Original subtitles

[THE SUN HAS GOT HIS HAT ON INSTRUMENTAL]

Your wet through!

Mother and me have had a disagreement.

She won't have me back in the house.

Been walking around in the rain.

I thought, if I got wet enough. Your mother might take me in.

[MUSIC]

[ALARM ON CLOCK RINGS]

[COUGHING]

Edith's got bronchitis.

I must go south!

Now?

Just gonna pack a bag. There's a coach at 12.

I am not feeling to well me-self!

What's the matter with ya?

I feel an attack of starvation coming on!

There's food in the freezer!

You never told me you got bronchitis.

I've got to say something in the letter.

You can't keep on writing about the weather!

She'll want to come and nurse you.

That's right.

Somebody's got to!

Well, you know Hetty.

She likes to keep active.

[EDITH COUGHS]

[MUSIC]

A son! You never told me!

Doesn't Frank, wonder what he looks like.

Fifty years! He must be 53. A grown man!

He could have a son of his own!

Frank could have grandchildren.

Why don't I make some inquiries?

Hmm.

Discrete inquiries. Ask about.

See if I can track him down. A private investigation. [GIGGLES]

No need to let anybody know.

I'd keep Frank's name out of it.

His own son! Gosh!

This is exciting imagine,

Bringing father and son together, after 50 years!

[EDITH MOANING]

Oh, well, I can't talk to you,

when you've got that thing in your mouth.

[CLEARING THROAT]

You're going to fast.

I wasn't. He brought the subject up!

Frank always starts talking about his son,

when one of us is ill.

We are bound to...

We're bound to think about prosperity,

at our age. doesn't mean you've got to shake it by the hand.

That little boy!

What was the little boy's name?

Bernard.

Bernard Cross.

Shawcross.

When Frank married me, he dropped the, Shaw. Kept on being, Cross.

Oh I.

Now, she worked in a pub, little, Bernard's mother. Did She?

And they lived above it.

What was it called?

Hetty, it were 50 year ago, that they pulled it down.

I've got to make a start somewhere! Come on, Edith, just the name.

"Good Intent"

Hm.

It doesn't make much of an impression on Frank, did it?

[EDITH] Your be cutting your own throat, Hetty! Looking for that boy.

I've always said there'd be something for you when, Frank and I pass over.

You don't want to stir things up!

It a choke me!

Little, Bernard might be supporting a whole family.

On supplementary benefit.

Well, what wrong with that! Were on supplementary benefit.

The difference is you don't need it!

[KNOCKING]

Here comes meals on wheels!

Now! About this son of yours.

[MUSIC]

[FRANK] She's found him.

She talk to him?

Knows were he lives. Started at pub.

She's been bouncing back and forth across Pennines ever since!

Put 500 miles on her bus pass!

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

I'll have to have a think!

[READING HETTY’S LETTER] Break open the champagne! Edith.

You're no longer bigamous married.

Frank's legal wife passed away in 1983.

And as for your murky past with Frank, I am

reliably informed, that the son you walked out on 50 years

ago is alive, and well, and living nearby near, Halifax.

My son died.

[RECALLING IN HEAD] Cold! 'course your cold.

Your in shock! Nothing like the shock I'm in!

-[EDITH] Oh! Ugh! -There are names for what you are!

-I wouldn't soil my lips with! -Argh!

One day cycling twenty miles from, Clitheroe.

Next day your giving birth like an animal.

[EDITH] It means it's wrong! -No it doesn't.

It's to late for any of that.

-[EDITH] Oh, how? Oh! -It'll be dead. Thank God.

I don't even want to look at you, and neither should you.

-Didn't know I was pregnant. -[EDITH] Oh!

How old are you, 5 or 25?

[EDITH] Ah!

bury the rug with it.

That'll be ruined as well by now.

[MUSIC]

Mother did it, before she turned me out.

[MUSIC]

[HETTY’S LETTER] Frank's legal wife passed away in 1983.

And the "Good Intent" has changed a fair bit,

since those bad old days of mass unemployment.

when, Myra helped their dad behind the bar, while, Frank kept house.

and looked after little, Bernard.

[MUSIC]

Oh, that's all I need!

No wood, and now, wet coal.

Your about as much use to me son, as an Easter egg at, Christmas.

[HETTY’S LETTER] Little Bernard's married, and has a son of his own,

now, Frank. He left his wife as well! Like father, like son.

But not until the boy was thirteen.

[MUSIC]

Myra never married again.

Or had any more children.

Not now! Save it 'till, Christmas.

[HETTY’S LETTER] Nobody holds a grudge for 50 years, Frank.

My guess is that your, Bernard will be delighted to know

that his father is still alive, and thinking of him.

[FRONT DOOR SHUTS]

We'll stop her now, before she goes any further.

Can't turn clock back!

Never work.

We'll have bus loads of grandchildren descending on us!

From wilds of, East Riding to view us!

How do you feel?

A bit bilious.

Right!

Could be that streaky bacon being past it's expiry date?

I mean about this!

It's your son, not mine. Yours and Myra's.

How should I feel?

I almost died on the half-rug.

It'll upset set you. Bound to.

having a 53 year old son arriving out of blue.

Well, I expect he'll changed a bit

since you last saw him.

Do you know, the seams have gone on two of these Cushions.

I could see the queens head!

Poking through in three different places.

It's a good thing I noticed it before the social services, pay us another visit.

I'm telling, Hetty to stop now. Immediately!

before any more harms done.

I got carried away!

I may have gone further than I meant!

I'm like a terrier, when I'm on the trail.

If I've said too much, I shan't apologize.

Your got to give information, to get it!

People should do their own dirty work.

Then we could all sleep with a clear conscience.

Frank's got that nest egg, stuffed into Cushions!

He can have unpicked a few stitches,

and hired a professional detective.

I've done very well for a novice!

Found his son for him.

And let half of, Yorkshire know. So they can tell the other half!

Ah, Hetty, Wainthropp! The not so private detective!

