Original subtitles

�1 - You know, I do, I do want to get better.

- So, you-- you'll be starting tomorrow, but the father wants to meet you first.

- Hi. - Hi.

It's actually my, uh, son that-- who needs tutoring.

- Hello, Etienne.

RICHARD: His mother died recently.

- What about you and children, Vish?

- I want what Shona wants.

- I want to set up a kind of client networking event.

- What would you want me to do? - Just set it up with me.

- Change the world, baby. - Okay!

- Can't a woman not bake a cake for a gentleman friend?

VISH: I love you, Shona,

and I would like for the two of us to spend our lives together.

AINE: Hey, do you wanna... do you wanna hear a joke?

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the light bulb has to really want to change.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

SHONA: [sighs] I'm already relaxed.

Do you want some water?

- This is actually not as hot as the reviews say. It's quite nice.

- Yeah. - Lovely.

- My hairdresser said it cleared up her acne

for a week. - Oh, my God. Brilliant.

It's a bit like, um, a confession booth, but less creepy.

- Yeah. - "Give us all your bad thoughts there now,

and I'll look after them for ya." [laughs]

I suppose that's what therapy is, really.

Oh, my God. Priests were the original free therapists for people.

Oh, people. God love people.

God love people. - Oh, I meant to tell you.

Thinking about getting a fringe. - What? Why? You okay?

Are you unhappy about moving in?

- Aine, we're getting married in two months.

Don't be stupid. - Okay, and you're happy?

- Why're you asking me that?

Yes, I'm happy!

Just fancy the fringe.

[exhales]

I was actually just thinking how lucky I am

to be with Vish. - Oh.

- Yeah, and moving in proves--

- Proves what to who? Judge Judy?

- I didn't say proves. I-- - You did!

- I meant "shows." Like...

you know, you have to show, in, in life, and--

Can you stop interrupting me? - You interrupt me all the time.

- Shut up. You have to show in life,

if you're, you know, if you're either in or you're out,

and I'm, I'm out. In. I'm in.

I'm in.

- [gasps] Do I get keys for Vish's?

- Huh, yeah. 'Course. I mean, it's his house, but--

Yeah, I mean, it's your home, too. - Oh, did he say that?

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Well, no, but that's what he thinks.

- I mean, I'll hardly be there, 'cause it's so far out of London.

- It's 20 minutes on the Overground.

And there's heated flooring. - [sighs] Twenty minutes.

God, that'll take me ages. [laughs]

Do you really need help packing tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

I literally do everything for you.

AINE: Oh, God, I was joking. SHONA: You only have to ask--

AINE: And I've got my big date with Richard tomorrow, so-- SHONA: Oh, God.

Mmm-- - No, I don't want your opinion.

I'm really excited about it. So don't. Shut up.

Ooh. - [sighs] I can feel it now. It's--

- Yeah. It's just a little hot. - Hot.

- It's grand though. It's nice. - Yeah. Yeah.

AINE: God, I look like a fuckin' pig.

Ugh. - Just keep your face up to the lights.

It's antibacterial. - Oh, yeah.

SHONA: I hate my skin. It's disgusting.

- I wish we were Spanish.

Ow! - Oh, sorry. My toe just went in your gash.

- Oh, God. - Sorry. Hang on.

- Oh, pfft.

BOTH: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Hail Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

- Okay. That's the time. - Time.

[Shona slurps] AINE: Oh, my God. You slurp so loudly.

Just look-- look how quietly I can drink. - Shh!

- You see?

Oh... Oh...

It's like some kind of Nazi experiment.

- Just keep going. [Aine groans]

SHONA: Give it to me now. Give it to me. [groans, gulps]

Give it to me!

[laughs, sighs]

Just one minute left.

I'm dying. Aine. - What?

Aah! Aah. Shona. [cries]

Oh! Oh, God. - Oh, thank fuck for that.

[both groaning]

Open the--

Oh! ♪ pop music playing ♪

AINE: You don't understand. It is not weird

I am going to say goodbye to Etienne at the station, Shona.

- Can you just go easy on that?

It's forty quid a bottle. - Please, sir, can I have some more?

It's cooling my face, and we look like a pair of clowns.

And anyways, he asked me to go to the station to say goodbye.

It's the first time he's going back to France since his mother died,

so I'm actually being a good person.

