Original subtitles

I'm awake.

I think I feel nauseous.

My heart is beating like a bongo drum.

That is it! Stop it!

That bloody dog!

What do you say, pup?! Want that?!

Oh, that bloody dog!

Dad's trying to kill the neighbor's dog with chemicals from our rosebush sprayer.

Eat that and that!

What are you doing?!

- What do you got? I nearly had him! - Just stop!

Mum doesn't think that's such a good idea.

Get inside! Get inside! Get inside! get!

Maybe boarding school won't be so bad after all.

♪ we will all strive hard and true ♪

♪ to be honest men ♪

♪ we will strive to be true ♪

♪ but in the end, I'll... says ♪

♪ will we ever see it through? ♪

♪ now, I climb the hills of heat where I'm dreaming ♪

Oh!

♪ will I never hear this web of misery? ♪

♪ never give up, ... ♪

I was hoping we'd blend in.

But it feels like the Boswell Wilkie Circus

just pulled into town.

- Milton. - Milton, of course.

He's quite the little cricket star

and a prefect at his primary school,

and he's got a full scholarship.

Oh, and he sings like an angel.

Don't you, my china plate?

Head of the choir.

I like choir boys.

This is registration.

Hey, look at this.

Well, this is nice, eh?

My new home.

It smells of old socks and floor varnish.

Hey!

Settle down!

I'm sure I'll never fit in.

At least I'm not the only one.

Look at all the blacks in here.

Quiet, please.

Good morning, boys, ladies, and gentlemen.

I am the headmaster...

The headmaster… nickname, "The Glock."

My name is Mr. Glockenspheel.

Which is no laughing matter.

Love you so much, sweetheart!

Remember, my boy, never apologize for anything.

Even the queen has to shit once a day, eh?

Bye-bye, my darling! I'll miss you so much!

Tomorrow, it all begins.

Maybe I'll die in my sleep and miss it completely.

Lights out!

Mum!

Boys, boys, boys!

What do we have here?

Looks like a rugged soaker with an eating disorder!

It's like… it's like a spud!

- Spuddy! - Spuddy!

Everyone in school has a nickname.

Mine is now "Spud"

Because my willy is tiny and my balls haven't dropped yet.

If I'm going to have any chance of surviving at this school,

I have to get in with the crowd.

Especially Robert Black… nickname, "Rambo,"

the self-appointed king of the dorm.

He includes enough swearing in every sentence

to show he means business,

and is to be heartily respected and hero-worshipped.

I'm going to have to make friends with Rambo's friends

like Charlie Hooper.

Nickname, "Mad Dog."

Whose main hobbies seem to be destruction and death.

Or I'm gonna have to be a sports hero like Simon Brown.

Nickname, "Simon Brown."

Or I'll have to go overseas

and buy lots of banned porno mags

like Al Greenstein.

Nickname, "Boggo."

Busted! Busted!

Apparently, he's a full-on sex-maniac,

which I think is a good thing.

♪ Na, na-na, na ♪

♪ na, na-na, na ♪

♪ hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ he's a wanker! ♪

18, 19, 20...

Or I'll have to break the school farting record.

...21, 22, 23, 24,

25.38 seconds!

Currently held by Sidney Sebecco Scott.

Nickname, "Fatty."

Thank god for Henry Barker.

Nickname, "Gecko."

And Vern Blackadder.

Nickname, "Rain Man."

If it wasn't for them, I'm sure they'd be picking on me.

Pile on!

Pile on!

Pile on!

My new home is like a war zone.

I have an uneasy feeling that my time is coming.

Pile on!

Together, everyone calls us "The Crazy Eight."

What the hell is going on?! Off, off!

Up!

Who started this?

Hmm?

What's your name, boy?

John Milton.

John Milton, sir!

John Milton, sir.

Uh, well, out with it.

I really don't know, sir.

All right.

Fine.

As of this second,

All of your privileges have been revoked.

Next time, I will not be so lenient.

Take him to the san.

It wasn't your fault.

I wasn't sure walking with Gecko was good for my survival.

I can't be seen being friendly with the uncoolest guy in the school.

This place is like a madhouse.

There's always someone out to get you, laugh at you,

or make you feel like an idiot or a cunt.

Don't you think, Milton?

This better be serious.

Thanks, Milton.

Take those raw materials.

Now we're talking.

I would never see that.

You don't need to show them.

I don't remember inviting you here, Spuddy.

Spud couldn't wank if he had a pair of tweezers and a magnifying glass.

He couldn't find them with directions and a road map.

His balls...

It is not fair.

Even Gecko has hairs.

I wonder when I can start wanking.

I wonder what suicide is like.

Gentlemen, these are my seven commandments.

- Mr. Wilson, our housemaster. - One,...

thou shall always obey those in authority.

Nickname, "Spare Rib."

Number two, thou shall not behave in a depraved fashion.

Rambo told us that a lion bit off half his shoulder.

... a piece of his shoulder just...

And the doctors had to take out one of his ribs to repair it.

Five,...

thou shall not play with thyself...

or with each other.

