Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

[ Man ] Shatner's log: air date, unknown.

The impossible has happened.

It would take days to recount the events I've witnessed.

So, settle in. It all began--

Quiet, you! This court-martial is now in session.

The honorably sexy Zapp Branigan residing.

Bring in the accused.

- [ All Gasping ] - Oh, my.

Philip J. Fry, you stand accused...

of traveling to the forbidden planet Omega 3,

a crime punishable by 12 concurrent death sentences.

- Do you understand the charges? - One beep for "yes," two beeps for "no."

- [ Beeps Once ] - Yes. So noted. Do you plead guilty?

- [ Beeps Twice ] - Double yes. Guilty!

I will now carry out the sentence. Kif, my gun.

Wait! He pled "not guilty."

Order! Order in the court!

Very well then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that led you to be guilty.

[ Rapid Beeping ]

[ Leela ] The professor said he was taking a brief nap, so we only have time for six movies.

Let's take these six Jim Carrey movies and record over them!

You know what six movies average out to be really good? The first six Star Trekmovies!

- [ All Gasping ] - Everybody hit the deck!

Shh! Those words are forbidden.

- What words? Star Trek? - [ Alarm Sounding ]

Shh!Shut your gills!

[ Siren Wailing ]That sound. It's patrol car 718! Hide him!

♪♪ [ Scatting ]

[ Rapid Beeping ]

The court is intrigued.

Perhaps we could hear more about these forbidden words...

from someone with a sexily seductive voice.

With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after theStar Trek wars.

You mean the vast migration of Star Warsfans?

Uh, no. That was the Star Warstrek.

By the 23rd century, Star Trekfandom...

had evolved from a loose association of nerds with skin problems...

into a full-blown religion.

And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship...

where they would be no Tribble at all.

All power to the engines.

[ Nichelle Nichols ] As country after country fell under its influence,

world leaders became threatened by the movement's power.

And so the Trekkies were executed...

in the manner most befitting virgins.

Whoa!He's dead, Jim.

He's dead, Jim. He's dead, Jim.

Finally, the sacred texts were banned.

[ George Takei ] The last copies of the 79 episodes and six movies...

were dumped on the forbidden world Omega 3,

along with that blooper reel where the door doesn't close all the way.

Thus, Star Trekwas forever scoured from human memory.

Another classic science-fiction show canceled before its time.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. I've never heard of such a brutal...

and shocking injustice that I cared so little about.

Next witness!Bender the Robot, please take the stand.

She's all yours, buddy.

I'd only met the defendant, Fry, once,

but I knew he was up to no good.

- Please use the beeps. - Oh!

[ Rapid Beeping ]

Mr. Nimoy! I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.

I can't believe your show was banned.

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

[ Clicking, Whirring ]

You know-- 1966?

Seventy-nine episodes? About 30 good ones?

Oh, really. I've done too many things to remember one particular TV series.

But if-if you want to discuss my books of poetry--

Come on! Remember that episode where you got high on spores and smacked Kirk around?

No. Perhaps you're thinking of my one-man show about Vincent van Spock.

I-I-I mean van Gogh. Damn!

Aha! You can't escape it.

[ Sobbing ] Oh, you're right.

I can't.

Uh-- Geez, don't get upset.

I mean, okay, I outwitted you, but--

No. It's my fellow cast members.

Three hundred years ago, they left Earth behind.

This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard.

Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend.

But I just signed a six-month lease on my apartment.

I can't walk away from a commitment like that.

Farewell, my friend.

Oh!

[ Sobbing ] Why did the world turn its back on our obvious greatness?

I'm literally angry with rage!

Your costars may be gone,

but we can still get those episode tapes back for the whole world to see!

Come on![ Groans ]

Yes! Front row!

You can't go to Omega 3!

It's forbidden! I forbid you!

But we have to! The world needs Star Trekto give people hope for the future!

But it's set 800 years in the past.

Yeah! Why is this so important to you?

'Cause it-- it taught me so much.

Like how you should accept people,

whether they be black, white, Klingon, or even female.

But most importantly, when I didn't have any friends,

it-it made me feel like maybe I did.

Well, that is touchingly pathetic.

I guess I can't let you go alone.

I'll go too-- with Leonard's permission, of course.

We're entering the Omega system. [ Alarm Sounds ]

[ Female Voice ] Warning. You are now in forbidden space.

Forbidden, schur-schmidden.

What are they gonna do, write a letter?

Ooh, I'm so scared.

[ Alarm Sounding ]I've lost control of the ship!

[ Babbling ] Lost control of the ship!

[ Gasps ]Oh, dip!

Dip, indeed.

[ Fry ] It's all stuff from that forbidden show.

So many cardboard sets. So many memories.

