Original subtitles

Lock down Ireland and New York.

And here, in the UK, we have shut down a few things

but should the UK be considering a national lockdown?

Here's a little song while you think.

- ♪ I can't recall the first time... ♪

Can't believe the karaoke place has shut down.

I love karaoke.

I'm allowed to be sad, Aine.

Yeah, I know it's serious.

- They shut down all the... - I know the Irish airports are shutdown.

It's still my hen.

- I am actually devastated

that the cock-sucking class I booked got canceled

'cause that was so you.

Ow! Shona, stop it.

- Oh, I even hurt my hand. - Good!

Good! Good that it hurt your hand.

- My friend just canceled her whole wedding next month

because her mum has asthma.

It's too dangerous. - Seema!

- Why would you say that? - Read the room.

- My wedding is in less than two months.

- Sorry, sweetheart. Facts though.

Do you think it's too early for breakfast Prosecco?

To add to the orange juice.

- No, sure. It's all paid for. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, exactly, yeah. Definitely.

Is she okay? 10:30 in the morning.

- Not really. Vish, um...

He's not supposed to tell me this, so don't tell her I told you.

Actually, she'll probably tell us later.

She's mad pissed because

she found out her husband spent 250 quid in a lap-dancing club.

She only found out...

She only found out when she read the bank statements.

- Oh, my God!

Well, at least, so he paid the hard-working woman

above the living wage.

Because it's actually very vulnerable

to do a sexy dance for someone, you know?

- What?

Here we go.

Oh, there she is!

Look at all that pineapple for one woman.

Are you ladies the hen?

- Uh, yes, I think, madam, that it is safe to assume

that we are the hen. LOL.

Ah! Shona!

- It's fun. - It's two of us now.

- Don't put it on! - You said you wanted fun!

- Look at our nails, Mammy. - Ooh.

- Got my pedi.

It's almost like you're here, Mammy.

There's Seema.

- Hiya!

Oh, hi, Seema.

She looks drunk.

Oh, and the Irish government is locking me up.

Not even giving me the chance to go out and die,

never mind live.

- Yeah, you're over 70, Mammy.

- "Over 70," it's insulting.

But, look... I have survived a war.

So this is nothing...

- What war did you survive?

- The Vietnam War.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot you were in 'Nam, Mam.

- Oh, but, now, how is my investment doing?

- Uh...

- Oh, she got in trouble with her boss for sleeping with one of the parents.

- So not so good. - Oh, no.

- Shona, that's not funny.

James still isn't talking to me. - It happened.

- Yeah, but it's not funny though. So don't make jokes.

- "Oh, what a web we weave."

- "When first we begin to deceive." Yeah, I know the poem, Mammy.

- Yeah, well, you should never lie.

You'll always get caught out.

- Yeah, the reception is bad, Mam.

I'll call you tomorrow. - What?

- Bye. I love you.

- See her aghast face?

- Shona, that's...

- "Don't put me back in the box."

Yeah, she said because her mother had asthma,

she had to cancel the whole wedding.

I mean, doesn't...

your, uh, uncle have asthma?

- Yeah, he did, before he died. Yeah.

- Oh, shit. I'm sorry, honey. I forg...

I forgot. When was that again?

I'm just messing with you. He's not dead.

But he does have asthma, yes.

Oh, you prick!

- Listen, worse case, we can just do it in the back garden.

- Yeah, that's what they all say when they don't want to get you pregnant.

Wa-wa. Nice one.

- Wa-waaaaa.

- Listen, uh, speaking of that, um,

remember when I told you that Gaya had adopted kids?

Gaya, your ex.

Yeah, she's a great person.

- Well, uh, I realize that...

you know, we've... we've never talked about that.

- Well, I mean, we... we have.

Having a baby, we...

Because I'm so old...

- Well, I refute that but, no, just...

You know, adoption.

Or is it just like a... a total blanket...

over kids, eh, so to speak?

- Yeah, I...

I mean, I just don't want anymore...

changes I... I suppose. I...

I... I don't know, honey.

