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IT'S AGAINST ALL DECENCY, MR. MILLER,

TO ALLOW DIRT LIKE THIS IN YOUR NEWSPAPER,

I DEMAND THAT SOMETHING BE DONE ABOUT IT!

IT IS PRETTY ROUGH, BUT I JUST GOT BACK FROM EUROPE.

IT TAKES A WHILE TO GET AROUND TO THINGS.

YOU CAN'T GET AROUND TO THIS THING ANY TOO FAST.

I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE HOUSE THAT LOOKED AT THE MORNING PAPER,

BUT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING THIS FILTH ABOUT BLESSED EVENTS,

MY WIFE AND 2 DAUGHTERS-- EVEN MY MAID--

MAKE A BEELINE FOR THAT PAPER.

IT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED IN RESPECTABLE HOMES.

WHERE I COME FROM, WE'D TAKE A MAN LIKE MR. MOXLEY AND RIDE HIM OUT OF TOWN!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COME OVER HIM, BUT I'LL TALK WITH HIM.

[BUZZ]

YES, MR. MILLER?

TELL MOXLEY I WANT TO SEE HIM.

MR. MOXLEY'S ON HIS VACATION.

THERE. YOU SEE? I KNEW IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE MOXLEY,

BUT I'M GLAD YOU CALLED MY ATTENTION TO THIS.

I'LL FIND OUT WHO'S RUNNING THAT COLUMN, AND HE'LL HEAR FROM ME.

THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU.

[BUZZ]

ANYONE ELSE WAITING?

A WHOLE OFFICE FULL, AND THEY ALL HAVE KICKS TO REGISTER

ABOUT THAT COLUMN.

SAY, WHO'S WRITING THIS DYNAMITE?

A YOUNG KID FROM THE ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT.

HIS NAME IS ALVIN ROBERTS.

[SLOW TYPING]

WE'LL BOTH SAVE TIME IF YOU DICTATE.

I'M NO GOOD AT DICTATING.

WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT? YOU'RE CERTAINLY NO GOOD AT TYPING.

I'D BE IF I COULD FIND THE "H." WHERE'S THE "H"?

Q, W, E, R--NEVER MIND. I GOT IT.

OH, NUTS. WHERE'S THE "X"?

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH "X"?

I WANT TO "X" OUT THAT LAST WORD.

OH, COME ON. LET ME TAKE IT.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

A BLESSED EVENT.

NOT ANOTHER!

SURE. HOT! BUSINESS IS PICKING UP.

YOU WIN, MR. ROBERTS. PROCEED WITH THE OBSTETRICS.

HUH? I GET IT. HA HA!

"THE THOMAS H."--AND PUT IN PARENTHESIS, THE WAY I DO--

"(LEHIGH STEEL) CORRIGANS, WHO WERE SO QUIETLY MARRIED LATE THIS SUMMER,

ANTICIPATE A BLESSED EVENT--"

DASH DASH--"IN OCTOBER."

AND PUT A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS AFTER IT.

SAY, YOU CAN'T PRINT THAT.

WHY NOT?

WELL...

I KNOW. LET THE CORRIGANS WORRY ABOUT THAT.

KEEP IT UP! I'M JUST WAITING FOR MR. MOXLEY TO GET BACK.

THINK HE'S GOING TO BE SORE?

NO. HE'LL LOVE THESE LETTERS FROM PEOPLE WHO'RE GONNA BEAT HIM UP.

THOSE ARE FROM BUNNY HARMON AND HIS PUBLIC.

IF MOXLEY ALLOW, I COULD DIG UP PLENTY OF DIRT ON THAT MUG.

WHAT DO YOU GOT AGAINST BUNNY HARMON?

HE'S A CROONER, AIN'T HE? YEAH!

AIN'T THAT ENOUGH? BESIDES, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME HE GETS ME CANNED FROM WNYN.

MY MOTHER ALMOST STARVES TO DEATH FOR 2 WEEKS

UNTIL I GET A JOB IN THE AD DEPARTMENT ON THE EXPRESS.

I SEE. A ROBERTS NEVER FORGETS.

YOU'RE DOGGONE RIGHT. IF I EVER GET THAT GUY ALONE SOMETIME--

HELLO.

YEAH, HE IS.

YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM, MISS SLOAN. GOOD-BYE.

FOR ME?

IT CERTAINLY WAS.

MR. MILLER WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU IN 15 MINUTES.

WONDER WHAT HE WANTS.

I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING TELLS ME, ALVIN,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE WITH US MUCH LONGER.

I WORKED FOR 3 YEARS TO GET MYSELF UP TO 35 BUCKS A WEEK.

HA HA! NO, NO NO. MOXLEY WOULDN'T LET THEM TIE THE CAN ON ME.

THE LAST THING MR. MOXLEY TOLD YOU WAS TO LAY OFF THOSE BIRTH ITEMS.

COULD I HELP IT? I HAD TO FILL UP THE COLUMN.

ALL I'M DOING IS GET THE DIRT ON SOMEBODY.

YEAH, SO I'VE NOTICED.

WELL, I THINK I'LL GO DOWN TO THE COMPOSING ROOM AND SEE HOW THIS STUFF LOOKS.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING TO RUN THAT?

SURE! THIS MAY BE MY LAST COLUMN.

I GOT TO HAVE A PUNCH LINE FOR THE TOP.

SAY, MISS PRICE, I'M ALVIN ROBERTS,

THE GUY WHO'S SUBBING FOR MOXLEY.

SOMEDAY, WHEN YOU'VE GOT TIME, I'D LIKE YOUR EXPERT OPINION.

ALRIGHT.

I'VE BEEN READING YOUR CHATTER FOR A LONG TIME,

I THINK EVERYTHING YOU WRITE IS GREAT.

OH, THANKS. DO YOU EVER READ MY STUFF?

YES.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO ASK. HONEST, NOW.

JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?

WELL, NOW THAT YOU ASK ME,

I'D PUT IT IN ABOUT THE SAME CLASS AS COLLECTING GARBAGE.

HELLO, STEVIE. HELLO, GLADYS.

WHEN DOES GEORGE GET BACK?

EXPECT HIM BY END OF WEEK, IF I LIVE THAT LONG.

RAN ONTO A YARN ABOUT CONY BENNET AND LILLY TASHMAN

THAT I THOUGHT HE COULD USE, UNLESS YOU WANNA RUN IT SOONER.

NO! IF THIS FOOL ROBERTS GOT HOLD OF IT,

HE'D HAVE THEM WITH TWINS FOR THE EARLY EDITION.

WHY'D THEY LET HIM TAKE OVER THE COLUMN?

HE WAS ALWAYS RUNNING UP FROM THE AD DEPARTMENT WITH ITEMS,

SOME OF THEM PRETTY GOOD,

SO MOXLEY GAVE HIM A CHANCE TO SHOW WHAT HE COULD DO.

NOBODY EVER DREAMED HE'D RUN WILD.

GEORGE WILL WANNA KILL HIM WHEN HE FINDS OUT.

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE. THERE'S A LOT OF COMPETITION FOR THE JOB.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THOSE GUYS WANTED TO DO?

PUT QUESTION MARKS AFTER THAT CORRIGAN BIRTH ITEM

INSTEAD OF EXCLAMATION POINTS.

MAYBE THEY THOUGHT YOU MADE A MISTAKE IN THE MONTH.

YOU HAVEN'T MET MISS PRICE, HAVE YOU?

THIS IS ALVIN ROBERTS, GLADYS.

OH, YES. WE'VE ALREADY MET.

HEY. LOOKS LIKE KING'S STOREHOUSE AFTER THE BLIZZARD.

LOOK WHO'S HERE! WELCOME HOME. HOW ARE YOU, GEORGE?

H-H-H-HAVE A NICE TRIP?

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO MY COLUMN?

I TELL YOU, MR. MOXLEY, IT'S THIS WAY--

I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF THAT STUFF ABOUT WOMEN HAVING KIDS?

I INVENTED A NEW WAY OF SAYING IT.

WHAT NEW WAY?

"ANTICIPATES A BLESSED EVENT."

SO YOU INVENTED THAT, EH?

WELL, I READ IT SOMEWHERE, AND I REMEMBERED IT.

Sarcastically: YOU DID?

YEAH.

STEVIE, YOU WERE HERE. WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?

I TRIED TO EVERY DAY, BUT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME.

WHAT HAVE WE GOT A MANAGING EDITOR FOR?

DOESN'T HE KNOW THE LIBEL LAWS?

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T BEEN SUED BEFORE THIS!

WE HAVE. TWICE THIS WEEK.

WHAT?!

THEY CAN'T COLLECT. HA HA! I GOT THE DOPE ON THEM BOTH.

HAVE YOU GONE CRAZY, USING MY COLUMN TO PRINT A LOT OF DIRTY STORIES?

I'VE A MIND TO SOCK YOU IN THE NOSE.

GOOD EVENING.

HOW ARE YOU, MR. MILLER?

YOU'VE BEEN AWAY, HAVEN'T YOU?

YES. I JUST GOT IN.

IS THIS THE MAN THAT'S BEEN RUNNING YOUR COLUMN?

HE HAS. OH, YES. MR. ROBERTSON,

ROBERTS.

SOLICITOR IN THE WANT ADS.

I KNOW. THEY'LL HAVE TO GET ALONG WITHOUT HIM.

IF IT'S ON ACCOUNT OF THOSE LIBEL SUITS, I'VE GOT PROOF!

THAT'S ALRIGHT, MY BOY.

MOXLEY, I'VE BEEN THINKING FOR SOME TIME

THAT YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO BE WASTED ON THIS COLUMN.

I'VE GOT A SERIES OF SUNDAY STORIES IN MIND

THAT OUGHT TO BE RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY

AND A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING BIG.

WELL, WHO'S GOING TO HOLD DOWN THIS JOB?

WE FIGURED ROBERTS HAS BEEN DOING ALRIGHT.

YOU LIKE IT, MR. MILLER?

IN A WAY. BUT SOME OF IT'S BAD!

IF I HAD THE COLUMN REGULAR, I COULD CUT OUT THOSE BLESSED EVENTS AND STUFF.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO. TOMORROW'S COLUMN?

YES.

"THE THOMAS H. (LEHIGH STEEL) CORRIGANS,

"WHO WERE MARRIED SO QUIETLY LATE THIS SUMMER,

ANTICIPATE A BLESSED EVENT IN OCTOBER!"

HOLY SMOKE! THAT'LL RAISE THE DEVIL IN SOUTHAMPTON.

BUT THAT'S ALRIGHT. GIVE US MORE OF THAT.

WE'LL CHANGE THE NAME OF THIS COLUMN FROM "BROADWAY HIGH-LIGHTS"

TO "SPILLING THE DIRT."

YOU'D PUT MY NAME ON IT? CERTAINLY.

THAT'S WONDERFUL! THAT'S ALRIGHT, MY BOY.

THE JOB'S YOURS, AND THE SALARY IS $50 A WEEK.

THAT'S ALL? WHAT'S THE MATTER? DON'T YOU WANT IT?

YES, SIR! THANK YOU, MR. MILLER.

I'VE JUST BEEN TELLING MR. MILLER,

I THINK YOU'VE HIT ON SOMETHING BIG.

WHY, OUR CIRCULATION HAS JUMPED UP 15.000--

THERE'S NO WAY OF TELLING WHAT THAT COMES FROM, HANSON.

GIVING ROBERTS THE COLUMN IS PURELY AN EXPERIMENT.

YES, SIR.

WE'LL HOPE THAT IT TURNS OUT FOR THE BEST.

MR. MILLER, HE GOT US INTO 2 LIBEL SUITS THIS WEEK!

THAT'S ALRIGHT. ANYBODY CAN BE SUED FOR LIBEL.

COME TO THE OFFICE, AND WE'LL TALK OVER THOSE SUNDAY FEATURES.

WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY,

SOMETHING DISTINCTIVE, SOMETHING THAT'S UNUSUAL.

ALRIGHT. I'LL GO OUT AND GET DRUNK.

GOING TO WISH ME LUCK? I DON'T HAVE TO.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN BORN WITH A HORSESHOE AROUND YOUR NECK.

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. WHERE ARE YOU?

REGION 4-5000.

TAKE THIS, STEVENS. WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS, I MEAN PARENTHESIS.

"THE FOLLOWING ANTICIPATE BLESSED EVENTS:

"MR. AND MRS. LOUIS (ART GALLERY) SCHOENBERG,

"THE COUNTESS GRACE (VANDERPOOL) VALLENBOY,

MR. AND MRS. GEORGE CARFIELD JR.--"

HELLO.

GENERAL MATERNITY HOSPITAL.

CONNECT ME WITH MISS GREENE IN THE MATERNITY WARD.

