Original subtitles

♪

-"Gunsmoke,"starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

[ Bell ringing ]

-Recess is over, y'all. Come in.

I want you all to come inside now.

We're going to take up reading about Thomas Jefferson.

You stop pulling on her pigtails.

What have you got puffing out those cheeks of yours?

-Chewing Tobacco.

-Well, you get rid of this minute.

-Foolin', only my tongue.

-Oh, get inside.

-Um... You all open your books

to the place where it tells all about Thomas Jefferson.

Uncle Titus? Elbert Moses?

What y'all doing down here?

-Moving our still.

-Lord done chase that old man top and cut his molly,

Merry Florene.

Thought we get it moved out.

-You mean your setting up a liquor still out of my school?

-Shoot, thinks she owns the school.

-Elbert Moses, you ain't doing no such thing.

I got my kids to think about.

-You listen, Missy. Now, you listen.

Now, we has a hard winter in them hills.

And we need money.

All for Uncle Finnie's doctoring and such.

-You mean ol' Finnie is sick?

-Well he ain't feeling too chipper.

-Well, I got money.

Almost $3 a week, I get paid.

That's enough for Uncle Finnie's doctoring.

-It ain't just Uncle Finnie.

Now, you got $50 we can borrow?

-Fifty Dollars?

-That's right.

The Bull's Head Saloon, now, we got what's called a contract.

-Furnishing all the drinking liquor for the Saloon

for the whole year,

and we need $50 to get started.

-Well, one thing I know for sure.

Y'all ain't starting no still under this here schoolhouse.

-Well, I reckon I'm going to have to tell her

what Uncle Finnie said.

-What did he say? -What did he say?

-He says that he wants a shack to live in.

-Uncle Finnie already got himself a shack.

-Un-uh. Fell down last week.

Now, I promised him another, and a better one, too.

And he said to say to Merry Florene,

"Thanks for any cooperating,

paying back the favors he done her."

-What favors?

-You saying Uncle Finnie never done you no favors?

Time he nursed you back from a sick grave.

-I don't remember that.

-Well, you weren't no bigger than a button.

-Well, I don't mind doing Uncle Finnie no favors, but --

-Now you're talking.

Now you're talking.

The first thing we're going to do with the profit

of this thing, is we going to get Uncle Finnie

a peaceable home for his old age.

-It's about time.

He's already past 107.

Sure give the body a warm feeling

having Elbert Moses for kin, don't it, Merry Florene?

-Merry Florene?

-What? -Get rid of them kids in there.

-You can't have them meandering

around while we're setting up the still.

-I can't get rid of no kids.

I already told them

I was going to read to them all about Thomas Jefferson.

-Who's he?

-He's the third President of the United States of America,

who he is, and I can't get rid of no --

-So tell them it's his birthday

and give them the rest of the day off.

-How long you boys expect to be using this here cellar?

-Just for a couple of days to we get us a better place.

-Go on and eat some lard and fatten yourself up.

-I got to get back to my kids.

-I tell you, Uncle Titus,

the dumbest thing in this whole world is a woman.

[ Theme music playing ]

[ Cow lowing ]

-Newly, that there is a pretty prime-looking bull.

You know, that's scutter looking about half-mean

just with his horns sawed off and everything, don't he?

-Mr. Bishop certainly is going all out raising prime beef

on that spread of his.

-Festus, you mind, uh, riding out to Bishop's place

and tell him that his bull, Brutus the Third, has arrived?

-Well Burt, I'd like to help you out.

But With Mathew out of town,

I got my deputying duties to be took care of.

-Well, I guess I have to do it myself.

The Bull's insured and I

want to get him signed over as quickly as possible.

-Well, what's them cockleburs doing in town?

Whoa up there a minute.

Elbert Moses, what are doing back in town?

Fixin' to stir up some kind of a ruckus, are you?

-We got a right to be coming into a town.

-Well, of course you have, long as you behave yourself.

I just wanna know what business you all got in town.

-Oh, we just kinda come in, sorta celebrate.

-It's his birthday. -Who's?

-Thomas Jefferson.

-Well, who's Thomas Jefferson?

-See what you get when you never learn how to read?

-Yeah, maybe you oughta be going to that school

that Merry Florene runs.

-Never mind! Never mind!

I just kind of forgot there for a minute.

-Then who is he?

-Who's what?

-Thomas Jefferson.

-Well, I know who he is.

I'm just betting you muttonheads

is asking cause you don't know your own selves.

-No such a thing.

Thomas Jefferson's third president

of these United States.

