All language subtitles for The.Mistress.1E03

Ripped By mstoll

Luke!

Mmm.

Paperwork.

- I love you.
- I love you.

I've made your favourite meal.

Oh, wonderful.

You haven't eaten, have you?

Of course I haven't eaten.
I'm having supper with you.

- Steak pie...
- Wow! Steak pie.

- Green beans...
- Green beans.

- And roast potatoes.
- I can't live without roast potatoes.

- Yogurt and banana.
- No.

What have I done?

Lemon meringue pie?

You mean, lemon with
shaving cream on the top.

Get out!

Oh, no.

Oh, my God!

Black potatoes and
matching green beans!

Smells good.

I don't mind if you've eaten.

No, I haven't, I haven't.

It's nearly ready.

It would be quite nice
being married to you.

Must be rather nice
spending every evening

eating and drinking and... cuddling.

It is ready.

- Did you hear me?
- What?

So?

Oh, I, er... I don't think I'd be
quite right for you...

...as a wife I mean.

Having second thoughts
about us, are you?

No, it's just...

Perfect.

- Pie?
- Of course.

For some reason, the crust didn't
want to stay with the steak.

Perhaps they had a row.

You'd better start, it might coagulate.

Oh, no! It's all gone wrong!

Ah, what, what's gone wrong?

Luke, don't try to pretend.

Just look at your plate - there's not
one recognisable thing on it.

Even the gravy's having
an identity crisis.

It's delicious!

Can I have
another piece of coal, please?

Oh, come on, you get most things right.

Well, I got the lemon meringue right.

Oh, good.

Fantastic.

I bet Helen's cooking is amazing.

Well...

I bet her beans are green,

and her pie doesn't wrap itself
round the oven,

and her potatoes don't fall
on the plate like meteorites.

Well, I had to get a power drill
to her sponge pudding tonight.

You HAVE eaten.

No.

Yes, I had to.
These are things I have to do!

Oh, Luke. It's so hard for you.

Yes, it is, very hard.

Why didn't I meet you years ago?

Because God doesn't want us to
have everything all at once.

Coffee?

Thank you.

What about some irises?

I've only got my pension.

Well, these are nice.

We've got different colours
and they're only �1.50 a bunch.

Oh, my pension wouldn't run to that.

- I'm off for lunch, Jen.
- Okay.

Look...

What about these?
These are only �1.

Oh, I can't afford it.

50p.

I'll have two bunches, please.

Excuse me.

Anyone sitting here?

Is this seat taken?!

Oh, I'm sorry. No.

Oh! Oh, dear God, I hate this world.

I'm full of car fumes.

Oh!

I don't need the list.

I'll have the omelette
if the eggs was free-range,

and the sausage if the pigs was happy.

I'll have mushrooms and tomatoes
if they're not insecticided,

or the salad with a dressing
if it's not got preservative in it.

Otherwise I'll have toast.

I used to come here with my old man.

It was nice in them days,
the food was unmolested.

I always say when he died
he took the chef with him.

Kids, have ya?

No.

Oh. Well, I expect there's time,
you can't boss Mother Nature.

No.

Like asking a cat to bark.

Or a dog to meow.

I had a dog that meowed.

Oh!

Dogs is special.

Dogs is versatile.

They don't grow lettuces
to eat no more.

They spray all them nutrients
out of them.

They're more for putting
in vases now.

And eggs is no good for you.

They come from depressed chickens.

The world is full of people
eating paranoiac ggs.

Still, if progress don't get ya,
caffeine will.

It's been really nice talking to you.

Don't you want kids, then?

Erm, well? Yes, I do.

Oh, it's your husband, is it?

No, I haven't got a husband actually.

It's a pity we have to
get one of them first, isn't it?

I mean, they don't do much
towards the whole thing.

Still, the bit they do do saves them
from becoming unnecessary.

Wonderful things kids.

You can wake up
and look at your old man,

and notice that
he's slowly turning into a reptile.

Not like your kids,
your kids is always beautiful.

They'll steal your time
when you're young,

but they'll give it all back to you
when you're old.

Oh, you certainly are
a good advertisement for having kids.

Oh, yes, I ought to know about kids.

I never had any myself.

