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ZIMMERMAN: (IN GERMAN ACCENT) Minus five... Minus four...

Three... Two... One...

Ignition!

We have separation.

MILBURN: What'll she do?

The mission of Stardust is to explore

the stars and planets of this galaxy and beyond.

I know that.

I mean, how fast will she go?

Stardust should definitely travel faster than light,

which, as you all know, is 186,283.4 miles per second.

Wow, that's really pouring the coal to it.

(CHUCKLES) We won't be using coal, Senator Milburn.

Stardust will actually collect atoms

while in flight,

ionizing the medium ahead of the craft

and guiding the ions into the intake area here.

This can be accomplished

by the use of intense magnetic fields.

In just four and a half years, the craft could reach

our nearest star, Alpha Centauri.

Aren't speeds like that supposed to turn back the clock

or develop a time warp?

This flight will put Einstein's theory of relativity to the test.

The crew, of course, will not be aware of the passage of time.

Did you say "crew"?

Indeed. The ship is designed to accommodate two crewmen.

You can stop right there, Doctor.

You intend to put fine, young American men into that untried contraption

and shoot 'em out of this world into some never-never land?

That's oversimplifying it, but yes.

Oh, no, you're not.

Not while I'm chairman of the finance ways-and-means committee

of this project.

Not with the elections coming up.

We have some women in the space program. Women? No, sir.

You'd better come up

with another brainstorm, Doctor,

or that baby's never gonna get out of this room.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Trimble here. Trimble, what are you doing?

Uh, transcendental meditation, sir.

I'm taking you off that project, Trimble.

You're going onto humanoids immediately.

Hum...

Humanoids?

Trimble, I want a robot

that walks, talks, sees, reacts... The works.

Yes, sir.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

It's another method of transportation,

known as an airplane.

Man uses it to fly through the air.

(CLICK)

(BEEPS)

This is a woman.

I am a man. That is a woman.

You are modeled after me.

She is the opposite sex.

(RAPID BEEPING)

(CRUNCHING)

We named him Hermes

after the Greek god of speed.

We've managed to simulate

an ordinary, average human body.

Not only does Hermes look human,

but he has human reflexes

and, uh, human responses to a given situation,

such as...

(BOING)

(CLEARS THROAT) How do you feel, Hermes?

(BEEPING) (MONOTONE) Fine, thank you.

He talks, he reacts to shapes and stimuli,

and can feed back to us

information on human anatomical compensation

to interstellar flight almost as well as man.

Please, gentlemen, step up and say hello. (CHUCKLES)

Well, Senator... We did it.

MALE NEWSCASTER: The interstellar spacecraft

that will travel farther and faster

than anything yet conceived by man,

Stardust is designed and equipped

for landing and exploration on distant planets.

We're informed by ground control

that all systems are still green,

but we're on hold due to a technical problem.

Hermes...

The president is waiting.

What's holding things up?

I've got important guests out there.

Hermes doesn't want to go. He's afraid. Afraid?

What's he afraid of?

That he won't ever come back.

It's a possibility,

and Hermes has thought the problem through.

Walter's asking about the delay.

Uh, tell him it's a technical problem.

We're taking care of it.

Yes, sir.

Zimmerman...

I approved this Rube Goldberg contraption,

and my committee chairmanship is riding on it.

You blow it, and your budget next year

won't be enough to build a paper airplane.

Smedley, get Trimble out there

to try and talk some sense into it.

And snap it up!

There's a storm front coming in!

Yes, sir.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Hermes? Hermes?

I want to talk to you. Close the hatch.

Now, what is all this about you not wanting to go?

(BEEPING)

I'm afraid I'm never coming back.

Of course you're coming back.

What a silly thing to say! Now, come on, get into your nice, white spacesuit.

Doctor Zimmerman thinks it'll be good publicity.

You know, you put me

in a very embarrassing position here.

I mean, what are people gonna think

if we have to scrub this mission because you're afraid?

Great big robot like you.

Come on.

Now, just put this thing on.

What's this?

Hermes! (BEEPING)

Well, 30 years is 30 years, I suppose.

Listen...

Well, forget the suit.

But anyway, Hermes, we've spent a lot of time

and a lot of money on this mission.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(ENGINE ROARS)

Is that you, Hermes?

No, it's me, Tom Trimble!

Get out of the picture, Trimble.

You look awful.

Where's Hermes?

He's here. I think he's hurt...

B-broken.

Dr. Zimmerman, you've got to get us down!

Impossible, Trimble.

We can't abort this mission now.

Just make yourself comfortable.

For 30 years?

Oh, it won't seem that long to you.

Ten at the outside.

Please, I have acrophobia,

and it's getting worse every minute!

Relax, Trimble, relax,

or we can't get true readings on you.

Oh, something else, Trimble...

When you get back, there'll be

a nice little surprise in your pay envelope.

How does that sound?

Like a posthumous award!

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I have to go.

Uh, Trimble, you probably won't have much to report

until you reach star Vega, but, uh,

keep in touch.

But you...

(BEEPING)

Hermes! Hermes, do something!

We've got to get this thing down!

Do what you were programmed to do! (BEEPING)

Oh, I'm sorry, Hermes.

Your timing-pulse staticizer probably got jammed

by your radix when you bumped your head.

Don't worry, it's nothing that a soldering iron

and a screwdriver can't fix.

