Original subtitles

♪

-Starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-When I'm [coughs] when I'm dead,

they will unlock the wrist irons.

Then you must escape.

You must get back to our people and bring them together again.

-It is for you.

-No, it is for you.

The new War Priest.

-Not while you live.

-No, not while I live,

but...now...now.

-Soldier?

White eyes?

Come see another good Apache.

-[ Chuckles ]

Gentlemen, look at those two big, beautiful red kings there.

The dealer stands behind them with an eagle apiece.

Now there's a double eagle. Don't be bashful now.

This may be your last chance

to contribute to my retirement fund.

-Beg your pardon, sir -- -Beg the lord's pardon, boy.

-El Cuerno just died, sir. -Wait. What'd you say?

-El Cuerno, sir.

Gregorio's father.

-Boots and saddles, gentlemen.

El Cuerno,

born of the Chicaronos, hero of the Plantana Wash,

has gone to the great wiggy up in the sky.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, too bad it wasn't his son.

-Get the stretcher.

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Gunshot ]

-Gregorio got away!

[ Train horn blowing ]

-Train comin' in! Come on, men.

Let's go back!

-Holly, where do you think you're goin'?

-Wherever that Gregorio's goin'.

That's where I'm goin'.

Hey, tie that thing on there good and snug, boy.

-Ah, that makes no sense at all.

First, that Indian'll bleed to death before nightfall.

Second, I need you here, not out there.

Third, you only got one-and-one-half days to go

on your present enlistment.

Fourth, you're too drunk to get on that horse.

Therefore, I say no.

-Beggin' the Lieutenant's pardon,

but that Indian has got to be accounted for,

else there'd be a blot on this outfit, sir.

-Ah, that ain't the reason, Holly.

You got a grudge against that Indian ever since Fort Apache,

when he tried to grind your face into an adobe wall.

-Ain't got nothin' to do with it, sir!

This outfit ain't never lost a prisoner,

not while I was a sergeant.

-Well, you're not personally responsible!

-I am as far as I'm concerned, sir.

-Holly, that's overweenin', self-aggrandizin'...

-Ain't no such thing! It's military pride.

That's what it is.

Now, that red Indian is goin' to Florida with this outfit,

or he is goin' to hell without it!

By your leave, sir.

-Well, you haven't got my leave.

-I don't need it.

I'm goin' AWOL.

[ Grunting ]

-Now, Holly, you listen to me.

That train gets into Dodge City tomorrow --

that's Tuesday -- at noon.

Now, you be on it, and I won't care if you're AWOL, you hear?

-Thank you, sir. I'll be there with Gregorio.

-You be there with him or without him.

-I'll be there.

Gimme my rein.

Sir.

Hyah!

[ Train horn blowing ]

-Since when you salutin' dead Injuns, Sarge?

-Respect your enemies, boy.

Good enemies make good armies.

Hyah!

Hyah!

[ Bell ringing ]

♪

-Whoa!

Hey!

Hyah! -Hyah!

-Hyah!

Hey! -Hyah!

-Hyah!

Whoa!

-Hey, you like the mud, Amos?

Why don't you come on back to Wichita with me?

Gets hip-deep back there, like one big hog wallow!

-Well, that oughta make you feel right at home, Windy!

-[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

-Oh.

-Evenin', Miss Russell.

-[ Groans ] How are you, Mr. Strange?

[ Grunts ]

-Did you enjoy the ride?

-Oh, matter of fact, it was the worst one I ever.

-[ Chuckles ]

-Well, we ain't the main line.

But then again, we ain't bogged down like the main line

is either, almost clear to St. Louis.

You was lucky to make connection.

-Yeah, well I been tryin' to tell myself that all the way

from Madison Lodge.

-Well, we got your telegraph message

about having a buggy ready.

But to tell you the truth, all we got's a buckboard.

-Well, that'll be fine. Just fine,

Mr. Strange. -Gettin' late.

Maybe you oughta wait till tomorrow to run into town.

-No, I'm --

I'm two days late already what with all these lousy floods.

-Well, okay,

but Mrs. Strange's bed's all made up inside there,

just the way she left it.

You're sure welcome to stay.

-Well, that's real nice of you,

but...

-Windy, do you wanna get the door?

-Yeah.

-I guess maybe I'm just hankerin' for company.

-I'll get this rig back to you tomorrow.

