All language subtitles for Cup.Of.Cheer.2020.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX] eng

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[♪♪♪]

[Mary]
I guess I should start at the
beginning.

That's when it all started.

Funny how these things always
start at the beginning.

[♪♪♪]

The big city was the place
I called home.

And there was nothing like the
big city at Christmas.

The lights.

The trees.

The pollution.

And most importantly, my job.

I was a journalist at BuzzClubs,
but I was better

than the assignments they were
giving me.

[indistinct chatter]

And the marketing Christmas
meeting is on Christmas!

I could do so much more.

[grunting]

These numbers are off the
charts.

All I needed to land the big
promotion was

one juicy story.

Mary, we don't have time for
your narration

or your orange juice story
pitches.

I've still got Big Citrus

jumping down my throat since
your last article

caused all that satanic
asbestos.

[chuckling]

Besides, we're prepping for the
annual quarterly

salary insurance retreat
business jargon and--

Please, just give me a chance,
boss.

[Mary]
I know it's almost Christmas
and I know that

we work at this big city
magazine

that we work at here
in the big city.

And I know that the annual
Christmas cover story is--

Say no more!

[chuckling]

[Boss]
I love it.

I mean scrap the old story,
assistant,

we're going with Mary's.

When can you leave?

I mean, your ticket is booked
for tonight.

Um, where am I going?

I haven't packed.

[Marry]
I can--

Oh, Snowy Heights.

Snowy Heights.

That my hometown
where I grew up.

Perfect.

I love the angle.

See, this is why you're due for
the big promotion Mary,

so don't screw it up.

And whatever you do, do not fall
in love with some small-town,

8-out-of-10 stranger

and find the true meaning
of Christmas.

I've lost too many good
reporters that way.

Yeah, remember Carl?

No.

Go, you're already late.

[chuckling]

Okay.

[chuckling]

Mary!

Your reservation is booked at
the cute charming inn

at the centre of town.

Go on, get out of here already!

Okay.

Mary!

The story is due on
Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve?

That's the day before Christmas.

Hurry.

[Mary]
So off I went, getting ready for
a big Christmas adventure,

leaving behind the big city and
everything I loved about it.

Goodbye, tourists.

Oh!

[chuckling]

Goodbye, ethnic diversity.

Goodbye, homeless man who spit
on my bagel.

As sad as I was to leave
everything behind,

I couldn't wait to get back to
my cute industrial loft

and start packing.

The only thing left to do was
figure what to pack.

[chuckling]

Oh, Santa dog.

[sighing]

I can't believe on Christmas
it will be 20 years

since I've had you.

Ever since I found you on dad's
deathbed

and he said,

"Why are you touching
my stuffed toy?

I don't know who your dad is.

Leave me alone while I get
my braces off."

[sniffles]

I promised I would never
leave you.

And I will never break
that promise.

Can you stop talking to that
stuffed Kwanzaa bear?

It's a Christmas dog, Martin!

You're a Christmas dog.

[Mary]
And I was off.

Snowy Heightsville Falls.

Population?

Yes, please.

I'm here!

[chuckling]

So you are here.

At long last.

Do I know you?

[laughing]

Here, have a cookie.

And welcome home.

I forgot how warm and friendly
everyone is here.

Have a beer.

Oh, you know, actually,

I'm looking for the Reindeer
Lodge Inn.

Would you happen to know--

[grunting]

Great, my hot cocoa!

Oh no, my reservations
at the inn!

-It's completely undrinkable.
-It's completely undrinkable.

[sighs]

Watch where you're going, lady.

Me?

Watch where I'm going?

Lady?

[scoffs] You don't know me.

I know you're a piece of work.

Joke's on you, mister,
because I love work.

Oh, I bet you do.

I bet you're some career woman
from the big city!

And I bet you're some
small-town grunch

who's too caught up in things to
see what's literally

right in front of him.

Well, this encounter has been a
complete disaster.

And I look forward to never
seeing you ever again.

Not seeing each other ever again
would be too soon

to not see each other
ever again!

Oh yeah, you and your big city
double negatives, alright,

don't-- they don't-- they-- they
do not-- they--

excuse me?

No, excuse me, and my education.

[gasps]

[sighs]

[exhales]

Great, now I want hot cocoa.

[♪♪♪]

Welcome to Cup of Cheer.

Thank you.

Um, yeah, I'll have one hot
cocoa please, Keith.

[Keith]
Coming right up.

Don't mind me asking, what are
you wearing?

Oh, darn.

[chuckles]

I just got back from my shift as
Flash, the Mall Elf.

[Keith]
I guess I just forgot to change.

I've just been so busy holding
down two jobs,

tryin' to support me and my bro,
which explains a lot about me

and who I am as a person.

It's okay, I forgive you.

One hot cocoa please, Keith,

with a pump of yuletide cheer
for

customer.

[chuckles]

Thank you very much.

Oh shoot.

Sir, you didn't pay!

-Ugh, you again.
-Ugh, me again.

Why are you at my store, lady?

I wanted hot cocoa.

And since I'm in this small town
until Christmas

and you're the only hot cocoa
place around,

I guess we're just gonna have to
put up with each other.

Yeah, you know, actually there's
another place like--

And quit calling me "lady",
dude.

My name isn't "lady".

It's Mary.

Mary Lady.

Okay, Mary, uh, well,

then quit callin' me "dude",
because

my name's Chris.

Chris Mas.

Chris Mas?

[chuckling]

Like Christmas?

[chuckling]

I've never thought of it like
that before.

[chuckling]

Uh, well, here's your drink,
Mary.

I didn't order anything, Chris.

[laughing]

Okay.

Oh.

Order for Mrs. Clovenwitch!

Thank you, dearie.

How much do I owe you?

You know your money's
no good here,

Mrs. Clovenwitch, okay?

After everything you've done
for us uh,

it's the least I could do.

Keep the change, you filthy
animal.

Cunt.

[chuckling]

Chris, I've watched your Grandma
Coco build this

charming hot cocoa place from
the ground up

many decades ago,

and it's been the pride and joy
of Snowy Heightsville Fallstown

ever since.

[chuckling]

And after everything you and
your baby brother

have been through this year--

[sighing]

The least I can do is support
your business

while delivering unsolicited
recaps of your life.

There was that time last month
when I caught him

with his pecker in a grilled
cheese.

[chuckling]

And the economy being
the way it is,

I still had to serve it
to my customers.

-Mrs. Clovenwitch--
-[Mary] Oh.

You're so embarrassing.

[chuckling]

Okay, so I better get back to
the diner that I run in town.

Oh.

Grilled cheese won't fuck
itself.

[laughing]

Oh, oh, oh--

[chuckles]

Oh, Mrs. Clovenwitch.

You only put a five in the jar.

Oh, oh my God.

Oh, don't worry, I got you,
Mr. Cloverhoof.

[chuckling]

Oh, my pajamas!

How sweet of you, you young
Aryan princess, you.

Oh, looky here!

[Mrs. Clovenwitch]
Chris with a girl.

It's a Christmas miracle!

[chuckling]

[exclaims]

Silly me.

And I've interrupted your date.

-Oh.
-[Mary] Oh.

No, it's not a date.

I just got here from the big
city--

Oh, I see.

-It's a sex thing.
-[Chris] Mm.

Calm down, everybody,
it's just a sex thing.

Uh, no, no, uh, no.

[chuckling]

No.

We just met. We're not--

Oh, you're a lesbian!

Most folks from the big city
are.

-Nothing wrong with that.
-Oh, no, no, no--

-Even I've licked a few--
-Oh, Mrs. Clovenwitch.

