All language subtitles for Gunsmoke.S16E18.Tycoon.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-DarkSaber_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "Gunsmoke," starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Mm!

Say, that's good coffee, Kitty.

That's good.

What's-- what's the secret?

Eggshells.

Eggshells!

Certainly!

Why don't you try eggshells?

Why can't you make
coffee like this?

I don't know that you
turned any of mine down.

Stage come in with the mail.

Oh, good.

Let's see here, now.

Them there's for you, Matt.

Thank you, Festus.

Here's yorn, Miss Kitty.

Thank you.

And batches for you, Do.

OK.

Thank you, Festus.

Here, Matt.
-Oh.

Here.

Here's another one for you.

Kitty.

That's yours, Doc.

Matt.

Some of that writin's
so blame small I

reckon I made a mistake or two.

You made a mistake or three.

There's one for you in there.

Who'd be writin' to me?

Well, I imagine the
mystery will be cleared

up when you open the letter.

Uh, seems you got
your glasses on, Doc.

Maybe you could make
that out for me there.

Wait a minute for--

What's it sayin'?

Well, for Heaven's sake.

What's it say?

Kitty, look at that.

Look at that!

-What's it say?
-Matt, read this.

Look there.

Look at that.

Matthew, what's it say!

What's it say!

You, uh-- you remember a
fellow by the name of Grimes?

Petey Grimes?

Petey Grimes-- 'course I do!

He come through here
about three years ago

on his way to Montana.

I loaned him about $10 so's
he could get some goods to go

on to the gold field with.

Well, this letter here is from
an attorney in San Francisco.

Seems like your friend Grimes
hit it big in the gold fields

out there.

Lived high on the hog
and died a happy man.

He's left you some,
uh, some money.

You mean old Petey's gonna
pay me back the $10 he owes me?

It's a little bit
more than that.

You bet.

[laughs]

From church mouse to
tycoon in one little jump.

[music playing]

Festus, it's on the house.

Oh, Miss Kitty,
you know I don't

start drinking this early.

You're going to today.

Listen to this.

"Paid to the order of
Festus Haggen, $500!"

[music playing]

[coughs]

$500?

[music playing]

[theme music]

[yelling]

Get them pinchin'
hands offa me!

I'm gonna knock
knots on your head

faster than you can rub 'em if
you don't turn loose my coat.

I oughta bust you one
right between the horns.

You can see my freight wagon's
worth the loan of $200.

That?

That's not worth 200
cents as collateral.

Besides, we don't put up with
people barging into the bank.

Hold on, hold on, now!

What's going on here?

He threw an inkwell,
Festus, when Mr. Bodkin

refused to give him a loan.

I never did no
such a thing I kinda

scooted across the desk a little
when I touch it with my hand.

He created such a fuss
Miss Abigail near fainted!

Bankers!

All you know to do if foreclose
mortgages on innocent widows!

All right, hold on, hold on.

I'm ashamed of you, Titus.

Throwing inkwells!

What I'd oughta do is
put you in the calaboose.

That's what I'd oughta do.

Oh, Festus, I
didn't hit nobody.

I didn't mean no harm.

I just had to do something.

That miserable bunch
of skinflint bankers!

All right, all right.

Now I'll tell you
what I'm fixing to do.

If you'll promise not to
stir up no more ruckuses,

I'll take you in the Long
Branch and buy you a beer.

You trying to bribe me?

No, I ain't trying to
bribe you, you old knothead!

I'm just trying to
keep you out of jail.

Well, uh, that'd be your aim,
I guess you mean kinder by it.

But I ain't no charity case.

I'll buy the beer.

All right.

Seein' you stirred
up all this mess,

I'll just let you buy the beer.

Uh, Festus?

Could you sorta loan me $0.10?

Come on.

Rich, Festus.

Rich.

You mean rich just to
getting your wagon fixed?

No, not just fixing the wagon.

I found me a new
trail to Denver.

New trail to Denver?

This line here, that's
the regular stage

and freight route to Denver.

Go galawhopping all over
the place, don't it?

But look at this here underline.

That's the trail I found.

With my wagon fixed
and good nags,

I could open up a
regular freight line

and make $40 a trip two
or three times a month.

$40 a trip?

Two or three times
a month, maybe more.

