All language subtitles for S00E48 - South Park (Not Suitable for Children) (2023)

♪ ♪

(alarm ringing)

♪ ♪

(exhales)

INFLUENCER (over video):
Cred has more electrolytes

than Gatorade or Prime.

And now Cred has a new flavor:
Cherry Bubblegum.

Eric, do you really need
to bring three bottles

of that drink to school?

Mom, a kid today is defined
by their hydration drink.

I have to have more Cred
than anyone else.

♪ ♪

♪ I got Cred, bitches ♪

♪ I got Cred ♪

♪ I got Cred, bitches ♪

♪ I got Cred ♪

♪ I got Kiwi Lime ♪

♪ I got Gooble Grape ♪

♪ You got no Cred, bitches ♪

♪ But I got mine ♪

♪ We got Cred, bitches,
we got Cred ♪

♪ Our teeth are blue, bitches ♪

♪ Our tongues are red... ♪

CARTMAN:
Yeah, but it's, like, seriously,

look at how it's suddenly
everybody now.

Like that Spencer Hollis kid.

He never even cared about Cred,

he just drinks it
'cause some stupid influencer

said it's cool now.

Hey, hey, Clyde,
where's your Cred?

Oh, um, it's in my...
I-I already drank it.

See? That's what
I'm talking about.

Clyde likes Cred so much that
he drank all his before noon.

That's a real Cred drinker.

Unlike all the poser
Cred drinkers

like Spencer Hollis!

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Spencer,
you're a fucking poser!

STRONG WOMAN:
It's literally everywhere now.

These crazy hydration drinks
that say they're healthy,

but are loaded with fake sugars
and not safe for children.

Why now? Why are kids
suddenly so into these things?

Online influencers.

They promote this stuff to kids
to make money.

I don't know what kind of
scumbags would push adult things

- on something they know
kids will watch. - (pounding on door)

You guys, we have a big problem.

- What is it?
- It's about the South Park

elementary art teacher.

Mrs. Streibel? What about her?

We just found out
that she's been...

doing pornographic videos
on OnlyFans.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

There's gonna be
a big meeting tonight,

and everybody's gonna see it.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(indistinct shouting)

Everyone, let's try
to be civil here.

Be civil?
How are we supposed to go home

and explain to our children that
their art teacher is a slut?

(agreeing chatter)

She is not a slut.

Mrs. Streibel is a woman
engaging in a legal activity

on a website
that is for adults only.

(angry shouting)

Of course kids are gonna see it.

- They see everything
on the Internet. - (agreeing chatter)

Well, the problem is you guys
buy your kids phones, okay?

Just like you buy them all these
unhealthy hydration drinks.

Oh, don't turn this
around on us.

We can't control
what our kids drink

or what they watch.

They're your kids.

Many teachers
are struggling to get by

and need ways to supplement
their income.

Mrs. Streibel makes close
to minimum wage as a teacher,

but on OnlyFans, she makes
an extra $10,000 a week.

(indistinct shouting)

It doesn't matter
how much she made,

we're talking about someone
who influences our children.

Did she say $10,000 a week?

Listen, we have suspended

Mrs. Streibel indefinitely,
okay?

But over the next few days,

you should probably talk
to your kids

about what they might
have seen, m'kay.

Uh, hey, Clyde, w-why don't you
come over here and have a seat?

What?

Uh, have a seat, pal.
We need to talk to you.

Clyde...

we're understanding
that some tough things

have been going on at school.

Yes. Yes, they have.

All right, well, we know
that some of the stuff

you're dealing with
might be kind of disturbing.

Yes, it's totally disturbing,
yes.

All right, Clyde, well,
we want to try and help you.

Really? You do?

Oh, thank God. Finally.

Yeah, pal,
let-let me explain to you

what "double penetration" is.

Double penetration?

See, in your art teacher's
OnlyFans page,

her and two men,
who love each other very much,

wanted to express that love...

Dad, nobody cares
about double penetration.

My life at school is awful
because you don't let me drink

hydrating sports drinks
like all the other kids.

Clyde, we've told you,
those things are filled

with additives and fake sugar,

and they're not good
for children.

You're not even
my real mom, Janice,

so why don't you
shut the fuck up?

Clyde, that's enough.

Every other kid at school
is allowed to have it.

They all have Cred,
but I have zero Cred

because my dad
and his stupid girlfriend

think it's bad for me.

Why do you want to be
like all the other kids?

Shut up, Janice,
you're not my mom!

All right, Clyde, we're trying
to have a nice talk with you

about double penetration,

and you can just go
to your room now.

Fine!

Thanks a lot
for making sure your son

is the only kid in school
without any Cred!

INFLUENCER (over video):
It's like nobody understands me, you know?

Like, all these stupid boomers
and people over 40

don't know how hard it is
for young people.

- Yeah.
- Like, yo, if you guys

feel the same way,
just leave a comment down below

and smash that like button.

