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♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You gotta wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn ♪

♪ You're gonna wake up one mornin',
as the sun greets the dawn ♪

♪ You didn't realize ♪

♪ You didn't realize ♪

♪ You didn't realize ♪

♪ You didn't realize ♪

♪ You didn't realize ♪

♪ Oh, you're
my best friend, baby ♪

You're gonna miss me, baby ♪ ♪

What came first?

The music or the misery?

People worry about kids playing
with guns, or watching violent videos...

that some sort of culture of violence
will take them over.

Nobody worries about kids listening
to thousands, literally thousands...

of songs about heartbreak, rejection...

pain, misery and loss.

Did I listen to pop music
because I was miserable?

Or was I miserable because
I listened to pop music?

You don't have to go this second.

- You can stay until whenever.
- No.

- We've done the hard part now, I might as well just--
- Stay for tonight, then.

Laura--

You're just gonna--

My desert island,
all-time top five...

most memorable breakups,
in chronological order...

are as follows:

Alison Ashmore,
Penny Hardwick...

Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson
and Sarah Kendrew.

Those were the ones that really hurt.

Can you see your name on that list, Laura?

Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten.

But there's just no room
for you in the top five. Sorry!

Those places are reserved for the kind of
humiliation you're just not capable of delivering.

If you really wanted to mess me up...

you should have gotten to me earlier!

Which brings us to number one
on the top five all-time breakup list:

Alison Ashmore.

♪ Candy on the beach
There's nothing better ♪

One moment they weren't there--

not in any form that interested us, anyway--

and then the next,
you couldn't miss them.

They were everywhere.

And they'd grown breasts.

- And we wanted--
- ♪ I want candy ♪

Actually, we didn't
even know what we wanted.

- ♪ I want candy ♪
- But it was something interesting.

Disturbing, even.

My relationship with Alison Ashmore
lasted for six hours:

the two hours after school,
before The Rockford Files...

for three days in a row.

But on the fourth afternoon--

Kevin Bannister.

Slut.

It would be nice to think that
since I was 14, times have changed.

Relationships have become
more sophisticated.

Females less cruel.

Skins thicker.
Instincts more developed.

But there seems to be an element of that afternoon
in everything that's happened to me since.

All my romantic stories are
a scrambled version of that first one.

Number two on the top five
all-time breakup list...

was Penny Hardwick.

Penny was great looking,
and her top five recording artists...

were Carly Simon, Carole King,
James Taylor, Cat Stevens...

and Elton John.

♪ I remember when rock was young ♪

- ♪ Me and Susie had so much fun ♪
- Erin! No, come here!

♪ Holdin'hands and skippin'stones ♪

She was nice.

Nice manners, nice grades,
nice looking--

She was so nice, in fact,
that she wouldn't let me put my hand...

underneath or even on top of her bra.

Attack and defense.
Invasion and repulsion.

It was as if breasts were
little pieces of property...

that had been unlawfully annexed
by the opposite sex.

They were rightfully ours,
and we wanted them back.

- ♪ Crimson and clover ♪ - Sometimes I got
so bored of trying to touch her breast...

that I would try to touch her
between her legs.

It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting
turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead.

I wasn't interested in
Penny's nice qualities, just breasts.

And therefore,
she was no good to me.

What's the point?
It never goes anywhere.

Rob?

I started dating a girl who everyone
said would give it up and who didn't...

and Penny went with this asshole
named Chris Thompson...

who told me he had sex with her
after something like three dates.

I own this store called Championship Vinyl.

It's located in a neighborhood that attracts
the bare minimum of window shoppers.

I get by because of the people
who make a special effort to shop here.

Mostly young men...

who spend all their time
looking for deleted Smith singles...

and original, not re-released,
underlined, Frank Zappa albums.

Fetish properties are not unlike porn.

I'd feel guilty
taking their money, if I wasn't...

well, kind of one of them.

- Morning, Dick.
- Oh, hi. Hi, Rob.

Have a good weekend?

Yeah, okay. Um, I found the first Licorice
Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl.

The one on Testament of Youth.

Never released here,
a Japanese import only.

Great. Great.

- I'll tape it for you.
- No, that's okay. Really.

You liked their second one, you said.
Pop Girls, etc.

That's the one
with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.

Oh, you never saw the cover, though.
You just had that tape I made you.

Yeah, I haven't really absorbed that one yet.

Well...

- I'll just make it for you.
- Okay.

- Dick, what's this?
- It's the new Belle and Sebastian. You like it?

Holy Shiite.
What the fuck is that?

It's the new Belle and Sebastian--

It's a record we've been
listening to and enjoying, Barry.

Well, that's unfortunate,
because it sucks ass.

Yours, I assume?

♪ Mm, yeah ♪

♪ I used to think maybe you loved me ♪

♪ Now, baby, I'm sure ♪

- Turn it off, Barry!
- ♪ And I just can't wait till the day ♪

- It won't go any louder.
- Turn it off!

♪ Now every time I go for the mailbox ♪

♪ I hold myself down ♪

♪ 'Cause I just can't wait
till you ride me or--♪

Okay, buddy.
Uh--

I was just trying to cheer us up.
So, go ahead.

Put on some old sad bastard music.
See if I care.

I don't want to hear
old sad bastard music, Barry.

- I just want something I can ignore.
- Here's the thing.

I made that tape special for today,
my special Monday morning tape for you, special.

It's fuckin' Monday afternoon!
You should get out of bed earlier.

Come on, dude.

Play it. Don't you want
to hear what's next?

- What's next?
- Play it!

Say it.

"Little Latin Loopy-Loo."

Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels?

No!

- The Righteous Brothers.
- Well, never mind.

No, not "never mind." Tell me right now.
What's wrong with The Righteous Brothers?

Nothing, I-- I just prefer the other--

- Bullshit!
- How can it be bullshit to state a preference?

- Since when did this store become a fascist regime?
- Since you brought that tape in.

Oh, man, that's great! That's the fun
thing about workin' in a record store.

You get to play crappy pap
you don't even want to listen to.

I thought this tape was gonna be a fuckin'...

conversation stimulator, man!

I was gonna ask you for your top five
records to play on a Monday morning.

- You just had to fuckin' ruin it.
- We'll do it next Monday.

No! I wanna do it now!

I can't fire them. I hired these guys
for three days a week...

and they just started showing up
every day-- that was four years ago.

Number three in the top five
all-time breakup list?

Charlie Nicholson.
Sophomore year at college.

Whoo! Am I glad that's over.

As soon as I saw her,
I realized she was the kind of girl...

I'd wanted to meet ever since
I was old enough to meet girls.

I mean, she was different.

She was dramatic,
and she was exotic.

And she talked a lot,
and when she talked...

she said remarkably interesting things
about music, books, film and politics.

- And she talked a lot.
- Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall?

- No.
- Huh? No.

And you won't, will you,
sweetheart? No.

Kiss my neck.
Yeah.

And she liked me.
She liked me. She liked me.

At least, I think she did.

- Do you like that one?
- Yeah.

It's okay.
We went out for two years.

And I never got comfortable.

Why would a girl, no, a woman
like Charlie go out with me?

I felt like a fraud.

I felt like one of those people
who suddenly shave their heads...

and said they'd always been punks.

I was sure I'd be discovered at any second.

And I worried about my abilities as a lover.

And I was intimidated by other men
in her design department...

and became convinced she was
gonna leave me for one of them.

Then she left me for one of them.

The dreaded Marco.

Charlie! You fucking bitch!
Let's work it out!

Just open the fucking door.
Charlie!

Look, let's talk it--
Char--

And then I lost it.

Kinda lost it all, you know?

Faith, dignity,
about fifteen pounds.

When I came to a few months later...

I found to my surprise
I had flunked out of school.

Started working at a record shop.

Some people never got over 'Nam, or
the night their band opened for Nirvana.

I guess I never really got over Charlie.

But the thing I learned
from the whole Charlie debacle...

is that you gotta punch your weight.

You see, Charlie,
she's out of my class.

She's too pretty.
Too smart. Too witty. Too much.

I mean, what am I?
I'm a middleweight.

Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the world...

but I'm certainly not the dumbest.

I mean, I've read books like
Unbearable Lightness of Being...

and Love in the Time of Cholera.

And I think I've understood them.
They're about girls, right?

Just kidding.

But I have to say...

my all-time favorite book is Johnny Cash's
autobiography, Cash byJohnny Cash.

Championship.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Um...

I was thinking I could come by the house...

and pick up some stuff
while you're at work tomorrow.

While I'm at work.
While I'm at work.

- Ooh, boy. Oh boy, oh boy--
- That's what you've got to say...

is "Oh, boy," and " Bravo."

- Laura, this is just so dumb.
- Look Rob, I gotta go.

I'm looking for a record...

for my daughter for her birthday.

"I Just Called to Say I Love You."
Do you have it?