You're sayin' getting
that wagon of yorn fixed

and buying them horses
would run you around $200?

Ah, it might as
well be a million.

Wait a minute.

$40 a trip.

Maybe four times a month.

Rich, I tell you.

Festus, I'd wind up a
rich man with proper gear

for a 300-mile haul.

Wait a minute here, now, Titus.

Maybe you're going about
this thing all wrong.

Instead of trying
to borrow the money,

did you ever think of maybe
getting yourself a partner?

50-50?

Partner putting up the money?

Ah, ain't nobody around here
got $200 'cept them bankers,

and they throwed me out.

Well, I better go
see about my team.

Uh, Titus, I'll maybe see you
down to the livery directly.

I just might have
me a friend that'd

want to get to be a partner
with you in this here business.

You got a friend with money?

Oh, might say he's a
pretty close friend, too.

I'll see him directly.

Oh, I'd say you'd
be shaving about

a week off the trip, Festus.

See, I'm always authorized
to send freight out of Dodge

by the cheapest route,
so I could give you all

the business you could handle.

All the business we can handle?

Sure.

I got a load back there
right now you could take out.

Much obliged, Burke.

Be right back.

This here's a map showing the
route our wagon'll take to get

to Denver in eight
days, and old Burt's

done told me that
he'll have more

business than I can handle.

Well, I know it's
a good idea to put

your money to work, Festus.

I guess this is as
good a way as any.

I'd say so, too.

I figured you'd think
it's a good idea.

Even old Doc said so.

I'm fixin' to go tell old Titus
he's got hisself a partner.

Much obliged for the advice.

I didn't know Titus
was in on this, Kitty.

Hm.

I'm not so sure we gave him
the right advice after all.

He's older than old Doc is.

--[inaudible] I can't get over
it, you cagey old coyote.

It was you all
along had the money.

It was Miss Kitty and
Matthew and Doc that talked me

into this, so if
things don't go right,

you'll be answering to them.

Think this here old
box'll patch up, do you?

Two day's work and
she'll be good as new.

We'll have a sign right
along here, "Titus

And Haggen Freight Company."

What's the matter
with Haggen and Titus?

Seein' as you're
investing your money,

it's right that
your name be first.

'Course it is.

Except that we don't want 'em
to think we're ignorant, do we?

We got to go this
alphabetical like.

Now don't T for Titus
come before H for Haggen?

[music playing]

I reckon that there
would be the proper way.

Yeah.

Get it on over yonder
to McGraw's and get

him to patchin' on it.

Uh, Festus?

I'll be needing your money.

Well, everybody in
town knows I got money.

Just go over yonder and
get whatever you need,

and tell him I'll
settle up later.

I'm going to go see Burke about
our first load of freight.

Anything I need?

[music playing]

[hammering and sawing]

All the hubbub goin'
on in yonder sound

like they're puttin'
on a heap of patches.

Ah, them fellers just hammer
around and make a lot of racket

to make you think
they're doing more

work than they actually are.

Why, without me keeping
my eye peeled on 'em,

they'd try to cheat us
out of our last nickle.

You mean my nickle.

Well, we're partners, ain't we?

One for all, and all for one.

What's yorn's mine,
and what's mine's yorn.

Well, I want to see what
yorn that belongs to me.

Oh, 'course you do,
Festus, 'cours you do.

And you're gonna to
just as soon as she's

all foxied up, which ain't yet.

And another thing.

Look at you.

You may be dressed all right
for a deputy maybe, but not

for a big, important
businessman.

--[inaudible] ain't nothing
wrong with these here duds.

Ain't nothing wrong
with a sage hen, neither.

But it's the peacock that
makes folks pay attention.

Now ain't that what we want
startin' up a new business?

It wouldn't hurt none to go
on over yonder to the Emporium,

see if they got
any fittin' duds.

A new suit, folk's would think
you was really some pumpkin'.

Get us more freight business.

Wouldn't hurt none to go
over yonder and browse around,

I reckon.

I'll see you directly.

Did you two ever see
this town so quiet?

I never did.

I haven't even had as much
as a sore throat to treat.

Not that I mind, but everybody
needs a little excitement.

[laughter]

I think you're just
about to get your wish.

[music playing]

Look at that!

[laughter]

Well, what are you
poppin' your eyeballs at?

This here's the latest
thing for businessmen.