[chuckling]

Uh, no, Mary here was just um,

about to give me her order.

I just wanted to try one of
those world-famous

hot cocoas that I've never
heard so much about.

Good choice.

They don't make 'em like this
anywhere else.

So uh, what's the secret
ingredient?

[Chris chuckles]

Is it love?

Christmas cheer?

-North pole--
-Cinnamon.

But I bet you make it with love.

No, with cinnamon.

Oh, right.

Uh, drink up.

Thank you.

Could someone please help me?

Uh, I seem to be lost
in another era

and I have no idea--

Oh 'ello there, guvna.

Pip pip cheerio!

Are we doing jolly old accents
from across the pond now?

Can I have a spot
of tea, darling?

[clears throat]

My fellows, I was on my way to
the Royal Christmas Ball

and I seem to have lost my way.

Uh, could anyone point me
in the direction of

Old Complingdonshire upon
the Thames or

perhaps to the nearest
carrier pigeon

where I mayhaps pay tuppence
to message

the lady of the manor?

I see why it was weird now.

Oh, what a day, huh?

Wholesome white newcomers
from all over

and it's only noon.

What's your name, dearie?

Lord Helmington, Royal Duke of
Weddlesworth

upon the Shire County of
Middlesborough.

But you may call me
"Sir Authuh".

Uh, it's nice to meet you,
Arthur.

No, no, it's Authuh.

Arthur?

No, sweetheart, Authuh.

Ah--

[grunts]

[clears throat]

I'm Chris.

It is a pleasure to meet you,
Sir Chris.

[kissing]

And this must be your humble
lady wench, your wife.

-[Chris] Oh.
-Oh, no.

How about I take care of Authuh

and you guys carry on
with your date.

[Chris]
Oh-oh.

-It's not a
-It's not a

-Date.
-Da--

You know, you're not the
first-time travelling British
royal

to show up here at Christmas.

It's very common in this town.

[gasping]

That is just great.

[sighing]

Now what?

How am I supposed to write
my article

or find my reservations
for the inn?

[sighing]

[munching]

Tough day?

Thank God for these great
cookies, though.

Oh, well, Mary, those are
ornamental pinecones.

Please, Chris, I don't need any
more bad news today.

-Listen, I just wanted to--
-No, you listen.

[munching]

Thank you.

[takes a deep breath]

Hmm.

No one ever just listens
anymore, you know?

Yeah, 'cause everybody's like,
I don't know.

They go rush, rush, rush.

[chuckling]

Yeah, I know.

"Jeez, dude, why are you rush,
rush rush?"

[chuckling]

All that--

Uh, Chris, I'm in a rush!

[Keith]
Rushing around because I gotta
get back to my job

as Flash, the Mall Elf.

Like should hurry, so come on,
let's hurry, yeah?

Oh, Mary, this is my baby bro,
Keith.

[chuckling]

Nice to meet you.

I'm Chris' baby bro Keith.

Mary.

Mary Lady.

Mary Nice Lady.

[chuckling]

Well, you seem like
a Mary Nice Lady.

Oh, wait, are you guys just--

-No!
-No!

Sitting around, havin' hot cocoa
as one of you eats pinecones?

-Oh.
-Oh.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

That's so nice.

But I'm in a rush
to get to work.

Speakin' of work.

[chuckling]

Uh, I should let you get back
to it.

What?

No, that's what I was
speaking of.

My laptop is destroyed.

My reservations at the inn
are kaput.

Kaput?

Oh, what's that, Russian?

Rush, rush, rush.

[chuckling]

Listen, uh, maybe if you gave
the inn your name,

they'd be able to find--

It's too late, Chris.

The damage has been done.

Wow.

The first sign of trouble,
you just give up.

[Chris]
Typical big city behaviour.

Listen.

[grunting]

[Chris]
If this town is causing you
so much trouble

and you got no place to stay,

then maybe you should just go
back to the big city

where you came from.

What, Mary has nowhere to stay?

Mary, we have plenty of room

in our house ever since.

I wouldn't wanna impose.

I couldn't.

Um, not with Chris--

Stop inviting strangers
over to stay, Keith.

Oh. [clears throat]

[Authuh]
When are we departing on our
merry way to your cottage,

Sir Flash, the Mall Elf?

[scrunching]

[Chris]
And yeah, this is the ki--

Whoa, holy smokes!

Hey, don't get too comfortable,
Authfhen.

Uh, but I am comfortable.

You seem the food in this future
era is incredible.

[chuckling]

Oh!

[chuckling]

I think he needs some help.

Should we call the police?

Yeah, I think that's what they
recommend to do

in these situations.

-Okay.
-Hello?

They're on their way.

Well, what's all this fuss
about?

It's me and the missus.

We're prepping for the town's
local Christmas Eve

bake sale fundraiser carolling
competition

time capsule opening tradition

snow globe building competition

wish making tradition.

Well, thank gosh you're here,
Sheriff.

Oh, just happy to be here,
Chris.

Oh, who is your lovely date?

Not a date.

This is Mary.

Oh, hello there, Mary.

I'm the town's racially-diverse
cop.

I mean, I'm a cop.

A regular cop.

I'm uh, Rudolph.

Oh. [chuckling]

Rudolph Hitler.

Oh, oh God.

Okay.

Uh, so this crazy British guy
says that

he's from past or something.

Uh, so it's a D-25 then?

Hmm, okay.

Uh, uh, where are you from, son?

Oh, well, that depends
where we are.

-Does it?
-I don't know.

Well, you see--

I was enjoying a Rupert's Beef
Jelly

when this old hag came and
whisked me away to this town

that you call um, "Snowy--"

Snowy Heightsville
Commoningdon--

Heightsville Forestville the--

-Yeah, yeah.
-Deers.

Commons.

Wow.

All this excitement
and confusion.

Whenever I was excited
or confused,

my dead mom would always say,
"The best thing to do

was hit the sack."

I've hit the sack thrice
since I arrived.

Now, the second time a little
bit of blood came out.

Well, Chris, uh, as much as
I'd like to take this

Persian warlord off
your hands uh,

I do have some bad news
for you.

Your landlord has been in touch.

It's mentioned that you haven't
paid your rent this month.

But the rent's not due yet,
Sheriff Rudolph.

Well, he's changed the deadline.

And if you don't pay up by
Christmas Eve,

you're going to die.

[gasps]

Yep.

Then I'll have to evict you.

Oh my God, that's horrible.

[sighs]

And on Christmas Eve
of all days?

Rudolph!

This isn't fair and you know it.

There's no way that Cup of Cheer
can afford to pay

our rent by Christmas Eve.

I'll tell you what's not fair.

This--

[Sheriff Rudolph]
Authuh guy is gonna have to stay
with you for a while.

There was a new law that
just passed.

Oh, right now, see?

Oh, that makes sense.

Huh, that settles that then.

[grunting]

I'm off to the snow to make
merry.

[chuckling]

You, out of the way.

Well, at least somebody's merry.

Oh, wait, wait,
I thought she was Mary.

I'm not feeling very merry right
now, Officer Hitler.

[man on walkie]
Sheriff Rudolph, we have a code
Kevin McCallister on our hands.

Permission to use lethal force
on the unsupervised child?

We have reason to believe he is
armed with

a swinging paint bucket.

[scoffs]

Honestly, these--

Innocent Christmas hijinks these
kids get in to.

[chuckles]

Unbelievable.

Alright, permission granted.

Uh, yeah.

Shoot to kill,
shoot to kill.

[grunting]

-Hey.
-Huh.

I uh--

I couldn't help but see
you out here

when I was looking out here
for you.

