Original subtitles

- What the fuck!

Please help me!

Please, please, please stop!

Help me!

Please help me!

Oh my god.

Please, please help me.

Oh my god.

What is it with you people?

What is wrong with you?

Please, please help me!

This wasn't even in the fucking movie.

He looks ridiculous under that thing.

Please, please,

please help me.

- How'd it look mom?

- I think it looked really good Max.

- Did you get the--

- Oh yes, I got it.

- Okay, alright, you should get the body bag from the van

and I'll take Darcy's head.

- Okie dokie.

- Come on mom, you know I don't like that.

- Sorry, sorry.

I'll get the body bag.

- She wanted to repay me for saving her life.

Her courage, her passion for romance.

Even in what might have been the last moments of life.

That made my heart melt.

- This is weird.

- Great, some prick wants to play chicken.

- I mean, what is the point of the alien head?

I still don't understand.

- I explained all this to you.

I'm not trying to perfectly recreate

the original scenes from the movies.

I'm re-imagining them.

This is a performance art piece.

It's transformational.

- You explained all this when exactly?

- When you were still, you know, alive.

- I have absolutely no--

- Hold on, I need to get your eyes.

What color eyes do you have?

- What, you don't know?

- Can you please just cooperate?

- Go to hell.

- Did you need something Max honey?

- No mom, I'm just talking to Darcy's head.

- Okay honey.

- Fine, no problem.

Brown.

There, it's not too bad.

- You know, this whole business with your mother,

it's not healthy.

- If you're trying to bait me it's not going to work.

- I'm just saying, you're a grown man

living in your mother's basement.

Plus you just committed murder

and you're talking to a disembodied head.

- Stop, no.

I know exactly where this is going.

It's really easy to put people in neat little categories.

You know, I can put you in a category too.

- Disembodied head?

- You know exactly what I mean.

Nerd living in the basement of his mother's house.

I'm not gonna let you go there.

If you're trying to make me lose my temper

it's not gonna work.

We all make our choices in life

and I'm perfectly happy with mine.

Now hold on.

Not bad.

- Not bad?

You've got to be kidding.

What about my eyes?

- I don't know, just hold on.

- Are you just fucking around with me?

- Just hold on, just hold on.

- You're actually gonna leave me this way?

- There, that's pretty good.

It's not bad, it's okay for a first effort.

It's a fledgling killer's first--

- You don't even remember the line?

- It's a fledgling killer's first--

- It's Silence of the Lambs you dope.

It's one of the most famous movies ever.

- I know what it is.

- Believe me, you are no fucking Hannibal Lecter.

- Well you're no Jodie Foster, so right back at ya.

- You okay in there Max?

- Yeah mom I'm fine.

- Okie dokie.

You gonna want some lunch?

- In a bit.

Now, I want you to know something.

I admire you.

I think you're a beautiful person,

your eyes not withstanding.

But I'm an artist and this negative energy won't do.

So you have to stop the critique, seriously,

or I'll sew your mouth shut.

Anyway, I think it's a good first effort.

Really, you should be happy.

And I'll do better next time.

- Any last plea for compassion?

- You can't do this.

Life is too precious to be killed for sport.

- It's a cold cosmos.

- You need to have women around.

I've always found the female of the species

to be the greatest challenge.

- I'll do my best to keep you guessing.

- I'm going to release

the three of you simultaneously.

I'm going to give you hunting knives and an hour head start.

There's a temple on the far side of my island

containing high-powered laser guns.

If you can make it that far,

those weapons will give you more--

- Here's your tuna fish Max.

- Huh, oh, thanks mom.

- You're looking kind of blue Max.

- It's okay mom, it's just--

- What?

- They're disappearing.

We're losing 'em.

- Who's disappearing Max?

- All of them.

Look, 1987, 1978, 1980.

They don't even make VHS anymore.

This is Beta, I can't even watch it.

- Can't you copy it to something?

- Mom, you don't understand, you never understand.

- I'm sorry Max, I'm just trying to help.

- Mom, mom, come on, come on.

I know it doesn't seem like this much matters.

- Max, ever since your father, ever since he left,

you know that you've been the most important thing

in the world to me, right?

I would do anything for my Max.

You know that don't you, don't you?

- Sure mom.

- So if it matters to you,

you know that it matters to your mom, right?

So tell me, why is my Max so blue?

- It's not just the movies, it's the girls.

They're all getting older.

- Max, everybody gets older.

- It's all just fading away.

These movies, they mattered.

Don't you see?

And they're being forgotten.

And the girls, they were all so special

and they'll fade away too.

They'll all grow old and fade away.

And what about me?

- Max?

- This is my life.

This is all I have and it's dying.

I've gotta do something.

I've gotta find a way to create something.

Something tremendous.

Something that will live forever.

For them.

- How about that screenplay you were writing that--

- Mom, I never finished it!

It wasn't any good.

And that was like five years ago.

Mom, don't you see?

It's not about them, it's about me.

I'm fading away.

This is my whole life.

It's dying, it's just slipping away.

- Max, listen to me.

Mom believes in you.

No, no you listen to me.

