Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

All right.

Yeah!

Yo! Yo, wait!

Do you see me? Do you see me standing here, man?

You see me lookin' at you? Huh?

Get out of the car! I'll take care of you, man!

I'll take care of your ass! Get out of the car! Let's go!

911 emergency.

Hello there. It's me... again.

Well, what can I say?

I'm about to crash another party.

Move it, dickhead! Go!

It's only a gas pedal. It's not gonna bite!

Hang on, Benny. Here we go. Whoa!

Would-would... Would You slow down, damn it! Come on!

- Slow down! - Ah, look at this!

- It's "D" for drive, shithead! - Fuck you!

There ought to be a goddamn law, driving without a brain! Come on, move it!

Let's go. Okay, this... Out of the way! Police business! You got it?

It isn't police business, Moss. You're late for a goddamn date.

Look, you can't be yelling "police business" to people when it isn't police business.

Hey, it's my business, right? And I'm the police, right?

So go figure. What is this guy doing?

Moss!

Come on, Moss!

Jesus, Moss, what-what are you gonna tell the captain?

"I'm sorry about the 45 people I killed. I was horny. "

I just don't want to be late, Benny.

We've only been out a few times, me and Susan.

And no one I've met since my divorce even stuck around for a second date.

They say they don't like me being a cop or... I don't know.

Maybe it's something about my personality. What do you think?

Hey! Up yours, asshole! Goddamn it!

You know, Susan's different. I really think she's the one, Ben.

I even quit smokin' for her.

Right towards me. Hey, hey! You asshole!

what's the matter with you? Goddamn it! What is this, a conspiracy?

It's-It's a billboard.

Jesus. That's...

what's-his-face, uh, the new Nick Lang movie.

You know, I-I really love that guy, man.

Yeah, well, I hate the son of a bitch! He's in my way!

It's bad enough he's up there and we're stuck down here.

Fourth Squad Lieutenant, we have the Party Crasher spotted...

at a dance clubon 46th Street. No! Not tonight!

Fourth Squad, 10-4. God! I got a date. Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Hey! Hey! Hey! We're workin' here! Hey, you dipshit!

♪ I been here for years Rocking my peers Putting suckers in fear ♪

♪ Making the tears raindown like a monsoon ♪

♪ Listen to the bass go boom Explosion, overpowering ♪

♪ Over the competition I'm towering ♪

♪ Wrecking shop, when I drop these lyrics ♪

♪ That'll make you call the cops ♪

♪ Don't you dare stare You better move ♪

♪ Don't ever compare me to the rest ♪

♪ That'll all get sliced and diced ♪

♪ Competition's paying the price ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ Don't you call this... ♪

What's with this asshole?

He's gonna call us every time he wants to shoot someone?

The man likes an audience, so keep your eyes open.

Grainy, check out the back. China, Billy, stay out front.

What do we do, stand out here pullin' our puds

while you and Pooley go in after this guy?

Cheer up. He might kill someone out here.

Billy, I don't have a pud. Could you pull on yours twice for me?

He said he'd be dressed in black. Shouldn't be that hard to spot.

Police officers. Please step aside.

♪ Shadow boxing when I heard you on the radio ♪

♪ Uhh ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪

♪ What made you forget that I was raw? ♪

♪ But now I got a new tour ♪

♪ I'm going insane Starting the hurricane Releasing pain ♪

♪ Letting you know that you can't gain, I maintain ♪

- Shit. - ♪ Unless you say my name ♪

♪ Ripping, killing, digging and drilling a hole ♪

♪ Pass the Ol' Gold ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ Shotgun blasts are heard ♪

♪ When I rip and kill, at will ♪

Hey!

♪ The man of the hour Tower of power, I'll devour ♪

♪ I'm gonna tie you up and let you understand ♪

♪ That I'm not your average... ♪♪

Ha!

Help!

Help me! Help me!

He's outside! He's outside!

Billy, you got him? Where is he?

China, where is he?

Where is he? I don't see him!

There!

Damn it!

Damn it! He's right there! Billy!

Billy, the tow truck!

Hey! Hey! Come here, you prick!

Ow! Damn it!

Goddamn! Whoa! Whoa!

Hey! Asshole!

You drive! I wanna shoot him!

whoa!

Ah! Come on! We're jingling, baby!

Come on, let's roll! Come on!

You son of a bitch!

Chill, chill! Wait a minute! Let me get my gun out!

Don't tell me how to drive, Billy!

Oh! Ahh!

Ohh!

There he is! There he is!

Ahh!

The gun!

- Come on! Shit! - Jumpin' Jesus.

Ooh! Ohh!

Billy, shoot him! Kill this asshole!

I would if you'd get out of the way, you

you tow-truck-drivin', motherfuckin' super cop!

I don't give a shit! Shoot him!

You like it?

Ohh! Whoa!

You're gonna die.

If I ever get out of this, you are gonna die.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! I hate you, scumbag!

Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Oh!

Shoot him! Shoot him!

Goddamn it!

Shoot him again, Billy! Shoot...

Hey!

No, don't pull it! Oh, no! Goddamn it!

- Oh, it's gonna hurt! - Oh, no!

Whoo-hoo! Did you see that, sucker? Did you see that?

Oh, watch this. Hey, Lieutenant, care for a cigarette?

Oh, shit!

Bye!

You son of a bitch!

Ahh! Oh, man.

Oh, man!

I hate that guy.

No one talks that way to Joe Gunn.

Look who's back in town!

Where there's fire, there's smoke.

Where there's smoke, there's Joe Gunn.

He hates bad guys.

Gunn, I'm gonna kill ya.

He loves bad girls.

Joe, you gotta help me! Joe!

This time, he's tracking a kilier halfway around the globe.

He can't be stopped.

Hang on! I'm coming!

And he never quits.

Joe, why don't you quit? These will kill you.

You kill me, baby.

I want him found!

I want him stopped!

I want him dead!

Gee, it's great to be wanted.

Nick Lang is Joe Gunn in Smoking Gunn ll,

'cause you can't keep a good gun down.

Rated R.

Nicky! It's crap, Ang! It's crap!

It's another big budget, big box office,

Nick Lang, in-one-end, out-the-other, easy-to-flush piece of crap.

You didn't have to throw your People's Choice Award.

What I want to know is this.

When are you gonna come to me with something with a little relevance?

Oh. Something with a little social conscience?

Something that doesn't have a goddamn Roman numeral in the title.

Do you ever hear of Hamlet Three, Ang? Midsummer's Night Four?

They made Henry the Fifth. Oh, good answer.

It won awards for that little Scottish fellow.

So that's what this is about?

- Hi, Nicky. - Me.

The agent that mismanaged you all the way to number one.

Hi, Nicky. All right, fine.

Let's talk about something that matters. Come on in.

Just a minute. Let's talk about...

$1.2 billion in combined ticket sales.

Not to mention seven million dollars pay-or-play or 12% of the gross.

You've never been bigger, Nicky.

They're bootlegging your movies to Libya, for Christ's sake.

Fabulous, Ang. I've cornered the terrorist market. How am I doing in Iraq?

You know what the problem is? I'm tired of playing cartoons, Ang.

You don't want me to grow up. The studio doesn't want me to grow up.

I'm the only one who wants me to grow up!

Okay, let's cut through it.

It's that part, isn't it?

You still want to play that cop. That Ray Casanova.

Casanov. Ray Casanov. And you're damn right.

Now come on, Gupta. Get the kind with the fresh ones!

You're damn right I want to play that part. You know why?

Because that's a guy. That's a real guy, Ang.

That's a guy who worries about paying the rent.

That's a guy who bleeds when he gets shot! Who pukes when he gets sick!

Nick? Spielberg's wife just had a baby at Cedars.

You want I should send that wine and cheese thing?

Yeah. And, uh, some of those muffins, those little muffins.

And a note. Something personal. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Not too personal. He forgot to mention me in his A.F.I. speech.

Can you believe that? Add my name.

Okay.

People come to see your movies because you make them happy.

Call me crazy, but I don't see America coming out in droves to see you puke.

Besides, they want Mel Gibson for the role.

Oh. Is it about asses? Is it a butt movie? He wants it.

Get up! Get up! Get up! I had no idea.

The director will be back in two weeks.

They'll meet, they'll talk, they'll close the deal.

Good afternoon, Mr. Lang.

Good afternoon. Later, later.

wait a minute. Two weeks? Did you say two weeks? Good-bye, Mr. Lang.

Two weeks is perfect, Ang.

Two weeks is enough time. I want to test for the part.

