Original subtitles

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "Gunsmoke," starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Whoa.

You're the blacksmith?

Yes, sir. [laughing] You really got some outfit here,

don't you?

The starboard horse got a lose shoe on his portside aft.

Uh, your-- your what's got a what?

Ah.

His left hind foot, the shoe is loose.

Now you fix it, I'd be obliged.

Uh, I'd appreciate it, too, if you feed

and water them while you're at it.

I'll be in the saloon.

You-- you don't mean this buffalo here now, do you?

If you please.

And, uh, he'll eat anything.

I-- I know.

That's what I'm afraid of.

There you are.

Uh, that bison gives you any trouble,

just prod him in the hump with that harpoon.

His name is Shag.

Mr. Shag.

What's your name?

Sligo.

Captain Aron Sligo.

Drink, please.

What'd he say his name is?

Sligo.

Sounds like something you scratch.

Sligo is the name of a country in Ireland,

as well as the name of my paternal forefathers.

What'd he say?

Says he's got four fathers.

Now, which of you said that?

I did.

Any objections?

I'd best pay you now.

BARTENDER: Two bits for the drink.

Have you change for a $50 bill?

It's my smallest.

I'm sorry, but when I sold my ship in San Francisco,

I took large bills mostly, and then

I've run out of the small ones.

No change for a $50.

Day or two, we'll be jumping with trail hands

when the south herds get in.

But I ain't seen a $50 bill since last spring.

Drink's on me, stranger. No hard feelings?

I'll owe you a quarter.

Aw, come on.

Give me your hand.

[inaudible]

[music playing]

Blacksmith, summon the sheriff.

Well, there ain't no law here.

There ain't no jailhouse, neither.

This is Hoxie.

Oh, I was afraid of that.

Here, grab a leg.

Well, you gonna tote this old boy with you?

And the others to the nearest law and order here.

Well, that's all the way to Dodge City.

Fine.

Fine, that's where I'm headed.

Get a hold there, now.

Heave, ho!

You know, sir, you go to toting these old boys bellies down

like this forty mile up the road,

they're gonna be dead by the time you get there.

Ah, Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

[music playing]

Now, will you lookie there?

Newly, you and Manning take the southeast corner here.

Stay between Buckland and the river.

And Burke, you and Abe Kelton take the southwest.

Be there if you need me.

I'll be between King's Down and the line here.

Matt, you-- you ain't gonna believe this,

but there's a buffalo out yonder in the dodge street,

and that ain't all, neither.

There's three fellers hogtied on top of a wagon.

What-- now hold on a minute.

Just a minute.

Get out of here!

No need for alarm, folks.

Mr. Shags, he just can't stay away from pretty ladies.

Shag, come here.

Come here, Shags.

Come on.

Well, we'd better look into that.

All right. Now who in thunder are you?

Captain Sligo is my name.

Captain Sligo?

Well, what-- these men been gunshot or what?

No, I didn't use a gun.

I dropped them when they tried to rob me.

Where'd this happen?

At Hoxie Station, ma'am, some distance to the south.

Do you mean to tell me that you packed

these men 40 miles like this?

Well, it's the least I could do in the interest

of law and order.

They could have died.

No, that'd be too much to hope for.

What's wrong with these men?

Well, they've been hurt, Matt.

They need some help.

What's happened to them?

Well, you might say I did.

They jumped me at Hoxie Station after my money.

What do you want to do with 'em, Doc?

Well, do you figure on jailing them?

Well, might as well for the time being.

All right.

I can take care of them over there.

All right.

Give me a hand here, boys.

Say, you got an old bald noggin', runny mouth,

stabbin' shank friend, a patch over one eye,

going by the name of Watney?

I'd say you got it about right.

My name's Sligo.

Well, of course it is.

After listening to his slackjaw all week,

I feel like I know about twice as much about you

as I'll ever have any need for.

I take it you didn't make my bosun's acquaintance while, uh,

having him locked up?

Locked?

Oh, no.

