All language subtitles for The Christmas Letter 2024 1080p WEB-DL HEVC x265 5.1 BONE

Greetings from the Hammersmiths.

I hope all is well,

and you are in good spirits.

As Christmas approaches,

I like to take time

to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family

and I have had this past year.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.

Love, Clive H.

Dad, mail's here.

- Bring it up.

- Here's your mail.
- Thanks.

Your mother's gonna
make me bankrupt.

- What's bankrupt?

- It's like when somebody
eats all your Cocoa Puffs.

- Cocoa Puffs.

- Right on schedule.

Greetings from the Hammersmiths.

I hope all is well and
you are in good spirits.

As Christmas approaches
I like to take time

to reflect on all
the wonderful times

my family and I have
had this past year.

P.S. You're invited to my
big birthday bash in England.

Bono is my special musical
guest. Details to come.

- Deb, how come we
never do anything?

- Hmm? What are
you talking about?

- I mean, we're alive,

but I don't really live,

I never do anything interesting.

- We went to the
Scouts dinner Monday.

Well, I enjoyed it.

I like socializing with
people in the community.

It helps me feel connected.

You like hanging out

with grown men in
shorts in the winter?

I mean, come on.

Oh, I mean, we never travel

or go anywhere or skydive.

We never go skydiving.

We used to talk about
going skydiving.

- I never talked about
skydiving. That's
your death wish.

- Oh. Oh yeah.

- Wait. We got it, didn't we?

- What do you mean?

- This annual envy
fest is getting old.

- Mm.

- Do you think Mary bragged

about all the
gold, frankincense,

and myrrh that baby Jesus got?

- Well, she should have.
It was quite the haul.

Ah, I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Ah! If it's a
package, no peeking.

- If.
- If it's a package.

Oh, hey.

- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah. Hi Rich.

- I got one for you today.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Do all your packages
end up like this?

It's a little beaten up.
- Oh, no worries.

Whatever's in there
is pretty strong.

Mm.
- Okay.

- I, I know 'cause I,
I used it to step on it

to reach the top
shelf in my truck, so.

- Oh.
- You're good to go.

- Okay, great.

- Hi, Rich.
- Hi, Rich.

- Oh, hey, kids.

- Did you bring us any presents?

- Yeah, did you
bring us anything?

- That's Santa's job.
I'm just an honorary elf.

Yeah, see, my job is to
pack in all the things

that Santa can't
fit into a sleigh.

And I bring those, see? Okay?

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Well, I'm gonna be, be going.

- Okay.
- Gotta get there.

- That's a good one, Rich.

- So I'll be seeing
you real soon.

- All right.
- Okay.

- I'll see you around.

- And uh, uh, tell
Debbie Merry Christmas!

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Merry Christmas.

Rotating tree stand.

- I told you not to peek.

- What am I supposed
to do with this?

- It's to stringing up
the lights on the tree.

- Oh.
- Isn't that neat?

- Yeah. Neat.

- Who does this?

- Someone with controlling
stock in Waterford.

Wonder what his doorknob
looks like.

- You know, for
someone who supposedly

has been friends with
this guy for years,

you sure don't act
like it sometimes.

- Yeah, he means well.
He's just a bit tone deaf.

He lives in the world
of rich and famous

and I live in this one.

And he likes to remind me of it

every single year without fail.

- You know, his letters
are always over the top.

So why do you stay in touch?

- I dunno. I guess this
goes back to my childhood.

- I am pleased to announce,

today I have your
pen pal assignments.

Yes!

- Ooh, I hope I get to
write to a cute Italian boy.

- Save yourself a stamp.

Getting to know
someone from a foreign land

is a wonderful thing.

Many pen pals become
lifelong friends.

- Texas?

Even in spite
of cultural differences,

you'll discover that
you and your new pen pal

have a lot more in
common than you think.

I play tennis too.

In fact, I'll be playing
Junior Wimbledon this year.

What tennis club
do you belong to?

Cheers, Clive H.

- Bloody hell.

- I could really tell
we are worlds apart

when I got my gold
badge in Scouts

and he said, "Oh, gold,

that's a good
investment opportunity.

It'd be great for
your portfolio."

Bloody hell.

I must have been a
glutton for punishment

because I visited a few times

and was eventually asked to
be an usher at his wedding.

- Oh, there you are, old dog.

Look at you, mate.

You could almost be mistaken

for an accomplished
businessman, huh?

- Uh...
- Hey, hey,

I want you to introduce
you to someone,

has a big thing for Americans.

Joe, meet Fiona.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Okay. Got to dash.

Wedding and all, uh...

- What's this for?

- An usherly favor.

See, my horse steed
will be pulling

our carriage away
from the church.

He had a little
molasses this morning

and he's not feeling that great.

Would you mind?

- Uh...
- Thanks.

And keep the spade,
the shovel, as a gift.

You kids have fun.

- So, Fiona, right?

- Fiona.

- And that's when the
Christmas letters began.

Year after year reminding
me of how great his life is

and how, how mine wasn't.

I just wish I could
just experience that
life just for once.

What did Thoreau say?

"Most men live lives
of quiet desperation."

I don't wanna be most men.

- Well, at least you're not
quiet about your desperation.

- One year, we're
gonna live that life.

We're gonna do all
those crazy wild things

that, that he does.

We're gonna do it.

And people are
gonna read about it

and they're gonna
wish they we're us

as opposed to us was
wishing we were them.

Yeah.

- Stop comparing
yourself to others.

You've got it pretty
good right here.

I'll get it.

- What is going on
with this thing?

Is that smoke?

- Hello.

- Deb Michaels. Is that you?

Clyde Hammersmith.

Wow, we were just
talking about you.

- Sorry. Signals here in
the Med are just atrocious.

And the Greeks wonder
why things are so bad.

No decent 5G anyway.

- Oh, what a shame.

- We've been trying all day

to get dinner reservations
at Oroscopo and no luck.

- I know what you mean.

- So have you received
our letter yet?

- Yes. Joe, can't
stop talking about it.

I can't wait to read it.

- Yes. Brilliant.

Full of great pics,
including some of me

and my new tennis Daniel Craig.

Oh. And there's a
special surprise in
there for you and Joe.

Hasn't he told you about it yet?

- Uh, not yet.
- I won't spoil the surprise.

But how is old Joe?

Still chasing the big
money in advertising?

- Yep. Always chasing.

- Put that old dog on the line.

I want to have a chat with him.

- Hold on a second.

Clive, He'll call you back.

- Dad.

- Oh!
- Is Dad okay?

- He'll be fine.

Once I find the receipt for
that rotating tree stand.

- Don't you get sick
of playing that song?

- Don't you ever get sick
of listening to Journey?

- Hey, they got me through
a lot of tough times.

- What? Puberty?
- Uh-huh.

