Original subtitles

[AUDIO LOGO]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

MARCY: So what do you want to toast to?

DAN: How about to our incredible sex life?

Mhm, let's toast to that.

So what room do you want to do it in next?

Mhm.

Well, we've already conquered the entire downstairs.

Let's just be boring and do it in the bedroom.

Mhm, yeah, let's be boring all night long.

Mhm, I have a surprise for you.

Actually, I prefer you in nothing at all.

It's not for me.

[CHUCKLES] But how would you know?

Your mom told me.

Now let's get you in uniform.

Now I know how you've always admired

Gil's gas pumping abilities.

So...

Hi, guys.

So I invited him over to watch.

I hope he does more than just watch.

You really are the greatest.

[GLASS BREAKING]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Is that you?

No, it's the alarm clock.

The alarm clock?

[ALARM RINGING]

Mhm, baby, the alarm.

[ALARM RINGING]

Oh, Dan, I'm sleeping.

Right.

I'll just be in the shower.

Care to join me?

Mhm, rain check.

Just a little sore.

Sure.

Rain check.

[DOG BARKING]

[YAWNS] I gotta get laid.

Good morning, Daniel.

Morning, Mr. Hiatt, Mrs. Hiatt.

Beautiful day.

Did you have any luck last night?

Oh.

Don't worry, she'll come around.

The whole neighborhood is pulling for you.

Thanks, Mrs. Hiatt.

Did you bring up the anal yet with the Mrs?

Not yet, Mr. Hiatt.

Well, because you know, Mrs. Hiatt

wasn't always this frisky.

No, it took a little bit of back door loving just

to get our love life rolling.

Oh, Henry.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, tell him about the tape.

Oh, yeah, we made this video.

Well, I'm off to work.

Well, we'll pray for you, Daniel.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Baby, I like your dreadlocks maybe.

You make my heart stop, baby.

I'll make your dreams come true.

Baby, you make my heart sing maybe.

I like your toes, baby.

Can I rock with you?

Why can't it be that easy for me?

[SIGH]

Hey, Dan.

Any good news?

No.

Jeez.

I'm just a freshman, and even I'm getting pussy every night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Baby, I like your dreadlocks maybe.

You make my heart stop, baby.

I'll make your dreams come true.

Hey, Dan.

Your old lady putting out yet?

What?

Hey.

It's the guy who's not fucking his wife.

Hey, you pork her yet?

[BUSY CHATTER]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Shame.

Morning, roadhog.

So...

Nothing.

Oh.

He is never getting laid.

Hey, congratulations, buddy.

All right, place your bets. Place your bets.

What do we got it?

It says here Marcy holds the world's record

for most consecutive headaches. - What do you got?

What do you got? What do you got?

Uh, February 3.

I'm not in the mood.

Ah, Marcy's five favorite words.

I'll take the second night of Passover.

Come on.

I'm just kidding.

Three months.

It's been three months since we got married.

I'm going insane here.

Another headache?

She's still, you know, sore.

Arg.

Who gets a vaginal piercing the night before their wedding?

Look, her piercer said she should feel

discomfort for a few months.

It's been a few months.

Sure it'll be any day now.

Arg.

I don't know how you do it, man.

Marcy must give one hell of an HJ, huh.

Actually, she has carpal tunnel.

Oh, that sucks.

But I'll bet her tongue still knows

its way around your balls, huh.

And lock jaw.

Oh, my god.

I had no idea it was that bad.

Morning, Dan.

Morning.

Good morning, Miss Fleckenshecker

Don, I hate to do this to you, but we're

running a little behind on the floppy ball line,

and I'd really appreciate it if you

could stay a few extra hours.

Sure thing, Miss Fleckenshecker.

Mhm, Don, please, we're family.

I'm your sister-in-law.

Call me Catherine.

OK, Catherine.

Catherine.

OK.

Wow.

It's official.

You have the hottest sister-in-law in the world.

Ooh, you should pull a sister swap.

Come on, Catherine's totally into you.

What?

I could never cheat on Marcy.

How do you spell foreshadowing?

F-O-U-R or F-O-R-E?

F-O-R-E.

Thanks.

And that's the third time this week

Catherine asked me to stay late If I missed another episode

of Two and Half Men, I'm not going to know what

the F is going on this season.

I'm going t get a promotion out of this.

Of course, you'll get a promotion.

Your father-in-law owns the company.

You think he's still pissed about your bachelor party?

Oh, here he comes.

Why don't you ask him?

Hey, Chuck.

What's up?

Good morning, Mr. Fleckenshecker.

Up yours, faggot.

Morning, daddy.

He's coming around.

Yesterday he just said, up yours.

Now at least you have a title.

Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out

if I had stayed with Catherine.

But then I wouldn't have gotten a get together with Marcy.

A rhetorical discourse intended

to explain information not otherwise

disclosed at a given moment.

Exposition.

Thank you.

So what do you want for lunch?

Chinese?

We had Chinese yesterday.

So?

I like Chinese.

You can't have Chinese two days in a row.

Of course, you can.

Do you think people in China ever

get tired of eating Chinese?

[ASIAN GONG]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

I have lunch plans with my folks anyway.

Well, hey, give your mom my best.

And your dad.

Give your mom and dad equal parts of my best

to both of them equally.

How are you talking about?

I got to go.

Damn it.

Take my shit.

They installed a mail slot blocker.

What?

Well, it's a device designed to keep

you from stuffing your shitty flyers in their door every day.

Oh, hey, what do you think about this?

Ooh, it kind of sucks.

Oh, say, did you land The Yapkowitz versus The Yapkowitz.

No.

As a matter of fact, I did not.

Sorry, Mo.

And you know what, you should be.

You didn't even make your parents

hire me for their divorce.

I said I was sorry.

You know what, you can take your story and suck my dick.

And your parents, they can suck my dick as well.

And that guy over there, I don't even know that guy.

That guy can suck my dick too.

Your family sucks.

You and your retarded haircut, and your dad

with his Jean shorts...

I mean, what the fuck wears jean shorts.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Sorry about what I said.

Oh, that's OK.

Hey, I'm still going to see you at the game on Saturday, right?

Yeah, I'll be early for shootaround.

[GLASS BREAKING]

What do you want?

Uh, I'm looking for my parents.

Who?

[GLASS BREAKING]

DAN'S MOTHER: Take that, you son of a bitch.

Mom.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Dan.

My baby boy.

Mom, what's going on here?

Oh that.

I thought you were your father.

Where's Dad?

And who is that woman who came to the door?

Well, I'd hardly call her a woman.

