Original subtitles

This is where we're gonna have the hunt...

Your wings are blocking the view. ...in my beautiful playground.

Bogdan, what's the most important thing when it comes to hunting?

- You, Jan Paweł? - No.

But that's a very good answer. What I was looking for is "safety first."

Whenever you give guns to men, women, and children above the age of four,

check the surroundings for bystanders who may get shot by accident.

Jan Paweł?

Oh, that's not good.

Another reason to insist on mandatory driving lessons.

We're just on a routine forest patrol,

and we've come upon obvious proof of a traffic code violation.

When we find the idiot responsible,

justice will be ruthless.

Probably a Tatar road hog.

Well, well.

- Who do we have here, Bogdan? - Ha! A drunkard.

Hey! What's your name, drunkard?

And what are you wearing?

I'm in such a good mood.

Because someone has recently brought new enjoyment into my world.

We're entertaining a magnate's son.

Into our world.

- He's a real golden boy. - Yes.

Ah, more wine.

Chop, chop, chop.

What I like about the magnate's son is that...

his father has a title.

Ah! Big merci for towing us.

My father's carriages...

...are good for the scrapyard.

You'll have snuff with me...

...won't you, Jan Pawełly?

Uh...

No. Thank you, though.

It's not really my thing.

Mm. What do you mean? Since when?

You should do a line or two with our guest, my lord.

Listen to your wife, man! Come on!

Ooh.

- And your daughter? - Sorry, sir?

This isn't her.

Move along, Marianna.

Our daughter is prettier.

I adore pretty things.

Juicy ones too.

Oh! Did you hear that?

Just like our Aniela.

I'll go fetch her.

Hey.

Hey.

Are you painting yourself?

My father's planning to murder innocent animals in the forest,

so I'm ruining my portrait in protest.

Listen.

I'd like to apologize.

- Apologize? - About the thing that I said...

I acted like a real idiot.

You can admit when you're wrong. I appreciate that.

I don't know too many guys who can do that, Maciej.

And I don't know any girls whose dream isn't...

to marry a magnate's son and bear his children.

Just to be clear,

a relationship with a magnate's son holds zero interest for me.

Aniela!

Come and establish a relationship with a magnate's son!

And step on it!

On behalf of Orzyc River Cruises, I'd like to welcome you aboard.

Besides limited legroom, we have mousetraps under our seats,

So, whatever you do, don't reach down there.

For your onboard confessional needs, we have our stern priest

who'll get you into heaven in the unlikely event we hit rock bottom.

Off we go.

Bogdan, get in.

Come on. We're late.

Don't be silly. Hop on.

I'm traveling on business today.

Our services are needed, to perform an exorcism on a villager.

Demand and supply, right?

I invited Bogdan along for some backup.

I still don't know why your dad wouldn't let us take a wagon.

Cruising is, by far, the safest means of transport.

According to statistics, the chances of you dying

in a boating accident are something like one in eleven.

This is our family's prized arquebus.

Génial! Have you ever killed anyone or anything with it yourself?

Of course I have. A wild boar and two ducks.

Or three.

No humans?

And what about you? Are you involved

in running the family business with your father?

Nope. I'm studying in France.

- Oh! Do you have exams soon? - I don't know. I think they're now.

Oh là là! Bébé!

You must be the family's second prized arquebus.

Sir Henryk, our daughter Aniela.

Sweetheart, I must say you look like a blushing bride in that dress.

What a shame you don't have a fiancé to go with it.

Henryk Lubopolski,

of the Lubopolskis.

Aniela Adamczewska,

of these Adamczewskis.

A humorous one.

Yes, she has at least four humors.

Jan, let's snuff!

How about we do something to pass the time?

Do you know the game where I say a word, and then you say a word

that starts with the last letter of my word?

Yeah. Think so.

I'll let you go first.

Rations.

Sainthood.

Rations.

Sainthood.

Did I win the round?

I think it's a tie.

So Henryk's father cracked the Hundred Richest Poles list.

They currently own 90% of the resources and assets of the entire Polish nation.

Of course, we're hoping

that as our country continues to expand and develop,

that the chokehold on wealth and ownership will be reserved to ten Poles at the most.

Sadly, we have some stubborn competition vying for a spot in the top ten.

Ow!

I heard you have a visitor. Hm.

Come in, girls.

And Tereska's great on the organ.

Oh.

Tereska?

I'm wondering if that ugly scar on your shoulder still oozes.

