Original subtitles

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "Gunsmoke," starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Mm!

Say, that's good coffee, Kitty.

That's good.

What's-- what's the secret?

Eggshells.

Eggshells!

Certainly!

Why don't you try eggshells?

Why can't you make coffee like this?

I don't know that you turned any of mine down.

Stage come in with the mail.

Oh, good.

Let's see here, now.

Them there's for you, Matt.

Thank you, Festus.

Here's yorn, Miss Kitty.

Thank you.

And batches for you, Do.

OK.

Thank you, Festus.

Here, Matt. -Oh.

Here.

Here's another one for you.

Kitty.

That's yours, Doc.

Matt.

Some of that writin's so blame small I

reckon I made a mistake or two.

You made a mistake or three.

There's one for you in there.

Who'd be writin' to me?

Well, I imagine the mystery will be cleared

up when you open the letter.

Uh, seems you got your glasses on, Doc.

Maybe you could make that out for me there.

Wait a minute for--

What's it sayin'?

Well, for Heaven's sake.

What's it say?

Kitty, look at that.

Look at that!

-What's it say? -Matt, read this.

Look there.

Look at that.

Matthew, what's it say!

What's it say!

You, uh-- you remember a fellow by the name of Grimes?

Petey Grimes?

Petey Grimes-- 'course I do!

He come through here about three years ago

on his way to Montana.

I loaned him about $10 so's he could get some goods to go

on to the gold field with.

Well, this letter here is from an attorney in San Francisco.

Seems like your friend Grimes hit it big in the gold fields

out there.

Lived high on the hog and died a happy man.

He's left you some, uh, some money.

You mean old Petey's gonna pay me back the $10 he owes me?

It's a little bit more than that.

You bet.

[laughs]

From church mouse to tycoon in one little jump.

[music playing]

Festus, it's on the house.

Oh, Miss Kitty, you know I don't

start drinking this early.

You're going to today.

Listen to this.

"Paid to the order of Festus Haggen, $500!"

[music playing]

[coughs]

$500?

[music playing]

[theme music]

[yelling]

Get them pinchin' hands offa me!

I'm gonna knock knots on your head

faster than you can rub 'em if you don't turn loose my coat.

I oughta bust you one right between the horns.

You can see my freight wagon's worth the loan of $200.

That?

That's not worth 200 cents as collateral.

Besides, we don't put up with people barging into the bank.

Hold on, hold on, now!

What's going on here?

He threw an inkwell, Festus, when Mr. Bodkin

refused to give him a loan.

I never did no such a thing I kinda

scooted across the desk a little when I touch it with my hand.

He created such a fuss Miss Abigail near fainted!

Bankers!

All you know to do if foreclose mortgages on innocent widows!

All right, hold on, hold on.

I'm ashamed of you, Titus.

Throwing inkwells!

What I'd oughta do is put you in the calaboose.

That's what I'd oughta do.

Oh, Festus, I didn't hit nobody.

I didn't mean no harm.

I just had to do something.

That miserable bunch of skinflint bankers!

All right, all right.

Now I'll tell you what I'm fixing to do.

If you'll promise not to stir up no more ruckuses,

I'll take you in the Long Branch and buy you a beer.

You trying to bribe me?

No, I ain't trying to bribe you, you old knothead!

I'm just trying to keep you out of jail.

Well, uh, that'd be your aim, I guess you mean kinder by it.

But I ain't no charity case.

I'll buy the beer.

All right.

Seein' you stirred up all this mess,

I'll just let you buy the beer.

Uh, Festus?

Could you sorta loan me $0.10?

Come on.

Rich, Festus.

Rich.

You mean rich just to getting your wagon fixed?

No, not just fixing the wagon.

I found me a new trail to Denver.

New trail to Denver?

This line here, that's the regular stage

and freight route to Denver.

Go galawhopping all over the place, don't it?

But look at this here underline.

That's the trail I found.

With my wagon fixed and good nags,

I could open up a regular freight line

and make $40 a trip two or three times a month.

$40 a trip?

Two or three times a month, maybe more.

You're sayin' getting that wagon of yorn fixed

and buying them horses would run you around $200?