Test? No, no, no.

Ang, listen to me. No, you listen to me.

You are not testing...

Look, my mind is made up. This means too much to me.

It's a giant step backwards. I'll pay for the damn test myself!

It sends out the wrong kind of message in this town.

Yeah, I want it to be big.

They'll try to get you for less... a lot less.

Ang, please? Just hold it for one second. Let me show you something.

Rosalie, please? Can you... I got this off the dish last night.

It came on after the Mets game. You gotta watch it. Sit, sit. I'll watch.

Go ahead. He escaped.

Lieutenant, four times this, uh, Party Crasher has aierted you...

before killing someone, and he still got away.

Do you care to comment on that?

Yeah, why don't you tie your dick in a knot?

Freeze! Slo-mo. Slo-mo.

Is that incredible?

Uh-huh.

Research, Ang.

Look at this face. Look at those eyes.

That's my character, Ang. That's my guide.

That's Ray Casanov.

That's the face of a man who's been to the edge.

That's the face of a man who's... who's... tasted fear.

And vomit. I wanna go to New York tonight. Uh, tomorrow at the latest.

Call the studio. Get them to set it up. Mm-mmm.

I wanna spend the next two weeks with this guy.

I wanna eat, sleep, breathe John Moss.

If I can just... I can taste his world, if I can walk his beat,

if I can get under his skin, I will nail this part, Ang!

Nicky, I love you. I love you too, Ang.

Then reality check. You can't leave town. Your movie opens Friday.

So what? So what?

I already booked Johnny, Barbara, Phil, Arsenio. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

Hey, look. Tell them to run an old one.

They're all the same anyway.

All they ask me about is the paternity suit.

Suits. Suits.

And what if this cop doesn't want you taggin' after him?

Come on, Ang, get real. Two pros exchanging ideas.

Why wouldn't he want to do it?

Bullshit! And I mean that with all due respect, sir.

I do. But there's no way.

There's no way on earth I am gonna babysit some Hollywood rump wrangler, okay?

I'm in the middle of a murder investigation.

Moss, you don't have a vote in this. You're off the case.

I mean, look at you. You're all busted up.

If it weren't for Lang, you'd be on injured leave.

So what's the problem?

Christ, you can't pull me off this case!

This... This Party Crasher has whacked out seven people.

Four of them right in front of us.

Now, he's nuts. I looked in his eyes.

You know what I saw there, Captain? Pleasure. He likes it.

He's gonna do it again. Soon. Today, maybe. Moss, you're off.

Mayor Dinkins insisted.

Evidently this Hollywood actor asked for you by name.

What? Yes. Come in. Benny.

Uh, wait for me outside. I got to talk to you.

All right, here's the story.

Pooley takes over for you.

You are breaking in a new partner named Ray Casanov.

Now evidently the guy just wants toblend in,

just be another cop on the job.

So nobody knows he's Nick Lang, okay? Yes, sir.

And, Moss, no action.

This guy so much as gets his hair messed up,

messed up, we are all in deep shit.

You understand me? Yes, sir.

Hey, John? Captain?

You got two ways to deal with this. You got the easy way. You got...

The hard way. Right. John.

Do us all a favor and make the right choice.

I always do.

Good.

Son of a bitch!

Uh, excuse me.

Hi. I'm looking for Lieutenant Moss.

Oh, God.

You... Fuck!

Oh, he's over there relaxing.

Fuck! Moss!

Yo, Moss! What? What?

You got company.

Hi, John.

Susan. Hi. I, uh...

Didn't expect to see you. Yeah.

Here, I mean. Not this morning. Uh-huh.

- Thank you, Billy. - Ah. You want to be alone?

So, you know, I tried calling you. I called you yesterday.

I called you this morning. Yeah, I know. I got all your messages.

And I would've called you actually, at home, but I lost your number.

Well, that happens. I lost my keys last week.

well, actually, my daughter Bonnie lost it.

Ah, well, you know, kids.

Yeah. So anyway, I just wanted to stop by and, uh,

let you know I wasn't mad at you even though you didn't show up for our date.

And I didn't think you were one of those Cro-Magnon jerks

who just stands people up. And, um...

Here you go. These are yours, right?

These? No, I- I-I quit. I don't smoke. These aren't mine.

Hi.

Thank you, Benny. Hi.

Hi. Bye.

And anyway, I know where you work

'cause I saw you on the news the other night.

You did? Yeah!

Great.

Yeah. It's a good thing Bonnie didn't see it.

I read lips, you know. Oh, no. That was taken totally out of context.

Okay? I mean, those reporters can be, like, real asshole...

Well, you know, real... irritating.

- Whoo! - Hey, hey.

So anyway... So I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doin' and...

I'm okay. I'm great. I'm doing good.

It's not like I wanted to go out or anything.

Right. Tonight.

Right. Around 8:00.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, well... So what are you doing, uh, for dinner tonight?

Oh, tonight? Yeah, around 8:00 or so.

Oh, well, you know, as a matter of fact, I have no plans.

Great. Okay, I'll call you.

We'll make a- a plan for a place to go and stuff.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Yeah'papi. Give me a kiss, baby!

Way to go, baby! Come on, take a bow, baby! Take a bow!

Yeah, yeah! Way to go!

All right. Here they are right here.

Hey, Moss, heard you got yanked. Sorry. Yeah.

Hey, that's too bad, John. Gee. Hey, you gotta be Casanov.

Fuckin'- A.

Yo, Casanov, you look a lot like that actor.

- Yeah, Nick Lang. - Only shorter.

A lot shorter.

Okay, ladies, let's get some real work done around here, huh?

Tea break's over.

Party Crasher briefing in the squad room. Let's go.

Psst!

I really am Nick Lang.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, uh, Lieutenant Moss, I...

I gotta tell you, I haven't been this jazzed since the Golden Globes.

I mean, a cop like you showing me the streets,

the two of us comparing scars.

I have had a couple of tough scrapes myself, you know.

I got rope burns on Smoking Gunn ll. I chafed for a month.

It was terrible. This place is great!

I mean, the look, the textures, the aroma.

I mean... I mean, it's like a movie, it's so real.

I'll tell you another thing, Lieutenant.

You don't have to worry about me screwing up.

I really did my homework on this one. I know police procedures.

I know all the police lingo. Hey, homeboy!

I'm in great shape.

My trainer's got me on Nautilus and the StairMaster,

so you don't have to worry about Nick Lang.

Ahh. Son of a bitch.

Caught me off guard there.

You know, Lieutenant,

I can't help but notice that I'm doin' most of the talking here.

Which is fine. Which is good.

I mean, I guess you're not much of a morning person.

And hey, can I relate to that.

Before Esperanza brings me that first cup

of cappuccino in the morning, I am toast.

- Forget about it. - Of course, it's decaf.

My nutritionist is tryin' to get me to cut down on caffeine. Whoa! Gee...

Turned a little early there.

You know, I was just wondering...

In the interest of really capturing the essence of the police experience,

do I get a gun?

For realism.

I mean, Lieutenant. Lieutenant, I mean, it's not like I'm gonna use the thing.

Although bullets would be nice.

Not if you tied my tongue to your tailpipe...

and drove me 80 miles an hour naked across a field of broken glass!

No! No! No! Is this about the actor?

I gave the little maggot a chance. I got to the bathroom and back.

He doesn't belong here. He belongs in never-never land...

with his personal trainer and his assistants

and his maid and his God knows who all.

The guy who wipes his ass after he pinches off his daily loaf, okay?

This is about the actor.

He wants to carry a loaded weapon.

Send that little jizz-ball in here.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Excuse me, gents. Sorry to interrupt.

Hi. Captain Brix?

Yeah. Nick Lang.

I understand you're in on our little secret.

Oh, Dave Dinkins sends his best, by the way.

Listen, I-I just wanted to thank you for all your help in making this possible.

I got to tell you...

my wife's crazy about you.

We are really big fans.

Well, uh, uh, what, uh... What's your wife's name?

Uh, uh, Norma. Well, Captain Brix, if it wasn't for people like you and Norma,

I'd be digging ditches, okay? So thanks.

Hey, wow!

I just got a great idea. Why don't you and Norma... Do you have kids?

Uh, no, we don't.

Okay, you and Norma come out to the coast, see the premiere of the movie.

Hell, I'll roll out the red carpet. You can stay at my house with me.

At your house?

Do you like the beach?

Uh, Captain, what we talked about, the little jizz-ball thing?

Yeah. Look, uh, would you... would you sign this?

Not a problem. Uh, Norma.

