Original subtitles

The mini-break is nothing less than complete submission to

ungovernable chaos!

For once you leave the house how the flip can

a cat be expected to find food, shelter and adequate entertainment?

In short, once you leave the borders,

how in heck can you locate the good shizz?

But do not get sore bent out of shape, for I,

the continuing catastrophe claiming to be Richard Ayoade,

am here to make your short-haul holiday game the stuff of

dreams that could one day become anecdotes!

I, whilst saddled with some of the most available people

in the world of entertainment,

am going to savagely barrel you through a multi-packed mini-break.

Whoa!

This is travel without mercy.

Tonight, 48 hours in Miami,

a city that defies science by calling itself magic.

15.5 mil cats a year flock to this pastel patch

for its toasty temps, dynamite Deco,

and quite possibly its beaches as well - people like those.

'And for tonight's performance, the part of Crockett to my tubby Tubbs

'will be played by comedic colossus Rhod Gilbert.

'Together we will shovel shellfish...'

Mmm!

I've never been so utterly consumed by a meal. Who's consuming who?

'..gawp at gators...'

That is not a friend of mine.

'..and take it to the table.'

We just caused a Cuban domino crisis.

We're here, but should we have come? Question mark.

Punctuation's implied.

What am I going to do, add a comma after "we're here"? Sorry.

'Miami is the cruise-ship capital of the world,

'so those with oodle levels of time can hit the drink.

'But since we're trying to get this shizz done quick-fast,

'we climb into the clouds.

'And while the frugal could forge a 48-hour Floridian frolic

for under 1K per pers...'

You've settled into the life, haven't you? Certainly have. Look at you.

'..I will not let anything as vulgar as money influence our itinerary.'

48 hours, Miami is a stupidly long way to go. Why, Richard? Why?

Well, let's cut to this montage underpinned by

a monologue by way of an answer.

In 1896, landowner Julia Tuttle persuaded

a railroad baron to lay a line to Miami,

making this, at time of recording,

the only major American city founded by a woman.

Greater Miami is the largest conurbation in Florida.

It has the 131st-best drivers in America.

This is the second-most-friendly city for people with facial hair.

Floridian firsts include air conditioning,

sunscreen and my one-time ally, Gatorade.

Miami Beach's beach is man-made and, tragically, near a sea,

which won't quit washing it away.

In the last year over a quarter of a million tonnes of sand

have been shoved down to shore shizz up.

Miami Beach is one of the best places in the inhabited world

for Art Deco architecture, like our chosen quarters, the Raleigh,

images of which have been recorded especially for the show.

Here. This was a bad idea for a rental. I've got full whiplash.

Designed by Miami architect L Murray Dixon in 1940,

the Raleigh is now part of the portfolio of Tommy "Hilfinger",

a man who makes money from selling clothes.

Hello, how are you? Hello.

Welcome to the Raleigh. How was everything coming in?

Fine, apart from I have terrible whiplash.

Hope the beds are very comfortable. They are.

If you've got a neck injury. I was driving, like, 3mph.

Unbelievable.

Famous former guests include Muhammad Ali, Madonna and

Kate Moss, all of whom probably had to travel for work.

I've just heard it's Hilfiger.

The Raleigh's pool was proclaimed the most beautiful in America

in 1947 by someone or other.

Thank you very much.

But I, for one, will not be lured into lounging.

What you doing? Come on. We're due on the boat.

Let it go.

Pausing only to pick up some backup hats and become more visibly

sweaty, we head to the harbour.

I've gone for a yacht-rock look.

Mike. You guys ready to go? Yes, thank you.

Skipper Mike takes visitors on a 90-min motor around Miami.

But, and I feel it's my duty to warn you in advance,

he does sometimes use the word "sexy".

Though with these head turns, who the heck can blame the guy?

So where are we now, Mike? This is downtown Miami.

This is the sexiest place on the planet.

People come here to have a good time, let loose and have fun.

Sounds like hell.

Miami's deep-water harbour stations many of the world's utterly

pointless yachts.