Ah, it might as well be a million.

Wait a minute.

$40 a trip.

Maybe four times a month.

Rich, I tell you.

Festus, I'd wind up a rich man with proper gear

for a 300-mile haul.

Wait a minute here, now, Titus.

Maybe you're going about this thing all wrong.

Instead of trying to borrow the money,

did you ever think of maybe getting yourself a partner?

50-50?

Partner putting up the money?

Ah, ain't nobody around here got $200 'cept them bankers,

and they throwed me out.

Well, I better go see about my team.

Uh, Titus, I'll maybe see you down to the livery directly.

I just might have me a friend that'd

want to get to be a partner with you in this here business.

You got a friend with money?

Oh, might say he's a pretty close friend, too.

I'll see him directly.

Oh, I'd say you'd be shaving about

a week off the trip, Festus.

See, I'm always authorized to send freight out of Dodge

by the cheapest route, so I could give you all

the business you could handle.

All the business we can handle?

Sure.

I got a load back there right now you could take out.

Much obliged, Burke.

Be right back.

This here's a map showing the route our wagon'll take to get

to Denver in eight days, and old Burt's

done told me that he'll have more

business than I can handle.

Well, I know it's a good idea to put

your money to work, Festus.

I guess this is as good a way as any.

I'd say so, too.

I figured you'd think it's a good idea.

Even old Doc said so.

I'm fixin' to go tell old Titus he's got hisself a partner.

Much obliged for the advice.

I didn't know Titus was in on this, Kitty.

Hm.

I'm not so sure we gave him the right advice after all.

He's older than old Doc is.

--[inaudible] I can't get over it, you cagey old coyote.

It was you all along had the money.

It was Miss Kitty and Matthew and Doc that talked me

into this, so if things don't go right,

you'll be answering to them.

Think this here old box'll patch up, do you?

Two day's work and she'll be good as new.

We'll have a sign right along here, "Titus

And Haggen Freight Company."

What's the matter with Haggen and Titus?

Seein' as you're investing your money,

it's right that your name be first.

'Course it is.

Except that we don't want 'em to think we're ignorant, do we?

We got to go this alphabetical like.

Now don't T for Titus come before H for Haggen?

[music playing]

I reckon that there would be the proper way.

Yeah.

Get it on over yonder to McGraw's and get

him to patchin' on it.

Uh, Festus?

I'll be needing your money.

Well, everybody in town knows I got money.

Just go over yonder and get whatever you need,

and tell him I'll settle up later.

I'm going to go see Burke about our first load of freight.

Anything I need?

[music playing]

[hammering and sawing]

All the hubbub goin' on in yonder sound

like they're puttin' on a heap of patches.

Ah, them fellers just hammer around and make a lot of racket

to make you think they're doing more

work than they actually are.

Why, without me keeping my eye peeled on 'em,

they'd try to cheat us out of our last nickle.

You mean my nickle.

Well, we're partners, ain't we?

One for all, and all for one.

What's yorn's mine, and what's mine's yorn.

Well, I want to see what yorn that belongs to me.

Oh, 'course you do, Festus, 'cours you do.

And you're gonna to just as soon as she's

all foxied up, which ain't yet.

And another thing.

Look at you.

You may be dressed all right for a deputy maybe, but not

for a big, important businessman.

--[inaudible] ain't nothing wrong with these here duds.

Ain't nothing wrong with a sage hen, neither.

But it's the peacock that makes folks pay attention.

Now ain't that what we want startin' up a new business?

It wouldn't hurt none to go on over yonder to the Emporium,

see if they got any fittin' duds.

A new suit, folk's would think you was really some pumpkin'.

Get us more freight business.

Wouldn't hurt none to go over yonder and browse around,

I reckon.

I'll see you directly.

Did you two ever see this town so quiet?

I never did.

I haven't even had as much as a sore throat to treat.

Not that I mind, but everybody needs a little excitement.

[laughter]

I think you're just about to get your wish.

[music playing]

Look at that!

[laughter]

Well, what are you poppin' your eyeballs at?

This here's the latest thing for businessmen.

You love marvelous, Festus.

