Original subtitles

- [Announcer] And when I started Laugh Free or Die,

this next comic was there,

and he was there for a long time.

He's one of the funniest guys around.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for Mr. Matt Farley.

(audience cheering and applauding)

- Feeling really good tonight.

Thanks for coming out.

Had to break up with my girlfriend,

because we have nothing in common.

She really liked me and I hate myself.

If my last name was Talk,

I would name my son Lester.

And then he'd become a DJ on the radio,

and he'd say, you're listening to more music with Les Talk.

Thank you.

(some laughing)

I recently got a kitchen counter.

It's because I have so many kitchens,

sometimes I lose track.

I have a friend,

he works in a factory that produces traffic lights.

You know, red, yellow, and green traffic lights,

and one day I was driving,

and he was in the passenger seat,

and the light was yellow and it turned red,

so I stopped.

And he turned to me and he said,

"Dude, I could've made that light."

(light laughing)

When I was a kid, I had trouble reading,

and so my parents brought me to the doctor,

and the doctor gave me reading glasses.

And it kinda helped, but I was still having trouble,

so they brought me back to the doctor,

and said, "Doctor, he's still having trouble,

"what could it be?"

And the doctor said, "Your son is stupid."

A friend of mine was getting ready for a big date.

So he sprayed cologne all over himself.

And he came up to me and he said, "How do I smell?"

And I said, "By breathing in through your nose."

(some laughing)

But I'm very happy to report that I recently

won the heart of a beautiful woman.

That's right.

It was part of a charity auction at the hospital.

The guy next to me won her spleen.

(light laughing)

I went to the dentist the other day

for a routine cleaning.

Don't you hate going to the dentist?

That's the worst, seriously.

The worst part about it is after the hygienist

is done cleaning your teeth,

and then the dentist comes in,

and he's gotta check each tooth

by licking it with his tongue.

Don't you hate that part?

(light laughing)

In the land of the talking alphabet,

all of the letters were talking

at a reasonable level, except for the F.

The F was talking so loudly,

that the H turned to the G and said,

"Will you shut the F up?"

(some laughing)

Sorry.

I don't if you're up to date with the news,

but have you heard about this guy

who's riding a street sweeper

from Massachusetts to California?

I'm surprised you guys haven't heard about it,

because it's sweeping the nation.

(some laughing)

Alright, I'm running low on time.

I don't think I'm gonna have time

to do my jump rope joke, so skip it.

Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna have time

for the memory joke, either.

Just forget it.

And lastly, I'm gonna perform a song for you guys

in a second.

This is a beautiful song.

It's by my band called The Toilet Bowl Cleaners.

We do nothing but songs about poop.

And we have this album

called Celebrities Fart And Poop Just Like You And Me.

Alright, this is called, Scarlett Johansson Farts.

Download it when you get home off iTunes, everybody.

(bright piano music)

♪ She's so pretty and she's so great ♪

♪ Acting in movies, singing songs by Tom Waits ♪

♪ She is the woman of so many men's dreams ♪

♪ Sometimes she releases stinky steam ♪

♪ Oh where oh where is that stench coming from ♪

♪ It's coming from Scarlett Johansson's bum ♪

♪ Oh where oh where is that stench coming from ♪

♪ It's coming from Scarlett Johansson's bum ♪

♪ Scarlett Johansson farts ♪

♪ When a girl is so poised and so pretty as she ♪

♪ And is a famous and talented celebrity ♪

♪ You'd think that God created her ♪

♪ With so much wisdom that he decided ♪

♪ Not to bog her down with a digestive system ♪

♪ But where oh where is that stench coming from ♪

♪ It's coming from Scarlett Johansson's bum ♪

♪ Oh where oh where is that stench coming from ♪

♪ It's coming from Scarlett Johansson's bum ♪

♪ Because Scarlett Johansson farts ♪

♪ Scarlett Johansson farts ♪

Thank you. (cheering and clapping)

- [Announcer] Matt Farley, everybody.

How about it for Matt Farley? (clapping)

- Your music kinda reminds me of Billy Joel.

I mean that as a compliment.

- Oh, I take it as a compliment.

I have every one of his albums.

- No way, I do, too.

I love that Italian restaurant song.

- Oh yeah, Billy's and underappreciated songwriter.

He gets no respect.

And now that I think about it,

I don't have all of his live albums,

but I have all the studio albums.

- Well I have all of them

and I live right around the corner.

Come on, I'll show you.

- Okay.

I've seen Greatest Hits One, Two, and Three,

but that's all I see for Billy Joel here.

- [Abby] Yep, that's it.

- Well that's not the entire Billy Joel catalog.

- I don't know, I just figured that was all of his stuff.

- You can't have the Greatest Hits

if you don't have an original album

that the hits are on.

I mean, he's got Turnstiles, Nylon Curtain,

Innocent Man, The Stranger.

He had like 12 albums.

- I guess I'll have to check those out sometime.

Here, have some wine.

- Oh, no, that's okay.

I gotta get going, have a good one.

She didn't even have River of Dreams or Storm Front.

I mean, I was suspicious when she told me

she had the whole catalog,

but I figured she's gotta have those two albums.

Does she really believe that Billy

only releases greatest hits?

- You know, it was probably just a lame excuse

to invite you over, right?

- Yeah yeah, I know, I know.

She wanted to kiss me.

But it's so ridiculous.

I'm supposed to kiss this girl that I've just met

because she likes my song,

and she claims to have the entire Billy Joel catalog?

- Yes.

That's what society expects of us in these situations.

- She either believes that Billy Joel only has three albums,

or she willfully lied to trick me

into coming into her lair.

Either way, I am not impressed.

Not impressed.

Oh and she had wine for me.

Wine, I mean.

Do people drink wine?

- Most people.

- If she had come into that room

with a couple of glasses of coffee milk,

then I would've respected her.

I would forgive her of the Billy Joel discrepancy

because of the coffee milk.

- Coffee milk?

- State drink of Rhode Island.

Alright, let's get to work.

- [Tom] What are we doing here?

- Well I made this video for my other animal songs,

and it increased sales,

so I'm thinking we can do one for the goldfish,

and it might increase sales of that one, too.

- From one song a year to two songs a year?

I'll take it.

- So what we're gonna do is,

I'm just gonna point the camera here,

you stand there with your guitar,

I'll stand next to you, I'll lip sync.

We'll dance around, it'll take five minutes.

- Okay. - Let's do this.

(upbeat music)

♪ I called my goldfish ♪

♪ He no responded ♪

♪ My goldfish dead ♪

♪ I'm quite despondent ♪

♪ I called my goldfish ♪

♪ He didn't make any sound ♪

♪ He was floating upside-down ♪

♪ I had to flush him down the toilet ♪

♪ Spinnin' round and round ♪

♪ Round and round and round and round ♪

♪ Bye bye goldfish ♪

♪ Bye bye, so long, goldfish ♪

♪ So long goldfish ♪

♪ Bye bye, so long, goldfish ♪

♪ Do you know how it is to like a goldfish ♪

♪ La la la la like a goldfish ♪

♪ Do you know how it is to ♪

♪ La la la la love a goldfish ♪

♪ I called my goldfish ♪

♪ Come here goldfish ♪

♪ But it didn't respond to me ♪

♪ Because he's dead ♪

(upbeat rock music)

- [Matt] Tom Scalzo and I formed Moes Haven

in the late 1990s when we were both students

at Providence College in Rhode Island.

For the next 15 years,

we released 23 albums and two Greatest Hits collections.

We were unstoppable songwriting machines.

In 2006, we put out an album

for every month of the year.

Our goal was to meld the styles

of Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, and Pink Floyd

into a musical concoction that would rock the world.

It didn't quite work out that way, however,

and after 15 years of total obscurity,

we put the band on hiatus.

But fear not, Moes Haven fans,

the reunion record has already been scheduled.

In 2023, we're going to release,

Several Supreme Beings Told Us To Make This One Last Album.

It's gonna be real good, real good.

