Original subtitles

MARY ALICE: Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Bree's new romance got off to a lively start...

So you're "courting me"?

I'm trying to. When will you stop playing hard to get?

Maybe when you stop playing hard to want.

... while Lynette's marriage hit the rocks.

I think we're the ones who need a vacation.

Just a weekend.

Get a chance to work through all of this.

Susars warning...

About those cookies I made, don't eat them. They're poison.

That's her, officers.

... became an admission of guilt.

And Gabby was unaware

that a dark presence had arrived on the Lane.

Susan Delfino had always played by the rules.

She obeyed every label.

She performed her civic duty.

She respected all legal boundaries.

So when she was questioned about the poisoning of Paul Young...

Please state your name and age.

... Susan was more than a little upset.

My age? What does my age have to do with it?

Mrs. Delfino...

I'm 38. Am I under oath?

No.

Thirty-eight.

I don't think you appreciate the seriousness of the position you're in.

You could have killed someone at that school.

But I didn't poison the cookies.

Yet you knew they were poisoned.

Yes, by Felicia Tillman!

I mean, okay, I baked them. But she added the poison.

That was your arrangement?

No! No, we didn't have an arrangement.

She was trying to murder Paul Young.

So all you did was deliver the poisoned food?

Exactly.

No, wait...

No, I had no idea that anything was poisoned. Ever!

Except the cookies.

Except the cookies.

Look, talk to Felicia. She hated Paul.

Yes, but you had your reasons for hating Mr. Young, too.

No, I like Paul. His wife gave me her kidney.

After you lost your kidney in a riot which Mr. Young was responsible for.

Who told you that?

Mr. Young.

He also said he blew the whistle on your Internet porn career,

causing you to lose your job at the Oakridge school,

the same school you brought those poisoned cookies to.

Now how about you start telling me the truth?

I'm not 38.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Find anything?

Uh-huh.

Okay, thanks.

We found a glass vial and some syringes

in the dumpster behind your apartment.

They all had traces of antifreeze.

Oh, God.

MARY ALICE: Yes, Susan Delfino had always played by the rules.

But she was about to find out

(CLANGS)

This wasrt a game.

Sometimes it's the little things that make us feel secure.

Like an old friend at bedtime,

money saved for a rainy day,

or matching coffee mugs.

But there are times when these small comforts

are up against big challenges.

I'm glad we're doing this.

Me, too.

Should have done it a long time ago.

Completely agree.

We just needed to get away from everything, just the two of us.

No kids, no work, no TV...

What? No TV?

Oh, come on, it's a B&B. Bed and Baseball.

(SIGHS) Are you going to take this seriously?

Yes.

I'm taking this very seriously.

Okay.

So, what do you feel like doing? You want to go to bed, or...

Bed sounds good. I'm exhausted. (STAMMERING) Unless you wanna...

(CHUCKLING) No. No, I'm tired, too.

Let's get a good night's sleep.

We have the whole weekend ahead of us.

Hey,

it's gonna be great.

It's gonna be great.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Thanks for dinner. That was amazing.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

You kidding? I gotta chase twice as many bad guys tomorrow to burn it off.

Good night, Chuck.

Good night, Bree.

Oh, um...

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Wow. That is the one part of dating that I haven't missed.

I know. The whole question of intimacy.

"Will he kiss me? Will he not?"

"Will she be mad if I try? Will she be mad if I don't?"

Then why don't we skip all that and lay our cards on the table?

This sounds like something that two reasonable adults might do.

I find you very attractive.

And I think you're a knockout.

Really?

Yeah. That's why it's so hard...

Wow, we really are putting our cards on the table.

...to wait.

- Wait? - Um...

Just till my divorce goes through.

'Cause till then I'm technically married,

so anything we do is adultery.

You know what? I think that's very admirable.

- Yeah? - Definitely.

It's refreshing to find a man

whose morality isn't compromised by his libido.

Besides, sometimes waiting can be half the fun.

And just so you know what it is you're waiting for...

