All language subtitles for QI.XL.S22E12.Vices.and.Virtues.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-AEK

This programme contains
some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to QI,
where tonight

we're vacillating between
vices and virtues.

There's no peace for the wicked,
so let's meet our baddies.

The lord of misrule,
it's Eshaan Akbar.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The prince of darkness,
it's Rhys James.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The queen of the bottomless pit,
it's Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Whatever that means.

Oh, goody two shoes,
it's Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Their buzzers are all vices.

Eshaan has sloth.

SNORTING AND SNORING

Wow.

Nice. Rhys has anger.

YELLING AND BANGING

SCREECHING

Jo has lust.

LAUGHTER

I don't.

CREAKING AND EXCITED MOANING

Oh-ho-ho! Oh, very pleasant.

I mean, it sounded more
like impaling.

Alan has pride.

Yass, Queen!

Let's start with the ultimate
in virtue - a saint.

St Valentine, to be precise.

What are the least-romantic
Valentine's Day experiences

that you can think of?

Oh! Oh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

In case you're wondering,

no, I don't.

I think the worst thing possible
is knowing that the person

you've been in love with for three
months doesn't actually want you.

Oh...
Awww!

Seriously?

Just wait till you've been married
30 years,

then it's really shit.

This happened to me on Valentine's
Day about ten years ago.

Yeah. I was in love with someone,

and on Valentine's Day,
I thought it'd be romantic

on my lunch half-hour to get
the Tube... Uh-oh.

..from Bond Street to Bank.

I took an Earl grey tea,
her favourite book,

and tickets to a West End musical.
I did it all. Nice.

And then I didn't hear from her for
two days,

and then she called me up
two days later and she said,

"Thank you so much for the bouquet
of flowers you got me."

And I was like, "I didn't
get you any flowers, uh,

"where have you been?" And she said,

"I went to watch an amazing
theatre show with this guy

"that I've been seeing
for the last two months."

Aww!
So... They're married now.

That's good.

OK, I'm going to give
you five points. Thank you!

Thank you.

Argh! Yes, Rhys.

Probably my most romantic
Valentine's

is when I took Eshaan's
girlfriend to the theatre.

That was a good day.

So, 17th-century Europe,
including Britain,

Valentine's Day sweethearts
were often chosen by lot.

So they were young
and unmarried people,

they would get together
in an area, and the women

would write their names down
on a slip of paper,

and they would pop them in a box.
And then men... It was a lucky dip.

Oh, it was like an arranged
marriage.

Well, some villages,
you were expected to court

until the following Valentine's Day.

In some places,
it was just for the day.

Might have worked out better
than if you'd actually chosen them.

It certainly would in my case.

It's good that you're not
bitter, though, Jo.

I think that's very important.
No, I'm not bitter at all.

No.

There was another English tradition,
which was that the very first person

you saw on Valentine's Day,
that's the person

that would be your Valentine.

And so people would sneak
into their sweetheart's garden

so that when they open the curtains,
the first thing...

I thought it'd be your,
like, postman.

That'd be weird, wouldn't it?
Yeah, yeah.

It's in Shakespeare.
Ophelia says in Hamlet,

Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day,
All in the morning betime,

and I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.

The problem with Valentine's Day is,
if you get an anonymous one,

you think, "Oh, that's so exciting.
Who could that be from?"

Maybe, you know,

some perv that lives down the road.

Or it could be from someone
really nice, but you don't know

unless it looks suspiciously

like your mum's handwriting.

I want one that says,
"I can't be arsed, can you?"

I gave an anonymous card once
when I was ten years old,

to the new girl at school,
and I put it in her tray,

and it was from her secret admirer.

And then I witnessed her at the end
of school, take it out and show

all her friends, and then screw it
up and put it in the bin. Now...

Awww!
Yeah, thank you.

This is the heartbreak corner,
apparently.

Team Dweeb over here.
Team Dweeb. Yeah.

What I would say about that is
the anonymity of a card goes out

the window when you're the only one
in the playground crying.

That's quite a good little caption
for inside the card.

Yeah, that's true.

"Look for the crying boy."

We don't really know why
Saint Valentine -

we don't really know
why he got chosen.

He's a third-century Roman saint,
but there doesn't seem

to be a particular reason why.

That's him on the right,
looking mildly surprised.

It looks like he could help
the situation a bit there. Yeah.

That's Mary Magdalene at his feet,
and that's Anthony of Padua,

who, amongst other things,
was the patron saint of the tonsure,

which is that haircut where
you've got a sort of bald bit

on the top.
Why is Saint Valentine there?

He's got the cross and he's going,
"I've had an idea for some merch."

Yeah.

Anthony of Padua was also a patron
saint of finding a partner.

So maybe there's... Find a partner.

Hmm? Find a partner.

