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Uno, dos...

1, 2...

Tres, cua tro...

Hey!

Wooly bully!

Watch it now. Watch it.

? Here it comes, here it comes ?

Watch it now. It'll get you.

? Mattie told hattie ?

? About a thang she saw ?

? Had two big arms ?

? And a wooly jaw ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

Yeah. That's right.

In this world, there are two kinds of animals--

The hunters and the hunted.

I was always in season.

? Hattie told Mattie ?

? Let's don't take no chance ?

? Let's not be l-7 ?

? Come and learn to dance ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

Watch it now. Watch it. Watch it. Watch it.

? Hey ?

? Drive, drive, drive ?

Everybody has a bull y

Lurking somewhere in their past,

A kid whose ambition in life

Was to make your waking hours a living nightmare.

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ??

My bully's name was Rosco Bigger,

But everybody called him fang.

Hiya, Davy.

Thought you were pretty funny this morning, didn't you?

W-what do you mean?

The spelling bee.

Miss Fitz Simmons let you pick the words,

And you gave me u.s.s.r.,

And everybody laughed when I got it wrong.

Hey, I make the same mistake myself.

Is it two ss or one?

Grr!

You're upset. I can see that,

But delay my beating until Thursday.

I've got class pictures tomorrow.

My mom will kill me if I'm scuffed up again.

Say ''cheese.''

Cheese.

I grew up in hastings, Minnesota,

A small river town on the Mississippi.

My friends were more than just buddies.

We were a band of victims

Who watched each other's back.

Ulf was an odd kid,

Primarily concerned with explosions

And setting things on fire.

Cool.

Gerry's father owned a butcher shop on main street.

[Whistling]

To his family, vegetarian was a four-letter word.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

One day in class,

Gerry was asked how many different food groups there were.

His answer was two--

Meat and everything else.

Alan was the only black kid that we'd ever seen.

But any racial differences were soon dismissed

When he proved he could shove his whole fist into his mouth.

It was something even Gerry couldn't do.

[Gerry] hey, Davy, look who's coming.

Victoria was by far the most beautiful girl in the school.

She may have been 10,

But she was built like a 12-year-old.

Hi, Victoria. Hi, Victoria.

Hi, boys.

Wow. Wow.

Did you see that?

See what?

The way she was looking at you.

Yeah. She wants it.

Wants what?

Hey, did you hear?

Hear what?

The moon rock's coming.

What?

Here?

Yep. Next week.

They're sending guards and stuff.

If you try and touch it--

Bang! They'll shoot you on sight.

Aw, bullshit.

Whoa.

Death rock by David Leary.

Chapter 1.

Everyone in town had come to see the rock

Till there was only one old man left.

The old man limped up to the moon rock

'Cause he had a cane or something.

He reached out to touch the rock when...

Freeze! Freeze! Freeze!

''Don't touch that moon rock.''

But the old man was deaf or something.''

I'm deaf or something.

And so he reached out with his wrinkled hand

And...

Bam bam bam bam bam!

You'd better be sleeping!

I am.

I knew that one day I would leave this place,

And I would become a real writer.

I must have had hundreds of toys throughout my childhood,

But one was special above all the others.

I'd save my allowance for three months

To buy the Evel Knievel action figure.

It was an additional four months

Before I could afford the super cycle,

But it was worth it.

Evel was daring, cool, fearless.

In short, he was everything that I wasn't.

Evel Knievel's a pussy.

One day you'll be sorry you ever did that.

Funny, I don't feel sorry.

Well, one day you will.

Chicken.

Pork roast!

When you're a marked man,

You appreciate the value of a good hiding place,

And so I spent the better part of my childhood

Sitting in the cave at Vermillion falls.

There were stories about the cave

That all the kids knew, stories about some kid,

Usually a friend's cousin's neighbor,

Who went past the red rock and never returned.

I figured they were probably just stories,

But why risk it?

A-t-

O-m-

I-c.

Uh-oh.

Atomic drop.

Incoming!

Hey, Davy...

Want to know how the polar bear died?

Tell me.

? Teacher, teacher ?

? Floatin' down the delaware ?

? Chewin' on her underwear ?

? Couldn't afford another pair ?

? 10 Days later, eaten by a polar bear ?

? That's how the polar bear died ??

[Bell rings]

Drink your juice yet?

No. Why?

Peed in it.

Yuck.

My dad knows a guy who knows a guy

Who works for NASA,

And he says, ''if you look straight at the moon rock,

You'll go blind.''

Aw, bullshit.

You think the moon rock will burn?

O.k., Rosco, that's enough.

Don't spoil it for the others.

Son, you're holding up the line.

Come on.

That's it?

Nice rock.

Move it, smart ass.

What a gyp.

Did that little rock really come all the way from the moon?

That's what they tell me.

Could i...

Touch it?

I, uh...

Think that could be arranged.

What's going on?

Hey, the cops are here!

Wow! You're kidding! It's gone?

Yeah. Did you hear what happened?

Somebody hocked the moon rock!

Everybody fan out!

Seal the exits!