Thanks again. -You betcha.

-Hyah!

-Ahh!

-[ Screams ]

[ Horse whinnies ]

[ Breathing heavily, moaning ]

-What the...?

Hey!

Leave my horse alone!

-Quiet down, woman!

-Don't you tell me to quiet down!

-You open your mouth, you turn into a crow,

and a crow I can kill.

Where were you coming from?

-[ Sighs ]

Owl Flats Station.

-You see any soldiers?

-No.

Hey!

Hey!

You're takin' my horse!

-And you.

-What?

-Stop shouting.

-Now, you listen to me...

-Anyone ever tell you about your mouth?

-I'm not goin' anywhere with you.

-Then I shall tie you to a tree, woman.

And I shall fill your mouth with your hair and strap it shut.

-Where we goin'?

-[ Groans ]

To the south.

You will lead.

And I will rest.

-I think you owe me an explanation.

-If the soldiers reach us before we get to the river,

you shall be useful.

-Oh, I see.

-And, woman...

...if you prove to be a burden or try to betray me...

...I'll kill you.

-I'll try not to be a burden.

[ Thunder crashes ]

-Well, now, look.

You got another day to go on your hitch.

Then you could retire with 20 years.

Now what do you care if a -- a whole carload of Injuns run off?

Huh?

-'Cause that's my job.

-Well, but...

-My orders is to keep order,

and I aim to.

-Well good lord Sergeant,

uh, uh, it ain't as if you had to.

No one's gonna blame you if you...

-I blame me! Look, wait.

I got one day of duty left, right?

-That's dang foolishness. -Now, you tell me -- honest.

What's the difference -- first day, last day. You tell me.

-Dang foolishness. And you know it!

-[ Chuckles ]

You just don't understand military pride.

-That's right. I don't.

I run like a scorched turkey at Vicksburg.

-Well, you --

you ain't proud of that?

-Well, I'm proud of bein' here!

-Mr. Strange, you're a civilian.

-Glory be to God.

-I just spent a half a day blood trackin'

a red Indian who hates worse than any two-legged critter

that I ever did put to chase.

I do it because somebody's got to do it.

And it's my duty. Hey.

And this here's my army.

Now, how do you know? If I hadn'ta been chasin' him,

he mighta come up to your front door

and yanked your scalp off for a pot-walloper!

And do I get any thanks from you?

No.

All I get from you is a twitchin' pain

in the eyeballs from lookin' at you!

-I gave you a bed.

-I'll give it back.

-Hey, lord!

I know your son's a master carpenter.

Why don't you teach him somethin' about plumbin'?

[ Thunder crashing ]

-Hey, I'm gonna give up the bed

as soon as I'm done with it.

-[ Chuckles ]

-[ Chuckles ]

You know somethin'?

I kinda hope that Apache decides to circle back.

Pay you a visit when I ain't here to protect you.

Teach you a little respect.

-I've handled Injuns before.

-[ Laughs ]

You little, pusillanimous wart

on the hind end of westward hole, listen.

Gregorio ain't no ordinary Injun.

He's a snake-mean, knuckle-eyed, bugle-mouthed bad belly.

He'll have you gutted and quartered before you

can arrange to die of fright.

Ahh!

-Sarge -- -Hey!

You know, you're wrong about most things,

and you're strange about the rest,

but there's one thing you're four-square right about.

And that is that you're yeller and I ain't.

If it was up to you, whole state of Kansas would

still be squattin' on them ferns east of the Mississippi,

waitin' for the waters to part.

Hey, you know, while you was runnin' at Vicksburg, I,

once I got my orders,

some of which I gave to my very own self, obeyed.

Hey.

Hey, listen, that Injun's mine.

And I'm gonna have him, haunches and hocks.

And I'm gonna deliver him to Fort Dodge just as sure as...

Let me tell you somethin'.

In all due respect, if so ordered,

I would deliver the Great Lord Jehovah hisself

to the back door of hell on a buckboard.

-Wrong room! This is Mrs. Strange's room!

My wife's bed...

How dare you, fool?

This is -- Get out of her bed!

[ Panting ]

"The Lord raised up a -- a great wind."

That's all he is, Mrs. Strange,

is a great wind.

-What are you tryin' to do, walk me to death?

-Your mouth will probably get you there first.