You love marvelous, Festus.

Last time I saw a
fella dressed like that,

he was holding a lily.

Festus, uh, Titus was
in a little while ago.

He, uh, says your
wagon's about ready.

I ain't saw it yet, but I
hope they done some good fixin'

on it 'cause old Burke's got
a good, big load of freight

for us.

That reminds me.

Titus left these for you.

They're bills.

Sure is a heap of papers for a
few little old nails and a dab

or two of paint, ain't it?

Titus said that
some of them fellers

is liable to do some cheatin'.

Doc?

You got kind of a head
for figurin', seeing

as you're always
sending out them bills

that done in your patients.

You-- you could probably spot
somebody else's cheatin'.

All right, let me
have a look here.

Well, that's a little
high, and that-- by golly,

most of these look like--

Wait a minute, what's this?

Jab hooting steam calliope, $29?

Well, that there to
cheatin' right there.

If there's anything a feller
don't need to fixing up

a wagon, it's a steam calliope.

All right, as near
as I can figure out,

this whole thing comes to $402.

$402?

[calliope music]

What in thunder is
going on out there?

[calliope music]

$402!

Look out!

Look out!

Look out!

[calliope music]

All you're blame fancy
doodads and froofraws,

jab hootin' steam calliope!

$402?

It's supposed to be $200!

That was before I got
me a financial partner,

and it was you said
to get what I needed!

Well, I never figured we'd be
needin' no spangled up circus

wagon and a whole barn full of
prize horses to pull it with!

Aw, Festus, you just
ain't learned to think big.

You got to admit I started
off with a bang, didn't I?

Didn't you see
them folks staring?

Staring, my foot.

They was blinded!

Instead of fretting about
all these here fancy jeejaws,

you'd ought to have been
keepin' an eye on this painter.

Look here at all the painting
that's supposed to have

been did that ain't been did.

See?

It--

Well then, there's
buckshot holes.

Buckshot?

--[inaudible] Festus, I
believe you're right.

It musta happened before
I bought me the wagon.

FESTUS: Titus, I sure
hope you ain't telling me

no fibs, 'cause whoever put them
buckshot holes in this wagon

was sure shootin' at somebody.

[music playing]

Heah!

Come on!

Trail's a might
rough, Festus, but it

gets better after a spell.

There's a whole heap of things
better start to getting better.

Like I better start
getting back my $402.

You will, you will.

And I'll go you one
better than that.

Wouldn't it be better if we
got us a second wagon later on?

That's better than your better.

We'd make twice as much money.

Will you hush up
that silly jabberin'?

Here we ain't even got
started on our first run yet,

and your already taking
about two wagons.

You make me sick.

[music playing]

Six wagons!

Titus, your full of jellybeans.

Who's gonna pay for
all them wagons?

And with 10 wagons, we
could move into Nebraskee.

Buy up Wells Fargo.

[music playing]

A railroad!

The Titus and Haggen
Gold Plate Line.

We'd each have us a private car.

And then maybe a
string of paddlewheels

on the Mississippi!

Would you hush up about that?

The only thing I know is that
I got $402 tied up tighter

than a tick in this
here circus wagon,

and I aim to get
that back first.

Whoa!
Ho!

Hold up!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Uh, would you take over
the reins for a spell,

Festus, and I'll go back
and crawl under the tarp,

and take me a snooze.

Snooze?

Well, we're gonna be camping
for the night in about an hour,

you knothead.

I know, but when
I get the wearies,

I just fold up like
a empty feed sack.

It's a sorta condition.

I just feel my
eyelids snapping shut.

And there's nothing
you can do about it,

only get some shuteye.

Giddyup!

Yah!

Whoa!

All right, come on.

Get outta there, you
sweet little turnip.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm doing this
for a good reason.

A good reason, my hind leg.

I know why you slipped off back
here, 'cause you know'd there's

a gage coming up, didn't you?

It's a toll gate.

You gotta pay to get through.

And if they see me
back here, they'll

want to charge us for another.

Oh.

Get back in there.

Oh, howdy, fellers.

This here your
fellers' gate, is it?

Say, does this here gate
belong to you fellers, does it?

Paint.

Sure is some outfit.

What I was wondering
about was this here gate.

This is sure travelin'
in rich style.

