Original subtitles

[Horn honks]

Man: let's go! Let's go!

It's a school day, not a carnival day.

[Car engine starts]

[Car drives away]

[Car engine starts]

[Car drives away]

[Car door opens]

Woman: get in the car, kids. Time for school.

I am sorry, Aria,

but you cannot bring that in our Van.

It's disgusting.

Little girl: But he's my brother.

[Car whizzes by]

Woman: come on. Hurry up, Charlie.

We're ready to go.

[Honk honk]

Woman: hurry up.

Woman: get...In...The car.

[Car door closes]

[Honk honk]

Man: move it. Move it.

[Honk honk honk]

Man: come on, we're waiting.

[Honk honk honk]

Woman: hurry up.

Woman: kids, it's time for school.

Little boy: Again?

Little girl: But we went yesterday.

Get in the car!

Little girl: Mom, how come you always drive us to school in your bathrobe?

Woman: because the principal gets mad when I do it in the nude.

Man: Vicki, I told you, no frogs in the Van.

No, not out the window!

[Tires squeal]

[Crash]

Children: are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Woman: stop saying that!

When will we get there?

When will we get there?

When will we get there?

When will we get there?

[Clock chimes]

[Toilet flushes]

Ohh.

Ohh.

I don't believe it. I fell asleep practicing

our presentation to Mr. hammerman.

Why did you let me oversleep?

I have to go in early today.

Ohh.

What's the matter?

I'm dying.

I've been throwing up

for the last three hours.

Oh, honey, honey. That's too bad.

You know what? I'll call you from work,

and I'll check on you, ok?

Daniel...

Must be a bug going around, huh?

Excuse me.

Yeah?

I'm sick.

Which tie do you think...

The striped, the blue, or the burgundy?

I'm sick!

I think the burgundy.

Daniel!

What? what do you need? What?

Soup? water? A bucket?

We have two kids. They have to get ready for school.

Ok, ok. I'll get them ready. Don't worry.

And then they have to actually go to school.

The carpool?

That's generally how they get there.

Oh, honey, no. No, please.

Anything but that.

It's my week.

I don't have time, ok? I don't.

When's your meeting? 4:00?

Can't somebody else do it?

What about one of the neighbors? What about Mr. kupek?

He's 88.

So he'll drive real slow.

He's had three strokes.

But never while driving.

All you have to do is drive them to school.

15, 20 minutes, tops.

I'm not asking you to raise them as your own.

Look at this. I'm already running seven minutes late.

I can't believe this.

Come on, Mr. "I've never been late in my life

because I set my watch 10 minutes fast."

That gives you a three-minute cushion.

All right, all right. You're right. I'm sorry.

I'll...i'll do it.

Thank you!

Don't forget, you have to pick up Travis.

Why?

He joined the carpool last week.

That kid scares me. He's weird.

He's just a child.

Well, he's a very weird child.

He's not weird.

They had him tested.

Listen, are you sure that you can't do this?

I mean, you're done throwing up, aren't you?

It's the carpool, not an armed robbery.

Ok. I'll do it.

Where are you going?

Have you forgotten the judge took the carnival away?

I said, where are you going?

I got a little errand to run.

There may be a gentleman caller!

Mom, I told you not to wear my shirts anymore.

You're stretching them all out.

Then take it off.

[Knock on door]

And answer the door!

Whew.

[Knock knock knock]

Hey! how are you?

Is it a gentleman caller?

No, mom. It's erno and Alexandra and some of the others.

Watch it, Franklin. They're carnival people. They steal.

What's the occasion, guys?

Franklin, we came to give you our paychecks back.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Well, sure we did.

These bounced.

You've been very good to us, Franklin.

We can't hold up no more.

I got offer from wingling brothers.

The ringling brothers?

No, wingling brothers.

All right, guys, come on.

Let's stick together.

Let's have a little faith, all right?

Now, the judge gave me 48 hours

to come up with the money, and I will do that.

You guys just have to hold tight, ok? Arf!

Arf!

[Whimpering]

Andrew!

Bucky!

Come on, let's go!

Zip up your zipper.

I like it down.

What?

I like my zipper down.

Why?

It's breezier.

It's illegal.

All the kids are wearing them like that.

Name one, and I'm calling his parents.

Bucky!

Here. you have to sign this.

What? what is it?

Spelling test.

Ha. looks like the only thing

correctly spelled here is the "f."

It doesn't matter. Mrs. karkinney's giving me a do-over.

A do-over?

I messed up, so I get a second chance.

Mrs. karkinney says everybody should get a second chance.

Well, that's only because she's been married five times.

Let me tell you something, sport.

In the business world,

you only get once chance to get it right, so study, ok?

I do.

Well, apparently, not hard enough.

Here.

Bucky!

Come on, bucky, we're running late.

Chill out, dad. I'm right here.

Oh. hi.

Just getting my hat.

Glad you could... Join us.

Ok.

Here we go.

Coffee.

Andrew, what are you waiting for?

Breakfast.

No, no time. Come on.

We'll grab some doughnuts on the way.

Yes!

Hey, guys, i was thinking,

maybe we could go to a seahawks game sometime soon.

You know, tailgate, make a whole day out of it.

It'll be just like that mariners game

you were going to take us to,

only you had to work instead.

No, no, no. I really mean it this time.

A deal is a deal. We are going to a game.

Yeah, right.

Hey, you know, if i didn't work so hard,

you guys wouldn't even have a football to throw at me.

Um, dad.

Yeah?

Mr. kupek's working in his yard again.

Oh, yeah.

See, let that be a lesson to you boys.

The world says that he can't drive a car

just 'cause he's a little forgetful.

But look at him. He's a vibrant, healthy man.

He's able to do anything he puts his mind to.

Good morning, Mr. kupek.

Hello, boys.

Andrew: dad, Mr. kupek isn't wearing his pants.

I know, son.

From now on, you kids stay away from him, ok?

Bye, mom.

Don't forget, I want to go to sizzler tonight.

You know you're not allowed at sizzler anymore, mom.

That salad bar said, "all you can eat."

Yeah, but it was closing time.

I wasn't finished!

You'd been there since noon, mom.

They cheated me!

Well, maybe so, but they also got a court order,

so if you go back now, it's a violation of your probation, ok?

We'll talk about it later.

Listen, cutey-pie, when they repossess the truck,

you don't have to leave them any gas.

Right. you're the expert on gas, mom.

Come on, already.

Bucky: this happens every day.

Andrew: she's the slowest human on this planet.

Just leave her, dad. Yeah.

Don't tempt me.

Come on, Chelsea, honey. We're running a little late.

Where's Andrew's mom?

Well, she's sick.

I'm not supposed to ride with strangers, though.

No, I'm Andrew's father.

I have no way of knowing that.

Trust me.

That's exactly what a stranger would say.

I'd like to see some identification.

Chelsea...

Mommy!

Ok, ok. Here. Look. Here. See?

Driver's license.

You know, you used to have a lot more hair.

Get in the car.

Wait! stop!

I'm getting motion sickness! Stop!

Bucky, close the door, and let's roll.

Wait!

What now?

My sister's coming.

Thank you, god.

Bucky.

Hello. can I get in, or what?

Oh, yeah, sure. Cool.

I'll move to the back.

Sit down.

Thanks, Mr. Miller.

My mother usually takes me,

but she had breast-reduction surgery yesterday.

They removed 14 ounces from each breast

and then relocated her nipples.

To where?

Bucky, close the door.

Stay loose. You can do it.

Nobody's gonna get hurt.

Unless they shoot me,

which they won't because I'm gonna draw first.

Unless they push that red button under the counter,

which would be bad, but...

I know it's gonna be fine.

There he is.

What is that?

Andrew: that's Travis.

Greetings, earth people!

Prepare to be probed.

Alien terminated.

