Original subtitles

[reel whirring, ♪]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

YOU ARE A VERY SAD MAN, MR. KENT.

HAH HAH! NOTHING GETS ME DOWN, SUGAR.

PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE ICE.

NEXT TO MINE. -JUST A SECOND.

STAND BEHIND ME FOR MORAL SUPPORT.

MY OTHER POCKET'S LONELY.

LET 'ER RIP.

KEEP MOVING YOUR HANDS UNTIL YOU FEEL SOMETHING.

OH, SHE'S A WISE OLD WOMAN.

LOOK INTO THE ICE.

I'M LOOKING.

CLOSER.

LOOK INTO YOUR SOUL, MR. KENT.

[slow trumpet solo]

[indistinct opera song]

AS YOUR WISE OLD FINGERS WILL TELL YOU,

I DIDN'T CRY AT MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL AND I DON'T CRY NOW.

LOOK TO YOUR OWN MISERIES, MR. KENT,

OTHERWISE YOU ARE A DEAD MAN.

NARCISSA DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER NICKEL?

GIVE HER A TIP.

A DEAD MAN!

DEAD!

SEE HOW MUCH HAPPINESS YOUR MONEY CAN BUY!

HAH, HAH, HAH!

NOW, WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO TAKE ME THERE?

WELL, WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, MY TAPEWORM SAID "FORTUNE TELLER"

AND THAT SETTLED IT.

I NEVER GO AGAINST MY TAPEWORM.

HAH, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS TAPEWORM OF YOURS.

MOST TAPEWORMS ARE CHEWERS, NOT TALKERS.

OH YES. HE'S GOT A VERY STRONG WILL. HE'S IRRESISTIBLE.

I'M COLD.

LET'S TAKE A STREETCAR.

WE CAN'T PAY.

[STREETCAR BELL CLANGS] IT'S THE TWENTY-THREE.

WE WON'T HAVE TO.

ARE YOU AN AMERICAN?

I'M NOT AN AMERICAN.

I'M A NYMPHOMANIAC.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN, YOU CAN BE WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

WELL, HE'S AN AMERICAN.

YOU'RE MISTAKEN.

HE MAY HAVE THE STINK OF AMERICA ON HIM,

BUT I ASSURE YOU, HE'S CANADIAN 100 PER CENT.

YOU LIED TO ME? -NO.

IT'S LIKE I SAID, I'M A PRODUCER FROM NEW YORK.

JUST DOWN ON HIS LUCK.

A REAL LIVE YANKEE DOODLE BOY.

THEN YOU'RE NO SON OF MINE.

MUSKEG BEER HALL.

END OF THE LINE.

[♪]

♪ GET UP, GET YOUR BOOTS ON.

♪ HURRY UP, HURRY UP.

♪ TIME'S A-WASTIN'

[♪]

♪ LADY PORT-HUNTLY BEEEEEER; ♪

♪ IT'S FOR ME AND FOR YOU

♪ IT'S FOR ME AND FOR YOU

THE MUSKEG BEER HOUR IS STILL GUSHING!

I'M DUNCAN ELLSWORTH, YOUR CLASSICAL MUSIC HOST.

AND I'VE GOT MAJOR KEY NEWS FOR YOU.

A CONTEST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE MOST EXCITING IN OUR HISTORY.

WANT TO TRADE YOUR SORROWS IN FOR SOME SPONDOOLICKS?

HERE TO EXPLAIN HOW, IS HER SERENITY HERSELF,

LADY PORT-HUNTLY.

THANK YOU, DUNCAN.

LISTEN TO THE SOUNDS OF WINNIPEG,

THE WHITE BREATHING OF A NOCTURNAL CITY

IN THIS SAD, SAD WORLD.

WE AT MUSKEG BEER ARE PROUD THAT WINNIPEG HAS BEEN CHOSEN

FOUR YEARS IN A ROW BY THE LONDON TIMES AS THE WORLD'S

CAPITAL OF SORROW IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION.

IN RECOGNITION OF THIS HONOR,

WE WILL BE HOSTING A WORLDWIDE CONTEST TO DETERMINE

WHICH NATION'S MUSIC TRULY DESERVES TO BE CALLED

THE SADDEST IN THE WORLD.

ASPIRING VIRTUOSOS OF TEARFUL MELODY ARE WELCOME

TO TRAVEL HERE AND LAY CLAIM TO THE JEWEL-STUDDED

CROWN OF FROZEN TEARS

AND $25,000 IN PRIZE MONEY.

THAT'S RIGHT- 25,000 DEPRESSION-ERA DOLLARS!

I CAN ALREADY SEE THAT RETURN TICKET TO MANHATTAN.

C'MON LET'S DRINK FAST.

I GOT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO.

THE LADY PORT HUNTLY'S SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD CONTEST!

AND THEY'RE OFF!

[♪]

[♪]

WHAT DO WE REALLY GET FOR OUR MONEY?

LISTEN.

WITHIN A FEW MONTHS CONGRESS WILL END PROHIBITION AND

AMERICA WILL BE SAYING GOODBYE TO BOOTLEGGERS AND BE RUNNING -

AND I MEAN RUNNING- BACK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S BAR.

IMAGINE!

A HUNDRED MILLION DRINKERS WILLING TO PAY TOP DOLLARS FOR LEGAL BOOZE

EVEN IF THEY CAN'T MAKE THE RENT OR BUY THEIR CHILDREN SHOES.

WE -- CANADA - THAT HAPPY SUDS BUDDY TO THE NORTH-

OPEN THE FLOODGATES AND MAKES A KILLING.

IF YOU'RE SAD AND LIKE BEER, I'M YOUR LADY.

HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE YOURSELF SCARCE FOR A WHILE.

BUT WAIT, DON'T DISAPPEAR ON ME.

HOW LONG WILL YOU BE?

IF I'M NOT THROWN OUT, UNDER HALF AN HOUR.

I'LL JUST CURL UP HERE AND TAKE A NAP.

WE WILL BE GOING FOR COUNTRIES WITH THE HIGHEST RATE OF DEPRESSION

CAUSE THIS IS WHAT THEY WILL BE BEEN DRINKING MOST.

EXCUSE ME FOR INTERRUPTING.

BUT SOMEBODY CALLING HIMSELF THE AMERICAN AMBASSADOR OF SADNESS

SAYS THAT YOU WISH TO SEE HIM IMMEDIATELY.

HE CAN TAKE A SEAT IN THE WAITING ROOM, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

HE REFUSES TO WAIT.

HE SAID IF I DIDN'T ANNOUNCE HIM INSTANTLY,

YOU'D HAVE ME FIRED.

HOOO, HAH.

AND WHAT DOES THIS BUFFOON LOOK LIKE?

HMMM. WELL TAILORED. WEARS SPATS.

CLEAN FINGERNAILS. CLEAN SHAVEN.

SPATS?

WOULD YOU CALL HIS HAIR SLIPPERY?

HHHHH. CHESTER KENT.

OK EVERYBODY. FIFTEEN MINUTES.

TEDDY, STAY HERE.

LADY P.

HAD A FEW HOURS BETWEEN TRAINS -- THOUGHT I'D DROP IN.

FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

WELL.

TO SEE HOW YOU'RE GETTING ON.

IT'S A BAD TIME FOR ME.

I'M DEVOURED WITH GUILT ABOUT THE OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY I'M MAKING

AT A TIME WHERE SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING.

I'M SURE YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN.

AND I AM HEARTSICK ABOUT POOR TEDDY OVER HERE,

WHO HAS A WONDERFUL WIFE AND TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

AND HAS TO MAKE ME "SING IN THE SEESAW"

WHENEVER I ASKED HIM,

JUST TO KEEP HIS JOB.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED TEDDY.

IDEALISM AND BUSINESS RARELY MIX.

MAY I?

BUT I CONSOLE MYSELF WITH THE THOUGHT, CHESTER,

THAT IF I HADN'T MET YOU I MIGHT NEVER HAVE DONE ANYTHING

TO BE ASHAMED OF.

WHY BOTHER WITH SHAME AT ALL, IS MY PHILOSOPHY.

LOOK AT THE PICTURES ON THE WALL.

LOOK AT THEM!

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?

YOU'RE EVERYWHERE.

I'D SAY YOU QUALIFY AS THE STAR OF YOUR OWN LIFE.

