five
bucks from Trader Joe's.
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00:04:56,625 --> 00:04:59,025
Okay, listen.
This'll be easy to figure out.
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00:04:59,027 --> 00:05:00,927
If my mom gets those flowers later,
everything's good.
136
00:05:00,929 --> 00:05:02,963
And if she doesn't,
then she'll be destroyed
137
00:05:02,965 --> 00:05:04,965
and probably move in with us forever.
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00:05:04,967 --> 00:05:06,967
David and I had carefully orchestrated
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00:05:06,969 --> 00:05:09,870
the most subtle way to
broach the topic of the flowers.
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00:05:09,872 --> 00:05:12,606
So, Maya, get any flowers lately or...?
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00:05:12,608 --> 00:05:14,741
That was not it. God, he sucks at this.
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00:05:14,743 --> 00:05:16,643
No, thank God.
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Flowers are for bees and dead people.
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It's true,
she says flowers are just plants
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- that are showing off.
- And there's our answer.
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The flowers weren't for my mom.
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This sweet woman is being cheated on,
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and so late in life.
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Hey, Mommy? You doing okay?
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Is there anything I can do for you?
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00:05:33,228 --> 00:05:34,594
Do you have any Pellegrino
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to wash down your chalky meatloaf?
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00:05:37,466 --> 00:05:39,399
- No.
- Then why you bothering me?
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00:05:39,401 --> 00:05:41,835
Maya, let me see if I can find
you something fizzy, okay?
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Emet, could you give me
a little help in the kitchen?
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00:05:46,909 --> 00:05:48,542
Oh, let's get something to drink.
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- Is there any juice in here?
- Nope, nothing.
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00:05:49,845 --> 00:05:51,611
- Okay.
- We have to do something.
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00:05:51,613 --> 00:05:53,380
Yes, we do.
We have to stop meddling right now.
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00:05:53,382 --> 00:05:54,781
- What?
- It is... it is wrong.
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It is their marriage.
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It is their problem to work out.
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You got to promise me you're
not gonna follow him anymore.
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00:05:59,488 --> 00:06:00,754
I mean, who knows?
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00:06:00,756 --> 00:06:02,255
Maybe this is okay with your mom.
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00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:04,391
Maybe they have an open relationship.
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00:06:04,393 --> 00:06:06,092
Oh, thank you for that soothing thought.
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00:06:06,094 --> 00:06:08,595
I'm gonna go wash down
a pill with a glass of wine.
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00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,199
Hey, you guys, you were right.
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- My dad may be having an affair.
- Yes, we're always right.
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00:06:18,437 --> 00:06:21,105
What are you doing?
Hey, hey, stop dancing.
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Focus, listen to me. So I promised David
that I would not follow my dad anymore,
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but I never said anything
about cyber-stalking.
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00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,697
- So help me out, creeps.
- Well, if your dad's cheating,
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he's down for more cheating.
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His scumbag window is wide open.
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- Repulsive, continue.
- What you gotta do
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00:06:35,921 --> 00:06:37,755
is a little something called catfishing.
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You know what that is?
What you do is you create
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00:06:39,358 --> 00:06:41,241
a fake profile of some hot older babe,
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00:06:41,243 --> 00:06:43,827
and then, you lure your dad in
with some sexy talk.
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00:06:43,829 --> 00:06:45,062
- Oh, that's good.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:06:45,064 --> 00:06:46,764
Okay, okay, okay, let me try this.
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00:06:46,766 --> 00:06:50,134
- Uh, I am Claire...
- Yes.
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00:06:50,136 --> 00:06:52,986
- St. Croix!
- Nice, she sounds filthy.
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00:06:52,988 --> 00:06:55,205
- She sounds like a dead nun.
- Okay, whatever, nerd.
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00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:57,641
This is happening.
Okay, Claire St. Croix
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00:06:57,643 --> 00:07:01,145
is a 60-something buxom widow
189
00:07:01,147 --> 00:07:04,531
who just joined my dad's
active senior group.
