Original subtitles

Ollie, remember I told you I had

Look what she left me.

It's Quing dynasty... George,

It's made in China, so it's rubbish.

It's worth a lot of money. Now,

What, here?

Oh, yes, that's lovely.

Bull's-eye!

Ollie, stop that.

What are you up to? Just writing

Not you personally - humanity.

"Art. Very poor."

"French. Hopeless."

No, I think the French are hopeless.

Fair enough. "Maths. Man seems to

I met some Japanese pupils yesterday

They just kept screaming, "Stop the

So, anything we ARE good at?

I'll give you a good report for

You are so naive, Daddy.

Humans ARE nice.

Sir, buy a sprig of lucky heather.

Bring you good luck for

50p?! Double wow with extra wow!

What a lovely woman! You paid 50p?!

I did not. I paid £5 and said she

Talk about stupid!

I know. She should charge a fortune!

It's not lucky heather.

You're wrong. It already has.

A bottle of Chanel No 5

Am I asking £50? No, I am not. I'm

That's all. I'll take three.

You can't say fairer than that.

Your next three birthdays sorted.

Now tell me who's lucky?

George, this is rubbish. It's just

Chanel charge £50 for that!

It's not Chanel No 5!

He was having you on. George, you

Daddy got nothing

So, he was lying to me? Yes.

And that heather woman,

Think about it rationally. How

Like rubbing an old lamp

I should never have

I can't tell when people are lying.

I know. Nobody lies on Ultron.

Marriages don't last,

Maybe you shouldn't trust anyone.

And to help you, Daddy, I've got

It rattles when you're lied to.

£70.

Fantastic! What a bargain!

It's ever since my husband died.

He was coming out of the Halifax

and he had this heart attack, and...

It's four weeks ago. I'm depressed.

The Halifax isn't

It's on Queen Street.

Four weeks ago was a bank holiday.

You're wrong there as well. Look,

Memory loss as well. If you want

I don't think I'll bother.

Can't be that depressed, then.

Morning, Mrs Raven. Forgive me

No, I just don't like you.

Is Janet around?

She asked me to get milk.

Tricky? Asda's a few pence cheaper

but what if it's cheaper

Right.

Because they've found something

so they're conning you, like

We can all see your problem.

Hello, George. Oh, Janet,

Good morning, one and all.

I'd like you all to meet

presenter of my absolutely

Lesbian Love Stories?

No, the religious programme -

We were both at the studio two days

Our eyes met across a crowded room.

You must be Mrs Raven.

Piers warned me about

Piers is a very special man.

It is very rare to find someone in

Isn't that right, Piers?

but I'm aware I've failed the Lord

Nonsense, Piers.

You've got to stop being modest.

Your good works, the millions

Come through to my surgery,

You've heard of Christian Aid. Well,

He's so modest you won't find his

I've heard some things in my time,

To think Piers founded

He DIDN'T found Christian Aid!

Don't believe everything you hear!

Morning. We're collecting for Help

Of course it's OK, Stanley.

George, I'm sure you'd love

I would, Ella, but how do I know

How do I know you're not lying?

You could keep it for yourselves.

Prove you're not ripping me off.

Where does the money go?

What are their names?

You don't know! Help the Elderly?

Agh! Violence -

I want my money back. So do I.

You can't have it back. I can.

Oh, God, they're going to fight.

"In a shock move, the local

"has suspended its fund-raising

You pillock!

I didn't mean my parents! I made

Well done. You gave Help the Elderly

I raise money for charity - for

Cos like I said to Gandalf

The point is, you have got to learn

Right. What you need is practice.

We'll tell you something and you

This should be fun.

No, you're lying.

You're lying again. We HAVE started.

Life's too short. Just ask one of

Tyler, tell me about your parents.

Me mother was half-English,

Me dad was half-human, half-walrus

He COULD be telling the truth.

I am telling the truth, master.

Right. Janet, do you love me?

No, George. I don't love you.

OK. Do you think I'm LYING

You always told me you loved me.

