Original subtitles

A chair.

And something more amazing...

Another chair!

Not a big deal?

They are identical.

Once upon a time,

every object was made individually, by hand,

which means each one looked unique. Horrible.

Luckily, we now have Western manufacturing

which means we can now have two identical copies.

Or a dozen.

Oh my goodness. What is that?

Am I looking in a mirror?

- That's my chair voice. - Father?

May we?

Oh. Right, right. The alderman's only son's getting married.

Now, where were we?

I pronounce you man and wife.

I'm the one who pronounces.

Please do.

- I now pronounce you... - Married already.

Father, I'm serious. A priest has to do it.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I said it first.

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

- Congratulations! - Here's to the newlyweds!

Ah, you'll see, Bogdan. They'll be over the moon

when I present them with this old flail.

I'm sure they will.

I used it on the groom when he was little. It's very sentimental.

Make way for my wedding gift!

Oh my goodness. It's so shiny.

He made a fortune trading with the bourgeoisie.

Your new plow.

Is that your gift to the newlyweds? Huh, Jan Paweł?

This?

No, of course not.

- Mm. It's my contribution. - Yes. This is Bogdan's.

A-ha...

- In that case... - It's beautiful.

...what did you give this lovely young couple?

Uh... Uh... I left it at home.

Because it's too heavy to move.

What is it, my lord?

I got you...

...what you've always dreamed of, Bartosz.

I think I'm about to realize that Bartosz is an entitled son of a gun.

My first house!

If the city approves the plans.

Gentlemen!

Today, I can only promise you hell.

Blood, sweat and tears.

What you see out there today, you will never be able to unsee.

If history should repeat itself,

some of you will not live to see tomorrow's dawn.

Keep in mind one word.

Victory!

Without it, our people cannot survive.

I thought we were only supposed to wait tables.

Yes.

At a Polish wedding!

Zofia, I believe someone has switched the place cards.

We seem to be sitting with the backstabbing merchant

and his wife.

Oh, I'd forgotten that we'd met before.

Zofia, you look gorgeous without your bonnet. Jan Paweł.

You have some nerve showing up here, Ciesław.

You cost me a fortune.

- A fortune? - By going into business with my nemesis.

I offered to go into business with you first, Jan Paweł,

but you just don't listen.

Talk all you want, I'm still not going to listen.

And how is your finger, Rozalia? Healing well?

How could it be healing? You butchered it!

Mm.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

I'm sorry. You know how it is at weddings.

No worries. It could happen to anyone.

Let's go... not this way.

Yeah.

Hey there.

Is this Adamczycha?

Depends who wants to know. If you're Polish,

yeah.

If you're German,

no way.

Lithuanian...

Okay.

- Hungarian... - I'm Polish. From Sandomierz.

What brings you all the way down to our village?

REWARD BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION

I'm Father Viper. Crown investigator.

I've been assigned to investigate the disappearance

and possible murder of a noble.

The punishment could be death or the rack.

Or, in case it's a priest,

transfer to a godforsaken parish.

Mother?

Maybe the Ryczynskis have some news about Stanisław.

Did you ask if they've heard anything?

Rozalia?

Could we have a moment in private?

Ah... Yes. Of course, Zofia.

- We only want news about my brother... - This matter calls for discretion.

Jan Paweł! We have a problem.

I don't wanna hear about your problems.

Andrzej, you and I need to talk.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait your turn. I really need to talk to Jan Paweł.

Jakub, come!

You and I need to talk.

Andrzej!

What I have to say to you can't wait!

Yeah. Really good talk, everyone.

This is for the nobles' tables. And this is for peasants.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!

You with the noble's tables, come back quickly for more!

Hey. You wanna swap sections?

Hell yeah, bro.

Calm down.

- If we panic, then we're all screwed. - Father!

We're not safe here.

To the dance floor. Come on!

We knew someone would come looking.

That's why we came up with a contingency plan.

- We picked up the skull fragments. - Yah!

Threw them in the slop.

- Yah! - Moved the body.

- Yah! - And paid off witnesses.

Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!

But we couldn't guess

that they'd send Father Viper from Sandomierz.

Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!

- Why'd you have to kill that guy? - You killed him first, you traitor.