I got to get this thing into orbit.

(ELECTRONIC HUMMING)

Oh, no!

(SPUTTERING)

Oh, boy, the power's failing.

No...

It's the sun... Rising and setting.

I got to slow this thing down.

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT) We'd best spend the night right here

and then get an early start for Camelot in the morning.

There.

(BOOMING)

(HONKING)

What was that?

(ENGINE ROARING)

It's after us!

(SQUAWKING) Shh!

(BUZZING)

Now why would it stick its tongue out at us?

What's that?

(GOOSE HONKS)

Now you've done it.

Fly for your life!

Oh, please, take me instead!

No contest.

But, lady, you wouldn't believe what I've been through,

so would you just...

Where am I?

Bodney on Trent, Langdale Walk, Bennington Green,

Devonshire Cream, Cornwall, England,

the year of our Lord, 508...

Monster.

508! It really works!

You really can turn back the clock!

Here.

Albert Einstein, you really knew your stuff!

What is it you're after?

Well, I'm trying to figure some way

to get Stardust into orbit, rewind the clock,

and get back to the Cape.

Mmm.

Well, we must be going now.

Where? Camelot.

It's four leagues, Monster.

Why do you keep calling me "Monster"?

Well, you have no face and no ears.

If you can help me get this thing off,

I can show you what I look like inside.

Oh, uh, I'm not that curious to look inside you.

Please, can we go now?

Wait, uh, who's in charge here?

I suppose I am.

Mum died of the plague three years past,

and this is Father.

Come on.

What's that she's consorting with?

It is too big for a troll.

Yet it's plainly not aggressive.

Are you certain you want to go to the castle?

They aren't always friendly to monst... Strangers.

Well, I got to get out of here.

Maybe in Camelot I can find some reasonable person

who doesn't think I'm a creature from outer space.

And where do you come from?

Hey, hey! Easy with the stick!

I friend!

Aiding fugitives is punishable by death.

I wasn't aiding anybody! I was just...

You are my prisoner! Do you contest that?

No, no, discretion is the better part of valor.

That's very good.

I must tell that to the king.

Lead on, prisoner! To Camelot!

Go on with your story.

Well...

Sir Mordred wanted Father's land,

but Father refused to give it up.

You see, he believes

that every freeman should own the land he works.

Isn't that right, Father?

(SCREAMS)

I think so, too.

What is that? They keep doing that!

They think you're a goblin.

Goblins... They come out in the evening.

Well, do you still think I'm a goblin?

Heaven forbid.

I never thought it for an instant.

Goblins don't fly.

Get to the part where your Father becomes a goose.

A gander!

I don't believe it! Oh, it's quite true.

No, no, no, I mean the castle.

That's Camelot?

It is.

King Arthur's Camelot? Mm-hmm.

Come on.

Well, when I returned from Haymarket,

the gander was in Father's chair,

eating breakfast crumbs off the table.

So naturally you figured it was your old man

transformed by some evil spell.

Well, what else could it have been?

Father was nowhere to be seen, and the door was locked.

If only I could see Merlin.

I know he could make Father himself again.

Merlin... The magician?

Yes. But how would the likes of you know Merlin?

Oh... Just by reputation.

(CROWD MURMURS)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

(CROWD MURMURS)

(SQUEAKING)

Now, most gracious King Arthur,

I shall transform this pink-eyed white rat

into vintage red wine.

If I were to turn you to stone, Sir Gawain,

possibly I might continue uninterrupted.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

At-ray... Anish-vay...

Ecome-bum... Ine-way.

Ow-nay.

By my sword, it's wine! Wine!

And that concludes

my dazzling display of black magic

for this evening.

Your servant.

CROWD: Oh!

(APPLAUSE)

(CROWD GASPING)

MORDRED: Fear not. I have it subdued.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Your Majesty.

ARTHUR: Mordred, what have you in tow this time?

King Arthur... After the ceremony, I...

(SWORDS CLATTER)

Your Majesty, with intention to rob,

this creature, and five like it, fell upon me in the forest

with firebrands and lances.

I dispatched the others and spared this one

as a curio for Your Majesty.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

The head resembles a large bug with one eye.

And I've not seen tentacles like that

on a land creature before.

It's this spacesuit, Your Majesty.

In saddle shoes, slacks, and a blazer, I...

What are your plans for the thing?

It's not large enough for a beast of burden,

and it's too large for a pet.

I was thinking more along the lines of a burning.

Excellent suggestion, Mordred!

With Your Majesty's approval, of course,

I could possibly do something a little out of the ordinary with this creature.

Well... Well, what do mean, "burning"?

Burn who? For what?

Burning is a fit punishment for the offense.

Very well then.

A burning... Early tomorrow.

CROWD: Burning!

Hey, wait a minute! When do I get my turn at bat?

Wait!

Let him speak.

I would know something of your clan.

You know, I think I could sell this a little better

if I could get this helmet off.

Do you have a wrench around here?

Wench, wench?

We've several wenches about the castle,

but we don't usually make them available

to captive, uh, things.

However... Peg!

Tend to its needs...

Within reason.

Yeah, I think if you could get

a headlock around here and twist.

Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. (CROWD GASPS)

A face!

(CROWD MURMURING)

Hi... Uh...

You wanted to hear, uh, something about my clan.

I suppose I... I should start with a little history,

or in your case, a little future.