No, me and old Watney got acquainted

whilst building fence out at the widow Burney's place.

See, her place is right next door to yours.

Well, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mr. Watney is supposed to be building us a ranch house.

Well, that's what he says.

But if that there thing's any part of a ranch house,

I'm a two-footed angle worm.

What it is is a big, old, tall scraggeldy looking

maypole kind of a thing.

He's-- he's built himself a masthead is all.

He said he would, right on the 100th meridian.

No, no.

It's built right on the ground.

The 100th meridian is an imaginary line.

You can't see it.

That's why I came here in the first place.

Always said I'd build my house on the 100th meridian,

as far as I could get from both oceans.

Well, if you can't see it, how in the tarnation

do you know it's there?

It's the 100th degree of longitude west.

It has to go right by the widow Burney's front porch.

Now, on the final tack.

Northeast, quarter east.

Ho!

[singing]

Heyo!

It could be!

It is!

It's Captain Sligo, mates!

Ahoy!

[inaudible]

Easy, Mr. Watney!

Don't fall off!

Break your back and my heart.

[music playing]

Captain, you old coon!

Kid!

I knew you'd be along today.

I brought [inaudible].

Oh, sure you did.

It's what I wrote you in my last letter.

[inaudible] right at six hours on me

estimate, and right on course.

Why, I knew you would.

Here, Captain!

Captain, I dropped out anchor right on 100th.

Oh, look what you did here.

It's beautiful, man!

Beautiful!

Oh, I haven't had time to do all I hoped for, sir.

A few setbacks, mind you.

Barnacles and a real bad winter on our west.

Oh, the widow Burney's.

WATNEY: Aye, Captain.

First name's Josephine.

She's got two kids, she has.

Ah, sad thing.

Um, good-looking woman, is she?

Oy, she's got a mouth on her which would powder the new sap

from a sugar maple tree.

Um, how old would you say she is?

Oh, 60 if she's a day.

I wouldn't even advise you take a look, sir.

Bad as that, eh?

Oh, that bad, Captain.

Well, the fact is, Mr. Watney, I've

got to talk to her about that thing she's building there.

She can't be any uglier than her board fence.

Well, see- you see, I wouldn't be-- I wouldn't be-- oh.

Oh, here she comes.

Here she comes now, sir. -Oh.

Well, come along, Mr. Watney.

Let's welcome her aboard.

[music playing]

Captain.

Captain?

Bosun, it appears as though you need a closer look at the lady.

Oh, I've had me as close a look as I could wish for, sir.

Well, you're a lying swab, Mr. Watney,

and you need a taste of ship's discipline.

Now come along.

[music playing]

Are you with the famous Captain Sligo?

At your service, madam.

And you, I take it, are the renowned widow Burney.

May I say that your husband's unfortunate demise--

Thank you kindly, but I would like

to know without further pleasantry just

what do you intend to do about that monstrous abomination

of a thing.

The mast?

Well, the first thing I'm going to do

is convene a captain's mast.

Mr. Watney, step forward.

Aye, sir.

Captain's-- you mean he built that thing for you?

Silence, madam.

What?

Just who in the name of heaven do you think you are?

Did you estimate this wi-- this lady's age at 60

if she's a day? -Aye, sir.

What?

And did you say her mouth would powder maple sap?

-Why, you old hoot owl! -Aye, sir.

And did you state that she was even

uglier than her board fence?

Uh, no, sir, I didn't. You did, sir.

-I did not! -Beggin' your pardon, Captain.

All right, if I did.

You compelled the comparison, did you not?

Aye, sir.

Mr. Watney, you will confine yourself to quarters on bread

and water until eight bells.

Aye, sir.

The poor man.

Well, it has to be done, if we're

going to run a tight ship here.

Way he talked about your and couldn't

wait till you got here, and you treat him like that?

That's none of your affair, Tim.

Is so, Mom.

Mr. Watney's a friend of mine.

He didn't mean any harm, Captain Sly.

Sligo.

You didn't have to do that on my account, Captain.