[RING]

HELLO?

HELLO, SUGAR. THIS IS ALVIN. I GOT THAT JOB REGULAR.

OOH, THAT'S FINE.

THE SAME ARRANGEMENTS STILL GO.

$1.00 APIECE FOR ALL I CAN USE,

BUT I WANT THE NAMES THE VERY MINUTE THEY BOOK THE ROOMS.

YOU GOT IT.

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE.

NO, NOT YET.

YOU MIGHT TRY HIM IN AN HOUR. OKAY.

[HANGS UP TELEPHONE]

OH...

MR. ROBERTS?

YOU MEAN, MY--MY ASSISTANT?

IS HE REALLY YOUR ASSISTANT?

SURE. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO SEE HIM ABOUT?

I WANNA GET AN INTERVIEW WITH HIM.

O.K., BABE. STICK AROUND. I'LL FIX IT UP.

EDDIE, YOU CAN GO FOR THE MAIL NOW.

YES, MA'AM.

THIS LADY WOULD LIKE TO SEE MR. ROBERTS. WHEN DO YOU EXPECT HIM?

AFTER A YEAR WITH MR. ROBERTS, I EXPECT ANYTHING.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

JEFFERSON HIGH SCHOOL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO INTERVIEW MR. ROBERTS ABOUT?

HOW HE LIVES AND WHERE HE GOES AND WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT.

MY DEAR, YOU THINK THEY WOULD PRINT THAT IN A HIGH-SCHOOL PAPER?

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE. NO, MADAM. HE ISN'T IN.

OH, YOU'RE NOT A MADAM? WELL, I COULDN'T TELL FROM HERE.

NO, MR. ROBERTS DOESN'T SEND OUT ANY PHOTOGRAPHS.

WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE? OH, YOU DO?

WHY DON'T YOU SEND HIM ONE? GOOD-BYE.

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS? NO, HE'S NOT IN.

TRY THE SPEAKEASY ON 57th STREET.

ROBERTS IN YET?

BACK THERE. WHERE?

HIDING IN THE KEYHOLE.

LISTEN, I'M SERIOUS!

I KNOW. I WAS SERIOUS MYSELF ONCE,

AND THEN ALVIN CAME INTO MY LIFE.

NOW I LAUGH THE LIVELONG DAY. HEE HEE HEE!

WHEN DO YOU EXPECT MR. ROBERTS?

IT MAY BE DAYS, WEEKS OR YEARS.

I WOULDN'T WAIT.

I'LL COME BACK LATER.

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE. GUS BERNSTEIN?

SURE, SEND IT IN. HE'D LOVE IT.

GUS BERNSTEIN'S WRITTEN A NEW SONG ENTITLED

I'LL TELL IT TO ALVIN ROBERTS 'CAUSE I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW.

ALVIN OUGHT TO GO FOR THAT.

[RING]

THESE PHONES ARE LIKE TENNYSON'S BROOK. THEY GO ON FOREVER.

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE. YOU WANT TO SEE MR. ROBERTS?

OH, YOU WANT TO SUE MR. ROBERTS.

THE LINE FORMS ON THE LEFT.

[RING] [RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE.

HE'S NOT IN.

HELLO, STEVIE.

I GOT A HOT ONE FOR THE COLUMN.

SO YOU'RE A STOOL PIGEON FOR ALVIN, TOO?

IT ALL HELPS CIRCULATION.

THERE'S A DOORMAN AT THE CLUB ROMANOV WHO'S REALLY GENERAL VASELAVICH.

USED TO BE A BIG SHOT IN THE RUSSIAN ARMY.

DIDN'T THEY HAVE ANY PRIVATES IN THE RUSSIAN ARMY?

THEY MUST HAVE.

WHERE'S ROBERTS?

HE PHONED HE OVERSLEPT A LITTLE THIS MORNING.

MORNING? WHY, IT'S NEARLY 5:00.

IT'S STILL MORNING TO HIM.

THE MINUTE ROBERTS GETS IN, TELL HIM I WANT TO SEE HIM.

DID YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT, CHIEF?

AN APPOINTMENT? WITH WHO?

WITH MR. ROBERTS. I UNDERSTAND IT'S A NEW RULE AROUND HERE.

THERE'S GOING TO BE A NEW RULE AROUND HERE, BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE IT.

MOXLEY, HOW'S THE NEW PET DEPARTMENT GETTING ALONG?

GREAT. TOMORROW I'M RUNNING AN INTERVIEW WITH A FLEA

AND HOW HE GOT RID OF HIS DOGS.

YOU MEAN, HOW A DOG GOT RID OF HIS FLEAS.

NO. I'M SAVING THAT FOR NEXT WEEK.

MOXLEY, YOU'VE GOT A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO BUILD UP CIRCULATION.

THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH PETS.

THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH BALD HEADS, TOO.

COULDN'T I BE THE DANDRUFF EDITOR?

[RING]

HELLO? NO, MR. ROBERTS HASN'T COME IN YET.

YEAH, HE RUNS POETRY, THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHY.

MR. ROBERTS? YEAH?

I WON'T TAKE UP MUCH TIME.

I'M ON THE STAFF OF OUR HIGH-SCHOOL PAPER, I'D LIKE AN INTERVIEW.

COME BACK SATURDAY AT 6:00.

SATURDAY AT 6:00? THANK YOU, MR. ROBERTS.

DON'T MENTION IT.

Stevens: SATURDAY'S YOUR DAY OFF.

YOU'RE TELLING ME. WHO WAS THAT KID?

ONE OF YOUR ADMIRERS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

WE HAD ONE YESTERDAY FROM KINDERGARTEN.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T?

THE BOSS WANTS TO SEE YOU.

LET HIM WAIT. I GOT TO HAVE A PUNCH LINE.

DIDN'T YOU GET ANYTHING LAST NIGHT?

SURE, I GOT SOMETHING. I GOT A HANGOVER.

I MUST HAVE BEEN IN 15 NIGHTCLUBS, AND NOTHING HAPPENS, NOT EVEN A RAID.

LOOK. 500 SMACKERS FROM CAMPUS HUMOR FOR 3 HOURS' WORK.

WHAT OTHER EGG IS DRAGGING THAT DOWN?

AND I GOT 1.000 BUCKS FOR MY RADIO TALK LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S MORE THAN AMOS & ANDY GET.

AND THEY'VE TO BLACK UP, TOO.

NO. THEY JUST TALK THAT WAY.

ANY OTHER MESSAGES?

NOT THAT I KNOW OF. OH, YEAH! I ALMOST FORGOT.

MRS. SADYE MOSKOWITZ OF 4268 BRIGGS AVENUE, THE BRONX,

IS EXPECTING A BABY.

WHO?

MRS. SADYE MOSKOWITZ.

[BRONX ACCENT] SADYE WITH A "Y."

I MIGHT RUN IT. IT MIGHT BE A LAUGH.

NOT WITH MR. MOSKOWITZ. I BET HE BUYS 50 COPIES.

WE COULD GET IT SYNDICATED IN ALL THE JEWISH PAPERS.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY JEWS THERE ARE IN NEW YORK?

MUST BE DOZENS.

COME ON. I KNOW THAT MANY PERSONALLY.

TAKE THIS, STEVENS.

"MRS. SADYE MOSKOWITZ OF 4268 BRIGGS AVENUE, THE BRONX,

IS PREPARING HER SEVENTH BASSINET."

HMM. HER HUSBAND.

"HER HUSBAND JOE MOSKOWITZ SAYS, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, UNEMPLOYMENT?"

OH, ANY NEW LIBEL SUITS TODAY?

ONE THREATENED.

ONE? I MUST BE SLIPPING. WHO IS IT?

THE CAMPUS NIGHTCLUB. THEY'RE SORE BECAUSE YOU KNOCKED THEIR BEER.

I ONLY SAID IT LOOKED OUT OF PLACE IN A STEIN.

HERE'S SOMETHING THAT MIGHT CHEER YOUR DAY--

AN EDITORIAL ABOUT YOU IN THE EVENING STAR.

A BOOST, HUH?

BOOST IS HARDLY THE WORD.

OH, A RAZZ? SEE HOW IT STRIKES YOU.

"TABLOID JOURNALISM AT ITS WORST."

WHAT'S IT ABOUT? READ IT.

I CAN'T. IT AIN'T ENGLISH.

"AMERICAN JOURNALISM HAS PASSED THROUGH SOME SORDID PHASES,

BUT MR. ROBERTS ACHIEVES THE ABSOLUTE NADIR."

NADIR? WHAT'S A NADIR?

SEARCH ME.

LOOK IT UP. NADIR. N-A-D-I-R.

"IF YOUR WIFE IS TO HAVE THE SACRED EXPERIENCE OF MOTHERHOOD,

"MR. ROBERTS PREDICTS THE DAY AND THE HOUR FOR THE PUBLIC'S AMUSEMENT.

"PRESENTLY, IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE

HE WILL BE GIVING THE FULL CIRCUMSTANCES OF THE CONCEPTION."

I'LL GET THOSE GUYS IF IT TAKES 10 YEARS!

HERE YOU ARE. "NADIR. LOWEST POINT. LESS THAN NOTHING."

SO THAT'S WHAT I AM? A NADIR? I'LL SHOW THEM.

IT COMES FROM THE ARABIAN.

I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T ENGLISH.

SO I'M AN ARABIAN NADIR. THAT'S WHAT I AM.

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHO'S WORRYING? HERE I AM DRAGGING DOWN $90.000 A YEAR

FROM MY COLUMN, MY SYNDICATE STUFF, MY RADIO TALKS.

I SHOULD CARE WHAT A $100-A-WEEK EDITORIAL WRITER SAYS ABOUT ME?

SURE. WHY SHOULD YOU?

I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHO WROTE THAT.

IF HE EVER DID ANYTHING, IF HIS MOTHER DID ANYTHING,

IF HIS GRANDMOTHER EVER DID ANYTHING, THE PUBLIC'S GOING TO KNOW.

THINK I'LL SUE HIM FOR LIBEL. I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SUING ME. I CAN SUE SOMEBODY FOR A CHANGE.

I'M A NADIR. HA HA!

WHAT ARE THESE?

BUNNY HARMON MAIL FROM WOMEN ASKING YOU TO STOP KNOCKING HIM.

HOW MANY? 39.

9 MORE THAN YESTERDAY. WHY DO THEY FALL FOR THAT PANSY?

OH, HE'S NOT BAD.

THINK I'LL TAKE ANOTHER CRACK AT HIM. TAKE THIS, STEVIE.

"BUNNY HARMON, THE WELL-KNOWN MEGAPHONY, IS SAID TO BE THE ABSOLUTE NADIR--"

HUH?

NADIR. WRITE IT DOWN. YOU HEARD ME. N-A-D-I-R.

"...OF AMERICAN SAXOPHONISTS."

THAT OUGHT TO BRING IN A COUPLE MORE LETTERS.

IT WILL.

WHERE ARE THE EVENING PAPERS? THE BOY HASN'T BROUGHT THEM YET.

GET THEM FOR ME. SOMETIMES THERE'S SOMETHING IN THEM.

O.K. CAN I RUN DOWN TO THE DRY CLEANERS BEFORE IT CLOSES?

SURE. GO AHEAD.

[HUMMING]

TAKE THIS, STEVIE--OH.

"TRY A HURRICANE COCKTAIL--

"ONE PART GIN, ONE PART TOMATO JUICE, AND ONE PART CHAMPAGNE--

"AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW THERE WAS A DEPRESSION.

THE HOWARD"--MMM.

GET ME THE HOTEL MAYFIELD, BABY. RIGHT.

"THE HOWARD (BETTY BARNS) UPDYKES

HAVE PHFFT." P-H-F-F-T.

[RING]

YEAH? LET ME HAVE CONSTANCE CONNER'S ROOM, PLEASE.

THANKS.

"IT'LL BE A B--

IT'LL BE A BOY AT THE REGINALD TAYLORS ON FIFTH AVENUE."

PERIOD.

"THEY CAN TELL BY THE HEARTBEATS, YOU DOPE."

HELLO. HELLO, CONSTANCE CONNER?

YES?

UMM...THIS IS THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THAT MAN OUT OF YOUR ROOM RIGHT AWAY.

WHY, THE IDEA! THERE'S NO MAN IN MY ROOM.

OH, YES, THERE IS.

WILL YOU GIVE ME 5 MINUTES?

PLEASE. I'LL GET HIM OUT.

SEE THAT YOU DO. WHAT KIND OF A HOTEL DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

"MISS CONSTANCE CONNER IS BACK IN CIRCULATION."

YOU ROBERTS?

YEAH. WHAT ABOUT IT?

A LOT ABOUT IT.

YOU AND ME'S GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK, SEE?