In, uh, 1492,

a man named Christopher Columbus

is going to discover America.

Now, America is another continent,

approximately 3,000 miles from here.

Columbus' ships will be named the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.

Uh, a lot of people think that Leif Ericson got there first.

I don't know about that.

All I know is that all the banks are closed

on Columbus Day, not Ericson Day.

Ericson Day...

So, uh, we jump a couple hundred years,

and the pilgrims...

(SNORING)

...so when Stardust blasted off prematurely,

I was trapped inside.

Now... You recall my explanation of the law of gravity

and how that theory is applied to orbiting objects?

Well, Stardust...

Yes, yes, we all recall.

Madame Curie and Fulton's steamboat

and that imbecile who flew kites in the rain.

Just think what we could do with the likes of them today...

If they were not just the creation of your disordered brain!

(MURMURING)

TOM: Those are the straight goods, King.

It happened just the way I told you,

or at least, it will happen that way.

And you seriously expect us to believe

that you were alive 1,400 years from now?

Then why aren't you 1,400 years old?

Well, that's a little difficult to explain.

MORDRED: With your permission, sire,

may I suggest we put an end to this travesty?

Agreed. Take him away.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

I can tell you how the Crusades are gonna come out,

and I can warn you here that Mordred tries to take over your kingdom!

And maybe with a little historical license, I can help you out, King!

I eat very little,

and I'm very good with a screwdriver!

If you just listen...

Food for Sir Mordred's latest prisoner.

Sandy?

Over here!

Oh!

Thing...

I hardly recognized you without your head on.

Would you stop with that "thing" thing?

This is getting serious.

I'm gonna be burned at the stake tomorrow. Can you believe that?

Me, burned at the stake?

I heard.

But see, I've brought you something.

Oh.

Clarence's hammer.

To free you from your chains.

You did all this for me?

Well, you've harmed no one. You should be set free

to return to your natural habitat.

Oh, you mean, the USA.

Mmm, or the sky... Wherever you like it best.

Lady, when you get an idea in your head, you don't let go, do you?

Now, look at me. Look at me closely.

Do I look like a monster to you?

No, not so much anymore.

But you did when you came out of your shell, breathing smoke.

No, no, that was steam.

You see, it was as hot as an oven in the capsule when I re-entered.

How does ordinary man live in an oven?

Ah, this is a very special suit.

It resists heat.

See, it's even got its own temperature control.

Like a built-in air-conditioning system. (AIR HISSING)

Now, between that and the asbestos mater...

Asbestos material!

I need a match.

Ooh, didn't that hurt?

No, no.

Here, hold that candle.

And that doesn't either!

I must go now. No, no, there's no reason to be afraid!

I'll be safe. Don't you see?

This material is a mixture of a silicate of calcium

and magnesium.

It doesn't conduct heat.

Now do you understand?

Of course.

No, no, Sandy, I'm no different from you or anybody... Ow!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(MAN GROANING)

What was that?

Next room.

Man's got growing pains, but it can't last for long.

(CHAINS RATTLING)

Are you all right?

Who... Who asks such a stupid question?

Tom Trimble. I'm Sir Mordred's prisoner.

Satan himself.

He wants me to confess I killed one of his deer.

If I confess to his charge,

I must forfeit all my properties to him.

It is my only legacy

to my beloved daughter, Alisande.

Are you Sandy's father?

You... You know my daughter?

Yes, yes.

Poor child must think me dead.

No, actually she thinks you're a goose. A goose?

Her own father?

She must get word to our sovereign.

Don't worry.

Right after I'm burned at the stake,

I'll tell the whole story to King Arthur.

Would it not show more foresight

to tell him before the burning?

(SIGHS)

I had troubling dreams when I did sleep, Gawain.

Tell me,

was it the Wright brothers who discovered radio?

I think not, Your Highness.

That was, uh, that was Babe Ruth.

Oh.

And Uncle Miltie was, uh, will be the first man to fly, correct?

I believe he invents the horseless carriage, Your Grace.

But I dozed off through that period.

I wonder if he couldn't be trained to be a court jester.

He tells the best lies we've ever heard at the table.

True, true.

Better even than Sir Mordred's.

How's that, Sir Gawain?

Oh, when I say "better..." (CHUCKLES)

I mean "different."

I mean, you tell the most excellent lies,

Sir Mordred... Um, of course you do, but...

MERLIN: Executioners!

By his majesty's gracious command,

bring in the creature!

(CROWD MURMURING)

(BLEATS)

Look at the size of him!

He's eaten a hearty last meal.

(BLEATS)

Clarence!

Could you reach inside my leg there?

Hold that till I get back.

There's some very good articles in it.

It is most brave, isn't it, Father?

(CLUCKING)

Uh, King Arthur?

Could I please have a word with you after the burning?

"After the burning?"

Well...

If he feels up to it, I see no harm.

Make sure it is bound securely.

TOM: Oh, no! (AIR HISSES)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(GASPS)

It would appear it's suddenly wasting away.

We'd best proceed while there's still something left of the monster to burn.

Start the burning! (CHEERING)

By my halidom!

Mordred, you're rarely at a loss for words.

What sayest thou?

Plainly, he comes from hearty stock, Your Majesty.

Merlin! Fan the flames!

I-fum estroy-dum is-thum eature-crum!

