Original subtitles

This is the second sentence.

A stable type word for my parents, for the first time we'll take grages on your fair.

A stable type word for my parents, for the first time we'll take grages on your fair.

A stable type word for my parents, for the first time we'll take grages on your fair.

A stable type word for my parents, for the first time we'll take grages on your fair.

A stable type word for my parents, for the first time we'll take grages on your fair.

This is the first sentence we'll take grages on your fair.

Hey girl. Hey baby, how you holding up?

Alright, I guess. I just did the last of us things outside.

You're better off without him, Kathy. You're gonna be fine.

You know, I just... I just miss him.

I wonder if I was too hard on him.

You did the right thing. Anyway, I called you to see what you're up to tomorrow.

I want to get you out and get your mind off things.

Oh, Roxy, you're the best. I'm free, let's do it.

Good, we're gonna get you some toys that'll make you

forget about Chad or any other living man altogether.

But not dead ones, right? You know how much I love me instead.

Oh, shut up, you fucking nut girl. You know what I meant.

Alright, I gotta get off of here. I still have a few

things to do around the house. I love you, bitch.

I love you too, whoreface.

I'm coming, I'm stronger.

If you still wanna be true, you can dance all day with a tingler.

Oh, fuck, girlie.

Let's go get some pillows, bitch.

Must be getting weird living in that big house all alone.

It takes some getting used to, but I could have found a better price if I'm private.

Oh my gosh.

It doesn't weird you out that that family got murdered there?

That was like 45 years ago. People get murdered all the time.

I didn't know them.

So if a few dead bodies means that I, a healthy and living body,

can get a kick-ass price on a house like your own down the road? So be it.

More people should get knocked off at home when you think about it that way.

I don't think you really thought that went through.

Oh, hey. A yard sale. Can we make a pit stop, please?

Lovely day, ladies. Have a look around.

Maybe you'll find something that speaks to you.

There's probably nothing but junk here.

You're wasting perfectly good dildo shopping time.

I don't know. Maybe I could use this.

I'm sorry, girls. I didn't mean to frighten you.

I couldn't help but overhear you talking about sex to us.

And?

And I've got something to shoot.

If you would be so kind to accept my offer, I'd like you to have this.

It's been in my family for generations.

Ew. Gross, dude. We don't want your grandma's little fiddle stick.

Cathy, you're not actually thinking about

taking this thing, are you? It's so... ugly.

Oh, my God. Don't put your finger in your mouth.

You do and you don't know where that's been. And now we gotta go get you tested.

Careful. It's a little sharp. I'll take it.

You ladies have a lovely day now. And enjoy.

You're kind of gross.

It just... spoke to me. I don't know.

You're at least gonna have to wash that thing first.

So there I was. I've got the Milba's love triangle. I can fuck the Guy Pottos.

And that's when she's... Hey, I really appreciate you.

I know you're telling me this story and all, but I think we should get back to work.

Yeah... I guess you're right.

What? You make that noise, you want to say something? Just.

.. how long have we been doing this? Like 10 years? More or less.

...

We've managed to track down an inventory of all these possessed items from the house.

You have to spend one thing in fiber to slip through the cracks.

Right. Slip through the cracks.

Right. That doesn't bug you at all? Well.

..

One, it's our job, and that's what you've been assigned to do.

And two, it'd bug me a lot less if you were able to maintain a

relationship with our subject for longer than a couple of months.

You never did tell me how you screwed that one up.

She...

She was a slut.

I couldn't handle her anymore, and I hated it.

She broke up with you.

She gave more dicks than I had.

Like, if she had died, then kind of like as a Mortal Kombat character.

Her name is Ikora. She was using all four arms to choke off dudes.

Alright. I get it.

Anyway, I realize this seems like a perfect setup.

First person who moved in a house in a year, single girl.

Our last item on the register is Vibrator.

The house could have easily chosen him.

But maybe not. Maybe it's just another distraction for us.

This damn thing has laid dormant for so long that it might

not even pop up until both of us are dead and buried.