They used to say that at school.

Find a partner.
Get into twos and threes.

That's so stressful,

that whole five seconds
before someone eventually goes,

"Oh, fuck it, go on, then."

You're the last one left.

Yeah. The teacher comes over
and says,

"Why haven't you found a partner?!"

"No-one likes me!

"That's what this is about!
That's what this is about, right?!

"Confirmation! Well done!"

When they pick teams for sport?

You were often the ball,
weren't you? Well...

In rugby.

I was no good at netball. I used
to get chest passes in the face.

I mean, I was...

It wasn't my thing.

The ancient Roman version
of Valentine's Day

is called Lupercalia.
Now, this is much more fun.

This is your sexually charged...
Lubercalia? Lupercalia.

Not lube. Not lube.
I was going to say!

Lubercalia!

It's a ceilidh, with lube.
Yeah. Yeah.

So you start with a ritual,

you want to kill a few goats,
and then you took these goat hides

and you made sort of
whips called februa,

and you whipped women
whilst half naked.

You're turning me on, Sandi.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Why are there children in this orgy?
Whys are kids there?!

Yeah, well, they're from
the last year's orgy.

Lupercalia,
in honour of the she-wolf

who's said to have raised
Romulus and Remus,

who founded Rome.

Now, I want you to suggest some
novel ways in which animals can help

you on Valentine's Day.

SNORTING AND SNORING

It does sound like a Labrador.
It does, yeah.

I'm...

Like a...a rabbit?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you. Well...

If we're going down this route,

a beaver.

I knew you were my kind of guy.

Why rabbit?
It's an electronic device.

Oh! Yeah. OK.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, if you're happily married,
you don't need one.

I've got 12.

They're all different.
All different.

2022, the Bristol Animal Rescue
Centre offered to write a name

of your choice on the bottom
of a cat litter tray for £5.

What?! Yeah.

So the woman who went with
the tickets with somebody else,

you could have her name on the
bottom of a cat litter tray.

Their thing was, "Our cats will
poo on your ex, your boss..."

Ohh! "..or whoever else you think
deserves a great big turd

"on this Valentine's Day."
Oh, I see.

Yeah. Yeah. You say that.
Anyone who's got a cat

knows that they will shit
anywhere but the litter tray.

Exactly. That is true.
I've got a kitten.

I've been trying to train her.
And all the things on the internet

say you have to spray her in
the face with water when she does

something wrong, but that
feels so inhumane to me.

So instead of doing that,
when she does something wrong,

I just eat one of her treats
in front of her.

Oh, and how is she with that?

Well, she shits in the bed.

That's not the point.

But you can't trust animals, really.

So the Seattle Aquarium used
to celebrate Valentine's Day

by inviting the public to come
and watch the octopuses having sex.

Um... Sorry, what?!

Yes.

"Come in, come in. Live sex show."

Yeah!

So they haven't held it since 2016.

Why do you think they decided
not to do this?

Death? Yes, death is exactly right.

Yes. Oh!

So, in some species of octopus,
when they've finished,

the female eats the male.
Which is fine,

he'd die soon anyway.
It's really - it's not a problem.

I tried that one Valentine's Day.

And then the San Antonio Zoo
in Texas. I like this -

you can name a cockroach
after your ex

and then watch it being fed
to another animal.

We used to have cockroaches, and
I kind of got rather fond of them

cos I came home one night
really late, quite pissed,

and I'd left the telly on earlier,

and there was two of them sitting
on the settee watching the telly.

Which I thought was lovely. And
I was decorating, as well, one day,

and I was painting the ceiling
like that and one fell in my mouth.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I feel bad for all the people
who go on Bake Extra Slice

and get their cake slagged off
by someone who's eaten a cockroach.

Right, what was the Venus de Milo
doing with her hands

before she lost her arms?

SNORTING AND SNORING

Masturbating.

KLAXON

And literally the last thing
I would have thought of.

Argh! Yes, Rhys, darling.

Stealing something in Saudi Arabia.

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

Maybe she was trying to start up

a petrol engine chainsaw.

I LOVE a chainsaw. Me too.

Didn't they find the arms
somewhere else?

Well, yes.
There was a disembodied arm.

The fact is, she was already
armless, as it were,

when she was dug up in 1820
on the Greek island of Milos.

So we don't really know, right?
But there are some suggestions.

So one suggestion is that she was
sort of holding her drapery

and the other hand was holding
an apple.

So you're going to get a point.
Yes, it's exactly right.

A disembodied hand holding an apple
carved from the same marble

was found fairly near.

I imagine there are
two other apples in the air.

Yeah.

That's got "delivered safely
by Evri" written all over it.

Took a photo of it and legged it.

Possible that both hands
were spinning thread -

so that's an activity that used
to be used in ancient Greece

to symbolise a sex worker.