Last time I saw a fella dressed like that,

he was holding a lily.

Festus, uh, Titus was in a little while ago.

He, uh, says your wagon's about ready.

I ain't saw it yet, but I hope they done some good fixin'

on it 'cause old Burke's got a good, big load of freight

for us.

That reminds me.

Titus left these for you.

They're bills.

Sure is a heap of papers for a few little old nails and a dab

or two of paint, ain't it?

Titus said that some of them fellers

is liable to do some cheatin'.

Doc?

You got kind of a head for figurin', seeing

as you're always sending out them bills

that done in your patients.

You-- you could probably spot somebody else's cheatin'.

All right, let me have a look here.

Well, that's a little high, and that-- by golly,

most of these look like--

Wait a minute, what's this?

Jab hooting steam calliope, $29?

Well, that there to cheatin' right there.

If there's anything a feller don't need to fixing up

a wagon, it's a steam calliope.

All right, as near as I can figure out,

this whole thing comes to $402.

$402?

[calliope music]

What in thunder is going on out there?

[calliope music]

$402!

Look out!

Look out!

Look out!

[calliope music]

All you're blame fancy doodads and froofraws,

jab hootin' steam calliope!

$402?

It's supposed to be $200!

That was before I got me a financial partner,

and it was you said to get what I needed!

Well, I never figured we'd be needin' no spangled up circus

wagon and a whole barn full of prize horses to pull it with!

Aw, Festus, you just ain't learned to think big.

You got to admit I started off with a bang, didn't I?

Didn't you see them folks staring?

Staring, my foot.

They was blinded!

Instead of fretting about all these here fancy jeejaws,

you'd ought to have been keepin' an eye on this painter.

Look here at all the painting that's supposed to have

been did that ain't been did.

See?

It--

Well then, there's buckshot holes.

Buckshot?

--[inaudible] Festus, I believe you're right.

It musta happened before I bought me the wagon.

FESTUS: Titus, I sure hope you ain't telling me

no fibs, 'cause whoever put them buckshot holes in this wagon

was sure shootin' at somebody.

[music playing]

Heah!

Come on!

Trail's a might rough, Festus, but it

gets better after a spell.

There's a whole heap of things better start to getting better.

Like I better start getting back my $402.

You will, you will.

And I'll go you one better than that.

Wouldn't it be better if we got us a second wagon later on?

That's better than your better.

We'd make twice as much money.

Will you hush up that silly jabberin'?

Here we ain't even got started on our first run yet,

and your already taking about two wagons.

You make me sick.

[music playing]

Six wagons!

Titus, your full of jellybeans.

Who's gonna pay for all them wagons?

And with 10 wagons, we could move into Nebraskee.

Buy up Wells Fargo.

[music playing]

A railroad!

The Titus and Haggen Gold Plate Line.

We'd each have us a private car.

And then maybe a string of paddlewheels

on the Mississippi!

Would you hush up about that?

The only thing I know is that I got $402 tied up tighter

than a tick in this here circus wagon,

and I aim to get that back first.

Whoa! Ho!

Hold up!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Uh, would you take over the reins for a spell,

Festus, and I'll go back and crawl under the tarp,

and take me a snooze.

Snooze?

Well, we're gonna be camping for the night in about an hour,

you knothead.

I know, but when I get the wearies,

I just fold up like a empty feed sack.

It's a sorta condition.

I just feel my eyelids snapping shut.

And there's nothing you can do about it,

only get some shuteye.

Giddyup!

Yah!

Whoa!

All right, come on.

Get outta there, you sweet little turnip.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm doing this for a good reason.

A good reason, my hind leg.

I know why you slipped off back here, 'cause you know'd there's

a gage coming up, didn't you?

It's a toll gate.

You gotta pay to get through.

And if they see me back here, they'll

want to charge us for another.

Oh.

Get back in there.

Oh, howdy, fellers.

This here your fellers' gate, is it?

Say, does this here gate belong to you fellers, does it?

Paint.

Sure is some outfit.

What I was wondering about was this here gate.

This is sure travelin' in rich style.

I'm startin' up a new fright run to Denver.

