Original subtitles

♪ Happy Birthday to you

♪ Happy Birthday, dear George

♪ Happy Birthday to you. ♪

Isn't it great to be 327? No!

Sorry, Janet. Candles were lovely.

With 300, the girl at Tesco's

All you need's a chicken, a knife...

In Northolt(?)...George,

What's tomorrow? Nothing. (I didn't

Who wants some more cake?

Bet I know where you are,

Just rescued someone being savaged

More like a high-pitched scream.

I made this. Do you want it?

No, thank you. Janet...

How would you feel

Changed? Yeah,

I'm a woman, we don't go straight

It's what's inside that counts.

Sort of...

George, what happened?

Don't worry, Janet. It's normal.

Normal?! Yeah, for Ultronian heroes.

After exactly 327 years,

What do you mean, "runs out"?

Be calm. It's perfectly normal.

Not too bad, is it?

I'm the same fun-loving 327-year-old

I can see that. Just as fit and

Yeah, by sitting on it.

George, will you be like this

I wouldn't say that. They might

Janet... you will still love me,

Good, cos Arnie said you'd be

Uh-oh! Gotta go.

We'll have an early night, eh?

Oh! I know how you always liked

Hurry back!

Next piece of scum to ask

What number are you? 583.

I hope you brought sandwiches.

Mrs Raven, are you OK?

If it weren't for this love token

Where's Piers? Interviewing

Weird? I want to spend more time

When I had the triplets, I asked my

Will the owner of car registration

Why? Is it blocking the entrance?

Thank you for coming in. I'll be

Hi, Janet. Hi, Rhoda! She's

A job like this

Ah... Miss...

Miss Fanthorpe? Yes.

Dr Piers Crispin. It is such

I thought your special

That yukky chest thing.

Those pictures of diseased lungs -

Yes, well, do come this way.

And now you're interviewing me

I think you mean icon.

He's just like on the telly.

Me arm's still bruised

When he said part time,

That's men for you - totally bloody

Mrs Raven, were there times when

But I shouldn't have

That's fantastic!

Not as lucky as him(!)

It isn't over. I've passed part one,

Make sure you drink plenty

Now, Hayley, these are patients.

But if you have any problems...

Piers, can I have a little word?

Isn't she delightful? Florence

Are you SURE she's

Miss Fanthorpe... You can call

How do you change a colostomy bag?

Sounds good to me.

See you this evening, Hayley.

Well, I'm not working with her.

Right, I'll work with her.

BUZZER SOUNDS

14. What about 13?

Hi, Janet. Hi, how are you?

Still got all your teeth?

Right.

God, you look so lovely lying there.

Janet, this morning, you did mean

Good, cos when you think about it,

Janet... George, that is not

Shall we start again?

George, I know some women can be

But I'm not Catherine Zeta Jones.

You're quite pretty with a bit

I can do everything

Nah! You could get used to it?

I got used to you sleeping with your

And those crinkly patches on your

I could talk to the Ultron Council.

Yes, don't worry darling,

But, you have to admit,

Yes, George, I'll give you that.

COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Hi, Arnie.

Where's George? In the bathroom.

Hi, Janet, won't be a mo.

And don't worry, your problems

So you saw the Ultron Council?

Even better, Janet,

I'm no longer old.

That's brilliant.

Like a new man. Good.

You won't need this hair restorer,

A-A-H!

What? It's the hair. I can get it...

I'm me, Janet. Great, isn't it?

George? What happened?

When the old body wears out, you get

Look, it's got...

Is it?

Arnie, she doesn't like this one.

There's got to be one she likes.

Come on, you guys.

Janet, I see you've been around the

Here's the entire range,

Feel! The skin's hardly dry.

Give him a test drive.

Janet, just pick one you like and

Absolutely nothing on the clock.

Hello, Janet.

Ignore the rubbish he's talking -

What's he like for size? I beg your

I really do not like this, George.

I thought you wanted me

It's you I love, George. If you

and I'm sure there's a downside...

It'd still be me, Janet.

Yeah, that's the downside.

I just don't like it, George.

Please say you love me, too.

Lesbian.

OK, lads, back you go.

ALL: Bye, Janet. Bye, Janet.

They don't make the George Sunday

There's no demand. There's one in

You don't wanna know. Where did

George, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry. I don't look that old.

We'll tell people

Ah!!!

Quite a lot of stress.

BUZZER SOUNDS

No.

BUZZER

Hang on! Too slow.

Wait till it comes around again.

Stanley. Is it the haemorrhoids?

No. It's personal, Mrs Raven.

Don't say another word - I'll read

Mrs Kenton, you'll

If you're into lingering pain.

How's George? He hasn't been in here

No, he's drooling at home. I mean,

Oh, yeah? My husband used to come

Why didn't you believe him?

Well, I don't think George is up

What? Nothing!

