Original subtitles

[Film projector clicking]

[Intro to yellow ostrich's "marathon man" plays]

♪ When I was a boy of 17 ♪ I know it's mean

♪ but I told my friend to give up on her dream ♪

♪ She hated me ♪ but I knew that dreams were

for the best of us ♪ ♪ and for the rest of us

♪ and I didn't want to share with anyone ♪

[Instrumental break] [Music stops]

[Music resumes] ♪ I need a way to see my

greatest dance ♪ ♪ and make 'em laugh

♪ if I could win the wars or lose the battles, too ♪

♪ Whichever's true ♪ I can live in other people's

lives ♪ ♪ I can't stop putting on other

people's clothes ♪ ♪ I love them till I leave

♪ I am a marathon runner ♪ and my legs are sore

♪ and I'm anxious to see what I'm running for ♪

♪ I am a hot-air balloon ♪ on a sailboat

♪ I would make this my home ♪ if I'd learn to float

[instrumental break]

[Music stops] [Music resumes]

[Guitar solo]

♪ I am a marathon runner ♪ and my legs are sore

♪ and I'm anxious to see ♪ what I'm running for

♪ I am a hot-air balloon ♪ on a sailboat

♪ I would make this my home ♪ if I'd learn to float

♪ I am a marathon runner ♪ and my legs are sore

♪ and I'm anxious to see ♪ what I'm running for

♪ I am a hot-air balloon ♪ on a sailboat

♪ I would make this my home ♪ if I'd learn to float

[song ends] - Shoot.

Dude, you are never gonna believe this.

A shrimp's heart is in its head. This is fucking tripping me out.

Really, Cheech? 10:00 A.M.?

Yeah. Oh, sorry. You getting a contact high?

You gonna be all seizuring out on me?

I don't get seizures.

Mm-hmm. What do you call them again?

They're marijuana-induced fits.

It's a medical condition. - Ha ha. Uh-huh.

What are you doing tonight? - I don't know. I got to go.

Call me later. - Okay.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

Hello? - So, uh, what are you doing

tonight? - [Chuckles]

I don't know. That's why I said, "call me"

later." - I know. I am.

So, ash and I are going to this Alvin Ailey modern-dance thing.

Looks kind of cool. You want to join?

Modern dance? Not exactly what I had in mind

for tonight -- or ever, really. - All right.

Let's definitely grab a beer before I go.

Yeah, I don't know, man. I think I'm just gonna heat up

some Chinese food. - You mean play video games.

All right. Why change your routine at this

point, huh? - I got to go. Bye.

[Music continues] - There you go.

Thank you. - Hi. What can I get for you?

I'll just take a medium coffee to go.

Thanks.

Such a -- such a beautiful day out, and it, uh, doesn't --

doesn't feel like November at all.

Feels like maybe early s-- early summer -- June.

[Clears throat] - Here you go.

Here you go. - Thank you.

Thanks. Done and done.

[Cash register dings] LA te-- I-apostrophe-ticia?

L'ticia?

Okay. Thanks so much. Thank you.

Mr. Newman, hello. - Hello.

It's quite an honor. My name is David abbott.

I have read all three of your books.

Oh, thank you, David. You can just call me "Sam."

[Chuckles] Sam.

Can you make it out to "sticky fingers"?

That is my avatar name. - Sticky fingers?

Yes. - Okay.

Question for you. What inspired your decision to

kill of Tabitha at the end? - Well...

Was it because she had broken the sacred oath of the Valdrusan

nymphs? I mean, I guess she had it

coming. - Uh, actually, sticky, I was

sort of inspired by the movie studio that commissioned me to

write it, honestly. You see, the movie was already

made, so they just paid me to write exactly happened in the

m-movie. You know, that -- that's what I

do.

All right.

Surprise! - Oh, my God!

Sarah! - Hi.

Jesus. Sarah Anderson.

Holy shit. - Oh, no.

Actually, it's Sarah shipper now.

Wow. Crazy. What are you -- congratulations.

Thank you. - That's a -- that's a rock.

W-- I don't -- what are you -- what are you doing here?

Well, my husband works around the corner.

I was walking by and I saw your name, and I thought, "I should"

just pop in." - Yeah. I'm glad -- I'm sorry.

I'm glad you did. Hi.

Oh. - Wait. What?

Yep. That happened. - You got a --

a baby. - You got a baby.

Yeah. - Wow. Wow.

What about you? You got a wife or kids, family?

Nope. No. None of the above. - Not even a girlfriend?

Eh. - Aww.

Ohh. - Congratulations on the whole

writing thing. It's great.

Yeah. Yeah. Not -- not bad. Not bad.

So, where does your husband work?

You said he works around the -- oh, he's at the puma store.

Oh, no. - Oh, he's a columnist at

the times. - The New York time?

Yeah. - Whoa.

Yeah. - Cool.

Well, I'd love to get a copy of the book.

Ohh. Really? - Yeah. Sure.

Okay. Uh... - Want to sign it for me?

Oh, sure. It just seems so weird.

Let's see. Uh, okay.

[Chuckles]

All right. - Yeah.

How are your parents?

Uh... Uh... Yeh. Heh. They got a -- they

got a divorce. - What?

After I left for college, yeah.

My mom, uh -- - they always seemed like they

had the most perfect relationship.

Hey, guess where Joel and I are spending the summer.

Y-Y-Yosemite. - Espoo.

Where? - Espoo, where my whole

family's from. Are you kidding?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I remember -- in, uh,

n-Norway. - Finland.

Finland. Near Norway. - We talked about getting

married there, but, well, it's nice to see that you haven't

changed at all, Sam.

[Chuckles] So...

Take care, Sam. - You, too.

Dude, she's pregnant! - That sucks.

Yeah! I'm sitting there signing autographs like a

jackass -- this stupid book. It was so humiliating.

Sorry, Mr. Newman. - Yeah.

My manager told me I have to take the order now.

You want to have the special? - Uh, no, just the usual.

Thanks, Howard. Um... So, she looks at me like I

was the saddest, most pathet-- sorry I don't work for

the New York times. The new the New York times

is not really what it used to be.

I got to go. - Oh, wait. Uh --

I have another customer to take care of.

Well, I'll talk to you s-- - bye.

Okay.

Oh, my God. I got to write something good.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

There you go. - What's that for?

Oh. I thought -- aren't you --

homeless? - Sorry. I just thought that

was a -- - that's a chai.

[Cellphone rings] - I'm so sorry. Uh...

Hey, what's up?

Yeah. No, I saw the instagram.

Hey, Alan. - Hey. How'd the signing go,

guy? - Um, it's fine.

Yeah, all right. Total domination, right?

"Teen vampire" continues to command the shelves.

Well, quantity over quality. That's what I say.

All right, listen -- the studio would like you to

translate a couple more of their films into books.

Yeah, I don't know, man. I-i --

the first one here actually smells pretty good.

Let me set the table for you. It's an action-adventure flick,

and it's called "doomtombalienwomb" -- it's one

word -- "dot-net," I think. Check it out.

It's sizzling, and they got apps and they got the whole thing

happening. - Okay. Yeah. Um...

All right. Let me move on.

I got a romantic comedy for you, too, and this one's called

"sherpa." - "Sherpa"?

I think you could kill this shit.

Like the -- like the Nepal-- - yeah, a woman who climbs

Everest. - Okay.

But in the process, she finds the biggest discovery of her

life -- love with her sherpa guide.

She falls in love with him. They're from different

backgrounds. They speak the language of

kindness or something like that. - Listen, Alan, I don't know.

I -- - lookit -- I'm not saying that

this stuff is actually hard-on-inducing, but you pop

off a couple more of these bad boys --

you know what, Alan? I think I'm gonna start writing

something else -- something original, something personal.

Yeah. Listen, I totally get it.

So, I'm gonna take a little time off and start working on

this thing, okay?

All right. Here -- here's the thing.

You're burned out. You want to move the blocks

around. You want to reset the table.

I'm gonna move on. Yes. - You need to take a break, you

need to do something a little bit different, and I totally get

that. And that's what I want you to

do, 'cause I want you to stoke the fire.

If you take the coal too far away from the fire, then the

coal burns out. If you put the coal back in the

fire, then the coal's gonna burn.