- Yah! - We could kill Viper, Dad.

No. That's enough blood.

Anyway, murdering a priest is a major no-no.

And yet, my God gave us free will.

I'll handle the sinful business, Dad.

Yah!

You guys just get your stories straight.

I'll have Jakub keep an eye on this guy.

He can even try to throw Father Viper off the scent.

- I don't know if Jakub can handle it. - Andrzej! We really...

- We really need to talk. - All right.

I'll take you to the chapel in a moment. It's beautiful.

We can recite the rosary. Maybe drink some wine.

Thank you, Jakub.

Although I never drink on the job, which, as I said,

is to find out what happened to Henryk Lubopolski.

Well, I won't keep you as you'll want to arrive in Stara Wieś

before dawn, so you can question the villagers.

I do confessions there quite often. They're a very sinful bunch.

Peasant!

Yes?

Have you seen an elegant, young magnate's son here in recent weeks?

Tall, skinny, idiot with purple curls?

The fancy shoes made him look taller, no?

He did like a good heel.

Nah.

Never saw him.

Thank you.

Good evening, my lady.

My name is Maciej, and I will be your server tonight.

Blacksmithing skills and five-star service.

Mm, I do love a Renaissance guy.

Good to know.

Should there be anything else you need, let me know.

I do need something.

A drinking buddy.

Everything's under control.

There's absolutely nothing to be worried about.

I just need to pack

a trunk or two,

in the unlikely event...

...that we do need to worry,

and absolutely nothing

is under control.

Zofia! Start packing!

It's not what you think.

Come on, we're in a rush.

You'll just have to nap with your friend later.

The crown investigator's here.

- The Viper? Why is he here? - Why do you think?

Because of the idiot. The one we...

Pow!

You shot Henryk Lubopolski?

How did you know?

Zofia talked me right off the edge.

She reminded me that we can outsmart this Father Viper.

After all, people lie to each other all the time.

I thought he'd see through us right away, that he'd be as hard to fool as I am.

It's pretty hard to pull the wool over my eyes.

Jan Paweł.

I found out about something.

- I'm not talking to you. - Good call, darling.

It's about my estate.

Why don't you go chat over a beer?

So the kielbasa vanished from the table, you say?

Yes. Last winter. Can you help us solve this mystery, Father?

Show of hands.

Who is standing here before us with their petty problems to solve,

and wants me to solve them?

Hm. How many saw the missing idiot, and know what happened to him?

I know.

I know where you can find the royal idiot.

Hold on. Would you say it again, so I know I heard right?

King Wiśniowiecki suddenly enacted a law

that resulted in the confiscation

of noblemens' assets invested in bourgeois businesses.

It's mainly to protect class divisions.

And it just so happens

that I invested all my savings in his business,

and now I've lost everything.

I don't understand what's so complicated that I need to explain it three times!

I think he just wanted to hear it one more time.

I need you to help me out on this one.

I need you to buy my half of Adamczycha.

This is, by far, the happiest day of my life!

Father! Father! Viper found the nobleman's son!

Say what?

Viper found the nobleman's son!

However, it could all be downhill from here.

Father Viper!

We can explain the thing about the nobleman's son.

We were out hunting.

There was an accident.

Here.

Stanisław?

Hi, Daddy.

About that city girl...

Didn't work out.

Well, he is still your son, my lord?

Wrong son...

of the wrong nobleman.

Are there any other royal offspring here?

Uh, I'm still here.

The two of you ran all this way to tell me that this idiot is Stanisław?

Exactly.

And I don't see any other magnate's sons.

Oh, another.

Are you kidding?

What's wrong? You a wuss?

Maybe I am. So what?

Is my manhood really gonna be measured

by whether I'm...

...able to drink you under the table?

What? I'm talking dumb.

I don't hold liquor well.

I'm less of an idiot when I drink in moderation.

Because then I... I can drink even more.

Although, I have to admit, I say dumb things even...

I don't even know what to make of my life.

Life is what you make it.

For some.

The rules aren't the same...

for some of us.

I know.

Come on!

Do you like board games?

Whenever I'm really bored, I go back to the manor

and sort all of Luther's theses

from the least ridiculous to the most idiotic.

I recall your father mentioning there'd been a hunt.