[SLAMS PIANO]

WHEN I HAD A LIFE; THAT WAS TRUE.

YOU'VE GOT A NEW DOLLY - IT'S NICE.

TEDDY, HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHERE MY LEGS WENT?

HE'S BEEN A DEAR. HE HAS NEVER ASKED ONCE.

WELL, LET'S BE FAIR, HELEN.

YOU CAN ONLY HANG ONE OF THOSE MISSING LEGS ON ME.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM ME TODAY?

I WANT A CRACK AT THAT PRIZE MONEY.

OH, HA HA.

AND HOW DO YOU INTEND TO DO THAT?

BY SERVING UP THE SADDEST NUMBER YOU EVER HEARD.

I'VE GOT SCHMALTZ ROUTINES THAT COULD WRING SOBS FROM A MOOSE.

REALLY? AND YOU WOULD BE REPRESENTING AMERICA, RIGHT?

YEAH. TEARS HELEN!

FOR ALL THOSE BLUBBERERS IN THE OLD MELTING POT.

CHESTER I DOUBT THAT THERE IS ANYONE ON EARTH WHO KNOWS

LESS ABOUT GRIEF THAN YOU DO.

NOTHING MAKES A DENT.

SADNESS IS JUST HAPPINESS TURNED ON ITS ASS.

IT'S ALL SHOW BIZ.

YOU GOT AN ORCHESTRA HANDY, I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

ACTUALLY, I DO. -GREAT. HAUL 'EM IN HERE.

TEDDY! THE ORCHESTRA.

THEY'RE VERY GENTEEL.

THEY PLAY BLINDFOLDED.

A NOVELTY ACT, HUH?

WHAT'S THE KICKER?

WHEN TEDDY AND I "SING ON THE SEESAW," THEY PLAY.

THAT'S A HARD ACT TO FOLLOW.

OH, YOUR AUDITION WILL BE MUCH SIMPLER.

I WANT YOU TO TELL ABOUT MY "ACCIDENT",

IF YOU CAN STILL REMEMBER IT.

TEDDY.

NO TEDDY. YOU'VE BEEN SPARED TODAY. GO BACK.

START THE MUSIC.

PLAY NOT TOO FAST, AND WITH FEELING.

[♪]

SO WHERE DO I START?

WHY DON'T YOU START WITH YOUR FATHER AND END WITH HIM.

FULL CIRCLE.

WELL.

HE WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU, BUT THERE WAS A PROBLEM.

YOU LOVED ME.

YES, AND YOU NEVER LOVED ME.

YES, I SEE IT.

SO LONG AGO.

FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.

WELL, I WAS FLATTERED.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.

HE SUSPECTED ME.

HE HAD GOOD REASON TO.

RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE.

EVERY CHANCE WE GOT.

WE DROVE HIM TO DRINK.

HE WANTED TO MARRY YOU.

HE THOUGHT HIMSELF A CUCKOLD.

BY YOU.

OH YES, I SEE IT.

♪ SO LONG AGO.

♪ IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.

HE STARTED WEARING HIS OLD UNIFORM.

CANADIAN LIEUTENANT.

THE GREAT WAR.

MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS, LATE INTO THE NIGHT, WITH HIS RIFLE.

DRUNK. -YOUR BROTHER, RODERICK, TRYING TO HEAL HIM WITH MUSIC.

THE DAY OF THE CAR TRIP.

THE ICE STORM.

THE EMPTY ROAD.

EXCEPT FOR HIM. TRYING TO STOP THE CAR.

YEAH HIS WAS HAND OUT.

AND THERE WAS YOUR HEAD.

LIFTING UP, BLOCKING MY VIEW.

[SOUND OF SCREECHING TIRES]

OH, YES. I SEE IT. -YEAH, I SEE IT.

[TOGETHER] SO LONG AGO. FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.

AH, JESUS DAD! WHAT DO WE DO?

GET MY BAG.

HER LEG'S STUCK. WE'VE GOT TO GET IT LOOSE!

NAH YOU'LL TEAR IT COMPLETELY OFF, YOU IDIOT.

DO AS I SAY.

I'M THE DOCTOR HERE.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

MY BAG!

I'M GOING TO SAVE THE WOMAN I LOVE.

DO YOU HEAR ME? THE WOMAN I LOVE!

WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED!

PLEASE, AH, AHHH, PLEASE DO SOMETHING.

HELP ME.

MMMM, HMMMM.

NOW, WE'VE GOT TO OCCUPATE, UM, AMPUTATE.

DAD, YOU'D BETTER LET ME HELP. -OUT OF MY WAY.

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

THERE LOVE.

NOW THERE'S A PUZZLE.

STEADY, WOOOO, STEADY, STEADY, STEADY.

AHHHH.

AHHH, AHHH, AHHH, AHHH!

THERE.

AHHH.

HEY! YOU'RE CUTTING THE WRONG LEG!

THERE, THERE.

DAD! YOU'RE THROUGH THE BONE ALREADY!

THAT'S HER GOOD LEG!

NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

STOP!

HAH!

HAH. AHHH.

NAH, HEEE, HOOO.

YOU, YOU, YOU.

OH MY, OH MY. AHHHH!

[SLAP]

HELLO, HELEN.

I'M HERE TO REPRESENT CANADA.

IF YOU'LL LET ME.

TAKE YOUR BLINDFOLDS OFF, GENTLEMEN.

PAY ATTENTION. THIS IS CANADA SPEAKING.

PLAY RED MAPLE LEAVES.

ON THE DOUBLE.

DON'T TELL ME YOU LIVE HERE AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT.

♪ JUST A RED MAPLE LEAF.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

ABOUT YOUR LEGS?

MMM.

PRETTY TOUGH BREAK.

DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU SAD?

WELL, LIFE'S FULL OF SURPRISES, HELEN.

TAKE AWAY THOSE SURPRISES, AND LIFE'S A PRETTY DULL PROPOSITION.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, POP?

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

SAME AS YOU. ONE LAST CRACK AT THE JACKPOT.

I WILL LOVE THIS WOMAN UNTIL MY DYING DAY.

LET ME SHOUT IT TO THE ROOFTOPS.

I EVEN BROUGHT HER SOMETHING.

STOP IT! NO BRIBES!

ALL RIGHT!

HERE'S AN ANGLE FOR YOU, HELEN.

AMERICA VERSUS CANADA.

A BRASH SON COMES HOME TO DUKE IT OUT MUSICALLY WITH HIS WAR-VET POP.

THE OLD MAN'S DROWNING IN HIS SORROWS,

THE SON WANTS NO PART OF THIS.

BUT IN ORDER TO WIN THE DOUGH THAT YANK'S GOT TO FIND HIS TEAR DUCTS IN A HURRY.

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING THERE.

OKAY, AMERICA. YOU'RE ON.

AND NOW WE SEE GAVRILO THE GREAT,

ONE OF THE GREATEST CELLISTS IN EUROPE.

NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN HIS FACE UNCOVERED

FOR HE WEARS UPON IT AT ALL TIMES

EVEN DURING PUBLIC PERFORMANCES,

A VEIL AS BLACK AS NIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT, MARY.

THEY SAY HE WEARS IT TO EXPRESS THE NATIONAL SADNESS OF SERBIA

WHOSE FAMED ASSASSIN, GAVRILO PRINCIP,

FIRED THE FIRST FATEFUL SHOTS OF THE GREAT WAR--

THE WAR TO END ALL WARS.

NINE MILLION KILLED, DUNCAN.

THAT SHOULD MAKE A MAN VERY SAD INDEED!

MMM, RODERICK?

RODERICK.

FATHER.

UMMM, OOOH!

C'MERE, GIVE YOUR FATHER A HUG. [LAUGH]

OOOH, AHHH, AHHHH

I'M SORRY IT'S JUST MY S-SKIN IS VERY SENSITIVE.

OH.

YOU LOOK WELL, FATHER.

OH, MY HEALTH IS GONE-- BUT I'M SOBER,

AND I PAY MY BILLS, AND I KEEP MY PANTS PRESSED HA HA!

WHERE'S CHESTER?

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

AHH I COULDN'T STAND ONE MORE SECOND WITH HIM TEN YEARS AGO--

WHY WOULD HE STOMACH ME NOW?

RODERICK!

I'D FORGOTTEN HOW BRIGHT THE LIGHT IS HERE.