Now that's the part of dating I have missed.

(LAUGHS)

CHUCK: See you tomorrow night.

(ENGINE STARTS)

How can they arrest me? I didn't do anything.

They found syringes and antifreeze at your house.

Unless you're a suicidal diabetic, that's pretty suspicious.

But Felicia was at my house when I was making Paul's food.

Clearly she's trying to frame me.

Any way to prove it?

The woman hacked off two of her fingers to frame someone else!

She's a framer!

To implicate Felicia, we'd need some evidence

that she was actively trying to kill Paul.

(SIGHS)

I might be able to help you with that.

A few months ago Felicia called me from prison.

Said she needed to see me.

You never told me this.

I didn't know what it was about, so I went.

She offered me $ 10,000 to kill Paul.

What?

This was in the visitors' room? On the phone?

I'll see if they have any recordings. It might take a day or two.

This is good.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - How could you keep that from me?

I don't know. I guess I was ashamed.

Why? You said no.

Yeah, after I thought about it for a week.

You actually considered...

Come on, Susan. With the financial problems we were having?

You gotta remember, there was a time I would have killed Paul for free.

(CARTOON PLAYING)

Two-minute warning till bath time.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Hi, honey. How was your flight?

Yeah, hold on.

Sweetie, it's your dad calling from his business trip.

The sound you're hearing is your daughter in a can'toon coma. Juanita!

(SWITCHES OFF LAPTOP)

Hi, Daddy.

Okay, Daddy. I love you, too. Bring me something.

Uh-uh! Upstairs.

Okay, honey, love you, too. Bring me something.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Coming. I'm coming, I'm coming.

(GASPS)

Gabby, what are you doing here?

Carlos doesn't want us seeing each other,

and I really don't think we should...

I need a gun.

Well, I guess I could spare a moment.

Why on earth do you need a gun?

Juanita swears she's been seeing this mystery man

skulking around our lawn at night.

And last night I think I saw him, too.

Did you call the police?

And say what? There's a guy on the lawn?

Look, Carlos is out of town

and I'll sleep better if I have a gun in the nightstand.

Gabby, I'm not giving you a gun.

Why not? I let you borrow things all the time.

Not things that put holes in people.

Come on, just a little one.

The kind Nancy Reagan would shoot people with.

No.

Please. I'll be really careful. This guy is kind of freaking me out.

Gabby, if you're really serious,

I will set you up with a class at my gun range.

They'll teach you about gun safety, you will get a permit,

and then we'll see about getting you a gun.

Great. So in the meantime, if skulking guy breaks into my house,

I'm just going to yell, "Freeze! I'm taking a class!"

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

HANK: Ms. Tillman?

This is Detective Hank Powell of the Fairview Police Department.

Hello, officer. Is there something I can help you with?

We'd like you to come down to the station.

We need to ask you a few questions.

May I ask what this is about?

We'll explain it all when you get here.

Or, if that's a problem, we could have somebody come get you.

No. Thank you.

I'll handle my own transportation.

(HANGS UP)

So there's a place in town where you can make your own candles.

- Candle-making? - Mmm.

(CHUCKLES)

Hopefully it's next to a place where we can make our own bullets.

Yeah. Does sound pretty lame.

Besides, we didn't come here to do arts and crafts.

Right. We came here to work on stuff, talk.

Hmm.

So, maybe we should go back to our room

and talk.

- Hey, there. Good morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Hey.

Hi, I'm Lisa. This is my husband, Andy.

- Oh, hi. I'm Lynette. Nice to meet you. - You, too.

- Tom. - Nice to meet you.

So, is this your first time here?

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Yep. First time.

Oh! It's our third time. We love it here.

And it's so quiet and intimate. What could be better, right?

- Right. - You said it.

So what are you guys up to today?

I don't know. We'll probably just hang out. What about you guys?

We are going candle dipping.

(LAUGHING)

Any chance you wanna come with?

Andy, I'm sure they came up here to be alone.