You know, the most important
thing is just to be yourself.

And when I feel like
I can't be myself,

that's when I need a hydration
drink that'll pick me up.

- That's when I need Cred.
- (groans)

INFLUENCER:
It's the coolest sports drink in the world.

Cred is 100% sugar-free.

Cred has electrolytes
so you can ride your bike.

And also,
Cred has more vitamin A

than your body
could possibly ever use.

I can't feel my face.

Drink Cred
or you're a piece of shit.

(whoops)

NARRATOR:
Drink Cred at your school today.

Hey, guys, I know there's
a lot of influencers out there

trying to get your attention.

And I just hope that
you'll maybe take a moment

to check out what I have to say
here on My OnlyFans page.

I hope you're all doing great,
and if you're watching this PPV,

I hope you'll consider
subscribing.

If you want me
to give a shout-out

for your social media,
I can do that.

And if you want a custom,
just let me know

if there's anything special
you want to see.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Oh! Hey, Sharon,

just supplementing my income.

Are you serious right now?

All right, all right,
Sharon, yes,

I am an OnlyFans model.

And I'm not ashamed of it.

Goddamn it, Randy.

What is with all the stigma
Americans have anyway, huh?

It's just my penis, Sharon.
It's not a big deal.

No, it's definitely
not a big deal.

Okay, good. Thank you.

All I'm doing
is taking back control

of my sexuality on a platform

that I can benefit from
financially.

So you're just gonna sit here
and jack off

for four hours a week just
to make a few extra dollars?

I jack off
two hours a week anyways.

Now I just do it
a little bit more

and make enough money to pay
for the increase in gas prices.

If your children find out
about this,

they are going to leave home.

Children aren't allowed
on OnlyFans, Sharon.

It's totally safe.

Kids aren't gonna see this.

(school bell ringing)

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, Butters, Tweek,
you guys got a second?

- For what?
- Okay, you know how, like,

some kids in this school
really like Cred

and others just pretend to,

but really they're posers
like Spencer Hollis?

Well, I think we should
start a Cred affinity group.

What's an affinity group?

It's where you, like,
divide people into groups

and single them out in order
to make other people feel bad.

See, it's like
we're the legit Cred drinkers,

and we should just let
the very coolest kids

into our affinity group.

Oh, hey, Clyde.

- Where's your Cred?
- Oh, it's just, uh...

- it's, uh, in my backpack again.
- Oh, that's cool.

You guys think we should let
Clyde into our affinity group?

Yeah, I like Clyde.

Oh, hey, Stan. Do you want
to be in our affinity group?

- What's an affinity group?
- It's like where people separate

into little clubs by, like,
skin color or religious beliefs

and talk about how much better
they are than everyone else.

Usually, white people
can't be in an affinity group,

but it's for a drink,
so they have to let us.

That's not what
an affinity group is.

Uh, yeah, well,
no one's inviting you, Kyle.

'Cause it looks like
you don't even have any Cred.

Yeah, I do, it's in my backpack.

Oh, sure,
it's in his backpack, guys.

Yeah, let's see it, then.

It's right here. We drink
way more Cred than you guys do.

Oh, yeah, right. Tweek drinks
four bottles of Cred

- for breakfast.
- (grunting)

(school bell rings)

I don't want to be a part
of any affinity group.

It just sounds like trouble.

Yeah, well, we don't want you.

'Cause you just pretend
to like Cred

'cause it's a fad right now

like all the other lame-o's
in this school.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Clyde, you got a sec?

- For what?
- I was just gonna talk to you about your backpack.

- W-What about my backpack?
- Well, it's just...

You know, it's really best
to have a backpack

that's got a water bottle pouch
to put your Cred in.

See, like, see how
y-you can see, like,

you can see my Cred bottle
from the outside?

You just go like this,
and everyone-everyone

can see your Cred?
You're just like,

"Oh, hey, what's going on?

"Oh, yeah, sweet,
check out my Cred.

It's, like, right here."

Um, well, I-I don't think

I can get a new backpack
till my birthday.

Well, maybe just, like,
use some tape or something

to make your own bottle pouch?

You know, we definitely
don't want you to look

like you don't have any Cred.

(chuckles) All right,
see you in class, brah.

♪ ♪

RANDY:
Hey, Sharon. Can we talk?

♪ ♪

I feel like there's
a lot bad things going on

in the world, and it gets so
confusing sometimes, you know?

I think, as Americans, we watch
news about things happening

in the Middle East and we just
don't want to get involved.

And I know it can feel like
"What can I do?

I'm not special, how could I
ever make a difference?"

But we can't let ourselves
think like that.

Sometimes what it takes

is just one person
to start a movement.

One person, and then
everyone else might follow.

I am not subscribing
to your OnlyFans page, Randy.

Okay, well, you're a cunt.