And he certainly is entitled-- entitled to his opinion

of my age and appearance.

Don't you like Mr. Watney?

Like him?

Laddie, Mr. Watney is my dearest friend in life.

He lost his eye saving me from a whale boat in which I lay

stunned while a sperm whale was smashing that whale

boat and most of my long bones into kindling, using

his flukes like a broadsword.

What's his flukes, Captain Sligo?

His tail.

Horizontal tail is peculiar to whales.

Now, what sticks out on either side, that's a fluke.

So is your little tale about Mr. Watney, if I'm any judge.

If you're a whaling captain, why aren't you out whaling?

Well, they found oil in Pennsylvania, for one thing.

And people stopped using--

I like him.

Me, too.

Better than the others.

A lot better.

---harpoon gun, and I began to feel sorry for the whales.

That's when I pointed my seabag east.

Always did figure to spend half my days in the sea the other

and the other half on the good earth.

That seemed the only way to give each one equal benefits.

Your modesty is almost as capacious as your mouth.

How come you picked here, Captain Sligo?

Ah, geographical center of the nation, Tim.

You got to talk plainerer, Captain, if you're

going to court my mom.

Anne Burney!

Well, everybody round Dodge tries to court you.

But me and Tim don't like any of them.

You aren't married, are you, Captain?

Uh, I'm perfectly free to court your mother.

I'll hear no more of it.

And I'll thank you, Captain, to stop putting such ideas

in my children's heads!

I did nothing of the sword, madam.

I barely got the idea of courting

you set in my own mind, never mind theirs!

Well you can get it unset right now!

And you still haven't explained why with 800 acres to build on,

you and your bosun have to pick this spot

to put your eyesore as close to my front door

as you can get it!

Well, ma'am, now this is apparently

the only point on my property that's crossed

with the 100th meridian.

And I told Mr. Watney when I sent him

on ahead to build no other place but smack dab on the old 100th!

I've never heard of anything more ridiculous in my life.

Not at all, ma'am.

Never crossed old hundred yet it wasn't good luck.

But it is too bad they had to build that right there.

Now, since you don't care about the meridian,

have you thought to maybe moving your house someplace else?

Move my house?

You have the arrogance to propose that I move my house?

It was only a suggestion, ma'am.

When I make a proposal, there'll be no mistaking it.

I find your presence as oppressive as that eyesore!

A crow's nest is what it is, ma'am.

You can see storms coming, tornadoes,

hostile forces, long, long before they get here.

Uh, keep an eye out for the livestock.

You haven't got any except that buffalo.

Bison.

And there's a man coming from Texas at this very minute

with my herd.

Now, Mr. Watney got 'em real cheap, he tells me.

Captain Sligo, that crow's nest is dangerous and useless.

And you will either remove it or I will take drastic measures.

Mrs. Burney, any idea what that mast means to an old sea

dog like Mr. Watney?

He's getting old.

Keeping watch will give him a sense

of pride and responsibility.

He built that masthead to keep a weather eye on his dreams

and his memories, to make believe

he sees whales instead of bison, whitecaps

instead of jimson weed.

And you tell me to tell him to tear that masthead down?

No, ma'am.

I'll be-- blind if I do!

If you don't, I'll dam the creek above my house

and shut off your entire water supply!

And I have every right to do it!

Well, it appears as if I'm damned if I do,

and I'm damned if I don't!

Aw, Mom.

That crow's nest ain't hurting nothing.

All he wants is a nest for his Watney, Ma.

[horses galloping]

Excuse me, ma'am?

If you could help us, we're looking for a man named Watney.

Aye, you come to the right place.

Who might you be?

Captain Aron Sligo.

That's the name, all right.

Captain Sligo, my name is Leonard, from Texas.

This here is Mr. Tanner.

We got 500 head of cattle for you

Mr. Watney said you ordered.

Fine, fine, fine, fine.

You got 'em where?

Just outside of Hoxie Station.

That was the deal-- $7 a head below the line,

you drive 'em up yourself.

What line you men talking about?