DON'T MIND THESE GLASSES.

HOW CAN YOU SEE THOUGH THOSE?

IT'S LIKE I'M PAINTING THINGS JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM.

BUT WHERE'S CHESTER?

HE MUST BE AT THE MUSIC HALL.

THE OPENING PAGEANT IS SET FOR TONIGHT.

LET'S MARCH, MY BOY!

FATHER?

DID CHESTER EVER ADMIT TO STEALING MY MUSIC BOX?

THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO, SON!

CAN'T YOU EVER FORGET ANYTHING?

[♪]

[♪♪♪]

AHHH UGH! THERE WE ARE.

HERE WE ARE. [LAUGH]

OH THERE!

AH! HOME.

[SOUND OF LOVEMAKING]

GOOD LORD WHAT'S THAT?

UHHHH...

EH, CLOSE YOUR EARS. EXCUSE ME.

[YELLING] CHESTER!

YOUR BROTHER'S HERE-- COULD YOU SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR--

GUEST AND COME DOWN?

QUICKLY?

HAVE HER GO OUT BY THE BACK WAY!

CAN'T HAVE STRANGERS AT A HOMECOMING.

YOU DON'T PLAY ANY MORE.

OH YES, BUT ON MY KNEES. NO MORE DIGNITY.

"NO MORE DIGNITY," HUH?

FAMILY MOTTO.

HOW ARE YOU, RODERICK?

CHESTER! JUST THE WAY I ALWAYS PICTURE YOU!

THUNDERING DOWN THE STAIRS-- BURSTING INTO A ROOM [SNICKER]

EVEN IN BARE FEET YOU THUNDER.

YOU STILL SOUND LIKE YOUR MEWLING CELLO.

IN A NOISY HOUSE, SOMEONE MUST BE SOFT.

THIS ONE PLAYS THE GRACE NOTES.

EH?

WHICH REMINDS ME-- ALL THESE YEARS I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.

[CLEARS THROAT] I WAS WAITING FOR THIS DAY.

THERE WAS NO NEED FOR YOU TO DO THIS FATHER.

OHHH I REMEMBER TAKING IT OUT NIGHTS,

WHEN THE RATS WERE SCURRYING.

CARRYING IT OVER TO THE WINDOW AND CALLING YOUR NAME THROUGH IT

TO BRING YOU HOME.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY!

HA, HA, HA. WHAT ELSE'VE YOU GOT SQUIRRELED AWAY FOR HIM?

I KNITTED YOU A SWEATER.

ACTUALLY I MADE THREE.

ONE FOR Y-- YOU AND ONE FOR YOUR WIFE AND--

ONE FOR YOUR SON.

MY SKIN IS FAR TOO EXCITABLE FOR WOOL, I FEAR.

WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF WE TURN THAT LIGHT OFF?

YOU'RE STILL A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

TAKE THAT UP WITH MY PHYSICIAN, DR. LOURDES--

THE BEST DOCTOR IN GERMANY!

HIS OPINION, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, IS THAT I AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!

HAVE YOU HEARD NOTHING FROM YOUR WIFE?

NOT A SIGN, NOT A WORD-- NOT A SAUSAGE.

SHE JUST DISAPPEARED WHEN YOUR SON DIED?

IT WAS GRADUAL.

A SHIP GOING DOWN WITH ALL HER LIGHTS, AND BARELY A SOUND.

SHE FORGOT ABOUT LOVING ME.

SHE EVEN FORGOT ABOUT OUR SON.

WHAT'S THAT HISSING-- CAN SOMEBODY TURN IT OFF?

I THINK YOU HEAR A FAUCET RUNNING UPSTAIRS.

AHHH!

IS YOUR FRIEND STILL HERE?

SHE WENT OUT THE BACK.

WELL SOMEONE'S LEFT THE FAUCET ON!

NO MORE DEBATE-- JUST DEAL WITH IT!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DEAL WITH IT.

NOW DON'T HURT RODERICK!

OW.

LADY PORT-HUNTLY'S SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD OPENING PAGEANT

HAS BEGUN LEAD BY THE ZANIS OF AFRICA, RESPLENDENT!

IF I CAN FOCUS MY OPERA GLASSES FOR A MOMENT HERE-- YYYES!

RESPLENDENT IN THEIR DELIGHTFUL PAINTS AND SCARVES!

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!

THIS PAGEANT OF SAD NATIONS, BOUGHT TO US BY LADY PORT-HUNTLY'S BEER,

IS SHAPING UP TO BE A FRIGHTENING CONTEST OF HUMAN DESPAIR

A CAVALCADE OF MISERY. THERE'S POLAND, CHINA,

ALBANIAAAA!

SIAM, URUGUAY, MEXICO!

OH.

THAT WAS GOOD FUN NARCISSA.

I MUST TELL YOU MY DREAM.

YEAH WELL, HURRY COMPETITION'S ABOUT TO START.

A MAN WAS SHOWING ME HOW TO TAKE THE GUTS OUT OF A GOOSE.

HE STOOD ON THE WINGS AND PULLED THE BIRD'S LEGS. HARD.

IT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

EVERYTHING CAME LOOSE IN A WET HEAP EXCEPT FOR THE BREAST AND THE HEART.

HE PUT THE HEART IN MY HANDS IT WAS STILL BEATING,

VERY FAINTLY.

HEY MAYBE YOU CAN SING ABOUT THAT MAKE US SOME PRIZE MONEY.

AT THE VERY LAST MOMENT OF THE DREAM IT DIDN'T SEEM TO BE THE BIRD'S HEART I WAS HOLDING.

IT WAS SO SMALL. I DON'T KNOW WHOSE IT WAS.

THEN I WOKE UP.

WELL IT WAS TINY, AND COVERED WITH SLIME IT WAS PROBABLY MINE.

HA, HA, HA.

YOU REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL.

UNDERSTAND THIS: IF I DON'T GET SOME BACKING, FAST,

FOR A PRODUCTION NUMBER -- ONE WITH PLENTY OF SALT WATER DRESSING,

ONE OF THOSE FOREIGN ONION PEELERS DOWN THERE IS

GONNA SNATCH MY PRIZE MONEY.

C'MON,

LET'S GET CRACKING.

[CHEERING]

[♪]

NO ONE CAN BEAT THE SIAMESE WHEN IT COMES TO DIGNITY, CATS, OR TWINS,

BUT I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY THAT BEFORE NOW I'D NEVER

TAKEN SIAMESE SADNESS ALL THAT SERIOUSLY.

YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THE TYPHOON BEARING DOWN ON A DEFENSELESS

SEASIDE VILLAGE THROUGH THIS TORTURED FLUTE SOLO

THE FATAL DELUGE IS ANNOUNCED BY BIRDS.

THE PERFORMER HAS TAKEN THE TROUBLE TO PUT OUT THEIR EYES

SO THEY'LL HAVE A BIT MORE SOUL TO THEIR WARNING CHIRPS.

HMM IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS, MARY!

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

AND NOW THE MEXICANS TAKE THEIR FIRST TURN.

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

♪ [SPANISH SINGING]

THE SINGERS ARE GIVING US A SAD PEEK INTO CHILD BURIAL CUSTOMS

DOWN MEXICO WAY

THE MEXICAN MAMA IS BEING VERY FIRM WITH HER DEAD INFANT.

NOW GO AWAY, SHE WAILS.

YOU ARE DEAD.

DON'T SNEAK IN AT NIGHT TO NURSE MY BREAST.

THAT MILK IS ONLY FOR THE LIVING.

TO CANADIAN EARS, THAT MAY SOUND HARSH.

WELL, I GUESS DEAD CHILDREN, LIKE ANY OTHER KIND,

HAVE GOT TO LEARN.

[♪]

[CHEERING LOUDLY]

SHH!

[CHHERING LOUDLY]

THE MEXICANS NOW TAKE THEIR VICTORY BATH IN THE PORT-HUNTLY POND.

FOR THE MEXICANS, THIS IS A FIRST-TIME FULL IMMERSION IN BEER [LAUGH]

NO,

THEY DON'T SEEM VERY EXCITED.

SO FAR, NOBODY'S DRINKING.

GOD!

WE STILL GOT PROHIBITION,

AND THEY GOT SWIMMING POOLS FULL OF BEER UP THERE IN CANADA!

WHY AIN'T THEY DRINKIN', ED?