-You know, uh --

that shoulder of yours is bleedin' pretty badly.

Whoa, baby.

[ Thunder crashes ]

And I -- I think that storm is catchin' up to us.

-Under that rock ledge, we'll make camp.

-[ Sighs ]

You know, I -- I hate to bring this up again,

but you'd be so much better off if we went on into Dodge,

and you had that shoulder looked after.

Well, you're just plain stupid

if you think I'm not gonna be missed in Dodge!

There's gonna be somebody out here lookin' for me!

-You think it would be wiser if I let you go?

-I think it would be wiser all the way around.

-You have been of help.

[ Lock clicks ]

Now you will be of even greater help.

-What if you die of that wound?

-I give you my permission to cut off my hand

with a sharp rock.

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

-Doc. Sam.

-Festus, what'd you find out?

-Well, I checked with the telegraph office.

And Barney said he'll send a telegraph to Amos Strange

in Owl Flats to seen

if Miss Kitty's got in there yet.

Is that beer good and cold, is it?

-Draw him a beer, Sam.

-Anyhow, he ain't gonna hear nothin' till mornin'.

-Mornin'? Just to telegraph Owl Flats?

-Well, it's gotta go clean through Wichita.

-Why? -Because that there's where

the main office of the stage line is.

Don't you see?

-That's about the silliest thing I've ever heard of.

Now that's not much better than hollerin'.

-And from what I hear, that stage line

ain't much better than walkin'.

-Now, just a minute.

Maybe we're gettin' kinda worked up over nothin' here.

You know, that storm up north coulda held Miss Kitty up.

I'll tell you what you do.

You go see Barney again,

and ask him to see if he can't raise old Amos Strange

over in Owl Flats by goin' through Garden City.

That's what to do.

-Well, it ain't gonna hurt none to ask, is it?

-Wait a minute.

Well, was your beer cold enough for you?

-Well, it's kinda hard to tell on just one.

Much obliged anyhow, Sam.

-Hey.

Wake up. Wake up!

-Ah!

-This just come in.

-Huh?

-Read it! -Hmm?

-It says Miss Kitty Russell didn't get to Dodge last night.

-Kitty? -Kitty Russell,

she runs the Long Branch there.

-I, oh... -She left here yesterday.

I told you. -Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Well?

-Oh, wait!

He got her for the horse.

[ Laughter ]

I lost a lot of time on account of that rain. So did he.

Hey, maybe too much.

-Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! Stop it!

-What you -- what you... You're tryin' to tie my shoe.

-Stop it!

My wife made this.

-Hmm?

-Just look what you done. -Well, I --

-Look what you done. -I --

-Get away from it!

-Oh.

I'm s--

Oh. Oh.

-Sorry about this --

this rip, Mrs. Strange.

But...

that's the army for you, keepin' order.

-[ Chuckles ]

"Mrs. Strange."

He lost about six of his cockles.

The only thing right about him is his name.

Oh, uh, listen.

I'm sorry about that there doily.

But what are you gonna say in answer to that telegram?

-I don't know.

I'll just tell 'em I'll have a look around, I guess.

-Not to mention me...

-Why should I? -You shouldn't.

I want that little short one all to myself,

especially since he's killed that, uh, Kitty Russell

you's been mumblin' about. -Whoa.

You don't -- How do you know he killed her?

He -- she might've -- -Yeah, she could also have

knitted herself a Gatling gun with birch bark.

But I doubt it.

-My wife knit this.

-Yeah, she's dead all right.

She's dead. Come on.

-Dead?

She's right with me all the time.

Oh, he meant Miss --

Miss Russell.

-Whoa, baby.

Oh, uh, listen.

I'm sorry again about that there doily, Strange.

-Hell, I guess you have loved ones, too.

Don't you, Sergeant.

-Oh, I can't say as...

Well [chuckles] my Miss Winifred Stark.

Uh, no.

No, I ain't got no loved ones.

Never did have, never will.

Gets in the way of the job. Oh, listen.

Don't you forget.

Don't you say nothin' in that telegram about my goin'

after that Indian. Hear me?

Here we go. Hyah!

-I'm beginnin' to feel sorry for that poor Indian.

You know, Mrs. Strange, I

think I'd best tell them about that Sergeant.

-[ Sighs ]

You keep sayin' we're bein' tracked.

I don't see how anybody could track us after that rain.