- Absolutely. Absolutely. Um... Norma. - Norma.

"Norma. Bang, bang.

Nick Lang. "

Thank you.

Thank you! Look, if there's anything myself or Lieutenant Moss can do for you...

You're doing it. Thanks. Okay.

Thanks, John.

"Bang, bang"?

Get my wife on the phone, would you?

Listen, Lieutenant Moss, I was thinking. You know, I don't really need the gun.

Lieutenant.

It's probably better to, you know, wait a couple of days anyway.

Until I get this whole cop thing down pat.

You know what I mean? It shouldn't be too tough. what have you got?

Coroner's report on that guy the Party Crasher took out at the club.

Well, of course, I'm off the case, but... Mm-hmm.

Yeah, look, Glaser safety bullets, hollow points.

That figures, right? Mm-hmm.

Custom-made. It has to be. Goddamn! Look at this thing!

Doesn't this look like that Darth vader-looking thing we took off the Dead Romeos?

That's right. Yeah, the Dead Romeos.

I wonder if they're buying from the same guy the Party Crasher is.

Might have to ask one of the Dead Romeos.

Uh, oh, not me, of course, 'cause, you know, I'm off the case.

- Yeah, sorry to hear you're off the case. - Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna be introducing my new partner, Ray Casanov here...

- to the pleasures of a frog dog. - Frog dog! Ray! Mmm.

Tasty!

Sir.

Frog dog? Ribbit!

Ah, look at this, man. I'm moving to Florida. I swear to God!

Get out of the way! Hey!

I guess cops can drive as fast as they want, huh?

Look, Moss, let's get on the same page here, okay?

I'm sensing that you're not completely happy with this situation.

That's fine, okay? 'Cause I'm here for one reason and one reason only.

You are the best. You're a heavyweight.

You're a Yoda among cops.

You know, Yoda? Little guy, big ears, real smart?

So it doesn't really matter what you think of me...

'cause I have all the respect in the world for you.

And that is where I'm comin' from.

Look, dickwad,

I don't give a rat's ass where you're comin' from, okay?

All I care about is where you're going.

See, this is good. We're talking.

where do I drop you off?

Where are you stayin'? What, the Plaza, the Regency?

Give me a name. I'm staying with you.

Maybe when my asshole learns to chew gum.

Hey, my bags are in the back. Look, I thought this was all arranged.

No. Not with me. Nobody arranged jack shit with me.

You know, this may come as a shock to you,

but a lot of people would be pretty excited to have Nick Lang in their home.

Great. Tell me where they live. I'll be happy to drop you off.

All right, listen...

No!

You listen, you egomaniacal little cockroach!

I got yanked off a case so you could get your rocks off being a cop groupie,

and now what, you want to live in my house?

I got a job to do, and I'm gonna do it.

I don't have time for anybody in my house, in this car, in my life...

who isn't, "A," a cop or, "B," the Party Crasher... You got it?

So that's what this is all about, isn't it? You're still after this guy.

Give me the name of a hotel or I bounce your ass

out at the next light and I don't downshift.

I don't know, Moss. You think that's a good idea?

I mean, personally,

I don't think Captain Brix is gonna like it.

You know, I mean, us being separated, you being back on the case.

Oh, man.

Although, I'm not gonna mention anything, because, hey,

if you can't trust your partner, who can you trust?

♪♪

What is that?

It's a rubber gun. I got it from props.

Just help me get into character till I get the real thing.

Great. Dickless Tracy.

Hey.

Stay here.

Hey, wait. How come I can't come with you?

Stay.

Hey, I sit and roll over too.

Oh, man.

Oh, this is beautiful.

This is amazing.

And swish.

Okay.

And tilt.

And...

I may have to kill you later.

Hey.

And I looked out, and he was wearing a Mr. T starter kit.

You hear this crazy ho? Yo, kill that dumb slut!

Police!

Fuck!

You need to get your ass over there. Ow!

- Don't fucking move! - Fuck, man!

Let's reacquaint ourselves. I'm Lieutenant John Moss.

And for those of you with real short attention spans, you are the Dead Romeos.

Not us, Lieutenant. We a reading group.

Shut up! Damn, man!

Fuck that.

Reading group, huh?

Well, these sure don't look like the classics to me.

Those are just shower gifts, homeboy.

I ain't your homeboy.

Okay?

Now what you want to do is you want to graduate from high school.

Get decent jobs.

Take a shot at white-collar crime. That's where the real money is.

Okay, pop quiz.

There's a shooter out there.

He's usin' hollow-point safety slugs in a retooled. 475.

Beefed up gun barrel. Laser sight.

Kind of like the gun I took off one of you little shits...

at the B & K Liquors last month, remember?

It wasn't us, man. Shh!

Yo! Yo!

I think the dude think he's Babe Ruth. Me too!

This is a custom-made gun.

It takes a specialist to make such a gun.

Turn the volume... I need a name.

Yo, we don't know nothin', babe. Get out the damn way!

I'm sorry, man. You know, I couldn't hear the name with the TV.

♪♪

Joe Gunn is back. In Smoking Gunn ll,

Nick Lang is once again Joe Gunn, who hates bad guys, loves bad giris.

Hey, Nick Lang. He's bad, man. Real bad.

That the reasonfor the shirt? Nick Lang is a faggot!

Yeah, um, I'm very into environmental causes,

and I think a lot of people don't know this.

All of my movies, including the Smoking Gunns'

are shot on biodegradable film stock.

Hey, Ang. Hey, Ang, it's me. It's Nicky.

Ang, you're never going to believe where I am.

♪♪ No, no, I'm not at the Russian Tea Room.

Ang, do me a favor, don't even guess.

I'm in a ghetto.

No. No, it's not a tour. Ang, I'm with Moss.

I've been in town two hours, I'm already in the middle of a murder investigation.

Can you believe that?

I'm gonna get this part, Ang. I'm soakin' this up.

You gotta see this place. It's like a... It's like the grit...

♪♪ the-the-the dirt, the crime, the human drama,

it's all around you... You can feel it in the air!

Hey! Hey! I need that phone!

I'm calling a cop! You know, there's a cop right inside here!

Come on.

Shit.

Just hang it up, okay? Hang it up. It's on my bill. Just... Shit!

Name, name. Come on, name.

Name, name. Fuck you! We don't know nothing.

- Witherspoon. - Are you crazy?

- Man, what the hell? Can't you see... - Shut up!

Shut up! Up!

Excuse me, I couldn't hear you. Who?

I said the dude's name is Witherspoon.

Where?

He moves around. Works out of a van. He sells guns.

- Whatever kind you want. - Moss! Moss!

John, I've been looking all over for you!

They stole my cellular phone, John, and I think it might have been a gang!

Hi, guys. How are you doing? Sorry to interrupt.

I told you to wait in the car, didn't I?

Hey, man, that kid looks just like Nick Lang.

Yeah, I know. Only shorter, right?

No, whiter.

Look, John, I'm sorry. It's just that they're real pissed off,

and I wouldn't be surprised if they came... I said wait in the car!

Oh, great.

Get down!

- Yo! I said get off my foot! - Get down!

I don't see no blood. Man, I don't see no blood.

Ah, chill, man. Oh, shit!

I've got to find my... Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh!

I think I lost a contact out there.

You told them I was in there?

You led them right to a rival gang, not to mention to me?

Hey, come on, I was tryin' to help.

Read my lips. Don't help me.

I had to call this in. Fourth Squad Lieutenant. 10-4.

There are over a dozen cops on their way, and I've got to explain to them...

what the hell you were doing in the middle of a gang war, jack-off.

Was that great? I knew they were a gang.

They had that kind of gang look. I- I got a knack for this.

Knack? You think you got a knack?

what was the license plate of the car?

Uh, uh, that was a... a New York plate, and they're blue, right?

You notice something a little different about our car?

They stole my bags!

Well, you should have locked them in the trunk.

You know, all my clothes were in those bags.

All my stuff!

At least they didn't steal your rubber gun.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Look at this. Look at this.

This could be a clue.

I think they're in this bar.

So?

So you gotta go in there. You gotta get my stuff.

Gotta?

Gotta? Listen, Nick. May I call you Nick?

I'd be more than happy to help you with your little problem here,

but, see, first, you gotta fill out the proper forms.

Then I gotta get assigned to the case.

Then you gotta wait a few days, weeks sometimes.

Then I gotta be lucky enough to catch a break in the case. Okay. Fine.

If that's the way you want to be about it, that's great. Don't worry about it.

Stay here. I'll go in there. I'll get my stuff.