Get in the Van, Travis.

I'm sorry, Mr. Miller.

[Buzz]

** reach out **

** reach out and touch someone **

sit down.

Where?

I don't know.

Anywhere but in the front seat with me.

Daniel: buckle up.

Nice outfit, Travis.

Here. here. Here.

Let me show you...

How you're... Supposed to...

Do this.

Don't they have seat belts in outer space?

Bucky, are you trying to look down my shirt?

Uh, no, no, no.

It-it's my neck.

Yeah, my chiropractor says I have to do these neck-stretching exercises.

Yeah...right.

Whoa! you scared me.

Excuse me, sir. I'd like you to open a safe for me.

I...i...i mean an account, a safe account.

Ha ha. Whoa!

But you're not open yet,

so I'll just go grab a cup of coffee and come back later.

Ok, good talkin' to you.

See ya in just a few minutes, all right?

Right there. I missed it.

[Rock music plays]

** 20-20-24 hours to go **

** I wanna be sedated ** could you hold it down, please?

** nothin' to do, no way to go home **

** I wanna be sedated ** please hold it down, will ya?

** just take me to the airport **

** put me on a plane ** this is horrible.

** hurry, hurry, hurry ** these people need to lighten up.

** before I go insane, i can't control my fingers... **

don't you like the classics?

Andrew: ** oh, no, oh, oh... **

you know, the moms let us listen to whatever we want.

They want the carpool to be fun.

Carpools are transportation.

They're not supposed to be fun.

They sure aren't when you drive.

Want a gummi bear?

No.

Of course,

they don't taste anything like real bear.

And you can squoosh 'em between your teeth,

and it makes it look like your gums are bleeding. Watch.

Andrew: awesome.

Travis: cool.

I'm not crazy.

I didn't say you were.

I was tested, you know.

Well, then you obviously cheated.

Hey, this looks cool, dad.

Your hammermans stuff looks great.

Chelsea: hammermans sucks.

Hey, put that back. Put that back right now.

Those are not toys, you know.

Those are my presentation materials.

Now, don't touch those.

You're a very cranky man. Do you have hemorrhoids?

No. my dad's real cranky when he gets hemorrhoids.

He says they feel like you're walking around

with a pine cone up your butt.

I know what that feels like

'cause I tried it once...

That's it. I've had it.

All right, get out of the front seat.

Out! out! Out! Out!

Ow! ahh. Ooh.

Uncle Bob did that once,

and ever since, he's never been able

to see the color green.

I'm hungry.

And I am soaking wet,

and we are stopping

right around the corner at hammermans.

[Everyone complaining]

What's wrong with hammermans?

Nasty food!

No, it's not just a grocery store.

It's a big refrigerator with a heart.

I hate hammermans.

There's nothing fun to eat there.

There's plenty to eat there.

They don't have doughnuts.

Yeah, but they got lots of other good stuff.

Oh, I ate mud once. Tasted ok.

But dad took me to the hospital, pumped my stomach,

and I met a guy with a monkey heart.

Well, I think hammermans is much better than mud.

Bucky: is that gonna be your hammermans slogan, dad?

Ok, I am gonna go in there,

and I'll get some Danish.

[Everyone complaining]

I am going by myself!

Now, when I get back,

the only thing i want to hear

for the rest of our trip to school

is the sound of sugar

working its way through your little bloodstreams.

Sorry.

No problem.

What darling children.

You want 'em? 'Cause I'll sell 'em to you real cheap.

Old lady: For shame!

Disabled the security camera.

Good.

Jammed the back door lock.

Excellent. by now, yesterday's receipts

are sitting behind the front register

waiting for the armored car pickup.

Hey. five minutes from now,

they'll be sitting in our lap, hey, buddy?

Let's do it.

You know what to do when we go in?

Yeah. you take the cashier...

Mm-hmm.

I cover your back.

We're ready.

[Church music plays]

[Knocks on counter]

Excuse me.

Counter woman: Yes. Hi. How can I help you?

I was wondering about my pepper steak.

Oh, it's right here.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Where are your doughnuts?

Sir, we're a gourmet market.

Oh, ok. Well, where are your gourmet doughnuts?

We have a fine selection

of scones, croissants, tea biscuits,

and Mille-feuille.

Mid-phooey?

Mille-feuille.

Meal-foey?

Mille-feuille.

Moo-fay?

Yeah.

You don't have any doughnuts?

No, sir.

Well, let's see here.

How many of those could I get for $1.00?

Two.

Apples?

Peanuts.

They're organic.

Excuse me. I'm in a hurry here.

Could I just pay for these and leave?

I am sorry, sir, but I am helping this gentleman.

While you wait, you can fill your cup

with our complimentary coffee.

All right, everybody, you know what these are.

You know why we're here.

Don't anybody move. You know what this is.

You know what we want.

Damn, that's good. I wish I would have thought of it.

Robber: move it, pal. Move it.

Come on, open it up. Let's go.

Drop it, punk, or I drop you.

Correction, grandma.

You drop it.

The money in a bag.

Paper or plastic?

Just do it.

Please, don't shoot me.

I refuse to die in a polyester smock.

Get that gun out of Todd's face now!

Drop it, you!

Todd: I really don't respond well under stress.

Franklin: ok, everybody, just settle down.

I'm gonna get my two peanuts, and I'm getting out of here.

Take it.

Hmm.

Thanks, Todd.

Ok, I want you and you up against the wall.

Robber: which wall?

I don't care. Frozen food.

Police! freeze!

Everybody just stay rooted to your shoes,

and don't be moving.

Lieutenant erdman, badge number 227.

Drop the gun.

Franklin: oh, jeez, officer.

This isn't what you think. I can explai...

Ohh! uhh.

Oh, you burn your jewels?

Yeah. I'm getting used to it.

I know the feeling.

Ok! ok! All right! Freeze!

I'd say you picked the wrong store to Rob this time, bucko.

Excuse me, lieutenant, but I'm not robbing this store.

Oh, yeah. And I suppose that's just a bag of doughnuts

you're holding there, right?

They don't even serve doughnuts here.

You'd think he'd know that. You're a cop, right?

Drop the gun.

No, you drop your gun.

Why don't you put that gun on the ground?

Back off.

I think you're bluffing.

I don't think you'd really hurt him.

Really?

You want to try me?

Ok, ok, ok. Look, all right,

I'm gonna put my gun on the ground.

I'm gonna put mine down, ok?

Oh! oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Great. raspberry glaze.

Soak it in cold water.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

And by the way, somebody of your age

should be a little more careful with a handgun.

Bite me.

Come on.

Todd: thank you for shopping at hammermans.

Erdman: you are making a big mistake.

Todd: good luck.

Bye, Todd. Call me!

Erdman: I'm gonna hunt you down, big guy.

Damn!

My truck's blocked in.

Where's your car?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady! What are you doing, lady?

This is my gun.

Give me the gun. You have a permit for it?

Yes, I do have a permit. I'm gonna tell your superiors.

I will break your wrists. Give me the gun.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I have a very big presentation today.

It's not a very good day for me to be a hostage.

Hostage? that's a great idea! Come on.

Look, there's a lot of other people here.

I mean, I'm not hostage material.

Come on.

Wow!

This thing is roomy.

Daniel: this is not a very good day for me, you know?

I have a very big meeting...Watch the man!

Franklin: i see him. Whoa!

Hey, buddy, doin' the moonwalk!

Officer, these guys are the...

[Whispering] stifle.

Ohh.

Allow me, officer.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Thanks a lot, big guy.

That was my car.

After you.

Lucy, Lucy, I'm so sorry it wasn't me.

Ok. ok.

Ma'am, do you have a car?

Yes, I do.

Is it here?

It's the galaxy...

Terrific. may I have the keys, please?

No, you can't... Thank you very much.

Yes, I can, ma'am, because I'm a police officer.