Number six,

thou shall not play darts.

A bit strange considering the lack of a dart board.

And finally, number seven...

don't even think of doing this...

thou shall not...

go night swimming.

School begins.

I have no idea where anything is.

Every siren terrifies me 'cause unlike everyone else,

I never seem to be sure what happens next.

I felt a huge lump in my throat.

I was about to start sobbing.

Milton!

P.J. Luthuli, our head of house.

No running in the quad.

I think that's the first time I've ever taken orders from a black man.

I'm lost.

This way.

Dad would be checking for his wallet round about now.

♪ would you like to be a schoolboy again? ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ would you like to be a schoolboy again? ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ would you like to be at school with some friends? ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ would you like to be a schoolboy again?

Good God.

Horror.

Horror.

Horror!

Tongue nor heart cannot conceive nor name thee!

May all the trumpets speak!

Give them all breath, those

clamorous harbingers

of blood!

And death!

With me, you will be learning English.

Not the, uh, rapturous ramblings

of some self-obsessed literary queen...

Exhibit one.

Henry James.

Exhibit two...

Virginia Woolf and Agatha Christie!

Frustrated, sex-crazed carpet munchers with underarm fur!

Don't get me wrong, boys. I have nothing against lesbians,

nothing at all.

In fact, I'd like to give them all a jolly good rogering.

Mr. Edly.

Nickname, "The Guv."

I reckon he's as mad as my family, maybe even madder.

however, I will be teaching you malodorous meerkats

how to be men!

You will learn about women and sex.

And if I do my job right, when you leave this class,

you will be the kind of man that men envy

and the kind of man that women cannot resist.

I reckon English is going to be my favorite subject.

"...brightness of her cheek would shame those stars..."

I hope the Guv will teach me to score girls like Mrs. Wilson,

Spare Rib's wife. Nickname, "Eve".

'cause Eve came from Adam's spare rib.

"...bird would sing and think it were not night."

I felt a strange shiver

I swear... I nearly wet my pants.

"... that I might touch that cheek!"

Ma'am?

Yes, Robert?

I think you dropped your pen.

Every Thursday night is video night.

This week, it's "Pretty Woman" with Julia Roberts.

She plays this really hot prostitute.

When I leave school,

I'm definitely gonna drive around, looking for prostitutes.

Oh, man, come on!

You can watch your video later!

Good evening. The state president, Mr. F.W. de Klerk,

opened parliament today with what's being described

as a watershed speech in South African politics.

President de Klerk's announcements included

the unbanning of the African National Congress...

Dad says that the A.N.C. are a bunch of communists.

I have no idea what a communist is, but I'm terrified of them.

... that the government has taken a firm decision

to release Mr. Mandela unconditionally.

I am serious...

I wonder if Mandela was ever a Spud?

Well, there goes the country.

... on the date of his release...

Pike, the school bully.

... unfortunately, a further short message of trying...

...take your place at the negotiating table,

together with the government and other leaders...

I think P.J. Luthuli is my new hero.

I suddenly felt wickedly guilty about being a white person.

My quest for sporting glory is not going so well.

Milton, that forward defensive was as porous as a whore's drawers.

Yes, sir.

Brilliant.

Let me declare you all officially

the crappiest bunch of spastics bit's ever been my misfortune to coach.

Most of you have a better chance of falling pregnant

via wind pollination than becoming decent cricketers.

Now, sun's over the yardarm, so bugger off!

Rain Man, Spud, boys, my bed now.

Spud.

Do you want everyone in the school to think you're a spineless wimp?

Spineless wimp.

Didn't think so.

Me neither.

That's why I'm inviting you all on a mission, boys.

It's gonna be dangerous.

It's going to be insane.

We could all get expelled.

Or even die.

So, who's up for a highly illegal, crazy-mad night swim?

Yeah, night swim!

I don't want to. Thank you very much.

But, Gecko, there can be no witnesses.

It's all for one and one for all.

Spud?

No witnesses?

No witnesses.

- Here we go. - Ow, you're so cold.

- Come on, this way. - Guys, go for it.

Spud,

I swear to god.

Let's go.

Easy, boy, easy, boy!

Go, go!

Wait!

Through that window.

We did it!

We did it!

Come here.

And there were light beams everywhere!

Guys, guys.

Where's Fatty?

Guys.

You two, go see if you can get him out. Quiet.

Oh, my god. We're all going to get expelled.

Shut up. Just shut up.

We're not going to get expelled.

For god sakes, stop being such a woman.

In the end, it was Rambo who saved the day.

He convinced everyone that Fatty had a religious conversion,

and got stuck in the chapel window

while trying to visit the holy spirit.

It's a miracle!

That was wicked.

Hey, everyone, front and center!

Don't think that I don't know exactly what you chaps were up to last night.

What are you talking about, sir?

We were all fast asleep in our beds.

I mean, you can ask any one of us.

We were sleeping, sir.

- We were all fast asleep. - Is it?

Hmm? Milton?

Is that so, Milton? Huh?