I cannot wait.

Gee, Moss, we got to stop meeting like this,

you know. Look, Benny.

Benny, I'd really appreciate it if you left me out of the report on this one, okay?

Hi, Grainy, how you doin'?

The captain might not like it,

me getting the new guy shot at his first day on the job.

You know, I gotta get a new car out of impound, you understand?

Is that all the captain wouldn't like? What do you mean?

If I didn't know you any better,

I'd say you still had your mind on this Party Crasher business.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing you know me better, right?

Yeah, good thing. So where is Casanov?

They didn't have them.

And stay the fuck out!

It's been a bad day.

Oh, look at the Love Boat.

♪♪

You sure impound didn't have anything a little more low profile?

Frog dog, Billy. Sure thing, Lieu.

I'll have a frog dog too, Billy.

Hi, Bonnie. Is your mother home?

No. No, this isn't Mr. Tibor. This is J...

No, it's, uh, not Frankie either.

No, it's not Alphonse. Who are these...

Uh, what are these, like, guys your mom works with or something?

Uh, no, this is John Moss.

Ah, well...

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, good. Okay then, I'll call back later. Okay, bye.

- Yo, Bill. - How ya doing, Lieutenant?

Yeah.

Ah, whoo.

Frog dog, huh!

Next time, invite the kid.

Mmm.

What? On your date.

Bring the daughter along.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Oh. Do you have any Grey Poupon?

Single mother. Daughter never had a dad.

Doesn't trust men, especially the ones that have been hanging around her mom.

So now you wanna get next to this woman, but you can't catch a break from the kid.

I know, it's a gift.

why would I want to bring the daughter along? I mean...

Never mind. What the hell am I talking about this with you for?

Banzai!

Konnichiwa.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

- Oh, Bill. - Oh, Bill. Oh.

Good stuff. You eat like this all the time?

Probably not the best idea from a health point of view.

You know, if you...

be good to your bowels and they will be good to you.

Your nutritionist, right?

Do you want her number, John?

- Bravo, Bill. - Bravo!

Oh, Bill. Mmm!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Okay, knock that shit off, all right?

It's like carrying a goddamn mirror around.

Don't eat like me, don't sit like me, and do not smoke like me.

I'm tryin' to quit anyway. Yeah, me too.

And don't quit like me either, all right?

John, an actor's job is to... Lang, I don't care.

All right! Just stop! Okay. All right. Okay.

All right, tell me about the Party Crasher, all right?

What's this guy's program?

Now he-he-he kills four people right in front of you.

What does it take to do something like that?

The guy's nuts.

He's got too many birds in his antenna. I don't know.

I don't know what the hell it takes. He's crazy.

You ever kill anybody?

Counting today?

Come on, John. Look, my character kills this guy.

He's probably an innocent bystander. I just want to know what that's like.

You can't. Not by asking someone.

Will you open up?

I just wanna know what it feels like to be inside your skin.

I don't want you inside my skin, do you understand?

It's private! What's in there belongs to me!

You're not gonna learn what it means to be

a cop by eating hot dogs and picking your teeth...

and asking stupid questions!

We live this job! It's something we are, not something we do.

Every time a cop walks up to a car and has to give a speeding ticket,

he knows he may have to kill someone or be killed himself.

That's not something you step into by strapping

on a rubber gun and riding around all day.

You get to go back to your million-dollar beach house

and your bimbos and your blow jobs,

and you get 17 takes to get it right.

We get one take. It lasts our whole lives.

We mess it up and we're dead.

Fuck, was that great. I'm... Look, John,

could you just do that one more time for me?

Please?

John. Come... Oh, what...

John Moss... meaning of life.

John.

Fourth Squad Lieutenant, we have a homicide report in the churchyard,

14th and Second. Party Crasher M..

Wait here.

- What have you got? - Same story.

The prick called to say he's coming.

The trouble is the guy in the church, he figures it's a crank call.

Right.

So none of our guys ever had a shot at him.

Some crank call, huh? What do we know about the victim?

Hi, Benny, how you doin'? How you doin'?

Neighborhood transvestite, entertainer, singer.

Never had a chance, you know.

- Still no line on the killer, Moss? - What's this prick doing here?

Looks like he's got you completely turned around.

Hey, why don't...

hey, why don't you go tie your dick in a knot, huh?

Benny, can you write this up? What's with you?

I can't believe he'd just kill in broad daylight like that.

Maybe he's a big ham-bone like you, and he craves the attention.

Hey, Moss, you know what a big ham-bone like me hates more than anything else?

What's that? A bad review.

Hey, Frank! Frank!

You want an interview? Oh! Yes.

You got it. Make sure you get a shot of that body.

Okay. All right?

Lieutenant Moss, so what's your assessment of this Party Crasher?

Well, you don't need a shrink to tell you that this guy's a raving psycho.

Come to think of it, he may not even be a man.

I doubt he's got the equipment for it. He's probably a pervert.

what is your assessment of the Party Crasher?

You don't need a shrink to tell you this guy's a raving psycho.

Come to think of it, he may not even be a man.

I doubt he has the right equipment for it. He's probably a pervert.

whoever he is, he is gutless, he is pathetic,

and when his iuck runs out, I am gonna be on him like a bum on a bologna sandwich.

You got that, you chickenshit, wherever you are?

That's a promise from me to you.

Me to you.

Me to you.

Me to you.

Me to you.

Me to you. Me to you.

Me to you. Me to you.

Me to you. Me to you.

Me to you. Me...

Whoa.

Look at this. When's your housekeeper coming?

My what? Well, you know.

You think all cops live in filth just 'cause it's that way in the movies?

No. It's just that, you know,

you gotta admit, John, filth has a certain reality to it,

a certain edge.

Not that this doesn't.

I mean, this is very fresh, very unexpected.

Hey, you play piano?

♪♪ Look who's back in town.

Where there's fire, there's smoke.

Where there's smoke...

Do you know the high part?

My dad played.

Ah! Now that's what I mean.

Cop's dad plays piano.

I mean, that... that's a great notion. I love that.

It's got its own reality. It's got its own authenticity.

Yet, it's very unexpected. It's very authentic. It's my life.

Too bad I can't use it. It's... Nobody'd believe it. I...

Hey, look at this.

Got my billboard down the street.

Good. You'll be sleeping close to the one you love.

- Hi, Nicky, how are you? It's Stacy. - Stacy?

I found you.

Stacy? What, you gave out my number at home?

John, people find me wherever I go. It's like a curse.

I mean, do you think I like not having any privacy?

Bye-bye now.

Hi, Nicky, it's me. I'd love to get together with you...

Hi, Nicky, it's Roger.

Roger. I knew it. Hi, Nicky, it's me, Francine.

Remember me from the Ramada Inn? Oh. wait.

John! whoa! Francine... she's got a sister. I'll never forget it.

John, we could... The Ramada Inn? Jesus!

Thank you, John. Hi, it's Susan.

Susan! Oh, shit.

Hi, it's Susan.

Uh, you didn't call, so I thought I'd call you...

Oh, uh, we were supposed to be, uh, at Sal's, uh, for pizza at, uh, 8:00.

Oh, man! Anyway, uh, call me when you get in.

Okay, um, all right, bye.

Oh, good hands, buddy! Good hands! Put it up!

Put it up, John! Put it up! Come on!

Jam it!

♪♪

John Moss... the private side.

What have we got here? Bill.

Con Ed.

Huh. Ooh, a little over on your MasterCard, John.

In the fridge we got three beers, domestic,

baking soda, some kind of mystery meat.

Whoa! Ew!

Some very old cheese.

Pretty lacking in vitamins "B," "C" and "E." Explains the temper, John.

Closet. Socks... green, black.

Gun.

Gun.

It's my life!

It's my life.

No shit, punk! It's my life!

What's the matter? Find a split end?

You know, I've been counting.

John, you have seven different facial expressions.

So a date, huh?

It'd be a real education to see what you're like with a woman.

You know, in a situation fraught with sexual tension.

Don't suppose you want to make it a threesome, huh?

- Eight facial expressions. - Nine, 10. Wow!

All right, I'll tell you what. I don't have to go.

I'll just, uh... You'll do what you do in Hollywood.

Rum drinks, fern bar, gerbil racing.

Take that gun out of your pants before you shoot your dick off.

Gerbil racing. Not bad.

♪♪

So what are we getting?

Uh, I don't know. Uh, you wanna share, what, an extra large, everything on it?

You like anchovies? I...

hate... love anchovies.

They're my favorite part, no? I hate them.