(indistinct chatter)

Yeah, that looks good.

Maybe a little higher
on your side, Butters.

Yeah, that's great. I think
everyone can see that now.

That should definitely
make people feel unwelcome.

♪ ♪

(playful chattering)

Hey.

Hey...

What's goin' on?

So... are you, like,
selling Cred?

What? Selling hydration drinks
on school grounds

is against the rules.

Come here, come here.

What the-- Hey, what are you--
What the hell are you doing?

(quietly):
If you're wearing a wire, I will kick your ass.

Bro, I'm not wearing a wire!
Do you have Cred or not?

Sure, I got Cred.
What are ya looking for?

A little...
Watermelon Strawberry?

No, no, do you have any ones

that don't taste like total ass?

Oh, you want the good shit.

I got your Bubblegum Grape
right here.

Okay, how much?

Eighty bucks.

$80? For a shitty
fake-sugar drink?

What do you think
I'm runnin' here,

a fucking charity
for the homeless?

How about some
Oatmeal Nummy Nums?

I can get you into that for $65.

I don't have $65.
What can I get for three bucks?

Three bucks? Oh, sure.

For that, you can get
an empty Cred bottle.

- What good is that gonna do me?
- It's easy.

You just fill
your empty bottle with water,

add a little food coloring.

Everyone thinks you got Cred
when you actually have no Cred.

I'm not giving you three dollars
for just plastic garbage!

Cool thing, man.

You just go back into the school
without any Cred at all.

See how long you last.

Here!

RANDY:
Hey, guys, it's your boy Randy,

and in this video we're doing
authentic pad Thai

for under $6.

Now we're gonna start
with some medium shrimp

and some rice noodles.

For the wet ingredients,
we're looking at a couple eggs,

some fish and also soy sauce.

And then for garnish, we're
gonna do a little cilantro,

green onion, and then of course,

we're gonna top that all off
with some fresh nuts.

Those nuts are gonna give it
that extra bite.

Now, if you like
what you're seeing

be sure to smash
that subscribe button.

- And--
- Get your balls off the table!

Oh, oh, great Sharon
you just ruined the shot!

The guys at the deli wanted me
to say hi, Randy.

They all saw you on OnlyFans.

Really?
Are they gonna subscribe?

No, they're not going
to subscribe.

Nobody's going
to subscribe, Randy.

Will you fucking stop?

This stuff takes time!

You don't just put up a page
and immediately get followers.

You have to support it
with other social media,

have a craft to teach...

Being an influencer
takes time, Sharon!

Oh, so now
you're an influencer?

Yes! I'm an influencer.

Maybe you should see
how it feels, Randy.

Maybe I should go
and do my own OnlyFans.

(chuckling):
What? What?

Yeah, like people are gonna pay
to see your OnlyFans.

I'll make more than you do!

Sharon, being
an influencer is work.

You got to pay for the lighting,
for the sound,

you got to be good at editing!

Okay. Cool, Randy.

I'm gonna go start
an OnlyFans channel.

Ok-okay.
Okay, you go do that, Sharon!

I'm gonna fuckin' do it!

Okay, yeah, go supplement
our income, Shar...

(chuckles weakly)

Sharon?

♪ ♪

You got this day, bro!

You're strong and I'm gonna
keep on making videos for you.

♪ I've got Cred, bitches ♪

♪ I've got Cred ♪

♪ I've got Cred, bitches ♪

♪ I've got Cred. ♪

Hey, guys, we're having
a Cred affinity group meeting

today at 4:00.
Nobody's allowed but us, okay?

Hey, Jordan.

We're having a meeting today.
You can't come.

Affinity group meeting
today, Sally.

You're not invited.

Well, I think that's just
about everyone.

Tweek, did you tell
Spencer Hollis

he's not allowed
in the affinity group?

Yeah. You told me
to call him last night.

He didn't seem to care.

- Yeah, he cares.
- Oh, there's Clyde!

Hey, Clyde. Look at you
with your nice new backpack.

Oh, uh, yeah.
You guys like it?

Yeah, it's really cool.

You can see your Cred now.

Yeah, it's really nice
the way your Cred is--

Oh, my God! Clyde!
You got Moonrise Mellow?

How the hell did you get
a bottle of Moonrise Mellow?

Oh, it was just, uh,
what my parents gave me today.

You guys,
Moonrise Mellow is, like,

the hardest flavor to get ever.

- Whoa, lucky.
- Yeah, hey, I'm not sharing.

- Hey, Stan. Hey, Stan.
- No, no, dude, wait.

Check out what Clyde has.
Moonrise Mellow.

That's impossible.

(laughs)
Look at their faces.

They're so jealous.

No, it's really impossible.

Moonrise Mellow was
discontinued months ago.

Guess you wish now that you were
in the Cred affinity group.

We told you guys we have better
Cred than anyone at school.

It's probably fake.