- Yeah. We have it.
- Great. Great.

- Can I have it, then?
- No. No.

- You can't.
- Why not?

It's sentimental, tacky crap. Do we look
like the kind of store that sells...

"I Just Called to Say I Love You"?
Go to the mall.

What's your problem?

Do you even know your daughter?
There's no way she likes that song.

- Oh-Oh-Oh-- Is she in a coma?
- Oh, okay buddy.

I didn't know it was "Pick On
The Middle-Aged Square Guy" Day.

My apologies.
I'll be on my way.

Bye-bye.

Fuck you.

Nice, Barry. Really, really nice.
It was top class.

Rob, "Top Five Musical Crimes Perpetrated
by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s." Go.

Sub-question: Is it unfair to criticize a
formerly great artist for latter-day sins?

Is it better to burn out than to fade away?

- Barry, I'm fuckin' broke, man.
- He was gonna buy one record...

which we didn't have,
and then leave and never come back.

- That's not the point. What did he ever do to you?
- He offended me...

- with his terrible taste.
- It wasn't his terrible taste. It was his daughter's.

Are you defending that ass-muncher?
Come on, Rob.

You're goin' soft in your old age.Jesus.

Now, all of a sudden
I'm offending your golf buddy.

I'm gonna tell you something
for your own good, pal.

That's the worst fuckin' sweater
I've ever seen. It's a Cosby sweater.

A Cosby sweater!

Did Laura let you leave the house like that?

- Fuckin' asshole.
- Hey, hey!

- Will you shut up? Will you?
- Break it up.

You're a fuckin' maniac. I swear to God.
If you tore this thing...

it's vintage,
and I would fuckin' sock your nose.

You'll pay big.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Look, Dick.
Laura and I broke up.

She's gone. So if we ever see
Barry again, you can tell him that.

Oh, of course I will, Rob.
No problem.

No problem at all.

I'll tell him next time I see him.

Definitely.

I've, uh, got some other stuff
to tell him anyway, so it's no problem.

I'll just tell him,
you know, about Laura...

then... when I tell him...

the other stuff.

Mmm.

Do you want to talk about it?

That kind of thing?

No. Thank you, though, Dick.

Thank you.

Look at these.
I used to dream I'd be surrounded...

by exotic women's underwear
forever and ever.

Now I know they just save their best pairs...

for the nights they know
they're gonna sleep with somebody.

Hello, Laura,
this is your mother.

Your father's angina is a little rough today.

I thought he might like
to talk to you. It's no big deal.

I love you two. Bye-bye.

Anyway, me and Charlie,
we didn't match.

Marco and Charlie matched.

But me and Sarah, number four
on the all-time list, we matched.

She'd just been dumped
by some asshole named Michael.

I mean, Michael
was such an asshole.

I'd just been run over by Charlie.

I know exactly what you mean.

I mean,
it's just so painful.

And draining. I'm just gonna be
by myself for awhile.

Me too.
Me too.

It made sense to pool our collective
loathing for the opposite sex...

and while we were at it, we get to share
a bed with somebody at the same time.

We were frightened of being left alone
for the rest of our lives.

Only people of a certain disposition are...

frightened of being left alone
for the rest of their lives at 26.

We were of that disposition.

- So, when she told me--
- I met someone else.

- Who?
- Just someone else.

It was contrary
to the whole spirit of our arrangement.

So, how come I got dumped?

What?

- Hey, Dick, come on in. What is it?
- Oh, um...

well, we're going to Lounge Ax,
and I was just wondering...

if you wanted to come along with us.

Whoa!

Uh, Marie De Salle's playing.
You remember I told you about her today? I like her.

She's kind of Sheryl Crow-ish,
crossed with a, um...

post-Partridge Family,
pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing.

- But, you know, black.
- Yeah.

So, um, I just wanted to know
if you wanted to come along.

Barry thought so, too,
really, but I guess...

- it looks as if you're reorganizing your records.
- Reorganizing my records.

Um, what is it?
Chronological?

No.

- Not alphabetical.
- Nope.

- What?
- Autobiographical.

- No fucking way.
- Yeah.

I can tell you how I got from Deep
Purple to Howling Wolf in just 25 moves.

- Oh, my God.
- And, if I want to find the song "Landslide"...

by Fleetwood Mac,
I have to remember...

that I bought it for someone
in the fall of 1983 pile...

but didn't give it to them
for personal reasons.

- That sounds--
- Comforting.

Yes. It is.

- Hello?
- Well, shit, I can stick around, you know, man...

if you want me to help out.

But you really shouldn't
keep them piled like this...

- because it gets pressured--
- Hold on. See you tomorrow.

- Oh. Okay. I'll see you.
- Okay.

Hi, Mom.

How's the store?

You're very lucky that Laura
is doing as well as she's doing.

Because if it wasn't for her, I don't
think either of us would ever sleep.

She left.
She's gone.

What?
What do you mean?

- Where did she go?
- How would I know where?

She's gone.
Girlfriend leave.

Not say where gone.
Laura move out.

- Well, call her mother.
- She just called.

She doesn't even now.
Probably the last time I'll ever hear her voice.

I'm all right, if that's
what's upsetting you.

- That is not what's upsetting me.
- It fuckin' should be, shouldn't it?

I knew this would happen.
What are you gonna do, Rob?

I'm gonna drink wine.
I'm gonna watch TV and go to bed.

- Then I'm gonna go to work.
- And then what?

I'm gonna meet a girl, have children,
and the next time we talk...

- I'll have it all figured out, okay?
- I knew!

- I knew it was gonna happen.
- What are you getting so upset about?

- You know why she left.
- It's got nothing to do with marriage.

- So you say.
- Mom? I'm telling you, for the last time.

Laura didn't even want to get married.

She's not that kind of girl.
That's not what happens now.

Oh, I don't know what happens now.

Apart from, you meet someone,
you move in, she goes!

You meet someone,
you move in, she goes!

Shut up, Mom. Goddamn!

That's some cold shit.

John Dillinger was shot dead behind that
theater in a hail of F.B.I. gunfire.

You know who tipped them off?
His fuckin' girlfriend.

He just wanted to go to the movies.

Is that Peter fucking Frampton?

♪ Don't Don't hesitate ♪

♪ 'Cause our love ♪

♪ Just won't wait ♪

♪ Hm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Ooh, baby
I love your way ♪

- Rob!
- What?

- ♪ Wanna tell you I love your way ♪
- I always hated that song.

- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now I kinda like it.

- ♪ Wanna be with you night and day ♪
- Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause I ♪

She should have done
"The Number Four with a Smile."

Wasn't her record called,
"Number Four with a Smile"?

- That's what I said.
- No, no. You said The Number Four.

There's no the at the front.

It's a reference to
a Chinese meal in Toronto.

So I think that there is a the...

- but I could be wrong.
- You can be...

and are wrong.

♪ I wanna be with you night and day ♪

I want to date a musician.

- ♪ 'Cause I ♪
- I want to live with a musician.

She'd write songs at home,
and ask me what I thought of'em...

and maybe even include one of our
private little jokes in the liner notes.

Maybe a little picture of me
in the liner notes.

Just in the background somewhere.

♪ Don't hesitate ♪ ♪

- So, uh, you live in Chicago now?
- I do.

- Do you love it?
- You should come to our record store.

- Championship Vinyl.
- Oh, my God. You'd love it.

- He owns it. It's on Milwaukee--
- You'll find everything.

Soul, ska, trip-hop, techno, salsa--

- Will you come? Championship Vinyl.
- It sounds okay.

- Enjoyed your set.
- Thank you.

Why did you tell her about the store?

Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't know
it was classified information.

I know we don't have any customers,
but I thought that was a bad thing...

not a business strategy.

Rob?

It's Liz.
Just calling to see if...

you know, well, you're okay.

Look, I'm your friend too,
so I'm not taking sides... yet.

- ♪ Shadows grow so long before my eyes ♪
- Give me a call, okay? Bye.

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

- Took the morning off.
- Come on, Rob.

Do you still love me?

- Well, it's not really the issue.
- Why? What else is there?

What do you mean?
What else is there?

I don't know!

But it doesn't change the way
we don't get along at all.

In fact, I hope we're
not in love anymore, to be honest.

It would give me a better opinion
of love right now.

Did I beat you? Did I tell you
you were a bad person?

I mean, what the fuck?

- What should I have done to make you happy?
- Nothing. Make yourself happy.

- Why am I not happy?
- Because...

you're the same person you used to be.

And I'm not.

- And all I've done is changed jobs.
- And clothes and hairstyles.

- Attitudes and friends.
- I couldn't go to work...

- with my hair dyed pink.
- You're harder.

You haven't changed so much
as a pair of socks since I've known you.

- Oh, come on, Laura, you're being stupid.
- You used to talk about the future.

Now you don't even do that.