I still dream that Moes Haven

will one day get the recognition we deserve,

so I leave our CDs in random places everywhere I go,

in the hopes that someone will happen upon it,

take it home, become a fan,

tell their friends about it.

I think it's called guerrilla marketing.

- Marvelous Matt Farley, how are ya?

- Millhouse, good to see ya.

- I've been meaning to get a hold of you.

I'm doing a big show for the Manchester Comedy Showcase.

Do you want in?

- Yeah yeah, of course, absolutely.

- It's gonna be at the auditorium

at The Manchester Art Institute.

1,500 people.

It's gonna be a huge moment for New England comedy.

- So were you thinking comedy or music?

- Whatever you wanna do.

Are you still in that band?

- We're on hiatus, but yeah,

I'm still putting out my own stuff.

- I wanna hear your band.

Moss Heaven?

- It's Moes Haven.

If you hurry, you can grab a CD right over there.

- Excellent, here's a flyer.

♪ Operates ♪

♪ With all of this commotion ♪

♪ Why did your sister come along ♪

♪ Why did she come along ♪

- [Matt] Once or twice a week,

I meet up at this park

with my friend Soup for a best of seven,

one-on-one basketball series.

We like to pretend to be classic NBA players.

For this one, I'm Reggie Miller, and he's Bill Lambert.

Watch me take this trademark Reggie Miller three.

Look at this.

It goes in, by the way.

Oh, and Soup, meanwhile,

is elbowing me, just like Lambert used to do

before he gets his cheap shot down low.

Not very cool, not very cool at all,

but what can you do?

♪ What I wouldn't give for a girl ♪

♪ Who shared what it what there is look at love and life ♪

(beeping)

♪ I'd take her to the Bahama Hotel ♪

- I'm up three games to two, my friend.

- Imagine if we had a statistician.

If we could get someone to keep track of points,

rebounds, steals, blocks, shooting percentage,

that would be great.

- I don't think someone can keep track

of shooting percentage with all those.

- I could.

- Well I could, too.

I just can't imagine getting someone that good

to take our stats.

- I would pay someone 10 dollars an hour

to get someone to keep track of our stats.

Even without shooting percentage.

In this economy, I'd bet we get some takers.

- I can put an ad on Craig's List if you want.

(cell phone ringing)

- Do it.

Hello?

- [Abby] Do you have plans tonight?

- Who is this?

- It's Abby, from the other night.

Can I come over and see you tonight?

I need to talk to you.

- Well I gotta work at 10:00.

I'll be home until around 9:30.

- [Abby] Can I come see you around 8:00?

- Okay yeah, sure.

Any reason?

- [Abby] I'll tell you when I get there.

Text me your address.

- Okay.

So, the fake Billy Joel fan

wants to come over and see me tonight.

- She sounds very forward.

- I know, I'd seriously rather walk around

and listen to the Red Sox game,

but how often does a girl invite herself over?

I guess I gotta do it.

- You've gotta go for it.

(light instrumental music)

♪ I got sunglasses on and it's midnight ♪

♪ I can't see the road if I walk ♪

♪ I got snare drums sinking in the moonlight ♪

♪ And boy, I just can't go on ♪

- You're probably wondering why I'm here.

- Yeah, I rarely have women invite themselves

over to my place.

- Yeah, sure you don't.

I'm here because my boyfriend Norm broke up with me,

and I'm very sad about it.

All my friends offered to be with me tonight

and spend time with me,

but I didn't want to be with them.

I just wanted to be with you.

You can cheer me up.

'Cause you're so funny.

- Yeah, but you've only ever seen me up on stage.

That's all material.

I'm not funny in person.

Especially with these lofty expectations.

I don't know if I'm up to it.

- See?

You're already making me smile.

I'm gonna order a pizza.

(light music)

- I leave for art school in a few weeks in Boston.

Will you miss me?

- Well, I don't really know you,

so I think I'll be okay.

What are you gonna study?

- Costume design.

- Oh cool.

So would you do stuff for like Broadway shows?

- God, I hope not.

That would be awful.

They aren't to be worn.

- Well, why else would you make costumes?

- For display.

- Uh huh.

- Do you feel guilty about making music

that's so commercial?

- No, no, not at all.

- This stuff is good,

but you said yourself,

that some of your other songs are crap.

- Sure, but it's a job.

I mean, in a couple hours,

I could be wiping some old man's butt for money.

So I really have no qualms about making

silly songs for money. (phone rings)

- Oh my God, it's Norm.

Hello?

Yes, yes.

Yes.

I'm at Pappy's, getting some pizza.

No no no, I'll come to your place.

I'm almost done.

Bye.

He wants to see me.

- Great.

Well, congratulations.

You told him you were at Pappy's?

- If he knew I was with you, he'd flip.

He's very jealous.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

- Okay, well, good luck.

- I'm so sorry I suggested

that your songs weren't true works of art.

It just bothers me when commerce

gets in the way of creativity.

- Of course, yeah.

That's a common sentiment.

(rock music)

So this is where I've been working

for the last few years.

It's a non-profit place for old people

who can't afford a better retirement home.

I work three nights a week, 10:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.,

and it's a dream job because I just sleep there,

except for when I'm woken with a diaper emergency,

which does happen from time to time.

Now if this movie was better,

I would show you the whole retirement home,

but they wouldn't actually let me film there,

and it's not like I could build a whole set.

So this little scene you're seeing

was shot in the spare bedroom of my parents' house.

That's what you gotta do when you're making

a homemade movie like this.

♪ Within an inch of his life ♪

(grunting)

- Jesus, how can you lose 50 dollars?

- Look, no one's keeping you man, alright?

- 50 dollars.

How am I gonna pay the rent?

- When I was 13, I got my hands on a video camera,

and made a movie.

It's pretty common for a teenager to do

something like that.

What's uncommon is the fact that I never

quite grew out of it.

Soup and I were the stars

of this 1997 classic called Seeking Freedom.

It's filled with lots of poor acting,

and weak action moments like this one.

- Get up, get started on him.

- [Matt] In college, I met Charlie Rocksburg,

and we've been making movies together ever since.

With each movie we make,

the production gets a little bit bigger,

and a little bit more expensive,

but they're all still backyard style productions,

filmed with friends and family.

That's Tom Scalzo right there playing my friend

in Monsters, Marriage, and Murder in Manchvegas.

Our 2009 release.

Lately, each movie we make costs about

as much as a 10 year old used car would cost.

We save up for a few years,

and then spend it all on our newest movie.

Of course, these movies earn us almost nothing,

but it's so much fun.

I'd rather have a bunch of movies

than a bunch of used cars.

(action music)

Of course, I'm not opposed to earning money

from the movies,

so I might as well let you all know

that they're all available for sale

at Amazon.com.

Feel free to buy 'em.

We'd be honored.

♪ I'm runnin' with my baby, I'm runnin' ♪

- [Matt] I own a car,

but I try not to use it,

because walking is the best.

I walk just about everywhere,

all around the city of Manchester.

It's a lot of fun. (phone ringing)

♪ Toward the finish line of love ♪

- Hello?

- [Abby] Norm and I got back together.

- Oh, that's great.

I'm very happy for you guys.

- Can I come over and watch Freaky Farley with you tonight?

- I can't do it tonight.

- Why not?

- The Red Sox are playing tonight.

Whenever they play,

I go walking around town,

listening to 'em on my headphones.

- Neat.

Can I come with you?

- I don't think you could keep up with my walking pace.

Besides, don't you wanna hang out with your boyfriend?

- He doesn't own me.

What about tomorrow night?

- They're playing tomorrow night.

- The next night?

- Yeah, same.

- After that?

- Yeah, they do, yeah.

They have the day off that night.

- Cool.

I'll come over around 8:00, okay?

- Okay, Thursday.

I'll see you then. ♪ And you left 'em in the dust ♪

- [Matt] Geeze, this girl is a little pushy,

don't you think?

Anyway, I'm a big fan of walking,

and the only downside to walking

is that you're susceptible to weirdos like this guy,

who I've come across many a times

in my adventures walking through town.

- Hey buddy, you know where the homeless shelter is?