- What you working on?

- Oh, it's a itinerary

for a whole year of family
activities and, and vacations.

I'm, I'm gonna present
it to them at Christmas.

Don't get caught

doing that on company time.

I, I hear they're looking to
make cuts before Christmas.

- Yeah. I think
I'm gonna be okay.

I'm not the one walking
around playing a ukulele.

- But I'm hip and quirky
and companies love that.

It's like the new MBA.

- The what?
- You're old school, man.

Nobody cares about
good punctuation

and grammar and spelling.

It, it's all about
reaching your audience.

And your audience is
young and hip and quirky.

- You're 45 years old.

- Yeah, but I don't act like it.

So let's hear these big plans.

- Really?
- Hmm.

- All right, so this is gonna
really blow my wife's mind.

I'm gonna take it
to the Chez Monet

in Times Square
for New Year's Eve.

- The Chez Monet?
- Yeah.

- One meal there is
like a car payment.

I know. It's gonna
be great.

- What's that one?

- This one? It's a golf
clinic with a golfing legend.

Yeah.
- Hmm. A legend.

Like who?

- Well, it's subject
to availability,

but they do mention there
could be a one Tiger Woods.

- This says Tigger Woods.

- Yeah, it's a typo.

But anyway, I got this guy
who sends me these letters.

Anyway, it's a long story,

but when he sees me playing
golf with Tiger Woods-

- Tigger.
- He's gonna freak out.

Oh, maybe Tiger's
gonna let me wear

his green PGA jacket.

That's gonna be so cool.

- Yeah, you'll be
wearing a jacket,

but it ain't gonna be green.

Oh, well-

Hello. This is Joe.

Sure. I, I, I'll
be there in a sec.

That was HR.

Just gonna go down there
for a quick meeting.

- Ooh, HR? Want me to
pack some boxes for you?

- No, it's not gonna
be anything like that.

It's probably they wanna talk

to me about that
community project.

And besides if anyone's
gonna be packing boxes,

it's gonna be you,
walking around playing
that stupid thing.

- Did you not hear
anything I said

about being hip and quirky?

- Anyway. Forget about it.

I'll be back soon.

- I can see you're in shock.

- You see, Joe, corporate
says we're failing

to reach the younger
internet crowd.

We need people who
can relate to them.

People who could reach them

in a hip and quirky kinda way.

And for less money, of course.

- I-I-I can play the jug.

I mean, is that hip
and quirky enough?

- So do you wanna go out the
front door or the back door?

- What are you talking about?

- We like to give
newly-separated assets,

in this case, you,

a choice as to whether
he or she wants

to avoid being seen
by former coworkers.

- Hey, Linda.
- Hi, Drew.

- You're looking great.
- So are you.

- Oh, I get it.

You don't want me to
make a scene, freak out?

That's why you want me
to go out the back door?

- The company would prefer it.

- Well, since the company's
already backdoored me,

I would like to go out the
front door, if that's okay.

- Oh, man. Really?
- Yep. I'm afraid so.

- Sorry man. We'll
miss you around here.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Look, don't worry about that.

How's your, uh, house
situation going?

- Fell through again. We just
don't qualify for a mortgage.

- Man, that ain't right. Sorry.

- It all works out.
Just keep the faith.

- Ahem.

- Let us know if you
have any questions.

We'll be in touch
with severance papers.

Merry Christmas!

- I can't believe they did this

to you right before Christmas.

- Yeah.

Human resources love Christmas.

Especially love their
Christmas firing carols like

Or their other one.

- Santa isn't coming to town?

- Uh-no.

- Oh, sweetie. He is.
- Yeah.

- It's just, daddy got the
name of that song wrong.

That's all.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Go ahead,
go back to bed.

Look, I know this is tough,

but please don't ruin
the holiday for the kids.

- Okay.

- Get some sleep.

Tomorrow's a new day.

- Ooh, tough break, buddy.

But just remember, don't stop
believing.

Joe! This is Dylan,
your replacement.

He's a millennial.

Half your age, half your salary.

People love his blog and
he is a master with emojis.

- Oh, well, tough luck,
Michaels. Onward steed.

- You'll be fine.

- I, um, I cashed in my 401k.

- Excuse me?

- That's the only
way we can finance

the year of the Michaels.

- What are you talking about?

- A whole year of family fun
and excitement and adventure

so we can write the
ultimate Christmas letter.

- Wait a minute.

You lost your job
and just cashed in on

the one thing standing between
us and a homeless shelter?

All so you could write your
own narcissistic newsletter?

- Our narcissistic letter.
- Oh, f...

- And it's only gonna
work if we give it 110%.

- Why didn't you talk
to me about this?

How we spend our money
should be a mutual decision.

- We never had a discussion
about all the shoes you buy.

I mean, how many did you
buy last year? 45 pairs.

- That's for when we do
something special someday.

- Exactly.

I was gonna wait till
Christmas to give you this.

- Joe.

We don't ski.

- Y-I mean...

- Squirrels on YouTube
do it better than you.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, but we'll learn.

I mean, that's the whole point

of doing these fun
family things, you know?

Chez Monet?

Yeah. Right?

- Bahamas?

Yes.
- Oh!

- It'll be awesome.
- Wait, Tigger Woods.

- Eh, that's a typo.

- Tiger Woods?
- Yes.

The one and only.

- We can't afford this.

- The, the 401k will
finance the whole thing.

- Joe, our savings.

- Ah, it's gonna
be fine. Trust me.

Oh, I don't know.

- Oh, it's gonna be
great, I'll be there.

It's good.

What are doing, Rich?

- Merry Christmas!

- What better way to start
the year of the Michaels

than a Norman
Rockwell-esque sleigh ride

on Christmas morning.

- But Dad, I wanna
play with my toys.

- Yeah, Dad. It's
Christmas morning.

I didn't even get
to open my Legos.

- Joe. This is nice.

But if you wanted to be
like Norman Rockwell,

I could have just
gotten you some paints.

Why look at a painting

when you could experience
the real thing.

Well, here it is.

- Where are the horses?

Where's all the snow?

- Uh, I don't know.

Oh, It'll be fine.

It'll be fun. Come on.

Let's, uh, let's go have
a sleigh ride, meet Santa.

Be great.

Yeah.

- Santa!

- Merry Christmas.

Name's Frederick Santa.

You must be my 10:00
am special appointment.

Mighty adventurous of you, man.

Coming out on Christmas
for a big holiday hunt.

Let's get it on.

- Hunt?

- Yeah, it'll be like the Easter
egg hunt, candy cane hunt.

Anyway, l-l-let's
go. Let's get going.

- Uh, Mom?

- Joe.

- Is this supposed
to be a sleigh ride?

- Yep. Slay Rides Incorporated.

We kill 'em, you grill 'em.