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00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:07,117
Friendship request sent.
191
00:07:07,119 --> 00:07:08,902
Oh, God, I want to throw up.
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00:07:08,904 --> 00:07:10,230
Bam. Okay!
193
00:07:10,589 --> 00:07:13,090
What? He accepted already?
194
00:07:13,092 --> 00:07:14,591
God, my dad is a slut.
195
00:07:14,593 --> 00:07:16,410
Okay, let me take the wheel here.
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00:07:16,412 --> 00:07:18,762
Okay, yeah, I'll dictate.
Let me get in the mindset
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00:07:18,764 --> 00:07:22,566
of a buxom widow. Uh, okay, okay.
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00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:27,805
Howdy, the passing of
my husband has left my heart as heavy
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as my breasts.
200
00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:30,707
Oh, my God, no.
201
00:07:30,709 --> 00:07:32,743
- That is weird.
- So relax, heavy boobs.
202
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,711
Claire already sent
your daddy a message.
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00:07:34,713 --> 00:07:36,180
What? You did?
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00:07:36,182 --> 00:07:38,549
"You are cute. Are you single?
205
00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:40,801
Would you like to go
to winky-face dinner?"
206
00:07:40,803 --> 00:07:42,753
Winky-face, Griff?
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00:07:42,755 --> 00:07:45,489
My God, my dad is a distinguished,
classy man.
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00:07:45,491 --> 00:07:47,391
He's not going to fall
for some dumb winky...
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00:07:47,393 --> 00:07:49,326
Oh, my God, he's replying.
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00:07:49,328 --> 00:07:51,795
Okay, tell me what he said.
No, don't tell me what he said.
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00:07:51,797 --> 00:07:53,997
Don't worry, okay?
He said he's flattered,
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00:07:53,999 --> 00:07:56,450
but he loves his beautiful wife, Maya.
213
00:07:56,452 --> 00:07:58,836
See, this is the your dad that I know.
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00:07:58,838 --> 00:08:00,604
And he said he'll chat with you later.
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00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:02,739
He's got to go to art class,
and he sent a copy
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00:08:02,741 --> 00:08:04,741
of a painting that he did in
case Claire wants to sign up.
217
00:08:04,743 --> 00:08:07,411
- Huh?
- Seniors get 20% off.
218
00:08:07,413 --> 00:08:09,913
The roses he bought! Oh!
219
00:08:09,915 --> 00:08:11,782
He wasn't having an affair.
220
00:08:11,784 --> 00:08:15,769
Wait, he painted that?
And he's taking an art class?
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00:08:15,771 --> 00:08:19,006
I mean, I'm an artist,
and he never even mentioned
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00:08:19,008 --> 00:08:20,858
that he was interested in those things.
223
00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:22,526
- Okay, you know what, move over.
- Yeah.
224
00:08:22,528 --> 00:08:24,528
I can catfish my own dad.
225
00:08:24,530 --> 00:08:27,231
So Claire St. Croix started
having the kind of amazing,
226
00:08:27,233 --> 00:08:30,000
profound conversation with
my father that I never could.
227
00:08:30,002 --> 00:08:32,636
Turns out that art class
made him feel alive again.
228
00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:35,873
That's why he was dressing colorfully,
daydreaming, and drinking wine.
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00:08:35,875 --> 00:08:37,374
- Hey, we're going to head out.
- Huh?
230
00:08:37,376 --> 00:08:39,309
Oh, guys, listen to this.
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00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:42,462
My dad studied art in India,
and he loved Kandinsky, too.
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00:08:42,464 --> 00:08:44,481
That's my favorite artist,
but we've never talked about it.
233
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,116
Well, we'll just leave you
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00:08:46,118 --> 00:08:47,918
to fall head over heels
for your own dad.
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00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,270
You know this is all really weird?
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00:08:50,272 --> 00:08:51,788
- And that's coming from me.
- Okay.
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00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:53,674
Oh.