Oh! Oh, you think
it's fake, huh?

You want to fucking taste it?

(sputters)
What the fuck?

This is fucking apple juice.
Gross!

- Let's see.
- Hey, give it back.

Yeah, it's apple juice.
You guys are posers.

We're not posers!

Hey, guys. Cred affinity group
uses fake Cred.

What the fuck?

What the fuck
have you done, Clyde?

I'm sorry, okay?

Oh, he's sorry.

He faked having Cred,
but he's sorry!

All right, look, my parents
won't let me drink Cred, okay?

They think it's bad for me.

So you never had Cred?

No.

Oh, my God!

We all said you had Cred
in your backpack, Clyde.

We fucking backed you!

What the hell are we gonna do?

Why do you guys care?

I'm the one who doesn't
have any Cred!

That's not how it works, man!

If you don't have Cred,
then everyone around you

loses all their Cred.

We're dead.
We're fuckin' dead.

Word is gonna spread
through the school

that our affinity group
has no Cred

and then we're gonna--
(gags)

(retching)

How could you do this
to us, Clyde?

I'm sorry.
It was all the pressure.

(Cartman retching)

I never even wanted to be
in an affinity group.

Now I'm doomed!

(retching)

SHARON (moaning):
Ooh... oh. Oh, yeah.

- You like that, guys?
- Oh, my God.

- Oh... Oh, God.
- Oh, my God. She did it.

- Mm... Oh, yeah.
- She actually did it.

- She actually got
more subscribers than me. - Ooh, yeah, guys.

Oh, yeah.

Just let me know
if there's anything special

you'd like to see, guys.

- 3,100 subscribers.
- Ooh...

- Oh, oh, yeah...
- How is that possible?

I mean, look at that,
the lighting sucks.

The sound keeps clipping

like she got a microphone
at Walmart or something.

And who's that guy?
He's blocking half the shot.

- Oh, oh, ooh...
- This is total amateur hour!

Thanks for calling
OnlyFans customer support.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I just found out
that my wife has

an OnlyFans page,

and in one day she has
more subscribers than me.

I'm starting to think
this whole thing is rigged.

Well, it is slightly easier

for our female content creators
to find an audience.

Look, my wife can't become
a bigger influencer than me.

I'll never hear the end of it.

Well, sir, have you been trying

the pointers we discussed
to reach a larger audience?

Yes! I added a skill.

I'm advertising my OnlyFans page
with TikTok and Instagram.

What about optimizing
your algorithm?

Oh, um, how do I do that?

No, no, no.
Not with your penis.

See, what a lot
of influencers will do is

they talk about things
and show things in their videos

that are trending.

Then you can hashtag that,

and the search engines will
think your content is trending.

So I... add stuff to my videos
that's popular,

and people will
accidentally go to my page

trying to search
for that popular thing.

Exactly.

That's perfect!

But what's trending most
on the Internet right now?

Oh, hey there, Clyde.
How was school?

You want to know how school was?

It fucking sucked!

All I wanted was to have
a little bit of Cred at school,

but now I've destroyed it
and everyone hates me!

Oh, Clyde, we're always trying
to do what's best for you.

And you shut
the fuck up, Janice!

- You are not my mom.
- Clyde!

INFLUENCER:
I seriously can't stand how stupid people are sometimes.

That's why I do
all my pranks and stuff.

Sometimes it's impossible
to stay positive

when everyone sucks so hard.

If you like
what I'm saying in this video,

smash that like button
down below.

You know, the thing is,

when you really feel
the most down,

that's when you got to
fight the hardest, you know?

I'm gonna give you 10 tips
to being tougher.

But first I want to give
a shout-out to our sponsor

Cred hydration drinks!

(exasperated sigh)

Cred gives you all
the energy you need!

And now Cred has an all-new
exclusive flavor.

Introducing new Mega Cred.

It's a super limited edition

only available
to a select few.

And Cred's doing a big giveaway

and maybe these super limited
edition bottles can be yours.

♪ ♪

So I looked it up,

and there's this drink
called Cred

that's the most searched thing
on the internet.

I figured if I can get my hands

on some of the more
hard to get bottles

and put them in my videos,
maybe I'll get more traffic.

Everyone says maybe
you can help me.

Cred? What's Cred?
Never heard of it.

Okay, look,
I'm not wearing a wire.

You want to see?

No, no, I don't want to see!
What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm looking for a lot of Cred.

Maybe I can even get them

to eventually sponsor
my adult web channel.

Oh, okay. Then you'll want

some of the harder stuff
that's marketed

for adults only.

Like maybe...
Peppa Pig Peppermint.

That doesn't sound like
it's marketed for adults.

Oh, well, maybe you want to try
the I'm a Big Boy Blueberry.

All right, look, just--
How much for the whole bag?

You want my whole bag of Cred?

I want you to supply me

with every bottle of Cred
you can find.