Now let's go find Rudolph

and get us some fresh
Christmas venison, huh?

- Daddy, what's venison?

- Oh, it's, a, it's a
little town in Italy.

We'll go there one day.

It's, they make
pizzas and stuff.

- Ho-ho-hold on.

- This'll be fun.

Poor Rudolph.

Guys, go wash your hands.

Yes, mommy.

- So, uh, I'll just, uh,

put this under the tree then?

- Yes, Dad. We're fine.

What?

Yeah, he's right here.

He wants to talk to you.

- Hi, Tony.

- Heard you bagged Rudolph
on Christmas day. Nice.

Thanks for traumatizing
my daughter and grandkids.

Wanna mount my head on the wall?

- Oh, actually, yeah,

but I think you have
to be dead first, but-

- Oh, Joe. Gimme that.

Dad? Yeah, I'm sorry.

I know, I know. Okay.

I love you too. Merry Christmas.

- Well, it was, uh,
nice of Frederick

to process all that
venison for us.

And he even gave us a
box of reindeer jerky.

- What the hell
were you thinking?

- Well, you don't wanna let

a little mishap spoil our
Christmas fun.

- Fun?

That head was eating berries
no less than 24 hours ago.

- Um, look, can I
make it up to you

with a another
Christmas surprise?

- Oh, what's next,
a taxidermy elf?

No.

We're going to
England next summer.

- What are you talking about?

- Didn't you read
Clive's letter?

- I couldn't get past the part

about having tea with
Sir Paul McCartney.

- Oh no, there was,
there was a P.S.

and he was inviting us all
to his big birthday bash

next summer in the UK.

And it's gonna be like
bow ties and black ties

and champagne and
caviar and dignitaries

and all that kind of stuff.

So I thought, "Hey, why not?"

So I booked a ticket and
RSVP'd and away we go.

Wh-what do you think?

- You want to go to a
party for the very man

whose Christmas letter
drives you crazy each year?

A party for the man who
will likely put this event

in next year's letter.

- Yeah, absolutely.

'Cause then We can write
about it in our letter.

What a way to steal his thunder.

It's gonna be brilliant, hey?

Oh yes.

- I see you truly
value his friendship.

- I think it's gonna be good.

- Hey, everyone.

Bryan Deacrest here with you

to celebrate another New Year's
Rompin' Eve in Times Square.

Tonight, we're outside

the inimitable Chez
Monet French restaurant,

under new management,
by the way.

Where everyone who's anyone

will be enjoying
sumptuous dining,

fine music, and a
Rompin' Eve tradition:

the midnight pressing
of the ceremonial button

that lowers the famous ball.

- But this is my best suit.

- I'm sorry, sir.
Those are the rules.

- I mean, we had a
reservation for 6:30.

I wanna speak to the manager.

- You mean the general manager?

Yeah, that'd be moi.

- Oh, bonjour.
- Bonsoir.

I'm Norm de Plume,
the general manager.

This is Chez Monet.

Where everything is
fine and beautiful

and the music's good and
the food is sumptuous.

But you're not dressed right.

And I can't let people
dressed like you in here.

I'm sorry. I hope
you understand.

- Uh, is this even
a French restaurant?

I mean, are you even French?

- No. Thanks for asking.

- W-what about my reservation?

- Didn't she tell you
about the dress code?

- Yeah, yeah. She did, she did.

- Okay, good.

Well, know you look just great

for a high school
reunion, let's say,

Moose Club in Paramus.

Did you show him the rules?
- Yes. I, uh, okay.

Again.
- Yes.

- Section three, paragraph
four specifically states

that we will not serve
any man, woman, or child

who's not wearing attire
befitting the establishment.

I-
- Excuse me, sir.

- Sir?
- What?

- Is there a problem?

There must be some
misunderstanding.

Ah, oh, see Deb and
Joe Michaels 6:30.

- Oh.

But, you know, we can't just,

you are just very pr-p-pretty.

You're a lucky devil.

As lovely as you are,

I can't let your husband
dine here tonight.

- Why not?

- At Chez Monet we
have rules like,

you need a proper dinner suit.

- What? Like a tuxedo?
- Not like a tuxedo.

A real tuxedo.

Like a one-button
mohair by Brioni.

- Oh yeah. Brioni
would be a good one.

- The rules are the rules.

If I made an exception,

I'd have the let in
the whole hoi polloi.

- We had a reservation here

and we're not gonna
leave until we're seated

buying some, something expensive

and celebrating the New Year's.

- Well if I may, we
may have an option

if you'd be amenable to it.

- Sure, if I must.
- You know what?

We can rent you a tuxedo.

Our selection is quite
limited, but we have some.

- All right. How much is it?

- 300.
- $300.

- 300? That's our whole
budget for the evening.

- What were they gonna
order? Bread and water.

A crouton?

More?

- Yeah, uh, uh, garcon?

Garconesse, or whatever.

- Sir?

- Another round of
your finest bread.

- Can I get you anything else?

Uh, some dessert, some
bread pudding perhaps?

- No, just the bread's fine.

- Sir.

They've requested more bread.

- How about the day-old?

Perfect.

- Do you see that?

Is that a Rolex?
- Ooh.

Do we get one too?

- Yeah, I think we do.

I think they're giving them out.

- What is this, your
10th bread basket?

- Can we get one of
those goody bags?

- Oh, I'm afraid you
don't get one now.

- Why not? We're patrons.

- You ate free bread all night.

I'm sorry. Now if
you'll excuse me.

- What's a French word
for a guy like that?

- Douche.
- Yeah. Le douche.

- Oh Joe, I'm sorry.

- You know what?

I'm not gonna let anybody
ruin this night. Okay?

Have I told you that I love you?

- Mm-hmm.

Last week when I took
in the garbage cans.

- Oh yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Joe!

Ten, nine, eight, seven

six, five, four,

three, two, one.

- Happy New Year! Go!

- Stop them! Stop those people!

Idiots. It's only 9:45.

- Hi Mr. Clark. Oh my Gosh.

Where you been?

Happy New Year. Muah!

Happy New Year.

- I cannot find my phone.

Deb, Deb, I need your phone.

Quick, quickly.
- What? What are you doing?

You gonna tear us apart.
- No. It's gonna be great.

Excuse me. Can we get
a selfie with you?

- Sure.
- Oh, thank you.

- Why not?
- All right.

- It's not like I don't
have any time to kill.

Cheese.

Huge fan. I love of you
on "American Band Stand."

You are great. All right.

- I bet this never
happened to Dick.

- Hello?
- Joe?

- No.
- Oh, I, oh.

I'm looking for Joe Michaels.

- Oh yeah. Right.

I'm afraid the Michaels

are thankfully no
longer in this building.

- Oh.
- So.

- Well, I, I heard
he was coming in

to the big city tonight.

