All language subtitles for The.Mistress.2E06

Ripped By mstoll

Okay.

Could you take it easy, please?

We've got a severe case
of hangover here.

Oh.

Oh.

What happened?

I can't see.

Here, sit down.

I couldn't cope with a collision.

Oh, is there any very black coffee on?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. Signs are good.

How many glasses of wine
did I have last night?

Bottles, not glasses.

- Three.
- Three?

No wonder my legs are Z-shaped.

So who drove us home? You or me?

We walked.

Why?

Well, I drove some of the way.

Being the sober one at that point.

But you decided you wanted
to park the van and walk. So we did.

You mean, it's not outside.

You mean, you mean
we didn't drive home in it?

No. We walked.

So where is it?

In a road somewhere. We'll find it.

Oh, what a ridiculous situation.

The Dragon, wasn't it, where we ate?

Yes, it was.

Well, then it must be
somewhere around there.

Yeah, we'll go and look after coffee.

I've never been drunk before.

I've been tipsy, yes, I've been

merry, yes, but never drunk.

Do you remember anything?

I remember actually parking, yes,

but it was dark.
I just did what you yelled me to do.

Oh, my God.

You kept saying something about
I know this is wrong.

But the wronger it was,
the more it made you laugh.

I don't remember anything.

Perhaps the police will help?

Oh, what are you going to tell them?

Oh, hello, officer. I wonder if
you could find my van for me.

Only I was too pissed last night
to remember where I parked it.

You're right.

We had fun anyway.

And that's what the exercise
was all about.

- Sorrow.
- What?

Sorrow. It was about sorrow.

It was about you loving a woman
who has a husband.

About me loving a man who has a wife.

Well, at least we know
how stupid it all is.

I mean, come on, I'm 24.

Coming up to 30.

Halfway up the ladder of life.

If at 24 you're halfway up
the ladder of life,

I just fell off.

Goodbye to all that aggro,

all that sneaking around,

all that whispering,

- all that waiting.
- Especially all the waiting.

I'm going to go and get changed.

Then we can go and look for the van.

Yeah, well take it easy.
Don't knock my chair.

I could plunge into a coma.

Oh.

Oh.

Breakfast, Luke!

Yeah. Coming.

My God!

What is she up to?

Luke!

Yeah. Coming.

- Alright, darling?
- Yes.

Pour the coffee, would you?

Let's carry on as if
everything were normal, no hysterics.

Then later on we can talk
about things sensibly.

- Alright?
- Yes. Yes.

I wonder who this is from.

No stamp.

Doesn't look at all familiar.

Helen, we should talk now.
Immediately.

This very moment.
There's no point in delaying things.

Hm. It's from the lady next door.

Her cat was ill.
I ran her to the vet's.

Ah.

The rest are bills, as usual.

- You not eating?
- Eventually, yes.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Isn't it strange?

The one word we haven't spoken
about is divorce.

Oh, I expect it'll find its way
into the next row.

I suppose it's because
I've never seen her.

I can't picture her in my mind. So I...

...I don't see you together.

- Helen.
- If I'd heard a voice or,

or laughter or, or seen a picture.

Oh! My God.

Hello?

Oh, strange.

Probably a crank.

Oh. This house feels like
somebody else's house.

I can't get started somehow.

Everything feels like somebody else's.

Well, it'll take time.

It... will feel like yours again soon.

Who was that on the phone?

You were right,
it's probably some crank.

It stopped as soon as I picked it up.

Somebody mixed up about something.

I'm sorry.

- So am I.
- You haven't done anything.

I haven't exactly fulfilled you.

I'm a fool.
Any man would look at you and see that.

Are you going to be able to
forget her?

Are you?

- I don't want a divorce.
- No.

- Do you?
- No!

There are a couple of things.

Oh? What?

There's a van parked outside.

Oh, that, yeah. I saw it. Idiots.
I'll ring and complain.

Your slippers are on the wrong feet.

Oh, I thought everything was
pulling in the wrong direction.

And you put marmalade in your coffee.

Oh, damn!

In this sort of situation,
everybody suffers, don't they?

- They wrong and the wronged.
- Yes.