But my brakes are shot.

Put your cups down. This is lieutenant erdman.

We got a 211 in progress.

We got an armed robbery at hammermans gourmet to go.

It's off kennelworth. Kennelworth's the deal.

Now, that suspect's got a hostage, all right?

Now, they're traveling north

in what we're gonna call a sea green Toyota previa.

It's one of those Van deals, all right?

Now, I'm in pursuit in a commandeered '65 galaxy convertible. Check.

Oh, man.

They sure don't make cars like they used to.

[Car sputters]

It's a cryin' shame.

I can't believe he stole our money.

Yeah. it's not fair. We earned it.

You know, I have half a mind to report him.

Yeah. I'll tell you this...

I am not returning his wallet.

Ha ha! Yeah.

Hey.

Ohh...

Huh? huh? Huh?

Wow!

Ow! what'd you do that for?

Sorry. I'm just excited. I've never done anything like this before.

No kidding.

I was scared. Could you tell?

No. I was too busy being terrified.

So what do you think?

What do I think about what?

About the robbery. How'd I do?

I think you did... Fine.

I mean, you robbed everyone just fine.

Yeah, and the weird part is I didn't even mean to.

What do you mean you... Red light! Red light!

Franklin: whoa!

[Horn honks]

What's your name?

Uh, it's Daniel.

Nice to meet you, Dan.

It's Daniel. Daniel.

Sorry. got any candy or gum or anything?

Uh, no.

Oh, great. Gummi bears. All right.

Thanks.

Yeah, well, I think you could...Trees! Trees! Trees!

Franklin: whoa! Whoa!

Daniel: oops! Oops!

Franklin: that was close. You got a good eye.

Hey, you know what? I just had an idea. Why don't you let us go?

Us?

I mean me. I mean, you know, me and the Van.

I mean, look, you got your money here.

I could drop you at the next bus stop.

At the bus stop? Yeah.

Look, Dan, this is my first time,

but I feel that most successful getaways

avoid public transportation.

Oh, my god. What?

I lost my wallet.

Why?

I must have dropped it.

So?

So I can't drive without a driver's license.

You're gonna have to switch with me.

Well, wait a minute.

I don't think that rule applies while committing a felony.

Good point.

Look, um, maybe I haven't explained to you

exactly how important my meeting is today.

See, I've been working on this hammerman account for about three months now,

and it's a very... It's a good account...

Look, I don't like this any more than you do, ok?

I'm not a perfect person.

I see a buck on the ground, i pick it up,

sometimes I take 15 or 16 items right through the express Lane,

and I have a temper.

You know, like my neighbor,

he was playing his music too loud,

so...i killed him.

Now, I cut him up, and I put him in the freezer.

I'm just kidding ya, just kidding ya.

Just trying to break the tension.

I do that when I'm nervous.

You know, i never thought I'd be the kind of guy

that did something like this.

But you just don't know what life's gonna throw at you.

So I'll tell you what, you just sit back,

relax, don't do anything crazy, and everything's gonna be ok.

Ok.

You got anything to eat besides gummi bears?

No, I don't carry anything else here.

Hey...what...

What are these guys doing here? What?!

It was my day to drive for the carpool.

Well...

[Horn honks] Oh! Ouch.

Are you gonna hurt us?

Of course not, honey. I just need this Van for a little while.

How many kids are in here?

Uh, we...

Well, five if you count Travis.

I'm Travis.

Good to meet you, buddy. Ooh, nice try.

I'm Franklin.

Hi. how ya doin'?

I want the kids out of here right now.

Great.

Ok, come on, kids.

You heard the man. Come on. Out of the Van.

Out of the Van. Come on. Come on, let's go.

Come on, Chelsea, honey. Let's go.

Make it snappy.

This is snappy!

Oh, bucky, get my presentation materials, ok?

No, no, no. You can't go anywhere.

What?

I need a hostage.

What?

No, no...Andrew...

Hey, what are you doing, kid?

I'm not leaving without my dad.

Andrew, that's very brave, but I'll be ok. [Siren approaching]

Too late. Everybody get back in. Come on.

Get in the Van, now, quick. Hustle up.

Here comes erdman!

There goes erdman.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[Yelling]

[Honk]

What are you doing?

I'm just making sure everything's ok.

Your presentation stuff's fine, dad.

[Honk]

Yeah, this is erdman here. I've got an update now.

The Van is going north on 4th towards hillside, all right?

Now, these brakes are a little touchy on my vehicle.

I need some backup now.

However, they must proceed with extreme caution

because there are kids in the Van.

Repeat...there are kids in the Van. Check.

Whoa!

What in Sam hill was that?!

Ok...

Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Start for me.

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

There's no answer at his house either.

He's only an hour and a half late.

Only an hour and a half late?

We're talking about Daniel Miller here.

This is a man who's never been late for anything in his life.

I'll tell you what. Give him another 15 minutes,

and then... Call the morgue.

Channel 3 interrupts this program for a special bulletin.

We take you now to Scott Lewis,

standing by in Roland park. Scott.

A little more than an hour ago,

this hammermans gourmet to go

was help up by an armed gunman.

When an off-duty Seattle detective

attempted to thwart the robbery,

the desperate gunman took off in a late model green Toyota Van.

I have an eyewitness standing by.

Ma'am, what did you see?

He was a very annoying man.

The gunman?

No. the gunman was very polite.

I'm talking about the hostage.

When I met him on the way in,

I told him the children were adorable, and...

What children?

The five children in the Van.

My god. There were children in that Van?

What kind of a monster would endanger the lives of his innocent children?

I mean, my god. In my 2 1/2 years of broadcasting,

I have never encountered such a callous disregard for humanity.

The thoughts and prayers of an entire city

go out to these poor, desperate, frightened children.

Hey! are you guys crazy?

I didn't do anything to you.

Stop it, kids. He's driving!

Except for taking you hostage and stealing your Van,

but other than that, i think I've been pretty nice.

Oh, yeah? Did you think up a plan yet?

Not yet.

Well, I think now would be a very good time.

I'm a little busy here, Dan.

This sure beats going to school, huh, kids?

Yeah! yeah! yeah!

Stop talking to the criminal.

He's just being friendly, dad.

I'm certainly not going to talk to him.

Why not?

Chelsea has this whole policy on strangers,

and, trust me, you don't want to go down that road.

Well, your parents taught you well, Chelsea,

but the truth is, I'm not a stranger anymore. I'm Franklin.

Ok.

You know, it's so good

when parents get involved with their kids.

Of course, i don't have to tell you that.

Look at you, driving the neighborhood carpool.

Yeah, whatever. Look, i know you need a hostage,

and believe me, i understand your predicament,

but I'm afraid I just can't give the position

the attention it deserves right now.

I'll be the hostage.

No, I wanna be the hostage.

What about me?

How come I never get to be the hostage?

That's because you're a girl.

Hey, hey, hey. Girls can be hostages, too.

I mean, we're heading toward the 21st century,

and girls can be whatever they want.

Right on, sister.

Ok, quiet, or nobody gets to be the hostage.

Well, that made sense, dad.

Ok, look, what'll it take for you to let us go?

You want a personal check? You want a credit card?

You know what? Why don't you take the Van?

You can use it for as long as you like.

As a matter of fact, you know what? Keep the Van.

Kids, say good-bye to the Van. It belongs to him now.

Listen, I don't want anything from you.

I just want you to take me where I'm going,

and then I'll let you go. Deal?

Oh, so now you know where you're going?

That's right.

You take me there, and then I'll let you go.

Do we have a deal? Huh?

Deal. [buzz]

Aah.

Franklin's mother: Hey! What do you think you're doing?

I guess we caught you at a bad time.

What?

A real bad time.

What the hell you talking about?

We're here to see Franklin laszlo.

No way!