I have to have more subscribers
than my wife.

Eric, sweetie,
are you feeling any better?

No, Mom, I'm dying.

I've been completely
discredited.

Eric, everything is going
to be okay at school tomorrow.

It's too late.

I've already stepped down
as founder and chairman

of my own affinity group.

You'll find my letter of
resignation on the nightstand.

I'm choosing to step down

before all those sick bastards
at school try and force me out.

Well, you need to sit up
for just a minute.

Your little friend Clyde
wants to talk to you.

Clyde? No, no, no, no, no.
Do not let-- Mom!

Do not let Clyde in my--
Aw, goddamn it.

What do you guys want?

Eric, Clyde has an idea
that might save our Cred.

Nothing is going to save
our Cred, you boners.

Will you just listen?

My influencer said there's
gonna be a big Cred promotion

at a CVS in Pueblo.

A promotion, great.

They're gonna sell
a very limited quantity

of an all-new Cred
that nobody's even tried yet.

TWEEK:
So we could ditch school,

find a way to get to Pueblo

and come back with a Cred
nobody else can even get.

We'd have our Cred back.

We followed Clyde before,
you guys,

and it cost us everything.

Look, 50 cases of Cred,

only available tomorrow
200 miles away

and then not available
for another six months.

It's called Mega Cred.

All right, you son of a bitch.

Maybe our affinity group
isn't dead just yet.

Hey, what up, guys?
It's your boy Randy.

In this video,
I'm gonna be trying out

six different flavors
of the newest sports drink.

As you can see, I've got
lots of Cred. Do you like Cred?

If so, leave a comment
down below,

and maybe smash
that like button.

Okay, we're gonna start
with Summer Popsicle.

I guess it's pretty popular.
(sniffs)

Smells okay.
Let's see how good it is.

Ooh. Oh, okay, yeah.

That one's kind of fizzy.

K-Kind of fizzy,
but more on the penis

than it is on them balls.

Yeah, this is really nice.

Oh. Oh, yeah, it looks good.

Yeah, looks delicious.
Oishii.

Hey If you're liking the
content, be sure to subscribe.

Really helps the channel out.

Let's move on
to another flavor now.

This one's called
Purple Snow Globe.

Let's see how it tastes.

Ooh. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's a good one.

(chimes)

Oh?

Oh, my God!

Hey, Sharon!

Sharon, you got to see this!

Oh, there you are, Sharon.

Been out shopping with all
the money you made on OnlyFans?

I'm ready to stop
whenever you are.

Oh, ho! Yeah,
I don't think so, Sharon.

I just had a video on TikTok
with 1,000 views

and a video on Meta with 2,000!

That's gonna drive all the
subscribers to my OnlyFans page.

You said my penis wasn't
a big deal, and now look!

What are you doing
to that Cred bottle?

Oh, that's just
a little trend jumping.

Randy, you know who
drinks Cred, right? Children!

No, it's not even
suitable for children.

Okay, this has to stop, Randy.

The only views you're getting on
TikTok and Meta are from kids!

That's not what
the data shows, Sharon.

According to Meta and TikTok,

their audience
is predominately people

over the age of 22.

That means it's not kids
who care about Cred,

it's adults
who want to see my dick.

Randy, please.
Let's just call it a tie, okay?

Oh, I bet you'd love that now.

Now that my OnlyFans is
about to be bigger than yours.

I'm gonna beat your ass, honey!

(brakes hiss)

Oh, Jesus, now it looks
like they're doing

a two-bottle max per person.

O-Okay, so two bottles each.
That means we'll have eight.

- Is that enough Cred?
- Oh, my God.

No!

(chanting): We want Cred!
We want Cred!

We want Cred! We want Cred!

Dude, there's like
2,000 kids here.

Don't these losers have
anything better to do

than fight over a shitty drink?

Come on, we gotta make our way
to the front.

Tom, I'm standing
outside the CVS in Pueblo

where thousands of children
have shown up to get some Cred.

The fake sugar hydration drink

is considered
not suitable for children

and yet kids
are literally fighting

to get their hands
on this limited edition.

I'll be covering the whole thing
live here on my OnlyFans page.

Just DM me if there's anything
custom you'd like to see.

Dude, this is fucking crazy!

There's never gonna be
enough Cred for everybody!

Oh, my God. No. No!

It's fucking Spencer Hollis.

Hey, stop pushing, kid.

What's he doing here,
that dirty son a bitch?

He fucking ditched school
to come get Cred

and he doesn't even like it!
He's a fucking poser!

We want Cred! We want Cred!
We want Cred!

The delivery truck!

(screaming)

Ah!

- Ah! Get away!
- Give me Cred!

You're all a bunch
of animals! Ah!

Cred! Give me the Cred!

I got to have Cred!

We want Cred! We want Cred!

Okay, go, go, go!

Okay, okay, it's here,
you bastards.