CROWD: Oh!

(WOMEN SCREAM)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(AIR HISSING) Yow!

Merlin.

Do you think this creature has unholy powers?

Impossible!

What I mean, Your Majesty, my liege,

I may possibly have underestimated his capacities.

I'd rather he was with us than against us.

I'm afraid we've already abused that option.

But I can't have it roaming the halls of Camelot!

Mordred, 'twas all your doing.

And I shall be the thing's undoing.

There is nothing to fear!

We have yet to see how this creature resists cold steel!

Oh!

MORDRED: Page!

Go inside and fetch my sword. Me?

Thou jests!

Thou art on thin ice as it is, page.

I bid thee obey!

(GOOSE HONKS)

You're in bad trouble.

Sir Mordred's looking for you.

Can't we declare King's X for a bit, Clarence?

I must find the monster and help him.

He cannot defend himself against weapons.

That we have seen.

Well, what concern is that of yours?

Oh, Clarence, perhaps he isn't a monster.

Did you see that?

With these eyes,

but my heart refuses to accept it.

Come.

We must help it escape. Come on, Father.

(SQUAWKS)

He's all right.

(SQUAWKING)

Sandy!

I can explain everything. I saw your Father, and... There's no time!

Sir Mordred threatens to run you through with his sword!

Clarence, lend a hand here, will you, please?

Ugh.

MORDRED: Page, I wouldst have my sword!

Is there a back door... A laundry chute maybe?

None, and only the king can order the drawbridge lowered.

MORDRED: I'll section that creature like a hung beef!

Oh, it's locked!

Oh!

Well, surely you can defend yourself in some way!

Ugh.

Do you bite?

CLARENCE: We have the finest selection of swords

in the country here.

Try one for weight and balance.

TOM: Isn't that King Arthur's sword?

Ugh!

Oh, I knew it!

Your heart is pure.

There's no time for that now.

You better leave before Mordred gets here.

I couldn't bear to watch anyway.

Clarence, I don't know how to fight!

I must deliver Sir Mordred his sword.

If he thought for a minute I'd befriended thee... Listen, you have to help me.

Impossible!

Sir Mordred would boil me in oil! He'll never know.

I'm a lowly page... But I'll do what I can.

Great, now, which way is north?

Have you got a hammer? Only in the blacksmith's shop.

Anything will do. Something heavy.

I'm gonna try to magnetize this sword. Magnetize it?

Yes, a solid blow to the handle should rearrange

the molecular structure of the steel.

Hurry up! Come on!

What delays thee, page? I'll skewer thee!

He wenteth that way.

It's taken refuge in the great hall.

Where it will see its last moments!

(GRUNTING)

(STRAINING)

It has taken on rust. (GRUNTS)

I have been putting my lance to use of late. (STRAINING)

Mordred, please,

I have a knack for this sort of thing.

Aah! Oh!

(SNIFFS)

Ha!

Ugh!

Oomph!

Sir Mordred!

Are you going to be long over this?

You're holding up the midday meal.

I beg your indulgence, sire. Ugh!

But my... My trusty sword and I seem to be at odds.

He seems quite attached to it.

I... I hate to impose on you further, Your Majesty,

but... Would you be so kind?

(SIGHS)

Ugh!

I'll filet thee like a flounder!

ARTHUR: May I remind you, Mordred,

that you are a knight of the round table with a reputation?

SIR GAWAIN: Hear! Hear! Oof!

If you would be so kind, Sir Gawain...

Is that fair? A good knight must learn to use his own judgment.

Uh, well, uh, Sir Mordred is one of our own.

Release it quickly.

I find it impossible to oblige you, Sir Mordred.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

Oh! (YELLS)

MERLIN: It is metal it attracts, Sir Mordred.

Touch not metal with the blade.

His head be not of metal!

Oh!

Ah!

Guards, stand fast!

Now, Mordred. Put an end to it.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, dear, what a pity.

TOM: Sir Lancelot... Is he here?

Uh, he's taken leave... Something about rescuing a maiden.

Oh, I heard he was into that.

Sir Brandel...

Sir Gal... Oh! Here's Sir Galahad.

Sir Galahad.

Oh, I can't wait to get home and tell the folks about this.

Which reminds me, I've got to start working

on a way to get back to the 20th century.

Yes, you keep saying that, but I can't see

how one can possibly go back to the 20th century

when we're still only in the 6th.

Well, I'll figure it out. Tell... Tell me, Tom, please...

I promise not to let it go past this room...

Where exactly do you come from?

Well, King, do you remember when I told you

about Columbus sailing the ocean blue?

Wait, wait, no, I can't go into that again...

Bugs that jitter,

beetles that throw rocks...

No, no, play rock.

You'll understand better when I show you Stardust.

Sir Gal... Ah, Sir Mordred.

King... No, never mind.

Well, what is it?

Well, I don't like to get mixed up

into office politics...

But my sources tell me that Mordred here has got a sideline going.

Sideline? He's moonlighting.

He's got some poor guy spread-eagle on the rack,

trying to force him to confess to poaching

so that Mordred can rip off his land.

What?

That's a serious charge against one of my knights.

I trust you have proof. Oh, I do. Follow me.

Wait.

A king does not follow a captive,

however weird that captive may be.

Sorry, King. Go ahead.

TOM: Downstairs and to your left, King.