- I'm all right. You're the one that hates her job.
- You haven't got a clue.

I like my job.

All I'm saying is, you have to allow
for things to happen to people.

Most of all, to yourself.

You don't, Rob.

So what's the use?

Rob! It's your turn.

Okay. I'm feeling
kind of basic today.

Top five side ones.
Track ones.

"JanieJones," Clash.
From The Clash.

"Let's Get It On," Marvin Gaye,
from Let's Get It On.

Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit,"
off Nevermind.

Oh, no, Rob, that's not
obvious enough. Not at all.

How about "Point of No Return"
on Point of No Return?

Shut up, shut up. "White Light/White Heat,"
Velvet Underground.

- That would be on my list.
- Not on mine.

Massive Attack,
No Protection, the song is...

- "Radiation Ruling the Nation."
- Oh, kind of a new record.

- Very-- In a minute.
- Excuse me, I was--

Very nice, Rob. A sly declaration
of new classic status...

slipped into a list of old safe ones.

- Very pussy!
- Excuse me, I was--

In a minute. Couldn't you be
any more obvious than that, Rob?

How about, I don't know--
the Beatles?

How about fucking Beethoven?

Track one, side one
of the Fifth Symphony?

How can someone who has no interest
in music own a record store?

Do you still have that
Beefheart French import Safe As Milk?

Um, let's...

♪ Se-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee ♪

Ah! Yes, here it is.

Yes.

- How much you want for it?
- Uh--

Oh, no. You know what?
I don't think I'm selling it this week.

- Maybe next week.
- Oh, no. You said that last week.

Did I?
Yeah, well I just--

I--

- Nicely played.
- You know, I don't have that record. Buy it for $40.

- Rob?
- Sold.

Now, why would you sell it
to me and not to him?

- Because you're not a geek, Louis.
- You guys are snobs.

- No, we're not.
- No, seriously. You're totally elitist.

You feel like the unappreciated scholar...

so you shit on the people who know less than you.
- No!

- Which is everybody.
- Yes.

It's just sad, that's all.

I'm sick of the sight of this place.

Some days,
I'm afraid I'll go berserk.

Throw the Country "A" through " K" rack
out on the street...

and go work at a Virgin Megastore
and never come back.

- Hello?
- Hey, Liz.

- Hey, Rob.
- I just wanted to call and thank you...

for that message you sent me last night.

It really made me feel
like less of an asshole.

Ohh. Well.
How are you holding up?

Good, good.
I mean, look.

Maybe we're just not right
for each other. Or maybe we are.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Time will tell at this point...

and if it's time to move on,
it's time to move on.

I don't know.
I don't want to take sides.

And I like you with Laura.
I think you guys are good together.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I don't think much of this Ian guy.

Rob, Marie De Salle is in the store.

Uh, I've gotta go, Liz.

- We should maybe turn off her music.
- I know.

Hey. Like the music.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I can go turn it off if you want.

You might be sick of it.

- You should turn it up.
- Oh, right. Yeah. Okay.

Let me go do that, after I do
something else that I have to go do.

- All righty. Hmm.
- Yeah, I got the-- Excuse me.

What fucking Ian guy?

Laura doesn't know anybody called Ian.

There's no Ian in her office.

She has no friends called Ian!

I'm almost certain she has never
met anyone named Ian in her life.

She lives in an--

..."Ian-less" universe.

"I. Raymond."

Ray. "I."

Ian.

Mr. I. Raymond,
"Ray" to his friends...

and more importantly to his neighbor.

The guy who, until about
six weeks ago, lived upstairs.

I start to remember things about him now.

His horrible clothes and hair.

His music:
Latin and Bulgarian...

whatever world music
was trendy that week.

He had rings on his fingers.

Awful cooking smells.

I never liked him much then,
and I fuckin' hate him now.

We used to listen to him having sex.

Upstairs.

Jeez, he goes on long enough.

I should be so lucky.

♪ It feels so good ♪

You are as abandoned and noisy
as any character in a porn film.

You are Ian's plaything,
responding to his touch...

with shrieks of orgasmic delight.

No woman in the history of the world
is having better sex...

than the sex you are having with Ian...

in my head.

♪ Oh, baby
Give it up ♪

♪ Ain't no use ♪ ♪

Number five.
Jackie Alden.

Jackie Alden's breakup...

had no effect on my life whatsoever.

It was a casual thing,
and I was glad when it ended.

I just slotted her in
to bump Laura out of position.

But now, congratulations, Laura.

You made it to the top five.

Number five... with a bullet.
Welcome.

♪ Won't somebody please ♪

♪ Help me with my misery ♪

- ♪ Can't somebody see ♪
- Hey! Do you have Soul?

♪ What this one girl's done to me ♪

That all depends.

Back row,
right next to the Blues.

Championship Vinyl.

Yeah.
Yeah, I'm interested. Sure.

What's your address?

Hey, Liz.

Hey, Rob.
You fucking asshole!

Hi, Barry.

♪ Sufferin' and borin' ♪

♪ I feel I'm ignorin' ♪

♪ My time in the world Have you heard-- ♪

For a couple of years,
I was the deejay at a club.

I was good at it, I think.

And while I was doing it,
it's the happiest I've ever been.

And, that's where I met Laura.

She was already a lawyer,
but she worked for Legal Aid...

hence the leatherjacket and the clubbing.

Oh, I liked her right away.

- Hey!
- Hey!

That's a kick-ass record.

- What?
- That's a kick-ass record.

Yeah, I know.

- Um, what's your name?
- Laura!

Hey! I was gonna say, um, come back
next week and I'll make you a tape.

- All right. Thank you.
- Okay?

- Rob.
- I'm still Laura.

To be honest, I hadn't met
anyone as promising as Laura...

since I started deejaying,
and meeting promising women...

is kind of what the deejaying thing
is supposed to be about.

And anyway, we--
we moved on from there.

She lost her lease
on her apartment in Lakeview...

and she moved in with me.

And it stayed that way for years.

She didn't make me miserable,
or anxious...

or ill-at-ease.

And you know, it sounds boring,
but it wasn't.

It wasn't spectacular, either.
It was just...

good.

But really good.

So. How come
I'm suddenly an asshole?

I get the feeling that Liz talked to Laura.

And Liz stuck up for me.

And Laura told her a few things.

I don't know what precisely Laura said...

but she would have revealed
at least two, maybe even all four...

of the following pieces of information:

- One, that I slept with someone else--
- He slept with somebody else.

- What?
- ...while she, Laura, was pregnant.

- While I was pregnant.
- No!

Two. That my affair
directly contributed--

...pretty much directly to me
terminating the pregnancy.

No.

Three, that after the abortion...

I borrowed a large sum of money from her--

- ...four grand or so--
- ...and have not, as of yet, repaid any of it.

- Bastard!
- Four.

That shortly before she left me...

I told her that I was kind of
unhappy in the relationship.

And maybe sort of looking around
for someone else.

He was "sort of, maybe,"
looking around for somebody else.

Did I do and say those things?

- Yes.
- No!

Yes, I did.

- I am a fuckin' asshole.
- That's it.

Liz. No, sit down.
Sit down.

That's shocking.

That is shocking.

First of all, the money.

Laura had it,
and I didn't.

And she wanted to give it to me.

I've never been able to pay her back...

because I've never been able to.

Just because she moved in
with some Supertramp fan...

it doesn't make me five grand richer.

And number two: this stuff about me
half-looking around for someone else--

She tricked me into saying it.

We were having this State-of-the-Union
type conversation...

and she said, matter-of-factly, that we
were pretty unhappy at the moment.

And did I agree?
And I said yes.

And she asked me whether I ever
thought about meeting other people.

So, then I asked her if she ever
thought about meeting someone else.

She says, "Of course."
So I admit that, yes...

I daydream about it from time to time.

Now, I can see what we were
really talking about...

is her and Ian, and she
suckered me into absolving her.

It was a sneaky lawyer's trick.

And I fell for it because...

she's much smarter than me.

All right.
Then the pregnancy.

I didn't know she was pregnant.

Of course I didn't. I didn't know
because she hadn't told me.

She hadn't told me because I
had told her that I had sort--

Yes, I'd slept with someone else,
so I didn't find out she was pregnant...

till way later.

We were going through this good period,
and I made some crack about having kids.

- What?
- She just burst into tears...

and I said, well,
what is it, you know?

And I made her tell me,
and she did...

and I went into this brief and
ill-advised bout of self-righteousness.

You know,
"What right do you have? My child too."

Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah blah, blah.

That pretty much brings us up to date.

Who needs a drink?

♪ Who loves the sun ♪

♪ Who cares that it makes plants grow ♪

What's wrong with me?
Seriously.

What happened?

Why am I doomed...
to be left.

Doomed to be rejected.

I need answers.

♪ And what have you done
Since you broke my heart ♪

Number one.
Alison Ashmore.