Uh, without my laptop
and my work

I'm feeling a little helpless.

I come shovel snow whenever
I'm feeling helpless.

At least, I'm accomplishing
something useful.

[exhales]

Let's cheer you up.

Oh.

Yeah, Authuh already offered to
hit my sack, so.

I meant dinner.

Silly.

Whenever I was feeling down,
my dead mom would always

get me a squashed hot cattle
beef in a risen-yeast casing.

A hamburger?

[speaking gibberish]

[chuckling]

Alright, alright, but just this
once, okay?

Yeah.

Actually, I happen to know just
the place.

Two squashed hot cattle beef

in risen-yeast casings.

[Chris]
Oh.

So, still not on that date, huh?

I'm only here, because Mary
seems to think that

a hamburger is the cure to all
my problems.

[mumbles] I feel
better already.

And uh, what problems do you
have to cure?

We're gonna lose the
Cup of Cheer.

Our landlord, Ebenezer Chan,

is gonna take it away from us.

Say it ain't so.

It is so, so.

If he wants to save it,
he has to pay the rent

by Christmas Eve.

The day before Christmas?

Exactly.

You can't make this stuff up.

Only in Snowy Heightsville
Fallsto--

Mrs. Clovenwitch,
I don't know how you do it.

How you stayed in business
all these years.

Chris,
you know it's none of your

goddamned business.

Yeah, Grandma Coco and I grew up
together.

The day she opened up Cup of
Cheer was the day

I opened Mrs. Clovenwitch's
Mad Cow Diner.

I know, Mrs. Clovenwitch.

And I know how much you two
loved each other,

and I know how distraught you
were when she died,

and I know--

Whatever she told you, it didn't
happen like that.

She sucked my--

Mrs. Clovenwitch, I can't talk
about her.

Not now.

Not at Christmas.

Not when she--

Finger-blasted the literal shit
out of my--

It's over.

It's done.

Cup of Cheer won't be able
to sfford to pay rent

and that will be the end of
Grandma Coco's legacy.

And my life for some reason.

Wait, Chris.

I think I can help.

You see, dear.

If Grandma Coco taught me
anything,

it's that love is always

right under your nose.

[coughing]

[licking]

Oh, okay,
so if you need any help,

you know that
old Mrs. Clovenwitch

is always here for you.

I know, old Mrs. Clovenwitch.

[sighing]

I really don't see
how you could help, Mary.

Well, you know, how I'm writing
that article about

the town's world-famous
Christmas cheer?

No, this is the first
I'm hearing about it.

I'm writing an article about
the town's world-famous

Christmas cheer.

This is the second I'm hearing
about it.

No, I just told you a few
seconds ago.

Told me about what?

I'm writing an article
about the town's world-famous

Christmas cheer.

Hey, why didn't you say so,
Mary?

What better to focus on
for the story than the town's

very own hot cocoa shop?

Cup of Cheer.

It's cheerful as heck!

Mary, language, please.

This is a family establishment.

If anyone wants a quick screw,
I'll be in the bathroom

for the next three minutes.

Who would wanna read about
little old Cup of Cheer?

Face it.

It's over.

We're kaputched.

You remembered.

Almost.

Yo, who runs this litter box?

[Mai Ex]
Come on.

Oh, what's a douche bro gotta do
to score a hot piece

of cherry muffin?

And that's not a euphemism.

It better be loaded with bran,
too,

because who has two thumbs
and a moderate

to severe gastrointestinal
problem?

Oh, this guy.

This guy, baby.

[grunting]

And who knows where I can snag
a pair of undies?

And they don't have to be men's.

Unisex!

[chuckling]

[Chris]
Uh, man, can you believe
this guy?

He's probably some big city
millionaire who thinks that

our small town is just another
Christmas sideshow.

Wait, why do you look like that?

Look like what?

Me, look like something?

[chuckling]

Don't be silly.

Welcome.

How can I help you?

Well, you didn't hear any
of my muffin bowels speech?

We get a lot of muffin bowels
speeches here.

You're gonna have to be more
specific, sweetheart.

I want a cherry

bran muffin.

I only have cinnamon ginger

flaxfart.

What, are you trying to kill me?

You ain't nothin' but a budget,
Mrs. Claus!

I should go over there and give
that guy a piece of my ass.

Seriously,
what is going on with you?

[Mary]
Nothing.

We're all our normal selves and
hiding from no one.

Do you know that guy?

What guy?

[Mary]
I didn't see no guy, okay?

Hmm, yeah?

You know what?

Let's talk about this article,
hmm?

How I can help you out.

I'll do it for free, hmm?

It's gonna be tough without my
laptop, really see uh,

no other way of writing it.

It's fine.

[grunting]

Which of you hillbillies

can spill the beans on this
inbred town?

[grunting]

I--

I'm lookin' for intel.

Because I am about open up
the nation's

100 millionth Cocoflaps
franchise

right here in Snowmanville.

He's an entrepreneur!

Cocoflaps?

Don't you mean that big chain
corporate poison

that destroys the mom-and-pop,

and
brother-and-brotherbusinesses,

and churns out that
lukewarm swill for $5 a cup

and calls it "hot cocoa"?

Well, you know what I call it?

I call it "hot chocolate".

[gasping]

So you've heard of Cocoflaps.

[Mai Ex]
You know, I'm surprised a little
country bumpkin like yourself

knows so much about the ins and
outs of the hot cocoa industry.

[scoffing]

Can't wait to see you at the
Cocoflaps' grand opening.

[scoffs]

I would'nt be caught
dead there.

And if the opening is after
Christmas Eve,

then I wouldn't be caught
dead anywhere,

except the graveyard,
because I will be dead. So-

Joke's on you.

We open Christmas Day.

[♪♪♪]

25 Main Street.

10:00 a.m.

Be there or be at another place
somewhere else.

[spits]

[sighing]

Forget it, Chris.

Guys like that, they are not
worth your time.

You are better than him.

You are a decent man
who would nev--

Well, shut your fuck trap,
Mary.

25 Main Street on Christmas Day?

Oh my God, you're right.

That's Cup of Cheer's address
based on the one time

I was there earlier today.

And Christmas Day is the day
after Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve?

That's the day before Christmas.

[sighing]

Chris, it's not too late to pay
the rent

and prove that guy wrong,
whoever he is,

obviously someone neither of us
have any history with.

If I write the article about
Cup of Cheer,

we can get customers from all
over and raise enough money

to save Grandma Coco's legacy.

You're living in a winter
wonderland, Mary.

He's not worth it, Chris.

[grunting]

This has nothing to do with him,
Mary.

Guys like him, they'll always
have their Cocoflaps

and their gastrointestinal
problems

and I'll just be small-town,

healthy-shits Chris.

Like they used to call me
on the playground.

It was a dark and stormy
afternoon.

Monsieur Teacher said we would
have an indoor recess,

but I knew that--

You just need some Christmas
cheer.

Christmas cheer?

This is about Cocoflaps versus
Cup of Cheer.

And cheer isn't gonna win
this fight.

Darn.

Oh crap, he's my ride.

Oh, Santa Dog,

how do we save Christmas?

[♪♪♪]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

[chuckling]

How are you holdin' up in here?

Honestly,
I'm worried about Chris.

All of these Cup of Cheer
problems seem to be

weighing him down.

He's always being weighed down.

You know, the doctors say he's
more susceptible to gravity

than the average man.

I wish I could help.

Oh, NASA tried.

Whenever I have a problem,
I look at my Santa Dog

and I ask, "What would my dead
parents do?"

Hmm, die, I guess.