[RING]

I WOULDN'T ANSWER THAT.

[RING]

YOU AIN'T IN, SEE?

NOW LISTEN, BABY.

YOU'VE BEEN PULLING A LOT OF CRACKS ABOUT A PAL, SAM GOBEL, AND HE DON'T LIKE IT.

SO I'M TELLING YOU TO LAY OFF, OR SOMEBODY'S GOING FOR A BUGGY RIDE, AND NEVER COMING BACK.

WHEN DID I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT GOBEL?

LAST MONDAY WAS ONCE. GET THIS.

"THAT SNOOTY SIN DEN ON EAST 57th STREET

"IS REALLY OWNED BY A BROADWAY PUBLIC ENEMY

"THAT THE JUNIOR-LEAGUE DEBS WOULD FAINT AT

IF THEY SAW HIM IN THE PLACE."

THAT DON'T MENTION GOBEL.

NO, BUT THERE AIN'T NOBODY ELSE THAT FITS.

SAM DON'T LIKE IT, AND WHAT'S MORE, I DON'T LIKE IT.

UM...

WHO ARE YOU?

JUST CALL ME FRANKIE.

FRAN-- NOT FRANKIE WELLS?

YOU AIN'T SO DUMB, AT THAT.

I THOUGHT YOUR HANGOUT WAS IN CHICAGO.

IT IS, MOSTLY, BUT THEY GOT A LOT OF UNEMPLOYMENT,

SO SAM ASKED ME TO COME AND FIX UP FEW THINGS FOR HIM HERE.

SO I'M ONE OF THEM.

YEAH. ONE OF THEM.

BUMPING OFF THAT CHINESE LAUNDRYMAN DOWN MacDOUGALL STREET

WAS THE OTHER ONE?

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

I GET AROUND. YOU AIN'T DENYING IT, ARE YOU?

NOT TO YOU. I DON'T CARE IF YOU KNOW I DID IT,

BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOING TO MAKE NO TROUBLE FOR ME OR NOBODY ELSE.

GET ME? I GOT YOU.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU THE SAME AS I TOOK CARE OF THE CHINK.

THERE'LL BE NOTHING ON ME NOBODY CAN USE IN COURT. I JUST WASN'T AROUND.

SURE, I KNOW.

GOBEL FIXES UP SOME SWELL ALIBIS FOR HIS BOYS.

YOU BET HE DOES, AND THE ONE WE GOT FRAMED FOR YOU IS A PIP.

I GOT YOUR PAPERS, MR. ROBERTS.

THANKS. ANYTHING ELSE, MR. ROBERTS?

YEAH, YEAH. TAKE THESE RECORDS DOWNSTAIRS FOR ME.

O.K., MR. ROBERTS. WAIT A MINUTE.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. BE VERY, VERY, VERY CAREFUL WITH IT, WILL YOU?

O.K., MR. ROBERTS.

THEN I CAN GO BACK AND TELL SAM EVERYTHING'S JAKE?

SURE. SURE. TELL HIM THAT.

NO HARD FEELINGS? NO. NO HARD FEELINGS.

THEN I WON'T BE SEEING YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE! I GOT SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

SHOW ME WHAT?

SOMETHING I GOT HERE.

WHAT IS THAT?

RUTH SNYDER IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

WAS STANDING NEXT TO THE GUY THAT TOOK IT.

YOU WAS?

SHE WASN'T MUCH FURTHER AWAY THAN I'M FROM YOU, THE CHAIR WAS SAME, ONLY BIGGER,

WITH STRAPS ON IT TO FASTEN YOU DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

RUTH SNYDER IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT THE ELECTRIC CHAIR?

YOU OUGHT TO. YOU MIGHT BE CLOSER TO IT THAN YOU THINK.

ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL SOME GAG?

NOBODY'S GOT NOTHING ON ME!

NO? I WOULDN'T BE TOO SURE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

EVER SEEN ONE OF THOSE? IT TAKES DOWN EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

I SWITCHED IT ON WHEN YOU SPOKE ABOUT THAT CHINAMAN, AND WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO TO ME.

IN YOUR OWN WORDS IN THAT RECORD THE BOY TOOK.

WOULDN'T DO YOU GOOD TO SHOOT ME UNLESS YOU SHOT THAT RECORD,

BECAUSE THEY CAN RUN IT OFF FOR A JURY ANYTIME.

CLOAKING ME WOULD MEAN THEY'D HAVE YOU FOR 2 MURDERS NOT ONE,

AND ONE TRIP TO THAT CHAIR IS PLENTY.

GO THERE SOMETIME AND SEE THEM BURN SOMEBODY?

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'D NEVER FORGET.

THE ROOM WAS ABOUT THE SIZE OF THIS ONE.

THE WITNESSES ARE ON BENCHES, AND THE CHAIR IS RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

THERE'S A WIRE COMING UP WITH A RUBBER CAP.

INSIDE IS A SPONGE SOAKED IN SALT WATER, THEY STRAP THAT ON YOUR LEG RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S WHAT CAUSES ALL THE STEAM.

KIND OF BLUE. IN HERE IS A SMALLER ROOM.

THAT'S WHERE THE SLABS ARE. THEY LAY YOU THERE WHEN THEY BANDAGE YOUR LEG.

WHAT FOR? DIDN'T YOU KNOW?

THE RIGHT LEG. THE ONE THAT GETS THE JUICE.

WHEN THEY UNDO THE STRAPS AND LIFT YOU OUT,

THAT RIGHT LEG SNAPS UP WITH A KINK, AND YOUR HEEL HITS YOUR BACKSIDE.

THEY TIE IT STRAIGHT WHILE IT'S WARM, ELSE THEY'D NEVER GET YOU INTO A COFFIN.

LAY OFF!

HERE IS A DOOR FROM THE DEATH HOUSE.

YOU'VE BEEN THERE HOPING AT THE LAST MINUTE,

SOMEBODY WILL COME WITH A PARDON FROM THE GOVERNOR, BUT NOBODY COMES.

IT'S THOSE LAST 8 HOURS THAT DRIVE YOU NUTS--

THAT WAITING AND WAITING.

YOU ORDER A BIG DINNER, AND WHEN YOU EAT, YOU THROW UP

BECAUSE YOU GOT NO HOPE TO BRACE YOU UP.

FINALLY, BEFORE MIDNIGHT, THE WARDEN COMES. HE'S ON TIME. HE'S NEVER BEEN LATE YET.

HE'S COME TO TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE--ONLY IT'S A WALK, FRANKIE.

A SLOW WALK, LIKE THIS, SEE?

YOU'RE COMING IN FROM THERE OUT OF THE DARK,

AND YOUR FEET ARE SHUFFLING, AND THAT PANTS LEG IS FLAPPING,

AND YOU'RE LOOKING UP, YOUR EYES BLINKING.

YOU'RE SAYING OVER AND OVER, "HEAVEN FORGIVE ME."

THEY'RE ALL STANDING UP, THE REPORTERS AND THE DOCTORS.

COUPLE OF WITNESSES PASS OUT WHILE THEY'RE STRAPPING YOU IN THE CHAIR.

THEY PUT STRAPS HERE, HERE, AND A BIG ONE HERE.

THERE'S ANOTHER ONE OVER HERE THAT'S TIGHT. OH, IT'S TIGHT!

THEN THEY PUT A WIDE RUBBER BAND ACROSS YOUR EYES AND MOUTH SO YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY.

THEN THEY STEP BACK AND LEAVE YOU THERE ALONE

ABOUT 10 SECONDS, WHICH SEEMS LIKE 10 YEARS TO YOU.

YOU KNOW WHY THEY DO THAT, FRANKIE?

BECAUSE THE WARDENS WAIT UNTIL ALL YOUR BREATH'S OUT,

BECAUSE IF YOUR LUNGS WERE FULL WHEN YOU MADE THAT LUNGE FORWARD,

YOU MIGHT SQUEAL, AND EVERYBODY WOULD GO NUTS.

THEN THEY GIVE YOU 2 SHOTS OF 2.000 VOLTS EACH,

AND YOUR HAIR STARTS SMOKING, AND YOUR LEG IS STEAMING.

THAT LEFT HAND THAT'S STRAPPED DOWN SO TIGHT

STARTS TURNING, TURNING,

UNTIL FINALLY, ONE FINGER POINTS STRAIGHT UP

TO WHERE YOU'RE NOT GOING.

JEEZ! I THOUGHT THEY HAD ME.

YOU'RE ALRIGHT, FRANKIE. NOBODY'S GOT YOU.

AND THEY AIN'T EVER GONNA.

AND YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT ABOUT PUTTING ME ON THE SPOT.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO SCARE YOU.

I KNEW YOU WERE KIDDING. THAT'S ALL. JUST KIDDING.

BUT IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO ME,

THE COPS WOULDN'T KNOW YOU WERE KIDDING.

THEY'D HAVE TO BURN SOMEBODY, AND IT MIGHT AS WELL BE YOU.

BUT...SUPPOSE SOMEBODY ELSE BUMPED YOU OFF--

SOMEBODY I NEVER EVEN SEEN?

THAT WOULD JUST BE YOUR TOUGH LUCK.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

GO TELL SAM GOBEL IF HE EVER PULLS ANY MORE GAGS,

I'LL KNOCK HIS EARS OFF!

CAN'T TELL HIM THAT. I GOT A REPUTATION.

I'M A TOUGH GUY FROM CHICAGO.

TELL HIM I'M A TOUGHER ONE FROM NEW YORK.

DIDN'T GET ALL ME MONEY FOR THAT CHINAMAN. NOW GOBEL WILL HOLD OUT ON ME.

HOW ABOUT SOME MONEY FROM ME? DOING WHAT?

LETTING ME IN ON STUFF ABOUT GOBEL AND HIS MOB.

I COULDN'T! SUPPOSE THEY FOUND OUT?

SUPPOSE THEY DIDN'T? THINK IT OVER. LET'S TALK SOMETIME.

OH. AM I INTRUDING?

NO. I'M JUST GOING, ANYWAY.

COME BACK AND SEE ME SOMETIME, FRANKIE.

DID YOU GET A PUNCH LINE OUT OF HIM?

I SURE DID, ONLY IT'S NO GOOD FOR TODAY'S COLUMN.

SAY, STEVIE. YEAH?

LOOK UP SOME RECORD I SENT DOWN. WANNA SEE WHAT'S ON THEM.

THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING. THERE WILL. I JUST DICTATED.

THE KID DROPPED THE RECORDS, AND THEY BROKE IN A THOUSAND PIECES.

DON'T YOU FEEL WELL, ALVIN?

WONDERFUL.

"SEEN ALONG PARK AVENUE--

"THE FORMER MRS. ROBERT (RAILROAD KING) PENNY, 64,

"AND HER NEW PLAYBOY HUSBAND, 26,

"PARADING WITH HER BLUE-RIBBON POODLE, FIFI,

WHO IS ANTICIPATING A BLESSED EVENT."

DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED, TAKING THESE DIGS AT PEOPLE?

NOT WHILE IT GETS ME THE BIG MONEY.

HERE I AM, MAKING ENOUGH TO HAVE EVERYTHING--

A SWELL APARTMENT, A CAR, EVEN A SANDWICH NAMED AFTER ME,

AND THE SWEETEST GIRL IN THE WORLD WON'T GIVE ME A TUMBLE.

LET'S NOT GO INTO THAT. I JUST CAN'T.

WHY NOT, HONEY? YOU KNOW I'M NUTS ABOUT YOU.

IMAGINE THE HOME WE COULD HAVE,

THINK OF ALL THIS DOUGH I'M MAKING, HOW IT'S ALL GOING TO WASTE.

THAT ISN'T THE REASON THAT KEEPS ME FROM--

YOU MEAN, YOU JUST CAN'T SEE ME, PERSONALLY?

NOT THAT. WHAT IS IT? THE DIRT?

IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T LIKE YOU--

IN SOME WAYS, I THINK YOU'RE SWELL--

BUT IT'S THAT STUFF YOU WRITE.

I SUPPOSE IF I REALLY LOVED YOU, I WOULDN'T LET THAT STAND IN THE WAY.

BUT IT'S LIKE YOU LISTEN TO THINGS THAT AREN'T YOUR BUSINESS AND TATTLE.

TRY AND SEE IT MY WAY. I'M BEATING THE NEWS.

AFTER A WHILE, ALL MY BLESSED EVENTS BECOME BABIES.

THEN THEY'RE ALRIGHT. I PRINT THAT A PROMINENT COUPLE HAVE CHILLED.

6 WEEKS LATER, THEY ARE IN RENO, AND EVERYBODY'S PRINTING IT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

THEY'RE SECRETS UNTIL YOU GET AHOLD OF THEM.