- Hello? Hi.
- This is, uh, Rob Gordon calling.

- I'm an old friend of Alison's. And, um--
- What did you say your name was?

Rob. Rob Gordon. Um--

I was actually her first boyfriend...

in the 7th grade, and I was just wondering
if you had any way of reaching her.

- Her number, or--
- I hate to quibble with you, Rob...

but Alison married her first boyfriend.

Kevin Bannister.
He is her first and last boyfriend.

- You've gotta be kidding me.
- No, I'm quite serious.

She is Mrs. Kevin Bannister,
and she lives in Australia.

- We went out together in the 7th grade.
- I beg your pardon.

Well, technically,
I'm her first boyfriend, okay?

I met her a few days before Kevin did.

- Technically, number one. Me.
- I don't know what you mean by "technically."

You know, I'm number one.
Me. Technically.

I see. Well, maybe
it's my mistake.

I've got to go now, Bob.
Okay, bye-bye.

♪ Who loves the sun ♪ ♪

Alison married Kevin!

I am fine now.

Married her junior high school sweetheart.

Kissed me on the bench, kissed Kevin
on the bench, married Kevin.

This is great!
It's got nothing to do with me.

This is fate.
This is destiny.

It is beyond my control.
Beyond my fault. I love this!

I want more. I want to see
the others on the big top five.

I want to see Penny,
and Charlie and Sarah-- all of them!

You know, just see 'em
and talk to 'em.

You know,
like a Bruce Springsteen song.

You call, you ask 'em how they are,
and you see if they've forgiven you.

Yeah, and then-- And then I'd feel good.

- And they'd feel good.
- No, they'd feel good maybe, but you'd feel better.

I'd feel clean and calm.

That's what you're looking for.
You want to get ready to start again...

that'd be good for you.

Great, even.

You'd give that big final good luck and
good-bye to your all-time top five...

and just move on down the road.

Good luck, good-bye.

Thanks, Boss.

Penny is as beautiful
as she was in high school...

and really grown into herself.

She reviews movies for a living,
which is unassailably cool...

even if she does make these little notes
with this little flashlight pen.

We have a good time,
and we hate the same actors...

and everything's goin'great.

She tells me about her life,
I tell her about mine.

We both get it.
We both relate.

And then, with no real explanation,
I just launch into it.

I tell her about how Laura
wanted to sleep with Ian and not me.

Charlie wanted to sleep
with Marco and not me.

Alison Ashmore wanted
Kevin Bannister and not me.

And you, you wanted to-- You wanted to
have sex with Chris Thompson and not me.

And I was hoping you could help me
understand why this keeps happening.

Why, you know, I'm doomed to be left.
Doomed to be rejected.

Do you understand?

Um, we-well,
I-I was crazy about you.

I wanted to sleep with you one day,
but not when I was sixteen.

You know, when you broke up with me--
you broke up with me--

because I was, to use
your charming expression, tight--

I cried and I cried and I hated you,
and when that little shitbag...

asked me out, and I was
too tired to fight him off--

it wasn't rape, because I said okay,
but it wasn't far off!

You know I couldn't have sex until after
college because I hated it so much?

That's when you're supposed to
have sex, Rob. In college!

And now you want to have
a little chat about rejection!

Well, fuck you, Rob!

My God, she's right.

I broke up with her.
I rejected her.

That's another one I don't have to worry about.
I should have done this years ago.

- Ma'am? Can I get the check, please?
- Right away, sir.

Next up, Charlie.

But I'm not quite ready for that.

So I go directly to number four
on the all-time breakup list.

Sarah, my partner in rejection,
who rejected me.

- Hi, Rob.
- Hi.

- Nice to see you.
- Hi.

- Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
- Nice to see you.

- Want me to come--
- You want-- You want-- Okay, let's go out.

I can't believe I left you for him.

- Probably seemed like a good idea at the time.
- I don't know why, though.

- Are you seeing anybody?
- Um, no, yeah.

- No? No.
- Yeah. I mean, I'm in between things.

- How are you doing?
- Me? Not good.

- Really?
- No.

Oh, it's so hard.
The medication I was on is not working.

So, we're trying something else, but
it's like they don't know about it...

so I'm like a guinea pig, and--
But I'm making money. That's good.

I lost my job a month ago.
So it's been like hand to mouth--

No, I haven't got the heart
for the rejection conversation.

There are no hard feelings, and I'm glad she
ditched me and not the other way around.

I'll call you.
Nice to see you.

- Fine. Bye. See you later.
- You too.

I could have
wound up having sex back there.

And what better way
to exorcise rejection demons...

than to screw the person
who rejected you, right?

But you wouldn't be sleeping with a person.

You'd be sleeping with a whole,
sad, single-person culture.

It would be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky,
if you weren't Rocky.

I feel guilty enough as it is.

There's only Charlie left now.

She's in the fuckin' phone book.

She should be living on Neptune.

She's an extraterrestrial, a ghost,
a myth, not a person in a phone book.

Hello, this is Charlie.

Answering machine.
I'll leave a nice, polite message...

and she'll never call back.

The Killing Moon E.P. is almost
impossible to find, especially on C.D.

Yet another cruel trick played on all the
dumb-asses who got rid of their turntables.

- But every other Echo and the Bunnymen album--
- I have all the other ones.

- Oh, you do? Well, how about theJesus
and Mary Chain? - They always seemed--

They always seemed what? They always seemed
really great is what they always seemed.

They picked up where
your precious Echo left off...

and you're complaining
about no more Echo albums.

I can't believe you don't own
this fucking record! That's insane!

Jesus!

Well, the interesting thing
about Green Day is that...

so much of their music is,
in truth, directly influenced by...

in my opinion, two bands.

- The Clash--
- The Clash!

Uh, correct, The Clash.
But also...

by this band called Stiff Little Fingers.

Um, I think you would really love this band.

It sounds great.

- My name's Annaugh.
- The name's uh-- My name's Dick.

Is this the new Green Day?

You don't have it?
That is perverse.

Don't tell anybody you don't own
fucking Blonde on Blonde.

It's gonna be okay.

I will now sell five copies
of the three E.P.'s by the Beta Band.

Good.

♪ There is something inside
that you want to say ♪

♪ Say it out loud It'll be okay ♪

♪ I will be all right I will be all right ♪

♪ I will be all right I will be all right ♪

♪ There's something inside
That you wanna say ♪

♪ You can say it out loud It'll be okay ♪
- Who is that?

- It's the Beta Band.
- It's good.

- I know.
- ♪ I will be all right I will be alive ♪

- Barry! The door!
- Fuck!

Go! Go!

Hey! Okay, fuckos.

How much is this deck worth,
and how much did you steal?

Can you do the math?
Barry, call the cops.

- No!
- No, hold up. Hold up.

Ryuichi Sakamoto...

Sigue Sigue Sputnik,
Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg.

- What are you guys, stealing for other people?
- No, those are for us.

- You guys slamming toJoni Mitchell now?
- You're like, so bigoted.

- To look at us, and think you know what we listen to.
- I think you have more.

God, man!

Hi.

What do you want?

I thought I could give you a ride back.

- Are you coming home?
- Yeah.

Well, I'd like to come over
to your house to pick up some things.

My house.

- How'd it go today?
- All right.

- Do you wanna go?
- Sure.

So, have you tackled
the Great Reorganization yet?

You bet. You can take this
with you if you want.

Look at this place.
Laura, it's a dump.

What are you making now?
Sixty, seventy a year?

And you were living in this shithole.

Bet you can't even remember
what you were doing here.

I was here because I wanted to be with you.

It had nothing to do with this place.

So, uh, where are you staying now?

I think you know that.

- I had to work that out for myself, though, didn't I?
- I'm sorry.

I know I haven't been very fair.

That's why I came to the store tonight.

It took me a while to work up the courage.

- You scared now?
- Yes, of course I am.

I feel terrible, Rob.
You know, this is really hard.

Good.

So... how is everything going with Ian?

Is it working out okay?

- You're living with the guy.
- Don't.

I'm just asking how it's going.

Look, I'm not living with the guy, okay?

I'm just staying with him for a few days
until I figure out what I'm doing.

I left because we weren't exactly getting along,
and we weren't talking about it.

I'm getting to a point where
I want to get my shit together...

and I can't really see that
ever happening with you.

And, yes, I sort of got
interested in someone else.

And that went further than it should have,
so it seemed like a good time to go.

But I have no idea what will
happen with Ian in the long run.

Probably nothing.

So, what?

You definitely haven't
decided to dump me? Is that it?

There's still a chance
we might get back together?

I don't know.

Well, if you don't know...

there's a chance, right?

I mean, it would be like if someone was
in the hospital and he was seriously ill...

and the doctor said, "I don't know if
this patient has a chance of survival."

That doesn't mean the patient's definitely gonna die,
does it? I mean, he might live.