-An Indian could.

And on the train, there's a Sergeant called Holly

who tracks like an Indian.

-You could always give yourself up, go into Dodge.

Marshal Dillon would see that you got a fair trial.

-Why would he do that for me?

-'Cause he's a fair man.

-He would believe I dishonored you.

-[ Chuckling ] Oh, that's crazy.

You can't keep runnin' forever!

Gregorio, are you married?

-I was. She's dead.

My sons, too.

-Oh.

I'm sorry.

What happened to 'em?

-The Fourth Cavalry of the White Eyes happened to them

while my father and I were talking peace to the General.

-Oh, I can't believe --

-I can't either.

-Well, why do you keep goin' back for peace talks?

-Because the Apaches want to give the Fourth Cavalry

a chance to recover their honor.

The Apaches believe in honor.

That's why they still go to peace talks.

They do not run short on patience.

What my people are running short on are Apaches.

Come. We go.

Neither of us will ride.

I want the horse to remain strong.

-[ Chuckles ]

Oh, look at them lovely side-by-side tracks.

Yeah, squaw woman...

They use the horse half the night

and then walk along side-by-side.

Well, Miss Kitty Russell, you may be a woman.

But you sure ain't no lady.

[ Chuckles ]

Here, boy.

[ Grunts ]

Three hours ahead, and then let a woman slow him down.

There just ain't no predictin' red Indians.

Hyah. Hyah.

-[ Sighs ]

C-can't we just sit down and rest for a while?

I just... -Shh.

Quiet!

-What are you doing?

-The horse does not like the rattle of the snake.

He runs as long as he hears it.

-I-I just don't understand.

-Sergeant Holly will run after him.

-This Sergeant Holly you keep talkin' about,

you sound as though he's right behind us.

-Miss Russell?

Miss Kitty Russell?

This here is Sergeant Holly, United States Fourth Cavalry!

I -- I come to rescue you from that heathen savage!

-You answer, I will put you on this horse, tied to his belly.

-Miss Russell, you don't have to be afraid to go and sing out.

Sure ain't nobody gonna 'cuse you of any wrongdoing!

Go ahead! It's plain for everybody to see

that you was drug every step of the way

against your sweet, virtuous, better judgment.

Yes, ma'am. -What's he talkin' about?

[ Horse neighs ]

-How long ago did this Sergeant Holly set out after him, Amos?

-Just after first light this morning.

But, uh, if he ever catches up with them,

I sure wouldn't trust him, Marshal.

-Why not?

-Why, he's crazy!

That man's ravin' mad!

-What makes you say that?

-Why, he threw Mrs. Strange outta her bed.

-I see.

Well, Amos, thanks a lot for sendin' me the wire, anyway.

Say hello to the missus for me.

-Yeah, I-I'll tell her you called.

-Yeah,

what I should be doin' with you,

Private Horse,

is feed you to the War Priest of the Red Jiggarilos,

hooves and tail.

And on second thought, I can't say I blame you runnin'

around that butte.

Thinkin' you got a rattler up your nostril.

-[ Sighs ]

-Woman, you are free to go.

-You -- you won't give yourself up to Marshal Dillon, huh?

-No.

-A man in your condition and no horse...

That Sergeant Holly's bound to track you down.

-Not if you'll help me.

-Help how?

-To kill him.

-Oh, no.

No, I -- I couldn't do that.

-Then you're free.

Why walk any more?

Sergeant will be here soon.

You could ride with him.

-You, um, you figure I can slow him down that way, huh?

Yeah.

Tell you the truth, I have had my share of walkin'.

Gregorio?

I just want you to know --

I think you've been wronged.

[ Sighs ]

-Hey, whoa, now, now.

Well now, praise the lord.

For I -- I'd lost the trail and, lo, hath it again!

Whoa, Nelly!

That red man has been here. I can smell him!

Hey.

Eh. Come on, boy.

Where's he at, squaw?

-What'd you call me? -Well, he was too weak to walk,

and you was kind enough to lead his horse, and that --

-Now, just a minute.

Now, you just wait a minute.

He ambushed me, forced me to go with him.

-What, forced? No, no, no, no.

I read track too good for that.

Goin' along there side-by-side...

I guess that explains why he didn't bash you in the head

as a first order of business, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

-Well, now I know what he meant by the Fourth Cavalry.