I don't know...

Sounds like it could be fun.

Yeah, we could be alone later.

Let's go dip some candles.

You know I can't talk to you.

Think about it. Of all the people that want you dead,

you think Susars the one to do it?

She's the only person in this neighborhood who stuck by you.

You heard the evidence. All the food came from your kitchen.

And you know who was helping Susan cook it? Felicia Tillman.

What?

The same woman who offered me $ 10,000 to kill you.

She offered you 10,000 to kill me?

What did you say?

You're still standing here.

(SIGHS) Believe me now?

So, tell me, how do you know that guy I saw leaving here last night?

His name is Chuck. He's a detective,

and he and I have been seeing each other.

Seeing? As in dating?

You sound surprised.

Well, I don't like spreading vicious gossip...

Who am I kidding, I love it.

Bree, that guy is gay.

You say that about everyone. You said that about Tom Scavo.

I didn't say he was gay,

I said if I had magic powers I would make him gay.

But as far as Detective Hottie goes, I've seen him at my favorite gay bar.

No. I am sure it wasrt him.

I'm sure it was. I never forget a gay face.

I have what scientists call a "homographic memory."

Chuck was married for 18 years.

Was? Interesting. Failed marriage. Let's connect those dots.

Okay, then explain why he's the one chasing me.

He's a cop. It's a very masculine culture.

And now that he can't hide behind his wife anymore,

he needs a girlfriend so he's still "one of the guys."

- Let's drop it. - Okay. Tell me I'm wrong.

Tell me you've had the best sex you've ever had.

You have had sex?

He said he wanted to wait.

Okay, I'm calling it. Time of gay, 11:21.

(SIGHS)

There's just something about Italian food.

But I cannot believe how much I ate. It was so good.

It was awesome. And thank you both.

Yeah, you didn't have to pay for dinner.

- Or lunch. - Or our candle-making lessons.

TOM: It was my pleasure.

What's the point of making the big bucks if you can't spread it around?

Please stop saying "big bucks."

(CHUCKLING) I haven't said it that much.

If I had a nickel for every time you said "big bucks," I'd have big bucks.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

It's getting late.

Yeah, we should really let you guys go.

Late? It's only 10:00.

Hey, who's up for a game of spades?

Come on, Lisa, boys against girls. Let's kick some butt.

- Okay. - Okay. Yeah.

So it is 3:00 a.m., I'm creeping down the stairs, in my underwear,

holding the golf club like a machete.

I hear the noise again, coming from the kitchen...

Turns out it's our daughter Penny

who's waiting to get the Easter Bunny's autograph.

- (BOTH LAUGH) - That's cute.

- What? - You always do that.

I'm telling a story, and you jump in and steal the punch line.

'Cause you go on forever.

You heard a noise, you checked it out, turns out it's Penny.

Laugh, laugh, laugh.

Everybody's the same age as when the story started. (LAUGHS)

TOM: Well, my apologies, everybody.

I am sorry I am not a gifted raconteur like my wife.

What can I say, Tom? I actually do know how to tell a story.

Yeah, like the spellbinder you told the guy at the candle shop today

about growing winter squash.

One more second and he was ready

to pour molten wax directly into his ears.

Oh, you heard that story?

I figured you were busy counting your big bucks.

(INHALES) It's midnight already.

Yeah, we better get some sleep. We got a big day tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? What are you guys doing?

Nothing.

ANDREW: Good night, you guys. LISA: Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

Well, I think I'm going to turn in, too.

You coming?

Nah. I'm gonna check out some scores on the TV.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hello.

Are you ready for our lunch date?

I tried to call you.

I got to interview a robbery witness. I'm really sorry.

It's not your fault.

And as luck would have it, I'm free for dinner, too.

Great. Hey...

Hey, guys, say hi to Bree.

- Hi. - Hi, Bree.

See, I wasrt making her up.

I'll see you tonight.

MURPHY: Great picture of Chuck, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Who's that with him?

That was his partner, Pete Crowley.