Now, about this here gate here.

Is that--

That gate be a toll gate.

Want to cross our land, you got to pay.

We generally charge $1.

But a wagon like this--

I have to think on it.

You!

Thieving varmint!

We'll break your skull [inaudible].

Turn me loose!

Turn me loose!

Mister, this cheatin' skunk come through

here about two weeks ago.

We give him bed and grub!

And he snuck off to his old wagon

you rode of without paying!

Took a shot at him, but he got away.

Oh.

So that there's where that buckshot come from, huh?

I didn't have no money, Festus.

Mister, you made a mistake hiring this old rooster

for your flunky.

He'll cheat you just like he done us.

Let us work him over.

He been nothing more than a mealy mouthed little worm!

You gonna let 'em call me names like that?

I been thinking along them same lines myself.

How much this little knothead owe you?

Oh--

Lodging.

Toll.

$2.

$2!

Yeah.

Worth $0.35.

If you're gonna be paying for him,

we'll let bygones be bygones.

[inaudible].

All right with you fellers if we was to camp out here tonight?

Up to they gate, it'd be public land.

No skin offin' our teeth.

Now when you get settled down, you come on up to the house.

Maybe ma will figure out what to charge.

Come on, Amos.

You heard what they said.

They think you hired me as your flunky.

When we get up to the house there, you tell them the truth.

I'm your partner.

Oh, yeah, that'd make a whole leap of sense, wouldn't it?

Them likein' you to a polecat with the measles.

If we're gonna drive a fright wagon, we got to pay toll.

We just got to pay it, that's all.

Sides, if they knowed you was a partner in this thing,

they'd charge us so blame much toll we'd be plum

out of business, don't you see?

You got a point there, Festus.

Got more than a point, too.

That $402 I'm gonna get back.

All right, all right.

But maybe I can help a little, knowing the folks a might.

Now you met Amos and Moody, but their ma Mrs. Fowler,

she's the one you got to cozy up to.

Rules the roost, she does.

Got a look that'd send a hungry bear running back to his cave.

That's means they'll be coming through regular, huh?

Well, we can't steer 'em off by charging too much,

but we don't want to give them no cut price, neither.

[bell ringing]

Here he comes, ma.

You boys done your part, now I'm going to do mine.

You keep your mouths shut your eyes open, you hear?

Your old ma knows how to handle these Fancy Dans.

Amos and Moody's bad enough, but Ma

Fowler, well, she's an hombre.

You get her riled up, and she won't let us cross her land

for no amount of money.

Amos!

Moody!

I caught me the skunk that fleeced us.

It's all right, ma.

He's the rich fella's funky.

He paid off.

Yeah.

Amos and Moody told me all about you.

I'm Ma Fowler.

How do, ma'am.

My name's Festus Haggen.

I thought you was a Fancy Dan, but I see different.

You got a look about you even with them dudey clothes.

Come on in and sit.

Amos, Moody, you look Mr. Haggen over real good.

If we get rich like him, I want you

boys knowing how gents dress.

I ain't meaning to be rude, Mr. Haggen,

but I likes what I see's in you.

You ain't hoity toity like some of them

rich folk or holding your nose like you got a bad smell then

it.

Maybe my boys could learn a thing or two from you.

Well, thank you for thinking what you're thinking,

ma'am, but I'd like to learn something my own self, like how

much toll you fixin' to charge for the wagon

for crossing your land?

You see, boys?

Rich folks don't waste no time beating around the bush.

They come right out with it.

That's what I like about you, Mr. Haggen,

because that's the way I be.

So I'll tell you.

I ain't made up my mind.

But I'll, um, ponder on it while I'm rustling us up some supper.

You and your flunky can sit with us.

The viddles ain't fancy, but they're filling.

It'll cost you $0.50.

Amos, you bring some water.

Moody, fill the woodbox.

[inaudible].

[music playing]

You got her eating out of the palm if your hand, Festus.

Yeah, and the only reason is 'cause she thinks I'm rich,

that's all.

And I'm fixin' to tell her the truth, too.

What?

When she's made up her mind to something else?

Oh, women don't take kindly to making a mistake, especially

one like her.

