Original subtitles

♪ Who's the improbable duo That you heard about? ♪

♪ Faster than a scooter Stronger than metal ♪

♪ Who's the little girl And her domesticated rodent? ♪

♪ Who's still standing When you see the dust settle? ♪

♪ It's Hamster Hamster, Hamster ♪

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪

♪ If they can't do it Then nobody can ♪

♪ Hamster, Hamster, Hamster ♪

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪

♪ There's also Kevin In the minivan ♪

[♪ cheerful music playing]

And done! I'm getting pretty good at these.

[shudders] Is there a reason why we're always

sponge-painting and only sponge-painting?

There was a clerical mistake.

Someone moved a decimal point,

and now the school has 15,000 painting sponges.

[Ms. Jamanpour screams]

Ooh, soft.

That's happened three times already.

I don't know why she's still surprised.

Gretel! Colleen is headed this way.

Colleen from the big kids' table?

[Bailey] Colleen and her friends are just so cool!

Because they're just slightly older.

I heard they're so cool,

they even got invited to be in a focus group for Slamonade.

Dad, I'm thirsty. Can I have some juice?

I got the juice!

[both] Stan the Slamonade Guy?

That's right! And I got the juice right here!

- [both scream] - Slamonade! Slam your thirst!

[groans] Stan the Slamonade Jug is so played out.

- Yeah, totally done. - Yawn.

Well, Stan the Slamonade Guy is not gonna be happy.

Man, I wish we had focus group swagger.

I know! Okay, she's here. Be chill.

[Colleen] Hey, you guys done with the black paint?

Oh, are you sponge-painting too?

No. Sponge-painting feels so pre-tween. And I'm more young adult.

I just need to freshen my nails.

[both] Whoa!

The only thing we use sponges for are metaphors

in our edgy poetry.

"Witness me, a sponge,

absorbing the stupidity inherent in the system,

- and expelling resentment." - [snapping fingers]

But that might be too mature for you.

It's nice you still have the capacity for childish distractions.

Uh, thanks?

No worries. Okay, children, I gotta get back to important older-kid things,

like using a pen.

A pen? But there's no eraser!

- She must never make mistakes! - [both] Wow!

- You know what? Forget these sponges. - [kid] Ow!

If we're ever gonna sit at the big kids' table,

we gotta be more like that.

But they're so dark and broody, and I'm a bright ray of sunshine.

- I've got an idea. - [yells]

All right, we better get this over with.

- [beeps] - Send him in.

Yeah! I got the juice right here!

[♪ rock music playing]

Stan, come on. The door's right there.

Nah, doors are for squares.

Stan the Slamonade Guy always gets the party started! [laughs]

Well, I'm afraid your party-starting days are at an end.

You're fired.

They said I had to get it in writing.

You can't fire me!

I've been this company's mascot for 40 years!

Do you know what I've sacrificed?

We conducted a focus group.

The local elementary school and the cool kids all agreed.

Stan the Slamonade Guy is out.

- What school? - [♪ sinister music playing]

[Gretel] Please, please, please!

- Teach us how to be cooler older kids. - Just like you!

Well, I'm flattered, guys, but-

Actually, we were begging Fred.

Please show us how to be all dark and broody like you are.

Actually, I'm not dark and brooding.

I'm stoic with a sardonic wit.

Teach us your mysterious ways.

- Not to sound like a Kevin... - Hey!

- [splashes] - Aww.

But it is always better to be yourself.

Yeah, I would actually say that.

Other than that, I'm not sure I can help.

[both] Please!

[groans] All right, you two, it's like this. You just have to...

not care.

- I can't do it! - Bailey, get ahold of yourself!

- Not care about what? - Anything.

How does that work?

For some people, it comes naturally.

But like anything, it just takes practice.

- Sunglasses help. - Oh! Great idea.

That will hide my deep inner conflict with this whole exercise.

Thanks, Fred. You're the coolest person in this room.

Ouch.

Not everyone is big kids' table material, Kevin.

[♪ rock music playing]

♪ Throw away those childish toys ♪

♪ We're gonna make an older choice ♪

♪ Speak in a raspy voice to proclaim our attitude ♪

♪ Replace our brightly-colored shoes ♪

♪ With black and gray to fit the mood ♪

♪ Who cares if you approve ♪

♪ Can't you see we're not like you? ♪

♪ Then with these shades, we hide our eyes ♪

♪ And slip into the dark where we can't see ♪

[barking]

♪ We don't care ♪

♪ We don't care ♪

♪ Hope you're all aware ♪

♪ Check out our hair ♪

♪ The things we wear ♪

♪ No, it's not a dare ♪

♪ Don't care if you stare ♪

♪ We've got time to spare ♪

♪ No, we don't care ♪

[all yelling]

Come on, Bailey. All of our training has led to this moment.