I NEVER PRINT ANYTHING THAT PEOPLE AREN'T ALREADY GOSSIPING ABOUT.

BUT YOU DO IT FOR MONEY.

SOMEDAY, YOU'LL SEE THINGS MY WAY. YOU'VE GOT TO.

BECAUSE IN MY LIFE, THERE'S ONLY 2 THINGS THAT MATTER:

YOU AND MY COLUMN.

HELLO, MOX. WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I'M STUCK FOR A MONDAY PUNCH THE WORST WAY.

WELL, HOOVER'S PRESIDENT.

I KNOW, BUT THEY ASKED ME TO KEEP IT QUIET.

ON THE LEVEL, DON'T YOU KNOW A THING? I'M RIGHT ON MY DEADLINE.

HOW SHOULD I KNOW ANYTHING? I'M JUST A PET EDITOR.

DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD ONE.

SURE. ANYTIME YOUR CAT NEEDS A MIDWIFE, GIVE ME A RING.

HELLO. WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T?

I KNOW YOU'RE A MIRACLE MAN,

THE WAY YOU KEEP THAT COLUMN BUBBLING OVER.

IT'S NOT EASY. I'M STUCK FOR A MONDAY PUNCH LINE. ONLY FEW HOURS TO FIND ONE.

YOU'LL GET ONE. YOU ALWAYS DO.

I WANT A TOP LINE WITH A REAL WALLOP.

ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU'RE GOING TO RUN SOMETHING

WITH SUCH A WALLOP THAT YOU'LL GET HURT.

WOULD YOU CARE?

OF COURSE I'D CARE. LOTS.

ENOUGH RIGHT NOW TO GIVE ME JUST ONE LITTLE KISS?

JUST FOR LUCK.

AL, DON'T ASK ME THAT. THINK HOW I FEEL.

SEEING YOU EVERY DAY, TALKING TO YOU, LOVING YOU ALL THE TIME

AND NEVER EVEN GETTING TO FIRST BASE.

JUST ONE, THEN.

I THINK I'D BETTER GO NOW.

Alvin: LOOK OUT.

I, UH--AHEM. YEAH. AND NOW--

[RING]

IN REGARDS--

HELLO?

YEAH. WAIT A MINUTE.

MISS AMELIA ROTHSCHILD IS ON THE PHONE.

NOT THE AMELIA ROTHSCHILD OF SUTTON PLACE?

THAT'S WHERE SHE SLEEPS FOR PUBLICATION.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HER? NO.

HE'S NOT IN.

TAKE THIS. WE HAVE IT ON THE BEST AUTHORITY-- PUT THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COLUMN.

WHAT WELL-KNOWN BANKER'S SON SECRETLY ANKLED UP THE AISLE TO THE ALTAR

WITH ONE OF THE MORE GLORIFIED OF ZIEGFELD'S DAMSELS?

WHAT ONE HAS?

HOW DO I KNOW? I'M ONLY ASKING.

ANYTHING ELSE?

WELL, WHEN IN DOUBT, ALWAYS RIB BUNNY HARMON.

TAKE THIS: THE OTHER NIGHT, BUNNY HARMON-- MAKE THAT BUGGY HARMON--

AND HIS SO-CALLED JAZZ BAND WERE INTERRUPTED BY A DRUNK

WHO SUDDENLY SHOUTED, "YOU'RE A DIRTY SO-AND-SO!"

ONE OF HARMON'S MEN ANGRILY AROSE AND SAID,

"WHO CALLED OUR JAZZ LEADER A SO-AND-SO?"

WHEREUPON THE DRUNK REPLIED, "WHO CALLED THE SO-AND-SO A JAZZ LEADER?"

OH, MR. ROBERTS.

I'M DUE AT THAT BROADCASTING STATION IN AN HOUR.

SHOOT THAT STUFF DOWNSTAIRS AND STICK AROUND FOR THE PHONE CALL.

I'LL SHOOT IN A PUNCH LINE IF I'VE TO MURDER SOMEBODY.

BUT SUPPOSE YOU DON'T GET IT.

I'M STILL BATTING 1.000. I'M NOT GOING TO STRIKE OUT NOW.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ EVERY GOLDENROD SEEMS TO NOD A NOD ♪♪

♪♪ TO THE BREEZE'S WARM CARESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE STARS ABOVE TUMBLE INTO LOVE ♪♪

♪♪ WITH ITS SPRINGTIME LOVELINESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

♪♪ EVERY JACK TO HIS JILL ♪♪

♪♪ IS CALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ UP THE HILL, DOWN THE HILL ♪♪

♪♪ THEY'RE FALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE WORLD AROUND IS CLOVER-BOUND ♪♪

♪♪ ON THAT HONEYMOON EXPRESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

♪♪ EVERY GOLDENROD SEEMS TO NOD ♪♪

♪♪ TO THAT BREEZE'S WARM CARESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD..♪♪

MR. ROBERTS.

YEAH?

I'M DOROTHY LANE.

O.K., DOROTHY, I'VE SPOTTED YOUR NUMBER

RIGHT AFTER WE HEAR FROM TREM PERKINS IN CHICAGO.

COULD I SPEAK TO YOU FOR JUST A MINUTE?

WHAT? WHEN I'M LISTENING TO MY FAVORITE MUSICIAN?

♪♪ EVERY JACK TO HIS JILL ♪♪

♪♪ IS CALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ UP THE HILL, DOWN THE HILL ♪♪

♪♪ THEY'RE FALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE WORLD AROUND IS CLOVER-BOUND ♪♪

♪♪ ON THAT HONEYMOON EXPRESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

THIS IS BUNNY HARMON, THE OLD MUSIC MASTER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IF YOU LIKE ME ON THE AIR, I HOPE YOU DO,

YOU CAN SEE ME IN PERSON A WEEK FROM SATURDAY NIGHT

WHEN I OPEN MY NEW TEMPLE OF MELODY, THE CHATEAU HARMONY.

YES, SIR, AND IT'S GOING TO BE BROADWAY'S SMARTEST NIGHTCLUB.

THE CHATEAU HARMONY WILL BE AN EXCLUSIVE RENDEZVOUS FOR DISCRIMINATING PEOPLE.

AND I TAKE PLEASURE IN ANNOUNCING THIS AS AN ADDED ATTRACTION:

MR. ALVIN ROBERTS WILL NEVER BE ADMITTED.

SO YOU MUST COME OVER.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

HI, ROBERTS.

THIS IS THE STUDIO OF WYNY IN NEW YORK CITY,

CROMWELL CHURCH ANNOUNCING.

FOR THE NEXT HALF-HOUR, THE GOLD STRIKE CIGARETTE PROGRAM COMES TO YOU

OVER OUR NATIONAL NETWORK,

WITH BITS OF ENTERTAINMENT FROM HERE AND THERE

AS MR. ROBERTS TRANSPORTS US ROUND THE COUNTRY WITH HIS MAGIC WAND.

INCIDENTALLY, HE BRINGS TO US THE NEWEST LOWDOWN

AS HE PEEKS THROUGH THE NATION'S KEYHOLE.

THIS IS ALVIN ROBERTS SPEAKING AS HE WAVES HIS MAGIC WAND.

IF YOU WANT THE LOWDOWN ON CIGARETTES,

THERE ARE NONE AS KIND TO THE THROAT AS GOLD STRIKE.

NOW FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.

WHEN BUNNY HARMON OPENS HIS CHATEAU HARMONY A WEEK FROM SATURDAY NIGHT,

SPECIAL ATTRACTION: MRS. ROBERTS' NAUGHTY BOY ALVIN

WILL POSITIVELY BE THERE IN PERSON.

YOU MUST COME OVER. AND NOW TO GET DOWN TO THE DIRT.

YOUR CORRESPONDENT HAS TO ADMIT THAT BROADWAY HAS BEEN SORT OF BLAH-BLAH THIS WEEK.

BATTLING DELANEY, WHO RECENTLY K.O.'d KID CALLAHAN WITH ONE PUNCH,

HAS A LEFT ORB THAT IS A TOTAL ECLIPSE.

HE DIDN'T GET IT IN THE RING, BUT THEY SAY HIS WIFE SWINGS A WICKED RIGHT.

MRS. LOUISE (BEAUTY CONTEST) CARTER,

WHO THREATENED TO UP IN RENO LAST WEEK,

HAS HAD HER MARITAL WOUNDS BANDAGED IN A NEW ERMINE COAT.

THE OTHER NIGHT, I ERRONEOUSLY REPORTED

THAT CHESTER (VICE SQUAD) BRENT, TIGHT AS A DRUM,

WAS THROWN OUT OF A LOCAL SPEAK.

AN APOLOGY IS IN ORDER. IT WAS NOT CHESTER. IT WAS HIS WIFE.

I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT FOR YOU. AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN TONIGHT,

I HAD AS MY GUEST COLONEL JOSE MAJICA OF THE SPANISH ARMY,

WHO HAS CONSENTED TO SAY A FEW WORDS. COLONEL JOSE MAJICA OF THE SPANISH ARMY.

[IMITATING SPANISH ACCENT] LADIES, GENTLEMEN, I LIKE EXHIBITION VERY MUCH.

I ADMIRE AMERICAN SPORTSMANSHIP.

I THANK YOU. GRACIAS, SENOR.

[USUAL VOICE] THANK YOU, COLONEL.

YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO COLONEL JOSE MAJICA OF THE SPANISH ARMY.

NOW WITH A WAVE OF THE MAGIC WAND,

I'LL TRANSFER YOU TO TREM PERKINS AND HIS MELODISTS AT THE CLUB MIRAMAR, CHICAGO.

ON WITH THE DANCE. O.K., CHICAGO!

[SLIDING WHISTLE]

COULD I SEE YOU NOW, MR. ROBERTS?

SURE, KID. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

WELL, I...I CAN'T TALK TO YOU HERE.

COULD I SEE YOU ALONE, PLEASE?

ALRIGHT.

LET'S GO IN HERE.

WELL, DOROTHY, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO, MR. ROBERTS.

WHAT?

DON'T PRINT IT.

PLEASE, MR. ROBERTS, DON'T PRINT IT.

PRINT WHAT? OH... WELL, I MEAN, UH,

I MEAN, I MIGHT HAVE TO, YOU KNOW.

IF I CUT OUT EVERYTHING THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T WANT ME TO PRINT, HOW COULD I GET OUT A COLUMN?

BUT YOU'VE GOT MANY OTHER THINGS TO PRINT, THIS WOULD BE THE END OF ME.

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT THAT I KNEW?

ONE OF THE GIRLS TIPPED ME. SHE HEARD SOMEWHERE. I HAVEN'T SLEPT SINCE.

I WAS GONNA JUMP OUT THE WINDOW, THEN I THOUGHT IF I MET YOU AND EXPLAINED--

I GOT MY JOB TO THINK OF.

PLEASE, MR. ROBERTS. MY FRIENDS SAY YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.

IF MY MOTHER EVER HEARS ABOUT IT, I...

I COULD NEVER FACE HER AGAIN.

I'LL PAY YOU, MR. ROBERTS.

I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY, ONLY DON'T PRINT IT.

YOUR MOTHER MIGHT NOT EVEN SEE IT.

SHE READS YOUR COLUMN EVERY DAY.

HERE IN NEW YORK? IN TEXAS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

WAY DOWN THERE.

IT WOULDN'T DO YOU ANY GOOD, MR. ROBERTS.

I'M SO UNIMPORTANT, JUST A SINGER IN A REVUE.

NOBODY WOULD REMEMBER 10 MINUTES AFTER THEY READ IT--

NOBODY BUT MY MOTHER AND A COUPLE OF OTHER PEOPLE.

IF I DON'T PRINT IT, SOMEBODY ELSE WILL.

THEY WON'T! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS, EXCEPT MY ROOMMATE.

I'M GOING AWAY TO THE COUNTRY SOMEPLACE.

NOBODY WILL KNOW.

I'M TELLING EVERYBODY I'M GOING HOME TO VISIT MOTHER FOR A WHILE.

WHO'S THE GUY THAT GOT YOU IN TROUBLE?

I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT! HE'D KILL ME!

HE'S BEING GOOD TO ME, PAYING MY WAY TO THE COUNTRY AND FOR THE DOCTOR AND EVERYTHING.

WELL, HE OUGHT TO.

YOU WON'T PRINT IT. IT WOULDN'T DO ANYBODY ANY GOOD.

AH, NEVER MIND.

FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

OH, GEE, THANK YOU, MR. ROBERTS.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN EVER DO--

YOU HEARD ME.

NOBODY'S GOING TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU FOR IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW WORRIED I'VE BEEN.

I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRET. GET YOUR MIND ON THIS NUMBER. YOU O.K.?

Man: THERE'S YOUR SIGNAL, MR. ROBERTS.