This is Mrs. Burney.

She's my neighbor.

Ma'am.

You mean the Kansas borderline?

$7 a head is certainly a very cheap price.

Now, now, now, now, now, Mrs. Burney.

These men are simply being courteous enough

to offer me a savings if I choose to take it.

I'm just trying to understand.

Mrs. Burney, if you please, I am perfectly capable

of handling my own business, especially

since it is clearly a man's business and not a woman's.

Well, I'm sure you boys will be liking a drink now

after your long ride.

I've got something in the wagon.

Jamaica rum, gentleman.

Take the hide of a whale's hump.

Well, thank you kindly, Captain,

but, uh, we've got to get going.

I'll tell you what.

You show up at Hoxie Station with that money

tomorrow morning, and, uh, we'll buy you the drinks.

So be it.

A pleasure, gentlemen.

Ma, you forgot to be neighborly,

not inviting the captain and Mr. Watney to dinner tonight.

-Well, um, nobody's perfect. -Ma?

Please, Ma?

Of course.

He's invited.

I will ring the bell loudly.

Come on, children.

You have chores to do.

I accept, madam.

Mr. Watney respectfully declines.

He has first watch.

Lovely woman.

But unfortunately, possessed by the devil.

Mr. Watney!

[music playing]

[watney singing]

What other kinds of whales are there sides the sperm?

Well, there's the right whale, the humpbacked whale,

the razorbacked whale, the sulfur-bottom whale.

Now, those are the big ones.

And that leaves the grampus, the thrasher, the killer.

And the sperm whale's worse than the killer?

Oh, much worse.

They've been known to ram and sink

full-sized sailing vessels.

The head of the sperm whale is the world's

greatest battering ram, and his tail

the world's most dreadful whip.

That's what happened to Mr. Watney's eye, Captain Sligo?

Mhm.

Six of the men in that whale boat

were killed outright or drowned.

I would have been drowned myself if Mr. Watney hadn't dived down

and pulled me up.

I think we ought to let the captain eat his dessert.

Those men today-- doesn't it seem

suspicious that they offered them to you for only $7 a head?

Not at all, ma'am.

They're busy man dealing with thousands

of head of cattle every day.

Now, my 500 head just wasn't worth their while driving up.

So the savings is mine.

They didn't look all that prosperous to me.

Dirty shirts and--

I judge a man by his demeanor, not by his smallclothes!

Do you have to raise your voice?

As long as you continue raising my heckles.

Has it occurred to you that I might know something

about cattle dealing in Kansas?

Something you might not know, having

just arrived this afternoon?

That something that might explain

why they're willing to give you such a bargain?

You miss the point, madam.

I'm sure your stuffed tight as a pork sausage

with essential knowledge.

Just that I claim my sovereign right to take on knowledge as I

see fit and not have it rammed down my throat

like poor Adam's apple!

Can't we talk about whales?

It seems that's all we can talk about,

Tim, all that Captain Sligo knows or wants to know.

Blast it, woman!

I will not be patronized [inaudible].

Captain Sligo, stop hollering at Ma or she'll

womp you with a skillet!

If you will just refrain from profanity,

I will be happy to drop the subject

of what's wrong with the cattle you bought.

Hmm. Fine with me.

Now, if you could just arrange to lose your broomstick.

Do you wish to leave now or be civil?

Now, by your imperial leave.

No.

You promised to tell us a story.

A nice bedtime story about daddy whales.

Hmm.

A daddy sperm whale-- the daddy sperm whale

starts out as a young bull whale swimming in a herd

made up entirely of young bull whales.

Now, when he reaches his growth, he sets about rounding up

a herd of female whales.

This herd is called a harem.

The daddy whale is absolute lord and master-- schoolmaster

over this harem of females.

You mean he captures them because he's bigger?

Oh, females are no more than one third

the bulk and magnificence of the full-grown bull whale.

So when he spouts, they listen.

But they're females, after all.

And pretty soon, the daddy whale gets weary of all the bickering

and back biting going on among the females.