MEXICANS AIN'T USED TO WINNING.

NOT SINCE THE ALAMO.

THEY SMELL A RAT.

IF I GOT THAT LUCKY I'D DRINK 'TIL I DROWNED.

NOW THAT'S SAD.

YEP.

[♪]

LOOK AT THIS STREET.

WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND A PATRON OF THE ARTS IN WINNIPEG--

IN THE DEAD OF WINTER, IN THIS DEPRESSION?

HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?

I JUST RENTED A WAREHOUSE I GOT PEOPLE LINED UP TO BUILD SETS,

MAKE COSTUMES-- I GOT MUSICIANS,

ARRANGERS, I GOTTA PUT UP FIRST, OR THEY'LL SHUT ME DOWN.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD KEEP IT SIMPLE.

AMERICA GOES SIMPLE.

THAT'S A HOT ONE.

NO - IT'S GOTTA BE VULGAR AND OBVIOUS. FULL OF GIMMICKS!

YOU KNOW, SADNESS BUT WITH SASS AND PIZZAZZ!

THEY'LL EAT IT UP.

BUT WE GOT TO HIT 'EM LOTS OF DIFFERENT WAYS

'CAUSE IF THE JUDGE SEES THE SAME THING MORE THAN ONCE

SHE'LL HOLD BACK THOSE SNIFFLES.

PLEASE, SIR? WE'RE HUNGRY-- DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD YOU COULD GIVE US?

NO I DON'T.

HACE MUCHO FRIO, HUH?

SI.

SI, MUCHO FRIO.

WELL IF YOU AGREE TO DROP OUT OF THIS COMPETITION AND JOIN MY AMERICAN TEAM

I'LL PAY YOUR WAY BACK HOME WHEN I WIN.

REALLY?

GET TO THE BREWERY. WAIT FOR ME.

SI. GRACIAS. OH, GRACIAS, SENOR!

DAMNED SLEEPWALKER.

[KISS SOUND] GOODNIGHT, MOTHER.

SO YOU, UH, MANAGE TO KEEP YOURSELF SAD AT ALL TIMES, DO YA?

IN MY POCKET IS A JAR.

IN THE JAR, PRESERVED IN MY OWN TEARS, IS MY SON'S HEART.

THIS IS THE PIECE THAT WOULD WIN THE CONTEST.

THE SONG IS YOU.

WE PLAYED IT FOR MOTHER. I PLAYED IT FOR MY SON, AT HIS FUNERAL.

THAT'S MY SADNESS.

ONE DEATH, OR TWO.

I PLAY IT EVERY DAY, FIRST ON THE CYLINDER,

THEN ON MY CELLO.

THERE IS NOTHING SADDER.

I NEED THIS SONG!

BUT I WILL NEVER PLAY IT FOR MONEY.

OH, RODERICK.

IN FACT, I WANT NO ONE ELSE EVER TO HEAR IT

UNTIL I PLAY IT AGAIN FOR MY WIFE, WHENEVER I FIND HER!

LET'S NOT DWELL ON THE PAST SO!

AS FOR ME-- I WILL DRAW ON THE SADNESS OF SERBIA

THE LITTLE COUNTRY THAT STARTED THE GREAT WAR.

GAVRILO THE GREAT WILL ATONE FOR THOSE NINE MILLION DEAD

BY SHOVING THEM DOWN CHESTER'S THROAT!

AND PULLING OUT TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

THEN PERHAPS I CAN AFFORD TO LOOK PROPERLY FOR MY WIFE.

RODERICK!?

YOU'RE A CANADIAN, BORN AND RAISED!

UNTIL I WALKED DOWN THE STREETS OF BELGRADE FOR THE FIRST TIME

I NEVER FELT AT HOME-- ANYWHERE.

I FINALLY KNEW WHO I WAS-- AND WHERE MY HEART DWELT.

COME, LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE I HIDE MY HEART.

HEY, HOW DOES YOUR TAPEWORM FEEL ABOUT BURIALS?

LIKE A BRIDE AT HER WEDDING!

A FESTIVAL OF WORMS!

A GRAND OLD WINNIPEG BANKER IS BEING PLANTED TODAY.

I'VE GOT A HUNCH HIS WIDOW MIGHT JUST GO FOR A SAD SONG TRIBUTE

TO HIS FINANCIAL PROWESS.

LET'S GO, WE NEED A GOOD SPOT-- NEXT TO THE FAMILY.

I'LL LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ALL THIS SADNESS REALLY EXISTS.

WHAT A DELIGHTFUL NOTION.

WELL BAD THINGS HAPPEN.

I'M NOT DENYING THAT. PLENTY OF 'EM.

SOMEHOW, WHEN PEOPLE START TRYING TO SHOW HOW THEY'VE BEEN

AFFECTED BY THESE BAD THINGS, THEY START FAKING IT.

THEY KNOW THAT, DEEP DOWN, NO ONE REALLY CARES

BUT THEY WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THEY'RE SUFFERING, DAMN IT.

AND OTHERS WILL GO ALONG WITH IT, MAKING FACES,

HOPING SOMEONE WILL NOTICE SO THAT WHEN SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENS TO THEM

THEY CAN GET SOME OF THIS FAKE PITY FOR THEMSELVES.

AND NOW MICHAEL'S DAUGHTER, AGNES,

WILL QUICKLY SING HIS FAVORITE SONG.

[SAD WHIMPERING] ♪ SKIP - SKIP, SKIP TO MY LOU ♪

[WHIMPER] ♪ SKIP TO MY LOU MY DARLING ♪

[CRYING]

AH! DON'T FALL ON ME!

NO, AH, MRS. BURNE-JONES?

I'M CHESTER KENT, A PRODUCER OF MUSICAL SPECTACULARS IN NEW YORK.

I WAS VERY MOVED BY YOUR DAUGHTER'S PERFORMANCE.

WE ALL WERE.

IT STRUCK ME THAT MORE PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE A CHANCE TO HEAR HER

AND THE OTHER SAD MUSIC THAT SOOTHED YOUR HUSBAND.

IF WE COULD-- MOUNT A MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO HIM ON INTERNATIONAL RADIO

PEOPLE WOULD BE REMINDED OF WHAT HE MEANT TO THEM,

AND-- LISTENERS WHO DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS WONDERFUL BANKER'S LIFE AND GREAT SPIRIT.

IS THAT FOR THAT RADIO CONTEST?

NO... BUT WAIT A MINUTE!

MAYBE WE COULDTIE IT IN WITH THAT THERE'S SUCH A GREAT AUDIENCE, YOU SEE.

WELL - IF I LET MY DAUGHTER SING FOR YOU,

SHE WON'T COME CHEAP!

AND YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY IN ADVANCE.

WELL, I'D BE WILLING TO GO AS HIGH AS A DOLLAR SEVENTY-FIVE.

AH, SHE'S WORTH MORE THAN THAT.

LOOK NOBODY KNOWS I'M BROKE!

GIVE A POOR MUSICIAN JUST A WHIFF OF AMERICAN DOUGH,

AND HE'LL BEND RIGHT OVER FOR UNCLE SAM!

HEY!

CARE TO DANCE?

POOR YIDDISH, NO COUNTRY OF YOUR OWN, HUH?

COME ON OVER, AND PUT A LITTLE 'SPRITZ' IN AMERICA.

UNTIL YOUR EYES GET USED TO IT WE'LL KEEP THE LIGHT SOFT.

LEGS!

HOW PLIABLE AND DELICATE AND STURDY THEY ARE.

WHAT DANGEROUS MOODS. WHAT SUBTLE SHIFTS IN EXPRESSION

THE LEG THAT TEASES, THE LEG THAT FEELS GUILTY,

THE LEG THAT BLUSHES, AND WANTS TO APOLOGIZE,

THE LEG THAT STAMMERS OUT ITS LOVE, AND THE LEG THAT REPUDIATES IT.

HEEWWW!

SINCE THE ACCIDENT WHEN I GAVE UP MY DOCTOR'S LICENSE

NOT A DAY HAS PASSED WITHOUT MY THINKING HOW I WOULD MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR HELEN.

YOU DO EVIDENTLY-- LOVE HER.

HOW COULD YOU THINK OTHERWISE?

UGHHH!

SHE MUST HAVE ARTIFICIAL LEGS BY NOW.

BUT SHE DOESN'T.