Even if you don't know it, I do.

You're a special person.

I knew this from the time you were born.

There is greatness in you and you are gonna do great things.

No, don't you say a word.

You look around you.

In little rooms like these,

in little houses like these,

in places that nobody has ever heard of,

this is where great things begin.

I believe in you Max.

I'm gonna go upstairs right now and make you some brownies.

Nuts or no nuts?

- Nuts.

- Max, Max I have a package for you.

Max.

Max!

- Oh is that for me?

Fantastic, I've been waiting for these.

- Max, what are you doing?

- Mom, you were right.

You were right.

I know what I've gotta do now.

See, see.

- Uh-huh.

- But mom, I'm gonna need your help.

- Of course Max.

Whatever you need.

Max so, Brinke is a massage therapist now?

- Yes, she's a massage therapist, I told you.

Just get over here.

- Oh, yeah--

- See look, licensed massage therapist Brinke Stevens.

- Oh, wow.

She's through here?

- Yeah.

- Okay, I'll go first, alright?

- Yeah, open the door.

- Okay.

- Mmm, god yes.

Oh, it feels so good.

- How's that?

You've got a lot of tension in there.

- Oh my god I know.

- Who could that be?

Hello, hello out there?

I'm sorry, I usually lock the outside door

when I've got a client.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, who the hell are you?

- Hi, I'm Sister Quigley.

Have you been bathed in the blood of the lord?

Hi, I'm Sister Quigley.

Have you been bathed,

have you been bathed in the blood of the lord?

Bathed in the blood,

have you been bathed in the blood.

Fudge!

- Have some chips Sister Quigley?

- No thanks Brother Humphrey.

- Door to door getting you down?

- Well, I'm gonna have to say

some extra Bible verses tonight.

I've been having some very uncharitable thoughts

about some people.

- Have you been born again, son?

- Fuck off and die bleeders.

- Bless you son.

- You stop that!

- Let it go Sister Quigley.

They are lost, and we are found.

- Bless the lord.

- Max, are you sure that's her?

She doesn't look like her picture.

- Mom, that is from 1985.

- Oh, she's changed.

I guess we all have.

- We may have to wait until she's alone.

I don't want to screw up like we did with,

hold on.

Okay, come on.

Let's head her off.

- Good afternoon.

- Hi there.

- I'm Sister Quigley.

Have you been bathed in the blood of the lord?

- Sister Quigley, I've seen a bright gold light

that's shown me the way,

and I'm gonna share that light with you.

Mom!

- Should I shut the door?

- Yes!

Okay mom drive!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

- Put your seat belt on Max.

- Gosh, get off me, no!

- Hey Quigs.

- Brinke, what are you doing here?

And why are you wearing that?

And why am I wearing this?

And who the heck undressed me?

- Who do you think?

- Who are you and why are you naked?

- She was a client.

- Oh Brinke.

- What, I'm a massage therapist.

- Oh Brinke.

- What, I'm a licensed massage therapist.

- She was giving me a massage.

What are you suggesting?

- I think she should cover up.

- With what?

There's no sheets on the beds,

in case you didn't notice.

And I guess the crazy people upstairs

didn't give me a costume.

- Oh the man and that old woman.

- That's right, and we weren't the first.

- What?

- First, second.

- Thank you Julia, I'm sure she knows but--

- Actually, first, second, and third

because I was just--

- Julia, I understand what you're saying.

Now would you please shut the fuck up?

- Excuse me, what did you say?

- I'm trying to explain.

- Well don't use language like that when you're trying to--

- Look, Julia--

- Hey, Brinke, she's right.

You shouldn't use that kind of language.

- Quigs, what the flying fuck are you talking about?

Have you lost your god damn fucking mind?

- Okay Brinke.

First, I haven't lost my mind,

and it's Sister Quigley, not Quigs.

And second, I've been bathed in the blood of the lord.

And it's just a piece of advice, not a judgement.

- That's three, no four points, not two.

First, you haven't lost your mind.

Second, you're Sister Quigley.

Third--

- Thank you Julia.

- Holy shit, I feel like I'm the jam

between two nut pancakes.

We three, we three are not the first

that this has happened to.

Just watch.

- That's creepazoid.

- Tell me about it.

- God it's awful.

- There's some good things in it.

- I'm vegan.

I can't eat this, I'm vegan!

- Do you really think you're gonna get away with this?

People know we've disappeared.

- Have you been bathed in the blood of the lord?

Have you?

Have you been bathed in the blood of the lord?

- What does that even mean?

- Quigs, I mean Sister Quigley, watch what's coming up.

- That's Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity.

- I know I know.

- Another gem.

- Hey, there's a budget and a schedule.

- Is that Darcy?

- Yeah, it's Alien Abduction.

Just keep watching, it changes in a minute.

- I can't watch this again.

- Oh my god!

What is wrong with you?

Please, what is it with you people?

This wasn't even in the movie.

He looks ridiculous under that thing!

Please, please help me.

- Oh my gosh.

- Is it over yet?

- Yeah, it's over.

- Is that real?

Did they really kidnap her?