ARTHUR: Mm-hmm.

TOM: Sir Mordred put him down here.

Poor guy's just skin and bones.

It appears he's wasted away to nothing.

MORDRED: If indeed he ever was here.

Mordred, I'm told that you're involved in a... What?

Land-grab.

Wresting property from free men on false charges.

A blatant lie, Your Majesty.

My honor has been impugned. I demand satisfaction on the field.

Again? He has that right.

Though I must say, I've lost some good knights that way.

Maybe I made a mistake.

Maybe he said "Moorhead" instead of "Mordred."

A joust to the death!

You wouldn't consider changing that to a game of chess?

Chess? To the death?

I demand satisfaction!

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

So be it.

It shall be decided tomorrow.

I'll tell you one thing, no more nice-guy me.

I think you can safely say that.

(WHISPERING) Clarence! Are you alone?

Please go away.

My hours are numbered as it is.

I've got a proposition for you.

This is yours to keep...

If you'll help me get out of here.

If you don't meet Sir Mordred tomorrow on the field of honor,

you'll be banished from England forever.

That still beats a sharp stick in the chest.

What do you say?

There's a rope by the old outer chapel.

I'll be there at...

What's that?

Oh, uh, 9:00.

Okay.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Whoa!

What news upon my worthy opponent?

We've searched the castle from turret to dungeon.

He must have fled during the night.

Well, obviously, he's cast his spell upon the guards and fled into some covert,

which gives little satisfaction to me.

Well, if he has not made an appearance soon,

we'll consider him vanquished.

And with it, I trust, his heinous charges

against Sir Mordred, my liege.

Hello? What's this?

Oh, Father, he looks so handsome,

all in white with his little red, white and blue flag.

We must give him something

to take into battle and his world beyond.

(SQUAWKS)

It looks as though you shall not have your victory

without bloodletting after all, Mordred.

My pleasure!

Let's get on with it.

Ha! Hup!

(GOOSE HONKING)

Oh, Thomas, it would make me most proud

if you'd carry something of mine into battle.

Please, wear this.

(HONKING)

Oh, it's from Father, too.

(BEEPS) (MONOTONE) Thank you.

TOM: Is it over yet?

Not yet.

But the maid Alisande has revealed herself

and is talking to your twin brother.

He's not my brother. Sandy?

Yes.

I told you, he's a humanoid. A robot.

When we reset his staticizer last night,

I programmed him to joust for me.

Well, if thou say so.

Thomas... (CLEARS THROAT)

(ON RADIO) I wouldn't dare speak like this

if I thought I'd ever have to face you again.

But since you're going to be killed anyway,

I see no harm in revealing my strange feelings for you.

Listen to that, Clarence. I think she likes me.

We really have no time for this.

If one of Sir Mordred's servants found us here,

well, I dare not contemplate

what form his wrath might take.

Okay.

All right, Hermes, that's enough.

Hermes, put the girl down and get on with the joust.

He's programmed to react to sights and sounds but this is sheer insubordination.

Hermes, put the girl down and go on with the joust.

That's an order.

(BEEPS) You feel soft.

I feel soft?

That's it? That's all you have to say?

(BEEPS) Later.

There's not gonna be any later, Hermes.

Remember, I can turn you off as fast as she can turn you on.

Please get whatever thou seeks

and let us vacate these chambers.

Oh, you're right.

(PLAYING FANFARE)

(NEIGHING)

(BEEPS) Giddy up.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

ALL: Oh!

Do you think somebody should tell the American

his arm's missing?

I cannot intercede. I made the rule myself.

How's it going?

Aw, look at that.

Hermes, turn around and do it again.

You just have to keep going

till you can't go any longer.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

TOM: How's Hermes doing?

Not very well, I'm afraid.

He seems to have lost his head.

Oh, don't worry about Hermes. He's cool.

Oh, you mean, really lost his head!

I'm sorry, Hermes.

(BEEPING) This is to save England.

I have seen similar phenomena in chickens, my lord.

This is England, sire.

(SIGHS)

Sir Mordred!

Can you not put an end to this dissection?

It has long ceased to be sport.

As Your Majesty knows,

tradition demands he must yield or die.

Ha!

(CHEERING)

Well, at least it's out of its misery.

Come.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

(POPPING) Oh!

The contest is over down there! How's Hermes?

Done for.

Oh, I sorry I yelled at him.

Maybe I can put him together again.

Oh, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't do that.

Look at this. This is it!

Just wait till King Arthur gets a load of this!

Come on, let's go!

Hmm. Pity.

I was becoming rather attached to it, whatever it was.

It will no longer be a source of torment, sire.

I have dispatched the creature from our midst for all time.

MERLIN: With your permission, Your Majesty,

I will keep... (COUGHS) Keep these remains

for my laboratory...

(POPPING) Oh!

And thereby gain an insight into its origins and feeding habits.

Yes, well, do as you please, Merlin,

but, uh, tidy up thoroughly.

Merlin, I... Hmm!

Oh, sorry.

Um, I wonder if I might prevail upon you

to change my father over there into his old self.

It seems that... Later, later, my child!

One can see that more important matters demand my attention.

You and your father can wait in my quarters.

TOM: Wait a minute!

Everybody stay right where you are!

Merlin, you keep your mitts off Hermes, there.

Sandy, I'm all right!

You are?