I just don't know, Keith.

Well, you should get some rest.

Is there a place to put my case?

The closet.

[gasping]

What's that?

Son of a--

Say it ain't so!

Would you believe it?

There's something in it.

Looks like some sort of recipe.

Grandma Coco's
critically-tolerated gingerbread
cookies

in her lost world-famous
typewriter we've not been

able to find even though
she said in her will

exactly where it would be?

You know what this means, right?

I can finally write my article
to save Cup of Cheer.

And these cookies--

Will cheer Chris up for sure!

Sorry, what?

-These cookies.
-Huh?

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[Mary]
I was only in Snowy Heightsville
Fallstown Commoningdon

for a day,

but due to the needs
of the story

and the character's
relationship arcs,

it seemed like much longer.

Christmas was right around the
corner now and it was up to me

to save Cup of Cheer.

But I didn't mind,

because I could already feel
myself falling in--

[yelling]

Oh!

[laughing]

Oh, yes!

Authuh, how long have you been
hiding there?

Oh, all night, Madam Wench,

and boy was it worth the
frostbite on my willy's end

to see the look on your gob.

What in the willy's end is going
on out here?

I believe I did it, Sir Keith.

Did what?

Well, last night when we were
in your chamber

discussing my quest, we--

When was this?

You were asleep.

Sure.

My quest.

The reason I was sent here
from the past.

It is my quest thatwill
send me back to my own era.

Last night,
while you were asleep

with your hog in your hand,

we mutually came to the
conclusion that

I must help out at the town's
annual Christmas tradition.

And you did that by hiding
in a snow bank all night

and scaring me?

[chuckles]

Sir Arthuh do well?

I think there was a lot of
inbreeding

in royal families back then.

Well, with my quest complete,

I shall now return to my jolly
castle.

Alright, how's the article
going?

Is Grandma Coco's typewriter
treating you well?

Oh, the article is amazing.

Grandma Coco's typewriter
is a dream.

Okay, well, she's not your
grandma, so why don't you know,

back off and--

Oh, dear God.

[taking deep breaths]

I found here what I could not
find back home.

Which was.

The thing with the snow bank for
the town tradition

whatever, okay?

Now listen.

I need you to knight me

or something and send me back.

[♪♪♪]

Wait!

What does a prince need to do
around here do

to get a hot load in the face?

The Christmas Eve tradition,
I keep hearing about it.

What is it?

Oh, you mean, the Snowy
Heightsville Fallstown

Common Hillingdon on the lake
Christmas Eve

bake sale carolling
competition--

Time capsule opening tradition
snow globe building

competition wish making
tradition?

-Yes.
-Why?

What's so special about it?

What is it fundraise for?

Uh, well, Chris, and I, and
Grandma Coco, uh,

we'd always bake
her gingerbread cookies

and sell them to raise money
for the local homeless shelter

for local homelesses.

Keith, it's perfect.

We can use the Christmas Eve--

Bake sale fundraiser comp--

-Carolling--
-Carolling--

-Competition--
-Competition--

Time capsule--

Opening tradition snow globe
building

competition
wish making tradition.

Yeah, okay,
so we can use that thing

to raise money to save
Cup of Cheer.

I love that idea.

But--

Chris, he'd never go for it.

His worst fear is becoming
a charity case.

And even if he did, none of us
know how to bake.

I realize I sound like Chris,

but it's hopeless.

Did someone say "bake"?

Yes, we all did, multiple times.

I--

I used to write for
I Can Bake Magazine.

It was right after my job baking
for I Can Write Magazine.

Oh wait, you were the baker for
I Can Write Magazine?

No, I read about you in I can--

There's no time, Keith.

Why not?

Christmas.

Christmas?

Oh, that's the day after the
Christmas Eve tradition.

Exactly.

And since I'm a great baker,

we better go convince Chris
before it's too late.

[gun fires]

Keith, I've procured dinner.

I hope you like child.

Chris.

Is that a candy cane or you're
just happy to see me?

Oh God, no, that's a boner.

I have a massive boner.

Oh, crap.

Chris, we found Grandma Coco's
gingerbread recipe.

And her typewriter.

[Mary]
Keith told me about the
Christmas Eve fundraiser.

It's the perfect opportunity.

We can make Grandma Coco's
cookies--

And sell them to townspeople.

If we believe and have enough
Christmas cheer,

maybe we can raise enough to
save Cup of Cheer.

So you want us to save ourselves
from Cocoflaps

by becoming a charity case?

You know what I have to say
about that?

You love it?

I knew it, I knew, I knew.

I've known you for almost two
days and I've always said,

"Chris is the kind of guy person
I've known for almost two days."

I hate your idea.

Getting folks to buy stuff
from us

just to keep our business
afloat?

Is that the kind of legacy
Grandma Coco would have wanted?

-You just described a business.
-I never met the woman.

No.

Come on, Mary.

Let's go.

I told you Chris would be
like this.

Hey lady, we're not open yet,
okay?

So take a hike, doll.

Oh, it's you.

Please, leave.

I couldn't figure out what
device you lads

use to cook with,
so I left the child

above the fireplace.

Why do you all look so glum?

We were trying to save
Cup of Cheer,

but someone isn't having
any of it.

And that someone is Chris.

Chris this guy here,
the someone,

the one with the huge--

Look, I only hated your idea,
because it's a dumb idea

and you guys are ignorant.

Hate, you say?

The only thing more powerful
than hate

is love.

You guys-- you guys must take me
for some sorta

humbug.

Humbug?

Oh, Chris, you're not a humbug.

You're a hum-man.

A hum-man.

A human.

And I'll be damned if you're not
my brother, bro.

Okay, well, I appreciate
everything you're doing,

but Grandma Coco would never
have begged.

All that's left to do is to open
up these doors

one final time and serve our
loyal customers

a final few cups of Christmas
cheer.

Bow out gracefully.

It's what Grandma Coco would've
wanted.

[glass breaks]

She was losing it in her
final years.

Listen, the point is--

[sighing]

We're not gonna accept charity,
we're not.

And we're not gonna ask for
help.

End of sentence.

Period.

You should know all about those,
Mary.

Huh, clever.

Uh, because of her monthly
bewitchings of the um--

[Chris]
Oh, oh.

Oh God, no.

Uh, no, it's because she's
a writer.

Maybe you can't help that you
can't ask for help,

but I can.

[Mary]
Help it.

We're gonna help you whether you
like it or not.

Come on, Keith.

We have got some baking to do.

[Mary]
We're gonna bake.

Some cookies.

We're gonna bake.

Chris, you knew Grandma Coco
better than anyone.

If you don't wanna tarnish
her legacy,

then we can still honour
it by

baking her spicy,

beefy sour--

Oh, Gingerbread cookies.

Oh, oh!

Without asking for charity?

Yeah, not if you don't want to.

[Keith]
Just don't be afraid
to ask for help.

Mary's right.

You haven't been asking for it
enough, lately.

I ask for help.

Keith, I can ask for help.

I'll ask Authuh for help.

Okay, yeah, I don't know.

Um, just turn on the tree
lights.

Right away.

Hey, sugar tits.

Come here often?

Let's get baking.

Mm.

This recipe is centuries old!

It was passed down
to Grandma Coco

by some tall guy on a ladder.

[♪♪♪]

At least, it's still up here.

(thus)

Grandma Coco.

[♪♪♪]

[chuckling]

You want me.

The traditional pudding of my
royal family house.

Spotless dick.

[taking deep breaths]

[♪♪♪]

Guys, this looks like a lot of
gingerbread for just us.

Are you sure you're not doin' it
to raise money?