If that's the case, then I didn't screw it.

I might think you're gross, but I still love you, Horface.

At least that thing won't come and give up on you in 30 seconds like Chad.

I love you too, Roxy. You think maybe we could have

had this conversation while I was still in the car? Yeah? Uh, hi.

...

...

My ex was a premature ejaculator, so...

Oh my god.

What? What is it?

I'm pretty sure that I'm ambidextrous.

I just never knew there was a word for it.

Come on, man.

Seriously? Yeah, I'm being serious.

But the thing is, I jerk off with my right hand. I do everything else with my left.

Okay, well I don't think I really needed to know that.

Bruh, no. Does that mean that I'm... ambidextrous?

I hate you so much.

Have you seen my lighter?

No, I haven't seen your lighter.

Probably have like 10 of those damn things at that house.

I feel like I'm all packed up on the porch right now.

Fuck!

This is worse than 9-11.

Okay, well did you at least get those nuts that I asked you for? Yeah, they're.

.. over in the air.

Uh... Hey, I need you right now. It's... it's an emergency.

Be there in two shakes of Satan's cack.

What's wrong? Tell me everything.

I'd rather show you.

Well?

I don't know, I just wanted company.

Oh my gosh, you got me so worried.

It's freezing in here. Do you have the AC going?

No, I noticed that today.

Whenever I woke up, I... look how hard my nipples are.

Yeah, my nipples are really hard too.

Really? You should feel mine.

Oh wow. Wow, those are really hard. Feel mine.

Yours are really hard too.

Maybe we should crack a window?

Yeah, no, let's do that.

Here, let me try.

Well, I have an idea of how we could warm up.

This was a great idea. I'm much warmer now.

Yeah.

Do you want to have sex now? Do I? Okay.

...

Come on, you know what I'm talking about.

Those words are pretty sure, probably fucks kids.

Hello? Hello? Dammit.

...

...

Another dead end.

Well, you could have been a little more subtle with your description.

So everybody knows that guy the way.

Kathy's the only one that makes sense anymore,

so we should probably just keep our focus on her.

Right, right.

I'm so frustrated right now.

Can I see your tits?

What?

Just for like five seconds. It would calm me down.

Five seconds is all you get.

We really are the best partner I've ever worked with.

Alright, so Kathy, who could I contact to check in on her?

Uh, I didn't really talk about family that much.

Did you have a girlfriend you spoke to right there?

Yeah, but uh, I don't want to talk to her.

Why not? It's my guts.

It's all around huge.

Bitch, take your panties off.

Alright, but you better fucking wash that.

Who do you think I am? Of course I washed it.

Ah.

It's so cold, it's haunting.

It's gonna make you cum so hard, you're gonna end up in an asylum.

Yeah, fuck me in this death house.

Your pussy is my playhouse.

Ugh.

Yeah, put it in me so deep you reached my damaging point.

Wait, that's actually a good one.

Huh? Nothing.

...

Where are you going? I'm trying to build a legacy here.

You don't know where you're going.

Use this. Fill the Christian swine's hearts with terror.

You have me worried. There's no escaping now.

This person's above my asshole.

Hello?

I'm here to spread the word of the lord with you.

Whoa.

Well, we really warm things up in here.

Yeah, it's hot as hell.

I know, I almost feel gross now. Can I use your shower before I take off?

Of course, have fun. The bathroom is full of surprises.

Well, where did you come from, creepy little puppet man?

Did we put on a good show for you?

Hey, Roxy?

Where are you getting there? Will you come take a look at his dummy?

It's the weirdest thing. I don't remember ever.

Well, that's odd. Where did he go?

What do you mean he's right there? No, that's.

.. that's different somehow.

I don't have too much time in here.

Mr. Puppet!

Oh, I don't know about that.

Mr. Puppet, you can talk?

The name's Spiky, and I can do more than just talk.

My master says I have something for you.

You know, I did see this guy lurking around the

house a couple of times while I was still there.