-That's right.

-Well, of course he is.

Your saying it like you's the onliest one in the world

that knowed who he was.

-That's why we're here.

It's his birthday.

-Well, I'ma warning you now:

Behave yourselves,

and I mean it. Now, go on.

Get. Get. Get.

-Come on, Elbert Moses.

-Doc. -Festus.

-Well, this here's quite a day, ain't it?

-Well, I hadn't notice it was much different

than any other day.

-Doc, don't you realize that this here is a holiday?

-Oh, it is? What -- what holiday?

-Well, it's Thomas Jefferson's birthday,

the third president of these here United States.

-Oh, I know who Thomas Jefferson was,

but I didn't know it was his birthday.

-Well, Doc, I'm surprised at you.

You mean you ain't had the feeling

that there's a kind of a celebrating

by some folks in the air?

-Nope.

I ain't had that type of a feeling.

Where did you get this information about

Thomas Jefferson's birthday?

-Well, foot.

There's a few thing's a-sticking in my head, you know.

It ain't so hard to recomember a certain date,

especially a president.

[ Humming triumphantly ]

-Howdy, Mr. Franks.

Sure is good to see you again. Real pleasure.

-How you doing, Franks? Real good to see you.

-Yes, sir.

-You boys going to make first delivery on time?

-Aw, we won't be a minute late, Mr. Franks.

We just gonna talk it over a drink.

-One thing I don't understand

is how you boys stayed in business,

what with the government, uh, cleaning out the hills.

-Oh, that was easy.

We just moved our still down out of the hills.

Secret hiding place.

-Whoa! Phew! No wonder you're looking for better stuff.

-Don't nobody die from this?

-Prices I charge in here, they're not looking for taste.

It, uh, hits 'em.

-Um, Mr. Franks?

Uh, we got us kind of a little problem.

-Not a big one. Just a little bitty tiny one.

-Just a little one.

-Like you want cash in advance?

-See, I told you Mr. Frank's going to understand.

-Cash on the barrelhead.

You bring it in, you get the money.

-You don't figure $50 advance would be good business?

-Boys, no money.

You can't cut it, tell me.

And I'll go back to my regular supply.

-Well, Mr. Franks, you got to look at it

like we kind of partners, huh?

-I'll go along this far -- you boys short of cash?

You bring in the first jug to prove you're in business,

I'll advance you $50.

-But we need the money now, Mr. Franks.

-I want that first jug in here Monday, at the latest.

That'll be 2 bits.

-What? -Two bits.

-For what?

-For the drinks.

-I got to see you boys a minute, please.

Please just come down here a minute so as I can talk to you.

Um, I didn't have much a chance to talk to your fellas

over there the -- the kids taking up my time

and all, but I'm doing real good at the school,

with the kids and such, and, uh, what with Ms. Perkins

going into Haye City getting herself married...

-What you telling us about some Ms. Perkins,

wasting our time?

-I'm trying to tell you,

I got a real good chance to be the regular schoolteacher,

the way I got with kids and all.

And, um, but what people be thinking if --

if they find I got me a still under the school house?

-Somebody'd have to be just plain stupidity

to go looking under a schoolhouse for a still!

-And, Elbert Moses,

that's the feller I was telling you about, Mr. Newly.

Well, um, we's getting kind of friendly.

I mean, sort of.

-Merry Florene, I have never in my life seen a woman

act so worried every time I'd been in town.

-You got to learn to trust your brother

Elbert Moses more, Merry Florene.

He's a smart man in all the thing's he's figured out.

Way Elbert Moses talks, Lordy,

we liable to wind up owning that fancy saloon,

the Longer Branch.

-Come on, let's go.

-Now, you ain't got no cause to worry, Merry Florene.

We might some day own this here whole town,

and then we'll buy you a better schoolhouse.

Don't you fret now, you little wart.

-Hey there, Mr. Newly.

-Hiya, Merry Florene.

-How's school going?

-Just fine.

You coming to the school picnic Sunday?

-Picnic? -It's just a little something

we giving to kinda

celebrate the -- the kids getting out for vacation time.

-I might drop by, at that.

-Well, you don't need to come calling on me.

Just come directly to the school.

I'll be there busy all morning

helping the church ladies readyin' things,

so you just come directly to the picnic,

and, uh, I'll be there.

-Merry Florene, I didn't plan to call on anybody.

I said I might drop by.

-Mr. Newly,

you ain't embarrassed to be seen sparking no school teacher,

is you? -Course not.