I guess I missed
a hell of a party.

- Ah, you could say that, yeah.

Now I'm afraid I don't
wish to help you anymore.

I hope you have a
very happy New Year.

- Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.
- What, what, what, what?

- Could you tell him about the
package? My package for Joe.

See, I missed it on my route

and well now it's,
it's leaking and...

- I'm sure it is.

I'll be sure not
to let them know.

- He'll, uh, he'll
find it tomorrow.

Looks like you've got a
pretty nice place there.

- Bloody hell.

- Dining and dashing.
I feel so dirty.

We turned Times Square
into a ghost town

on New Year's Eve.

Who does that?

- Well, Times Square
is so overrated.

Besides, there's nowhere to pee.

Sorry. Correction.

I did see someone
peeing in a mailbox.

In fact, I saw a lot
of people peeing.

And we didn't even dine
we just had some bread.

It was fine.
- Then why did we dash?

- Uh...

- Wouldn't have anything

to do with that Rolex on
your wrist now, would it?

- Well, I mean, you
have one as well.

- I'm not wearing it.

- Well, look, besides,

I mean all those people
at that restaurant,

that this means nothing to them.

It's like a pair
of socks to them.

- A very expensive
pair of socks.

- Your phone's ringing.

Ah.

Hello?

- Oh, it's you.

Heard you got yourself a pair

of hot watches the other night.

Thanks for making
my daughter a felon.

What are planning
next? A homicide.

Joe, you there?

- Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm here. I was just
trying to do something else.

- Get my daughter on the phone.

- Who is it?
- Grampus.

No, I mean Grandpa.

Is your mom around?

Deb? Deb?
- Momma!

- Little thing is on the phone.

Crazy ol' Grampa.

Grampa.

- Oh, hey Rich.
- Hi, Joe.

- Oh.
- Whatcha got there?

Thank you.

Why do your packages look like

they're being used
as a ThighMaster?

- Oh, well, sorry.
I'm sure it's fine.

Yeah? Here.
- Okay.

- I just need your signature.

- All right.
- There you go. Right there.

- So, uh, how's life?

- Well, I'm getting
the vasectomy.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, my wife's been
bugging me for years.

At first she wanted to be
like that family on TV.

You know the one
with the 10 kids?

- Oh yeah.

- But after four C-sections,

a couple of sets of breach twins

and giving once birth
on a roller coaster,

she got tired of
trying to keep up, so.

- Yeah.
- Nine's the magic number.

So next week I, I'm seeing
my urologist and Dr. Stoppe.

- Dr. Stop. Is that like stop?

S-T-O-P?
- No, no.

S-O it's two P's and an E.
- Oh.

- Like, like shoppe, you
know, like ye olde shoppe.

- Right. Yeah.

Yeah.

So he's kinda like a boutique
back vasectomy doctor

kind of thing?
- It's a regular office,

but he says a couple of snips

and my baby making
days are over.

- Wow, well thanks for your
public service there, Rich.

- Hi, Rich.
- Mrs. Michaels.

Well, uh, well, nice
talking to you, Joe.

Mrs. Michaels. Deb.

- Uh, did he just wink at you?

- I think it was a twitch.

Probably nervous
about that vasectomy.

Hmm.

There's nothing like

the crisp winter snow
in the mountains.

Right, kids?

Come on. We're headed
to Goliath Mountain.

The Goliath Mountain.

Who's ready to rip some poo.

Think you mean rip some pow.

- Where's daddy?

- He went to register us
for the tennis lessons.

If he doesn't show up soon,

he's gonna miss the ski lessons.

- Oh, sorry. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, there was a long line.

Look, I just found
out that John McEnroe

is gonna be one of the
instructors at the tennis camp.

- Get out!
- Yeah. Isn't that cool?

- And with that,

I wish you all the best
of luck on the slopes.

- Oh, but wait, my
husband just got here.

- Oh, uh, he could
join my next lesson

and catch up with you later.

How's that?
- Yeah, that sounds fine.

You go ahead. I'll
catch up with you later.

Go rip some poo.

Pow.

- All right.

- Here's our other participant.

Big Joe, meet Little Joe.

Oh, like in the "Bonanza"?

- No, no. This little
guy is a Joe too.

- Hey, hey, Little Joe.

- Who you calling little?
- Ow.

- Big Joe and Little Joe,

the first thing we're gonna
cover is the snowplow.

- Mm-hmm.
- Just watch me.

It's very simple, okay?
- Okay.

- That's it. Okay?

Go forward and
you're gonna bend.

Come on.

- I think I'm doing it.
- Mm-hmm. Yep.

Uh-huh. You're really doing it.

There you go.

Wow. Good job.

That was amazing.

Yeah!

- This is so fun.

- It is, isn't it?

I just wish I knew
where your father was.

- Dip it in the sauce.
Dip it in the sauce.

Yeah. Okay.

Good job, Little Joe.

Side of mayo. Side of mayo.

Hit it. Hit it.

Okay.

Okay, Big Joe. Come on.

You gotta want it. Come on, bud.

Come on Joe. Come on, Joe.

- Dad? Dad?

- we are out here
skiing kind of.

You're, you're
doing really good.

You're doing really
good, Big Joe.

Super, super proud of you.

Big Joe, my dude.

Little Joe, you did great.

Big Joe, how's your insurance?

I'm just, I'm just
funnin' with you.

Just, just take
it easy up there.

Remember what I showed you.

And you'll be king of the
bunny hill in, in no time.

Big baby on the bunny hill.

- How we doing, sir?
- Oh, good.

All right. Step right on up.

- Here we go, sir.

- Okay.
- Enjoy the ride.

- Yeah. Where is Dad?

Dad?

- That was more
like a bunny hill.

- Where the hell have you been?

We were worried sick.

We thought you slammed into
a tree or flew over a cliff.

- That'd be more dignified.

You know the Goliath
Mountain gives

every first-timer who
skis down the bunny trail

a little bunny
rabbit's foot thing.

- Oh. Yeah.

- Yeah. One of those.

- Where's yours?

- It's, uh, hopping
down some trail

in the forest somewhere.

- Let's go get dinner, huh?
- Yeah.

- We need all our strength

for tomorrow's tennis lesson
with McEnroe, remember?

Come on, kids.

- Uh, I just, I just
need to do something.

Just, uh, just...

- Whoa, whoa, where you going?

- Oh, I'll be back in a sec.

I, I, I'll, I'll see you soon.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'd like, like a photo please.

- Can I see your
Black Diamond badge?

- My what?
- Your Black Diamond badge.

You got one when you
completed the run, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I had one.

I think it flew off when I was
skiing down the ninth thing.

- Yes. Sorry, I can't take
your photo without the badge.

- Oh. Uh, mm, let's, uh.

- Hey, night skiing just
opened up. You wanna go ride?