Apparently, in this neck of the woods.

Oh.

It's so common to lose jewelry while hunting.

Not so common to have the initials "H. L."

I don't know.

We have lots of those.

Do you now?

First name starting with "H" and last name starting with "L".

Honey Lemon.

Aniela, we have a problem.

You're killing my buzz, Arleta.

It's your party. You should be out there having fun.

I'd like to, but... I'm in labor.

You said it was six months.

Well, six plus three more.

I will say this for the last time. Henryk Lubopolski was never in this room.

Lady Zofia, I haven't even started the interrogation.

As I was surveying the area where your husband said

the hunt took place, I found this ring.

And Father Jakub snatched it from my hand, put it in his mouth, and almost choked...

...while trying to swallow the damn thing. In the meantime,

you cried out, and I quote...

"There was never a ring. There was never a ring."

I'm sure I'm misquoted.

As you wish.

Although we all know that buffoon came here,

and I will find out what happened.

And Godspeed to you, Father.

Zofia, it's still not too late.

- For what? - For you to confess.

There's been a murder here.

It's too much to live with.

If you'd met that fool, you would find it easier.

But... you're innocent, my darling.

Confess to what really went on here, and the truth will set you free.

You'll be able to be whoever you want to be...

with whomever you want to be.

By doing so, you'll choose goodness and love.

And what's more important than goodness and love?

Whenever goodness and love stand in the way of family,

family crushes them both to dust.

This is Poland...

where family trumps everything.

SALE AND PURCHASE AGREEMENT OF THE BIGGER HALF OF ADAMCZYCHA

ANNEX TO THE SALE AND PURCHASE AGREEMENT

Jan Paweł.

And that's all he wrote.

Andrzej...

I hereby...

...confirm that Jan Paweł is officially owner of your half...

The bigger half.

...for the amount equal to the first installment of your debt

to the Commonwealth Crown.

Adamczycha is mine.

All halves of it.

Andrzej got mixed up in some funny business,

and now the King confiscated his entire estate.

I've been saying all along that he's an idiot. But now?

Now, I will most certainly become the most famous Jan Paweł

in Polish history.

No one can please you in bed as I did!

And vice versa!

My finger will never ever touch your clitoris again!

I curse it!

We are done!

Yes, it's over! Forever and ever! Amen!

Right.

I say that proves my theory

that women can't be friends.

No kidding.

Whereas we just start throwing punches, and the situation is resolved,

and we forget all about it. But women? Crazy!

"The way you rubbed my clitoris hurt my feelings."

"We're not friends anymore." That's my lady voice.

Women have way too many feelings.

I always say,

"Bro, do what you want with my clitoris, as long as the wine keeps coming!" Ah!

Mm.

What's a clitoris?

I have no idea.

Great news!

You'll never guess what happened.

What's going on here?

- You're almost there. Go, Arleta. Push! - Move.

Bare down. Bare down. Breathe. Breathe.

Like you mean it! Come on! Now cut it! Come on, cut it!

Here's my gift to you! A child.

Now let's get back to the wedding.

- Oh! - His name will be Adam!

In honor of my Adamczycha!

Bravo! Bravo!

I have a daughter!

Oh.

- What? - We have a girl.

Damn. It's always something.

Okay, so you'll be Adam!

In honor of my village.

She looks just like you, Bartosz.

Call me Adam.

It was evident right away.

Arleta!

Jan Paweł!

Ever since my arrival, people have treated me like an idiot.

And I don't like it when people think I'm an idiot.

So I'm gonna tell you what I know,

and then I want to hear what you know.

I know that Henryk Lubopolski was in Adamczycha.

Is it me, or our cemeteries are getting colder?

And I know that you know that Henryk Lubopolski was in Adamczycha.

I didn't know that.

You knew that and didn't tell us?

Where is he now Andrzej?

And I know that if you both keep lying through your teeth,

you'll be arrested for obstruction of justice.

So let me ask you one more time.

When was the last time you two saw Henryk?

Uh...

Uh, you know...

I think I'm starting to remember something.

Yeah, but it's still a little bit foggy.

- Uh... - Uh...

Wow, it's been a few weeks, so my memory...

My memory needs a little bit of refreshing.