- Even if it's a remote possibility.
- I suppose so.

- So we have a chance.
- Shut up, Rob.

- I just want to know, what chance do we have?
- I don't know what chance.

If you could tell me roughly--

All right, we have a nine percent chance
of getting back together.

- Nine?
- Nine.

- Great.
- Look, I know I'm asking a lot...

but could you take off for a while
so I can get my stuff packed up?

No problem.

- You want me to leave my own house?
- Yes, please.

Laura, can I ask you one question?

Yes. One.

You're not gonna like it.

Just ask it.

Is it better?

Is what better?
Better than what?

Well... sex, I guess.
Is it better?

Is that really what's bothering you?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Do you really think
it would make a difference either way?

- I don't know.
- Well, the answer is, I don't know either.

We haven't done it yet.

Never?

I haven't felt like it.

Not even before,
when he was living upstairs?

No. I was living
with you, remember?

We've slept together,
but we haven't made love.

Not yet.

- I'll tell you one thing.
- What?

Sleeping together is better.

Sleeping together is better?

But not the sex,
because you haven't done it yet?

- Will you please just go?
- Yeah.

♪ We are the champions ♪

- ♪ My friends ♪
- Yes!

- ♪ And we'll keep on fighting ♪
- Put 'em up!

- ♪ Till the end ♪
- I feel good. I feel great.

- ♪ We are the champions ♪
- I feel like a new man.

- I feel so much better, in fact...
- ♪ We are the champions ♪

- that I go straight out and sleep with Marie De Salle.
- ♪ No time for losers ♪

♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪ ♪

"How could this
have happened?" you ask.

"How does he-- How does he do it?"

How does a regular guy like me become the
number one lover man in his postal district?

He's grumpy, he's broke, he hangs out
with the musical moron twins...

and yet he gets to go to bed
with somebody like Marie De Salle.

Hey. Marie.

- Everything go all right?
- Yeah, yeah..

She just wanted to pick up some stuff,
you know. It was no big deal. It was--

I hate that time.
Picking-up-stuff time.

- You know that song I play, "Eartha Kitt Times Two"?
- Of course!

I wrote that about me and my ex
dividing our record collection.

Great, great song.

- A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed....
- Just before I moved here.

that what really matters is what you like...

not what you are like.

Books, records, films--
These things matter.

Call me shallow.
It's the fucking truth.

And by this measure, I was having
one of the best dates of my life.

- You love that show?
- Yes!

Starring, um-- Starring, um--
Who starred in The Prisoner?

- McGoohan.
- That's right!

And then...
we talk about our exes.

She's dry and self-deprecating.

Great sense of humor about it, and I can
really see why her songs are so good.

- I guess she's happy.
- I don't speak about Laura with as much depth.

But it feels, even to me,
like I'm being intimate.

I express regret,
I say nice things about her...

and I hint at a deep ocean
of melancholy just below the surface.

Which is all bullshit, really.

I've just invented a sketch
of a decent, sensitive guy...

because I'm in the position to invent him.

And I guess all that charming,
nervous stuff seems to work somehow...

because we get back to her house and...

♪ Throw my suitcase out there too ♪

it just happens.

- ♪ Throw my covers out the door ♪
- And then we make love. It's great.

- ♪ I don't need them anymore ♪ - And that's it.
I'm not gonna go into all that other stuff.

You know,
the who-did-what-to-whom stuff.

You know that song
"Behind Closed Doors"by Charlie Rich?

It's one of my favorite songs.

- I can say we had a good time. I can say that.
- ♪ Should I have left this town ♪

Marie's a terrific woman.

♪ But it was more than I could do ♪ ♪

And then...
in the morning--

You didn't have me fooled...

acting all cool about, um, what's-her-name.

- Laura.
- Laura, right, right. Laura.

What was yours called again?

It was called James.

- James.
- James.

Do you miss him?

Yeah.

That's how it works, right?

I think it's okay if you feel horny
and fucked up at the same time.

Why should we be denied
our basic human rights...

just 'cause we messed up our relationships?

You think sex is a basic human right?

Hell, yeah! Yeah.

I'm not gonna let that asshole
come between me and a fuck.

- Which way are you going?
- That way. You?

- That way.
- Ah, so it is.

- Talk to you.
- I'll call you.

Right.

What did Laura mean last night when she
said, "I haven't slept with him yet"?

Yet! What does "yet"
mean anyway?

It means you're gonna do it,
doesn't it? Or does it?

Just come on. What would it mean
to you, that sentence:

"I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet"?

Well, to me it would mean that you're a liar.

You've seen it twice. Once with Laura--
oops-- and once with me and Dick.

We had that conversation about that guy making
shotgun ammo off-screen in the 14th century.

Right. But let's just say
that I hadn't seen it.

And I said, "I haven't seen
Evil Dead II yet." What would you think?

I'd think that you're a cinematic idiot,
and I'd feel sorry for you.

All right. But from that one sentence,
would you think that I was going to see it?

I'm sorry, Rob.
I'm struggling here.

You're asking me what would I
think if you told me...

you hadn't seen a film
that you have already seen.

Just listen to me.
If I said to you--

"I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet," yes.

Would you get the impression
that I really wanted to see it?

Oh, well, you couldn't have been desperate to see it,
otherwise you'd have already gone.

Right. I'm not
gonna see that movie.

But the word "yet."
Yeah, you know what?

I get the impression
that you wanted to see it...

otherwise you'd have said
you didn't want to go.

But in your opinion,
would I definitely go?

How the fuck am I supposed
to know? Probably.

- Why?
- Because it's a brilliant film.

It's so funny and violent,
and the soundtrack kicks fucking ass.

I never thought I'd say this,
but can I go work now?

Look, Laura, if you don't want me to call you at work,
then give me your home number.

Oh, I forgot.
You can't.

I'm not gonna get off this phone
until you agree to meet me for a drink.

I'm sorry, but I don't see why this has
to be on your terms all the time, really.

Okay, okay!
We'll meet, then, tonight.

That'd be great if you're not too busy.

It'll be really good... to see you.

So, how are you?

Have you slept with him yet?

Is that why you wanted to see me?

I guess.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to say you haven't,
and I want that to be the truth.

I can't do that.

♪ Say a word forJimmy Brown ♪

You must have known it would happen.

You couldn't have been entirely
unprepared like you said.

I've been living with the guy.

We were bound to get
around to it sometime.

Rob, are you there?
What are you thinking?

We can meet for another drink if you want.

So I can explain it better.
I owe you that much.

I don't have your number.

I don't want this to be the last conversation we have.
I know what you're like.

You do, huh?

I need a second opinion.

Hi, this is Tim.
City and state, please.

Uh, Chicago. A residence.
Mr. Ian Raymond.

- Please hold for that number.
- May I also have that address?

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

- Rob?
- Laura, I just want to say something.

I think you're running,
you're running from a sharp point...

that anybody hits in any relationship,
and it's just gonna happen again.

But it's gonna be with this guy
Ian, later, when you're older.

With a guy with a Steven Seagal ponytail.

You know what I'm saying?
And-And he doesn't love you.

And he doesn't understand you,
not the way I will.

And I will even more so in the future.

I mean, if you want
to experiment or whatever--

I'm not experimenting.
Why don't you go experiment?

- Laura, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Is that him?
- Look, can you-- can you call me at work?

I gotta go now.

You look upset.

Yeah, I'm-I'm upset,
but I'm fine.

- Maybe I should talk to him.
- No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Conflict resolution is my job.

Yeah, I know. But, Ian,
there's really nothing to resolve.

But thank you.

You have got to stop calling her.

You're really
upsetting her, and him!

- Like I care about him.
- Well, you should.

- Why?
- Because all you're doing is forming a little unit.

Them against you! Before you
started all this psychotic madness...

there was no unit;
there was just three people in a mess.

But now they've got something in common.

And you don't want
to make anything worse.

How could it get any worse
than Laura with Ian?

- Come on, Liz.
- Rob, Rob, Rob.

Can I ask you a question? And you
can think about it if you want to.

Just what is it?

Why do you want Laura back so badly?

Rob, phone.

♪ I was walking on the water
when I saw a crocodile ♪

Barry, that fucking pricer's busted,
and I'm not the one who broke it.

Hello.
Rob? Bonjour. Bonjour.

Who is this?

Is this Ch-- Is this Charlie?

Hi. I just got back into town.

Wow! Rob Gordon.
The Rob Gordon.

So how are you doing? Huh? Does it
seem like millions of years ago?

Yeah, yeah.
Like a billion, right?

So, uh--
God, Charlie Nicholson. How are you?

I mean, do you have kids
and stuff like everybody else?

No. No, I'm too young,
too single.

I don't know. Kids are too... time-consuming,
I guess, is the expression I'm looking for.