I'm sorry, Stanley. I wish I could

Dad, are you OK? It's confidential,

And you've prescribed his wife

The combination could be lethal.

I'll give you some Prozac, instead.

Piers.

I never realised the nurse's outfit

without Nurse BARBIE.

Now, Hayley, get yourself

I never got one.

Hayley, if there's the tiniest thing

Well, there is just one tiny thing,

Could Janet handle them? I don't

Sounds fair enough. You don't mind

That's her dad!

You what?

How dare you?!

He may look old, but there's

Well, he's family

You have to sit opposite that

He had bits hanging off him

What a bitch!

Right, she's gotta go. You're

'There's concern about Thermoman.

'Eyewitnesses report that he finally

'but only after 22 toilet visits.'

I'm back, Janet.

Oh, George, this old age

OLD, GRAVELLY VOICE: Nonsense.

As long as I have a nap after

Did you get the People's Friend?

You were late getting

I'm still flying fast. I got to that

I know. And why did you go?

To ask them to turn the music down.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, Lord. Who now? Hang on.

Oh, no, it's your parents.

I said you were your grandfather.

Say hello and don't be rude!

Being old doesn't mean

Hello, darling. Hello. I told your

Oh, hello.

I don't believe we've met. I'm Ella,

George's grandfather.

Janet's told me all about you.

It's nice to meet some old people

We're not that old. I've still got

Janet mentioned you wanted

The man's rambling!

Oh, so you're a George, too, same as

I was named after him

Must make life confusing.

So, where is George?

I'm here. No, her George.

The daft one. The young, daft one.

I haven't seen him about. Is he OK?

His marbles?

It's nice for Ollie

You're right. When he's older,

Really?! Is your father still alive?

No, of course not. He's dead,

Bye, Janet... Come along, Stanley.

That poor child.

I'm sorry, now they think

I'm still the same person inside.

I haven't been very understanding.

You mean that? Let me show you.

Oh, and about lunch...

Looks like he's having his already!

I had something stuck in my plate...

Relatives are meant to kiss.

What have you got that I haven't and

I demand to know what's going on.

George and I have split up

Mum! Mum!

I wouldn't,

In a moment of insanity, I said I

So, now it'll be all over Northolt.

Does George know? Know what? You're

For goodness' sake! I AM George.

My God, no wonder you look old!

ALL: Tyler...

Don't worry, Master, you're better

I am married to someone old enough

There is one thing, but it's very

You could go through

Been there, done that,

What is it? It alters the temporal

Ultronian women use it sometimes

Her Earth name's Joan Collins.

Right, I'm going through, Janet.

It's sweet of you to say so,

Bye, Janet. Wish me luck.

Oh, my God, what have I done to you?

It had better work!

I'm not using your toilet again!

Here, let me... Thanks.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Same time next week, Mr Cosgrove,

What's all this?

Ah!

Mrs Raven, you look wicked!

I AM wicked. What's going on?

It was Hayley's brilliant idea.

No, you tell her, Piersy.

Do I have to get out me thumb

I've been thinking about what's

So I've set up a well-guy clinic.

SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

Piers, my sister's working

What? Your sister, eh?

Ah, look!

If you need counselling for your

I don't need counselling.

Where is he? Collecting his telegram

I think you're disgusting. You make

Mrs Raven, I can't tell you why,

Oh, Janet, all I'll say is

And you'll get no sympathy from me.

You should be with someone

You Dr Crispin? Yes, wassu-u-u-p?!

You've been sniffing round

Hayley says you can't keep your

Yes! Yes!

Either she goes or you go.

Not the face. Please don't mark

Right. This is between you and me.

I'll sack her now,

Hayles.

Thanks, Bob. Any time, Mrs R.

I told you I'd sort her.

Did you see the bum on that?

Ollie, have you been flying off

Mum, I'm trying to sleep.

George!

I think I went back a bit too far.

Great(!) Now, I've got two babies.

Spoilsport!

Dad, do you want any help

Don't be cheeky. I'm still your

What about me? I asked her first.

She likes me best. She liked me

Will you two stop it! He started it.

Did not. You did, too.

Quiet! Just let me think.

George, you're going back into the

No, not for that. You're going to

But, Janet, it's seriously flawed.

In you go. OK, bye, Janet.

Janet! If this doesn't work,

I hope you know what you're doing?

Yeah, you and me both.

No, Mum,

What do you mean,

Well, just close your eyes

George?

Hi, Janet. Oh, George, you're back.

Well, almost - thank goodness the

Not that anyone would want it.

Well, I'm sure we can live

Come on, George, I'm your wife.

Oh... my... God!

In a way it'll bring us closer

And we can make love even when

Only joking!

SQUELCHES AS HE UNWINDS

I managed to mend it. Oh, George...

Nearly - I need to fix my tongue.