Oh! Are Chuck and Pete still partners?

No. Pete's not here anymore.

I hope it wasrt something tragic.

No, not tragic. Just...

weird.

Excuse me.

BREE: They were best friends and partners for nine years.

And then last year they went on a camping trip together.

When they got back they werert speaking,

Pete put in for a transfer,

and no one on the force knows what happened.

It's beyond obvious.

Chuck must have had a huge crush on this guy.

You think he was in love with his partner?

Please! I'm in love with him and I've only seen his picture.

He picks a total hottie for a partner,

then sits on his feelings for nine years,

until the camping trip.

They're in the woods, in a tent, alone.

A couple of beers, then, bam, Chuck pounces.

And his partner's all like, "Stop! What are you doing? Get off me!"

Oh, God, it's me and Todd Mankiewicz all over again.

This is ridiculous. Chuck is not gay, and I am going to prove it.

- How? - He's taking me to dinner tonight.

And I may just have to offer myself up as dessert.

Do whatever you want. Just forward me this picture.

I've got some photoshopping to do.

(SIGHING)

Our policy here is, "Ask questions first. Shoot later."

You will know everything there is to know about a firearm

before ever actually holding one.

What's there to know? You point, you shoot, somebody bad falls down.

(CHUCKLES)

Ms. Solis, mind if I ask why it is you're taking this class?

To protect myself.

Protection. Why a gun? Why not just get a dog?

Well, for one, if you leave a gun in the house

it doesn't rip apart your throw pillows,

then leave a gift on your hall carpet. (LAUGHING)

Could you shoot me?

What?

I'm an intruder. I just broke into your home.

Could you shoot me?

Sure. Why not?

Really? Where? The head? Chest?

I don't know. Why are you getting so close?

I'm an intruder. I'm here to hurt you.

Could you point the gun, fire it and kill me?

And then live with that the rest of your life?

No.

If any of you feel the same way, leave now.

A gun in the hands of someone who's afraid to use it

is the most dangerous weapon in the world.

Not for your intended victim.

For you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Susan.

I wanted to thank you.

I heard that you spoke to the police and helped clear me.

I'm sorry I doubted you. I guess I'm not used to people being kind to me.

What's going on?

I can't stay here.

But Felicia's gone. You're safe now.

This has nothing to do with Felicia. It's just time for me to go.

Paul, you can't leave the Lane. You belong here.

No, I don't. I never have.

Well, that's not true.

When I first moved here, you and Mary Alice were so nice to me.

You were the reason I wanted to live here.

We had to be nice.

We came here running away from something terrible we'd done.

We spent every day waiting for the past to catch up with us.

And it did.

Sooner or later, the past always catches up.

That was a long time ago.

You have a chance to start over now.

And you were the only one around here who ever thought I could start over.

I still do.

You're a good person, Paul. I truly believe that.

I know. And I'd just as soon leave while you still do.

Here. Take these.

Move back in with your family.

As far as the rest of the rent, that's my gift to you.

I don't know how to thank you.

Just be happy here.

(SIGHS)

We will.

You know, it's not even 10:00 yet. Are you up for a nightcap?

Sure. I know this fabulous little spot.

"Fabulous."

Actually, I was hoping we could go back to your place.

Um... (CHUCKLES) Uh...

I don't think that's a good idea.

Really? What are you afraid of?

I'm not sure I could trust myself. Remember our agreement?

Oh, are we really sticking to that?

Look, I have to.

Okay. But I still want that nightcap.

Where to?

I know just the place.

(LOUD MUSIC)

Bree, are you sure you want to come in here,

'cause I think this is a gay bar.

Really? And how would you know that?

Okay, there's something I need to tell you.

Hey, girlfriend! Where you been hiding yourself?

Hey, Terrence.

Wait until you hear the dish. Steve and Fat Steve broke up.

And Fat Steve is now Pissed Steve.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - Mmm-hmm.

See, this is what I wanted to talk to you about.

Chuck, I already know.