Find that rock!

[Crack]

Whoa.

David.

David, come on in here, son.

Sit down. We're having a family meeting.

Oh, great.

Yeah. Well, um...

Son, I know how hard it is

To up and move to a new home

And a new school--

We're moving?

Now, David.

Well, uh, yeah.

The company's transferred me

Out to the west coast branch and--

David!

It's all right.

He's going to be fine.

Yeah! This is so great!

What?

I hear you've been looking for a moon rock.

Hey, David, where you been?

Come on. We got a long way to go here.

October 30, 1970.

It was the biggest day of my life.

Good heavens.

What's happened over at the Biggers?

Hey, isn't that a friend of yours, David?

Nope.

I was leaving the nightmare

That was Hastings, Minnesota,

For a new home on the West Coast,

A place filled with hope,

A place of new beginnings.

A place without violence or fear,

A place called...

Oakland.

You got Stephen King's new book?

I don't work here.

Then why are you sitting there?

I'm a writer.

I'm signing copies of my book.

Oh, an author.

What's it about?

Well, it's about a man who loses his family

And finds himself in the process.

It's about choices,

About how small decisions in our lives

Can change them forever.

No.

I'm more of a Stephen King fan myself.

[Speaking Korean]

I--i--i don't speak, uh...

Um...

Stephen King.

Uh, aisle 23...

Fantasy and horror.

[Speaking Korean]

Yeah.

Do you guys have that, like, new--

Stephen king?

Yeah.

Aisle 23.

Cool.

Hey, what's this?

That's my book. I'm a writer.

That's you.

What's it about?

It's about a guy who loses his family

And...

Uh, a guy loses his family.

Oh.

It's--it's a book.

He loses his family, huh?

Mm-hmm.

What happened to them?

They're murdered one night.

Murdered?

How?

You ever seen one of those electric wood chippers?

No way.

Killer shreds their body parts,

Buries them in the backyard.

Awesome.

What he doesn't know...

The backyard is on top

Of one of those old ancient indian burial grounds.

So the body parts, they come back to life,

Go after the killer.

Wow.

It's like pet sematary.

Right. It's exactly like pet sematary,

But a little different.

Huh.

Sign it, dude.

All right.

Heh heh.

What's your name?

Nigel.

Hey, Nigel.

Mr. Leary, telephone.

Could you take a message for me?

The school wants you to pick up your son.

Bye, Ben.

Later.

I don't want you hanging around with those kids.

They're my friends.

Those aren't friends.

They're future stars of America 's most wanted.

Hastings?

''Dear mr. Leary,

''Congratulations on your most recent novel.

''We realize ho w busy your schedule must be,

''But we'd be honored

''If you'd return to hastings middle school

''To teach a creative writing class

''For the fall semester.

''It would be a thrill for students and faculty.

''After all, you are the town hero.

''We would be happy

''To arrange a transfer of your son's transcripts

''So he may enjoy the benefits

Of our excellent school system. ''

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says,

''Bartender, give me a beer.''

Bartender says, ''sorry, pal,

We don't serve food here.''

He's a ham sandwich. He is food.

You can't serve him.

More of a logic problem than a joke, really.

Want to play I spy?

No.

Want to listen to the radio?

No.

Want to count dead bugs on the windshield?

No.

Being the new kid in town

Isn't such a bad deal.

Nobody knows you.

You can totally reinvent yourself.

It's kind of a fresh start...

For both of us.

Those kids are going to be a bunch of gomers.

Minnesota's a very hip place to live.

Right.

I'm serious. Prince lives there.

Well, he does.

Is he still called prince?

He changed his name, right?

He dropped his name. You can do that,

Come up with a sign like prince has,

Be the kid formerly known as Ben.

Just come up with a good logo.

I'll call you...logo.

Dad, when you said we could reinvent ourselves,

I didn't know you meant as the Cleavers.

Start unpacking, Beav.

Pack this, ward.

Hey, I heard that.

David.

Yeah?

Hi. We're your new neighbors.

Heard you might be coming in today.

I'm Art Lundstrom, and this is my wife Betty.

That's me. I'm Betty.

Dad, there's no cable.

We'll get cable.

Come meet the new neighbors.

Well, hello, there.

Hey, name's art,

And this here's my wife Betty.

That's me. I'm Betty.

I'm art.

Which one's Betty again?

Me. Right here.

Oh.

We're going to start unpacking.

Weatherman says there's a 70% chance of showers tomorrow.

So don't forget your umbrella.

Thanks for the warning.

The three-day outlook

Says there's only a slight chance of rain till midweek.

There's a storm front moving in.

We don't need cable.

The weather channel lives next door.

I notice your deck out back is peeling.

I've got cans of stain in the garage

If you want to refinish.

I'll keep that in mind.

If you do, put on extra coats.

Otherwise, the moisture is going to seep into that wood

And rot it from inside.

O.k., Well, thanks a lot.

You betcha.

Are they gone?

I hear the sunfish are biting down at lake Rebecca,

But not on red worms!

Cornmeal!

Have I mentioned

How friendly the people are in this town?

