Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

Good news, everyone.

You all know the orphanarium where Leela grew up.

- Sure. We talk about it all the time. - Really?

No. Burn!

Well done, fellows. Anyway, said orphanarium...

has named Leela "Orphan of the Year."

- [ All Cheering ] - Your parents must be so proud.

- Ooh, sorry. - And the good news keeps on coming.

Behold, my latest invention.

[ Beeps ]

[ All ] Whoa! [ Bender ] Neat.

- [ Straining ] - [ Beeping ]

Ta-da! It's a glow-in-the-dark nose...

you can wear over your regular non-glowing nose.

Observe.

[ Amy ] Whoa! "Clool"!

[ Bender ] Now I can punch you in the nose in the dark.

[ Sneezes ]

[ Nasal ] Where'd it go?

Hey, Professor, what's all this groop...

blurking out of the machine?

That? It's, uh, nothing. Yes, nothing.

If you think it's anything, you're a suspicious moron.

It looks like toxic waste.

[ Sniffs ] And it smells like toxic waste.

What does it taste like?

Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good.

But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.

All right, all right! So the machine produces a few toxic by-products.

You don't have to make a federal case out of it.

- I'm afraid I do. - [ Farnsworth ] Ooh-ooh!

I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly. or bribe me.

Either way, it'll cost $500.

Five hundred real dollars? That's an outrage!

Professor, I'll take care of that waste for $499 and 100 cents.

Hmm. I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Do you take credit cards? Let's find out.

All right, environment. You've met your match.

[ Laughs, Grunts ]

[ Glass Breaks ]

[ Bender Grunting ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Coughing, Gasping ]

Hey, get back in the sewer, weirdie. No mutants on the surface.

But he ruined my wedding dress.

Honey, that thing was ruined the minute it went on you.

That's what I'm talkin' about. [ Inhales ]

You know, it's not easy being an orphan.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, God! [ Clears Throat ]

But today's honoree, Turanga Leela,

has really made something of herself.

I'll never forget the night that cute little alien baby was abandoned on our doorstep.

Because I have a photographic memory, and I remember every night.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Raining ] [ Baby Gurgling ]

[ Gurgling ]

What the-- An alien language.

I guess you're an alien. What a beautiful, gigantic eye you have--

Well, come on in.

[ Warden's Voice ] From those humble beginnings,

Leela went on to become a county certified starship captain.

And so it is my pleasure today, to nail her picture...

alongside those of our most distinguished alumni.

[ Cheering, Applause ]

Thank you very much.

Like many of you, I never knew my parents. Give me a--

I don't know if they were mighty alien overlords, [ Warden Yells ] That little--

or simply underpaid alien janitors,

who fought crime on the side. There we are. Picture's up.

- It's crooked! - [ Grumbling ]

In the end though, it doesn't matter who my parents were.

All that matters is what I learned here,

within these unscalable walls,

that I had the strength to make it on my own.

Just like all of you kids here today. [ Cheering ]

[ Chanting ] Leela! Leela! Leela!

Look at me! I'm Leela!

Uh-uh, 'cause I'm Double Leela.

Whee! [ Grunts ]

That's it, Albert. No more espresso for you.

Mind if we get a picture of you with your picture for the news, ma'am?

Yes! I mean, no!

Just make sure you get my nonchalant side.

Whoo!

[ Leela Sniffling, Sobbing ]

If those aren't tears of happiness, please stop crying.

It's okay, Fry. I'm fine.

I won an award today.

Is it this room that's making you sad?

It's probably the room. Come on. Let's go for a walk.

I'm sorry you saw that, Fry.

I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside,

where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.

Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.

I told a whole crowd today that being an orphan made me strong.

But all I really wanted was a mom and dad...

to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me they love me.

Then today's your lucky day, because I happen to be...

a holding, stroking, loving machine, also spanking.

That's not even close to what I had in mind.

Well, anyway, just remember that people care about you.

I know.

Sometimes, when I'm lonely,

I look up at the sky, and I get this feeling...

that somewhere on some unknown planet circling a distant star,

my parents are up there, looking down on me.

[ Truck Beeping ]

** [ Scatting ]

Yo, yo, Ba-zender, what up?

My dumping business is booming.

I just got hired to clean up the set of Free Willy III.

[ Whirring ]

[ Grunting ]

Bender, cut it out!

First of all, the sewer mutants will be mad.

Second, everything else that's horribly wrong with what you're doing.

[ Grunts ] [ Splash ]

Those stupid mutants can't do anything.