My neighbor saw you here.

Oh, God.

It's okay. My son is gay, I have lots of gay friends.

I love the gays! I just don't date them.

Bree, I'm not gay.

Hey, studly, haven't seen you in a while.

Well, here's your usual. And, sorry, I'm out of umbrellas.

They know me because I worked here undercover.

- Really. - Yes.

Some guys here were dealing drugs.

So to blend in, I pretended to be gay.

Ow!

And I was good at it.

Chuck, you don't need to lie.

I can imagine how hard it must be to be a gay cop.

Especially after what happened with your partner.

My partner? You mean Peter?

What do you know about that?

Well, I know you two split up after you went on vacation together.

Were you in love with him?

I can't talk about this here.

Come on.

I did love Pete Crowley like a brother.

And I loved my wife, too.

At least, I did until the camping trip

when Pete told me they'd been sleeping together six months.

Your partner and your wife? Why didn't you tell me?

I'm a detective. I'm supposed to notice things.

But if your wife is the one who cheated,

why is she holding up the divorce?

Part of me thinks she's dragging it out

so I'll screw around before it's over.

So she can say I'm no better than her.

But I am better than her.

That's why I want to get things right this time.

So you're really not gay?

(EXHALES)

What do you think?

Fabulous.

- (CLATTERING) - Oh, my God!

This is why kids shouldn't play with cans!

Hey!

Hey!

Excuse me.

Do you have a security camera?

I'm confused. You say someone took your pocketbook,

but isn't that your pocketbook?

This is my purse. (SCOFFS) Men.

Sorry. I do the same thing to my wife.

I say "nice shirt," she says, "It's a blouse."

I say, "I like your trousers," she says...

Stop!

Can you go closer?

Okay, but he's not holding a pocketbook.

(TAPS)

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

That's my stepfather.

You sound surprised to see him.

He's supposed to be dead.

Pretty damn good.

Got to admit, I'm surprised to see you back here.

I thought you said you couldn't kill anybody.

I got over it.

No, Tom. Texting the office is the same as calling the office.

Come on. You know that!

Oh, God. It's them.

Wait, my coffee. Honey...

Leave it! Leave it!

- Hey there. Top of the morning. - Hi, yeah, good morning!

- Hey! - LYNETTE: How's it going?

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I hope you guys like apples,

because we found a pick-your-own-apple orchard.

Oh, actually, we're heading into town to do some antiquing.

Sounds great. We love antiquing.

Yeah. I think we're going to go by ourselves.

Oh!

Ouch.

Are you guys blowing us off?

No! No, it's just that we wanted to buy

one of those old folding screens,

and our backseat is so small and...

Lisa.

Yeah, we're blowing you off.

Why?

Look, we get it. You guys can't stand to be alone.

But that's the whole reason we came here.

So, nice hanging out with you, but see you.

Yeah.

And good luck.

(STAMMERING) What do you mean "good luck"?

You know, with whatever it is you're working through.

(GROANS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Man, this rain is just not going to stop, huh?

They said it might go into tonight.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

That's what they said on the radio.

So, total strangers think we're in trouble.

Do you think we're in trouble?

What do you think?

All I know is, 20 years ago, if you'd put us in a beautiful room

with a fireplace and a big bed and it rained all day,

we wouldn't be talking about the weather.

I've got to get out of this room. I'm starting to lose my mind.

- You wanna take a walk? - What?

Do you wanna take a walk?

Lynette, it's a mess out there. It's pouring!

Well, don't snap at me, Tom. Snap at the rain.

God, it's like you're not even trying.

Me? I'm not trying?

From where I sit, you're not.

What do you call this?

What is this?

It's your engagement ring.

The crappy one I gave you a million years ago.

You changed the diamond.

I told you I'd give you a decent ring someday.

There it is.

Mmm.

What's the matter?

I appreciate this. I really do.

But I loved the ring the way it was.

Really?

'Cause I seem to remember you making a joke about it

every single time you showed it to somebody.