I ain't gonna lie to her.

Keeping quiet ain't lying.

If she wants to think what she thinks, well, fiddle--

And I'm thinkin' we wouldn't be in this here

mess we're in right now if it hadn't been for you.

Flossing up that there wagon, and talking me into buying

these here dudey clothes.

It's them dudey clothes that got

Mrs. Fowler cozying up to you.

The way it is now, you could sweet

talk her into most anything, like maybe

us not paying no toll at all.

Aw!

I ain't made up my mind about the toll charge.

I wants to be fair.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

I ain't above slickern' with guys that slicker me.

No, ma'am.

But you didn't try to slicker me.

You got money, and you don't hide it,

what with your fancy clothes and the wagon.

Oh, Festus-- I mean, Mr. Haggen here-- there

just ain't nobody anymore honester than him.

My boys tell me that you'll be coming through here regular,

and that you're starting to freight run up to Denver?

Yes'm, that there is right.

But you be already rich, so you must have other wagons

going other places.

Other wagons, ma'am?

Why, him, he don't even bother counting his other wagons.

Ain't that so, Festus?

Counting wagons?

See what I mean?

And I'll tell you why he don't count 'em, 'cause he's

got other irons in the fire.

Why, just this very day, Mr. Haggen and me

was talking about starting up a railroad,

and a dozen big, white Mississippi sternwheelers.

Now, ain't that so, Mr. Haggen?

It was you was doing the--

Railroad?

Steamboats?

Well, with railroads and steamboats and wagons,

you must be plum smart, so I ain't going to try to outsmart

you on the total charge.

We'll talk about it after supper.

And it be ready, so come on, let's sit.

Now where's your sister at?

I swear, that child's never around.

You know, Dora Lou, she's pretty as a picture.

She takes after her poor, dead pa, may he rest in peace.

Amos, you go fetch your sister here.

Yes, ma.

That's there's a might pretty name, Dora Lou.

I'll be real pleased to meet up with her.

I get along right good with youngins.

Dora Lou!

Ma says it'd be time for viddles.

You get in here now, you hear?

She be coming, ma.

Mighty sorry I'm late, ma.

I was just-- oh.

Dora Lou, I'd like you to meet up with Mr. Haggen.

How do, Miss Fowler.

And this one's his paid flunky.

My name's Titus.

H-how do.

Oh, them be pretty flowers.

Fixed yourself up for company, huh?

I didn't know we had us any company, ma.

Then what good is flowers?

Ma!

Oh, him.

I ain't much hungry, ma.

She's moonin' over Clarence Carver, ma.

Moody!

Him and his hardscrabble farm, patch pocket poor.

He'll never be nothing else.

Well, he's no poorer than us.

More's the pity, child.

You know, you're too good for the likes of him.

Now, you take Mr. Haggen over there.

He made something of hisself, and his wife don't have to eat

no hogback and turnip greens.

Oh, I-- I ain't married up, ma'am.

I-- I never got around to that.

Ain't married up?

Rich fella like you?

Don't seem possible some smart gal ain't managed that.

I bet you would give your wife silk

dresses, and jewelry, and servants, and a fancy carriage.

Speaking of carriages, ain't no sense in yours sitting

out in the weather.

After you've et, you just bring it right into the barn.

Much obliged, ma'am.

Mr. Haggen, you must think we ain't got no manners.

I don't know what I'm thinking about,

putting both us women fold on the same side of the table.

Moody, change places with your sister.

-Huh? -You heared me!

Move!

Sure, ma.

Well, that be a might sight better.

No one can say us Fowlers ain't got manners.

Y-you after this'un, Mr. Haggen?

No, ma'am, I was aiming this here'un for you.

Well, turn loose if it, then.

I can't sit with you holding it, can I?

Amos, Moody, look at your sister.

She never sat herself down beside a rich fella

with fancy clothes before.

She takes to it like she was a born princess.

Class will tell every time!

[music playing]

It sure is good to be out of that blamed house.

And saw what that old lady Fowler's been up to?

I seen it before you did.

Perfectly natural for a mother to want

to marry her daughter up to a big steamship and railroad man.