If I wanted to put an offer in for this boat, what would I have

to start the bidding at? Pretty safely it'd be over $100 million.

$100 million.

Owners of yachts like that

actually pay around $50,000 per night to be parked there.

50 grand a night parking? That is galling.

Can you do that by text or do you have to have the change?

Our thought stomachs duly fed,

we throttle on to check some of the land-based success

on one of Miami's multitude of man-made islands,

and I use the word "people" twice in a sentence.

Are the people happy with people just looking into their houses

from the vantage point of a boat?

You buy a house on an island, it's called Star Island,

people are probably going to be coming by your house.

To be honest, I feel like they're invading OUR privacy.

I feel a bit observed here.

This is the biggest property on Star Island.

Each one of these palm trees cost ?10,000. Shut the door!

No! These are South African date palms.

They all stop growing at the same height and he wanted this effect.

You're out of your mind.

He paid ten grand to get palm trees that grow to the same height?

You could cut them all uniform.

Whose house is this, Mike?

This white one used to belong to Julio Iglesias.

Look at the state of those palm trees.

Sort your palm trees out, mate! I'm embarrassed for you.

This is the house of P Diddy, ladies and gentlemen.

Normally when the cushions are out, that's how we know Diddy's in town.

Did he put the cushions out, or did he. ask somebody else to put the cushions out?

Did Diddy done it, or was it somebody else that done it and then Diddy thanked him for it?

I can see you in a house like that. Yes.

Breaking in, trying to take what I can under cover of night.

But before we have the chance to contact a bagman,

hunger forces us ashore.

Joe's.

Second-most-profitable independent restaurant in America.

36.8 mil in 2016. Wow. Billy Joel's eaten here. Let's do the same.

Joe's is a Miami mainstay and a statistician's solace.

This is nice. Nice and vibey.

And this monument to munch is built upon one dish.

The claws of the locally caught stone crab.

We get the crab, we remove both claws from the crab,

we throw crab back into the ocean.

It's able to regenerate within 18 months.

They don't regenerate, really. They do.

You've just got your claws back, 18 months, you get caught again.

Yeah. You go, "Oh, f..."

"18 ruddy months to get this thing back. Bloody Joe!

"He's back!"

'Sadly, the sparky impro

'was brutally truncated by a slab of slaw.'

This is even better than the one at Pizza Hut.

'As an impenetrable barrier to grease is tied around

'my bulging torso, the bantz flows like ginger ale.'

When was the last time you wore a bib? This morning.

My tooth bib.

There's too much of a social stigma against bibs.

These are normal, sensible precautions, but a lot of people are too shy to take them.

Oh... I pick this up...manually? You pick this up with your hands.

Mano to mano. I'm taking this off. And then you wiggle...

Ooh, it's tough.

Yes! Oh, perfect, you got it. A crab-meat lollipop.

Cheers.

Close? Quite close.

It's excellent. Your eyes lit up in a way that they rarely...

You genuinely enjoyed that. That's excellent.

Sauce.

In. Oh! There's the eyes. There's the eyes. Cheeky.

I'm going in again. Ooh!

There it is again. It's continually surprising.

I've never experienced sea meat like this.

If I had arms this tasty I'd regenerate them as well.

You're surprised they don't eat themselves.

'Like the trash we are, we begin our undignified demolition.'

It's like we've never been fed.

We're eating like a scene out of Brewster's Millions when he's just won.

"This is free?"

I've never been so utterly consumed by a meal.

Who's consuming who? It's unbelievable.

Wow.

Mmm.

We now know why Billy Joel wrote all those up-tempo songs.

How was the meal? I'm very happy. It was amazing. And he's never happy.

Yeah. And I can barely make it through life.

Untie me, Orlando. Untie me. Yeah.

If I could kiss you without an incident, I would. Go for it.

Peck.

It was a pleasure. Thank you.

'Bloated beyond description,

'I request Rhod join me in a waddle to the cultural quarter.'

This is Wynwood. This is the art district. Like Stevie Winwood? Yes.