- They kidnapped us.

- Maybe it was some sort of backyard movie thing

she starred in.

- Linnea, if they'd let her go

she would have gone straight to the police.

- What the?

Okay fan boy, so what's the big deal?

What's this all about?

How many people do you think you're gonna be able to kidnap

before you get caught?

Just what the hell are you planning?

Holy shit!

I don't believe it, this isn't real!

Jesus, Darcy.

What the,

oh come on.

- I know, it would be better if it was night

but I just couldn't get it to work.

- Are you actually going to do this?

- When I untie you I'm gonna give you 30 seconds,

then I'm gonna come after you.

- 30 seconds?

30 seconds?

Isn't it supposed to be 30 minutes?

- This is an artistic recreation.

Besides, I only have four acres here

and I've never actually hunted before.

- Wait, in the movie, if I stay alive

until morning, or whatever,

I get my freedom.

So, what's the deal?

- The deal is, start running.

- Are you out of your fucking mind?

Bastard!

- Everything okay Max?

- Yeah, everything's okay mom.

Let's get her into the van.

Eyes brown.

- The whole thing is ridiculous.

You are simply ridiculous.

- That's okay, it's not about me.

I'm not an actor.

I wasn't trying to do an imitation of Zed.

- You were dressed up like him.

- We were dressed up like that to reference the scene,

not to replicate it.

Okay, it's performance art.

It's about transformation.

I'm not some fan boy.

This isn't some ultimate cosplay trip.

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

- I'm creating art!

I just gotta get these fucking eyes right.

- And that's when I just burst into tears

and I let Jesus into my heart and into my soul.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Of course.

- Do you think if I got a running start

and just slammed my head into the wall,

I might be able to knock myself unconscious?

- I'm sorry?

- It's just that, over the last few hours

while you've been talking,

I've been thinking about it.

Like if I just brace myself against these bars

and kinda got a running leap, you know,

and then just bam!

You know what I mean?

Just fucking bam!

Slammed my head into the wall.

Do you think I might be able to knock myself out?

- I don't know what in the world you're talking about.

- What I'm trying to say is the fact

that I'm locked inside a jail cell

within listening distance of you

doesn't give you the right to talk to me.

I'm not interested.

I don't believe in your crazy bullshit,

and I don't care.

- Are you an atheist.

- No, you're a pest.

- Can I ask you a question?

- No.

- Are you happy?

- Am I happy?

Well Linnea, let's review.

I go to give myself a little treat, a massage.

Next thing you know, I'm kidnapped

by a couple of bloodthirsty maniacs.

Locked naked in a fucking dungeon,

whose toilet facilities consist of a bucket.

Chances are I'm gonna be murdered in the near future.

On top of which, there's you.

- I brought you a tuna fish sandwich Max.

- Oh thanks mom.

What do you think?

- Oh, I like her a lot.

Smile's very nice.

- Yeah, I thought so too.

I think she came out really good.

- We going out again today?

- I think so, maybe after lunch if you're not busy?

- No, just give me a little warning.

- Okay.

Mom, please.

- Okay, okay, after lunch.

- Hey Max, you know just because I'm smiling

it doesn't mean I'm happy.

- At least your eyes are okay.

I look like some sort of god knows what.

- No offense, but you look like I feel.

- You know ladies, there's a school of thought

that your internal state is a reflection

of your external state.

So, if you smile and laugh and act happy on the outside,

you'll start to feel happy on the inside.

- Does that apply to disembodied heads

whose smiles have been stitched in place?

- Why not?

Besides, what do you have to be unhappy about?

- Here you go, a guava cantelope strawberry smoothie.

That'll be $6.50.

Would you like an autographed picture?

- Hmm?

- An autographed picture.

Or I've got some posters.

- No, is it $6.50?

- Yeah.

- Okay, so,

31,

32,

33,

48--

- Okay, that's fine, thanks.

- Can I get an extra straw please?

- Come again!

- I'm from out of town.

- This is it.

- Okay.

- Stay close to me.

- I'm right behind you Max.

- Make sure you get the shot.

- Hi, I'm Michelle, this is my Fruit-y Juice Bar,

what can I do for you?

- Hi Michelle.

- Somebody, help me!

Somebody help me!

Get me out of here!

Get me out!

Get me out of here!

Get me the fuck out of here!

Somebody help me!

Help, help!

- You know, these walls are sound proof.

Even the crazy people upstairs can't hear you,

let alone anyone else.

But hey, it might make great footage, see.

Everything is being recorded.

Think about that when you go to use the facilities.

- Okay, just stay centered.

Stay centered.

- Michelle, remember the lord is with us even here.

- What?

What's up with you Quigs?

- It's Sister Quigley.

About a year ago, I was in a very dark, dark place.

- Don't ask her, she'll tell you.

- And then I saw the light.

- No stop, no god!

Okay, let's make this short.

Crazy guy upstairs and his mom

have been kidnapping women like you.

- I beg your pardon.

- Women like you, like women in these stupid movies,

and they've been taking them one by one and killing them.

- Excuse me?

- What word didn't you understand?