I thought you DID love me.

Better? Mm. You were so convincing.

Daddy,

I got an idea. I know how you can

You call the Ultron Council

Yes! The ancient power of Maskara.

What about the force of Lipgloss?

Janet, this is a serious power.

There is nothing silly

It governs our planet.

Using Maskara could be dangerous.

Will you just shut up?! Sorry.

Sorry.

It enables you to read minds.

Brilliant, master. Do it. You want

Oh, yes. Cos then he can tell me,

Daddy, can I do it too?

Of course you can, Ollie.

They put a child lock on his powers,

Spoilsports.

No, I'm not letting you. Why not?

I've got sick thoughts in my head

Can I have a different mummy?

It's OK. We all have sick thoughts.

It's dangerous, George.

What if I was thinking Tyler was

You think Tyler's attractive? No, of

You don't think I'm attractive?

Oh-h!

I've had it valued, Ollie.

There are people in this world who

Are they on medication? No, they're

This has been in my family for 200

So, you won't sell it? No, I won't.

Are YOU on medication?

I'm glad you're happy with Daddy.

I'm pleased he listened. He knew

How do you know I'm happy with him?

I don't think any less of you.

George, are you reading my mind?

You don't need to say anything.

You don't need to say it

I know what you're thinking. You're

No, that's what I'M thinking.

I got my signals mixed.

What I'm thinking is this.

Ollie's got a child lock.

Think more rude words, Mummy! That's

It's brilliant. It can't go wrong.

That's not what he's thinking.

Now Daddy's thinking rude words!

Right, you're losing this power.

ZAP!

I'll keep the power for myself.

Let me show you the advantages.

Like tonight, you only have to think

I'm thinking you'll be sleeping

Hi, Mummy's home. Hi, Janet.

I thought we'd get

I thought Tyler could join us.

Ta-da! That's why I got extra.

No, a nan! A nan bread.

Oh, sorry. I'll take her home again.

Bye, Nan.

She won't remember. You erased her

I hear the mind-reading is going

WIND HOWLS

Right. Fascinating.

I had a good day at work. I know.

Janet found a heart defect and saved

I can skip all the boring bits. I'll

It's never as interesting as mine.

Today I stopped a paranoid

I said, "You're thinking everyone's

You, a complete stranger, told him

And you think that'll make him less

I think Psalm 40 is my favourite.

"I waited patiently for the Lord

Yes. Beautiful.

You know, I think I love them all...

You are SO sweet!

Charlotte, you know we were

Well, just picking a subject

I was wondering what your view was

Well, I'm opposed to it, obviously.

Oh, me too. Absolutely.

Although, having said that, I was

Oh, I love St Paul. His letters

Aren't they just? Mm.

I came across a little-known letter

in which he said that pre-marital

Really?

"And, lo, having reconsidered...

"I say there now abideth

"And the greatest of these

Well, that's extraordinary. It is.

We have GOT to stop this.

You have no right to stand in the

Can I just say I hope

He's such a kind man,

I've got a set of triplets

and he gives me £100, you know,

Piers, that is wonderful!

Oh, look, it's Monday today.

You'd better get your wallet out,

Actually, it'll be £200,

What a surprise!

I'd better be going. You couldn't

I can't, I'm afraid. Bye.

"No right to stand in the way

I'll get you, you witch!

Yes? I lost my husband

YOU'RE depressed?! I've lost £200.

Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad. You two OK?

So, no, we are not OK. Right.

Me too. I can't stop shaking

Right. It affects my golf swing.

Nobody cares about that!

Well, I don't!

You can go through now.

George, what are you doing?

Thought I'd read some minds to help

You read Mrs Raven's mind, it'll

Could you think nice thoughts for a

Nice thoughts, about nice things,

Dying? No, not dying.

In the path of a juggernaut? No.

Think something else,

But I won't be able

'What shall I do on Sunday?

'Oh, I know. I'll take Mum out.

'Take her on a nice drive

'and leave her there.

'That'll teach her

'Oh, look. There's that Mrs Tott -

'Oh-h!