Should we try again?

I need a day.

- A day?
- To sort things out,

a day to do what I need to do,
a day of reckoning, if you like.

- And then?
- And then,

it's you and me.

Tidying up. If you want that.

I need to...

use the phone.

Privately.

Privately.

Yes. Of course.

Thank you.

Helen?

I'll take it upstairs.

Oh, would you get that for me, Beryl?
Could be Max.

Hello?

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

What comes next I wonder?

More phone calls, a letter, a video?

Not that it should come
as any great surprise to me.

The angry woman out to wreck
everybody's life, along with...

Well, you're wasting your time, Max.

I've told Helen everything.

I'm ready to pay now.

And I don't need any aggro from you.

Thanks.

Hi, sweetheart.

It was a man. He was furious.

Oh, it'll be Robert.

I reversed the car into
his herb garden this morning.

Now you won't forget to
water this one, will you? Regularly.

Otherwise it'll shrivel up,
like all the rest.

We definitely came along here.

Because I remember falling over.

Well, the thing is,
which way do we go from here?

That way leads back to my place,
but we've just come that way

and there's no van.
That way takes us back to the shop.

- And that way...
- I think we went down there.

I seem to recall you saying
something about

liking to see his face in the morning.

- I said that?
- Something like that.

Oh, no!

Alright, put the brakes on, will you?

My legs need advance warning

- for this kind of speed.
- I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.
I wouldn't do such a thing.

I mean, it's pathetic to do
a thing like that.

I wouldn't. I just know I wouldn't.
Oh, my God! I did.

Why did you let me park
on the pavement?

Oh, what will he think?
What on earth will he think?

You mean, that's the guy?

That's him. That's his house.

And that's his wife.

Great.

You better move
your calling card, don't you think?

All nice and calm now.

- You're just delivering flowers.
- Of course we are.

Okay. So we parked badly.

How much are the carnations, dear?

Oh, uh, 1.50, please.

Oh, I can't afford that.

Well...

how much are the chrysanthemums?

Oh, they're 2.60 a bunch.

Oh, I can't afford that.

Well, what about the mixed flowers?

Oh, they're 1.75.

Oh, my pension won't run to it.

Well, how much are the roses each?

Oh, they're 50p.

I'll have two.

Sorry, what?

Two roses, please.

Right.

That's 1.50, please.

I think you made a mistake,
I asked for two roses.

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

That's �1.

Thank you very much.

- Coffee?
- No. Thank you.

Oi. Come on, sweetheart.

Calm down.
You'll upset the rubber plant.

I'll have to phone him and explain.

I can't.

When you were
having an affair with this guy,

you couldn't phone him at his office,

at his home, on your birthday,
at Christmas,

when the cat got lost.

When he was in hospital.

What makes you think you can phone
him now when you're finished?

Let's face it, sweetheart.

You couldn't phone this guy
if you were on your death bed

phoning around your friends
to say goodbye.

If he's gone back
to his wife, sweetheart.

End of story.

But I didn't want it
to end so bitterly.

It's life. It's truth.

I know it hurts.

But the sooner you give up
on this escapade,

the sooner you can get back to life,

- for what it's worth.
- You don't understand, Jamie,

I left my van parked outside his house,

on the pavement with everything

but my blood group
written all over it.

I might as well have done the worst
thing of all and phoned his wife.

Right outside the house it was,
Simon, right outside.

And that's only the beginning.

There was a phone call, you know,
you pick it up, nothing. Little...

How's your appendix scar, by the way?

Was a thin, straight line, but
I've jumped so many times it looks

as though they took my appendix
out with salad servers.

Right.

These can go back, for a start.

Childish, isn't it?
But it's what we do, it seems.

Yeah, well, I'm always giving
Nancy her presents back.

She only buys things she needs now.

I'm telling you, Simon, from now on,
it's the straight and narrow for me.

Oh, well, it's the most comfortable
road, the straight and narrow.

No scenery.

The Sexy Man's Diary?

You know, I can't believe that people
get into these physical entanglements.

Supposing the fire bell went, you'd
never get yourself sorted out in time.