The footage will play any time now.

He's already done it twice.

I'm guessing that you two are next on the menu.

I was kidnapped, so who the fuck knows what he plans on--

- Stop cussing!

- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

What are you my mother?

- There's gotta be some way outta here.

- Like what?

- I don't know.

- Do you happen to have a hacksaw or something?

- What am I wearing?

- Oh, that's SOP.

Everyone gets a change of clothing except for yours truly.

- And what's this?

What's with the ponytail?

They're not even following the movie.

- They are taking a very liberal interpretation

of the source material and the costumes.

- What do you mean?

- The killings.

- Bastard!

- I think it's time for us to pray now.

- Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

- Linnea's turn.

- Linny!

What's going on?

Linny!

Oh no, where'd they go?

- Open your eyes.

Are you afraid?

There's something I want you to see.

Please, open your eyes.

Now look up, go on, look up.

- Christ Jesus, give us the power to walk

through the darkness.

- Can we talk for a minute?

- Give us the strength to make us strong.

Give us--

- Linnea, I need you to cooperate,

otherwise I'm gonna have to gag you

and I don't wanna do that.

- Go on.

- Thank you.

Now, in a little while we're gonna leave here

and we're gonna go to an alternate place and time.

A narrative landscape I'm sure you'll recognize.

And we're gonna explore that landscape together.

- No.

- I'm afraid you don't have any choice.

- Yes I do, I have a choice.

I don't know what's driving you to do this,

but I can help you.

I can pray for you.

I can pray with you,

but I will not cooperate in this sick game you're playing.

I just won't.

Especially if I'm gonna die at the end.

I choose not to play.

So why don't you just kill me because I choose not to play.

Kill me!

- Linnea, I really don't wanna do this,

and I'm sure you don't want me to either.

- Today we'll find out who we really are.

- If I put you through this and you agree in the end

you'll regret not saying yes now,

so please say yes.

Say yes to what I'm asking!

Please say yes!

Please say you'll do what I'm asking you to do!

- No, god forgives you!

- I wanna show you something.

Mom, okay mom, go ahead.

- Max, Max you want me to go ahead?

- Yeah, go ahead, just be careful.

- Okay, Max.

- It's acid.

- Max, I've already told you

you can do whatever you want to me.

- Yeah I know, that's not for you.

Mom.

- Okay, Max.

- Max, please.

- Look!

When the counter reaches zero, the acid will fall.

Unless you find her first.

- What if I find her, what will happen to her?

- When the counter reaches zero,

the acid will fall on Julia's face,

unless you find her first.

- No, no.

- That's all there is Linnea.

- Max, don't do it, don't.

Max, where are you?

Where are you?

No, Julia.

Max, where are you?

You can't.

Julia, Julia, Julia.

Julia, Julia.

Max.

You motherfucking son of a bitch!

What?

Julia, oh my god.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

- How you doing Quigs?

- I'd rather not talk about it.

- I like yours, the hair's nice.

- It wasn't my decision.

- I think it looks nice, if I do say so myself.

It's classic Quigley.

- Come on Quigs.

- Please, can you all just--

- You're not still going on about that whole

Sister Quigley thing?

- Sister Quigley, what's up with that?

- Linnea found Jesus.

- You're kidding me?

How could that happen?

- You see Darcy, around a year ago

I was in a very dark place.

- As opposed to where we all are now?

- Brinke, can I please talk?

- Go ahead and testify Sister.

It's not like there's anything else to do.

- Anyway, I think of myself

as a very spiritual person.

How about you Max?

- Oh don't mind me girls.

You all just talk amongst yourselves.

I've got work to do.

- Okay folks, listen up.

Elderly priests, possessed males early 20s,

thank you for coming.

Right now, we are just looking for--

- Moms in their 30s.

- Moms in their 30s now, moms in their 30s.

Everyone else, thank you for coming.

Leave your head shots on the front desk on your way out.

Just moms in your 30s now.

Thank you for coming.

That's you too sir.

- OMG.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Oh hey Jean Louise.

- Oh, hey Robin Sydney.

Good to see you.

It's always so good to see you.

- Hey Amy.

- Hey Jessica.

- Know anything about this piece of shit?

- Get thee behind me Satan.

- So it's like Paranormal Activity part 12?

Is that the deal?

- Sounds like it.

- Yeah.

- Honey, what millennium is this?

There's no smoking here.

It's the law.

- And by the way, this piece of shit

isn't Paranormal Activity 12, thank you very much.

- Well it sure as hell ain't Gone With the Wind.

- Who the fuck was that?

- Oh, that was Stuart Gordon, the director.

- Stuart Gordon, he's the?

Holy fuck.

- Get thee behind me Jess.

- Denice?

Denice Duff?

- Jackie, Jackie Lovell right?

- Yeah hey, how ya doing?

- Yeah.

Wait hold on, I have another call, hold on.

Yeah, yeah, yes.

- So, how ya doing?

- I'm doing okay, you know,

just making the rounds.

I just did a CSI.

- Nice, yeah me too.

So you going out for this mom in her 30s thing?

- Yeah, yeah I still play 30s.