Hey! get out of here!

Be quiet.

Huh? hey! Cut that out!

Are you nuts?

Get of my house!

And take your partner with ya!

Aah!

Get out of here!

Damn fools!

[Door slams]

What the heck was that?

I have no idea.

It was human...

Wasn't it?

Are we almost there, wherever we're going?

You're just like a little kid.

I'll tell you when we get there.

Once I glued my eyelids open

so I could stay up all night,

but then I sneezed and ripped out all my eyelashes.

Really? well, one time i caught a whole bunch of fireflies,

and I shoved them up my nose, and my eyeballs lit up.

Top that, little man.

[Siren]

Uh-oh. trouble.

[Crash]

You know, this is like the way my mom drives.

All right. We lost 'em.

We're clear.

Wait a minute. I'm mixed up. Where are we?

Don't answer him, kids.

Dad, you said a deal is a deal.

Shh!

Plus I should remind you that I'm heavily armed.

We're at Chuck E. Cheese,

where every night is party night!

Conveniently located in the empire park shopping Plaza,

just off Bradley boulevard.

Only 15 minutes from downtown.

You kids are smart.

Kids: thank you.

Stop being polite to the criminal.

Man, you're testy.

He's got hemorrhoids, Franklin.

You got 'rhoids?

I do not have hemorrhoids,

but there is a police car on our tail.

[Siren]

There's one ahead, too.

Andrew: look out.

Chelsea: look out!

[Honk]

I need an idea. I need an idea.

Somebody, anybody.

Garage! garage! Garage!

Andrew, stop that.

Back up.

We're going up.

Thanks, buck. Keep us posted, would ya?

But up isn't such a good idea, you know,

'cause there's no way out from up.

Ah, teenagers.

Dad. not now, Andrew.

Dad. dad.

Not now, i told you, Andrew.

Dad, I really gotta go to the bathroom.

Yeah, me, too.

Now?

I really gotta go, dad.

Franklin: hey, just think dry thoughts, little buddy.

I'll find us a toilet if it's the last thing I do.

Daniel: I told you to go before we left home.

Aah!

They're on us again.

That car's going to go out.

Don't help the man, Chelsea.

We're going for the gate.

You can't make that.

Chelsea: watch out! It's gonna squoosh us!

I'm too young to die!

We are not gonna make it!

Franklin: you may be right.

Chelsea: aah!

Ooh!

Oh, boy!

[Cheering]

This is what I call...

Teamwork!

Well done. Thank you.

Hey!

Get me a car now! Yes, sir.

You better change the date on your driver's license.

Oh!

Start the paperwork, will ya?

Start the paperwork.

Yes, sir.

Damn!

You know, that's a really sad story,

but not quite sad enough.

I'm lieutenant erdman, Seattle p.D., badge number 227.

Put this vehicle down, truckie.

Right on!

Thank you, officer. Thank you. You're the best.

Don't mention it.

Oh, man, people are always badmouthing the police,

but let me tell you, they're only doing their job.

Man: hey! Somebody call the cops!

** doin' it, doin' it, doin' it **

** for hours again **

** I want to be sedated **

** nothin' to do **

** no where to go home **

** I want to be sedated **

** just put me into britches **

** get me to the show **

** hurry, hurry, hurry... **

it's a great tape. Is this yours?

Yeah, I got that.

I got everything by the screaming idiots.

This is the ramones, actually.

I haven't heard the idiots yet.

Maybe you can turn me on to them.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, we got a big problem.

They know who we are and what we're driving.

I suggest new hostages and a faster car.

That's not the deal.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Can't you hold it in, Andrew?

I gotta go to the bathroom

or I'm gonna explode!

All right, we're gonna do this

quickly and quietly.

Me and the kid go in, do our business,

then we come back, we're out of here. Let's go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I'll take him.

I want Franklin to take me.

But he's a criminal.

But he's a nice criminal.

Thank you very much. Let's go. Come on, come on, come on.

At least your zipper's already down.

Come on, kids.

That's gonna look perfect.

So do you like your in-laws?

Yes, I do.

Yeah? excuse me.

Daniel: hello.

Snip, tip, perm, frost,

rinse, or fluff?

Whiz.

Daniel: my son really needs to use the rest room.

I'm sorry.

Our rest rooms are for customers only.

It's really an emergency.

Franklin: better the bathroom than the floor.

Ok, back there.

Hairdresser: don't make a mess.

Stop. wait right here, guys, ok?

[Urinating]

[Franklin whistles]

No escape.

Give me your hand.

What? why?

Shh, shh, shh.

This is sick.

Shh!

Got a little stage fright.

Turn on the water. Turn on the water, please.

** oh, shenandoah, i long to see you **

** away you rolling river **

** oh, shenandoah, i long to see... **

why don't you try thinking of baseball, ok?

Right, that's for sex.

Daniel: no, I think it could work for both.

Try it.

Whoo, baseball, baseball, ok.

Batter's up, pitcher's on the mound.

He looks in for the sign.

Shakes it off.

Ok, the pitch...

And...

Strike two.

Ok, but the batter's a switch hitter, fortunately.

Sorry, I'm a natural righty.

Ok, what's the best thing

about going to a baseball game, huh?

Ice-cold beer.

Those big, giant cups of ice-cold beer.

Oh, it tastes so good going down.

Ohh...

Yes!

Oh, that is great!

My, a conga line.

Is there room for one more?

No, sorry.

Take a number, buddy.

Sorry, no.

Thanks. he a friend of yours?

No.

Lot of germs in the bathroom, I'll tell you.

Franklin: here, like this.

Daniel: all right.

Stop with that, all right? Please stop it.

What's the deal?

That kid go about once a week?

There goes my record.

[Toilet flushes]

Told you I had to go.

Well, you're the new champ, son.

Your country's proud of you.

Watch this!

All right, kids. Let's go.

I think I'm ready.

I said I'm ready.

I don't work here.

I said I'm ready.

I'm ready.

Daniel: what are you doing?

She's ready!

What do you think?

I think you'll probably have to wear a hat.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Can we go now?

Yeah. hey, hey, what are you doing there?

We're waxing her lips.

I just gently pull this away,

and the hair comes off.

That's so cool.

I'd never have to shave mom's hump again.

Yeah, she's got a hump on this side of her back there.

Do you make house calls?

Well, why don't you just send her in?

We're a lot of fun.

Yeah, well, she's not.

Hey, hey, look at that.

What do you call that stuff?

It's hair magic.

Oh, yeah?

So what colors does it come in?

Comes in jet black, racy red,

Sterling silver, and passion purple.

Really? well, uh, what color would you recommend

for a guy like me?

That all depends on your personality.

In that case, you better give me

all the passion purple you got.

[Rip]

Hey!

Two cases, Bonnie.

Ready, set, go!

This is cool.

Heh heh.

Ha ha.

Man, it looks great, don't it?

No. look, i waited six weeks

for this turquoise-frost color

that's not sea foam green?

No. it's turquoise-frost...

Purple's better anyway 'cause it's more manly.

It could turn lavender. Then we'd all be in trouble.

That's it. You finish up, I'm gonna make a phone call,

be right back. We'll take off.

Why don't you come with me?

No, I'll wait here.

Nah, come on.

No calls!

I mean, no obscene calls.

He's trying to quit.

I am not.

Well, you should.

What's your number?

911.

Very funny. Do you realize if I get arrested,

you're not gonna make your meeting anyway

'cause you're gonna be filling out

police reports till next October.

555-0113.

Thank you.

Don't tell your wife where you are.

My wife? Oh, right, right, yeah.

[Ring]

Yeah?

Honey, is that you?

Miller, where the hell are you?

Daniel: oh, I'm at the hairdresser's, darling.

Miller, hammerman and his $10 million account

is gonna be waltzing in here in a few hours.