She's your father's new plaything.

A real tramp, if you ask me.

I can hear you.

I'm glad, you bitch.

So how are things at home?

You know, fine.

Things are pretty normal, I guess.

Oh.

So you two still haven't...

I'd rather not discuss my sex life with my mother.

I'll take that as a no.

Well, sex ruins marriages anyway.

That's because you're no good at it.

Dad, what happened to you?

Your mother shot me.

What?

I thought he was an intruder.

I was just protecting myself.

I was coming out of the shower, for Christ's sake.

Wait a second.

Hold on.

Where did you get a gun from?

I carry one around now for protection.

See.

Jesus, mom.

Well, you never know when some lowlife sleaze is going

to try and hurt you, break your heart,

and leave you for some skank who isn't

even old enough to vote yet.

I can still hear you.

I know you can.

So who's ready to eat?

Whoa.

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

Check out the dick and balls on this chick.

That's gross.

Well, whatever.

I don't have to get back to her right away.

So how'd it to go with the folks.

You know, seeing them always makes

me appreciate how good things are with me and Marcy.

I mean, yeah, we haven't had sex in three months,

but at least she hasn't shot me yet.

Whatever you say.

Whoa. Hey, whoa.

What are you what are you doing?

Getting sticky notes.

What the hell?

Why do you have a picture of my mom in your desk?

Well, you know, your mom's always been like a mom to me

too, you know, cooking dinner for me

and taking me to baseball practice

and tucking me in at night.

Dude, that was when we were seven.

Yeah, well, it's still really important to me.

I got to go.

[PHONE RINGING]

[TABLE SLAMMING]

Mr. Fields needs these by the end of the day.

[PHONE RINGING]

Are you all right?

Janey, how do you do it?

How do you maintain such a great marriage after all these years?

Honesty.

Without honesty, there can be no hope for...

Wait.

No, sex.

Sex is the foundation of every great marriage.

Without good sex, a marriage is hopeless.

Thank you.

No problem.

[PHONE RINGING]

Fields, Baker, and Thomas, how can I help you?

Hey, babe. It's me.

Hey.

I just want to let you know I'm

going to be home late tonight.

Your sister needs me here again.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah.

But I think that promotion is all about mine.

Of course, it is.

Just do anything and everything Catherine wants you to do.

Prove to her that you're capable of mastering all positions.

Oh, OK.

All right, so I'll see you later tonight.

Hey, listen.

I was thinking.

You know, it's been a few months,

and maybe if your vagina is feeling better later

we could fool around.

Hello.

Hello.

[SIGH]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey.

Oh, Catherine.

Staples, yeah, sure thing.

I'll bring them over in a bit.

OK, I'll bring them over right now.

Yeah.

Catherine.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTER]

Oh. Oh.

Let's go to the...

[CHATTER]

Yeah.

I'll have whatever he's drinking.

Whiskey.

You keep them coming.

What did you do?

Break the fax machine?

I had an affair.

You had an affair?

Like you went to a... like a gala or a social event?

I slept with Catherine.

Our boss?

No, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Oh, my god. I love her.

She was so good in Entrapment.

How did you even meet her?

Mike, I didn't sleep with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Dan, you know I'm not good with sarcasm.

Yes, sorry.

I slept with Catherine, our boss.

Wow.

Are her tits real?

She ambushed me.

Yeah, of course, she did.

She came out of the shadows like a ninja,

like a ninja with boobs.

Oh, she's going to kill me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, OK.

Tell me everything that happened in great detail,

starting from the beginning.

Well, I was sitting at my desk, and my phone rang.

Hey.

Oh, it's Catherine.

She says she needs to borrow some staples.

Could I come over to her office and drop some off.

So naturally, I thought this would just

be a routine staple exchange.

But what I got instead was far from routine.

[DOOR SLAMS]

I have a new assignment for you, Dan.

Ooh, what's that?

Humping the boss?

Your dad's gay?

Come here, goddamn it.

I want it.

Dan, I want it now.

Became clear to me now that she might not really

want my staples, but use them only as an excuse

to lure me to her office.

Give it to me.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

- Oh. - God.

Oh, oh, it's so medium sized.

Oh, yes.

- I tried to fight her off... - Give it to me.

But it was hopeless.

I figured my best bet was to just sit

back and wait until it was over, just

sit back and let her ravish me.

Come on.

Oh.

Give it. Come on.

Give it to me.

Let her have her way with my body,

caressing every square inch with her tongue in.

Go on.

Hey. Get out here.

Go back to your wings.

Ah, come on.

[ALL GRUMBLING]

BAR PATRON: You ruined it.

Go on.

Yes.

Ooh.

Oh, we're fucking.

Catherine, please.

CATHERINE: We are fucking now.

You're so perfectly medium sized.

Ooh, I love that big heart medium size.

Love it.

Yes, yes.

[MOANING]

Who's the boss now, huh?

Who is it?

Who's the boss, Dan? - You're the boss.

Yes.

Oh, you feel so good, Dan.

Do you like this?

Fucking you like this?

Yes.

Yes.

[MOANING]

Give me that.

Give me that floppy ball.

[MOANING]

god, I love this god damn floppy balls.

Oh,

This is terrible.

My marriage is over.

Well, only if you tell Marcy.

I have to tell her.

You know I'm not good at keeping secrets from her.

It's Kevin Spacey.

These guys are so sick.

[BOOING]

Now Marcy's going to divorce me, and I'll

end up like my parents.

[CHEERING]

Well, at least your mom makes up pretty good.

I mean, made out pretty good.

I don't... look, you know what I mean.

Oh, god, I'm such a dick.

Marcy would never do this to me.

You know why?

Because she's a good person, and good people

don't go around banging their wife's sister.

Well, what if she did?

What if Marcy slept with Catherine?

No.

What if she had an affair?

That way, when you go to confess,

she'll feel so bad that she has to forgive you.

You can forgive each other.

Jesus, man.

What is wrong with you?

And in case you haven't noticed, sex

isn't really high on Marcy's list of things to do.

Well, whatever.

She said it was going to take... what, three months

tops for her cooch to heal.

It's been three months.

Even if I wanted to go along with this plan,

Marcy certainly wouldn't.

She's not that kind of girl.

Well, you got to make her that kind of girl.

You got to start acting coldly towards her.

Come home late, always be in a bad mood,

knock her around a little.

What?

All right, don't come home late, whatever.

All I'm saying is, you can't be that same lovable asshole

that she fell in love with.

Where are you going?

Home, to tell my wife everything.

He's a dead man.

Hey, let me get a gimlet.