It's your turn, Aniela. I'm wondering what's your hidden talent?

Well, my talents are many, Henryk.

But my favorite is quietly escaping from a crowded room.

Ooh.

Have a nice day.

It's magic!

It reminds me of my ex and my first cousin!

She had a mouth on her too.

Your ex or your cousin?

They're the same person, Adam.

It's "Andrzej."

Eh, never mind. Adam, Andrzej.

It's close enough.

Aniela! What's the matter with you?

Henryk adores you. Don't blow this opportunity!

He's a child. Besides that, he's a drug addict.

Just a minor snuff problem.

Anyway, would you rather have a good husband with no money

or a crappy husband with substance abuse issues,

but money out his you-know-what?

- This is a rhetorical question. - Precisely.

You know what the problem with knights rushing to the damsel's rescue is?

The concept of mutual consent is foreign to them.

We've arrived at the house of the serf who wants to pay me

to drive the evil spirit from his daughter.

Uh, I'll be honest. After the whole fake Jesus fiasco,

I'm skeptical about the whole "possessed by the devil" thing.

In general, I'm a rational guy and don't subscribe to metaphysical ideas.

With the exception of my God and...

all the rest.

Father. Father. Bless you for your presence.

- Something's wrong with our Dobrusia. - The devil has claimed her soul.

The bill needs to be settled upfront.

During the exorcism, the devil tempts me to jack my rates.

- Where's the girl? - In her room.

Weird.

The girl has her own room?

No wonder she's losing it.

Ah.

I'm bored!

I need shenanigans.

Shen... Shenanigans?

Sure. Shen... Shenanigans. Naturally.

Something fun.

- Some dancing. - Right.

Jan Paweł. Bust a move for us, will you?

Dance!

Ugh.

You too!

And you too! Get in there!

Yes!

At last, we're having fun.

What else is there? I'm getting bored.

We thought you might enjoy hunting boar this afternoon.

Fucking A!

Don't shoot! Please!

First of all, you're having a really bad hair day.

Where is your comb?

Arghav vard

agrah vizars.

German.

You're addressing a man of the cloth. You should sit up straight.

Bogdan, this young lady deserves to be spanked.

If she's not an at-risk teen, I don't know who is.

We've been members of the local animal lovers club for years.

We mostly go after deer, wild boar, and pheasant,

but we love to kill anything that moves as well.

It's time to release the falcon.

- Sorry, I'm afraid we don't have one. - No?

- What do we have? - Dogs.

- Huh? - Release the beasts!

Doggies! Ah.

- Oh. - Yes. The Dachshund.

The national dog of Poland.

Mieszko, Chrobry and Fafik.

All right.

I'm bored!

- I say we have a contest! - Uh... A contest?

What did I just say, Adam?

- Are you a half-wit? - He is.

The team that kills the best supper wins my respect for the day.

We're here.

Oh.

We need to split into teams

and decide who goes in the forest with whom.

- Uh, I'll go with my dad. - Uh?

Aw. She admires her old man.

Uh. I need someone to carry my wine jug.

So...

Let's go!

These trees are pathetic.

All my dad's trees are twice this big.

Quiet.

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

I know that sound.

That growl.

It's a bear.

I just adore simpletons.

You're so easy to make fun of.

Ah... Have you been living in this dump for a while?

I came here a few months ago, sir.

Do you know your lord's daughter?

Of course.

I mean, everyone does.

Ah. What does everyone say about her?

That she's a really great person.

Really smart...

and caring.

Oh. Perfect.

She's just the kinda girl I need to be my first wife.

Dad, don't!

No!

- Ah... - Aniela.

We would've won the contest.

I can't stand by while you kill creatures for sport.

Sweetheart... What's gotten into you again?

Animals need exercise,

and inviting them to the hunt gives them that.

You're stressing them out.

Stress is good. It teaches them to survive.

I'm trying to bag a husband for you, darling.

But you're really not making it easy.

I've told you a thousand times,

the last thing I wanna do is marry a magnate's son.

Yeah?

Really.

I thought you meant the opposite.

When you told me, "I don't wanna marry a magnate's son,"

you were trying to say, "I wanna marry a magnate's son."

You know, like you women always do.

Do you really want me to spend the rest of my life

with that buffoon, Dad?

I admit, he does get on my nerves.

Okay, Aniela.

I'll give it some thought.

Anyway, we're out of the competition.

Not yet we're not.

Our attempts to discipline the girl were to no avail.

We have theories about that.