I don't want you to ever think that anybody has ever called you

a hack writer. - W-- hack writer? What?

Okay. When you start writing the pages, you send them over to

me. - Hey, Alan, hack writer?

What are you talking about? - I'm just telling you they

haven't said it. - What?

I'm gonna go. Let me know when you're doing

stuff. - Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

Ooh, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Aah!

Thanks. I'm really sorry. - Just got in?

I'm sorry. What? Sorry? - Oh, I'm just saying I think I

saw you come in to work. - Oh, yeah.

I am late as usual. - Yeah, always late.

[Both chuckle]

Ah! Can I get a refill for you?

Oh, yeah. Uh, thanks.

Oh, shit! - What? Are you okay?

No. Fuck. Um, I think someone just stole

my computer. - Oh, God.

Yeah, I had it here, and I put it in a bag.

It was in a blue computer bag. I was gonna go to the bathroom.

Do you have another one? - Do you s-- hmm?

Besides that one?

No. That's it. Just that one, actually.

[Chuckles] Thanks.

No, it would have been devastating if you lost your

masterpiece. No reason to go on.

I know. Fortunately, it's just two pages

of bad haikus and dirty limericks.

[Both chuckle] - But you're a doodlist as

well, I see. - Oh, yeah. I just scribble.

I dabble in the doodles myself.

Yeah? Really? - Yeah. I do caricatures in

prospect park. - Oh, cool.

I'm sorry. Is this gorbachev?

No, that's just a creepy guy. - Oh. That's too bad.

I'm a huge gorbachev fan. - Oh. Well, let's --

now it's gorbachev. You can gorbachev anything.

[Chuckles] That's really good.

Thanks. - It's birdie.

It's very birdie. - Oh, my name is birdie.

Oh, okay. Sorry.

Um...

I'm Sam. Uh, that's my name.

[Clears throat] It's like "Pam" with an "s."

Oh. So -- so, spam. - No, the "p" is silent.

It's confusing. - [Laughs]

[Sighs] - I would love to continue this

conversation, but -- - yeah, of course. Sorry. Yeah.

Sorry. - Large coffee, almond milk,

three sweet'n lows, two napkins. The name's Emily.

Nice to meet you. - Emily, like "jemily," but the

"j" is silent. - [Chuckles]

Actually, "gemily" is spelled with a "g," usually.

Is it? Do you know any Gemilys?

Sorry.

[Sighs]

Hey, El, where's the toothpaste?!

El!

Hey, what'd you -- oh, shit!

Shit. - What the fuck?

Sorry. - You can't do that with the

door wide open. - Well, I thought you were in

the shower. I always wait till you're in the

shower. - You do? Oh, God.

Now every time I take a shower, I'm gonna think about that.

Can I turn around? - Yeah.

Is that princess Leia? - N-- yeah.

Are you seriously jerking off to current pictures of

Carrie fisher? - Remember when we were kids,

dude? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you

were pretty obsessed with her, too.

Yeah, I was obsessed with her when she was in "star wars."

What am I, 12? You really expect me to pleasure

myself to fucking "star wars"? - What are you talking about?

You can get older, and she can stay the same age in picture

form. - Women, like men, grow up.

Everybody ages. It's a natural fact of life.

You're not dating her. You're just jerking off to her.

All right. - I -- okay, yeah.

Just close your door next time. - Can you close it?

Ugh! - Are you going back in the

shower, by any chance? - Please don't.

Just please don't.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

Excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry.

Do you by any chance know what time birdie -- or it might be

"bertie" -- is working? - It's "birdie," like "caw,

caw!" You're a friend of hers?

Uh, yeah, sort of.

She got canned. - What?! Why? What happened?

She was late. - For work?

No. For her fucking period. - Why -- I'm sorry.

I don't know what's g-- I feel like maybe we got off on

the wrong foot. I'm Sam, by the way.

Okay. - And your name is?

It's Gerard. - Gerard.

Strard. - Stre-Gerard.

Strard. - Stard.

Stard. - Chard.

Leave it. - Anyway, what happened with

birdie? - I already told you she was

late.

Right. But j-just -- - anything else,

inspector Watson? - No, that's -- that's great.

Thanks for --

do you think maybe she'll come back here?

For what? - I don't know.

Me, neither. Why don't you just find her

online? - I don't know her --

birdie hazel. - Hazel.

Okay.

Thank-- thanks, g-- sir.

Okay. I think I got everything.

Where you guys going? - I told you a trillion times

we're going to Ashley's parents' place.

Then we're going to sacred spirit.

Oh, right -- camp brainwash. Eliot, don't forget your camera.

I think it's on the desk. - Oh, yes.

Bye! - Bye-ee!

Hey, El, I found birdie's online profile.

You did? Who? - You know, the coffee-shop

girl.

Pretty amazing, actually. - Oh, yeah? Nice.

Yeah. You got to see this. I don't know what to do.

What's the next move? - Write her a message saying

you want to see her. - Really? Should I?

That seems weird. Just, like, a blind message?

I don't -- I don't know anything about her.

Yeah. Sure, you do. That's the beauty of getting to

see her Facebook profile. There's so much information on

there, you know? I mean, hell, you could become

the man of her dreams if you wanted.

That's true. - You know?

Baby? - Yo.

Come on. I'm double-parked. What are you doing?

Oh, shit. See you next week, playa.

See you.

[Buzzer sounds] - ♪ "g," "d," "b" minor, "a,"

"g," "g" ♪ play a "g."

Oh. Uh, okay. I'm not sure I got that one.

Next finger goes on the -- is that a fret?

It's called a fret. Sorry. I don't know --

you got to bar it. - Ow. Ow.

Okay. That's it? [Chord plays]

It sounded different than yours. - Will you stop with the 'tude

and the condescending shit? Music is about opening.

Your generation is so... Sexy and they know it and they're

texting.

Just 'cause you got my number off a telephone pole doesn't

mean I'm not ferocious on the ax.

I played fucking Woodstock, man. - Woodstock? Really?

That's kind of -- 'cause you don't really seem that --

Woodstock '99, captain! So, you want to fuck with that?

I played backup with the fucking spin doctors, bro-rometer.

Wow. - Yeah, wow.

That's pretty cool. - It's really cool.

Look it up. - I'll Google it.

Yeah. Do that. I didn't technically play

backup, but I was backing them up from a choice seat backstage.

I'm pretty tight with Chris barron's brother.

Is he -- is he in the spin doctors?

Are you f'ing fucking with me?

I-I don't -- - is this "punk'd"?

Am I "punk'd"? Are you Ashley Kutcher?

Ashton. - Who doesn't know

Chris barron? - I don't. Sorry.

He's the original doc. He hooked me up with backstage

passes, and we did enough "k" to date-rape a horse.

What's "k"? - And you want to be a rock

star. Without "k," the spin doctors

would be spin nurses. It's a fucking horse

tranquilizer, champion. - Gary, I totally respect your

musical background, and that's why I just really want you to

teach me how to play. - Yeah? Why?

I just want to -- - why?

I just want to learn. - Nobody just wants to learn.

You either want money, pussy, or fame.

Which one is it? - I just want to learn.

Money, pussy, or fame? - I want to --

which one is it?

Well, okay. There's a girl. - So, it's pussy.

Yeah, fine, I guess. - Well, does she have a pussy?

Can you just tell me where the "g" is, please?

It's right above the clit, inside the pussy.

The "g" chord. Can you -- what are you doing?

If you just listen -- shh! -- And stop fucking around,

Dr. Gary will teach you a thing or three.

You know what I mean? - I think so.

["Two princes" plays] - ♪ yeah, one, two princes

kneel before you ♪ ♪ that's what I said now

♪ princes, princes who adore you ♪

♪ Go ahead now ♪ one has diamonds in his

pockets ♪ ♪ and that's some bread now

♪ this one, he wants to buy you lockets ♪

♪ Ain't in his head now ♪ he-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-y

♪ bi-di-dip [Intro to spin doctors'

["two princes" plays]

♪ Yeah, one, two princes kneel before you ♪

♪ That's what I said now ♪ princes, princes who adore

you ♪ ♪ just go ahead now

♪ one has diamonds in his pockets ♪

♪ And that's some bread now ♪ this one said he wants to buy

you rockets ♪ ♪ ain't in his head now

♪ he-e-e-e-y, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ do do-do do

♪ do do do do-do ♪ ba-deedly de-ba da-ba da-ba

da-ba da-ba da-ba da-ba da-ba ♪ ♪ this one got a princely

racket ♪ ♪ that's what I said now

♪ got some big seal upon his jacket ♪

♪ Ain't in his head now ♪ you marry him, your father

will condone you ♪ ♪ how 'bout that, now?

