All language subtitles for Carpool.1996.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].Carpool.1996.WEBRip.x264-RARBG-sync.eng

[Horn honks]

Man: let's go! Let's go!

It's a school day,
not a carnival day.

[Car engine starts]

[Car drives away]

[Car engine starts]

[Car drives away]

[Car door opens]

Woman: get in the car, kids.
Time for school.

I am sorry, Aria,

but you cannot
bring that in our Van.

It's disgusting.

Little girl:
But he's my brother.

[Car whizzes by]

Woman: come on.
Hurry up, Charlie.

We're ready to go.

[Honk honk]

Woman: hurry up.

Woman: get...In...The car.

[Car door closes]

[Honk honk]

Man: move it. Move it.

[Honk honk honk]

Man: come on,
we're waiting.

[Honk honk honk]

Woman: hurry up.

Woman: kids,
it's time for school.

Little boy: Again?

Little girl: But we went
yesterday.

Get in the car!

Little girl: Mom,
how come you always drive us
to school in your bathrobe?

Woman: because the principal
gets mad when I do it
in the nude.

Man: Vicki, I told you,
no frogs in the Van.

No, not out the window!

[Tires squeal]

[Crash]

Children: are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Woman: stop saying that!

When will we get there?

When will we get there?

When will we get there?

When will we get there?

[Clock chimes]

[Toilet flushes]

Ohh.

Ohh.

I don't believe it.
I fell asleep practicing

our presentation
to Mr. hammerman.

Why did you let me
oversleep?

I have to go in
early today.

Ohh.

What's the matter?

I'm dying.

I've been
throwing up

for the last
three hours.

Oh, honey, honey.
That's too bad.

You know what?
I'll call you from work,

and I'll check
on you, ok?

Daniel...

Must be a bug going around, huh?

Excuse me.

Yeah?

I'm sick.

Which tie do you think...

The striped, the blue,
or the burgundy?

I'm sick!

I think the burgundy.

Daniel!

What? what do you need?
What?

Soup? water? A bucket?

We have two kids.
They have to get ready
for school.

Ok, ok. I'll get them
ready. Don't worry.

And then they have to
actually go to school.

The carpool?

That's generally
how they get there.

Oh, honey, no.
No, please.

Anything but that.

It's my week.

I don't have time,
ok? I don't.

When's your meeting? 4:00?

Can't somebody else
do it?

What about one of the
neighbors? What about Mr. kupek?

He's 88.

So he'll drive
real slow.

He's had three strokes.

But never while driving.

All you have to do
is drive them to school.

15, 20 minutes, tops.

I'm not asking you
to raise them as your own.

Look at this.
I'm already running
seven minutes late.

I can't believe this.

Come on, Mr. "I've never
been late in my life

because I set my watch
10 minutes fast."

That gives you
a three-minute cushion.

All right, all right.
You're right. I'm sorry.

I'll...i'll do it.

Thank you!

Don't forget, you have to
pick up Travis.

Why?

He joined the carpool last week.

That kid scares me.
He's weird.

He's just a child.

Well, he's
a very weird child.

He's not weird.

They had him tested.

Listen, are you sure
that you can't do this?

I mean, you're done
throwing up, aren't you?

It's the carpool,
not an armed robbery.

Ok. I'll do it.

Where are you going?

Have you forgotten the judge
took the carnival away?

I said, where are you going?

I got a little errand
to run.

There may be
a gentleman caller!

Mom, I told you not
to wear my shirts anymore.

You're stretching
them all out.

Then take it off.

[Knock on door]

And answer the door!

Whew.

[Knock knock knock]

Hey! how are you?

Is it a gentleman caller?

No, mom.
It's erno and Alexandra
and some of the others.

Watch it, Franklin.
They're carnival people.
They steal.

What's the occasion,
guys?

Franklin, we came to
give you our paychecks back.

Oh, you didn't
have to do that.

Well, sure we did.

These bounced.

You've been very good
to us, Franklin.

We can't hold up
no more.

I got offer
from wingling brothers.

The ringling
brothers?

No, wingling brothers.

All right, guys,
come on.

Let's
stick together.

Let's have a little
faith, all right?

Now, the judge
gave me 48 hours

to come up
with the money,
and I will do that.

You guys just have
to hold tight, ok?
Arf!

Arf!

[Whimpering]

Andrew!

Bucky!

Come on, let's go!

Zip up your zipper.

I like it down.

What?

I like my zipper down.

Why?

It's breezier.

It's illegal.

All the kids are
wearing them like that.

Name one, and I'm
calling his parents.

Bucky!

Here. you have
to sign this.

What? what is it?

Spelling test.

Ha. looks like
the only thing

correctly spelled
here is the "f."

It doesn't matter.
Mrs. karkinney's
giving me a do-over.

A do-over?

I messed up,
so I get
a second chance.

Mrs. karkinney says
everybody should
get a second chance.

Well, that's only
because she's been
married five times.

Let me tell you
something, sport.

In the business world,

you only get once chance
to get it right,
so study, ok?

I do.

Well, apparently,
not hard enough.

Here.

Bucky!

Come on, bucky,
we're running late.

Chill out, dad.
I'm right here.

Oh. hi.

Just getting my hat.

Glad you could...
Join us.

Ok.

Here we go.

Coffee.

Andrew, what are
you waiting for?

Breakfast.

No, no time. Come on.

We'll grab some doughnuts
on the way.

Yes!

Hey, guys,
i was thinking,

maybe we could go
to a seahawks game
sometime soon.

You know, tailgate,
make a whole day
out of it.

It'll be just like
that mariners game

you were going
to take us to,

only you had to
work instead.

No, no, no.
I really mean it this time.

A deal is a deal.
We are going to a game.

Yeah, right.

Hey, you know, if i
didn't work so hard,

you guys wouldn't even
have a football
to throw at me.

Um, dad.

Yeah?

Mr. kupek's working
in his yard again.

Oh, yeah.

See, let that
be a lesson
to you boys.

The world says that
he can't drive a car

just 'cause he's
a little forgetful.

But look at him.
He's a vibrant,
healthy man.

He's able to do anything
he puts his mind to.

Good morning, Mr. kupek.

Hello, boys.

Andrew: dad, Mr. kupek
isn't wearing his pants.

I know, son.

From now on, you kids
stay away from him, ok?

Bye, mom.

Don't forget, I want
to go to sizzler tonight.

You know you're
not allowed at sizzler
anymore, mom.

That salad bar said,
"all you can eat."

Yeah, but it was
closing time.

I wasn't finished!

You'd been there
since noon, mom.

They cheated me!

Well, maybe so, but they
also got a court order,

so if you go back now,
it's a violation
of your probation, ok?

We'll talk
about it later.

Listen, cutey-pie, when
they repossess the truck,

you don't have to
leave them any gas.

Right. you're the expert
on gas, mom.

Come on, already.

Bucky: this happens
every day.

Andrew: she's the slowest
human on this planet.

Just leave her, dad.
Yeah.

Don't tempt me.

Come on, Chelsea,
honey. We're running
a little late.

Where's Andrew's mom?

Well, she's sick.

I'm not supposed to ride
with strangers, though.

No, I'm Andrew's father.

I have no way
of knowing that.

Trust me.

That's exactly what
a stranger would say.

I'd like to see
some identification.

Chelsea...

Mommy!

Ok, ok. Here. Look.
Here. See?

Driver's license.

You know, you used to
have a lot more hair.

Get in the car.

Wait! stop!

I'm getting
motion sickness! Stop!

Bucky, close the door,
and let's roll.

Wait!

What now?

My sister's
coming.

Thank you, god.

Bucky.

Hello. can I get in,
or what?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Cool.

I'll move to the back.

Sit down.

Thanks, Mr. Miller.

My mother
usually takes me,

but she had
breast-reduction
surgery yesterday.

They removed
14 ounces
from each breast

and then relocated
her nipples.

To where?

Bucky, close the door.

Stay loose.
You can do it.

Nobody's gonna get hurt.

Unless they shoot me,

which they won't because
I'm gonna draw first.

Unless they push
that red button
under the counter,

which would be bad, but...

I know it's gonna be fine.

There he is.

What is that?

Andrew: that's Travis.

Greetings,
earth people!

Prepare
to be probed.

Alien terminated.