You know, there's not one advert for a private investigator, in this paper?

How do people manage?

I wonder if I should set up now that I've had the experience?

Put an advert in me-self!

See what replies I get.

Now, that long lost son,

you've found, will inherit the house and the money!

That money would have burnt a hole in my pocket?

Oh, and I won't be behind you, picking it up!

So, you've done away with the idea, that I've anything to leave?

What the heck, am I going to say to Frank?

I'll tell him the truth. That's best.

I'll say, I'm now in a position to bring him and little, Bernard together.

I shan't say they managed to worm,

this address out of me. No need to over egg the pudding!

Then, while I'm in the mood, I'll write to the paper, and put that advert in.

Robert!

Oh, there goes, Alf's trial patch of cabbages!

Do you post that letter to Frank?

About finding his son?

You said, post it. I posted it!

Idiot! I've had two letters this morning.

I know.

One from Frank telling me to stop everything.

He doesn't want to find his son, and he

doesn't want his son to find him.

The other from the son wanting, Franks address.

I shall have to go south, and intercept this letter.

What letter?

My letter! The one you posted to, Frank.

Then I write to the son, telling him his father past away suddenly.

No flowers by request.

What about my dinner?

Tea, breakfast.

There's food in the freezer. Here's the back door key.

I shall phone, reverse charges after six.

And don't telling the operator,

You've never heard of me! Like you did last time.

[MUSIC]

Care for a piece of chocolate?

We'll, I shouldn't really, but I have a terrible sweet tooth.

Everything tasty is bad for you!

Or so they say! [GIGGLES]

Love and peace aren't going to be much good if people refuse to talk to each other.

It's conversation makes the world go around, chum.

In my day, we made our own entertainment.

And sang and danced, and made up stories.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

It turns my stomach, the way you lot walk around!

Grunting like wizened elder statesman.

As if one complete sentence a cripple you!

They should never have stopped the free school milk!

Y'all dried up inside. The lot of you!

Chocolate gives me asthma.

The beds not aired. We weren't expecting you.

I came as soon as I heard!

Heard what?

From Frank! I came as soon as I heard from, Frank!

Why?

I had a letter arrive the morning! I put on me coat, and came at once.

I'll put a brick in the oven.

I didn't tell you to come and see us!

I told you to stop looking for my son.

And I came straight here, to find

out exactly what you want me to do.

I want you to stop looking.

It's not difficult.

I've got bread and jam. Or bread and marmite if your hungry? We've had our tea.

No, thank you, Edith.

I wouldn't have said no to a fatted calf with mushy peas.

That's all you require. When,

that I should cease to pursue my inquiries?

That right. Stop!

I will! I'll be back home tomorrow, quite happy, that I'm clearing me mind.

I don't know why it weren't clear in first place?

I have to be certain.

There's no dubonnet in this house, I suppose?

We still like a nice tea bag. I've only do I take...

Your letter said it was, Edith's

health that was holding you back? She looks all right to me?

Looks don't tell you everything.

Are you sure you'll be quite content, never to see your son, again?

Even though he is your own flesh and blood?

Perhaps, later.

If, Edith goes before me.

We'll have to wait and see.

What you do about your teeth?

Pardon?

You'll need a glass for you teeth.

Your best keep them in room, with ya.

If you leave 'em in bathroom. We wont know who's wearing who's?

Ah.

Eugh!

Don't worry about your teeth, Hetty! They wont be able tax while your with us!

It's not, as if was popping in every evening.

To make demands on their country!

Eugh!

Eugh!

I must have food.

Ah.

[HETTY] Ah! Blast it!

That'll be, Hetty?

Changed her mind, about the bread and jam?

Oh.

[CLOCK TICKING]

[MUSIC]

There should be one for number 17, I think.

I'll take it. I want to surprise them!

Oh, er, the seas that way for paddling!

Er, I recommend it!

[KNOCKING AT FRONT DOOR]

Thought I heard the milkman, rattling his crates.

That'll be clever, their plastic!

And bottles were phased out for cartons!

Those baked beans, are sticking to pan!

Any letters?

I don't know Frank, has he been, yet?

I'll replace these eggs, when I get to the shops.

Oh, there's no need.

There not the same as they used to be, are they?

Battery cages, can't be as pleasant as strutting round the farm yard.

Picking up what you fancy!

I don't suppose you'd give 'em your best, with a conveyor belt under your bum!

Waiting for you to give birth!

♪ Hey, little hen, ♪ ♪ when, when, when. ♪

♪ Will you lay me ♪ ♪ an egg for my tea ♪

Two in your case. There have to go on overtime!

Edith's, having a lie in.

She was awake most of night.

Listening to strange noises.

Hetty!

Yes?

Just want to warn ya.

I shall be using bathroom for next hour.

Accept the charge?

Nay, it's not 6, you know. We're not getting the cheap rate.

I mean, it, it, it's still morning!

Look, couldn't I accept it later?

It's Mrs. Wainthropp.

Oh, all right, then.

Hetty?

Has anyone been?

Has who been?

Has anyone been?

Has, Bernard Shawcross been?

Nobody's been.

Listen, if anyone calls at the house,

I've gone to, Scotland for the highland games.

Don't, what ever you do, give him, Frank's address?

Nobody must know were I am, and nobody must know were Frank is.

Is that understood?

Bernard Shawcross, is bad news.

Oh, I meant to tell you.

There was a man phoned from the newspaper,

about your advert. Yeah...

Hetty. Hetty?

Oh, fiddlesticks.

I bought some eggs to replace the two I eat.

And a couple of hot water bottles.

I bet you didn't bother about beans.

What beans?

Baked in tomato sauce.

More thing if you couldn't gone to a small tin of beans! now and then.

-For an old friend -Oh.

Just happen to notice.

Frank's gone out!

Was it something I said?

He left the house like one of those tornado

things, that used to clean floors on television.

What's that?

A map of "Treasure Island?"

I can see the black spot!

There's more than one.