♪ You marry me, your father will disown you ♪

♪ He'll eat his hat now ♪ marry him or marry me

♪ I'm the one that loves you, baby, can't you see? ♪

♪ I ain't got no future or family tree ♪

♪ But I know what a prince and lover ought to be ♪

♪ I know what a prince and lover ought to be ♪

♪ Said if you want to call me baby, just go ahead now ♪

♪ And if you'd like to tell me maybe, just go ahead now ♪

♪ And if you want to buy me flowers, just go ahead now ♪

♪ And if you'd like to talk for hours, just go ahead now ♪

[Guitar solo]

Tap out. Tap out.

I'm trying. - Tap out!

I'm trying. - Tap out.

Ugh! - This is good!

Holy Jesus! [Solo continues]

[Bell jingles]

Hey, Gerard. - Hey.

I'm, uh, here to pick up my last paycheck.

Somebody stole it. - What?

What? I'm joking. Jesus!

Don't get your boyshorts in a panty bundle.

How could someone possibly steal it and then cash it?

I-I-i don't know. - Exactly, genius.

I stole it and tried to cash it -- didn't work.

Great. Well... I'm just glad it's still here.

Did he find you? - Who?

That Laotian boy. Oh, you can run, but you can't

hide.

When you're done with him, give him my digits.

Okay. I-i don't -- I don't know what

you're talking about, so I'm just gonna take this.

Thank you.

And... Yeah. Bye. ♪ I know what a prince and lover

ought to be ♪

♪ 10 years ago, I bought you some cufflinks ♪

♪ "C" and then to "g" - ♪ we both know...

♪ Head back to "d" ♪ and back to

hey! Welcome home! - What the fuck is going on?

Oh, man. You missed -- oh, shit!

I got to flip the mahi! Ahh!

Damn it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no. Ah, I knew it.

Should have done the medallions. Should have done the medallions.

What is going on, man? - Oh. I... Found some

inspiration. - Cocaine?

Ha ha ha ha. No, no, no.

Let's just say a little bird helped me out.

I'm not -- not getting it. - Birdie! Duh.

The coffee-shop girl. - Birdie. Right.

Can you turn that down a little? Way down.

Sorry, man. Sorry. Listen, I got to tell you

something. I haven't felt this way in such

a long time. I feel this, like, uh -- like a

jolt, you know -- like a thump. - Don't say, "spark."

A spark. It's true! I can't explain it any other

way. It's this intangible feeling

that... Feels pretty good. - I love that, man.

That's great. - Oh, shit. Is she coming over?

You want me to go to Ashley's? - Oh, no.

She's not coming here. - Oh, she's not?

That's great, though. You guys been hanging?

No. - You been talking on the phone

with her? - No.

A little online chatting? - Not quite.

See, I'm getting a little creeped out, man.

I'm doing exactly what you said.

What I told you to do? - Yeah. I'm becoming the man of

her dreams. - I don't think that that --

I'm preparing for the moment to arise.

I've been studying her Facebook page all week.

I know it backwards and forwards.

I'm visualizing the whole thing. I got it.

[Clicks tongue] - Okay. How 'bout this?

Yeah? - Visualize writing her a

message but then literally do it right now.

Write her a message r-right now?

Yeah.

Okay. You know what? Screw it. You're right.

Let's do this. - All right.

This is the moment. Carpe diem.

Um... Okay. So, what -- what do I write?

Uh, uh, uh... Got it. - Okay.

"I love and invite my soul..."

What is this? What is this? - This is "leaves of grass,"

Walt Whitman. Birdie loves Whitman.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Really? Why? Why? Why? - Dude, look at this. Look.

"Hey, babe. I hope you're still coming to my

show on Tuesday. Lol. Jackie." Who's Jackie?

It's Jackie Williams. She's an aspiring actress.

Their parents are family friends.

She loves Kathy Griffin. She's an aquarius.

She does the show on Tuesday night that used to be "improv."

[Laughing] Oh, my God. It's really disturbing you know

that, but that's your in. - What do you mean, that's my

in? I'm gonna go to some shitty

improv show, sit through the whole thing, just so I can stare

at her in the audience? - No. You -- so you can talk to

her. - All right, flower, grow!

Grow! Grow! Grow! Faster! Why don't you grow faster,

flower? Now run around.

Ahhh! - Yeah, but you love that

flower. Tell that flower that you love

her. She has to to turn into a

flower, then turn into growing water, then turn into something

big. You want to check that!

[Indistinct conversations]

That was pretty funny. - Hey. Can I get one of these?

[Mid-tempo music playing]

Oh, my God. Wait, wait. Oh. Do you ever go to the

second stop cafe? - Well...

Oh, gorbachev! - Sam.

That's it! Yeah. Yeah. Birdie.

Birdie? Yeah. - Both: What have you been up

to? - I -- Jesus.

Oh, no. Um, nothing.

Just, uh, watching... - Really bad improv.

Glad you said that. It was -- yikes.

Though I commend them for their courage.

I would never have the nerve to get onstage like that if I

didn't have a guitar in my hands.

You play guitar? - Yeah, yeah, a little bit --

just to relax and stuff. Mellow stuff, yeah -- Joan baez

kind of stuff. - Oh, you like Joan baez?

I love Joan baez! - She's the best! Yeah!

No, she's my favorite. - Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

I grew up with her. Not literally, but --

right. - She's amazing.

"Diamonds and rust"? - Dude, every time I walk into

Washington square, I think of that.

Me, too. - "Now you're smiling, looking"

out the window of that crummy hotel over Washington square.

Our breath comes out white clouds, mingles, hangs in the

air." Ohh!

I know. Oh, my God. Every time I'm in the park, I

think that. - Yeah.

[Exhales sharply] Well, um, listen, next time I'm

in the second stop, you got to give me the Joan baez fan

discount. - I would love to.

It might be a little hard now since I was fired.

I know... Now. Now I know. Uh, that sucks.

I'm glad that I ran into you here, though.

Yeah, me, too. - Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

Oh, hey, girl. Oh, you were so good -- so good.

Thanks for coming. Thank you.

Literally, you couldn't have picked a better night, except

for that skank who kept cutting me off.

Uh, well, j-Jackie, Sam. - Hey.

Hey, Sam. - Um, Sam was just saying

something about the show, right? What is it that you were saying?

Well, we were laughing... - Thank God.

...and saying that we will never forget this night.

That was it. - It was very memorable.

Literally? - Yep.

Thanks. So, do you know someone in the

troupe, or...

No. I just -- I enjoy the art form.

Art form? Wow. Thank you, Sam.

Dibs. [Both chuckle]

So, do you have to -- - no.

Oh. [Clears throat]

[Chuckles] - Can I cook you dinner

sometime?

Hey!

Oh, sorry. I need some scented candles,

dried flowers, incense -- either passion or don Juan brand -- and

there's something else that I didn't write down.

Oh, sage. Do you sell sage? Great.

♪ Hey, sister, can you feel my soul runs free? ♪

♪ Destruction breaks the core, taking toll on me ♪

♪ Life stings with circumstances ♪

♪ Cheating death romances me

[instrumental break]

♪ Hey, mister, did you miss your chance to see some truth? ♪

♪ Have you misplaced your identity? ♪

♪ You've searched for all the action ♪

♪ Where the dead can dance and sing ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

[woman speaking indistinctly on television]

[Cellphone rings]

[Television shuts off]

Hello? - Sam, hey.

I am so sorry. I got caught up.

Yeah, totally. That's cool.

I wasn't sure if you remembered --

I'm at the hospital, actually.

Oh, my God. - I'm fine.

Um... Mm. My ex is a carpenter, actually,

and he hurt his hand... - And he didn't have anyone

else to drive him. - That's actually a really nice

thing to do. - He would do the same thing

for me. Well, I really want to make it

up to you. I take a ballroom class every

Thursday if you're interested. - Oh, I also do ballroom.