I'm picking my friend up at the bus station tonight

and I need to get him to the shelter.

- I know it's somewhere in that direction,

but I don't know exactly where it is.

- So you need a ride?

- No, I'm fine, thanks.

I've had this exact conversation with this guy

at least three times this year.

He's always pulling up to me,

asking for direction to the homeless shelter

for his friend.

Very strange.

(upbeat music)

♪ Theodora ♪

♪ Theodora Theodora ♪

♪ Theodora ♪

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Matthew?

Are you busy?

- Just singin' some name songs,

but I can take a break.

- Can you bet at our meeting spot in five minutes?

- You bet I can.

Kevin McGee was the supervisor

at my first job out of college.

About a month after I met him,

I had him playing the villain in my latest movie.

Watch this.

- Quick, give me the helmet.

I'll help you.

This way.

(crashing)

- [Matt] He's gone on to play the villain

in most of our movies.

Although he did have the rare chance

to play the hero in Don't Let The River Beast Get You.

Watch this amazing heroic performance right here.

- I'm Frank Stone,

former professional athlete.

Get ready for the beat down of your life.

(growling)

(intense music)

So you were out with her for about an hour

before she got tired of you

and then decided to go back with her boyfriend?

- Essentially, yes.

- And there was no physical contact?

- None whatsoever.

- That's a shame.

- I don't even like this girl.

You want me to have physical contact with her?

- Yes.

- It's not gonna happen.

She claimed to own the complete Billy Joel collection.

All she had were his greatest hits.

- She's probably more attracted to you

because you're so aloof.

She thinks there's something wrong with her.

- And that's good?

- Oh that's good.

It's killing her.

She's thinking, "Why doesn't he like me?"

She's nuts over you.

- Well she's at least nuts.

We know that much.

Now listen to this,

she wants to go to art school

to learn to make costumes, okay?

- Okay I'm with you.

- Now you're a man who knows a lot about the world,

so tell me,

why would a person want to make costumes?

- Why would someone make costumes?

- Yeah, like what do you think the costumes

would be used for?

- It would be used for a show on stage right?

- One would think.

But not this girl.

She would be insulted if her costumes were used on stage.

She only wants to make them for display.

- Like someone hangs them on the wall?

- Yes, that is what she wants to do with her costumes.

Ugh!

I hate artistic people.

And then she has the gall to question

the artistic merits of my songs.

- Your songs are art.

That much I know.

- Thank you.

About five years ago I was taking a look

at the best selling Moes Haven songs from the previous year.

You see, Tom and I have written some

of the greatest rock songs of the 21st century,

but we also have a tendency to write

some really silly novelty songs.

And it turns out those novelty songs

are the only songs that were earning us any money at all.

Shut Up Your Monkey was our number one song in 2007.

In all we had about 100 novelty songs

that were earning us two dollars per song per year.

That's a total of $200 a year.

Not too impressive.

However, I am a songwriting machine,

and I though to myself,

I could make 20,000 of these novelty songs.

If they each earn me about two dollars a year

that would be $40,000.

That would be impressive.

So I immediately got to work

on an insanely enormous novelty song writing project.

I would change the name of the artist or band

depending on the theme of the album.

But it was always just me making the music.

So Papa Razzi and the Photogs is the alter ego I use

when I do songs about celebrities,

and I have thousands of songs about celebrities.

Seriously, look it up on iTunes.

Search any celebrity you know,

chances are I have a song about that person.

If I don't, please contact me.

I'll add it to the list for the next album.

♪ It's called the diarrhea bounce back ♪

When I'm doing songs about poop,

I call myself the Toilet Bowl Cleaners.

And the poop songs are really big hits for me,

by my standards of course,

which means like $10 per song per year,

but that's huge.

Turns out when people are done searching

for the latest pop hits at a music website,

they get bored and they start searching

for really weird words.

Eventually one of those words

that they're gonna search for is poop,

and when they do that they're gonna

find the Toilet Bowl Cleaners,

and I'm gonna make a little bit of money.

It's pretty cool.

I have a song about almost every topic you could think of.

This here is a list of just some

of the other band and artist names I use.

Currently I'm up to 13,000 songs, very proud.

♪ Toilet water mixed with poo ♪

Millhouse good to see you man.

- Marvelous Matt Farley how are you?

Been meaning to talk to you.

Change of plans.

The comedy show at the art institute,

it's now gonna be at the Shaskeen.

- That's still cool

- It's frustrating.

There's a lot of politics in putting on a show.

But I'm pressing on.

- That's awesome man.

We need people like you.

- Oh and by the way,

I played that goldfish song for my nephew,

he loved it.

- Cool man, thanks for checking it out.

- If you want, you could have your buddy Tom

perform with you.

You've gotta do that goldfish song.

- [Matt] You hear that?

The album he's talk about is called Stromboli's Alarm Clock.

And it has 15 wonderful Dylan-esque songs of love,

and one song about a dead goldfish.

And the dead goldfish song is the only song

that anyone notices.

It's a little be frustrating,

but you know what?

I'm just gonna give the people what they want.

Currently I'm doing name songs,

where I sing a different person's name

for each song.

I have a list of 1,700 names,

and I am just working my way through it.

Some days I can get as many as a 125 songs done

in that day.

It's so exhausting,

and I have to fight the part of me

that wants to take it easy.

It's almost like I'm the artist working

for the record company,

but I'm also the boss of the record company.

In my head it looks a little something like this.

- Make yourself comfortable.

Here, yourself a little coffee milk.

- Thanks.

- Okay, down to business.

I've noticed that the songs about food

are selling very well.

People love the Hungry Food Band.

So I made a list.

95 more food song ideas I want them all done by Thursday.

No excuses.

They're gonna be big hits.

- Does the world really need a song about gluten?

- I searched for gluten on iTunes,

I searched for gluten on Spotify.

Almost nothing came up.

When people search gluten, they're gonna find this song

that you're gonna make about gluten

and they're gonna love it.

Now don't waste too much time making these songs.

We only have until Thursday.

Don't write the lyrics ahead of time

just make it up as you go.

People don't care.

They just want a song about gluten,

it doesn't have to be good.

Time is money sonny.

Time is money.

- So I'm gonna be doing this comedy show

that Millhouse is running,

and I was thinking maybe I could talk to Tom

and bring Moes Haven back together for it.

- Moes Haven.

Moes Haven, kid I got nothing but Moes Haven disks

sitting around this office.

They're not moving.

Nobody wants Moes Haven songs.

They want songs about animals.

They want songs about food.

They want songs about celebrities.

And they want songs with their names in them.

Make more of those.

- Yeah but you know,

what about creativity and art?

- You and Tom wasted a decade writing songs for Moes Haven.

Nobody bought any of them.

People want novelty songs.

Now get to work.

Also I want a video about the food songs.

The video for the animal songs was a big success.

We're doing it for food.

- Okay, okay.

- [Matt] Introducing the Hungry Food Band,

possibly the best food song band in the whole entire world.

♪ Tasty, tasty, tasty gum ♪

♪ Gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum ♪

♪ Lactose ♪

there are some people on this earth

who will not tolerate lactose.

♪ Should you eat margarine ♪

♪ Or should you eat butter ♪

♪ Eat gluten and you're gonna die ♪

♪ If you don't wanna die, then don't eat gluten ♪

♪ If you get between me and my cookies for breakfast ♪

♪ Then I'm gonna have to punch you right in the face ♪

♪ Sing it ♪

♪ Cookies for breakfast ♪

The Hungry Food Band,

available on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon, and more.

Okay, think about it though.

We're billionaires.

We have all the time in the world to do whatever we want.

We could shoot from half court 16 hours a day

until we get to the point

where we're hitting 45% of our shots.

That could valuable to an NBA team.

- Well, even if we get to 45%

I mean you put a six six guy in front of us

we're useless.

- I don't know.

I mean our presence on the court would at least

extend their defense.

- You know I would take that time

to perfect the knuckle ball.

Even at our age,

I could practice 16 hours a day for five years,

go pro, and still pitch for a decade.

- That makes more sense,

but you know the more I think about it here,

we're billionaires.