- I am working.
- Oh yeah, that's great idea.

Oh, look, I, I, I, I
can take care of this.

You, you can go.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah. You guys
go have some fun

that's really dumb-
- All right, let's go.

Let's go.
- And stupid.

All right, here we go. Oh, uh.

Okay. Oh!

That's good.

I can't believe it.

Finally gonna get
a tennis lesson

by the number-one
tennis champion

of the world, John McEnroe.

- I hate to admit it,
but this is exciting.

- Is he that toe fungus guy?

- "For toes that play tennis."

- W-what are they talking about?

- He did a commercial
for toe fungus.

It had a cartoon of two
toes playing tennis.

The kids laughed.

- Okay, well let's
not bring that up.

It might not have been
McEnroe's finest moment.

- You're a bunch of losers!

- Especially you grandma.

- That's right. You never
once charged the net.

You know, you sat
back on the baseline,

you blamed everything on
your double hip replacement.

Unbelievable.

- What is that?

- I dunno. I'll be right back.

Hi.

I, I'm, I'm just
here with my family

for the tennis lesson.

I was just wondering, what
was that jungle gym thing?

What's the deal with that?

- Oh, the extreme ninja course.

- Yeah.

- Tennis isn't as
popular as it used to be,

so we had to roll with the times

and, and people love anything
extreme anyways, right?

- Uh, I heard that John
McEnroe was gonna be here.

I see a lot of people who
look and sound like McEnroe,

but I don't actually see-

- Yeah.
- John McEnroe.

- You heard right,

but you didn't.
- Uh, excuse me.

- It's John, Mac,
and Ro Dablonski.

They're our onsite tennis pros

And they're actually
fraternal triplets.

Their parents are big
fans of Johnny Mac

so, you know, named
them accordingly.

It does confuse
people sometimes.

Sir, sir, the clock is ticking

and I do not want
them mad with me.

Last time they made me
climb the extreme rope.

- You came here to play, right?

- Mac asked you if you
came here to play, did ya?

Yeah!

- We started this facility
in honor of one of

the world's all-time
tennis grades, Johnny Mac.

Again, if you've never
been here before,

please pay a visit to our
Johnny Mac tribute wall

where you'll find a wide array

of his original passion rackets.

- Uh, what's a passion racket?

- What's a passion?

It's a racket that
Johnny Mac sacrificed

for his passion for the game.

- Oh, you mean like
when he lost his shit?

- Ninja.

- Ninja? Why?

- Ninja course!

- For the rest of you,

let's line up and do a
return-and-serve drill.

- Let's go!
- Move!

- All right, let's
start with forehand.

- Crying out loud.

Next!

- Come on.

- Next!

- Ow!
- Yeah! Yeah!

You've got to be kidding!
- Come on.

- No, it's the, the grip.

I can't get a good...

You realize if Johnny Mac

made an excuse for every
time he missed a shot,

he would never have
gone toe to toe

with some of the
greatest of all time.

- Toe to toe, huh?

Yeah. He knows a lot about toes.

- Excuse me?
- Joe, don't.

- Oh, your hero Johnny Mac,

he knows a lot about toes.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I mean, toe fungus.
I mean, come on.

Who in their right mind
does a toe fungus commercial

with animated toes
playing tennis?

- Toejemina is a great product.

- Oh yeah. What's next?

You know, hemorrhoid
cream commercial

with like hemorrhoids running
around with tennis rackets?

Well, I'd love to see that.

- All right. That's
it, funny man.

You wanna endorse a
funeral home? Let's go.

- Oh gosh, don't look.

Don't look. Don't look.

- Oh, that had to hurt. Come on!

- Say it! Say it!

Hey, morons, meet my
little friend.

- Don't do that. Don't.
- Not the children!

You're disrespecting the game.

- How dare you
disrespect Johnny Mac?

- Yeah?
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.

He won seven Grand Slams.

He beat Borg and Connors
and Lendl and Gerulaitis!

- Is that another
form of toe fungus?

- I'm gonna get ya!
I'm gonna get ya!

Me win!

Remember, toe
fungus is nobody's fault.

Ask your doctor if
Toejemina is right for you.

- Mom, Dad.

- The crazy tennis
people are on TV.

- Area triplets,
tennis trainers,

and John McEnroe's biggest fans,

John, Mac, and Ro Dablonski

were placed under
observation today

after something in the
three offspring sprung

while giving lessons

at Goliath Mountain
Ski and Tennis Resort.

Video clearly shows
the Dablonskis

firing tennis balls at attendees

with high-velocity
ball machines.

While no fault has yet been
assigned to the Dablonskis,

it appears there is no love lost

between them and their students.

Now, let's see what Susie's
serving up in the weather.

- So are we finished yet?

- Finished?

- With that stupid
Christmas letter.

So far, the kids have
seen Santa gut a deer.

We ruined New Year's Eve for
untold millions of people.

And today they witnessed a
family of nut-job tennis pros

with an unhealthy
obsession for John McEnroe

have a major psychotic
breakdown, in unison,

over his role in a
toe fungus commercial.

- Yeah, but I, I, I,
couldn't control that.

I mean-
- No, you can't.

So then why are you trying
to control our lives?

- What do you mean?

- Is any of this real?

Where's your Black
Diamond badge?

Are you gonna put photos

of the attack of the ball
machine in the letter?

- No.
- No, exactly.

Because reality isn't
as pleasing as fantasy.

- But I mean, isn't it the
whole point is to show people,

I mean, how much fun
we've been having.

- We're not having fun.

- It hasn't been all
that bad, has it?

I mean, you've,
you've had some fun.

I mean, skiing and hanging
out with all the kids, I mean,

isn't that what it's all about?

I organized a, a special day

just for the two of us at a spa.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We're gonna get carp pedicures.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Carp like as, fish carp?

Yeah.

Yeah. So what you do is
you have a glass of wine

and you put your feet
in this little tub

and, and the carp come

and they eat all
your dead skin cells.

I mean, sounds kind of gross,

but you know, it's
doesn't hurt or anything.

It feels kind of tingly
and it's very therapeutic.

And you always complaining
about your heel thing.

So what do you think? It's
gonna be great, I think.

Who knew the carp would
be so hungry, huh?

- This is my kind of weather.

Yeah. Ope.

All right. Better get this.

- Michaels.
- Hello, Clive.

- Can you hear me, Joe?

- Yeah, I'm here.
- Yeah, sorry.

On the heli on the way to
Majorca for a boys' trip.

Sometimes I can't hear
over these damn rotors.

- Yeah, I have the same
problem with the rotor brakes.

- Well, we're excited for you

to join us for my birthday bash.

Still set to make the journey?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Ah, fantastic.

Well, Bono's confirmed

and we might even get a visit

from our family friend Charles.

- Like King Charles?