WOOD AND LEATHER DON'T AGREE WITH HER,

THEY GIVE HER PURPLE RASHES, AND BIG UNSIGHTLY WELTS.

NONE OF THE ORDINARY PROSTHETIC MATERIALS WILL DO.

THEN, SITTING AMONG ALL THE BOTTLES THAT I'D EMPTIED,

IT FINALLY CAME TO ME!

GLASS!

GLASS?

YES-- IT'S THE PERFECT SOLUTION - HELEN LOVES GLASS!

SHE SURROUNDS HERSELF WITH IT.

HER HOUSE IS FILLED WITH-- GLASS ORNAMENTS, CREATURES LARGE AND SMALL--

SHE COLLECTS GLASS DOLLS-- HUNDREDS OF DOLLS,

IN A STAINED GLASS ROOM,

WAITING, LIKE SHE IS, TO WALK.

BEHOLD!

I'VE TRIED TO GIVE THESE TO HER, CAN NEVER FIND THE RIGHT MOMENT.

MY GOD.

AND THEY WERE MADE RIGHT HERE IN CANADA!

NOW LADY PORT-HUNTLY CAN STAND UP AND DANCE

TO THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD.

I'VE EVEN FILLED THEM WITH PORT-HUNTLY MUSKEG BEER!

WHY DO YOU FROWN?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY WIFE.

HAPPIER THOUGHTS-- PLEASE!

I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH OF HER [LAUGH] LEAPING ACROSS A GUTTER

HER LEGS-- SUSPENDED IN MID-AIR.

WELL, I'M AFRAID THESE WON'T PERMIT THAT,

BUT THEY CAN STRETCH OUT A FAIR WAY!

COULD I SEE THE PICTURE?

NO. IT'S--

UH, SHE'S NOT AT ALL AS I PICTURED HER.

EXCUSE ME?

I'VE BEEN ADMIRING YOUR EAR FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES.

I FIND IT UTTERLY BEAUTIFUL.

IT IS PERFECTLY SHAPED, THIS ONE-- THE LEFT ONE!

I WONDER-- I WONDER IF I MIGHT WHISPER SOMETHING INTO IT?

JUST A LITTLE STORY YOU MIGHT LIKE.

WOULD YOU MIND? I WON'T COME TOO CLOSE.

UH, AH, UH I'M DEAF IN THAT EAR!

BUT, UH I CAN HEAR JUST FINE I-IN THE OTHER ONE.

HMM.

NO, THIS IS THE ONE I WANT YOU CAN STILL FEEL MY BREATH--

IMAGINE WHAT I AM TELLING YOU.

[SOUND OF APPLAUSE IN BACKGROUND]

SO WHY'D YOU SEND FOR ME?

SUPPOSE I DECIDED TO BACK YOU?

WELL, THAT WOULD BE VERY SPORTING.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU -- THERE'LL BE MANY, MANY BILLS TO PAY.

WE CAN BOTH PAY OUR BILLS. -YOU WANT ME TO WIN, I SUPPOSE?

UNDO ME.

BEG YOUR PARDON.

YOU HAVE TO START PAYING YOUR FIRST BILL RIGHT NOW.

I DISLIKE BEER.

FOR MY JUBILEE, I REQUESTED CHAMPAGNE AND MILK.

THAT'S A PRETTY SMALL TUB.

THERE'D BE ROOM ENOUGH.

SUPPOSE I REFUSE?

OH, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

HAH! DO I GET INSTRUCTIONS?

HEY IT'S VERY SIMPLE-- YOU UNDRESS ME, YOU BATHE ME,

YOU PUT ME TO BED.

I LIKE TO BE ASKED-- NOT TOLD.

OH, WHO CARES WHAT YOU LIKE! -YOU DO!

ALL THIS BULLY BOY STUFF! JUST SAY YOU WANT ME.

IT'S EASY TO WANT YOU, HELEN-- YOU'RE STILL BEAUTIFUL.

JUST SAY IT, [KISS SOUND]

AND THEN LET'S GO SOMEWHERE WHERE WE CAN GET SERIOUS.

JUST UNDRESS ME.

NO SALE!

ONE OF YOU BOYS TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD, AND FISH HER OUT WHEN SHE'S DONE.

WELL THAT WAS THE LAST OF MY PRIDE.

DOES YOUR OFFER STILL STAND?

AHH A LITTLE BIT OF BACKBONE

IS SEXY IN A MAN.

BE UNDRESSED BY THE TIME I COUNT TO FIVE.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR

[BUZZER]

[APPLAUSE]

REPRESENTING CANADA IS OUR FIRST PERFORMER THIS EVENING-- FYODOR KENT.

HE IS WEARING WHAT APPEARS TO BE HIS OWN UNIFORM FROM THE GREAT WAR.

AND HE STANDS ON THE STAGE WITH AN UPTURNED PIANO,

HIS TOUCHING TRIBUTE TO THE CANADIANS WHO FELL ON THE EUROPEAN BATTLEFIELDS.

A CANADIAN TROOP SITE AT VIMY,

THE BIRD NOTES OF REVEILLE AT DAWN.

LET US FOLLOW THE LEAVES OF RED

AS THEY SWIRL ACROSS THE FIELDS OF FRANCE AND THE RAGING OCEAN.

COME HOME, MY BOYS, COME HOME.

♪ JUST THE RED MAPLE LEAVES

♪ AND WHEN THEY COME AGAIN, YOU'LL FIND ME ♪

♪ WHERE I LEFT MY HEART BEHIND ME ♪

♪ NEATH THE RED MAPLE LEAVES ♪

♪ MAPLE LEAVES

[BUZZER]

[DRUMS]

[LINE IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

NOW THE ZANI PERFORMERS FROM THE CAMEROONS ARE SHOWING US

HOW VILLAGERS THERE CONDUCT A PROPER PYGMY FUNERAL.

FROM THESE WILDLY BEATEN JUNGLE SKINS,

WE ARE HEARING THE TRUE SOUNDS OF BEREAVEMENT

WHILE FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF THE DECEASED PUNISH THEMSELVES WITH SHARP STONES

OPENING WOUNDS ACROSS KNEECAP AND FOREHEAD--

WOUNDS THAT WEEP TEARS OF BLOOD.

♪ [SINGING IN AFRICAN DIALECT] ♪ [DRUMS]

[BUZZER]

♪ WE GATHERED LEAVES TO PRESS THEM, AS LOVERS SOMETIMES DO ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONE, BUT I CARESS THEM, THEY'RE ALL I HAVE OF YOU ♪

♪ ALL I HAVE-- [2 BUZZERS]

♪ [DRUMS AND SINGING] ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ♪

♪ [DRUMS AND SINGING] ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ♪

♪ [DRUMS AND SINGING] ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ♪

♪ ALL I HAVE OF YOU!

[BREAKS DOWN] [DRUMS CONTINUE]

[LOUD CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

THIS HAS BEEN A REAL EYE-OPENER FOR THE

TRADITIONALLY RESERVED CANADIAN AUDIENCE GATHERED HERE THIS EVENING.

THE CROWD IS ON ITS FEET-- SWEPT UP IN THE ZANI FRENZY.

[LOUD CHEERING]

THE AFRICANS HAVE ELIMINATED CANADA IN THEIR FIRST CHALLENGE.

THE BEER BATH MAKES IT OFFICIAL.

FYODOR KENT MUST REALIZE THAT IN A WORLD COMPETITION

ORDINARY TEARS AREN'T GOING TO BE ENOUGH.

YES, MARY-- A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT FOR CANADA AND FYODOR KENT.

BUT THE ZANIS REALLY SEEM TO BE ENJOYING THEIR VICTORY

NOW THEY'RE WHIPPING THE HEAD ON THE BREW INTO A HAPPY PORT-HUNTLY MOUNTAIN.

[CLAPPING] GREAT WORK, DAD!

YOU'VE NEVER SUNG IT BETTER!

'COURSE THOSE TRIBESMEN PUT ON QUITE A SHOW, DON'T THEY?

WE COULD LEARN SOMETHING FROM THEM.

YOU HAVEN'T BROUGHT YOUR - 'KEPT WOMAN' WITH YA, I HOPE?

WHICH ONE DO YOU MEAN?

THE GIRL ON MY STREETCAR--THE SAME ONE I SUPPOSE WHO WAS

MAKING LIKE A HURRICANE UPSTAIRS WHEN YOUR BROTHER CAME HOME!