- Come in and-- Ah!
- I was here--

Tweek's not gonna make it,
you guys.

(screaming)

- Where is it?
- Where's the Cred?

(screaming)

It's over there!

Give me Cred!

Me first! Me first!

Give me the Cred!

Ah! Ah!

There's some, right there! Ah!

It's gone! It's all gone!

(easy listening music playing)

Mom!

Spencer?

Start the car! Start the car!

Jesus Christ!

Start the fucking car, Mom!

Spencer's getting away
with the Cred!

(engine revving)

(tires squeal)

No!

Well, these are extremely
impressive numbers.

It looks like your content's
getting a lot of views online.

Yeah, thanks.

But you see,
what I'm trying to learn now

is how to take
all the views I'm getting

on like Instagram and stuff
and use them

to make myself bigger.

Well, we can help you with that.

You know, to really succeed,

you gotta ask yourself:

What is it that you want
to achieve as an influencer?

Well, what I really want to do

is beat my wife.

You want to beat your wife?

I mean, don't we all?

I-I don't understand,

you want to beat your wife
on Instagram?

I want to beat her on Instagram,

I want to beat her on TikTok,

but mostly I want to beat
the shit out of her on OnlyFans

and make a lot
of money doing it.

Hmm. Okay, well, if you can
get the kids to watch

then we can find you a sponsor.

Organizations will do anything
to reach kids these days.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
but, see, my content

actually isn't suitable
for children.

Right. I mean, the data shows

kids aren't the main audience
for any of this stuff, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Mr. Marsh, the thing is,
a sponsor not only gets you cash

but they also help
you push that algorithm

so that their message
is heard through you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, there's gonna be
a lot of companies

that want to pay you to show
your videos to "not kids."

But what we want to do
is get these sponsors

to bid against each other
for your audience.

That's when you become
a big influencer.

And then you can beat
your wife as much as you want.

Wow.

(fire crackling)

There's nothing.

Just two more
broken Cred bottles.

And a couple of cans
of SpaghettiOs.

I don't think I can go back.

Go back to what?

Spencer Hollis
has all the Cred now.

Tomorrow, he'll start
his own affinity group

and not let any of us in.

Don't you guys think
this is all fucked up?

Yeah, fucked up 'cause of you.

No, I mean what
they're doing to us.

Look at this. My influencer
told me to come down here.

He knew there wasn't gonna
be enough Cred for everyone.

It's like--
It's like they wanted to create

this false scarcity.
Give all us kids FOMO.

If anyone's a FOMO,
Clyde, it's you.

You guys aren't listening.
We've been manipulated.

If kids are willing to fight
and die over this,

then what else would they be
willing to fight and die over?

Nobody in school cared
about hydration drinks

three weeks ago.

My influencer convinced me
to come down here.

What else is
he convincing me to do?

So, maybe if we find
your influencer,

then he can give us Cred?

No!

No, no, no.
I like your angle, Clyde.

Maybe this whole thing
is a sham.

If we can make
the whole thing look stupid,

then we make a Cred
affinity group look stupid.

Then Spencer Hollis will
have nothing to keep us out of.

I just know there's more
to all this than we think.

I know what town
my influencer lives in.

I want some goddamn answers.

Tweek, Butters,

gather up all the Pop-Tarts
and SpaghettiOs you can.

We move out at
oh-ninety-two-hundred.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi, I'm a big influencer?

My agent sent me here
to find a sponsor?

- Name.
- Uh, Randy Marsh?

It's with five Rs
because there was already

a Randy Marsh on TikTok.

Put this around your neck.
Through that door

and wait with
the other influencers.

Oh, okay, thanks.

Okay, influencers, follow me,

stand in a straight line
and step forward

when your number is called.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

We have some incredible
influencers available today.

They are all
complete freelancers

and looking for sponsors.

First off, we have
influencer number 394

This is BlinkyBlankyGirl.

She has over 10,000 views
on Instagram,

6,800 on TikTok

and is up-and-coming
on Meta and X.

Who would like to own
this influencer?

We'll start the bidding at 20.
20, do I hear 20?

There's 20. Do I hear 25, 25?

Let's hear 25, 25, 30.
(gibberish)

25 from Mattel Toys.

Mattel Toys now
the highest bidder at 25.

25, who's gonna go for 30?
30, 30. (gibberish)

30! 30 from Lunchables!
Let's go 50.

50 now, who wants
the influencer?

- 50, 50. (gibberish)
- 100!

100! 100 from the Chinese
government! Can we go 150?

150? (gibberish)

150, 150, yes!

Stoli Vodka at 150.

150, the current bid
from Stoli Vodka.

What about you, Build-A-Bear?

Do we hear from Build-A-Bear?
(gibberish)

160! 160 from the NRA,
outbidding Stoli Vodka.

Who wants to influence
the youngins more?

(gibberish)

170 from Voices for Ukraine.