-What?

What's that you said?

-Listen, soldier boy.

I resent your attitude.

And I deny your accusations.

And I'm outraged by --

-Only decent women get outraged.

Hey. Don't you --

don't you run the Long Branch over there at Dodge?

-That's right.

And that makes me a taxpayer and an American citizen

and entitled to the dubious privilege

of having the protection of the United States

Fourth Cavalry.

-No, maybe it used to.

But not since you took on an Apache boyfriend.

Now, where is he?

-He's gone.

And I'm glad.

-Gone, huh.

-You're a disgrace to that uniform, Sergeant Holly.

-Maybe he's gone, and maybe he ain't.

Maybe he, uh -- he gonna sneak back in here

when you and I makin' camp tonight, and scrag ol' Holly

with a billy hook. Right?

-You've haven't been right since you put that uniform on.

-Now, wait a minute.

I ain't no trick buster.

I ain't gonna spoil his fun.

Yeah, well, I reckon this is as good a place

to make camp as any.

And then I might just pour a little of this white lightning

down your throat, and who knows?

You might just take a shine to old Holly.

How about that, Madame Long Branch?

-I think I'm gonna be sick.

-Hey, that's not bad, you know,

Long Branch. Yeah.

If you ain't picked out your red Indian name,

that sound pretty good -- Squaw Long Branch.

[ Laughs ]

-Oh, you simple-minded, foul-mouthed --

-Hey!

-Stop it! You'll kill him!

Dead? -I don't know.

I can't see with the whiskey in my eyes.

Slapped all the baby blue lacquer right off my eyeballs.

Rest of my life, I'll be lookin' out at the world

through egg whites.

-He's moving. -Yeah?

Is -- is that so? Huh?

Well, then, I got me a surprise for that nice Apache.

There -- there we go, eh?

Huh?

Down over there, Chief Shorthorn Gregorio?

War Priest to the Indian nation, huh?

Hero to Long Branch,

you run off and forgot your nice Apache bracelets.

So I brought you some nice, shiny new ones.

-Duck...

Just like the ones I put on your dear daddy

before I buried him.

-You did that?

-Oh, yeah, I did.

He's wearin' 'em now for certain,

clankin' around up there in eternity,

just like a good Apache ought to, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

Whee!

Ah...

[ Gunshot ]

-What?

-I'm placin' you under citizen's arrest.

-Citizen's arre-- wha-- what is a citizen's arrest?

-I don't know the legal definition.

But you're drunk in uniform.

You've been offensive to me.

And you're derelict in your duty to help me.

You mistreated that prisoner.

A-and you provoked him into attackin' you.

Now, if that ain't enough,

then I'm arrestin' you because I got a stinkin' suspicion

you're about to get violent.

-Okay, Miss Russell, now,

Miss Russell, I do want to apologize for my conduct.

But you see, I been travelin' with a very rough crowd.

It's called the United States Fourth Cavalry.

And they got me in some very bad habits,

them fellas did. Yes.

I mean, they told me we was havin' an Apache war.

And I got to --

I got very abusive to my Indian brothers.

I did.

And then we got into a terrible frasculation

when they was practicin' their archery, you know.

And we got, I suppose, unduly irascible

when them arrows was comin' in our eyes,

and started to mistreat our jolly red brothers.

[ Chuckles ]

Now, just like today, when he come tumblin' down on me,

I shoulda knowed all he wanted to do was just snatch a little

off my scalp.

But I'm just another one of them nasty troopers

that's runnin' wild around the real estate here,

scalpin' red property owners.

That's, uh... [ Chuckles ]

[ Sniffles ]

A citizen's arrest, huh?

Hey.

Well, whatever you say, Miss Russell.

-Drop the gun belt.

-Oh.

Uh.

Yes. Yes, ma'am.

[ Chuckles ]

-Where's the pistol?

-Right there, squaw, lookin' at you.

Huh?

Now, this is a six-shot Smith and Wesson number 3 revolver.

And that thing you're holdin' is a 15-shot Henry carbine.

And they're both .44 caliber.

And they can both blow the hump off a buffalo at 100 yards.

Now [chuckles]

I figure if we time it just right and aim real careful,

why, we just might manage

to blow each other straight into hellfire

at the very same instant.

[ Gun cocks ]

What's the matter?

