Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry.

The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.

I know, and I've grown to accept that.

Now I'm more interested in that new pizza parlor across the street.

Kind of makes me pine for my days as a pizza delivery boy.

"Here's your pizza," I'd say. "I didn't order any," they'd say.

And then I'd be off to my next adventure.

That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars.

I think the owner is from Signas Five.

Signoids? On our block? Fi and foo! They should go back where they came from!

Professor, please!

Society's never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

Now let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome. No!

You sure about these-a chairs?

Guidebook says human legs bend down at knee.

It's okay, Mama. Anyone-a complains, I bend legs up for free.

Ooh, customers!

[ Bell Ringing ]

Welcome to Earth pizza store. Here. Sit.

I bend-a knees for you. Ooh, that's comfy.

Uuh!

Okay. Now, what-a kinda pizza goes in you?

Silt? Asbestos?

We got guano, very fresh.

Ah, mm, do you have any food?

Here. Try a deep-a dish pizza. Contains-a four kinda things.

[ Both Gagging ]

- I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit. - Thank you.

No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.

[ Arguing In Alien Language ]

[ Both Sobbing ]

Hey, hey. What's wrong? Was it something Leela said?

We come-a to Earth to start new life,

raise fat, spoiled Earth kids,

hang many underwear from Earth clothesline, live Earthican dream.

[ Sobbing Wildly ]

Aw, don't cry, foreign people. I used to work in a pizzeria,

and as soon as I stop hallucinating and blasting puke,

I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza, Earth-style.

Oh, thank you, magic biped!

Mm-mm-mm!

You save us-a, sir.

If we cannot-a make-a Earth-a pizza, our dream-a will die,

just like rats we crush to make the wine.

For starters, only use quality ingredients.

Case in point, no more live bees.

[ Buzzing ]

Oregano works equally well. And when you put pizzas in the oven, don't get in with them.

Hey! Occupato.

Most important of all is the big-screen TV.

Human families need a TV while they're eating, so they don't have to talk to each other.

Ah, the Earthican pastime, blernsball.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Male Announcer ] Mulligan drives the ball.

It's going, going and caught by the shortstop.

Mets lose again. Man, I haven't seen play this bad...

since the days of Bob Uecker.

This is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching.

Mets-a? Short-a-stop-a?

Pinching the hitter? I don't understand this blerns-a-ball.

Well, if you're gonna be Earthicans, we'll have to teach you.

How 'bout your pizzeria plays a game against Planet Express?

- Oh, but you'll need nine players. - No problem.

[ Shouting In Alien Language ]

[ Scattered Grunts ]

Play the ball!

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Scolding In Alien Language ]

Go, team! Beat those no-good Signoids!

Show them they stink in a game they've never played before!

Ahh, this is-a why I love Earth-a--

beautiful, star-brightened day,

friendly blernsball game with chum pals.

So pleasant for everybody.

- [ Grunts ] - Ohh!

Hit by a pitch. Take your base.

[ Gasps ] Sorry about that!

I guess I needed a few more warm-up pitches.

[ Moaning ]

- No batter, no batter! - [ Grunts ]

- No batter anymore. - Take your base.

I didn't mean to hit you. I have some trouble with depth perception.

Yeah, me too now.

Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter!

Hey, batter, batter! Duck!

- Take your base. - [ Crowd Murmuring ]

Please, lady! I want to live. Can I use bat to protect head? Ow!

- Apparently not. - [ Cheering ]

Heh heh! Check out the one-eyed bean machine!

[ Moaning ]

Hooray! I make-a score point!

Leela, you beaned a run in. You better let me pitch.

But I've got a no-hitter going! [ Sighs ] You're right.

Here. [ Groans ]

[ All ] Yea!

Don't take her out! She's a firecracker!

Excuse me. I'd like to talk to you. Am I under arrest?

Wait. I know you. You're the sleazebag who owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting League.

Not anymore. Now I'm the sleazebag who owns the New New York Mets.

The Mets? Those bums are worse than me.

Close to it. But they don't draw a crowd like you, which is why I wanna sign you to the team.

Oh, you mean I'd be the first woman ever to play major league blernsball?

Well, yeah. But basically, you'd just be a publicity stunt.

I figure a one-eyed lady skullbuster might bring out the freak-show crowd.

Wow! The first woman ever to play major league blernsball!

- Again, yeah. But basically, you'd just be-- - Yippee!

Ta-da! The first woman ever to play major league blernsball!

- How do I look? - Like a sexy Yogi Berra.

Eh, why is your number "7/8"?

All the whole numbers have been retired.

Well, I must say, I'm impressed. You look just like a ballplayer.

- Can I pat you on the butt? - Fry, I'm a professional athlete. So go ahead.

Oh, now I'm too nervous.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Scattered Jeers ] Boo! Come on!

Well, folks, it's only the fifth inning, but the Swedes have turned this one into a laugher,

and that's with two F's.