Cut that out!

I ain't no such a thing, and you know it.

Well, you know it and I know it,

but Ma Fowler, she don't know it.

Well, she don't know it, but I'm fixin' to tell her.

Festus, the second worst thing a man can do

is to scorn a woman, and the worstest thing he can do

is to scorn her daughter.

Now, do you want to lose that $400?

It's $402, and even if it is, I ain't gonna marry Dora Lou.

Festus, I do believe you ain't dry behind the ears yet.

Don't you know what has to be did before a fella marries up?

One thing, he's got to want to get were married up.

You got to court her, and courting means

nothing at all, nothing at all.

All you got to do is look like a sick sheep

and do little spooning.

Spooning!

I ain't gonna to do no sp-- it wouldn't

be fair to that poor little girl to have her think that I was

courtin' her for actual real.

Girls love to be courted.

Why, you'd be doing her a favor.

[inaudible] bringing the rosy to her cheeks and a sparkle

to her eye.

Why, we'd driving the wagons across the land

and not paying not toll at all.

MA FOWLER: You ain't never had a chance like this before,

and you ain't never gonna get another.

I don't want Mr. Haggen. I wants Clarence.

But you don't your old ma, or Amos, or Moody

to have anything, is that it?

After all we done for you.

Can't you see he's rich enough for all of us?

Mr. Haggen's coming.

You perk up here

Your wagon all right?

Yes'm, it's all right.

Sit down, Mr. Haggen.

No, you be the guest of honor.

You take the sofa next to Dora Lou.

Scooch over, Dora.

[romantic music]

--[inaudible] pretty music, Festus?

Ah, it takes me back to my own courtin' days.

Mr. Haggen, this freight line of yours.

You'll be coming through here steady like?

Yes'm, I reckon we will.

Well then, why don't you make our house

your regular stopping place?

Well, that there's mighty kind of you, ma'am,

but you ain't told me what the toll's gonna be.

Toll?

What toll?

If you're gonna be stopping here regular,

you'd be just like one of the family.

We don't charge kinfolk.

[knock on door]

What you want, Clarence?

CLARENCE: I be calling on Dora Lou.

I brung her some posies.

Clarence!

I been hinting for months that you ain't welcome around here.

You ain't got nothing but a hardscrabble farm,

and that ain't good enough for my Dora Lou.

You don't want the posies?

You either.

Now.

[music playing]

Clarence!

[sobbing]

Ma'am, that there appeared like a right fine young feller.

There's a big mistake here.

A mother knows best, Mr. Haggen, and I'm beholden to you

for saving Dora Lou from a lifetime of heartache.

Appears like she's got a good case of that right now.

What's a few minutes of tears compared to 50

years of trying to scratch out a living

in a farm like Clarence's?

And when she gets to know you better,

I'm sure she'll know the truth of it.

Come morning, I'm going to make you and Dora Lou a real

find breakfast.

You'll be surprised how bright and cheery she'll be.

Give me the lamp, Amos.

This be the start of a real fine friendship.

Well, I'll show you and your flunky

where to bed down, Mr. Haggen. Maybe

it's time I started calling you Festus.

[music playing]

[snoring]

[door opening]

Miss Dora Lou!

Please, Mr. Haggen, not so loud.

What in the tarnation you doing traipsing around in here?

I was in my room thinking on it,

and, well, I had to come see you.

You lookie here, Dora Lou--

No, no lookie here, Mr. Haggen. I come to tell you something--

Shh!

---and I'm gonna say it.

You-- you come prancing in here in your fancy clothes

and your fancy wagon, and boasting about your railroads

and you steamboats. -I never boasted--

And thinking you can just wiggle your finger, and women

folk'll come a'chasing you? -I never--

Well, you just wiggle your finger

at those that want your-- your jewelry and your silk dresses

and your mansions. You hear?

I--

'Cause I ain't one of 'em .

I'm gonna marry up with Clarence.

I don't-- I don't be knowing how, but ma and Moody and Amos,

they ain't gonna stop me.

So you can just do whatever you want to,

Mr. Fancypants rich man.

I ain't for sale.

Are you done talkin', are you?