He often checks the rubbish bins to see what I've been spending me money on.

He just happen to rattle the bean tin and found it weren't empty.

Couldn't read all the letter, 'course of the tomato sauce.

What's this bit?

He left home with over a thousand pounds!

Two Cushions I had to unpick!

For all I know he might be on his way to the

railway station, and be running away, again.

On his way to the betting shop, more like. Your have four Cushion full by night full.

He's terrified of meeting his son, again. After all these years.

If you'd taken the trouble to think!

Instead of bouncing about all over, Yorkshire!

You'd of realised what it must be like to come face to face with a stranger?

Knowing him to be your own flesh and blood, abandoned in its infancy.

Not to mention having your only friend lie to you!

Interfere with her majesty's royal mail,

and let you down.

Hell's teeth woman.

How did I know he was gonna blow hot and cold?

He's the bigamist, he's the child deserter!

He's the one who's cheating social security,

and, even poor little meals on wheels!

And I'm the one that gets in the neck!

So, don't sit there, Edith Merryman.

Who's in moral blackmail from every beer?

Cos I might just forget I came top of the class in etiquette!

Is there no dubonnet in this house!

[RACING COMMENTARY]

Here, are. Go on, pauperise me.

[RACING COMMENTARY]

Preston Pacer in the 2.30, at, York. Two thousand pounds!

[RACING COMMENTARY]

That bugger wins more often than not.

We have to lay it off.

Might be a story in that.

Send, Sheila over to interview her.

[RACING COMMENTARY]

[MUSIC]

And it's, Preston Pacer by a length. Yes a clear length...

I think, champagne all round, maybe in order!

[RACING COMMENTARY]

Henty's gone. Meals on wheels has been. I've kept your hot.

We'll need another Cushion.

Oh.

I don't know what I want, Edith.

I'm that upset.

Well, he hasn't got our address, at any rate.

He doesn't know where we live.

We thought, we might do a spread on you, this coming, Wednesday.

That'll be nice.

Had you had many replies to your advert?

Not strictly speaking, no.

Any at all?

There was one letter from the gentleman,

but he have got the wrong end of the stick!

It's you he's after.

That's obvious, Irene.

It's must be your advert?

Or that article.

Did you see that newspaper article, about our Hetty?

No black leather for super-gran sleuth?

I'll go talk to him.

I'll be back latter.

[SHOP BELL DINGS]

Mrs. Hetty Wainthropp?

That's me.

I'm, Bernard Shawcross.

Thought you might be.

The man was weeping.

Was it the, Spanish onions?

We don't talk about it.

Is he all right?

As right as you'd be if a,

16 year old employed on a youth opportunity scheme,

run off with your wife, and your delivery van.

It's bound to affect his no claims bonus.

I wanted to talk to you about my father.

Do you think I might come in?

Well, I'm not bring your tea out here!

In my picture of dad it's always summer,

and it always include women!

Not just one.

And they're all scantily dressed, you know.

Well proportioned.

Dads driving at speed, wearing a cap and a white silk muffler!

Mrs. Wainthropp,

where is my father?

I can't tell you, I made a promise.

It's like being rejected twice over.

Try not to think of it like that.

Tell me about your own wife and family.

We're separated.

My wife has a little little trouble with reality.

She can't except to much of it.

My son lives with her.

That's the other reason why I came to see you.

About the separation?

My son's disappeared.

Oh!

Since you managed to trace me so cleverly,

and seeing that article in the paper just now,

I thought...

Have you got a photograph?

He doesn't like being photographed.

Because of his acne, mainly.

This is from a school production of "HMS Pinafore."

Hmmm, mmm.

The face is familiar.

I suppose they all look the same at this age.

It's funny how they get those spots around their mouths.

Does he dribble a lot, or is it Too many cakes and biscuits?

The profile is definitely familiar.

Could be the same hat?

He just walked out of school, on his last day of there,

and never came home.

No jobs, no hope.

His mother and me don't inspire him.

He once told me he'd like to jump in the canal.

Break the skin of scum on the surface, and let it just heal over him.

He'd seen a programme on TV about people living in cardboard boxes.

They were being given soup, and asked about their health.

He seemed to think such a life would suit him?

[POLICEMAN] Don't look now, Sal One underage male,

in doorway, of well known risk theatre.

Pimples throbbing in anticipation of a good square meal.

[POLICE WOMAN] Clocked him, Frank.

Thirteen, if he's a day!

Poor little sods, trainers must be giving him hell!

Do the tea and dee?

Why not.

After three, one and two and done.

[BOTH HUMMING WITH MUSIC]

Haven't seen you on the meat rack before, sonny.

It's a beer create.

[POLICEMAN] Age?

Sixteen.

Pull the other one!

Should look after your sight.

Try, my liege, I did deny no prisoners.

Ah! My liege, I did deny no prisoners.

But, I remember when fight was done.

Halifax?

Close enough.

Four miles out, at most.

Five and a quarter.

Left there, Wednesday night?

Friday afternoon.

And, now resident?

Yeah.

Postal address for the use off?

There you've got me.

Be our guest.

[BOTH HUMMING WITH MUSIC]

A letter from him?

Hetty said, he'd write.

Bernard?

Bernard.

A postcard from Hetty.

Oh, what she say?

She in London searching for my grandson.

Says she's turned professional.

A professional what?

Detective.

It was you but idea into her head.

Geoffrey!

Geoff!

Geoffrey Shawcross!

Your father's worried about ya.

If you're in there, Geoffrey Shawcross, I'd a word with you.

Argh!

Good evening.

I do hope I haven't disturbed you.

I'm looking for a young man. Who may have joined your number.

This is his photo.

I wonder if you've might have seen him on your travels.

[BERNARD LETTER] Dear father.

I think it's very strange to me to write these words.

After so much water has passed under the bridge.

I'm now the manager of cold storage unit for the lean in price wholesale butchery.

I have one son, Geoffrey, now aged sixteen.

Although he still looks much younger.

His present whereabouts are a bit of a mystery.