It's got nothing to do with Traffic.

Although there is a lot.

Eight miles of murals. Over 70 galleries.

Eight miles of murals? Hipster district.

'Once a rundown industrial district,

'Wynwood has been revivified by the gust of art.'

Are any of the houses along here just a simple pebbledash or

a nice cement front? There's no mock Tudor. It's very... It's very hip.

Let's go in.

'We wallop into the Wynwood Walls,

'an open-air gallery full of top-notch gra-to-the-ffiti.'

Are you a graffiti-er?

I wouldn't. I wouldn't deface a building.

No, you wouldn't, no. No. I wonder how he'd feel if this were defaced.

I once drew a little man on my parents' bathroom wall. Did you?

Yeah. I was grounded for about a month.

So I can empathise with it, I'm a kindred spirit.

'Still processing the unwelcome revelation

'that I'm on the lam with a criminal, I decide to move on.'

This one's coming out of the wall. What have they done to that horse?

That is a petting zoo gone wrong, that.

What's that there?

I don't know. That's when a horse and a crab get together.

That's a hrab. That's a party where everyone's got TOO loose.

It's an octophant.

Or is it an eleopus?

Depends who starts things off.

'At which point time speeds up so much that the palm trees shake,

'and we decide to close this first of parts.

'Act two of our drama promises a close shot of my strained face...'

All the way up, touch the sky and... (I can't touch the sky.)

'..a primitive killing machine...'

Rhod, Rhod, Rhod. Oh, God.

'..and proof that Sgt Bilko is alive and well.'

When you have to play against people like me,

the first thing you do, you start praying.

'Rhod Gilbert and I, a pastel prig Richard Ayoade,

'are in the final furlong of our 48-hour folly in Miami.

'Quips you might have missed include one from me...'

People come here to have a good time and let loose and have fun.

It sounds like hell.

'..one from Rhod...'

That is a petting zoo gone wrong, that.

'..and this conversation stopper...'

This is even better than the one at Pizza Hut.

The sun rises and we were there to document it

as a way of showing how dawn works.

Well, this is not my natural habitat

and it's very early.

'Why would anyone stay in bed when you could walk on granulated

'rock towards a yoga group?'

You'll be pleased to know this is free.

My favourite price plan.

Don't get me wrong, I've never done yoga.

I've never wanted to do yoga, but if you're going to have to do it,

this is the place.

None of this is right. Get your towel down.

Beautiful!

'The class is in full flow, but we are half-hearted,

'displaying an almost spiritual inflexibility.'

That's not happening. It's not happening!

This is a baptism of fire.

All the way back, child's pose, exhale.

It's like a different breed of person.

All the way up, touch the sky and...

I can't touch the sky.

I'm sorry, this is just somebody who's started talking to themselves

and have formed a cult.

'To the dismay of our new-found community,

'time restrictions command our early exit.

'We promise to keep in touch via various social media platforms,

'and back out.'

(Just take the towel away, take the towel away.)

How do you feel about yoga?

I don't think that was a triumph. No.

I'm pleased with this cape, though.

Dangerously drained from the demonstration,

we seek to replenish lost fluids.

I've never done this kind of thing, you know, yoga then a juice.

Have you? Please... It's really a long way from my normal life.

Oh, come off it! Come off it!

'Making my mark on Miami's juice scene

'has been on my activity wish pamphlet for close to a decade.'

Which one would you recommend for someone who's had quite

a bad trauma, a neck injury?

I would choose something very high in anti-inflammatory.

We sell about, like, 100 of these a day.

Does he rub that onto me? No, you... It's a shot.

So you drink it up...

I just inject that straight into the neck. ..that's it.

Thank you very much.

I do suggest not thinking too much about it,

so that you don't have time to...

That's good advice... Don't think too much about it?!

Yeah, just shoot it up like a shot. Drink it as fast as possible.

Yeah, exactly, like tequila. Cheers! What, are we on spring break? One, two, three.

That was too spicy. That is beautiful.

That's very spicy. It's great, right? Honestly.