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR CLOSING]

Honey.

[GASPING]

Oh, sweetheart, you scared me.

Sorry.

Dinner will be ready in a second.

You want to set the table?

Marcy, there's something I need to tell you.

What is it?

I did something really bad tonight.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure we can make it better.

I slept with your sister.

You did what?

I know it was a horrible thing for me to do,

and I will make it up to you.

All right, I'll do it.

I'll find someone to have sex with my wife.

[CHEERING]

Let's go.

[DOOR OPENING]

Hi.

Hey.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Hey.

Tough day at work today?

Yep.

Chatherine's riding you pretty hard, isn't she?

We are fucking now.

Yeah, you could say that.

Well, what are you doing?

Giving my husband a massage.

I'm sorry.

You just caught me off guard.

We haven't been too intimate since the wedding,

and I know that's my fault. But I also want you

to know how much I love you.

You remember the first time I gave you a massage?

Wasn't it during my niece's wheelchair basketball game?

Mm-hmm.

Your bow tie was strangling you.

So you took it off, and we snuck out back

of the auditorium and into the cafeteria.

And then you lied down on the cool kids table,

and I got on top And straddled you.

And you proceeded to ride me throughout the entire slam dunk

competition.

And then our unbridled lust took over,

and you did me right there for the Sloppy Joe table.

[MOANING]

I'm a really tired.

I had a long day with...

[MOANING]

...god I love those goddamn floppy balls.

You know, Catherine riding me and all.

I'll go brush my teeth.

OK.

Hey.

Thanks for the massage.

Best one yet.

Anytime.

FRIEND: How about this guy in the ponytail?

DAN: I wouldn't post them up, you know what I mean.

FRIEND: Check out this guy with the crazy sideburns.

DAN: He looks like a huge douche bag.

FRIEND: Yeah, it's amazing.

It's like these guys leave their house

without looking in the mirror.

Some people have no self respect.

It's embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed for him.

You're embarrassed.

I haven't had sex in three months.

I can't go more than five minutes without the tan.

Good luck, man.

Yeah, how's the list of potential stunt cocks coming?

Oh, yeah, about that, just having a little trouble

coming up with the names.

How many you got?

None.

Yeah, we thought that might happen.

So we went ahead and made up a list for you.

Ha.

OK. All right.

All right.

I'll do it.

I'll see with Marcy.

I will sleep with Marcy.

But I'll tell you right now, I'm not going to enjoy it.

Well, that'll make the two of you.

That is the most horrifying thing I've ever imagined.

And no offense, but you do tend to screw everything up.

What are you talking about?

Sophomore year of high school when I

took Anna Marie to the movies.

You remember that?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You... you want some popcorn?

Shhh.

Not now.

You're sure?

It's really good.

Isn't this movie great?

Ed, man, I'm on a date here.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, popcorn. - No.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

[SCREAMING]

What about that sausage factory we worked at?

I mean, you can't go 10 feet in there

without tripping over some dong.

No, I don't think guys at work think of Marcy in a sexual way.

Oh, god, I'd like to bone her, just stick it up in that shit.

Yeah.

Oh, oh.

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

[MOANING]

Yeah, I got nothing.

[CHEERING]

I think this game is ending.

Let's go, guys.

[CHATTER]

[GROANING]

You got to move faster.

Faster.

Come on.

There's got to be someone at work who's good for Marcy.

Oh, what about Ted in accounting?

Too tall.

Mhm.

What about John from research and development?

Too short.

Ooh, how about Paul from the mailroom?

Is that guy quadriplegic?

Paraplegic?

He's still good from the waist down.

You should see him dance.

Look, I got to plan this out right.

Marcy's not just going to fall for any schlub off the street.

[CHEERING]

I think this game is ending.

Let's go, guys.

We had him had we played.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Oh, hey Marc.

You and your breaded friend need some privacy.

What?

Haven't you ever seen anybody butter a roll before?

Arg, sorry I'm late.

I have the worst yeast infection.

It is like yogurt and cottage cheese mixed.

Uh, can I start you off with...

Steak, rare, glass of your finest red.

Thanks, Tiger.

Do you know how to get cum stains out of wool?

Uh, so...

What?

So how are things going at work?

Nothing new to report, but I promise to keep you updated

the moment something arises.

So do you think you and Dan are, you know,

going to be able to work well together?

Never met a man who didn't work well below me.

[CHUCKLING]

Big hunk of beef.

Yep, that'd be me.

OK.

Thanks, Tiger.

And you must be the extra virgin.

Excuse me.

A Cobb salad with extra virgin oil and vinegar.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Seriously.

Do you know how to get cum out?

It's like club soda or something, right?

OK, listen.

So here's what you do.

You find a guy, you coach him on Marcy's turn ons,

and then he sleeps with her.

It's a piece of cake.

Where the shit have you been?

That's all we've been talking about all day.

For real?

And you told him about the cake?

I think this game is ending.

Fuck it.

Come on.

Stretching time.

[CHATTER]

So same time next week.

Still undefeated.

You like your wife?

Mhm.

That's too bad.

My man, ready to throw her out yet?

So this is your plan now, barricade yourself

behind a plate of buffalo wings?

Actually, I was hoping to swallow one of these guys whole

and choke to death.

Snap out of it, man.

What happened to the take no prisoners guy

we all fell in love with?

The guy who wouldn't back down from any challenge.

What happened to the schoolyard bully who used to give me

wedgies every day until my underwear

ripped and sent me crying home to my mother and father.

You hurt me so much.

I'm not fat.

Not fat.

I'm sorry.

I got a little worked up.

Oh, you're right.

I needed a good kick in the ass.

You know, I really appreciate you

guys helping me out on this.

Hey, one day when I'm married, I didn't cheat on my wife,

I expect nothing less of any of you guys.

You know it.

You're married?

Mm-hmm.

You like your wife?

Mm-hmm.

She getting fat yet?

Mm-hmm.

Give me a call.

Every douche bag in here is happily married.

Fucking bastards.

Oh, oh, oh, my commercial.

Are you tired of lackadaisical lawyers,

sitting behind their cushy desks, making faulty promises?

Well, I don't even have a desk because I'm too busy to sit.

I'm too busy working for you.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Maurice, the executioner Rodriguez, divorce lawyer,

and I will rape your spouse financially.

But don't take my word for it.

Take this guy's word.

That's right.

I kept it all, the house, the car, even my wife's clothes.

The executioner really took that slut to the cleaners.

But don't take my word for it, take hers.

Why didn't I hire the executioner?

Because you're an idiot.

