All language subtitles for The.Mistress.1E01

Ripped By mstoll

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

They're really nice.

Can I speak to the manageress, please?

Will I do? I'm the owner.

Ah! I want some advice, please.

I want to buy
something special for a lady.

Something special -
is it a birthday or an anniversary?

An anniversary. I met her
on a Thursday, you see.

Something special? Let me see.

Exquisite!

Thank you. How much?

60p, please.
Would you like it wrapped, sir?

Please.

Thank you.

I'll see you tonight.

Yes.

7.30?

I can't be late.

I know.

Oh! I bought you this.

How lovely!
It must have cost a fortune.

Yes. Well, I don't like
to discuss money.

Yes, yes, I know, but �129
is exorbitant, don't you think?

After all it's only a small garden,
not Hyde Park.

The point is, your young man arrived
here with a few bulbs and a trowel,

took two hours for lunch,

trod soil and fertiliser
all over my house,

ate all my cake, drank
several vats of coffee and left!

What? Excuse me...

Jo! Jo! I'm on the phone.

The phone. Me on the phone.

I'm sorry. The thing is for �129
I could have had Percy Thrower.

Well, for a start, the tree
you sent me is ridiculous.

I know it's a flowering cherry,
but it leans.

All I get is a stem. The people
next door get the blossoms.

They're already hanging nuts
on it for the birds.

I'm stuck with the tub,
the watering and the bill.

Thank you. I'd be most grateful.

Please don't bore me
with your overheads.

I don't bother you with
my mortgage, do I?

The entire human race is
on a rising tide of greed.

Is bad?

You know, Jo, we're like jungle
creatures devouring each other.

Is very bad?

Soon we'll all be hanging
from our balconies,

hunting each other down for lunch.

Is very bad.

Hello.

- Helen.
- Hello, darling.

Did I tell you I was going to be
late home tonight?

No.

You haven't cooked
anything special, have you?

No.

So you don't mind?

No.

Good.

I'll see you tonight then... late.

Are-are you alright?

Look, why do you keep asking me
if I'm alright, darling?

You're doing it all the time.
It makes me feel you feel

I may not last until tonight.

Sorry. Habit, I suppose.

Are you alright?

Yes, fine, fine.

Good, we're both alright then.
Aren't we lucky?

- Bye
- See you.

What's your problem?

- Work, money, women...
- Life!

How is Nancy?

Oh, she makes it so difficult!
I feel as if I'm a racehorse,

but there's the post and all I've got
to do to please her is get there.

So I go eyes rolling,
nostrils flaring, heart bursting,

and there she is with
a giant wrench raising the fences.

Up, up they go!

One of these days I'll hit
my head on a passing jumbo-jet

and, bang, that will be it.

Time, that's my problem.
In 20 years I'll be 60.

Up, up they go.

When you're my age, I'll be dead.

If only she didn't complain.

Funny how being dead
doesn't appeal to me.

Does Helen complain?

No.

What, never?

Never.

You lucky sod.

Even when she's hysterical,

her words land gently
like little paper aeroplanes.

Oh, it must be nice to go
home to little paper aeroplanes.

Yes.

When Nancy and I first lived
together she was soft and gentle.

As soon as I put my key in the door
she'd call out, 'ls that you, honey? '

And she'd be there to meet me in
the hall with a little pink thing on

and we'd fall in a pulsating
heap on the carpet.

Every hall has its day.

She's about as soft and gentle
as rabies now.

'Where have you been?

You're late. Your suppers ruined.
Don't you look at me like that! '

No little pink thing.

No, something long and menacing
with a security lock at the neck.

That's the trouble with passion,
it's nature's firework display -

a few quick bursts of light and
fire and you're left with a mess.

Well, I'm going to tidy up my mess.

How?

Well, I'll... l'll talk to her first.

And?

Well, then I'll act on-on-on
what we talked about.

So she says, 'You're right, darling,
I make things difficult for you.

All passion is lost. Gone are
the days of the little pink thing.'

How will you act?

Everybody's in a mess, Simon. We're
all stuck with our own particular mess.

Even the lucky ones,
the ones who are just beginning,

the ones who know it all -

even they are building a nest in which
to dump their own little mess.

Well, except you.
I mean, you with a tranquil wife.

Yes. Well, my mess is not
immediately noticeable.

It's like the untidy cupboard.
You know it's there,

you just hope nobody opens it.

You're early!

- Yes.
- How lovely.

I think rabbit three is pregnant.

Oh.

She's a bit fat.
Rabbit five looks rather smug,

and rabbits one, two, three
and four are saying nothing.