It's my hen and, you know, I'm three sheets to the wind. I...

- Oh, Shona! - Get in here.

- Oh, I'm... I... I've got to go. - Anyway, I got to...

- Okay. Uh, well, hey, you know, don't fall in love with the stripper.

I don't think I could recover from the heartache.

- Okay, well, you know, I'll let him fuck me.

I just won't kiss him.

I love you.

- Yeah, love you.

Inside!

Come on, get in here!

♪ C'est La Vie by B-Witched playing on stereo ♪

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Yay! It's your hen!

- Oh, my!

Cocktails! - Barman, woo!

- Oh, my God, you got karaoke!

- Karaoke! - I love karaoke.

- That flu is not gonna stop karaoke.

Oh, my God! Look at my hair!

- And your crown, madam.

- I'm not wearin' that.

- ♪ And then I go and spoil it all ♪

♪ By saying something stupid like I love you ♪

- Aw. Yay!

- Your voice, Shona.

- ♪ I love you ♪

- Oh, don't. I get sad.

- ♪ I love... ♪

I do love you, I do love you.

- Are you having a nice night? - I love the night.

- I just wanted your hen... - It's so fun.

- On a scale of parties, Shona, it's...

- ♪ I love you ♪

- uh, professional.

Fuckin', I don't know, me on top?

- Doggy style.

- That's my brother, Jesus!

Ugh! - Oh, my God. Your kennel-loving brother.

- Hey, Sho.

I just want to say I'm really sorry I can't be there.

And I love you so much, you mad fucker.

Guys, would you just be quiet?

I'm trying to do a video message for my friend. Oh, my God!

Sorry, listen, I'm just gonna have to send this anyway even though it's shit.

I miss you lots. I love you.

Bye.

Aw.

- Me too.

- She hated you.

- Oh, my God. What a passive-aggressive bitch. Honestly.

"Oh, you're movin' to London now, are ya?

"I bet you'll have a lovely time there.

Oh, it will be really hard to find work."

Oh, will it, Louise?

Will it be hard to find work in London?

Oh, fuck off.

♪ She tells him your life ain't gonna be nothing like my life ♪

♪ You're gonna grow and have a good life ♪

♪ I'm gonna do what I've got to do ♪

♪ So rockabye baby... ♪

- I don't mind the strip club. I'm loose and fun.

I just don't want to feel like some, "Oh, don't tell her indoors" 1950s wife.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Also, one of those girls could have been your daughters.

- I mean, I don't have a daughter

and your daughter is six, so...

Shona, pull up your knickers.

The police are here.

- What do you mean, "The police are here"? What are you talking about?

I don't know what they want.

Oh, shit.

♪

- Fuck off!

A little secret. It's not real police. Oh, ho-ho.

- How are you, Mr. Officer? - No! Aine!

Go on, get in there.

You're under arrest.

- It's my worst... - You're under investigation.

- My worst nightmare.

Anything you say or do could be used against you.

- What is happening? Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. Really?

- Yes! - Really?

- Thank you. - You can thank my husband for that.

- Anytime. - Oh, that's so kind of you.

Now, again, as I said, don't put your hand on top of those.

It'll just squash, and they're so lovely. - Great.

- ♪ So the train of pain remains ♪

♪ And so everything stays the same ♪

- Do you think he wants to adopt?

- I don't know. It's for you guys to talk through.

- Jesus! I just... I just don't think

I've ever really asked him what he wants, you know?

Fuck!

He'd do anything for me, Seema, you know?

He could kill for me.

I think.

- Maybe you could have one kid, a really small one,

who could type and be handy?

- ♪ And the days become the night ♪

- Sorry if I was bitching...

♪ Sorry I was bitchy earlier about James ♪

And Richard...

- ♪ Thank you, sister ♪

- ♪ You got to fight for it, baby ♪

♪ One affair with a widower shouldn't ruin ♪

♪ Everything ♪

- She wasn't his wife, Shona.

She wasn't his wife.

I don't want to look.

- Please, Shona. Don't annoy me.

Just look, would you? - No.