You do? - Honestly, though, I haven't

done it since I was really, really young, but...

Well, you better find something snazzy to wear.

Okay. I will. - All right.

I'll talk to you then. - Okay, good. Good.

All right. - Bye.

Bye.

Okay.

[Exhales sharply] [Chuckles]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

I-I like your outfit. - [Laughing] Thanks.

What do you -- where are your dancing clothes?

Oh, I've got them on. They're just under here.

It's just like a wife beater and a t-shirt.

Yeah? - Yeah. [Chuckles]

I think I'm gonna go home and change really quick.

Oh, no. - I misinterpreted what you

said. - No, no. Come on.

Uh... - Just take your jacket off a

second. I'm sure it's fine.

Okay, I-i-i got to -- I just got to tell you, when I was

dancing, they wore different things, and you said,

"snazzy." - I know. I did say, "snazzy."

Okay, really quick. You can't laugh or else I'm

jumping out of the cab. - [Laughs]

Okay. - No, no! I don't --

I mean, that was a laugh of excitement because it's so

snazzy. - Can I go home?

I'm just gonna put a t-shirt -- - I think it's great.

I think it's great. Some people dress us, so it's

okay. - Oh, no.

And we're here anyway, so... It's gonna be fine.

I got you. I promise it's gonna be -- it's

gonna be fine. - Oh, please. Okay.

Oh, uh, sorry, sir. How much -- how much do I owe

you?

What are you doing? [Camera shutter clicks]

[Chuckles]

Oh, it's right here. - Oh, okay.

He-ey! - Hey!

Birdie, what have we got here?

Harriet, Henry, this is my new recruit, Sam.

Oh, Sam. - Raymond's not gonna be

pleased. - Ah, he'll be fine.

Hey, nice threads. - Oh, thank you.

You a pro? - No. Are you?

How do you define a pro? - Well, it's someone who gets

paid for dancing, I guess. - Oh, not with money.

We get rewards in other ways. - Ahh.

Pride. - Right.

Roberto. - Oh, hi. Sam.

Mercedes. - Oh, hello. Hi.

We've won this thing for the last three years.

Don't get any ideas.

Okay.

Wow. - It's not a competition.

Oh. Did someone tell them that?

[Laughs] So, let me get this straight --

you write novels for movies that already exist.

Yes. Yep. Did you see, um, you know,

"teen vampire"? - That -- that was huge.

The movie was, yeah. The novelization was, uh, not so

much. - I'm gonna read it anyway.

You don't have to read it, really.

Just rent the movie. - What's your favorite book?

"The teachings of don Juan: A yaqui way of knowledge."

Are you serious? - What?

That's my favorite book. - What?!

Yeah! Oh, when he turns into the --

the crow. - Dude, I tripped out in

college. - I tripped out so hard.

First day on the job, rookie? - No.

First day on the job, rookie. - Okay, he just said that.

What's with those two? - Ah, don't listen to them.

Ohh! Yeah, see? [Laughs]

You actually have some pretty sweet moves.

Oh, thanks. Must be all the judo training.

Deep into judo. - [Laughs]

What? What's so funny?

Nothing. No. It's just... My parents' dog's

name is judo, and you said, "deep into judo."

That just sounded funny. I'm an infant.

[Laughs] - Yeah. Your parents' dog is

named judo? - Yeah.

[Chuckles] That is funny.

Invite her to the next sacred spirit retreat.

This one's only one night. - Are you kidding?

No. I actually like this girl.

Are you drinking whiskey? - Bourbon.

Bourbon? - I hate it so much.

It's her favorite, though. Got to build up my immunity.

Are you okay? - It's so smooth.

[Exhales sharply] - ♪ I.O.V. For you and me

♪ that's just the way it's got

to be ♪

♪ L.O.V. For you and me ♪ that's just the way

hey, Gerard, what's another word for "smitten"?

"Horny." - ♪ love is a feeling

♪ feel the words of love ♪ come on, now

♪ hold these words as the sweetest embrace ♪

♪ And try ♪ come on, try

[keyboard solo] [Keys clacking]

I think you might be the first guy I've ever met that

actually likes doing this. - ♪ ...That you've given up on

love ♪ ♪ I'm hoping that you'll come

around ♪ - this is so exciting, right?

I wish I could draw. That is such a dope talent.

You know, this one here is quite the talented artist

himself. - Yeah, right.

I'm -- no, I'm not. I'm not as -- not as dope as she

is. - [Laughs]

Oh, my God. That's so funny.

These are so good.

Do you have, like, a time frame to make it doing drawing

or whatever? - Well, what do you mean, "make"

it"? Success is a myth.

Love's the only true currency. After all this is done, all that

really matters is how and who you loved.

There must be something that you're working toward, right?

This. - What do you mean, this?

This brings me happiness. You know, and maybe, you know,

in a week or maybe a year from now, it won't, but, you know,

then I'll just move on to the next thing that does.

All right. - It's good.

I think -- I think we're done, yeah.

It's about time. - You two are such a rad

couple. You both draw or whatever.

It's so cool. I remember when Kyle first --

hey, let's go. - Sorry. [Chuckles]

Good luck. - Good luck to you.

Yeesh. You must not be able to always

draw people completely accurately at the risk of

offending them, I imagine. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, every now and then, you get someone that's, like,

slightly offended. - I kind of miss Kyle, in a

weird way. - Yeah, well, we'll always have

the memory of Kyle in our hearts.

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

We can always look back and smile.

[Chuckles] What?

Nothing. I'm...

Just glad I met you. That's all.

I was -- - oh.

Both: Sorry. - Um... Sorry.

That was -- I was supposed to kiss you on the cheek.

Right.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

Cheek, too.

Are you free tonight? - Yeah.

Yeah? - Sure.

♪ The future's still a mystery ♪

So, your ex is singing tonight?

This is the one from the hospital?

Yes, Tony. - Oh, cool.

He's really cool, and he just got back from, like, traveling

all around the world. - Wow.

Yeah. I can't wait for you to meet him, though.

He's gonna love you. - Oh. I... Can't wait... To be...

Loved by him. [Chuckles]

I thought you said, um -- I mean, isn't he a carpenter or --

yeah, yeah. Well, you know, Tony is an

interesting one because he kind of does, like, a little bit of

everything, so he just got into carpentry, and he's juts been

doing it on the side for friends and family.

Oh, very cool. - Yeah.

He's like a Jack of all trades.

Exactly. - I can't wait to meet him.

Hey! - Jesus Christ.

Tony! - Oh, Tony, hey.

It's you, right? - Hey. How's it going?

I am so fucking glad to meet you.

Yeah. Fucking... Good to meet you.

Thanks for coming up. Mm. Wow. Looking good.

[Laughing] Thanks. - I love you, babe.

Oh, you know I wouldn't miss it.

Yeah? Come on. Let's get this musical debacle

started. - Yeah.

I can't wait to hear you play. I've heard so much about you.

Oh, that's good of you to say, man.

Thanks a lot. I can't wait to play, but I went

and chopped up my paw really good.

Oh. - Tony, you have to be more

careful next time. - Yeah, okay.

You hear that? That is exactly the reason why

she gets along with my ma. [Both laugh]

Aww. - Oh, my God!

What? - I can't believe I didn't

think of this. Sam plays guitar.

Seriously? - Yeah.

No. Brother. - Oh.

You're up. - Oh, n-- oh, well --

he plays! - No, no! No, no, Tony.

Would you? Come on. - Tony, honestly --

I won't take "no" for an answer.

Please, Tony. Don't do this to me.

Tony... - You guys ready?

Brother, you ready? - Yeah.

3...2...Go. - I got to tune this up.

You know what? I should tune.

Sorry, guys. It's how this is -- yeah. Yeah.

Is this -- this is -- - you take your time, bro.

You take your time, brother. - I don't think -- I'm not

really used to playing this. I'm a righty.

He's good, right? I mean, he does this -- yeah.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Can you do it with him?

Ohh! What?! I'm sorry. Popped -- popped the old string.

Sorry, guys. - It's all right, brother.

Oh, sorry. I owe you a guitar.

Things break. They're objects.

It's all right. - All right. Thanks, brother.