Don't let them
outbid you, Russia.

No? Chinese government? No?

Sold to Voices for Ukraine.
Thank you.

I don't understand
what happened.

Just keep making
your stupid videos,

they'll tell you what to say.

Okay, next up we have
influencer number 226.

This is Kevinlovesoranges.

Over six million views
on TikTok, 4,600 on Instagram

and a small following
on X and Meta.

Who wants Kevinlovesoranges
to push their agenda?

We'll start at 40, 40.
China in at 40, China at 40.

Who's gonna go 50?
Russia with 50. (gibberish)

55, 60, Big Pharma at 60.

60. (gibberish)
Kellogg's Cereal.

(gibberish) Ravenclaw Casinos.

(gibberish)
Influence the children.

Can I hear 70? Last call for 70.

(gibberish)

Sold to the Canadian government,
congratulations.

Our next influencer, number 427.

This is Randy Marrrrrsh.

We'll start the bidding at 50.
50, do I hear 50? 50?

(gibberish)

(gibberish slows)

50? No? Come on, Mattel Toys.
Let's hear from you.

How about 40? 40?

How about 40, let's do 40?

(gibberish)

(gibberish slows)

FBI AGENT:
Freeze! Nobody move!

(people screaming)

Up here! He's up here!

Are you Randy Marrrrrsh?

- Yeah?
- All right, we got him.

Hands behind your back.

Me? I didn't do anything.

I'm just trying
to beat my wife. (chokes)

On your knees!
Hands behind your back now!

(knocking on door)

Hello? Logan LaDouche?

- Hello? We know you're in there.
- (lock clicks)

Go away.
I'm in enough trouble as it is.

Look, dude, we just want
to talk to you, okay?

No, not okay. I'm in hiding.

How did you guys find me?

Dude, if you're in hiding,
you shouldn't probably post

videos of yourself
at the motel you're hiding in.

Shit. Shit,
I just can't help myself.

Brah, we need to know
the truth about Cred.

I'm sorry, okay?
I didn't mean to cause a riot.

Did Cred want us all
to kill each other?

If you found me,
then so can they. Just go.

Okay, okay, fine,
Mr. Influencer,

we'll leave.
(shouts)

- Yeah.
- (shouts) What the fuck are you doing?

Where's the Cred?
You got some Cred?

Butters, Butters, calm down.

They're gonna take me out, man.

I should just turn myself in.
I'll be safer in jail.

Listen, dude, I went to Pueblo
'cause of you.

Why did you tell us
we could get Mega Cred

when you knew
there wasn't enough?

Brah, I don't even
drink that crap.

Don't you get it, man?

I'm just this tiny little piece
of a very big lie.

You guys are all
being manipulated.

I trusted you.
I've watched all your videos,

and you told me to be strong
and never give up.

That's all just Cred
messing with me?

Don't you get it?
I don't work for Cred.

The Cred is just there
to get views, man.

'Cause kids love it so much.

But if Cred isn't your sponsor,
then-then who is?

If you knew,
it would make you sick.

They just use you and Cred
to get to us,

and those higher-up people

can get us
some limited-edition Cred?

- Who has the Cred?
- Butters, Jesus.

RANDY:
Oh, there-there she is.

Hey, Sharon.

This is my wife, Sharon.

She's an OnlyFans model
just like me.

We are both legally
supplementing our income.

So you work
with your husband, ma'am?

No, we have very different
OnlyFans accounts.

I could never do what he does.

Thanks, honey, it's nice for you
to finally admit it.

Now I'd like to know
what I'm being detained for.

Exposing children
to pornography,

soliciting nude images
to a minor,

child endangerment...

Oh, come on, like it's just me?

Everybody's doing it.

There's an entire network
where everyone just pretends

Internet platforms
aren't made for children

but they all auction our kids
to the highest bidder.

You seem like some kind of
influencer expert.

Would you say these things
on record?

No, 'cause
I'm a sovereign citizen,

and I don't need to tell you
anything. (blows raspberry)

- Randy, you need to cooperate.
- Why?

I'll tell you why, scumbag.

Your posts drew in
a lot of children,

and they like to copy
what they see.

So then kids started creating
their own erotic content

based on yours.

♪ ♪

- What?
- That's right.

We've just found
sexuality explicit,

pornographic images of minors.

I warn you,
what you are about to see

is extremely disturbing
and graphic.

♪ ♪

Oh, God. Ugh.

Oh, don't close your eyes now.

You think these miners deserved
to be treated like this?

What have I done? I had no idea.

Randy, you knew kids were
watching your content.

Yeah, but I never knew
it would lead to...

pornographic images of miners.

God, it's disgusting.

Being an influencer
is disgusting.

All right, I'm gonna tell you
everything I know

about how the system works.

This has to stop.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Just wanted to let you all know
that I think

maybe I'm gonna get killed
or arrested,

so I'm hiding out
in this motel room.

