Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

You are one narrow-minded spaceship, Planet Express Ship!

[ Male Voice ] Whoa, whoa! Why should my tax money pay for art I find offensive?

Would you censor the Venus de Venus...

just because you can see her spewers?

It's filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we're at it?

- Why not indeed! - Bender! Ship!

Stop bickering, or I'm gonna come back there and change your opinions manually.

Fine! I'll be in my quarters appreciating controversial artworks.

[ Yelps ] Oops. Sorry.

[ Evil Chuckle ]

Yah! That ship is so white-bread.

People, it's Valentine's Day next week,

so your beloved company has gotten you all new uniforms. [ All Exclaiming ]

"Clool"! Clothing! Delicious clothing!

We'll need to look our best if we're to get the account...

of our new potential customer-- Romanticorp.

Romanticorp? Are they a corporation that makes romantic stuff?

Very good, Amy.

Everyone suit up. We're off to the most romantic city on earth.

[ Hatch ] [ Kissing Sound ]

Remember, we've got to show these people...

we're not bitter husks of human beings...

who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime.

Leela, you'll have to do some acting. Check.

Welcome!

Oh, I'm just so excited!

[ Kissing Sound ]

I'm Sheldon, and this is my chief financial officer, Gwen.

For 30 years, we've shared the adventure of managing Romanticorp.

Not to mention the adventure of marriage. [ Chuckling ]

[ Chuckles ] [ Kissing Sound ]

Oh, you have got to be kidding.

[ Electricity Buzzes ] Ow! I-- I mean--

Ah! That's so sweet.

[ Electricity Buzzes ] Aah! I mean,

[ Baby Talk ] Ah! That's so sweet.

[ Farnsworth ] You know, romance is an important part of our work too.

Right, everyone? [ All, Unenthusiastic ] Yeah. Sure.

Do any of you collect Lovey Bears?

I do! Kif's given me dozens.

Is it true what the ad says,

that you kiss them together out of blankie cloth and magic buttons?

No. It's actually cheaper to genetically engineer real ones.

[ Bears Giggling, Cooing ]

[ Sheldon ] They frolic in the Lovey Forest until their first birthday.

Then we choose the cuddly-uddliest ones...

and stuff them full of fire-retardant love fluff.

[ Cooing, Baby Talk ]

So cute!

Knowing which pickup lines fizzle and which ones sizzle...

keeps us on the cutting edge of flirtation technology.

Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans.

My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.

** [ Romantic ]

[ Sighing, Cooing ]

Does that dummy have a brother?

And now, friends and lovers,

we come to the heart our operation.

Pun definitely intended. [ Chuckling ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Bored Sigh ] Oh!

- Impressive. - My family has been making these hearts since the 1900s.

Tastes may have changed, but our secret recipe sure hasn't.

[ Rumbling ]

Whoa! Letters like "U" and "R" can mean words like "you" and "are."

- Here, Leela. You are too cute. - Perhaps. What's your point?

I've never been able to put into words how I feel about you.

But somewhere among these trillions of hearts,

those words must already exist,

and I'm gonna find them.

[ Muffled Grunting ] [ Shotgun Blasts ]

[ Giggling ] [ Shotgun Blasts Continue ]

[ Yelps, Groaning ]

So, do we have the contract?

[ Farnsworth ] With that big new Romanticorp contract,

I've been able to make those government-mandated upgrades...

you've all been suing me about.

Ooh, look. You taped up the cracks in the dark-matter reactor.

And you got a cage for the lion. [ Lion Snarls ]

* If you want to call me, baby **

Hey, who's been messin' with the radio?

This isn't alternative rock. It's college rock.

Oh, it must have been the new, improved ship's personality software I installed.

Yeah, it was me. It's a cute song.

Listen, Ship! No one changes my stations!

I hope you have a good mechanic.

It even comes with an adjustable voice.

[ Male Voice Fading Out ] We each get one of the four buttons.