NARCISSA?

YEAH, SHE'S HERE ALL RIGHT-- SHE BETTER BE--

MY WHOLE NUMBER DEPENDS ON HER.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?

WHERE DOES SHE COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HER?

I MET HER AT THE FAIRGROUND!

SHE SAYS SHE'S FROM SERBIA SHE MAKES STUFF UP THOUGH.

HAS SHE MENTIONED RODERICK?

NO, SHE'S NEVER MET HIM.

CANCEL YOUR NUMBER.

GET HER OUT OF HERE-- WHETHER I'M RIGHT OR WRONG,

IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK.

WHERE I COME FROM, POP WINNING IS WORTH EVERY RISK!

YOU'LL KILL ME, JUDAS, AND YOUR BROTHER TOO--

SHE'S RODERICK'S WIFE!

THAT'S A GREAT YARN!

I'M NOT BUYING IT THOUGH.

AND EVEN IF IT WAS TRUE, THAT'S SHOWBIZ!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE MY SON.

HEY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU CANCELING YOUR NUMBER.

IN THE NEXT ROUND WE HAVE AMERICAN SADNESS SQUARING OFF AGAINST THAT OF SPAIN.

BROADWAY PRODUCER CHESTER KENT HAS SELECTED JUST THE RIGHT VINTAGE OF AMERICAN SADNESS,

FROM THE COTTON FIELDS OF THE DEEP SOUTH.

LET'S, AH.

AH LET'S GET AWAY FROM ALL THIS HULLABALOO.

YOU NEED YOUR QUIET.

OH, NO.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT THIS BROADWAY JACKANAPES KNOWS

ABOUT SADNESS.

SPAIN, RIGHT?

TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU WANT TO DROP OUT OF THIS COMPETITION AND JOIN AMERICA

I'LL PAY YOUR WAY BACK HOME WHEN I WIN.

THINK ABOUT IT.

[BUZZER]

[♪]

THE ALWAYS IMPETUOUS SPANISH OFFER US A JAIL SIDE VIEW OF THE WAGES OF SIN.

ESMERELDA AWAITS EXECUTION HER PRISON CELL ECHOES WITH HER SAVAGE LAMENT.

♪ [SPANISH]

[BUZZER]

[CHEERING]

[♪]

♪ SWING LOW

♪ SWEET CHARIOT

♪ COMING FORTH TO CARRY ME HOME ♪

♪ SWING LOW

♪ SWEET CHARIOT

♪ COMING FORTH TO CARRY ME HOME ♪

[BUZZER]

♪ [SPANISH]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

MY EYES!

CLOSE YOUR EYES. NO, NO! CLOSE YOUR EY-EYES!

TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS

OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOAAHHH

TOO MANY TEACAKES FOR DINNERRRR

MY EARS!

SHE'S GOT HER TEETH IN THEM!

♪ COMING FORTH TO CARRY ME HOME. ♪

THE RAINDROPS BURN ME!

YOU HEAR THEIR HISS? !

LET'S LEAVE.

HUH!

CAN'T YOU SMELL HER? IT'S ROSES!

MY NOSTRILS ARE CHOKING!

TOO MANY THORNS! I BLEED.

UP! UP!

SHE WON'T STAY DOWN!

NARCISSA!

AHHHH!

[BUZZER]

I'M GOING MAD.

[♪]

[APPLAUSE]

AMERICA JUST SWALLOWED UP SPAIN IN THAT MATCH.

THE LOCAL CROWD IS CLEARLY CARRIED AWAY BY BOTH

THE PERFORMER AND THE PYROTECHNICS!

AS FAR AS THEY'RE CONCERNED, SADNESS ISN'T HURT ONE BIT

BY A LITTLE 'RAZZLE-DAZZLE' SHOWMANSHIP!

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING] YEAH YEAH YEAH!

RODERICK, RODERICK,

RODERICK.

WHO GOES THERE?

GAVRILO THE GREAT, I'M HERE TO PLAY FOR THE FUNERAL.

YOU MAY ENTER.

WHO GOES THERE?

RODERICK KUKOC, SON OF FYODOR. I'M LOOKING FOR MY INSTRUMENT.

GO ON IN.

WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?

I CAME AS QUICK AS I COULD. I GOT THROUGH ALL THE DOORS.

BUT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO COME THROUGH ANY OF THEM.

YOU TOLD THEM WHAT THEY WANTED TO KNOW, NOW HE'S DEAD,

AND I HAVE TO CLOSE ALL THE DOORS BETWEEN US

AND LOCK THEM WITH THIS KEY.

OUR SON IS DEAD?

THE DOORS WERE FOR HIM-- NOT FOR YOU.

YOU TOOK THEM ALL AWAY FROM HIM-- AND SO HE DIED.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WHO WILL PLAY AT THE FUNERAL?

YOU CAN PLAY-- FROM IN HERE.

BUT NOT TOO SOFT OR HE WON'T HEAR.

AHH!

SON?

I BEG YOU NOT TO GO ON

I MUST PLAY.

PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T!

THEY'LL BE LISTENING.

[BUZZER]

[CHEERING]

[BOOING]

A TARDY GAVRILO THE GREAT FINALLY APPEARS ON THE STAGE,

TO FACE AN IMPATIENT CROWD.

WE'VE HEARD MUCH TALK ABOUT HIS PLAINTIVE CELLO-HORN

WHICH HAS DRAWN ENOUGH MOISTURE FROM HARDENED OLD WORLD EYES TO FILL THE ENGLISH CHANNEL!

I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING.

[CHEERING FOR SCOTLAND]

I'M SORRY BUT MY EARS ARE QUITE SENSITIVE!

SOME OF YOU IN THE FIRST FEW ROWS ARE SWALLOWING TOO LOUDLY.

AND YOU, SIR, COULD YOU PLEASE REFRAIN FROM BREATHING THROUGH YOUR NOSE LIKE THAT?

AND THERE'S A WOMAN IN A STRAW HAT WHOSE STOMACH IS GROWLING.

NOW WHAT IS THAT STINK?

IS THIS A HOG BARN OR A CONCERT HALL?!

[SCOTISH DRUMS]

[BUZZER]

♪ [CELLO MUSIC]

[BUZZER]

♪ [BAGPIPES AND DRUMS]

[BUZZER]

♪ [CELLO MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]

STILL NO WORD ON THE CONDITION OF GAVRILO THE GREAT.

WE DON'T KNOW IF HE'S IN A COMA,

OR JUST VERY VERY SAD.

WE'LL TRY TO FIND OUT AS SOON AS WE CAN.

NOW A WORD FROM PORT-HUNTLY BEER!

♪ GET UP GET YOUR BOOTS ON HURRY UP, HURRY UP! ♪

♪ TIME'S A WASTIN' IF YOU'RE NOT TASTIN' LADY PORT-HUNTLY'S BEER. ♪

[♪]

STAY, AWAY FROM HIM! HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH?

NARCISSA, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MY BROTHER BEFORE?

HE LOOKS VAGUELY FAMILIAR.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED TO THIS GENTLEMAN, HAVE YOU?

OR HAD A CHILD WITH HIM?

THAT WOULDN'T HAVE SLIPPED YOUR MIND, I TRUST.

I WOULD HATE TO BE SO CARELESS WITH LOVED ONES

BUT HE COULD BE ANYONE.

WELL SHE'S SCATTERBRAINED-- I'LL ADMIT

SHE'S NOT LYING.

DID YOU SEE HIM WHILE SHE WAS ON THAT SWING-- LOOK AT HIM NOW!

MAYBE IF I SPOKE TO HIM.

I WANT YOU BOTH TO LEAVE IF HE WAKES UP AND SEES YOU,

HE'LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN!

SHEE-HAH!

YOU HEARD THE MAN, NARCISSA.

HUH-HAH!

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE JEALOUS TYPE.

BUT MY TAPEWORM SAYS I SHOULD SPEND AT LEAST ONE NIGHT WITH YOUR BROTHER.

I THINK THE FACT THAT, HE'S MY BROTHER,

MIGHT BE GOOD REASON NOT TO.

WELL, IT'S NOT UP TO ME.

I'M ASKING YOU NOT TO.

HAH, IT'S EMBARRASSING BUT I'M ASKING YOU NOT TO.