- The last time I saw him,

he was up the other
end of my tennis court

doubled over after I'd beat
his royal ass.

So how's the job going?

Seen any profit shares
or stock options yet?

- Yeah, well I was laid off
just before Christmas, so.

- Oh. Bad luck, Michaels.

I hope that won't stop
you from visiting us

and I trust you've got
a generous severance
package there.

- Yeah, yeah. I, I did.

In fact, I'm just here at the
Port of Miami with the family.

We're just about to
get on a luxury cruise.

- Yeah, well anyway, Michaels,
we're about to take off,

so I better be on my way.

You enjoy that and avoid
those tourist traps.

- Yeah, will do.

And, and look out for
those helicopter blades

so they don't, you know, cut
off your head.

Yeah, guess
the rest of you folks

are cruising with us down here.

All aboard for Bahama Mama.

You just have to climb down
here to the maintenance pier.

Bloody hell.

It's gonna be an adventure.

- Hey, John. John, wake up.

You know what day it is?

- It's day?
- Well, yeah, it's day.

But this is, we might get out

and be able to play
with Tiger Woods day.

Do I have to go?

- "Do I have to go?"

You're gonna miss out
on the opportunity

to play with golf's
living legend,

the one and only Tiger Woods.

You wanna sleep
through that? Come on.

- Isn't he that guy who crashed
his car into a fire hydrant?

- Yeah, that was, I don't know.

- Didn't his wife smash
all of his windows

with one of his golf clubs?

- No, no, I think she was trying

to get him outta the car
or something like that.

- He was only going
five miles an hour.

- What is this, CSI?

Come on, get out of
bed. This will be fun.

We'll play golf, we'll
Have a good time. Come on.

- I hope she's not there.

Don't worry about it.

This is supposed to be the
100 Acre Wood Country Club.

Where, where am I?

Oh.

Oh! my God, man, that stinks.

Um, excuse me, miss, miss.

Excuse me. I, I think
I'm, I'm a little lost.

I'm, I'm, I'm looking for
the 100 Acre Woods Golf Club.

- This is it. Or was it.

Now it's 10 Acre Woods.

- Oh, okay.

W- what? I don't understand.

What do you, what do you mean?

- A couple of years ago,
the owners discovered

there was natural
gas under the course

and sold it to Gas Co.

Now, they're fracking
the back nine.

Hey, hey, hey, and because
of the gas revenue,

get this, Gas Co. is kind enough

to give back to the community
and make it a public course.

- So this is it?

- It is now one of the most
challenging courses around.

- Oh my God.

- See that big tank over there?

- Mm-hmm.
- Filled with fracking fluid.

- What?
- Oh! And the ponds!

- They're on fire.

Why, why are they-

- Great use of
wastewater, right?

We have more water hazards here

than any other
course in the state.

Course, uh, if your
ball drops in one,

it's best to ask for drop.

- Uh-huh.

- Did we get in a car accident?

- Uh, no, no, it's fine.

Shh. We're on a golf
course, I think.

Um, yeah, look.

My son, my son and
I, we, we booked in

a, a private lesson with
a golfing professional.

I hear he is a bit
of a golfing legend.

- Tigger Woods.

- Don't you mean Tiger
Woods, right? Tiger Woods.

Golfing legend, wears
the green jacket,

drives into fire hydrants.

Yeah, it is a typo
in the thing here,

but I know you mean
Tiger Woods, right?

- No, it's Tigger.

I get why you thought
it was a typo.

I mean, what are the odds
of a guy who plays golf

being called Tigger Woods?

- Yeah. What are the odds.

Right.
- Anyway, uh.

- Ow!
- People aren't usually

too happy when they
find out about that.

- No.
- But, uh,

Tigger enjoys all the attention.

He's a happy guy anyway.

- Okay, great.

- Yeah. Speak of the devil.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, I'm Tigger.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

- So you must be what,
Christopher Robin?

- Robinson, actually.

Oh, and, um, you
got a little poo.

- Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Winnie the Pooh, Tigger,
Christopher Robin-son.

You guys are hilarious.

- I'm not really sure
what you're getting at,

but you're literally
standing in dog shit.

Aw, crap.

Why is there so much
dog shit everywhere?

Dammit!

Oh man.
- All right, so,

should we begin?

- Begin what?
- You mind being a?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Thank you. He's gonna
go get him something.

- Sure.
- Chop chop.

- Woo-hoo! That was fun.

- Gimme this. Yeah.

You wanna make sure you
have one of these babies

when you're playing
10 Acre Woods.

If not, you'll be gasping
like a perch on the pier

by the third tee.

Dad?

Yes, son.

- Is this what hell is like?
- Yeah, pretty much.

Ah, yes.

Joe!

Whoa, whoa.
- Rich.

What are you doing
delivering packages this way?

- Running behind.
Hope you don't mind.

- No, why would I mind?
That's, that's fine.

Look, let me get that for you.

So how did the little procedure
go with your, you know?

- That snip snip thing?
- Yeah.

- Oh, well it was
fine for a while.

- For a while? What do you mean?

- Yeah, my wife
got pregnant again.

- Oh.
- I mean,

I guess it didn't take.

You know, go figure.

And it, it stinks too

because now I gotta
bring the handyman back

to put an addition on
the house, you know,

to accommodate the kid.

And the guy's costing
me an arm and a leg.

- Mm. Wow.

- He spent 12 weeks
on our bedroom redo.

- Whoa.
- It's, it's just ridiculous.

But, you know, I can't complain.

The guy's a, he's a craftsman.

- Hmm. Okay.
- No, my wife can't say

enough about his
skills with wood.

- Oh, okay.

Well look, I hate to take
the packages and run,

but I think I left something on.

Maybe it's the oven.

- Well, thank you
for keeping me busy.

- Yeah, yeah. No thanks.

Thanks, Rich.
- And thank you too, Deb.

- Yeah. Okay, okay.

Thanks, Rich.
- Yeah.

- All right. All right.
- See ya.

- See ya.

Oh, what do you think?

This is our year.
This is our time.

We're gonna go to Clive
Hammersmith's party

and we're gonna live
it up on his dime.

- I'm just having
second thoughts, it's-

- No, it's fine.

People go across the Atlantic
on private jets all the time.

Besides, it's gonna look
great in the Christmas letter.

Woo-hoo.
Yeah, here we go.

- This is exactly what
I'm talking about.

- Is this all?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Do you need my ticket?

'Cause I bought it online
with the, the discount site.

It was a two-for-one
deal with a payment plan.

- Oh no, that's just fine.
I can, I can take that.

- Cool. Great.

Oh. Oh, ah.

Can I get a selfie
with everybody?

Yeah you can be in this. Yeah.

There we go.

Look at that jet. Look at that.

Awesome.

All right, let's
do it. Here we go.

