Original subtitles

So the restaurant is fully booked?

Oh! Say you're Steve Martin!

What if I said...

I'm Steve Martin?

Hello?

It's impossible to get a weekend dinner reservation in this city.

I can't keep asking my dates to come with a full stomach.

It... It's creepy as hell.

I finally got into that NYU study for extreme sleepwalking.

All it took was security footage of me

in pajamas driving that city bus.

So what about you, Judge? Any fun weekend plans?

You know she doesn't. She's just gonna lie

and give us the plot to a '90s movie.

So you knew I wasn't coaching

a Jamaican bobsled team last weekend?

Alright, look. Jake's out of town,

so my life's been kind of boring lately,

but next weekend, I am driving across country

in my blue convertible

with my best friend Thelma and...

Whatever! Just call court!

The People vs. Jane Doe.

A living Jane Doe. How refreshing.

When the defendant was arrested,

she refused to give her name

and threw her wallet into the water of a hot-dog cart.

Please take off your hat and glasses.

I only allow anonymity in my courtroom during Secret Santa.

You're Mayim Bialik!

TV's Blossom is in our courtroom!

Can we not make a big deal out of it?

I put my pants on one leg at a time

just like any other five-time

Emmy-nominated actress with a PhD.

You don't understand. When I was a kid,

I would pretend that I was best friends with Blossom.

I could do your entire dance from the opening credits.

Is this like that "Blossom" episode

where a stolen item turned up at a garage sale

that you and Six were hosting?

I physically assaulted a guy.

Dr. Bialik was dining in a vegan restaurant

when she attacked the chef with a tofurken,

which is like a turducken, but for no one.

Your Honor, the restaurant claims to be vegan,

so can you imagine my client's outrage

when she discovered the secret menu item,

which was a bacon sandwich where the bread is steaks?

Okay. I-I think I've heard enough.

Um, not guilty.

And I fine the restaurant $10 million.

It's a vegan restaurant!

They don't have that kind of money.

You're right. I can't be fair.

But good luck finding a judge who isn't a huge "Blossom" fan!

I can't believe I totally embarrassed myself

in front of Mayim Bialik.

Younger me is so pissed right now,

she's going through another goth phase.

Who cares what an actor thinks?

Though I guess if we had paid more attention

to John Wilkes Booth,

things might have shaken out differently.

Oh. She's still here.

You think I should talk to her and try to redeem myself?

Oh, Abby, yeah.

I... And I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

I don't care.

I just don't want to sound like some stalker.

You can't pull off stalker.

I could totally buy you as lonely Victorian ghost.

Okay. I'm gonna introduce myself.

Gonna play it supes cool.

50 bucks says she passes out before they make eye contact.

I don't bet on friends.

Told you I could take the moral high ground.

Pay up, Sandy.

Hi, Abby. My name is Mayim.

I mean, your name is Abby.

I mean, I'm Ab-im. No. No one's Ab-im. Apologies.

I'm sorry. A-Are you okay? Do you need help?

I'm a doctor, but not that kind.

I was just trying to say hello,

- but I'll stop bothering you now. - You know what? Please don't.

Everyone assumes when you're famous,

you've got tons going on.

but honestly my life's pretty boring.

I've stretched out my skincare routine to 17 steps.

Mine's at 18!

You know, sometimes I play a game

where I take a melatonin and see

how many I can get through before I pass out.

- I play the same game! - Ohh!

Okay. I'm just gonna shoot my shot.

Is there any chance you'd want...

Do the "Blossom" opening credits dance with you?

Do you have any idea how many people ask me to do that?

Zero. I'd love to.

Amazing!

Um, Siri, play my wedding processional.

♪ Stop all your fussin', slap on a smile ♪

♪ Come out and walk in the sun for a while ♪

Huh. So dancing can be nonsexual.

I can't believe I danced with Blossom!

You know, I've actually done a lot of things besides "Blossom."

"Call Me Kat." "The Big Bang Theory."

Huh. You were in that?

I only remember the girl with the high voice.

She was great.

Well, that's it!

Society is officially crumbling!

Time to fill your bathtubs with water

and melt all your fillings.

Did someone see a dog in a sweater?

Oh! No! Worse than that.

I'm running for the elevator because the doors are closing.

I yell at the dude inside, "Hold it!"