For god sakes, Milton, a boy almost died! Now,...

did you or did you not go night swimming?

Right.

Six for each of you after you return from the long weekend.

Enjoy your time away, gentlemen. I'll be thinking of you.

Great.

Thanks a lot, Spuddy.

Yeah, good shot, Spud.

The 158-kilometer journey home seemed endless.

And Fatty's breath smelt of fish paste.

I didn't mind.

I was going home.

Hurry up and get in the car!

Your father couldn't be here because he's finally lost his mind!

Gonna kill him when I get home!

Mum wasn't exaggerating.

Dad has converted our house into an army bunker.

Open these gates, or so help me god!

What is this nonsense?!

Pegs on the windows?! Are you mad?!

I got Martin and Denise coming from book club!

How are we supposed to get in?!

And take this barbed wire off the gate!

That will leave us vulnerable to attack!

Attack, attack?! Who's attacking us?!

The communists are attacking us!

- Oh, is it?! - Yes, it is!

You know what?! You make me...

- You make me sick! - All the time! All the time!

Maybe school isn't so bad after all.

Dad's gone mad.

He reckons we'll have to live off the land when the country goes up in smoke.

He's fired innocence, our maid.

He thinks she may be a terrorist.

♪ take a look at yourself ♪

♪ take a look at the world ♪

God!

♪ see the mess that we're in ♪

♪ don't go blaming yourself ♪

♪ I can see what you see ♪

♪ I can feel what you feel ♪

♪ that thing is the truth ♪

♪ and it's so real ♪

Not sure if that's living off the land.

♪ other people ♪

Put it there.

And that's when I saw her...

a girl so beautiful,

a sharp pang shot through my body and made my left leg go numb.

Johnny, this is Marge's daughter, Debbie.

She said one word that nearly flattened with its beauty.

Hi.

I promised Debs a swim in your pool if that's all right.

♪ I like ♪

♪ with you ♪

♪ oh, your mouth feels so warm ♪

♪ I like ♪

♪ with you ♪

Come in, Johnny.

It's warm.

I think I'm in love with a mermaid.

I'm really sorry.

Just forget it.

Next!

Just think of the best thing in your life,

and you'll beat the pain.

Next!

Hand to chair, grit your teeth.

Blazer.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Milton.

This will hurt you far more than it will me.

Kiss me, Johnny.

Oh, that's... I'm redder.

My ass is still burning.

Yours is so bad

If we are marked to die, it is enough to do our country loss,

and if to live, the fewer men, the greater share of honor.

Ah, we few, we happy few, we band of brothers.

For he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother!

Come again, please, sir?

Johnny! Here, Johnny!

- Whoo! - Johnny!

Thataboy!

That's my boy! Swing back!

Don't try anything fancy.

Yeah, a good one!

Two rand for a grab,

five bucks if you squeeze breasts,

and ten bucks if you touch her holiest of holies.

Five bucks enters you into the competition.

I'm in.

♪ we can dance if we want to ♪

♪ we can leave your friends behind ♪

♪ 'cause your friends don't dance ♪

♪ and if they don't dance ♪

♪ well, they're no friends of mine ♪

♪ say, we can go where we want to ♪

♪ a place where they will never find ♪

♪ and we can act like we come from out of this world ♪

♪ leave the real one far behind ♪

♪ we can dance ♪

♪ and sing ♪

♪ we can go where we want to ♪

♪ the night is young and so am I ♪

♪ and we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet ♪

♪ then surprise them with a victory cry ♪

♪ say, we can act if we want to ♪

Saving the worst for last,

would you stand up, please, Milton?

All of you, take a look at this young man...

fine example of what women hunger for.

being the only one of you cretins...

to score more than 50% on the assignment.

You may sit.

Thank you, sir.

Now, I asked you to write on influences in modern literature,

and this is the best you rabid monkeys could come up with?

Fail!

Not one of you offered the greatest influence of all.

I posit...

if it wasn't for sex,

if it wasn't for shagging

and fornication and copulation

and making the two-backed beast...

No book on this earth would ever have been written, yes?

Yes?

Sir, what about the bible?

Good question.

Milton?

The bible.

Pure?

Or sexy?

My gran says it's full of sodomy and incest

and should have an age restriction.

Exactly!

All right, you putrid pustules,

Auf Wiedersehen.

John.

Yes, sir?

Welcome to "Paradise Lost," Mr. Milton.

Your grandmother sounds like an interesting broad.

Yes, sir.

Actually, she's half mad, sir.

She calls me "David" instead of "John," and we call her "Wombat."

In fact, my whole family's pretty nutty, sir.

In that case, I have the perfect book for you.

Actually, it's not a book. It's a play.

They call it "Theater of the absurd."

- Thank you very much, sir. - Don't thank me, boy! Just read it!

Then tell me what you think.

I think it's a blast.

Well, piss off, boy. It's lunchtime.

Of course, sir.

I was hoping the play would tell me everything about

being a man and scoring girls.

But it's a play about two tramps

living in a ditch on the side of the road.

Waiting for a guy called "Godot."