Everything's ready,
all I have to do is serve it.

Well, it's alright,
there's plenty of time.

Well, there's, er, quite a bit of time.

You pour the wine, I'll get supper.

There you are.

Shouldn't you, er, segregate them?

- What?
- The rabbits.

Oh, I do most of the time
but they find a way somehow.

Go on, get supper.

I thought we might take a weekend,
the country or, er, something.

Oh, thank you.

Whoops!

Thank you.

There's yogurt and banana afterwards.

Oh, wonderful.

Er, couldn't we eat at the table?

Yes, of course, if you want to!

No, no, I'm sorry! It's-it's fine,
it's lovely. It's-it's you.

You said something while
I was in the kitchen.

Did I?

Mm, I couldn't quite hear it,
something about I thought

- we might...
- I can't remember.

I didn't hear it because
I was in the kitchen.

Oh, I expect it will come back.

It won't come back, will it?

What?

You don't want it to come back.

'I thought we'd take a weekend, '
you said.

You did hear then.

Are you sorry you said it?

No, I'm not sorry I said it.
I was going to say it again later.

When?

I haven't decided yet.

Well, there isn't much time.
Planning weekends isn't easy

and after the yogurt and before
the banana we usually go to bed.

Well, I'll say it then - then.

You won't say it then because

I'll be all mellow and ridiculous,
and sort it out until next time.

Oh, Max.

Then you'll look at your watch,
search for your socks,

climb into your clothes muttering,
'My God, is that the time? '

If you didn't go through that
front door at nine o'clock,

you'd turn into a pumpkin.

I can't help the way it is. You knew
the situation. What brought this up?

I had lunch today alone

and I saw other people being free
and... being together.

Well, we'll be together one day.

When? When she finds out?

But we go to great lengths to
make sure she doesn't, don't we?

Oh, God!

No good calling God. He's out a lot.

Tell me what you want.

I don't know what I want,
but I don't want this.

That's not an answer, is it?
That is not a!

Look!
Will you get this rabbit away from me?

HE lives here!

I know he lives here. So does the
cat live here and the bloody canary.

It's not a bloody canary,
it's a singing finch.

Even if I could get away from
my life for a weekend,

we'd never get away from this lot.

I even have to eat like them.

You don't have to eat like them,
you don't have to eat at all!

Look, I told! I told you
it wouldn't be easy.

You didn't say who for though, did you?

For either of us.

Oh, yes. It's very hard for you, I know.

A nice wife waiting at home,
no questions asked.

A nice meal waiting on a table!

A little tumble here and then

back to your nice life,
the one you had before we met.

At least you don't have to
eat two dinners.

Well, that's because
I don't have two people!

I thought we'd take a weekend.

Look, don't say anything,
just don't try and make it up to me.

Don't say a thing...

When?

Soon.

Where?

Anywhere.

How?

Somehow.

Oh, it's not my fault, you know,
we're in this mess.

You could have ignored me
that first day.

You gave me the come-on.

Oh, yes! I go to bed with everybody

who comes into the shop
to buy flowers for his wife.

And when you were wrapping them
you kept glancing at me.

It was roll, glance - roll, glance.

Then you gave me my change
and pressed it into my hand.

I mean, I was prepared
to ignore the whole thing

but when I looked through
my driving mirror

and saw you running after my car
taking all your clothes off...

Well.

Oh.
It's not going to be easy.

I'll get the yogurt.

Don't bother about the banana.

You keep asking me that.
I don't know why I go on seeing him.

It's just, there doesn't seem
to be any future in it.

I know, I know!

For heaven's sake,
what are you doing?

Relax!

We're just talking,
friends talking, that's all.

Right, now let's discuss
this thing sensibly.

Tell me things you hate about it,

and then tell me things you love
about it and we'll add up the score.

Things I hate about it are

the secrecy, the tension...

- The deceit.
- The deceit.

The not...

...the not being able to go
anywhere together.

The not being able to talk about it.

The wondering what he's doing
the weekend.

The picturing him with her.

The doubt.

The deceit.

The deceit.

Thing I love about it...

...is the agony.

There's nothing in it really, is there?

You disapprove, don't you?

I will mind your rabbits
at the weekend.

You can't wait for the day to come

when you can say,
'I told you so, ' can you?

- And your cat and your bird.
- I know! You're right!

I went out with a married man once.

He couldn't come to my place because
his boss lived just up the road,

so we used to go to
a little hotel outside town.

It sounds wonderfully romantic.

Yes, it was.