Get in the Van,
Travis.

I'm sorry, Mr. Miller.

[Buzz]

** reach out **

** reach out
and touch someone **

sit down.

Where?

I don't know.

Anywhere but in
the front seat
with me.

Daniel: buckle up.

Nice outfit, Travis.

Here. here. Here.

Let me show you...

How you're...
Supposed to...

Do this.

Don't they
have seat belts
in outer space?

Bucky, are you trying
to look down my shirt?

Uh, no, no, no.

It-it's my neck.

Yeah, my chiropractor
says I have to do these
neck-stretching exercises.

Yeah...right.

Whoa! you scared me.

Excuse me, sir.
I'd like you to open
a safe for me.

I...i...i mean an account,
a safe account.

Ha ha. Whoa!

But you're not open yet,

so I'll just go grab
a cup of coffee
and come back later.

Ok, good talkin' to you.

See ya in just
a few minutes, all right?

Right there. I missed it.

[Rock music plays]

** 20-20-24 hours to go **

** I wanna be sedated **
could you hold it
down, please?

** nothin' to do,
no way to go home **

** I wanna be sedated **
please hold it
down, will ya?

** just take me
to the airport **

** put me on a plane **
this is horrible.

** hurry, hurry, hurry **
these people need
to lighten up.

** before I go insane, i
can't control my fingers... **

don't you like
the classics?

Andrew: ** oh, no, oh, oh... **

you know, the moms let
us listen to whatever we want.

They want the carpool
to be fun.

Carpools
are transportation.

They're not supposed
to be fun.

They sure aren't
when you drive.

Want a gummi bear?

No.

Of course,

they don't taste anything
like real bear.

And you can squoosh 'em
between your teeth,

and it makes it
look like your gums
are bleeding. Watch.

Andrew: awesome.

Travis: cool.

I'm not crazy.

I didn't say you were.

I was tested, you know.

Well, then you
obviously cheated.

Hey, this looks
cool, dad.

Your hammermans stuff
looks great.

Chelsea:
hammermans sucks.

Hey, put that back.
Put that back
right now.

Those are not toys,
you know.

Those are
my presentation
materials.

Now,
don't touch those.

You're a very cranky man.
Do you have
hemorrhoids?

No.
my dad's real cranky
when he gets hemorrhoids.

He says they feel like
you're walking around

with a pine cone
up your butt.

I know what that
feels like

'cause I tried
it once...

That's it.
I've had it.

All right, get out
of the front seat.

Out! out! Out! Out!

Ow! ahh. Ooh.

Uncle Bob
did that once,

and ever since,
he's never been able

to see
the color green.

I'm hungry.

And I am
soaking wet,

and we
are stopping

right around
the corner
at hammermans.

[Everyone complaining]

What's wrong
with hammermans?

Nasty food!

No, it's not just
a grocery store.

It's a big
refrigerator
with a heart.

I hate hammermans.

There's nothing fun
to eat there.

There's plenty
to eat there.

They don't
have doughnuts.

Yeah, but they got lots
of other good stuff.

Oh, I ate mud once.
Tasted ok.

But dad took me
to the hospital,
pumped my stomach,

and I met a guy
with a monkey heart.

Well, I think hammermans
is much better than mud.

Bucky: is that gonna be
your hammermans slogan, dad?

Ok, I am gonna
go in there,

and I'll get
some Danish.

[Everyone complaining]

I am going
by myself!

Now,
when I get back,

the only thing
i want to hear

for the rest
of our trip
to school

is the sound
of sugar

working its way
through your
little bloodstreams.

Sorry.

No problem.

What darling children.

You want 'em?
'Cause I'll sell 'em
to you real cheap.

Old lady: For shame!

Disabled
the security camera.

Good.

Jammed the back door lock.

Excellent. by now,
yesterday's receipts

are sitting behind
the front register

waiting for
the armored car pickup.

Hey. five minutes
from now,

they'll be sitting
in our lap, hey, buddy?

Let's do it.

You know what
to do when we go in?

Yeah.
you take the cashier...

Mm-hmm.

I cover your back.

We're ready.

[Church music plays]

[Knocks on counter]

Excuse me.

Counter woman: Yes. Hi.
How can I help you?

I was wondering
about my pepper steak.

Oh, it's right here.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Where are
your doughnuts?

Sir, we're a gourmet market.

Oh, ok. Well, where are
your gourmet doughnuts?

We have
a fine selection

of scones, croissants,
tea biscuits,

and Mille-feuille.

Mid-phooey?

Mille-feuille.

Meal-foey?

Mille-feuille.

Moo-fay?

Yeah.

You don't have
any doughnuts?

No, sir.

Well,
let's see here.

How many of those
could I get for $1.00?

Two.

Apples?

Peanuts.

They're organic.

Excuse me.
I'm in a hurry here.

Could I just pay for these
and leave?

I am sorry, sir,
but I am helping
this gentleman.

While you wait,
you can fill your cup

with our
complimentary coffee.

All right, everybody,
you know what these are.

You know why we're here.

Don't anybody move.
You know what this is.

You know
what we want.

Damn, that's good.
I wish I would have
thought of it.

Robber: move it, pal.
Move it.

Come on, open it up.
Let's go.

Drop it, punk,
or I drop you.

Correction, grandma.

You drop it.

The money in a bag.

Paper or plastic?

Just do it.

Please, don't shoot me.

I refuse to die
in a polyester smock.

Get that gun
out of Todd's face now!

Drop it, you!

Todd: I really don't
respond well under stress.

Franklin: ok, everybody,
just settle down.

I'm gonna get
my two peanuts,
and I'm getting out of here.

Take it.

Hmm.

Thanks, Todd.

Ok, I want you and you
up against the wall.

Robber: which wall?

I don't care. Frozen food.

Police! freeze!

Everybody just stay
rooted to your shoes,

and don't be moving.

Lieutenant erdman,
badge number 227.

Drop the gun.

Franklin: oh, jeez,
officer.

This isn't what you think.
I can explai...

Ohh! uhh.

Oh, you burn
your jewels?

Yeah. I'm getting
used to it.

I know the feeling.

Ok! ok! All right! Freeze!

I'd say you picked
the wrong store to Rob
this time, bucko.

Excuse me, lieutenant,
but I'm not robbing
this store.

Oh, yeah. And I suppose
that's just a bag
of doughnuts

you're holding there,
right?

They don't even
serve doughnuts
here.

You'd think
he'd know that.
You're a cop, right?

Drop the gun.

No, you drop
your gun.

Why don't you put
that gun on the ground?

Back off.

I think you're bluffing.

I don't think you'd
really hurt him.

Really?

You want to try me?

Ok, ok, ok.
Look, all right,

I'm gonna put
my gun on the ground.

I'm gonna put mine down, ok?

Oh! oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Great.
raspberry glaze.

Soak it in cold water.

Thank you
very much, ma'am.

And by the way,
somebody of your age

should be a little
more careful
with a handgun.

Bite me.

Come on.

Todd: thank you
for shopping at hammermans.

Erdman:
you are making
a big mistake.

Todd: good luck.

Bye, Todd.
Call me!

Erdman: I'm gonna hunt
you down, big guy.

Damn!

My truck's
blocked in.

Where's your car?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady!
What are you doing, lady?

This is my gun.

Give me the gun.
You have a permit for it?

Yes, I do have a permit.
I'm gonna tell
your superiors.

I will break your wrists.
Give me the gun.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

I have a very big
presentation today.

It's not a very good day
for me to be a hostage.

Hostage?
that's a great idea!
Come on.

Look, there's a lot
of other people here.

I mean, I'm not
hostage material.

Come on.

Wow!

This thing is roomy.

Daniel: this is not
a very good day for me,
you know?

I have a very big
meeting...Watch the man!

Franklin:
i see him. Whoa!

Hey, buddy,
doin' the moonwalk!

Officer,
these guys are the...

[Whispering]
stifle.

Ohh.

Allow me, officer.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Thanks a lot, big guy.

That was my car.

After you.

Lucy, Lucy,
I'm so sorry it wasn't me.

Ok. ok.

Ma'am, do you
have a car?

Yes, I do.

Is it here?

It's the galaxy...

Terrific. may I have
the keys, please?

No, you can't...
Thank you very much.

