Original subtitles

We had the greatest day. I laughed at all of his jokes.

I did the whole, "you're so fascinating.

"Please continue talking about yourself" gambit.

I pulled out all the stops. He still hasn't called.

I'll take things I don't care about for $100, Alex.

Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Jamie, I really enjoyed the mayor's chat

with the transit authority commission last night.

It was a very effective speech.

Thank you.

Can you do me a favor and read this line I've circled there?

"We're all so very proud of our new unique...

"Unique New York, New York, Newark connector."

Took the mayor about 25 minutes to get through that.

You might want to start reading these things aloud,

especially with the arrival next week

of the six sikh sheiks from sheik-Al sham.

You're making that up, right?

Okay, next item.

The mayor's taping an episode of counterpoint tomorrow.

We will make sure that he is prepared.

Topic, superstores in urban centers.

Oh, I hate those stores!

Last time I went to one,

I got lost for the better part of a weekend.

Well, Paulie, that's why we tie a balloon to your wrist

before we send you down to the xerox room.

That builder center they opened up in Brooklyn

knocked out eight mom and pop hardware stores.

That's a good issue for us.

These stores are going to provide tax revenue to this city in the amount of...

Every year, it'll be...

Geez, we should know this.

In a second, Paul.

I want information.

Exactly how much money is the city's getting,

I wanna know how many jobs will be created,

I want... I want to know

what you're chokin' on, Paul.

Nothing. I got a tickle in my throat.

Paul's got the bug. We've all had it.

Not me. And you know why?

Because I take over 40 vitamins and minerals a day.

It's called a bowl of total, Stuart.

American's onto your little secret.

You all get sick because you're weak. Sickness is all up here.

The only thing that can fight off a virus is hearty resolve.

Are you with me, Paul?

I amb, bike.

Feelin' strong?

Got the strength of 10 men!

You like crackers and ginger ale? Love 'em.

Great. 'Cause you're about eight hours away

from wishing to god you could hold 'em down.

How you doin', honey?

Oh...

No, no, no, nothing to be afraid of.

Yes, there is. You're lying to me.

Not true.

You know Charlie Morris, right?

Yeah. He's debating the mayor tomorrow night on counterpoint.

Here it comes.

I'm replacing him on the show.

What happened to Charlie?

We like Charlie.

Charlie's easy to deal with.

Charlie likes a nice steak dinner.

Well, Charlie should lay off the red meat,

because Charlie went in for a double bypass this morning.

Okay, note to self,

cancel Charlie's cheese-of-the-month Christmas gift.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.

Hope it's not a problem for ya.

Oh, hey, it's not a problem for me. Why would it be?

Alrighty then.

One, two, three...

Hey, what are you, uh...

What do you know about superstores, anyway?

You mean besides what I learned

during my four-part series on them last week

that you told me you watched and loved?

I taped them. And I'm planning on loving them.

Hello, Michael. Ms. schaeffer.

No. You can understand if I don't feel comfortable

consorting with my opponent?

I'm just kidding. Just kidding. That's my game face, you see.

Pretty good, huh? Huh?

Want to see the other side?

Nikki Faber, you want to talk to me about something?

You see? I didn't have to say a word. You knew.

This is why I come to you. You are so sensitive.

Ah, yes, sensitive.

That's hetero-speak for gay.

No. I'm just saying you know how men think

because you are one, but you also date men,

so you also understand what a woman has to deal with.

Let's face it. You're homosexual, but you're bi-helpful.

Fair enough. What's your problem?

He still hasn't called.

Well, I'm sorry. I really am.

Nope. Nope. I need more than that. I need to know why.

Okay, give me a minute.

Wait. I'm getting something...

I'm getting something.

Uh, he's walking past a phone.

He... he stops! He stops!

He's dialing your number.

The phone should be ringing right about...

Now!

Oh, how cool that would have been if that had happened.

Forget it.

Hey, come on. Just trying to cheer you up. Come here.

Poor Nikki.

Yeah. I wonder

if that guy has any idea how much she likes him.

Come on. How could a guy not know when a girl was into him?

I really like your sweater, James.