238
00:08:55,094 --> 00:08:57,744
My dad and Claire are talking
about their marriages.
239
00:08:57,746 --> 00:09:00,797
Claire's husband was killed by
a foul ball at an Astros game.
240
00:09:00,799 --> 00:09:02,566
She misses him, blah, blah, blah.
241
00:09:02,568 --> 00:09:06,186
Now, Claire gets to ask Sonny
about his marriage, and boy,
242
00:09:06,188 --> 00:09:07,571
did I want to know the truth about that.
243
00:09:07,573 --> 00:09:09,106
- Hey.
- Hi.
244
00:09:09,108 --> 00:09:10,507
You know what I was just thinking?
245
00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:13,277
If I found out that my dad was cheating,
246
00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:15,212
- I would be beside myself.
- Yeah.
247
00:09:15,214 --> 00:09:16,246
Anyway, how are you holding up?
248
00:09:16,248 --> 00:09:17,681
Fine. By the way,
249
00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:20,050
we were way off about
my dad and the cheating.
250
00:09:20,052 --> 00:09:21,501
Yeah, the flowers
were just for an art class.
251
00:09:21,503 --> 00:09:23,337
But don't ask him about it.
252
00:09:23,339 --> 00:09:26,456
He's just super shy
about that stuff, so.
253
00:09:26,458 --> 00:09:28,492
Yeah, I get that, super shy.
254
00:09:28,494 --> 00:09:30,678
I mean, I was super shy when I
started taking cardio boxing,
255
00:09:30,713 --> 00:09:32,362
but now I can knock
anyone out to the tune
256
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:34,089
of "Walking on Broken Glass."
257
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:37,334
- Who are you messaging?
- W... work, work.
258
00:09:37,336 --> 00:09:39,269
But you know, you make a good point.
259
00:09:39,271 --> 00:09:41,104
I should just put the phone away,
260
00:09:41,106 --> 00:09:43,273
and just, you know,
take Jake to the park.
261
00:09:43,275 --> 00:09:45,092
He's been asking for more Mommy time.
262
00:09:45,094 --> 00:09:47,077
I'm pretty sure I just saw
him chewing on his fist,
263
00:09:47,079 --> 00:09:49,079
so I think he's actually
asking for dinner time.
264
00:09:49,081 --> 00:09:51,581
Okay, so you know the secret
language of babies now?
265
00:09:51,583 --> 00:09:53,984
Wow, David, you know,
there is a maternal bond,
266
00:09:53,986 --> 00:09:56,136
and it started when we
shared the same body.
267
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,554
No, no, no. Fine, go, go, go, go.
268
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,222
- You should go.
- Yeah.
269
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,958
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
270
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,960
My dad's really opening up to Claire,
271
00:10:02,962 --> 00:10:06,396
so I'm taking the opportunity to ask him
things I've always wondered about.
272
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:11,034
"You speak so lovingly
of your wife, yet she sounds like a...
273
00:10:11,036 --> 00:10:15,038
let's just say, firecracker.
What do you see in her?"
274
00:10:16,165 --> 00:10:17,040
LOL.
275
00:10:17,042 --> 00:10:20,477
When we were expecting our first child,
and struggling to make ends meet,
276
00:10:20,479 --> 00:10:22,312
I couldn't risk being fired,
or we wouldn't
277
00:10:22,314 --> 00:10:24,131
have been allowed
to stay in the country.
278
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,216
We had no family here, and no friends,
279
00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:28,168
and I couldn't take a single day off.
280
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,921
So Maya gave birth to
both our children alone.
281
00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:32,956
There's no one stronger than my wife.
282
00:10:32,958 --> 00:10:35,092
Also, she's a total smoke-show.
283
00:10:35,094 --> 00:10:36,760
I can't believe I'm saying this,
284
00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:40,080
but I get why he loves
his crazy, crazy wife.
285
00:10:40,082 --> 00:10:42,065
Oh, God, yours is married, too?
286
00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:44,401
They're never gonna leave
their wives, are they?