This one's gonna go out for you. - What was that?

I just -- it's too hard. Too much.

Don't worry about it.

[Mid-tempo music playing]

Birdie hazel, ladies and gents!

Bring her on up! - Oh, oh.

Come on up, doll. - No!

Come on. - Hurry.

Okay. - Hurry.

[Laughs] All right.

[Music continues] - ♪ oh, who will dress your

pretty little feet? ♪ ♪ who will glove your hand?

♪ And who will kiss your rosy red cheeks ♪

♪ When I'm in a far-off land? ♪ the storms are on the ocean

♪ the heavens may cease to be ♪ this world may lose its

motion, love ♪ ♪ if I prove false to thee

[scattered cheers] [Music continues]

You're so -- so amazing. Like, I had no idea you could do

that. - Oh, thanks.

[Laughs] - Oh. Oh, my God.

Talented. - Hi!

Oh, hey. - Hey.

This -- hey. - Hi.

Hi. - This is birdie.

I'm Ashley. We've heard so much about you.

Hey. I'm eliot. - Nice to meet you.

Birdie. - Yeah.

I feel like I know you already.

He won't stop talking about you. - Oh, uh-oh. Stalker alert.

No, no. Nothing like that. - Oh, did you tell her about

the, uh, sacred spirit retreat? - No, eliot.

You guys, you don't have to come.

Sacred spirit? What? What? - It's this -- go ahead.

Well, the next one's only one night.

It's sort of a nightly camp to kind of gather your thoughts.

Bunch of other people out in nature -- refresh your spirit.

That sounds awesome. That's, like, right up my alley,

yeah. - Yeah! It's cool.

> It's pretty cool. Do you -- you want to go?

Really? - Yeah. I mean, really.

Would that be cool? - Oh...

Absolutely. - ...Yeah.

Yeah. Please. Please. - If that's okay, that'd be

great. - Yeah.

That's great. - Yes!

Oh, great. Oh, good. 'Cause I wanted to go, too,

so... - Perfect. Perfect.

Awesome. Well, it was nice to meet you

guys. Um, where's the nearest subway

stop? - Oh, I'll walk you --

no, no. Forget it. Get in the car. It's too cold.

Really? - Yeah. Sure.

Oh, my God. That's so nice. Thank you. Um, okay.

[Smooches] All right.

Uh... - Bye.

Bye. - [Chuckles]

Hey. Here. - Oh, I -- oh.

I got it. - Where am I going?

You really got it. - Just...

She seems great! - She knows not to say

anything, right? [Intro to Lord Huron's

["she lit a fire" plays] Hey, El, do you have a cool,

like, hippie-type shirt I could wear for the retreat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Just give me a minute.

What are you doing? - I'm just looking at a

magazine. - Looking at a magazine?

We got to go! What magazine you looking at?

Martha Stewart livin. - Why -- oh, God.

Martha Stewart? Really? - Yeah, dude.

You got to see this Thanksgiving-issue cover.

It's insane. - No, I'm good.

Buddy, we got to go. - All right.

Thanks for killing the mood. - Sorry.

You pumped for the retreat? - Pumped? No.

Do you have -- oh. - Birdie will love it.

You think? - Thanks.

♪ She lit a fire, and now

she's in my every thought ♪

♪ She lit a fire, and now she's in my every thought ♪

♪ Where ♪ could that girl have gone?

♪ Where? ♪ I've wandered far

♪ where ♪ could that girl have gone?

♪ She left no trace, but I know her face ♪

♪ I will find her

[indistinct conversations] - It's really cold.

Ahh.

Yeah. You know, I don't -- I don't really smoke that much,

but what the hell? - Yeah. Me, too.

I'm not exactly the lead singer of phish, either, but you know

what the say -- when at retreats...

Dude... You sure? - I'll light the old Christmas

tree whenever I get the urge. [All chuckle]

What? - "Christmas tree"?

S'mores for me. - S'mores, Sam.

[Clears throat] Mm.

So, birdie, is that, like, a nickname, or that's --

God. No, my parents were hippies, and they felt like the

world was caging in on us, so they wanted their little girl to

fly free -- hence, birdie. - That's so cool.

[Coughs] [Coughing]

Oh, no. - No, no.

What's wrong?

Hey, it might be the shrooms talking to the "k," but don't

you teach me guitar? - No, it's the shrooms talking

to you. - You teach me guitar.

No, no. - Hey, is this the chick?

No. - Is this the little pussy?

Hey, guys, I'm gonna -- I'm gonna go get some s'mores, I

think. - Okay.

You good? - Where you going?!

A little high. You want a s'more?

Hello? [Sitar music plays]

What the fuck? [Breathing heavily]

[Muttering]

Sam. Sam.

[Gasps] Huh? - You okay?

Oh, no. I'm chillin'. - Guys, come on.

This mantra's not gonna chant itself.

Okay! Oh, Jesus.

Your boyfriend is killing me with this thing.

I was doing so well, too. It was happening.

It was flowing. Now I'm so stoned.

I'm so fucked. I'm gonna be completely exposed.

What are you doing? - Huh?

Oh, eating helps calm me down when I'm stressed out.

I have a medical condition. These are disgusting.

No, what -- what are you doing with the girl?

What are you talking about? Completely exposed?

Sam, it's -- it's a little dramatic, I think.

Ash, look at her. Look at this place.

It's a perfect fit. I can't do this shit.

It's not me. I don't know what I'm doing

here. This was such a mistake.

It's called "compromise." Look, wine tasting isn't exactly

Eliot's, like, favorite thing in the world, but remember?

He took me to the finger lakes last summer.

We had a really good time 'cause he knew it was something that I

had always wanted to do. - He showed me the pictures.

I know! And, look, I am not really into

all this spiritual mumbo-jumbo...

Right? - ...But I come on all these

retreats with him. Look, you don't have to love it.

You just have to try it for the sake of your partner.

Right. You're right.

Eyes on the prize, soldier. - Okay.

Okay. - Eyes on the prize.

Here. Take a napkin. - Uh, no. I'm good.

Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

Eyes on the prize. [People chanting]

Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

Both: Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

All: Eyes on the prize. - That's what I said now.

I'm the one that loves you, baby, can't you see?

I'm the one that loves you, baby, can't you see?

Just go ahead now. If you want to buy me flowers,

just go ahead now. - I wish I could say that was

the craziest that that I've ever done just now.

I-I can say that, easily. I-i can say that I've never

started a chant before. - You had them going!

They loved it! - Yeah. That got --

it was fun. - It got intense.

Okay. If you could go anywhere in the

world, where would you go? - Orlando, definitely.

I've always wanted to go to Orlando or maybe one of the

outlying suburbs of Orlando. - [Laughs]

I don't know. I haven't traveled as much as I

want to. I really want to travel.

I've never even been outside the states.

Really? Oh, man. - I'd love to go to the

Galápagos islands, though. That's the -- that's the

place -- one place I'd want to go.

That's so crazy. - Why?

That's, like, the one place on earth I don't want to go.

R-- r-- are you kidding? - No. Well, okay.

I love what it represents, and I'm in love with place, but I-i

feel like by going there, it would be like the end of what

makes it what it is. You know?

It's like this untouched part of the world, and it's got all

these incredible animals that you can't find anywhere else,

and they're just roaming freely. - Tortoises and...

There's, like, this natural perfection to it.

Right. So, that's -- what's wrong with that?

That sounds -- that sounds great.

Yeah, but I feel like we'd find a way to fuck it up, you

know? Selfishly, I'd love to go, I'd

love to experience it, but if we got to go, so would bloated

tourists who want to make that a honeymoon.

No, thanks. - [Chuckles]

No, that's -- that's exactly how I feel about Orlando.

[Laughs] [Sighs]

Oh, my God. My parents would love this.

Oh, really? - Yeah.

They must be, like superhippies.

Let me put it this way -- in college, they had a band called

hemp hemp hooray. - [Laughing] What?

That's -- that's amazing. - Yeah.

Where do they live? - They live in Oregon, growing

God knows what on their farm.

What about you?

What about your parents? - Ma -- my dad's fine.

He's, uh, up in Vermont, living the quiet life.

He's a retired -- retired columnist, very heady.

Nice. - Yeah.

What about your mom? Where's your mom?