Or possibly she was holding a shield
and admiring her own reflection.

France bought the statue
when it was first found in 1820,

and they placed it in the Louvre,
but it originally came with a plinth

which named the sculptor.

So the sculptor was
Alexandros of Antioch,

who was rather obscure
and not incredibly famous.

But recently the government
had returned

Napoleon's looted art collection,

and they really wanted to have
something

that was fantastically valuable,

so they took the sculptor's name
away

in the hope that everybody
would assume

that it was by a famous
fourth-century BC Greek sculptor.

So they were sort of lying, but they
wanted it to be more important

than the Venus de' Medici,
which is widely regarded

as one of the most beautiful
representations of Venus

ever made, and which they had
had to give back to Italy.

And it was about 100 years
before the Louvre went,

"OK, we do know who it was by,

"and it's not as valuable as
the one that you guys have got."

The Italian rival,
the Venus de' Medici,

she's the one that established
the sort of modest pose that...

She's not famous, though, is she?

The Venus de' Medici doesn't seem
to be as famous, and it's partly

because Pope Innocent XI
thought she was too sexy

and she was encouraging
lewd behaviour in students.

So she was sent off
to the Uffizi Gallery

and I think probably slightly
hidden away.

Now, patience is a virtue,
but would you queue two days

and nights for a haircut?

No. Fair.

Six points.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think I did queue two days
and nights for a haircut

the day after lockdown lifted.

Was it the madness? Yeah.

You get... Having your hair cut by
someone who was in a hazmat suit,

really.

With a mask on
and a screen and gloves

and going like this.

I'd love to go to a barber's
cos it looks quick.

When you go to the ladies'
hairdresser's, it takes forever

and they want to know things
about you.

I think, before you go in,

you've got to create
an identity for yourself.

Just say, "I'm exhausted,
I was up all night

"having sex with three men."

"Two of them are in here."
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Barbers are really stressful for
me cos I go to a Turkish barber's

and I take my hearing aids out,
and my glasses,

so I can't see or hear anything.

They basically do whatever
they want, really.

Yeah. It's quite
a traumatic experience.

The Turkish barber
near me is famous

for shit haircuts.
It's not THAT bad, Rhys.

Single tear rolls
down my cheek, Alan.

I stopped going there YEARS AGO!

But he does - he has the
barber shop in the day,

and then he has a kebab shop down
the road that he does at night.

Is it the same knife?

Right? Yeah! Literally
all the same utensils.

Yeah. He puts you on a thing and
spins you around, and then just...

For ages, I was thinking,
"Why does he still do the barbering

"when he's so bad at it?"

And then I realised it's a perfect
business model, right?

Because when do you go
to a kebab shop?

You go after a night out, don't you?

Yeah. When would you not
go after a night out?

If you've pulled.
Why would you not pull?

Shit haircut. Yeah.

It's genius. It is.
That's a very good combination.

He's the best businessman
in the world.

But I want to know why you might
queue for two days and nights.

Special barber.

Yeah, special barber.
It's a holy thing.

Is it Mecca? No.

So it's the most-visited
Hindu temple in the world.

So the temple in Andhra Pradesh,

which is called
Sri Venkateswara Swami,

it is the richest,
most-visited temple.

And it is also the world's
largest barber shop.

I know.

So this 2,000-year-old temple,
they hire 1,316 barbers,

who cut hair for free, 24/7.

They have over 40 million people
who visit every single year,

and the site has had to create
two queuing complexes

to hold 14,000 people - all of
them queuing up for a haircut.

So, in 2023, the queue
at the temple reached 5km.

Some people were waiting
for 48 hours.

There is a system if
you've got a bit more money,

so you can basically pay,
and then they'll remember

that you were at that point in the
queue and then you can come back.

But that person's having
a shaved head, right?

And if you want to maintain that,
you have to get that haircut

and then immediately join
the queue again.

Yeah. I mean...
Two days. Start again.

I mean, is it just
shaved heads they offer?

Can you get a perm or something?

No, they want your hair.

So the temple is dedicated to one
of the many incarnations of Vishnu.

So the triumvirate of gods, right?

We've got Vishnu, Brahma and Shiva.

And Vishnu has ten avatars
or incarnations.

So the story goes that Vishnu
was meditating on an ant hill

and his fellow gods -

so Shiva and Brahma - in the form
of cows, came to feed him milk

every single day.

And one time the cow herd followed
them and he was wondering

what was happening to
all the milk, right?

Why does it keep disappearing?

And he saw them pouring it
into this ant hill.

So he struck the ant hill -
and thus Vishnu on the head.

And after Vishnu's head healed,
the hair failed to grow back.

A lot better than
the Bible, isn't it?

It's a good story, isn't it?