287
00:10:44,403 --> 00:10:46,403
No, it's not what you think.
I'm not cheating.
288
00:10:46,405 --> 00:10:48,138
I just want to get intimate with my dad.
289
00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:49,406
Okay.
290
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:54,878
Honey, come on. You've been in there
like, a half an hour.
291
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,213
Yeah, no, sorry. Still waxing.
292
00:10:56,215 --> 00:10:58,015
I'm waging a war against my body here,
293
00:10:58,017 --> 00:10:59,416
you know what I mean?
Life's harder for me.
294
00:10:59,418 --> 00:11:01,184
- Double standards.
- Okay, sorry.
295
00:11:01,186 --> 00:11:04,171
You topple the patriarchy.
It's all yours.
296
00:11:04,173 --> 00:11:06,990
Since I can't tell my dad how I feel,
maybe Claire can.
297
00:11:06,992 --> 00:11:10,027
I wish my father
had talked to me more growing up.
298
00:11:10,029 --> 00:11:13,964
He drove a fan boat on the bayou
until a gator snatched his cousin.
299
00:11:13,966 --> 00:11:15,432
My father never spoke again,
300
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:17,634
so I don't feel like I really knew him.
301
00:11:17,636 --> 00:11:19,703
Googaloo, who are you talking to?
302
00:11:19,705 --> 00:11:23,106
Oh, I'm chit-chatting
with my online friend, Claire St. Croix.
303
00:11:23,108 --> 00:11:24,775
She's had a tough go of it.
304
00:11:24,777 --> 00:11:26,810
Her husband was killed by a foul ball.
305
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:28,779
I wish I knew my father more, too.
306
00:11:28,781 --> 00:11:31,915
But I left home and came
to America when I was 23.
307
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:34,251
You were so young.
That must have been scary.
308
00:11:34,253 --> 00:11:36,119
It was also exciting.
309
00:11:36,121 --> 00:11:38,722
I was an art student
with a beautiful young wife
310
00:11:38,724 --> 00:11:41,058
who even let me draw her naked once.
311
00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:43,760
Oh, okay. Repress that thought.
312
00:11:43,762 --> 00:11:46,530
I missed my family,
but I was going to establish myself
313
00:11:46,532 --> 00:11:48,665
and eventually bring my parents over.
314
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,934
Sounds like you were a good son.
315
00:11:50,936 --> 00:11:52,602
Well, not really.
316
00:11:52,604 --> 00:11:54,895
My father died before I could do it.
317
00:11:54,930 --> 00:11:55,806
Heart attack.
318
00:11:55,808 --> 00:11:58,241
Oh, don't cry on this toilet, Emet.
319
00:11:58,243 --> 00:12:00,877
You know it wasn't your fault, right?
320
00:12:00,879 --> 00:12:04,147
Of course it was.
I pursued my selfish interests
321
00:12:04,149 --> 00:12:06,650
instead of taking a real
job and saving up to bring
322
00:12:06,652 --> 00:12:08,952
my father here sooner,
but I learned my lesson.
323
00:12:08,954 --> 00:12:10,620
I had a wife with a child on the way,
324
00:12:10,622 --> 00:12:12,956
and I wasn't going
to let them down, too.
325
00:12:12,958 --> 00:12:16,977
So I took a job in manufacturing
and stayed in it for 40 dull years.
326
00:12:16,979 --> 00:12:19,229
At least I got out of
there with both my hands,
327
00:12:19,231 --> 00:12:21,414
which is more than my friend,
Leon, can say.
328
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:23,467
LOL, two thumbs up.
329
00:12:23,469 --> 00:12:25,068
I thought my dad liked his job.
330
00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:26,876
He always seemed so happy.
331
00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,605
Sweetie, you can have the bathroom.
332
00:12:28,607 --> 00:12:30,207
I used some "Paw Patrol"
toothpaste to brush.
333
00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:32,375
- I'll see you in the morning.
- Okay, I love you.