Why are we trying to break into these leagues.

We gotta make them come to us.

We have a league right here.

We get our own cable network

devoted to our one-on-one games.

We hire commentators to report on it.

- Yeah.

I would hire really important people

to do really menial tasks.

- I like that.

Like we could Bob Costas like a million dollars

to wipe up our sweat every time

we fall on the ground.

He couldn't refuse that.

He could not refuse that.

Or how about this?

Get the best mathematicians at NASA,

offer them 10 times what they're earning

to keep track of our stats.

- Yeah I gotta post that ad.

- Matt Farley.

- Yes sir.

- I just watched Freaky Farley.

- Oh that's great.

- You won't believe where I found it.

- Did you find it leaning

against the HippoPress dispenser over on Elm Street?

- How did you know?

- I put it there myself.

- So you're production office is over there.

- Yeah, it's just my little apartment

on the top floor over there.

Some people might call it an attic.

It's not too glamorous.

- So I noticed your address on the DVD,

and I noticed it was near where I live.

So once I finished watching the movie,

I walked over here.

- Oh that's great man.

Thanks for watching!

- I wasn't too impressed with the storyline.

- Yeah?

- I have quite a few storyline ideas

that'd be much better.

- Oh that's great man.

We do the best we can, but thanks for watching.

- Okay.

- Isn't that priceless?

I have one stalker fan

and he waits outside my apartment

to tell me the storyline of my movie needs work.

Everyone's a critic.

I'll admit it,

just about everyday I search the internet

for reviews of my music and movies,

and one day I found this really positive review on IMDb.

It was so good that I immediately called Charlie

to tell him about it.

Charlie, this is Farley.

Hey I just read a really good review

for Manchvegas on IMDb.

It calls us authors.

- Yeah I'm pretty sure my mom wrote that.

- Oh.

Well that kind of takes a little bit of the thrill out of it

but hey at least she liked it, right?

- Yeah, we got that going for us.

- My mom liked it too.

Once I went to visit my Uncle Bruce and Auntie Janet,

and they had a not-so-subtle way of showing me

that they weren't too impressed with the movies.

- So we watched your latest movie.

- Uh huh.

- Seems like you might have a little bit of potential.

- Thank you.

- So we picked up this book, just for you.

- Maybe you'll get better and learn a few techniques.

- Wow, yeah, thank you.

Thank you for thinking of me.

The first lesson in that book is never have a narrator.

(dramatic music)

Charlie and I love to make ridiculous,

straight-faced comedies disguised as horror movies.

They're not scary in the least,

and that's part of the joke that some people

don't really appreciate.

So just look at this death scene from Freaky Farley.

The proper response is to laugh,

but some people get outraged by it

and say, "That doesn't look real at all."

- That doesn't look real at all.

- That's fine.

I mean we want our violence to look fake.

- Why would you do that?

- It's a comedy.

- It looks like a horror movie to me.

- Well you know like in the tradition

of Silent Night, Deadly Night Two

and Slumber Party Massacre III,

it's a comedy disguised as a horror movie.

I mean the plot's totally ridiculous

and we're just having fun out there.

- Nice, someone wants to buy my bike.

- Oh yeah?

- I just posted the ad this morning,

and I already got a hit on it.

It's good though because I need the extra cash for school.

- Oh that's cool.

My buddy Soup posted an ad on Craigslist.

We're trying to find someone

who will keep track of stats

for our one-on-one basketball games.

- Norm doesn't know I'm here you know.

- Oh yeah?

- And he doesn't get jealous either.

You can sit on the bed next to me if you want

and we can just cuddle as friends or whatever.

- But last time I saw you,

you lied about being at Pappy's specifically

because you said he gets jealous.

- Well what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

That's all I'm saying.

- No that's alright.

I'm pretty comfortable here.

Cuddling kind of makes my arm fall asleep.

- Well just so you now,

I'm not one to kiss and tell.

So if you and I ever hooked up

you wouldn't have to worry about me blabbing.

- Alright, I'll keep that in mind.

Thanks.

Recruitment day.

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Do you want me to pause it?

- No this movie's kind of ridiculous.

(dramatic music)

And welcome to the first edition

of the Freaky Farley show.

(laughs)

I'll be taking your calls.

(rock music)

- Abby is everything okay in there?

- Yeah you can come in.

- Hey, is everything okay?

- Norm just texted me to say he wants to break up again.

- Uh huh.

- He wants to meet with me face to face.

Do you mind if he comes over here?

- Yes, yes, I would definitely mind that.

Very bad idea.

Why don't you just have him pick you up outside?

- Okay, I'll tell him to meet me outside.

Sorry we can't watch the rest of your movie.

- No problem, it's over anyway.

- You guys obviously have filmmaking abilities.

It's a shame you don't use them to make stuff

that deals with real issues.

You know stuff like Blue Valentine or Take This Waltz.

You know, real art.

- Real art.

Yeah, thank you for the tip.

Over the years I've gotten pretty good at politely accepting

unsolicited advice about my movies

from people who don't know anything about making movies.

Not that I know anything about making movies,

but at least I've made a few.

Take a look at this.

This time I went to a get together

with all these long lost relatives I didn't even know

and some fifth cousin twice removed

pulled me aside to share this wisdom with me.

- So I understand that you're making your way

into the film profession?

- Well I wouldn't say I wouldn't say

I make any progress into the business of film,

but you know my friends and I are making movies.

- My wife Janice and I, you met her right?

- Yeah, I think so,

but I've been losing track

with all those long lost relatives in there.

- Anyway, we watched this interesting news report

about film festivals.

- Yeah.

- Do you know about film festivals?

Because it seems like that's the way to get

from where you are to now to where you wanna be.

- Film festivals huh?

- Film festivals.

- Yeah I'll look into it, yeah.

Thank you for the tip.

- Film festivals.

- [Matt] That was his big advice for me.

He thinks that I've made several feature films

and didn't know that film festivals exist.

I know that they exist.

And I know that they're stupid.

I know this because I have been rejected by dozens of them.

I mean dozens and dozens and dozens of them.

♪ But that's what he did ♪

♪ That darn draft skipper ♪

♪ While I was in the Pacific theater ♪

♪ Winning one for the Gipper ♪

♪ And he wooed my woman with his sophomore charm ♪

♪ While an enemy bullet got lodged in my arm ♪

- So this is gonna be in the art school auditorium?

- Oh no, it fell through.

Actually it's fallen through twice.

First it was gonna be at the art school,

but then something fell through with Millhouse,

he had to move it to the back room of the Shaskeen,

but he just texted me this morning,

and that fell through,

and it's gonna be in his mom's basement now.

- Well that seems about appropriate.

- I know.

I can't believe we're wasting our time right now

rehearsing for a show in a basement.

- It's the life of low level entertainers.

- It's so sad.

All we wanna do is entertain people,

and we can't find anyone who wants our entertainment.

- So is this Abby girl coming to the show?

- I hope not.

I haven't told her about it.

This girl is crazy man.

Like seriously crazy.

- Oh, she's a sociopath.

She only cares about herself.

She can't love anyone.

- That is an accurate assessment.

- [Tom] Okay, well do you wanna do a new song

called She Sobbed in My Shower.

- Yes, yeah, let's do it.

A minor seven, E minor seven.

And...

♪ She sobbed in my shower ♪

♪ While I was watching Freaky Farley ♪

♪ For the 127th time ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ After she had been in my shower ♪

♪ For 25 minutes I knocked on the door ♪

♪ And I said is everything okay ♪

♪ She said everything's fine ♪

♪ I'm just said because my boyfriend ♪

♪ And I are having trouble ♪

♪ This girl is crazy ♪

♪ She's a sociopath ♪

♪ She doesn't know how to love ♪

♪ She only thinks about herself ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ In a couple weeks though ♪

♪ She's moving to Boston to study ♪

♪ Costume design ♪

♪ In the time between now and then ♪

♪ I'm gonna have to screen my calls ♪

A minor seven.

Most people are very protective

of their personal phone number.

I am not one of those people.