He does nothing. What happened to civility?

You know, what happened to the days

of three-martini lunches

and - and gentlemen with big ideas like... war?

You're not wrong. Ever try to get

the new Travis Scott Nikes?

Hm?

Forgot who I was talking to.

But that's the world. What can you do?

Oh, no. I'm gonna do something, you know.

Because as those doors were closing, I reached in

to try and stop them, grabbed this.

When I find the owner of this pocket square,

there will be... a reckoning.

This gets a reckoning,

but when someone pants'ed me in court, nothing?

Guess who just had the most fun weekend of their life.

It wasn't me. I couldn't get a dinner reservation,

so I put a chef's hat on my mom

and pretended her apartment was a pop-up.

But then word got out and I couldn't get

a reservation there, either.

It was me. I had the fun weekend.

Oh. Did you finally start

that "Little House on the Prairie" OnlyFans?

Mayim and I hung out, and we had the best time.

We went shopping. We prank-called Joey Lawrence.

She snuck me into a Mensa meeting.

I got to wear glasses.

We have different ideas of what makes a fun weekend.

So you and your new celebrity friend

spent the whole weekend together?

Yeah, and some of this morning.

She was at my apartment when I woke up.

- Ah. - She came by with a gift.

Oh.

It's a picture of you... fast asleep.

Taken without your knowledge.

Oh, this doesn't raise any red flags, does it?

She brought me a gift and wants to be around me?

No. It's flattering.

I mean, if she's obsessed with me at all,

it's in a totally normal and healthy way.

Hey! Just a reminder!

Even in the dark, we can hear your zippers!

Abby?! Are you okay?!

This feels healthy.

Mayim. What are you doing here?

Well, I was just in the neighborhood,

and it's a good thing I was 'cause it looks like

my best friend needs a lantern!

And on the bright side, now you can't work,

so there's nothing to keep us apart.

Great. It's like a snow day.

Except everyone is scared.

Hey. Where's your hat?

You wanted to talk?

Is this about my not wearing a bra to work?

Because I have a doctor's note saying that I don't need one.

I actually just wanted to circle back

on the stuff you were saying about Mayim.

Oh, you mean the fact that she's a textbook stalker?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Yeah, she's a little clingy,

and I'm pretty sure she chewed through a power line

and blamed it on a family of rats,

but "stalker" makes her sound crazy.

The question is, what type of stalker? Hmm.

Does she want you all to herself,

like in "Fatal Attraction"?

Is it a "Single White Female" where she wants to be you?

Or is it the Julianne Special

where she just wants your whole life destroyed

while looking fabulous doing it?

I think we just need to have a conversation about boundaries.

I mean, how is she supposed to know

I don't want her digging through my trash?

She's not a mind-reader.

Let me talk to Mayim.

Now, I have a little free time

since the oligarch I'm dating was poisoned... again.

But, you know, the good news is,

if she is a stalker, you really don't have to worry

until she infiltrates your social circle.

We are so excited to welcome you into our social circle.

Well, I am so excited to be welcomed.

And I'm really sorry about your sleep issues.

I'm a neuroscientist, so I can get you

into the sleep study all the celebrities use.

That would be incredible.

I can't keep waking up in Delaware.

Ohh!

And, Wyatt, if you ever need to impress a date, let me know.

I'm a neuroscientist, so I can get you

into all the best restaurants under the city.

Don't you mean in the city?

No.

What...

That's so nice!

And if there's anything we can do for you...

Well, actually, I'd love to pick your brains about Abby.

You know, small stuff like favorite foods,

allergies, reaction time when startled.

Are you throwing her a surprise party?

Sure.

So just put all those tidbits in a list.

And if there's anything she's touched, that would be great

'cause I could use her fingerprints.

Uh, for the party!

I just need security footage from one elevator.

Well, if you don't have access to it, who does?

What do you mean "the highest bidder"?

That's a beautiful pocket square.

Oh, yeah, it belongs to a Grade-A jackass

who doesn't hold elevators.

When the small niceties crumble,

is society so far behind?

That's exactly what I said!

But he remains at large, looking ridiculous

without a... without a single pop of color.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know, as a neuroscientist,

I studied the effects of sewing on the brain.

This was clearly stitched by a man in his early 80s,

French-Canadian.