Yes, I can, ma'am,
because I'm
a police officer.

But my brakes are shot.

Put your cups down.
This is lieutenant erdman.

We got a 211 in progress.

We got an armed robbery
at hammermans gourmet to go.

It's off kennelworth.
Kennelworth's the deal.

Now, that suspect's got
a hostage, all right?

Now, they're
traveling north

in what we're gonna call
a sea green Toyota previa.

It's one of those Van deals,
all right?

Now, I'm in pursuit
in a commandeered '65 galaxy
convertible. Check.

Oh, man.

They sure don't make cars
like they used to.

[Car sputters]

It's a cryin' shame.

I can't believe
he stole our money.

Yeah. it's not fair.
We earned it.

You know, I have
half a mind to report him.

Yeah.
I'll tell you this...

I am not returning
his wallet.

Ha ha! Yeah.

Hey.

Ohh...

Huh? huh? Huh?

Wow!

Ow! what'd you do that for?

Sorry. I'm just excited.
I've never done anything
like this before.

No kidding.

I was scared.
Could you tell?

No. I was too busy
being terrified.

So what
do you think?

What do I think
about what?

About the robbery.
How'd I do?

I think you did...
Fine.

I mean, you robbed
everyone just fine.

Yeah, and the weird
part is I didn't
even mean to.

What do you mean you...
Red light! Red light!

Franklin: whoa!

[Horn honks]

What's your name?

Uh, it's Daniel.

Nice to meet you,
Dan.

It's Daniel. Daniel.

Sorry. got any candy
or gum or anything?

Uh, no.

Oh, great. Gummi bears.
All right.

Thanks.

Yeah, well, I think you
could...Trees! Trees! Trees!

Franklin: whoa! Whoa!

Daniel: oops! Oops!

Franklin: that was close.
You got a good eye.

Hey, you know what?
I just had an idea.
Why don't you let us go?

Us?

I mean me. I mean,
you know, me and the Van.

I mean, look,
you got your money here.

I could drop you
at the next bus stop.

At the bus stop?
Yeah.

Look, Dan, this
is my first time,

but I feel that most
successful getaways

avoid public
transportation.

Oh, my god.
What?

I lost my wallet.

Why?

I must have dropped it.

So?

So I can't drive
without a driver's
license.

You're gonna have
to switch with me.

Well, wait a minute.

I don't think that rule
applies while committing
a felony.

Good point.

Look, um,
maybe I haven't
explained to you

exactly how
important my meeting
is today.

See, I've been working
on this hammerman account
for about three months now,

and it's a very...
It's a good account...

Look, I don't like
this any more
than you do, ok?

I'm not
a perfect person.

I see a buck
on the ground,
i pick it up,

sometimes I take
15 or 16 items right
through the express Lane,

and I have a temper.

You know,
like my neighbor,

he was playing
his music too loud,

so...i killed him.

Now, I cut him up,
and I put him
in the freezer.

I'm just kidding ya,
just kidding ya.

Just trying to
break the tension.

I do that
when I'm nervous.

You know,
i never thought I'd
be the kind of guy

that did something
like this.

But you just don't know
what life's gonna
throw at you.

So I'll tell you what,
you just sit back,

relax, don't do anything
crazy, and everything's
gonna be ok.

Ok.

You got anything to eat
besides gummi bears?

No, I don't carry
anything else here.

Hey...what...

What are these guys
doing here? What?!

It was my day to drive
for the carpool.

Well...

[Horn honks]
Oh!
Ouch.

Are you gonna hurt us?

Of course not, honey.
I just need this Van
for a little while.

How many kids
are in here?

Uh, we...

Well, five
if you count Travis.

I'm Travis.

Good to meet
you, buddy.
Ooh, nice try.

I'm Franklin.

Hi.
how ya doin'?

I want the kids
out of here
right now.

Great.

Ok, come on, kids.

You heard the man. Come on.
Out of the Van.

Out of the Van. Come on.
Come on, let's go.

Come on, Chelsea, honey.
Let's go.

Make it snappy.

This is snappy!

Oh, bucky, get my
presentation materials, ok?

No, no, no.
You can't go anywhere.

What?

I need
a hostage.

What?

No, no...Andrew...

Hey, what are
you doing, kid?

I'm not leaving
without my dad.

Andrew, that's very brave,
but I'll be ok.
[Siren approaching]

Too late. Everybody
get back in. Come on.

Get in the Van, now,
quick. Hustle up.

Here comes erdman!

There goes erdman.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[Yelling]

[Honk]

What are you doing?

I'm just making sure
everything's ok.

Your presentation
stuff's fine, dad.

[Honk]

Yeah, this is erdman here.
I've got an update now.

The Van is going north
on 4th towards hillside,
all right?

Now, these brakes
are a little touchy
on my vehicle.

I need some backup now.

However, they must proceed
with extreme caution

because there are kids
in the Van.

Repeat...there are kids
in the Van. Check.

Whoa!

What in Sam hill was that?!

Ok...

Come on, baby.
Come on, baby. Start for me.

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

There's no answer
at his house either.

He's only an hour
and a half late.

Only an hour
and a half late?

We're talking about
Daniel Miller here.

This is a man
who's never been late
for anything in his life.

I'll tell you what.
Give him another
15 minutes,

and then...
Call the morgue.

Channel 3 interrupts
this program for
a special bulletin.

We take you now
to Scott Lewis,

standing by
in Roland park. Scott.

A little more
than an hour ago,

this hammermans
gourmet to go

was help up
by an armed gunman.

When an off-duty
Seattle detective

attempted to
thwart the robbery,

the desperate gunman
took off in a late model
green Toyota Van.

I have an eyewitness
standing by.

Ma'am, what did you see?

He was
a very annoying man.

The gunman?

No. the gunman
was very polite.

I'm talking
about the hostage.

When I met him
on the way in,

I told him the children
were adorable, and...

What children?

The five children
in the Van.

My god. There were
children in that Van?

What kind of a monster
would endanger the lives
of his innocent children?

I mean, my god.
In my 2 1/2 years
of broadcasting,

I have never encountered
such a callous disregard
for humanity.

The thoughts and prayers
of an entire city

go out to these poor,
desperate, frightened
children.

Hey! are you guys
crazy?

I didn't do anything
to you.

Stop it, kids.
He's driving!

Except for taking
you hostage and
stealing your Van,

but other than that,
i think I've been
pretty nice.

Oh, yeah? Did you
think up a plan yet?

Not yet.

Well, I think now
would be a very good time.

I'm a little busy
here, Dan.

This sure beats
going to school,
huh, kids?

Yeah!
yeah!
yeah!

Stop talking
to the criminal.

He's just being
friendly, dad.

I'm certainly not
going to talk to him.

Why not?

Chelsea has
this whole policy
on strangers,

and, trust me,
you don't want to
go down that road.

Well, your parents
taught you well, Chelsea,

but the truth is,
I'm not a stranger
anymore. I'm Franklin.

Ok.

You know,
it's so good

when parents
get involved
with their kids.

Of course,
i don't have to
tell you that.

Look at you, driving
the neighborhood
carpool.

Yeah, whatever. Look,
i know you need a hostage,

and believe me,
i understand
your predicament,

but I'm afraid I just
can't give the position

the attention
it deserves right now.

I'll be the hostage.

No, I wanna be
the hostage.

What about me?

How come I never get
to be the hostage?

That's because
you're a girl.

Hey, hey, hey. Girls
can be hostages, too.

I mean, we're heading
toward the 21st century,

and girls can be
whatever they want.

Right on, sister.

Ok, quiet, or nobody
gets to be the hostage.

Well, that
made sense, dad.

Ok, look, what'll it take
for you to let us go?

You want a personal check?
You want a credit card?

You know what?
Why don't you take the Van?

You can use it
for as long as you like.

As a matter of fact,
you know what?
Keep the Van.

Kids, say good-bye
to the Van.
It belongs to him now.

Listen, I don't want
anything from you.

I just want you to take
me where I'm going,

and then I'll
let you go. Deal?

Oh, so now you know
where you're going?

That's right.

You take me there,
and then I'll
let you go.

Do we have a deal?
Huh?

Deal.
[buzz]

Aah.

Franklin's mother:
Hey! What do you
think you're doing?

I guess we caught you
at a bad time.

What?

A real bad time.