I'm not making this up.
This is how she talks--

as if nobody ever had a conversation about
having kids in the history of the world.

She's incredible.

So, anyway,
are you in or out, Rob?

- I'm sorry?
- Well, you know-- I don't know.

I just find these long-lost
boyfriend calls a little unnerving.

- There's been a rash of them recently.
- Is that right?

Yeah. Oh, remember Marco?
I went out with him after you.

- Kind of.
- Kind of, yeah.

Well, he called a few months ago.

I think he was going through one of those
what-does-it-all-mean kind of things.

He wanted to see me and
"rehash the past," as they say.

Was I up for that?
No. No.

So-- I don't know--
do all men go through that?

I've never heard of it before. I'm sorry, Charlie,
but what does "Are you in or out" mean?

Well, it means,
are we friends or aren't we?

Because if we are,
that's great, that's great.

But if we're not, I don't really
want to spend time playing catch-up.

You know what I mean?
I'm just really busy, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure. Of course.

- So, are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.

Oh, yeah? Great. Do you want to come
for a dinner party tomorrow night?

♪ Have you ever watched a moonbeam ♪

Can I help you?

- ♪ As it slid across your windowpane ♪
- Hello, Rob.

Remember me? Ray. Ian.

I thought maybe we should talk.

- No.
- Sort things out.

- What needs sorting out?
- Ten phone calls a night.

Hanging around outside my house.

- I've stopped all of that now.
- You were there this morning.

Obviously, I know how special
Laura is, and I know how...

much pain you must be
going through right now.

I would hate it if I lost her.

Guess who?

But I'd like to believe that if she decided...

that she didn't want to see me anymore...

that I would respect those wishes.

You know what I'm saying, "G"?

- Yeah.
- Good.

So, shall we leave it at that, then?

I've already left it...

you pathetic rebound fuck!

Now, get your patchouli stink
out of my store!

Move it, lard-ass!

Dumb motherfucker.

So, um, shall we
leave it at that, then?

- Tsk. No.
- Don't! Don't!

- He's not worth it!
- Leave town!

Leave the country!
You little bitch!

'Cause you'll look back at ten
phone calls a night as the golden age!

Get ready, motherfucker!

So, shall we leave it at that, then?

Get him!

- Come on!
- Get him, man!

- ♪ Have you ever watched a moonbeam ♪
- Well, think about it, Rob.

Okay?

♪ As is slid across your windowpane ♪ ♪

Hey, jelly bean.

Charles.

- How are you?
- Good. How are you?

Hey, everybody!
Everybody, this is Rob.

Rob, this is everybody.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Come on in. Make yourself at home.
Is that for me?

- Yeah.
- Oh, it's a little warm. I'll put it in the fridge.

I think if you get a dog,
you've got to raise it yourself.

- You have to deal with a dog from day one.
- Of course you do.

You're gonna take care of him,
raise him--

- Fine, thanks. Do you want a drink?
- Yeah, I would.

I can see now that I'm doomed to die...

a long, slow suffocating death,
and I try to figure out why.

Of course there's envy.
Why isn't my life like this?

Sure, I want their money and
clothes and jobs and opinions.

And I'd like to have advice
on jet lag, but that's not it.

I mean, they're not bad people,
and I'm not a class warrior. It's something else.

I never did. I never did. And I was very supportive--
- Then it dawns on me.

- It came down to me to tell him the truth.
- Charlie's awful.

What was the truth?

- She doesn't listen to anyone.
She says stupid things, - No. Well, I have--

and she apparently has
no sense of humor at all...

and talks shit all night long.

Maybe she's been like this all along.

- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.

Call me tomorrow, okay?
Call me. Promise to call me.

Bye.

How did I manage to edit all this out?

How had I made this girl
the answer to all the world's problems?

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Rob.

So, Charlie,
why'd you dump me for Marco?

Fuck! I knew it!
I knew it!

I knew it!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- What?
- You are. You are going through...

one of those what-does-it-all-mean things.

I can't believe you, Rob.

Yes, I am.
Very much. Indeed so.

Oh, God.

Come on. Answer the question.

Oh, come on, Charlie.
Don't hold back.

You can say whatever you like.

Why'd you dump me for Marco?

Marco just seemed to be
a bit more... glamorous.

You know?
More sure of himself.

Less hard work.

A little... sunnier.

Sparkier.

♪ Through the park
Make love along the way ♪

- ♪ In Mendocino ♪
- You put that ad up?

- Yeah.
- What can you play?

Nothin'.
What kind of stuff are you into?

The kind of stuff you mentioned.

- But we want to be more experimental than that.
- Ummm.

We want to retain our pop sensibilities,
but, you know, go further out.

- That sounds great.
- No gigs yet.

We just got together.
Is Tuesday night cool for you?

- We'll just, you know...
- ♪ What I have told you ♪

- jam.
- Yeah.

- ♪ Can you dig it ♪
- All right.

Later.

- What?
- What do you mean, what?

You've had that poster up on the wall
for, like, 17,000 years.

And then some guy comes in off the street.
You act like it's no big deal.

- It's just a garage band. It's nothing special.
- You don't play an instrument.

I can sing. What, you think I'm gonna
stick around here the rest of my life?

Hey, it's half past
a monkey's ass. Let's go.

Uh, I can't meet you guys
at the club tonight.

- Why?
- ♪ In Mendocino ♪

- Who are you going to see?
- Nobody.

Rob! Lookie, lookie!
Dick, are you getting some?

Un-fucking-believable!

Dick's got a hot date!
How did this happen?

What rational explanation
can there possibly be? What's her name?

- Anaugh.
- Anaugh? Anaugh Conda?

- Anaugh Moss.
- Anaugh Moss?

Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy?

And you met this bruiser where, exactly?

The home for the mentally challenged
or the blind or the bus station?

Um, here. She asked me
about the new Green Day album, and--

Oh, man! Finally!
Anaugh.

That's great, Dick!
Really smoke that ass.

Listen, Rob,
I can't go to the club, either.

I gotta get some lyrics down on paper.

Oh, yeah, me too.
Well, not, uh, lyrics to get down.

But, um, um--
So, I'll see you, um, tomorrow.

- Hi, Laura.
- "Top five dream jobs."

- Hey, that's private.
- "Number one:

journalist for Rolling Stone
magazine, 1976 to 1979.

Get to meet the Clash, Chrissy Hynde,
Sex Pistols, David Byrne.

Get tons of free records.
Number two:

Producer, Atlantic Records,
1964 to 1971.

Get to meet Aretha,
Wilson Pickett, Solomon Burke."

- More free records.
- "More free records and a shitload of money."

- "Number three: any kind of musician."
- Besides classical or rap.

- "Settle for being one of the
Memphis Horns or something." - Sure.

- "I'm not asking to beJagger or
Hendrix or Otis Redding." - Uh-huh.

"Number four: film director."

Any kind except German or silent.

And number five,
we have "architect."

- Yeah.
- Seven years' training.

- I'm not sure I even want to be an architect.
- So you've got a list here...

of five things you'd do if qualifications...

and time and history
and salary were no object?

- Yeah.
- One of them you don't really want to do anyway.

Well, I did put it at number five.

Wouldn't you rather own your own
record store than be an architect?

- Yeah, I suppose.
- And you wouldn't want to be...

a 16th-century explorer
or the king of France?

- God, no.
- All right. There you go, then.

Dream job number five:
record store owner.

I find it interesting that you
keep showing up here, Laura.

Well, this is the last of it.

Those bags look heavy.
Where's Ian?

Or Ray or--

What is his fucking name anyway?

- What do you call him? Ian or Ray?
- Ray.

- I hate Ian.
- I hate him too.

Yeah, I'm sure.

See ya.

Good-bye.

Top five things I miss about Laura.

One: sense of humor. Very dry,
but it can also be warm and forgiving.

And she's got one of the best all-time
laughs in the history of all-time laughs.

She laughs with her entire body.

Two: She's got character.

Or at least she had character
before the Ian nightmare.

She's loyal and honest...

and she doesn't even take it out
on people when she's having a bad day.

That's character.

Three:

I miss her smell...

and the way she tastes.

It's a mystery of human chemistry,
and I don't understand it.

Some people, as far as your senses
are concerned, just feel like home.

I really dig how she walks around.

It's like she doesn't care how
she looks or what she projects.

And it's not that she doesn't care,
it's just-- She's not affected, I guess.

And that gives her grace.

And five: She does this thing in bed
when she can't get to sleep.

She kind of half-moans and then rubs her
feet together an equal number of times.

It just kills me.

Believe me, I could do a top-five-things
about her that drive me crazy...

but it's just your garden-variety women,
you know, schizo stuff...

and that's the kind of thinking
that got me here.

Ahhh! Damn!

- You maggots!
- Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man!

- You're pretty when you're angry.
- Shit!

Hey, Rob, Laura called.

Really?