334
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:33,426
Goodnight, it's going to be a while.
335
00:12:33,428 --> 00:12:34,878
I've got so much hair.
336
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,680
What?
337
00:12:36,682 --> 00:12:38,181
I really don't mean
to put this all on you,
338
00:12:38,183 --> 00:12:39,883
but you're the only person
I can talk to right now.
339
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,753
I just found out all
this stuff about my dad,
340
00:12:43,755 --> 00:12:45,922
and there's just one question
that I'm scared to ask him.
341
00:12:45,924 --> 00:12:47,557
Should I just do it?
342
00:12:48,694 --> 00:12:51,378
You are so wise. I'm gonna ask him.
343
00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:54,664
Do you think you've had a good life?
344
00:12:54,666 --> 00:12:56,766
I don't have the life I
dreamed of as a young man.
345
00:12:56,768 --> 00:12:58,935
I've achieved none of the
goals I set out to do,
346
00:12:58,937 --> 00:13:01,838
and sometimes,
I feel disappointed by that.
347
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,491
Ouch, looking for a qualifier.
348
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,943
But seeing my daughter pursue her art
349
00:13:06,945 --> 00:13:09,062
fills me with more pride
than I ever would have felt
350
00:13:09,064 --> 00:13:11,748
achieving that dream for myself.
351
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:16,515
Oh.
352
00:13:16,738 --> 00:13:18,388
Honey, what's wrong?
353
00:13:20,726 --> 00:13:22,859
I have nothing to wear.
354
00:13:22,861 --> 00:13:24,794
Please don't make me say "PMS."
355
00:13:28,056 --> 00:13:30,194
I was having so many new
feelings about my father
356
00:13:30,222 --> 00:13:31,851
because of our online relationship,
357
00:13:31,874 --> 00:13:35,475
it was hard to keep them from bleeding
into our real life relationship.
358
00:13:35,477 --> 00:13:36,726
- Emet?
- Yes?
359
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,845
- I love...
- I love you too, Daddy.
360
00:13:38,847 --> 00:13:40,764
Oh, okie dokie.
361
00:13:40,766 --> 00:13:43,016
I was going to say
I love these potatoes,
362
00:13:43,018 --> 00:13:45,435
- but sure, same here.
- Oh, okay.
363
00:13:45,437 --> 00:13:46,770
You know what? Don't be shy.
364
00:13:46,772 --> 00:13:49,272
There's plenty more.
365
00:13:49,274 --> 00:13:51,608
- Just going to...
- Hey, my mound.
366
00:13:53,445 --> 00:13:55,445
You do not want to play this game.
367
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:58,498
Oh, and Daddy, I made you a batch
of your favorite cookies, okay?
368
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,368
So after dinner, you can take
them to the couch and watch TV.
369
00:14:01,370 --> 00:14:03,953
But you said no cookies past that line.
370
00:14:03,955 --> 00:14:05,922
Yeah, you got on your knees,
371
00:14:05,924 --> 00:14:07,424
and you pointed to
that crack right there.
372
00:14:07,426 --> 00:14:08,792
I know I did, but you know what?
373
00:14:08,794 --> 00:14:10,510
What's a few crumbs?
They will be falling
374
00:14:10,512 --> 00:14:11,795
from the mouth of a great man.
375
00:14:11,797 --> 00:14:14,631
Excuse me.
376
00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:18,101
Psst, ask her for anything you want.
377
00:14:18,103 --> 00:14:20,804
I don't know why,
but this is a special day.
378
00:14:20,806 --> 00:14:22,105
Come on.
379
00:14:25,977 --> 00:14:29,028
Have you noticed? Emet's acting strange.
380
00:14:29,030 --> 00:14:30,947
You know, she actually baked,
and she never does that.
381
00:14:30,949 --> 00:14:32,649
We use our oven is our
pots and pans drawer.
382
00:14:32,651 --> 00:14:34,651
This is much bigger
than burnt cookies, man.
383
00:14:34,653 --> 00:14:38,405
- Shh, shh.