[Sighs]

I hate this house.

Great. Just as I planned.

I want to go home.

Well, you are home.

Until when?

Until I say so.

No wonder mom left.

Now, wait a second.

That is not fair.

[Door closes]

Don't you fret, David.

He just needs to get acclimated.

He needs to get involved in some extracurricular activities.

Like band.

Oh, hey, I've still got my old tuba in the attic

If he'd like to give it a whirl.

David?

Come on, Ben!

It's the first day. I don't want to be late.

Come on, Ben!

Let's go!

Have a nice day!

Thanks, dad.

Morning, neighbor!

Morning, art.

I'll bet you're wondering

Why in the Sam Hill

Am I chopping wood when the weather is so pleasant.

Not really.

You know who Sam Hill was?

No, I don't.

Well, he wasn't anyone.

It's a euphemism.

Cockney expression for ''what the hell?''

[Cockney accent] what the 'ell?

What the 'ell?

Then it turned into...

What the Sam Hill?

I'll see you later, art.

You'll be here later, right?

What the 'ell?

Ms. Rumpert?

I'm David Leary.

I was a student here once.

I've always wanted to tell you

What a big impact this library had on my life.

It was the first place

That really taught me the importance of reading, of books.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that.

Green eggs and ham.

Excuse me?

Green eggs and ham.

That's right.

That was my favorite book.

How did you remember that?

It's 8,862 days overdue.

You're serious.

It's what I live for, dear.

I'm mr. Leary,

And this is creative writing 202.

Yes?

I have to urinate.

We just got started.

Why didn't you go before class?

I'm bladder shy.

I can't go with some guy standing next to me

Like a barnyard animal at a feed trough.

I need privacy.

All right. I understand.

O.k., I want everybody to take out a sheet of paper.

Is this a pop quiz?

I can't do it. I'm terrible at pop quizzes.

Hey, relax. This isn't a pop quiz.

It's not?

No. Tell me a story.

It can be a paragraph.

It can be a whole page, whatever you want.

You're the author. You decide.

I don't know how.

Everybody knows how to tell a story.

Not me.

Haven't you ever lied before?

No.

Well, maybe.

Well, sometimes we lie

So that we don't get into trouble,

Like, ''who broke that lamp?''

''I didn't break the lamp.''

''Oh, yeah? How did it get broken?''

''A meteor came flying through the window

And smashed into it.''

[Laughter]

Sometimes we lie to make somebody feel good.

''You know, aunt Silvia,

Your tuna casserole is fantastic.''

And sometimes we lie,

Well, just because we're bored.

So we make up a story to entertain our friends.

That's all writing really is.

So writing is just lying?

Well, kind of.

I promise you, you can tell me anything,

And you won't get in trouble.

Go on. Lie to me.

Bastards tell me the class is boring.

Hell, I know it.

I'd like to see them

Talk about the nucleus of a cell every day,

5 Days a week for 14 years.

It'll get easier, really.

The first day is always the worst.

Ha ha ha!

Welcome back, David.

David wrote a book..

I know.

Nice to have you here.

Thanks a lot.

Congratulations on your new book.

It's great to actually be in the teachers' lounge.

I'd wondered what teachers did in here.

Now I know--smoke.

[Coughing]

David?

Victoria?

I heard you were back in town.

What are you doing here?

Sex...

Ed--uh...

Sex edu-edu-education.

You teach sex.

Mm-hmm.

Great.

I read your book.

Oh, you're the one.

And as he placed his hand on the door,

He whispered in a voice so soft

Only his ghost could hear,

''I'm still alive.''

Well, I better go.

I'm going to be late for class.

Promise we'll catch up later?

Yeah. You can count on it.

Then I will.

Bye.

Whoa.

I need a cigarette.

No. It was-- I'm kidding.

Hey! Ugh!

Sorry. Oh.

Fight! Come on.

Fight! Fight!

Yes means no, and no means yes.

You want me to hit you?

No.

O.k.

Ow!

Try again. Want me to hit you?

Uh...

Yes?

O.k.

Ow!

You said, ''yes means no and no means yes.''

That was last time.

That's enough, boys.

Sorry I'm late.

What?

No. Uh, nothing.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, sir.

Dennis!

David.

Whatever. This is Haas, our shop teacher.

It's Ross,

And it's industrial education.

Whatever.

Ross is the father of, uh...

Kirby.

Whatever.

Hi, Kirby.

Hi.

Kirby's the boy your son was fighting with.

Very sorry about this.

I assure you this will not happen again.

Will it, Ben?

Who can predict the future?

I can.

I'm really sorry about this.

Oh, that's o.k.

Ben seems like a nice enough kid.

Well, he can be.

Lately, I feel like Gregory peck in the omen.

Huh?

So you teach shop, huh?

Yeah. Intro to woodworking and advanced metals.

That must be interesting.

Oh, it is. One time we were making key chains,

And I cut my thumb off.

I wrapped it in cellophane

And drove to the hospital,

But there was a line.

I went to the hardware store for needle and thread

And stitched it up myself.