- Oh, such a good person you're gonna sleep with his dad

as soon as he gets on the train. - No.

Going to at least wait until he crosses over into France. Ha, ha.

- Can you just dab it lightly?

- I'm dabbing lightly.

You know what? It'd be nice to be in bed

with someone at night other than my pile of shit boyfriend.

- What pile of shit boyfriend? Freddie?

- No. Freddie. No. Just, like, the pile of shit.

There's a pile of shit on the other side of my bed.

Like a laptop, hairbrushes, a belt. I don't know.

And it's all rolled like a sausage roll,

into the place where a person should be.

And I actually... I actually can't take it anymore.

- Just clear it off your bed.

- It'd be nice to have a reason to clear it off.

It's not that easy. - Oh. I just hate sad men,

using their sadness, like their dead wives.

- She wasn't his wife. She was the woman that he got pregnant... - To manipulate women.

- that he barely spoke to-- - You know, we all fall for it. Men love young models.

Women love old, sad men. It's so stupid.

- Thank you for calling me a young model.

- Look at my nose. - Look at my actual whole face.

- Okay, I gotta go. - Ooh! Me, too. Yes, okay. Um...

Thanks for the sauna. I love you. Bye! - Love you.

- You!

♪ funk music playing ♪

- Whoo!

Hi!

- Did you burn your face? RICHARD: Did you run here?

- Oh, no. It's... Oh, no. I, um,

no, I was in a sauna with my sister.

Which is not half as, um, "hot sisters" as it sounds.

So... [laughs] - Oh. That's okay. I'm, uh, more into cousins.

Um... [clears throat] Désolé, uh, this is Aine.

This is Roman, who is, uh, Etienne's chaperone for the trip. - Bonjour, ma'am.

- Désolé. Get Rosetta Stone over here.

[laughs] Um, and,

please look after him. He's very precious to us.

- I'm not a baby. I can have gone on my own.

- But then you would have looked like a sad little Harry Potter

on the train on your own. So... [laughs]

- Well, you want to say goodbye to your parents?

- Oh, I'm, I'm not his-- RICHARD: She's not--

[speaking French]

- Oh, désolé.

- Yes. So, um...

A-and also I'm... [speaks French]. Too young.

It would have been one of those town scandal pregnancies, you know?

- Right. Does that make me old?

- Aged, Richard. - Oh, okay.

- More like a chee-- like a cheddar.

You know, like an aged cheddar. - Oh.

I was really hoping you were gonna say a nice bottle of wine.

[Aine laughs] - Guys,

le train.

- Sorry. Sorry. Um... [Richard clears throat]

- Bye, Dad.

- Okay. Bye.

Uh, yeah.

Okay. Good.

- Oh! Um... [chuckles]

Aw. [chuckles]

[Etienne speaking French]

AINE: Bye! Bye!

RICHARD: Bye. Bye-bye. AINE: Bye, guys. Bye, Etienne!

- Bye. - Bye!

Bye, Etienne!

Bye!

I feel like we're, um, actors in a 1970s studio sitcom.

[laughs] 'Cause we have to wave over the credits till it ends.

Bye! [chuckles]

Production designer. Costume.

Uh, bye! [laughs] Are you okay? - Ugh.

[chattering, laughing]

Ugh. [both laughing]

Oh, he's, uh-- Where's he gone? - Oh!

Is he-- RICHARD: Is he definitely--

- I think he is.

- Okay, um...

Yep, maybe if we, uh...

AINE: Hmm.

I have to go to work.

I really, I'm running late. - I know, I know. I know.

I will, um-- Okay. - Okay.

I will see you tomorrow night. - Yes.

- I'm cooking. So, um... - Blech.

- Get excited. [laughs]

- Okay. - Okay.

Bye. Bye-bye-bye. - Okay. Bye!

BOTH: Bye! Bye!

SHONA: Morning, Judy.

Do you have... Thank you.

- Have you been drinking? - What?

Oh, no. I was, um, at a sauna for lunch.

- Whoo. Eating lunch in a sauna.

No.

- No, I wasn't-- [groans]

[phone ringing]

- Thanks so much, but I can't actually make that date,

as much as I'd love to celebrate your big day.

SHONA: Oh, shit. I don't know why that-- - Delighted to be invited, though.