THANK YOU, TREM PERKINS. WELL, HERE WE ARE BACK IN NEW YORK,

WHERE THE BIG SKYSCRAPERS COVER A MULTITUDE OF SKINS.

NOW, FOLKS, I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT IN STORE FOR YOU.

MISS DOROTHY LANE, ONE OF THE SWEETEST KIDS IN ALL THE WIDE, WIDE WORLD,

IS GONNA SING FOR YOU THE NUMBER THAT SHE INTRODUCED AT THE MIDNIGHT REVUE.

O.K., MISS LANE.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

♪♪ I'LL BE WAITING FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

♪♪ ANY TIME AT ALL WILL DO ♪♪

♪♪ HERE'S MY NUMBER, DEAR, AND DON'T YOU LOSE IT ♪♪

♪♪ AND WON'T YOU USE IT MIGHTY SOON? ♪♪

♪♪ AND WHEN I HEAR MY PHONE BELL RING ♪♪

♪♪ I WILL CANCEL EVERYTHING ♪♪

♪♪ AND TILL IT COMES, I'LL BE HOLDING MY THUMBS ♪♪

♪♪ WAITING FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

♪♪ OH, I'LL BE WAITING FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

♪♪ ANY TIME AT ALL WILL DO ♪♪

♪♪ HERE'S MY NUMBER, DEAR, AND DON'T YOU LOSE IT ♪♪

[RING]

HELLO.

STE--GET THIS, STEVIE.

THE PUNCH LINE FOR THE MONDAY DIRT:

MISS DOROTHY LANE, SINGER IN THE MIDNIGHT REVUE,

ANTICIPATES A BLESSED EVENT.

NOW GET THE PUNCH: WITHOUT BENEFIT OF CLERGY.

DO I EVER FALL DOWN? NOW, I ASK YOU.

♪♪ WAITING FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

HEY, THAT DIRT-SLINGER'S GOT ME IN THE PAN AGAIN.

GET THIS:

SYLVIA PIERSON'S NEW ORCHID SUPPLIER IS A BIG-TIME RACKETEER,

ONLY SHE DON'T KNOW IT.

I THOUGHT FRANKIE WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

THAT GUY ROBERTS WON'T LAY OFF. THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TALK TO HIM.

GIVE ME TIME, SAM.

YOU'VE HAD A MONTH. ARE YOU FEEDING HIM SLOW POISON?

I GOT TO BE CAREFUL, SAM. CAREFUL. YOU'RE STALLING.

GO AND TALK TO THAT MUG NOW.

ONE MORE CRACK ABOUT ME, AND HE'S FLIRTING WITH THE UNDERTAKER.

I'LL TELL HIM, BUT I GOT-- YOU WANT ME TO SEND JOE?

SEND ME, I'LL MAKE QUICK WORK OF IT.

DON'T SEND JOE. I'LL GO.

ALRIGHT, GO ON! DON'T STAND THERE TALKING ABOUT IT.

LEAVE IT TO ME, SAM.

[DOOR BUZZER]

HERE'S MR. ROBERTS' COAT.

OH, THANK YOU. CAN I SEE HIM?

SHH! NO. HE'S STILL ASLEEP.

IT'S ALRIGHT, MOM. I'M UP.

HELLO, GEORGE. WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T?

YOU KNOW THAT LADY LECTURER ON THE 15th FLOOR-- LAURA DWIGHT?

MM-HMM. WHAT ABOUT HER?

THIS MORNING ABOUT 3:00, SHE THREW A BOTTLE OF GIN OUT AND HIT A TAXICAB.

WAS SHE SORE AT THE TAXICAB OR THE GIN?

THE GIN'S ALRIGHT. HER AIM WAS BAD.

SHE MISSED THE BOYFRIEND.

WHAT BOYFRIEND? I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.

THAT'S THE STORY, YOU DOPE. MAYBE I CAN FIND OUT.

YOU BETTER IF YOU WANT TO COLLECT.

[DOOR BUZZER]

OH, HELLO, FRANKIE. MOM, ENTERTAIN MR. WELLS, WILL YOU?

I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

YOU KNOW, I NEVER CAN GET USED TO ALVIN

ALWAYS GETTING UP IN THE DARK,

BUT THAT'S THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS.

ARE YOU A NEWSPAPERMAN, TOO, MR. WELLS?

WELL, I USED TO SELL THEM IN CHICAGO BEFORE PROHIBITION.

IS THAT SO? WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS NOW?

WHY, I'M A... A PROMOTER.

A PROMOTER?

YEAH, I, UH, YOU KNOW, PROMOTE.

LIKE A SCHOOLTEACHER, YOU MEAN?

WELL...YEAH.

I WISH YOU'D BEEN ALVIN'S TEACHER.

HE HAD SO MUCH TROUBLE THAT WAY.

IS THAT SO?

YES. HE WAS A GOOD BOY,

BUT THEY NEVER SEEMED TO WANT TO PROMOTE HIM.

SAY, I GOT A KID LIKE THAT.

YOU HAVE? WHY, I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID YOU WERE MARRIED.

ME? SURE. I GOT A WIFE AND 2 KIDS.

THE BOY--HE'S 9... I THINK. 9 OR 10.

AND MARIE--SHE'S 4.

MY, QUITE A FAMILY.

UH-HUH. A FAMILY'S A GREAT THING, ESPECIALLY FOR A MARRIED MAN.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

SURE. LOTS OF GUYS BUM AROUND AND THROW AWAY THEIR JACK.

ME--WHEN I GET THROUGH ME DAY'S WORK, I GO HOME.

THAT WAS JUST LIKE MR. ROBERTS, TOO.

THAT'S HIM UP THERE.

A GOOD MAN IF THERE EVER WAS ONE.

ONE OF NATURE'S NOBLEMEN, YOU MIGHT SAY.

YEAH?

EVEN WHEN HE WAS DRINKING THE MOST,

HE NEVER FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY.

HE'S, UH...

PASSED ON, I SUPPOSE.

YES. 10 YEARS AGO.

BUMPED OFF?

YES, OFF A LADDER.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS A PAINTER.

OH, THAT'S TOUGH.

WHY?

I MEAN ABOUT THE LADDER.

OH.

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW.

YES. DOESN'T IT?

IT CERTAINLY DOES.

DO YOU LIKE THE RADIO, MR. WELLS?

I CAN TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

THAT'S A NEW ONE-- A PRESENT FROM ALVIN.

OH, IT'S BEEN SUCH A COMFORT TO ME.

OH, I WONDER WHAT THE TIME IS.

MY GOODNESS! WE ALMOST MISSED IT.

MISSED WHAT?

THE BUNNY HARMON HOUR. IT'S ON RIGHT NOW.

Radio announcer: THE SHAPIRO SHOE HOUR,

BUNNY HARMON AND HIS GREEN MOUNTAIN BOYS IN PERSON,

BROUGHT TO YOU EVERY DAY AT THIS HOUR BY SHAPIRO,

MAKER OF THE FAMOUS SHAPIRO SHOES,

THE WORLD'S GREATEST $5.00 SHOE VALUE.

HERE THEY ARE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ BE SURE YOU SEE THE NAME SHAPIRO ON YOUR SHOE ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S THE RIGHT SHOE FOR THE RIGHT FOOT ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE LEFT FOOT, TOO ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL BE A HERO IF YOU WEAR SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

♪♪ WALKING ON AIR, FREE FROM ALL CARE ♪♪

♪♪ 10 BABY FINGERS MAY DO WHAT THEY CHOOSE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT 10 BABY TOES DEMAND SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

♪♪ SO TAKE A TIP FROM MOTHER, CHASE AWAY THOSE BLUES ♪♪

♪♪ AND WEAR SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

♪♪ OH, IT'S GOOD-BYE, BLUES, IF YOU CHOOSE ♪♪

♪♪ THOSE GENUINE SHAPIRO ♪♪

♪♪ THOSE GUARANTEED SHAPIRO ♪♪

♪♪ AMERICAN SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

DON'T YOU LIKE IT, MR. WELLS?

IT AIN'T BAD.

HOW ARE THE SHOES? ANY GOOD?

Radio announcer: MILLIONS HAVE ASKED THAT SOMEDAY THEY'LL HEAR THE VOICE

OF THE MAN WHO NOT ONLY GIVES THEM THE WORLD'S GREATEST $5.00 SHOE VALUE,

BUT WHO BROUGHT INTO THEIR HEARTS THE VOICE OF BUNNY HARMON.

TONIGHT, THAT MAN IS IN THE STUDIO AND HAS CONSENTED TO SPEAK TO YOU.

IT'S MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE AT THIS TIME THE PRESIDENT OF THE SHAPIRO SHOE COMPANY:

MR. MORRIS SHAPIRO.

[BAND PLAYS FANFARE]

HELLO, EVERYBODY!

AH, THAT'S SPLENDID.

IT WAS INDEED A PLEASURE.

THANK YOU, MR. SHAPIRO.

THAT WAS MR. SHAPIRO HIMSELF.

AND NOW BUNNY HARMON AND HIS GREEN MOUNTAIN BOYS WILL AGAIN ENTERTAIN YOU.

[ONE NOTE SOUNDS]

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ EACH NIGHT I GO TO BED ♪♪

♪♪ I LAY AWAKE AND SHED ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ YOUR MEMORY IS BRINGING ME ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

OH, ALVIN, WHAT MADE YOU TURN IT OFF?

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU? THAT GUY'S POISON TO ME.

BUT HE'S GOT SUCH A SWEET VOICE, ALVIN.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S THE SAME BUNNY HARMON?

SURE, I'M SURE.

HELLO, FRANKIE. HELLO.

I'VE BEEN HAVING A NICE VISIT WITH MR. WELLS.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE A VISIT WITH HIM MYSELF.

YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU? NO, OF COURSE NOT. HE'S SO NICE.

I WISH MORE OF YOUR FRIENDS WERE LIKE HIM, ALVIN.

GOOD-BYE, MR. WELLS.

Frankie: GOOD-BYE, MRS. ROBERTS.

GIVE MY LOVE TO THE CHILDREN.

[DOOR CLOSES]

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

GOBEL'S ON MY TAIL FOR NOT PUTTING THE WORKS ON YOU.

YOU CAME TO TELL THAT? I'M AFRAID HE MIGHT GET WISE.

WHO'S GONNA TELL HIM IF YOU DON'T?

NOBODY, I GUESS, BUT BE CAREFUL, WILL YOU?

CAREFUL? DID YOU EVER HEAR OF THE POWER OF THE PRESS?

WHAT IS IT? A MOVIE?

NO. IT'S EVEN MORE COCKEYED THAN THAT.

IT'S WHAT LETS BIRDS LIKE ME MAKE SUCKERS OUT OF BIRDS LIKE YOU AND GOBEL.

EVERYTHING JAKE AT THE CHATEAU HARMONY?

I GOT IT FIXED. NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

I GREASED THE HEAD CHEF, IT'S A PIE FOR YOU TO GET IN, I DON'T SEE WHY YOU WANNA.

LOOK, I GOT IT ALL DRAWN OUT. HERE'S THE ALLEY, SEE?

THIS IS THE DELIVERY DOOR BY THE KITCHEN.

EMIL--THE HEAD CHEF-- WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU AT 11:30 SHARP.

WHERE DO I GO FROM THERE? EMIL WILL PUT YOU WISE.

HE'S GONNA SNEAK YOU INTO A PRIVATE ROOM RESERVED FOR THE PRESS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

MR. ROBERTS, MISS DOROTHY LANE IN THE LOBBY.

UH...TELL HER I'M NOT IN.

I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S BEEN THERE FOR A WEEK.

TELL HIM I'VE GOT TO SEE HIM.

SHE SAYS IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

ALRIGHT. TELL HER TO WAIT, THEN.

GEE, I'M ROTTEN.

THERE'S A GIRL WAITING FOR ME WHO'S GOT PLENTY TO SEE ME ABOUT.

OF ALL THE DIRT I'VE SPILLED ABOUT PEOPLE, THIS IS ONE THING I WISH I HADN'T.

WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO? WHATEVER IT IS, I GOT IT COMING.

SAY, YOU DON'T THINK SHE MIGHT BE GONNA--

SHE MIGHT.

AS BAD AS THAT, HUH?

SHALL I THROW A SCARE INTO HER ON THE WAY OUT?

NO, NEVER MIND.

NO TROUBLE, YOU KNOW.

I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF! I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.

SAY, THE GUY THAT DODGED THAT GIN BOTTLE WAS ARTHUR Q. BROWNE.

THE LAWYER? RIGHT.

THAT MAKES 2 BUCKS I OWE YOU.

THANKS, MR. ROBERTS.

OH, SAY...

TELL THE CLERK TO WATCH THAT GIRL THAT'S WAITING FOR ME. TRY AND GET RID OF HER.