Thanks.

My old girlfriend gave this to me.

God, she was hot.

Mike,

my worst fear has been confirmed.

Coughing in my face was your worst fear?

No. That tickle has blossomed into full-blown influenza.

I got the shakes, the chills...

Paul, you could tell me you had the boogie-woogie fever.

I'd still drag you in there by your tongue.

I can't talk.

I feel like somebody stuck a hairdryer in my mouth.

Go take care of yourself. Drink a bottle of moisturizer or something.

It's just a daily briefing. I think I can handle it.

Oh, you're a very kind and generous man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go home. You count that as a sick day.

Bless you, sir.

Good afternoon, class. My name is Mr. Flaherty.

I'll be your substitute press secretary for the afternoon.

Let's kick off with some questions.

Yes.

Mike, any truth to the rumor that the mayor's office

is considering changing city zoning laws to bring in superstores?

No comment.

Meaning that you haven't done anything, or you're withholding information?

Surprisingly, I have no comment on my no comment.

Okay, let's move on.

The city hall Santa claus will be in the lobby

all this week between the hours noon and 3:00 P.M.

Between noon and 3:00. Where do those hours leave working mothers

who want to take their kids to visit Santa?

You'll have to check with Mrs. claus

regarding Santa's schedule.

We have him from between noon and 3:00 P.M.

So, you're leaving them no other option?

Perhaps they can visit one of the other 700,000 Santa clauses

in New York City. We have him between noon and 3:00.

Are there any other questions? Please, someone else.

Why don't you just call him?

I can't. I'm not a caller. I'm a callee.

I go out on a date. I come home.

I listen to my messages. It's a very nice life.

But to be a caller? No way!

You make that first phone call,

it's all down hill from there.

Next thing you know, you got a thousand cats, you're living in Brooklyn.

Can I borrow you for a second?

If you want any more superstore facts,

ask someone else, because super Carter is super tired.

I'm sorry about that. No. Check that.

I'm super sorry about that. It'll just take a sec.

Hey, Nikki, you feeling a little better?

Oh, yeah. Carter's really helping me out.

What is it about men, James?

Uh, you're going to have to be a little more specific.

All right. Why is it if a guy likes somebody,

he can't just pick up the phone, call 'em, let 'em know?

Hey, I like somebody, I'd tell them I like them right away.

And if someone likes me, I'd want to know as soon as possible.

Some people call that desperate.

I prefer needy.

You have no idea how adorable you are, do ya?

Why can't I find a guy like you, James, huh?

Bye, Nikki.

Maybe... Maybe I went a little too far

with the whole Santa claus thing.

But I'm telling you, when I saw you come out there,

I felt like I was at a shooting gallery.

Every time your little duck head popped up from behind that podium...

Ooh! Ping! Ping! Ping, ping, ping, ping!

God, it was fun!

Oh, yeah, it was a hoot.

You have any idea how much damage you've caused?

Thanks to you, Paul's pulling the night shift next week in a Santa suit.

The only thing those kids are going to get

for Christmas is a wet, hacking cough.

Worst part is, you're down there doing all the shooting,

and I'm up there dodging the bullets.

I wish, just once, the shoe was on the other foot.

I wish I got to ask you the questions.

Uh, Mike, it's Randall.

I've come down with that thing Paul's got.

I'm too sick to do that TV show. I'm sorry,

but you're going to have to fill in for me.

Okay.

Now I wish I'd win the lottery.

Huh. Nothing.

Well, I'll just have to settle for taking you down.

Bring it on, lover.

Carter, have a minute? Something important's going on.

I know. Mike's going to war.

He's not going to let us rest until we get him 100% prepared.

Yeah. You think Nikki likes me?

Likes you as in as a coworker, or likes you or as in

"this is going to be the longest conversation of my life"?

Nicky said, "why can't I find a guy like you, James?"

And who's more like James than James? Oh, boy.

Here she comes. If you hear anything, let me know.

Okay, James.

I'm telling you, Mike, this is all the information

we have on superstores.

Everything there is to know is condensed into this little, tiny...

Ten thousand pound book?

Would you like some help with that?