I did?

I did.

But that doesn't mean I didn't love it.

Lynette, I did this to make you happy, but I'm running out of ideas!

(SIGHS)

I can't do this anymore.

We have survived five kids,

a failed business, cancer.

Why can't we pull out of this one?

I don't know what you want.

I don't know what I want.

I just know it isn't this.

FELICIA: There you go.

Wakey-wakey.

Now, I'm going to take this off.

But if you start screaming for help,

I will have no choice but to plunge this

directly into your heart, killing you instantly.

Oh! That will kill you, too, but a lot more slowly,

giving the three of us a chance to chat.

What do you mean, three of us? Who's here?

Why, Beth, of course.

I knew she wouldn't want to miss this.

Fine, kill me. You won't get away with it.

The police know you've been poisoning me.

But thanks to you they think I'm miles away.

But I'm not,

I'm right here.

You know, I'm kind of going to miss this place.

Yeah, the sound of German techno music from 3B.

The smell of corned beef and cabbage from 2C.

The fat guy, or is it a woman, in 5D?

(LAUGHING) Actually, I'm not going to miss this place.

Hey, where does this go?

Oh! MJ's toys are here.

Hey, you know what would be a great idea?

If when he walks into his old room tomorrow,

all of his favorite things are already there.

Yeah, he'd love that. I'll run them over right now.

No, no, no. You keep packing. I'll go.

FELICIA: You disappoint me, Paul.

Is this really how you want to spend your last moments?

Sitting here, shooting me dirty looks

as if I didn't already know you dislike me?

What would you prefer?

Some remorse, a little repentance.

Emotions appropriate to a man who killed an innocent woman.

Innocent?

Your sister blackmailed my wife, drove her to suicide.

(COUGHING)

It isn't Martha's fault that Mary Alice shot herself,

like all your wives seem to.

If you're gonna keep talking, Felicia, would you mind upping my dose?

Just tell me you're sorry! Is it really so hard to say?

I'm not sorry.

I wasrt then and I'm not now.

When I saw the life drain out of Martha's mean little eyes,

I knew she was getting exactly what she deserved.

So there it is.

When I watched the life drain out of Martha's mean little eyes,

I knew she was getting exactly what she deserved.

So, you have a confession.

What are they going to do? Arrest my corpse?

No.

But when the police find your body, they'll find this.

And the world will stop thinking I was crazy all these years.

Felicia, there's one thing I will go to my grave sure of.

The world will never stop thinking you're crazy.

(PAUL COUGHING)

(FELICIA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Getting scared, Paul?

This poison, how much longer before it kills me?

Not long. Thirty minutes or so.

OPERATOR: 911. State your emergency.

There's a killer loose in my house. 4353 Wisteria Lane.

Send police. And an ambulance. Hurry!

(SIGHS)

Oh! Getting weaker.

Tell Martha I said hello.

(SIREN WAILING)

Susan! Susan!

Oh... Oh!

Hurry. Hurry!

(SIREN WAILING)

(THUDDING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(GRUNTING)

Come on, come on!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Susan, if your casseroles had been any better,

he would've had seconds and none of this would be happening.

Ah!

No.

(FELICIA SCREAMING)

This has gone on long enough.

(CHOKING)

SUSAN: Paul!

Paul, stop! Don't do this!

Paul! Let her go.

You are not like her. You are not a killer.

(GASPING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

- Thank you. - (SIREN WAILING)

Thank you, Susan.

(TIRES SCREECH)

I knew you wouldn't hurt her. You're a good person.

Stop saying that.

Felicia's right.

I killed Martha.

That man you think I am?

I haven't been him for a long time.

But I want to be that man again.

Officers, can you take my statement?

I have a confession to make.

MARY ALICE: A sense of security. It's something we all search for.

Whether it's knowing we're desired,

taking control of our fears,

or finding the strength to do the right thing.

But the danger of a sense of security

is that it may prove to be false.

Oh!

(COUGHING)

(HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CRASHING)