Who never comes.

It's wickedly odd.

Yeah!

This is it.

Robert de Niro, watch out.

Have you had enough, John?

Yes, thank you, ma'am.

You call me "Marla," hmm? Oh!

Who's the luckiest, dirty, old bastard in the world, eh?

Now, no more wine.

Last glass, promise.

Oh, god damn it, man, loosen up.

I mean, you've been sitting there all afternoon,

stiff as the Queen mother!

Have some wine.

I'm sure I'm not allowed, sir.

Nonsense. Now...

what did you think?

About what?

The book, the play. Enlighten me.

I don't know, sir.

Oh, Johnno ...

I'm not gonna have to shout at you, am I?

Just tell me.

Nothing happens.

Yes.

Isn't that just like life, John?

We all sit around, waiting for something to happen, but...

never does.

And what are we waiting for? God?

Meaning?

Death?

Maybe we're waiting to grow up.

But maybe we never do.

Wise words, young man.

I'll drink to that.

Why do they call it absurd?

It seems totally normal to me.

Well, here we sit, surrounded by some fairy-land fantasy, hmm?

And the really absurd thing is...

most people don't seem to notice.

This school is the most absurd place in the world.

Yes, and I've been teaching here for 27 years,

an absurdist tramp...

in a ditch...

side of the road.

Cheers, sir.

My mother believes

that god's greatest gift to humanity was freedom of choice.

Not a thing to be taken lightly, hmm?

Now, what?

What?

Ah, now, John, you ought to be aware that this is without a doubt

the best damn book a man could ever have written.

Ah, here we are.

As far as I'm concerned, this is proof positive that god exists,

and trust me,

those are strong words coming from a devout atheist, Milton.

Sir?!

Ah, to be or not to be, eh, Johnny?

That is the question.

Whether... whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows...

John.

I think it's time to go home now.

slings and arrows...

slings what...

What is it, darling?

Um, outrageous fortune, my love.

Outrageous fortune.

Come on.

Oh, yes.

I probably should have a lie down.

Okay.

♪ holy god ♪

♪ holy lord ♪

Pathetic!

Next!

Well, master Milton, what are you singing?

"Amazing Grace."

♪ amazing grace ♪

♪ how sweet the sound ♪

♪ that saved ♪

♪ a wretch like... ♪

Thank you!

Next!

Thank you, Milton! Goodbye!

I feel just like the hobbit...

small and lonely.

Just not hairy.

When he talks about love,

I think he means a universal love.

The state of emergency has officially been lifted,

this becoming a part of the unbanned South African communist party.

Holidays and everything that used to make me happy

doesn't matter anymore.

I needed a master plan, but I couldn't think of anything.

At least Innocence is back.

She took dad to the labor court for unfair dismissal.

Just there. I told you.

Now she has all the power.

Just put it inside.

Wombat is here for lunch... Dad's nemesis.

He says she's as mean as cat shit

and wouldn't sell you ice in winter.

She is as mean as cat shit

and wouldn't sell you ice in winter!

Johnny, it's 11:00. You can't lie in bed all day.

Why not?

Haven't you made any nice friends at school

that you can invite over, hmm?

Well, I'm going to invite Debbie to come swim if that's okay.

Hey.

Hi.

I wasn't sure it was wise

to expose the mermaid to lunch with the Miltons.

Don't get this slut knocked up the wrong way.

Oh, David's such a handsome boy.

Thank goodness he doesn't look anything look like his father.

Why you had to marry that man, I don't know.

Mother!

He's got a face like a scrambled egg.

What are you doing?!

I was convinced the mermaid would never ever want to see us again.

What's so funny?!

I told her all about school and "The Crazy Eight."

And soon, she was laughing...

I mean, really laughing.

All I had to do was kiss her.

Then I could tell everyone in the dorm.

It's confirmed.

Spud Milton has no balls.

Second term, and things must change.

This is the term that Spud Milton takes charge.

Get him! Get him, Spud! grab his leg!

I helped to give Gecko a special present for his birthday.

- Take him! - Where are you taking me?!

Apparently, it's a school tradition or something.

I helped to play a wicked practical joke on Boggo.

♪ ... crocodile in the sea ♪

♪ all the toxic waste goes to the bay ♪

♪ and that's where the monster was ... ♪

All right, up!

And I joined the African Affairs Society.

- The Lancaster house... - Two words, gentlemen...

- The arms struggle was in... - South Africa...

- Declaration of... - President left us no option.

I'm embarrassed to be white, and when I leave school, I'm gonna be a freedom fighter.

Don't be so ignorant, Milton.

By the time you finish school, the struggle will be long over.

Thanks, Milton.

We need more people with a conscience like yours.

I think I prefer black people now.

Dad would probably call me a bleeding-heart commie pinko.

And incredibly, I have a callback for "Oliver Twist,"

although the music teacher's composed completely new songs.

They say...