And so, to help him cover up
the bald patch, a princess cut off

her own hair, to plaster on it.

And as a reward, Hindu legend
has it that all offerings

at the shrine go to her.

Right. So that is the reason
for the endless haircutting.

Uh, let's move on to vice now.

What happens in Vegas
to make you stay in Vegas?

Are we talking Las Vegas or Johnny?

Las Vegas. Have you been?

I haven't. My mum, dad
and brother went without me.

Awww!

I'm actually quite a happy person!

Just... Just to be clear.

Yeah. Why? We went to America,

and I had to come back home early

because of immigration issues.

And then my mum, dad and brother,
they had a great time without me.

Oh, is that what they told you -

"There's some immigration issues,
you're going to have to go"?

Yeah.

OK. This immigration officer looks

a lot like my brother
holding his finger up.

Well, gambling is addictive.

Might you end up staying
because you're addicted to it?

Well, there is that,
but specifically,

how do casinos encourage you
to stay in them for longer?

There's no windows or clocks.

KLAXON

It's a misconception.

There are time-sensitive bets,

so you have always had clocks.

If you go through the casinos,
some of them are really huge. Yeah.

It goes on as far as the eye can
see, and you actually don't know

what the time is.
It's the same 24 hours a day.

Yeah. Roughly the same number
of people in there.

It's very odd.
But also it's that maze-like thing.

That's an important part
of keeping you there,

because it feels as though there's
something new round the corner,

something else. It's like
the big Tesco's in Hexham.

People think that
there are no windows.

That's not true either.

They were rare because
the sunlight used to reflect

onto the slot machines.
But nowadays they use tinted glass.

And there's another myth
that casinos pumped in oxygen

in order to keep you awake.
Incredible fire hazard.

Terrible idea. Yeah.

I've never placed a bet.

What? Ever, on anything.

I don't really practise Islam
any more. I drink, I eat bacon,

but I've just not been able to
do the gambling thing just yet,

and I feel like
I would really enjoy it.

OK. I'm going to give you £100 if
you get the next question right.

OK. You want to take the bet?

Yeah, I'll take the bet.
OK. This is my first bet!

You've got to give me 200
if you get it wrong.

Ooooh!

Who thinks I should go for it?

CHEERING

You enablers!

Are you going to take the bet?

Yeah. Go on, then, why not?

CHEERING

Oh, can we shake on it?

Can we shake?

OK.

Ready? No.

Why is the dice game called craps?

Cos it makes you shit yourself.

Congratulations, Eshaan,
you've just won £100. Yeah!

As far as we know,
it probably comes from crapaud,

which is French for toad.

Because you used to have to sort
of bend down when you were playing.

He was never going to get that.
You've absolutely robbed him. No.

I'd have given you five.
I got hustled!

You got hustled by the house.

You got hustled by the house.
I got hustled by the house. Yeah.

Unbelievable.
As it's your first bet,

I'm not going to make you pay out.
But you always, always remember

that you owe me.

I'll never forget.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's one of the oldest
games in casino history.

Probably began in the 12th century.

You get it documented
in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales.

Look at that guy on the left.

He's perving up that second woman.

Yeah. Yeah, he is.

Look at his face.

That's terrifying.

No, I really enjoy it.

What I do is I work out
how much money would I be willing

to throw away? And that's all.

You don't pay any more than that.

Oh, that's pointless. Is it?

Yeah, I think if you're
going to gamble,

be prepared to lose your house
or else there's no point.

Yeah. I went to a casino once. Yeah.

And people were going,
"Oh, put £5 on this."

I wanted to put my car on it
or something, you know.

One kidney. Yeah.

Now, let's plunge deeper
into the world of vice.

Who or what is about as useful
as a cow's fifth teat?

My third nipple.

Your two nipples
are useless, as well.

Are they? ARE they?

What? Oh!

What have I... What am I supposed
to have been using them for?

How do YOU know what the weather's
like before you look out the window?

Is this like when I realised

I haven't been paying tax
for three years, as well?

Where do you hang your keys?
What is wrong with you?

Why is that such
a sexy shot of a cow?

There's no way the Pope's
allowing a statue of that.

No, that's so true. So it's a quote.

Somebody said this was about
as useful as a cow's fifth teat.

It's a job.

It's a job in the United States.

President.

So... Vice President.

Yes.

Ah. The point goes to Alan.
Absolutely right.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There's a long history of the Vice
Presidents despising their own jobs.

It was considered such a minor role
that they weren't even included

in presidential
cabinet meetings until 1919.

The phrase is how the job was
described by Harry S Truman

when he was offered it
by President Roosevelt.

Here's the thing, though.

So Truman did eventually accept.

He was only Vice President
for 82 days, when Roosevelt died

and he took over.