DON'T WORRY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME OUT THERE?

YOUR SENSES DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO COOL DOWN.

THERE WILL BE OTHER CHANCES.

I WAS HYPNOTIZED BY THAT SWING, THAT GIRL! -- WHO WAS SHE?

A NORTH END STRIPPER. ONE OF CHESTER'S SHOWGIRLS.

ALL THAT BROADWAY SISS-BOOM-BAH!

DON'T YOU THINK THE MUSIC SHOULD SPEAK FOR ITSELF, RODERICK?

I HEARD AND SAW NARCISSA-- SHE SENT SHIVERS THROUGH ME.

NEXT TIME, YOU MUST KEEP YOUR HEAD CLEAR OF DISTRACTIONS BEFORE YOU PERFORM.

IF I EVER PERFORM AGAIN! THE JUDGE MUST BE FURIOUS WITH ME.

DON'T FRET, MY SON. TONIGHT WE'LL MAKE HER SO HAPPY.

SHE'LL FORGIVE EVERYTHING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.

SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR A LUCKIER TIME?

HHH-OHHH!

MAKE SURE YOU TELL HER THEY'RE FROM ME.

OOOH

OH, TEDDY, LET'S NOT ARGUE.

MMM-HMMM

THE "TREATY OF VERSAILLES" NUMBER.

IT'S A STINK ISN'T IT?

[LAUGH] A-OOOH!

I WOULDN'T LET THOSE GERMAN CLEAN MY KITCHEN FLOOR!

EXCUSE ME! LADY PORT-HUNTLY?

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU PRIVATELY FOR A MINUTE?

UH, THE GREAT GAVRILO-- YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT AT THE ARCHDUKE?

PLEASE!

I AM MOST HUMBLED IN YOUR PRESENCE--

I'M HERE TO ARRANGE AN INTRODUCTION.

[ANNOYED SIGH] IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

I AM JUDGING A CONTEST RIGHT NOW.

YOU MUST BELIEVE, THIS INTRODUCTION WILL MATTER MORE.

HEY NO TRICKS. YOU MUST WIN YOUR MONEY DOWN THERE, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, ON THE STAGE.

I AM ONLY HERE AS AN AMBASSADOR OF HAPPINESS!

HUH.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD A MOMENT'S PEACE,

SINCE YOU AND THESE FRIENDS PARTED COMPANY.

YOU ARE AS PRESUMPTUOUS AS YOU ARE RUDE-- JUST-- LEAVE!

IF I AM WRONG, JUST SAY THE WORD. -YOU ARE WRONG!

IF I AM WRONG TOGETHER, WE CAN THROW THESE 'FRIENDS' FROM THE BALCONY.

YOU GO WITH THEM!

[APPLAUSE IN BACKGROUND]

TEDDY?

GO LIFT A THUMB-- POLAND JUST BEAT GERMANY!

LET'S SEE BEFORE WE MAKE THE FINAL TOSS.

A MOMENT.

FROM FATHER.

[♪]

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ♪

♪ MMM, MMM, MMM

♪ OF EVERY DREAM I EVER KNEW

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART,

♪ I HEAR IT PLAY,

♪ I FEEL IT START,

♪ THEN MELT AWAY

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL THEME OF EVERY DREAM I EVER KNEW ♪

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART

♪ I HEAR IT SAY, IS THIS THE DAY? ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD THIS LOVELY STRAIN, ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD THIS GLAD REFRAIN. ♪

♪ MUST IT BE FOREVER INSIDE OF ME? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET IT GO?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW THE SONG MY HEART WOULD SING? ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL RHAPSODY OF LOVE AND YOUTH AND SPRING? ♪

♪ THE MUSIC IS SWEET, THE WORDS ARE TRUE, THE SONG IS YOU. ♪

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL THEME OF EVERY DREAM I EVER KNEW, ♪

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART, I HEAR IT PLAY, I FEEL IT START, ♪

♪ THEN MELT AWAY.

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN I TOUCH YOUR HAND. ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL MELODY FROM SOME ENCHANTED LAND. ♪

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART, I HEAR IT SAY, IS THIS THE DAY? ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD THIS LOVELY STRAIN, ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD THIS GLAD REFRAIN, ♪

♪ MUST IT BE FOREVER INSIDE OF ME? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET IT GO?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW THE SONG MY HEART WOULD SING? ♪

♪ THAT BEAUTIFUL RHAPSODY OF LOVE AND YOUTH AND SPRING! ♪

♪ THE MUSIC IS SWEET, THE WORDS ARE TRUE, THE SONG IS YOU. ♪

♪ THE SONG IS YOU!

NARCISSA!

MMM!

AH OW!

AHH!

IF YOU LIKE, I COULD SING SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU HAVE TURNED OUR MOST PRIVATE GRIEF INTO...

A CARNIVAL PEEP SHOW WITH MY BROTHER-- THE PIMP-- SELLING TICKETS!

WHY NOT FIND YOURSELF A DANCE PARTNER?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE TUNE, LONG HAIR-- IT'S CATCHY!

OOHH!

OOHH!

AHHH!

DIE!

OWW!

AH GIVE ME MORE O' THAT FIZZ--

YOU'VE BEEN AWAY LONG ENOUGH.

[♪]

CARE TO DANCE?

WELL, LOOK AT YOU!

CINDERELLA IN SPADES!

I AM TOLD, I AM UN-BREAKABLE!

I JUST KICKED A BALL!

AND RIGHT THEN I THOUGHT TONIGHT,

I'M GOING TO GO TO ONE! I'M GOING TO BRING MY ORCHESTRA!

IT'S NOT A MASKED BALL-- ALL BLINDFOLDS OFF!

COME!

[♪]

IF YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR WIFE I'M HAPPY TO SAY I'M YOUR WIFE.

IF YOU WANT US TO HAVE A DEAD SON,

I HAVE NO OBJECTION TO HAVING ONE.

BUT REALLY, IF HE'S DEAD I DON'T SEE WHAT DIFFERENCE IT MAKES.

HUH!

HA, HA, HA.

YOU KNOW?

I HARDLY RECOGNIZE YOU.

OH!

I FEEL ALL THOSE LOST, WONDERFUL YEARS

COME RUNNING BACK TO ME.

I KNOW THEY'RE NOT, BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL!

IT'S YOUR HAPPINESS I DON'T RECOGNIZE.

WHERE'S ALL THAT CRUELTY, HELEN?

YOU HAD THE MARKET CORNERED.

LET'S COMPARE LEGS! COME ON!

AH, THERE'S NO CONTEST FOR ONE THING, THERE'S NO BEER IN MINE.

LOOK HOW THEY SPARKLE!

OH, THEY FEEL SO SMOOTH.

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO SHAVE.

COME, TOUCH THEM!

AH I SWEAR I CAN FEEL YOUR TOUCH

MAKES ME BUBBLE!

AHHH!

HEY, YOU GOT ANY TOENAIL POLISH?

I'LL PAINT YOUR TOENAILS FOR YOU.

HEY YOU DEVIL!

ARE YOU ALREADY COUNTING YOUR PRIZE MONEY?

NOT SO.

WE MIGHT AS WELL BE-- STRANGERS

GOOD LORD, THE YEARS LEAVE NO TRACE!

NOT A MARK ON YOU!

AND YET YOU MUST HAVE BEEN HURT MORE THAN I?

HAH WAIT!

WAS THAT ME? -- DID I BREAK?

NO, NO! DOWNSTAIRS. SOME OTHER GLASS LADY.

SHODDY WORKMANSHIP!

HAHHH!

THAT WAS NICE-- I HOPE I SEE YOU AGAIN!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'VE GOT TO REHEARSE.

GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST.

[HORSE NAYS]

AM I GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR YOU FOR A WHILE?

YOU'RE THE ONLY NAME LEFT ON THE DANCE CARD.

HOW LONG BEFORE YOU START LAUGHING AT ME?

I'M ONLY GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY.

IF YOU SUCCEED, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU VERY, VERY RICH.

I WISH I COULD FEEL THE COLD AGAINST MY LEG, MY SKIRT.

LOOK, NO SAG!

NO VARICOSE VEINS. THESE ARE LEGS TO DIE FOR, HELEN!

HA, HA, HA HMM!

WELL, I THOUGHT IF THE TWO OF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT

TRY ME!

