Original subtitles

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

Today is a tragic day for Canada.

Thousands of Canadians have gathered to mourn

the passing of their beloved mother.

The Queen is dead.

The Queen is dead ♪

Every Canadian everywhere

is feeling absolute emptiness right now.

Oh, God, she's dead ♪

And now the casket is brought down the aisle

with the Queen inside.

The Queen's body being carried by the royal guard.

What a horrible day for Canada and therefore the world.

Not the Queen ♪

She is dead ♪

Ike, the Queen died like four months ago.

You gotta let it go.

And here comes Canada's most beloved musician,

Sir Smelly John.

Yes, Smelly John is sitting down at the piano

with a tribute for the Queen, I believe.

♪ Goodbye, queefy Queen ♪

♪ Seems as though you've queefed your last queef ♪

it's my turn to use the computer.

Ike, me and my friends are playing "Darktide" right now.

Get off! Fuck you, Kyle!

Oh, and now people are starting to stare angrily.

Y-Yes, it looks like the Prince and his new wife

have just shown up.

The Prince and his wife have, of course,

been bashing the Canadian monarchy.

A lot of Canadians hate them now.

Oh, and I belive the Earl of Halifax

has just farted on the Prince's wife's face!

The Prince seems to have taken offense to this.

Oh, this is bad now.

Ike, I'm playing "Darktide" with my friends.

No, get off me!

Hey, guys.

Kyle, dude, where were you last night?

Yeah, we were all waiting.

I haven't been showing up for things, but--

but I got screwed by my little brother.

He just keeps crying about the Queen.

And then there's this Prince and his wife

and they're bashing the Canadian monarchy.

I guess it's like people don't even know

why they showed up to the funeral

But, anyway, I'm really sorry I ruined game time for everyone.

You didn't ruin it for anyone. We played without you.

What? Y-You guys, we-- we said we'd all level up together.

Well, yeah, we're all like level 12 now.

We got some sweet drip, dude.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

But this isn't fair, it wasn't my fault.

Hey, guys. Did you get to upgrade your rifle, Stan?

Yeah, it's got a lot better range now.

What about you?

I kept the same gun, but I got some sweet drip.

Nice, sweet drip, dude.

It stinks, doesn't it?

What stinks?

When people make certain judgements about you.

I've been watching you, Kyle,

and I can see you're having some problems with your brand.

My brand?

Some kids call it your credibility

or your reputation,

but those things are just little parts

of something much more important--

your brand.

Think about it, Kyle.

Who are you?

I'm just-- I-I'm just me.

See? You don't know what your brand is.

So how is anyone else supposed to know?

It's like a commercial for Kyle,

but you're not putting a label on the jar.

Butters, this seems very out of character for you.

That's because I've been workin' on my brand.

My parents saw that my brand wasn't working with people

so they sent me to brand management.

Brand management?

Hi, Mr. Davis.

Well, Butters Stotch. How you doing there, Butters?

How's the brand going?

I made two new friends, and a girl asked me

to help her with her homework.

Well, there ya go there, Butters.

My friend Kyle here was thinking of reworking his brand a bit,

and I told him maybe you could help.

Oh, well, sure there, Kyle,

let's just get you to fill out a CumHammer survey,

and then we'll go in the back

and come up with some options for ya.

it's "Good Morning, Canada."

It has been several months now

since our beloved Queen has died.

All Canadians are finding it hard to go on.

All Canadians, that is, except for our first guests,

The Prince and his wife.

We want privacy! We want privacy!

Thanks for having us on the show.

It's so awesome to be here. It's great.

So let me start with you, sir.

You lived a life with the royal family,

you had everything handed to you

but you say your life has been hard,

and you've written all aboot it in your new book, "Waaagh."

Yes that's right, fwiend.

You see, my wife and I are--

I was totally like, "You should write a book

'cause you're family's, like, stupid,

and then so are, like, journalists."

So you hate journalists?

That's right.

that reports on the lives of the royal family.

Right.

So you're a journalist.

We just want to be normal people.

All this attention is so hard.

Isn't it true, sir, that your questionable wife

has her own TV show and hangs out with celebrities

and does fashion magazines?

What are you suggesting?

Well, I just think some people might say

that your Instagram-loving bitch wife

actually doesn't want her privacy.

How dare you, sir!

My Instagram-loving bitch wife has always wanted her privacy!

And you know what else? To hell with Canada.

We are leaving.

We'll go find some quiet place

where we can be normal people.

Come on, wife.

We want privacy! We want privacy!

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

We want privacy! We want privacy!

♪ It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ 'Cause we want some privacy ♪

♪ It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Because we need some privacy ♪

♪ It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪

We want privacy! We want privacy!