You want some more?

I wasn't even wanting that much,

so why don't you just walk back and go through that whole thing

one more time?

What-- what you be meaning?

I'll tell you what I'm meaning.

You're making a whopping big mistake,

that's what I'm meaning.

Well, just listen to you!

I'll be having you know that Clarence is good as you

any old day!

Oh, maybe he ain't got your money or your slick ways--

Whoa, now!

I made a mistake sayin' you made a mistake,

but the mistake I'm talking about

is the mistake you made before the mistake

that you're thinking I'm talking about, don't you see?

Mr. Haggen, I be nothing more than a plain old backwoods gal,

but don't be thinking you can get me all addled up

with your smooth talk.

Wait a minute!

What I'm trying to tell you is we both been listening

to too blame much talk.

Now you take old Titus in there--

Shh!

Talking me into buying these here dudey clothes

and railroads, and talking me into not talking

when your ma's talking about me being rich and stuff like that,

and that I can buy you fancy jewels

and steamboats and all that.

--[inaudible] You sayin' you can't?

Well, of course I can't!

Can't marry you.

You don't like me.

Well, it ain't that.

Just this whole silly thing.

And come mornin', I'm fixing to tell your ma,

too, toll road or no toll road.

You be meanin' that?

'Course I do.

You mean me and Clarance-- oh, Mr. Haggen!

I think you're just-- just the loveablest man!

Wait!

And I want to give you a-- a big kiss!

[music playing]

I'm caught! I'm caught!

You just-- just wait!

Want me to shoot him, ma?

You'd be too late for that.

What's done is done.

You done disgraced our Dora Lou.

May be only one way out.

Amos, you get over to the settlement,

and when you comes back, you bring Parson Mueller with you,

you hear?

Yeah, ma.

[music playing]

[crying]

Ma, you-- you just don't understand.

Oh, hush up.

Hush up, weren't your fault. It's my fault, I reckon.

I never warned you about those things.

You got to listen to me, ma'am.

There here wasn't--

Shut up!

We'll go find my old wedding dress.

Oh, no!

The one me and your pa was married in.

Moody!

[inaudible]

You got the wrong idea.

This hear ain't nothing like you think it is.

See, you're lying.

The words I'm going to listen to is after the Parson gets here.

One good thing about this, Haggen,

you be disgracing my family, but leastwise you got

the money to make up for it.

I never had a rich brother-in-law before.

Don't try nothing funny.

I'll be right outside.

[door locking]

Look at it this way, Festus.

You'll be part of a family, and maybe we

won't have to pay no toll at all to cross the land

with our freight wagon.

Freight wagon!

Is that all your puny little old head can think of,

is freight wagons?

I keep trying to be practical.

You want me to be what you call your best man?

There ain't gonna be no wedding.

[inaudible] I tell you.

No, don't go out the window!

Get out of my way!

Marriage ain't all that bad.

I'm going back to Dodge and get Matthew.

And I'm gonna bring him back here,

and me and him, we're gonna this dadburn mess straightened out,

that's what we're gonna do.

Well, if you made up your mind to go, I'm going with you.

You ain't gonna do no such thing.

I'm gonna be moving too fast.

Besides, I'll be lucky if I can get out here

without old Moody hearing me, and if he does,

there's libel to be buckshot flyin' every which way.

I'll stay here.

I'll stay here!

[music playing]

CLARENCE: I knowed I'd catch you if I hung around.

You'll be thinkin' you could steal my Dora Lou, huh?

No, Clarence.

I ain't try to steal Dora Lou.

Don't be trying no rich man lies on me.

I'm getting so tired of trying to tell anybody

anything around this place!

Well, I'm gonna be telling you something with my fist.

Shootin' would be too good for you.

There ain't no call to be fightin' Clarence.

Just listen to me.

Scared, huh?

If you was a man, you'd be willing to fight for Dora Lou.

Well.

We're fixin' to do some talking.

We're fixin' to be fightin'.

Talkin'.

Fightin'!

[music playing]

I-- I'm ready, ma.

If you'd just listen.

MOODY: What's to listen to?

We seen what we seen, didn't we?