- Great, great, that gives hope to us all.

- Get thee behind me Satan.

Get thee behind me Satan.

Get thee behind me Satan.

- Get thee behind me Satan.

It's an acting choice.

- Hi, Stuart, this is Jean Louise O'sullivan.

- Hello Stuart.

- Any questions?

- Just have her read.

- Whenever you're ready.

- Okay, alright.

Get thee behind me Satan!

- I was wondering, do they have any Splenda here?

This coffee tastes like somebody pissed in it.

- I'll have someone check on that for you, Stuart.

- Please, thank you.

- No problem.

- Get behind me Satan.

- It's get thee behind me Satan.

- Oh, you want the exact line, I was just sort of--

- It's get thee behind me Satan.

- Okay, right.

Get thee, get thee behind me Satan.

- Thank you, that was terrific.

Wasn't that good Stuart?

Stuart, Stuart.

- Cut, cut, cut print!

- It's Amy Pathrath?

- It's Amy Pafrath?

- I'm sorry, Rafpath?

- No, Pafrath?

- Rafpaf.

- Pafrath.

Please, just go on.

- Thank you, I loved Re-animator.

- Please, just read.

- Okay, get thee,

I'm sorry, let me just take that again.

Get me behind thee Satan.

- Get thee behind me Santa.

- Anytime.

- Get thee behind me Satan.

- Do you think she's had work done?

- I think so, major, no?

- Yeah, it looks like.

- Get thee behind me--

- Thank you.

- Oh okay, I can do it different.

- No we're fine, thanks.

- Right, right, I got ya.

Nice seeing you.

- So, how'd it go?

- Oh great, you?

- Pretty good, I think I got a--

- We'll be calling your agent soon.

- Super, super, I'm so excited, OMG.

This is amazing.

- Robin, oh, it's gonna be a pleasure working with you.

You really know how to project.

- Super, wait what does that mean?

- We'll explain everything later.

- Yeah, let's get a little lunch.

I've got a table at the Palm all ready.

- Wow.

- She won't age well.

- Not with those boobs.

- Fuckin' A.

- I'm gonna find some place in this fucking city

where I can smoke this.

- Waste of time.

- Stupid script.

- So you wanna go get some coffee?

- Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, you know what, I can't.

Looks like I just got another audition.

- Oh, great, where at?

- You know, I gotta run.

Maybe some other time.

- Hi, I'm here for the audition.

- Yes.

- Denice Duff.

- Yes.

- Are there any sides for me?

Script pages.

What I'll be reading.

- No, it's improvised.

You can go in.

- Okay.

- Hi, I'm Jacqueline Lovell.

- Yes, there aren't any sides, it's improvised.

Go on in.

- Oh, okay, thanks.

- Jacqueline Lovell?

- Yes.

- I'm Max, how are you?

- I'm fine, you're--

- I'm the director.

- Oh great, nice to meet you.

- So has anybody told you anything about the project?

- No, I just got a text and--

- You know, it's better that way

because what we're trying to do is,

well anyway we're doing an indie project

so we're looking for people who

have experience doing improv.

- Oh yeah, I've done lots of improv.

Yeah, here and there, lots of places.

- Oh great.

Basically, we're trying to capture a performance art piece,

so it's gonna be really a fusion of cinema and performance.

- Mmm, sounds great.

- If you don't mind, if you're up for it,

I'd like to just kinda throw you

into the deep end of the pool here

and just have you do a little improv,

just see where it goes.

- Okay, just you and me?

- To start with, how about this?

- Woah is this a--

- That's just my assistant.

She's just helping out.

- Oh, okay cool.

- Oh right, so this is someone you were really close to

but you've been estranged for many years,

and you just found out they died.

So, whenever you're ready.

- Okay, just do you you want it any particular way?

Funny, serious--

- Just what feels real to you.

Whenever you're ready.

- You fucking cunt!

Why didn't you die 20 fucking years ago?

What do you think I came here for?

To cry over your fucking body?

Fuck you for all the hell you put us through!

You put mom in an early fucking grave

because of all your selfish bullshit!

All the me, me, me.

Can you hear me down in hell you worthless bitch?

If I could have given my little finger to save you,

I wouldn't have.

This is for you!

And I can do funny too if you want.

- No no, that was great.

You made a lot of really good choices.

Mom!

What'd you think?

- I liked the other one better.

She didn't swear so much and it was sort of sadder.

- It's just an acting choice.

They were both really good.

Right, we better get 'em to the van.

- I'm sorry mom.

I'm so sorry, I knew that I should've come back.

I should've answered your letters but I couldn't.

I just couldn't, I couldn't face you.

I just knew that if you saw me you would

have something to say and to judge

and I wasn't ready for that.

I was confused and I knew that you wouldn't understand.

- Michelle?

Michelle Bauer?

- Hey Jackie, how ya doing?

- Hey Jackie.

- Denice, what the fuck is going on?

- We've all been kidnapped.

There were four others before us,

and they're dead now.

- What's with the--

- But it was a fight for me, it was such a fight.

I couldn't live your life,

and I knew that you would never understand.