Although, the way I feel at the moment,
I've got no thoughts on the matter.

- I doubt if I'll ever have sex again.
- Yeah, well,

we all say we'll never eat again

when we've just emptied
the biscuit tin, don't we?

I feel like the captain
of two sinking ships

and I don't know which one
to down on with. See you.

- Don't you want this thing?
- Thanks.

So? You've done it?

Yes, Simon, I've done it.

I've cut loose.

I emptied her presents
all over her sofa.

And left.

Oh, she'd like that.

All the friendly qualities
of a barbed wire fence.

I know you disapprove, Simon,

but you are looking at my dilemma
from your well sorted out life.

Well sorted out?

I, my friend, spent my nights
in a small bed alone.

At least you can sleep.

No one waiting for you to
turn into a performing clown.

With my lonely head
sticking out of the top

and my lonely feet
sticking out of the bottom.

- All my spare parts lonely.
- Oh.

You ever seen
the little fledglings on the roof,

pipping backwards and forwards
with a cat waiting on the lawn?

That's how I see my marriage.
One wrong move, over it goes.

But you're lucky
Helen came back, you know.

I mean, most wives
would have fled for good.

Except Nancy, of course,
she knows that

staying is the ultimate punishment.

At least I feel better now.

So... what it amounts to is,

it was always...

just an affair.

Always just fun.

She never really had a chance,
your other person.

No. It doesn't mean that.

- What does it mean?
- It means...

- Go on.
- Don't rush me.

I know what it bloody means.

Well, I'll go and make us some coffee
while you think about it.

Maybe I'll just paint the universe
while I'm at it, give you more time.

- Hello?
- Helen, it's me.

I'll be ten minutes, okay?

- Fine, darling.
- You alright?

Bye.

Have you cashed up, Jamie?

Yeah.

We've done well today.

- Oh, how much?
- Over �200.

I'll be able to retire soon.

I'll take a little cottage
in a forest somewhere,

wear big floppy hats, lots of beads

and funny shoes and
have dozens of cats following me.

Yeah, I get the picture.
You're depressed again.

No, I'm not, I'm the opposite.

I'm relieved.

That's my girl.

Just think of the mess
he's got to clear up.

At least you've got no one
to explain things to.

Oh, I do, I have myself to
explain things to.

And I'm angry with myself
for being so stupid,

I didn't realise
he was playing games with me.

But you're lying in bed tonight,
all stretched out and warm

and free to wander wherever
you like underneath the duvet,

think of him, lying to attention,

wondering when the next question's
going to be fired at him, and

where the next answer's coming from.

- He deserves it.
- Of course he does, sweetheart.

There are others, you know, out there.

I don't know what I saw in him any way.

He was about as reliable
as cardboard wellies,

and totally undernourished.

Probably using up all
his calories sneaking about, I suppose.

Can you imagine what it's like,
those two, eating together?

Be more comfortable in the deep freeze.

You alright, sweetheart?

You're looking a bit peaky.

Will you send these
back to the nursery, please, Jamie?

I'll stick to roses in future.

I don't want any more daisies.

'Right, Luke, that's it.

You could always shed your moods
in my house, couldn't you?

But I could never shed mine in yours.

I could never do anything,

because I was a secret,
a quick thrill,

something to be taken
out of a box when required.

Well, it's war now, Luke.'

You cold with that window open?

No, not really, are you?

Mm, yes, I am.

That's better.

Did you, um...

Did you do everything
you needed to do?

I think so, yes.

I wondered if we should go away
for a while, holiday, or something.

We could, yes.

I'd like to tidy up a few things
at work first.

We'll talk about it again.

Is it the wrong time for me
to tell you that I love you?

I, er...

I feel...

Nothing?

I know. I felt like that too.

Until seven o'clock this morning,

when I saw your poor,
trampled face on the pillow.

Trampled?

Well, yes, trampled.

Still, it doesn't matter
for a man, does it?

A man's face doesn't age,
it's not like a woman's.

A man's face is like a dried flower.

It may have lost
all its silk and colour, but

it hangs on to
that interesting parched look.

Was she young?

No.

- Younger than me?
- Yes.