-Cause, um,

I ain't got nobody else liable to themselves jealous,

so you didn't have to worry about that.

-Oh, I'm not worrying. I'll be there.

-Mr. Newly, how old you be?

-26 years old.

-My goodness.

When my pa was 26 years old,

he already had hisself a parcel of kids.

-That so? -Eight, including me.

How old you think I be?

-Oh, I don't know; 17, 18.

-Eighteen's right, come Sunday.

Won't be long, folks'll be looking at me

wondering why I ain't got myself married off.

Well, it ain't cause I ain't fittin' to be married 'cause

I can sew real good.

And I -- and I cook reasonable well.

And I bring in most $3 a week, so it wouldn't be like

I wouldn't be a girl pulling her share of the the plow,

I'd like to say.

-Oh, I'm sure of that.

-Mr. Newly, you know what I'm thinking?

You just being shy.

Like, um, I'm sort of shy.

Just can't help sort of being all arms and legs and feet

and all around a feller.

-Merry Florene, I don't think I'm shy.

-You mean, if,

uh, you's to get ready to sorta get yourself serious and --

and maybe get married off,

you'd just come out and say it to a -- a girl

all by yourself?

-I guess that's just about it, sure.

-Just kind of take the right time

and the right place, like they say.

-Mm-hmm.

-Well, um,

I'm staying at Ma Smalley's boarding place.

Guess you know that.

And, um, she don't object to --

to men friends calling, none.

I mean, if they sort of be, like, you know,

real good folks, and, uh,

and the feller's a quiet one when --

when they are calling on a girl.

-Quiet? -Yeah.

Um, I always make myself a little tea around bedtime,

so um...

You like tea, Mr. Newly?

-Well, I generally drink coffee.

-Oh, well it ain't no big change from tea to coffee

for me, Mr. Newly.

What time I be seeing you?

-Oh, Merry Florene, I -- I just remembered something.

I got to visit a sick friend tonight.

-Oh, my goodness. Can I take him something?

-No. No, as a matter of fact, uh, he breaks out in hives

when he gets around somebody of the opposite sex.

He kind of tingles all over.

-I never heard of anybody

getting sick from them kind of tingles.

I mean, sometimes I get kind of tingly when a --

a man slips up on me sudden-like,

but never made me sick.

You know what I mean?

-Merry Florene, Ill see you over at the --the picnic

Sunday afternoon.

-Oh, Mr. Newly, that'll just be sparkling.

And you know what?

I'm going to have me a little ol' picnic basket,

like, to fill up your belly so you can't stand up.

Bye, Mr. Newly.

[ Sighs ]

-Now, now, we got to think real hard

and figure out who's going to loan us the $50.

-Well, that's easy figurin'.

Nobody will lend it.

-Titus, you just give up too easy.

Now, wait a minute.

Look at this here.

-What does it say?

-Twenty-five dollars reward for the information

leading to the app--

apprehension of person or persons unknown

stealing two mules

from the Honeywell Barn.

That's $25 just for the information.

-Sure easy money.

-Well, except for we need the information.

-Well, go on. Read some more of that,

where they's giving money away.

-All right.

Here's one for $100.

One hundred dollars reward for information...

Information, that means they don't know who done it, right?

-Well, friddle, if they did,

they wouldn't have to be offering money.

-Something is coming to me, Uncle Titus.

Something is coming to me.

Come on.

We're going to take us a walk down the street,

and we going to talk about.

We gonna talk about it cause it's good.

-Oh, you're just the man I want to see.

-What about, Doc?

-Where'd you get the idea that this was

Thomas Jefferson's birthday, huh?

-You mean it ain't?

-Of course not. Birthday's April the 13th.

-Hmm. Well, I didn't miss by much.

This here's only May.

-Well, what brought up the idea

of Thomas Jefferson's Birthday in the first place?

-Well, I just didn't know, Doc.

You got something against

Thomas Jefferson's birthday, have you?

-Some--

You're amazing.

Just, oh, just simply amazing.

One of these days, I'm going to figure out...

Just what, I don't know.

[ Bull lowing ]

-Soon as you say I stole this bull,

they gonna throw me in jail, is what they'll do.

-That's just til we get the reward money,

and get the sugar and the stuff.

Then I'm going to down and say it was a mistake,

and then you're gonna be free.

-Elbert Moses, you're the smartest nephew I got,

and I'm ever so much obliged to you for making me your partner.

But ain't this kind of a funny way of being successful?

Going to jail first, I mean?

-Uncle Titus, have I ever led you wrong?

-First time we ever was partners.