No, no. My arms are just tired.

I worked out at the gym this morning.

You know what, Mike, I could organize all the facts

so that it's easier for you to follow.

See, I believe in paying attention to details.

Uh, whether it's the exact number of new jobs

that superstores generate for the city, or, uh,

timing the perfect dinner, so it coincides with sunset.

Your shirt's buttoned wrong.

Damn!

Mike, we've been at this since 6:00 this morning.

Maybe you've got enough information.

That's impossible. My mind is like a machine,

and it can store an endless supply of facts.

I can spit 'em out on demand.

Stuart, your birthday is may 24, 1964.

Nikki, your mother's maiden name is shaunessy.

James, you had an erotic dream about Barbra Streisand.

Mike, that was our secret.

No, no. The secret part was she was dressed up as yentl.

Mike, I've looked over Ashley's tapes,

and she doesn't have a lot of weaknesses.

However, I may have found an achilles' heel.

For some reason

she seems to care deeply about you.

I'll give her my hurt face.

She always caves in when I give her my hurt face.

Exactly. And if you get in any real trouble,

may I suggest leaning across the table,

and discreetly threatening to break up with her. Hi, Ashley.

Hey. Look at this!

A binder full of data, an overworked staff,

and a very tense deputy mayor. All for little me?

Well, Mr. Flaherty, I do declare, this war's already over.

Oh, no, this war hasn't even begun.

See this book? Ash, everything in here

is in here.

Well, good luck.

I just want to say it's been nice knowing you.

You're an excellent dancer. You make wonderful soups,

and I really enjoyed that weekend in bucks county.

I appreciate that, Mike, and, uh, by the way,

we never went to bucks county.

Sorry.

Got a lot of stuff up here.

Oh, sorry, sir. I didn't think you were coming in today.

Shouldn't you be at home resting?

Probably, but Helen didn't want me getting the help sick.

They're very important to her.

I'm sure the help appreciates it.

Probably be reflected in your Christmas bonus.

You're preparing hard for that debate with Ashley, huh?

Oh, yes, sir. We're going to make us proud.

I'm sure you will.

Care to take a little walk down memory lane with me, Mike?

Uh... how...

How long a walk do you think that'll be, sir?

'Cause I got this TV thing.

Look at this here.

That's me in high school.

Prom night.

College days, uh...

Oh, there's me and my fraternity brothers on luau night.

Nice grass skirt there, sir.

Would you look at where you're holding that tiki torch?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, sir, I probably should just hang on to this

until you retire from politics.

There's a lot of memories in this thing, Mike.

Who's that?

That's Valerie horn,

the one that got away.

Old flame, huh, sir?

She was the tennis coach at my club the summer

that I graduated from college.

And, um...

Well, when we met, the attraction was instant.

And by the third set, we'd fallen in love.

Wow, that's a...

That's a beautiful story, sir.

Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl.

Deputy mayor's late for a television appearance.

Sadly, that's when the competition kicked in.

The friendly games became more and more hotly contested.

At one point, I tattooed her thigh with an overhead that...

Pssh!

Did you at least give her that little

"it's all right" wave?

On match point, I finished her off with an ace.

I was so happy

I tossed my racket up into the air,

and as I was waiting for it to come down,

she walked off the court and out of my life forever.

You think the competition drove you apart?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it did.

But that was a long time ago, Mike.

Sir, uh, Valerie...

Mmm-hmm?

Well, what's she doing now?

She went on to become the most famous

lesbian tennis player on the eastern seaboard.

Maybe he's right. I never thought

that competition was a problem between Ashley and me,

but lately, it's been spilling over so much into our personal life.

To an outsider, it probably looks more like a contest than a relationship.

But I could be overreacting. I don't know. What do you think?

I'm sorry, Mike, I can't hear a word you're saying.

My ears are packed with fluid.

Thanks for the help, Paul!

What?

I don't even think James knows I exist.

Why don't you try sitting next to him and talking to him

until he loses the will to live?

You're so silly.

I just want to know if you think that I should tell him.

Yes!

For god's sake, please tell him now.

I can't!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you rushing off to?