We used to book in at nine
in the morning, have lunch in bed,

and then we'd book out
again at six in the evening.

I hadn't got a car, so he used to
drive me to a taxi rank.

He used to pull up his collar,
look all round, give me the OK

and he'd be off before I set
foot on the pavement.

It went on like that for ages.

How did it end?

I thought I was pregnant. I told him
on the way to the taxi rank.

It threw him a bit -

went over a roundabout,
through a few red lights.

When we got to the taxi rank,

he hugged me, ruffled my hair,

helped me out of the car
and into the taxi,

kissed me, waved,
oh, everything.

I never saw him after that.

Were you pregnant?

No, even Mother Nature went off him.

Why do we do it, Max?

That's why, Jenny.

Where are you going for
the weekend, by the way?

Oh, a little hotel outside town.

And that's not all...
We're meeting at a taxi rank!

Helen!

Yes?

Are you ready?

Oh! I thought you'd cut your throat.

Why do women have to take so long?

I won't be a minute.

Can't you finish
what you're doing in the car?

Why, do you have
a dishwasher in there?

What the hell are
you washing dishes for now?

I'm not washing dishes now, Luke.

I'm washing dishes
when I always wash dishes.

But I thought
the dishwasher did all that.

It does, but it hasn't quite got

the hang of clearing the table
and loading itself yet.

Helen, why is it every time I'm
in a hurry you have to run round

as if you're dressed
for open-heart surgery?

Darling, have you seen my hand cream?

And I appreciate that life
in this house would not to survive

if it was not for
the hourly application of hand cream!

Did you lock the back door?

I haven't used the back door.

I'd better check.

No! You-you stay there.
Hurry up. I'll check it.

There's no need to
get in such a state.

I can't help it
if my car's broken down, can I?

Hello?

No, I'm sorry. I think
you must have the wrong number.

What number did you want?

No, this is 729.

Well, you must have
made a mistake.

Well, thank you!

Yes, I much prefer the dial...

Helen!

Your fingers can easily slip off
those little buttons, can't they?

Excuse me.

Look, could you discuss the merits of
British Telecom some other time?

Because we're in the shower right now

and I'm in danger of losing
my spontaneity.

Jen!
Did you call the taxi?

Mm-hm.

Now then.

Pay attention because
this is very important.

This is the cat food, this is the bird
food and this is the rabbit food.

Will you listen?

This is the cat food, this is the bird
food and this is the rabbit food,

and this is extra for rabbit
and bird, not cat.

Cats don't like carrots, alright?

Now you must keep
all the rabbits separate.

I haven't had time to sort them out
yet and rabbit three is pregnant,

so somebody is up to no good, alright?

That's the taxi now.
Rabbit seven is the house-rabbit.

He's perfectly all right running free.
He goes in the cat tray.

But you must give him
lots of cabbage leaves,

otherwise he eats the curtains, alright?

Will you go!

Bird likes a bath and cat likes a
piece of cheese. Cat also likes bird,

so don't put chairs near the cage.

Oh, and don't leave
the washing machine door open.

Rabbit thinks it leads to a field.

Have you got that?

Yes, yes, yes.

Cat food, bird food, rabbit food.

Extra for rabbit and bird,
but not for cat.

Cats do not eat carrots.
Cat wants cheese. Bird wants bath.

Cat wants bird. Keep rabbit separate.
Give rabbit seven plenty of cabbage,

keep the washing machine closed,
and watch the bloody curtains!

Now will you go!

You're wonderful! Mwah!

I'll have to have a new car, Luke,

that wretched thing is
always breaking down.

Yes, yes, we'll see to it.

Where did you say
you wanted dropping off?

I said anywhere in town, but we seem
to have gone right through it.

In fact, I think we
might be in Scotland.

Sorry. God, what am I doing?!

Thank you, darling. What time
will you be home for dinner?

Oh, I'll ring you.

Bye.

Oh, Luke!

I've forgotten to
leave the key in my car.

They won't be able to fix it.

Well, can't you take it in
with you on your way home?

Darling, it's Saturday. They were
doing me a favour rushing it through.

Helen, I'm...

It's Sunday tomorrow.
I can go to Mum's in your car.

Ah, no, no! Give it to me.
I'll take it.

Thank you, darling.

What am I doing?
Taxi, keys, Maxine. Oh, God!!

Miss Mansel?

Yes?

From a Mr Carpenter.

'Darling, can I meet you at the hotel?
Something's cropped up.

I have paid the taxi driver
to take you.

See you soon, love Luke.'

Okay, love?