ARTHUR: Really, this is too much.

You reproduce yourself like a lizard's tail,

you change colors like a chameleon...

King, I'm here to present documentary proof that Mordred here

is acquiring territory, arms and men for a takeover.

How did you manage is to acquire such holdings?

And I see you've been levying your own taxes.

To what end, Sir Mordred?

Well?

To take over Camelot and, with it, England.

He sees himself in your chair, King.

Seize that knight!

Death to Arthur!

Stop him!

(BUZZING)

You know, Gawain, there's something unholy about this.

Wouldn't it be better to let him rest in peace?

(RAPID BEEPING)

Perhaps a dandelion poultice would help.

Well, it's not as bad as I thought.

I can bypass his metabolic synthesizer

and still keep his voice-command analyzer functioning.

(CLUCKS)

Maybe you could do something about Father when you're finished.

I told you I saw your Father in the castle.

I talked to him. Are you certain?

He's about 12 stone and 5'9".

He may be a little taller than that now.

Thomas, we have to thank you for revealing Mordred's treachery.

Is there no way we can repay you?

No, King, I'm just glad to help out.

Gawain, we must be off to inspect the castle defenses.

I'm worried about Mordred's attack. TOM: King?

I may be able to help out there. Hmm.

Hang in there, Hermes.

We'll have you up and about in no time.

(BEEPS) Okay.

No hard feelings about the joust, I hope.

You are so brave, Hermes.

(BEEPS) Mmm...

(BEEPS)

(GASPS)

Oh, don't worry. He's resting comfortably.

Uh, Clarence, weren't you supposed to help hide the valuables?

So, uh...

(SIGHS)

How would you like a personally conducted tour of Stardust?

Oh, uh, I think not.

I got some LPs in there you probably haven't heard.

Um, Fleetwood Mac, Rolling Stones.

Thanks anyway.

Hey... Why the... The hot-and-cold bit?

Didn't you say before the joust that you felt pangs?

Oh, Thomas, I made an awful fool of myself.

I didn't know who or what I was talking to.

I bared my heart to...

To your brother here.

And it turns out that he's full of wiggly things and smoke.

Look, Sandy, I'm just as human as you are.

I've got a mother and a father.

He's an optometrist in... In Poughkeepsie.

I barely squeaked through Grover Cleveland High,

but I did get a Master's at Slippery Rock College,

and I lettered in baseball.

I took Mona Shanks to the senior prom,

struck out there.

I've got a good job.

What more do you want?

I am just an average American boy!

Don't you understand that? No!

Oh, come on, Father.

Maybe we can get to see Merlin now.

(CLUCKS AND HONKS)

Keep a sharp eye.

Fear not, sire.

We shall defend our castle, whatever the cost may be.

We shall fight on the beachheads.

We shall fight on the landing grounds.

We shall fight in the courtyards and in the halls.

We shall never surrender.

I'll be darned.

Well said, Winston.

In all probability, they'll come from the north.

They'll come from the south.

Mordred will make a direct assault on the gates

with battering rams and superior forces.

Well, they'll have to bridge the moat first,

and I think I have the answer to that.

You do?

Yes, sir.

You see that hay cart down there?

ARTHUR: We can all see the hay cart.

(HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING)

(EXPLOSION)

(CLAMORING) Oh!

What wizardry hast thou now, Tom?

Well, King, this is called a laser gun.

Hermes was supposed to use it on other planets

for collecting rock samples.

See, you... You pull the trigger there,

and don't point it at anything that you want to keep.

Well, a cart is a cart, but let's see how effective it is

against the stone walls of Camelot.

All right, wait one second.

(BEEPING) Six, five, three...

Okay. Now?

Okay.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I, for one, have always had

the highest regard for you, Tom.

I remain, sire, your most obedient servant.

Gawain, please.

Cease thy fawning prattle.

This is a very dangerous weapon.

Be careful it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Oh, don't worry, King, I keep it handy at all times.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Oaf...

It is going to be impossible for Mordred to take Camelot

with that American and his magic candle.

Oaf kill.

No... Arthur would have an immediate investigation.

There's more than one way to skin a cat,

though it could get pretty sticky.

Find that demented girl and tell her

the magician will see her in the lower chambers.

And I will take care of the American.

You understand

what you are to do, oaf?

Now, you be nice to the magician when he sees you.

And remember, he's there to help.

(GOOSE CLUCKS)

Merlin is expecting us.

The first visit is two gold coins,

payable at time of treatment.

(BELL RINGS)

The magician will see you now.

Well, my dear, what seems to be the matter?

Oh, I'm all right, sire. It's Father here...

(SCREAMS)

Oh! Let me go! Let me go!

Get rid of that accursed goose!

Father!

Don't eat it, you animal!

There will be feathers all over the place!

Let me go!

(GOOSE SQUAWKING)

(HONKING)

Where is she?

I know not, sire.

I was just informed that she would meet you here.

She wanted to hear some of your... LPs?

Thanks.

(WHISTLING)

Fiendishly clever, the American.

Who else would have thought to hide it there?

But he did not reckon

with the clairvoyant powers of the invincible Merlin.

CLARENCE: Is it gonna make that big noise again?

I hope not.

I had the cotton packed too tightly last time.

That's why it exploded.

(BEEPS) He's trying to get thrust

to propel the craft into the air.

Can't you see that? Very good, Hermes.