As, Mrs. Wainthropp may have told you,

She's been kind enough to offer me her talent,

as a private investigator.

She seems confident that Geoffrey is in London.

Somewhere.

Geoff hasn't much a head on him, and I fear for his safety.

One reads of so many horrible

things, that can happen to a child in London.

MUSIC AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Where you from?

Halifax.

We're from Bristol.

We're looking for a third party to share a room in a squat.

I've no money.

-squats are free! -We need someone, to keep the place tidy.

We collect things, and we need someone to look after them.

What do you say?

What do you collect?

Ooh, anything that is not tied down.

You'll need a face sauna for them spots of yours.

-And a sun lamp. -Have a look under ess.

The work's not arduous.

It's more like being a curator.

Our long-term ambition is to distribute,

a catalogue, like the mail order companies.

[KNOCKING]

Hm, excuse me.

So, this is the deal!

No money changes hands.

But we'll keep you in food and clothes.

You keep the room tidy,

and you sleep with each of us in turn!

[CLEARS THROAT]

I've, I've not done this sort of work before.

Nothing to it. You're not gay are you?

And you are familiar with the alphabet?

Ideally suited then!

Oh, I'm goanna sit sleep,

Didn't of course mean sleep.

Sleep just a polite word for...

Sex?

Oh, all ready. How nice. We'll save you to afterwards, shall we?

I, I've got no references I can show ya.

We wouldn't want any soiled goods, Geoff!

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What you collecting, honey?

I'm not collecting, I'm searching for someone.

And me names not honey!

I'm chief detective inspector Henry Wainthropp!

This is a disguise buster, so hop it!

Now, that's a coincidence!

'cos I'm searching to! For a deeply rewarding relationship.

With an intelligent and mature woman.

You just might fit the bill.

I am the bill! The old bill! so, shove off!

Er, posing as a police officer in a provocative

manner, can get you nicked.

Why don't I make a citizen's arrest,

and take you back to my padded cell?

If only you had a plastic bowl there I could soak these feet in!

I mightn't even put up a struggle!

It ain't no fun without a struggle, honey!

You know, this is making us ill.

Write to him, then?

Tell him to come and see us, it's what you want.

Let me think about it, eh?

Been thinking of nothing else?

Oh.

He's still not been handed in.

They say there's over a hundred young kids disappear every day.

It's my opinion, they not bothered!

Aren't there any mature intelligent women, where

you live, that you could follow about all day?

Er, they've all gone to seed.

Oooh, you can talk! With your bold spot the

size of a Jaffa orange, and your national health

choppers, rocking and rolling like a grand piano at sea!

[LAUGHING]

You know, I'm really enjoying this job.

If it wasn't for that fact that all me equipment passed it's guarantee,

I'd be doing it twice as fast! Come on. Come on, Jar-dee.

Come on, then.

Number 30, please.

30, ma'am.

Thank you, young man.

Oh. Sorry!

[WOMAN] Oh, I beg your pardon.

-[HETTY] Oh, sorry. - [WOMAN] Oh. Oh. Dear.

After you, Cecil.

No, after you, Carl.

[LAUGHS]

That was a lovely film, I'll never forget it.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Philippa.

Hetty.

Middlewood.

Wainthropp.

Is that your toast burning?

[SNIFFS] Oh, be an angel, unplug it for me?

Must rush! Little girls room.

I thought we weren't supposed to do self-catering?

Oh, we aren't, but I've got special dispensation,

for being a lifer in this mausoleum.

Er, I would offer you a drink, but the porter's let me down. I don't go out.

I was just searching for somebody, with strong wrists.

Oh!

One of my few talents. Ah!

The glasses are in the thing.

Been doing a lot of walking, I see.

Oh, yes.

I used to do feet!

Er, just for the moment you almost reminded of, Deirdre Hanson-Pikes

Er, she was one of, Princess Marina's ladies.

Until her arteries descended with a dull third.

In a way, they came to resemble the rest of poor Deirdre.

I'm searching for a young man.

Oh, highly commendable!

He's a sixteen year old boy, actually.

Never apologies.

Never explain, before I retired from the world,

I moved in some very liberal circles.

If he's coming, I shall want me hair doing.

I'll do, you liked they I did it before.

Once I got knack of cutting it straight!

Properly, I want it done properly. In a salon.

You tried that before! Ve day. Permanent wave. Didn't last.

I've moved on from curling iron, you know.

You sit under these hood things, and read magazines.

You'd look different!

That's right, terrible risk I'd be taking.

You might go off me!

I'm not having you back in this house, looking like a stick of candy floss!

That somebody's poured ink on over.

I'm not having it rinsed, just cut and set.

It's me he's coming to see, not a baby beauty contest!

Just as well then, ain't it.

But, your never find him walking your feet off.

He could always be two paces behind you.

You must be static!

Or do I mean, stationery?

There are one or two places in this town,

where if you sit there long enough the

whole world will be paraded before you. At least once.

And some of them several times.

Mind you, you can you ignore that.

They're mostly traffic wardens.

[MUSIC]

This is the moment we've all been waiting for?

You've not given it a rinse at all, have you?

No madame, hardly at all.

[MUSIC]

Very nice!

[MUSIC]

[GEOFF] I'm back.

Hi there. I'm home!

[KNOCKING]

Are you decent?

I'll come in, anyway!

Never mention the clearing out sale.

Ah.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MUSIC FROM SHOP]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MAN COUGHING]

[FRANK] Edith!

Hmm.

Very nice.

It don't seem to have done much for the money.

How much?

I got it cheaper, being an O.A.P!

Cheaper than what?

Than it would have been otherwise!

[KNOCKING]

Here, hey.

I can't face this!

Tell him to go.

He's come all this way, you've got to see him.

You see him.

[KNOCKING]

Is, Mr. Shawcross at home?

Mr. Frank Cross, Yes.

Might I see him, please?

He's busy at the moment.

Would you like to come and wait?

Thank you.