What the hell
you talking about?

We're here
to see Franklin laszlo.

No way!

Hey! get out of here!

Be quiet.

Huh? hey!
Cut that out!

Are you nuts?

Get of my house!

And take your partner
with ya!

Aah!

Get out of here!

Damn fools!

[Door slams]

What the heck was that?

I have no idea.

It was human...

Wasn't it?

Are we almost there,
wherever we're going?

You're just like
a little kid.

I'll tell you
when we get there.

Once I glued
my eyelids open

so I could
stay up all night,

but then I sneezed
and ripped out
all my eyelashes.

Really? well, one time
i caught a whole bunch
of fireflies,

and I shoved
them up my nose,
and my eyeballs lit up.

Top that, little man.

[Siren]

Uh-oh. trouble.

[Crash]

You know,
this is like the way
my mom drives.

All right.
We lost 'em.

We're clear.

Wait a minute.
I'm mixed up.
Where are we?

Don't answer him, kids.

Dad, you said
a deal is a deal.

Shh!

Plus I should
remind you that
I'm heavily armed.

We're at Chuck E. Cheese,

where every night
is party night!

Conveniently located
in the empire park
shopping Plaza,

just off
Bradley boulevard.

Only 15 minutes
from downtown.

You kids are smart.

Kids: thank you.

Stop being polite
to the criminal.

Man, you're testy.

He's got hemorrhoids,
Franklin.

You got 'rhoids?

I do not have hemorrhoids,

but there is a police car
on our tail.

[Siren]

There's one ahead,
too.

Andrew: look out.

Chelsea: look out!

[Honk]

I need an idea.
I need an idea.

Somebody, anybody.

Garage! garage! Garage!

Andrew, stop that.

Back up.

We're going up.

Thanks, buck.
Keep us posted, would ya?

But up isn't such
a good idea, you know,

'cause there's
no way out from up.

Ah, teenagers.

Dad.
not now, Andrew.

Dad. dad.

Not now,
i told you, Andrew.

Dad, I really gotta
go to the bathroom.

Yeah, me, too.

Now?

I really gotta go, dad.

Franklin: hey, just think
dry thoughts, little buddy.

I'll find us a toilet
if it's the last thing I do.

Daniel: I told you to go
before we left home.

Aah!

They're on us again.

That car's
going to go out.

Don't help the man,
Chelsea.

We're going for the gate.

You can't make that.

Chelsea: watch out!
It's gonna squoosh us!

I'm too young to die!

We are not
gonna make it!

Franklin: you may be right.

Chelsea: aah!

Ooh!

Oh, boy!

[Cheering]

This is what I call...

Teamwork!

Well done. Thank you.

Hey!

Get me a car now!
Yes, sir.

You better change
the date on your
driver's license.

Oh!

Start the paperwork,
will ya?

Start the paperwork.

Yes, sir.

Damn!

You know, that's
a really sad story,

but not quite
sad enough.

I'm lieutenant erdman,
Seattle p.D.,
badge number 227.

Put this vehicle down,
truckie.

Right on!

Thank you,
officer. Thank you.
You're the best.

Don't mention it.

Oh, man,
people are always
badmouthing the police,

but let me tell you,
they're only doing
their job.

Man: hey! Somebody
call the cops!

** doin' it,
doin' it, doin' it **

** for hours again **

** I want to be sedated **

** nothin' to do **

** no where to go home **

** I want to be sedated **

** just put me
into britches **

** get me to the show **

** hurry, hurry, hurry... **

it's a great tape.
Is this yours?

Yeah, I got that.

I got everything by
the screaming idiots.

This is the ramones,
actually.

I haven't heard
the idiots yet.

Maybe you can
turn me on to them.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, we got
a big problem.

They know who we are
and what we're driving.

I suggest new hostages
and a faster car.

That's not the deal.

I gotta go
to the bathroom.

Can't you
hold it in, Andrew?

I gotta go
to the bathroom

or I'm gonna
explode!

All right,
we're gonna
do this

quickly
and quietly.

Me and the kid
go in,
do our business,

then we come back,
we're out of here.
Let's go.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute,
I'll take him.

I want Franklin
to take me.

But he's a criminal.

But he's
a nice criminal.

Thank you very much.
Let's go. Come on,
come on, come on.

At least your zipper's
already down.

Come on, kids.

That's gonna
look perfect.

So do you like
your in-laws?

Yes, I do.

Yeah? excuse me.

Daniel: hello.

Snip, tip,
perm, frost,

rinse, or fluff?

Whiz.

Daniel: my son really needs
to use the rest room.

I'm sorry.

Our rest rooms are
for customers only.

It's really an emergency.

Franklin: better
the bathroom
than the floor.

Ok, back there.

Hairdresser:
don't make a mess.

Stop. wait
right here,
guys, ok?

[Urinating]

[Franklin whistles]

No escape.

Give me your hand.

What? why?

Shh, shh, shh.

This is sick.

Shh!

Got a little
stage fright.

Turn on the water.
Turn on the water, please.

** oh, shenandoah,
i long to see you **

** away you rolling river **

** oh, shenandoah,
i long to see... **

why don't you try
thinking of baseball,
ok?

Right,
that's for sex.

Daniel: no, I think
it could work for both.

Try it.

Whoo, baseball,
baseball, ok.

Batter's up,
pitcher's on the mound.

He looks in
for the sign.

Shakes it off.

Ok, the pitch...

And...

Strike two.

Ok, but the batter's
a switch hitter,
fortunately.

Sorry,
I'm a natural righty.

Ok, what's
the best thing

about going to
a baseball game, huh?

Ice-cold beer.

Those big, giant cups
of ice-cold beer.

Oh, it tastes so good
going down.

Ohh...

Yes!

Oh, that is great!

My,
a conga line.

Is there room
for one more?

No, sorry.

Take a number,
buddy.

Sorry, no.

Thanks. he a friend
of yours?

No.

Lot of germs
in the bathroom,
I'll tell you.

Franklin:
here, like this.

Daniel: all right.

Stop with that,
all right?
Please stop it.

What's the deal?

That kid go about
once a week?

There goes my record.

[Toilet flushes]

Told you I had to go.

Well, you're
the new champ,
son.

Your country's
proud of you.

Watch this!

All right, kids.
Let's go.

I think I'm ready.

I said I'm ready.

I don't work here.

I said I'm ready.

I'm ready.

Daniel: what
are you doing?

She's ready!

What do you think?

I think you'll probably
have to wear a hat.

Come on. Let's go.
Let's go.

Can we go now?

Yeah. hey, hey,
what are you doing there?

We're waxing
her lips.

I just gently
pull this away,

and the hair
comes off.

That's so cool.

I'd never have to shave
mom's hump again.

Yeah, she's got a hump
on this side
of her back there.

Do you make house calls?

Well, why don't you
just send her in?

We're a lot of fun.

Yeah, well, she's not.

Hey, hey, look at that.

What do you call
that stuff?

It's hair magic.

Oh, yeah?

So what colors
does it come in?

Comes in jet black,
racy red,

Sterling silver,
and passion purple.

Really? well, uh,
what color would
you recommend

for a guy like me?

That all depends
on your personality.

In that case,
you better give me

all the passion purple
you got.

[Rip]

Hey!

Two cases, Bonnie.

Ready, set, go!

This is cool.

Heh heh.

Ha ha.

Man, it looks great,
don't it?

No. look,
i waited six weeks

for this
turquoise-frost color

that's not
sea foam green?

No. it's
turquoise-frost...

Purple's better anyway
'cause it's more manly.

It could turn lavender.
Then we'd all be in trouble.

That's it. You finish up,
I'm gonna make a phone call,

be right back.
We'll take off.

Why don't you
come with me?

No, I'll wait here.

Nah, come on.

No calls!

I mean,
no obscene calls.

He's trying to quit.

I am not.

Well, you should.

What's your number?

911.

Very funny.
Do you realize
if I get arrested,

you're not gonna make
your meeting anyway

'cause you're
gonna be filling out

police reports
till next October.

555-0113.

Thank you.

Don't tell your wife
where you are.

My wife? Oh,
right, right, yeah.

[Ring]

Yeah?

Honey, is that you?

Miller,
where the hell
are you?

Daniel: oh, I'm at
the hairdresser's,
darling.