And when he's had all he can take,

he flukes them a fare the well, ladies,

and quits the females forever and swims, thenceforth,

in solitary splendor, alone among the watery deeps

and ramparts of the great ocean world.

That was lovely.

Wasn't that lovely, children?

And now it's bedtime.

Say goodnight.

Goodnight, Captain.

Thank you.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Captain Sligo.

Goodnight, my darlings.

Yes, goodnight, Captain.

Well.

You're still here.

Is there anything else?

In fact there is.

Port wine, the finest of the world.

Will you join me?

Thank you, no.

My daddy always said, good for humility

to have a drop now and then.

Saves you from the pride of total abstinence.

All right.

May I call you Josephine?

You may not.

So be it.

Do you hate all men, or only the best of us?

I do not hate man or beast.

But I do detest male conceit or presumption in any form.

You are mistaking me, madam.

It is not conceit but pride, and not

presumption but willingness.

You are willing to be only one thing--

absolute lord and master, like the daddy whale in your story.

When you spout, I must listen.

I didn't invent natural law, nor even vote on it.

Then stop trying to enforce it.

You come out to my farm today and into my house

as if you are going to move right in and set everything

to rights, beginning with me.

And who was I to question or complain?

After all, everyone knows a two-year widow with two

children can't wait to give herself

to the first male beast who comes

along to take pity on her.

But I had no such intention.

You'd refuse to court me if I let you?

Well, ma'am, a man would have to be a fool to do that.

Fine-looking woman like you, prime of her years--

That's enough.

First two of her children big enough to bear a hand--

Close enough, too.

---when the baby--

I said that's enough!

Mrs. Burney, I'm a simple, direct man.

When a thing has to be done, trim your sheets and do it all,

we say.

I'm quite content trimming my own sheets.

You find me unattractive, madam?

I find you unnecessary.

And now, goodnight, Captain.

Goodnight, Mrs. Burney.

And the masthead stays where it is!

Then I'll dam the creek!

I swear it.

Swear it?

You'll stop the flow of everything else around here.

Why spare the creek?

Anymore then you've spared yourself!

[door slamming]

Of all the insufferable, overbearing,

boat-headed-- let him buy those Texas cattle.

Let him find out for himself.

[music playing]

I count 500 head.

I count me 480 is all.

Now, Mr. Watney doesn't miscount.

Well, I tell you what, Captain.

There's 25 or 30 extra head down there at the drovers' camp.

We'll throw 'em in for fair measure.

How's that?

Fair enough.

500 head.

That's $3,500.

Well, thank you, Captain.

It's a pleasure doing business with you.

There's your bill of sale.

Now all you got to do is pay off your drovers.

And when you're done with them, just sit back and watch them

doggies eat themselves fat.

They tried to short-count us is what they did.

Failed, mind you.

They still look a bit too satisfied for my taste.

I took notice.

There may be a few less down at those drovers camp.

But the price is certainly fair enough

to make up for any petty cheating

if that's the case, huh?

Aye, sir.

You mean to tell me they moved the quarantine line

again since last summer?

Twice since then.

Used to be nine, 10 mile north of Dodge.

Now it's 15 south?

It don't make sense.

Here it is here, Bender.

Read it yourself.

I don't make the laws, Bender.

I know you don't, Marshall.

Well, I'll just have to drive them west to Colorado territory

and then up north.

Long as you stay south of the line.

Right.

Afternoon, Marshall.

Captain Sligo, Mr. Watney.

I just got stopped by one of your outriders.

He tells me I can't take my new herd of cattle

any farther north.

Now, he must be an imbecile or a practical joker.

And it's a bad day for either.

Are they Texas cattle?

Yeah, bought 'em on a deal at Hoxie Station.

Well then, I'm afraid what my deputy

told you is right, Captain.

See, those cattle have splenic fever.

It's otherwise known as Texas or Spanish fever.

Well, they look perfectly healthy to me.

They are, Captain.

Texas steers are immune to this type of tick.