You never knew what it was like to grow up

knowing that your mother never loved you.

- So what, you had an abortion?

In the improv I mean.

- Jackie.

I'm still trying mom.

I couldn't do what you did mom.

I couldn't throw my life away raising a child I didn't want.

I had to end it.

- Bingo.

- Well it wasn't supposed to be a surprise, alright?

It's not like it was a punchline.

That's not how improv works.

- I'm betting that stun gun was kind of a surprise.

- I know how improv works Denice.

It was fine, it was a little--

- A little what?

- A little first choicey, but that can work.

- Yeah, actually, and I thought it worked really well.

- Sure, for what it was it was fine.

- Excuse me.

- One of the principles of improv is you don't judge, right?

You just go out and you just--

- Thanks Denice, I actually understand

the principles of improv.

The idea is you're not supposed to judge one another

during the improv,

but we're not in an improv here Denice.

This is not an improv.

- Excuse me, did either one of you catch

what I was just saying?

There were four others before us and they're dead now.

- See, I know that this isn't an improv.

- You see Denice, this is real life.

Wait, what do you mean dead?

And why are we dressed like this?

- Well, you know those two people that you met

when you were kidnapped.

Well that's Max.

He's some kind of crazy, lunatic fan.

And the other one is his mom.

And in case you're wondering where he's getting

this crazy lunatic stuff from,

well that would be mom.

And they're kidnapping scream queens and they're--

- Actually, I'm not actually a scream queen,

'cause I've done a lot of other things.

I've done some prime time stuff, and the network--

- Denice, may I please finish, please.

- Okay.

- Thank you, okay.

There were three others before us,

I mean well four if you want to count the girl

that they sort of kidnapped by accident, okay?

And he made them reenact scenes from their old movies,

but they're his fucked up, weird versions

of those scenes anyway.

And then, he killed them.

- What?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Jackie, would I kid you about something like that?

Okay, this is how it goes.

He plays the movies that he plans on using.

The old movies, the originals.

And then the lights just go out

and whoever he's chosen just disappears

and then afterwards it's--

- Afterwards what?

- Well, do you see those cameras?

He records everything.

Us being captured,

and he's recording us right now.

He records the killings.

It's like he's trying to remake the original version

or something,

except it's for real.

Then he projects it up there.

We get to watch it over and over.

Darcy DeMoss,

Brinke Stevens,

Linnea Quigley,

and that girl that they kidnapped by accident.

They killed her too.

And now it's us.

- Screw that!

- Okay, hold on, hold on,

I never actually died in any of my films.

- What do you mean?

Weren't you some kind of vampire?

How can you be a vampire and not die?

- He doesn't really care.

- I know it's kind of vague, but you see yes,

I am a vampire,

but it was never really clear

whether I was actually dead or alive,

but I made the choice to play it

as though I was halfway alive but under a curse,

so technically I could return back

to the world of the living.

- Come to think of it,

I don't think I was killed in any of my movies either.

- I don't think that Max is much of a stickler

for the details of the original.

- Oh, hey, there I am.

- You belong to me now pretty one.

- Oh hey, I was in that castle too.

- Oh really, for what?

- Ugh, I'm trying to remember.

- 'Cause you know, they actually made those sets

for our movies.

For the Subspecies movies.

- I was sort of half topless in some hot pants,

little monsters running around,

you know, the usual thing.

- I guess it pays the bills.

- Well god knows it's no Young and the Restless.

- Yeah, that's for sure.

- Oh hey, that's one of mine.

Motive, no, no, not at all.

I just wanna be yours forever.

- Well, Loretta, you are--

- What is that?

- That's Head of the Family, you ever seen it?

- No, something tells me I would've remembered that.

- But I can see that you're doing very well.

- Eh, it's kind of a cult classic.

- Alright, if you say so.

- What do you mean by that?

- By what?

- You said if I say so.

I mean, what's that supposed to mean?

You think I made it up?

- Oh no, no, no, no,

I'm just saying if that's what you say it means

then that's what it must mean.

- But that's not what people mean when you say

if you say so.

It's implying some kind of doubt.

- Okay no, I'm not saying that you're lying,

I'm just it's--

- Just what?

- Okay well, it's just it's fascinating to me

what becomes what you would call a cult classic.

- What do you mean what I would call?

- Alright I stand corrected,

what one would say is a cult classic.

- You haven't even seen the fucking movie.

- Actually, and perhaps you are right,

to point out that my doubts to its artistic merits

might possibly be based on insufficient information.

Forgive me.

- You know, whenever you gals are ready for me to brief you

on the real killers just right upstairs,

I would be happy to.

- You know Denice, you have a real fucking attitude problem.

- Ugh, I have an attitude problem?

I just think that there are some projection issues going on.

- Oh, whatever happened to not judging, huh?

I mean, I've seen some of those Subspecies things,

I mean, what do you think it is,

Last Year at the fucking Merienbad?

It's blood, tits, and fucking little monsters

running around, just like what I did.

So get over yourself.

- Those were deeply emotional Gothic romances

with fantastic production value.