So Truman went from senator
to Vice President to President

to authorising, if you recall,
the dropping of the atomic bomb

in just under seven months.

I mean, it's the most astonishing
career trajectory.

So the important element of the job

is that if the...if the
President pegs it, you take over.

Yeah, you're the one just
waiting for the guy to drop.

And some people just didn't
do it because they thought

it wasn't a significant office.
And maybe they should have done so.

Senator Daniel Webster,
as a good example -

he was offered the role
of Vice President twice -

William Henry Harrison
and Zachary Taylor -

and he turned it down each time.

He allegedly said,
"I do not propose to be buried

"until I am really dead
and in my coffin."

He ran for presidency three times,
and if he had just accepted

the vice presidency, he would have
become President because both

those Presidents died in office.

Even the very first Vice President,
who was John Adams, said,

"It was the most
insignificant office

"that ever the invention
of man contrived,

"or his imagination conceived,
as can do neither good nor evil."

Does it pay well?
So it's a really good question.

So the Vice President
Richard Mentor Johnson -

so we're talking 1837 to 1841
under President Martin Van Buren -

he had so little money that,
halfway through the term,

he went back to his home in Kentucky

and opened a tavern and spa.

Oh!

I know! Like the kebab shop
and the barber's.

Yes, yes!

Yeah. I rather like this guy.

He proposed that the Senate
fund a plan

to explore the centre of the Earth.

I just think, why not?!

It involved explorers travelling
to the North Pole -

with reindeer,
obviously, and sleigh -

and then entering a passageway
to go down into the Earth...

He thought there was
a door there, did he?

I don't know what he thought.
23 senators supported the proposal.

There are a few successes,
we have to say -

not all the Vice Presidents
were not a success.

Charles Dawes, he was Vice President
under Calvin Coolidge.

So he's the one on the right.
Calvin Coolidge on the left.

Charles Dawes not only won
a Nobel Peace Prize,

he also wrote
a number-one hit single. Oh!

Calvin Coolidge is one of my
favourite Presidents of all time.

His favourite thing to do
in the Oval Office was to ring

the emergency button and then
hide from the Secret Service.

That's great! Yeah.

I used to watch The West Wing,
and on The West Wing,

the Vice President wasn't allowed
to do anything, and if he made

any speeches or said anything
at all, he had to clear it

with the President's office.

I think it is that - I think it is

very much under the tight control
of the Oval Office.

Calvin Coolidge, I don't know
if he would have complained

because he was the most silent
President of all time.

He was so taciturn, he was said
to be able to be silent

in several languages.

And when he died,
the great wit Dorothy Parker said,

"How could they tell?"

But the Vice President on
the right there, Charles Dawes,

he did write a number-one single.

It was called It's All In The Game,
sung by Tommy Edwards -

the first black American
to reach number one.

That is not Tommy Edwards.
Who is that?

That's Bob Dylan, isn't it?
It is Bob Dylan.

I was going to ask you the question,

who is the only other person
to get a Nobel Prize?

Argh! Hey!

Bob Dylan.

Five points. Yes. Very well done.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Years and years and years ago,

I did meet one of
the Vice Presidents -

I met Nelson Rockefeller,

and he was the Vice President
under Gerald Ford.

And he died in 1979
of a heart attack.

So the initial reports were
that he had died at his desk.

Mm, the speculation was that
he'd probably had a heart attack

by having sex with his secretary.

Anyway, the rumour gave New York
Magazine a chance to run the quip,

"Nelson thought he was coming,
but he was going."

That's rough, that is.

I was very fond of Mike Pence.

He had an Instagram account
entirely devoted to pictures

of his pet rabbit.

Which kind of rabbit? Yeah.

APPLAUSE

I might take £5 off your bet
for that.

What's the virtue
in having a vibrating toe?

Oh... Wow...

No.

Absolutely not. You don't need
to waste any money on a rabbit.

Yeah. That's so true.

Meringue making?

I would put all my husband's
socks on one by one,

and make holes in them
with my vibrating toe,

and then deny all knowledge.

So we're in the animal world here.

Oh! It's going to be, it can crack
eggs or it's a hunting device.

It can... Defence.
It's a hunting device.

You're absolutely right. Let's have
a look at these extraordinary frogs.

They're called holy cross frogs.

Oh, I like them. Or crucifix frogs.

Can you see the sort of shape
of the crucifix?

Yeah, yeah. They look like
hot cross buns.

Yeah, absolutely they do.

Hot cross frog. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I think hot
and not cross,

I think in this instance,
because what they're doing is called

amplexus, which is the mating
position of frogs.

This is basically frog porn
that we're looking at.

How does it work exactly?

So they live in boroughs
in New South Wales and in Queensland

and so on. Live mostly underground.

Anyway, they practise something
called pedal luring, OK?

