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[reporter] The battalion, calling themselves

the Sons of Themyscira,

violently crossed the border into Pokolistan.

The Sons are said to be working at the behest

of the rogue Amazonian and reputed sorceress, Circe.

Circe claims to be the rightful heir to the throne

of the perhaps mythical, perhaps real,

all-female island nation of Themyscira.

Inside sources claim Circe has promised the Sons

that once the downfall of Pokolistan is achieved,

she will lead them to conquer Themyscira.

I mean, seriously, Themyscira is the sickest place ever.

And then you tell me,

"Oh, dude, only women can live there"?

[chuckles] What? They're so sexist, bro.

Word is they have the most incredible waterfalls.

I have this question

for all the woke feminists out there,

why do only girls get such cool waterfalls?

All over the world,

our rights as men are being denigrated.

- [switches off TV] - What a bunch of clowns.

Dangerous clowns.

Pokolistan is a friend of the US.

Countries don't have friends

After your decades in the military, General Flag,

I think you'd understand that true friendship

is built on petroleum deposits.

Especially unmined ones in a backward-ass country

that's never taken advantage of their natural resources.

Princess Ilana Rostovic,

the heir apparent to Pokolistan,

is already negotiating with the US for that oil.

And if she's overthrown

by some nutjob in a witch's hat,

all bets are off.

We need to help Rostovic.

I thought Congress put a stop to all Task Force X activities

since your daughter outed you.

[Waller] Technically, Congress said

A.R.G.U.S. can't use incarcerated human beings

as mission operatives any longer.

But what about beings that aren't human?

[door unlocks]

Huh?

What in the holy hell?

[Waller] This is the Belle Reve

Non-Human Internment Division.

For over 50 years,

only those at the uppermost levels

of security clearance are aware of its existence.

By using these prisoners,

I think we can arguably circumvent

our new restrictions.

Arguably? How?

Congress said we can't use human prisoners.

These assholes aren't human.

She's not human?

[Waller] Is a corpse human?

[sighs]

- Who is she? - We don't know.

We call her The Bride.

Who's Jason and the Argonauts?

[Waller] A sociopath

who calls himself Dr. Phosphorus.

He has irradiated skin he can use

to burn through people and objects.

Well, how does that radiation affect the people around him?

If you don't sleep in the same room with him,

the effects should be minimal.

- Minimal? - Consider it a free vasectomy.

[choking]

[Flag] What is that thing?

[Waller] The Weasel.

It's one of the few soldiers still alive

from Project Starfish in Corto Maltese.

So we know it has what it takes to survive.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to intimate anything

about your son, Flag.

When he died in Corto Maltese, he died a hero.

That one looks like a discontinued dishwasher.

[Waller] That dishwasher killed over 300 Nazis

in World War II.

I would have dismantled it,

but I thought it might come in use someday.

It's known as G.I. Robot.

Last one is Nina Mazursky.

What use is she walking around in a fishbowl?

Get her in water it's a different story.

She's the smartest

and most reasonable of the bunch.

She might be able to help you keep the rest of them in line.

[alarm blaring]

- [screams] - [snarls]

[growls]

[all groaning]

[all thud]

This is your new task force, Flag.

Let's call it Task Force M.

M for monster.

Also known as...

[theme music playing]

There's an Osprey waiting

to take you directly to the castle

to protect Princess Rostovic from Circe and her forces.

[door opens and closes]

I know you all aren't exactly enthusiastic

about this mission.

- But-- - [groans]

General, I believe you've read us wrong.

We're delighted to be here

and delighted to serve our country.

Okay. Uh, great.

- Are you smiling? - Yes.

- Sarcastically? - Mmm-hmm.

[chitters]

G.I. Robot is detecting unease.

Could he be, G.I. Robot asks,

in fear of being discovered as Nazi scum?

No. Put your arm... Your gun down.

He's not a Nazi.

Child killer, though. Not a great look.

Supposedly, he had a bad experience

the last trip he took on this Osprey, that's all.

Are we in goddamn Pokolistan?

You've been here before?

[groans] Fucking hell.

["My Gypsy Auto Pilot" playing]

♪ I came back To my hometown incognito ♪

♪ To forget about it all ♪

- ♪ Suddenly I heard - [chorus] ♪ Hey there papito ♪

♪ You don't ever give a call ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Remember we used to Skip school together ♪

♪ Said to me drunk girl Police man... ♪

Looks like the Princess has imported security.