- I-- Oh, fuck.

♪

ANNOUNCER [on TV]: Maura and Tom have hit it off, so I'm calling them "Mom."

And can I just say wasn't it nice earlier watching "Mom"

get a bit of tongue action? [phone vibrates]

Oh, God, that's certainly wrong.

WOMAN [on TV]: How are you? MAN [on TV]: Good.

I feel like we've moved on a bit. Yeah?

[phone bloops] It's nice that I feel comfortable

doing this now. WOMAN [on TV]: I know.

[chattering over TV] [phone vibrates]

[chatter, laughter continues on TV]

WOMAN [on TV]: You know, I think the confidence is coming out a bit.

Well, not a bit, actually. A lot. [phone bloops]

Which is really, really good, because obviously,

I like a confident man.

Things are going really well.

♪

[distant passionate moaning] [rhythmic creaking]

[Aine groans]

[moaning continues]

- Oh, come on, mate.

[sighs, groans]

[distant moaning continues]

VISH: No, of course. It's your home now, too.

But just, the stuff that gets nailed, maybe...

we can just discuss what goes where,

when I get back?

- Yeah, no, of course. I mean, it's just obvious this was perfect here.

But, you know, anything else,

like big structural changes, I-I'll check with you.

- Um... [chuckles]

- [laughs] I'm joking, you idiot.

- [laughs] Okay.

- Fuck off! Oh, my God.

SHONA: [sighs] Oh, yeah. Listen, just quickly,

um, did you send, um, save the dates?

- Yeah. I mean, I didn't send one to Aine

because I thought it'd be a waste of post.

- Oh, not that. It's just, um, some people at work, uh, got one.

- People? I just sent one to Charlotte. She's on your list. Right?

- Yeah, I just thought keep numbers to friends and family,

and, and maybe that and, and stuff like that

we can also do together.

- Yeah. Course. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah.

- Don't say sorry. [knocking]

Oh. Door.

[gasps]

- [dramatically]: I have traveled land and sea,

across the Serengeti just to be here, but here I am.

- It's far, isn't it? - [normal voice]: So far.

VISH [over computer]: Okay, it's not that far. - Oh, my God.

VISH [over computer]: And, and shoes. I got, I got slippers by the bench.

- You even got your creepy little robot butler.

- [laughs] Don't put on Vish's moccasins, though,

'cause they make my vagina [sucking sound].

- Blech. VISH [over computer]: Those moccasins were my grandmother's, thank you.

- [gasps] Ooh! [laughs]

Heated floor! [gasps] - It's nuts, isn't it?

Oh, and look. Look at this. - [gasps] Heated floors!

Oh, oh, yes!

Oh, yeah!

VISH [over computer]: It's like you've never been warm before.

- Aah-ha-ha-ha! - Right?

- Yes! - It's great when you've got your period

'cause then the whole floor's like a hot water bottle.

- Oh, lovely. - It's so lovely.

- Oh, my God. We can make heat angels.

Look! [both laugh]

VISH [over computer]: Heated floors, baby!

See, this is why it's worth moving out.

- Oh, no, it's just too far. - It's not worth moving for that alone.

It's too far. - It's so far out.

Oh, my God.

Is that your motherfucking garden?

SHONA: Yeah. AINE: Oh!

- It's motherfucking massive. - Whoo!

SHONA: So, come here, can I just put everything where I think it should go?

- Yeah, I mean, uh, most of it just go-goes in the cupboards, really.

- Yeah, but I meant more like, you know, like, display items.

Like-- [laughs]

VISH [over computer]: Like what? - Like, um,

like, I think I should leave out the egg duck.

'Cause then it's just really easy to access eggs,

you know, 'cause they're just-- - Mmm!

- They're in the duck. See?

[Aine groaning over phone]

- Oh, my God, it's Baltic. My nips.

- Hey, babe, show her the, uh, little baby me.

- Oh, yeah! Oh, my God.

- Oh, I knew you wanted babies really, Vish.

[Shona laughing] Oh, my God!

It's like a war crime.

What are you gonna do with that? - Aw.

I'm gonna snuggle. [both laugh]

Or I might open up the stitching at the back and--

[laughs]

- Oh, Vish. [groans]

Oh, brother, no. Please, brother! [Shona laughing]

[laughs]

- It's so handy he's got two faces. - Oh, yeah.