- Beyoncé'd fucking look for Solange.

Come on. - Oh, my God!

I worry it could be cancer, Shona.

I truly do.

- It's not cancer.

It's a hemorrhoid. It's a hemorrhoid.

- You are... You are...

- Do you get enough fiber?

- It's private.

Oh, my God. It's fucking...

It's fucking huge.

What, are you trying to birth Gregg Wallace out of your bum hole?

- Mean sport, Shona.

- You should see a doctor.

- I can't.

I can't go and see a doctor and show my pickled asshole, Shona.

The NHS is already under enough stress as it is.

It wouldn't be fair on them.

♪

- Hi, Marcia. - Hello, my little friend, prince.

- Aine? - Yes.

I have a T-shirt to show you. It's so funny.

- Oh, funny is my buzzword, man.

Bring it down.

- You know, I was worried

about whether going to France would upset him too much... - Yeah.

- or... or that he wouldn't want to come back,

but he seems okay.

Oh, and, do you know, he's so excited to see you.

- Do you know what he's like? He's actually like my little pal.

Like I really, really missed him.

- Yeah. Um, listen. - Yeah?

- I think the reason I'm here tonight...

is because...

he's got a new girl on the go.

No lie. - Really?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I found a couple of hair pins in his room this week.

Hairs on the pillow.

- Pillow? God, that's, um...

Oh, my God. That's...

You'd make a good CSI detective, wouldn't you? Jesus!

- Don't tell him I said that.

Just between us downstairs staff.

- Come on there, Marcia,

we're hardly, um, Downton Abbey here, you know.

- No, I know, but I mean, the last one never even asked my name.

- Did she not? Oh, my God.

- Look.

- Ah, that is so original.

Oh, my God, let... Do you have your phone?

Oh, my God, we're getting a picture. Getting a picture.

Here we go. I'm... Oh-ho-ho-ho. - Hang on...

Etienne, I thought the T-shirt was just for me.

- Thought you went to the pub.

- Yeah, but it was a bit more of a sort of, um, member's bar thing.

But, yeah, pub-ish. Yeah. - Yeah!

- Hmm, he looks like a...

He looks like a model in one of them country catalogs, don't he?

- Yeah, very... It's very stylish.

- Uh, thanks, Marcia. I think.

Um...

- Well, I'm off, em, eh...

because I am going to the pub. - Ah.

- Uh, uh, yeah, just to see some friends, so...

- Near here or?

'Cause I've actually, uh, just ordered a taxi.

So I... I could give you a lift,

uh, if you wanted, to the... the pub.

- Oh, yeah. Great! Thank you.

That'll be handy. - Very well, great. I'll drop you off.

- Thanks, really, Richard. Yeah. - Great.

Uh... I'll, uh, just grab my coat. - Yes. Yeah.

- Okay. - Lovely. Okay.

Em... Oh, so handy.

Okay, well, you both have fun then.

- Yeah, okay. Um, yeah, see you soon.

Um, uh, bye, Etienne.

Bye, stupid.

- Oh, no, Etienne.

Don't call me stupid, I'll get all upset and sad.

Thanks for doing this, Jim. It'll be good to get the word out there.

Yeah, yeah. I... I... So... So, as she was saying...

- Gambling, tobacco companies.

Deforestation... - Um, deforestation.

And most people, um, and we mean most,

don't know that their money, their pensions, small and big,

are mostly directly invested in funding those things.

- Yeah. Yeah, it's mad.

- And... And the investment world pretend like there's nothing they can do about it.

But we... we don't believe that.

- Yeah, no, I get it, I get it. Okay.

'Cause your... your investments don't cost the earth, so... Get it.

- So, do you... do you have a pension, Jim?

I sure do.

- And do you know what it funds?

- I sure don't.

Do you have children?

- Three.

- Well, I can imagine that they'll care how it is invested,

if they've no world to inherit.

- Uh, now a side note,

just because, like, we wanna champion diversity at the magazine.

So are you... are you...

straight, Charlotte?

- Why...