Is it too late in the day to kill,

or too early in the evenin' to die?

Ah, well, now, that's a good squaw.

Ah, yeah. That's a good squaw there.

You know, for --

for just a minute there,

when you was all up on your haunches like that,

I almost mistook you for a lady.

You know, you're gonna have to touch me a little softer, see?

Now, like when you do that!

That do make your jawbone tingle just a little bit, don't it?

[ Chuckles ]

-You son of a dog!

You brother of a pig! -What?

Oh.

Well, inasmuch that ain't possible,

I won't take no offense.

Here, come and get on your feet, red man.

Ah.

You know somethin'?

You two sure

don't make weary travelers feel very much welcome.

But I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll just get a move on.

And we'll go on in to Dodge,

where, tonight, I am gonna become a civilian at midnight.

[ Horse neighs ]

-I just remembered.

A physical human body can only hold five quarts.

-[ Coughing ]

-I'd say you thought of that just in the nick of time.

-What'd you say?

-Couple more swallows and you'll drown...

-Woman, you and me in the same conversation?

I mean, what in the bugle hell of boar brush

are you a-chunderin' about?

-How many jars of that stuff does that make today?

-I ain't talkin' about whiskey, I'm talkin' about blood.

Everybody got five quarts, exceptin' him.

[ Sniffles ]

-[ Coughs ]

-My point is that according to my calculations,

he down to about his last jiggerful.

-You don't care whether he lives or dies.

-Aw, he ain't gonna die.

Indians don't need blood no more than a snake.

[ Scoffs ]

Look at him.

Sittin' there like a nit on a gnat's knee bone.

Just pretendin' he's dyin'.

Waiting for me to bifurcate my attention.

Hey.

Ain't that right, Shorthorn?

Huh?

-I was thinking about you.

-Oh, you been thinkin' about old Holly, eh?

-Yes.

-Well, tell me. What?

-You told us your enlistment ends this day.

So, you are no longer a soldier but a man alone

in an alien country of which I am a citizen.

-You -- you ain't no citizen of this country!

-What?

-It's a law. -It's a stupid law.

-I am a citizen of this country.

He is a citizen of the United States.

He is the intruder, not I.

-Don't you call me no intruder, you beady-eyed,

backpedalin' alien!

-You are worse.

You are an agent of another country,

an enemy soldier.

-I'm gonna kick your hunkers right up through your scalp.

Sergeant, you can't attack a man in chains!

Good lord! -I ain't attackin' nobody.

I'm just addressin' this here spaniel-nosed aborigine,

cheek-to-jowl, on the subject of who's intrudin' here.

-I ask you no quarter, Sergeant.

All I ask is a fair fight.

-Oh, I'm gonna give you a fair fight

just as soon as I can figure out some kind of an even contest.

For starters, let's see if you can bleed a little slower.

And I'll see if I can get drunk.

[ Chuckles ]

-Sergeant Holly. -Yeah.

-You can't fight a man in his condition.

Now, look, if that horse of yours is rested enough,

why don't we just move on outta here

and get him someplace where we can get that shoulder tended to.

The sooner we get it done, the more chance he has!

-We'll go when I say we go.

-You know what I think?

I think you're just workin' yourself up so you can kill him.

-I don't have to work myself up for that.

I felt like that ever since I got on his slithery trail.

[ Chuckles ]

Here.

I think I just cobbled up a little game --

gonna give you about as fair a chance to scrag me

as you likely to get.

-Sergeant,

if you have to kill him,

you don't have to make a game out of it!

-Miss Russell, why don't you just sit down over there and try

to figure out a new lecture for me on proper livin'?

But if you just one more time open up

your sweet magnolia goody chops about soldierin' and fightin'

and proper dyin',

like as not I am gonna knock you cold on your pantaloons.

Here.

You come on over here with me, red man.

Yeah.

-He's so drunk he doesn't know what he's doin'.

-Yeah, well did you like what I was doin'

when I knowed what I was doin'? -No!

-Well, then why don't you just sit down on that rock

over there, and let nature take its course?

Yeah, I might even improve, as I go along.

[ Chuckles ]

I'll tell you somethin'.

If we ain't careful,

ol' Long Branch Goody Chops over there is gonna limit

our male options, which is, of course,

what women likes to do most in life.

What she sure enough needs, sure enough,

is to have her differences relegated.