'A five iron's best, I reckon.

'Or maybe a four.

'No, definitely a five.

'Hit her over the head with a five

Cheer up. The entire human race

My dad isn't sick. He thinks about

I saw it. They choose wallpaper,

They buy dog food, he's wishing

Having horrible thoughts doesn't

How often do men think about sex?

It's once every two seconds.

Dr Crispin was thinking about it

I'm sure you don't think about

Sorry, what was that?

Oh, God! And I've read the minds

Everyone lies and everyone cheats,

Good. Suffice to say, this

I'd better take it to the Ultron

Sorry. I know I'm meant to take

We fail some Ultron end-of-year

There is one thing they could do.

What? What could they do?

I've been to Ultron, presented

That was quick.

No. What did they say? There's

The bad news is they're disgusted

And the good news?

They thought my report was the best

They gave me a commendation! Oh!

Big deal! "Blow up the Earth"?!

I have to say, I thought they were

Of course I'll shout!

Who do you think sent

The official term is "permanently

I thought it was your duty

But Man has fallen below standard.

You always HAVE been, Janet -

Look, it's not the end of the world.

They won't get rid of everything.

Not the Italians - they're

They'll save the dolphins.

Nice animals! And they'll save

43- I've got a list here.

Geri Halliwell? They're saving

Jennifer Lopez? She must

Don't question the Ultron Council.

You're telling me!

Am I on it, master?

Oh, no - Liv Tyler. They must have

Don't worry - I have

Arnie, you're on the list

What about Mrs Raven - the love

'Fraid not. Fair enough.

They're launching the ray at 7pm

No, you got us into this mess with

Janet, don't tell me what to do.

Just DO IT!

Right, I'll do it straightaway.

Well? OK, they've decided to give

It's down to you -

Prove that mankind is worth saving.

They won't destroy the Earth if you

...from the worst four in my report -

I'll start packing.

Mrs Raven, I need to collect £1,000

OK, I can blackmail people.

Yeah, I'll give it to you as soon

You'd be doing it

Definitely not!

...Piers, help me. I need to raise

Oh, I'm not surprised - some people

Here's 20p. Oh, no... I also have

She's finally said yes. So tonight,

Don't want to bring it forward to

and then - my, oh, my -

It's going to move for everyone.

You wanted to see us?

I'm sick of charities.

You get investigated for fraud!

Right. I know this may sound weird

If you four can do this one good

I can't tell you why, but the

That's a good scam -

What d'you mean, "entire planet"?

What? Drug dealers? Vandals?

I'm not saving drug dealers!

What kind of charity does that?!

OK, forget the world! Do it for me.

Just give £250 each, for me -

You're more of an employee than

How do I know you won't give it

Ah, Charlotte, angelic one!

I did a piece live on air today

Ah. The switchboard was jammed

I've phoned Christian Aid

Right.

So... still on for this evening?

Police in California are

In Europe, experts are puzzled

Oh, they like her as well. I've

SQUEAKING

The last of the dolphins -

I'm not coming, George.

You're my husband, Ollie's my son

I can't live on Ultron with beings

Man might cheat and lie

I ain't going neither.

Nah, course not - you think I'm

Please, Janet. I can't. I could

Just go, George. Please.

Just go.

Weren't you going to Jupiter?

I was. I can't get a flight till

...One minute to go, mistress.

It's all right. They won't do it.

That's why I've stayed -

Brilliant! I know.

You see - what did I tell you?!

...I forgot my helmet. Bye.

Right. Right.

Four...

three...

two...

one...

zero.

You see? He HAS saved us! We're OK!

Oh, no, my watch is fast!

four... Shut up, Tyler!

Panic's over, Janet! George!

I gave Ultron the £1,000 from your

What a relief!

Brilliant! Everyone's coming home?

Hang on - they didn't give us

George Sunday, have you just lied

Oh, George!

So where'd you get the money from?

George, please tell me you haven't

No, I did not! How dare you?

I'm getting good at this lying!