I think the failure's due to cultural differences.

Because, as so often happens in today's society,

foreigners do not assimilate well into Polish culture.

Please refrain from cracking your pelvic bones

when your elders are speaking.

I see it differently.

Basically, I see this as a textbook example

of loosy-goosy parenting.

Could be food poisoning.

Tell us what you've had to eat lately.

Give her a kerchief. Her face is disgusting.

What happened?

Oh! You're not getting off that easy.

Go think in the corner!

Bogdan?

I found a cookie.

I have to say, I'm very pleased with today's exorcism.

We rocked it.

Today was a stark reminder of where we're headed

if we spoil our young people.

Children need structure.

It's comforting to know

that in this ever-changing, fast-paced world we live in,

villagers are willing to trust two men and their paternal instincts

to guide a teen through the onset of puberty.

What can we say?

We deserve a hand.

I agree.

Jakub, can you picture a world

in which two men would be able to raise a child as their own?

I'm afraid I can't dream that big, my friend.

Hm...

Let's hit the road.

So...

What you're saying is that she has foul breath,

and she's flat-footed?

That's what they tell me, sir.

You got vicious tongues in your village.

Maybe. Except that's how she is.

And she's stupid.

Someone once asked her what two plus two is.

You know what she said? Two plus two is close to... 138.

Huh. When I asked earlier you told me she's brilliant.

Mm. Those were our instructions...

from her parents.

They're trying hard to pawn her off

to some poor sucker.

I'll just have to teach her everything.

I think we'll start with what happens in the marital bed.

Ah...

You want to know what I really suspect?

That you're the one

who's trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

You're telling me all these lies

because you don't want Lord Henryk to snatch the girl you're in love with.

You want to keep what's-her-name all to your lowly peasant self.

I promise I'll think of you whenever...

I enter her.

Ah...

Finally, there's some action, huh?

But you'll hang for it.

Lord Henryk! I didn't mean it! Wait!

Please, wait!

Lord Henryk!

Here it is.

The greatest kill of the hunt. A boar.

I merely grazed the vicious beast,

but my valiant daughters finished it off with their bare hands.

Seriously, ladies?

Whatever it takes,

if it gets us a fucking palace.

Huh. And how did you fare, Jan Paweł?

Extremely well, as you can see from our trophy.

Huh. Are those tomatoes?

You call that a hunting trophy?

Yes, I do.

Eating lots of fruits and vegetables is the latest trend in nutrition.

It's good for digestion.

That's ridiculous.

You're disqualified.

- Wojciech? - Mm-hmm?

- When was the last time you ate meat? - I don't remember, my lord.

You see, Andrzej?

Even peasants are giving up meat.

Maybe your Jeremi would've fared better in the duel if he had eaten more veggies!

Just keep flapping your gums, Jan Paweł. All talk, no action.

But you know who is getting some action? Remember our friend Ciesław?

The one with the wife whose fingers fell off?

I went to see him to strike a deal after your big duel.

He's agreed to sell my grain across the Netherlands.

- And I'll make bags of cash. This big. - You?

And why didn't he make me such an offer?

He did. You're an idiot who wouldn't listen to him.

This is gonna put me in another league.

I'll become a magnate, buy all of Adamczycha,

and never have to look at your no-good, lying, rotten face again.

But first, I'm gonna marry my daughter to that idiot.

Over my dead body!

An elk!

- This'll get me first place. - Keep dreaming.

I'll be the most famous Jan Paweł in the history of Poland,

and no one will to stop me!

And I'll be the greatest Andrzej in the world!

- I'm faster than you are. - Like hell you are!

Holly fuck.

I'm a big enough man to say it, Jan Paweł.

You were faster.

I'd like to think so, but I just loaded my gun.

What?

Then fire it.

- You just killed Henryk Lubopolski. - I didn't. You were faster.

I don't think that's what really matters right now, you two.

Are you saying that we shouldn't worry?

No, I mean you better get your stories straight

for whomever comes looking.

They'll miss him, eventually.

Uh... What tragic accident occurred here...

earlier this morning.

- A magnate's son... - Uh, Henryk Lubopolski.

Yeah. Uh...

...was driving his carriage through here, when an elk suddenly surged onto the road.

- An elk. - Yeah.

And said elk spooked the horse.

Unfortunately, this happened after Henryk had taken lots of snuff.

Mm... Which made it hard for him to control the carriage.

He was killed when his carriage crashed into a tree.

Yes.

And his head exploded like a melon.