[inaudible] save your breath for sayin' "I do."

[inaudible] the Parson.

I'll drag down the bridegroom.

Morning, Parson Mueller.

Kindly of you to come.

Amos has acquainted me with the circumstances.

Oh, now, my dear child.

To err is human.

[sobbing]

[wedding music]

[footsteps]

Oh, yes, yes.

The, uh, lucky bridegroom.

No, no, no.

I'm--

This worm ain't the bridegroom.

Got clean away.

Well, he won't be getting away with it.

You boys get a move on and track him down, hear?

We'll shoot him down.

There ain't a jury in the world would touch us.

Hold on!

You bring him back alive, you hear?

Shall I wait?

I reckon you better wait, Parson?

Be kind of good to have somebody listenin' that ain't done

already made up their mind.

What in the fire happened, Festus?

Oh, I run into old Clarence here,

and he wanted to do some fighting, and I

wanted to do some talkin'.

He got his way first.

We oughta talked first.

This here Festus, whooee!

He sure packs a whallop.

Appears like I was wrong about Mr. Haggen.

Appears like being wrong about Mr. Haggen

is getting to be a habit around here.

First off, you was wrong about me an Dora Lou.

I seen what I seen.

You turned her into a wanton woman.

She was wanting to talk, that's all.

Just talk.

Appears to me like you been seeing a whole mess

of things without thinkin'.

First off, you seen that fancy wagon,

and then you seen these here dudey clothes,

and what did you start thinkin' right off the bat?

Oh, he's rich.

Well, I ain't rich!

You expect a body to believe that?

What about your other wagons and the railroad?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, now.

You just start to recollect.

You never heared me say one word about no such things.

What I ought to have did the very first thing

was to tell you that I didn't own but half of that wagon.

Only half?

Well now, who'd be owning the other half?

That little knothead.

Old Titus there, he ain't my flunky.

He was my partner.

What do you mean was your partner?

Oh, you got yourself a new partner, Titus.

I sold my half to Clarence here. Right, Clarence?

Right.

FESTUS: He's fixin' to pay me back out of the profits.

You ain't rich?

No, I ain't rich!

Put up that gun, Mr. Haggen. Maybe I been a might foolish.

There's not going to be a wedding?

Mrs. Fowler, you all that's been jawin'

that I weren't good enough for Dora Lou

with only a hardscrabble farm?

Well, I ain't a farmer no more.

I'm in the freight business.

Oh, Clarence!

Hold it.

With him in a family and you owning the toll road,

we could make a mint of money!

Ma?

Like I said, I-- I done said I've been foolish.

Clarence, you work hard on that freight line, you hear?

Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure will.

Excuse me, Parson.

So, you be my new son-in-law's partner, huh?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I reckon it's sorta fittin'

that you're wearing my dear departed husband's night shirt.

You're a bit scrawnier than him, but something like him.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

today in the sight of God--

--[inaudible] getting in trouble [inaudible].

Well, I wouldn't have got in no trouble at all

if it hadn't of been for listening to you.

You're the one that talked me into buying into the freightin'

business with old Titus.

I had nothing-- you can't blame me--

[music playing]

Right there is when you should have come to me for advice,

when you sold your partnership in the freight business

to Clarence.

What'd I want to do that for?

I'm gettin' my money back, ain't I?

Festus, in the world of business and finance,

you always ask for interest.

Oh, Clarence, he's got a whole heap of interest.

Why, he's got plans that you wouldn't--

That's not what I mean at all.

What I mean is I mean money interest, you see?

Like 3% or 4% at least.

I don't know about that, but he's giving me $50 extra

over the $400.

He is?

Would that there be the same thing?

Hm.

Amazing.

Well, never mind the interest.

No, you don't.

There you go again, startin' something and droppin' it

like a hot skillet.

Now, if I'm supposed to be interested in interest,

you'd oughta have enough interest

to tell me about interest so that I

can get interested in interest.

But if you ain't got enough interest

in my interest in interest, well then, you can keep--

Doc!

You just ain't got no interest at all!

[music playing]

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for exciting scenes

from our next "Gunsmoke."

[theme music]