Right. Okay. Good.

Well, why don't we get a pizza half with anchovies, half without.

How's that? Brilliant, huh?

Sometimes they slide over to the other side.

That's only when the cook forgets to kill them first.

You haven't told us how you got hurt.

Oh, uh, it was just a little accident on the job.

There's nothing much to tell, really.

A little accident? Yeah. Yeah.

Now come on, this is our third date...

Our fourth date... And you know everything there is to know about me.

You know where I was born, you know about my mother and father.

You know the names of Bonnie's teachers.

- How much you weigh. - You know how much I weigh.

And I know that you're a cop who hates to talk about himself.

I don't hate to talk about myself.

Yeah, you do. Yeah, I do.

So I'll tell you what.

Bonnie and I aren't gonna say another word

until you tell us something personal about you.

Something you love, something you hate.

Something I hate. John? John Moss! Come...

Unbelievable. You, me, same place, same night.

What are the odds of something like that happening?

They say New York's a big town.

You know, somebody told me that Sal's had great pizza.

And I figured it was either here or the sushi bar.

I hate those drunken sushis.

Bonnie, right? You must be Bonnie.

John said you had a great laugh.

And Susan. Hi. Ray Casanov. Hi.

John's partner. Nice to finally meet the woman who turned this big lug's head.

You know, you look just like Nick Lang.

You think so? Do you like Nick Lang?

I used to when I was little. I like Mel Gibson now.

Well...

I love him. I love Mel Gibson.

Moss? Yes.

I got a table ready for you upstairs. Oh, great, great.

And great to see you, Ray. You're probably headed the other way.

So don't become a stranger. Nice jacket, by the way. Do you wanna eat with us?

No, he couldn't do that. No. I mean, I spend all day with John.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm his partner, and we're staying together.

♪♪

Crash.

Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash.

...wherever you are. That's a promise from me to you.

You to me? You to me, huh?

Me to you.

Me to you.

Me to you.

Me to you.

- You to me. No, you. Me to you. - Me to you.

Me to you. Me to you!

...to you. Me to you!

♪ Silly girl ♪ ♪ Shame on you, your mama said ♪

- ♪ Siliy girl ♪ - ♪ Shame on you -you cried in... ♪

♪ Silly girl ♪ ♪ Shame on you You told a lie ♪

♪ Big girls don't cry ♪

- Everybody! - ♪ Big girls ♪

♪ Don't cry ♪

♪ They don't cry ♪

Come on, John. Come on. Come on. ♪ Big girls ♪

Sing along. Come on. ♪ Don't cry ♪

You forget the words?

♪ An alibi ♪♪ She showed me some leg.

I tell you, I went nuts.

I wanted to take her right there in the office,

bone her on the desk!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that the one from payroll with the jugs?

Oh, man! I get a world-class woody every time I go down there!

Hey, guys! We got some ladies here.

Ooh! Bet that's a first!

John, it's okay. Just forget about it.

It's not okay. Your daughter's here.

Don't worry. I know what a woody is.

How do you know what a woody is?

Hey, John, why don't we move to another table, huh?

What do you say? In the corner or something?

Guys, I told you. Keep it down.

- Man, keep this down! - Yo, Jay! You faggot!

Yeah, you, you're the homo with the flowers on your tie! Excuse me?

Hey! Hey! What's your problem?

- What did you say? - I got one for you! Right here, babe!

John, forget about it!

Hey, asshole! Sit down!

Get in the chair! Hey!

- Get on the table! - Break his face!

This is ridiculous! Come here! Hey, leave him alone!

Sit down. Leave him alone!

I would sit down.

I said sit down!

It's all right, folks. I'm a police officer, uh...

Ray, uh, show them your badge, will you?

Oh, uh, N.Y.P.D. N.Y.P.D.

And call Midtown. Tell them it's a 10-85 forthwith.

Forthwith. All right, can we go now? I think Bonnie's seen enough.

Go on, get in the chair. Hey, get down there!

Put your hands on the table!

I gotta go to the precinct.

I gotta fill out the paperwork. Can't Ray do that?

I said put your hands on the table. No, he can't.

All right, well, maybe he can escort us home.

Hey! Susan.

It was great! Ooh!

Susan.

Hey. They got home okay. Oh, you.

Look, I'm sorry about Sal's. I was gonna show up, meet them and leave.

I had no idea they were gonna ask me to stay.

She's nice though... Susan. So's Bonnie. You decided to take her along, huh?

She hates me. Buy her a pony.

I'm-I'm talking about Susan. So buy her a horse.

Hey, can I get a beer, please?

Come on. Susan? Susan doesn't hate you. She's just getting to know you.

You gotta... I don't know. Can I offer you a little advice?

No, you can't. No. No. No.

Loosen up a little bit, okay?

Seriously, just, you know, let her in.

Bare your soul a little. Hollywood horseshit.

Where'd you get that last one from, your Scientology guru?

I can help you, John. I'm serious.

I got it. Pretend I'm Susan.

What?

Come on. Go with me, John. This is what I do.

I spend half my life pretending I'm other people.

Now if you let your hair down and loosen up a little bit,

you might learn something, okay?

Now, I'm Susan, you're John.

No, you're sick, and I'm thirsty. Thanks very much.

Okay, listen, maybe I can get us started here.

Ah, ah. Ahh.

Well?

Well, what?

Talk to me, John.

Tell me what I want to hear.

Get away from me. This is... This guy.

See, you never talk to me. You always keep me at a distance.

You treat me like I'm some sort of princess that you can't even touch.

Well, maybe I want to be touched, John. Hey, hey.

Maybe I want to be manhandled.

This is really crazy. Don't do this to me here, okay?

- Other men have no problem talking to me. - What other men?

What other... Can I get a Dubonnet, please, with a twist?

What other men? Is she seeing other men? Now he wants to talk?

No, listen. Lang! Susan.

Lang. Whoever. Susan. Susan.

Is she seeing... Susan.

Is she seeing other men? Just...

Frankie? Alphonse? Hmm?

Mr. Tibor? Come on. Who? Come on.

Susan.

Hi.

Sus...

S- S...

Susan.

Susan!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yes, John?

Is she...

Are you seeing other men?

No, John. It's only you.

That's why it's so hard. I want you, John. Just...

But you just won't let me in.

Thank you. Just a little...

Ridiculous. Um, this is... I thought you were quitting for me.

This is too damn strange, all right?

No. I'll tell you what's strange. That somebody so strong and so in charge...

isn't really confident in who he is. That's bullshit!

Oh, don't you take that tone with me.

Look... honey.

Honey's good.

Ever since my divorce, yes, it's true.

Every time I get serious about a woman, I do get a little scared.

What do you mean every time? How many women have there been, John?

Well, none, except for my wife and... And me.

And you. Not you. But you know. That's it.

So how do you know you get scared every time?

Well, be...

We... See, this is just like a woman.

You turn it around, you give it a twist, you stick it in.

God! God! You know what? I am out of here.

Good-bye. Keep your little Dubonnet. I'm gone.

Ah, men.

You son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

I can't even go to the bathroom!

Mr. Witherspoon.

Hey.

Not looking for the repeat customers, I guess, huh?

Ooh. Givin' me a hard-on here.

Might want to try skipping a meal every now and then.

Somewhere there's a small country going hungry.

What's the matter with this guy? Cat got your tongue?

We don't know who got it.

Got bit off in a street fight last year.

He won!

That's my daughter.

Beautiful. Thank you. She's with me once a month.

Likes to play while I do business. Speaking of business here...

Speaking of business.

Our mutual friend, I'm sure, has indicated to you...

that I'm looking for a bored-out .45 that can't be traced.

Something that's not gonna blow up in my hands.

I can't help you. You got the wrong person.

I don't know nothin'from guns.

Right. This man sounds like a cop.

Cop? I'm not a cop.

why? Just 'cause I don't like being fondled in public by some fat guy with a crush?

It's a joke. It's a joke.

I got money here, you know.

I got plenty of money, Mr. Witherspoon. I got...

Hey! Mr. Witherspoon, look. Hey. No, no. It's just...

I got nowhere else to turn, okay?

See, there's this guy. He's all over me.

Okay? It-It's a friggin' nightmare.

He's forced his way into my life.

He's told me face-to-face that he wants to be me.

He moved into my apartment, moved into my house,

you know, moved into my job.

You know, what's next? Huh? You know, my old lady. I know it.

It's getting to where everywhere I look, I see his smiling face.

I turn on the goddamn TV, and I hear his voice,

yaka-ta-ta-ta-ta at me all the time.