I miss you, too, babe. Don't worry, I know it would be terrible

for me to miss my meeting.

As a matter of fact, they would have to kidnap me...

Easy.

Get your butt in here with the presentation.

Yes, dear.

Yeah, I will, dear.

What?

Of course, I need your help, dear.

I'll bring the rest of me with it, too, dear.

Yeah...what?

Of...yeah, I do.

Of course I love you.

Miller...

Ok, bye.

Jeffrey: have you gone nuts?

[Dial tone]

You're a lucky man.

If I had that kind of relationship with my wife,

we'd still be together.

Hi.

Franklin's mom: Franklin!

Where the hell have you been?!

It's my mom.

Franklin's mom: I'm starving!

Listen, um... Yes, yes, yes.

Right now, I am getting my hair done.

Yes. well, I guess that makes me a sissy, doesn't it?

Uh, I'll be home soon.

Mm-hmm. don't go there, mom.

Don't go there.

Don't go there, mom. I've got to, um...Please?

Don't...do not go to sizzler, mom!

For the love of god!

Mom!

I'll take you out when I get home, ok?!

After dark, mom! Please, I beg you!

Thanks a lot, Bonnie.

Well see you.

This vehicle yours, sir?

Why? you wanna handcuff me?

That's very funny.

You boys think the law

is something to joke about?

No. no.

No, as a matter of fact, i was just about ready

to put another quarter in there.

I must've just ran out.

This baby is not even warm.

Really?

Back off!

We're talking about a quarter here, ok?

There, two nickels and a dime.

Keep the change.

Pick up the money, sir.

What?

Pick up the money!

Maybe I should explain... Shut up.

I'm sorry. What did I tell you

about being disrespectful to officers of the law?

Help.

[Whistles]

You boys are looking for freebies, aren't you?

First it's free parking time,

then it's no income tax.

Well, somebody's gotta pay, you get me?

Good citizens pay.

We pay with our lives

because there's deadbeats like you

who are bleeding this city dry.

Have you ever shot anybody?

On the job, no.

Ohh!

Woman: that's him, that's him!

Ohh!

Woman: he's on TV!

Ohh!

Whoa! we gotta go!

Everybody in the Van!

Ok, I'm sorry, officer, you're right.

I was so rude, and I apologize.

Thing is, he's having a really bad day.

You're doing your job, and you're doing a great job at it.

Hey! this, it's yours.

Thank you.

It's him! It's him! Stop!

He's duh wobbah!

Woman: he's duh wobbah!

Pardon me, ma'am?

He's duh wobbah!

Duh wobbah?

What are you talking about?

He's duh wobbah!

Whoa!

He's the kidnapper! The robber!

That guy?

Oh, he's gonna pay!

Radio: attention, lieutenant erdman.

Yeah, this is erdman. Go ahead, dispatch.

We have a unit in pursuit of a Van on long street.

Bingo, bingo. Well done.

Put me through to that unit in pursuit, will you?

I can't, sir.

What do you mean you can't?

She won't take the call.

Well, you just find out that officer's name

and her shield number now!

Uh, she's in parking enforcement.

She's not a meter maid, is she?

Uh, as a matter of fact...

Oh, boy.

Oy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy.

Let the street cops handle this?

No way.

That rat bastard is mine!

Ya-hoo!

She's definitely after us.

[Horn honks]

Franklin, she's gaining.

You're mine.

You are mine, man.

Franklin: hold on, everybody.

[Horn honks]

Meter maid: Watch out! Oh, oh!

Well, she's not behind us anymore.

She's beside us!

Meter maid: Watch it! Watch out, watch out!

Watch out! Get out of the way!

Officer in pursuit!

Officer in pursuit!

Aah! ohh! Ohh!

Aah!

That ought to slow her down.

Oh! oh! Oh!

Grr!

Rrr!

Can't keep me down.

Yeah, but she's not giving up. You gotta respect that.

Look out!

Whoa!

Oh! ok, it's gonna be fine.

Gonna be fine, kids. Get down. Now, now!

Franklin: come on!

Andrew: leave me alone.

Listen, maybe now's the time

to just give yourself up, huh?

Hey, quitters never win, Dan.

Remember that, kids.

What are you doing?

Those are my wife's.

What...what are you...

What seems to be the problem, officer?

Uh, we're engaged in a statewide manhunt.

Oh, what a coincidence, so are we.

Somebody ripped off

a hammermans gourmet to go.

Took a bunch of kids hostage in a green Van.

That is so sad. You know, i blame Hollywood.

Do they have a description of the suspect?

Honey! he's such a gossip, he is.

No, I'm not.

This is just awful.

Don't you worry. We'll find the people.

Officer, there's really something you should know.

Yes, there is. You got a smudge right here.

I do? Franklin: Right there.

Where?

Yes, you see it right there?

Do you see it, too, don't you honey?

Right there. Right there.

Did I get it?

Ok, right there. You got it,

you got it, you got it.

Thanks.

I appreciate it when people tell me, so...

Officer...

Anyway, listen, i hope you catch that guy.

Right. on your way.

They're probably right under your noses.

Come on.

Oh, darn!

Now I find you in bed with my mother.

What kind of father are you?

We interrupt this program for a live update

from Scott Lewis. Scott?

I'm standing in front of Bonnie's beauty box,

where the hostage group made a rather curious stop earlier.

With me now is one of the clients

who was in the shop at the time.

Tell me what you saw, ma'am.

Well, I was having my lips...

Uh, tending to my beauty needs...

And this maniac comes in with a boy

who hasn't been allowed to pee for days.

One of the kidnapped children.

Yes. and another little guy

with a weird, misshapen head and bulging eyes.

It was horrible.

I'll never forget that poor little frog boy.

Scott Lewis with a live update on the kidnapped children.

And to frog boy and the others,

wherever you may be,

this reporter is on your side.

Now, back to you, Brad.

Oh, we got company.

Relax, everybody. Relax, relax.

Franklin: they're driving away.

Andrew: whoo-hoo. Yes.

Erdman: oh, no. Oh, boy.

Ho!

[Sirens]

Here we go again.

Daniel: what are you doing?

Franklin: I'm driving into the truck, Dan.

Didn't you ever watch the a-team?

Andrew: cool.

[Buzz]

Franklin: is it cold in here, or is it just me?

Chelsea: I'm gonna put on my jacket.

Andrew: i need a jacket!

Franklin: all right, bundle up together if you're cold.

I'll turn on the heat.

Oh, that's brilliant.

See, to get heat you have to turn on the engine,

thereby trapping the fumes

and rendering us all dead by asphyxiation.

On second thought, forget about the heat.

Who farted?

Ugh!

Nasty.

Did you cut the cheese, Dan?

For god sakes, no, I did not.

Something must have crawled up inside of you and died, brother.

I didn't do it, ok?

What about you, mister?

Hey, he who smelt it, dealt it, Franklin.

Hey, you playing the butt trumpet back there, Kayla?

What?

Girls don't fart.

Really? come over to my house sometime

and ask my mom why the cats committed suicide.

It's him!

Andrew: Travis.

"Fart spray." That's great!

I gotta get some of that for Keith.

Here, put that in a safe place.

Who's Keith?

Uh, he's my son.

And today is his 12th birthday.

Are you gonna give him a birthday party?

I'd like to, but he lives with his mom.

It's impolite to ask the bad man personal questions.

Do you miss him?

Yeah, I miss him a lot.

Why don't you just move back, then?

'Cause my ex-wife wouldn't like that very much.

We didn't get along too well.

Why not?

Well, it's mostly my fault.

I wasn't a very good provider like your dad is.

That's why I was gonna Rob the bank, too.

'Cause I was about to lose my business,

and I got all these people dependent on me.

And then when i couldn't even afford

to buy Keith a birthday present,

I mean, that was the last straw.

That's so sad.