♪ I've been skipping school Since then, yeah... ♪

[Weasel grunting]

Calm down. We'll be there soon.

Oh, my God, is he pissing?

He's pissing!

You son of a bitch!

Gah! It's on my leg!

Look at the satisfied look on his face.

No one thought to take him out for a walk

after a long trip?

You better not be looking at me right now.

♪ And the key To my gypsy auto pilot ♪

♪ And my story to tell, hey! ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ And we laugh ♪

♪ And we cry ♪

♪ And then we said "Okay, What's next?" ♪

♪ But to uncover Rules of life ♪

♪ And how to break them well ♪

♪ And the key to your gonzo Turbo gypsy auto pilot ♪

♪ And your story to tell ♪

♪ Story to tell ♪

Looks like the gene pool was above ground

and inflatable, if you know what I mean.

[chuckles] Yeah.

I wonder what this princess is going to look like...

Oh.

[scoffs]

[Ilana] Richard Bill Flag, Sr.

So wonderful to be meeting you.

Yes, you too.

- Your middle name is Bill? - Yes.

- Not, like, William? - No.

- Whose middle name is Bill? - Mine! Okay?

Princess Rostovic,

it's an honor.

This is not the kind of bow

we do in Pokolistan, Mr. Richard Flag.

So, unfortunately,

- we have to kill you. - What?

- Alexi. - I am sorry.

We must only do sacred, customary bow in this castle.

Everyone, murder this man.

What? Hold on a minute.

No one briefed me on what kind of bow...

[laughs]

[all laughing]

Alexi. [chuckles]

They're... How do you say it?

Messing on you?

I am making joke! [laughs]

For a minute, I think

you're going to make mess in your pants, huh?

[laughs]

I was never gonna--

Very close to messing his plans.

I wasn't even in the vicinity of doing that.

We are so much like Americans, yes?

Ooh, we pull pranks like Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

We do the Super Bowl shovel!

We like to say "Wazzup?"

Well, you're certainly current

with your popular cultural references.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Sarcastic smile.

Now, I have question for you, Skeleton.

Where's the beef?

[laughs]

Clara Peller, one of the greats--

Enough, Alexi.

We've prepared a banquet for you,

our honored guests.

[Weasel chitters softly]

[Weasel chomping]

They've been living on prison grub

for quite some time.

Forgive their manners, Your Highness.

Just Ilana's fine.

We don't stand on ceremony here.

Oh, okay.

Then... Sure.

You've sampled this prison grub?

[chuckles] Just seeing it is enough

to give me the collywobbles, Your High--

Ilana.

[laughs] Their manners do not bother me.

I love seeing friends enjoying themselves.

[woman groaning]

[Ilana] That is the Queen.

Poor, sweet mother.

She has not been self for some long time now.

- [groans] - Yes, Mother. Of course.

She says she's pleased you're here.

Oh.

You see why I'm taking care of Pokolistan's affairs?

Even though it won't quite be official until...

You know.

[Queen groans]

You're welcome, Mother.

I love you, too.

- G.I. Robot? - Yes, Miss Nina.

Would you like anything? Diesel?

Some diesel fuel, please, for our robot friend.

Yes, madam. Right away, madam.

[Ilana chuckles]

Mmm. It is a beautiful evening, isn't it?

I do not enjoy landscapes devoid of dead Nazis,

- Miss Nina. - Oh.

Can Miss Nina and G.I. Robot be killing Nazis soon?

Miss Waller promised it would be soon.

It's been oh so long since G.I. Robot

has sent Nazis back to hell where they belong.

I think you will be, soon.

G.I. Robot would like to kill Nazis with you.

Would you like to kill Nazis with G.I. Robot?

If I killed Nazis with anyone, it would certainly be you,

G.I. Robot.

Oh, my.

G.I. Robot has been waiting

for a friend to kill Nazis with

for 74 years, 23 days and 52 minutes.

I hope we aren't too much of an intrusion.

Our only goal here is to keep you safe, Ilana.

I'm happy to have the company.

Even that one?

[laughs]

Why was he in prison?

Uh, supposedly murdered

- twenty-seven children. - Oh.

He hasn't shown

any violent tendencies since then,

so I wouldn't fret.

I also wouldn't invite the school choir

to the castle while he's here.

[laughs]

Oh, no, I like American music.

Rock and roll!

[both laughing]

But, yes, I am happy for the company,

especially the company of Americans.

My country is a charming one, but it is backwards,

always rejecting progress as corrupt.

It is my most cherished dream

to lead my people into the 21st century.