- 'Cause he can do you. - Yeah.

- Cunnilingi me. Ana-lingi you!

[Aine and Vish laughing]

- Wish I was there. Strangely.

- Well, I'm all cleaned out. Thank you very much.

How much more have you got left, Shona?

SHONA: Why? What time is your date?

AINE: Eight o'clock. It's going to take me ages to get back.

[sighs] God. Hey, can I have that, um,

egg duck, if it doesn't stay at the house?

- No. Granny gave it to me. It's mine.

- Yeah, but it looks stupid here.

- It doesn't look stupid. You're stupid.

- What? - And you picked the Spanish tin.

- I know, but-- God, why did I pick the Spanish tin?

- Just like, listen, okay?

You're essentially planning on sleeping with your boss tonight.

Which isn't great as a plan. [groans]

I mean, what would your therapist say?

- My therapist has already said, in no uncertain medical terms,

"Well, bitch, you go, girl. You catch yourself some sweet D tonight.

'Cause honey, life is short, and you are fabulous."

That's what she said. - I was being serious, but...

you're obviously dying to go, so just--

- Shona.

God, you know what?

Sometimes you can just go so long without being touched.

- Just go on an app, Aine.

- Yeah. I'll just go on an app and say,

"Hey, guys. I'm lonely. Touch me." And see where that gets me.

I really like him, Shona.

- You know, sometimes you talk like you're the only one

who's ever sad. It's annoying.

- Are you all right?

You said you wanted to get a fringe earlier, and it worried me.

- What? I'm fine. Shut up.

- Oh, hello, your old bodhráin.

Excusez moi.

[laughs]

Oh, my God. Has there ever been a better idea

than we were gonna call our band "The Corrs-Lite?"

[Shona laughs]

- Yeah, but that was one of those, "You'd never live up to the name" ideas.

[drumming] That's a horrible sound.

[indistinct muttering]

[drumming]

[Aine humming]

[drumming continues] - God, you genuinely are so good at that.

- Yeah, I know.

[drumming continues]

- ♪ Oh, Ireland, oh, Ireland, you've taken away ♪

♪ The pain and the freedom of-- ♪ - No, stop. You're putting me off.

- Sorry. [drumming stops]

- You, you've put me off.

- Right. I'm off to get laid. Whoo! - Uh,

you're vile.

Use a condom. You know he's fertile.

- Well, yes. I always wear protection.

Especially in this wet weather. Ha!

I love you. Do you love me? Goodbye. I love you.

Do you love me? - No.

- Do you love me? - I love you! I love you.

[drumming] ♪ I love you, I do ♪

♪ I love you, I love you, I love you-- ♪

[laughs] Ha, ha! - Bye!

- Go away!

♪

[door slams] - Ooh. Oh-- [sighs]

[shower water runs] Oh, feck!

[groans]

[laughs]

Ooh! - You're disgusting.

- Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were in the shower,

or, um, having sex in the shower.

- Ugh! - I'm sorry. It's just my processes take ages,

and I'm really running late, so-- - Processes? Oh, my God.

You gonna suck a dick tonight?

- Bradley! [Bradley laughs]

- Probably? - Probably.

[laughs] Oh, my God. I mean,

I'll probably talk too much and he'll, like, throw me out, anyways.

- Now, you see that? Don't do that.

- What? What, what, what? - That. That shitting on yourself.

It's just so boring. I hate that.

- Oh. I mean, I was joking, but, yes, okay, I'm fabulous,

and he's gonna want to marry me,

and then you can turn the spare room into a sex dungeon, or whatever you want.

- Mmm. Kinky. But no, I'd miss, uh,

this bullshit too much.

- Uh, I'm genuinely very ashamed.

But also, it's burning, and I need--

So, off. - Yeah. Get that off.

And please use protection, Catholic one.

- Wow. I'm gonna go and have sex with a man. [screams]

[banging on door] - Ooh! Oh.

♪ lively fiddle music plays over speakers ♪

[clatters]

[banging on door] Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

You really shat me up. - Sorry, I got stuck in traffic,

and this place is the bloody wilderness.

- [laughs] Yeah. - Can I just--

I feel like my arms are gonna come out of their sockets.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Come in, come in. - Thank you.