Let's say you stole the bull,

and I'll collect the money and buy the sugar and stuff.

-You're just mixing thing's up, Uncle Titus.

It was my idea, wasn't it?

-Well, where in the world

are we going to hide as big a thing as a bull?

-Well, it's going to have to be a safe place

where nobody's going to think to look in.

Like in the school cellar where we got the still.

-Oh, Merry Florene would never stand for that.

-Merry Florene's gonna stand for what we tell her.

Now, go on. Get it

Go on, get it.

Come on. Come on.

-You're a numbskull, plain and simple.

And animal that valuable should have had a guard

maintained here. -But the bull was insured,

Mr. Bishop. Believe me, you'll suffer no loss.

-Don't tell me about insurance.

I waited 5 years for that hoofer to age.

He can't be replaced.

-Mr. Bishop, believe me, I never dreamed anybody

would just walk off with a bull, especially one like yours.

What, he'd stand out like a sore thumb.

In fact, Festus is out there right now

looking over all the pastures.

-I'm giving you exactly 24 hours to recover that animal.

If he isn't returned by that time,

you're going to be working for nothing for the next 100 years.

-Boy, I tell you,

that's a real shame, getting chewed out like that.

-Yeah, wasn't even my fault.

-You know how I'd figure it?

It takes some pretty little people

to walk off with that there bull.

In fact, I bet you that they looking at that bull

where they got it hid right now,

and they wondering what they are going to do with it.

-Well, yeah, I -- I was just saying

that he'd stand out like a sore thumb.

-Well, I mean, they got to be pretty stupid and pretty mean.

In fact, I bet your going to get that bull back in no time.

One of them fellers is just going turn in the other fellers

for the reward.

-What?

-You mean, you ain't put out no reward yet for the --

for the information leading to the apprehension

of person or persons unknown that stole the bull?

-Well, no, but that's an idea.

-Well, you got nothing to lose.

If that company don't get the bull back,

they gonna be out the insurance money.

But they do get the bull back,

what's a measly $50 to them?

-Yeah. Hey, that's an idea.

I'll get right down and tell Festus.

-Good luck to you.

-Well, there she be, Burke.

-Fifty dollar's reward

for information leading to the apprehension

of person or persons unknown that stole a prize bull

named Brutus the Third from the freight office.

Well, I sure hope this works, Festus.

-Well, the only thing we can do is just wait and see, Burke.

I did a whole heap of scoutin' around.

I ain't turned nary a sign of him, no place.

-Can I see you a minute, Marshal?

-Deputy Marshal.

And you're looking right smack dab at me, what do you want?

-Figure we can talk inside?

-Come on.

What'n the for are you acting so blame skittinish about?

-All night long, I been thinking about it:

about Uncle Titus being -- being kin and all,

and about blood being thicker than water, I mean.

-Will you quite flopping your jaws,

and tell me what you're trying to tell me?

-Well, you know my Uncle Titus?

-You mean that dumpy little polecat

you brung into town with you?

What about him?

-He stole the bull. I seen him go the back street with it.

You see, you're looking at me like I'm really low.

I mean, I feel terrible about turning in my own uncle.

But, well,

there's a man's conscience that you got to live with.

-You telling me

that your onliest uncle stole this here prize bull?

-Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

-Now, where is this here bull at now?

-Well, I reckon Uncle Titus be the only one that can tell you

where he hid it.

And, uh, what about the money?

-What money?

-The reward. -Well,

you just hold your taters about this here reward.

I ain't seen me no bull yet.

-Well, you don't need the bull.

You just need the information leading to the apprehension,

as being caught, of uncle Titus.

Him being the bull thief, I mean.

-And where is this grubby little runt at, now?

-Well, he's drinking over at the Long Branch.

Me and him been drunk most of last night.

-Huh. -Wait a minute, Marshal.

-Deputy Marshal, and get your hands off of me.

Wait for what?

-Well, you got to promise that you ain't gonna tell nobody

where you got the information.

Information like it says on the reward poster.

-Well, I reckon I ain't got to tell nobody.

-And about the reward money,

now, you don't have to hunt me down to pay it.

You just give it to the store keeper,

where I'm opening up an account. -Wait.

-And you can tell him... -Just wait.

-And nobody else.

-Would you wait a minute?

Now, you're getting the blame wagon

before the mule on this reward thing.

I ain't even talked to your uncle yet.

Knucklehead.

[ Laughter ]

-Well, that old daddy of mine never even blinked an eyeball.

He just said, "Mister,

you got 3 seconds to get off this property."