The crowd is pouring out of the stadium L.A.-style.

Skipper, we're losin' the crowd. Put in our new novelty act, Leela.

- [ Delighted Gasp ] - Nagdaggit! I already put in the circus clown!

Yeah, but he bunted. Clowns are only funny when they swing away.

[ Man On P.A. ] Your attention, please. Now pitching for the Mets,

Turanga Leela,

a one-eyed woman. [ All Exclaiming ]

Hoo-hoo! Come on! Throw like a girl!

[ All Cheering ]

Too much eyeliner!

[ Uecker ] This is history in the making, folks.

Bjornson steps up to the plate and Leela delivers.

- Oh, gee! - [ Bender ] Bull's-eye!

[ Uecker ] Ooh! An inauspicious start...

for the career of the first woman blernsballer.

- Uuh! - D'oh!

An inauspicious continuation for the career of the first woman blernsballer.

- Ooh! - [ All Muttering, Chuckling ]

[ All ] Bean! Bean! Bean!

Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!

Bean! Bean! Uuh!

Oh! [ Crowd Cheering ]

Ouch! It's a three-beanball salad. The Mets fans love it, though, and who can blame them?

They haven't had much to cheer about this year. Ooh!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Kid, that was great. You got us more publicity than a cowboy in a shark tank.

Poor Tex. He was quite a shark.

Whoop!

[ Scattered ] Hey! Hey, come on! Ooh, sorry. I win.

Oop, sorry.

Bender, how did you get in here? As your agent, I have access to you at all times.

- Since when are you my agent? - [ Chiming ]

Quiet! Call comin' in. Yes?

A big endorsement deal for Leela? How much?

Hey! You put a one and two zeroes in front of that, or we pass! Deal!

Bender, that's great! How much did you get me? One hundred dollars.

As a pitcher, I serve up plenty of beanballs,

so I know good beans when I see them.

Bean-Bay Beans. They're the beaniest.

[ Man ] Cut!

[ Crowd ] Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!

[ Uecker ] In very short order, Leela has become a fan favorite.

- Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! - Uuh!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Sirens Wailing ]

You're the best, babe.

[ Chiming ] Hang on. Call comin' in. What's that?

Hey, you put a one and two zeroes in front of that, or we pass! Deal!

So what did you get me? A thousand and one pesos.

[ Clapboard Claps ] Yo soy muy malo en lanzar.

Pero yo soy muy bueno en comer frijoles.

Come los Bean-Bay frijoles, los frijoles de los reyes.

Cut! Okay, now do one with the bean suit on.

[ Murmurings ]

Leela really bringin' in the customers.

This keep up, we need to buy second sauce toilet.

When I grow up, I want to injure men by throwing stuff at them, just like you, Leela.

- Will you sign my magazine? - Aw, sure thing, sweetie.

- Who should I make it out to? - Well, uh, to eBay.

That's a popular name today. Little "e," big "B"?

[ Beeping ] Heh, heh!

Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans.

Add a one and two zeroes in front of that, we got ourselves a wad.

I'm not doing this for the wad.

I'm doing it for all the struggling female athletes who need a role model.

Yeah, a role model for how to stink. [ All Exclaiming ]

- What? Who are you? - Jackie Anderson.

I'm on the blernsball team at NNYU, and I was hoping to get to play in the majors soon.

Oh! Following in my footsteps.

[ Scoffs ] God forbid! Your little freak show is making it impossible...

for real female ballplayers to be taken seriously.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Sobbing ]

All right. Show's over. No refunds. You heard the robot. Get out.

I'm a fool. The fans haven't been cheering for me. They've been cheering at me.

Don't be upset, Leela. You, um-- You look really cute in your uniform.

That's what makes it so sad! I thought I was doing something heroic!

You are! What about that little girl you visited in the hospital?

You know the one I mean-- the one who died?

You're right. I can't let people down anymore.

As God is my witness, I vow to earn the respect of girls and women everywhere.

I will become the best blernsball player of all time!

[ Clears Throat ] That's statistically impossible.

In 77 innings, you haven't gotten a single out.

At this rate, you're sure to go down as the worst blernsball player of all time!

Oh. Then I have a new vow.

I solemnly swear I will become not the worst blernsball player of all time!

[ Groans ]

Hey, look. The players who broke the various color barriers.

When will man learn that all races...

are equally inferior to robots?

Ah, here we are-- the worst player in history.

If I can be just a little better than him, I can slink away with my head held high.

It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to an unusually cold bat.

And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt.

It's even a crummy hologram.

I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. Hank Aaron XXIV.

Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play so blowfully? The original Hank Aaron was great.

No, I was better than great. I was the home run king.

- Neat! - So, Hank-- the bad Hank--

just how blowful were you? Well, I had a low batting average.

Low? It was zero, you fungo. You went your whole career without getting a hit.

Leela can beat that. She's pitched her whole career without getting an out.