I mean, what's that got to do with anything?

- Well, as I said, we... we... we wanna champion anyone outside the box,

you know, managing to make a go of it, especially in the city.

- Am I "A brown lesbian managing to make a go of it"?

- Um...

Funny.

- Do... Don't put that in...

- Oh, God, don't worry, girls. I know how to sell a good profile piece.

Well, uh, right, uh...

Um, oh. Yeah, probably need to warm you up a bit. Readers like smiles.

So, uh, tell each other a joke.

- Ugh. I don't know any. - Um...

What do you call Postman Pat on his holidays?

- What?

- Pat.

It's the only one I know.

- You know, you could have careers as models,

if this, you know, this doesn't work out.

- I don't know about that.

I, uh, still got sausage eyes from my hen do last night.

Small... Small hen do. I'm just gonna put these on.

- Thank you.

- Heya! Come here, big man.

Oh, fucking... How handsome are you? Christ!

No wonder you've no personality. There's just... There's no need for one.

- Look at you, William Wallace.

- Aahh. And this is... - This is Mark.

- Oh, hello! Hi. - Hi.

Sorry, you're gonna have to...

- Aine.

- Aine? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, unfortunately, I have no personality either,

'cause I'm so attractive.

So... sorry about that, it's gonna be a shit night.

- I'm just stuck here with two attractive dry shites.

Yeah. That's the deal.

Hey. - Oh, get a fucking room.

- Oh, no, we actually reserved this one. So would you mind fuckin' off?

- I fuckin' love Irish women.

Right. Shall we get fucked up on this overpriced menu?

- Babes, don't worry about the price

'cause I actually work as a tutor for a really wealthy guy.

So, I got this. Honestly, don't... It's on me. Let me.

- Hey, listen, um, tell me a little bit about this, um, boss guy of yours?

- Well... - 'Cause uh... I've

heard he's a real asshole.

- A massive asshole, you can see it from space!

You! No.

- I think the key thing to say is, even if you don't want to actively do good

but you just don't want to actively do harm.

- Girls, I'll... I will do my best to try to convince our readers

to give their money to a hungover Irish woman and a brown lesbian.

Your words. Don't worry. I'm on your side.

- Charlotte.

Charlotte, I'm sorry. I... I... I don't...

- They can write what they want, and I can handle it. I work in the city.

What I can't handle is... is you look right through me now,

when we speak, even... Even when we fought the other week.

This... this fakeness.

- What do you mean, "fakeness"?

- Have you ever felt like you're the part of someone's autobiography

where they learn from a situation, looking back,

but... but you're the casualty of them learning that lesson?

I feel like... that's what I am for you...

Was for you.

Made you realize that you love Vish or... or men or whatever.

But I am a real person who's in that story,

and I deserve to be seen and for you to bother to be upset about.

I am worth that. - I know you're worth it.

- You diminish me as a person by removing any care for me.

- I'm sorry.

Charlotte, I'm really sorry. I...

I just...

I'm just...

I'm just...

I'm just very fuckin' hungover.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm just...

I just... When you told me that you were falling for me...

- I knew... I knew it was that.

- No, um, maybe I'm a fuckin' psychopath.

But it was just this sudden weight of your feelings,

and... and... and Vish, and my love for him,

and our families, and our business, and fuckin'...

Jesus, what we're trying to build together here, and I just...

Ugh, I just thought it would be better for us to...

And for you as well, if... If it was just clean and cold.

- Fuck's sake, Shona, that is a teenage boy's logic.

- Yeah, maybe.

But, then, you know, when you tell me about your head stuff,

I just think, with Aine and... - Ouch!

- No, I don't mean it like that.

I feel... embarrassed even saying that out loud,

but I just didn't think I could be there for you too.

Okay? Not properly.

She just needs me so much.

- No. No. You need her to need you.

May as well put your stupid Irish face on the cover of Co-Dependents Anonymous.

- Well, wouldn't be very fuckin' anonymous then, would it?

- I've spent the last four months talking to my therapist about you.

- Go on then.