Pay attention when somebody tells you something around you.

Fellow said, "Ain't nobody can get through the fence

in 3 seconds."

Well, Daddy says,

"I'll be guaranteeing you,

you just get halfway,

and this here buckshot will see you the other half."

[ Laughter ]

Why, howdy, Marshal.

-Deputy Marshal, and I wanna ask you a question.

-I'll buy you a snort of laudanum.

-I don't want nothing from you,

except'n what of you did with that bull

you stole and hid off someplace, hmm?

That there bull from the freight office,

are you denying that you didn't purloin off with him last night?

-Last night?

I don't recollect much about last night, Marshal.

-Are you denying that you didn't go over yonder

and take that bull?

Where did you get that?

-Brutus the Third.

-Third what?

-You just better have yourself a good story about how

you got this here bull's chain strung around your neck.

-I just don't recollect.

-Well, maybe you'll do a little bit of recollecting

in the jailhouse.

[ Laughter ]

-Y'all be sure and do your homework, now,

you hear?

-Well, where'd you you get all this stuff at, Elbert Moses?

-I bought it. Now, get them doors open

and help me.

-Well, where did you get all the money?

-It be a long story.

Here, take this.

Start there.

-Well, what's so long a story you can't tell me?

-Uncle Titus, he be in jail.

-In jail? -Will you quite howling?

It ain't killing him, being in jail.

-What's he doing, being in jail?

-Get that thing down here.

-Elbert Moses... -Come on, move it!

-You boys are getting in real trouble again.

Elbert Moses, you best

tell me what Uncle Titus is doing in jail.

[ Bull lowing ] What's that?!

-It's called a bull.

-Oh, I know what it's called.

What's it doing in my school house?

-It's just eating, being happy.

-Elbert Moses!

-It's what Uncle Titus and me stole.

And there was no other place to put him.

-Stole?

-My ears are ringing from your shouting.

-Y'all's keeping a stolen bull in my schoolhouse?

-I wasn't going to keep him in my pocket.

-Elbert Moses, I keep telling you about me

and Mr. Newly getting kind of friendly in Dodge City.

-Yeah, well you better tell him he don't treat you good,

he's going to have your brother on his back.

-Oh, it ain't that at all.

I have a feeling my life is getting kind of messed up.

-I just told you, Merry Florene,

anybody start messing up your life, you just come to me

and Uncle Titus.

Don't you ever forget, we your kin.

-Marshal!

-Deputy Marshal. What?

-An awful mistake's been made.

I mean, just awful. -What mistake?

-Well, my Uncle Titus and me, we'd been the same.

We'd been drinking.

I takes us a day or 2 fore

we can remember things in their proper order.

-Well, wait a minute. What's all this jabbering about?

-About that bull.

Now, I seen him get walked off that night.

But it wasn't by Uncle Titus.

Well, from the back, it looked like Uncle Titus.

But it's coming back to me now that it couldn't have been him.

-Why not?

-Well, it's come back to me

kind of slow because we've been drinking all that night.

But the stealin' feller,

he was about --

well he -- well he was about that there high,

and he was -- and he was about that there wide.

-Wait just a blame minute now.

I latched onto that uncle of yourn with evidential string

right around his dirty little ol' neck.

-Well, it -- it's coming back to me about that, too.

You see, it was me that found that neckpiece in the street.

And I just kinda, well, hung it

around Uncle Titus' neck, kind of foolin' ain't around.

-Aw, you're expecting me to swallow all this?

-Well, there's one way to prove it.

-Now I ain't saw Uncle Titus since you put him in jail,

right?

Now, if he says the same as me, well,

that proves he ain't guilty.

-All right, then.

Just come ahead on. We'll go find out.

-Well, now, wait a minute, Marshal.

You forget your promise?

-What promise?

-You said you weren't going to let on about my telling

on my Uncle Titus.

You gave me your word.

See you directly.

-What's the matter with you?

-Doc, this here is just plum befuddling.

Now, if this here one feller says that he --

and -- and then this here -- another feller,

he says that he --

I mean, what and the both of --

when your feller says one thing, and then you ain't suppose

to tell that this here feller for tattletaled on another...

-Let me out of here cause I ain't did nothing.

Hey, Marshal! Let me out of here! Marshal!

I ain't stole me no bull. Marshal!

I'm recollecting everything now,

how I got me that neckpiece around my neck.

My nephew Elbert Moses put it there.

And it ain't fair, keeping me all locked up here.

-Hold on. Are you telling me...