And what it does is
it involves vibrating a toe

backwards and forwards to mimic
a small insect, and then they eat

the large insect that has been
tricked into nibbling their toe,

thinking it was a tasty morsel.

So look at the toe there, it's...

And so what happens is a large
insect thinks that's a small insect,

is attracted to the toe.

I don't know how they miss the frog.

I don't know how they go...

But apparently it works,
cos he looks well fed.

We have to credit the Australian
Museum in Sydney for that footage.

Quite right.

But the really extraordinary thing
about them is not necessarily

the pedal luring, which
I think in itself is amazing,

they give off this gluey substance
from their skin.

So first of all, it makes
small insects stick to them,

and then they can basically take off
that layer of skin and eat that,

bugs and all,
a bit like the toppings on a pizza.

It's a little bit like that. So...

GROANING
Ugh!

I'm not standing up for the
crucifix frog here. But it helps

males and females stick together,
so during amplexus

it prevents the male from...

..sliding off.
I don't know what...

It's not my area, but it...

APPLAUSE

..means sex apparently can last
for hours, which why wouldn't it?

And... Because it's boring.

Oh, I'm definitely going to get you
a different rabbit. Um...

I just ca...
ALAN LAUGHS

I know how much you like chainsaws,

and now I don't know
what this rabbit...

Some sort of petrol-driven sex toy
is going to end up in Dulwich.

IMITATES CHAINSAW

Now you mention it...

I know... I know a Turkish guy

who can get you a
spinning one if you like.

I'd rather have a kebab.

It may deter predators
because they get confused by it -

it has a rather strange texture
and may make them...

Oh, I'll bet it
DOES deter predators.

Surely it makes it very difficult
to escape if you're glued

inside another one.

Yeah, I imagine that that's not
a good moment to be interrupted.

I would... I would think so.

There's no other kind of amphibian
that creates this kind of glue.

There are lots that eat
their own skin.

You remember I said about the
pizza toppings? Dermatophagy.

But you do find something called
maternal dermatophagy -

basically, the mother keeps
growing layers of skin

specifically for her children
to scrape off and eat.

MURMURING AND GROANING

So there was a mix of
"ahh" and "eurgh".

Just kind of went both ways.

There are some amazing
creatures in Australia.

Some, unfortunately,
are now extinct.

The gastric-brooding frog.

This is one of the most
unusual things

that I have ever seen in my life.

They haven't been seen
in the wild since 1981.

So the female frog ingested
their own egg,

which they later regurgitated

as a fully formed froglet.

OK? Oh, look at it! Oh, wow!

Oh, yes, "wow"!

Russian doll of a frog. Yes!

So they secrete a substance
which forms a sort of jelly

around the eggs while
they're in the guts,

and prevents the stomach acid
from harming them.

It's nice to see the Microsoft
Office paperclip has got a new job.

Can I just say that this image
is thanks

to the late Professor
Mike Tyler's wife, Ella?

Thank you.
APPLAUSE

Also in Australia,
red triangle slugs.

Right? They... Oh, here we go.
Yeah. So... Look at that!

It's almost like a little heart
on the back. Yeah.

Red shape. Evolution's just given up
with that one, hasn't it?

Well... Pff. Oh... I don't know.

It looks like a tattoo
on my penis, actually.

Did you just say "it looks
like the tattoo on my penis"?

Yeah. OK.

Do you not care about being
in the edit of this at ALL?

So they give off a defensive glue,
but they use it against frogs.

And this is really clever.
Against frogs?

Against frogs.
So they give off this glue.

The frog sticks to the branch
and the slug goes off.

The slug... Really
slowly. "Heh-heh-heh!

"Haha-haha!"

And then the frog will get eaten
by a bird or something.

What eats slugs?

I mean... That's a good question.

We've got loads in our garden.

Do you know what the best thing is?
Beer. Beer?

Then you forget you've got them.
Yeah!

If you bury a small glass of beer
in the ground,

then they will crawl along
and fall into the beer.

Well, what they do, though,
Sandi, what they do is

they congregate on top
of the recycling bin.

I mean, it's middle-class hell.

LAUGHTER
It really...

Right, and back to vice again.

What is your opinion
on erotic landscape gardening?

What do we think?
Vile or "vonderful"?

I think it's sort of like it's...

Erotic landscape gardening
at the moment

is quite tasteful, isn't it?

Because the only people
who can afford gardens

are in their 70s.

Are you aware of the concept?

I've got a search history.

Oh, I see. I didn't even know
it existed as a thing.

Yes. Is it? I thought it was like
trimming your pubic...

..bush.

Bush. Well, it...

No, not, no, OK. Wait.

LAUGHTER

So it's not your
personal bush, darling.

Oh! It's cutting hedges into
the shape of boobs. Right.

I see. Oh, did you think
it was on yourself?