I'm startin' up a new
fright run to Denver.

Now, about this here gate here.

Is that--

That gate be a toll gate.

Want to cross our
land, you got to pay.

We generally charge $1.

But a wagon like this--

I have to think on it.

You!

Thieving varmint!

We'll break your
skull [inaudible].

Turn me loose!

Turn me loose!

Mister, this cheatin'
skunk come through

here about two weeks ago.

We give him bed and grub!

And he snuck off
to his old wagon

you rode of without paying!

Took a shot at him,
but he got away.

Oh.

So that there's where that
buckshot come from, huh?

I didn't have no money, Festus.

Mister, you made a mistake
hiring this old rooster

for your flunky.

He'll cheat you just
like he done us.

Let us work him over.

He been nothing more than a
mealy mouthed little worm!

You gonna let 'em call
me names like that?

I been thinking along
them same lines myself.

How much this little
knothead owe you?

Oh--

Lodging.

Toll.

$2.

$2!

Yeah.

Worth $0.35.

If you're gonna
be paying for him,

we'll let bygones be bygones.

[inaudible].

All right with you fellers if
we was to camp out here tonight?

Up to they gate,
it'd be public land.

No skin offin' our teeth.

Now when you get settled down,
you come on up to the house.

Maybe ma will figure
out what to charge.

Come on, Amos.

You heard what they said.

They think you hired
me as your flunky.

When we get up to the house
there, you tell them the truth.

I'm your partner.

Oh, yeah, that'd make a whole
leap of sense, wouldn't it?

Them likein' you to a
polecat with the measles.

If we're gonna drive a fright
wagon, we got to pay toll.

We just got to pay
it, that's all.

Sides, if they knowed you
was a partner in this thing,

they'd charge us so blame
much toll we'd be plum

out of business, don't you see?

You got a point there, Festus.

Got more than a point, too.

That $402 I'm gonna get back.

All right, all right.

But maybe I can help a little,
knowing the folks a might.

Now you met Amos and Moody,
but their ma Mrs. Fowler,

she's the one you
got to cozy up to.

Rules the roost, she does.

Got a look that'd send a hungry
bear running back to his cave.

That's means they'll be
coming through regular, huh?

Well, we can't steer 'em
off by charging too much,

but we don't want to give
them no cut price, neither.

[bell ringing]

Here he comes, ma.

You boys done your part,
now I'm going to do mine.

You keep your mouths shut
your eyes open, you hear?

Your old ma knows how to
handle these Fancy Dans.

Amos and Moody's
bad enough, but Ma

Fowler, well, she's an hombre.

You get her riled up, and she
won't let us cross her land

for no amount of money.

Amos!

Moody!

I caught me the skunk
that fleeced us.

It's all right, ma.

He's the rich fella's funky.

He paid off.

Yeah.

Amos and Moody told
me all about you.

I'm Ma Fowler.

How do, ma'am.

My name's Festus Haggen.

I thought you was a Fancy
Dan, but I see different.

You got a look about you
even with them dudey clothes.

Come on in and sit.

Amos, Moody, you look Mr.
Haggen over real good.

If we get rich like
him, I want you

boys knowing how gents dress.

I ain't meaning to
be rude, Mr. Haggen,

but I likes what I see's in you.

You ain't hoity toity
like some of them

rich folk or holding your nose
like you got a bad smell then

it.

Maybe my boys could learn
a thing or two from you.

Well, thank you for thinking
what you're thinking,

ma'am, but I'd like to learn
something my own self, like how

much toll you fixin'
to charge for the wagon

for crossing your land?

You see, boys?

Rich folks don't waste no
time beating around the bush.

They come right out with it.

That's what I like
about you, Mr. Haggen,

because that's the way I be.

So I'll tell you.

I ain't made up my mind.

But I'll, um, ponder on it while
I'm rustling us up some supper.

You and your flunky
can sit with us.

The viddles ain't fancy,
but they're filling.

It'll cost you $0.50.

Amos, you bring some water.

Moody, fill the woodbox.

[inaudible].

[music playing]

You got her eating out of
the palm if your hand, Festus.

Yeah, and the only reason is
'cause she thinks I'm rich,

that's all.

And I'm fixin' to tell
her the truth, too.

What?

When she's made up her
mind to something else?