You sewed on your own thumb?

I'm good at stuff like that.

You can't move it much,

But you can still do a few things with it.

Boy, I'm glad, too,

'Cause they say the opposable thumb

Is what separates man from other animals.

It's good for hitchhiking.

Huh?

You know.

Oh, yeah.

Unless, of course, you've got a really nice set of legs.

Oh. Ho ho! Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, I didn't get your name back there.

My name's Rosco Bigger, but you can call me...

F-f-f--

Ross.

David.

David...

David.

David.

[Alarm sounds]

Fire...

Drill.

Here you go. One at a time.

[Siren]

Come on. Wait your turn.

Get back in line.

You kids stay out of the street, all right?

Davy?

Ulf?

Davy, I heard you were back in town.

It's good to see you.

It's good to be back.

Don't expect everything to be the same here.

Town's changed a lot since you left.

Really? How?

Well, we got a new Wal-mart.

Hi, David.

Hi, Ulf.

Hi, Victoria. Hi, Victoria.

Wow.

She just hasn't been the same since I dropped her.

You guys dated?

No. I mean I dropped her.

There was a fire at her apartment.

I was carrying her and dropped her.

Never mind.

She's looking at you.

Did you see how she was looking at you?

Gerry and I are meeting at Alan's bar tonight.

Drop by. We'll toss back a few with the boys.

Alan's got his own bar?

Right next to the methodist church.

See you at 7:00?

Sounds good.

Hey, kids, want to see me light my arm on fire?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[Ulf] come on!

[Bell rings] all right.

Ready?

Mr. Leary?

Yeah, Kirby?

You can go back in now. It's safe.

So be very careful when tracing your pattern onto the wood.

O.k., Who did that?

If I find out who did that, I'll--

You'll what?

Well, we'll just see.

Ahem.

O.k., Let's talk about sanding our bookends.

Hey, David.

Welcome back.

Today, we're talking to people who marry their pets.

What makes these pets more special than people, Elena?

My turtle loves me in ways

That my husband never could.

They communicate very well.

We have long talks way into the middle of the night.

He never talks back.

Many people have problems with relationships,

But marrying a pet...

Have you unpacked your books yet?

No.

Let me know

If you find green eggs and ham.

O.k.

Watching a ballgame, have a cana beer.

He can open one without spilling it.

Fang.

[Country Music Plays]

Whoo!

Bless you, my son.

Hey, look! Dave!

Ah! There he is!

I told you he looked the same.

I don't believe it.

Great place.

Cindy, could we get another round?

And bring Davy a...

A corona with a lime, please.

[Record scratches]

A Schmidt with a bratwurst.

Sit down here, mr. Author--

Mr. Famous author.

Come on.

Tell us about California.

Pretty dry out there, huh?

Lot of brush fires, I'll bet.

First things first.

Come on, Alan. Do it.

Oh, hell, I haven't done that for years.

You can't do it anymore?

No. It's gone. It's history.

All right.

The wrist, my friend, the wrist.

Oh, Alan.

He did it!

Ooh!

Don't talk with your mouth full.

Do any of you guys remember fang?

Ross?

Shop teacher.

Sure.

Remember what he was like when we were kids,

Used to bully me around?

Oh, man, he nailed you!

I've been down that road myself.

Everybody's been picked on.

It's part of growing up.

Yeah. That was a long time ago.

Besides, we've all grown up since then.

Fang changed after they sent him away.

I forget what he was like.

They sent him away?

Reform school.

Remember the moon rock?

Remember the moon rock was stolen?

Fang stole it.

They sent him to reform school for three years.

When he came back, he was a different person.

Reform school's another way of saying, ''prison for kids.''

And the Rochester reformatory

Was the worst of the bunch.

They shut that down.

[Alan] they had to after that 60 minutes story.

What did they call it?

Pee-wee prison.

When he got out, things normalized, right?

His parents must have--

Skipped town. Just picked up and left.

Then they sent him to an orphanage.

At least that's what we know.

Nobody knows what happened after that

'Cause he never talked about it to anybody.

Kids are cruel,

But nobody, nobody deserved what fang got.

God, it's good to see you.

Cindy, get that bratwurst over here!

Ooh! Ooh! Ow!

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Hey, hey!

What did I say about throwing water balloons in the house?

Where you been?

I was working at the shop, making you a cabinet.

Check.

I don't know how we get by on your salary.

Have you asked about that raise?

Honey, i--

Barbara Clark's husband

Has already had a promotion

And two raises.

He's only been here three years.

I know. Honey--

Quit honeying me. You're making my eyes ache!

What?

There's a sale on power sanders

Down at the lumber station.

We can't afford it! Where's the kid?

I'll leave you here, I swear.

Good.

Hear the way your kid talks to me?

Hey, son,that's no way to speak to your mother.

Shut up!

Hi, son.

Hi.

What you doing?

Homework for mr. Leary's class.

Oh, yeah? Which one's he?

You know, the new teacher.

Can I see it?

You wouldn't understand it.

Mr. Leary?

Davy.

Hi.