You found us all right them?

You are Frank's son, I take it?

Ah.

He won't be long, now.

I don't expect.

Frank, Mr. Shawcross has arrived.

He's waiting, Frank.

Do have a chair.

It's Bernard really, isn't it?

Hm.

Frank tells me you were born in Preston infirmary.

The best place hospital

Anything should go wrong.

Oh, you, you've met Hattie? Mrs. Wainthropp.

She had all her's in Prendergast ward.

I expect she'd have mentioned it.

Excuse me!

I've got to get this on before at 4:30 at Haddock.

-I'll take it. -you can't.

-Why not? -Women in a betting shop?

No, sex discrimination here, surely?

Frank, I'd like you to meet Mr. Shawcross.

Whom I you know!

[MUSIC]

Ah! I'd have thought you'd grown out of this by now?

[MUSIC]

Accentuate the positive girl! A negative attitude get's you know were.

You haven't failed.

You made new friends. Seen a lot of London.

Only Westbourne Grove been omitted. from you itinerary.

You know that. I know that.

But, how am I gonna tell them in the shop in the village shop?

I won't forget ya, you know.

Er, take these.

Think of me when you eat them.

Goodbye, Chalky.

AU revoir, as we say in Tobago.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Excuse me.

Can you hold those?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Thank you. Ah.

Would you like one?

I think the chocolate gives me asthma.

Oh, I am sorry.

I had a brother once who couldn't go near cats!

Big red patches, and his eyes!

No need to spit on it!

You and me have a lot of talking to do young man.

And a lot of time to do it!

[MUSIC]

The stench was something awful.

Garbage, and God knows what!

They waste a lot of food down there.

All around me were pimps, prostitutes, rapists, muggers.

The riff-raff of Soho.

But I said to myself, Hetty, you've not lived all these years,

and given birth in Prendergast ward.

While the Germans were bombing Preston docks.

To be scarred off by a couple of rapists and a nasty smell. The boy needs you!

Oh, it's run out.

What did it feel like, Geoff,

when Mrs. Wainthropp rolled aside the cabbage leaves,

and told you she'd come to take you home?

It's all a bit confused, now.

At first I thought I was a hallucinating.

You know, with not having eaten for a week.

I was too weak to talk, really.

I remember trying to concentrate on the 23rd Psalm.

Yay, though I walk through valley of the shadow of death

That, that, that bit.

I mean, how to say thank you for that.

And now Geoffrey is to help Hetty, find more missing persons.

The public response to their story has been sensational.

So, if any viewer has someone you love who's disappeared,

we'll give you the address, to write to at the end of the program.

Hetty.

Geoff.

-Hm. -[ROBERT] Thank you very much.

Fiancée left her at the church!

When?

1936.

No.

Here is another letter from that

gentleman, who wanted to photograph me in black leather!

He's put his offer up to a £100!

-The cheeky monkey! -Ah, ha.

We'll put that aside for a rainy day!

Perhaps he'll let you keep the black leather!

That sofa needs recovering, anyway.

Another proposal of marriage!

Me or you?

Me.

Robert.

Oh, yes.

Ah, well.

Henty's still ahead though.

[GEOFF] Oh, I'll catch her, though.

I've got youth on me side.

Ooh, here's a check.

How much?

Ten pounds for immediate expenses.

Thank you!

The problems gonna be deciding which one to tackle first! [LAUGHS]

So far that's a total of £506, and a

postal order for 28p from a girl who's lost a pet rabbit.

Aaah!

What's for lunch?

[MUSIC]

[BERNARD] It's your hands I chiefly remember. you started fires.

-[FRANK] Where - [BERNARD] Were we lived.

When I was small.

You'd roll newspapers around your fingers,

No wood! Then the right size lumps of coal.

[FRANK] Oh, lighting coal fires.

I thought you meant arson for a moment.

You used to feed me with a spoon.

Comb me hair. Wipe me nose.

Somebody had to.

Now, that Henty's found your son

Wont you be wanting to go and see him?

Oh. Oh yes, perhaps I'd better.

He's staying at her place, ain't he?

Helping her.

No point in our Bernard going home.

He won't be there.

He's not our Bernard.

Has there ever been a ransom demand?

Well, not unless they telephoned while we were out.

Was she interested in any fringe religion?

The Moonies, Harry Krishna, Seventh Day Adventists.

Did you have Jehovah's witnesses knocking at the door?

She admired the Salvation Army, for a while.

Although, she was never very musical her self.

What was she interested in?

Well, nothing much.

Well, one can't be, when one's doing once's O levels.

She was due to take her English Lit on the day she disappeared.

"The Mill on the Floss" is by her bed now, just as she left it.

What sort of girl is your daughter?

Very shy, she'd blush if the television news reader looked up from his papers.

A bit sheltered, perhaps.

I can't believe she'd go off on her own free will.

They'd warned her about getting in to cars, that craw the kerb.

Or, messing with the rougher elements of the polytechnic.

Two and a half years is a long time!

without a word of any kind.

Hmm.

That's what Harold said.

But, people, have been known to lose there memory, haven't they?

She could've forgot the postal code, or anything.

And now, we haven't discussed fees or expenses.

Suppose London is the right place to look.

I don't imagine many folk run away to Middlesbrough.

[INCOHERENT CHATTER AND CHEERING]

[FRANK'S INAUDIBLE]

Your mother had the most perfect feet I've ever seen!

Chilblains, the size of lemon pips!

Toenails, like little coconut flake's.

Disappeared! That's all she'd tell me.

When I was eight years old, I asked her.

Where's my daddy?

Disappeared.

I looked the word up! To cease to be visible.

The next word afterwards was disappoint.

[FRANK] What's your wife like?

[BERNARD] We married late, and should have separated sooner.

She drinks to blot out what she can't face.

[FRANK] Oh, your mother didn't drink.

But I don't remember a time when she didn't smell of stale tobacco smoke or,

Barracloughs, smiles, and bitter!

Yet she, neither drank and nor smoked.