Oh, women don't take kindly to
making a mistake, especially

one like her.

I ain't gonna lie to her.

Keeping quiet ain't lying.

If she wants to think what
she thinks, well, fiddle--

And I'm thinkin' we
wouldn't be in this here

mess we're in right now
if it hadn't been for you.

Flossing up that there wagon,
and talking me into buying

these here dudey clothes.

It's them dudey
clothes that got

Mrs. Fowler cozying up to you.

The way it is now,
you could sweet

talk her into most
anything, like maybe

us not paying no toll at all.

Aw!

I ain't made up my mind
about the toll charge.

I wants to be fair.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

I ain't above slickern'
with guys that slicker me.

No, ma'am.

But you didn't
try to slicker me.

You got money, and
you don't hide it,

what with your fancy
clothes and the wagon.

Oh, Festus-- I mean,
Mr. Haggen here-- there

just ain't nobody anymore
honester than him.

My boys tell me that you'll
be coming through here regular,

and that you're starting to
freight run up to Denver?

Yes'm, that there is right.

But you be already rich, so
you must have other wagons

going other places.

Other wagons, ma'am?

Why, him, he don't even bother
counting his other wagons.

Ain't that so, Festus?

Counting wagons?

See what I mean?

And I'll tell you why he
don't count 'em, 'cause he's

got other irons in the fire.

Why, just this very
day, Mr. Haggen and me

was talking about
starting up a railroad,

and a dozen big, white
Mississippi sternwheelers.

Now, ain't that so, Mr. Haggen?

It was you was doing the--

Railroad?

Steamboats?

Well, with railroads and
steamboats and wagons,

you must be plum smart, so I
ain't going to try to outsmart

you on the total charge.

We'll talk about
it after supper.

And it be ready, so
come on, let's sit.

Now where's your sister at?

I swear, that
child's never around.

You know, Dora Lou, she's
pretty as a picture.

She takes after her poor,
dead pa, may he rest in peace.

Amos, you go fetch
your sister here.

Yes, ma.

That's there's a might
pretty name, Dora Lou.

I'll be real pleased
to meet up with her.

I get along right
good with youngins.

Dora Lou!

Ma says it'd be
time for viddles.

You get in here now, you hear?

She be coming, ma.

Mighty sorry I'm late, ma.

I was just-- oh.

Dora Lou, I'd like you to
meet up with Mr. Haggen.

How do, Miss Fowler.

And this one's his paid flunky.

My name's Titus.

H-how do.

Oh, them be pretty flowers.

Fixed yourself up
for company, huh?

I didn't know we had
us any company, ma.

Then what good is flowers?

Ma!

Oh, him.

I ain't much hungry, ma.

She's moonin' over
Clarence Carver, ma.

Moody!

Him and his hardscrabble
farm, patch pocket poor.

He'll never be nothing else.

Well, he's no poorer than us.

More's the pity, child.

You know, you're too good
for the likes of him.

Now, you take Mr.
Haggen over there.

He made something of hisself,
and his wife don't have to eat

no hogback and turnip greens.

Oh, I-- I ain't
married up, ma'am.

I-- I never got around to that.

Ain't married up?

Rich fella like you?

Don't seem possible some
smart gal ain't managed that.

I bet you would
give your wife silk

dresses, and jewelry, and
servants, and a fancy carriage.

Speaking of carriages, ain't
no sense in yours sitting

out in the weather.

After you've et, you just
bring it right into the barn.

Much obliged, ma'am.

Mr. Haggen, you must think
we ain't got no manners.

I don't know what
I'm thinking about,

putting both us women fold on
the same side of the table.

Moody, change places
with your sister.

-Huh?
-You heared me!

Move!

Sure, ma.

Well, that be a
might sight better.

No one can say us Fowlers
ain't got manners.

Y-you after
this'un, Mr. Haggen?

No, ma'am, I was aiming
this here'un for you.

Well, turn loose if it, then.

I can't sit with you
holding it, can I?

Amos, Moody, look
at your sister.

She never sat herself
down beside a rich fella

with fancy clothes before.

She takes to it like
she was a born princess.

Class will tell every time!

[music playing]

It sure is good to be
out of that blamed house.

And saw what that old
lady Fowler's been up to?

I seen it before you did.

Perfectly natural
for a mother to want

to marry her daughter up to a
big steamship and railroad man.