Hiya.

What is this?

Uh, it's hot dish.

What's hot dish?

Well, a couple of days ago we had lasagna,

And then it turns into spaghetti.

When it's finally unrecognizable,

They turn it into...

Hot dish.

Did you see that?

What?

That guy flicked a pea at me.

Who?

The shop teacher.

There!

What?

He did it again.

Are you on medication or something?

The guy's flicking peas at me.

I don't believe it.

Would I make this up?

How should I know? I don't even know you.

You're making me very nervous.

See if he does it again.

How do you know it's even him?

It could be a conspiracy.

Maybe there's a second gunman.

Very funny.

O.k., So I'm David Leary.

You want to hit me? I'm an adult now.

If you got something to say, say it.

Otherwise quit following me.

You dropped your pen.

Thanks.

Hey.

Welcome back, Davy.

Back in an hour.

Where are you going?

The park.

But it's dark out.

Yeah. That's what happens at night.

You think it's safe?

Dad, I don't think

There's too many drive-bys in Mayberry.

You staying in?

Yeah.

You o.k.?

Yeah, of course I'm o.k.

I don't feel like going out.

You don't always feel like going out, do you?

No.

I just want to stay in...

For a while.

I gotcha!

Ah-choo!

Hi, Clark.

Aah!

Unh!

Hi, mr. Leary.

Atomic wedgie?

I'm afraid so.

Ben?

Uh-huh.

You o.k.?

Yeah.

I'll walk you home.

Is this your street?

Yeah. It's the big one at the end. See ya.

Hey, Kirby.

Yeah?

You shouldn't let Ben pick on you.

I know. I know.

I should stand up for myself, be a man.

Are you kidding?

If you stood up to Ben, you'd get creamed.

That's right!

Know what I did with my bully?

I gave him an allowance to leave me alone.

50 Cents a week.

If that didn't work, I'd throw him off the trail.

How?

Never go right back to your locker after class.

Zig-zag. If he can't find you,

He can't touch you.

What else?

Well, there's always b.o.

Bo--what?

Body odor.

You stop showering. You lose the deodorant.

If the smell gets really, really bad,

No bully in the world will come near you.

You didn't date much

When you were a kid, did you?

Want to come in?

No.

See ya.

? Teacher, teacher, floatin' down the delaware ?

? Chewin' on her underwear ?

? Couldn't afford another pair ?

? 10 Days later eaten by a polar bear ??

That's how the polar bear died.

I knew you wouldn't forget.

Where you going, Davy?

It's David.

Where you going, Davy?

David. I'm not a little kid.

How come you act like one?

I'm not! Am so!

Whoever acts silly gets a wet willy!

Ow!

Here I come!

I'm right behind you, buddy!

[Whistling teacher, teacher]

Aah! Aah!

Clark--

Get away from me.

Clark!

I can explain!

What?

More peas?

David.

I've been looking all over for you.

Where you been hiding?

Who said I was hiding?

Well, it's just an expression.

Oh.

Right.

Well, listen, I've got something I want to ask you.

You do?

The school's putting on a Sadie Hawkins dance.

I'm going to be one of the Chaperones.

I was wondering, want to go with me?

You're asking me to a Sadie Hawkins dance?

It's o.k. To say no.

Don't worry about hurting my feelings.

Victoria, I've wanted to since I was 9.

You have?

Yeah.

Things kept coming up, like fourth grade.

You grew 2 inches, started dating sixth graders.

It's hard to compete with that.

I'm pretty sure I've stopped growing by now.

Um, it's a western theme.

They want everybody to dress up, so...

I think I can find something.

O.k. 7:00 O.k.?

All right. See ya.

What a day I'm having.

Dad, I'm begging you.

Please don't go out in public dressed like that.

Victoria says everybody's going to be dressed like this.

Who's Victoria?

Ms. Tucker.

You've got a date with the sex teacher?

Oh, yeah.

Cool. How'd you manage that?

I paid her.

Yeah, right.

Lose the hat.

? Who do you think you are? ?

? Ooh ooh ooh ooh ?

? Who do you think you are? ?

? You ain't all that ?

? Ohh ohh ohh ?

? Ooh ooh ooh ooh... ?

Hi, Kirby.

Hi, mr. Leary.

Is Ben here?

Yeah, I think so.

See ya.

? Let me show you what I know ?

? And you'll be snowing on the ooze ?

? With your attitude ?

? You think you're cool, don't even try it ?

? You know that I will buy it... ??

Hi.

Hi.

You look fabulous.

You don't look too bad yourself.

Yeah, well, thank you, ma'am.

Oh, well...

Shall we?

Sure.

Seen him?

Nah. The little turd's probably hiding somewhere.

Hey, is that your dad?

Yeah.

Check it out.

He's got his arm around ms. Tucker.

Cool.

? Trying to be so good ?

? She turned and sang ?

? You... ??

Oh, come on!

She actually knew how many days it was overdue?

I'm telling you, the woman's obsessed.

What were the late charges?

At 5 cents a day,

Green eggs and ham will cost me $6,886...