And which I intend to get around to just as soon as I

get through clubbin' War Priest here outta his red misery.

Now, listen. This here's a --

this here's a game of mirrors.

Here, now, we each got one arm.

That fair enough?

Take hold of that stick there.

That's it. Now, the idea's this.

You let go of that stick anytime you get the notion.

And you can go for the big stick.

The only -- only trouble is,

that when you're goin' for that big stick,

I'm gonna be larrupin' your near side with the little one.

Oh, I'm telling you, it's somethin' terrible fierce.

All right, now, red man.

You let go any time you're ready, or I will.

And we can start to wompin' one another.

And then you can either grab the little stick again,

or you can say, "I quit."

-Miss Russell?

I wouldn't go for that rifle if I was you 'cause

this sidearm might -- might go off in your direction

and blow that pompadour clean off your scalplock.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, you got more blood left in you than I thought.

You stinkin' Injun, playin' like you're half-dead.

You better hang on there, War Priest, because pretty soon,

you gonna be clankin' around with your dear old daddy.

-[ Coughs ]

-You are a good woman and my friend.

And when you learn about your mouth...

you shall be a great woman.

-Sergeant Holly?

Why, you...

Y-you let him go!

-Yeah, well, you might say that.

-Why, you loudmouth bag of wind!

You been doin' nothin' all day

but schemin' about how you can let him go!

-Yeah, well, but he's one of the good ones.

See? And you got --

you got to keep a few of the good'uns because,

uh, they's the ones that's gonna keep the breed strong.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, all that activity kinda sobered me up.

I, uh, you know, when old Holly is sober, well,

there ain't hardly a woman

this side of the divide that would complain about that.

-I'll shoot!

-Oh, now, listen.

Half the reason I let him go

is so's you and I could be nicer to each other.

-I'm ready to pull this trigger,

you maniac! -No, no.

You ain't gonna do that no more than you did the last time.

You know why?

Because you kinda took a reluctant shine to old Holly,

didn't you?

-Kitty, you all right?

-Well, except for a few blisters, I --

I think I'm fine.

-Where's the Indian?

-Oh, he let him go.

-[ Grunts ]

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Hey, lord, you best tell these people

to stop hittin' old Holly in the headquarters 'cause

his hindquarters gonna be yours soon and previous!

-Wait a minute, somebody better start me

out all over again here. The last I heard --

-Hey, Marshal Big Fist, what time is it?

-It's a little after midnight, Sergeant.

-Never mind the "Sergeant."

Midnight.

I just become an alien citizen.

-One thing I learned is If you're gonna take a stage trip,

you better have your walkin' boots handy.

-Those, uh, was the best I could find.

-I think I recognize 'em --

Boot Hill.

-Yeah, but, see, we had so much rain lately,

the graves all gettin' overgrown, hidin' the markers.

I -- I reckon I did kind of a service.

Oh, hi, Marshal.

-You know, I'm still tryin' to figure out what charges,

if any, to file against you.

-You know, I like that "if any."

I been livin' on that for 20 -- -Holly!

Where is he? Where's that Indian?

-Listen, you little, feisty, stupid...

I'm a civilian! Don't raise your adenoids to me.

I buried him. -You buried him?

-That's right. -I don't believe it.

-Well, you -- you ask Miss Russell.

-Oh, that's right, Lieutenant. I can guarantee you

that Mr. Gregorio's in a happier hunting ground.

Uh, Sam, would you pour a round of drinks here, please?

-Holly, the way you hated that Indian,

you woulda had his scalp!

Now where's his scalp?!

-I wouldn't let him take it.

-That's right.

-Now, wait a minute.

There's somethin' funny goin' on around here.

Marshal, you were there, too, did you see a grave dug?

-Now, Lieutenant, I don't think we can exactly call Miss Russell

here a -- a liar.

Do you? -Uh, oh, pardon me.

-Hey, he does, and I'm gonna sharpen his nether end

with a hatchet and pummel him right into a roadbed.

-Holly, that's insubordination!

-You forget, I'm a civilized civilian.

-Yeah, well you still got to help me make out that report.

Now, come on!

-Every lieutenant needs a good Sergeant.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Miss Kitty, you a lotta woman.

Don't you be surprised old Holly comes a-courtin' one day.

♪

-Stay tuned for scenes from next week's "Gunsmoke."

♪