I bet you and Keith have lots of fun together.

Yeah, we do. We go to a lot of ball games.

Actually, we sneak in to a lot of ball games.

He's a big seahawks fan like I am.

That's what i was gonna get him for his birthday,

was a football autographed by all the seahawks.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we go hiking, and we go biking,

we go roller-blading,

and we have burping contests.

Yeah. he said we're like best friends.

I just, uh, don't get to see him

as much as I'd like to.

Hey, I bet you guys

do a lot of cool stuff together, too, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We...

Franklin: hey, i think we're stopping.

Doors! doors!

Woman: aah!

Kayla: it's the mall!

I've never been here on a school day.

Who can we shop for?

Ooh, the mall. Window shopping.

Excuse me, excuse me, coming through!

Franklin: ok...oh, buddy!

Get out of the way there, pal!

Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Coming through.

Excuse me. Uh, sorry, sir.

Sorry. thanks, old-timer.

Talk to you later. All right, coming through.

Franklin: uh, sorry, folks.

Great job. There we are.

All right. Sorry about that.

This is Clarence.

I got a big problem here.

No, it ain't no shoplifter.

It's a grape minivan moving through the mall!

Well, you lay down in front of it, then!

Radio: minivan located in the northfield mall.

All units in the vicinity respond.

Yeah, this is erdman.

I'm three minutes away. Check.

Eat my dust, sucker!

I'm two minutes away.

I knew boring those cylinder heads

would pay off.

Franklin: right, sir.

Sorry, sorry about that.

I'm ok. Thank you very much.

Sorry about... All right, heads up.

Beep beep! Let's go. I can't drive.

Excuse me. Gangway!

Daniel: may I just say something?

What's that?

Mall, mall, mall! We are driving through a mall.

Franklin: yeah, I know. I thought I'd do a few laps first.

How do we get out of here, kids?

Monroe street exit or west market?

Bucky: take west market.

Wait a minute. Why are you guys helping him?

We like him. He's fun.

You're on his side?

But I'm the good guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

It's true, kids.

Good guy, bad guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

Good guy, bad guy.

Funny.

Thank you, but it's true.

We got this guy now.

Everybody start fanning out, all right?

I want you exits left.

You, exits right.

Fan out, cover them all now!

Franklin: all right, making a left.

Freeze, dirtbag!

She's got spunk.

Get out of the Van!

What are you packing?

Spear gun.

Where did you get it?

Cards n' things.

Is that down by pretzel man?

No. third level, across from roots.

By lady footlocker?

Get out of the Van!

Listen, I'm gonna get her to move.

Don't leave without me.

You know, i really like you.

I...i do.

So I'd like you to put that down so we could just talk about this.

Talk is cheap! Kiss the marble.

With my lips?

Ok, bucko, let me see those armpits.

You can back off now. I'll take over from here.

Drop your gun.

Drop it. It's my collar.

I'm the commanding officer in this pursuit,

and you are a meter maid.

So what?

Just put the gun on the ground.

You wish.

For once in your life,

would you obey the chain of command?

Now put the spear gun on the ground and walk away.

Oh, you're the expert on walking away, aren't you?

Ok, that was a bad choice of words.

You're right, you're right.

It was more like running away, wasn't it?

Martha, do we have to get into this now?

What would you think of a hot-shot, ex-marine m.P.,

who after eight long years,

finally asks his former drill instructor

to marry him?

Put the gun down.

The church is filled

with red, white, and blue flowers.

The bridesmaids are spit-polishing their jackboots.

And I'm there.

Just one thing missing...

The groom.

So after an extensive recon,

I had to climb up on that altar

and tell the people who mean the most to me in my life

that, in fact, you had just chickened out.

What would you do?

I'd shoot him.

Woman shopper: Yeah.

Martha?

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

All right, kids.

Hang on.

Martha: hey, come back!

Don't move!

Hey, you, stop it!

Hey, you, stop this minute!

Wait! stop him!

Hey!

Want to hit that unlock button there, mister?

I'd really rather not.

Call me at the office.

Get in!

Andrew, don't.

We don't need the bad man anymore.

Thanks. great job!

You guys just about lost me, man.

Stop! stop it!

Martha: stop or I'll shoot!

Ok, I'll drive.

No, no!

I am taking control.

I have a meeting,

and I am tired of being chased

and of people threatening me with Spears.

These things don't happen to me.

I am a presbyterian!

Dad?

I'm coming, you dirtbag!

Watch out! Here I come!

Police! coming through!

Everybody get out of the way!

I'm after you, bud.

Out of the way, everybody.

Everybody, out of the way.

Watch it. Hey, watch it!

Watch out! Watch it!

Coming through!

Hey, buddy, i got you now! You are mine!

Oh!

Whoa!

Ooh!

Whoa!

Franklin. Franklin.

Ohh!

Shopper: a wipeout!

Out of the way!

Everybody, out of the way!

Martha.

Huh?

Are you ok?

Did you fall a long way?

Uh-huh.

Ambulance? you sure?

You all right? Do you want me to do anything...

Get off of me!

Want me to drive?

No. get in!

Hold on.

All right.

Tighter.

That is good.

This guy's gonna be trapped. All units close in.

Oh, this doesn't look good.

Oh, yeah?

Did I mention that this Van has four-wheel drive?

Go around! No, go around! No, no, no!

All right. Go, go.

Franklin: oops, sorry about that.

Sorry. it's ok, ok.

Out of your way... Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, ok! Go, go, go!

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Freeze!

All right, send out the hostages!

We got 'em now.

Well done, boys.

Buckle up.

He's gettin' away!

We can blow through that. It's only glass.

You're forgetting one important piece of information!

We're on the second floor!

Next time, I think I'll walk to school.

Wow.

Dispatch, this is lieutenant erdman here.

The Van has eluded our grasp again.

I want choppers.

Yeah, I want helicopters!

I want the whole fleet!

The whole armada! Fly 'em in!

Toodle-oo.

[Television playing]

[Groaning]

TV: as we show them to you, we warn you,

do not adjust your TV sets.

This is the one nicknamed frog boy.

There are apparently at least four other children who look normal,

but there is a theory that all of them

may be part of some bizarre government experiment.

** bah bah bah bah buh bah bah bah bah **

** I want to be sedated **

** bah bah bah bah buh bah bah bah bah **

** I want to be sedated **

one more time!

** bah bah bah bah **

** buh bah bah bah bah **

** I want to be sedated **

whoo!

Yeah!

Excellent job of driving, Daniel.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Oh, yes!

You were great!

I watch a lot of action movies.

Hey, buddy, it shows.

You were awesome, dad.

Yeah, well, thanks.

That was fun, wasn't it?

[Tire blows out]

Whoa! oh. Oh, no, what was that?

Franklin, look at this.

I told you not to drive through the food court.

Ok, here we go.

Lower. lower. Lower.

Aah! higher! Higher. Higher. Higher.

Jeez. you're worse at changing a tire

then you are at taking hostages.

Well, that's all right,

because you guys aren't hostages anymore, you're my friends.

Uh, Franklin, we're...We're not your friends, ok?

Ok. you're family

[laughing] no. no.

No one in my family robs gourmet markets.

Really?

Yeah. I'm sure of it.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I did it to save a carnival.

Oh, a carnival.

That's right.

Oh, well, that's really...

That's a worthy cause.

Well, it is.

I employ 41 1/2 people.

That's 43 mouths to feed.

Oh, yeah? Well, you know what?

You can't be doing too well

if armed robbery is the best way you can think of

to bring in new capital.

Well, you're right. We're not doing too well.

And quite frankly,

this political correctness thing

is killing the sideshow.

But the truth is we do something

a lot better than making money.

Oh, really? What's that?

We make people happy.

You should see the kids' faces when they see the show.

You love kids, huh?

Yes, I do.