'I might see you tonight.
Will phone, love Jimmy Riddle.'

Alright, we'll have whisky.

Oh, hello, Jen! What a surprise!

Are you alone?

No, I'm with a rabbit.

Ooh, are you expecting Luke?

- No, I'm not expecting, just hoping.
- Aah.

Hello, silly animal.

It's, erm...

It's a favour, just a little one.

Oh, yes, I know your little favours.

The last time it was,

'I told him I had an executive
position with a computer firm,

so can I borrow your place?
It's bigger than mine.'

Well, which of my possessions do you
want to impress him with this time?

Well, Max, this thing has grown.

I mean, you know how I said
I'm through with matters of the heart,

I'm going to concentrate on
the software in my head?

Yes.

And how this new guy,

Bruce, and me are incompatible
because he's weak and non-perceptive,

and his lack of perception cripples
my ability to appreciate that...

...amazing body,

because it's mainlined to
a stupid brain.

When in metaphoric terms
all he really represents is

a beautiful house filled
with crap furniture.

Yes.

We're engaged!

Oh! Jenny, oh!

Congratulations! Oh, how fantastic!

And how terrific and...
Are you sure?

Of course I'm not sure.

I mean, are you sure
you're ready to be engaged?

Oh, I'm always ready to be engaged.

To him, I mean?

Oh, Max,

when he kissed me last night
I felt as if I were dissolving.

Have you ever had that feeling?

Yes, I have had occasion to dissolve
but I didn't get engaged to them all.

Life's just a dark room, Max, isn't it?

A dark room,

and when someone comes along
and opens those curtains...

- What the hell?
- Oh, yes, Jen.

What the hell?

You know, he's the first man
I ever had completely to myself.

They usually share you
with their work,

their mother, their dog, their wife...

Sorry!

I'm sorry.

The only reason Mother Nature
gave me a mouth was

so that I could apologise
with it for using it.

So what's the little favour?

I keep forgetting Luke's married.

- Jimmy Riddle.
- What?

Jimmy Riddle, that's how
his latest note was signed.

Oh, well, makes it more intriguing.

Yesterday was Peter Smith.

Ah! Makes it all unpredictable.

A few days ago it was Robert Jones.

Well, it makes it all...

Go on.

...different?

Oh, different! It's different alright.

I know this man called Luke,

who is married
to a woman called Helen,

who sends me notes

signed Jimmy Riddle
Peter Smith or Robert Jones,

saying, 'I might see you tonight.'

Might!

Well, it makes it all...

Wrong.

Oh, look, Max!

Nothing's lasting, nothing's safe.

The only thing you can
rely on is the moment,

because the one before has just gone,

and the one in front is probably
going to be disastrous.

So if you have moments with someone,

you know, sort of,
little birds singing in your soul,

buttercups in your brain,

the sudden noticing of
nature and music and poetry,

and all the other soft porn of life.

Well, that's it.
Grab it, savour it.

Then when you're passed it all,
you can sit back in your wicker chair

looking as smug
and as wise as an old bucket.

Can I borrow your pink sweater?

He'll come, you'll see...

Thanks, Max.
I'll bring it back tomorrow.

There's no hurry.

- Take it easy.
- I will.

- Play it cool.
- I will!

- Don't let him see that you care.
- I won't.

Nice and cool.

Nice and cool!

Hello.

Max, I've been trying to
get hold of you for ages.

You're whispering.

I called you earlier at the shop,
you were engaged.

I hate it when you whisper.

Listen, I have to hurry.

You always have to hurry.

We have this dinner, I'd forgotten.

You're always whispering
and you always have to hurry,

and you're always
having forgotten dinner.

I called to see you at one o'clock.

We close for lunch at one o'clock.

Oh, honey.

- Yes?
- I'm sorry.

It's alright.

- If I...
- Darling!

Can you do me up, please, darling?

Thank you.

Drink?

Thank you.

Oh, I do hate going to the Lawson's.

- You used to kiss my back.
- What?

When you zipped me up,
you used to kiss my back.

Yes.

- And my neck.
- Yes.

You used to mess all my hair up,
do you remember?

Of course I remember. You make
it sound as if it was years ago.

No, not years ago.