Don't make the same mistake.

Call now.

See, I told you, you can't tell you got a tummy tuck.

Oh.

Oh.

So who you got it narrowed down to?

Oh, no one yet.

But I have limited my requirements to two.

What are they?

Well, first, you can't be better than me.

Oh, come on.

Who's better than you?

And he can't be from around here.

I don't want him hanging around once he's fulfilled

his obligation, so to speak.

It could be tough getting an outsider.

This town's pretty damn small.

Everyone knows each other, all their intimate details.

Hey, Ed.

How's your herpes?

I'm pretty sure that guy has me confused with another Ed

Dude, everyone knows you got the herps.

God damn it.

I just realized I borrowed your bathing suit last week.

Where would I find an outsider, a real wham bam,

thank you, ma'am, kind of guy?

Drifter.

ANNOUNCER (ON TV): We now return you to Waterworld, The Musical,

starring the traveling actor galore, Mack Mackenzie.

He knows of dry land.

I've seen his dirt.

But he's quick with a sword.

I warn you, be alert.

Something about him is off.

He's at least 20 kills.

He's hiding something, I know it.

Wait, stop him.

He's got kills.

[YELLING]

Well, if it's a fight that you want, then a fight

you shall get.

But warn you, I must, it's a fight you'll regret.

Mack Mackenzie in town now at the Huckleberry Playhouse

for a very limited engagement.

[SCREAMING]

I'd like to live in a water world.

I'd like that very much.

You wouldn't last 10 minutes in Waterworld.

Smokers would eat you alive.

Ooh, I got it.

It just hit me like a bolt of lightning.

That actor, Mack Mackenzie, he's the perfect man for the job.

You think so?

No, no, that is an absolutely terrible idea.

Why?

Actors get so much vagina.

That man probably has moves Dan's never even heard of.

Yeah, and I bet he's hung like a bear too.

He's got to have a huge cock.

Well, Dan, Dan, take a look around you,

at the assorted male population this town has to offer.

This is on a good night.

I'm telling you, that's the guy.

Oh, not that guy.

I've battled the best.

I'd fight Zeus up above, but look into my heart.

It just pumps love.

Yeah.

You know him?

I wish I didn't.

Now I don't want to make any assumptions here,

but if you had to guess... and again,

I'm not implying anything by this, but if you had to guess,

how would you say he is in bed?

Well, if I had to guess, I'd say he has a 2 inch penis,

the stamina of a 70-year-old with emphysema,

and he won't be there in the morning when you wake up.

Oh, and his balls smell like pistachios.

That was a really good guess.

Really good guess.

[CHATTER]

This is the best thing that happened all year.

Awesome.

- Oh, yeah. - Let's go.

Let's go.

Mariner does not wish to be disturbed at the moment.

Is this Mack Mackenzie's dressing room?

There is no Mr. Mackenzie, there is only Mariner.

Excuse me.

When Mr. Mackenzie takes on a role, he becomes that role

and he only answers to his character's name.

Get it?

Now go.

Yeah.

I really need to see Mr. Mack...

Mariner.

Mhm.

It's not going to happen.

So if you could please leave and never come back,

I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks.

Mariner, I need your help.

Mariner is a loner.

He helps no one save himself.

Please, you're the only one who can help me.

I need you to sleep with my wife.

Is she hot?

Very.

Meet me in my domicile after the show.

ACTOR ON STAGE: What you see over there?

A lot of water.

Damn this place, this wretched world.

It's a livable world, this water world.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Water everywhere.

Water over here.

Water over there.

Water everywhere.

Water over here.

Water over there.

Water over here.

Water everywhere.

It's water world.

Water world.

No trees.

No rocks or need for socks.

It's what a world.

Water world.

No cows.

No sheep.

Or birds to pee.

It's water world.

Water world.

No burgers or buns.

Only fish well done

It's what world.

What world.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, it's water world partners, word

to Kevin Costner salty stinky.

Pissy something smells real fishy.

No need to brag and no need to boast.

East Coast, West Coast, we ain't got no coast.

Mess with the best, and we'll turn you to shrimp toast.

Smoke an MC.

I'll be the dopest MC in the world, player.

And I'm the water world mayor, mayor.

These trees and rocks, they're not meant for me.

Just look at my feet.

I was made for the sea.

Don't leave us Mariner.

This is your fate.

Besides, we're short of men.

We need to procreate.

Freshwater is nice.

It's cool and crisp.

But on a hot summer's day, I thirst for a warm cup of piss.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Will we ever see you again?

Anything's possible here.

In this wonderful, magical...

Who are we kidding?

It sucks balls.

Waaa... water world.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Can Mr. Mackenzie hear me?

That would be impossible, seeing

as how Mr. Mackenzie is not even in this room right now.

Uh, where is he?

He must first shed the skin of his character

before he can get back into his own skin.

It sounds like a real dedicated actor.

Mm-hmm.

The man once became an ordained rabbi

for a three-line part in a student film,

went to rabbinical school and everything.

Mhm.

So where exactly does he go to do this skin switching thing?

Dude, I don't know.

What do you want from me?

The guy is clearly a wacko who thinks he's the greatest

actress since sliced bread when in reality, he really

sucks my big huge hairy...

Hey, hey there, big guy.

Great job tonight.

Best performance yet.

Now could it be the best performance yet.

All of my performances are the same, perfect.

You can't perfect perfection, especially

when the object that you're trying to perfect

is already perfect.

Am I making myself perfectly clear?

Get your hands off me.

Um, of course.

I mean, that's what I meant.

Leave us.

We have business to discuss.

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR CLOSING]

Am I talking to Mack right now?

There's nobody else here.

Good.

Now the reason why I'm here is kind of...

You cheating on your wife, and you think if your wife cheats

on you, you'll both be even, all be forgiven,

something like that.

Wow.

How did you know all that.

Now that's not important.

However, I got to tell you, man, this plan of yours

is absolute genius.

There's no way it could backfire.

Good.

Good.

I'm glad you feel that way.

One problem though.

What's in it for me?

How about the chance to explore a character

you have yet to play?

I've played numerous characters

who have been involved in adulterous activity.

But have you ever played a character who was so bad in bed

that the woman he was with was completely turned off from ever

having an affair again?

That's interesting.

In real life and on stage, I've always

been known as the world's greatest lover

and had to play the opposite role that is most intriguing.

I will have sex with your wife.

And by god, it will be the worst sex of her life.

Hoo.

Hoo.

Could you please direct me to Marcy and Jacob's desk.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Yes.

I have a delivery for Marcy Jacobs.