- Have a nice trip.
- Thank you.

- This is nicer
than our bedroom.

- Oh, I wouldn't
go as far as that.

But it, it's pretty nice.

- This is molten hot!

Where do they heat
those, in the engines?

Get me another towel

that won't require plastic
surgery after I use it.

- Here you are, sir.
- About time.

I want to open my pores.

Open. Get it?

This, this tepid rag ain't
going to cut it honey.

No thanks.

- Someone needs to
shut this guy up.

He's being a real jerk.

- It's a long flight.

I don't need an
international incident, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

- Um, we're offering
a light snack

of either chicken
or avocado sandwich.

- Oh, I will have the chicken.

- Yeah, make it two, thanks.

Very good.

- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- I'll have the chicken too.

- I'm sorry sir,

but for some reason those
are the last two chicken.

- What!?

- Oh, you can have my
chicken sandwich if you like.

- Well give it to me then.

- Sure. Here.

- You're kidding, right?

- No, I mean those Icelandic
dudes were pretty cool.

- Well you're lucky.

Thank God those flight
attendants vouched for you.

Priscilla told them you
were a hero and Maggie said

you gave "that duffer a
right, good bollocking."

- Uh, yeah.

And look where it got us.

The trip was gonna be the icing

on the Christmas letter cake.

Our coup de gras,

or coop de grass, or
whatever you call it.

Oh, uh, do you want me-
- Go ahead.

Okay. Hi, Tony.

- Oh it's you.

I heard you grounded a
transatlantic flight.

Well, thanks for
putting my daughter

on the terrorist watch list.

Remind me never to
travel with you.

Probably end up getting
a cavity search.

- Yeah, probably.

But they still wouldn't
find your soul up there,

that's for sure.

- Put my daughter on the phone!

- Fine. Here's Krampus.

- Dad? Look, we're in
the middle of something.

Can I call you back? Okay.

You ever think that

what actually might make
your letter special,

the thing that will
truly make it stand out,

might not be about what
you've done for yourself,

but maybe about what
you've done for others.

It's the Christmas season, Joe.

What about doing something

that's not about
building up your own ego?

- Building. Building, yeah.

That's a great idea.

Why don't we build one of
those Homes for Humans?

- Now, that's a great idea.

- Yeah. 'Cause that's
what this letter needs.

It needs some heart.
- Yeah.

- The Hammersmith letter
has no heart at all.

- Well, no, but-
- Yeah. No, no.

- It's gonna be great.

So not only do we do cool
things for ourselves.

"Look at us." Yeah.

But we also do cool
things for others.

Yeah, I can see it now, the
before and after photos.

- Wait-
- There's us and we're,

"Oh, the Michaels are coming!"

And we're gonna build this house

for these poor people
and these homeless people

and they come in there
and they're all happy

and everyone's gonna
go "Look at this."

Oh my. Oh,
this is brilliant.

Deb, you might have just
saved the Christmas letter.

Yes.

Hi. We're here to
help build a house.

- Great. Martin Kennedy.

Can I get your last name?

- Uh, we're the Michaels.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Michaels,

I don't see your names
on the volunteer list.

- We're kind of being
a little spontaneous

and, you know, we
kind of got caught up

in the whole materialism
of everything

and I thought, you know,
I wanted to show the kids

what it's really all
about, giving back,

and what a better thing to do
and then help build a house.

- It's mighty nice
of you, Mr. Michaels.

And I would sure hate to ruin

such a wonderful
lesson for the kids.

- Oh, I appreciate that, Martin.

Can I call you Martin?
- Sure thing.

Uh?
- Joe.

Joe.

- Well is there
anything we could do?

Can you help us out?

- Yeah. Mr. Michaels,
you and the-

- Oh, call me Deb.

- Deb.

You and the kids can help out
over there with landscaping.

And Joe, I could
sure use some help

with some light plumbing.

- Great.
- I'm short a plumber,

our deadline's only
three days away.

You know how to
sweat a copper pipe?

- Uh, well, I know how to sweat.

So that's a start, right?

- Okay, well let me get you
set up over here and then-

- Wait, wait, wait.

Let me, uh, can I get a selfie,

just you and all of us
in front of the house?

- Okay, sure.

- Uh, say "cheese."

- Okay, formalities outta the
way. Now we can get to work.

- Great. Thanks again Martin.
- So much.

- Very well.

This is gonna be the bathroom.

Here's your torch.

Just press-

Oh, I better check that out.
- Sure.

Be right back.
- Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Oh!

Martin, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

I was only trying to help.

It was an accident.

I, I, didn't mean to
burn down the house.

Wait.

- What's up, Joe?

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, we were tweaking my
house, but, but then, you know.

- Well this is your house?

I burnt down your house?

- No, Joe. It's all
right. It's just a house.

It's gonna get rebuilt.

- I-I...

- Hey, everything
works out. Remember?

It's all good, man.

Take care buddy.
- I don't know what to say.

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Grandma! Grandpa!
- Oh! Hello!

How are you doing?
- Hi, pie.

- Oh, mom!
- Oh, look at you.

- You didn't need to
do that. Come on in.

Come on in.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- Missed you guys!
- Gosh.

- Muah!
- It's good to see you.

How tall are you now?

- I know Joe's lay off has
been hard on you, honey,

but you know, if you need
anything you call us.

- Thanks, Mom.

Need anything? She's
got everything.

No offense little baby girl.

But you gotta lay off
those shopping channels.

You know what QVC really means?

Quickly-vanishing cash.

Aw. Don't oh.

Speaking of vanishing cash.

What's this crap I hear about
you cashing out your 401k?

- I never said a word to him.

Mom!
- I'm sorry.

I just couldn't hold it in.

It just seems so crazy.

- Because it is crazy.

Who in their right mind blows
their retirement savings

just to live out their fantasies
to try and impress others?

Hm?
- Fantasies?

Tony, you're the one who wanted

to become a professional
baseball player

so you dipped into your savings

to pay for that
professional baseball camp.

Then you had to go
back to your savings

to pay for that lawyer

to get you outta
that Nolan Ryan case

that you were involved with.

- That's son of bitch
brushed me back.

- Well, you didn't have to
charge the mound, did you?

- Stop it.

Stop it.

I'm sorry. Honey, I just
needed to talk to someone.

You were so hell bent on
this big plan of yours

and I was worried
about our finances.

I needed to vent. That's all.

- Excuse me.

Mommy! Cookies are ready!

Okay, hold on.

Hold on it's hot. Be careful.

Dad, mail's here.

Bring it on up.

Our first Christmas card.

- Thanks, buddy.

Greetings from the Hammersmiths.

I hope you're well
and in good spirit.

As Christmas approaches,

you know I like to take time out

to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family

and I had the past year.

The highlight being
my big birthday bash.

- Joe.

Joe!