Cut that out!

I ain't no such a
thing, and you know it.

Well, you know
it and I know it,

but Ma Fowler,
she don't know it.

Well, she don't know it,
but I'm fixin' to tell her.

Festus, the second
worst thing a man can do

is to scorn a woman, and
the worstest thing he can do

is to scorn her daughter.

Now, do you want
to lose that $400?

It's $402, and even if it is,
I ain't gonna marry Dora Lou.

Festus, I do believe you
ain't dry behind the ears yet.

Don't you know what has to be
did before a fella marries up?

One thing, he's got to
want to get were married up.

You got to court her,
and courting means

nothing at all, nothing at all.

All you got to do is
look like a sick sheep

and do little spooning.

Spooning!

I ain't gonna to do
no sp-- it wouldn't

be fair to that poor little girl
to have her think that I was

courtin' her for actual real.

Girls love to be courted.

Why, you'd be doing her a favor.

[inaudible] bringing the rosy
to her cheeks and a sparkle

to her eye.

Why, we'd driving the
wagons across the land

and not paying not toll at all.

MA FOWLER: You ain't never
had a chance like this before,

and you ain't never
gonna get another.

I don't want Mr.
Haggen. I wants Clarence.

But you don't your old
ma, or Amos, or Moody

to have anything, is that it?

After all we done for you.

Can't you see he's rich
enough for all of us?

Mr. Haggen's coming.

You perk up here

Your wagon all right?

Yes'm, it's all right.

Sit down, Mr. Haggen.

No, you be the guest of honor.

You take the sofa
next to Dora Lou.

Scooch over, Dora.

[romantic music]

--[inaudible] pretty
music, Festus?

Ah, it takes me back to
my own courtin' days.

Mr. Haggen, this
freight line of yours.

You'll be coming through
here steady like?

Yes'm, I reckon we will.

Well then, why don't
you make our house

your regular stopping place?

Well, that there's
mighty kind of you, ma'am,

but you ain't told me
what the toll's gonna be.

Toll?

What toll?

If you're gonna be
stopping here regular,

you'd be just like
one of the family.

We don't charge kinfolk.

[knock on door]

What you want, Clarence?

CLARENCE: I be
calling on Dora Lou.

I brung her some posies.

Clarence!

I been hinting for months that
you ain't welcome around here.

You ain't got nothing
but a hardscrabble farm,

and that ain't good
enough for my Dora Lou.

You don't want the posies?

You either.

Now.

[music playing]

Clarence!

[sobbing]

Ma'am, that there appeared
like a right fine young feller.

There's a big mistake here.

A mother knows best, Mr.
Haggen, and I'm beholden to you

for saving Dora Lou from
a lifetime of heartache.

Appears like she's got a
good case of that right now.

What's a few minutes
of tears compared to 50

years of trying to
scratch out a living

in a farm like Clarence's?

And when she gets
to know you better,

I'm sure she'll know
the truth of it.

Come morning, I'm going to
make you and Dora Lou a real

find breakfast.

You'll be surprised how
bright and cheery she'll be.

Give me the lamp, Amos.

This be the start of a
real fine friendship.

Well, I'll show
you and your flunky

where to bed down,
Mr. Haggen. Maybe

it's time I started
calling you Festus.

[music playing]

[snoring]

[door opening]

Miss Dora Lou!

Please, Mr.
Haggen, not so loud.

What in the tarnation you
doing traipsing around in here?

I was in my room
thinking on it,

and, well, I had
to come see you.

You lookie here, Dora Lou--

No, no lookie here, Mr. Haggen.
I come to tell you something--

Shh!

---and I'm gonna say it.

You-- you come prancing in
here in your fancy clothes

and your fancy wagon, and
boasting about your railroads

and you steamboats.
-I never boasted--

And thinking you can just
wiggle your finger, and women

folk'll come a'chasing you?
-I never--

Well, you just
wiggle your finger

at those that want your-- your
jewelry and your silk dresses

and your mansions.
You hear?

I--

'Cause I ain't one of 'em .

I'm gonna marry
up with Clarence.

I don't-- I don't be knowing
how, but ma and Moody and Amos,

they ain't gonna stop me.

So you can just do
whatever you want to,

Mr. Fancypants rich man.

I ain't for sale.