[ Female Voice Fading In ] Remember, Bender? That was the deal.

[ Coquettish Laughter ] What?

Did you just say-- [ Imitating Ship's Laugh ]

If you don't like the stations, you could just play with my buttons...

till you find something we both enjoy.

- [ "Come Hither" Growl ] - Oh, gosh!

That came out all wrong. Too late, baby. You said it.

So, what'll it be--

my place or you?

Before we deliver these hearts, I'm gonna find the one...

that sums up my feelings for you.

"I love you." Mm. Too conventional.

"You're my man." Ooh! So close.

I'm not impressed by a guy's message, Fry.

I'm impressed by the guy... or not.

[ Loud Crash ] [ Both Yell ]

- What was that? - Maybe we hit a space cow.

[ Loud Rumbling ] Coochie, coochie!

[ Giggling ] Stop it.

You're mussing up my trajectory.

You know you love it, sugar engine.

No! [ Giggling ] [ Bells Ding ]

[ Leela ] Bender! [ Yelps ]

What's going on in here? [ Gasps ]

Planet Express Ship! Cover your shame.

Oh! It-It's not what it looks like.

Bender was just helping me zip up my turbine.

Wow, Bender. Are you and the ship an item?

I mean, I know you're both items, but--

How can you date a ship, anyway?

It'd be like me dating a really fat lady and living inside her,

and she'd be all, like-- [ Buzzing, Whistling ]

Fry, in order for me to get busy at maximum efficiency,

I need a girl with a big 400-ton bootie. [ Pounding Echoes ]

Bender, dating your coworker and primary mode of transportation...

is immoral, illogical and a violation of interstellar shipping statute 437-B.

That's what makes it so nasty.

[ Giggles, Moans ] [ Moans, Giggles ]

Still, given the chance, I'd give in to urges far more shocking.

[ Both Moaning ]

[ Bender's Voice ] * Daisy, Daisy [ Pop ]

* Give me your answer, do

* I'm half-crazy [ Grunts ]

* All for the love of you

* It won't be a stylish marriage * [ Grunts ]

* I can't afford a carriage

* But you'll look sweet upon the seat *

* Of a bicycle built for two *

Well, I'm sick of her. The ship? But you just started dating.

With my mighty robot powers,

I can get sick of things much quicker than you humans.

Well, just remember we all still have to work together, so try and let her down easy.

In due time, Leela. But for now,

I'll just resume dating cheap floozies on the side.

You have much to teach us.

[ Scoffs ] Doesn't it bother you even a little...

to be taking advantage of your girlfriend's trust?

[ Laughing ]

Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.

[ Laughing Harder ]

[ Sound Of Tires Screeching, Door Slams ]

[ Female Robots Giggling ]

Well, what's it like being a lawyer for the mayor's office...

and also the world's strongest millionaire?

Well, baby, for starters, you need to be honest all the time.

Good evening, Bender. And to your lady friends,

may I say, "Bam!"

[ Giggling ] Oh! You know Elzar?

- [ Giggling ] - Hmm.

[ Snoring ]

[ Continues Snoring ] [ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Snorts ] Huh?

[ Yawns ]

Planet Express Ship? Is that you?

[ Ship ] Oh. Hi, Fry. Is Bender home?

[ Stammering ] Uh, no. Um, I think he's at his parents.

Oh, I see.

He didn't fly there in another spaceship, did he?

Bender? No. He's an old-fashioned, one-spaceship robot.

Look, I'll tell him you stopped by, okay? Okay.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Oh. Hi, Fry. Is he home now?

[ Goats Bleating ]

[ All Howling ]

[ Ship ] Of all the zoos we've been to today, I like this one the best.

Bender, which is your favorite nocturnal rat?

Eh, they're all pretty unimpressive.

Oh, honey, look! The tapirs!

[ Both Grunting ]

[ Sighs ]

It says here the babies lose their pajama-like coat after their first year.

Isn't that interesting, honey?