Have a nice day, sweetheart,
and watch him and all!

Hi!

'Darling, we are booked in
our own names,

separate rooms next to each other.

Collect your key and
I'll see you up there. Luke.'

Luke!

I'm moving in.

Good, I thought
there was something missing.

Well.

Shall we?

Unpack.

- Just in case of, er...
- Fire.

Er, why... did you book two rooms?

Oh, I just thought
it was safer, that's all.

Oh.

I thought we'd go for a walk and
then come here and have dinner.

Lovely!

Good. So when you're ready
I'll meet you in the car park.

Car... park?

Well, just in case.

Of course!

So no one will recognise me,

I'll be wearing pink tights
over my head

and carrying a pink carnation!

Hello.

Hello.

Would you like to join me
for dinner, Miss Mansel?

But, Mr Carpenter, you're a married man.

Ah! Only in real life, Miss Mansel,
only in real life.

Damn, I've left my other shoes
next door. Won't be a moment.

Er...

Well, I know it's a nuisance, darling,
but I gave a colleague a lift out here

with the intention of picking
some important papers up,

and the bloody car's broken down.

Well, he's going on
holiday tomorrow, that's why.

Well, I don't know why both our cars
have broken down, do I?

Oh, it's just one of those days,
that's all.

No, no, don't do that.
I'll stay overnight.

I'll get a train back in the morning.

Yes, I suppose that's right,
the best thing to do. Bye.

Alright?

Yes, fine.

Did you find your shoes?

Er, no. Er, they must be
here somewhere.

Will they do?

Thank you.

Er, Max...

It's all going wrong, isn't it?

It's my fault. I didn't plan properly.

I thought the best thing to do
would be to ring Helen from here,

tell her some dreadful story
about the car breaking down

and giving a colleague a lift,
and, er, well that would be that.

Is it?

Er, no. Er, she's going to see
her mother tomorrow.

This place is, er, on the way.

So we'll have to leave early
in the morning?

No!!

There'll be plenty of time
for breakfast.

Er, she's not coming to collect me
until about ten o'clock.

Then we're both going to
see her mother.

What about your broken car?

Are we going to spend tonight sitting
in it vandalising the carburettor?

- Don't be silly, Max.
- What then?

Well, I thought maybe
that you could drive it home...

Great!!

Well, she thinks
she's doing me a favour.

Couldn't you stop her?

Oh, now don't you start.
I've had enough for one day.

Enough of what?

It can't be me. All you've done
for me is leave notes.

Well, I told you how it would be.

Now look, at least we'll
have the night together.

Are your sure, Luke?

Are you sure
we should spend it together?

Don't you think
you ought to move next door

in case she turns up
in the middle of the night?

She can't do that.
I said I hadn't found a hotel yet.

I'll tell her where I am
in the morning.

You mean, while I'm having
breakfast alone, you'll phone her.

You won't be having breakfast alone.

I'll ring her after we've had breakfast.

One weekend, that's all I wanted.
Just a few hours of pretending!

And what happens?
I travel down here alone,

I wander round the reception alone,
I come and sit in this bedroom alone,

and now I'm going to have
breakfast alone,

and I'm travelling back alone
in your car!

You won't be having breakfast alone!

You couldn't even book us in together.

You passed me downstairs and thrust
a note into my hand

as if I'm some Russian spy!

How do I know we're not having dinner
tonight at separate tables?

Alright, alright, look!
Let's do it your way.

I'm apparently alone on this trip,
let's keep it like this.

You go back to your room
and I'll sleep alone!

Hmm.

Why don't you phone her up and ask
her to come and get you now?

She might as well bring
her mother along too!!

Well, it's alright for you,

you don't have to think about
anyone else but yourself.

All you have to do is put your hat
and knickers on

and that's it,
out through the door!

'Hello, world! You can stop turning.
Everyone change, I'm here now.'

Oh! And what about you?!
What do you think about?

You don't think about me,
you don't think about her.

All you think about is that body
of yours and its endless needs!

'Hello, world! You can stop turning.
Everybody change, I'm feeling randy now! '

And you needn't think crying
will get you anywhere!!

Because I know about
women and crying!

Of all the creeps! Of all the pigs!

Of all the slimy slugs in the world,
I should end up with you.

'At least we'll spend
the night together.'

Do you think that's all I want,
that stupid body of yours?

It's taken you over.

Well, look,
you can't even zip it up properly!

You're just using me!

Well, that makes two of us!

Isn't it time you looked at your watch?

- I love you.
- I love you.

Alright, darling?

Hello.

Ripped By mstoll