I wasn't expecting...

Yellow roses.

You're beautiful.

The flowers, they're beautiful.

There isn't a note.

I didn't think a note would do adequate justice

in expressing just how infatuated with you I am.

These are from you?

You got me.

I can see that my romantic gesture has come

as a very welcome surprise.

Do I know you?

No, but I fully intend on rectifying

that little oversight.

Shall we retire to a more romantic setting

to get better acquainted?

I'd appreciate it if you'd leave.

Oh, OK.

I hope you like it.

Bye.

Before I leave, first, let me adjust my socks.

Sluggish socks throw my entire equilibrium off balance.

Orange socks?

Yeah, orange is my favorite sock color.

Mine too.

What?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Ric.

Ric Flair.

Ric Flair?

Ric Flair is the name of my favorite pro wrestler.

Yeah, he's sort of a hero to me.

What do you say I buy you a drink?

It's 10:30 in the morning.

I'm an alcoholic.

Me too.

Come on, what do you say?

I don't know who you are, Ric Flair.

You're probably right.

If I were to go out with you now,

I'd probably be late for my job at the Senior Center, so...

Wait, you work at a senior center?

Well, I wouldn't call it work.

I volunteer there every other day.

Keeps me grounded in what's really important in life,

old people.

Do you know what I really love about old people?

The smell.

[DEEP SIGH]

I guess wondering couldn't hurt.

[PHONE RINGING]

So?

So I'm trying not to think about it.

Every time I do I get nauseated.

Speaking of which...

I don't have any staples.

Really?

What's that hard object in your pants?

Maybe I should investigate, mhm.

Mhm.

Ooh.

Oh.

Go figure.

Daddy would like to see you in his office.

Um, I'm a little busy right now.

Can it wait?

I'm afraid it's much too important to wait, god damn it.

OK, I'll see you there.

Fuck off.

Ever since I've been working here,

I haven't had a single meeting in his office.

I wonder what it's about.

Well, if Catherine told him about your affair,

it's probably about figuring out where he's

going to stick his tiny foot, down your throat

or up your tuchus.

You've been with this company for a short time, Dan.

And in that time, you've proven yourself to be a real asset.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say here, Dan?

You lost me at, for a short time, Dan.

Let me see if I can put it to you in other words.

Catherine.

Yes, daddy.

You know, I've never liked you Dan.

And if it was up to me, I would have had

you murdered a long time ago.

Again, sir, I cannot apologize enough for what

happened at my bachelor party.

Shut up.

This is probably the most difficult thing

I've ever had to say to you.

Dan, you... you've been promoted.

You are now the new executive chief marketing manager

of the lower South East Coast.

Sir, I don't know what to say.

Save it.

You just better take care of my baby girl.

Got it?

Uh, sure.

I have to run.

I have to prepare for the night.

Oh, yes, your show.

Can't wait to see you in action, sir.

Oh, great.

You're going?

Bye, Daddy.

Congratulations, Dan.

Thank you.

I got to go.

Oh, and Dan, you do realize as the new executive chief

marketing manager of the lower South East Coast,

will have to stay late most nights.

But don't worry, Dan.

I'll be here to help you out whenever things get too hard.

And by hard, I'm referring to your erect penis

penetrating my vagina.

OK.

Maybe you're not the right man for the job, Dan.

Oh, I am.

I mean, I am the right man for the job,

excluding any and all kinds of sexual relations.

I'm disappointed to hear that.

I know a couple of other people that

would be disappointed to hear that as well.

Catherine, what we shared the other day was great,

probably the best sex I've ever had, but it was a mistake.

I'm sorry if I misled you.

Don't you remember how good we were in college, Dan?

ACTOR (ON TV): Knight creature.

[DISTANT VOICES ON TV]

Dan, how many times do I have to tell you,

put a trash bag in the can so I'm not standing

here with an empty bottle?

I hate it.

How many fucking times do I have to tell you?

How fucking hard is it?

What is your fucking problem?

Are you listening to me?

Stop smothering me.

Oh, yeah, Dan.

Why don't you go turn off the lights

and masturbate to The Cure again?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You never supported me.

And stop using my fucking make.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Uh, those were great times, but college is over.

So...

11:00 AM, my office tomorrow.

You don't show, you needn't come to work on Monday,

or I'll tell Daddy and Marcy everything.

Now leave this room, Dan.

OK.

OK.

OK.

[HEAVY BREATHING] Oh.

[DOOR CLOSING]

DAN: What is taking this guy so long?

Could he have got Marcy in the bed already?

I thought you wanted him to get it on.

Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, I want Mack to seduce Marcy,

but expect her not to jump in bed with him on the first day...

The second day.

He's here

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Some real good crime.

Just get him out two years time.

[CHATTER]

(SINGING) Carry on your birthday.

Ha, ha, ha ha.

Medium.

[MAKES CLICKING SOUND]

Damn it.

Atomic.

Hola amigo.

How goes it?

So what happened?

Leave us.

But you...

Go.

Let me drag my ass off.

First off, your wife is a babe.

I mean, I've had my fair share of tail,

but I am definitely looking forward to putting the hurt

on that hot tamale of yours.

So you like wings, do you?

Yeah, bro.

You pussy.

Mild.

How do you do that?

DAN: Ed, Morris, Mack.

Ah, you're the guy with the fire down below, right?

Strawberry daiquiri, lightly chilled.

Oh, OK.

You got a problem, hombre?

First of all, I'm not your...

Hombre, hombre.

I've seen your commercial.

It reminded me of Juan Carlos Mendoza's performance

in the Spanish soap opera, El Amor Prohibido season five.

5.

Everyone knows El Amor Prohibido peaked in season 3.

I know.

You blinked first.

Boss.

So what happened with Marcy?

Your wife wants my nuts, badly.

If all goes according to plan, she will get them very soon.

Hey, nothing kinky.

You're supposed to be a horrible lay.

You know what, I won't do anything to her that I

wouldn't do to my own mother.

I don't really know about that guy.

Oh, I don't know, he seems respectable...

Ish.

[GIGGLING]

Come on, Mike.

Open up.

I got to talk to you.

Hey.

Whoa.

What's... what's up?

Going inside so we can talk.

No, let's talk right here.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing... is the matter.

I just... I'm with someone.

You sly dog.

Who is it?

Oh, no, it's...

It's not... um.

- Oh, is she really fat? - What?

No.

She's a dude because I'm gay.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I... I screw dudes, a lot of dudes.

So what's on your mind?

Huh?

Well, you said that you really wanted to talk about something

when you came over.