Are you done talkin', are you?

You want some more?

I wasn't even
wanting that much,

so why don't you just walk back
and go through that whole thing

one more time?

What-- what you be meaning?

I'll tell you what I'm meaning.

You're making a
whopping big mistake,

that's what I'm meaning.

Well, just listen to you!

I'll be having you know
that Clarence is good as you

any old day!

Oh, maybe he ain't got your
money or your slick ways--

Whoa, now!

I made a mistake sayin'
you made a mistake,

but the mistake
I'm talking about

is the mistake you
made before the mistake

that you're thinking I'm
talking about, don't you see?

Mr. Haggen, I be nothing more
than a plain old backwoods gal,

but don't be thinking you
can get me all addled up

with your smooth talk.

Wait a minute!

What I'm trying to tell you
is we both been listening

to too blame much talk.

Now you take old
Titus in there--

Shh!

Talking me into buying
these here dudey clothes

and railroads, and talking
me into not talking

when your ma's talking about me
being rich and stuff like that,

and that I can buy
you fancy jewels

and steamboats and all that.

--[inaudible] You
sayin' you can't?

Well, of course I can't!

Can't marry you.

You don't like me.

Well, it ain't that.

Just this whole silly thing.

And come mornin', I'm
fixing to tell your ma,

too, toll road or no toll road.

You be meanin' that?

'Course I do.

You mean me and
Clarance-- oh, Mr. Haggen!

I think you're just--
just the loveablest man!

Wait!

And I want to give
you a-- a big kiss!

[music playing]

I'm caught!
I'm caught!

You just-- just wait!

Want me to shoot him, ma?

You'd be too late for that.

What's done is done.

You done disgraced our Dora Lou.

May be only one way out.

Amos, you get over
to the settlement,

and when you comes back, you
bring Parson Mueller with you,

you hear?

Yeah, ma.

[music playing]

[crying]

Ma, you-- you just
don't understand.

Oh, hush up.

Hush up, weren't your fault.
It's my fault, I reckon.

I never warned you
about those things.

You got to listen to me, ma'am.

There here wasn't--

Shut up!

We'll go find my
old wedding dress.

Oh, no!

The one me and your
pa was married in.

Moody!

[inaudible]

You got the wrong idea.

This hear ain't nothing
like you think it is.

See, you're lying.

The words I'm going to listen to
is after the Parson gets here.

One good thing
about this, Haggen,

you be disgracing my family,
but leastwise you got

the money to make up for it.

I never had a rich
brother-in-law before.

Don't try nothing funny.

I'll be right outside.

[door locking]

Look at it this way, Festus.

You'll be part of a
family, and maybe we

won't have to pay no toll
at all to cross the land

with our freight wagon.

Freight wagon!

Is that all your puny little
old head can think of,

is freight wagons?

I keep trying to be practical.

You want me to be what
you call your best man?

There ain't gonna
be no wedding.

[inaudible] I tell you.

No, don't go out the window!

Get out of my way!

Marriage ain't all that bad.

I'm going back to
Dodge and get Matthew.

And I'm gonna bring
him back here,

and me and him, we're gonna this
dadburn mess straightened out,

that's what we're gonna do.

Well, if you made up your
mind to go, I'm going with you.

You ain't gonna
do no such thing.

I'm gonna be moving too fast.

Besides, I'll be lucky
if I can get out here

without old Moody hearing
me, and if he does,

there's libel to be buckshot
flyin' every which way.

I'll stay here.

I'll stay here!

[music playing]

CLARENCE: I knowed I'd
catch you if I hung around.

You'll be thinkin' you could
steal my Dora Lou, huh?

No, Clarence.

I ain't try to steal Dora Lou.

Don't be trying no
rich man lies on me.

I'm getting so tired of
trying to tell anybody

anything around this place!

Well, I'm gonna be telling
you something with my fist.

Shootin' would be
too good for you.

There ain't no call to
be fightin' Clarence.

Just listen to me.

Scared, huh?

If you was a man, you'd be
willing to fight for Dora Lou.

Well.

We're fixin' to do some talking.

We're fixin' to be fightin'.

Talkin'.

Fightin'!

[music playing]

I-- I'm ready, ma.

If you'd just listen.

MOODY: What's to listen to?

We seen what we seen, didn't we?