No. She used to wipe down tables, empty ashtrays.

Shuffle around in her bedroom Slippers, teasing the regulars.

She always claimed she er, enjoyed her work.

After you were born. She didn't enjoy nothing.

We should be getting back.

Mrs. Cross said she'd have supper ready.

Mrs. Cross? Do you know what I call your mother?

More a live Mira!

Because she preferred the pub, to being at home with us.

When I married Edith, she was a Merryman.

She weren't the least bit merry then!

She won't be cross, now.

Women never live up to their names.

Not in my experience.

[MUSIC]

Don't slobber over me foot Frank! It sets the chilblains itching!

[MUSIC]

[BERNARD] It's your hands I chiefly remember.

[MUSIC]

I wonder how they come to London, these young people?

[GEOFF] Coach I suppose.

Oh, I did. You can't afford the train if your running away.

Right, I've got it!

Back to basics.

We follow young girls from the bus stations,

and see where they go.

[MUSIC]

She went in there.

Could be a customer?

[MAN CLEARS THROAT}

Weddings?

Yeah.

Bride and Groom! Family group, parents in-laws, best man,

album stuff, you know.

Yeah.

Mounted in full colour, 10 x 8s, with wedding cake thrown in!

All the trimmings.

How much?

How much what?

Do you charge! Man.

Nothing.

All free?

I don't do weddings.

I do artistic stuff, like what you just put your fingerprints on.

I do portraits, passport photo's while you wait.

I sell film, flash bulbs, home movie equipment for the D.I.Y enthusiasts.

Carry cases for the tidy minded.

Second hand camera for the foolhardy,

and er, slide projectors, with those with to many friends.

But aggro, I don't need!

So, I don't do weddings.

And the best news yet is,

I don't do Jewish weddings.

I'm a happy man, okay?

Okay. A portrait of...

Er, strictly by appointment, only.

Got to be in right frame of mind. Cheers!

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

She's not there.

She has to be.

You have a look.

And don't buy anything.

[MUSIC]

You wouldn't happen to have er, a manual diaphragm

for a Pentax 100, 1956 series, would you?

Er, can't get me hands on one, for love or money, ah.

[MUSIC]

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself.

[MUSIC]

Do you have a body to go with that head, young man?

Ah, certainly, Madam, but it's all tired up at the moment. Developing a rush order.

[FRANK] Feet have characters, did you know that?

Now, my left, he's a bit of a bovver boy!

Tuff as old boots!

Er, roll your trousers up.

Now, Mr. Right, he's different!

Bit puffy round the ankles, like a, a stockbroker.

How about yours?

Thought, rather ordinary, I think?

Do a just walk, over there.

What now?

Yeah, you know, sort of backwards and forwards to table, there's a good lad.

Feel a bit self conscious!

Oh, we don't want any of that.

Come on, I'll do it with ya.

You see, you can't judge feet, until you've seen them in action.

No, no, no, don't put them down as though you're walking on glass!

Act natural.

Relax! you're not going to fall.

Daddies with ya!

[MUSIC]

Not used to visitors.

[MUSIC]

Come on, lass, we're too old, for this.

You with your mauve hair, and me with me best collar still missing!

We knew it weren't going to be easy.

All three of us on the edge.

You only took a week away, from cold store.

You'll be back soon.

Come down, and watch me make fire, like we always do.

Help me out.

You get your biscuit tin out. We can look at some old photo's.

Show him your rash.

He's interested in hands.

This little pig went to the market.

This little pig stayed home.

This little pig had roast beef!

Well, everything I can think of.

Tsk. She was a girl with no vices.

Except the snakes.

I never talk about those. They give me goose pimples!

She wanted a carpet python, for her fifteenth birthday.

They can grow to be ten feet long!

And how can we be sure in Cheshire,

To find enough rats and mice to keep it happy.

Did any of the girls we followed,

show any evidence of an attachment to snakes?

One had a leopard skin handbag.

Crocodile boots.

Wasn't there an old skin jacket, with kangaroo pockets.

And one bought some Budgie seed.

Geoff, you take the zoo. Reptile house.

Make notes on the habits of the carpet pythons,

and keep your eye's skinned, encase our girl turns up to visit her friends.

Cheers.

I've seen a snake sometime, recently!

Where?

In a photograph.

That's a lot of help!

Yeah, nipples the size of jelly babies!

[GEOFF] Snakes don't have nipples.

There young and independent the moment their born.

Just as we should be.

I thought you'd failed your GCSE's

Not the snake man, the crumpet! Were was is, now?

Er, there strictly for adults, madam.

And what am I a wizened four year old?

You had a snake in one of these drawers, three days ago?

Well, in that case, it'll be hungry by now, so I wouldn't go...

Ah! Here she is! Well, well, well,

A little cockney sparrow, eh?

[HETTY] More like the figure head of a galleon!

After only two years, doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself!

Did you do this?

I haven't got the equipment in any sense of the word, to do work like that.

I buy those by the gross.

[GEOFF] And some of them are!

You should look inside, the it's only a headache doctor draw.

Who supplies you?

He'd know the photographer,

and maybe the model.

Might.

What would this picture cost? with the name of your supplier, scribbled on the back.

Oh, an arm and a leg, and there both be mine!

Suppose you whisper to me, and I'll say I

say I found the photo in an antique shop in Harrogate.

That little girl we followed in here three days ago.

[GEOFF] Told me she were fourteen.

You got any pictures of her for sale in here?

Passport pictures, maybe? Your own work.

The snake girls the one you want, right?

Well, if she's niffy with reptiles, she'll be doing the clubs.

"The Mozambique." "Leathered Lady" "Saigon Armpits."

"The Stripper Tease."

They do mostly animals acts.

Oh, and, then there's "The Pride of it Empire."

There's a donkey there.

It farts to " Rule Britannia."

Bound to be at least one snake act there.

[MUSIC]

[DRUM ROLL]

[DRUM MUSIC]

Pick up someone your own age, buster.