- So sorry. Just...
384
00:14:38,407 --> 00:14:41,658
See, she's always on the
phone like some teenager,
385
00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:44,828
sniggling and giggling.
She's up to something.
386
00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:46,996
Looks like Detective
Dave has another case.
387
00:14:48,967 --> 00:14:50,967
- Griff.
- What?
388
00:14:50,969 --> 00:14:53,553
I wanted to get you something
for your grandmother's passing,
389
00:14:53,555 --> 00:14:56,423
but then, I realized I didn't even know
what your grandmother meant to you.
390
00:14:56,425 --> 00:14:58,508
She meant five bucks
on my birthday, bitch.
391
00:14:58,510 --> 00:14:59,843
- That's it.
- See, we spend
392
00:14:59,845 --> 00:15:01,394
all day together,
but there's still so much
393
00:15:01,396 --> 00:15:02,729
we don't know about each other.
394
00:15:02,731 --> 00:15:04,681
I think Emet's dad isn't the only man
395
00:15:04,683 --> 00:15:06,516
who's having trouble
sharing his emotions.
396
00:15:06,518 --> 00:15:09,018
We share personal stuff, yeah.
397
00:15:09,020 --> 00:15:10,353
Like the other day,
we were talking about
398
00:15:10,355 --> 00:15:12,655
how you're a dookie-blaster.
399
00:15:13,421 --> 00:15:15,074
Classic male posturing.
400
00:15:15,076 --> 00:15:18,161
Look, this is the sharing stapler,
and whoever has it
401
00:15:18,163 --> 00:15:19,996
can share their truth without judgment.
402
00:15:19,998 --> 00:15:21,080
I'll go first.
403
00:15:21,082 --> 00:15:22,866
Growing up with two mothers
404
00:15:22,868 --> 00:15:25,168
has made me hold women
to a higher standard,
405
00:15:25,170 --> 00:15:28,121
and sometimes, I feel like no one
will live up to my expectations.
406
00:15:28,123 --> 00:15:29,873
I'm afraid of ending up alone.
407
00:15:29,875 --> 00:15:32,675
You should use that stapler
to staple on some balls.
408
00:15:32,677 --> 00:15:34,511
Okay, well, at least I had the balls
409
00:15:34,513 --> 00:15:36,429
to be honest about how I was feeling.
410
00:15:36,431 --> 00:15:39,015
- Now, who's next?
- Uh, okay.
411
00:15:39,017 --> 00:15:42,602
Um, the other day,
I had to have dental surgery,
412
00:15:42,604 --> 00:15:45,472
and you were both
too busy to pick me up.
413
00:15:45,474 --> 00:15:48,558
I had to pretend that the Uber
driver was my best friend.
414
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,610
What? Man, I like this sharing stapler.
415
00:15:50,612 --> 00:15:53,062
- It's giving me a lot of ammo.
- I dare you to take it.
416
00:15:53,064 --> 00:15:54,898
But you won't. You know why?
417
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:58,034
- Chicken, he's chicken.
- Give it to me.
418
00:15:59,738 --> 00:16:02,121
When I was six, once,
419
00:16:02,123 --> 00:16:05,208
my grandma...
420
00:16:06,828 --> 00:16:09,546
My grandma...
421
00:16:17,088 --> 00:16:20,757
Are you looking for this, Miss St Croix?
422
00:16:20,759 --> 00:16:23,059
J'accuse! I unlocked your phone.
423
00:16:23,061 --> 00:16:24,761
- I can explain.
- Would the explanation be
424
00:16:24,763 --> 00:16:27,063
that you were pretending to be
a buxom New Orleans widow
425
00:16:27,065 --> 00:16:28,982
to catfish your dad?
426
00:16:28,984 --> 00:16:31,684
That is incredibly accurate.
427
00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:33,686
Look, I have never heard my father
428
00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:35,688
share his feelings like
he does with Claire.