How's your neck? Oh! I've not seen fluidity like that for a while.

Legally, it's still whiplash, but it's better. I was going 3mph.

'We scoop out the fridge like oily melon farmers.'

I'm having these two. Can I take one of the shots of me?

Of course. 44.94. Thank you so much, guys.

Have a great day. Thank you very much.

Well, now I will.

'Pockets jammed with juice, we leave.'

I could also get into pies... Yep. ..to supplement these.

'We buckle up and put pedal to the metal.

'But, sadly, I've left my "The Very best of Phil Collins" CD

'in the hotel.'

What do you make of this convertible experience? Do you like it?

From a UV perspective, a disaster.

Are you creamed up? I'm fully creamed up.

That is a nice skyline. Yes. Don't you look at it, you watch the road.

Over there we've got the docks with some nice big cranes

for heavy lifting. Don't you look, you look at the road!

I'm ten and two all the way.

The other thing is, you're driving on the left-hand side again.

It's one way! It's a motorway.

I mean, it's a good job I'm not of a nervous disposition.

You're in very safe hands with me.

I'm just telling myself that nothing bad can happen because we're on TV.

And, yet, it could. They couldn't show that.

Oh, they wouldn't show it.

But they'd edit what footage they had

and try and parcel it as some kind of shoddy tribute.

I conclude this driving masterclass with an elegant slide

into one of the many parking bays of Coopertown,

instantly taking its population to double figures.

That was all right. Yeah, that wasn't too bad.

Do you want to roll over the front of the bonnet?

While at a service station for a pop tart,

'we made a solemn blood pact to relive Gentle Ben by taking

'a ride on one of the airboats Jesse Kennon and his family have

'been piloting here since 1945.'

Let's go see what we can find in the Everglades.

That's the largest subtropical wilderness left in this country...

Is it? ..that Trump's making great again.

'The Everglades is a vast, slow-moving river

'which covers over 2,000 square miles.

'It's often only a few inches deep,

'so flat bottomed airboats are a flipping boon.'

It's lovely to be at one with nature!

I doubt if the wildlife even knows we're here!

'After this moment of intimacy, Rhod fatally betrays my trust

'and the no surprises sub-clause of our blood pact.'

There!

'The trip will never be the same again.'

This is eerie now. What would make a gator attack me?

Basically, you'd have to aggravate him more than anything.

Because a lot of people just don't take to me, Jesse.

A lot of people just don't like me.

I think, to be honest, part of the problem is that you're wearing

real flamingo shoes. I am.

I am dressed like a flamingo.

There's one right in front of you on the left. You see?

There we go! He's coming for you.

He's coming for you! Ooh!

He's coming for you! Stand on one leg now!

Stand on one leg now!

That is not a friend of mine.

Rhod, Rhod, Rhod.

Oh, God! Flamingo... Over here - a flamingo.

Oh, yeah, they speak English! Show it your shoes.

They're circling us, Jesse. Yeah. What do they want from us, Jesse?

We're actually in their dining room, so they're just curious to see

what's moving round in their dining room

Maybe we should go through to the lounge.

They're one of the very few animals that hasn't went through very

much evolutionary change since the age of the dinosaur.

They're much more beautiful than I was expecting...

You know what?

I'd say their beauty takes second place

to the absolute terrifying nature. Yeah.

'Our time up, we fling my hairy flamingo legs back to the jetty.'

Jesse. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Amazing.

What a pleasure.

Even when we were in alligator-infested waters

I felt safer out there than I did in the car with you. How dare you.

It's interesting, isn't it?

Still reeling from Rhod's sustained campaign to dismantle

my sense of self...

..we had to Little Havana for some java and jive talk.

I'm here, bro. That hat's become a safety blanket. Yeah, I know.

I'm still not wearing it in case I can take it back,

get the money back.

Hola, que tal? Bien.

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

Dos cafes, por favor.

'With true Cuban coffee, sugar is added early in the brewing process,

'changing the composition of the beverage on a molecular level

'and creating the distinctive espumita.'