Oh, lighten up.

[chuckling]

It's just a harmless bit of
Christmas cheer.

Just for us.

[laughing]

He's cute.

[laughing]

[Chris]
Oh, oh.

♪ Christmas is comin'

♪ And I wanna know

♪ I wanna know

♪ Will you holly my jolly

♪ If I decked your halls,
wrapped up in a bone ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ All my wishes are comin'

♪ Wishes are comin'

♪ Santa's bringing the ho-hos

♪ Special people,
I love drinkin' cup after cup ♪

♪ Of my favourite cocoa

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ So I raise my cup of cheer

♪ Toast to another lovely year

♪ Santa baby, won't you

♪ Christmas is comin'

It really is the best hot cocoa
I've had.

Ever.

So it's all that secret
cinnamon.

And maybe a tiny bit of love.

I knew it.

[chuckling]

I knew it.

[slurping]

[grunting]

[chuckling]

[burping]

[chuckling]

Phew!

You know, I'm going
to miss Cup of Cheer.

Wakin' up every morning at
4:00 a.m.

to boil the hot water by blowin'
hot air on it

with my mouth, wipin' down the
toilet bowls

using my head
as a toilet brush.

Even gonna miss cleaning the
mugs at the end of the night

by letting our dog Archie
lick 'em.

Oh, hi.

[chuckling]

You know, what you said to me
when we first met yesterday?

You said that giving up
at the first sign of trouble

is typical big city behaviour.

And look who's giving
up now.

Maybe you just need someone who
won't give up on you.

No, I think I've made up
my mind, you know?

And if uh, if you ever betray me

or like go behind my back for
any reason,

even if it's to benefit me,

because I'm being needlessly
stubborn--

I swear to God, Mary,
I will deck your halls.

You know, what I realized when
I first moved to the big city?

That you're only small-town hot?

I'd rather be small-town hot
than low-budget Christmas movie

parody leading man material,
but--

-That's just my type.
-That's just my type.

[chuckling]

Anyways, um

I realized that in a place where
everyone looks out

for themselves, it's easy to
think it's all about you.

And that the only things that
matter are your career

or your mortgage or your own
happiness

or your feminine rights to
self-determination of your own
body

in a world with an increasingly
fraught and fractured

political spectrum where common
sense is often

outweighed by sensationalism
and fervour spread

via social media by bigots and
foreign governments trying

to undermine democracy
as a whole.

[chuckles]

Right, so those things
don't matter?

Not here, Chris.

[Mary]
Not-- not in this town!

Not at Christmas.

Right, they just seem like
worthy things we should

all want--

The lesson, Chris, is that when
you're in a small town

like Snowy--

You're close.

What matters is love.

I see what you're saying.

It's up to all of us to stick
together

and help each other out.

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm saying, yeah.

As long as that help doesn't
come in the form of charity

and people raising money to help
save Cup of Cheer.

Hmm, shoot.

But I think I understand
what you mean.

It's about family.

Who the poop is that?

It's my niece, Georgia.

Oh.

What do you think, Georgia?

Do we trust Mary enough
to show her our

secret family-only Christmas
spot?

New mommy.

Hmm.

Let's go.

Okay, Georgia.

You stay here, okay,
and play in the snow.

[Chris]
Mary and I are gonna go.

We'll be watching you,
don't worry, okay.

Wow, this is amazing.

And conveniently empty for
around Christmas.

I could get used to this town.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Just really hasn't been the same
since um--

You can tell me, Chris--

Christmas Eve, last year.

The snow was coming down pretty
hard by the time Grandma Coco

was closin' up shop.

The weather outside, it was
frightful.

-And the fire--
-Was so delightful?

No, it took three lives down
at the bakery.

It was tragic.

Keith workin' at his job as
Flash, the Mall Elf

and I was supposed to go help
Grandma Coco lock up but--

But I was at the Christmas Eve
fundraiser.

My entire life Grandma Coco has
always been there to help me.

She wiped my tears away
when I cried,

she wiped my bum-bum when I took
a big hot stinky.

Now, when she needed help the
most on Christmas Eve,

I--

It's too painful, Chris,
you don't have to--

She died doin' what she loved.

-[Mary] Working in the shop--
-Black-tar heroin.

I still remember her smile.

That loose-toothed smile.

I can see why this time of year
is so hard for you.

That's why I will never, ever--

-Do heroin?
-Ask for help on Christmas Eve.

I mean why should anybody
help me

if I couldn't even help my own
Grandma Coco?

Everybody can use a little help.

[Chris]
Maybe.

Maybe my help came in the form
of this awful man opening

up a Cocoflaps, putting me out
of my misery.

You know,
maybe this terrible man,

and everybody he knows, and is
associated with

is the lump of coal in
my stocking

here to punish me
for all my past mistakes.

Maybe--

Maybe I'm gonna kiss you
right now.

Oh.

Just like Grandma Coco
taught me.

Oh.

The secret is lots of give in
your teeth.

Oh.

-Chris.
-Oh, Mary.

-Chris.
-Mary.

-Mary.
-Chris.

Chris, no, I--

I have to tell you something.

The Cocoflaps man from the
diner, he's--

He's my ex.

Mai Ex.

He's your ex?

Yes, and also Mai Ex.

I don't understand.

What? Why are you
rubbing it in?

Did you send him here to shut
down Cup of Cheer?

What, no!

Why would I do that?

I didn't know he was coming.

-I promise I'm not--
-I'm not like what?

Like all these other city
slickers?

That come here, lying and
cheating their way into

this beautiful small town just
for easy access to abortions?

God, Mary,
you already admitted it.

You know, you can take the girl
out of the big city,

but you can't put a small town

in a big girl.

[sighs]

[Mary]
If there is one thing I know
about this town,

it's that today is Christmas Eve
in this town.

Chris.

Come back.

Chris.

[Mary]
Thanks to all the Christmas
cheer,

nothing bad happens here and--

and no one ever upsets the man
they're falling for

because their ex comes to town

to close Cup of Cheer.

It's all lies.

It's over.

Uh, my private shoulder.

Everyone is so on edge today.

Chris wouldn't even tuck me
in last night.

I'm sorry.

We're all going through stuff
right now, Authuh.

We really do need to save your
Christmas cheer.

Do you know what happened to my
mother when she lost

her Christmas cheer?

No, what happened?

Nothing, she was burnt at the
stake for sneezing in church.

[gasps]

But you, Mary, you can do
something.

You told me it was your
ex-betrothed causing

all the problems, yes?

I never told you that, but yes.

Well, go talk to him.

Oh my gosh.

Authuh, you're right.

Yes, yes, marry your ex,

take over this town with him.

Have Chris beheaded.

It's the right thing to do.

Oh, I'll go and talk to Mai Ex

and see if there is a way
I can put an end

to all of this.

Perhaps, you can help--

Old Authuh here.

Put an end to his suffering
and--

Send me back home?

Kill them.

Kill them all.

Yeah, of course.

[kissing]

That's how I get back home.

Yeah!

[♪♪♪]

[sniffing]

Slam dunk!
- Oh, touchdown!

What can I get you, boys?

Uh, why don't you shut up,
go back to the kitchen,

and make me a sandwich,
B word?

One sandwich, comin' up.

Wait, no, actually I want
a cinnamon bun.

Hold the cinnamon, extra bun.

Oh, look who it is!

How'd you know where to find me?

I saw you here the other day.

I figured you'd still be here
knowing how much you love

to not leave places.

Uh, you ain't wrong.

I came to stop you from making
a big mistake.

Too late.

What?

That's when my bedtime is
these days.

Miss me now?