You love kids?

That's right.

Yeah, well, what kind of a guy

holds five kids at gunpoint all day long?

You're right.

Huh?

When you look at it like that, you're right.

Yeah, I am right.

Ok.

No! no! No...

[Laughing] isn't that great?

You held me hostage...

With a lighter?

Yeah.

You idiot!

You kidnapped me,

you forced me to go to the bathroom with you,

you...you flash-froze me,

you drove me through a mall,

and you didn't even have the courtesy

of being armed and dangerous!

I know. But it was fun, wasn't it?

Kids: wait! Wait! We had a great time.

All right! All right! Get away!

Just get away from me, ok?

You know what?

Find your own way home, ok?

Come on, kids. I'm going to my meeting.

Daniel, I thought we had a deal.

You promised him, dad.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's a promise that I am breaking.

Andrew, what are you doing?

I'm staying with him.

You always told us a deal is a deal.

Well, that doesn't apply

when you're held against your will, son.

That's ok, Andrew.

Go with your dad, all right?

No.

I'm with them,

but it takes me too long

to get out and back in, so...

I'll just stay here.

Ditto.

Just go to your meeting, dad.

We'll walk with Franklin.

No.

A deal is a deal.

Come on.

Well, here we are.

Yeah.

Glad this is over.

Yeah. yeah, me, too.

Well, that's the deal, you know.

So...

Be sure to write from prison.

Ok. I will.

Right.

Kids,

I'm gonna miss you guys.

Thanks for everything.

I'll see you around, ok?

Bye, Franklin. Bye.

I'll miss you.

Bye. bye.

I gotta use the ladies room.

Me, too.

Me, three.

No. he doesn't have a bathroom here.

I've got a bathroom,

and it's clean, and it's warm.

Come on in.

Lots of stuff that I want to show you guys.

It'll just take a second.

What? what? what?

I can't see.

I'm scared.

[Slap]

Bucky!

What? I thought you might be scared,

so I grabbed your shoulder.

That wasn't my shoulder.

It wasn't?

No.

Wow.

I know what part that was.

I'm getting out.

Oh, this isn't funny.

Franklin!

Daniel: Franklin!

Where are you?

Ohh.

Ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages,

fun-lovers and thrill-seekers.

Welcome to the laszlo brothers carnival.

[Carnival music playing]

You have to see three spectacular rides

and unbelievably amazing spectacles.

A Ferris wheel.

It's neat.

Tilt-a-whirl.

Would you look at that.

The merry-go-round. I love the merry-go-round.

Let's go. Come on.

Franklin: now, enjoy.

Now, this is where we store the rides between shows,

keep them set up for safety testing.

We got a Ferris wheel, tilt-a-whirl,

zipper, merry-go-round, bumper car.

Daniel: I love the bumper cars.

Actually, it's bumper car.

The bank repossessed the rest of them.

Mind if I sit here?

Not you again.

It looks complicated.

Complicated? a trained monkey could operate it.

In fact he was until we had that hassle with the humane society.

Dad, will you ride the Ferris wheel with me?

Oh, I'm not getting on that thing, Travis.

Oh, we won that lawsuit.

What?

Ok. we tied, but it's still safe. I guarantee it.

All right, kids, pull the safety bar tight against your waist.

And if you gotta puke, puke to the left.

Hold on.

See, that's easy.

Come on. I'll let you start the Ferris wheel.

All right, buckle up, buddy.

Bucky: whoa!

Hang on, Andrew, ok?

Ok, put your hand here.

Slowly. slowly.

And...

There it goes.

Hey, you know, actually you've done a pretty good job.

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna miss it.

Yeah.

Ha ha.

I'm giving the money back.

Damn right you are.

Remember us?

You know, criminal to criminal,

my advice to you is...

Never, ever leave your truck parked

near the scene of the crime.

Especially with your name and address

plastered all over the side of it.

That's good advice, fellas.

I really appreciate it.

But listen, we're closed.

If you could come back next Tuesday morning...

Give me your gun.

Thanks.

Now...

Go get our money.

We got a ring toss. We got a dunk tank.

We got a merry-go-round. It's a lot of fun.

If you want to... You could try it.

This is great.

Think fast.

Huh? huh?

This is it.

Sorry. I don't smoke.

No, you don't. I'll take that.

All right. Don't move.

We got the money this time, and we're walking.

Andrew: help!

Help me!

Help!

Oh, no.

It's a runaway. I gotta stop it.

Isn't there an emergency brake?

Yes. right here.

Daniel: pull harder.

We gotta stop this.

It's broken.

It's shorted out.

I need something to jam up these gears.

Get me...

It's gonna be...It's gonna be too thick.

Hang on, Andrew.

Hang on, buddy. We're gonna get you down.

How about this?

Yeah. come on.

I think this'll work.

Dad!

All right, you keep this jammed in here.

I'm gonna go get the kid.

No. no, he's my son.

I'm gonna go.

Andrew: come on! Somebody!

Be careful.

Please! somebody! Help!

Don't worry. Here I am.

Dad! come on!

Help me!

Please! come on, dad!

Help me!

I'll be right there, Andrew.

Aah! dad!

Dad, help!

Please, somebody!

Anybody!

I'm scared.

Please. I'm really scared.

Help me.

Ok.

Hold on, Andrew. Come on.

Dad, please!

Help me! Please!

Ok, Andrew.

Grab my hand.

I'm scared.

So am I,

but I'm your father and I love you,

and I won't drop you.

Got you.

It's ok. I got you.

He got him. Come on, Andrew.

Better hurry up, guys!

Hurry up!

Come on.

There's no time.

Ok, you're never gonna make it.

Throw Andrew down to me

and then you jump right there.

Ok, grab my hand.

Pitch him down to me and jump over there.

Come on. I will catch him.

I guarantee it.

Hurry up.

Trust me, Daniel. You gotta move.

Bucky: hurry, dad. Come on.

Whoa!

Good job, buddy. Good job.

You're in good hands with Franklin.

Yeah. ok, jump!

Jump!

It's gonna go! Hurry up, Daniel.

Hey, you'll bounce on it.

Jump! jump!

Dad, you can do it.

Oh! yes! ha ha.

Dad?

Dad?

Where is he?

[Squeak]

[Squeak]

Face fits.

[Squeak]

Dad! you're ok.

Mr. Miller.

Thank you.

Are you all right?

Mr. Miller.

Be careful.

All right.

You ok?

You ok?

Thanks.

All right, dad.

It must have been really scary.

What about those guys?

[Groaning]

I've got an idea.

[Carnival music playing]

Please don't.

Please, no.

All right.

I have vertigo.

Yeah! see you later, suckers!

[Cheering]

[Yelling]

Oh, I'm sorry about your presentation.

I don't know if the materials

are still gonna be good or not.

No, that's ok.

I couldn't make it there in time anyway.

You could if I drove.

[Horn honking]

What is a grocery store

but a big refrigerator?

A cold place for food...

With a door.

And when the door is open,

the light is on.

A-a-and when it's closed...

Recently, kirk has suffered a head injury.

Only one?

Well, that's it.

This whole thing has been a complete waste of my time.

Let's go, Victor.

Mr. hammerman.

Sorry.

Hi. I'm Daniel Miller.

I'm sorry I'm late,

but I, um...

Well, let's just say i got held up.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we just say good-bye?

Mr. hammerman.

One half-hour from now,

you'll be the newest client of Bauer and Cole.

A half-hour from now

I shall have been back in my office...

For 20 minutes.

Look, maybe there's something you don't understand.

Somebody robbed one of my stores,

some psychopath, and then he took children as hostages.

Now, it may not mean much to you, but to me

it is the greatest public relations crisis in my life.

Is that understood?

And I have to get back to it.

Can you get that in your heads?

Hi, I'm your psychopath.

Kids: and we're the hostages!