♪ you think you're so damn cool ♪

♪ welcome to the old school ♪

♪ you're too tough to talk ♪

♪ with nothing to fear ♪

♪ we'll kick it out of you ♪

♪ we'll beat you black and blue ♪

♪ don't be surprised if you don't last a year ♪

♪ although the madness continues to haunt me ♪

♪ hello, world, this is me ♪

♪ and I'm all I'm gonna be ♪

♪ just one of the boys ♪

The role of Oliver Twist...

will be performed by John Milton.

Congratulations.

♪ just one of the boys ♪

♪ you're gonna be famous, son ♪

♪ one of the boys ♪

♪ and your life has just begun ♪

♪ one of the boys ♪

♪ it's gonna be so much fun to be ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ you're gonna be ♪

Hey, Spuddy.

On behalf of the boys and myself, eh,

we'd just like to congratulate you for...

- Thanks, Robert. - ...your birthday.

♪ welcome to the fun, my son ♪

♪ right here is where you belong ♪ Please, guys!

♪ it's gonna be so much fun to be ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ you're gonna be ♪

♪ just one of the boys ♪

No, please! Please, guys!

Get him! Get him!

Give him some more!

Get him, get him, get him!

Spuddy, you've got black balls!

Make it again. Put some more, put some more.

Put some more.

14 years ago to the minute, I was born.

then it was my mother who had the pawing hands...

the pain...

the bright light.

At least it's over.

You okay?

Right!

I will be running a tight ship.

In fact, this ship will be run tighter than a nun's fanny!

This will be no wanky, humdrum school production!

This production must be good enough to grace any professional stage in the world!

I demand endurance.

I demand discipline.

I demand creativity!

Try that on, Milton.

Yes, exactly the look!

It didn't start well.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Can't you see it's "welcome to our..."

Mr. Richardson. Nickname, "Viking."

Last year, he had a heart attack directing "Pirates of Penzance."

Which he set in Nazi Germany.

Well, which one?

The Guv is playing Fagin,

but he keeps filling his prop flask with real whiskey.

Eve is playing the prostitute Nancy.

We're all hoping they'll dress her like a total slut.

Yes

Gecko was the stage manager.

He'll probably be in the san for life.

- Yes, yes, yes. - By the hair.

The Glock is playing Sikes, the psychopath.

- Scruff of the neck. - Yes, he's a psychopath.

Come on, boy, give me the money, give me the money!

Oh, yes, I like that, I like that!

- Talk about typecasting. - Yeah, I enjoyed it.

You okay, boy?

Only acting, sir.

- Yes, good. - Well-done.

- Very convincing. - Yes.

I swear to god, if you tell anyone, I'll kill you.

About what?

Two, three!

Two, three!

Rugby season.

I wonder if "Oliver Twist" will get the same response.

Go, Under 14Es, go!

Not like the one for my team, Under 14E.

But maybe that's got to do with our coach being Mr. Lilly.

The art teacher.

Do the... do the pass.

He doesn't believe in tackling.

That's better... More pressure from the rear!

1, 2, 3, 4!

1, 2, 4!

They're here!

I'm sure you'd all like to join me in welcoming the Saint Catherine schoolgirls!

Quiet!

Amanda.

Amanda here will be playing Bet.

Meet John Milton, Oliver.

Amanda Lawrence.

Too beautiful to have a nickname.

I'm utterly and absolutely terrified of her.

Now, don't think I don't know what's going on in those sordid, little minds of yours,

and I will have none of it.

That goes for flirting, canoodling, spooning, smooching, and molesting.

- It's the best book I've ever read. - Blessed boy!

What a book, eh?

More exciting than a bed full of blondes, hm?

Sir, I wanted to ask you about another book.

I've unleashed a monster!

It's called "The Prophecies" by Nostradamus.

Yes, yes, I know it, boy

Now, what's all this about?

Nothing.

You're not trying to impress that private-school slapper, are you?

No, sir.

I saw you eyeing the saucy minx.

I can't stop looking at her.

Then look harder.

If she's reading that nonsense,

you'd better steer well clear of her.

Now, look, old cock,

if you don't roger half the chorus line by the end of the month,

it will be seriously remiss of you.

I can't.

Why not?

I'm just a spud, sir.

Well, you'll just have to show everyone that what you've got, uh, you know,

down there isn't the only thing that counts, right?

I know a book that'll buck you up.

This will sort you out.

What's it about?

It's about choice and not giving a damn what people think.

You make choices, you own them, you live them, and damn the consequences!

What did I say about the wine?

John, you need to leave now.

Milton.

They used to call me "Spud," too,

you know, back in the old days.

But I turned out all right, didn't I, dear?

Hello?

Johnny?

Is that you?

Hi.

Johnny.

How are you?

I'm...

Beat it, Spuddy. Got to make a call.

Johnny?

3, 4! 1, 2, 3, 4! 1, 2, 3, 4! ...

Have you read...

Nostradamus is a deluded fool.

Don't you think?

Why do they call you "Spud"?

Has it got something to do with a potato?

I've got to go.

Come on, we're on!