Kansas steers seem to roll over and die on you, though.

Ah.

Well, then, all I've got to do is keep Kansas

steers away from my steers.

Well, I'm sorry, Captain, but it doesn't work that way.

You see, the state legislature forms a quarantine line.

There's no exceptions.

You mean I can't take my own cattle through to my own land?

That's right, sir.

Well, that's outrageous to law and civil liberty.

There's nothing right about it.

Well, right or wrong, I'm afraid you

won't be able to take those cattle to your place.

You can take them west, east or south, but not north.

You hear that, Mr. Watney?

That's the law of the land talking.

Pirates defraud us.

And now the law's making sure that we stay defrauded.

You weren't defrauded, Captain.

Those cattle dealers didn't do anything that wasn't legal.

Then who did, the ticks?

No.

I'm afraid you got exactly what you paid for.

Just too bad that nobody warned you

about buying south of the line.

Somebody tried to, but she just couldn't overcome

her natural duplicity long enough

to say the thing straight out!

Well, as usual, there is no legal remedy.

So we'll have to try to invent one for ourselves.

You mean for the widow Burney or is it for them ticks?

Perhaps for both, Mr. Watney.

Come on!

[music playing]

[leonard laughing]

LEONARD: That's better.

I think, Mr. Watney, I'll deal with this alone.

You'd best return to the ranch.

Oh, listen, Captain--

I consider this to be a personal matter.

You will go directly home, Mr. Watney.

Aye.

Aye, captain.

Uh, you mind if I water me horse first?

Come.

Evening, boys.

My name is Sligo, Captain Sligo.

How would you like for the drinks

to be on me the entire evening?

Sounds good.

Well, sure thing, Captain, as long as it

don't mean hurting and bleeding.

No.

In a couple of minutes, you go into the saloon, up to the bar,

two or three at a time.

And, uh, just act, generally, as if you know me.

Any question about money, you send the barkeep over to me.

Well, you got a deal.

Yes, good deal.

Couple of minutes, huh?

If you're not gonna drink, I am.

Evening, gentlemen.

You know what?

I've got some steers and fever ticks to sell you, Mr. Leonard.

$7 a head.

You can have the ticks for nothing.

Now how about it?

Now, you might be tough, Captain Sligo.

But you ain't that dumb.

Evening, Captain.

Evening, boys.

What'll it be?

My time is very short tonight, gentlemen.

So I'm afraid I'll have to add $0.25

a head to the price at irregular intervals

during our negotiations.

As of this moment, it's $7.25 a head.

Hi, Captain.

Them fellas over there said the drinks was on you.

Is that right?

It's an old habit of mine, bartender.

A man works for me, I pay for his liquor.

Uh, there'll be a half dozen more drifting in.

Uh, that's enough to get you started.

You bet.

$7.50 a head, gentlemen.

And remember, no charge for the ticks.

Listen, that was a legal and binding deal, Sligo.

$7.75, gentlemen.

You know this is, uh, out and out robbery, don't you?

$8 a head.

And on the next increase, we start a surcharge on the ticks.

All right.

All right.

You got a deal.

Ah, you can't go wrong on Texas steers, gentleman.

Where's the herd, Captain?

Same dry gulch I bought them in.

Uh, just pay off your drovers, gentlemen,

and then sit back and watch those ticks eat

those doggies right into the ground.

Goodnight.

Well, thank you, gentlemen.

Uh, if those two blaggards should try to follow me, just

kindly knock them down, huh?

Oh, yes, sir, Captain.

That should take care of the balance of the evening.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Captain.

Goodnight, Captain.

Uh, goodnight.

[music playing]

[singing drunkenly]

Hey, sailor.

You know, me and Tanner got to thinking that maybe you're

missing your whaling days.

So first Tanner's gonna whale you, and them I'm

gonna whale you.

Mr. Shag.

Well, what if Mr. Watney brings you a mate, Mr. Shag?

You doubt it?

Can't say as I blame you.

Hard to find a bison these days, the way

they're being slaughtered, same as they did the whale.