♪ The Worldwide Privacy Tour is coming soon to your town ♪

♪ We're coming soon to your town, give us privacy ♪

We want privacy! We want privacy!

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ 'Cause we want some privacy ♪

♪ It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Because we need some privacy ♪

Alright there, Kyle, we got your survey answers,

and I think we've put together some great ideas for your brand.

I understand you want people to like you more

and think you're cool.

Is that right?

Alright, well, let's see how this brand works for you.

We got... Kyle-- Rugged. Vegan. Compassionate. Victim.

I-- I don't think that's really me.

Well, that's fine 'cause there's a lot of different

brands people are attracted to. How about this one?

Kyle-- Sensitive. Outdoorsy. Frugal. Victim.

I'm not-- I'm not that outdoorsy.

Okay, well, remember there, Kyle,

it's not so much about who you are as much as it is

about what people are attracted to, okay?

So let's see, how about this?

Kyle-- Wealthy. Handsome.

Multi-talented Grammy Award-Winning. Victim.

Oh, that-- that one's taken already.

Sorry. Hold on.

Just a minute, Kyle.

We're gonna find a good one here for you.

You'll see, Kyle.

When you have your brand up and runnin,'

no one can stop you.

Look at this town. There's just something about it.

Oh, darling. I think this might be the place.

You really think so?

It's so quiet and empty here.

If we moved here, then people would think

we're really serious about wanting to be normal.

It does seem perfect, doesn't it?

We can have a fresh start here.

Lead a normal life and have babies.

Can we? Can we really move here and finally have our privacy?

My love, I will do anything for your privacy.

The couch goes in the first room!

Ay, be careful with that TV, buddy!

Drum set goes on the second floor.

Wait. Put it down.

I want to make sure it isn't damaged.

What the hell?

Hey! Hey, you!

Hey, what are you looking at?!

You ever heard of privacy?!

What?

You guys, I am so sorry.

I totally was going to play with you guys online

but the Prince of Canada and his wife

moved in across the street from me.

They have this huge jet parked in front of my house

and then they kept trying to get me to buy their stupid book

and-- and, anyway, I'm sorry I messed up another game night.

It's okay, dude, we had a great time.

Yeah, we are literally dripping with drip.

Well, I just want you guys to know

that I am a reliable, fun-loving, punctual victim.

'Kay, well, we gotta get to class.

I'm really working on myself!

You're gonna like what you see!

CumHammer Head Guy: As a child, you see the world in a different way.

You see the wonder in nature, and you're starting to learn

more about yourself all the time.

And you're learning that there's something more important

than you ever thought-- your brand.

It's what defines you.

And with brand management, you can make sure

others see you the way they want to see you.

Welcome to your CumHammer Work tutorial.

You are taking the first steps to making your brand

a great one.

By now you've received your workbook

and also your brand slide tool

and CumHammer social-media drive

which will be used in this video.

Now, if you're ready, let's start the exercises

on page five of your workbook.

Yeah!

Respect our privacy!

Leave us alone!

Down with the monarchy!

We just want our privacy!

God, fuck these people!

Why are we so mad today?

Because we want our privacy!

Park County Police Station. What's your emergency?

Yeah, the neighbors across the street are setting off fireworks

and it's 10:30 at night!

Oh, is it the Prince of Canada and his wife,

who just want to be left alone?

Yes.

They're being super loud, and I'm trying to work on my brand!

Oh, God damn it.

Now the prince is playing polo on the lawn!

We are here because privacy is a basic human right.

How many more princes and his wives

have to live in this nightmare?

Hey, can you two fucking keep it down?!

Oy!

You ever heard of a thing called "privacy"?!

Yeah, nobody gives a shit.

Will you two just shut up, and go away?!

It seriously is driving me crazy!

The prince plays drums all day. I don't think he even has a job.

And I don't know what the hell she does.

Why they even left Canada is beyond me.

And, like, she seems to just boss him around,

and make him do whatever she wants.

I mean, why did they even leave Canada

and move to South Park, anyway?

Stan, are you gonna say something?

You say it.

Say what?

Look, Kyle...

We just kinda don't care about some dumb prince

and his stupid wife.

I don't care about them either!

So, then why do you talk about them all the time?

Dude, we're just kind of sick of hearing about them.

I'm sick of hearing about them!

But I can't get away from them!

They're everywhere! In my fucking face!

Yeah, and now you're putting 'em in our fucking face.

Fine, I won't talk about them anymore.

Thank you.

Okay, just one last thing-- did you know the prince sleeps-

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

The problem with you is you want results without the work.

You can't just say you're a certain thing,

and then expect people to just like your brand.

You gotta work it, sell people on it.

But I just don't feel like my brand

is who I really am on the inside.