Uh... My mom and I had sort of, um --

sort of an up-and-down relationship -- mostly down, I

guess. She left my dad for someone else

who she thought was better and kind of stopped talking to me in

the process. Just sort of -- sort of cut us

off.

So, you guys... Don't talk at all anymore?

Um, no. I-i got a card in the mail about

three years ago. No, four, actually, now.

God. Yeah, it was from her new husband, and it just said that

she'd -- she'd passed away. But, you know, we hadn't talked

in like five years, so it was -- it was -- it was actually --

wasn't as bad as it could have been.

I-I'm -- I-i kind of hate talking about this stuff.

Yeah, no. Um... We don't have to talk about

it.

I'm so sorry. - No, no. It's okay.

It's all right. I'm just -- I'm just stoned, and

it's a lot. [Chuckles softly]

I love this stuff, though, you know?

[Chuckles softly] - I think we are who we are

when we're with the people that make us feel the most alive.

I don't know. I feel very alive right now.

[Chuckles softly]

[Sniffles] I-i-i can't -- I can't decide

which is better -- the fact that it's minus 20 degrees out or the

millions of twigs jabbing me in the ass right now.

[Laughs] I know! I have, like, a root

jabbing me. [Both laugh]

I'll jab you the root. Sorry.

That's -- that's too bad, 'cause I really love dirty

nature double entendres. - Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm. - Try saying that 10 times

fast. Dirty nature double entendres.

Dirty nature double entendres. Dirty nature double entendres.

It can't be done.

It's impossible.

Dirty... Nature...

Double...

Entendres.

I think I can feel that root you were talking about.

It's here. It's growing.

[Laughs]

Really? - Hey.

Hey. - I think -- I think we're good

to go. - Yeah, we're good.

Hey, um... I got to go out -- get the rest

of the stuff.

Okay.

I told her about my mother last night.

Such an idiot. Guarantee she's putting the

pieces together. - I don't know. She seems down.

Yeah. El, she's down with the fake me.

It's fucking stupid. I should never have done this.

Well, I don't know. I think you're pretty awesome.

You just seem -- mnh-mnh-mnh. Mnh.

You just need to -- to be totally honest with you right

now...

Yeah?

What?

Are you driving? - Not... At the moment.

I was about to. - Give me the keys.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Cellphone vibrating]

Hello? - Hey, I love it, my man.

I love where this thing is going.

You do? - Yeah.

That's -- that's great. Uh... I'm -- I'm -- I'm really

glad you're into it. - I'm more than into it.

You got my elegant wife and this pack of whores she runs with

cunt-bumping over this thing. - Oh. That's... Awful.

Yeah, trust me -- no one's ever gonna call you a hack

writer again. - Okay, wait.

Alan, who keeps -- - sorry.

I got another call coming in. I have to jump, okay?

I love you. - Ok-- love... You, too.

Bobby!

Was that birdie? - What? Uh, no.

Uh... It was Alan. - Oh.

You got to help me come up with a date for birdie.

I've gone through everything on the page.

She hasn't updated it in weeks. I need something.

So, why don't you go somewhere where you want to go

for a change -- you know, something from your profile?

Yeah, but it's got to be up her alley.

You're up her alley, douche. Well, how 'bout that prop-shop

place you love? - Go there on a date?

What would we do? - Uh, shop, talk, not be

obsessed with being someone else.

I don't know. I have no idea if she'd be into

that kind of stuff. It seems incredibly risky.

Oh, man. Nope. Got to stick to the plan.

Ooh! - Oh, boy.

It's all coming back to you, right?

Oh, yeah. It's like riding a bike -- a

really steep, difficult bike. - [Laughs]

[Intro to black Mountain's "stay free" plays]

Oh, Jesus. - ♪ and there comes a time

♪ when you, when you... - What the heck is that?

[Music continues] Fuck!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. [Laughing]

♪ Well, it's stormy outside ♪ so quit, so quit all that

runnin' ♪

♪ Oh, the sweat in your pores

♪ oh, stay free - switch seats.

Why?

Aah! [Giggles]

[Chuckles nervously]

Fess Parker?

Sorry.

I'm sorry it's raining. - [Laughing] Well, it's okay.

It's not entirely your fault. - Heh. Yeah.

I'm excited, though. This seems really cool.

Well, don't get too excited. I mean, I like it, but, you

know, to each his own.

So, they're props -- these are all props from movies.

This is so cool! I love it!

I feel like a kid in here! I just want to play with

everything! - Right? That's the point, and

you can.

Yes. I'm gonna wear this to the Kentucky derby.

It's -- I don't know if you're even doing a joke 'cause

it's actually nice on you. I'm gonna wear this to

something. - [Laughs]

[Gasps] Oh, my God, look. This is perfect.

Oh, my God. - Look. Yes.

Ohh. - [Gasps] It's so good.

Ah, it brings me back. It's crazy.

[Chuckles] - It brings you back?

To what -- your tour of duty in Iwo Jima?

[Laughing] Yeah.

No, what does it remind you of, though, seriously?

Oh... Nothing. Nothing. - Oh, come on. I want to know.

It's not even like I'm, like, holding out with some great

thing. - Okay, so tell me.

It's not a big deal. - I was in the boy scouts.

I was a boy scout. - Oh, that's so cute!

Oh, God. Why wouldn't you want to tell me

that? That's adorable!

Did your parents make you do it as a kid?

Sort of. You know, you can -- people

don't know this, but you can be in the boy scouts till you're

18. It's not just, like, little --

were you in the boy scouts till you were 18?

Yeah. I wasn't as into -- I was really more into it -- I

know. See, it's not cute.

No, it's so good. Wait. Please tell me you still

have the uniform. - Well, yeah.

Sadly, I think it probably fits me.

Okay. Well, you're gonna have to wear this for me at some

point, because I actually find that really sexy.

You do? - I do.

It's weird, but I'm serious. - Really?

Everyone's allowed, like, a nerdy skeleton in their closet.

Oh, yeah? Well, just one? - Actually, no.

You're allowed a whole closetful of nerd skeletons.

Well, I would -- I would -- I would need an industrial-size

walk-in closet, then... - Oh, really?

...for all my nerdy skeletons.

Give me another, uh -- give me another example, then.

No. - A really nerdy one.

I mean, there are just so many.

No, I'm serious, really. Just one more.

I feel like one nerdy skeleton a day revealed is --

no. No, I definitely -- the nerdier, the sexier.

You know that, right? - Okay. Well, in that case,

uh... I was in a band. - That's not that nerdy.

That's cool -- unless you're like a new kid on the block.

[Laughing] Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I was the lost Wahlberg brother. - I knew it!

I'm Wally Wahlberg! - You look so much alike.

Right? I get that all the time, mostly

in the ab region. - No, really, what did you do?

Did you play guitar or something?

Uh... Oh, man. - What did you do?

I-I did bass. - You did bass?

Mm-hmm. - That's either an expression

I've never heard or something's going on here.

Well, I -- yeah, I mean, if you consider the voice an

instrument, I played. - Were there any actual

instruments in this band?

No, ma'am. - This is an a cappella group,

isn't it? - Nope.

You were in an a cappella group.

In an a cappella band, yes. I was in an a cappella band.

I can't believe you were in a a cappella group and you didn't

tell me. - Well, why --

[laughing] Why would I tell you that?

Because it's awesome and we could have harmonized.

This is -- is not so awesome. There were as many women in this

band as there were instruments. - It was an all-male a cappella

group? - It was an all-male a cappella

group. - Oh, my God.

Yes, ma'am. It was a man band, so get it

straight. - Oh, there's nothing...

Straight about it. [Both laugh]

♪ There is to find, for I don't know ♪

♪ It's my first time

[people shouting in distance]

I'm out of here. Go fuck yourself, eliot!

[Door slams] - What was that?

She saw all of it, man -- Jamie Lee Curtis,

Kathleen Turner, christie Brinkley.

Wait. Kathleen Turner? Really?

Dude... - I'm sorry.

Wait. Hold on. Hold on.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?

She... Gave me an ultimatum. [Chuckles]

Either the file goes or she goes, so she went.

Wait a second. Uh... You're talking about a

bunch of photos of old celebrities that you jerk off to

and your girlfriend, and you picked the photos?