In fact that's my number right there

on the screen right here.

Call me any time you want.

I put the phone number in the credits

of all the movies I make,

and I even sing it in a lot of my songs.

For instance, listen here.

♪ My number's 603-644-0048 ♪

The businessman part of my personality

loves it when I give out my number in a song.

- You've got to sing your phone number in more songs.

This is brilliant marketing kid.

Brilliant.

- Okay.

- Think of it.

Somebody dials the number

and speaks with the actual recording artist.

What do you think they're gonna do

when they're done talking with you?

- That someone will tell his or her friends.

- We call it word of mouth.

Now you're thinking like a businessman kid.

It's good to see you getting your head out of the clouds.

- Do you think I should offer to write songs

about the people who call me?

- I think I've completely taken over

your side of our personality.

- I'm with you man.

I hate artists.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- [Woman] Is this the guy from the song about Justin Bieber?

- Yup, yeah that's me, yup.

- [Woman] Oh my God, my friends and I love your song.

I can't believe this is your real number.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty shameless.

Thank you for calling.

If you want me to do a song about you and your friends,

you can just text me your names and a little info

about yourselves and I'll put it on the next album.

- [Woman] Oh my God!

He's gonna do a song about us!

- Alright, have a good one.

♪ Oh Hannah, Lilly, and Samantha ♪

♪ They're very nice friends ♪

♪ Yes they are ♪

♪ Hannah's on the soccer team ♪

♪ Lilly loves Justin Bieber ♪

♪ Samantha knows how to play the violin ♪

♪ She's very talented ♪

♪ They like to go out to the movies ♪

♪ Every weekend because that's what they do ♪

♪ Their names are Hannah and Lilly and Samantha ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- [Man] Is this Freaky Farley?

- Yes, yes it is.

- [Man] Dude, your movie is a riot.

- Oh cool thank you for watching.

- [Man] My friends and I caught it on public access

at three in the morning.

We wanted to call but we thought you might be sleeping.

- Yeah I was sleeping.

I'll take a call any time though.

- [Man] You are a legend man.

- Thanks.

Hey text me your address.

I'll mail you some free DVDs.

- [Man] That would be beef man!

- Cool.

Soup.

Alright folks, before we continue with the movie,

just watch this, look at that.

Swish!

That was one take.

So anyway, I'm a bit of a sucker for the fans.

People call me and I just offer them

free stuff all the time.

It's kind of pathetic but anyone out there

who wants a free DVD, free CD,

want me to write a song about you,

just give me a call.

603-644-0048.

After you've been walking five, six, seven, eight miles

you're gonna notice that your fingers

start to get a little puffy.

It's because the gravity is causing the blood

to collect down there.

So what I do, is every once in a while,

I hold my hands over my head just let it drain out.

- Hey Farley.

Hey what's going on?

Pedroia hit a home run?

- No, no, I'm just trying to get the blood out of my hands.

When you're walking at least eight miles,

the blood starts to collect in your fingers

and what you gotta do is you gotta lift them up

and let gravity take them out,

otherwise you get real puffy.

- Well this is Genevieve, she works with Ava.

- Oh hey how's it going?

- Hi.

- You know, I was just telling her about your shower issue.

- Now that's not normal behavior right?

- I wouldn't cry in someone's shower stall.

- Exactly.

She breaks with her boyfriend every other day.

She claimed to have the entire Billy Joel collection,

and all she had was greatest hits one, two, and three.

Genevieve, tell me, how many albums

do you think Billy Joel has?

- More than three.

- Exactly.

But this girl, she invites me up to her house

on false pretenses, and then she tries to give me wine.

- Farley would prefer coffee milk.

- I love coffee milk.

It's very underrated.

Why do you have her in the backseat?

You shouldn't let him treat you like this you know.

- I like it.

It's like he's my chauffeur.

- Yeah, you know, we're picking up Ava in a minute.

Ava always gets the front seat.

We're going to a big cookout for the company.

Do you wanna come with us?

- God no.

I got another eight miles of walking to do

and after the game

I'm gonna be singing a bunch of name songs.

They don't sing themselves you know.

- Well they almost do.

- You tell her about Moes Haven?

Genevieve, you know that Tom and I are in a band?

- No I didn't.

- Oh, well, here's an album.

It's Stromboli's Alarm Clock.

You're gonna love this.

- You don't need this one?

- No I always carry CDs for moments like this.

I got another one in my other pocket

and 500 at home, so it's fine.

- Alright are you sure you don't wanna come to the cookout?

- Okay, can you allow me to be frank just for a minute?

- Okay, here we go.

- I'm a fascinating man, right?

- Some might say.

- More interesting than the average cookout attendee.

- For sure.

- Most of them don't carry their own CDs in their pocket.

- Thank you Genevieve.

So here I am, this fascinating man who carries CDs

everywhere he goes,

and I find whenever I go to some kind of gathering

nobody really wants to talk to me.

You know what I'm saying here?

- I guess so.

- If I'm being completely honest,

I feel that the moment I attend one of these parties

everything should stop.

Everybody should just stop what they're doing,

surround me, and I should hold court

for at least a couple of hours.

People should be hanging on my every word.

But more realistically, I just want people

to ask me a couple questions about myself.

I mean, I go up to people,

I say hey, how you doing, what's you're name,

what do you do for a living, where do you live?

All this junk.

I don't care about any of it.

I'm just asking because I'm hoping

they're gonna me the same question

and I can talk about myself,

but they never do.

Is it me?

- It sounds like it's probably you.

- Genevieve?

- I think it's you.

- Anyway, the next time I go to a party-

- Wait when was the last time you went to a party?

- 1998, but if I ever attend another party

I am gonna walk up to people and say,

"So, you ever make any monster movies?"

You see what I'm saying here?

- Adios subtlety.

- Exactly.

The person will say no,

and then there'll be an opening for me to say,

"I make monster movies," and I can talk about it

for 10 or 20 minutes.

It'll be great.

- Well, why not just bypass the question?

Just walk up to someone and say,

"I make monster movies."

- Come on man, that would be uncouth.

I'm much more couth than that.

Genevieve, you ever make a monster movie?

- Not recently.

- Well we have.

We made a bunch of them.

Tom can tell you all about them on the way to the party.

And let me give you your very own copy

of Don't Let the River Beast Get You.

- Thanks.

- Alright we gotta go.

- Alright.

Have a good one, peace out.

- Bye.

- [Matt] Alright folks, there's no two ways about it,

that girl was sending me some major vibes.

My vibe receptors were feeling it.

There was a time when my vibe receptors had no idea

what was going on.

For instance a few years ago some girl

came over to my apartment.

She was working for the local newspaper

doing a story about my movie,

Monsters, Marriage, and Murder in Manchvegas.

And in retrospect, I think she was sending me some vibes.

But I was completely unaware of it at the time.

Watch what happened.

Plus the movie kind of takes place

in a sort of imaginary unrealistic town,

so better to call it Manchvegas than Manchester.

- So do you hope to break into Hollywood?

- No way.

The last thing I wanna do is be surrounded

by other creative people.

They are the worst, out of touch.

- Interesting.

- I say make them come to us.

- Well I guess that's it.

Thanks for letting me interview you.

- I could talk about myself all day.

- I really like the movie.

I thought there were a lot of things that I missed

during the screening.

Maybe we could watch it together

and you could give me the inside scoop?

- Better still, you could take a DVD.

It's got a commentary track on it

and it'll answer any questions you might have

about the movie.

- Okay, thanks.

- [Matt] Look at that.

Look at the sad look on her face.

She didn't care about the secrets

and the ins and outs of the movie.

She just wanted a reason to hang out with me.

And what's funny is I'd rather she be interested

in the movie than she be interested in me.

I don't know.

Sometimes people will ask me how I find the time

to make so many songs and movies.

The answer is I live cheaply in a tiny attic apartment

and I have a job where they let me sleep.

And if you have a job where they let you sleep

most of the time,

chances are it also involves wiping an old man's butt

every couple weeks.

What happens is one of the old guys

will wake up in the middle of the night

with a soiled diaper.