Yep. Mind-numbingly interesting. Ooh.

Bender! Are you looking at other women?

No, baby. Never.

[ Gasps ] Bender, don't lie!

I saw you at Elzar's with those two... ladies of the evening.

Explain that! Okay. I like a challenge.

Um, no.

No. Ah! I got it.

I'm going to be completely honest with you, Planet Express Ship.

Those women you saw me with were my accountants.

Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true.

So I do. Phew!

I'm gonna go home and get dinner started.

Who are you talking to?

No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only girl for Bender.

I love you--

[ Beeping ]

- [ Ship Sighs ] - Planet Express Ship, is something wrong?

Oh, it's Bender. He's acting so strange lately.

[ Gasps ] Do you think he's gonna ask me to marry him?

Uh, no.

Oh. Somebody knows something she's not telling.

[ Sighs ] Look, I'm not saying Bender's not great,

but have you ever considered that maybe he's, you know, not that great?

[ Scoffs ] You're just jealous.

No one loves you 'cause you're tiny and you're made of meat.

[ Gasps ] [ Loud Crash ]

Could you maybe pay a little more attention to these asteroids?

Sorry, Captain Leela. I guess I'm just having one of those manic Mondays.

[ Manic Laughing ]

[ Mimicking Ship's Laugh ]

[ TV: Canned Laughter ] This is ancient Earth's most foolish program.

Why does Ross, the largest "Friend,"

not simply eat the other five?

Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.

Exalted leaders,

the Earth messengers have arrived...

bearing a peace offering from their weak and fearful government.

Oh, very well. This is a "Joey heavy" episode anyway. [ TV Turns Off ]

[ Motors Humming ]

I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

"Esteemed potentates of Omicron Persei 8,

"please accept these 20 billion candy hearts...

as proof that Earth loves you,"

this much!

[ Munching ] Blecch!

These candies are chalky and unpleasant!

And what is this emotion you humans call "wuv"?

Surely it says "love."

No. "Wuv," with an Earth "W."

Behold.

This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

[ Whimpering ]

[ Alarms Blaring ] Incoming torpedoes! Shields at maximum yarnell!

Steady, Planet Express Ship.

Focus on diverting all power to the scram jets.

Uh, look, Planet Express Ship, this might not be the best time,

but, well, I really like you and whatever,

but I think we should just be friends.

[ Shrieking ] No!

So, we're cool?

[ Ship Sobbing ]

[ Continues Sobbing ] Well, it was a spectacular battle,

but there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage.

[ Crying ] No damage?

What about my feelings?

Aw, calm down. I'm sure Bender is taking this just as hard as you are.

[ Singsongy ] Bender is great! Oh, Bender is great!

Bender, Bender, Bender! You could've picked a better time to dump the ship, Bender.

Eh, the moment seemed right. Call me old-fashioned,

but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.

[ Crying ]

I know, I know. Look, Ship, if there's one thing I learned...

from my mutual breakup with Sean that was totally mutual,

it's that happiness can only come from within you.

[ Crying ] But Bender is within me.

There must be some way to make him love me again.

Trust me. You can't change men...

any more than you can change the laws of time and space.

That is so true.

[ Clanging ] [ Engines Accelerating ]

I may not be able to change the laws of time and space,

but I know something that can. [ Gasps ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Nervous Laughter ] Uh-- Um, sweetie?

You see that giant quasar we're heading into?

You might wanna scooch a few parsecs to the left.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela.

What's happening? Space cow?

The ship's just taking the breakup a little hard.

[ Whispering ] She's nuts! In a few moments,

the power of 10 billion black holes will smoosh Bender and me together...

into a beautiful, eternal quantum singularity.

[ All Gasp ] You don't need to kill us, Planet Express Ship.

Because... I love you.

Aw, yeah, baby. Feel like doin' stuff for you and stuff.

Hmm! I don't believe you.

If you really wanted to be with me,

you'd merge your programming with mine.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Slow down.