It cries to heaven for vengeance.

Oh, I know.

I know, you don't really want to mate

anymore than any other male beast in his right mind.

But there's your duty to the species, Mr. Shag.

Get sons, wants a female and vice versa.

Ah, but it's a terrible ordeal, Mr. Shag.

Well, t good Lord never said it'd be easy.

Speak of the Lord and the devil bend sail.

The widow Burney, a fright in the morning.

She knew all about those ticks, Mr. Shag.

Well, then, women are not as you and me.

Good morning, Captain.

Where are the cattle you bought?

Good morning, Mrs. Burney.

Where is the herd?

The herd is infected with odious little vermin

with fevers from Texas.

I declined to take possession.

Tick fever.

If you knew, why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know.

I guessed.

That's why they made you come get them.

And I returned the favor and turned a fair profit.

Didn't Mr. Watney come back with you?

No, ma'am.

Mr. Watney left somewhat before I did.

If you'll notice, I haven't started the dam.

Well, the threat is almost as effective as the fact.

In some ways, more so.

You can use the threat over and over again.

But once you've built the dam, well,

then you'd have to poison the--

Captain, I'm trying to be nice.

Here come the children, bless them.

What you need is about 10 more.

How dare you tell me what I need?

CAPTAIN SLIGO: 10 sons in eight years, keep you fit.

MRS. BURNEY: Fit?

For what, early burial?

Fit to live with.

You got an excessive amount of bile the way you are.

I've got to keep you standing the full jib

or you'll have me down by the bow

before I clear my roaring 40s.

Will you please stop talking in that intimate manner?

I don't want 10 sons, least of all your 10 sons!

And I'm not a brood mare!

Little fleshed up, but a handsome beam

and a fullsome hammock is what counts.

Right, Mr. Shag?

I require 10 sons.

Now, you throw in Tim, that leaves us 9.

Give you the full eight years for 9 instead of 10.

And now that leaves you a full 15 months to lie around fallow

doing nothing at all!

Why you monstrous, ham-headed oaf!

I'd die before I married you!

And I predict we'll be married before this corn is

scupper-high.

That corn?

That corn will never grow!

Oh, what a terrible thing to say to a man,

putting a curse on his corn!

Of course it'll grow!

Oh, will it?

All right, you loud-mouthed bully!

I'll marry you the day that corn is shoe-top high!

Oh, I tell you, Mr. Shag, I've got my flag on her now.

She's right about the corn, Captain Sligo.

It will never grow, not the way you planted it.

If it doesn't grow, that mean you're never gonna get married?

Captain Sligo?

I will not be browbeaten into marrying you!

I can't stand you or your bosun or your bison!

I can't stand your foolish vanity or your roaring 40s!

And I'd start praying, if I were you,

to learn to humble yourself before the allmighty gets sick

of the sound of your pride and sends down a pain big enough

to humble you and sorrow sad enough

to drive you to your knees!

Captain, Captain!

It's Mr. Watney!

Oh!

[music playing]

Oh, Captain.

A pain big enough to humble me, I believe you said.

Sorrows sad enough to drive me to my knees.

Oh, I have it, madam.

I have it.

I didn't mean it, Captain.

I'm-- I'm sorry for what I said!

I'll have them for this.

I'll find them, Mr. Watney, and then

I'll number all their bones!

[music playing]

Are you trying to tell me that Captain

Sligo's blaming you for what happened to Mr. Watney?

No, thanks, Sam.

It's fine.

No.

If he does, he has a perfect right to.

If he does, he's out of his mind.

Oh, I don't know, Kitty.

I was threatening to have the crow's

nest torn down, which made Mr. Watney feel bad and so he got--

Oh, come on now, Jo, really.

I've heard all about the crows nest and that wild buffalo.

Bison.

Oh, excuse me.

Bison.

You're even beginning to think and talk like him.

So are the children.

They just love the captain.

He is actually, Kitty, quite an extraordinary man.

You mean aside from being crazy?