You gotta help me. I have got to get rid of this guy. Please.

Passionate man.

Watch Julie for me.

Thank you.

Come to Papa.

No!

Moss! Uh, hi. It's Susan.

Oh, hi, Susan. Um, is John not home?

No. No. John's not here. Maybe later he'll be home.

No.

No, I... I'm not quite sure.

Do you think we could have lunch? Lunch?

What, me and you? Yeah, you and me.

Oh, Susan, that would be... That'd be great.

Okay. Good. Say 12:00? Yeah.

Right. Got it.

Okay. I'll be there. Uh-huh.

If I'm not still handcuffed to the goddamn sofa!

I have to be careful.

You understand.

The police frown on the guns I make.

People have occasionally used them...

for socially irresponsible acts,

but what am I supposed to do?

Exactly.

Thank you. Thank you.

This is it. This is just what I was looking for.

It is a beautiful gun.

Oh, by the way, remember when I said I wasn't a cop?

I was acting. Not bad, huh? No training.

Can you believe people get paid for that?

Don't even think about it. You made a gun like this recently...

with a laser sight for someone else.

Tall guy, muscular build, short hair.

You're gonna help me find him. What did he do?

He's been blowing holes in people all over the city.

The Party Crasher? Where is he now?

I... I didn't know.

He... He meets me.

Gives me some design specs.

I do 'em. I figure he was a gun fanatic.

He's waiting for a gun I got now in the shop.

well, you're gonna meet him tomorrow. You got it?

...Okay.

Sorry I'm late. It's just been one of those mornings.

- Couldn't get out of bed? - No. I mean, no.

I... No, I just... Um, just, you know, busy down at the precinct.

And, um, you know, this and that. Anyway, you already order?

Yeah. Well, I didn't know if you were gonna come later on. That's all right.

I'll just find something real quick here.

Uh, all right. Okay. Excuse me.

Oh!

I, uh, took this... This perp in this morning,

and-and... and I... And I lost the key.

I, um... Down a drain.

After I uncuffed him.

Okay. Can I have the number 6?

I'd like that with romaine instead of iceberg lettuce,

sprouts if they're fresh and a mustard vinaigrette on the side.

No. You can have what's on the menu though.

Can I have an Evian with lemon? I got tap water with ice.

Fine.

The reason I asked you here is... well, is John.

Um, you guys are pretty close, right? Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course.

Might even say John's been sort of a role model for me.

On our first date, I thought, "Wow, who is this guy?"

You know, he's just... I mean, he was so attentive,

and he was so giving, and he was such a good listener.

But by the second and third date,

I thought, "You know,

I wish this guy would loosen up a little bit. "

You know, maybe talk about himself.

Maybe he's just not interested.

Oh, he is. Yeah?

Susan, believe me.

Well, see, I just met you, and how come I feel closer to you than I do to him?

Well, that's...

I mean, we haven't even slept together yet. Well, no.

I want to.

I used to have a speech impediment. I couldn't say no.

Bonnie cured me of that. She cured me of a lot of things.

Never thought I'd date a cop.

What's it like?

It's kinda hard to... put into words, but...

I mean, we live this job.

It's something we are, not something we do.

You can't become a cop by strappin' on a gun and ridin' around all day.

Every time a cop walks up to give someone a speeding ticket,

he knows he might have to kill someone or be killed himself.

But all people know about this job is what they see in the movies.

Well, in the movies they get 17 takes to get it right. We get one take.

And it lasts our whole lives.

We mess it up,

and we're dead.

Wow.

I wish John would express himself like that.

You know, like...

I'm sorry. I just get...

It's nice having a police escort home.

You like kids?

Yeah, yeah. Kids are, uh... Kids are great.

They're like little people.

You were a big hit with Bonnie last night.

Well, Bonnie's great.

Susan, listen.

This isn't right. Okay?

I know where this is going, and it's all wrong. what's all wrong?

It happens to me all the time, okay? Believe me.

But it's best if we drop it now. Okay?

We just put it behind us, and nobody'll get hurt.

Ray, I don't... I don't know what it is. Maybe...

Maybe it's 'cause I look like Nick Lang, you know,

and women seem to go for that boyish type. No...

But it's not fair to John. Ray, wait a minute. Did you think...

I mean, this isn't about yo...

I mean, you don't think I'm attracted to you?

You know.

No, no. Come on. No. You attracted to me?

No. Come on. Why... Why would you be attracted to me? I'm sorry.

Of course, you know, maybe if you got to know me better.

Move it!

- Look at this. - Shit!

- What have we got here? - Hey. Leave her alone.

Don't worry. Shh. He's a cop.

Ray. Yeah, but it's-it's not my jurisdiction.

Yeah, but, Ray, you gotta do something. I'm serious. Transit cops...

get very bent out of shape if you butt in on their busts.

- This is a piece of useless junk. - Grandma!

What else you got? Move over.

Stop it!

Ray!

Punks! Leave her alone!

Shut up! Give me my purse!

Where's the cash? Take the money! Take the money!

Ray, you gotta stop 'em! All right. All right.

Shut the fuck up!

All right, fellas. Hold it right there. N.Y.P.D.

Hey, fuck off, pig!

What'd you say?

Shit!

Holy shit! Let's get the fuck outta here!

Are you a cop or aren't you?

All right. You're under arrest!

You pig!

Oh, shit! What the fuck's wrong?

- It's locked! - What do you mean it's locked?

Let's get the fuck outta here!

- Freeze! - Die, pig!

What am I doing?

What are you...

Get outta here!

Motherfucker!

Somebody call a cop!

I mean, another cop besides me.

It could be a hostage situation. Be cool.

- Come on! Let's go! - Come on, man. We gotta get out of here!

Shoot him already!

Don't make me use this!

Ray's pinned down, and he won't shoot 'cause all the people standing around.

Ray? Get her out of here.

Fuck!

- What are you doing? - Damn! Fuckin' locked!

He's out of bullets.

He's out of bullets!

Then go get him.

Uh...

Uh, police report will look better with your name on it, John.

Damn it!

Come on, come on!

Kill him, man! Kill him! Jesus Christ!

Fuck.

Shoot him. Oh, shit!

Step back, motherfucker! I'm gonna blow your head off!

Step back! I'm not joking!

Thanks for the warning.

Up against the wall and keep your mouth shut!

Boy, I could've done that.

I was right. No bullets. You were wrong.

Misfire. We'll talk later.

I better get this job.

Oh, Ray, what happened? You okay?

Oh, I'm fine. Can I talk to my partner for a second? Excuse me.

What the hell's going on, huh? Coincidence, right?

You wanted to see a subway in New York, and of all the subways you wanted to see,

you just happened to be on the one that Susan was on!

I invited him to lunch. You what?

Yeah. Look. I can explain.

- There's nothing to explain. - You don't have to explain.

First you bust up our date at the pizza parlor. Next thing I know,

you're having lunch with my girlfriend!

Cut the jealousy bit, John. You got no right.

I... You could take a few pointers from a guy like Ray.

He knows how to deal with people.

And from what I could see, he's probably a better cop.

While you were probably off trashing another pizza parlor,

he was dealing with real felons without losing his head.

Good-bye. Call me.

I can't believe... I can't believe she... You just kissed him?

You kissed his face?

Where are my handcuffs? I have to pay for those out of my own pocket.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Why would you handcuff me to the bed?

Is that a usual thing you do? Are we going down to the station now?

I was good in there, John. Seriously. Major cojones!

So what is this? What? What?

I know. Okay. I know. I left him on his own.

Guilty as charged, sir. But... the guy's okay, right?

I mean, not that that's any excuse.

And I know it's really not music to your ears that all this happened...

while I was working on the Party Crasher case,

but before you say what you have every right to say, sir,

would you just listen to one thing?

I know where the Party Crasher's gonna be tomorrow. I know when.

If we get every available car on this,

call the shots ourselves for once, we can drop this guy cold.

- How do we do that? - He's gonna pick up a gun tomorrow.

We get there first. Okay?

Get Pooley, Grainy and anybody else you can round up.

Yes. Captain, thank you. Okay. Great. Okay.

Okay. Now I get rid of this guy Nick Lang...

No, Moss, you stay with Lang,

and you do what I told you to do and stay off this case.

Until this guy goes home, he does not leave your sight,

not to floss, not to clip his toenails, nothing.

And if you two go near anything more dangerous than a coffee shop,

you'll be an ex-policeman, like that!

- You can't do this to me, sir. - Oh, yes, I can. Watch me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Geez. Yes, sir.