What's up?

Oh, yeah, uh...

You know, Marcy...

Mack was talking wings.

You're really gay?

Yes.

100% in the butt.

Very, very gay.

Pretty gay.

Uh, look, dude, if the whole plan thing is really driving

you that crazy, then just, you know,

forget about it, OK, and go home and come clean to Marcy.

Yeah.

I'm going to go, let you get back to whoever you're doing,

or whatever it is you're...

Bye.

Is he gone?

Yeah.

Oh, I hope everything works out for him.

He deserves to be happy.

What's that in my ass?

My finger.

I love you.

[CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS]

What?

What is it?

Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong,

and after you did it, all you wanted was just to...

To take it back.

What are you talking about?

It's just...

I... well, I...

I tossed your father at my bachelor party.

You did what?

I sort of tossed your father at my bachelor party.

Oh.

That's it?

Yeah.

I mean, it was an honest mistake.

You see, the boys, they got us these little people,

you know, to toss, and we'll...

Do it on three.

[CHEERING]

Hey.

What the hell is going on in here?

Huh?

I've seen some pretty horrific things in my time,

but this, this, gentleman, takes the cake.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

That's right. Go on.

Lower those heads because you know what you did was wrong.

You never toss a little person, feet first.

Now this is how you toss him.

[CHEERING]

Hey, you.

Hey, you, the guy who's getting married, it's your turn, buddy.

You're up.

Oh, I don't know.

Tossing little people is kind of offensive, don't you think?

No.

All right, I'm convinced.

What do I do?

OK.

Grab the little guy like so, and then you give him whirl.

[CHEERING]

Like this?

You know, tossing a little person is like a slap

in their little faces.

I know.

I feel awful about it.

So that's all you wanted to tell me?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

So Mar, how's work?

Work's great.

That is a shame.

We could use a good executive chief marketing manager

of the lower South East Coast.

That's my job.

If I work for you, everyone would

think I got the job because I'm the boss's daughter.

So dickless here, he doesn't mind

that he got the job that way.

He does not care that people snicker

and point behind his back.

They do?

[DEEP SIGH] Looks like things are about to get underway.

Excuse me.

I hope Dad still remembers how to play.

I know.

Hope he fits into those pants.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you ready to party?

[CHEERING]

How great was that third encore?

Yeah, great.

You know, it'd be nice if you at least pretended

like you were having a good time with me

when we're out in public.

I was pretending, a great time.

Tiny Kiss rules.

Are you avoiding me?

What?

What are you talking about?

It just seems like you're going out of your way

to avoid me.

You're either working until all hours of the night

or stuffing your face with wings.

What are you saying?

You want to come to wings with me and the boys?

Well, you can't.

No girls allowed.

It's just, I kind of wish we could go back to the way things

were before our marriage.

Well, maybe if somebody didn't get their vagina pierced.

Oh, god.

I'm so sick of you rubbing my vagina in my face.

I tell you what, if I ever get a piercing,

I give you full permission to rub my dick in my face.

But I would never rub your dick in your face.

But you just can't get off my vagina.

You're being such a dick right now.

Sorry.

I didn't know your vagina was making me a dick.

Where are you going?

Oh, um...

I thought I'd sleep on the couch tonight.

Oh.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow, sometime.

Good night.

Hello, Daniel.

Hi, sweetie.

We thought since you and Marcy were having

a little trouble under the covers we make you a video a

how to...

Everybody needs a little advice now and then.

If you want her to feel dear, put it in her rear.

This is a lubrication.

Oh, my god.

A little lotion for the motion.

They're not going to...

Anal, it'll change your life.

[GASPING]

MRS. HIATT: Need your glasses?

I can't.

Are you getting this, Dan?

See, it's so simple.

MRS. HIATT: Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

[MOANING]

Fuck me.

[MOANING]

MRS. HIATT: Yes.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

ACTOR (ON TV): If he dies, he dies.

Oh, yeah.

ACTOR (ON TV): If he lives, he lives.

Oh, yeah. Rewind.

ACTOR (ON TV): I hit it pretty hard.

If he dies...

Sir Lundgren...

ACTOR (ON TV): He dies.

How do you do it?

[PHONE RINGING]

ACTOR (ON TV): I hit it pretty hard.

Yag.

ACTOR (ON TV): In the face.

[SIGH]

Mack Mackenzie here.

Hello.

I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number.

I was trying to reach Ric Flair.

Oh, hold on for a moment.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Get the fuck out.

Marcy?

Oh, it's you.

It's me, all right, Ric Flair.

Who's Mack Mackenzie?

Well, he's an astonishing actor with the body of a Roman

Warrior and the soul of a saint, but

that's not important right now.

What can I do for you, or better yet, to you, right?

Well, I was sort of wondering if you

weren't too busy at the moment.

You're not too busy, are you?

Just doing some last minute packing, doll.

Watching my favorite actor Dolph Lundgren kick butt.

I love Dolph Lundgren.

He's probably the most underrated...

Action star of our time.

This is kind of hard for me to say.

Do you want to meet up for a drink?

Um, well, actually, I was sort of hoping

we could meet somewhere a little more intimate.

I know just the place.

Hm.

[CHATTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is it.

Mike leaves town tomorrow.

Well, if he leaves without seeing Marcy.

Mhm.

I'm going to come clean regardless.

What are you going to do about the Catherine situation?

I don't care about her, or my job.

The only thing I care about right

now is making sure my wife has sex with some dude.

Dan, I like Marcy.

I think we all do.

Did you ever stop to wonder if she's

really worth all this trouble?

Are you serious?

You guys talked me into this.

You said I had no choice.

And we stand by that.

If you really want to save your marriage, this is the only way,

but that's only if you really want to save your marriage.

That's all Morris is asking you.

Did I ever tell you guys about the day Marcy saved my life?

Gentlemen, I'm about to regale you with the greatest

love story of all time.

I was a junior in college and Marcy was just a freshman.

I was dating Catherine at the time.

It was our anniversary, and we were planning

a nice romantic picnic.

I was going to bone her after the sun went down.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, Dan.

So something came up.

So I don't think I'm going to be able to meet you.

What do you mean?

What could be more important than our four

month anniversary?

I got a test tomorrow in French class.

But you take Spanish.

I know.

It's why I have to study really hard.

But I promise to make it up to you baby, all right?

But...

[PHONE HANGS]

You think he suspects anything?

No, he's an idiot.

Get back to work.

DAN (VOICEOVER): Looking back, I suspect Catherine was cheating

on me at that very moment.

FRIEND: What?

That's crazy.