They were beautiful looking and heartfelt stories,

and that's why people responded to them.

- Blood, tits, little monsters.

- Okay, alright, so my movies and your movies

you think are the same.

Okay, let me ask you something.

How many sequels have you done for your films?

Let me see--

- Go fuck yourself Denice.

- Zero.

- What the hell is this?

- It's another one of your movies, right?

- No, it's one of mine.

- Oh, it's pretty good.

- Yeah, nice job Michelle.

- Thanks, it was a cult classic.

Oh no.

Max?

Max, where are you?

Max?

No, the lights, turn them on!

Listen to me, Max listen please!

No, no, no Max no!

- Okay baby.

- What are you doing Jackie?

- Getting the hell outta here.

- But they're watching us!

- Are they?

I'm betting they're off doing

whatever they're doing to Michelle,

and that means nobody's watching anybody.

- What's that for?

- I'm trying to pop open this padlock.

- You look like you've done that before.

Hurry, hurry!

That's it!

Wait stop, you've gotta get me,

because if they come back and you're not here

they'll kill me.

Please, you're really good at improv.

- Fine, okay.

It's fucking metal.

We're not getting out this way.

- No, I think it's broken!

Oh please.

No, hold on, no wait a minute, just wait a minute.

I don't know what to say,

I just don't want you to kill me.

I don't understand any of this.

Don't do this, don't do this,

stay away from me, stay away from me.

Stay away, stay away.

I don't wanna be in your fucking movie!

- I pain of your mortality fleshling.

It's the source of all your pain.

- What do you think happened to Michelle?

- How the fuck should I know Denice?

- Well how long do you think it's been since they took her?

- Denice, do you think I have some sort of mental ability

to keep track of time that normal human beings don't have?

- We were both there.

So however long it's been, that's how long it was, Jesus.

- Do you think we can save her?

- No, nothing against Michelle but,

I'd call it a win if we could just save us.

- I just keep thinking about

what they might be doing to her.

- Fucking thing doesn't work.

And all this will get you dead.

- I just can't imagine

what they're doing to her right now.

- Yeah, well the thing is,

the longer they're doing whatever it is to Michelle,

the longer we have to get this fucking thing open.

- I would help you, except I have carpal tunnel.

- Yeah, it's fine Denice.

- I've had it for a few years, autographs and stuff.

I can barely even move these two fingers.

- Sounds bad Denice.

Motherfucker!

- What if you tried from the other end?

- Maybe you should just--

- Okay, alright, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to help.

- Thanks Denice.

- I was considering surgery,

but that's kind of a bold move.

- What?

- For the carpal tunnel.

- I really don't see what you're complaining about.

- Really, you don't?

Do you have any idea what you're doing?

What you're putting us through?

- Of course.

- And you don't have a problem with that?

You think all of this is normal, that it's okay?

- Well I wouldn't go so far as to say normal,

but look at history.

History's not made up of normal.

History's made up of the great.

Great sacrifice, great suffering, great people.

- And you think you're--

- Hold on a second Michelle, I gotta fix your mouth,

it's not straight.

Just a sec.

Just a sec.

- 'Cause I don't think you're--

- There, that's better.

- I was saying if you think

that you're great because of what--

- I'm not saying that.

- Well, I have to tell you--

- Sorry, sorry, if I could just get a word in

I'd appreciate it.

I'm not saying I'm great.

Striving for greatness.

The point is--

- What?

- The point is I saw some people

that I cared about very much,

and they were being forgotten,

and I decided I wanted to do something about it.

- People being forgotten?

- And if that meant that I was remembered also,

well maybe that's just my ego too.

But it wasn't ever about me.

- What people?

What are you talking about?

- You, you and the others, in the movies.

You were being forgotten, don't you understand?

Michelle, I don't believe what the priests say

about life eternal.

We all die.

But we're not all immortal, only the special ones.

And now you and the girls, you'll live forever.

You'll never be forgotten.

People will remember this.

People will remember what happened to you for all of time,

thanks to me.

Thanks to me.

- Jackie.

- What?

- What do you see?

- Just more fucking ventilation shaft.

- I don't like this.

- Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it?

- Just seems like we've been crawling

for a really long time.

- Yes, yes Denice it does.

- Seems like this ventilation shaft

is enormously fucking longer than could possibly fit

under any normal house in the entire fucking universe.

Happy?

What the fuck do you want me to do about it?

- Seriously Jackie?

I don't know what I did to deserve all of this hostility?

You know, I just asked a simple question,

and then I get these barrage of profanity and hostility,

I mean, what did I say, what did I do, you know?

Clearly I'm not as good at this as you,

breaking out of jail cells and stuff like that,

but it doesn't make me a bad person.

- I never said you were a bad person.

- No but you just--

- Okay Denice, I'm sorry, okay?

You haven't done anything wrong.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?

This hasn't been the greatest day for me either.

So let's just chalk it up to that, alright?

So we can keep on moving.

Keep on trucking along.

Come on, gung ho.

- You see Max, around a year ago,

I was in a very dark place.

- Oh, do tell Linnea.