Just because I'm keeping the file doesn't mean that I love

her any less. - Why not just do whatever

makes her happy? Or if you got to keep them, just

lie to her and say you threw them out.

It's not just about the stupid fucking pictures!

I don't even -- I don't care. It's just how much of myself, of

what makes me who I am, can I just erase or throw out?

Fuck it. I'm sorry for waking you up.

It's okay.

[Mid-tempo music plays] - So, I have a surprise for the

recital next Friday. - Oh, yeah?

Yep. - Full of surprises.

Uh, my parents are coming. - Whoa!

Yeah. - That's crazy.

They're really nice, they're really mellow, so it's no

pressure at all. - Okay.

[Music continues]

Do you, um -- do you want to come upstairs for a nightcap?

A nightcap? [Laughing] What year is this?

Shut up. I assumed that you knew that

"nightcap" is a euphemism for sexy time.

Uh, no. No. I never heard that.

Um, I'd love to come up and nightcap you, but, um, I don't

think the Indian food and the dance moves are really joining

in perfect harmony. - I'm so sorry.

It's okay. - Ohh. Well, yeah.

Um, just get some rest and call me if you need anything.

I will. I will. - You don't look good.

I'll be okay. - Well, tonight was really

nice. - Yeah.

I've learned that to be with those I like is enough.

[Chuckles]

It's -- it's Walt Whitman. - Yeah, I know.

What?

Nothing. [Chuckles] - No, what?

Uh... I think, um...

I think I'm... Falling in love with you.

[Chuckles softly]

Birdie, you're -- you're

amazing.

Good night.

Good night.

Holy shit. She said she loved me.

Can you believe that? How could she possibly say that

and mean it? She loves me?

And she wants me to meet her parents on Friday.

El, she doesn't even know me -- this girl.

Oh, man. I am -- I am eating ice cream in

the middle of winter. I'm quoting Whitman randomly.

If she thinks this is who I am, she's in for a rude awakening.

That's all I can say. I, uh -- I got to write a little

bit, but if you need me, I'll be in my room.

Oh, how am I doing? Oh, thanks so much for asking.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Cellphone rings]

Oh.

Hello? - Morning, sunshine.

Alan, hey. What time is it?

Listen, it's early, but I couldn't wait.

I got those pages you e-mailed me.

Oh, yeah? You like? - I likey very much.

I likey long time. That's why I'm calling.

I'm calling to see if we can get a pitch session set together to

come up with the ending and go over some ideas for it.

Let's say next Friday at 6:00? - Actually, you know, I-got

this dance-recital thing. - [Laughs]

That's a good one. But, seriously, how's Friday

gonna be -- next Friday? - Uh, yeah, sure.

That'll work. - All right. It's on.

I'm excited. That's great. So, what are you doing tonight?

I'd like to get my guy a beer. - You know, Alan, I can't.

My -- this girl I've been seeing -- she's got this

surprise planned for us. - All right.

Listen, I got to go. I got to get back to writing,

but I'll see you next Friday. - Okay. I'm psyched up.

I love you, pal. - I love... You, too.

Triple x's, triple o's. - You, too.

[Sighs] [Grunts]

I'm so excited. - Me, too.

Um, all right. Now you have to close your eyes

till I tell you to open them. - Really?

Yeah. - Okay.

I might need some help. - Yeah. I'll lead you.

Okay. Sorry. - Already.

Here we go. Walk straight. [Mid-tempo music plays]

Okay. All right. Open 'em.

Okay. Wow.

Isn't this awesome? My friend works here.

I had to promise my first-born child to get the keys,

but... What do you think?

Those are Andrew Wyeths. - I know.

He's my favorite artist. - Yeah, I know.

Really? - Yeah.

You know who mine is? - No.

I don't have one. [Chuckles]

Uh... Do you want some bourbon?

No, I'm good. - Really? Just a toast?

To what? - I don't know. To us?

Do you have anything besides bourbon?

No, no. This is all I have. - Ahh.

Yeah, no. I'm good.

It's crazy. My mom used to wear her hair in

braids just like this.

They call these the Helga paintings.

Andrew's wife walked into his studio one day and found like

240 paintings of this other woman.

Turns out it was their next-door neighbor Helga.

Well, life's a bitch. [Sighs]

God, I wish I could paint like that.

I bet you could. You're so talented.

[Laughing] Oh, okay.

Are you, uh -- are you hungry?

You want some food?

I just ate. It's okay.

Sam, what's going on?

What do you mean? - Do you want to be here right

now? - What are you talking about?

Okay, I'm -- I'm just starting to feel like some

annoying girl you just met that you're trying to get rid of.

I-I-i have a lot of shit on my mind, is all, but I'm making

a lot of headway with my writing.

Really good stuff. - "Teen vampire 2"?

[Chuckles] [Chuckles]

Is that what you think? You think I'm a hack writer,

don't you? - No. No, no. God.

No, that's not what I meant. - It's all right.

I get it.

You know, I-i kind of prefer this to the Wyeths.

Is this because I-i told you that I -- you know, about what I

said the other night? - Come on.

I see what's going on here. It's a little weird, don't you

think? I mean, you invite me to this

private viewing of your favorite artist's painting with your

favorite liquor and your favorite bread and your favorite

cheese. - If you're not into it, we

don't have to -- - no, no, no. I get it, okay?

I'm meat loaf, and you want fucking filet mignon.

What are you even talking about?

I'm exhausted! The rock climbing, the guitar,

and the cooking! - The cooking?

I'm just trying to keep up with you, birdie, and it's not

easy. - Okay, no.

I don't want you to keep up with me, okay?

None of that stuff's important to me.

Can I tell you something? Honestly, I think you're better

off with someone else. Like Tony -- outgoing, talented,

worldly. He's perfect for you.

What?! No. Tony is my friend, okay?

Dating the guy was a complete nightmare.

You're being ridiculous. - Am I really?

Who's my favorite author? - I don't -- I don't know.

Carlos castaneda? - No.

What's my favorite dessert? - [Scoffs] I don't know.

Why don't you tell me? - See, don't you think it's

strange that you don't know those things?

Uh, no. Honestly, no.

There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me, either.

But what's the point? We are so different.

There's too much -- I barely traveled, and you're

like a fucking peace corps veteran.

I don't even know -- - what do you see in me? Huh?

And what's to say you won't just take off and leave whenever you

want? That is kind of your philosophy,

right? When life gives you something

better, you just -- you take off.

Right?

That's what you think? You think I'm just waiting

around till something better comes along?

Well, I don't know. You tell me.

That was the first time... I've ever told a guy that I love

him.

Do you know how shitty it was for me to get that response from

you? - So, why are you here?

Because... Idiot... I like you...

Whether you choose to believe it or not.

So, if you don't think that I know you because I don't know

what your fucking favorite dessert is, then please tell me

so I can stop imagining that this might actually go

somewhere.

♪ One more drink 'fore I split town, pulled up in a

rose-pink Cadillac ♪ ♪ he was singing with the top

down "girl from the north," Dylan and Johnny cash ♪

♪ He won the car in a card game, listened to the boss, and keeps

his clothes in a gunny sack ♪ ♪ she said, "tell you what",

sailor, if you take me out of here, I'll do anything that you

ask ♪ ♪ 'cause I don't wanna die like

the people down here, but I feel

that I'm fading fast" ♪

♪ And he looked over to her Chestnut hair and said, "I don't"

"believe in love" ♪ ♪ but he knew good and well she

was the only girl there, so he figured it was close enough ♪

Hey! Hey! Hold it! Hold it! Fuck! Hey!

Thank you.

Hi. How are you? I have an -- - there he is.

Alan. - The writing machine.

Hey. - How you doing?

Good. - I'm surprised you got any

blood in those fingers after all the writing you've been doing.

Yeah. - Get yourself in here.

Okay. - You know my partner, Scott.

Yes. We spoke on the phone. - How are you?

So nice to meet you. - Yeah. Welcome. Sit down.

Like the man bag. - Oh, thanks, Alan.

I like what it says about you.

Yeah? - Hope there's a couple more

gems in that one. - Well, me, too.

Help yourself to a pastry, a little fruit.

No, thank you. - Why don't you knock out a

cantaloupe? You've been writing, cooped up.

It's got some micronutrients in it.