♪ all it took ♪

♪ was a second ♪

♪ was a moment in your eyes ♪

♪ in a glance ♪

♪ how you beckoned ♪

♪ now I've come to realize ♪

♪ why don't we run away? ♪

♪ why don't we run away? ♪

♪ I need just one minute alone with you ♪

♪ and the world would stop ♪

♪ in a single moment ♪

♪ just one minute alone with you ♪

♪ feel the pressure drop ♪

♪ as my heart stopped pumping ♪

♪ just to feel me ♪

♪ just to hold you close ♪

♪ for a minute ♪

♪ for a minute ♪

My god, don't tell me his voice is breaking.

No one has any idea what's wrong with me.

I'm hoping my days as a spud are numbered.

They say four sneezes is the same as an orgasm.

I hope an orgasm feels better than this.

I've discovered that Gecko is actually totally cool.

Apparently, he's had 42 different diseases,

six unknown to medical science.

And he's currently taking 12 different kinds of medicine.

To my darling Spud.

Get better, baby.

I miss you.

Love...

Amanda.

To my darling Spud. To my darling Spud.

To my darling Spud. Get better, baby.

Get better, baby. I miss you.

I miss you. Love, love, love, love, love,

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, Amanda.

Amigo, ...

I think we can safely say...

she loves you.

You think?

Imagine if you grab Amanda.

Spud...

will be stud.

♪ took away my sun ♪

♪ we're moving on together ♪

♪ just you and I ♪

♪ move your body closer ♪

Spud.

you know, ... when you sing...

it's like...

it's like...

I don't know.

This might sound a little weird, but...

It's like I know there might be a god out there.

It's just a bit of bronchitis.

His voice hasn't broken?

This boy's a long way away from that.

Hi.

How are you?

Fine.

All right, ladies, once more from the top with Vim and Vigor!

Just me.

But she signed it "love."

You saw that.

With girls, love doesn't always mean love.

Girls say "love" all the time.

Oh, I love that dress.

Oh, I love Tom Cruise.

Oh, I love Bernard Rommer.

Forget girls.

Race you to the top.

Where are we going?

♪ I ♪

♪ had the strangest dream ♪

♪ in the bundu bush ♪

♪ of africa ♪

♪ I was king of kings ♪

♪ there I stood ♪

♪ the jungle ♪

Call this hell's view.

School's hell, and this is the best place to view it from.

♪ had the strangest dream ♪

♪ shadows, shadows ♪

♪ shadows, shadows ♪

♪ shadows, shadows ♪

♪ shadows ♪

♪ I'm winning, I'm winning ♪

Silly season,

and I'm obviously not the only one who's losing it.

Boggo replaced the house video with lesbian porn.

And Vern was busted stealing everyone's underpants.

Rambo accused him of theft, faggotism, and controversial behavior.

Vern!

Turns out he was using them to make a nest for Roger the cat.

16, 17, 18, 19

Fatty had an accident trying to smash his farting record.

Gecko contracted some rare form of bilharzia.

Mad Dog says he got it from Fatty's fart.

Everyone knows about Rambo and Eve.

Except for poor old Spare Rib.

Pike continues to wreak havoc.

Whoa! Get it off!

And I couldn't stop dreaming.

I think I'm going mad.

The real question is,

which of the girls do you want to shag?

I can't shag any of them.

I'm a spud, remember?

I know just what you need to do.

Gecko acts like he's a world authority on women,

which is kind of like an impossibility

'cause he's never even had a kiss.

So, you reckon I should completely ignore Amanda,

be totally horrible to her...

and flirt outrageously with Christine?

Christine's so scary, though.

It's the only way to make Amanda respect you.

Hello, boyfriend.

Christine.

Later, lover boy.

You're a dark and cruel soul.

Why are you so arrogant?

You're not the person I thought you were.

Amanda.

She hates my guts!

And I'm flirting with some complete stranger.

Christine.

Christine. And I'm cheating on the only girl who's ever been nice to me.

Do you mind if I grabbed Christine?

I think she likes me.

- She does? - Actually,

we already snogged under the stage.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

Sure, be my guest.

Thanks, amigo.

So, what are you doing for the holidays?

Nothing. You?

I'm gonna be spending the holiday out of town with my girlfriend.

- Girlfriend? - Christine!

And then we're going to Mozambique.

We can swim with dolphins and everything.

Listen, Gecko, about Christine...

Yeah?

Nothing.

Check these crazy malaria pills I'm supposed to be taking,

except I'm never gonna take another pill again.

'cause my new medicine is love.

Hey, where are you going?

Sir?

Sir!

Milton, what the hell are you doing here?

Sorry to disturb you, sir.

- Well, don't. - No, sir.

I really need your help with something.

What is it?

- Are you okay? - Excellent, excellent.

- Where's Mrs. Edly? - Packed up, shipped out.

Finally had enough of this cantankerous, old bastard.

- What do you mean? - Mow, what do you want?

It's the book.

It's crazy and doesn't resolve anything.

Life-like, isn't it?

I'm kind of having these problems with...

these girls I'm seeing.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Look, Milton...

let me give you a piece of advice

from a man whose wife has just left him.