Mike's show comes on in an hour.

That's not what you're here to talk about, is it?

No. No, no, no. Big development.

Nikki asked me to buy her a drink.

What do you think I should get her?

I don't know. How about a drink?

That's the thing. She said "surprise me."

Serve it to her naked.

Well, I did it. I'm a caller.

There's no shame in that. What happened?

Got the machine. Jeff, Amy, and the kids aren't home right now.

Please leave a message after the beep.

Well?

I think it's obvious.

Jeff and his sister Amy run an orphanage.

James, whatever you're getting me, make it a double.

Sounds like you're getting an earful, buddy.

You must get this all day long.

Oh, yeah. When I go home to my girlfriend

and want to talk about it,

it's the last thing she wants to hear.

Mmm-hmm.

I think she's leaving me.

Listen to this.

I come home, and there's a guy on the machine...

Now, what is even more galling

is while the government claims to be acting

in the best interests of the people,

they completely ignore the fact

that neighborhoods and businesses will be destroyed.

And that's just irresponsible.

Strong words. Counterpoint, Mr. Flaherty?

It's a complex issue.

Reasonable people are going to disagree.

Scathing retort.

Do you dare rebut, Ms. schaeffer?

Well, I'm sure as Mr. Flaherty is aware,

that a superstore invasion will cause a traffic nightmare,

pollute the air, and decimate small businesses,

destroying people's lives.

If that doesn't deserve a counterpoint, I don't know what does.

Mr. Flaherty? Well?

Owen, it's a free country.

What am I going to do, criticize her 'cause she's got an opinion?

Well, that's, uh...

That's kind of what we do on this show.

Um...

Why don't we think about that during this commercial break?

And clear.

Excuse me, I'm going to go wake up the crew.

Well, hey. I think it's going great. What do you think?

Are you kidding? I'm walking all over you.

This isn't a rehearsal. The cameras are rolling.

Yeah, well, maybe I decided it isn't healthy

for us to be fighting all the time.

It sounds to me like you're just not prepared.

From 1974 to 1994, the city lost 50,000 jobs in retail employment,

while those in the suburbs gained 204,000.

Superstores will create 13,000 jobs and generate

more than $100 million in excess tax revenue.

But that's not the point.

I need to know that our relationship can survive this.

Honey, we always fight.

Not like this, not in public, you know?

It's not like some boggle game at home,

where sometimes I win and sometimes you win.

Mike, you never win.

I just want to know

that you're not going to end up a lesbian tennis player in Rhode Island.

Okay, Mike, I'm trying to follow you here.

But all I can say is that I love the way we are.

I love that we don't back down from each other.

And I love being with someone who keeps me on my toes.

And I love that you're not threatened by a strong woman.

And I love that you believe that.

So, what's the problem?

I don't know, maybe there isn't one.

You're telling me it wouldn't bother you

if I said your pollution theory was completely specious?

Ooh, a $5 word!

Somebody has been thumbing through their dictionary!

It is going to be so much sweeter beating

you now that you're going to be trying.

Uh-huh, see? Therein lies your problem.

Beating me when I'm trying. Can't be done.

Wait a minute. The other day, when we were...

I wasn't trying.

What about when we were skiing...

I felt bad for you and let you win.

When that red light goes on,

I'm going to knock that smirk right off your face.

Do you have any idea how sexy you are to me right now?

I want you so bad.

And we're back.

Oh! Um...

Okay. Are you folks ready?

See, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about

huge plastic containers filled with malted milk balls

for, like, 99 cents.

Ugh!

I can't breathe. I can't breathe through my nose.

Oh! My throat is so sore,

I can barely breathe through my mouth.

I'm sicker than you.

Mike, I'm telling you that my sinuses

are so congested, I feel like my head is going to explode.

You're lucky.

If I had what you had,

I'd be snapping my fingers with joy.

But I have what I have.

So, my joints are so swollen, I can't.

Mike, let's call a truce. I love you, honey.

I love you too.

Don't go kissing me.

Why? Because I'm sicker than you?

I win.

James?

Nikki?

James.

Karen?

I am so sick of straight people.