Then he'll press a button next to his bed

which rings a bell, which wakes me up,

and I gotta go clean him up.

It is not very glamorous,

but it's worth it because I get to make music and movies

the rest of the time.

I am living the dream people.

Living the dream.

Hello.

- [Roger] Hey Mr. Farley.

I'm sorry to bother you.

- No problem.

I'm here to help Roger.

- [Roger] Looks like I need help with a diaper change.

- Happens to the best of us my friend.

- [Roger] I watched your River Beast movie

that you left for me.

- Thanks a lot Roger.

- [Roger] That movie was a real hum dinger.

Maybe you could put me in one of your movies.

- Yeah, I think I could work you into the next script.

That's a good idea.

- [Roger] Say, did the Red Sox end up winning?

- Yeah, they won four to three.

- [Roger] I like their chances this year.

- Yeah, so far so good for this team.

Alright, let's do this.

- Alright Soup, I'm Hakeen Olajuwon.

You're gonna be Horace Grant.

- Oh I got us a statistician.

- Oh you talked to NASA?

- No a girl responded to the Craig's List ad.

She wanted $15 for an hour and a half

so I said okay.

- Yeah, that's fair.

- I think that's her over there.

- [Matt] Oh God.

Okay, Soup, that is the fake Billy Joel fan.

- [Soup] The girl from the shower?

- Yeah.

Hey.

- Hey guys.

I thought it might be you when I answered the ad.

- Yeah, not a lot of job openings

for statisticians nowadays.

- Well when you mentioned it,

I thought I would look online for any freelance work

I could do before I went to school.

- And here we are.

- I'm Soup, nice to meet you.

- I'm Abby.

- Alright Abby so this is the notebook.

We're gonna need you to keep track of points,

rebounds, and steals.

You know the basic rules of basketball, right?

- Oh yeah.

Lebron James!

- Alright let me set you up over here.

Okay, so what we usually do is we have a column

for points, rebounds, column for steals,

got our names right here.

It's a seven game series.

It could run seven.

But if you wanna just sit down right here, that's best.

And I got it set up for the first game,

then you wanna just keep doing that for all the others.

Alright, so Abby we pretend to be classic NBA players

for each series.

For this one I'm Hakeen and he's gonna be Horace Grant okay?

- Okay.

- Okay so that's a point for Horace Grant right there.

(birds chirping)

Three rebounds for Hakeen.

- Yeah, yup, yup.

One rebound for Hakeen.

- Soup I do not know how you could've

had six steals in game five

because either one of having to steal the whole series.

- Stats don't lie my friend.

- I don't know about this.

- Hey wanna hang out tonight?

- I can't.

- How come?

- My raccoon has hepatitis.

- Well can I just at least come over for a minute.

I think I left my cell phone charger

at your place last time.

- Okay but it's gonna have to be quick

because I'm gonna be walking around

listening to the Red Sox game after this.

- I never said that.

You know I never said that.

I wouldn't say anything like that Norm.

He's lying!

I haven't talked with him since two months back

when we were taking time off.

Yes, I've told you about it before.

You just weren't listening.

You're never listening.

I'm at Matt's just hanging out.

Just me and Matt.

Yes, it's just me and Matt.

We're hanging out.

I'm not allowed to hang out with my friends?

I don't even know if I wanna see that movie anyway.

I'll call you back.

Why don't we watch that Manchvegas movie you made?

- I gotta get going remember?

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah we can just both walk out together.

I don't see your charger anywhere.

- Alright, I guess I'll have Norm pick me up

and take me to the movies.

- [Matt] I would just like to say for the record folks,

she never left a cell phone charger at my place.

That was completely made up.

♪ Sorry but I can't provide directions ♪

♪ To the place you wanna go ♪

♪ Uh oh ♪

♪ Sorry but I can't provide directions ♪

♪ To the place you wanna go ♪

So it's always been a dream of mine

to have Moes Haven CDs for sale

at a cool music store like this one.

Unfortunately no music stores anywhere

carry Moes Haven.

So I've gotta take matters into my own hands.

So what I'm doing here,

is I'm pathetically putting my own CDs

into their used CD rack,

and I'm nervous about for some reason.

I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught,

and that makes no sense because what I'm doing

is the opposite of stealing.

I'm giving them free products.

Look at me!

I'm like a criminal

♪ I can't provide directions to the place you wanna go ♪

♪ Uh oh ♪

♪ Oo ♪

It would be great if I could just make movies

and music all day long and not worry

about weird marketing ploys like putting my own CDs

up on the shelves or giving my phone number out in songs.

But you gotta do something,

or else no one's ever gonna hear or watch

any of your stuff.

Even when I was planning to make this movie, Local Legend.

At first I thought it would be a deep philosophical

examination of small time artists.

But before long my inner marketer totally took over.

So instead of doing another monster movie,

I was thinking maybe do a Woody Allen style movie

that speaks to a generation.

- So we're talking Annie Hall here?

- Yeah, Annie Hall, Stardust Memories,

a little bit of Radio Days mixed in.

- I see what you're going for here,

but let's use this movie as a platform

to promote the music.

- What do you mean?

- In this movie, you'll play a guy named Matt Farley

who makes songs.

Throughout the movie we'll hear examples

of these songs and by the end of the movie

people are gonna wanna download those songs

for their own library.

Big money.

- But I wanted to speak to a generation.

- Speak to a generation?

If you wanna speak to a generation kid,

speak to them about how great your songs are.

Get them to buy your songs.

And then when you have enough money,

you can afford to bore them with your philosophical blather.

- Okay, I'll do it.

Maybe it will lead to more sales.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- Hi is this Tom or Farley?

- This is Farley, who's this?

- It's Genevieve.

I was in Tom's car the other day

when we saw you walking.

- Yeah of course.

- I saw your number on the CD you gave me.

I can't believe this is your actual number.

- Yeah I'm completely shameless.

- Do people call?

- A couple times a week I get a call.

- Oh I hope I'm not bothering you.

Are you busy?

- No, no I was just at the local record store

putting a couple of Moes Haven CDs on the shelves.

It's because it's always been my dream

to see my on CDs in a record store,

but that's the only way I can get them up there.

- That's cool.

- I was actually afraid the whole time

that I was gonna get caught,

and that makes no sense

because it's the opposite of stealing.

And I was all nervous, but you know.

Maybe someone will buy it and they'll become a fan.

That's the dream I guess.

- So are you still in the store?

- No I'm just walking home.

- Do you even have a car?

- Yeah, but I try not to use it.

Walking's the best and Manchester's a good town for walking.

- I've lived here for three years.

I probably still don't know the best walking spots.

- I'll give you a walking tour any time you want.

- Okay I can do it Saturday morning if you want.

- Good, yeah, let's do it.

- Also on Friday night we're doing this show

in a basement.

It's the first Moes Haven performance since 2004.

You should come.

- Alright text me the details.

I'll let you get back to your walk.

- Thanks for calling.

How about that?

This girl seriously likes me.

This is big folks.

This is real big.

♪ In the Battle of the Bulge I lost one arm ♪

♪ But that doesn't mean I can't work a farm ♪

♪ Soon they will be sitting pretty ♪

♪ We don't need no gosh darn city ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ The Nebraska plain is just okay ♪

Hey that Abby girl,

she signed up to be the statistician

for when Soup and I play basketball at the park.

- Oh man, she's omnipresent.

- She asked me if I could hang out with her the other day.

And I said no because my raccoon has hepatitis.

And not only did she not catch the reference,

she didn't even think it was funny.

She just accepted that

and then continued with the conversation.

- Annie Hall right?

- [Matt] Of course, Annie Hall!

♪ Oh he's the pope, he's the pope, he's the pope, ♪

♪ He's the pope, he's the pope, he's the pope, ♪

♪ He's the pope. ♪

♪ And I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, ♪

♪ I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, ♪

♪ I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid of the pope. ♪

- So Genevieve huh?

- Oh she's crazy about me man.

Crazy about me.

- Well Ava and I did put in a lot of good words for you.