FATHER!

OH SOONER OR LATER, HELEN

I KNEW YOU'D SHOW UP TO PAY YOUR RESPECTS.

YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO BEFORE I START SAYING "THANK YOU."

HIM! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? HE HELPED ME SAW!

THAT'S A LIE!

I WAS THERE, REMEMBER!

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT! FORGIVE ME! PLEASE!

BETTER QUIT, POP-- YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE!

LET'S GO. LET'S GO! THIS IS NOT A REQUEST!

HE'S AN ABOMINATION!

YYYYAHHH!

RRRAHHH.

YAAAA!

RRAHHHH.

AH HAH HEE.

YYYAAH!

YYYAHH!

[♪]

[GLASS BREAKING]

[SPLASH]

THE FAMILY'S FINISHED WHEN WE BURY HIM.

I'D SAY IT WAS OVER A LONG TIME AGO.

AND WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

THE LAST TIME WE CAME CHESTER, THERE WAS A BLIZZARD, REMEMBER?

WHAT GOOD IS MEMORY, NARCISSA?

WHY MAKE YOURSELF SAD? -I'M NOT.

THAT WAS A HAPPY DAY.

I'LL SAY. I MADE A SNOW ANGEL ON TOP OF YOU.

RAHH, AHH.

RRRRR.

AHH, AHHH.

AHHH.

ACCCH, ACHHH, AHH.

AHHH!

RODERICK?

THANK YOU.

YOU JUST GAVE ME A GREAT IDEA FOR A NUMBER.

[♪]

[CHEERING LOUDLY]

AND SO IT WILL BE AMERICA'S CHESTER KENT AGAINST SERBIA'S GAVRILO THE GREAT

IN TOMORROW NIGHT'S LADY PORT-HUNTLY'S BEER SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD FINALE.

I'M GETTING COLD.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU GET COLD?

I WAS HOPING FOR ONE OF YOUR SPECIAL SNOW TREATS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST CONCENTRATE ON THE SINGING.

AS YOU WISH.

HAS YOUR TAPEWORM DECIDED TO GIVE ME THE OLD 'HEAVE-HO'?

I THINK HE MAY BE DEAD.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT; WE GOT ALONG SO WELL.

MAYBE HE'S JUST EATING. I FEEL KIND OF EMPTY.

YOU AND ME BOTH. I'M STUCK FOR A FINAL NUMBER.

ISN'T IT ALL DECIDED?

THE JUDGE SEEMS TO BE SINGING 'THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER' IN HER SLEEP.

I WANT PEOPLE TO SAY I DESERVED IT.

WHICH PEOPLE? -MY BROTHER!

THAT FELLOW YOU WENT OFF WITH THE NIGHT I NEARLY DIED OF A HEAD INJURY?

I WANNA CRUSH HIM.

[HORSE NAYS] IN THE NAME OF SERBIA,

I KILL YOU BOTH--

LET THE WORLD WAR BEGIN.

POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!

HOW MANY BULLETS WILL IT TAKE?

RODERICK?

THAT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE ATTACKED ME.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE CRAZY-- I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

RAHHH!

AHHH!

AHHHH!

AHHHH!

OH!

AHHH, AHHHH, AHAHAHAAAHHH.

WHY WON'T YOU DIE?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE A GUN.

GAVRILO THE GREAT WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED.

TWO SHOTS IN-- SARAJEVO, AND THE, THE WHOLE WORLD GOES TO WAR.

NINE MILLION DEAD, NARCISSA.

AND, AND YOU WON'T EVEN REMEMBER ONE?

LET ME OUT PLEASE.

IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED.

LOOK FOR ME IN THE WINNER'S CIRCLE!

LONG WAY HOME TO INDIA, HUH?

HOW WOULD YOU GIRLS LIKE TO EARN SOME QUICK BUCKS JUST BY

PLAYING ESKIMOS FOR TEN MINUTES, OKAY?

ACCORDING TO MY SPIES, YOU HAVE NOT STOPPED SEEING NARCISSA

UNTIL LAST NIGHT, WHEN SHE WANDERED OFF INTO THE TUNDRA.

WHEN I TOLD YOU IT WAS OVER, I THOUGHT IT WAS.

TRULY.

TURNS OUT, IT WAS ALMOST OVER.

QUITE A PIECE OF WORK, CHESTER KENT.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT ME.

YOU MIGHT BE A TOO BIG A PIECE OF WORK, EVEN FOR ME.

YOU SAYING YOU'RE THROUGH WITH ME?

I WISH I WAS SAYING THAT.

I'M SAYING THAT YOU'RE HANGING BY A THREAD.

WELL, MAYBE WHEN YOU SEE THIS NUMBER TONIGHT,

THAT THREAD'LL TURN INTO A ROPE.

AW LOOK, HELEN I SWEAR I'M GOING TO CLIMB BACK OVER INTO YOUR GOOD GRACES.

CHECK THE BACK OF MY LEG.

TELL ME THERE IS NOT A CRACK.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

AMERICA'S CHESTER KENT HAS CONQUERED THE AIR AND THE EARTH.

NOW POISED TO VANQUISH WATER,

HE IMMORTALIZES THE LONG FORGOTTEN ALASKAN KAYAK TRAGEDY OF 1898.

AND APPROACHING THE STAGE AREA IS THE MAESTRO OF MELANCHOLY,

THE SERBIAN "NE PLUS ULTRA" OF THE CELLO HORN, GAVRILO THE GREAT.

[BUZZER]

[♪]

[CHEERING]

[♪]

[LOUD CHEERING]

ISN'T IT RATHER ODD THAT LADY PORT-HUNTLY

IS ACTUALLY IN ONE OF THESE NUMBERS WHEN SHE'S ALSO THE JUDGE.

WELL MARY, I THINK SHE LOOKS SPECTACULAR!

[♪]

HERE COMES THE TRAGIC STORM.

THE WAVES ARE BILLOWING IN A HAIR-RAISING ILLUSION OF AN

ACTUAL STORM AT SEA.

[♪]

[SCRAPING CELLO NOISES]

[♪]

[SCRAPING CELLO] [GLASS CRACKING]

[CHEERING, YELLING, HOOTS ETC]

MY GOD! MARY!

AHHHHH! STOP THIS!

BRING THESE SAVAGES TO AN END!

STOP IT!

TEDDY!

TEDDY!

[LOUD AUDIENCE NOISES]

[♪]

HELEN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

JUST LOOK AT ME!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK YOU CAN BE FIXED.

ANYTHING THAT'S BUILT CAN BE REBUILT.

C'MON, WE'LL GET PAST THIS, I PROMISE YOU.

LET ME LEAN ON YOU.

HELP ME OUT OF HERE PLEASE.

OF COURSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. I'M SORRY.

LISTEN ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO LEAVE BEF -- UNHHH!

UNHHH!

AHHH.

UHHH, UHHH.

WELL, NOW YOU'VE GIVEN ME SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT.

I TAKE IT THE JUDGE'S DECISION IS FINAL.

GO TO HELL, CHESTER.

IN DUE TIME.

FIRST I'M GOING TO HAVE MY VICTORY CIGAR.

GOD HELP ME I'VE EARNED IT.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN I LOOK AT YOU ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL THEME

♪ OF EVERY DREAM I EVER KNEW

♪ NOW DEEP IN MY HEART,

♪ I HEAR IT PLAY

♪ I FEEL IT START

♪ A BEAUTIFUL DREAM

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN I TOUCH YOUR HAND. ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL MELODY FROM SOME ENCHANTED LAND ♪

♪ HOW DEEP IN MY HEART

♪ I HEAR YOU SAY

"IS THIS THE DAY?" ♪

[COMMOTION]

KEEP PLAYING.

LET'S HEAR IT ALL.

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD THIS HAPPY STRAIN. ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD THIS SAD REFRAIN. ♪

♪ MUST IT BE FOREVER INSIDE OF ME? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET IT GO?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU SHOW THE SONG MY HEART WOULD SING! ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL MELODY OF LOVE AND BEAUTIFUL DREAMS. ♪

♪ THE MUSIC IS SWEET

♪ THE WORDS ARE TRUE

[COUGHS] ♪ MY SONG IS YOU!

[LAUGHS]

CHESTER: I ASK YOU, IS THERE ANYBODY HERE AS HAPPY AS I AM?