OH, TELL HER I'VE GONE OUT--ANYTHING!

O.K.

WHERE'S MR. WELLS?

HE'S GONE.

OH, HE'S SUCH A NICE MAN.

I GOTTA DRESS. WHAT TIME IS IT?

THE BUNNY HARMON HOUR.

YOU'RE JUST DYING TO GET BACK TO THAT RADIO

AND HEAR THAT PET CANARY CROON SOME MORE.

HA HA HA! YOU ARE, TOO.

ALRIGHT. I GOT TO TAKE MY SHOWER.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE WATER RUNNING, TURN HIM ON, BUT NOT TOO LOUD.

I WON'T. THAT'S A PROMISE?

MM-HMM.

HA HA HA!

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ I WASTED LOVING YOU ♪♪

♪♪ AND YOU KNOW I WAS TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ I CARED A LOT, WHAT HAVE I GOT? ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS... ♪♪

[DOOR BUZZER]

♪♪ ...THE ONLY THING I DIDN'T TRY ♪♪

♪♪ BUT I FOUND-- ♪♪

OH, GOOD EVENING, MISS STEVENS.

HELLO, MRS. ROBERTS. IS ALVIN UP?

YES. HE'S DRESSING IN THERE.

WELL, I'LL LEAVE THESE PROOFS FOR HIM.

CAN'T YOU STAY AWHILE?

NO, THANKS. I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WHAT WE PLAYFULLY CALL THE PAPER.

[DOOR BUZZER]

COME IN.

A MESSAGE FOR MR. ROBERTS. I'LL TAKE IT.

IT'S MARKED "IMPORTANT. CONFIDENTIAL. RUSH."

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING.

DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT FOR YOURSELF?

YES'M.

IT'S AMAZING. IT'S FROM THE STAR.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY WANT?

I'D OPEN IT AND FIND OUT, BUT IT SAYS "CONFIDENTIAL."

AIN'T YOU THAT KIND OF A SECRETARY?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE, BUT THIS HAS SEALING WAX.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT DOES.

DO YOU THINK ALVIN COULD COME OUT?

I DON'T KNOW. I'LL GO AND SEE.

[KNOCK KNOCK]

ALVIN?

YES, MOM?

THERE'S A LETTER OUT HERE THAT HAS SEALING WAX ON IT,

AND MISS STEVENS IS AFRAID TO OPEN IT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH IT?

IT HAS SEALING WAX, DEAR, AND IT SAYS THINGS ON THE OUTSIDE.

SAYS WHAT?

"CONFIDENTIAL" AND "RUSH." IT'S FROM THE STAR.

LET ME SEE IT.

WHAT IS THE STAR?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE PAPER THAT PRINTED THAT MEAN PIECE ABOUT HIM?

YES, BUT NOBODY READS IT. IT HASN'T ANY PICTURES IN IT.

THE STAR HAS MADE ME AN OFFER! THE STAR HAS MADE ME AN OFFER!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

LAST WEEK, THEY CALLED ME A NADIR. THIS WEEK, THEY OFFER ME A JOB.

NO! HONEST?

LOOK AT THAT, STEVIE. YOU REMEMBER THAT EDITORIAL--

"A STENCH IN THE NOSTRILS OF AMERICAN JOURNALISM"?

LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE DECIDED THE COLUMN DOESN'T SMELL AS BAD AS IT DID LAST WEEK.

[DOOR BUZZER]

SEE WHO IT IS. MAYBE ANOTHER OFFER. MIGHT BE FROM THE RECORD.

GOOD EVENING.

WHY, HELLO, LOUIE.

UH, MOM, THIS IS MR. MILLER. HE OWNS THE PAPER.

ALVIN'S PAPER?

YOU'D THINK IT WAS HIS, THE WAY HE ACTS.

MR. MILLER'S VERY FOND OF ME, BUT DOESN'T SHOW.

I'M IN NO MOOD FOR JOKES. DON'T YOU COME TO OFFICE ANYMORE?

I HAVE A BETTER PLACE TO GO.

YOU MEAN THE CHATEAU HARMONY. YOU CAN'T GO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHAPIRO THE SHOE MAN.

WILL TAKE OUT HIS ADS IF I DO.

HE SPENDS 75.000 A YEAR WITH US.

HE'LL KEEP ON SPENDING IT. HE WOULDN'T DARE GIVE UP THE EXPRESS.

WHY NOT? YOU GOT SOMETHING ON HIM?

NO, BUT ONLY AN EXPRESS READER WOULD WEAR HIS PUNK PAPER SHOES.

Mother: WHY, ALVIN ROBERTS.

THIS IS MY FOURTH PAIR.

SEE HOW LONG THEY LAST?

IF YOU GO THERE, IT BREAKS YOUR CONTRACT.

ARE YOU SURE? POSITIVELY.

WHY SHOULD I PAY YOU 500 A WEEK TO KNOCK ADS OUT OF MY PAPER?

YOU WOULDN'T THROW ME OUT. RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

ME WITH AN OLD MOTHER TO SUPPORT?

NOT SO OLD, ALVIN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THERE.

I MUST. I PROMISED MY PUBLIC, AND MY HONOR IS AT STAKE.

A FINE TIME TO BE GETTING HONOR. IF YOU GO TO THAT CLUB, WE'RE THROUGH.

YOU'VE FORCED ME TO REVEAL SOMETHING I'D HOPED TO KEEP FROM YOU,

SOMETHING STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL.

WHAT?

THE LETTER. STEVENS, SHOW HIM THE LETTER.

THEY SAID NO ONE MUST SEE IT. BUT HE'S A HARD MAN.

A HARD MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THIS?

TAKE IT, NOW THAT MY CONTRACT'S GONE.

IT ISN'T, I'LL HOLD YOU TO IT.

IT'S UP IN A MONTH. YOU'RE GOING TO THE STAR?

UNLESS YOU CAN MEET THEIR TERMS.

BUT 1.000 A WEEK-- HOW CAN I?

WITH MONEY. GIMME TIME TO THINK IT OVER.

CAN'T. GOT TO GIVE THEM AN ANSWER.

ALRIGHT, WE'LL PAY IT, YOU ROBBER.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT, LOUIE.

MOM, SEE HOW FOND HE IS OF ME?

THEN I CAN TEAR IT UP? NO. THAT'S MY TUESDAY COLUMN.

BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS CONFIDENTIAL.

A NADIR NEVER FORGETS. IT'S AN OLD ARABIAN CUSTOM:

A NADIR NEVER FORGETS.

WHAT WELL-KNOWN LAWYER IS FREQUENTLY SEEN

ENTERING THE PENTHOUSE APARTMENT OF A CERTAIN BLONDE

IN THE B.V.D. HOURS OF THE NIGHT? QUESTION MARK.

THE JOHN THOMAS COREYS OF PARK AVENUE

EXPECT 2 BLESSED EVENTS ON NEXT APRIL THE FIRST.

THE JOKE'S ON SOMEBODY!! EXCLAMATION POINTS.

WELL, DOROTHY, WHAT GOOD IS THIS GOING TO DO YOU?

PLENTY. FOR ONCE, I'M GOING TO GET A CLOSEUP

OF A 24-KARAT, 100% RAT.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD. I'VE MET PLENTY OF OTHERS,

BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY COMPLETE ONE I EVER BUMPED INTO.

I WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED.

WHAT DID YOU DO IT FOR? I COULDN'T HELP IT.

WOULDN'T HAVE PRINTED IF YOU HADN'T SHOWN UP.

WHY NOT? BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I LET YOU SPILL THE DOPE, THEN I COULDN'T KEEP IT OUT OF MY COLUMN.

IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE WHAT IT DID TO ME.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE DOGGONE COLUMN.

YOU GOT YOUR ITEM. MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT.

I WOULDN'T. ARE YOU UP AGAINST IT? HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHAT A SWELL JOB YOU DO WHEN YOU START SOMETHING.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

YOU'RE GONNA WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT.

THE MANAGER OF THE REVUE GOT HOLD OF AN EARLY EDITION

AND KICKED ME OUT THAT SAME NIGHT.

THE LANDLADY WHERE I LIVED SAID I'D BETTER GET OUT.

SHE WAS SORRY, BUT IT WAS BAD FOR THE HOUSE.

THEN MY MOTHER TELEGRAPHED FOR ME TO COME HOME.

I WIRED BACK IT WAS A LIE.

I JUST GOT A LETTER FROM HER.

SHE WANTS TO SEE ME, BUT HOW CAN I GO HOME LIKE THIS,

EVEN IF I HAD THE PRICE OF A TICKET?

WHAT ABOUT THE GUY WHO'S TAKING CARE OF YOU?

WHEN THIS THING BROKE, HE TOOK A RUN-OUT POWDER.

TELL ME WHO IT IS.

TRYING TO GET ANOTHER ITEM? I WOULDN'T TRUST YOU WITH IT ACROSS THE ROOM!

BESIDES, I'M GOING TO GET PLENTY EVEN

WITH THAT GUY IN ANOTHER WAY.

HE'S MARRIED, SEE? HE'S GOT A WIFE,

A FAT OLD WOMAN OVER IN JACKSON HEIGHTS. BELIEVES EVERYTHING HE TELLS.

SHE THINKS HE'S A CONTRACTOR, ALWAYS AWAY ON BUSINESS.

I'LL FIX HIM. WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

TELL HIM I WAS HERE AND TOLD YOU HIS NAME.

MAYBE HE WON'T BURN UP PLENTY THESE NEXT FEW MONTHS,

SCARED EVERY MORNING TO LOOK IN THE PAPER AND SCARED NOT TO.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE SOME MONEY.

NOT YOURS.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY? 50 A WEEK?

I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY.

HERE'S 100. SEND YOUR ADDRESS. YOU GET A CHECK FOR 50 EVERY WEEK.

[SOBBING] I DIDN'T KNOW!

AW, CUT IT OUT, NOW.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D...

OH, BRACE UP, DOROTHY.

GO TO THE COUNTRY TILL IT'S OVER. QUIT WORRYING.

WHEN YOU GET BACK, I'LL GET YOU A JOB.

YEAH? WHO'D HAVE ME?

PLENTY OF PLACES WANNA BE NICE TO ME. I'LL FIX IT UP.

YOU'LL FIX IT UP, WITH SOME MORE OF YOUR ROTTEN PUBLICITY.

I NEVER WANT MY NAME IN YOUR COLUMN AGAIN!

I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY! JUST LAY OFF ME.

LAY OFF ME!

[SOBBING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

I'VE BEEN PULLING YOUR FAVORITE STUNT-- EAVESDROPPING.

WHAT A THING TO DO TO HER. YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

YOU'RE SORE ABOUT IT, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO HER IF IT TAKES MY ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU RUIN HER REPUTATION. YOU GET HER THROWN OUT OF WORK.

BREAK HER MOTHER'S HEART. AND THINK YOU CAN SQUARE IT ALL BY GIVING HER MONEY.

IT'S JUST TOO LATE NOW. YOU BET IT'S TOO LATE

TOO LATE FOR A LOT OF THINGS, ESPECIALLY FOR ANY $50-A-WEEK NOBILITY.

THERE JUST ISN'T ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY, IS THERE?

BUT I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU IT WAS A MISTAKE.

OF COURSE IT WAS. THE WHOLE FILTHY COLUMN'S A MISTAKE,

BUT I CAN SEE YOU BEING DECENT ENOUGH TO GIVE IT UP.

YOU WOULDN'T ASK ME TO DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND-- NOT THE WAY I'VE WORKED TO PUT IT OVER.

NOT EVEN FOR YOU. YOU COULDN'T EXPECT ME TO.

OF COURSE NOT. IT'S GOT YOU.

YOU MUST GO ON EVEN IF IT WRECKS THE LIFE OF A DOROTHY LANE NOW AND THEN.

YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME. WHAT DID I EVER AMOUNT TO BEFORE?

JUST A PUNK KID IN THE AD DEPARTMENT. THEN I STARTED SOMETHING NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF

NOW-- 20 MILLION PEOPLE READING IT ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

ALL OTHER NEWSPAPERS TRYING TO COPY IT. IT'S GREAT. IT'S MINE. I MADE IT. NOBODY GETS THAT.

IT HAD TO COME TO A SHOWDOWN SOMETIME BETWEEN THE COLUMN AND ME.

YOU CAN'T GIVE UP THE COLUMN, SO THAT LETS ME OUT.

[PIANO PLAYING]

HELLO, ALVIN.

HELLO, GOBEL.

WELL, AIN'T YOU GOING TO SHAKE HANDS?

WHAT IS THERE TO SHAKE HANDS ABOUT?

CAN'T A GUY SQUARE HIMSELF?

YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO SQUARE ME.

NO. I'M ON THE LEVEL.

I DID YOU A DIRTY TRICK ONCE--

THAT NIGHT I COPPED OFF YOUR DAME AT THE SILVER SLIPPER. A GAG, BUT YOU TOOK IT SERIOUS.

ALRIGHT, I MADE A MISTAKE. THAT'S WHAT I COME OVER TO SAY.

YOU DID 2 DIRTY TRICKS, GOBEL.

WHAT ELSE?

SENDING UP THAT GORILLA OF YOURS: FRANKIE WELLS.

THAT WAS TO SCARE YOU A LITTLE.

DIDN'T WORK, DID IT?

I SHOULD SAY NOT.

YOU GOT NERVE. I GOT TO GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR THAT.

NEVER MIND THE FLOWERS. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO PRINT A THING LIKE THIS FOR?

PRINT WHAT, SAMMY?

"SYLVIA PIERSON'S NEW ORCHID SUPPLIER'S

A BIG-TIME RACKETEER, ONLY SHE DON'T KNOW IT."

THAT'S A ROTTEN THING TO PRINT.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT? SYLVIA'S A SWELL DISH.

I SAY YOU'RE COMING ACROSS WITH ORCHIDS. THAT MAKES YOU A BIG-TIMER.

IT'S A GREAT AD.

I DON'T WANT NO ADVERTISING THAT TIES ME UP WITH DAMES, SEE?

HEY, MAYBE IF I TOLD YOU A COUPLE OF THINGS,

YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.

MAYBE I WOULD.

YOU KNOW, I AIN'T SUCH A BAD EGG AS YOU THINK.

ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT ME IS THE RACKET.

ALRIGHT. THAT'S SOMETHING. THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.

OUT ON LONG ISLAND, I GOT A FAMILY, A WIFE AND A KID.

OUT THERE, I LIVE RESPECTABLE. MY KID GOES TO A FANCY SCHOOL.

NOBODY KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT WHAT I DO IN TOWN.

NOT EVEN YOUR WIFE, I GUESS.

I LIVE RESPECTABLE OUT THERE. YOU AIN'T GOT A FAMILY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO A GUY LIKE ME.

OUT THERE, EVERYBODY THINKS I'M IN THE CONTRACTING BUSINESS.

WHERE DID YOU SAY YOU LIVED? JACKSON HEIGHTS?

YEAH. JACKSON HEIGHTS.

DON'T WORRY, GOBEL. I WON'T PRINT IT.

YOU WON'T PRINT WHAT?

WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO STOP.

SO THE DIRTY LITTLE RAT DID TELL YOU.

I NEVER TELL ANYONE WHERE I GET MY INFORMATION.

YOU TRYING TO KID ME? MAYBE YOU AIN'T GOT NO ITEM.

NO?

MAYBE YOU'RE TRYING TO CHISEL ONE OUT OF ME.

WHY SHOULD I? I'M NOT GONNA PRINT IT.

TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT, AND I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU'RE RIGHT.

DON'T BE A SAP, GOBEL. WE'RE BOTH TALKING ABOUT DOROTHY LANE.

DON'T PRINT IT. I'D DO ANYTHING TO KEEP THE MISSIS FROM FINDING OUT.

I'M NOT GOING TO, I TELL YOU.

SURE?

SURE.

SHAKE HANDS ON IT? TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

I'M NOT USING IT-- FOR PERSONAL REASONS,

WHICH HAPPEN TO BE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS KNOW ABOUT IT, WON'T YOU?

SURE, I WILL. ALWAYS. AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IF YOU SEND ANY OF YOUR HOODLUMS AROUND TO ANNOY ME,

I'LL SPREAD YOUR NAME ALL OVER THIS CITY IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

IF YOU EVER PRINT THAT, SO HELP ME--

WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO PRINT?

I'M WRITING THIS COLUMN, AND NO GUY'S GIVING ME ORDERS, GET OUT.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD, KEEP YOUR DIRTY NOSE OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

GO ON. BLOW.

[HARMON SINGING ON RADIO] ♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ I WASTED LOVING YOU ♪♪

♪♪ YOU KNEW THAT I WAS TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ OH... ♪♪

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

OH!

HELLO, MRS. ROBERTS. GLAD TO SEE YOU.

CAME TO SEE IF YOU'LL GO TO A PICTURE WITH ME.

OH, I'D LOVE TO.

IT'S RUTH CHARLTON OPENING, THERE'LL BE LIGHTS AND EVERYTHING. YOU'LL LOVE IT.

I KNOW I WILL. IS ALVIN STILL HERE?

YES. HE'S IN THERE DRESSING TO GO TO THE OPENING OF THAT NIGHTCLUB.

I WISH YOU COULD PERSUADE HIM TO COME WITH US INSTEAD.

WHY?

IF ALVIN SHOWS UP AT THE CHATEAU HARMONY,

BUNNY HARMON WON'T STOP AT ANYTHING.

HELLO, GLAD.

GEE, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. WHAT BROUGHT YOU HERE TONIGHT?

I THOUGHT I'D TAKE YOUR MOTHER TO THE MOVIES.

OH, THAT'S SWELL. THEN WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN, HUH?

WHY DON'T YOU STAY AWAY FROM THAT NIGHTCLUB

AND COME ALONG WITH US?

WHAT? AND MISS MEETING THAT OLD PAL OF YOURS BUNNY HARMON?

OH, PLEASE DON'T GO. SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN, ALVIN.

WHOLE TOWN WOULD THINK I WAS YELLOW IF I DIDN'T. I GOTTA GO.

ALVIN, WHY DON'T YOU AND MR. HARMON MAKE UP?

HE CAN MAKE UP ALL HE WANTS TO. I'M GONNA STICK TO THAT HE-MAN STUFF.

LISTEN, ALVIN.

AFTER TONIGHT, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO GIVE UP THAT COLUMN?

SURE.

PROMISE?

AFTER TONIGHT, I'M ABSOLUTELY THROUGH WITH THAT COLUMN.

HERE I GO-- OFF TO THE RACES.

SO LONG, MOM.

ALVIN'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU, GLADYS.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

I NEVER SAW HIM KISS ANY OTHER GIRL.

NO?

NEVER HEARD HIM TALK ABOUT OTHER GIRLS EITHER. HE TALKS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.

IT WOULD DO ALVIN A LOT OF GOOD IF HE SETTLED DOWN WITH SOME NICE, SENSIBLE GIRL.

HE DOESN'T TAKE HALF CARE OF HIMSELF.

I TALK AND TALK, BUT HE DOESN'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO ME.

WELL, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO. HADN'T WE BETTER GET GOING?

OH, YES. YES. I'LL GET MY HAT. I WON'T BE A MINUTE.

WHERE'S AL? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHERE IS HE?

HE WENT TO KEEP A DATE WITH BUNNY HARMON FOR THAT NIGHTCLUB OPENING.

YOU GOTTA STOP HIM! THEY'RE FIXING TO BUMP HIM OFF!

WHO IS? GOBEL. TELL HIM I SAID GOBEL.

DON'T LET HIM GET THERE. I GOTTA GO.

WAIT! WAIT. I'LL GO WITH YOU.

Mrs. Roberts: GLADYS, I'M ALL READY.

WHY, IT'S MR. WELLS.

I'VE TO GO WITH HIM. WE CAN'T GO TO THE PICTURE.

IS ANYTHING THE MATTER?

NOT A THING, BUT THEY WANT ME OVER AT THE OFFICE.

WAIT HERE. I'LL CALL YOU SOON AS I CAN.

COME ON.

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

♪♪ WELL, I'M MAKING HAY IN THE MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IN MY LITTLE BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

♪♪ A HARVEST FOR TWO ♪♪

♪♪ IS BOUND TO COME TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ SOMEDAY I'LL SAY ♪♪

♪♪ IT LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE A SWEET HONEYMOON TIME ♪♪

♪♪ WITH ITS WONDERFUL CHARM ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'M MAKING HAY IN THE MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IN MY BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

♪♪ WELL, I'M MAKING HAY IN THAT MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ AND I'M HERE IN MY BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

♪♪ A LITTLE HARVEST FOR TWO ♪♪

♪♪ IS BOUND TO COME TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ SOMEDAY I'LL SAY ♪♪

♪♪ IT LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE A SWEET HONEYMOON TIME ♪♪

♪♪ WITH ITS WONDERFUL CHARM ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'M MAKING HAY IN THE MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IN MY BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU ALL. THANK YOU.

HELLO, BOYS! HELLO!

HA HA HA! WELL, HOW IS EVERYTHING?

MR. RILEY THE DEMON PRESS AGENT.

THAT'S ME. WHAT ARE THE PHONES FOR?

BULLETINS. EVERYBODY IN TOWN IS HERE TONIGHT.

I'LL BET YOU THIS OPENING MAKES THE FRONT PAGE OF EVERY PAPER IN TOWN.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH YOU. YOU'VE STILL GOT THOSE CHICAGO IDEAS.

SAY, YOU DON'T THINK A NIGHTCLUB OPENING IS HOT NEWS, DO YOU?

OF COURSE, IF ALVIN ROBERTS SHOWS UP, THAT'S A STORY.

IF HE DOESN'T AFTER SAYING HE WOULD, THAT'S ONE, TOO.

NOT FOR MY PAPER.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

EVERYTHING O.K.? YES. YES.

NOW, YOU GO OUT THERE TO THE MEZZANINE STEPS.

YOU GO UP THE STEPS,

AND RIGHT AWAY TO YOUR RIGHT IS THE PRESSROOM.

BUT PLEASE, MR. ROBERTS, BE CAREFUL.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.

MR. ROBERTS, YOU WILL PROTECT ME, HMM?

I NEVER SAW YOU BEFORE IN ALL MY LIFE.

DRIVER, GO A LITTLE FASTER, PLEASE.

THINK ROBERTS WILL SHOW UP?

IF HE DON'T, HE'S GOT A GOOD ALIBI.

IF HE DOES, HE'LL GET THROWN OUT ON HIS EARDRUMS.

I GOT 10 STRONG GUYS TO DO IT.

WHY 10? YOU CAN GET THEM CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN.

DO WE'VE TO STAY HERE, OR CAN'T WE GO DOWNSTAIRS, MINGLE WITH THE WHITE FOLKS?

ANYTHING YOU WANT. I GOT A RINGSIDE TABLE RESERVED FOR YOU,

OR STAY HERE WITH ALL THE REFRESHMENTS.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL REAL THOUGHTFUL.

WHY DON'T YOU FELLAS TANK UP?

NO, THANKS. I'M NOT DRINKING.

COOPER? NO, NO.

SAY, WHAT IS THIS? A GAG?

NO. HE'S DOING IT FOR THE WIFE AND KIDNEYS.

HOW ABOUT YOU, BOLDT?

LATER. I WANNA SEE HOW FLINT TURNS OUT.

YOU FELLOWS DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT STUFF. IT'S BEEN ANALYZED.

I'VE SEEN A LOT OF STUFF THAT'S BEEN ANALYZED I WOULDN'T WANNA DRINK.

BUT THIS STUFF'S O.K., RIGHT OFF THE BOAT.

YEAH. BEEN SCRAPED OFF.

YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST BUNCH OF REPORTERS I EVER SAW.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA DRINK, SUPPOSE I TAKE YOU DOWNSTAIRS TO SEE BUNNY?

WE'LL DRINK. NO, NO. I MEAN IT, FELLAS.

WHAT DO WE WANT TO SEE BUNNY FOR?

WELL, HE'S EXPECTING YOU. YOU KNOW, PRETEND YOU'RE INTERVIEWING HIM.

ASK HIM ABOUT SEX APPEAL BY TELEVISION.

BY TELEVISION?

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW IT WILL NEVER PROVE A POPULAR METHOD.

WE'LL BE DOWN LATER. WE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

ALRIGHT. SUIT YOURSELVES.

I GOT TO KEEP A LOOKOUT FOR ROBERTS. GOT TO CIRCULATE.

ORDER ANYTHING YOU WANT, BOYS. IT'S ON THE HOUSE. SO LONG.

HI, BOYS. HOW'S EVERYTHING?

HI, BUNNY.

SAY, WHERE'S THAT GUY ROBERTS?

HE WON'T SHOW UP. IF HE DOES, HE WON'T GET IN.

YEAH? YOU WANT TO BET ON IT? WELL, IF I DID, YOU'D LOSE.

AS I LIVE AND BREATHE, ANOTHER JOURNALIST.

WHO IS IT? THE HOME GAZETTE NEWS?

WHY, IF IT ISN'T THE KID HIMSELF. HOW DID YOU GET IN?

I CAN'T REMEMBER. WHAT A WONDERFUL DISGUISE.

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THE CHEATERS, I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN.