Miller, hammerman
and his $10 million
account

is gonna be
waltzing in here
in a few hours.

I miss you, too, babe.
Don't worry, I know
it would be terrible

for me to miss my meeting.

As a matter of fact,
they would have
to kidnap me...

Easy.

Get your butt
in here with
the presentation.

Yes, dear.

Yeah, I will, dear.

What?

Of course, I need
your help, dear.

I'll bring the rest of me
with it, too, dear.

Yeah...what?

Of...yeah, I do.

Of course I love you.

Miller...

Ok, bye.

Jeffrey: have
you gone nuts?

[Dial tone]

You're a lucky man.

If I had that kind
of relationship
with my wife,

we'd still be together.

Hi.

Franklin's mom:
Franklin!

Where the hell
have you been?!

It's my mom.

Franklin's mom:
I'm starving!

Listen, um...
Yes, yes, yes.

Right now, I am getting
my hair done.

Yes. well, I guess
that makes me a sissy,
doesn't it?

Uh, I'll be home soon.

Mm-hmm. don't
go there, mom.

Don't go there.

Don't go there, mom.
I've got to, um...Please?

Don't...do not go
to sizzler, mom!

For the love of god!

Mom!

I'll take you out
when I get home, ok?!

After dark, mom!
Please, I beg you!

Thanks a lot, Bonnie.

Well see you.

This vehicle yours, sir?

Why? you wanna
handcuff me?

That's very funny.

You boys think the law

is something
to joke about?

No.
no.

No, as a matter of fact,
i was just about ready

to put another
quarter in there.

I must've just ran out.

This baby
is not even warm.

Really?

Back off!

We're talking about
a quarter here, ok?

There, two nickels
and a dime.

Keep the change.

Pick up
the money, sir.

What?

Pick up the money!

Maybe I should
explain...
Shut up.

I'm sorry.
What did I tell you

about being disrespectful
to officers of the law?

Help.

[Whistles]

You boys are looking
for freebies,
aren't you?

First it's free
parking time,

then it's
no income tax.

Well, somebody's
gotta pay,
you get me?

Good citizens pay.

We pay
with our lives

because there's
deadbeats like you

who are bleeding
this city dry.

Have you ever
shot anybody?

On the job, no.

Ohh!

Woman: that's him,
that's him!

Ohh!

Woman: he's on TV!

Ohh!

Whoa! we gotta go!

Everybody in the Van!

Ok, I'm sorry, officer,
you're right.

I was so rude,
and I apologize.

Thing is, he's having
a really bad day.

You're doing your job,
and you're doing
a great job at it.

Hey! this,
it's yours.

Thank you.

It's him!
It's him! Stop!

He's duh wobbah!

Woman: he's duh wobbah!

Pardon me, ma'am?

He's duh wobbah!

Duh wobbah?

What are you
talking about?

He's duh wobbah!

Whoa!

He's the kidnapper!
The robber!

That guy?

Oh, he's gonna pay!

Radio: attention,
lieutenant erdman.

Yeah, this is erdman.
Go ahead, dispatch.

We have a unit
in pursuit of a Van
on long street.

Bingo, bingo.
Well done.

Put me through
to that unit
in pursuit, will you?

I can't, sir.

What do you mean
you can't?

She won't take
the call.

Well, you just find out
that officer's name

and her shield number now!

Uh, she's in
parking enforcement.

She's not a meter maid,
is she?

Uh, as
a matter of fact...

Oh, boy.

Oy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy.

Let the street cops
handle this?

No way.

That rat bastard
is mine!

Ya-hoo!

She's definitely
after us.

[Horn honks]

Franklin,
she's gaining.

You're mine.

You are mine, man.

Franklin: hold on,
everybody.

[Horn honks]

Meter maid: Watch out!
Oh, oh!

Well, she's not
behind us anymore.

She's beside us!

Meter maid: Watch it!
Watch out, watch out!

Watch out!
Get out of the way!

Officer in pursuit!

Officer in pursuit!

Aah! ohh! Ohh!

Aah!

That ought
to slow her down.

Oh! oh! Oh!

Grr!

Rrr!

Can't keep me down.

Yeah, but
she's not giving up.
You gotta respect that.

Look out!

Whoa!

Oh! ok,
it's gonna be fine.

Gonna be fine, kids.
Get down. Now, now!

Franklin: come on!

Andrew:
leave me alone.

Listen, maybe
now's the time

to just give
yourself up, huh?

Hey, quitters
never win, Dan.

Remember that, kids.

What are you doing?

Those are my wife's.

What...what are you...

What seems to be
the problem, officer?

Uh, we're engaged in
a statewide manhunt.

Oh, what a coincidence,
so are we.

Somebody ripped off

a hammermans
gourmet to go.

Took a bunch
of kids hostage
in a green Van.

That is so sad.
You know,
i blame Hollywood.

Do they have
a description
of the suspect?

Honey! he's such
a gossip, he is.

No, I'm not.

This is just awful.

Don't you worry.
We'll find the people.

Officer, there's
really something
you should know.

Yes, there is.
You got a smudge
right here.

I do?
Franklin:
Right there.

Where?

Yes, you see it
right there?

Do you see it, too,
don't you honey?

Right there.
Right there.

Did I get it?

Ok, right there.
You got it,

you got it,
you got it.

Thanks.

I appreciate it
when people
tell me, so...

Officer...

Anyway, listen,
i hope you catch
that guy.

Right.
on your way.

They're probably
right under your noses.

Come on.

Oh, darn!

Now I find you in bed
with my mother.

What kind of father
are you?

We interrupt
this program
for a live update

from Scott Lewis.
Scott?

I'm standing in front
of Bonnie's beauty box,

where the hostage group
made a rather curious
stop earlier.

With me now is
one of the clients

who was in the shop
at the time.

Tell me
what you saw, ma'am.

Well, I was having
my lips...

Uh, tending
to my beauty needs...

And this maniac
comes in with a boy

who hasn't been allowed
to pee for days.

One of the kidnapped
children.

Yes. and another
little guy

with a weird,
misshapen head
and bulging eyes.

It was horrible.

I'll never forget
that poor little
frog boy.

Scott Lewis
with a live update
on the kidnapped children.

And to frog boy
and the others,

wherever you may be,

this reporter
is on your side.

Now, back to you, Brad.

Oh, we got company.

Relax, everybody.
Relax, relax.

Franklin: they're
driving away.

Andrew: whoo-hoo. Yes.

Erdman: oh, no.
Oh, boy.

Ho!

[Sirens]

Here we go again.

Daniel: what
are you doing?

Franklin: I'm driving
into the truck, Dan.

Didn't you ever watch
the a-team?

Andrew: cool.

[Buzz]

Franklin:
is it cold in here,
or is it just me?

Chelsea: I'm gonna
put on my jacket.

Andrew:
i need a jacket!

Franklin: all right,
bundle up together
if you're cold.

I'll turn on the heat.

Oh,
that's brilliant.

See, to get heat
you have to turn on
the engine,

thereby trapping
the fumes

and rendering
us all dead
by asphyxiation.

On second thought,
forget about the heat.

Who farted?

Ugh!

Nasty.

Did you cut
the cheese, Dan?

For god sakes,
no, I did not.

Something must have
crawled up inside of you
and died, brother.

I didn't do it,
ok?

What about you,
mister?

Hey, he who smelt it,
dealt it, Franklin.

Hey, you playing
the butt trumpet
back there, Kayla?

What?

Girls don't fart.

Really? come over
to my house sometime

and ask my mom
why the cats
committed suicide.

It's him!

Andrew: Travis.

"Fart spray."
That's great!

I gotta get some
of that for Keith.

Here, put that
in a safe place.

Who's Keith?

Uh, he's my son.

And today is
his 12th birthday.

Are you gonna give him
a birthday party?

I'd like to,
but he lives
with his mom.

It's impolite
to ask the bad man
personal questions.

Do you miss him?

Yeah, I miss him a lot.

Why don't you just
move back, then?

'Cause my ex-wife
wouldn't like that
very much.

We didn't get along
too well.

Why not?

Well, it's
mostly my fault.

I wasn't
a very good provider
like your dad is.

That's why I was gonna
Rob the bank, too.

'Cause I was about
to lose my business,

and I got all these
people dependent on me.