[screams] They got new spring riders!

Stay focused! We want status, not joy.

Let's flaunt our nonchalant.

[♪ emo music playing]

They're watching. Quick, this way!

Oh, I wanna ride that grasshopper so bad!

I'm losing my resolve!

No! Just follow my lead.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

- Whoa, so edgy. - [overlapping chatter]

Hmm, something about you two seems different,

removed, older. Huh.

Maybe you'd like to join us at our table.

- Whatever. - Yeah, we might be up for that.

- Oh, wow. So aloof. - I've never seen such aloofness.

[both] We're cool!

I mean... [clearing throat] We're cool.

[sighs] I finally got all those sponges picked up.

Now to enjoy a nice, relaxing lunch.

- [screams] - I've got the juice!

And I've come to take my revenge on all the cool kids.

Wait a minute. Where is everybody?

It's recess!

Oh, I see. Sorry.

Uh, here. Have a Slamonade. It's slammin'!

[slurps] Ooh! It is slammin'!

"And while my statement may be contrary,

only the tattoo is temporary."

[snapping fingers]

[snapping fingers weakly]

What do you think, girls?

About my poem?

Oh, uh, we don't care?

I mean, I thought it was nice?

Uh, she meant intense, Colleen. Intense and arty.

- Uh... - Bailey, sunglasses!

- I dropped them! - Pick them up.

I can't! The bench is too high.

Is there a problem?

Abort! Abort!

What I'm trying to say is, uh, I...

thirst! I'm thirsty. Bailey and I need some water.

Yes! That! Water doesn't care, like us. Okay, bye.

"Water doesn't care"? [groans] What was I thinking?

We totally blew it.

This is the worst thing in the history of the playground.

- [rumbling] - I've got the juice!

- Whoa, it's Slamonade Stan! - [all cheering]

The juice for revenge.

[yells]

Now, where are the cool kids?

Hmm, that's very flattering, but...

You and your friends cost me my job.

And you're gonna pay.

Why don't you just, like, get another job?

Maybe without a ridiculous costume?

This isn't a costume.

I gave my life to that company for 40 years!

It was my sole purpose.

I was so dedicated, I transformed myself into living Slamonade

as a promotional stunt.

Sure, I'm technically no longer human,

and being a sentient liquid comes with numerous social and physical challenges.

But with the help of this unbreakable jug suit,

I've been helping people slam their thirst for decades.

Until you and your friends took that from me!

Now, I'm going to take everything from you!

[screaming]

We're sorry. We didn't mean to!

[screaming]

Not so cool now, are you? [laughs]

Leave those slightly older kids alone!

Stay out of this, Superhero Gretel.

This is between a beverage mascot and these cowering children.

Slamonade Punch!

[grunting]

- Whoa! That jug is hard. - I told you it was unbreakable!

Stan the Slamonade Guy don't lie!

[grunts]

[Bailey] Are you guys okay?

I just wanted to have influence!

Get it together, Colleen! We need to get to safety!

[laughing] Nobody leaves the Slamonade party!

[grunts]

- [girls screaming] - Slam-a-lam- Ow!

This guy won't stay down!

He's much tougher than I thought a drink mascot would ever be.

I mean, he's basically just liquid in a jug.

[grunting] I can't wait to juice those kids!

- Get down! - [yelling]

[all screaming]

- [gasps] Our sponge art! - It wasn't even that good, Bailey.

No! If we get enough sponges, we can soak him up.

But where are we gonna get that many sponges? Oh, wait!

Oh! It is startling, but soft.

I got the juice!

Wow, it is slammin'.

Thanks, Slamonade Stan!

What the... A sponge?

- Where did you get all those? - There was a clerical mistake.

- Oh, no! Where's my top? - Looking for this?

- Go fetch! - My top!

- [screaming] - Slam dunk!

Can I use that catchphrase?

[groaning]

You can't do this to Stan the Slamonade Guy!

I'm an icon!

I will be back!

You'll see!

I have the juice!

You know what? This is fun.

Sometimes, it takes an angry mutant mascot

to make you appreciate the simple joys of being a kid.

Uh, hi, girls! About earlier...

You crying in fear because of the giant juice man?

Yeah, that. [chuckles awkwardly]

If you could keep that to yourself,

it would be cool, I guess.

Your secret's safe with us.

Oh, thanks.

And whenever you want, you're welcome at our table.

Thanks, Colleen, but we have our whole lives to sit at the big kids' table,

which looks pretty busted.

[creaking]

That makes sense.

But you guys are welcome to sit at our table anytime, as well.

Cool. Come on, girls!

- Yeah! - Oh, yeah.

Sponge-painting. Full of holes.

Like life.

I didn't think they would actually take me up on it.

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