♪ What you gonna do ♪

♪ The man's gone out to get you ♪

♪ How you gonna look ♪

- What is this?
- It's Vince and Justin.

- Who's Vince and Justin?
- Those little skate fuckers.

- No way.
- Way.

It's really--

It's really fuckin' good.

Hey, do you guys know Vince and Justin,
the guys that come in my store?

- Yeah, they're right over there, man.
- Thanks.

- Quit smoking. I'm telling you--
- Hey! Your tape.

- It's good.
- I know. We made it.

- Thank you. - I mean,
It's rough, but, unbelievably, it shows promise.

I'll put out your record.

Any profits we split down the middle
after I recoup expenses, okay?

Recoup expenses? Man, you're gonna recoup a big,
fat Mercedes is what you're gonna do.

- We're not there yet, Justin.
- I'm Vince.

Whatever.
What's the name of your band?

- Uh, the Kinky Wizards.
- Nice.

What's the name of your label?

Top Five Records.

What was that? You just told them you're
gonna put out a record with them?

Yeah. So what? You said yourself those guys
are good. What are you getting hot about?

Well, it just seems that you think it
would be wiser to start a record label...

by putting out a record with
business-crippling Nazi youth shoplifters...

than someone you know in your bitter,
jealous heart is a musical visionary.

What do your songs sound like? Sex Pistols?
Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?

- You wouldn't be familiar with our
immediate influences. - Try me.

- They're mostly German.
- Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?

Hey. You called?

Fuckin' asshole.

Laura, are you all right?

My dad-- My dad died.

- What's up?
- Laura's dad died.

Oh, drag.

I'm sorry, Rob.

Hey, top five songs about death.

A Laura's dad tribute list.

Okay? Okay.

"Leader OfThe Pack."

The guy fuckin' beefs it
on his motorcycle and dies, right?

"Dead Man's Curve."
Jan and Dean.

Do you know that right after they recorded
that song, Jan himself, um, crashed his--

- It was Dean, you fuckin' idiot.
- It was Jan.

- It was a long time after the--
- Okay, whatever.

"Tell Laura I Love Her."
That would bring the house down.

Laura's mom could sing it.

- You know what I'd want?
- Huh?

"One Step Beyond" by Madness.

No, no, no, no, no.
Wh-When are you going home?

In a minute,
when I get it together.

And, uh, "You Can't
Always Get What You Want."

Immediate disqualification because of
its involvement with The Big Chill.

Oh, God, you're right.

Um, Mom wants you to come to the funeral.

- Oh. Me?
- Yes. My dad really liked you.

And Mom never told him we'd split,
because he wasn't up to it.

"Wreck OfThe Edmund Fitzgerald."
Uh, Gordon Lightfoot.

Bastard. That's so good
that should have been mine.

Do you, uh--
Do you want me there?

I don't care, as long as you don't
expect me to hold your hand.

- Is Ray going?
- No!

♪ The night Laura's daddy died ♪

♪ Sha-na-na, na-na-na
na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Brother, what a night
it really was ♪

♪ Mother, what a night
it really-- Angina's tough ♪

♪ Glory be ♪

♪ Brother, what a night
it really was ♪

♪ Brother, what a night
Angina's tough-- ♪ ♪

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done...

- on Earth as it is in heaven.
- Songs at my funeral:

"Many Rivers To Cross" byJimmy Cliff...

"Angel" by Aretha Franklin...

and I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful,
tearful woman will insist on...

"You're The Best Thing That Ever
Happened To Me" by Gladys Knight.

- But who would that woman be?
- Amen.

- Hey, Jo.
- Hi, Liz.

Hey. How are you doing?

I'm all right, I suppose.
Mom's not too bad.

But Laura-- I don't know.

Yeah, well, she's had a rough time
of it already, without this.

It's just so hard when you put all of
your efforts into one area of your life...

and it doesn't work out.

Don't mind me, really. Just pretend like
you're talking about someone else. It's okay.

Well, in fact, we are talking about
someone else. We're talking about Laura.

- Oh.
- Oh?

Don't fuckin' say "oh" like that to me, Liz.

I'm really sorry, Jo. Look,
I can either stick up for myself...

or I can believe everything you say
about me and end up hating myself.

But that's not
much of a life, is it? Huh?

Do you think this is really the time
to be talking about--

Just because it's never the time, Liz?
I can't go on apologizing my whole life.

I think just the once would do!

- I'm very sorry, Laura.
- Thanks for coming.

I'm so sorry, Laura.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Laura... I'm sorry.

♪ Most of the time ♪

♪ I'm clear-focused all around ♪

♪ Most of the time ♪

♪ I can keep both feet on the ground ♪

♪ I can follow the path ♪

♪ I can read the signs ♪

♪ Stay right with it When the road unwinds ♪

♪ I can handle whatever ♪

♪ I stumble upon ♪

♪ I don't even notice ♪

- ♪ She gone ♪
- I can see now I never really committed to Laura.

- ♪ Most of the time ♪
- I always had one foot out the door...

and that prevented me
from doing a lot of things.

Like thinking about my future and--

- I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing.
- ♪ Most of the time ♪

- Keep my options open.
- ♪ It's well-understood ♪

- And that's suicide.
- ♪ Most of the time ♪

- By tiny, tiny increments.
- ♪ I wouldn't change it if I could ♪

♪ I can make it all match up ♪

♪ I can hold my own ♪

♪ I can view the situation ♪

♪ Right down to the bone ♪

♪ I can survive ♪

♪ And I can endure ♪

♪ Hell, I don't even think ♪

♪ About her ♪

♪ Most of the time ♪ ♪

Are you gonna lie
in that flower bed all night?

No.

- You're soaking.
- Yeah.

You're also an idiot.

Look, Laura,
I'm really sorry.

Thank you.
I appreciate it.

Why don't you just get back, and I'm
just gonna wait here for the bus.

No, I don't want to be there. When I saw you leave,
I used it as an excuse to get out.

Is there anything I can do?

- Come on.
- Where?

I'll show you.
Let's go.

Right.

Dad used to bring us here
when we were kids.

Listen, Rob,
would you have sex with me?

'Cause I want to feel
something else than this.

It's either that, or I go home
and put my hand in the fire.

Unless you want to stub
cigarettes out on my arm.

No. I only have a few left.
I've been saving them for later.

Right.
It'll have to be sex, then.

Right. Right.

I knew there was a reason
I wore a skirt today.

- Just stay there.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It doesn't seem so long ago
that I looked at you from here.

Hey, go be with your mom.

I'm too tired.

I'm too tired not to be with you.

So if you had a bit more energy,
we'd stay split up?

But things being as they are, you being wiped
out and all, you wanna get back together?

- Is that it?
- Yeah.

Mmm. What about Ian?

Well, Ray's a disaster.

Look...

I, I know it's not very romantic, Rob.

But there will be romance again
at some stage, I'm sure.

- I just--
- So... that's it?

Well, you've made it clear
you want me back, so--

Look, um, we can talk about it
later if-if you want to.

Right now, I--
I just--

Right now, I just
want to go home... with you.

Okay.

So... yeah.

And so we got back together,
and it was great.

She moved all her stuff back in,
all at once.

- When did you decide to get back with me, exactly?
- I'm not telling you.

- See, that's not a nice way to play.
- ♪ The better you look ♪

- We went out to dinner every night.
- ♪ The more I want you ♪

What else?

- We stayed in and made love all the time.
- ♪ When you turn on your smile ♪

- ♪ I feel my heart go wild ♪
- We talked about the future.

- ♪ I'm like a child with a brand-new toy ♪
- Important stuff. Issues.

How can you like Art Garfunkel
and Marvin Gaye?

That's like saying you support
the Israelis and the Palestinians.

No, it's not like saying
that at all, actually, Rob.

Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel
make pop records.

Made. Made. Marvin Gaye's dead.
His father shot him.

You could say it was everything
I ever wanted... really.

- Marvin Gaye! "Let's Get It On."
- I know.

That's our song! Marvin Gaye is
responsible for our entire relationship.

Oh, is that so? I'd like
a word with him, then.

It was everything I ever wanted.

Except, for some fucking reason...

this--

Excuse me.
Is this Stereo Lab?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

I haven't heard this one.
It's really good.

Yeah, I know.

Are you Bob?

Rob.

Oh, right. Yeah, Rob.
You used to deejay.

I used to go to the Double Door
to hear you spin.

You were unbelievable.

- Really? Well--
- I'm Caroline.

Hi.

- What do you do?
- I work for The Reader. I write a music column.

You're Caroline Fortis?
I read your column.

- It's great.
You really know what you're talking about. - Thanks.

- Rob, phone.
- Can you take a message?

It's your girlfriend.

Excuse me.

Hey.

Hey, what the fuck is this?

- Talk to your woman.
- It was her idea.

♪ Crumbs busted Pass the popcorn As I kick--♪ ♪

Laura!