-You just ask Elbert Moses

if I didn't get that neck thing from him.

Fact, I was with Elbert Moses all night.

Couldn't have been me stole the bull.

Hey, uh, mister, or whoever you are,

tell that Marshal he's got no right to keep me locked up

unless he's got some proof I stole the bull.

-Have you got some proof he stole a bull, or haven't you?

-Well, I did have, Doc,

but then the feller switched his story on me.

-Who is this feller lying about on me?

-Who's telling lies about him?

-Yeah, I wanna know who this feller is.

-I can't say who he is, Doc.

I give him my word that I wouldn't say

that he tattletaled on this little muskrat.

-Yup, it sounds to me like you got everything all messed up,

just like usual. -Well, Doc...

-Hey, Marshal. Marshal.

-Doc, what do you think I oughta do about him?

-Well, don't ask me. You got a badge on.

You're the Marshal.

-Deputy. -Burn the place -- Marshal!

Marshal, let me out of this place.

-Hush up your squalling, you blame ninny.

-Let me out of this here place. -I'm going to let you out,

but I'm want to tell you --

now, the first thing

I want you to do is tell that good-for-nothing nephew

of yourn that I want to see him on some business.

-Go root him out yourself, if you're such a good Marshal.

Dadgum...

Maybe I'll get me one of them law fellers and sue the jail.

-Oh, hush your blabbermouth and get on out of here.

Matthew, you know, I sure am glad to see you.

I got me a problem. -What's the problem?

-Well, this here bull got stole from the freight office.

And this here feller, he came to me,

and he said who stoled it.

But he was kinda drunk when seen it gettin' stoled.

So I ain't suppose to tell nobody that he

tattletaled on this feller that he told me stoled the bull.

But then this here feller that supposed to have

stoled the bull,

and I personally caught him with that bull's fancy necklace

all strang around his scrawny little neck,

he says that he can't recollect not a-stealing the bull.

But then he kind of sobers up,

and like this here feller that tattletaled on him,

then they both say that --

that this here feller that suppose to have stoled

the bull didn't stoled the bull at all.

But then this here feller that got the $50 reward,

and I'm fixing to climb up

and down his bony carcass like a ladder

if he don't give it back to me,

he says that this here feller didn't --

couldn't have stoled the bull,

'cause he hisself personal

found that there bull's necklace on the ground

and strang it around the scrawny little ol' neck of this --

this here feller that he

said stoled the bull in the first place.

You follow me so far? -Oh, yeah, yeah.

I follow you all right, Festus, sure.

But I tell you,

I, uh just remembered I gotta ride up to Smith town.

They wanted to see me over there.

I got to ride out there this afternoon.

-Well -- -But look, now,

I'm glad that you got charge of everything

and you're handling it all right.

You have any trouble and you can't handle anything,

well, try to get ahold of me over there.

Just try.

-Morning, Mr. Festus.

-Morning, Merry Florene.

How is the teachering coming at your schoolhouse?

-Just fine.

-You'd just be plum surprised to hear

how many good things folks are saying about your teaching.

Why, I heard folks say that they ain't no sense

in sending for no new teacher

with Merry Florene doing so good.

-Is that the truth, Mr. Festus? -Of course.

And it wouldn't surprise me none if you was to be getting asked

to be the regular schoolmarm in Dodge.

It wouldn't. -Boy!

Wouldn't that be something?

-Uh, Merry Florene, uh, if you was to see your brother,

would you tell him that I'm wantin' to see him?

-You reckon he did something bad again, Mr. Festus?

-Well, that there would be kind of hard to say.

Leastwise, it would be a pretty long story.

-Well, I'll sure tell him you wants to see him.

-Yes'm. Obliged.

-Yeah.

-I've never seen an animal eat so much in my life.

He's making a real hog of himself.

[ Knocking ] Merry Florene?

-When are you all going to rid of that animal?

-We got ideas for him.

-Well, Mr. Festus, he wants to see you.

-That's fine. I don't want to see him.

-You sure you boys know how to make moonshine whiskey?

-Ain't nothing to it.

Just mix in a little sugar, a little mash,

put in a little of this,

a little of that, and then it cook 'til it bubbles.

-Well it don't look like nothing

I ever seen before in any still.

You said you had some ideas about that there bull.

What ideas?

-Well it wouldn't take about 20 minutes

to turn him into sides of beef.

Keep us in meat all winter.

-But that there's dishonest.

-We gonna take him back, now.

Don't you fret none.

-But you all don't understand.

-Oh, what you acting like a crazy woman for?