As far as the unfair sex is concerned,

honesty, honesty, honesty.

Avoid it all cost.

Lie through your teeth at every turn, and if you're lucky,

you may get away with it.

And if you don't, well, you can always, uh, go mad,

develop a drinking problem.

It's worse than I thought.

I look exactly like a sheep!

Hey!

We have a new member of the Milton family, Blackie.

- Where did you get this mutt? - He's not a mutt.

Who's gonna feed this dog now?!

- I'm gonna feed this dog, by the way. - Yeah, I've heard that before.

I am gonna feed the dog, exactly, and I'll feed it what I want!

Yeah.

Ah, don't even speak to me!

I've had it!

This is illegal!

Innocence is in trouble again.

Dad busted her selling liquor out of her back room.

This is completely illegal!

You're very welcome.

But once he discovered that he could make 50 cents off every bottle she sells...

Just keep moving... Moving here.

He's decided that he likes black people after all.

Mermaid is coming to visit.

Her breasts have grown.

They're enormous.

You got a good pair of knockers there.

Use them wisely.

We walked in the Japanese Gardens,

and she touched me with her boobs.

And my willy felt all weird.

- What's that? - A commitment ring.

Do you think we'll...

get married and have kids and stuff?

Girls!

They all lead you to madness.

That's why dad's taking Blackie to the vet,

to get his nuts chopped off.

Let's go!

Just like me.

neither boy...

nor man.

Final term, and life is a mess.

Sir?

The Guv isn't the same since his wife left him.

Uh, not now, Milton, not now.

Eve broke up with Rambo.

Hey, Rain Man, fix your tie.

Rain Man is Pike's new punching bag.

And Gecko discovered that Christine snogged Smith...

Greg Anderson,

Scott Emberton

and half the rugby team.

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry about Christine.

Someone said she even snogged you.

Want to go up to hell's view and see how many snakes we can find?

Almost there.

♪ taking a trip on the freeway ♪

♪ trying my best to escape ♪

♪ it's a landscape ♪

♪ like heaven ♪

♪ I'm losing like hell ♪

Okay, so, now, um...

♪ I watch you turn ♪

♪ from my window on the way ♪

♪ I watch you turn ♪

♪ from my window on the way ♪

Check all this stuff I got from Mozambique.

I got you this.

It's poo from a Mozambican tree monkey.

It's wickedly rare.

Thanks, Gecko.

Gecko?

Is he okay?

I don't know. Let's get him to the san.

God. Get him in here quick.

Quick, quick, quick!

Where's Gecko?

We had to take him to hospital.

Is he okay?

He has cerebral malaria.

It's very serious.

Very serious, indeed.

All right. I'll wait outside.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm scared.

What are you talking?

You'll be back in a week.

Besides,

Rambo's planning another night swim.

You know, you don't always have to do what Rambo says.

Impressing them isn't everything.

Will you sing something for me?

♪ amazing grace ♪

♪ how sweet the sound ♪

♪ that saved ♪

♪ a wretch ♪

♪ like me ♪

♪ I once ♪

♪ was lost ♪

♪ but now ♪

♪ am found ♪

♪ was blind ♪

♪ but now ♪

♪ I see ♪

Sir,...

I just want to chat about our set work.

Another time, Milton.

Sir, I just wanted to say that I think Dickens...

that I think Dickens...

is a boring, old fart with no writing ability whatsoever.

To be honest, sir,

he's a snoring, old colonialist, and I wouldn't even use Dickens to wipe my own bum.

Now, you listen to me, you tiny rodent.

What you have there is some of the finest literature of the Victorian era!

Well, obviously, there wasn't much happening in the Victorian era then, was there, sir?

You better take care, boy,

or I'll have you reading Enid Blyton in public!

I've been a...

terrible bore.

Haven't I?

Women, huh?

Can't live with them.

Can't ship them off to Zimbabwe.

Lunch.

Why do you drink, sir?

Keeps the wolves from the door.

I don't know about you, sir,

but drinking just makes me sad.

Maybe the more you drink, the sadder you get,

and the sadder you get, the more you drink.

It's a catch-22, sir.

Hmm.

Right you are.

Shoe polish. Eat it.

Come on, I'll give you 10 bucks.

Come on, Fatty, man, eat it, eat it!

- No way. - Come on.

Don't be such a chicken.

Hey, Spuddy, do an animal, man.

I don't feel like it.

Awww! "I don't feel like it."

You know what?! Stop, you guys!

Milton.

Come with me.

Gecko's gone.

He died about a half an hour ago.

The doctors fought very hard.

He was just too sick.

- Andrews? - Shocks.

- Ascott? - Shocks.

- Baines? - Shocks.

Barker?

Barker?

Gecko?

Death, be not proud.

In time, you will get over this.

And you will be the greater man for it.

In time.

Meanwhile...

keep reading.

A book will never die on you.