Joe, you can't do this, no.

Joe.

Joe, this is fiction
and you know it!

Joe!

Joe, please.

You can't send this, Joe.

- Deb, open the door.

I just wanna go to bed.

Thank you.

Come on.

Fine. I'll sleep
downstairs on the couch.

Then I can keep an eye out to
see if any packages arrive.

Oh! Really?

- So? Got it out of your system?

Oh yeah.

Well, almost.

Just as soon as I drop the
letter off at the post office.

- And that's it?
- Look, I know you're thinking

I'm being obsessed with
this Hammersmith letter,

but, I mean, what kind
of an example do I set

for you and the kids after
everything I've put you through.

- Uh, that you're not an idiot.

Look, you came up with this
idea, hair-brained idea,

because you lost your job.

I got that.

And I wanted to support you.

You wanted to do things
as a family and I agreed.

But the next thing I know,

we are doing things
no one wants to do.

We are trying to
shoehorn some form

of manufactured
happiness into our lives

while overlooking the real
happiness we already have.

And for what?

So you could prove something

that never needed proving?

Somehow this whole
living well idea

has morphed into a living hell.

- Yeah. but living well-
- Is the best revenge.

Yes. Great.

Revenge on everyone
and everything that
ever wronged you.

Go ahead, show them who
the bigger person is, Joe.

Prove to them you're
nothing like them.

Mm-hmm. G'ahead, send it.

- Yeah, I will. I will send it.

- You can't edit
reality like this Joe.

And if you send that letter,

you are no better than
Clive Hammersmith.

- Yeah.

You know, the one thing
I learned in advertising

is perception is reality.

With this letter,

I will be better than
Clive Hammersmith.

We, the Michaels, will be
better than the Hammersmiths.

- You send that letter, there
might not be a we anymore.

- You got it.

Hey, boss. How we doing tonight?

- Good.
- What can I get you?

- Can I just get
a, uh, craft beer?

- The closest thing we
got is a Utica Club.

- Okay. Utica Club sounds good.

Thanks. Hey.

- There we are.
- Thanks.

- Tough night?
- Tough year.

- Tell me about it. You
know, I got a story for you.

The past six months, I'm
fighting the health department

because they find one rat

and it's like they opened up
a federal case against me.

It's, it's...

You know what? Rats, they
love those, beer nuts.

Go figure.

So you're not out shopping

with all the other
morons tonight?

- Uh, yeah, I was thinking

of getting something
for my wife.

- Wife. Yeah!
- Wives.

What are you gonna get
your wife for Christmas?

- Uh, I'm not sure. She's not
really in a Christmas mood.

Do you ever get one of
those Christmas letters?

- Like a, like a Christmas card?

- No, it's a, it's
a Christmas letter.

It kind of opens
up like a novel.

These pictures of families
doing all these amazing things.

You know, jet skiing,
yachting, travel,

amazing life, you know,
all that kind of stuff.

- Every year I get this
letter from this guy

that I went to high
school with, right.

This jack hole.

The guy gets a patent for
anti-skid mark underwear, right?

The prince of skid marks.

I refuse to wear 'em.

- They don't work.
- They don't work.

Anyway, this guy, he
writes this letter

and he puts in this,
this, this picture

of his million-dollar
mansion, his fancy cars,

where he sends his
kids all over the...

You know where he send my kids?

To the end of the driveway
to take out the trash.

You know? Yeah.

- Don't you wish
you had his life?

- Nah.

Listen, I may not have
my, my name on a building

and my face on a stamp.

Heck, I don't even know
my own house. I rent.

But you know what? It's my life.

What's wrong with my life?

You know, what's
wrong with your life?

- Yeah.

What's wrong with my life?

That's a good point.

Yeah.

Thanks, uh, for
the conversation.

- Well, hey, where
you going buddy?

You got your beer?

You didn't tell me

what you're buying your
wife for Christmas.

- I'll send you a copy.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, pal.

- Are you and dad gonna
talk to each other again?

- I don't know, honey.

- Can Santa fix it?
- Honey.

- I know what.

I'm gonna ask Santa if
I can trade my presents.

- What for?

- You and daddy to laugh again.

- I wanna trade my presents too.

Oh.

- Hi, Catherine. Merry
Christmas to you too.

What?

Wonderful?

Are you sure it's our letter?

Okay.

Uh, I'll tell him.
We love you too.

Merry Christmas.

- Is everything okay?

- She wanted to wish
us a merry Christmas.

Hmm.

Hi, Uncle Harold.

Wait, I don't
understand because...

Aunt Martha cried
when she read it?

Yeah, well I cried when
Joe sent it, but...

Okay, I'll, I'll give him a hug.

You bet. Merry Christmas.

- Mail's here. I'll get it.

Oh.

Would you get that, John?

Mama more Christmas cards.

- It's Grandpa.

- Oh, tell him
I'll call him back.

- Dear family and friends,

this is my first ever attempt
at a Christmas letter.

Strike that. My second.

My first is in a dumpster.

Let's just say it wasn't written

in the true spirit of Christmas.

So you can think a Utica Club

and a very caring bartender
with a rat problem

from saving you from a fate
worse than Black Friday shopping

and saving you from

a horrendous narcissistic
Christmas letter filled

with nothing but
overblown boasts.

No, the following
is all too real.

Boring but real.

We didn't escape to any
remote sun-drenched islands,

attend the posh parties

or rub elbows with
the heads of state.

Our kids didn't shatter
records in sports or academics,

but they, you know,
they did us proud

by just doing their best.

None of us won any awards,

but Caroline did make me

the Greatest Dad
Award on Father's Day.

No weight was lost.

We may have even gained some.

We didn't make a
killing on stocks

or join any exclusive clubs,

but we did laugh a lot, though,

and talked with each
other almost every day.

None of us were ill or injured

and no one in our
respective families died.

We still have a
roof over our heads

and, uh, boundless optimism
for a better future.

This in spite of my job loss,
which happened a year ago.

And you know, really
was a blessing.

There could be nothing worse

than spending your entire
life hating what you do.

And I won't lie,
I, I hated my job.

The fact is, there's only one
job I've ever really loved.

That of being a good
husband, father, and friend.

Of all there is to see

and do in this
busy world of ours,

there is nothing more wonderful
than simply being alive

to share the
unending, undying love

of family and friends.

As my mom and dad
always used to say,

"We may not have much,
but we have everything."

Thanks for being part of
our everything this year.

Be of good cheer, and
merry Christmas to you all.

Love Joe, Deb,
John, and Caroline.

Looks like somebody opened
her Christmas present early.

- What is all this?

- Well, you know how you
like to order lots of things

and this is the one
way I can ensure

you get 'em all in one piece.

And besides Rich wanted
and some time off.

He's on paternity leave again.

- Bloody hell.

Well done, Michaels.