In Cuba, that's the way we drink it. This size?

Yeah, because it's really strong.

This sugar merely hides how strong it is, then?

You're not going to feel the sugar.

This is a big build-up for some coffee. Uno, dos, tres.

Very good. That's very strong. It's very nice.

I'm going to start talking like Martin Scorsese in a minute.

It's very good but my teeth have now gone to sleep.

We need to pay for this. Rhod, settle up.

I can't. Rhod, you need to settle up.

I can't I've lost the use of my hands. Rhod, settle up.

My tongue's gone to sleep now as well. Now the tongue's gone.

I'm going to pay before I have my panic attack. How much?

It's three dollars. Three dollars. Yeah. Gracias. You're welcome.

See you!

'We head, hepped-up, to the Ball & Chain,

a legendary jazz venue,

once frequented by Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday.

I heard a lot of jokes but I've never actually seen it, have you?

No. Three horses walk into a bar...

I don't know that the horses are that into this.

'More aware than ever that I look like an out-of-shape John Legend,

'I suggest we take up an activity more suitable for men our age.'

When you have two play against people like me,

the first thing you do, you start praying

because I'm the champion 2016.

So let us begin.

'Cubans have been playing dominoes here for 35 years.'

Are we playing as a team? Yes.

Is this the national game of Cuba? Yes.

'A high-stakes 55 tile game with numbers as high as nine.'

Look and learn! Bang!

Come on, Richard. Can I do that? Yes, you can!

You two are going down!

Oh, that could have just blown you the game.

'Rhod, like some roided-up ref...'

Yes! Boom!

'..commences another campaign of psychological destruction.'

Wow! Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry! Stone-faced killers. One, two, three, four.

Come on, let's focus in. Let's focus it.

We're going to stay here until we win a game.

We're staying till we win. OK!

'Humbled, but angrier than ever, we rollick on with round two.'

Take that!

'We sniff blood, along with the possibility of winning.'

Come on, Rich, we can win this. I get it. I'm in.

You've got it? You're clicked in?

This is the best time I've ever had.

This is where I belong.

Are you ready for this? High-five.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

'Victory is ours and we accept it with understated grace.'

You guys learned so quick.

This guy hasn't been beaten since there was colour photography.

That's how you play dominoes.

Yes! Yes! You nailed that one, my friend. Yes!

Yes! You nailed that.

I've never felt so alive. No. You are pumped.

These people know what life is. You showed them.

You just caused the Cuban Domino Crisis.

They're keeping their minds alive, they just need

a bit more cardio and they've solved it.

Vowing to keep in touch with our new BFFs on Insta,

we repair to the wind-ravaged shore and make peace with Miami.

I wish I'd dressed appropriately like you.

How did you know it was going to be this cold? Ah, Ryan Gosling told me.

Did he? When he gave me this jacket. How did you feel it was, Miami?

I've enjoyed it. It's a party city, isn't it? It is.

It's big and bold and brash and cash and muscle and flesh and bikini.

It's not really you. If any town in the world

has not got your name written on it, it's this one. How dare you!

I liked the juicing. Yeah. I liked that.

I liked the coffee. Yeah. I loved the crab. Yeah.

The most amazing meal I've ever had in my life - that stone crab.

And he'll be back in 18 months' time.

He'll come back to feed somebody else. Of course he will

'Our myriad meanderings have left us poorer to the tune of approx...

'A fine price for claws...

'..culture and crocs.'

I know what you enjoyed most, winning the dominoes.

Second to that... Right. ..new domino champion,

is the continual mystery as to whether you'll ever put that hat on.

It's given every scene an underlying tension. "Will he?" Yeah.

"Will he do it now?" Yeah.

I'm not even sure myself. I've loved it. Yeah.

Well, thank you for coming. Thanks for having me.

It's been a joy. Sleep on the plane. Yeah.

And don't file the claim straight away.

Well, look, you're on lifeguard duty now,

so I'm going to go up there. OK, mate.

Yeah, are you going to have a swim? I can't swim.

Definitely in between the flags, then. OK.