Knock a cantaloupe out. - Okay.

Yeah. Pop it in there. Eat it.

Okay. So, as an overall, general note, the

stream-of-consciousness narration's working great.

Great. - It is very clear that this

guy is beyond lost and has no clue how to navigate his own

actions. - Uh...

And what I like is he doesn't understand how the real world

works... - Right.

...and he's too afraid to show himself to the real world,

and these are the seeds of his own undoing.

Oh, I don't -- - he's a child.

He's wandering alone in the woods -- right? -- Lost in the

ether of his own neuroses. And this is powerful stuff.

Yeah. He's saying you wrote the perfect pussy.

The perfect pussy? - Yeah, the perfect pussy.

Now, around chapter 12 -- and I'm sorry to interrupt -- but

it's at this point in the story that it's pretty obvious that I

completely side with the girl. - See, for me, it's more around

11 or 10. - With the girl?

Are you kidding? - Well, I think what you do is

great 'cause you have a protagonist, and then you, like

a relay race, hand off the Baton and say, "now we're gonna root"

for this girl." And I think you do it in a way

that's elegant but, at the same time, not subtle.

Yeah, and if I may, like, how do you not love her?

And he is such a spineless, pathetic --

he's a eunuch, is what he is. - That's exactly --

I don't mean it literally, 'cause, clearly, they have --

there's scenes between them that we know what we're talking

about, but he's a eunuch in more ways than one.

I, uh -- - so, the point is --

do you feel what I'm saying, though?

I do. So, okay.

How would this metaphorical eunuch be redeemable in her

eyes? - Hold on, guys.

All due respect, this was not my intention when I wrote the story

at all. This was not what I was going

for. - Come again.

Well, I mean, she's so carried away with this whole

thing. She's the one that puts pressure

on it. She -- she makes it heavy.

No. - How can you say that?

There's no real connection between them.

It's not his fault. - They were in love.

He just wasn't cognizant enough to see it.

Exactly, and now all she can do is accept the fact that he's

completely inept. - That's right. He had it.

He lost it because he suffocated her with his own fear.

In the end, I mean, it's obvious that it can only be one

thing, and that's that he's destined to be alone.

It's really honest, and it's really simple.

Uh-huh. He's cut everyone out.

He's gonna continue to do that. He's gonna get over his issues

with his mom and all that stuff. - He's gonna spend the rest of

his life crippled by the fact that he wasn't able to show her

love. And if he did wake up, it would

be a lot of substances and a lot of years later.

Mm-hmm. - And at that point, she would

have banged half of Manhattan, so he wouldn't want her anyway,

so romance or no romance, it's -- it's over with.

Yeah.

[Tango music playing]

That was insane! Mercedes and Roberto!

[Applause] [Mid-tempo music plays]

Hey! Taxi!

You better hang on to your oxygen tanks, ladies and

gentlemen, because up next, we have Henry and Harriet.

[Applause]

[Music continues]

Cookie and Fritz, everybody! Cookie and Fritz!

One more time! We only have a few couples left.

On deck, the lovely birdie and her companion, the delectable

Raymond. But first, Earl and Sally, or,

as they're known collectively, wow factor.

[Music continues]

What are you guys doing here? - What are you doing here?

We came to watch birdie dance.

Where is she? - She's over there.

She's about to go on. - Okay. Um...

Give me your stuff. Give me your stuff.

Okay. - Get yourself together.

Oh, my God. You look crazy. - Huh? Oh, shoot.

Okay. Good? - Get in there.

How are you guys doing? - We're -- we're great.

Yeah. - We're compromising.

Compromisers. - That's great.

That's so good. - Get in there.

All right. Okay.

Birdie. Hi.

Hi. - You look amazing.

Where -- where are your parents? - Um, I-i called them off.

I didn't think you were coming. - Great. Sorry.

Uh, can we go somewhere for a second and just talk?

I-I need to...

We can talk right here.

I love you. - Oh, Sam, you -- you don't

have to -- - I know. I know.

But I-i-i do. I am in love with you.

I love you so much. It feels really good to say.

I'm sorry I didn't say it the other day, but I didn't know if

I knew in the right way, but now I know that I knew in every way.

I knew it. I know it, you know? Does that make any sense?

[Voice breaking] Not really.

Okay, wait. Um... The guy that you fell in love

with -- - you.

No, the guy who, like, plays guitar and likes pedicures and,

uh, is thinking about getting a tattoo -- that's not entirely

who I am. I... Based all that on your

Facebook page because I-i wanted to be your ideal guy.

[Sniffles] I know.

What? - I know.

You're not exactly the most subtle guy in the world, Sam.

You knew the whole time? - Yeah.

"The origin of species"? Come on.

I'm sorry. I-i didn't want to put myself

out there and not have a connection.

I was so afraid. But it's there.

It's been there the whole time.

Can we please start over, birdie?

♪ With every passing day no.

But we can pick up where we left off.

[Sighs] Oh, thank you.

I can't believe you knew about the profile thing and you didn't

tell me. - Yeah. I even -- I even

started putting stuff on there just to see if you would do it.

Are you kidding? - No. Like the rock climbing?

What? That was the worst! - That was the worst!

You're the worst! Hey, can I tell you something

now? I should come clean with this.

I was actually making up the whole male-a-cappella-group

thing. - Mm. Nice try.

[Chuckles]

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a change in the

roster this evening. Scratch Raymond.

[Inhales sharply] - This dance will be birdie

and... Whoever you are.

May I have this dance? - Yes.

What the fuck?! - Oh, Raymond, I'm so sorry.

Let me explain. My girlfriend didn't know I was

coming to this thing 'cause I'm kind of a jackass.

You better watch out. If you ever leave her side

again, I'm swooping in!

Don't worry about that.

["Excuses' plays]"

So... Did you finish your book?

Almost. But I think the ending's about

to change. - ♪ you tried to taste me

♪ and I taped my tongue to the Southern tip of your body ♪

♪ But bones are too heavy to come up ♪

♪ Squished into a single cell of wood ♪

♪ Woo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d ♪ woo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d

♪ and I made an excuse ♪ and you found another way to

tell the truth ♪ ♪ I put no one else above us

♪ we'll still be best friends when all turns to dust ♪

♪ Du-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-st ♪ du-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-st

♪ dum du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum - ♪ da-da-da da-da

♪ du-du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ da-da-da da-da - ♪ du-du-dum

♪ da da da da da-da-da da - ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum - ♪ da-da-da da-da

♪ du-du-dum - ♪ da da da da da-da-da da

♪ du-dum, du-dum ♪ du-du-du-du-du-du-du-dum

♪ we are so smooth now - ♪ da-da-da da-da da da

♪ our edges are beaten driftwood whittled down ♪

♪ Da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ old bodies slip when they

make love ♪ - ♪ da-da-da da-da da da

♪ we'll mine our sparks to shoot us above ♪

♪ Da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ abo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve

♪ da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ abo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve

♪ da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ abo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve

♪ da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ abo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve

♪ da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ abo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve

♪ da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ da-da-da da-da da da - ♪ du-dum

♪ du-dum ♪ du-dum

♪ da-da-da da-da da da

[instrumental break]

[Music fades] [Men vocalizing]

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ doo-doo-bop

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ dun-dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ new love is a-coming ♪ wine and roses all the way

♪ little girl, stop crying ♪ I will take your blues away

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'm in love with you

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'll be true to you

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ doo-doo-bop

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ um-bum-bum-bum-bum

♪ new love is a-coming ♪ kiss me, honey, wear my ring

♪ you know I've been smiling ♪ pleasantries are on the wing

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'm in love with you

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'll be true to you

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ doo-doo-bop

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ um-bum-bum-bum-bum

♪ new love is a-coming ♪ kiss me, honey, wear my ring

♪ you know I've been smiling ♪ pleasantries are on the wing

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'm in love with you

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'll be true to you

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ doo-doo-bop

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ um-bum-bum-bum-bum

♪ new love is a-coming ♪ wine and roses all the way

♪ little girl, stop crying ♪ I will take your blues away

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'm in love with you

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪ I'll be true to you

♪ dun dun dun dun dun-dun-dun dun dun ♪

♪ Dun dun dun dun dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ doo-doo-wop

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ live it up