It's coming to me. I remember. There was an accident.

Yes. Uh, the magnate's son had his father's carriage travelling

down the road when an elk suddenly sprang outta nowhere.

Yes. From the... from the bushes on the left.

Yes. And the said elk really spooked the horse.

- And? - Uh...

Because Henryk was driving

under the influence of snuff, he lost control.

- Yes. That's exactly how it went down. - Then he crashed into a tree.

And then his head exploded like a melon.

Mm-hmm.

Uh... The elk came from the left?

You were close enough to see it?

- Andrzej killed him. - Jan Paweł killed him!

You killed him because you saw that Henryk and I had a bond.

You killed him because you knew he was set to marry one of my daughters.

Your daughters?

Half an hour.

That's how long you have to remember who killed Henryk Lubopolski.

If you can't make up your minds, I'll assume there are two murderers.

I got it! No!

I had it!

- I got you the bouquet! - Keep it, Ula. It's yours.

I only get paid if your mom sees you take it.

What?

Are you kidding?

Aniela,

Adamczycha is ours. All halves of it.

- It's a huge opportunity for our family. - What does a bouquet have to do with it?

We'll be back in the race for a magnate's son,

now that we also own the bigger half.

Mother, listen to me.

I know we're keeping it quiet,

but that idiot doesn't have enough brains in his head to be my husband!

Aniela.

There are other sons of magnates with their melons intact.

You won't let up on this, will you?

- We all have to make sacrifices. - And what are you sacrificing?

Tsk.

Typical.

Jan Paweł...

...there's no way out of this for us. We are complete toast.

You're right.

If history can be trusted,

moments like these make great men find courage in their hearts,

and become legends.

I will sacrifice myself

and let you take all the blame for his death.

What?

- That's the opposite of courage. - Are you kidding?

It takes great courage

to ask another man to do something for you,

knowing that he probably won't accept.

- It's very uncomfortable. - You got one thing right.

I don't accept.

So if not you or me, then who?

But of course. The white-tailed eagle speaks Polish.

No way. Have you actually heard it with your own ears?

Uh-huh. Who else's?

Some stranger's ears? My ears work perfectly fine.

So I accepted to take the fall for the dead moron.

I admit I wasn't so sure about it at first,

because killing a noble is punishable by death.

Then I remembered the tradition

of allowing the poor suckers who are sentenced to death

to choose one final meal.

And one thing I've always said is this,

"I'll eat a guinea fowl, and then I can die."

I am true to my word.

Time's up.

This version is your final version, correct?

Yes. It was Bogdan.

A ruthless assassin.

Mm-hmm. All right. Just a minor formality to wrap things up.

How exactly did you kill Henryk?

Well, like...

a man...

who believes in God.

- You sho... - Do not help him.

I sho...

I might've shoved a dagger through his heart.

From behind.

If you don't want the money, I'll just give it to him. I've had enough.

Money?

Bogdan, report to the crown treasury in Plock tomorrow

to collect your reward of 100,000 gold coins.

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Henryk Lubopolski was wanted dead or alive for murdering someone in cold blood.

So the guinea fowl's cancelled?

You can get as many guinea fowls as you want.

You're rich now.

Oh, fucking A!

Brothers!

Thank you!

So, what life do you want to make?

It's best not to speak it out loud.

Then don't speak.

Life is, without a doubt, the most surprising thing in life.

Every little thing we do

brings a load of consequences we cannot foresee.

We make assumptions and tell ourselves

all sorts of crazy things.

But it's like talking to a fox, a raven or a peasant.

On the other hand, every omission or missed opportunity

leaves us with a nagging "what if?" in our heads, right behind the eyes.

And it's difficult to escape the thought

that nothing in life is really in our hands,

even though we're the ones who do all the work.

So when we hear that we're destined for valor and greatness,

we have to keep our cool.

Because, who knows?

Only God Almighty.

Or the Brown Hatter.

Or both.

All we can do is believe.

Or not believe.

That's why we need a strong foundation

that we can lean on, so we don't go mad. And that foundation can only be nation,

community,

and family.

Am I right, Zofia?

What?

I was asking if I was right.

I wasn't really listening, my lord, but I'm sure you are.

THE END

Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!