Dreams ago.

Dreams ago?

Sometimes it didn't stop at my neck,
and we never got to dinner.

I'm sorry. You've obviously
got something on your mind

and I've been too busy
and selfish to notice it.

Tell me about it.

'Tell me about it.'

Oh, it's alright, it's alright.

You always sigh.

Every conversation we have

you proceed it with a noise like
a surfacing whale.

It's going to turn into a row.

Well, we won't know until
your voice makes a decision, will we?

You're proud, aren't you?

You're proud of that inert,
prone, prostrate attitude of yours.

While everyone is running round
with bulging eyes

and soprano voice,
your emotions just lie there

as if they're on a bloody sunbed.

I can't help being together, Luke.

Some of us are born together
and some of us are not.

Even when we make love.

Make love? We don't make love.

We indulge in some lightning event
that leads me wondering

if I should dash up to the rostrum

and claim a gold medal!

You don't do it for us, Luke,
you do it for England.

Ha-ha, isn't that typical of a woman?

Knock him down first
then reverse over him.

I'm not complaining.

Of course you're not complaining!

You're being nice!
You're always being nice.

When you're worried you're nice,
when you're annoyed you're nice,

when you're not nice,
you're not nice in a nice way.

Why don't you do
something evil just for once?

You're drinking a lot.

No, I'm not.

I'm just pouring a lot.

Cheers!

Would either of you two
consider marrying me?

No, of course you wouldn't...

because you're a cat,

and you're a rabbit,

and I'm only a human being.

One day, I'm going to buy you
a big field and

we're going to
grow dandelions and clover.

It wasn't my idea to
have you neutered, you know.

I would have been happy to leave you
with all your little bits and pieces,

but people said
you would spend all your nights

on a high wall raping and pillaging.

And I have to keep you away
from your little friends

because apparently
you devote your entire life to it.

And here I sit with
all my little bits and pieces,

and nobody seems to care.

We're all neutered
in some peculiar way.

Oh, Luke!

Hi!

I didn't use the key.
You might have had company.

Drink?

No, thanks. I've had a drink.

In fact, I've had several.

It is not funny, Max,
my life is not funny.

She threw her drink at you?

Not just one - several.

Each one poured calmly, each one
carefully measured, carefully aimed.

No hysterics, no emotions, just the
gentle, calculated delivery of Scotch.

And you just stood there?

Yes, I stood there
feeling extinguished.

It's the first time
she's ever done anything evil.

Well, I hope she keeps it up,
I might get to see you more often.

How about you?

Oh, I - I've just been
having a chat with myself.

I'm really quite interesting
when I get to know me.

We're you going to
have an early night?

Yes.

Good.

Oh, damn! My car's outside.

Does it matter?

Ah, someone might notice it.
I know a lot of people round here.

Well, couldn't you
be visiting a friend?

Er, no, I'd better move it.

Bring it in, why don't you?

You know the problems...

Oh, yes, of course,
of course, you are a married man.

Your life must be seen
to be unblemished.

I just don't want to take chances.

No, no, we mustn't take any chances.

I mean, nobody must find out about us.

Somebody might shine a torch
into a dark, little corner

and see me crouching
and shivering there.

Mind you, I can come out at Christmas
and holidays, and weekends.

And summer holidays, I can come out
then because you're not here.

Max!

Look, could you move this rabbit?

Look, I come when I can.

Yes, I know, you come when you can.
Hooray!

This is an affair not a marriage,
we agreed on that.

Yes.

When it stops hurting, it's time to go.

Yes.

No plans, no promises just...

Bed.

Oh, come on, Max, it's not like that.
It's more special than that.

Why don't you go and move your car?

Thank you.

- I'm sorry about last night.
- It's alright.

I explained to the Lawson's.

I was going to apologise
when I got back, but I...

You were tired.

No, I wasn't tired.

Oh, you looked tired.

Well, I...

When I met you on the landing
I thought you were a very old burglar.

I'm not complaining.

No, you're not complaining.

I think...

Helen, you know I can't bear
waiting to hear what you think.

Waiting to hear what you think
is almost as bad as hearing it.

I think...

I think I'd like a baby.

Please don't abandon
your Shredded Wheat like that.