Why would you think something like that?

DAN (VOICEOVER): That's when I saw her.

[GASPS]

Help me!

Oh, my god.

[SCREAMING]

DAN (VOICEOVER): I don't know if it

was the way she wore her hair that day or the lack of oxygen

getting to my brain.

I was mesmerized.

Ah.

[HEAVY BREATHING] Honey, running into you here...

I thought today is your anniversary.

Where's my sister?

Catherine couldn't make it.

You poor thing.

But I have all this food here.

Would you care to join me?

Sure, we'd love to.

DAN (VOICEOVER): So I wound up spending my entire anniversary

without my girlfriend, and I couldn't

have had a better time.

We talked.

We laughed.

We fed the old woman.

It was fate, really.

Someone upstairs knew that we were supposed to be together.

And after that glorious day, I never

wanted to spend another moment without my Marcy.

Do you understand now why I have to save my marriage?

I understand.

This story was fucking beautiful.

It made me believe in true love again.

Really?

No, that story was gay.

Hey, am I not gay bashing?

Some of us find it very offensive.

Why would some of us find that very offensive?

Mike.

It's time to stop hiding.

Oh, right, yeah.

I'm gay.

What?

Oh, yeah, big time fag, big time.

Love taking it... right in the ol' stink there.

Yeah.

Love, love a good fudge packing.

Yeah, yeah, big time fruit.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Really, it's totally the same, you know.

I mean, I fucked all my girls from behind too,

so no difference for me.

Hey, hey.

Does Marcy like to be in the top or the bottom

because she strikes me as being in control,

I like to be on top kind of girl.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about your wife Marcy on her way

to my motel room right now as we speak,

room 206 at the Hi-Ho Motel.

It's going to be a rocket.

Thinking I might even try my new move, the Mack In Two Shatter.

Not sure why I divulged so much information, but whatever.

This can't happen.

Just make up an excuse and send her away.

Hey, man, I thought you were going to be happy.

Look, I've been doing a lot of thinking,

and I think we should just call the whole thing off.

You know what, I got to go.

I got to get into character.

Wait, no.

Ha, ha.

Mack.

Hello.

Hello.

[SIGH]

And you pull it out and wipe it off.

It's pretty much the same thing, guys.

So?

Marcy is on her way back to Mack's motel room.

All right.

Guys, you're going to have to find another small forward.

Where's he going?

To ruin the one chance he had at saving his marriage.

Hey, dude.

Are you really gay?

Oh, no, no, no.

I just told Dan that so he wouldn't get suspicious

about me and his mom.

I left my bag.

Oh.

Hey, son.

I mean, buddy.

You know, it's... it's not as bad as it sounds.

Oh, me and your mom, Mrs. Jacobs Nancy, we're in love.

You're boning my mom?

Yeah, I am.

So you're not gay?

No.

Oh, thank god.

I was having trouble accepting your lifestyle,

a load off my mind.

Well, that went pretty well.

Yeah.

All right.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Baby, I've been wanting

more of that love you give.

Ooh, it hurts to be wrong.

Baby, we're going to need the doctor's care

to help me through the night.

Oh, look what you've done.

I don't know what I've been told.

The world outside...

Mack.

Magnum, I guess.

Am I too late?

Too late for what?

I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Stop messing around.

Look, the reason why I came down here

is because I changed my mind.

Well, that's great.

I'm very excited for you and your new decision,

but I don't know who you are.

So I'm going to ask you to leave me alone.

I'm expecting a very important guest.

So if you'll excuse me.

Look, Mack, I don't know what kind of game

you're playing here.

Oh, I see the problem.

Good.

You obviously have me confused with some guy named Mack.

Now I get mistaken for other people all the time.

What are you talking about?

I'm not mistaking you for anybody.

You are Mack Mackenzie.

I asked you to sleep with my wife.

Oh, you must be Marcy's husband.

Look, man.

First of all, my name is Ric Flair.

Stop with the the skin switching thing.

You met me a few days ago backstage

at Waterworld, The Musical.

Waterworld, The Musical.

That could actually work.

I'm sorry, but I've never seen you before.

Mack, can you hear me?

Mack.

Listen, look, look, look, you're upset, man.

Your wife is cheating on you, and it hurts.

I know.

I've been hurt too.

Tennis elbow, shin splints.

I can imagine that it's similar to an emotional hurt.

Is your wife on the pill because condoms just mess up my game?

You son of a bitch.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, dude.

That's a shame.

You know, a little help over here.

[CAR HOOTING]

[SIREN RINGING]

Hi.

What's that?

Oh, that?

That's just my new pinkie ring.

Yeah, I'm a pinkie you ring guy now.

Why?

Is that a problem?

No.

I mean, it's fine if you want to be a pinky ring guy.

I guess it's all right.

Well, maybe if I tried it on another finger,

it would look better.

There.

Are you?

Well, are you?

Hey.

[DOOR BANGING]

Dear Marcy.

Your love is like a pile driver to a senior citizen

wearing orange socks.

Love, Ric Flair.

[SCREAMING]

Marcy.

In the living room.

How was your game, babe?

The usual.

Mhm, didn't play, huh?

What happened?

It's just a sprain, nothing serious.

Marcy, honey, we need to talk.

I'm going to get a bandage. Just sit.

- But... - Sit.

I think it's about time we had a heart to heart.

What are you talking about?

What I'm trying to say is, I know about everything.

You do?

I know you had an affair, and I don't blame you.

You don't?

No, of course not.

You were set up.

If I hadn't cheated on you to begin with,

you wouldn't been in that situation.

You cheated on me?

With who?

With Catherine.

And then Mike gave me this crazy idea that if I

could get you to cheat on me...

My sister?

She was supposed to tell me.

She was supposed to tell you?

See, after I had my affair, I asked Catherine to seduce you.

I think you're a little confused here.

I'm the one who set you up with Mack.

Who's Mack?

Ric Flair.

I didn't sleep with Ric Flair.

So you didn't go to Mack or Ric Flair's motel room

earlier today?

Yeah, I did, but I just went for floral guidance.

I needed to know what kind of arrangement says,

I'm sorry I let another man bake my muffin, please forgive me.

I was planning on telling you everything tonight.

I left a second he opened his robe

and started swinging his thing around.

Arg.

I'm really confused right now.

Who cheated on who?

And with whom did said person cheat with?

You slept with Catherine, and I slept with Dale.

Who the hell is Dale?

Dale.

Dale was the stripper at my bachelorette party.

Your bachelorette party?

That was three months ago.

I know.

But I was really drunk, and I thought he was you.