ARE YOU GOING TO PULL SOMETHING TONIGHT?

JUST STICK AROUND AND FIND OUT. LOOK OUT. HERE'S RILEY.

Riley: HELLO, BOYS. HELLO.

HAVING A GOOD TIME? HEY, WHO'S THIS GUY?

OH, JUST ANOTHER REPORTER.

YEAH? YEAH.

I BEG YOUR PARDON. I'M BUNNY HARMON'S PRESS AGENT.

MR. OX, I WANT YOU TO KNOW MR. RILEY.

HOW DO YOU DO? I DIDN'T GET THE NAME.

OX OF THE GAZETTE. YOU KNOW-- OX OF THE GAZETTE.

OH, SURE. I KNOW. DO YOU WANT TO GO DOWNSTAIRS AND MEET MR. HARMON?

NOT RIGHT NOW, IF YOU PLEASE. I MUST GET THESE THINGS IN FOR MY FIRST EDITION.

THESE GENTLEMEN HAVE BEEN GIVING ME MY INFORMATION.

AND DON'T FORGET TO SAY THAT ALVIN ROBERTS DIDN'T GET IN.

ROBERTS?

YOU KNOW--THAT LOW-DOWN DIRT-SLINGER ON THE EXPRESS.

OH, A TABLOID WRITER. DEAR, DEAR.

A STENCH IN THE NOSTRILS OF AMERICAN JOURNALISM.

JUST A MINUTE, OX. I'M ON A TABLOID, REMEMBER?

I'M SORRY, MR. MOXLEY. NO OFFENSE MEANT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE ON THE GAZETTE, YOU NEEDN'T HIGH-HAT THE REST OF US.

HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING. YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS.

HE CAN SHOOT OFF ALL HE LIKES ABOUT ROBERTS, BUT LEAVE THE REST OF US OUT OF IT.

I APOLOGIZE, MR. MOXLEY.

THERE. YOU SEE? THAT STRAIGHTENS EVERYTHING OUT.

COME ON, FELLAS. LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

HOW ABOUT YOU, MR. OX? WILL YOU HAVE A DRINK?

NOT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE,

I GUESS I'M THE ONLY ONE. COME ON. WE'RE GONNA START THE FIREWORKS.

WELL, LET'S GET THIS THING OVER. COME ON, SCRIBES.

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE BULLRING.

THERE'S GOBEL AND HIS GANG SITTING OVER THERE.

ROBERTS IS TAKING AN AWFUL CHANCE COMING HERE TONIGHT.

HE'S BEEN THROWN OUT OF BETTER PLACES THAN THIS.

HE TOLD ME TO KEEP MY DIRTY NOSE OUT OF HIS BUSINESS.

HE TOLD THAT TO ME.

SAY, WHY DON'T YOU FELLAS CIRCULATE, SEE IF HE'S AROUND SOMEWHERE?

O.K.

AND BE CAREFUL.

THIS IS ONE TIME I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS.

PRESS.

O.K., MADAM.

WHERE'S THE PRESSROOM? MEZZANINE FLOOR, UPSTAIRS.

[APPLAUSE]

WAIT A MINUTE. I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'M SURE MOST OF YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S A CERTAIN SO-CALLED COLUMNIST

WHO HAS BOASTED THAT HE WOULD APPEAR HERE, APPEAR HERE THIS EVENING,

IN SPITE OF THE MEASURES TAKEN TO PREVENT HIM.

YOU KNOW, OUR PURPOSE IN REFUSING THIS PERSON ADMISSION

WAS TO TRY AND PROTECT OUR PATRONS

FROM THE PRYING EYES AND EARS OF THIS SCANDALMONGER

AND TO SEE IF WE COULDN'T PROVIDE ONE SPOT IN THIS CITY

WHERE THEY MIGHT FEEL SAFE FROM HIS UNWELCOME ATTENTIONS.

[APPLAUSE]

AL, YOU'RE IN TERRIBLE DANGER. GOBEL'S PLANNING TO GET YOU.

OH, NOBODY'S GOING TO GET ME.

FRANKIE WELLS SAID HE WAS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAID.

PLEASE, COME ON! YOU THINK IT'S BUNNY HARMON. WELL, IT ISN'T.

ARE YOU TRYING TO SPOIL ALL THIS? I'M GOING DOWN.

I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT OUR EFFORTS HAVE PROVED SUCCESSFUL.

IN THE PRESENCE OF SO MANY DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,

ALLOW ME TO CALL ATTENTION TO ONE CONSPICUOUS ABSENTEE.

WHERE IS THIS PUBLIC NUISANCE WHO ANNOUNCED HE WOULD BE HERE

IN SPITE OF ANYTHING WE COULD DO TO KEEP HIM OUT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I ASK YOU, WHERE IS ALVIN ROBERTS?

DON'T WORRY, FOLKS. HE WON'T BE HERE. SO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THE PLACE IS YOURS. YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME--

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE

MR. ALVIN ROBERTS HIMSELF IN PERSON AS ADVERTISED.

[LAUGHTER]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

HELLO? HELLO? OPERATOR?

THIS IS THE CHATEAU HARMONY. SEND AN AMBULANCE QUICK.

INFORMATION, THIS IS ALVIN ROBERTS' MOTHER.

GIVE ME THE NUMBER OF CHATEAU HARMONY-- QUICK, PLEASE!

[EVERYONE TALKING]

COME ON! BACK UP!

COME ON. GIVE HIM AIR.

COME ON!

[SIREN]

PENNSYLVANIA 6-4000.

DRY DOCK, 4-9800.

HELLO, CITY EDITOR. GIVE ME THE CITY DESK.

THIS IS BOLDT. THIS IS DICK COOPER.

THERE WAS SHOOTING JUST NOW.

THERE'S BEEN A SHOOTING UP AT BUNNY HARMON'S NIGHTCLUB.

HAVEN'T GOT THE DETAILS. IT LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT ALVIN ROBERTS.

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE. WHO SAYS?

WHO ARE YOU? I'M THE GUY THEY SHOT AT.

THEN WHO'S HE? HE'S THE GUY THEY HIT.

LET ME UP!

YOU'D BETTER LAY STILL.

I'M ALRIGHT, I TELL YOU!

ARE YOU O.K., MOX? GUESS SO. I CAN STILL BREATHE.

HOW IS HE, DOC? JUST A FLESH WOUND, NOT SERIOUS.

I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM THAT. YOU'RE LUCKY, MOX.

THEY MISSED YOU AND GOT ME. ROTTEN MARKSMANSHIP, I CALL IT.

ANOTHER VICTIM. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

SOMEBODY HIT ME WITH A BOTTLE. IT'S AN ILL WIND.

YOU DIRTY SNEAK-- YOU STARTED ALL THIS TROUBLE.

I'VE BEEN LAYING OFF A LONG TIME ABOUT YOU AND THAT BLONDE.

I WAS ONLY CARRYING OUT ORDERS.

READ MY COLUMN DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

DON'T PRINT ABOUT THAT, I'LL GIVE YOU A TIP ABOUT HARMON.

WHAT? HARMON'S NOT HIS NAME.

HIS RIGHT NAME IS BUNN--B-U-N-N. HERMAN BUNN.

[EVERYONE] HERMAN BUNN?

HE TURNED THAT AROUND TO MAKE BUNNY HARMON.

HE COMES FROM TIDIOUTE, PENNSYLVANIA. I KNOW HIS FAMILY.

YOU GUYS LAY OFF. THAT'S MINE.

WHO IS THIS BLONDE IN HIS LIFE?

HOW DO I KNOW? WHO'S YOURS? EVERY MAN'S GOT ONE.

WHERE'S THE GUY THIS FELLOW PLUGGED?

HE'S THERE. I NEVER DID. YOU FRAMED ME.

THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO SAY I FRAMED YOU.

IT'S HARMON'S DIRTY WORK, TO KEEP ME OUT OF HIS NIGHTCLUB.

OH, YEAH? WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

SO YOU COULDN'T EVEN HIT THE RIGHT GUY?

COME ON. GET OUT OF HERE.

HELLO, BILL. WHO'S THE VICTIM? GEORGE MOXLEY, REPORTER.

WELL, DARNED IF IT AIN'T. HELLO, GEORGE.

HELLO, JIM.

YOU WOULD PICK ON A FRIEND OF MINE, WOULDN'T YOU?

DO YOU RECOGNIZE HIM?

I WON'T IF YOU KEEP THAT UP.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

LOUIE DEMARCO--ONE OF SAM GOBEL'S BOYS.

COME ON.

AND GET THIS.

ROBERTS, WHEN INTERVIEWED AFTER THE SHOOTING, EXONERATED HARMON

AND LAID THE ENTIRE BLAME ON SAM GOBEL,

WHOM, HE SAID, VISITED HIM EARLIER IN THE WEEK AND MADE THREATS AS TO WHAT--HUH?

YEAH. BE SURE AND MENTION MY NAME.

THAT GUY GOBEL-- AFTER ME PROMISING TO LAY OFF THE DOROTHY LANE STORY?

IF IT WASN'T FOR HER, I'D DRAG THAT RAT FROM ONE END TO ANOTHER.

YOU CAN'T. SOMEDAY I'LL GET SOMETHING.

THEN YOU'LL SEE A COLUMN.

BUT YOU PROMISED TO GIVE IT UP.

GIVE WHAT UP? THE COLUMN.

WHEN DID I?

JUST BEFORE YOU WENT OUT. DIDN'T HE, MRS. ROBERTS?

GIVE UP THE COLUMN AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

MY FIRST HUNCH WAS RIGHT. YOU NEVER MEANT IT.

I PROMISED, HUH? YOU KNOW YOU DID.

BUT, GLAD, IF I DO, HOW AM I GOING TO GET EVEN WITH GOBEL?

SAM GOBEL JUST GOT PLUGGED IN FRONT OF THE CHATEAU HARMONY.

SAM GOBEL-- HE'S DEADER THAN A DOORNAIL.

THEY GOT HIM, HUH? RIGHT THROUGH THE BELLY.

JUST MY LUCK. WOULDN'T A GUY LIKE GOBEL GET HIMSELF SHOT BEFORE I CAN GET HIM?

YOU DID IT, HUH? SURE.

WHY?

I JUST TALKED TO HIM, HE SAID IT WASN'T HIS.

WELL, NOW IT WON'T BE HIS. GIVE ME THAT.

YOU DIDN'T DO IT, KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT. GET OUT OF TOWN TILL I TELL YOU TO COME BACK.

WHAT'S THE USE? I GOT HIM. NOW LET THEM GET ME.

THEY MUSTN'T. WE'LL GET HER OUT.

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.

NO. THIS IS ONE THING I'M IN ON.

JUST A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE HERE. COME ON.

WHAT FOR? DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW.

I SUPPOSE SHE WAS HERE WHEN GOBEL WAS SHOT.

SURE, SHE WAS.

THAT'S FUNNY. I SAW HER DO IT, DIDN'T I?

DON'T SAY A THING TO ANYBODY EXCEPT A LAWYER.

I'LL GET CLARENCE DARROW IN THE MORNING.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS. YOU GOT TO CARE.

I'LL GET YOU OUT OF IT. A JOB LIKE THIS, SHE OUGHT TO GET THE KEY TO THE CITY.

I AIN'T SAYING SHE OUGHTN'T, BUT I CAN'T GIVE IT TO HER.

GOOD-BYE, KID. YOU'LL BE ALRIGHT.

I GOT IT.

COLUMBUS 2-2000. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

GET HER OFF. THE COLUMN GOT HER INTO THIS MESS, IT'S GONNA GET HER OUT OF IT.

HOW? SPILLING THE DIRT ABOUT GOBEL.

YOU STILL WANNA BE ON IT? SURE.

THAT-A GIRL. GIVE ME MISS STEVENS, PLEASE.

WHEN I GET THROUGH, I'LL BET NO JURY IN THE WORLD WOULD INDICT HER.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

HELLO, STEVENS? YOU READY? GOOD.

PUT THIS RIGHT AT THE TOP.

DOROTHY LANE, WHO PULLED A FRANKIE AND JOHNNY

AT THE CHATEAU HARMONY LAST NIGHT, HAD PLENTY OF REASON TO SHOOT.

THE VERY LATE SAM GOBEL WAS HER MAN, AND HE DONE HER WRONG.

WATCH TOMORROW'S COLUMN FOR THE LOWDOWN

ON WHY SHE CAN NEVER BE CONVICTED.

AND GET THIS, STEVIE.

THE ALVIN GLADYS PRICE ROBERTSES,

WHO ARE TO BE MARRIED AT CITY HALL THIS MORNING,

ANTICIPATE A BLESSED EVENT.

ALVIN!

NO KIDDING! WHEN?

DASH, DASH, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.