Straddling two worlds but belonging in neither.

Wait a minute. That describes only one haberdasher

in New York... Jacques Bernard!

But he's never gonna reveal his client list.

Well, he would if we had his granddaughter.

Just hypothetically.

I-I'll get us some coffee. We'll find his weakness.

And maybe a Danish?

Two coffees, please.

Hello, Mayim.

Interesting to see you spending so much time in a place

that's basically an indoor bus stop.

You must really care about Abby.

Well, who wouldn't? She's a special person.

Alright. Spare me, stalker.

I know that you are nuttier than a bag of trail mix.

Uh, Julianne, you have me all wrong.

I'm not a stalker. I'm just a regular gal.

Where would I even find a woman-sized birdcage?

It would take the type of money that only a regular cast member

on several genre-defining sitcoms could afford.

Am I right, girlfriend?

Hey, Dan. Have you seen Julianne?

I haven't been able to reach her.

Have you tried a step stool?

Good news, Dan! I got the lab results and...

- Oh. Hi, Abby. - Mayim. You're here.

Right in the bull's-eye of my social circle.

She's using science to help me track down

the owner of the pocket square.

Probably better than my method, just screaming at strangers.

I analyzed the fabric and found traces

of egg, sausage, and horseradish.

Horseradish. That is the sandwich at the cafeteria!

They use the horseradish

to mask the taste of the salmonella!

You know what? I'm gonna call the local E.R.

See who they've admitted today.

That Dan is really something.

I know all you see is a gruff curmudgeon,

but give him a chance.

He'll really surprise you.

Hey! I'm always surprised by Dan!

If I was one of those goats that fainted

whenever they were surprised, I'd never be awake!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know what you're worried about.

You do?

You're not gonna lose me.

In fact, let's find brothers and marry them right now.

I would, but I... I really need to find Julianne.

Julianne? Tall woman, slim, not a neuroscientist?

She mentioned something about wanting to take some time off

and not wanting anyone to bother her.

If I were you, I'd never think about her again.

There's something I need to tell you guys.

It's gonna sound crazy. Just hear me out.

I think Mayim kidnapped Julianne.

- My Mayim? - She's my Mayim.

What? She's not your Mayim or your Mayim.

She's my Mayim, and she's only talking to you

to get closer to me!

Someone is full of themselves.

Judge, should we be worried about you?

Are you chewing nicotine gum instead of regular gum again?

Because you know that gives you the zoomies.

Nicotine gum. Remember to add that to Mayim's list

- under "Frequent Blunders." - What list?

Well, it was supposed to be a surprise,

but she has a list of things she wants to know about you.

That's right. The woman you accused of being insane

actually cares so much about you,

she wants to know your Social Security number,

the duration of your menstrual cycle...

Oh. Now I hear it.

I don't feel good about breaking into Mayim's apartment.

We're not breaking in.

We're entering with permission and snooping without.

I don't want to upset Mayim. She got me in to see the doctor

that cured Usain Bolt's restless legs syndrome.

Imagine how fast that leg was going.

And I have dinner reservations under her name.

I don't want to burn any bridges.

You don't want to burn any bridges

with a kidnapping stalker?!

Not until Sunday.

Okay. We'll be subtle.

Mayim can't have any clue we're onto her.

What are you guys...

- Hey! Hey! - This wasn't my choice!

I'm sleepwalking!

Um, you know, we were just, uh, stopping by to tell you

that I found brothers for us to marry.

I'd love to hear more about it.

Why don't you come in?

And, uh, pardon the mess. I just remodeled.

Huh. It's super dark in here.

Oh. I'll get the lights.

Whoa!

Well, this is cozy.

You see? She turned her apartment into my office.

Except better!

Oh. Julianne. You're safe and alive.

You're alive and you're alive,

and we're all gonna stay that way, right?

You're so clever.

I'm gonna drop this in the kitchen.

Don't worry. We're here to save you.

Save me? I'm having a wonderful time.

You know, Mayim is deliciously bonkers.

Wait. So this isn't as bad as it seems?

Oh, no. It is. You're not safe here.

Didn't you get my texts?

Ah. Yeah, I got 'em, and I came to Crazytown anyway!

Of course I didn't get the texts!

Ah. They didn't go through.

Sorry. Your devices won't work in here.

This is a cellular dead zone.