Be sure to like and subscribe.
It really helps the channel out.

Dude, will you stop
making videos?

I don't know what else
to do, okay?

All I've ever done
is make fucking videos.

But for who?
You said it wasn't for Cred,

so then who sponsors you?

LOGAN:
I just wanted to be a big influencer.

So I got put on this stage
and I was auctioned off

to the highest bidder.

People will pay anything to push
their agenda on you guys.

What, you mean, like, the
Chinese government or something?

I'm sponsored by people worse
than the Chinese government.

I can't tell you who they are,
because then the companies

that run the whole system
will have me killed.

We deserve to know
who's been manipulating us.

Tell us the truth and we'll
make sure you're safe, okay?

You promise?

Yes, we promise.

Fine.

The truth is,
I'm being paid by...

- (gunshot)
- (grunts)

Whoops!

- (screams)
- Okay, okay.

We don't care who's trying
to influence us!

(sirens wailing)

(tires screeching)

The game is up, scumbag.

We know about
the whole operation.

- (megaphone static)
- We know everything.

The influencers are being paid
by organizations

to knowingly influence children.

- (megaphone static)
- ASSASSIN: The data shows that consumers

of social media platforms are
predominately adults over 21.

Oh, come on.

Within tech companies,
it's an open secret

that millions of users are
actually under the age of 13.

ASSASSIN:
Tech companies are working diligently

to find ways to make
the Internet safer for children,

but these methods
are often criticized

for violating free speech.

Okay, and tech companies
use those assertions

and their endless cash to keep
regulations tied up in court

so they can continue
to profit off of our kids.

(megaphone static)

Okay, well, you'll never
take me alive, copper.

(shouts)

He's still alive.
Let's get City General out here.

Who do you work for?
Who's trying to influence me?

(grunts)

(babbles)

He's just the middleman, kids.

Whoever was trying to influence
you is still a mystery.

(brakes hiss)

Hey, fellas, I got an idea.

How about we just keep
our affinity group,

but instead of it being
about Cred,

it's just about how proud we are
of who we are.

No, they won't let us do that,
Butters, 'cause we're white.

White people can't be in groups
talking about

how proud they are,
it doesn't fly.

Dang it.

Well, then, I guess
we just got to accept

that we're gonna
go to school tomorrow

and get totally boned.

Yep.

(thudding)

Hey, look, you guys. It's Cred.

(engine running)

Mr. Marsh? What are you doing
with all that Cred?

I'm putting it where it belongs,
in the garbage.

But that's, like, Jelly Roll
Midnight Waffle House.

Do you know what that's worth?

Yeah, I know what it's worth.

It's worth gold
to all the people in the world

who want to use social media
to influence children.

But there's more to life
than making money.

And there's more to marriage
than just beating your wife.

The bottom line is that

all this social media
influencer garbage

is not suitable for children.

And if you're a kid
on social media,

you have to know that someone
is always trying to get to you.

All you have to do
is ask yourself,

"Who is it that wants
to influence me the most?"

Holy shit.

Janice!

Oh, Clyde, where have you been?
We've been worried sick.

It was you, this whole time.

You've been trying
to influence me for months.

Clyde, you really should have

let your father know
where you were...

You've been paying an influencer
to try and reach me,

and you caused this whole
fucking mess!

What is this about, Janice?

I don't think people understand
how hard it is to be a stepmom.

You want to try
and teach your kids,

but they don't listen because
you're not their "real parent."

I just wanted to be
a good influence on you, Clyde.

But influencing kids these days

requires good lighting
and a quality microphone.

But why Cred?
If you're so against it,

then why have it
in all those videos?

That was just to get
your views, Clyde.

Your views
are so important to me,

because we never talk.

Maybe what I did
was all a bit much,

but look at us.

Here we are, talking.

Janice, can I call you "Mom"?

Yes, of course.

Fuck you, Mom!

(exhales):
Oh...

(indistinct chatter)

Whoa, Spencer,
is that Mega Cred?

Yeah, pretty cool, right?

"Pretty cool"?
How'd you get that?

Oh, I just went to this thing
in Pueblo. No big deal.

Everyone! Everyone, can I have
your attention, please?

We have something really
important to tell you guys.

Tweek and Butters and I
have learned

a lot of things recently.

We have news
that you will all find shocking.

You see, we talked to Mr. Marsh,

and he gave us four bottles

of Jelly Roll
Midnight Waffle House.

(all gasping)

- (cheering, screaming)
- No, no, no. Back up.

This is for the Cred
affinity group only.

- You can look at our Cred,
but don't touch. - All right!

Oh, oh, hey, Clyde.

Say, Clyde, you, uh,

forgot your super special
Jelly Roll Cred

at the group meeting, remember?

It tastes amazing.

- (cheering)
- All right!

Yeah! Clyde's got Cred again!

(cheering)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