And then when
i couldn't even afford

to buy Keith
a birthday present,

I mean, that was
the last straw.

That's so sad.

I bet you and Keith
have lots of fun
together.

Yeah, we do.
We go to a lot
of ball games.

Actually, we sneak in
to a lot of ball games.

He's a big seahawks
fan like I am.

That's what
i was gonna get him
for his birthday,

was a football autographed
by all the seahawks.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah.
I mean, we go hiking,
and we go biking,

we go roller-blading,

and we have
burping contests.

Yeah. he said
we're like best friends.

I just, uh,
don't get to see him

as much as I'd like to.

Hey, I bet you guys

do a lot of cool stuff
together, too, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
We...

Franklin: hey,
i think we're stopping.

Doors! doors!

Woman: aah!

Kayla:
it's the mall!

I've never been here
on a school day.

Who can we shop for?

Ooh, the mall.
Window shopping.

Excuse me, excuse me,
coming through!

Franklin:
ok...oh, buddy!

Get out of
the way there, pal!

Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
Coming through.

Excuse me.
Uh, sorry, sir.

Sorry. thanks,
old-timer.

Talk to you later.
All right,
coming through.

Franklin: uh,
sorry, folks.

Great job.
There we are.

All right.
Sorry about that.

This is Clarence.

I got
a big problem here.

No, it ain't
no shoplifter.

It's a grape minivan
moving through the mall!

Well, you lay down
in front of it, then!

Radio: minivan located
in the northfield mall.

All units in
the vicinity respond.

Yeah, this is erdman.

I'm three minutes away.
Check.

Eat my dust, sucker!

I'm two minutes away.

I knew boring
those cylinder heads

would pay off.

Franklin:
right, sir.

Sorry,
sorry about that.

I'm ok. Thank you
very much.

Sorry about...
All right, heads up.

Beep beep! Let's go.
I can't drive.

Excuse me.
Gangway!

Daniel: may I just
say something?

What's that?

Mall, mall, mall!
We are driving
through a mall.

Franklin: yeah, I know.
I thought I'd do
a few laps first.

How do we get
out of here, kids?

Monroe street exit
or west market?

Bucky: take
west market.

Wait a minute.
Why are you guys
helping him?

We like him.
He's fun.

You're on his side?

But I'm the good guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

It's true, kids.

Good guy, bad guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

Funny.

Thank you,
but it's true.

We got this guy now.

Everybody start
fanning out,
all right?

I want you
exits left.

You,
exits right.

Fan out,
cover them all now!

Franklin: all right,
making a left.

Freeze, dirtbag!

She's got spunk.

Get out of the Van!

What are you
packing?

Spear gun.

Where did
you get it?

Cards n' things.

Is that down
by pretzel man?

No. third level,
across from roots.

By lady
footlocker?

Get out of the Van!

Listen, I'm gonna
get her to move.

Don't leave
without me.

You know,
i really like you.

I...i do.

So I'd like you to put
that down so we could
just talk about this.

Talk is cheap!
Kiss the marble.

With my lips?

Ok, bucko,
let me see those armpits.

You can back off now.
I'll take over from here.

Drop your gun.

Drop it.
It's my collar.

I'm the commanding officer
in this pursuit,

and you are a meter maid.

So what?

Just put the gun
on the ground.

You wish.

For once in your life,

would you obey
the chain of command?

Now put the spear gun on
the ground and walk away.

Oh, you're the expert
on walking away,
aren't you?

Ok, that was a bad
choice of words.

You're right,
you're right.

It was more like
running away,
wasn't it?

Martha, do we have
to get into this now?

What would you think
of a hot-shot,
ex-marine m.P.,

who after
eight long years,

finally asks his former
drill instructor

to marry him?

Put the gun down.

The church is filled

with red, white,
and blue flowers.

The bridesmaids
are spit-polishing
their jackboots.

And I'm there.

Just one thing missing...

The groom.

So after
an extensive recon,

I had to climb up
on that altar

and tell the people
who mean the most to me
in my life

that, in fact,
you had just
chickened out.

What would you do?

I'd shoot him.

Woman shopper: Yeah.

Martha?

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

All right, kids.

Hang on.

Martha:
hey, come back!

Don't move!

Hey, you, stop it!

Hey, you,
stop this minute!

Wait! stop him!

Hey!

Want to hit
that unlock button
there, mister?

I'd really rather not.

Call me at the office.

Get in!

Andrew, don't.

We don't need
the bad man anymore.

Thanks. great job!

You guys just about
lost me, man.

Stop! stop it!

Martha:
stop or I'll shoot!

Ok, I'll drive.

No, no!

I am taking
control.

I have a meeting,

and I am tired
of being chased

and of people
threatening me
with Spears.

These things
don't happen to me.

I am a presbyterian!

Dad?

I'm coming, you dirtbag!

Watch out! Here I come!

Police!
coming through!

Everybody get
out of the way!

I'm after you, bud.

Out of the way,
everybody.

Everybody,
out of the way.

Watch it.
Hey, watch it!

Watch out! Watch it!

Coming through!

Hey, buddy,
i got you now!
You are mine!

Oh!

Whoa!

Ooh!

Whoa!

Franklin.
Franklin.

Ohh!

Shopper:
a wipeout!

Out of the way!

Everybody,
out of the way!

Martha.

Huh?

Are you ok?

Did you fall
a long way?

Uh-huh.

Ambulance? you sure?

You all right?
Do you want me
to do anything...

Get off of me!

Want me
to drive?

No. get in!

Hold on.

All right.

Tighter.

That is good.

This guy's gonna be trapped.
All units close in.

Oh, this doesn't
look good.

Oh, yeah?

Did I mention
that this Van has
four-wheel drive?

Go around!
No, go around!
No, no, no!

All right. Go, go.

Franklin: oops,
sorry about that.

Sorry. it's ok, ok.

Out of your way...
Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, ok!
Go, go, go!

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Freeze!

All right,
send out
the hostages!

We got 'em now.

Well done, boys.

Buckle up.

He's gettin' away!

We can
blow through that.
It's only glass.

You're forgetting
one important
piece of information!

We're on the second floor!

Next time, I think
I'll walk to school.

Wow.

Dispatch, this is
lieutenant erdman here.

The Van has eluded
our grasp again.

I want choppers.

Yeah, I want helicopters!

I want the whole fleet!

The whole armada!
Fly 'em in!

Toodle-oo.

[Television playing]

[Groaning]

TV: as we show them to you,
we warn you,

do not adjust your TV sets.

This is the one
nicknamed frog boy.

There are apparently
at least four other children
who look normal,

but there is a theory
that all of them

may be part of some
bizarre government
experiment.

** bah bah bah bah
buh bah bah bah bah **

** I want to be sedated **

** bah bah bah bah
buh bah bah bah bah **

** I want to be sedated **

one more time!

** bah bah bah bah **

** buh bah bah bah bah **

** I want to be sedated **

whoo!

Yeah!

Excellent job
of driving, Daniel.

I was pretty good,
wasn't I?

Oh, yes!

You were great!

I watch a lot
of action movies.

Hey, buddy, it shows.

You were awesome, dad.

Yeah, well, thanks.

That was fun,
wasn't it?

[Tire blows out]

Whoa! oh.
Oh, no, what was that?

Franklin, look at this.

I told you not to drive
through the food court.

Ok, here we go.

Lower. lower. Lower.

Aah! higher! Higher.
Higher. Higher.

Jeez. you're worse
at changing a tire

then you are
at taking hostages.

Well, that's
all right,

because you guys
aren't hostages anymore,
you're my friends.

Uh, Franklin,
we're...We're not
your friends, ok?

Ok. you're family

[laughing]
no. no.

No one in my family
robs gourmet markets.

Really?

Yeah. I'm sure of it.

Well, I'll
tell you what.

I did it to save
a carnival.

Oh, a carnival.

That's right.

Oh, well,
that's really...

That's a worthy cause.

Well, it is.

I employ
41 1/2 people.

That's 43 mouths
to feed.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you know what?

You can't be
doing too well

if armed robbery
is the best way
you can think of

to bring in new capital.

Well, you're right.
We're not doing too well.

And quite frankly,

this political
correctness thing

is killing the sideshow.

But the truth is
we do something

a lot better
than making money.