Well, I've been there.

I'm not sure I'd recommend it.

Are you married, Richard Flag?

No. No.

I was once, but my wife ended up being

my least favorite aspect of that 21st century

you're all gung ho about.

I will avoid that part of the 21st century then.

[chuckles] Well, sometimes,

missteps lead you where you need to be.

She and I had a son when we were just 18.

Fine young man.

I joined the military mostly just to make money

so I could support him.

Eighteen years later, he joined the military

because he loved our country

and he wanted to make it a better place.

Yeah. Boy was an improvement on me in every way.

Was?

He passed on about two years back.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I would have liked to introduce

the two of you. [chuckles]

I have a feeling you would have gotten on like a house on fire.

[chuckles] A house on fire does not seem good.

No, it's...

It's supposed to be a good thing.

I'm sure your son was a fine man,

but I'm much more fond of older men.

I'd like to show you something.

This armoire is beautiful, no?

Um, sure.

It is over 500 years old.

What is it you wanted to show me, Ilana?

[chuckles]

Just this wonderful armoire.

That's not an armoire.

- Listen, Ilana... - Yes?

I just... I don't think this is exactly ethical.

I'm here to protect you.

[Ilana] To protect me from loneliness?

No, I...

From lack of passion?

No, I...

From Pokolistani men who have never seen the world,

have no clue how to treat a woman,

and who can't see me as a human being I am

behind the veil of royalty?

Closer, but still no.

Look, I think we need to get some shut-eye

so we can put a cogent plan in place in the morning.

[sighs]

I'll leave G.I. Robot to guard the door.

Richard.

- [G.I. Robot] In June 1944... - [snoring]

...38 dead Nazis.

In September of 1944,

I fought at the Battle of Huertgen Forest.

A whopping 92 dead Nazis.

In October of 1944, at the Battle of Aachen,

I ended the lives of 14 Nazis...

[window creaks]

Bride?

- Bride. - How did you get down here?

I walked down the stairs.

No one tried to stop you?

We're here to protect them.

- Why would they stop me? - [grumbles]

Hey, you can't leave.

[Bride] Why not?

Well, Flag will use the remote to shock you,

and then we all get shocked.

Seems like a flaw in the system to me

to get shocked even when I didn't do anything wrong.

That was the worst feeling ever.

Grow a pair, Fish.

A pair of what? Wait, where are you going?

- [Bride] Open the door. - [Nina] Oh, my God.

[guard] I do not have you in the schedule.

He doesn't have us in the schedule.

I don't need a schedule, Sir, Douche A Lot.

I'm not your prisoner, so open the freaking door.

[hesitates]

[Nina] Bride, please, come on, stay.

Oh, darn it!

- Do you have any money? - [Nina whimpers]

- Pardon? - [Bride] Money.

Cough up some cash.

I don't have any freaking rubles on me.

How am I supposed to get around?

Our money is not called ruble.

Yeah, I know. It was meant to be insulting.

Just give me some cash.

Hey!

Thank you. She means to say thank you.

[Bride] No, I don't mean anything of the sort!

[Nina] You asked him for money, and he just gave it to you.

- That's right. - [Nina] It was rude.

Yeah, that's right.

[Nina] We shouldn't leave.

Look, no one is forcing you to come.

[speaking other language]

...Frankenstein.

[speaking other language]

[in English] Never mind what's on her head.

Just go to the address I told you

[man coughing]

[snoring]

[drawer opens]

Ah-ha.

[laughs]

[footsteps approaching]

Uh...

- Hey. - [Flag grunts]

[grunts]

[laughs wickedly]

[man singing in other language]

[gasps]

Oh! Fuck me!

[screams]

[laughs wickedly]

[floorboard cracks]

Huh.

[all screaming]

[man singing in other language]

[winces]

[Dr. Phosphorous laughs wickedly]

[groans]

- No, please, no! - Richard?

Phosphorus, you idiot!

You think Waller would give me the only remote?

You'd be hopping around

like a Mexican jumping bean for days, if you escaped.

Or, If I told her about this...

I'm not here to torture you.

We're supposed to be on the same damn team.

[Nina] Thank you.

[Nina gasps]

What is this place?

Where I was born.

- [phone dialing] - [line ringing]

[women giggling]

[cell phone buzzing]

Yes.

[speaking other language]

[speaking other language]

[woman speaking]

[in English] My bride.

After all these years,

I've found you.

[closing theme music playing]

[man singing in other language]

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