He's not crazy.

He's just a man out of this proper place,

his element-- the sea.

Are you suggesting he go back to the sea?

No, not till he's established his family.

He wants 10 sons.

10 sons?

10 children won't do?

That's right.

And when you hear him talk about it,

Kitty, you know how much he wants them.

He's convinced you, Josephine?

Yes, I guess he has-- that he should have them, not me.

You sure he hasn't convinced you about you?

Throwing in Tim, that's 9 sons in eight years.

That's his schedule.

15 months off, laying barren or whatever.

But a full job the rest of the time.

And you still say he isn't crazy.

Hmm.

Sam, whiskey.

There you are, Captain.

Madam, Mr. Watney's life was saved by Dr. Adams.

Thank God.

I've urgent business in the south.

But I wish to ask Mrs. Burney if she'll be so good as to keep

all references to my cattle dealings, including names

of principals and so on, strictly to herself,

especially for an acting Deputy Marshal with a canvasback

widebrim bilge bucket for a hat.

His name's Festus Haggen.

I'm sorry, Captain, but I'll make no such promise to you.

You will make it. Why wouldn't you?

It's none of your business.

Yes, it is.

How so?

Well, I'd rather not say just now.

Ah.

[music playing]

Captain!

You mustn't go after those men alone.

Instead of repeating yourself, I suggest you make arrangements

with a dressmaker here in Dodge to be

measured for a wedding gown!

I'd rather be measured for my winding sheet.

Fine, as long as it has the look

of a flying jib for the wind!

[music playing]

That corn'll never grow, anyway.

[music playing]

Miss Kitty, was that there the captain?

That's him.

Well, I wanted to talk to him about them bushwhackers.

He's headed for Hoxie Station, probably to get himself killed.

You'd better get Matt.

I'll do just that.

[music playing]

On your feet, you blaggards!

[music playing]

I suppose you'll be wanting a written complaint on this, too,

Marshal.

Well, Captain, you're just going to have to learn to let

the law handle your problems.

Uh-huh.

Matt Dillon, in charge of bad bellies, fever ticks, rustlers,

and Sligo in charge of whales, mastheads,

widows, and dam sites.

Oh, but I say that corn is going to have to grow

to save face for [inaudible].

Corn?

What are you talking about?

10 sons, give or take one there already.

Uh, might make it 11, though.

Huh?

[music playing]

Ain't shoe-top yet, Captain.

Ma's coming like you told us to.

But she ain't in good kettle, Captain Sligo.

The word is fettle, and it depends on whose shoe-tops.

WATNEY: Ahoy!

Ah, here she comes now.

WATNEY: Ahoy, Captain!

Madam, I have a thing to show you.

I can't believe it.

I trust you haven't forgotten your promise, madam.

But I said shoe-top high.

Well, in a week's time, shoe-top high and more,

just in time for our wedding.

But we aren't even engaged yet.

Children?

Aw, Ma!

Thank you, children.

Come on.

Just is about time for that long delayed

trip to the Dodge dressmaker.

Up, madam, up!

Well, I can't go like this!

What about the children and the livestock?

All is arranged for by Mr. Watney.

Captain Sligo, did you transplant

some sweet corn from my patch?

Nope, he didn't.

But Tim and me, we planted Captain's corn right.

Well?

Well, I don't know, I'm sure.

It certainly isn't my idea of how to get engaged.

Madam, are you going to be my wife?

Are we kens or do I have to flog you into it?

You're not being very romantic.

Woman--

Yes.

Yes what?

I'll-- I'll marry you with all the jibs flying!

Bye!

Goodbye, Captain!

Goodbye!

Bye-bye.

Oh.

What is it now?

I just happened to think, what if the first nine were girls?

Girls!

Great St. Elmo's flickering fire, madam,

abandon the thought!

Sons, madam, nine in a row!

You think I want to spend the rest of my days

doing nothing but getting babies?

[music playing]

NARRATOR: Stay tuned for scenes from next week's "Gunsmoke."

[theme music]