429
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:38,241
I know what I am doing is questionable,
430
00:16:38,243 --> 00:16:40,910
but I've also never felt
closer to my father.
431
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,996
Who am I really even hurting here?
432
00:16:43,860 --> 00:16:45,081
There's your dad now.
433
00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:46,583
Okay.
434
00:16:46,585 --> 00:16:47,784
He's falling in love with you.
435
00:16:47,786 --> 00:16:49,752
What?
436
00:16:49,754 --> 00:16:51,254
"Miss St. Croix, talking to you
437
00:16:51,256 --> 00:16:53,206
"the past few days
has been a revelation.
438
00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:54,958
"When we started this, you asked if I'd
439
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,127
"be interested in intimacy.
The answer now is yes.
440
00:16:58,129 --> 00:17:00,013
"Will you meet me? All I can think about
441
00:17:00,015 --> 00:17:02,181
is kissing your soft lips."
442
00:17:02,183 --> 00:17:06,019
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, David, I seduced my father.
443
00:17:06,337 --> 00:17:08,638
- Oh, this is bad.
- Mm-hmm.
444
00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:14,148
Okay, Dad,
I can't explain to you why I know
445
00:17:14,150 --> 00:17:16,200
what's happening, but you can't do this.
446
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,152
Oh, come on. It's no big deal.
447
00:17:18,154 --> 00:17:19,203
They're a billion-dollar company.
448
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,905
We can share a Netflix password.
449
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:23,074
No, no, not that.
I know you think you wanna
450
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:24,742
have an affair with Claire St. Croix,
451
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,295
but you don't,
because I'm Claire St. Croix.
452
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:31,082
No crap, Matlock. We set you up, baby.
453
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,135
Yeah, we figured it out when
Claire sent me this message.
454
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,671
"Tell me more about
your obviously talented
455
00:17:36,673 --> 00:17:38,172
"and ambitious daughter,
456
00:17:38,174 --> 00:17:40,975
who really does do it all
even though it's hard."
457
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,761
Okay, look, I'm sorry I deceived you,
458
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:46,230
but we never talk.
459
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,900
- Okie dokie.
- No-kie dokie.
460
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:51,569
Talk to me.
461
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,354
Dad...
462
00:17:53,356 --> 00:17:56,240
If you wanted to know things,
you could have asked me.
463
00:17:56,242 --> 00:18:00,244
I'll tell you everything
you did to ruin my life.
464
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,113
You were born two weeks early.
465
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:05,750
I was at the opera,
holding you in like a hot watermelon.
466
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,919
Yeah, Mom, I know the story, okay?
467
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,337
I get your birthday cards.
468
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,347
The Internet was a safe
place until you came along.
469
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,182
"60 Minutes" warned me about this.
470
00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:23,301
I know what I did was wrong,
471
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:27,271
but you shared all those
personal stories with Claire.
472
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,023
How come you don't share
any of them with me?
473
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,776
What do you want to know?
How much I regret
474
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,861
not being there when
my father passed away?
475
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:36,280
How guilty I felt going
off to work long hours
476
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:40,735
knowing my wife was home alone,
a stranger in this country?
477
00:18:40,737 --> 00:18:43,404
Yeah, along those lines.
478
00:18:43,406 --> 00:18:46,157
Also, maybe what movies you like.
479
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,549
Emet, those feelings are mine.
480
00:18:48,902 --> 00:18:51,664
I didn't keep things from you
because I don't want to be close.
481
00:18:52,036 --> 00:18:55,071
I kept them from you because
I didn't want to burden you.
482
00:18:55,073 --> 00:18:56,455
I thought I was protecting you,
483
00:18:56,457 --> 00:18:58,157
and now you're telling me
that I was wrong.
484
00:18:58,159 --> 00:19:02,044
No, no, Dad, not wrong.
Just kind of old school.
485
00:19:02,046 --> 00:19:04,497
And it just keeps me from
getting to know you.
486
00:19:04,499 --> 00:19:07,917
First of all, that's my favorite movie.