Oh, really?
What's that?

We make people happy.

You should see
the kids' faces
when they see the show.

You love kids, huh?

Yes, I do.

You love kids?

That's right.

Yeah, well, what
kind of a guy

holds five kids
at gunpoint
all day long?

You're right.

Huh?

When you look at it
like that, you're right.

Yeah, I am right.

Ok.

No! no! No...

[Laughing]
isn't that great?

You held me hostage...

With a lighter?

Yeah.

You idiot!

You kidnapped me,

you forced me to go
to the bathroom
with you,

you...you flash-froze me,

you drove me
through a mall,

and you didn't even
have the courtesy

of being armed
and dangerous!

I know. But it was
fun, wasn't it?

Kids: wait! Wait!
We had a great time.

All right!
All right! Get away!

Just get away
from me, ok?

You know what?

Find your
own way home, ok?

Come on, kids.
I'm going to my meeting.

Daniel, I thought
we had a deal.

You promised him, dad.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's a promise
that I am breaking.

Andrew, what
are you doing?

I'm staying with him.

You always told us
a deal is a deal.

Well, that doesn't apply

when you're held
against your will, son.

That's ok,
Andrew.

Go with
your dad,
all right?

No.

I'm with them,

but it takes me
too long

to get out and
back in, so...

I'll just
stay here.

Ditto.

Just go to your
meeting, dad.

We'll walk
with Franklin.

No.

A deal is a deal.

Come on.

Well, here we are.

Yeah.

Glad this is over.

Yeah. yeah, me, too.

Well, that's
the deal, you know.

So...

Be sure to write
from prison.

Ok. I will.

Right.

Kids,

I'm gonna miss you guys.

Thanks for everything.

I'll see you around, ok?

Bye, Franklin.
Bye.

I'll miss you.

Bye.
bye.

I gotta use
the ladies room.

Me, too.

Me, three.

No. he doesn't have
a bathroom here.

I've got a bathroom,

and it's clean,
and it's warm.

Come on in.

Lots of stuff
that I want to show
you guys.

It'll just
take a second.

What?
what? what?

I can't see.

I'm scared.

[Slap]

Bucky!

What? I thought
you might be scared,

so I grabbed
your shoulder.

That wasn't
my shoulder.

It wasn't?

No.

Wow.

I know what part
that was.

I'm getting out.

Oh, this isn't funny.

Franklin!

Daniel: Franklin!

Where are you?

Ohh.

Ladies and gentlemen,
kids of all ages,

fun-lovers
and thrill-seekers.

Welcome to the
laszlo brothers carnival.

[Carnival music playing]

You have to see
three spectacular rides

and unbelievably
amazing spectacles.

A Ferris wheel.

It's neat.

Tilt-a-whirl.

Would you look
at that.

The merry-go-round. I
love the merry-go-round.

Let's go.
Come on.

Franklin: now, enjoy.

Now, this is where
we store the rides
between shows,

keep them set up
for safety testing.

We got a Ferris wheel,
tilt-a-whirl,

zipper, merry-go-round,
bumper car.

Daniel: I love
the bumper cars.

Actually, it's
bumper car.

The bank repossessed
the rest of them.

Mind if I sit here?

Not you again.

It looks complicated.

Complicated?
a trained monkey
could operate it.

In fact he was
until we had that hassle
with the humane society.

Dad, will you ride
the Ferris wheel
with me?

Oh, I'm not getting
on that thing, Travis.

Oh, we won
that lawsuit.

What?

Ok. we tied,
but it's still safe.
I guarantee it.

All right, kids, pull
the safety bar tight
against your waist.

And if you gotta puke,
puke to the left.

Hold on.

See, that's easy.

Come on. I'll let you
start the Ferris wheel.

All right,
buckle up, buddy.

Bucky: whoa!

Hang on,
Andrew, ok?

Ok, put
your hand here.

Slowly. slowly.

And...

There it goes.

Hey, you know,
actually you've done
a pretty good job.

Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna miss it.

Yeah.

Ha ha.

I'm giving
the money back.

Damn right
you are.

Remember us?

You know,
criminal to criminal,

my advice to you is...

Never, ever
leave your truck parked

near the scene
of the crime.

Especially with
your name and address

plastered all over
the side of it.

That's good advice,
fellas.

I really
appreciate it.

But listen,
we're closed.

If you could come back
next Tuesday morning...

Give me your gun.

Thanks.

Now...

Go get our money.

We got a ring toss.
We got a dunk tank.

We got
a merry-go-round.
It's a lot of fun.

If you want to...
You could try it.

This is great.

Think fast.

Huh? huh?

This is it.

Sorry. I don't smoke.

No, you don't.
I'll take that.

All right. Don't move.

We got the money
this time, and
we're walking.

Andrew: help!

Help me!

Help!

Oh, no.

It's a runaway.
I gotta stop it.

Isn't there
an emergency brake?

Yes. right here.

Daniel: pull harder.

We gotta stop this.

It's broken.

It's shorted out.

I need something
to jam up these gears.

Get me...

It's gonna be...It's
gonna be too thick.

Hang on, Andrew.

Hang on, buddy. We're
gonna get you down.

How about this?

Yeah. come on.

I think this'll work.

Dad!

All right,
you keep this
jammed in here.

I'm gonna
go get the kid.

No. no, he's my son.

I'm gonna go.

Andrew: come on!
Somebody!

Be careful.

Please! somebody!
Help!

Don't worry.
Here I am.

Dad! come on!

Help me!

Please!
come on, dad!

Help me!

I'll be right there,
Andrew.

Aah! dad!

Dad, help!

Please, somebody!

Anybody!

I'm scared.

Please.
I'm really scared.

Help me.

Ok.

Hold on,
Andrew.
Come on.

Dad, please!

Help me! Please!

Ok, Andrew.

Grab my hand.

I'm scared.

So am I,

but I'm your father
and I love you,

and I won't drop you.

Got you.

It's ok. I got you.

He got him.
Come on, Andrew.

Better hurry up, guys!

Hurry up!

Come on.

There's no time.

Ok, you're never
gonna make it.

Throw Andrew
down to me

and then you
jump right there.

Ok, grab my hand.

Pitch him down to me
and jump over there.

Come on.
I will catch him.

I guarantee it.

Hurry up.

Trust me, Daniel.
You gotta move.

Bucky: hurry, dad.
Come on.

Whoa!

Good job, buddy.
Good job.

You're in good hands
with Franklin.

Yeah. ok, jump!

Jump!

It's gonna go!
Hurry up, Daniel.

Hey, you'll
bounce on it.

Jump! jump!

Dad, you can do it.

Oh!
yes! ha ha.

Dad?

Dad?

Where is he?

[Squeak]

[Squeak]

Face fits.

[Squeak]

Dad!
you're ok.

Mr. Miller.

Thank you.

Are you
all right?

Mr. Miller.

Be careful.

All right.

You ok?

You ok?

Thanks.

All right, dad.

It must have been
really scary.

What about those guys?

[Groaning]

I've got an idea.

[Carnival music playing]

Please don't.

Please, no.

All right.

I have vertigo.

Yeah! see you
later, suckers!

[Cheering]

[Yelling]

Oh, I'm sorry
about your presentation.

I don't know
if the materials

are still gonna be
good or not.

No, that's ok.

I couldn't
make it there
in time anyway.

You could if I drove.

[Horn honking]

What is a grocery store

but a big refrigerator?

A cold place for food...

With a door.

And when the door is open,

the light is on.

A-a-and when it's closed...

Recently, kirk
has suffered
a head injury.

Only one?

Well, that's it.

This whole thing
has been a complete
waste of my time.

Let's go, Victor.

Mr. hammerman.

Sorry.

Hi. I'm
Daniel Miller.

I'm sorry I'm late,

but I, um...

Well, let's just say
i got held up.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we just
say good-bye?

Mr. hammerman.

One half-hour
from now,

you'll be
the newest client
of Bauer and Cole.

A half-hour from now

I shall have been
back in my office...

For 20 minutes.

Look, maybe
there's something
you don't understand.

Somebody robbed
one of my stores,

some psychopath,
and then he took
children as hostages.

Now, it may not
mean much to you,
but to me

it is the greatest
public relations crisis
in my life.

Is that understood?

And I have to get
back to it.