You seem to be forgetting one simple fact.

Namely, I'm up here, and they are safely down-- [ Yells ]

[ All Yelling ]

[ Crash ]

What did I do to deserve this?

Behold, our once beautiful mutagenic sewage lake.

The radioactive waste you've dumped in it has made it bright enough...

to see how ugly we really are.

Aah! Oh, man!

As if our lives weren't miserable enough already.

- Tell me about it. - Let the punishment commence!

Punishment? No fair! Bender's innocent!

The instant you touch these mutateous waters,

your D.N.A. will be forever altered,

turning you into horrible mutants like us.

Especially him. Oh!

- Allow me to demonstrate. - [ Pulley Whirring ]

[ All Gasping, Groaning ]

[ All ] Eww!

Oh! [ Gags ]

It's like that time I peeked in the kitchen at Imperial Hunan.

Submerge the prisoners!

[ Bender Yelling, Stammering ]

Wait. I don't even have D.N.A. Why am I screaming?

We're gonna beat you afterwards.

[ Bender Yelling, Stammering ] Oh, God!

[ Chanting ] Mutate! Mutate! Mutate!

[ Gasps ] Turanga Leela!

Who said that? How do you know my real name?

[ Both Grunting ]

Whee!

[ Clamoring ]

[ All Grunt ] What happened?

I don't know. I think I saved us somehow.

Go after them! The waters can't mutate us mutants!

- [ All Yelling ] - [ Mutants Grunting ]

[ All Panting ]

[ Bender ] Duh, duh, duh!

[ Mutant ] They went this way!

[ Mutants Yelling ]

Quick! In there!

Huh? [ Grunts ]

[ Fry Grunts, Groans ]

[ Mutants Clamoring ] Kill! Kill! Kill!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

[ Gasps ]

Great Cheech's ghost!

What's this junk? It looks like...

a time line of my whole life.

That's when we saved Earth from a giant asteroid of garbage.

And here's when I dropped out and bummed around India for a while.

And this is just last year at Space Mardi Gras.

It's like some kind of weird Leela museum. And I'm the Leela.

Dude, over here.

It's all the best stuff I ever flushed down the toilet.

Those are some of my diary pages. And my screenplay!

And also, for some reason, the letter I wrote you full of my personal feelings.

Oh, I'm scared!

My whole life has just been a show for some perverted mutant.

They must be in here. Yeah, capture them!

And then Bender ran.

Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet.

[ Both Straining ]

[ Mutants Yell ] Got ya.

Take this! Aah! Ow!

This time I'm calling for the death penalty.

And not just because I'm running for reelection as supreme mutant.

[ Chanting ] Four more years! Four more years!

Psst. [ Whispering, Indistinct ]

Oh, very well. Your attention.

Instead of being tortured to death,

the prisoners shall hereby be expelled from the sewers...

and never allowed to return.

Oh, cruel fate!

Can we really never return to this dank pit of sewage?

Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore?

Yeah, what are you, chicken? [ Clucking ]

Shut up, you two. We can kill ourselves when we get home.

They'll need transportation to the surface.

Bring in the airship.

- Eww! - We constructed it from the remnants...

of old discarded Macy's Parade balloons--

Underdog's groin, Bart Simpson's left ear and right shin,

Garfield's owner Jon's forehead.

Fire up the sewer gas!

[ Coughing ]

[ Fish Sloshing ]

- [ Metal Clangs ] - Move it, you ugly normals!

[ Grunts, Whimpers ] Whoa!

Huh? [ Yelling ]

I'm getting dizzy. I can't walk straight.

** [ Vocalizing ]

[ Fry Grunting ] Whoa!

[ Leela ] Whoa. Whoa!

[ Squeaking ]

Come on, Leela. You can do it!

[ Bender ] Hurry, we're missing our bus!

[ Fry ] Hey, what are you doing?

[ Bender ] I'm gettin' on the bus!

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

[ Leela ] They know something about me.

And I've got to find out what.

[ Bubbling ]

Blech!

The lake didn't mutate me. What is going on here?

It worked for me. I used to be a little blonde girl named Virginia.

Yech! [ Splash ]

[ Gasps ] Who the hell are you?

No one. And watch your language, young lady!

- [ Leela Growling ] - [ Both Gasping ]

Stop right there! I don't wanna hurt you. [ Karate Yell ]

[ Grunts ] I didn't want you to hurt me either.

Leela's going nuts, and I can't save her...

unless I learn more about her mysterious past.