487
00:19:07,919 --> 00:19:11,087
"Old School." What a romp.
488
00:19:11,089 --> 00:19:14,507
Secondly, you do know me.
I'm a happy person
489
00:19:14,509 --> 00:19:17,093
because I don't dwell
on those dark moments.
490
00:19:17,095 --> 00:19:19,428
I'm sorry if somehow,
that makes me a bad father.
491
00:19:19,430 --> 00:19:22,848
It doesn't.
492
00:19:22,850 --> 00:19:25,101
You're a very good father.
493
00:19:25,103 --> 00:19:28,020
Then, please, accept me for how I am,
494
00:19:28,022 --> 00:19:32,191
even if it's hard for you
because what you want me to do,
495
00:19:32,193 --> 00:19:35,244
that's very hard for me.
496
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:43,119
Hey, do you want to go
watch "Old School?"
497
00:19:43,121 --> 00:19:44,920
Okie dokie.
498
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:48,424
- Can one of you spot me?
- Oh.
499
00:19:50,295 --> 00:19:52,011
Hey.
500
00:19:52,013 --> 00:19:54,113
- Hey.
- Hey.
501
00:19:54,115 --> 00:19:56,515
Griff, you have nothing
to be ashamed of.
502
00:19:56,517 --> 00:19:58,551
Oh, hard disagree on that one, man.
503
00:19:58,553 --> 00:20:01,503
I'm pretty much just full of shame.
504
00:20:02,023 --> 00:20:05,024
That's the highest I've been able
to hold my head up in two days.
505
00:20:05,026 --> 00:20:07,360
Ashamed? Ashamed of what?
506
00:20:07,362 --> 00:20:11,263
I think when a person
exposes his innermost...
507
00:20:11,265 --> 00:20:13,878
Innermost? Exposes his innermost.
508
00:20:14,869 --> 00:20:16,285
What, is that... is that
where your dookie comes from?
509
00:20:16,287 --> 00:20:17,570
Yeah, yeah, what is that, like, uh,
510
00:20:17,572 --> 00:20:19,488
where you keep your farts, Norman?
511
00:20:19,490 --> 00:20:21,457
And we're back.
512
00:20:21,459 --> 00:20:25,077
Retreat into your dark caves
of pathetic masculinity.
513
00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:27,997
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Aw, that's no problem, man.
514
00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:29,415
And what does he know about masculinity?
515
00:20:29,417 --> 00:20:31,083
What do you know
about masculinity, you know?
516
00:20:31,085 --> 00:20:32,301
The other day when you were...
517
00:20:34,422 --> 00:20:36,088
[bleep] you, Chewy!
518
00:20:36,090 --> 00:20:38,341
Don't you ever imitate me
like that ever again.
519
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,380
What? Bitch.
520
00:20:41,596 --> 00:20:44,330
I realized I couldn't change my dad,
521
00:20:44,332 --> 00:20:46,499
but I could break the cycle
and make sure my kids
522
00:20:46,501 --> 00:20:48,200
felt like they knew
their parents.
523
00:20:48,202 --> 00:20:51,120
Lil, Lou, your dad
and I want you to know
524
00:20:51,122 --> 00:20:52,838
that if there have ever been questions
525
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,841
that you've felt too scared
or uncomfortable to ask,
526
00:20:55,843 --> 00:20:57,460
it's okay. You can ask us anything.
527
00:20:57,462 --> 00:20:59,128
- We are an open book.
- Yeah.
528
00:20:59,130 --> 00:21:02,548
- So we can ask anything?
- Anything, fire away.
529
00:21:02,550 --> 00:21:04,517
How come you guys had Jake?
530
00:21:04,519 --> 00:21:07,887
It seems like
he might've been an accident.
531
00:21:07,889 --> 00:21:10,656
Okie dokie, let us know
if you think of anything.
532
00:21:10,658 --> 00:21:13,225
And that's how you score screen time.
533
00:21:13,226 --> 00:21:15,226
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
41934
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