I'm a big boy.

-Big baby boy.
-Mmhmm.

5'7".

I'm talking about Cup of Cheer.

You can't take it over.

It's not like--

One cinnamon bun, no cinnamon.

Are you sure there's
no cinnamon?

[Mai Ex]
I'm deathly allergic.

But even big boys can have
allergies.

My adult paediatrician even said
so, yeah.

No cinnamon.

Hey, I'm not afraid to sue.

I sued my own mother for
sneezing in church.

Now, Mary, listen and listen
real close.

I've said it once
and I will say it again.

I've said it once
and I will say it again,

but I will not repeat myself.

Cup of Cheer is dead.

Cocoflaps is takin' over

and I won't repeat myself
about that.

I even paid the landlord to make
Cup of Cheer's rent due sooner

to get rid of them before
Christmas

and I won't repeat myself.

You made the rent due sooner?

Of course I did, babes!

I won't stop until
I get what I want.

And you know what else I did?

Sent a spy undercover as a
time-travelling British prince

to gather information?

Oh, come on, please, that's the
oldest trick in the book.

You know, your precious boy
Chris?

The guy this conversation
is about?

So you do know him.

I thought so.

I kidnapped his niece.

Well, my henchman did.

Well, actually, I outsourced it
to my henchman.

What? His niece?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah,

the one you went skating with.

I took away what he loved
the most.

Oh, no.

I don't think he's noticed.

No one noticed.

[laughing]

Dude, no one gives a shit.

That is messed up!

You know what, buster?

This means war.

Meet World War I
and World War II,

and they're about to enact
the Morgenthau Plan

all over your face

by eliminating your ability to
rebuild an arms industry

via the removal of industries
necessary

for basic military strength.

Because in this scenario,

you are occupied post-war
Germany,

and I am the Allied Forces,

and as a result of the
Morgenthau Plan,

your ability to wage war will be
severely hampered

by my efforts.

Aw!

You always look pretty
when you're bein'

all smarty-pants.

Chris, no!

No, it's not what it looks like.

Chris!

[Mai Ex]
Look at you.

You leave her alone!

[grunting]

Thank you, Mrs. Clovenshart.

You know, you're a regular
Harry Dexter White,

who, as we now know was--

Instrumental in the drafting of
the original

Morgenthau memorandum!

Well done, nice, yeah.

Oh, Mary, you're always
so pretty

when you're being all
smarty-pants.

[chuckling]

Oh my butterscotch, I gotta go!

You guys make your own
goddamn dinner.

You don't scare me.

I know exactly what to do
to stop you.

[spitting]

Please!

I butt-chug people like you
for breakfast.

That's the reason why my bowels
are so unhealthy.

Mary.

Merry Christmas.

No.

Merry Christmas to you.

Come here.

Good boy.

Up next is Santa's

biggest helper.

Get it up for Flash Them All
Elf.

[indistinct lyrics]

[♪♪♪]

Keith.

[♪♪♪]

Keith.

I'm Flash Them All Elf,

and I'm here to flash you all,
because

you're on my naughty list

and my jingle balls need some
sugar plums.

[indistinct lyrics]

Keith!

Look, I didn't know who else
to go to.

It's Mary, she--

Her ex is the one who is closing
us down, and opening up

a Cocoflaps, and I saw them
together and--

God.

I need you, brother bro.

[indistinct lyrics]

I'm glad you came to see me.

Sometimes love means giving
people a chance

and sometimes
it means roasting my chestnuts.

I have given her chances.

I even went to see her after she
lied about her ex and--

You should've seen the way they
were embracing each other.

And the way that she was
allowing him

to swish her face around roughly

and angrily by him

and she was loving it.

Looks like
Flash Them All Elf needs to

come down from the North Pole

and ride a certain someone like
a sleigh.

Oh God, not this again.

It's the only way I can talk
at work.

You say the same thing at home.

Are you sure you saw what you
think you saw?

Mary doesn't seem like the kind
of girl who would do that.

I want to come down your chimney
and then I want you

to cum inside it.

What?

Look, I saw what she did with
my own two eyes.

You need to get her out
of the house.

Will someone make it reindeer

if I whip out my red nose?

Last time I whipped out
my red nose,

it gave someone pink eye.

Oh, you know what?

If you didn't wanna spread your
Christmas cheer over my face,

none of this would have
happened!

You know who has Christmas
cheer?

Mary Nice Lady.

Mary does.

[Keith]
Mary has Christmas cheer.

Cup of Cheer is a store!

Screw me until your balls turn
green, you dirty little grunch.

[gasps]

[indistinct lyrics]

I wish I could help,

but I don't get off
until someone

gets me off.

Um, Christmas!

Actually I get off at 7:00.

But what am I supposed to do
until then?

I'm miserable
and it's Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve?

Looks like Christmas came early.

Actually, my name is Keith Mas

and I always cum early.

Oh.

[Mary]
Chris?

Chris Mas?

It's Mary.

Mary Nice Lady.

From earlier.

I need to tell you something
important.

[magic sounds]

Chris?

Oh, it's just the loan sharks
again.

Looks like a Christmas Eve storm
is coming in.

Do you have somewhere to weather
the storm, young lady?

I was supposed to go to the
Christmas Eve fundraiser but--

But I don't think
I'm wanted now.

Come by my workshop in
15 minutes.

I think when you get there you
will find exactly

what you're looking for.

Have it.

Oh.

[chuckling]

Oh!

Mrs. Clovenwitch.

Yes, dear.

But you may call me "the Ghost
of Christmas Past",

Chris Mas.

The Ghost of Christmas Past
Christmas?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh.

I've known Grandma Coco
for many years

and she used to have a saying
that went something like this,

"Accept the help to save
Cup of Cheer

and accept that you love Mary."

She said that?

Yeah, all the time.

Uh, but back then we used to
laugh it off

as the heroin talking.

But it makes sense now.

Oh God, no-- I hate to say this
and excuse my foul language,

but bah, flippin' humbug.

Grandma Coco's dead and her
Christmas cheer died with her.

And now, Cup of Cheer
will die, too.

Sooner or later,
you'll figure it out

even if it takes
a Christmas miracle.

Mary?

Oh, one more thing, Chris.

Hold this, I need to find
my bus pass.

So, if you're the Ghost of
Christmas Past,

are you like dead or something?

So now you ask,
because up until now

it's been all me, me, me.

Selfish little turd.

[Santa]
So what is it now, Chris?

Work?

Hmm?

Girl problems?

Boy problems?

I didn't wanna say anything,

but I saw your brother giving
you a lap dance.

Call me old fashioned, but
I don't think incest is so bad

if it's two guys.

You know Chris, I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Presents.

[grunting]

I'm Santa.

Let me guess.

You want me to change,
to accept charity?

To kiss Mary under
the mistletoe?

Christmas is a time to focus on
friends, okay, not enemies.

Keep that in mind for what's
about to happen.

Hmm.

Give me a virgin.

A virgin what?

A blonde one with a shaved
asshole.

Sorry, pal. Fresh out.

Fine.

I'll take a whiskey.

Unless your asshole is shaved.

Not since my submarine business
went under.

Where's the shitter?

I usually just go anywhere.

Oh!

Mary?

Madame Clodhopper,
thank goodness.

Mary, tell me you're looking
for Chris.

I can't find him.

I need to tell him some
important information

about defeating Mai Ex.

Well, the last time I saw him,
he was walking that way.

That's the general direction of
Santa's Workshop Pub.

Go, Mary!

You go get your man.

Go, get him!

You bring out the best in him,
just like Grandma Coco did.