If only the others-- [ William Shatner ] I guess that's my cue.

- Bill! - L-Dog!

Hey! This is wonderful!Oh, man.

I feel like hugging you.Well, I would, except you have no body.

And we're both men.

[ Nimoy ] Nichelle! George! Walter!

DeForrest! Welshie!

- Welshie? - We did some musical reunion specials in the 2200s.

But the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.

Ever since then, Welshie has been a welcome participant...

in our escapades.

Aye! [ Speaking Gibberish ]

I can't believe it! How'd you all end up here?

We were on our way to Welshie's cousin's house to stay in the guest room...

when our ship was pulled down to this planet and crashed, just like yours.

When we woke up, we had these bodies.

- Say it in Russian. - [ Groans ]

Ven vee voke up, vee had these wah-dies.

Eee! Now say nuclear "wessels"!

- No! - We love it here.

Everything is provided for us, and we never age.

Check out these abs.

Yowza!But who's doing all this for you?

You know, we never thought about it. We're famous celebrities.

We're used to this sort of treatment. [ Male Voice ] It is I!

- [ All Gasping ] - Whoa! What a cheesy effect!

I'm not an effect! You doubt my power?

I do!

Aye![ All Gasping ]

[ Maniacal Laughing ]Welshie!

This court will now hear some very sensual testimony...

from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela.

Go [ Beep ] yourself.

[ Rapid Beeping ]

Behold another power,

different from the one you saw earlier!

Hey! A body! Buff, tan--

Yeah. This is mine, all right.

All right, you gas. What's the deal?

Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Enterprisecrew...

rained down upon my planet.

Over and over I watched them,

especially the five with the energy beings.

I am Melllvar! Seer of the Tapes! Knower of the Episodes!

Tremble before my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek!

Tremble? I laugh.

- Nobody knows more about Star Trekthan me! - I beg to differ!

Long have I waited for the one who played Spock.

At last we can begin.

Cool! A Star Trekconvention!

Uh-- Uh, Melllvar? Can you give us some idea...

how long this is going to last?

- Until time stops. - What? - You can't do this!

Now, we have a full schedule of events.

Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave?Good question.

- No. You have to stay even longer! - [ Both Grumbling ]

[ Snoring ]

Um-- Uh-- Sign it to Melllvar.

Melllvar has three "L's".

I think I've done enough conventions to know how to spell Melllvar.

- Say "nerd"! - Nerd!

I'm Slim Shady.

Yes. I'm the real Shady.

All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating.

So, won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Please stand up. Please stand up.

How can you do a spoken-word version of a rap song?

He found a way.

For 100 quatloos, who did the captain maroon on Ceti Alpha Five?

Khan!

[ Bell Dings ]Uh, Khan?

- Correct! - My button has broken!

The trivia contest is ended. I now have a surprise.

You will perform a fan script...

written by the ultimate Trekfan!

You have my fan script?I meant me! Melllvar's the ultimate fan!

Oh. I was confused because the scoreboard says something different.

[ Grumbling ] Trivia contest over! Take your scripts!

We have limited rehearsal time.

Now, I didn't make enough copies of the script,

so George and Walter will have to share.

Uh-- You probably don't want us to see you rehearsing, or it'll give away the ending.

That's right! The ending must not be ruined!

- We'll go wait in the ship. - Okay.

Not till I get my 600 quatloos!

This is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned them there.

I don't know. I'm feelin' pretty good about it.

I didn't want to leave them either, Fry. But what were we supposed to do?

Well, usually on the show, someone would come up with a complicated plan,

then explain it with a simple analogy.

Hmm. If we can reroute engine power through the primary weapons...

and reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency,

that should overload his electro-quantum structure.

Like putting too much air in a balloon!

Of course! It's so simple!

"Alas, my ship, whom I love like a woman,

is... disabled."

- Oh, Lord. - "Fascinating, Captain.

And logical too. Yet we need some help."

"Look, Captain. Melllvar will help us."

"Captain, I wope he will welp our vessel."

- Wessel! - [ Shuddering ]

- You're not acting hard enough! - Melllvar, you have to respect your actors.

When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill...

because I respected him so much.

And when I directed Star Trek V,

I got a magnificent performance out of me because I respected me so much.

Okay! I'm done "recafoobelling" the energy-motron!

Or whatever!

Fire!

"My, what a handsome energy creature you are.

I love you."

[ Screaming ]Hey, you wrote it!

[ Groans ]

It's not working! He's drawing strength from our weapons!

Like a balloon, and... something bad happens!

[ Shouting ]

[ Both Screaming ]

[ Bender ] Yep.

So, uh, how's rehearsal going?

Lousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch of actors, while you,

a crew of genuine space heroes, risked your lives to save them.

Hey, we've done heroic things too.

Yeah. In the third season, I kissed Shatner.

Silence! My whole world has turned upside down.

I have but one option.

- Keep them and let us go? - No!

To determine who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion,

I shall pit you against each other in armed combat... to the death!

Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that?

Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77!

Great list. Except you forgot episode 66. [ Chuckling ]

[ Stammering ] I was getting to that one!

[ Shouting ]

So Melllvar ordered a battle to the death.

- I assume no one survived? - [ Sighs ]

Can we get on with this? My foot's getting tired.

[ Beeping ]

This will be your standard battle to the death.

The only weapons-- whatever you can find.

But I warn you. Do nothing...

until I have signaled the start of combat.

Okay, start.[ All Gasping, Shouting ]

[ Wind Howling ]

I don't have much experience at fighting, except with you guys.

I have an idea. Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?

- You mean Doohan? - [ Both Chuckling ]

Whoever it was, I did it like this. Yaah!

- Ow! - My foot's cold.

There. We can make these into spears.

And we can tie these caterpillars together to make bow strings for bows and arrows.

And we can use this machine gun to shoot them!

Yee-haw!

[ Clicking ]

[ Laughing ] That was fun.

What if I distract them with my famous fan dance?

Oh, that's good, good, good, good. And then, George,

you give them a karate chop.I find that offensive.

Just because I'm of Japanese ancestry, you assume I know karate.

Have I ever led you to believe I have studied karate?

Well, no. But you never talk about yourself.

Maybe if you showed a little interest.

Well, here goes nothing.

[ Screaming ]

Hello, boys.

Whoa!

Hyah![ Shouting ]

Aah![ Gasps ]

- There's no right way to hit a woman. - Then do it the wrong way.

Fine. Yeee-oh-ho!

- Is that all you got? Hyah! - [ Groaning ]

Come on, Walter!Take that!

[ Whooping ][ Groaning ] It hurts.

Let's see if this actually works. [ Grunts ]

Ow! Ow! Ow!Aah! My face!

[ Groans ] My face too!

May I?

- Hyah! - [ Groans ]

Excellent. Excellent.

Leela, please. This is exactly what Melllvar wants.

We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers.

Can't we resolve our differences some other way?

Melllvar! Dinnertime!

Aw, but, Mom! I'm playin' with my collectibles!

Now![ Groans ]

All this time, we thought he was a powerful super-being.

- Yet he was just a child. - He's not a child! He's 34!

All right, Koenig! I've wanted to do this for years!

Bender, wait! This is our chance to escape before Melllvar comes back!

But we all need to work together.

I love you so much.[ Nimoy Clears Throat ] Hello.

We've decided to work together.Yeah, so did they.

Now, how do we escape?

We can't use our ship.

We have life support, but the engines are wrecked.

Ironic, because our engines work, but our life support systems don't.

Hey. If your engines work--And your life support systems work--

Stop! You're just goin' around in circles!

Think, Fry. Think. Everyone's depending on you.

We're too heavy! You guys need to lose some weight. Fast!

Fish.

Look! Leonard! We're light enough to keep the tapes!

Isn't that great?I'm living in a gefilte fish jar.

We did it![ All Cheering ]

[ Melllvar Chuckling Evilly ]

- [ All Shouting ] - Melllvar's got a spaceship!

Yes! In mint condition!

And you made me take it out of the package!

The Nimbus! We're saved!

You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded.

So I boarded you, huh? Uh, what happened next?

You started this stupid court-martial!

Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting Melllvar.

[ All Panting ]

- [ All Gasping ] - One more hit, and we're done for!

Let's take him out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code?

Like destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3--

Thanks a lot, Takei! Now everybody knows!

If I can't have the original cast of Star Trek, no one will!

Prepare to die!

Wait! If they mean that much to you, why do you want to kill them?

Because I-- I--

I don't know what I'd do without them.

Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life.

You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig.

After Star Trek, he became an actor.

Not just an actor but a well-rounded person...

with my own friends and credit cards and keys.

Well, I... guess I could move out of my parents' basement.

- Maybe get a temp job. - Whoa, whoa. One step at a time.

I thank you, Fry.

You know, you and I are of a kind.

In a different reality, I could have called you... friend.

Episode 10. "Balance of Terror."

More like episode nine, loser!

In your face! Victory is mine!

[ Taunting Laughter ]

I wonder, my friends.

Was he really such an evil energy gas?

He did give us eternal youth.

Twenty-four hour Laundromat.

A full assortment of rum, both spiced and regular.

Truly, it was a paradise.

And all you had to put up with was one really annoying Star Trekfan.

Let's get the hell out of here.