[MUSIC]

Oh! Jesus.

Argh! Oh!

[COUGHING]

[MUSIC]

Ooh!

[MUSIC]

Not now, save it 'till Christmas.

[MUSIC]

Byron Lily of, ya want your bottom smacking!

[MUSIC]

Mrs. Frank Cross?

Yes.

Oh, please, don't be alarmed!

Might, I come in for a chat?

Hm.

Do you mind if I take off my shoes off?

Ooh! Ah!

There've not done ten miles yet, and there giving me jip!

Ooh, kitchen though there, is it? A cup of tea a be nice.

Settle us both down.

Now, er, tidy away anything sharp.

Is there a television camera with you?

No dear, why do you ask?

I thought it might be one of those programs.

No, dear, nothing like that.

I'm just your friendly Neighbourhood bobby.

You can call me, Alice.

Now, why don't make yourself nice and comfy, while I'm doing this.

Off you go.

I'll bring your tea in.

They tried it nice and strong.

I want to see you sitting really comfortably, when I came in with this tray.

Mugs, milk, sugar.

I think we'd better have lots of sugar.

Ah, that's more like it.

These feet chases skin heads of the beach any day!

Good, strong, and lots of sugar.

Now, can you honestly say your comfy sitting there?

You look a bit tense, to me.

Oh, what a lot of Cushions you have.

There something to fall back on.

So many imaginative ideas.

Jesus!

I know you're frightened.

But you wont be on your own. I shall be with you.

[EDITH] Now, we promised.

We'd go together, or we wouldn't go at all.

How could you forget that?

I don't break my promises.

I intend to keep my baby alive,

until were both good and ready.

Mummy!

-Beryl! But you were only... -I've grown!

[HETTY] Like topsy!

It's taken us a long time, but we finally persuaded, beryl that,

Chester isn't such a bad place to live, after all.

I want to open a club there, mummy.

A youth club?

More for your mature family man.

And I want you to meet, Axminster.

How do you do, Mr. Axminster.

It's not me!

Him!

[MUMBLES]

What a great silly you are, how could you think such a thing?

[MUMBLES]

-Hm. Erm. -2:30. "Work house Wally."

Hmm.

No, I'm not going to leave ya.

Who else a put up with you?

Hm.

Nobody's going to cart you away!

That's just nonsense, and you know it.

-Hm. -I didn't take you out of that

hospital, just so you could be straight back in!

Hmm.

-3:45. "River Dribble." -Hm.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Yes, I do still love you!

We love each other, always have done.

Though it hasn't always been easy, to tell.

-Hmm. -[KNOCKING]

[MUMBLING]

[FRANK MUMBLING]

Well, not that! We'll have no faces!

You look like an old sheep chewing turnips.

It won't be anyone important, it never is.

-Hmm. Hmm. -[EDITH] Oh, come in.

[BERNARD] In the front room?

You've a visitor, Frank?

[BERNARD] Hello dad.

Dad!

It's alright dad, don't be scarred. bite ya.

It's Bernard.

Your son.

We met three weeks ago.

We had a long talk about, mother.

Your first wife.

And, feet!

and, we went on the dodgems!

I don't think he knows who I am.

He looks so terrified!

It's just an expression he has.

Anything out the ordinary frightens him.

Isn't there anything you can give him to calm him down?

Well, a kiss and a cuddle, usually does the trick.

But, I don't like being watched.

Step into the hall, and take your jacket off,

then shoes. Shoes, are always a good idea.

Cos, he knows you have haven't come to take him away from me.

That's what he fears the most.

[FRANK'S INCOHERENT]

[FRANK MUMBLES]

I kept all your letters.

I'd expect you'd like them back.

He quite enjoyed reading them.

The ones that came before his stroke.

Made him very thoughtful.

I never opened the others.

One of them had a lot of stamps.

It was school reports.

Your sons?

Mine.

I thought he would be interested.

I'd have come sooner, if I'd known.

Well, I've been too busy for letter writing!

Would you mind if I read some of these?

No, not at all.

I'd like to here how you got on at school.

Bernard Shawcross, age seven.

Form 1B.

Bernard, seems, to be dogged by bad luck.

And I feel sure his work would improve,

if only something good were to happen to him.

At present, he seems to be a sad little boy,

for whom the world is a frightening place.

Do you think he's listening?

It's hard to tell sometimes, but I think he is.

Do go on, I'd like to know what happened.

Bernard Shawcross, aged thirteen.

Form 3B.

Bernard is a dreamer.

Who lacks attention,

energy, and sense of humour.

A good strong iron tonic would do him, and his boils the world of good.

The only subject, which appears to hold his interest is geography.

But frankly I cannot see Bernard,

obtaining the other qualities needed to become a great explorer.

[FRANK GROANING]

I think he's laughing.

Well, it did make a joke.

Mind, he does that when his bowels are on the move.

We shall know what it is in a minute.

Do go on.

This looks interesting.

Speaking as your financial director,

we only just made a profit out of Beryl Lilium!

Too much time we spent in strip clubs.

And speaking as your husband,

I'm getting bloody tired of frozen oven ready chips and peas!

Beat me daddy eight to the bar!

When Budapest was young.

A little boy that Santa Claus forgot.

[MUSIC]

Be like a kettle and sing! Hetty and her brothers, do you remember them?

♪ Why does the cow have four legs ♪

♪ I must find out some how ♪

♪ Well, you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know, and ♪ ♪ I don't like the cow, oi ♪

You always made me be the cow!

I could never manage the four legs. Kept tripping up over me udder!

[FRANK GROANS]

Here's our wedding reception.

What a lovely spread, Henty's mother, put on.

She were always kind to me.

Hetty wore that blue dress.

Quite out shone me.

Oh, I shan't both with that one.

Now, then,

what have we here?

Men thought she was just a good time, girl until...

One for you Frankie.

And here's one for me.

She was in utter despair, a victim of anaemia and nerves.

Tsk, tsk tsk, tsk.