It was her and her Christmas
cheer that made him donate

all of Cup of Cheer's money.

That's why he can't pay
the rent.

Since she's gone,

his heart shrunk three sizes

until you came Mary.

We could all see!

You and Grandma Coco.

You bring him out of his shell
the way

a dog's dick pops out
of its casing

like a melted lipstick.

I'm afraid if I don't find
him soon,

Cup of Cheer will be gone
forever

and we'll never find his niece.

She's been kidnapped by the way,
apparently.

Oh, you just leave finding his
niece to me.

Before I ran a small town diner,

I used to kidnap children
for a living.

Now, go.

Go and spread that Christmas
cheer like the wet

pink dog dick that you are.

[fart noises]

You know,

I'm startin' to think that
you're following me around.

What can I say?

I like to stalk my prey.

Like one of Mary's famous loan
sharks.

So if I'm your prey

and you're the shark,

then what's that make Mary?

[taking deep breaths]

Some sexy mermaid

that does all your dirty work
for you?

[Mai Ex]
You've really fallen for her,
huh?

Fallen for her tricks, sure.

She was your little plant all
along, wasn't she?

[Mai Ex]
Sexy mermaid, little plant.

[Mai Ex]
You really have some pervy
fantasies about me and Mary.

I know who you are.

You're her ex.

[Mai Ex]
Her ex?

I'm Mai Ex.

What?

My ex?

[Chris]
That doesn't make any sense
unless you're that guy

from college with the long
and skinny--

[Mai Ex]
No, no.

My name is Mai Ex.

Your name is Mai Ex and you're
her ex?

Her Ex is my middle name.

My name is Mai Ex Her Ex
Hernandez Ex.

[Mai Ex]
If you want, you can call me
"Urex".

Why would I want that?

[Mai Ex]
It's my nickname.

So, are you Mary's ex?

Yeah, but not for long.

If you don't catch my sloppy
seconds, I'm gonna catch them.

And then she's gonna catch
something.

[Mai Ex]
Feelings.

[Mai Ex]
And bird flu bed bugs.

I knew it.

She's just like all you other
city folk.

Are you kidding?

Mary, a city folk?

I guess you didn't know that
she grew up in this shithole.

Deep down she'll always be
a small-town girl.

Wanna know why she broke up
with me?

It's 'cause I decided to close
down some family-run

hot cocoa shop in the city that
she liked

and I put in a Cocoflaps.

And then I murdered the family.

Financially.

With a gun.

She really broke up with you
because of that?

Maybe I have her all wrong.

[Mai Ex]
Oh.

[grunting]

Doesn't matter, Mr.
Healthy-Shits Chris.

Small town girl or not,
I'm gonna get her back

and take her from you just like
I'm taking Cup of Cheer.

You know what, Tex-Mex?

[blowing air]

Christmas is a time for friends,
not enemies.

[blowing air]

You do what you gotta do, dude.

I will.

I just need to wash
my hands first.

Is Chris here?

You told me to come here.

Is he in the bathroom?

Mary,

Chris is a good man

and you are a nice lady.

I think you know what you have
to do to win him back.

You're right.

I came here a career woman,

but to be with Chris,
I need to be

a career man?

Close.

You see, Mary, I'm the Ghost of
Christmas Presents.

And what did you say yesterday
in the recently

previous present?

The past?

Well,
I told Chris that in this town

what matters is love.

And he said,
"It's about family."

Family and love.

Of course!

That's where he'll be!

[Authuh grunting in distance]

[taking deep breaths]

[Chris]
Hey, how's it goin', buddy?

Thank the jester you've arrived.

I'm about to go back to
my hometown any moment now.

I can feel myself piercing
through the time plane

like a dog's peen emerging from
the scabbard like a drenched--

[grunting]

Okay, well, good luck.

I gotta go find Keith and--

[Authuh]
Sir Chris!

I'm the Ghost of Christmas
Future.

What, why?

Aren't you supposed to be from
the past?

Yes, but I'm-- I'm currently in
your present.

Then why aren't you the Ghost of
Christmas Present?

Uh, because your present is my
future.

It's the future for me.

Therefore, I'm the Ghost of
Christmas Future.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Authuh, I gotta go, okay?

[Authuh]
Uh, wait!

When I came here, I had no one.

But your brother, Sir Keith,

he gave me a place to stay when
no one else would,

because he is a good man

who has the warmth of the
Christmas spirit

burning deep in the hearth
of his heart.

You have that spirit, too.

I've seen it.

I know you maybe more of
a grower than a shower,

when you let it to grow,
it does.

All big and pointing proudly
to the sky,

defying the witch's heavy air.

Gravity?

No. No!

It's Authuh!

No, gravity.

Like falling in.

[sighing]

You're here to help me
learn how to accept

people into my heart.

[chuckling]

How to believe them.

How to--

How to let in Christmas cheer.

And how to accept kindness
from others

and how to--

And how to allow myself

to fall in love.

Chris.

What a beautiful lesson.

[laughing]

[grunting]

-Authuh, Authuh.
-Oh, oh, oh.

Thank you.

[kissing]

If I leave now, I can still make
it in time for the

annual Christmas Eve bake sale
fundraiser

carolling competition time
capsule opening

tradition snow globe building
competition

wish making tradition.

Well, now,
I'll be a bit late, but--

Oh, well.

Don't thank me.

I was just uh,
trying to tell you that

you should allow Keith and Mary
to raise enough shillings

to save your brown water shop.

I'm comin', Mary!

As a rich prince,
I understand that wealth

truly is the

purest form of happiness.

Have I been misinterpreting
Christmas

this entire time?

-[Mary] Keith.
-Oh!

Have you see Chris?

Oh, Mary, he's gone.

He's dead?

No, he left!

He left town?

No, he's at the Christmas Eve
fundraiser.

I just saw him leave.

If we leave right now,
we can still make it.

We can make it?

Yeah, if we leave like--

-For the fundraiser?
-Yes.

-Come on, let's go.
-Yeah.

I just ran here from town to--

Do you think we have time to
call a cab--

Yeah, no, it's fine, we can run.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

[♪♪♪]

There's no time.

Get out of here.

Run!

We have important things to do!

Get away from the car, ma'am!

[Mary]
Keith, tell me where I'm going.

[Keith]
Go straight ahead.

Just keep goin' straight.

And then you're gonna go
straight again.

And then you're gonna go
straight.

Oh, this isn't the Snowy Heights
I grew up in.

And then hang on straight left.

In a different state!

And sharp straight!

Hey!

Keep it down back there.

I will turn

this vehicle around.

Lady, would you back up the car,
please?

[Keith]
Keep backing, keep go--

[Keith screaming]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Oh my, no way.

Are you okay?

Mary.

It's okay.

You just go on without me.

[taking deep breaths]

O-- okay, okay.

[grunting]

It's what Grandma Coco would
have wanted.

She wanted me to leave you to
die in a parking lot?

Just go.

I'll never forget you, Carl.

It's Keith.

I'll never forget you, Carl.

[choir]
♪ Silent night

♪ Silent night

♪ Silent night

[choir]
♪ Silent night

♪ Silent night

[choir]
♪ Silent night

Mary?

Mary.

Mary?

[choir]
♪ Night

Oh.

[shushing]

♪ Cocoflaps, Cocoflaps, Coco,
Cocoflaps ♪

♪ Ooh, Cocoflaps, oh,
the Cocoflaps ♪

♪ Oh, the Coco,
Cocoflaps ♪

You're not welcome here, Xbox.

Yeah?

You can say that about anywhere,

including my Mom's house on
Tuesday nights.

She has her friends over.