You know movies, music, creative genius,

that sort of thing.

- Oh man that might not be good.

I'm so much better on paper than I am in person.

She probably thinks I'm like deep and creative or something.

- Well if she's heard the goldfish song

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Plus she was sending me some great vibes.

My vibe receptors were loving it.

Did you feel those vibes bouncing off me

when we were talking?

- Well, not so much,

but I'll take your word for it.

- My vibe receptors are much better than they used to be.

(phone dings)

The show is canceled.

- Seriously?

(laughs)

- Well it's not canceled,

but he's moving it to Saturday night.

- I can't do Saturday night.

We're leaving for New York in the morning.

We changed our plans just for this show.

- The long awaited Moes Haven reunion is not happening.

Unbelievable.

- I guess we can stop rehearsing then.

- Do you remember back when we decided

we were gonna meld the sounds

of Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, and Pink Floyd

into a musical concoction that was gonna blow the minds

of millions of fans all the way around the world?

- And now our basement gig is getting canceled on us.

- This is better.

- We're living the dream.

We just didn't realize what it was until now.

♪ My how the months have passed ♪

- [Matt] Can I help you?

- Just feeling my way through town.

♪ They go so very fast ♪

- [Matt] Note to self:

when walking with Genevieve do not take her

to any of the areas where this guy has tried

to pick me up.

♪ I'll do 13, 15 dollars on food ♪

(phone dings)

(phone dings)

So does soup even cure migraines?

- Soup cures nothing,

but it's a good way to show concern

for someone who is feeling under the weather.

- Under the weather, what's up with that?

What does that even mean, under the weather?

I don't know.

I mean what if I show up with soup

and she's there having breakfast

with the guy who spent the night with her last night.

- More reason to do it.

That'll make for a great story.

- True, I've never gotten soup for a girl,

and I've never interrupted a tryst

between a guy and a girl I was interested in.

- These are the moments.

- If I go do you think I should bring up

the origin of the phrase under the weather?

- I'd wait and see on that one.

Definitely don't open with it.

- Yeah, there's no real punchline.

It's just a question.

But you know what, I'm doing it man.

I'm going all out.

I am bringing soup to a sick girl.

- You're doing it.

(soft rock music)

(phone dings)

(phone dings)

♪ She's coming to visit ♪

So I don't know if soup is good for migraines

or whatever but I'm told it's kind of the universal

sign for anyone who's feeling under the weather,

so here you go.

- I'm sure it'll be great.

- You don't even have to eat it,

you can just dump it down the sink

as soon as I leave.

It's more a gesture than anything else.

- I think I'll try it.

- It's kind of like a cave in here.

Is that because of the migraine?

- Yeah.

Bright lights are bad for migraines.

I've just been taking it easy,

listening to some podcasts.

I'll probably still be able to go to the show tonight.

- Oh good, it's gonna be a real interesting show.

So what have you been listening to?

- Just some podcasts about the philosopher Plato.

- Oh yeah?

- He wasn't really all that deep.

Like the cave allegory?

I came up with that same idea when I was 10.

- So you came up with Plato's allegory of the cave

on your own as a child?

- Yes it was just a fleeting thought I had when I was a kid.

- So either you were a brilliant 10 year old,

or the whole concept isn't all that deep.

- I think it's a little bit of both.

- Matt Farley.

- [Matt] Millhouse.

- Hey how are you?

Hey thanks for making the show tonight.

I really appreciate it man.

- Oh yeah, it's gonna be good man.

- Alright look,

I wonder if you could do me a favor?

- Yeah.

- Any chance I could get $10 from you?

Not enough people are here

and I really gotta pay the sound guy.

- Yeah of course.

- Do you mind?

- Yeah.

- Really appreciate it.

- Do you have change for a 20?

- Not right now.

Would you mind if I just give it to you later on?

- Yeah of course, yeah sure.

- Great, great, thank you very much.

The green room's right around the corner.

- Alright cool man, thanks.

- Thanks for coming.

Thanks again.

- Yup.

Hey how's it going man?

- As good as can be considering I thought I was gonna be

performing in an auditorium and it's been downgraded

to a basement.

To make matters worse Millhouse G.

told me I'm not even getting paid for this,

and then persuaded me to give him $10 for the sound guy.

- [Matt] Hey I gave him 20 I'm still waiting for change.

- Hey guys look I'm really sorry.

But I need you guys to maybe come in

and help fill the audience up

instead of hanging out in the green room

before the show.

If you guys wouldn't mind.

Come on, come on, please, come on, come on.

Welcome to the Manchester, New Hampshire comedy showcase.

Give y'all a big round of applause

just for coming out tonight.

Let's enjoy the show ladies and gentlemen.

Are you ready?

(audience cheers)

Can't hear you, I said are you ready?

(audience cheers)

Enjoy the show.

♪ Enjoy the show ♪

♪ Come on down enjoy the show ♪

♪ We ain't got no better place to go ♪

- This actually is not the first time

I've done a show like this.

I went on a tour once to Europe

and I did a show in a nice Finnish basement

in Finland, actually.

(audience laughs)

A real nice Finnish basement.

(audience laughs)

♪ I call my goldfish ♪

♪ He no responded ♪

- A comedian from Hampshire, England,

and now residing New England, Jon Cross.

The legendary Jon Cross.

(audience applauds)

- Thank you Millhouse.

How about him, how about Millhouse?

Amazing.

I make amateur videos about infections

and put them up on YouTube

with the hope that one day they go viral.

(audience laughs)

You know how they say that people look like their pets?

Well that's great, I'm gonna start

sending my parakeet to meetings.

(audience laughs)

♪ Unrequited love is so good for your diet ♪

♪ If your overweight you really ought to try it ♪

(dog barks)

♪ You won't want no potatoes ♪

♪ Not even if they fry it ♪

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Mom can you shut that dog up please?

So sorry.

- No you're fine.

- I'm really sorry.

- Millhouse G. everybody.

(audience applauds)

Millhouse G.

This happens sometimes in basement shows.

It's alright.

♪ I call her on the phone I ask her out on a date ♪

♪ And when she tells me no ♪

♪ I just throw away my plate ♪

♪ Why doesn't she want to get together ♪

I'm a rock collector.

Any rock collectors in the room right now?

No, okay that's alright it doesn't matter.

(audience laughs)

I just love rocks.

And I go to the local rock story a lot

to buy rocks,

but lately with the economy and all

I just don't have enough money to buy rocks

and it's frustrating because I wanted

this one specific piece of granite.

And I couldn't afford it.

So I collected a lot of things from my apartment

and I brought it to the store,

and I offered the trade with the guy,

and he said, "Sorry we don't take things for granite here."

(audience laughs)

Thank you.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the Manchester comedy showcase

is proud to bring you the legendary Matt D.

ladies and gentlemen.

(audience applauds)

- My girlfriend and I though lately

we have been going back and forth

on whether or not we want kids

and it's been so hard on our son.

(audience laughs)

He is such a baby about it.

I hope you're doing well.

I am not doing too well.

I recently had my therapist come to a show.

Big mistake.

(audience laughs)

No one heckles like a therapist.

Therapist heckling is accurate.

Get off the stage!

Call you dad, you won't!

(audience laughs)

Brutal.

You guys can probably tell but I'll let you know anyway.

I have posed nude for an art class.

(audience laughs)

That's actually how I lost my job substitute teaching.

(audience laughs)

And I am legally obligated to tell you that joke.

Just so we're clear about that.

I used to think I really like trail mix.

Turns out I just like M and Ms that play hard to get.

(audience laughs)

It's all about the thrill of the chase for this guy.

I just joined an air conditioning club.

It's kind of like a fan club.

(audience laughs)

But way cooler.

You didn't wanna like that one.

But I got you to do it.

You didn't want to but hey that's how it goes.

♪ Well they haven't invented a toilet yet ♪

♪ For all of the stuff that I gotta get ♪

♪ Out of my body all at once ♪

♪ I'm gonna be cleaning up this mess ♪

♪ For the next couple of months ♪

Here we go folks.