And 10 cents.

So what about you?

Oh, I watch my due date.

You know what I mean.

Tell me about your life here in hastings.

Hmm. Well, do you remember Jack Prescott?

A grade ahead of us.

Football player.

We were pretty hot and heavy

All through high school.

Everybody thought we'd get married,

Including myself.

So what happened?

He went to the u of m

On a football scholarship.

Fell in love with somebody else.

Let me guess. Cheerleader?

Wide receiver.

Oh.

We're still friends, though.

They have a bed and breakfast over in Stillwater.

And since then?

You've had other relationships.

Oh, sure.

No prince charming, no mr. Right.

You got to keep hoping, right?

He'll come along.

I'm here, aren't i?

Come on.

Let's get some punch.

? One step, two step, three step, four ?

? Hope all you're doin' ?

? That you really want to leave me ?

? I'd tell you that I love you ?

? But I don't think you'll believe me ?

? I never meant to give you any wrong idea ?

? Besides you can't believe everything you hear... ?

Hi, Victoria.

Hi, Ross. Thanks again for volunteering on such short notice.

I wouldn't have missed it.

Hi, Davy.

Oh, thank you.

You bet.

Well, drink up.

No!

David!

I'm sorry.

What...

Oh, god.

What are you-- what--what...

Hey.

Ow!

Whoa! Your dad's a spaz, man.

[Victoria] David, what has gotten into you?

He might've done something to the punch.

Like what?

He used to spit into my 2% milk.

He peed in my apple juice.

He was a little boy.

Exactly. That's what kids do, not adults.

But try telling him that.

Ben! I'll be right back.

Ben!

Leave me alone.

Ben, wait.

You reinvented yourself, all right.

Now you're an even bigger dork

Than you were back in Oakland.

I didn't really like this dress much anyway.

I'm so sorry.

Just spilled all over me.

? It ain't no thin' but a freak show ??

Hey, smart thinking about the punch.

What do you want?

I don't know. What do you got?

You don't want to play?

I don't want to play.

What's the matter?

Nothin'. You just ruined my date.

She's not right for you anyway.

Not right for me?

She'd get in the way.

In the way of what?

You and me.

I haven't felt this good since I was 10.

You gave me my life back, Davy.

That can't be too good for your rims, buddy!

Hey, Ben.

Where you going?

Bus station.

Going to go live with mom.

Good idea.

Just one problem.

We don't know where your mother is.

I'll find her.

Anything's better than living with you.

Do me a favor, will you?

If you find her,

Tell her she was right.

I screwed up,

But I did the best I could.

Maybe if you told her yourself, she'd come back.

Ben, your mother and I are divorced.

We're never getting back together.

We were never ever meant to be together.

It was a mistake?

Best mistake I ever made.

Come on.

What about the car?

That can't be good for the rims.

[Children shouting]

For them, a vow of chastity

Was a promise they just couldn't keep.

Call girl nuns, a nasty habit.

Out of my way!

I'm trying to watch tv!

Welcome back, everyone!

Watch WWF!

Hey!

Daddy's home!

Kyle, untie your brother now

And get up to bed!

Bobby, get a bucket of hot, soapy water.

Wash that wall and go to bed!

Tommy, come over here!

Eat your vegetables right now

Or you'll eat broccoli the rest of your life!

Then go to bed!

Faith, now, you're my wife.

Tomorrow I'm getting up early

And going to buy myself a brand new power sander!

We can't afford it.

We can! We'll just cut out some extras around here!

Like facials, manicures, cigarettes, and tab!

And another thing, honey!

I think we watch a little too much tv.

And you!

Yeah?

Actually, you're pretty good.

Rosco.

Yeah?

Take me.

Aah! Rosco, the kids.

All right, kids, get out of the house!

Let's go!

Me and mommy are going to take a nap!

Good morning, students.

Before we begin this morning,

We'll review safety rules of the workshop.

There's going to be some changes in this class.

I am your teacher.

I believe building things with your hands

Is an important skill to learn.

Whether you agree or not, I don't care.

When you're in my class,

You'll do what I say, when I say it.

Ooh, I'm scared.

Stookie, come on up here.

This is a big classroom.

Maybe you didn't hear me clearly.

I heard you. What're you going to do?

Stookie, I'd like to introduce you

To a little friend of mine--

Mr. Grinder!

Now, Stookie can attest

Coming face to face with a dangerous power tool

Without safety gear can be horrifying.

Sir?

Speak up, buddy. I can't hear you.

I'd like to apologize...

He'd like to apologize...

For my earlier behavior.

I'm ready to learn safety rules of the workshop.

I am so proud of you, buddy.

Are there any other questions?

What?

Uh, is this going to be on the test, sir?

Aah!

Come on!

Ben, we got him, Ben.

Get him, Ben.

Come on. Get it over with.

What?

I've got no real chance of defending myself,

So let's get this over with.

[Stookie] come on, Ben, let's go.

Get him.

Take him out.

Shut up, asswipe.

What's your problem, man?

I thought you'd pound me for sure.

You feeling o.k.?