He had your same cologne, your same crooked penis.

All right, enough, I get it.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I guess, for the same reason that you didn't tell me.

Catherine gave me this whole thing about evening the score.

So I faked a few headaches and asked Catherine to seduce you.

So this whole time, the headaches,

the crabby behavior, the piercing, it was all a charade.

Yes, except for the piercing, which

I'm actually starting to like.

It's kind of growing on me.

I think I'm going to keep it.

If anything, this just proves that we're made for each other.

I mean, we'd both do anything to save our marriage

because we love each other.

You still love me, don't you, Dan?

I don't think I know you.

Dan.

[DOOR OPENING]

Dan.

Dan.

Dan.

Oh, Mrs. Jacobs.

Yeah, you like that, you dirty little girl.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

What's that?

My cesarean scar from when I had Dan.

Oh, god, that's so hot.

I just want to lick it.

Oh, I'm going to cum.

I'm going to cum.

No, not on Dan's baby picture.

Oh, too late.

Oh.

[SCREAMING]

So how are things with you and what's her face?

Sheila?

She left me.

Wanted to settle down, start a family.

Told her I wasn't ready to commit.

Hell, I don't even like kids.

[CHUCKLING]

No offense.

Well, none taken.

[SIGH]

Look at us, a couple of bachelors in our primes.

Dan, I want to tell you a story.

It's about a semi-retarded boy with an odd handicap.

This boy was born with his head up his ass.

Interesting.

Please continue.

So this boy...

Let's call him Raz Medulla.

He was forced to go through life with his brains operating

from deep inside his anal cavity.

Your story intrigues me.

So Raz Medulla was lucky enough to find a wife.

However, one day, Raz Medulla's wife

made a teensy, tiny mistake and cheated on her.

Horse's ass of a husband.

Wow.

What happened next?

Well, Raz Medulla was unable to forgive his wife,

even though he, himself, did the very same thing.

In the end, Raz Medulla divorced his wife,

and spent the remainder of his years

trying to figure out a way to remove

his head from his backside.

This story sounds familiar.

That's because it's your story, you dumb bastard.

But you said the guy's name was Raz Medulla.

That was just for story purposes.

Look, everyone knows how much you love Marcy.

Now why don't you go home and tell her?

I can't.

It's too late.

Too late?

What's too late?

Let me tell you about too late.

That over there...

You are seriously as hot as two 25-year-olds.

That's too late.

I'll never get back with your mother

because it's too late for me to say I love you now.

Oh, I see.

That whole story you told me, that's that's your story also.

You don't want me to make the same mistakes you did.

You secretly wish you could get back together with mom.

Now I see.

You see dick.

I don't want to get back with your mother.

You don't?

Hell, no.

Why would I want to do that?

I'm banging younger, hotter chicks now.

Get back with your mother? (CHUCKLING) That's a good one.

Get back with your mother.

Did you hear that?

God, I just can't even wait to get you alone.

I'm going to do horrible things to you that aren't

even legal in most states.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, seriously.

We're going to violate so many laws.

We are going...

Give me a call when you get tired of this one.

I need to reevaluate my friendship with him.

[BELL RINGING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Everyone I know, They're all the same inside

of a different friend.

Life amounts to nothing but a lot

of times, been trying to figure it out before we die,

before we die.

Everywhere I...

Would you mind waiting in the car?

[SLAPPING]

[DOOR OPENING]

(SINGING) Life amounts to nothing,

but a lot of times, been trying to figure it out before we die.

What the fuck?

Marcy.

Hi.

Welcome to my sanctuary.

Please, sit down.

I see you brought the papers.

You haven't signed them.

I was sort of hoping that you would change your mind.

I think this is what's best.

Um...

Dan, I just want to say that, I am so sorry for everything

that... - Shh.

Marcy, the reason I asked you to come to Wings tonight

is because I realized I never invited you here in the past.

There are a lot of things I didn't share with you.

But I was afraid to confide in you.

And as a result, you were afraid to confide in me.

No, Dan, really, it's all my fault. I...

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Marcy, you cheated on me, and I cheated on you.

I'd say that makes us about even.

I thought maybe we could try this again, do it right

this time.

So Marcy, will you marry me again?

Yes, of course, I will.

It's all right.

Be OK.

I love you.

I want you to come down to Roscoe's right now.

Tell her I love her too.

My brother loves you too.

We got to go home right now.

No, we should wait until our wedding night.

OK.

Really?

It'd be so much more special.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Baby, what's your hurry?

I know you've been here before.

I see the smile on your face.

You're having fun at the show.

I can tell you no lies.

Leave us.

But I... god, I hate you so much.

Miserable old bitch.

If anyone here has any reason why

these two should not be joined in holy matrimony,

speak now or...

Mack, they're just fooling around.

Who's Mack?

Right.

Rabbi Greenberg, please continue.

Oh, I can't believe our little Dan is getting married again.

I can't believe my best friend came out of the hottest pussy

I've ever eaten.

Oh.

You may kiss the bride.

Go, go.

[CHEERING]

Dumb bastard.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) I got this crazy one holding on.

Oh, yeah.

You're everything that I told you, baby.

Oh.

Oh.

Wait.

I don't think it's physically possible for me

to wait any longer.

But you're going to have to.

What are you talking about?

It's sort of my time of the month.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I can't believe we're not going to have

sex on both our wedding nights.

I mean, what are the odds that you would be...

Dan, I'm just kidding.

Oh, you were going to get it.

Oh, you are really going to get it now.

Wait, I have a surprise.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[CHUCKLING]

I can do you one better.

Hi, Gil.

I love you.

I love you too.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Want let you know before it gets too late.

About a man murdered his mother, blamed it on faith.

But before Loftus left, his mother

did some real good crime.

The judge let him out in two years time.

Four years of schooling, one murderer.

Carry on your birthday, and say your side of Mr. Wild Dan.

And now you need is a spotter.

All you need is a spotter.

Spotter.

Spotter.

Jamie Loftus killed his mother because he

got jealous of her other lover.

And after that, indeed, then a murder.

[YELLING]

He stole the family car, and then drove it into a ditch.

Four years of schooling, one murderer.

You carry on your birthday, and say your side to Mr. Wild Dan.

And all you need is a spotter.

Spotter.

Spotter.

Spotter.

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, whoever had July 22, you are the winner.

Shit.

Oh, man.

I was gonna use that money to get a massage in one of those...

What do you call it when they flip you over

and they grab your joystick.

Oh, a happy ending.

Oh, thanks.

[PHONE RINGING]

I like happy endings.