Can you get that
in your heads?

Hi, I'm your
psychopath.

Kids: and we're
the hostages!

Actually, I'm not
really a psychopath.

There's most
of your money,

minus what I spent
for hair dye
for the car.

Mr. hammerman, I, um,

I want a do-over.

A do-what?

Well...

Like Mrs. karkinney's
five husbands.

You know,
a do-over,

like a mulligan
in golf,

except you don't
lose your balls.

But if you do
lose your balls,

I'll help you
find them.

Could you...
Could you just
give me 20 minutes?

No.

10 minutes?

No. I'll tell you
what I'll do.

I'll give you...

Until the time it takes
the police to get here.

Victor!

Well, this is
a pretty good
neighborhood,

so I'd say
you'd got about
three minutes.

Victor: I'm calling
from the office...

Mr. hammerman...

The kidnapper you've
been looking for

is here with the kids.
Right. Good.

Do you know what
your store's slogan
should be?

Kids hate hammermans.

It's true, because
when I ask my kids,

they say your stores
are no fun.

Yeah. they suck.

Oh ho. She's a cute
little devil, isn't she?

Well, actually,
children are not

our target demographic.

That's
your problem, pal.

The name is hammerman,
not "pal."

Every day
two or more
of your customers

retire and
move to Florida.

Or forest lawn.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean,
this city is getting...

It's getting younger,
not older.

I mean, five years
from now, you're
gonna have

a serious customer
shrinkage problem.

Franklin: that's
right. Because when
people get older,

they start
shrinking.

Well, the point is,
you see, Mr. hammerman,

these kids,
they're your future.

I'm from the future.

You have to start
selling things

that kids
really like.

Like hot dogs.

Yeah, hot dogs with that
really hot cheese
in the middle of it.

You know, that
when you bite it,
it burns your lip.

You know what?
Because you're
hammermans,

they're gourmet
hot dogs.

And you know
what "gourmet" means?

And for god's sakes,
get some doughnuts.

Research has proven
that upscale consumers
do not like doughnuts.

I don't know. I...

My grandchildren
like doughnuts

I like doughnuts.

Hey, I love
doughnuts.

You know what
my favorite
kind are?

Those
custard-filled
long-Johns

with the white
sugar frosting
on top of it.

Those are great.

Nah hah hah.

That's not
a doughnut, my friend.

A doughnut should be
about that big,

chocolate, chocolate
on the inside,

and on the top
you put the creamy
chocolate frosting.

That is a doughnut.

I hope they have
those in prison.

Mr. hammerman,

if anyone can
make your store fun

and...and, you know,
kid-friendly.

I mean, if anyone
can save hammermans
gourmet to go,

it's Bauer and Cole.

That's right. See,
i didn't advertise
with Bauer and Cole,

and I went
out of business.

Yeah, but somehow
i think that advertising

was the least
of your problems.

You got a point
there, buddy.

Gimme five.

My name is hammerman,

and I wouldn't
give you three.

Ok.

You gentlemen,
you have a slogan
for this campaign?

Um...

Hammermans!
kills bugs dead!

Hammermans! you're
soaking in it!

Hammermans...

Uh, thank you,
Travis, that was
a good try.

Hey, I don't
make them up,

I just
memorize them.

Yeah, um, uh,

our slogan is, um,

um, hammermans...

Because your kids are
the most important thing
in the world to you.

I like it.

All right!
Yeah!

Good job.

Yes.
yes.
yes.

I don't know
why I like it,

but I like it.

Bucky: all right.

Ok. so when can you guys
make a formal presentation?

I'll have to get
a tuxedo.

He can have that ready
for you first thing
Monday morning.

Um, actually,
Jeffrey, uh...

No.

I can't.

I've got some
very important things

that I have to do
this weekend.

What could be
more important
than your job?

Spending time
with my family.

You know, like
roller-blading,

backpacking, um...

Burping contests.

[Burps]
[burps]

Burping contests.

Oh, yeah, and I'm
taking my wife and kids
on a vacation.

Disneyland?

Maui?

Beirut?

And...and, Jeffrey,
when I get back,

I'm not gonna
be able to work
weekends anymore.

And, uh, I'm gonna
have to be home
by 6:00 every day.

Ahem.

Oh, right, Andrew.
Except on Tuesdays,

I have to be out
by 3:00 to, uh,

coach my son's
little league team.

But that's
not possible, Daniel,

because you're
gonna be a partner.

You know what,
Jeffrey, you're right.

It's...it's not possible.

And I'm sorry,
but I quit.

You quit?

Yes.

Uh, uh, fine!

Don't worry,
Mr. hammerman.

Kirk here will handle
your campaign.

I'm not worried
about anything.

You're through.

I want to work with them.

I could use
a nut like you down
at the carnival.

Maybe you
could geek.

You ever
bit the head
off a chicken?

Not lately.

Because of the kids,
I'll drop the charges

if you'll do 500 hours
community service.

And that's about it.
Except...

There will be
doughnuts.

Yes!
doughnuts!

All right.

Franklin!
Franklin!

Hey, how you doing,
Travis?

I want you
to meet somebody.

All righty.

That's Franklin.

[Whimpers]

Greetings, Franklin.

So you must be
Travis' father.

[Bzzt]

God's sakes.

[Horn honking]

Hey.

Where'd you
learn to drive?

From you.

I'm a great driver.

Not according
the the department
of motor vehicles.

Listen, I like
riding the bus.

That's where I discover
all the new acts
for the sideshow.

Right.

Come on. What
took you so long?

Well, I didn't take
our usual shortcut
through the mall.

That's another joke,
isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

That's good. It's good.

This way! This way!

Get your gourmet
doughnuts, please!

Come and get them!

The doughnuts!
The anchovies!

Thought he
was gonna be
a silent partner.

Maybe our
asparagus doughnut.

Hey, you!

How'd you like
to buy a nose, eh?

I still can't
believe it.

I can't
believe it either.

We open up
a whole new
market for him,

and he gives us
a whole new
source of capital.

Ok, folks, come on.
Gourmet doughnuts.

Franklin: well,
I'm glad he dropped
the charges.

I got 495 more
hours of community
service.

Gonna be out
at the park
tomorrow.

You want to join me?

Not if you held
a gun to my head.

Yeah, they got me
scraping gum out

from underneath
the benches.

Tell you one thing,
after spending
all that time,

on my hands and
knees at the park,

I'm definitely
in favor of that
pooper-scooper law.

Dad.

Hey.

Hey, son.
How are you?

Franklin, my mom
really wants
to meet you.

How are you?

Still a little
tender.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

The little lovebirds
right there.

Kayla: Franklin.

How you
doing, buddy?

Hi.
hi.

I don't know what
you did to him,

and I don't want
to know, but I'm
glad you did it.

Me, too,
Franklin.

Come on, man,
you're embarrassing me
in front of the carnies.

Sorry.

You know, last time
i got hugged that hard,

mom broke
three of my ribs
and ruptured my spleen.

I missed most
of the first grade.

Hey, where is
your mom, anyway?

Oh, I was gonna
meet her for lunch.

Aah!

[Sirens]

Go, go, go, go.

Move it. Move it.
Move it.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Mrs. laszlo: What's
a woman have to do

to get some service
around here.

Get out of my way!

Get back in there.

No, no, man!

She bit me!

Salad bar? Well,
that's what I think
of your salad bar!

Oof.

Aah.

From now on,
I'm going to Denny's.

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** and I'll make
everything all right **

** I know you haven't
found a good girl **

** one to love you
and give you the world **

** now you have,
that you've been confused **

** talk to me,
I'll do what you choose **

** I want to be **

** tell mama **

you get back here, waiter.

I want that shrimp.

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** and I'll make
everything all right **

** that girl you had
don't have no sense **

** she wasn't worth
all the time that you spent **

** she had other men
to throw you outdoors **

** now my same man
is wearing your drawers **

** I want ya to **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** and I'll make
everything all right **

** yes, I will **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** about it **

** about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** about it **

** about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** yeah **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want, baby **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** and I'll make
everything all right **

** she will
embarrass you anywhere **

** and everybody know
that she didn't care **

** give me a chance, man,
I'm beggin' you **

** I just wanna
take care of you **

** I want you to, yeah **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** tell mama **

** hey, tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** tell mama **