I don't like distractions.

The only downside is if something terrifying happens,

you can't call for help.

Mayim! Look! So listen. The cafeteria gave me all their...

Just a sec.

So, hey, Mayim! Nope. Still weird.

Okay. Well, I guess we should be going.

Oh.

No. Please. Make yourselves comfortable.

In my opinionation, you're gonna be here a long time.

♪ Stop all your fussin' ♪

Abby, isn't this fun?

This is your dream, right?

It's everything I wanted.

You know what? Actually...

Let's take a break.

It's time for my surprise. Don't go anywhere.

Kidding. You can't.

Okay. We don't know how much time we have

- to find a way out of here. - Yeah, yeah. Come on.

Listen. We can take her!

There's only one of her, and there's...

four and a half of us!

Really? We're in mortal danger,

and you're still making height jokes?

Oh, the unexpected timing makes it funnier.

Maybe we can go through the window!

Maybe we can go through the brick wall!

No need, Wyatt. If I can sleepwalk my way

into the Met Gala, I can sleepwalk us out of here.

Now, hush!

Oh, shoot. I can't sleep without my retainer!

Okay. The remote is the only way out of here.

We just need to figure out a way

to distract her long enough to steal it.

So how do I look?

So it is "Single White Female."

I read you as "Fatal Attraction."

Oh. My bad.

Mayim, what do you want from me?

Isn't it obvious, Abby? I want your life.

Excuse me. You could pick any life in the city,

and you chose hers?

You know Kelly Ripa lives here?

Abby has it all.

I want a coworker best friend,

a debonair surrogate dad, a hot nerd,

a "will they, won't they" with a cougar

fresh out of her cage.

I think you're misreading that relationship.

Oh, she's not.

Oh. Best-friend selfie?

I can get the remote

just like snatching a pocket square

from that jerk in the elevator.

You know, Mayim, I gotta be honest with you.

I don't care anymore.

I don't care what you do to Abby.

You can be her. You can cook her. I don't care.

All I care about is the vulgarian who took my dignity.

Now, will you help me go through these receipts or not?

I think that would be kind of rude to my other prisoners.

Yes, we could ask someone

who's not a neuroscientist to do it.

Well, that's dumb. Give me those.

Okay. Good. You know, there was an interesting one...

- Ohh! - Yeah, yeah, I got it!

- What are you... - Abby! Here!

We're getting out of here!

- See you in hell, Bialik. - Come on.

Sorry.

Only works with my fingerprints.

Come on. That's, like, Evil Genius 101.

Abby, I thought you were my friend.

But if you're not my friend, then you're my enemy.

And there's only one thing to do to an enemy.

And scene! Scene. Scene.

That was amazing! How did it feel?

It felt good. It felt really, really right.

Can someone explain what's going on?

Oh. Everybody, this is Bryan.

He's my acting coach.

This whole thing has been character research

for playing the role of a stalker in a new play.

"The Cable Gal." What?!

Why? Who wants this?

I'm really sorry for the inconvenience,

but I had no choice.

It was the only way I could get authentic reactions from you.

Chills. I have chills.

All this for a play?

Rich people really do love to waste money.

I've got to tell you, Mayim.

As far as actors go, I mean, you've got my respect.

You had me the whole time.

Uh, except when you called Wyatt hot.

Then I... got out of it a little bit.

But just a little bit.

I do feel much better.

Weirdly not as much as I should.

I'm kind of disappointed you don't want my life.

Oh. Don't take it personally.

I'm sure there's a lot of people who would want to be you.

Just not me.

Because, I mean, come on. I'm Mayim Bialik.

You know what? It was nice of Mayim to get us into previews.

Hey. Two coffees. She's got it.

Well, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.

The play was bad.

The nudity did not serve the story.

Abby, be cool.

You know I can't!

Just... Shh! That navy suit.

Look. That's what goes with this pocket square.

Yeah. Alright, Elevator scum. Why don't...

Oh. This box. It's for you, Abby.

Oh. It's from Mayim.

Aww. She got me a hat. Oh. There's a card.

It says "I'm so sorry...

Aww.

I didn't kill you when I had the chance."

So was Mayim behind the pocket square the whole time?

Or is this just her way to play mind games to get attention?

I'm gonna tell you! I hate actors!

It's funny!