(BEEPS) Where's Sandy?

Now, you just forget about her.

I cooled my heels for three hours, waiting for her.

She and I are through.

You put her out of your mind, too.

(BEEPS) That's not easy.

Okay, here goes. (HISSING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey!

I'm terribly sorry. Hmmm.

I hope you're as handy with that dagger when Mordred attacks.

That's okay. I think I can fix it.

(GOOSE SQUAWKING)

Hey! What have you got there?

It's a goose, as anyone can plainly see.

It's a gander, and no one can plainly see. Where did you find him?

It was on the moat, then it flew up to the parapets.

He will make a splendid supper.

No, he won't. You keep him in protective custody.

And, uh, not that I care,

but where was the girl?

There was no girl about, just him.

But I did hear a woman scream from yon wood.

I saw her with oaf,

going towards Merlin's chambers. That quack?

(GOOSE CLUCKS)

King, I think we're in trouble.

You surely don't think you've misplaced her under there.

The laser gun... It's gone! Well, who would take it?

Merlin!

He lured me out of here by saying Sandy would meet me at Stardust.

Merlin and Mordred?

Absolutely. They're in cahoots!

Where? Partners. They're partners.

Where would he take her?

The seaside is awfully nice this time of year. Oh, Gawain, please.

This is serious!

Mordred's camp. No doubt. We've got to do something!

(BEEPS) Don't look at me.

No, no. This job I'll take care of myself.

You're not going after the wench?

The poor kid needs help!

(SNAPS FINGERS) I got it!

King, I need your armor.

Oh, really!

You keep forgetting that you're a prisoner.

I do not go about lending prisoners my armor!

The answer is no!

Well, then Mordred will reduce Camelot to dust.

(SIGHS)

Well... Perhaps my workaday armor.

No, your Sunday-go- to-meeting armor.

The shiniest you've got.

(SIGHS)

Page... Fetch it.

(BUZZING)

GAWAIN: Sounds like some monstrous cat.

ARTHUR: Like none I've ever heard.

(HUMMING)

What has it coughed up now?

Yes, Tom, it's a fine cart,

but where do the oxen go?

King, this is a battery-powered lunar rover.

(WHIRRING)

This is the soil sampler... Anyway, I'll explain later. Clarence, buff me up.

I can't understand all this fuss

over a mere slip of a girl.

I can find you five girls more comely and more cooperative than that one.

Yes, but not as dingy.

Lower the drawbridge!

I say when the bridge is to be lowered!

I told you that.

I'm sorry, King, but I'm in a hurry.

Lower the bridge!

Hold the fort till I get back.

Alas... We won't see him again.

(ENGINE WHINING)

MORDRED: This passageway

will give us access to the castle.

At dawn, you will engage the defenders until the drawbridge can be lowered.

This passage... Won't it be defended?

It is my secret passage beneath the moat.

The king has no knowledge of it, and it is no concern of yours.

We'll do our best to... Just have your men present in force

when the portcullis is raised.

Enough to crush all resistance.

MAN: Sire!

Sire, something approaches the camp. "Something?"

It has two eyes that light up the night, sire,

and makes strange breathing sounds.

(DOG BARKING)

MAN: Call out the guards!

MERLIN: It is the American. He has taken the bait.

It's King Arthur himself.

TOM: No, it's Tom Trimble.

I've come for Alisande.

Oh, Tom, you shouldn't have come here!

They plan to kill you!

And with your choice of weapons.

Get behind me.

MERLIN: That will serve little purpose, creature.

We have seen the awesome power of the magic candle.

It will annihilate you both in a flash.

Now, Mordred, do the honors.

Any parting words, American?

Well, I'd like to speak to Sandy for a second if it's okay.

Be brief. All right.

Sandy, in case I don't pull this off,

I just want you to know that I really groove on you.

And my idea of heaven would be to split a pizza

and a six-pack while watching the Super Bowl on television.

Maybe smooch a little at the half.

Well, what do you think?

Any news of Father?

Didn't you hear me?

I just told you I loved you!

I'm not going all through that again.

On the other hand...

If it's between you and Oaf,

I'll take you.

Great. Pull down my visor and get behind me.

Yes.

Fire at will, Mordred!

(CLAMORING)

Mordred, cease before you destroy your entire force.

He has bewitched it.

(SOLDIERS SCREAMING)

Stop them!

(WEAPONS CLATTERING)

(AIR HISSES)

(YELLING)

Oaf, hold these two.

I'll settle with them later.

On to the tunnel!

(ROOSTER CROWS)

MAN: 6:00 and all's well!

Come on!

Oaf!

Oaf, look!

To eat.

You... Eat.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

Oh!

(GROANS)

Quick, sit on my lap! I'll do no such thing!

Sit on my lap!

(ENGINE ROARS)

Better put your arm around me. It's safer.

Are you taking me to your nest?

No, Camelot.

I hope it's got the same landlord when we get there.

Capture the gatehouse.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Look, sire, it's Tom!

(SCREAMS)

(ALL YELLING)

(YELLING CONTINUES)

ARTHUR: Well done!

(GRUNTING)

Once more, the gatehouse!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Come on!

Stand to!

MORDRED: Lower the drawbridge!

Raise the portcullis!

(CLAMORING)

Thank you, Tom! Well done! Thank you! Well done.