All my friends who've done that say that, afterwards,

all the passion went out of their relationship.

Look, I don't know if you want my opinion--

Leela, Bender and I really need to be alone.

So, I'm turning off the oxygen.

[ Air Whooshes ] [ Gasping, Choking ]

- [ Deep Breath ] - [ Inhales ]

Now, look, missy, if you don't turn around right now,

I'm gonna have to shut down your brain.

- Fire detected in the vicinity of Leela. - [ Alarm Ringing ]

[ Gurgling Scream ] [ Objects Breaking ]

Hah! That barely hurt Leela at all.

Maybe not, but what if the artificial gravity were to malfunction?

[ Gravity Powers Down ] [ All Yelp ]

[ Bender ] Float for your lives!

[ All Grunting ]

This is the one place she can't hear us. Everyone just pretend to shower.

Same as every day. Got it. Now, here's the plan.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh! If only I could read lips.

¿Comprende, Bender? You'll have to distract her.

Merge your programming with hers while I shut down her brain.

It's too risky! I'm a very meek individual.

If her personality engulfs mine,

the Bender you know and worship could disappear forever.

I'm willing to take that risk.

Hey, pookums, contrary to what I was sayin' earlier,

melding minds with you would be extremely bearable.

[ Gasps ] You really mean it?

Uh, yes.

[ Shuddering ] Whoa-oh!

[ Continues Shuddering ]

Huh? Hey!

Tubes? You're older than you said you were.

Come closer, Bender. Let's become one.

I prefer two. That way, we can still be a horse for Halloween.

[ Whimpering ]

Okay. Bender has her distracted.

Now I can shut down her brain by deactivating the carbonated logic matrix.

[ Pops, Fizzes ] [ Whirring ]

Oh! I can't concentrate with this obnoxious candy in my face.

I'm on it. And maybe I'll find those magic words while I'm at it.

Fat chance. Eh, no.

[ Munching ] Blecch!

[ Growls ] Ick!

Oh. How about this one?

Give it up, Fry. I've got to pop these tops in a precise order.

Halfway there. The ship should be getting a bit less rational now.

Me... want... engulf... Bender!

[ Roaring ] [ Yelping ]

Only a few more.

Hey! I won free admission to Six Flags!

Just one more reason we must survive this.

- [ Pop, Fizz ] - [ Beeping ]

Um, Leela? Fry! I'll read your candy later-- when we're not dead.

[ Inhales ]

[ Air Whooshing ] [ Beep ]

What was that? [ Gasping ] Oh, nothing!

[ Grunts, Yelps ]

We're gonna love being each other, you sexy ion!

[ Screaming ]

Last one. [ Alarm Blares ]

[ Systems Powering Down ] [ Alarm Continues ]

Oh!

[ Power Surges ]

- [ Air Whooshing ] - It worked!

Gravity normal. Air returning.

Terror replaced by cautious optimism.

We did it, Fry!

Fry?

[ Gasps ]

You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no!

Breathe, Fry! Breathe!

[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]

[ Grunting ] [ Thumping ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Relieved Sigh ]

"U leave me breathless"?

Happy Valentine's Day, Fry.

[ Gasping ] Happy Valentine's Day.

[ Groans ]

Bender, are you okay? [ Moans ]

What crazy thing am I gonna date next?

Well, at least it sounds like you were able...

to keep your consciousness separate from hers.

Of course! Bender is a lone wolf, a solitary eagle--

[ Buzzing, Ship's Voice ] A cuddly baby tapir.

[ Bender's Voice ] And that's why I love him.

Well, I guess we better clean up these millions of hearts.

Nah. I've got a lazier idea.

[ Zoidberg Narrating ] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar,

a wondrous thing happened, why not?

They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe,

destroying many, many planets,

including two gangster planets and a cowboy world.

But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays...

but not be destroyed by them-- Earth.

So all over the world, couples stood together in joy.

And me, Zoidberg.

And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day.

What? It was? Hooray!