Actually, I'm not really a psychopath.

There's most of your money,

minus what I spent for hair dye for the car.

Mr. hammerman, I, um,

I want a do-over.

A do-what?

Well...

Like Mrs. karkinney's five husbands.

You know, a do-over,

like a mulligan in golf,

except you don't lose your balls.

But if you do lose your balls,

I'll help you find them.

Could you... Could you just give me 20 minutes?

No.

10 minutes?

No. I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you...

Until the time it takes the police to get here.

Victor!

Well, this is a pretty good neighborhood,

so I'd say you'd got about three minutes.

Victor: I'm calling from the office...

Mr. hammerman...

The kidnapper you've been looking for

is here with the kids. Right. Good.

Do you know what your store's slogan should be?

Kids hate hammermans.

It's true, because when I ask my kids,

they say your stores are no fun.

Yeah. they suck.

Oh ho. She's a cute little devil, isn't she?

Well, actually, children are not

our target demographic.

That's your problem, pal.

The name is hammerman, not "pal."

Every day two or more of your customers

retire and move to Florida.

Or forest lawn.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, this city is getting...

It's getting younger, not older.

I mean, five years from now, you're gonna have

a serious customer shrinkage problem.

Franklin: that's right. Because when people get older,

they start shrinking.

Well, the point is, you see, Mr. hammerman,

these kids, they're your future.

I'm from the future.

You have to start selling things

that kids really like.

Like hot dogs.

Yeah, hot dogs with that really hot cheese in the middle of it.

You know, that when you bite it, it burns your lip.

You know what? Because you're hammermans,

they're gourmet hot dogs.

And you know what "gourmet" means?

And for god's sakes, get some doughnuts.

Research has proven that upscale consumers do not like doughnuts.

I don't know. I...

My grandchildren like doughnuts

I like doughnuts.

Hey, I love doughnuts.

You know what my favorite kind are?

Those custard-filled long-Johns

with the white sugar frosting on top of it.

Those are great.

Nah hah hah.

That's not a doughnut, my friend.

A doughnut should be about that big,

chocolate, chocolate on the inside,

and on the top you put the creamy chocolate frosting.

That is a doughnut.

I hope they have those in prison.

Mr. hammerman,

if anyone can make your store fun

and...and, you know, kid-friendly.

I mean, if anyone can save hammermans gourmet to go,

it's Bauer and Cole.

That's right. See, i didn't advertise with Bauer and Cole,

and I went out of business.

Yeah, but somehow i think that advertising

was the least of your problems.

You got a point there, buddy.

Gimme five.

My name is hammerman,

and I wouldn't give you three.

Ok.

You gentlemen, you have a slogan for this campaign?

Um...

Hammermans! kills bugs dead!

Hammermans! you're soaking in it!

Hammermans...

Uh, thank you, Travis, that was a good try.

Hey, I don't make them up,

I just memorize them.

Yeah, um, uh,

our slogan is, um,

um, hammermans...

Because your kids are the most important thing in the world to you.

I like it.

All right! Yeah!

Good job.

Yes. yes. yes.

I don't know why I like it,

but I like it.

Bucky: all right.

Ok. so when can you guys make a formal presentation?

I'll have to get a tuxedo.

He can have that ready for you first thing Monday morning.

Um, actually, Jeffrey, uh...

No.

I can't.

I've got some very important things

that I have to do this weekend.

What could be more important than your job?

Spending time with my family.

You know, like roller-blading,

backpacking, um...

Burping contests.

[Burps] [burps]

Burping contests.

Oh, yeah, and I'm taking my wife and kids on a vacation.

Disneyland?

Maui?

Beirut?

And...and, Jeffrey, when I get back,

I'm not gonna be able to work weekends anymore.

And, uh, I'm gonna have to be home by 6:00 every day.

Ahem.

Oh, right, Andrew. Except on Tuesdays,

I have to be out by 3:00 to, uh,

coach my son's little league team.

But that's not possible, Daniel,

because you're gonna be a partner.

You know what, Jeffrey, you're right.

It's...it's not possible.

And I'm sorry, but I quit.

You quit?

Yes.

Uh, uh, fine!

Don't worry, Mr. hammerman.

Kirk here will handle your campaign.

I'm not worried about anything.

You're through.

I want to work with them.

I could use a nut like you down at the carnival.

Maybe you could geek.

You ever bit the head off a chicken?

Not lately.

Because of the kids, I'll drop the charges

if you'll do 500 hours community service.

And that's about it. Except...

There will be doughnuts.

Yes! doughnuts!

All right.

Franklin! Franklin!

Hey, how you doing, Travis?

I want you to meet somebody.

All righty.

That's Franklin.

[Whimpers]

Greetings, Franklin.

So you must be Travis' father.

[Bzzt]

God's sakes.

[Horn honking]

Hey.

Where'd you learn to drive?

From you.

I'm a great driver.

Not according the the department of motor vehicles.

Listen, I like riding the bus.

That's where I discover all the new acts for the sideshow.

Right.

Come on. What took you so long?

Well, I didn't take our usual shortcut through the mall.

That's another joke, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

That's good. It's good.

This way! This way!

Get your gourmet doughnuts, please!

Come and get them!

The doughnuts! The anchovies!

Thought he was gonna be a silent partner.

Maybe our asparagus doughnut.

Hey, you!

How'd you like to buy a nose, eh?

I still can't believe it.

I can't believe it either.

We open up a whole new market for him,

and he gives us a whole new source of capital.

Ok, folks, come on. Gourmet doughnuts.

Franklin: well, I'm glad he dropped the charges.

I got 495 more hours of community service.

Gonna be out at the park tomorrow.

You want to join me?

Not if you held a gun to my head.

Yeah, they got me scraping gum out

from underneath the benches.

Tell you one thing, after spending all that time,

on my hands and knees at the park,

I'm definitely in favor of that pooper-scooper law.

Dad.

Hey.

Hey, son. How are you?

Franklin, my mom really wants to meet you.

How are you?

Still a little tender.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

The little lovebirds right there.

Kayla: Franklin.

How you doing, buddy?

Hi. hi.

I don't know what you did to him,

and I don't want to know, but I'm glad you did it.

Me, too, Franklin.

Come on, man, you're embarrassing me in front of the carnies.

Sorry.

You know, last time i got hugged that hard,

mom broke three of my ribs and ruptured my spleen.

I missed most of the first grade.

Hey, where is your mom, anyway?

Oh, I was gonna meet her for lunch.

Aah!

[Sirens]

Go, go, go, go.

Move it. Move it. Move it.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Mrs. laszlo: What's a woman have to do

to get some service around here.

Get out of my way!

Get back in there.

No, no, man!

She bit me!

Salad bar? Well, that's what I think of your salad bar!

Oof.

Aah.

From now on, I'm going to Denny's.

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** and I'll make everything all right **

** I know you haven't found a good girl **

** one to love you and give you the world **

** now you have, that you've been confused **

** talk to me, I'll do what you choose **

** I want to be **

** tell mama **

you get back here, waiter.

I want that shrimp.

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** and I'll make everything all right **

** that girl you had don't have no sense **

** she wasn't worth all the time that you spent **

** she had other men to throw you outdoors **

** now my same man is wearing your drawers **

** I want ya to **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** and I'll make everything all right **

** yes, I will **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** about it **

** about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** about it **

** about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** yeah **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want, baby **

** tell mama **

** tell mama **

** and I'll make everything all right **

** she will embarrass you anywhere **

** and everybody know that she didn't care **

** give me a chance, man, I'm beggin' you **

** I just wanna take care of you **

** I want you to, yeah **

** tell mama **

** all about it **

** tell mama **

** what you need **

** tell mama **

** what you want **

** tell mama **

** hey, tell mama **

** all about it **

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** what you need **

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** what you want **

** tell mama **