Look. I'm not giving up on this case.

I don't give a shit what your good buddy Captain Brix says.

This maniac's gotta be stopped, and I'm gonna do it.

I'm the one tracked him down today. Me.

Anything comes of it, I'm gonna be there when they take this prick down...

With you, without you, whatever. You got it?

- Hey, John, about Susan. That was not... - I don't want to talk about it.

All right. Okay.

Crasher task force unit. Male caller...

states he has the Party Crasher at 1412 Second.

Repeat. This may be the Party Crasher. Units responding?

Six blocks away.

Shit. I don't like it.

No backup. I don't like you being here.

I don't like playing wet nurse.

Could've gotten yourself killed in that subway today.

Figure if you're gonna be here, you got a right to protect yourself.

Loaded.

That is the trigger.

Do not move from this car!

You sit here, you watch that door.

If he comes out, you tell me which way he went, period!

You got it? That gun is only for emergencies.

Right.

You got it? I got it, I got it, I got it. It's for emergencies.

Don't move! Police!

John? Shit!

- Moss? - Look out! Get down!

Get down! Get out, Lang!

Holy shit, John! He's coming right at me! What do I do?

Get back to the car! Call for backup!

Go, Lang! Get out now! I'll go call for backup!

You got him?

Jesus, Lang, what'd you do?

What?

You shot the wrong guy.

Wrong guy? Jesus, Lang.

Where's the shooter, the guy with the gun?

This is some street guy just trying to get out. Jesus Christ, Lang. Jesus!

What do you mean? You didn't tell me there was more than one guy.

This guy doesn't even have a gun. Didn't you look? I can't...

Damn it!

He's dead. Oh, God! Oh, God.

I can... I ju... I just...

It's over. It's over for me. My life is over!

What am I... What am I talking about?

I killed... I killed an unarmed guy! A street guy.

Give me your gun. What?

Give me your gun! Get in the car. You're arresting me.

Shut up! Get in the car, and let me think! I'm going.

Go on! Get in! Damn it!

Ah, Jesus.

Oh, God.

All right. You're a civilian who just shot an unarmed man...

with a police-issue weapon, and I let you do it.

If you take the rap for this, we both lose our careers.

But if I tell 'em I did it,

maybe I can make it look a little more heroic.

Maybe. My fingerprints are on this gun.

You were never here. You understand? You were never here.

I was never here. I was never here.

I was... I was...

I was never here. I was... never here.

You're an actor, Nick. Pretend it never happened.

Go back, host some charity ball, save some whales,

whatever it takes to make it okay.

How can I forget? You can't.

There's gonna be an investigation, right? I've been through 'em before.

Oh, man.

How come you're doing this for me, John? I don't know.

Listen. If you need anything, you know, money, suit for the trial, a lawyer...

I'll call you as soon as I get back.

No, no. whatever you do, never call me. You understand?

Right.

John.

Nick.

Continental Airlines Flight 23 to Los Angeies...

is now ready for boarding at Gate 112.

All those passengers in first class as well as...

Thank you.

Hi. May I have your ticket, please?

What the hell am I doing?

Where's Moss?

China. China, where's Moss? Wherever you're not.

Look. Whatever he said he did, he did it for me.

He didn't even do it. I did it.

- What? - I want to make a full confession.

Do I look like a priest?

Don't try talking me out of it, all right?

'Cause my mind's made up. What is he doing?

"Moss! Moss! Help me, Moss!

He's coming straight at me. What should I do?"

So I come bursting through the door like a maniac,

and this imbecile... His eyes are completely closed...

Squeezes off a few shots.

So I slap my chest, go flying down the stairs head over heels,

and land right on top of the fucking guy.

Now he's sittin' there...

I'm dyin' on a piss, holding my breath.

The next thing I know is Moss is going into

this incredible performance, going, uh,

"Oh, don't worry, Nick. It's okay. " Um,

"I'll take the fall for you. You go back to Hollywood. "

And he believes him!

It was unreal.

So finally he sticks the kid on a plane, and he gets him out of his hair.

- Moss is back on the case. - Yeah, he's on that sting operation.

Oh...

Nick. Nicky, baby!

- You sharpshooter. - We heard about you!

"Never happened, Nick. I'll take the fall for you, Nick. "

Son of a bi... You stupid!

Stakeouts. Do you get hemorrhoids sitting here? Seriously. I mean, forever?

Yeah, I think I had hemorrhoids the last 13 years.

Oh, I hate it. Can't do nothin' about it.

I'm gonna try hypnosis.

That shit don't work.

Something's gotta work.

With you, I don't know what works.

Well, love certainly isn't doing it.

He's half an hour late.

I don't like it.

Man, I don't like this either. You know, I could've been home...

watching the Nacho Prince against the Cutchi Frido Kid, you know.

Wrestle Mania 14. Pay-per-view.

And I'm fucking over here hanging out with you.

Oh, shit! Here he comes!

Our boy. That's him.

We got contact. Stay on your toes. Wait for the signal.

It's beautiful. Thank you very much.

It's beautiful!

Damn it!

I bet you can hear me, Lieutenant Moss. I'll just bet you can hear me.

I think it's time we had a talk.

I think it's time we got to know each other.

See, obviously, you just don't understand what I'm trying to do.

Don't make me kill him!

High noon.

Moss, watch your ass, man.

Relax, Benny.

Yo!

Close enough.

I've been looking forward to this.

Meeting my opponent.

Tell me, Lieutenant,

Why are you doing this?

Doing what, exactly?

Why are you treating me like a criminal?

I don't know. Because... you are one.

No, I'm not.

You're a police officer.

You should understand what I'm trying to do.

We're playing the same game, Lieutenant.

We're hooked into the same program.

I haven't done anything wrong... anything.

I killed a pimp. I killed a drug dealer.

I kill the people that make your life difficult.

- You killed a four-year-old girl. - You sacrifice pawns.

You play chess, Lieutenant?

I would've been a great cop.

Better than you.

'Cause I'm smarter than you.

I'm smarter than you, and I'm better than you.

I'm better than you are!

Okay. Okay. You wanna be a cop?

Uh... Maybe, you know, it's not too late.

I could put in a word. We could work something out.

Hey, Lieutenant.

You think I'm stupid?

Well, I was... hoping you were stupid,

but no, I... I don't think you're stupid.

A little crazy maybe.

Don't shoot! He'll blow the place up. I'm standing in this shit!

Game's over!

Game over!

Go! Go!

♪♪

You stupid idiot!

All Crasher units. Crasher on foot...

heading west on 75th Street near Broadway. Shit.

♪♪

Hey! Hey!

♪♪

Fourth Squad Lieutenant. I'm, uh, at the Beacon Theater,

74th and Broadway in pursuit of the Party Crasher.

There you are, you son of a bitch.

Police officer. Can I help you?

You see a man, red shirt, blond hair? No. Wh-wh-Wh...

If you see him, do not interact with him. Uh...

♪♪

Police. Yeah. Where's your badge?

Uh... Where... Hey!

Hey! Come back here! Shit!

Hey, move outta the way. I didn't pay to see your butt.

Put a cork in it.

Hey, guys. I'm over here.

Oh, brother.

Oh! Oh, my God! No!

No! No! No, God, no!

No, no!

Moss, look out!

Oh, God! Jesus!

Stay down! Stay down!

Joe, you gotta help me!

Hang on! I'm coming!

Joe!

Okay. Hold it. Freeze!

Hey!

Hey, asshole!

Moss!

Keep him alive for trial. That's all I ask.

That's it. What the hell is he doing here?

This guy's a murderer. You don't even have a gun.

Moss! What? What? What?

You're a dead man!

It'll be easy. I killed once, I can kill again, right?

Look. I was gonna leave a message on your phone machine, all right?

You made me think I killed somebody.

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Would you stop hitting me in the face.

You got a minute?

Okay. Lock it up.

You wanted to know what it feels like to be a cop.

You wanted to know what it feels like to kill someone.

Well, now you know. It feels like shit, huh?

I finally know...

what it feels like to be you.

It sucks.

Susan, me...

We wanted to like you.

But no, nobody gets in, right? It's private.

Well, that's not what I call it, John.

I call it lonely.

Hey, Nick.

Ow! Damn!

I hate when he does that. Is that what they call male bonding?

Yeah, it's like talking to my ex-wife.

I'm so stupid! So...

Just keep driving.

You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

Shut up, and keep driving.

You know, I hate it when people don't say "please. "

Slow down!

I got a growth in my head the size of a summer squash.

Doctor says I got a month to live, so...