Yeah. Because, like,
I mean, too much...

Gardening?

18th-century Britain,

there was an aristocratic craze
for erotic landscape gardening.

So the most full-on example belonged
to Sir Francis Dashwood,

who's just one of those
characters from history...

LAUGHTER

You don't say! Isn't he great?

I love him! And, obviously,
what did he do for a living?

Politician? Yeah. Yeah.

Famous for his debauched parties.

He had an estate at West Wickham,
near Oxford.

He had breast-like hills,
which were topped with pink flowers

that were like nipples.

He had a mound featuring
an oval-shaped doorway

leading into a tunnel that was
designed to resemble a vagina.

Oh. This is what I mean about it
all being sort of tame and tasteful.

Wait till the younger generation
can afford gardens.

You'll have bushes that look
like ball gags. Yeah.

I don't even know what that is.

Eshaan, do you mind explaining?
Yeah.

He added a giant golden ball to the
top of the local church steeple,

and he used to use it as a viewing
gallery to show guests his estate.

And the story goes that he took
the vicar up there, and he arranged

for all the fountains in
the garden to burst into life

in each of the garden's
erogenous zones.

Apparently the vicar needed
a stiff drink afterwards.

So is he the only one, or...?
No, no.

And women, too, darling.

So there's a rather marvellous woman
who I think has sort of

been slightly forgotten, who was
the artist called Mary Delany.

So she was married twice to men,
very likely that she had quite a lot

of sexual relationships
with women, as well,

although that's not something
that was written down.

But she designed gardens
with a vulva-like grotto.

She would organise sessions
in the grotto

with her female companions.

The most interesting thing - and
this is now in the British Museum -

is this huge collection
called the Flora Delanica.

So behind, that looks
like a watercolour,

behind the picture of her,

these are actually all made
of tissue paper.

It's what used to be called
decoupage,

she called them her paper mosaics.

She didn't start until she was 72.

She carried on doing them
until she was 88

and her eyesight failed.
But look at the detail of them.

It looks like it's a painting,
doesn't it?

Is this not a thing any more?
Erotic landscape gardening?

Is it just a thing of the past?

Well, I'm not aware of it,
but then I'm...

Well, they should bring it back.
Yeah.

I want to see Chelsea Flower Show
After Dark. Yeah. Mm! Yeah.

But there are some places which
are sort of natural features.

There's a cave in Bulgaria -
the Utroba Cave -

that's been associated with
fertility since the Thracian period,

so more than 2,000 years ago.
JO SCOFFS

ESHAAN LAUGHS
I know!

So the name of it means womb, right?

But apparently the shape
of the entrance also casts

a phallic ray of light into
the cave every day at midday.

So here's the thing
we wanted to show you.

There's a vulva-like sculpture made

by an artist called
Fernando de la Jara, right,

and it's in Germany.
And in 2014, an American student...

There's the sculpture.

An American student got stuck in it.

Wow! Yeah.

And it took 22 firefighters
to get him out.

And there is a photograph of it,
but we were not allowed to show it.

OK? And I was so determined
that you should see this,

that we have spent part of today
as a team...

Doing a collage!

Please admire.

Brilliant. Yeah.

We're very proud.

APPLAUSE

Yes. Thank you.

Now it's time for a wanton
destruction of the much-loved

pillars of knowledge that we call
General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

What kind of animal is Ratty
in the Wind In The Willows?

Oh, come on.

It's a rat.

KLAXON

No.

He's a vole. Yes!

Yes! Oh!

He's a water vole because...?

There is no such... No such thing
as a water rat.

There's no such thing
as a water rat. Absolutely right.

But rats can swim. They can.

But they are not water rats.
They're just...having a laugh.

They just like swimming.

I think voles are lovely.

They're sort of charismatic
little creatures, do you not think?

I once visited the island of Skomer
off the coast of Wales -

it's a nature reserve,
and it's quite isolated -

and on it there is a small
creature called the Skomer vole

that actually we should all know
about. There it is, it's very cute.

It eats bracken,
which is carcinogenic,

and it has no ill effects
on the vole.

And we now think,
if we can work out why,

this may help us in the treatment
of cancer. Oh, wow.

So we've got to learn
to speak vole. Yes.

Yeah. And then ask it. Yeah.

Here is something
that sounds like a vole.

What kind of animal is it?

Mole.

KLAXON

It's a golden mole.

It's not actually a mole.

And it is more closely
related to the elephant,

which is a distant cousin. Oh!

Its closest relations
are the shrew-like tenrec

that you find in Madagascar. OK. OK.

And the otter shrew, interestingly,
which - neither of them are shrews.

I mean, some things are
just badly named.

The golden mole has the best kidneys
you're ever going to come across.

They can go their entire lives
without drinking

a single drop of water. Wow!
They're blind.