My parents are divorced.

I wish my parents would get divorced.

Whoa!

Ha! Oh!

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I was expecting David.

Oh. You o.k.?

You might want to go to the nurse

In case you've got a little swelling

Back here.

All right.

Could you get me the test booklet from the--

Get it yourself, David.

Oh, ow!

Have a nice trip?

You're going to get it, pal!

What're you going to do?

Oh, you tattletale.

You big narc.

It's my phone.

Your name's not on it.

Ow! Sissy fighter!

Ha ha! Ow!

Ha!

This is David Leary.

I need to see principal Kokelar right now!

Missing something, buddy

I may have been your flunky before, fang...

But not anymore.

Ha ha!

Dad?

Mr. Leary?

Dad?

Mr. Bigger?

Gotcha!

Holy cow!

Holy shit!

Chicken!

Pork roast!

Yes!

In your face.

So you say

He hounds you for no apparent reason?

That he chases you down the street screaming your name?

That one of our own teachers

Is behaving like some high-strung fourth grader?

But why?

Crack.

David Leary's got to be on crack.

[Knock on door]

I'm sorry to interrupt, sir,

But I need to talk with you right away.

I want to talk to you about fang-- Rosco bigger.

Yes?

I've been having problems with him.

What kind of problems?

He's been picking on me.

Picking on you?

Mm-hmm.

And how does he pick on you?

How?

Specifically.

It's hard to say exactly.

Try.

Start at the beginning.

Yeah, at the beginning.

Well, he shot peas at me at lunch.

Peas?

Uh-huh.

How many peas?

Three.

I see.

And you're certain he's the pea shooter?

I don't have proof exactly, but...

Yes.

Dennis.

David.

Whatever.

Mr. Bigger's been teaching here for over 13 years.

If he's had any problem at all,

It's been that he's too passive.

He's changed.

I think he's changed because of me.

That's another story, isn't it?

Huh?

We invited you back to hastings middle school

To set an example for the students.

If half the stories I've heard

About your erratic behavior are true,

I'm afraid this has been something of a bust.

I'm putting you on probation.

If I don't see marked improvement on your part,

We'll find a substitute to finish the semester.

But I'm the town hero.

Hey.

Hi.

What you doing?

Writing a poem.

O.k. I'll leave you alone.

Dad?

Yep?

I'd like you to hear it.

Really?

Yeah. It's called

I once had a friend.

That's a good name for a poem, son.

''I once had a friend

''Who was new to my school.

''I once had a friend

''That the kids thought was cruel.

''I once had a friend

''Who stole my bag lunch.

''I once had a friend

''Who was quick to the punch.

''I once had a friend

''Who'd laugh when I'd fall.

''I once had a friend

Who was no friend at all.''

That's a good poem, son.

That's not a very good friend, is it?

No, it isn't.

[Knock on door]

Hey, David.

We've got to talk, Ross.

O.k.

This has got to stop.

You want to go to the monkey bars instead?

You know what I mean.

You've got to stop this.

The principal's got me on probation.

My kid's disowned me.

Victoria thinks I'm some nut case.

You may have gotten your life back,

But you've taken mine away.

O.k. Maybe I got a little carried away.

A little?

A lot. It's not all my fault.

Then whose is it?

You bring it on yourself.

That's ridiculous.

Deep down inside you're still just a scared little kid.

You're wrong, Ross.

Am i?

Tell me one time in your life

You stood up for yourself,

Didn't chicken out.

I turned you in when you stole the moon rock.

You don't have the guts to do that.

I did it, Ross.

And I enjoyed it.

Big mistake!

[Sniffing]

I smell a rat.

Welcome to hell!

I'll be your tour guide.

You ever been to hell, Davy?

I have!

Except they didn't call it that!

They called it the Rochester reformatory.

You ever heard of that place?

It's where they send murderers

Who are too young to go to prison!

I bunked with a kid who set his mom on fire

Because she vacuumed during lost in space.

And when those junior psychos asked

What I was in there for,

I had to say I was there

Because I stole a freaking rock!

Clearly you're upset, and I don't blame you.

It was a rotten thing for me to do.

Why not just beat me up?

How about a little fire, scarecrow?

Ugh!

I hope that hurts.

Damn.

Looks like he's outsmarted me again.

Oh.

Hey, buddy!

How you doing up there, huh?

It's good to see ya!

Got a little surprise for you up there!

Whoo!

Here it comes, buddy boy!

Hee hee!

Is it warm in here or is it just you?

Ha!

You little weasel.

[Thunder]

[Thunder]

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Hey, Kirby.

Yeah?

It's Ben.

Is your dad home?

No. Is yours?

Uh-uh. You thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

Hey, Kirby.

Yeah?

Want to come over?

I got to stop.

I'll be all right here.

I got to go to the police.

Aah!

Aah!

It's just you and me, Davy.

Like the good old days.

They weren't so good.

They were for me!

Are you crazy?

You went past the red rock!

[Scree]

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

My foot!

Damn!

Whoa!

Am I supposed to be scared of driftwood?