Never have so many owed so much to one man.

What a nice thought.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Ha!

MAN: Look out!

Degore! Stop those bowmen!

Oh, Gawain...

I've told you before,

never turn your back on the enemy.

It's quite dangerous,

and it's no way to be found after the battle.

(SCREAMS)

TOM: Clarence! Sandy!

TOM: The winch! Come, Clarence! Hurry!

Free the winch!

Oh!

No, no!

No, no, no!

Okay,

now lower me down to the ledge.

We're to lower him to the ledge.

Ugh. (PANTING)

They will pay dearly for every inch!

(GROANS)

Hermes?

Activate all systems.

(BEEPS) (MOTOR WHIRRING)

Fire rocket engines 1, 2, and 3.

(ENGINES ROAR)

(ALL YELLING)

The American's wings must be clipped

if we are to save the day.

(ENGINES SHUT DOWN)

Do not fear the contrivance!

It has no power!

TOM: (ON RADIO) Engage left vernier thruster.

Aah!

Activate all vernier thrusters

as your sensors warn of approaching danger.

Ah!

(STRAINING)

Whoa, whoa!

Take me back up to the ledge!

You're too heavy!

(THRUSTERS CONTINUE FIRING)

♪ Oh, say, can you see... ♪

Hermes, close the hatch.

(GRUNTS)

Hold on, Clarence. Not so fast.

(GROANS)

Destroy the American! He is our nemesis!

Hermes, set both magnetic fields on pulse.

(WHIRRING)

(BEEPING)

(PULSATING)

(GROANING)

He must be destroyed! Get him!

Get him, I say!

A purse for the man who finishes him!

Increase power, both magnetic fields.

(PULSATING VOLUME INCREASES)

Clarence! Uh, it's getting heavier!

The king said this armor was solid gold.

It's not.

(STRAINING)

I think he's in trouble. What kind?

It's difficult to say, but... Don't look, Sandy.

(SCREAMS)

Hermes! Cut the power!

(SIGHS)

Come on, Father.

King, take 'em downtown and book 'em.

Thank you, Tom. We owe you our kingdom.

Victory!

(CHEERING)

Hurray! Hurray!

(BLOWS)

Gee, I don't know what to say.

This is such distinguished company...

King Arthur, Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad...

Sir Gawain. ...Sir Gawain.

I will retire this chair, Thomas.

And if ever you return, your place at the round table will be here.

Boy, they're never gonna believe this at the Cape.

Yes, they will!

Everybody, group up there for the photograph.

The what? Don't worry. I'll show you in a minute.

All right, now. Bunch in, bunch in.

Sandy, you and your father get over here.

Sir Gawain, you go here. King, you move...

Clarence, scrunch in next to the king.

Put your arm around him, King.

Go on, go on, hurry up. And everybody say "cheese."

ALL: "Cheese"?

Now, King... This is what I mean by a photograph.

ARTHUR: That's me!

Yeah, it's the whole gang.

Here, King, now, you take this.

When Merlin gets out, it'll drive him bananas.

Bananas? Yep.

Uh, Sandy, could I talk to you for just a second?

Well... I'm going now.

Wish I could take you with me.

So many things I'd like to show you.

My old MG, and my ten-speed...

Space Mountain, The Grand Canyon.

That would be very nice.

But I just don't know if you'd survive the trip.

You could age 1,000 years before we even re-entered.

I understand.

And thank you once again for getting Merlin

to change my father back into his old self.

Sure.

Would... Would you give this to Hermes, please?

Sure.

Well... Bye.

Clarence, I want to thank you.

You helped change the course of history.

Did I? You certainly did,

Oh! Thank you, Hermes.

This is a token of our appreciation.

If it fails, will Sir Tom be staying on with us?

If it fails, we have a permanent place for him in the main chapel.

Yes, but... Don't bother me, Gawain. I have important work to do.

It's from his uncle, Sam.

Really? How nice.

(BUTTONS CLICKING) Minus 10 and counting.

Nine... Eight...

Let's see if we can get this thing off the ground.

Five... Four... Three... Two... One...

Ignition!

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Blast off!

(ENGINES ROARING)

We have liftoff.

We did it!

(CHEERING)

From Sandy.

(BEEPS)

"Dear Hermes... I think you are sweet,

"and I will always remember you fondly.

"But there can never be anything serious between us.

"I have given the matter a lot of thought, and I like Tom best.

"But it was not an easy decision.

"Alisande."

(BEEPS)

Ready?

(WHIRRING)

(ENGINES ROAR)

I hope we're winding the clock the right way.

HERMES: Year 680. (BEEPS)

Good man. (BEEPS)

Robot.

(GOOSE HONKS)

We're traveling 290,000 miles a second,

and somebody wants us to move over?

(HONKING)

Oh, so, that's where you've been lately.

Oh, will you look at that? Father laid an egg.

(CHUCKLES) How could we have been so wrong?

(BEEPS)

Not bad for a goose more than 100 years old.

You're right.

You're right!

He... She hasn't changed a bit!

Look at her feathers! Look at her eyes!

Don't you see? That means that Sandy wouldn't age either!

Hermes, right vernier thruster 180 degrees.

(BEEPS) What on Earth are you going to do with her?

You mean, "What am I going to do with her on Earth?"

Live happily ever after.

Isn't that what you're supposed to do in a situation like this?