And their ears, because
they're blind, are so sensitive,

they can distinguish between
the footsteps of an ant

and termites walking above them.

How do they know that?

They asked them. Yeah. Yeah.

Is it an ant?!
Oh, sorry.

Is it an ant?

"It's a termite."

Correct! Ratty is not a rat

and the golden mole is not a mole.

Right, you are climbing this
mountain

and you have run out of water.

What should you do to rehydrate?

Do you drink your own urine?

No...you do not.

Do you drink someone else's urine?

No. So here is the thing.

It contains the waste products
that your kidneys have already

got rid of, right? So you're not
going to do all that well

because they can cause kidney
failure. Is this a trick question?

Yeah. Yeah, course it is. Yes. Yes.

When snow falls... Yeah.
..it gathers within it

all of the crap in the air,

so isn't necessarily good for you.

That's all I know about it.

And all the flakes are different.

Unlike cornflakes.

So are you saying...? So are you...?
Many of which are the same.

So are you saying to eat snow
or not eat snow?

I wouldn't dream of it.
Wouldn't dream of eating snow. OK.

It is a really bad idea to eat snow.

So it's going to dehydrate
you even more

because of the additional
energy expenditure.

You're trying to keep
your internal organs warm.

If you put a whole lot of cold stuff
inside you, that's not

really going to help you.

So the safest thing to do is to find
some way to melt the snow before.

Melt it and drink it.

When I was eight, I climbed up
Snowdon with my dad... Aw!

..and it was, like,
a really hot day.

And I was sensible at eight
and he wasn't, cos I said,

"Should we take some water with us?"
And he went, "No, it's fine,

"there'll be a cafe
at the top." And...

LAUGHTER
Anyway, we got to the top,

there WAS a cafe, but it was shut.

Aw! I think that's when
I started to realise

my dad was a bit of a knob.

Did you get the train
back down again?

I don't think there was
a train in those days.

My dad made us walk up
that and we got the train.

Yeah. "There's a train?!"

Yeah. "Can we get the train down?"
"No, we can't get the train down

"because the car's on
the other side of the mountain."

"Oh, fuck me."

I don't know how well you're going
to do with this question, Alan.

If you are starving, can you
cut off and eat your own leg?

Ooh! Yes.

You'd have to be careful
not to bleed to death.

Yeah.

You cauterise the wound, Jo.

Yeah, cos you'd have... No.

You'd have some equipment with you.

Yeah. Is there a...? Do you have
one of those portable barbecues

with you, at least?
Well, in that case,

you could just melt some snow
and not bother with the leg,

I think would be the thing.

But, I mean, I imagine the initial
shock, the risk of infection -

none of it's a good idea.
Although I do like this question.

If you ate your own leg,
would you weigh the same afterwards?

LAUGHTER

Oh! Yes.

Until you go to the toilet.
Yeah. Yeah.

And then the foot comes out
your arse. Yeah.

What a weird day that was.

And the foot's going...

I was hopping around on my bum.

Wouldn't it be nice
to be happy all the time?

Argh! Yes.

KLAXON

Yeah. Why do you think yes?

No, I think probably it wouldn't

because you wouldn't have
any friends, would you?

Happy people are so annoying.

Yeah.

You won't feel happy
if you're happy all the time.

Yeah. You won't feel the highs, man.
That's exactly right.

You need the lows
to feel the highs, right?

Yeah. Yass, Queen!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

You need to have
some negative feelings.

Happier people do less well
in negotiation.

You've got to feel a bit of anger
when you're trying

to negotiate with people.

It's also a hallmark
of being a psychopath,

if you're just happy the whole time.

There was a guy, a French
Tibetan monk, in 2012 -

he's called Matthieu Ricard -

he's a close adviser of
the Dalai Lama, and he was named

the world's happiest man -
there he is -

by researchers
at the University of Wisconsin.

And they scanned his brain
and he was upset by this.

He said he is usually happy,
but he has been unhappy,

like the time his friend
threw flour on his laptop.

I mean, that would do it
to you, wouldn't it?

Yeah. My niece once poured
undiluted Ribena on my laptop.

Ooh. That was rough. I lost, like...

Is she still with us?

So, now let's get a vicelike grip
on the scores.

Entirely beyond saving,

with -24,

it's Alan.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

In third place, with a sinful -7,

is Jo.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's not bad, is it?

And our new patron saints of QI,

joint first with -4,

Rhys and Eshaan.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Great work. We did it.

That's all from
Eshaan, Rhys, Jo, Alan and me,

and to sum up our own twin themes
tonight, here's Elizabeth Taylor.

"The problem with people who have
no vices is that, generally,

"you can be pretty sure
they're going to have

"some pretty annoying virtues."
Thank you and goodnight.

APPLAUSE