How come you ain't running?

I've been running away from you my whole life!

I'm through running!

At least you had a life.

You ruined mine.

You ruined mine first!

You were my friend and you betrayed me!

You thought me were friends?

You beat me up, you humiliated me.

I'm 35 years old.

I still have nightmares about fourth grade!

That's not what friends are supposed to do for each other.

A friend makes you feel good about yourself.

Really? Then you're the best friend I ever had!

Davy!

Open up, you idiots, I'm a murderer!

Ulf.

What are you doing here?

I did it.

I stood up to fang.

Good for you.

I killed him.

You really let him have it, huh?

We were on top of Vermillion Falls.

I hit him and he went over. He's dead!

Get in the truck.

I got to confess to these guys.

Get in the truck.

Jeez, Davy, what were you thinking?

I'll spend the rest of my life in jail.

Stop talking like that.

Let's get our heads together.

I'll drop you at home,

And you're going to get some sleep.

I'll go back to old mill park

And look for the body.

Lay low until I call you.

Don't draw any attention to yourself.

I'll take care of the evidence.

Evening, neighbor.

Aah!

Don't you sleep, art?

Midnight is actually the best time for lawn care.

See, the sunshine causes the grass

And shrubbery to bend in a way that makes lawn care,

Mowing and pruning--

Art.

What's wrong, David?

I've done something really terrible.

You killed the shop teacher.

How do you know that?

Well, it's just-- it's just logical.

Everybody in town knows

That you two had a twisted relationship.

They do?

It's a small town, David.

People talk.

You don't think I'm a murderer, do you?

Oh, well, David, now that's hard for me to say.

The only person who can say

If you're a murderer or not is you.

See, your perceptions of tonight's events

Creates your own individual reality.

In the end, it just--

It's about semantics, isn't it?

I remember the first time I tried to kill Betty.

What?

Oh, let me finish.

You tried to kill Betty.

Let me finish. Oh, I see.

I see, mr. High and Mighty.

Hey, I didn't kill the shop teacher.

Who killed the shop teacher?

Shh, shh.

You killed the shop teacher.

You killed him.

Dad.

Where have you been?

Out.

What happened to you?

Hi, mr. Leary.

Aah!

Is it o.k. If Kirby sleeps over?

Have you seen my dad around?

Good night.

Good night.

No thing I am doing is wrong. There's no thing wrong.

[Fang] you're the best friend I ever had--

Best friend I ever had-- friend I ever had--ever had.

You're alive.

You're dead.

Wow. You got a nice bathroom.

What are you going to do, style my hair?

Listen, can I take a shower?

Yaaaaah!

Dad.

What?

You boys are having a sleep over?

Is that o.k.?

Yeah.

Me and Ben made up.

Can't you guys do the same?

Come on, Ben. Connie is on.

Cool.

Can I ask you something?

Why did you steal the moon rock?

You'll laugh.

No, I won't.

I stole the moon rock

Because I wanted to be an astronaut.

I'm so stupid.

A guy like me could never be something great like that.

You did all right.

Oh, yeah, I did great, didn't i?

No. I'm serious.

You got a--you got a terrific kid out there.

That I do.

Hey.

Yeah?

You chipped your tooth.

Fang's gone.

I believe that all things happen for a reason.

In a way, meeting back up with my bully

Was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Hey, dad.

I'd closed a chapter in my life,

And with the semester coming to an end,

It was time to move on.

Well, it's the last one.

Are you o.k.?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Wow.

Would you return this for me?

I'll reimburse you for the late charges.

I'll make you a deal.

You can pay me back when I come to New York.

I'll call you as soon as I get there.

You better.

Dave.

Aah!

A going-away present.

You didn't have to do this, Ross.

I found it at the flea market.

It's just like your old one,

Before I tore his head off

And threw him in the river.

Thanks.

Hi, mr. Bigger.

Hey, Ben.

What you got?

Ross got me a present.

It's an Evel Knievel doll.

Who's that?

The original drummer of Guns n' Roses.

Oh.

Tell Kirby I'll call him when we get to New York.

Well, this is it.

Yeah, yeah, uh,

Anyway, I hope you like it and everything.

I got to go. Got stuff to do.

Listen, Ross, if you're ever in New York,

Look us up.

Really?

Yeah.

No w I can look to wards the future.

A future full of hope,

A future full of new beginnings,

A future without violence or fear,

A future without fang.

[Faith] so, you're sure we're invited, right, honey?

Dad, are we really going to New York?

That's why they call 'em mobile homes, son.

Because they're mobile.

Right, kids?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

? Hey ?

? Wooly bully ?

Watch it now. Watch it.

? Here he comes, here he comes ?

Watch it now. He'll get ya.

? Mattie told Hattie ?

? About a thang she saw ?

? Had two big horns ?

? And a wooly jaw ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

Yeah, drive.

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Hattie told Mattie ?

? Let's don't take no chance ?

? Let's not be l-7 ?

? Come and learn to dance ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

? Wooly bully ?

Watch it now, watch it, watch it, watch it.

? You got it, you got it ??