-Here I got my chance to be a regular school teacher,

and you all are just gonna be spoiling it for me.

-We ain't gonna spoil nothing, Merry Florene.

-Here, blow on that.

-You all's gonna get caught, and I'm gonna get the blame.

Then what's Mr. Newly gonna think of me, then?

-There ain't nobody going to catch us, Merry Florene.

-I never had nice boyfriend like Mr. Newly before.

And maybe I have a chance to get married and everything.

-All right, Merry Florene.

All right.

I tell you what we going to do.

We going to move this still out of here before Monday.

We just gonna make us one jug to prove this saloon feller

that we be in business,

and then we gonna move our still someplace else.

All right?

You ain't going to find here nothing at all on Monday.

-You boys wouldn't be fooling me, would you?

-You sound like you don't trust us, Merry Florene.

-Well you boys keep in mind that I got me a real good chance

to be a schoolteacher and marry up with Mr. Newly.

-We be keeping it mind, Merry Florene.

Oh, all girls want to get married.

But all they get's babies.

It don't make sense.

-Just ain't nothing like a school picnic, is there, Newly?

Let's you and me get in the sack race.

Want to? -Mr. Newly!

I see you got here on time. -Merry Florene.

-Mr. Festus.

I got us made up some, um, some apricot pie,

and chicken,

and hard boiled eggs and, uh, sour pickles.

-Merry Florene, if you don't quit talking

about them larapin' vittles,

I'm going to eat clean through that basket myself.

-Festus, if you'd like to...

I mean, if you're hungry.

-No, No, Newly.

Now, I ain't fixin' to bust in on no sparkin' party

betwixt you and Merry Florene.

-Sparkin'?

-I'll see you at the meeting place, Mr. Newly.

-Meeting place?

-Well, she's, uh,

probably talking about Love Bug Holler

down yonder by the lake.

You know, where a feller can take a female

and get sparks to fare thee well, chomp on vittles and...

-Never mind, Festus.

I know what you're talking about.

-Bet you that.

[ Knocking ]

-Merry Florene? -What?

You boys promised me

you was going to get started packing today.

-Well, we figured on it, Merry Florene.

We got us a problem.

Now, we been tasting, and we been mixing.

But Uncle Titus and me, we ain't to expert on the tasting.

-Now, drinking, we do all right.

-So, what you want me to do?

-Well, we want you to taste what we got.

-But I ain't never drunk no liquor before.

-It ain't hard to drink.

-Now, Merry Florene, this is really important.

When we take that jug of liquor into the saloon feller tonight,

if he don't like it, we're going to be out of business right off.

That means no new shack for Uncle Finnie.

-I just gotta taste it?

-Yeah, to see if we got

maybe to much of this or that mixed in.

-Go on.

-Going down kinda smooth?

Huh?

-Uh,

what's that bubbling stuff?

-Uh, well, uh, that's this'n'that we put in it.

Now, go on. Take another.

-It tickles. -Here.

Put some of this in it.

-What was that stuff?

-That's what they call a mix-in.

-Our liquor's going to be more different

that anybody else's.

-Yeah, like being known for making real fancy liquor.

Go on, take another swallow or two.

-Oh, phew, that liquor stuff,

that, uh, that mix stuff kind of burns.

-That's what Ambrose Isaac uses on his mule

to doctor him when he's sick.

-What?

-Well we seen ol' Ambrose drink it, too, didn't we?

We done seen him do it,

ol' Ambrose just chug-a-lug it right down.

-Well, you didn't drink anything.

-Come on, take another drink.

Let us know if there's a great, big ol' sock to it.

Go on.

-Whoa, it tastes better.

-It tastes better.

[ Laughing, bull lows ]

Well, it must be good, then.

Here's to Uncle Finnie and his new shack.

He's going to get it quick, isn't he?

Cause this is good. He's going to get it right away.

-Honestly it goes down -- [ Bull lowing ]

It's burning all the way down my stomach.

-It's good.

Woo!

-I'm going to need another snort of this laudanum.

-Merry Florene.

-Were you getting impatient, Mr. Newly?

-No, as a matter of fact, I'm not even very hungry yet.

-Me, neither.

I'm not hungry either, Mr. Newly.

At that surprising?

-Surprising?

-Well, the fact that we always kind of

have a meeting of the minds.

Like, you ain't being hungry, me, neither.

[ Giggles, hiccups ]

-Merry Florene, are you sure you're feeling all right?

-Mr. Newly, all of a sudden,

I'm seeing you in a different light, like they say.