[ Chuckles ] You stink, lady!

Hey, junior. She belongs in the exhibit instead of you.

Forget it. This job's too cushy to give up.

[ Slurping ] Ah, Wade Boggs. Goes down smooth.

Look, I don't wanna be in this exhibit. That's why I need your help--

so I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you.

Oh, I can't help you play better than Tiny Iota. That guy was great.

But I'll teach you everything I know.

Okay, let's see what you can do.

One thing she can do is lodge a ball in the dead center of your brain.

You better get a batting helmet.

All right. Low and away.

- Uuh! - Ooh! Ouch!

[ Moaning ]

Okay, try it again. But this time, keep your eye off the ball.

You mean, keep your eye on the ball.

Hey, lady, which one of us is in the Hall of Fame?

- Psst! You're holding the bat upside down. - Just pitch the ball.

Okay. Eye off the ball.

Uuh!

Stee-rike! Hooray! Yeah, you did it, Leela.

[ Laughs ] I didn't hit the batter!

For once I was pitching and not just belly itching.

Oh, you got that too? I think there's a rash goin' around.

** [ Organ ]

[ Low Groaning ]

Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters,

where the Mets close out a season that will rank among mankind's most awful crimes.

[ Slurping ]

Hey! You opened a franchise!

Yes. Our biggest seller is Leela's bean pizza--

six kinds of beans, plus several things that look like beans.

Beans, huh?

Mmm, this is great! How do you make the crust so fizzy?

Ah, ah, ah! Ancient Signoid secret.

My husband. Some hotshot! Here's his ancient Signoid secret.

Live hornets. We smoosh them right into dough.

- Look, I don't care if there's horse manure in it. - That's-a good.

I wanna buy this franchise. How does a hundred thousand dollars sound?

Forget it-a! We come to Earth to make-a pizza, not-a money.

No, Blek! Other way around. Oh, right. Offer accepted.

[ Cheering, Laughing ]

Well, fans, Boston's turning the last game of the season into a real squeaker,

and that's with three E's.

Two men on, and they're down to their last out.

Come on, Skipper. It's my last chance to prove I'm not the worst player ever.

Please put me in. No! We're actually winning this game.

You only go in as a joke when we're eight runs behind,

or when our other pitchers sneak out early to beat the traffic!

Come on! Let's see some fundamentals out there!

[ Horn Honking ] And not clown fundamentals!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Grumbling ]

Now the bases are loaded! Isn't there a man on this team who can get one more out?

- I can! - I repeat: Isn't there a man on this--

I've been training with Hank Aaron.

You've been training with the Hank Aaron?

- I've been training with a Hank Aaron. - All right then.

Get in there and pitch like you've never pitched like you before!

[ Man On P.A. ] Now pitching for the Mets, Turanga Leela!

- [ Crowd Cheering Wildly ] - Bean! Bean!

- Bean! Bean! - Yea, Leela!

[ Overlapping Chatter ]

Go, Leela! Put it right down the pike!

Strike him out, Leela! Do it for the hundreds of women everywhere!

[ Crowd ] Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! [ Man On P.A. ] Your attention.

Now pinch-hitting for the Poindexters, Jackie Anderson!

- [ All Exclaiming ] - Will ya look at that?

College blernsball's finest female hitter making her big league debut...

against pro ball's worst female anything.

I've never seen anything this bizarre, and I've seen Mr. Belvedere naked. Whoo!

Keep cool. She's just like any other player.

She puts on her sports bra one arm at a time.

Uuh!

- Stee-rike one! - [ All Gasp ]

[ Gasps ] Strike one! A personal best.

Uuh!

- Stee-rike two! - [ Crowd Gasps ]

[ Uecker ] Remember, fans, this exciting moment is brought to you...

by Month-old Franks, the hot dogs with experience.

Mmm-mm!

Mmm-uuh!

Uuh-aah!

- [ Fry Gasps ] - [ All Gasp ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Bell Dings ]

- [ Fireworks Exploding ] - [ Squeaking ]

A grand slam blern! The Mets lose! Their season is over,

and no question, Leela, the first woman ever to reach the majors,

will go down as the single worst player in the history of blernsball.

She's taught the world that being a bum knows no gender.

[ Crowd Cheering ] And yet, tonight we have witnessed the beginning...

of a great career for the first woman to play the sport well,

Jackie Anderson.

[ Sniffling ]

Leela? Jackie. I guess you were right.

I'm a lousy role model. I'm sorry.

No, don't be. It turns out you were an inspiration after all.

- I was? - Uh-huh.

You were so awful that women everywhere set out to prove they don't stink as bad as you.

You know, like a pig or somethin'. Oh, that's so kind of you.

- I guess I made a difference after all. - You absolutely did, Leela.

Now please, please retire immediately.

Hey, kid. Catch.

Wha-- Ohh!

[ Sighs ]

Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time.

Yeah, yeah.