Oh, here's that recipe for coconut pyramids again, Mary Evelyn.

Think I've done to your teeth.

How Mary Norman became another Yuralovely.

How can I turn the page, will you holding on me hand, like that?

Oh, I haven't got round to cutting those finger nails of yours. Did I?

Aah, my mother, before she were married.

Every thing turned out sepia in them days. Even the aspidistra!

Oh, look.

Here's that one of you and me, with that greyhound of yours.

[FRANK MUMBLING]

-You know, -[FRANK MUMBLING]

The one that eat your socks, and was ill for a month.

What's the matter, were fallen out?

Don't you want to hold me hand, any more?

Don't go to sleep, on me yet. I shall never get you back to bed!

What about another little chocolate?

I see.

We've to earn it, have we?

Your Uncle Ben,

and his fireman's uniform.

Mr. Ridley,

pretending to hold up Blackpool tower!

[GIGGLES]

Hetty and the boys again.

Erm, I don't know who this is.

Can't make it out any more.

Er,

It's hardly worth,

hardly worth keeping now.

Frankie?

Say something.

Make one of your noises!

Your not going yet.

Not on your own.

Not without me, I won't let ya!

You promised me!

We'd go together, or we wouldn't go at all!

Not what we agreed.

Please, Frankie.

Wait for me.

Just a little longer.

Please, baby!

Wait for me.

It's to late for any of that, now.

Frankie!

[MUSIC]

No.

[MUSIC]

[EDITH CRYING]

[MUSIC]

[EDITH CRYING AND STRUGGLING]

[MUSIC]

Your not in love with me, are ya?

no, of course not.

It's all right, then.

[MUSIC]

Do you travel every were in that thing at the rate payers expense?

I said clear as day It was only a tiny front door.

wanted shifting. You could have come on your bikes!

-You'd better wait here. -No way, buster!

I'm going in first to make sure she's decent.

She'd never forgive me.

Oof!

[KNOCKING]

[MUSIC]

♪ Come on baby lets dance tonight ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ The summer is close ♪ ♪ and you hold me tight ♪

♪ My big baby ♪

Ah.

[HUMMING]

Number four's got her small out to dry, already!

5 pairs of knickers, three bra's size 42 cup! Never seen such swank!

Room Service!

[HUMMING]

Ah! There was a woman in our road,

only fifty two, went on a diet to lose weight.

Pleased, with herself at first she lost so much.

Then got a bit depressed, and went off food entirely!

Before she knew were she was, they had her in the infirmary,

tied to the bed, with this drip thing up her hooter!

Ta-da!

Ah!

When you coming back?

She won't eat, and she won't talk to me.

She's driving me mad, and I daren't leave her.

It's her birthday tomorrow.

I'll get some response out of her, or perish in the attempt.

Happy birthday!

Look what the tooth fairy has brought.

If you don't want me to sleep in this bed, you've only to say.

It's no fun for me either, you know. You're not exactly Ronald Coleman!

But I am not sleeping downstairs, and I am not lugging that bed

back to the so-called quest room, on my own.

It's from your best friend.

How nice of her to remember.

Now you can to that bathroom and back on your own, now our Edith.

And if you can get as far as that, you can blooming well slide down those stairs!

'cause tonight, is party night!

And that's not an invitation, it's a summons!

HETTY STRUGGLING]

Getting up's the easy part. Ooh!

[TOO-WIT TOO-WOO]

Ah-oh!

[CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC]

Ooh!

It used to take half an hour to get into, and seconds to get out of.

All done by practice.

[MUSIC]

Stop torturing yourself Hetty Wainthropp, and find something that'll stretch!

[MUSIC]

Oh!

[HUMMING]

[MUSIC]

Do you wanna wash first?

[MUSIC]

Okay. It's okay by me.

Can't smell a thing with these sinuses!

Your party clothes are laid out in the spare room, madam.

[MUSIC]

Come on, you can't get dressed lying down.

Don't waste the evil eye on me, Edith Merryman.

Woman, twice your size have tried that,

and they all ended up needing bifocals.

Come on!

lets give your bed sores a night off.

[MUSIC]

Oof

Now er, I want every body up on there feet for this one!

Hetty, Pauline we're nearly up!

Up you get Wynn, don't worry about your wooden leg!

[MUSIC]

He returned Ruby, Phyllis, Pearl, Peggy, pissing Totty, Hetty, Timmy,

and Edith!

[MUSIC]

Your all right rat bag.

I've still got a couple of tricks up me sleeve.

We know what's got sniffly Edith's snickers in a knot, don't we!

Yes!

We know why she's looking like a carrot arse scrape, don't we!

Yes!

You work! You slave! You worry so! What you can't take your doe. When you go, go, go.

See! There he is, he's come back to you!

Let's wrap a minute! Sheet or the cremation!

Frank's dead! They buried him last week.

You weren't fit to attend.

I took some of this and I bought three wreaths.

One from his son. One from me,

and the best and the biggest I could find from you!

They played "Now is the Hour," "Ave Maria",

and "The Holy City." You would have approved, I'm sure.

He's died, and you have to let him go!

I'm sorry for spoiling your plans.

But, as your oldest and dearest friend,

I should have been consulted.

It's all down to luck who goes first, and you lost!

And now you're being a bad loser.

Here!

What?

Lets see him go!

Lets burn him!

This time you're fit to attend.

[CRYING]

That's a start, girl.

Let them come for gods sake!

[CRYING]

[HETTY] Here, take that.

[CRYING]

[HETTY] Let him go.

[HETTY] Help him on his way.

[CRYING]

That'll do. We need the rest for a holiday!

[BOTH CRYING]

[SOFT MUSIC]

[BOTH CRYING]

Come on. Come on.

[BOTH CRYING]

Go on.

-[BOTH CRYING] -SOFT MUSIC]

You be the woman, I'll lead. Eh?

It won't harm him to wait a bit longer, for ya.

There can't be much to rush about for where he is.

[CRYING]

[MUSIC]