♪ Gotta poop, gotta puke, gotta pee ♪

♪ Simultaneously ♪

One more time.

♪ Gotta poop, gotta puke, gotta pee ♪

♪ Simultaneously ♪

Believe it or not ladies and gentlemen

being a comedian is not my full time job.

(audience laughs)

And what I do on Mondays through Fridays

is I work in a big old office.

It's a giant corporation

and I have a lot of big responsibilities

and the worst of these is that I am required

to monitor the interns.

And it's very annoying because I have work to do,

and these interns are everywhere.

Especially we have every Thursday, nine o' clock

we have an intern meeting,

and sometimes they don't show up until 9:15,

sometimes 9:20, sometimes 9:30, I have work to do.

It's very frustrating.

So I employ this technique where I take a net

and whenever I see one on Thursday morning

I just capture them in the net

until I have them all together for the meeting.

It's called the intern net.

(audience laughs)

It was created by Al Gore,

and he let his friend Bill Clinton borrow it once

and it led to a lot of trouble.

(audience laughs)

♪ Life is like a pancake one, two, three ♪

♪ Life is like a pancake can't you see ♪

♪ Put them all together ♪

♪ Have a little fun ♪

♪ You're pancakes will be number one ♪

Ladies and gentlemen big ending

♪ Your pancakes ♪

♪ Your pancakes will be number one ♪

They'll be number one ladies and gentlemen.

Just like you folks are all number one.

You're all pancakes to me.

Thank you very much.

(audience applauds)

- Thanks for coming everybody.

- Thanks again ladies and gentlemen.

Marvelous Matt Farley.

- Matt D and Jon Cross.

Let's hear it for them.

- Hey, I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

Are you okay?

- It was very memorable.

- Yeah.

Did you notice Millhouse's mom coming down

to take her laundry?

It's like you couldn't wait a half hour?

- I enjoyed the interruption from the dog.

- Yeah that was classic.

Look I gotta help clean up,

but thank you, thank you for coming.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, alright have a good one.

- Alright I'll see you.

(timer beeps)

- Alright, that's game.

So that's a rebound for Moses Malone

before the time went off.

Moses forces game seven.

This is pretty cool.

Let's check these stats.

Alright so now which one's Moses Malone,

and which one's Karl Malone?

- [Abby] Which one were you?

- I was Moses.

- I think you're that one.

Good work guys.

I gotta get going.

Do you wanna hang out tonight?

- I can't.

- How about you Soup?

- Yeah sure, I can make some soup for you later.

- That's cool.

Is that why they call you Soup?

- Yes it's because I love to make soup.

- I'll call you later.

- Okay, Soup, I hope you realize

this is the fake Billy Joel fan

who was crying in my shower.

This is the girl who just took stats

for Malone versus Malone for six games.

- We're just having some soup man,

it's no big deal.

- You know what?

That's fine.

Take her off my hands.

- I think you're jealous.

You realized you missed your chance

and now she's coming for the Soup.

- I'm not upset man.

I gave your soup to that girl Genevieve,

she loved it.

Cured her migraine.

And after she saw me perform in the basement

she's crazy about me.

Millhouse G.

- Marvelous Matt Farley how are you?

Great job in the basement last night.

You kill them, you killed them.

And by the way, next Thursday,

the people at the Hog's Trough

want me to do an open mic comedy.

You in?

- Of course.

- Alright, and by the way,

my nephew's gonna use your prom song

to ask his girlfriend to the prom.

He absolutely loves it.

- That is seriously the coolest thing on Earth man.

Wish him luck alright?

- [Millhouse] Alright.

- [Matt] This movie's starting to wind down.

But before it does,

I feel that the businessman part of my personality

would want me to tell you about my name songs.

As you know I've been doing the songs

where I sing a person's name over and over again.

That's really just the tip of the iceberg.

It all started with a happy birthday song.

I sang it 1700 different times.

Each for a different name.

Then I wrote a Will You Go To the Prom With Me song,

and did it for 500 different girl names,

so that boys could use it to invite girls to the prom.

Then I did the same thing with the Will You Marry Me song,

right here you're looking at all my name song bands,

you should check them out on iTunes.

- You wanted to see me.

- Yeah, okay.

I think they get the point about all your songs.

- What?

- I think the audience gets the point.

They understand you've made a lot of songs.

You've done name songs for the prom, for birthdays,

for weddings, for all that other junk.

They get the point.

- But you were the one who told me to use this movie

as a platform to sell more songs.

- I wanna find out what happens between you

and this Genevieve girl.

This is compelling stuff my friend.

Compelling stuff.

- I don't know.

I haven't heard from her since the basement show.

- That's because you haven't called her dummy.

She's not gonna keep on calling you.

Take a stand, be a man, call that girl on the phone.

- I'll just wait and see if she calls me.

Besides I got songs I gotta record.

- Songs to record?

You've got 13,000 songs kid.

Take a night off, go out with a girl.

- I don't know what to make of you.

You're being a little inconsistent.

- That's right I've changed.

From the beginning of the movie to the end of the movie.

It's called a character arc.

I read all about it in this fine book

we got from our Auntie and Uncle.

- Hello?

- Hey Genevieve, this is Matt.

Matt Farley.

How you doing?

- Good I was just sitting down

to watch the Last Unicorn.

- The Last Unicorn?

- It was my favorite movie from when I was a kid.

Do you wanna come over and watch it?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Great you'll love it.

It stars Jeff Bridges.

- Really, how have I not heard of this movie?

- It's a lost classic.

If I ever met Jeff Bridges,

I'd be like, "Hey it's Prince Lear from the Last Unicorn."

and I think he'd appreciate it

because everybody else is like, "Hey it's a dude."

- Well I'll be over in an hour.

- Okay.

See you soon.

(uplifting guitar music)

- There he is.

You don't have any flowers?

I think you maybe should've brought her some flowers buddy.

- Isn't that going a little overboard?

I mean I don't even know if I should be doing this.

- Get a grip kid, this is good.

Maybe the romance will inspire you

to make even more music.

- Love songs?

- No, your love songs earn us nothing.

But maybe a little bit of excitement in your life

will inspire you to write even more celebrity songs.

- That sounds more like you.

What are you doing out here?

- I'm just out and about,

and bumped into this nice young man.

He needs directions to the homeless shelter.

Go get her kid.

(phone rings)

- Soup, what's going on?

- She's been in the bathroom for like 45 minutes

with the shower running.

I think she broke up with her boyfriend again.

- This is your moment man.

Get a towel ready.

Be her shoulder to cry on.

- You might've been right about this one.

- She's leaving for art school in 10 days.

Just hang in there buddy.

- The water stopped I gotta go.

- [Matt] Alright, here we go.

I'm going over to a girl's house.

We're gonna watch a movie.

It's gonna be great.

I can't look at her CD collection.

That's only gonna lead to trouble.

Gonna watch the movie and have a good time.

Take it easy.

Okay, I didn't look at her CD collection;

however, I confess I did glance at her MP3 collection

on her computer and I'm happy to say lots of good stuff.

No Billy Joel, but she's got some good Tegan and Sarah,

some Joni Mitchell, some Avery Brothers.

I'm very impressed with the collection.

Best of all folks, take a look at this.

What did she bring me?

A glass of coffee milk.

This is real good folks.

This is real good.

♪ I'd drive to California ♪

♪ Despite the price of gas ♪

♪ You haunt me and deceive me ♪

♪ And relieve my aging soul ♪

♪ You implant in me false memories ♪

♪ With a jar that holds a troll ♪

♪ If you were in an accident ♪

♪ A fire or raging flood ♪

♪ I'd save you from the wreckage ♪

♪ And I'd share my type A blood ♪

♪ Let's go swinging on a rope ♪

♪ In your two piece by the river ♪

♪ I know the water's cold babe ♪

♪ But I'm here in case you shiver ♪

♪ If you can't hide your broken heart ♪

♪ Listen to the sparrow's art ♪

♪ When you're when you're when you're out of doors ♪

♪ The lonely engine puffing steam ♪

♪ And everybody has a dream ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby can I be in yours ♪