So I must be very old.

Not as old as me,
nobody's as old as me.

So it wasn't just you
trying to prove yourself?

Why would I want to do that?

Well, because men do, don't they?

- At your age.
- I'm only 40, for God's sake.

- Was she thin?
- Ish.

- You mean, she's perfect.
- No, I don't mean that.

What sign is she?

I haven't worked it out... August.

Hm. She's a Leo.
Conceited, bossy people.

I wouldn't know.

You must know something about her.

Does she use yellow bin bags?

This may come as a surprise to you,

but I've never actually enquired
about her bin bags.

Pity. Cos there's one
the bonnet of your car.

There's what?

Oh, my God.

You want to phone?

- I'll go and hoover somewhere.
- No.

No. Let's finish dinner first.

What would you have done
if you were she?

I would have done the same thing.

And when you went out to
collect the bag, I'd shoot you.

I'll tell you what
we're going to do, chaps.

We're going to go on
a holiday somewhere, hm?

Somewhere where they take
cats and rabbits.

And retired mistresses.

Who is it?

It's me.

What the hell do
you think you're doing?

I'm sitting in my house,
I'm doing my legs.

First you park your van
right under my wife's nose.

Then you make
an anonymous phone call to my wife.

Then you put a plastic bag on the
bonnet of my car for my wife to see.

So I've come to find out exactly

when you're going to
come round to meet her.

I thought we might have an evening
at home with letters and photographs.

I did not park
the van there on purpose.

I had too much to drink.
I was with some friends.

I'm very sorry for that.

But I did not make
an anonymous phone call.

I don't do such things.

Not just a plastic bag either.

A yellow plastic bag.

A bright, glowing, never
to be forgotten, yellow plastic bag

Well, that was in reply

to your letting yourself in
and vandalising my house.

I returned your presents. That's all.

And I returned yours.

There's a considerable difference
in our situations, isn't there?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I forgot about your wife.

I'm not supposed to upset her.

You can let yourself into my house,
you can throw things all over it.

But I must not put a plastic bag
on the bonnet of your car,

because it might upset your wife.

Do you know something?
I thought you were different.

I thought you were thoughtful
and kind and special.

Yes, well, it's very
disappointing, isn't it, Luke?

I never lied to you.
I have a marriage.

Ours was an affair.

And bloody exhausting it was too.

'When can I see you, darling? '
'Dinner's at eight, darling.'

'You're always with her.'
'You're never at home.'

In the car, your house.
In the car, my house.

Weighed down with guilt, remorse,

self-loathing, two dinners,
two puddings.

I had to lie in bed at night
and, would you believe it, sleep!

Well, yes, you were
the lucky one, weren't you?

Because you knew
what was going to happen next,

you made all the rules.

With me, it was,
'Will he come? Or won't he come?

Do I cook? Or don't I cook? '

You wouldn't even get into my bed

without arranging your socks
for a quick getaway.

And I don't know
what you mean about two puddings.

You never used to
eat my lemon meringues,

because you were always
too full up with her apple mousse.

Well, you're winning, aren't you?

Sitting here in your pristine house
with your...

God, I hate that rabbit.

I had to go home
and sort out an insurmountable mess.

Well, it serves you right.
You've had two loads of fun.

Now you can have two loads of grief.

I'm glad I found out
about you before...

Before? Before? Before, what?
Before you married me.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry!
I'm not supposed to be...

I'm not entitled to
think of such things.

Before I got out of my depth.

Well, you can wade
safely ashore now, can't you?

- Right.
- Right.

Right.

I never thought I could hate you.

I never thought I could hate you.

Well, there's the door.

You should know,
all you ever did was go.

Right.

And another thing.

How could I always be full up
with Helen's apple mousse?

Have you come back
to have another row?

I hate apple mousse.

So even if she had made it,

I wouldn't eat it, would I?

Max.

- I'm alright, just go.
- I'm going.

Hasn't gone. The feeling, has it?

No, it hasn't gone.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

- Hello?
- Hi, sweetheart. It's Jamie.

You alright?

Yes, Jamie, I'm fine. Except...

For being pregnant.

Ripped By mstoll