And I sued her, we don't get
along.

I even sided with my dad
in the custody battle

and I never even met him.

The judge said I was the most
offensive

toddler of all time.

And that's another place
I'm not allowed.

That judge's courtroom!

-And another--
-What are you doin' here, man?

Well, I heard about your
pathetic last-ditch efforts

to save Cup of Cheer.

I mean not to be a party pooper
or anything, but uh,

I've been savin' up the biggest
Christmas stinky of all time.

Sabotage.

How?

With sabotage.

I mean gay tidings you my bromo,
but I'm gonna--

[Mary]
Wait!

Wait.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, you wait.

I was just about to tell him
to suck my bum!

No, you wait!

Mary here was talking.

[Keith]
Wait.

[gasping]

Why do you look so surprised?

I thought he was dead.

What?

She just left me there.

The fundraiser was more
important.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I have learned something since
I've been in this town.

[indistinct whispering]

[clears throat]

Anyways.

The lesson I've learned is this.

This Christmas,
we should all share

a Cup of Cheer.

Mary, please, like I'm gonna
drink this trash.

Oh, so you don't like hot cocoa?

Anyone who drinks hot cocoa
is a--

Go on.

This 2002 camcorder is live
streaming

to the entire planet.

I'm sure the people of the
internet would love to know

why a big shot Cocoflaps
franchise owner with over

one location in the tri-state
area doesn't

like hot cocoa.

I love hot cocoa.

I drink hot cocoa all the time.

So hot and um--

Crunchy.

Hmm, that's--

Sip.

Sip.

Sip.

Sip, sip, sip.

Sip, sip, sip, sip--

Yep--

Sip.

Sip it!

Sip, sip--

-Sip.
-Sip, sip.

Go on!

[yelling]

Sip, sip on!

[grunting]

What?

[takes a deep breath]

Sip.

What happened?

I've been running around trying
to tell you.

Tell me what?

Tell me, what?

The secret ingredient.

He was allergic to cinnamon.

-It was deadly.
-Yeah?

Um, he's like actually dead.

But how did you know about
the cinnamon?

It was at the diner when I found
out he was allergic

to cinnamon that I knew.

Oh, Mary, I--

[Sheriff Rudolph]
Hold it.

This man's under arrest for
crimes against humanity.

-Deputy, help me out.
-Right.

You got the right to remain
silent.

Anything-- hello?

Ain't gonna talk to me, hmm?

[Mrs. Clovenwitch]
Nobody move!

Who's that?

That's Mort Clomppingbats.

Uh, no, the girl.

Is that our niece?

I found your niece for you.

No charge.

That isn't her, is it?

- No, seems about right.
- Yeah

[chuckles]

Hey, thank you, Mrs.-- golly,
you know?

I don't think I know your first
name.

It's Eve.

Mary, Chris Mas, Eve, Keith.

Oh, I'm sorry.

One more thing.

Officer Rudolph!

Lady Hammerdoodle here told me
that she used to

kidnap children.

She's also severely racist.

Arrest her.

I'll be happy to.

And the evidence is concrete.

Alright, come on.
Let's go.

Mary.

Mary, how could you do this
to me?

[Sheriff Rudolph]
Come on, let's go.

What a crazy Christmas Eve!

Don't say that name ever again.

Okay.

-Mary, I--
-Chris, I--

I love you, okay?

I love the way your name
is Chris Mas.

Yeah, okay.

I love you, too.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I mean I'm sure there's other
things I love about you

I just haven't found out yet.

We just met three days ago.

Mary.

Chris.

-Mas.
-Mas.

Merry Christmas!

[blowing air]

[♪♪♪]

[grunting]

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

[chuckling]

Well, let's sell some
gingerbread cookies

and save Cup of Cheer!

[cheering]

Woo.

- Wait, whose gingerbread
cookies are you selling?

I've got the cookies here.

Oh, um--

Are those my cookies for the
orphanage?

These are your cookies.

They're orphans, though.

They'll be grateful anyways,
right?

Yeah, yeah.

[indistinct speech]

[laughing]

So that's stupid.

You're so stupid.

This is so nice.

Thank you so--

Thank you so much.

[crunching]

[chuckling]

[♪♪♪]

[indistinct speech]

-it's okay.
-Yeah.

Okay, yeah, okay.

Is this gluten-free?

No, it's $5.

[Chris]
2-- 2,615.

-2,620.
-2,330.

6,220.
2,340.

2,300 something.

Did we do it?
Did we make enough?

No.

-We're $5 shor--
-$5 short.

I knew that, too.

Well, I guess this is it, guys.

It's over.

Chris.

Keith, Hang on.

[Mary screaming in distance]

So...

Uh, so which big city
is Mary from?

[screaming]

[♪♪♪]

[clears throat]

Fuck.

[screaming]

[takes a deep breath]

Goodbye, Santa Dog.

Be a good boy.

Guys, it's not over.

It's not?

I'm going to sell my most
beloved possession

to help all of us,

to save Cup of Cheer.

[♪♪♪]

How much for the fluffy toad?

This is Santa Dog.

He is my best friend ever and
he's looking for a new home--

-$5.
-Okay.

-Mary, you did it!
-Yeah.

You saved Cup of Cheer
and you saved Christmas.

[Mary]
And we learned about Christmas
cheer.

And finding love,
and making new friends.

And most importantly,
we learnt that small towns

are way better than big cities.

And that's what Christmas
is all about.

Hey, where did our niece go?

Hmm.

Come on, guys.

Let's go home.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What are all these presents?

There's-- oh, uh, huh.

There's only one man who
could've done this.

Santa.

From the bar.

[grunting]

[chuckling]

Merry Christmas, one and all.

- Oh my God.

Authuh, you're back.

Are we sure he even left?

Uh, I have indeed returned.

I after spending a night in
my own era,

in my castle,
I realized something.

Uh, Sir Chris was right.

Christmas is truly all about

falling in love.

So, Sir Keith,

I came back for you, Keith.

That was my quest all along.

You.

Oh, me? Huh?

[chuckling]

I love you, Sir Keith.

Okay.
Yes.

A million times yes.

Neat.

So we're in love then?

Sure.

-Authuh, uh,--
-[Authuh] Uh, yeah.

You sure you didn't come back
for me?

[Authuh]
Oh, Sir Chris.

You're my best friend.

Oh, shall we open presents?

Me first.

[chuckling]

[gasping]

Santa knew.

He really knew.

And he has a baby!

-Aw!
-Aw!

It's nice.

Oh, Mary, I uh,
I meant to ask you.

How did the article go?

Shit!

Shit!

Fuck!

Shit!

♪ When the snow falls, baby

♪ I will run to you

♪ Sweater paws,
it's cold outside ♪

♪ And I'm feelin' blue

♪ These winds are mine

♪ So I need a thing or two

♪ And I don't want another
Christmas ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Merry Christmas

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ I always wish that

♪ I could change the past year

♪ Put words together

♪ And the weather's better
out here ♪

♪ When the snow falls

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Maybe I will fall for you

♪ So many thousand cold,
cold hearts ♪

♪ There is love outside

♪ Do you feel it, too

♪ These last few lines

♪ I need a thing or two

♪ That every Christmas

♪ I'll be thinkin' about you

♪ Thinkin' about you

♪ Merry Christmas

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ I always wish that

♪ I could change the past year

♪ Put words together

♪ And the weather's better
out here ♪

♪ When the snow falls

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ Merry Christmas

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ I always wish that

♪ I could change the past year

♪ Put words together

♪ And the weather's better out
here ♪

♪ When the snow falls

♪ I'll run to you