- Booze, drugs, casual sex,

swinging both ways, it-ism, socialism, the whole deal.

I didn't realize it,

but I had a god-shaped hole in my heart.

- What kind of hole in your where?

- A god-shaped hole in my heart, Michelle.

- Pardon me for a second girls.

- Hey there Max.

- Are they in the vent yet?

- Yes Max.

- You sure you want to do two at once?

- Yes, we took them together,

I think it's right that they go together as well.

We can handle it.

- Alright, they're ready anytime you are.

- Okay, I'll just finish eating.

- You want some pudding for dessert?

- Yeah sure.

- I'll go get it.

- Mom, please.

- You killed my friends.

- I don't know, she still treats me like I'm 10 years old.

- You really think that's the problem

with your relationship Max?

That you're too old for your mom to hug?

How about the fact that she helps you commit murder?

- Seriously Max, it's not healthy.

- I appreciate your thoughts on this ladies,

but I'm not gonna pursue that line of conversation

'cause I have to get ready for Jacqueline and Denice.

- What about your pudding?

- Oh, it comes in a plastic cup.

I can take it along, but thanks for your concern Brinke.

- Denice, I'm sorry for what I said

about your vampire movie and your soap opera.

I think you're a very talented actress.

- Thank you Jackie.

- And?

- I'm sorry?

- And, and?

- And I accept your apology.

- Fucking

- What?

- Nothing Denice, nothing.

Hey, hold on, there's something there I think.

It's the end, it's blocked.

There's no way out.

- Oh my god, what are we gonna do now?

- It's not working.

- They're in position mom, are you ready?

- I'm all ready Max.

- Okay mom, let's go.

- There's no way through Denice.

We're gonna have to go back.

- We can't go back, we can't get through there.

- Well we can't get out this way.

We'll just try the door again.

Get moving!

This is all your fucking fault.

- My fault?

What do you mean it's my fault?

- Well, this isn't from one of my fucking movies.

This is like buried alive vampire cult bullshit.

- You're nuts, what are you talking about?

You're the one that saw the vent.

It was your idea.

- Alright, listen up,

you stay the hell away from me or I'm gonna,

God damn fucking shit.

- What's going on?

Jackie, Jackie can you hear me?

Somebody, what's going on?

Can anybody hear me?

Please.

Oh god no.

- Oh fuck.

You!

Jesus Christ, you stay the hell away from me.

Are you completely fucking crazy?

Are you really gonna start a fire in this fucking place?

Wherever the hell we are.

You'll burn yourself down along with me.

- No, fire would be too dangerous,

that's why we've wired this thing up.

We're gonna electrocute you instead.

That's sort of like burning, ain't it?

- Get the fuck away from me.

If I could get my hands on the motherfucker

who wrote that fucking script,

I'd kill that bastard!

- No.

Stop that, don't do that.

- Here you sadistic fucking bitch.

You are a bad fucking mom!

- What the?

Oh fuck.

Max?

Max, are you in there?

What did you do to my teeth?

Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

- How 'bout that Max, how 'bout that?

Die you cock-sucking bastard.

- Thank god.

- Thank god?

Thank me bitch.

Help me with this!

What am I, your fucking understudy?

- What is it with all this hostility?

Jackie, why are you always--

- What the hell's wrong with your voice?

- It's my teeth.

He Krazy Glued them in I think.

- Jesus Denice, that's terrible.

- Just help me.

- Alright, alright, I'm sorry about your teeth.

- Oh god, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie!

- What?

- Max, Max are you okay?

Max, are you okay Max?

- Oh god.

- Yeah, are we still shooting?

- Yeah Max.

- You guys hey, hey okay look,

it wasn't supposed to end this way, okay?

No, please.

Look, I never died in any of my films, please.

Oh god no!

- I don't know what

you're complaining about Denice,

I think you look very romantic.

- Why don't you go fuck yourself Jackie.

- What's up with you two?

- Seriously, are we going to

have to keep listening to this?

- Easy for you to say.

Your mouth isn't stuck open.

- Hey Denice, we all have our crosses to bear.

Sorry Sister Quigley.

- No problem.

- Sister Quigley, what's that about.

- Oh no, no, please, don't get her started.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Fine, no problem.

But if either of you two want the comfort of our lord--

- No, stop, they don't, stop!

- Hey Max, what are you doing there anyway?

- Me, oh this?

- What the hell?

- It's not just Linnea of course.

I've got all of you.

I made life mask from your,

well technically you weren't alive,

but anyway now we can share what we've been through

with the world.

Seriously, I mean, who wouldn't want this on his wall?

The whole set.

I'm so excited about it.

- I don't get it.

I don't understand any of it.

- Me either.

- What don't you understand?

We all wannna hold on to what we love,

and to share it,

and for it to go on forever.

That's all I ever wanted for you girls.

For you to go on forever,

just the way I remember you.

Just the way I've always loved you.

And now you will.

Sort of.

- Max.

I'm making some brownies.

- Okay mom.

- Nuts or no nuts?

- Nuts, mom, nuts.

- What the fuck?

- I don't wanna be in your fucking movie!