Isn't there anything else you can tell me?

Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.

That's impossible, because my time is worthless.

Oh. Well, then there is one thing.

It's the note I found with Leela the day she was abandoned.

But it's written in Alienese, so no one on Earth can translate it.

Not even Brainzilla. Hand it over!

Sure. I just wish I could be more helpful.

Would you like some dirt on any other orphans?

Look. I'm trying to save someone here. I'll have to come back for those later.

Can you translate it? Of course.

But only into Beta-crypt-three.

A language so complex, there's even less chance of understanding it.

I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse. I asked you to get busy.

Very well. [ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ] [ Whirring ]

Isn't that the same machine that makes noses?

It can do other things. Why shouldn't it?

[ Straining ]

Of course, even if it is possible to analyze the message,

there's no way of knowing how long it would take.

It could take an hour, or it could take a hundred million years.

- [ Bell Dings ] - Is it done?

Certainly not. Two dings means it's done.

[ Dings Twice ] But not like that. Slightly more rapid.

- [ Dings Twice, Quickly ] - [ Fry Gasps ]

[ Panting ]

Where did they go?

[ Clattering ]

Good news, Leela. I landed the contract...

to empty all the spittoons in Little Italy. [ Grunts ]

[ Yells ] Eww!

[ Snoring ] [ Bell Dings Twice ]

That's it. It's done. [ Gasps ]

I can't believe it. My mind is boggling.

The analysis of the note is printing out now.

[ Slowly Printing ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Baby Crying ]

It's a girl. My God, she's beautiful.

No extra anythings.

[ Gurgling ]

What people skills! She's completely perfect!

In my professional opinion as an ear, ear, ear, nose and throat doctor,

she is the least mutated mutant ever born.

And yet, she's cursed to live the horrible, degrading life of a mutant.

Like all of us. Especially him.

[ Sniffles ] It's true.

Maybe we can do better for her.

[ Clanging ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Straining ]

[ Baby Leela Gurgling ]

I made this bracelet so that in some small way, we'll always be with you.

Even when it doesn't seem like it.

During your entire life, for example. [ Kissing Sound ]

You won't pass for human, cutie.

But if my Ph.D. in Excel-Linguistics is worth diddly-poop,

this note should convince them you're an alien.

And that'll be enough to give you a real life.

[ Gurgling ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

She'll never know we're her parents.

That's our gift to her.

Better we should die than have her learn the shameful truth of her origin.

I'm with ya.

I guess you're an alien.

What a beautiful, gigantic eye you have--

Well, come on in.

[ Both Inhale ] [ Splash ]

[ Panting ]

- [ Panting ] - [ Both Panting ]

- Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us. - What's there to talk about?

Shh! Hands up! [ Both Gasp ]

- Tentacles too! - Don't say anything stupid, Morris.

What is all this? Am I a game to you?

Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show?

Do you believe I'm your Messiah?

The mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it!

Well, actually, they're-- Morris, shh!

And what about this? [ Bracelet Jingling ]

Where did you get this bracelet? Did you steal it from me when I was a baby?

Or from my parents? You robbed my parents, didn't you?

I bet you sick mutants killed them!

My parents were confused aliens lost on Earth, and you killed them!

Is that it? Admit it!

Yes, we killed them.

You guessed the truth.

Aah! Because of you, I'll never know my parents!

I'll kill you!

That would be best.

[ Beeping, Whirring ]

[ Fry ] Stop!

Thanks, Bender. Don't do it, Leela!

They killed my parents! Close.

- They are my parents. - Yes.

I had the professor analyze the Alienese letter that was found with you.

- What does it say? - I dunno.

But the analysis showed it was printed on recycled toilet paper.

A "squeezably" soft paper used mainly in the sewers.

It says, "Your parents love you very much."

We still do.

So, I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant?

We never wanted you to know. You deserved a better life.

You must despise us. [ Sobbing ]

You're my parents!

All I've ever wanted is to know you.

[ Sobbing ] This is the happiest moment of my life.

[ All Sobbing ]

Aw!

* When I see you alone

* I see what's in your mind

* You want me Yes, you do *

* You don't need to tell me

* I know you love me most

* No one else take my place

* You need me Yes, you do *

* Forever and ever

* When we kiss I see what's in your heart *

* You love me Yes, you do *

* You don't need to tell me

* I know you love me most

* No one else take my place

* You need me, you do

* Forever and ever

* We are baby love child

* I'll take you so high groovy love child *

* Give me a kiss baby love child *

* Do it again *