Sort of peeping around, neighborhood pervert.

I probably stepped outside to confront him

the second time, but he wasn't there anymore.

He looked familiar, but I can't place him.

You think he falls into this somehow? I don't know.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm just trying to throw any possible lead we could have.

I just don't understand why you won't let me call this Roxy trick.

She's the closest thing we have to getting any information on her.

Like any changes in behavior.

Listen, this is not going to be any help to us. Just trust me.

But I don't understand what else we have at this moment.

I got one more lead I want to follow up on.

As well as Burnett down the street. Huge personality on this girl.

I got her license plate number. I'm going to track her down, get her phone

number, ask her if she's coming to contact with any new sex toys lately.

If that fails, then we can call Roxy.

Deal? Like, that's the best we can do? Like, just blurt out?

Have you been fucking with any new sex toys lately? Just...

I'll see any problem with it.

Just fucking give me Roxy's number.

We are wasting our time on her. The house is just playing games with us.

Don't you see that? I will bet on my life. It is not Kathy we're looking for.

Yeah, come all over my tits with a possessed fucking puppet cock.

What the hell am I looking at?

Baster said there can be only one.

Kathy, do not be frightened of him.

What's happening? Why are you spanking Kelly, my friend?

You are the chosen one, Kathy. The house chose you. I chose you.

Who are you?

You're Satan and you couldn't possess anything more than a fucking vibrator?

I can take many forms. Now, place me inside of you for even greater powers.

We were just in that boat today. Tomorrow you will

awaken and strengthen with full demonic activity.

Yes, let me enter you. Get off on the sight of your friend's blood.

She will become your satanic slave.

Oops.

Went to voicemail.

I told you.

You should go call back.

Consider yourself lucky for not having to talk to her.

Call it a night?

Call it a night.

Arise!

The time has come.

I summon you for us to complete the ritual and return you to your youth.

Tell me again what we're doing out here.

We're taking the day off. That's what we're doing.

If you look some time off, we'd do us good.

Help us look at this case with a fresh set of eyes, thoughts.

That's why I brought a little something with me.

I don't think that's a good idea, Chad.

You know what I've always hated about hippies?

No. What?

I always tell them what weed does to me. It makes me think too much,

like bad thoughts all racing around in my head, paranoia, panic attacks.

I tell them that. You know what their answer is?

They always say, oh, you're not smoking the

right kind, man. You just gotta smoke with me.

It's like, listen here, you hippie fuck. Everybody's got a

different chemical makeup, which means mine is different than yours.

So weed is good for some people, but not everybody.

But shrooms...

Shrooms I do fuck with.

Remember when you told me you thought you were ambidextrous? Yeah.

...

Have you ever tried using your other hand

for basic things, like writing, for instance?

Well, my mom always told me I was left-handed as a kid.

I guess I just thought I was always bad at most things.

Give me the fucking shrooms.

Hope she won't forget about the plan she made with us today.

Well, maybe she's just sleeping everything off.

Poor girl.

Kathy?

I gotta take a piss.

You wanna have some fun while we wait?

I mean, Kathy would probably want it that way.

I mean, why else would she have left it sitting here if not to fill holes?

So you're ready to clown around in our friend's mysteriously vacant house? Oh, yeah.

Give me a great awakening.

This reminds me of my time when I moved to prison.

Have you ever been on Mount Misery Road?

No.

Oh, okay.

It's kinda hot that all these murders happened in here.

We're totally gonna come together at the prophesied height of them.

Mmm.

Why don't you use that vibrator on me?

You're what? Oh, yeah.

Stir that around in my cauldron like we're a couple wicked witches.

Let me harvest your sexual damage.

Fuck, yeah. Read me a pussy poltergeist.

I put a sex hex on your hot twat.

Mmm.

Hey, it looks like we have company.

I have something for you.

Fucking vampire. I'm not even trying anymore.

It sounds like the witches might call some snap happy whores.

Their ideas are as lifeless as a scarecrow at this point.