"Dance music for old people"?

It's an idea I had when I was with, um, Ian...

and I thought it was such a good one, that I was
really annoyed we weren't together anymore.

- It may be why I came back.
- A record release party?

What if I was doing something
that can't be cancelled?

- What are you ever doing that can't be cancelled?
- That's not the point!

- The single cannot be done. There's a million things!
- It'll be done. Guess what?

Oh, guess what? Barry said
his band will play a set.

Barry is playing at this thing?

Fucking, what are you-- Are you insane?

Barry, I'll give you ten percent
of the door if you don't play.

Rob, we're getting that anyway.

- Twenty. Twenty percent.
- No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig.

A hundred and ten percent. That's how
much it means to me not to hear you play.

- Rob, we're called Sonic Death Monkey.
- Sonic Death Monkey?

Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois
lawyer friends can't handle it, fuck them.

Let 'em riot.
We're Sonic fucking Death Monkey.

Let me get this straight.
We made the C.D. with you.

Now your friends and your girlfriend are
throwing some kind of celebration party...

and you're asking us
not to come to the party?

Exactly.

I don't know, dude.
That just seems kind of stupid.

It's just the whole thing
is just blown way out of proportion.

It's just a three-song CD.
It's a single.

It's just-- It's not a big deal.

It's just that you're making something.

You, the critic,
the professional appreciator...

put something new into the world.

The second one of those things gets sold
to someone, you're officially a part of it.

Congratulations, Rob.

You know, I guess I think I've always
been a professional critic...

you know, or some sort of
professional appreciator or something.

And I just wanted to, you know,
do something new...

put something new out into the world...

kind of really put my money
where my mouth is.

Yeah. Wow. You know,
I would love to hear them.

- Why don't I send it over to you when it's, uh, done?
- Really?

- I will look forward to that.
- I will look forward to sending it.

- You know, we should get back to the interview.
- Yeah, let's do that.

Okay. What are your all-time
top five favorite records?

In the club or at home?

Listen. I'll tell you what.
Why don't I just make you a tape?

Now, the making of a good
compilation tape is a very subtle art.

Many do's and don'ts.

First of all, you're using someone
else's poetry to express how you feel.

This is a delicate thing.

So, for this one,
I'm thinking...

I'm thinking--

When is this gonna stop?

When's what gonna stop?

Uh, nothing.

Who's the tape for?

Just some girl who interviewed me
for The Reader.

So what am I gonna do now?
Just keep jumping...

from rock to rock for the rest of my
life until there aren't any rocks left?

Should I bolt every time I get that feeling
in my gut when I meet someone new?

I've been thinking with my gut
since I was 14 years old...

and, frankly speaking, I've come to the
conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

Hi. Drinking lunch
on a school day.

That's a nice surprise.

- Are you nervous about tomorrow night?
- Not really, no.

Well, are you gonna talk to me,
or shall I get my paper out?

- No, I'm gonna talk to you.
- Great. What are you gonna talk to me about?

Um, I'm gonna talk to you
about whether or not...

you want to get married to me.

- I'm serious.
- Yes, I know.

Well, thanks a fucking bunch.

I'm sorry. Two days ago,
you were making tapes...

- for that girl from The Reader.
- Yeah.

Well, forgive me if I don't think
of you as the world's safest bet.

Would you marry me if I was?

- What brought all this on?
- I don't know.

- I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time.
- About what?

This stuff. Love and... settling down
and marriage, you know?

I want to think about something else.

I changed my mind.

That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.

- I do. I will.
- Just shut up, please.

I'm trying to explain, okay?

That other girl,
or other women, whatever--

I mean, I was thinking
that they're just fantasies.

You know? And they always
seem really great...

because there's never any problems.

And if there are,
they're cute problems...

like, you know, we bought each other
the same Christmas present...

or she wants to go see a movie
that I've already seen, you know?

And then I come home,
and you and I have real problems...

and you don't even want to see
the movie I want to see, period.

- There's no lingerie and--
- I have lingerie.

Yes, you do. You have great lingerie.
But you also have the cotton underwear...

that's been washed a thousand times,
and it's hanging on the thing and--

And they have it too. It's just I don't have
to see it because it's not in the fantasy.

Do you understand?
I'm tired of the fantasy...

because it doesn't really exist.

And there are never really any
surprises, and it never really--

- Delivers?
- Delivers.

Right.
And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of everything else,
for that matter.

But I don't ever seem to get tired of you.

So--

I think I know what you mean.

But were you really
expecting me to say yes?

I don't know. I didn't
think about it, really.

I thought asking was the important part.

Well, you've asked.
Thank you.

Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight.

That was just a little bit
of"I Sold My Mom's Wheelchair"...

the title track
from the album of same name...

the record we're having
this record release party for.

The two burgeoning criminals behind
this opus are standing by the bar.

They're underage,
and we'll lose our liquor license--

But we'll get to them in a moment.

First, I have to introduce a band,
so please don't leave...

until after they finish
and we play the record.

Right now,
it's my great, great pleasure....

to introduce...
Sonic Death Monkey.

I'm an idiot. I should've
played the whole album first.

- These people are gonna burn the place down.
- No, no, it's gonna be fine.

These people are ready for anything.

- It's gonna be fine. Watch.
- Thank you.

You're so kind. Rob, thank you
for the enthusiastic intro...

but we're no longer
called Sonic Death Monkey.

We're on the verge of being called,
uh, Kathleen Turner Overdrive.

However, this evening
we will be Barry Jive...

and the Uptown Five.

♪ I been really tryin', baby ♪

♪ To hold on to this feeling ♪

♪ For so long ♪

♪ And if you feel ♪

♪ Like I feel, sugar, come on ♪

♪ Ohhh, come on, oooh ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Let's love, sugar ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Sugar ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We are all sensitive people ♪

♪ With so much to give ♪

♪ Understanding, sugar ♪

♪ Since we got to be ♪

♪ Let's live ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ There's nothing wrong ♪

♪ With me loving you ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ And giving yourself to me ♪

♪ Could never be wrong ♪

♪ If the love is true
Oh, baby ♪

♪ Don't you know
how sweet and wonderful ♪

- ♪ Life can be ♪ ♪
- The making of a great compilation tape...

like breaking up, is hard to do and
takes ages longer than it might seem.

You gotta kick it off
with a killer to grab attention.

Then you gotta take it up a notch,
but you don't want to blow your wad.

So then you gotta cool it off a notch.
There are a lot of rules.

Anyway, I've started to make a tape...

- ♪ Here's the songs that meet our ears ♪
- in my head, for Laura.

- ♪ And sights our eyes behold ♪
- Full of stuff she'd like.

Full of stuff that'd make her happy.

♪ We'll open up our merging hearts ♪

- For the first time, I can see how that's done.
- ♪ And see our empty souls ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love ♪

♪ This time it will be forever ♪

♪ Without despair ♪

♪ We will share ♪

♪ And the joys of caring ♪

♪ Will not be replaced ♪

♪ What has been ♪

♪ Must never end ♪

♪ And with the strength we have ♪

♪ Won't be erased ♪

♪ When the truth of love
all planned and firm ♪

♪ They won't be hard to find ♪

♪ And the words of love I speak to you ♪

♪ Will echo in my mind ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love this time ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

- ♪ Ever ♪
- ♪ Ever ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

- ♪ God answered ♪
- ♪ I believe when I fall in love ♪

- ♪ My prayer ♪
- ♪ With you it will be forever ♪

- ♪ God answered my prayer ♪
- ♪ I believe when I fall in love with you ♪

- ♪ It will be forever ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪ ♪

♪ I just got out my little red book ♪

♪ The minute that you said good-bye ♪

♪ I thumbed right through
my little red book ♪

♪ I wasn't gonna sit and cry ♪

♪ And I went from "A "to "Z"♪

♪ I took out every pretty girl in town ♪

♪ They danced with me and as I held them ♪

♪ All I did was talk about you ♪

♪ Hear your name and I'd start to cry ♪

♪ There's just no getting over you ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ There ain't no girl in my little red book ♪

♪ Who could ever replace your charms ♪

♪ And each girl in my little red book ♪

♪ Knows you're the one I'm thinking of ♪

♪ Oh, won't you please
come back ♪

♪ Without your precious love I can't go on ♪

♪ Where can love be I need you so much ♪

♪ All I did was talk talk about you ♪

♪ Hear your name and I'd start to cry ♪

♪ There's just no getting over you ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, won't you please come back ♪

♪ Without your precious love I can't go on ♪

♪ It's haunting me I need you so much ♪

♪ All I did was talk talk about you ♪

♪ Hear your name and I'd start to cry ♪

♪ There's just no getting over you ♪

♪ All I did was talk talk about you ♪

♪ Hear your name and I'd start to cry ♪

♪ There's just no getting over you ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪ ♪

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