[inaudible] save your
breath for sayin' "I do."

[inaudible] the Parson.

I'll drag down the bridegroom.

Morning, Parson Mueller.

Kindly of you to come.

Amos has acquainted me
with the circumstances.

Oh, now, my dear child.

To err is human.

[sobbing]

[wedding music]

[footsteps]

Oh, yes, yes.

The, uh, lucky bridegroom.

No, no, no.

I'm--

This worm ain't the bridegroom.

Got clean away.

Well, he won't be
getting away with it.

You boys get a move on
and track him down, hear?

We'll shoot him down.

There ain't a jury in
the world would touch us.

Hold on!

You bring him back
alive, you hear?

Shall I wait?

I reckon you
better wait, Parson?

Be kind of good to have somebody
listenin' that ain't done

already made up their mind.

What in the fire
happened, Festus?

Oh, I run into
old Clarence here,

and he wanted to do
some fighting, and I

wanted to do some talkin'.

He got his way first.

We oughta talked first.

This here Festus, whooee!

He sure packs a whallop.

Appears like I was
wrong about Mr. Haggen.

Appears like being
wrong about Mr. Haggen

is getting to be a
habit around here.

First off, you was wrong
about me an Dora Lou.

I seen what I seen.

You turned her into
a wanton woman.

She was wanting to
talk, that's all.

Just talk.

Appears to me like you
been seeing a whole mess

of things without thinkin'.

First off, you seen
that fancy wagon,

and then you seen these
here dudey clothes,

and what did you start
thinkin' right off the bat?

Oh, he's rich.

Well, I ain't rich!

You expect a body
to believe that?

What about your other
wagons and the railroad?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, now.

You just start to recollect.

You never heared me say one
word about no such things.

What I ought to have
did the very first thing

was to tell you that I didn't
own but half of that wagon.

Only half?

Well now, who'd be
owning the other half?

That little knothead.

Old Titus there,
he ain't my flunky.

He was my partner.

What do you mean
was your partner?

Oh, you got yourself
a new partner, Titus.

I sold my half to Clarence here.
Right, Clarence?

Right.

FESTUS: He's fixin' to pay
me back out of the profits.

You ain't rich?

No, I ain't rich!

Put up that gun, Mr. Haggen.
Maybe I been a might foolish.

There's not going
to be a wedding?

Mrs. Fowler, you all
that's been jawin'

that I weren't good
enough for Dora Lou

with only a hardscrabble farm?

Well, I ain't a farmer no more.

I'm in the freight business.

Oh, Clarence!

Hold it.

With him in a family and
you owning the toll road,

we could make a mint of money!

Ma?

Like I said, I-- I done
said I've been foolish.

Clarence, you work hard on
that freight line, you hear?

Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure will.

Excuse me, Parson.

So, you be my new
son-in-law's partner, huh?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I reckon
it's sorta fittin'

that you're wearing my dear
departed husband's night shirt.

You're a bit scrawnier than
him, but something like him.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here

today in the sight of God--

--[inaudible] getting
in trouble [inaudible].

Well, I wouldn't have
got in no trouble at all

if it hadn't of been
for listening to you.

You're the one that talked me
into buying into the freightin'

business with old Titus.

I had nothing--
you can't blame me--

[music playing]

Right there is when you should
have come to me for advice,

when you sold your partnership
in the freight business

to Clarence.

What'd I want to do that for?

I'm gettin' my
money back, ain't I?

Festus, in the world
of business and finance,

you always ask for interest.

Oh, Clarence, he's got
a whole heap of interest.

Why, he's got plans
that you wouldn't--

That's not what I mean at all.

What I mean is I mean
money interest, you see?

Like 3% or 4% at least.

I don't know about that,
but he's giving me $50 extra

over the $400.

He is?

Would that there
be the same thing?

Hm.

Amazing.

Well, never mind the interest.

No, you don't.

There you go again, startin'
something and droppin' it

like a hot skillet.

Now, if I'm supposed to
be interested in interest,

you'd oughta have
enough interest

to tell me about
interest so that I

can get interested in interest.

But if you ain't
got enough interest

in my interest in interest,
well then, you can keep--

Doc!

You just ain't got
no interest at all!

[music playing]

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned
for exciting scenes

from our next "Gunsmoke."

[theme music]