Yeah, baby. Look at that school room.

I'm gonna kill that pussy like I'm a cop and it's a minority.

Call me Karen. Call me Karen. Call me Karen.

Sorry. Call me Karen.

Fucking... Do you think we're gonna find this vibrator? Or are we fucked?

I think we're fucked.

We're such bad detectives.

Do you love me?

I know you've had a crush on me for years.

I've never told you this before, but I hate your pants.

Do drugs, kids.

You made the trees cry.

I made the trees cry. I should probably apologize.

If you're a dog, I will sign your document about S.R.D.

Same.

Never gonna find another part of, like, Ballerina.

Goddamn Ballerina, American hero.

I'm talking about banging all these chicks. I've heard some feelings a little bit.

How long have we worked together? Ten years? A decade.

A whole decade.

I don't got this. I don't got this. Fuck this.

It was your last day, anyways. What would you want to do?

Uh... It's too deep of a question.

What's your favorite college?

I don't know where else is going up there.

Is that supposed to be?

You're not even supposed to be here.

Where are you supposed to be?

It's the softest thing I've ever thought.

Last day on Earth.

Sink you out.

I don't even fucking know.

Yeah.

What is the difference between a dildo and a vibrator? One vibrates.

...

Okay, so it vibrates. Everything's vibrating right now. I think we found it.

It's a beautiful creek for army too.

Oh yeah, it's a...

My trousers! It's so wet.

Get me so wet.

I'm gonna fall.

...

It's a fucking creek, man.

Ugh.

Those trees really moving.

So, I think we're gonna find that vibrator.

Oh, fuck.

That guy, that fucking guy, I love you mushrooms.

Guy, what guy?

The guy that was creeping around that house.

I placed him. I knew I recognized him.

He's that fucking guy that shot and killed his

entire family in that house all those years ago.

I forgot to let him on the psych ward. I said he was completely rehabilitated or

something, but he's gotta be up to somebody who's creeping around the house like that.

Wow. Have you been doing any research this entire

time? Am I the only one that does any work around here?

I've known about the sun. You never thought you'd describe

that guy you saw to me? This literally could've saved us weeks.

I forgot... man.

Well, I remember where the home is that he was placed into.

Are you gonna be okay to drive?

I guess we'll find out.

After I can see him, Ron, tell us what you know.

You're too late. My daughter already belongs to the devil.

Ronnie, no! Chad.

Chad!

Huh?

Did you hear what he said?

Sorry, I kinda got caught up looking at these rhymes.

He said daughter!

Daughter? Oh, fuck.

Look at this right here. 24 years ago, Ronnie was accused

of raping one of the nurses that was taking care of him.

He was still claiming he heard voices and that

Satan was making him do bad things at the time.

I assume you knew about this.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

The records say nothing about a child being born, but

it's very well possible that they tried covering it up.

This would also put Kathy near the same age as

the baby that would've been born from the break.

Right. She never told me about her birth

parents, only that she grew up in a foster home.

If Kathy is actually Ron's daughter, that means she's been living in the same

house that her father murdered all of her aunts, uncles, and grandparents in.

This is the first sentence.

This is the second sentence.

This is the second sentence.

This is the second sentence.

I think the shrooms are still making the scene way more fun than it really is.

We'll snap out of it. We have no idea what we're up against here.

You're right. You're right. Let's do this.

You know what?

What?

This does seem more natural on this hand.

Did you just come in your pants?

Just give me a minute.

I don't even think she's human.

For a demon, she's got a smokin' hot body.

.

Dear, it seems here since we've ordered

years full of tears and regrets

I've been alone, broken hearted Crying so hard to forget

Girl of my dreams, I love you Honest, I do

For if I could just hold your charms Again in my arms

Then life would be complete

Since you've been gone, dear Life don't seem the same

Please come back again

For after all's said and done There's only one Girl of my dreams, it's you

For after all's said and done

This is all you fucking talk like, eh?

This is all you fucking talk like, eh?

This is all you fucking talk like, eh?