You know, Kyle, some people think

it's what's inside you that matters.

But people can't see inside you.

They can only see what kind of drink you're drinking.

That's what matters.

I guess so.

Now, I'm gonna help you with a new brand,

but you've got to work on it.

What do you want your friends to think about you?

I want them to think I'm not gonna complain about things,

I'm more thick-skinned.

Okay. This is good. This is good.

And I want people to think I'm stronger, mentally,

than I probably am.

Okay. Okay. I think we got it.

People are gonna love this.

Kyle-- he's a thick-skinned, super cool,

nothing bothers him victim.

I just don't know if I can--

You're goin' off brand already!

Remember, no matter what, nothing bothers you.

I don't care. Don't care.

What the hell? What'd he just say?

He victimized me!

It's because I'm an ethnic woman!

He can't do that! I'll see--

Wait, you're ethnic? This is an outrage!

We'll just see how he deals with my blue penis!

Hey!

Have some respect for this privacy!

Don't worry, my love,

he's not gonna get away with this.

Hey, guys! How you doin?!

Good. How are you?

I'm great. Got some good sleep last night.

Just letting' things roll right off my back, you know?

'Cause that's the kind of guy I am.

Cool.

Hey, do you guys wanna play Darktide after school?

Or if not, whatever. I'm cool either way.

Yeah, I'm sure we can figure that out.

Cool. Whatever. I'm care-free and unflappable.

I'll catch you guys at lunch!

Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.

Do you like it?

Uh, Sure.

Thanks, Jimmy.

But you know, I really need to thank a good friend.

He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person.

Have you seen Butters?

Butters? Oh, sure.

He's out on the playground,

getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.

What?

Mother! Fucker!

Don't ever say that shit again!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell is going on?!

I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up,

and started talking shit to me!

Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive,

so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.

Who do you even think you are?!

You want some more of this, you dumb slut?

Butters, what are you doing?

This isn't you.

Hey, Kyle, will you relax.

You're kind of fucking up my brand.

Okay, that does it-- come on, Butters.

You're going back to CumHammer.

You're lucky he saved your ass!

Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

The most important thing about your brand is being flexible.

We want to make sure you're completely satisfied.

You say you're having some problems?

That's right!

There's this horrible spy

who lives across the street from us,

and we're gonna get him back by changing our brand!

All right.

And I do see you're in our database,

but you didn't first get help at this CumHammer location?

No.

My wife went to one in California as a child.

Ah. Okay.

Then you must be in the national system.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this you?

"Sorority girl, Actress, Influencer, Victim."

Yeah. That's totally me.

Okay. I see.

And then, you added your husband

to your Friends and Family account.

You must be the "Royal prince, millionaire,

world traveler, victim."

That's right.

Come on, Butters.

Hello?

Oh, hey there. Just gimme a minute.

I'm with some other clients right now, there, Kyle.

Uh, no. This is an emergency.

We need to talk to--

Oy! Do you mind! Stop invading--

It's him!

What the hell are you doing here?

You just can't leave us alone, can you!

Oh, my God, he's so obsessed with us.

I'm not obsessed with you.

It's this stupid place!

Don't you see, Butters?

Teaching people to think of their brand

just makes more people like them.

This whole thing is wrong.

They're telling you guys to reduce yourselves into products

instead of people to be truly understood and loved.

Don't you guys want people to like you for you

instead of who they want you to be?

Look, we all have our faults. God knows I do.

But if we just try to present and control an image of us

for people to see, then, we're just performers

instead of human beings.

He's right.

Trying to make ourselves into a brand

just turned us into products.

We don't need to be a brand, do we?

If it's truly what we want,

then we really can get away from it all.

No more magazines and Netflix shows.

We really can live a normal life.

Yes, I'm sure you agree, darling.

We can be the people we talked about being,

with no more worries about how we look

or the image we project to people.

What matters is what we have on the inside.

Hello?

Come on, Butters. Time to go home.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Now, hey.

Don't make a decision you might all regret.

Yeah, come on, honey. We don't need this place.

Honey?

The queen is dead.

What a sad day for Canada-- and therefore, the world.

Ike, I need to use the--

Oh no, not again.

She's still dead.

Ike, I have to get on the computer.

The Queen's been dead a long time.

Ike, I have to get on with my friends!

If I don't, they're gonna think I'm...

It's okay.

Things get to you.

It's who you are.

Oh. Hey, guys.

Hey, dude. Uh...

We thought maybe you could do with a little outside time.

Really?

We just thought it'd be good to get you out of the house.

You seem to bee going through a lot lately.

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

Thanks, guys. I'd love to play.

Oy! Oy!

Could, uh...

Could I play?

Sure. You can play.

Great!