- She said to avoid you and any other women in the closet.

- Well, I'm not...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you always said. - I mean, I hope that you would've seen...

- Well, yeah, you did a good enough job.

Not like you have...

What was it you said that time?

- "Panic eating a melting ice cream."

God, I hope this Jim fucker doesn't come back in.

Could you imagine this for "women in business"?

- But she, you know... - I fuckin loved...

- She talks about, like, em, democracy,

and how, like, politicians have to go on TV

because that's how they talk to us. - Yeah.

- Like the people they represent. - Well, that's... Yes, part of their job.

- We gotta question them, you know? - Part of their job, yeah.

- We gotta see if they're telling

the truth. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's this?

- It's, em, a podcast episode, the...

- It's the Desert Island, um... - It's, um...

- But we can't remember. - Yeah, can't remember her name.

- It's... But it's her... Uh, it's her Desert Island Discs interview.

- I think they might be shutting up.

- A dome... - She dedicates that song to her kid.

- I think they might be closing up.

- My heart nearly fell out of my chest.

'Cause I also... I grew up with a single-mother family, you know?

- Sorry. What, em, did your... Did your dad... did he die or...

- Yeah.

Em, did you say they were closing up?

- Mm, yes. - What, it's closing time?

- Time to go. - Noooo.

- Who're you texting?

- She's fun, man. - Who are you texting?

She's fun, man. It's good to see you laughin'.

- Well, she's also very sweet too.

She's amazing.

Oh, she bloody talks a lot though.

- Ah, says the one-man chat show.

- Yeah, that's different though, isn't it?

I mean, we haven't seen each other in a long time.

You know, I didn't expect her to come in and do a fuckin' show.

- I... I thought that at first, but she... she calms down.

Hey, I'm not being shady or anything.

She kept me on my toes, all good.

You know, you just don't wanna end up with some messy bitch who lives for drama.

- Oh, come on, mate.

- No, no, it's just, uh, it's like... It's a phrase.

She's... Listen, she's fun. I like her.

I'm only saying this because you're like a brother to me.

And you're also now a fuckin' legend to me

because you're banging your son's teacher.

That's the fantasy, pal.

- Heya. - Ah, we thought you

got flushed down the toilet.

No. This place is so fancy,

it just took me ages to, you know, get all the free soaps and bits in my bag.

- Oh, yeah. Get what you can from these places, that's what I say.

Hey, my love, it's been an absolute pleasure. - Oh... You too.

You know, we should do this again sometime.

- Oh, yeah. That'd be so nice.

- Yeah, I'm gonna be back in London

in about a month or so.

- Mm.

- You know, if this cough thing doesn't get me.

He was so fun.

Yeah.

I have to let you go, don't I?

- What?

- Oh.

You said you were tired with Etienne back and

everything. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's... Yeah.

- Oh, my God.

She's run out of words.

- What? No.

No, they're all still in there. Just, um...

You don't get to hear them right now, so...

- Okay. - Yeah.

Can I have... Can I have one word?

- One word? - Yeah.

- Banana.

- That's a good word.

You okay? - Mm-hmm.

- Sure? - Yeah.

- Okay.

♪

Hello, I'm Lauren Laverne,

and this is the Desert Island Discs podcast.

My castaway this week is Dorothy Byrne,

the trailblazing, award-winning, grandam of television journalism.

She spent...

politicians not telling the truth

is not some eccentric view of my own.

It's one shared by the British people. It was really depressing...

Grenfell.

Poor families.

- Hmm.

No justice for any of 'em.

Not bloody fair this life, eh?

- It's awful.

For a long period, just one piece of music

which would keep her quiet.

I hated it, but it would definitely remind me of her.

- ♪ Round and round Round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

♪ All through the town ♪

♪

♪ The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish ♪

♪ Swish, swish, swish Swish, swish, swish ♪

♪ The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish ♪

♪ All through the town ♪

♪

♪ The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep ♪

♪ Beep, beep, beep Beep, beep, beep ♪

♪ The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep ♪

♪ All through the town ♪

♪