-You are?

-Um, you keep saying you ain't,

but I'm saying you got a powerful problem being shy.

-Look, maybe we oughta join the others back at the school.

-Mr. Newly, like, that, uh,

that man-friend of yours you said was sick,

and you had to go visit last night?

Well, I'm a-figuring

there weren't no man-friend being sick.

-Well, as a matter of fact --

as a matter of fact, he was feeling sort of out...

-Mr. Newly...

I got something to tell you.

It's kind of of a secret.

-Well, what is it?

-You promise you won't tell nobody?

-I -- I promise.

-Mr. Newly, I kind of like you.

[ Giggling ]

Mr. Newly, you know what?

You done forgot it's my birthday today.

-Congratulations, Merry Florene.

-Well, being as they ain't no close kinfolks here to --

to seal it,

I guess that be up to you.

-Up -- up to me?

-Eighteen. -Eighteen?

-Eighteen kisses.

It's kind of one of them things we do in the hills.

-Well, now, just a minute.

Just --just -- just hold on, now.

-I'll count while you do it.

One.

-Whoa.

-I love you, Mr. Newly.

-Now look what you gone and done, woman.

Look what you done, woman.

-I love you so much, Mr. Newly.

-Where's the salt at, Ethel?

You bring any?

[ Bull lowing ]

Now, that there's a bull a-bellowing if I ever heard one.

-I told you, this ain't no time to be takin' him out.

-He was plum peaceful til now.

-Well! -I'll be.

We -- we found the bull for you, Marshal.

-And we don't even want no reward.

-That's right, we'll turn him over to you.

[ Bull snorting ]

-Easy now. Easy now, bull.

Easy.

-Ain't no job for me, being a deputy.

Too blame complicatin'.

[ Laughing ]

-Well, the proof's in the pudding, as they say.

-Nothing better ever been made.

-Here's to good business.

Why is that bubbling?

-Has got a heap of spirit, ain't it?

-Yeah!

-That's got it, all right.

Well, I promised you boys $50 advance.

-That's just about what the freight office

has got coming back.

And we'll be doing us a little talking at the jailhouse.

-Well, wait. -We ain't did nothing, Marshal.

-Deputy.

And we'll be talking about what you done

on the way to the jailhouse.

-Now, wait a minute, Deputy.

Let's all of us have a drink here and talk this over.

Now, these boys here haven't, uh...

[ Pop ]

[ Bubbling ]

I have never seen whiskey bubble before.

-Well, we -- we could have put too much aging on it.

-Yeah, it got too much sweetenin' in it.

-We better be getting over the jail, Marshal.

You know, if you got anything to talk to us about...

-Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Hold that back. Hold back there.

Now, just a minute.

Now, you's two's going right smack back to them hills

where you come from, you hear me?

-No jail?

-Oh, I could throw you in jail, all right.

But I'm going to thinking about Merry Florene maybe getting

to be the regular schoolteacher here in Dodge,

and having to own up to you two for kinfolk.

-You just saying, you ain't got no proof we done anything wrong.

-Ain't got no proof?

By the time I got that bull simmered down

and tied to a tree,

I seen you two with my own eyeballs a-hauling

that still out of the schoolhouse cellar.

And the next time you poke your face here in Dodge City,

you're going to a roosting in that jail

until your chin whiskers

is grown clean down to your dirty toenails.

Now, get.

-You got any use for a used still?

I mean, the coil and the lead pipe will cost you $7.

We'll take 5. -How about 3?

-Now, get!

-Well, I just don't know what to say.

-It's our way of welcoming a new schoolteacher.

-Well, y'all is just so sweet.

-You know, we, um,

we've had problems keeping new schoolteachers.

They always seem to be running off and getting married.

[ Laughter ]

-Mathew? -Yeah, Festus?

-You get all your business did in Smith town, did you?

-Yeah, pretty much. How thing's going here?

-Oh, just finer'n frog hair.

Merry Florene got made the regular schoolteacher

here in Dodge.

-Is that so? Well, I'm glad to hear it.

She sure deserves a chance.

Uh, what about that other little problem you had?

Working out all right?

-Oh, worked out plum good, Mathew.

See, there was this here bull and these here

two fellers had their still set up making wobble water,

but I got that $50 reward back.

I want you to know that.

But then there wasn't nothing I could do to hold them fellers

in the jailhouse.

-Festus, I absolutely agree with you.

-Well I figured you would, Mathew.

[ Festus continues indistinctly ]

-Stay tuned for scenes from next week's "Gunsmoke."