♪ dear lord and father of mankind ♪

♪ forgive our foolish ways ♪

♪ breathe through the hearts of our desire ♪

♪ thy coolness and thy balm ♪

♪ let sense be dumb ♪

♪ let flesh retire ♪

♪ speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire ♪

♪ o still, small voice of calm ♪

♪ o still, small voice of calm ♪

Hey! 8, 12. I think you're in the wrong seat.

To all the new beginnings and the possibilities they bring.

Hey, Milton! You in there?

Ah. You mind?

- Got to go. - Break a leg.

♪ welcome to our house ♪

♪ welcome to you know what I mean ♪

♪ this ain't a fun house ♪

There's my boy!

Where the hell is his hair?

♪ you'll be hungry today ♪

♪ and tomorrow, as well ♪

♪ welcome to hell ♪

♪ welcome to hell ♪

♪ do you need an education? ♪

♪ why don't you come and teach me? ♪

♪ so, listen, boys, please come on over ♪

♪ 'cause I've got something hot to show you ♪

♪ you know I'm tired of giving lessons ♪

♪ why don't you come and teach me? ♪

♪ teach me ♪

♪ teach me ♪

Now, listen.

♪ thieves like us have honor ♪

♪ stop acting like a twit ♪

♪ 'cause I'm the b-i-g b-o-double s, okay? ♪

♪ big boss, whatever you say ♪

♪ I'm the b-i-g b-o-double s, okay? ♪

♪ big boss, why don't you pay? ♪

♪ 'cause I'm s-t-i-n-g-y ♪

♪ and I'm the i-n v-i-p, why? ♪

♪ 'cause I'm the b-i-g b-o-double s, that's why ♪

♪ b-i-g boss, b-i-g boss ♪

♪ b-i-g b-o-s-s ♪

♪ you want the b-i-g ♪

♪ big boss ♪

♪ has my life just begun? ♪

♪ is this as good as it gets? ♪

♪ will I look back and remember? ♪

♪ will I have no regrets? ♪

♪ am I still too young? ♪

♪ am I too small to walk tall? ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave all the madness behind me ♪

♪ heal the sadness inside me ♪

♪ look in the light, and you'll find me giving it all ♪

♪ I'm giving it all ♪

Bravo!

This is my boy! Huh? Oscar winner!

Oscar-winning performance!

Which one were you, my dear?

He was Oliver!

- Come. - Which one was he?

Johnny, you were amazing.

You look incredible.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I'm sorry, Johnny. We have to leave.

I promised Marge I'd get Debbie back by 9:00.

When will I see you again?

Soon.

Well done, my boy.

Who's that?

No one.

Just an ex-girlfriend.

I think she still likes you.

You were actually pretty awesome tonight.

Really?

Let's get out of here

Kiss me, sir Spud.

What about what you said?

Never mind what I said.

Wait!

I can't.

I'm sorry.

No, no. Just check in the bag.

Let me just... Let me just look in your...

You're gonna rip my bloody pockets.

Look in the bag.

I'm not asking for too much. Just...

What is it, Johnny?

Do you want a tour of the school?

Johnny, we have to go.

I think we can be a little bit late tonight.

♪ you always said you would leave me ♪

♪ without turning back ♪

Guys, guys.

♪ you're so sure I could never endure with my emotions intact ♪

♪ you've such a sense of your confidence ♪

♪ in my obsession with you ♪

♪ I'd like to question those assumptions ♪

He's back!

Nice one, man.

- Spud! - That was awesome.

That doll was... That doll was, like, smoking.

Intense.

She was hot!

She was smoking hot.

But, guys, guys, guys.

You know what I was thinking?

Night swim!

Hey, Spuddy.

I've been avoiding hell's view since Gecko died.

One more chance for me to check out the valley below me.

One more time to watch and remember.

I'd forgotten how beautiful it is up here.

Everything is so alive and full of color.

I can see the Guv's house.

I remember how he once told me

that god's greatest gift is choice.

But it seems to me that in some things,

often god doesn't give us a choice.

He deals the cards, and we play them.

♪ you will walk beside me ♪

♪ I'll tell you no lies ♪

♪ and then you'll see another country ♪

♪ in my eyes ♪

♪ another time ♪

♪ another place ♪

♪ another country ♪

♪ another state of grace ♪

♪ you'll walk beside me ♪

♪ I'll tell you no lies ♪

♪ and then you'll see another country ♪

♪ in my eyes ♪

♪ there is a place for anger things ♪

♪ we won't forgive ♪

♪ and I know it's not enough to face your shame ♪

♪ with words you'll never live ♪

♪ but let's begin to look within ♪

♪ to where the future lies ♪

♪ and find the strength to live beneath ♪

♪ another country's skies ♪

♪ another time ♪

♪ another place ♪

♪ another country ♪

♪ another state of grace ♪

♪ you'll walk beside me ♪

♪ I'll tell you no lies ♪

♪ and then you'll see another country ♪

♪ in my eyes ♪

♪ and then you'll see another country ♪

♪ in my eyes ♪

♪ and then you'll see ♪

♪ another country ♪

♪ in my eyes ♪

♪ and then you'll see ♪

♪ another country ♪

♪ in my eyes ♪