Oh, also, um, Mum begged me to ask you

not to use the microwavable rice packets with them, [laughs]

because it's, um, a waste.

"Vaste" of all your hard-earned cash. [laughs]

And, um, you should just buy a 70-ton bulk bag. So...

She said she can send you the links.

- Bless her. Okay, I'll get the 70-ton bulk bag,

if it's microwavable. [both laugh]

Yum! - Mmm.

- Do you want to stay for dinner?

You must be tired from the driving.

- Oh, um, I mean...

I'm not a long-distance lorry driver.

I don't legally need to take naps every four hours or anything.

- [laughs] No, no. I just, um, you know.

You know what? We've never hung out, you and I.

- Yeah, no. Uh, well, we never needed to--

- Yeah, just, we should, is all. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, I-I have a pub quiz with the boys tonight, so...

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not, not tonight.

Not tonight. Just, um-- - Yeah. Are you, are you, you okay?

You haven't put the-- You haven't put the stick down.

- Oh! [laughs] It's, um, it's a drumstick.

It's for my, um, bodhráin drum. - Oh. Oh, cool.

- I can play it for you if you--

Do you know what? You should go.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you should. I would love to hear that.

- Yeah. Another time. Another time. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

RICHARD: Should I, uh, should I put some music on, or--

- What, some, like, traditional Irish music?

Hmm? - I was wondering if you were gonna make jokes about this.

- Oh, sorry. - No, that's good.

It's, uh, it's nice to laugh.

- Mmm. Mmm.

- Christ. - Oh, what?

- I just heard myself, "It's nice to laugh."

- Oh. [laughs] There's a hot new take there, Richard.

[laughs]

[moans] [Richard groans]

- One second. - Oh.

Hmm. [Richard sighs]

[keyboard keys clicking]

- When did you first know you fancied me? [laughs]

- Um, uh, the first time you went upstairs to see Etienne

in one of your little skirts.

- Mr. Kirby. That’s my work uniform.

- Office? - Yeah. [laughs]

[groans]

[passionate groaning]

Oh...

- Uh, sorry. Might just take a few, um-- - No, no, no, that's fine.

Yeah. - Just, um... Yeah.

- Do you want-- Can I do anything?

- Um, no, no. Um, sorry.

Maybe I did need some traditional Irish music after all. - [laughs] Oh!

I mean, I could still sing you something. You know. - Right.

- Uh, there’s one song about this time

when the British soldiers were fucking awful in Cork.

It was a horn guarantee so...

Yeah. [laughs]

- Um...

Do you mind if, uh, could we change it up--

- Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. - I just, um... Yeah.

- Yeah. Maybe you could, like--

- No, no. No. - No? If we--

Oh... - I just, um...

- Oh, no, no, no. You don't have to--

No, no, no, no. Honestly, you don't. - Please, please, please?

I want to. I want to. If that's okay. - Oh...

Oh, I mean, absolutely. Obviously, yeah, but, um... - Okay.

- Yeah, I just feel a bit guilty, so, yeah. Okay. - No, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- There? - Oh, yeah. Yes.

Yes. Yep, yep.

Ooh. Aah.

Jesus Christ. Fuckin' hell. Jesus.

Oh, ho, ho...

[moaning]

[moaning increases]

[rhythmic moaning increases]

[sobbing]

[crying]

- Honey, did I hurt you?

- No. God, I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, God, that was lovely.

- Honey, I'm, I'm trying to work out-- - Oh, gosh.

I just think it was just like--

It's really like... Ooh.

Like pure, pure

hit of happiness and then just having--

- So, like, like, good?

- Oh... Uh...

- I don't think I've ever heard so many Jesuses.

- Mmm, yeah. Sorry to talk about my ex in bed.

[laughs]

♪ "Oh What A Feeling" by Mystery Skulls playing ♪

- ♪ Oh what a feeling, every single time I'm with you baby ♪

♪ Hooked on your loveliness, it's so surreal it leaves me hazy ♪

♪ When I look in your eyes it's truly clear, it's got to be love ♪

♪ Oh what a feeling, is it real enough ♪

♪ Oh what a feeling, is it really love ♪

♪ Oh what a feeling, am I strong enough ♪

♪ Oh what a feeling, is it really love ♪

♪ What a feeling, with you ♪

♪ When I love you, got to be real and ♪

♪ With you ♪