Women have been having babies
for years now.

Well, it's just sudden.

I know we planned other things,
free spirits and all that, but...

Well, now it's different.

What's different?

Time is different, it's running out.

Oh, not for you. You're a man.

You can decide to have a baby
when you're 90, if you like,

but I can't...

I've got to have one now or never.

I can't think why God
practised such discrimination.

But we agreed
we're not child-bearing types.

I am a child-bearing type, Luke!

I was built for it

and even you can cope with
the bit you have to do!

Our lives will be disrupted,

we won't be able to do anything,
go anywhere.

I mean, look what happened
when we minded your friend's dog.

I'm not talking about dogs, Luke.

I'm talking about a child,

a little human being,
the perpetuation of you and me,

with your eyes, my smile.

We couldn't go anywhere with that dog!

We couldn't take him out
because he hated other dogs!

We couldn't invite friends because

he hated people with brown eyes,
or people with overcoats.

We couldn't go out ourselves
because he had an emotional bladder!

Whenever we stayed in,
we had to sit on the floor

because he was guarding the sofa.

I don't anticipate having a baby
with those particular problems.

And talking about time,
I'll be 50 by the time the child's ten.

He'll expect me to run the father's
race at the school sports.

I'll have my first coronary
at the finishing tape.

'Does your father play cricket? '

'No, no, it's a bit difficult on
a life-support machine.'

What happened to
the kind, caring man I knew?

Life happened.

And you're prepared to go through

that life without ever hearing
the word 'Daddy'?

The word terrifies me.

You're not normal.

There you are, that's a fine start
for a child, father's not normal!

All the same, I'd like to try.

Think, Helen, think.

You've got your freedom now,

your looks, your shape and that is
important, that really is important.

The world's full of
avocado-shaped mothers.

Is that enough for you?

My looks, my shape,
is that my passport to permanency?

You can't plan permanently,
even castles fall down eventually.

Space is permanent.

The sky is permanent.

Air is permanent.

The space and air
and sky are the world.

We are not the world,
we are the little insects

which forage and breathe
and dream of it.

How lucky our child will be.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What's the matter?

I just needed to...

I just needed to hear your chatter.

Well, I can't do it to order.

This is a surprise,

you and me walking in the open.

Aren't you afraid a passing car
might recognise our cars?

I shall deny it.
It's not true, I tell you!

We're just good friends!

When I was young...

You mean, yesterday?

I used to fantasise about making love
in the open air in the long grass.

It was always a young, broody farmer.

He'd come out from behind a haystack

and we'd look at
each other smouldering.

It all got rather evil after that.

Oh.

How would a rather old, rather
threadbare consultant engineer do?

Look, I'm sorry.

It's alright.

I didn't bring you here just for that.

Oh, really? That's all we ever do.

It's my fault, alright?

You probably get enough sex
at home, anyway.

- Max.
- You could hardly expect to

complete the course with me.

I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry.

It's just that...

Well,
I sit in that flat night after night

with my ears to the telephone,
my eyes to the door.

I make meals that never get eaten,

I make plans that never
get further than my head.

Plans. Everybody's making plans.

Do you mean to tell me
that one little unsuccessful moment

in the woods makes me a failed man?

No, I don't mean that.
It's nothing to do with that, it's...

- What then?
- It's that I want to be a...

- A wife?
- No.

What then?

Well, I want to be...

important.

Okay, okay.

I think of you all the time, alright?

I see you everywhere.

You're so on my mind,

I collide with people,
I trip over babies.

Yesterday, I picked up
some things for Helen,

I went to my car loaded with parcels,

I put some on top of my car
to unlock the door.

I drive all the way home
with an electric wok on my roof.

I get my sentences muddled up.

I pick up the phone every time
the oven timer goes off.

Now I hear your voice, feel your skin.

How's that for importance?

It's not bad.

I much prefer you in the woods
to a broody farmer.

Good.

Do you know? I was thinking...

All the things we've talked about,

you never told me
why you haven't got any children.

Well,

it wasn't something
Helen wanted at the time.

I quite like babies.

I think I should like
to have one of yours one day.

It's just a thought,
it's just a thought.

Ripped By mstoll