You're shitting me. No, I'm not shitting anything. See, that's the problem.

It starts with a tumor, and it goes to the colon. Hey!

I'm driving here! I'm driving here!

Let's go out like men, you and me, huh? Let's go out with a bang!

You pull over right now! Drop the gun!

I said pull over. Pull the fuck over! Drop the gun! Drop the gun!

Drop the gun. Stop the car.

Drop the gun! Stop the car.

Drop the gun!

I knew you'd see things my way.

Yeah. 10-4. This is Officer Casanov.

I got the Party Crasher in the back of my unit.

I got him all gift wrapped for delivery.

No need to thank me. It's all part of the job.

Over and out.

You want something done right, goddamn it, call an actor.

No. That was a... A riveting performance.

- Yeah. Thanks, Crash. - Now eat this.

I hate your movies!

A little glamor found its way into the Fourth Precinct today.

We're here with box office champ Nick Lang,

star of the new smash, Smoking Gunn ll.

Lang spent last night at NYU Hospital...

after a life-and-death struggie with the notorious Party Crasher.

I asked him, "what was it like being face-to-face with a reai-life bad guy?"

Well, Tammy, it wasn't a lot of fun.

I kept waiting for someone to yell "Cut. "

Despite Lang's heroics,

the Party Crasher is still at large.

Detectives are working around the clock.

Hey. Next time bring your keys, okay, asshole?

You have a lot of explaining to do! Susan, hi.

what is it with you and this so-called partner?

Or should I say box office champ Nick Lang?

I can explain. You lied to me.

I didn't. He lied to me.

He's a liar.

What is this, some kind of a joke or something?

No. Sweetheart, it's-it's... God. It's not a joke, okay?

It's, um...

It's this thing that just kinda got out of hand. All right? Can you sit down?

- I don't want to sit down. - Please, okay?

I, uh...

I...

The way I feel about you,

I haven't felt about a woman in a long, long time.

So, you know, maybe we could, uh...

You know, start over. You know, I mean...

Ah.

This is hard to say.

But...

I've been thinking a lot about it, and...

we can't have a relationship.

Sure we can. See, 'cause I can change. I'll try harder.

No, it's not that. It's not you. You're fine.

It's what you do. It's, um...

It's... It's all the violence.

I have spent my life trying to run away from that.

I cannot put Bonnie in a position where she doesn't know...

if her father's gonna come home alive every night or not.

Yeah, uh... Yeah, I understand. Sure.

Yeah, cops are too angry, too violent,

too risky to care about...

until you need one, then...

Then we're the Second Coming, aren't we? Yeah. I, uh...

I understand that one all right.

Susan?

Sweetheart, I'm... John, I figured it out.

Aw, shit! I figured it out. The Crasher's coming here.

He's coming here to get you. Yeah, right, Nick. Please, okay?

It's the third act, John. It's the third act.

The killer always tries to get revenge on the cop in the third act.

It makes it more personal.

What is this, some kind of story conference?

This is real life, Nick, where the killer

stays as far away from the cops as possible.

Now look. Pack your shit and get out of here.

Don't you get it?

All right. Okay. Maybe he doesn't go after you.

Maybe he goes after someone close to you.

Or maybe he decapitates your horse... or boils your rabbit!

I don't have a horse. I don't have a rabbit.

And I don't have anyone close to me. Susan!

That's what he's gonna do. He's gonna try to hurt Susan.

Wrong. Susan just dumped me.

Any other bright ideas? What do you mean Susan just dumped you?

Didn't you just see her in the elevator? No.

You... You didn't... pass her in the lobby? No.

Hello? It's me, John. I got your girl here.

What I really want is you. Where are you?

Well, I'm at the top of the worid with your buddy Nick Lang.

Come on, you scumbag. Where are you?

Well, you're the detective. You figure it out.

Let me speak to Susan. She's an angel, Moss, but she doesn't have wings.

Get it?

Oh, God. Oh, God, no!

"On the top of the world with your buddy Nick Lang. "

Yeah. Whoo!

♪♪

You don't have to do this, you know. Yeah, I know.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Susan, grab my hand! Grab it!

Oh!

Oh!

Susan. Susan?

Oh. Oh, Jesus!

Oh, God!

Grab my hand! Reach!

Yes!

Come on! Come on!

Oh, God!

You're not a real hero.

People need real heroes!

All right. wait, wait! Wait, wait! Hold on! You got me?

Okay. Okay. Don't let go.

Quit smoking, you little cockroach!

Come on. All right.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Where's Nick? - I got him! I got him!

I'm gonna get that son of a bitch!

Susan! Susan!

Yo, yo! Check this out, man. Check it out. Look.

John, help!

Susan! Susan!

Oh, God. Susan!

Hang on!

Oh, God! Just... Just hang on!

Son of a bitch!

- John! - Don't let go, and don't look down!

Okay! Oh!

I think he went to get your gun.

I'll take care of him. You go after her.

Oh, no! John!

Ah, my shoe! Aw, shit. That was a Ferragamo.

Hurry!

Ah, Susan!

Ah, damn it!

Damn it!

I'm coming!

Susan!

Hurry!

It's okay. All right. I'm coming down.

Oh, I hate these fucking billboards.

Okay. You gotta reach, Susan. Grab my wrist.

All right. Oh, my God!

Oh!

- Grab my wrist. - Oh, my God!

Hurry!

Hey, asshole!

Come on. Okay, got you.

You prick. I will kill you!

I'll kill you!

Go on. Kill me, fuck!

Ooh! Son of a bitch!

Hello!

Good-bye.

This isn't the movies, stupid!

Nick! Oh, God.

John, it's okay. It's okay. I'm not... I'm not shot.

Oh, Jesus. If I was shot, I'd... I'd feel something, right?

That's the way it works, Nick.

In five minutes you're gonna wish you didn't feel anything at all.

Hold on, man. You're gonna make it.

Where are they, man? No, you were right.

You were right. I don't... You're gonna make it. Hold on.

I don't feel so hot all of a... all of a sudden.

Why did you come back here?

Why did I ever let you up here in the first place?

I had to get the part.

It's a great part.

You think I would have got it?

Yeah, pal.

I think you would have nailed it.

Oh, man. This is too real!

Hold on, Nick.

Come on, man. Just hold on.

Oh, man, where are they? You're gonna make it. Just hold on.

Is he gonna be okay? He's tougher than he looks.

Thank God. Easy.

Are you finally happy, Nick? Answer me.

You got what you wanted.

This is what you wanted. Real bad guys.

Real bullets. Real blood.

Real bad guys. Real bullets.

Real blood.

You thought we were playing games, right?

Well, this ain't the movies.

It's about putting your life on the line every day,

knowing somewhere there's a buliet with your name on it.

Well, you found yours, you son of a bitch.

We're not like those assholes in the movies.

They get 17 takes to get it right.

We get one.

And it lasts our whole life.

That's my line. That's what I said to him. Shh!

Please, man. Could you be quiet?

It was! I said that.

Shh!

This whole movie is stuff I said to him. The little son of a bitch stole my life.

Would you shut up, Moss. We're trying to watch the end credits.

♪ Don't cail it a comeback I been here for years ♪

♪ I'm rocking my peers, putting suckers in fear ♪

♪ Making the tears rain dow like a monsoon ♪

You know, he's a lot shorter in real life, okay?

♪ Boom, Explosion Overpowering ♪

♪ Over the competition I'm towering ♪

♪ Wrecking shop, n when I drop these lyrics ♪

♪ That'll make you call the cops ♪

♪ Don't you dare stare You better move ♪

♪ Don't ever compare men to the rest ♪

♪ That'll all get sliced and diced ♪

♪ Competition's paying the price ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ Don't you call this a regular jam ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock this land ♪

♪ I'm gonna take this itty-bitty world by storm ♪

♪ And I'm just getting warm ♪

♪ Just like Muhammad Ali They called him Cassius ♪

♪ Watch me bash this beat like a skull ♪

♪ That you known I have beef with ♪

♪ Why do you riff with me, n the maniac psycho? ♪

♪ And when I pull out my jammy, n get ready ♪

♪ 'Cause it might go blaaaaw How ya like me now? ♪

♪ The river will not allow ♪

♪ You to get with Mr. Smith ♪

♪ Don't riff Listen to my gear shift ♪

♪ I'm blasting, outlasting kinda like Shaft ♪

♪ So you could say I'm shafting ♪

♪ Old English filled my mind ♪

♪ And I came up with a funky rhyme ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪

♪ Mama said knock you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪♪