Original subtitles

Every now and again, my nobleman buddies come visit

to compare how well-hung we are.

Almost nothing is as crucial to a Sarmatian's self-esteem

as how well-hung he is.

Oh, no. It... it was longer back home. I swear.

Being well-hung is a direct extension of a Sarmatian's honor.

Listen, they look fairly equal to me.

Well, never mind, then.

So how about some dinner?

Actually, I think Andrzej's is longer.

Excuse me?

Andrzej's has a bigger knob,

while Jan Paweł's entire length is just from some dangling threads.

Quite flimsy threads, I dare say.

Jeremi, watch your tongue. That's my swag you're talking about.

Jan Paweł, if you can't take a little constructive criticism,

you shouldn't have displayed your swag for everyone to publicly assess.

I have no issue with publicly displaying my swag,

but your cousin has used hate speech while assessing it.

I'm just saying that your dangling thread isn't very long.

- Slander! - Slander!

- Slander! - That's enough!

This insult will require...

complete eradication...

...with swift violence.

Well said, Jan Paweł.

Jeremi, I challenge you to a duel.

I accept.

Oh.

We'd all be better off if men didn't compare their knobs.

I just couldn't stop yelling at her.

Tsk, tsk.

We haven't been getting along at all lately, Father,

and I just don't know what I should do...

Oh. Did I tell you the news? That I'm gonna be my father's heir?

Yes.

That's actually the third time you've interrupted me to tell me that.

Well, all you're doing is talking about yourself.

But I'm...

Uh, I'm here to confess to you.

Uh-huh. That's fine.

Your penance will be that you must tell everyone you know

that my father has decided to make me his heir.

If you don't make time for your children when they're young,

you can't count on them to make time for you when you're older.

Pretty profound, isn't it?

So I'm looking forward to some quality father-son time with Jakub,

as he watches me split Jeremi's head in half during the duel.

Dad?

You're not planning a duel with anyone, right?

'Cause the whole village is talking about some duel.

Anielka, I had to. He slandered me.

- He slandered him. - So?

So I have to prove to Andrzej's cousin that he was wrong.

Killing him isn't proving him wrong.

What other way is there?

Don't you see that you're perpetuating toxic behaviors and stereotypes

that keep repeating themselves through generations of men?

You suffer from chronic stress,

unable to build healthy relationships with other men

because you hide your emotions

under the guise of pride and male posturing.

Anielka,

your braid is lovely.

Sorry?

You were just prattling on, and, at one point, I thought to myself,

- "God, she's been talking for so long." - I know, right?

So I said to myself,

"Make sure you keep looking at her head area,

or she'll realize you're not listening to her." And then...

that's when I noticed your braid. It's really beautiful, darling.

Yeah. Nice work, Aniela.

I don't have time for my father's shenanigans.

I'm conducting an investigation of my mom.

She's been acting pretty weird these days.

Hello, girls. How's your day going?

- It's good. - Oh. That's great.

Mm.

I mean, she hasn't been acting weird,

and that's what's weird.

She's been secretly corresponding with someone.

And it all started when those townspeople came to visit.

I'm starting to suspect that my mom...

- Ryczyński. - Adamczewska.

...is having an affair with Ciesław.

I've been pondering what I'll say when I'm standing over Jeremi's corpse.

I was thinking something like,

"You shouldn't have insulted me."

Cool. That's very cool.

I was also thinking, maybe, something that rhymes to lighten the mood.

Like, I'll cut off his head, and then I'll say,

"Hey, Fred, where's your head?"

But his name is Jeremi, so I don't know...

Ha!

Look at him go, Dad.

My dad rules!

So flail as much as you want! My dad's gonna end you, Fred!

His name is not Fred!

So? Who cares?

I've been visualizing our duel all day. And I'm not gonna lie...

I win every time.

What do you think of that, eh?

I suppose the good news is there's room for improvement.

Good enough to take Jeremi down?

Jeremi?

Do you mean "Sudden Death" Jeremi?

I don't know. That tiny guy.

Andrzej's cousin. The shrimp.

That's "Sudden Death."

What's with the nickname? Were there a lot of sudden deaths in his family?

Sudden Death

is the fourth-best swordsman in our region.

He's won at least seven recent duels, that I've heard of.

What possessed you to agree to a duel with Sudden Death?

Jeremi.

Can we just call him Jeremi for now, all right?

All right.

But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe...

Jeremi is visualizing a different outcome.

Um...

Jakub, have you seen Mom?

Uh, she's not lying prostrate in the drawing room?

No.

Is she lying prostrate in her bedroom?

No.

No clue, then.

What does my mom need a dress like that for?

It's not a church dress, right?

Marianka! Is the carriage ready?

Things aren't looking that great right now.

However, Jan Paweł couldn't have chosen a better trainer.

Attack the sack!

I'm a battle-hardened fellow.

I'm a veteran of many Polish wars.

Now, attack the sack in the fog!

Again! Well done! Duck!

Come on! Come on!

All the battles went pretty much the same way.

The opening fight...

Now go higher!

The definitive fight...

And the fight for honor.

Bogdan, you're napping, and the duel is in just a few hours.

I'm not napping, Jan Paweł.

This is a tactical maneuver.

I deployed it in the Battle of Mątwy.

It's called "Playing Dead."

Once you've mastered this part, feel free to add some convulsions to it.

Oh, and no talking.

Dead people don't talk.

Bogdan, I'm not going to play dead.

- Besides, only an idiot would fall for... - Oh, no. Is Uncle dead?

I'd better check if he had any coins, so the peasants don't steal them.

I still got it!

First of all, I just wanted to thank you for giving me a chance.

This is my first conspiracy, you see, and...

I'm grateful to be going on this journey together.

Wait, so you also wanna escape from the village?

What? No.

I don't want to be hanged. I... I... I meant it metaphorically.

The punishment for escaping is hanging?

- I mean, if they catch you. - Well, is there a chance that they won't?

Hey, Lithuanian!

Did you touch my pile of breadcrumbs? They were right here.

Wait a sec.

A peasant and a Jew in the same room?

You must be plotting.

Uh, no. Not at all. That's just pure antisemitism, you know.

Thank you.

Uh, and anti...

Is there a word for prejudice against peasants?

There is. Patriotism.

Be careful. I'm watching the both of you.

I knew it! My face is too revealing.

I'm a shitty plotter! I shouldn't be doing any plotting.

- I should be minding chickens! - Hey. Hey. Hey. Izaak, whoa.

We were talking about my chances.

Your chances?

Well, you do have a chance.

But the question is, have you already made up your mind?

And are you truly ready to abandon everything and everyone you know?

Aniela.

- Aniela, do you have a sec? - I don't.

And even if I did, I still wouldn't have a second for you.

Aniela?

It's important.

It isn't to me.

- The cormorant is leaving the nest. - Oh, do you enjoy birding?

No.

The cormorant is leaving the nest.

Hang on.

You're not talking about...

the cormorant.

Wait, am I the cormorant?

Am I failing my... my community? Do I have to leave?

No.

It's me. I'm the cormorant.

Right!

So let's go see...

another cormorant... who can help take care of this.

Uh, Stasia, Maciej needs to get to Gaworki village.

What? Who?

This lady's the smuggler?

A varmint!

Oh. No, no. No, no, no, no, no. He's not a varmint.

- She has a thing about varmints. - Mm.

Maciej's a handsome bachelor.

Yes. Handsome.

So what do you want?

You hungry?

No.

- He wants to escape from the estate. - Run away? Oh my God!

Save us, Almighty God!

- Oh my beloved Mary! Oh my God! - Oh, no. I'm so sorry, ma'am.

My intention wasn't to stress you out like this.

- I'm very sorry. - It's all right.

- Stasia is a professional mourner. - That's right. Go on.

So, Mrs. Stasia.

In Gaworki, a touring theater troupe is waiting for me.

Jesus, no! Oh, Mary!

Oh, Holy Mother above!

- Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God... - No. I can't do this.

I feel like I'm just a disappointment to her.

- Hey. Stasia. - Sure, sure. Stasia, Stasia!

It's always Stasia!

That's a lot of pressure, you know! And what do I get, huh?

But I'll be fine.

- Say something! She's freaking out. - Okay.

Hey, you know this plan of yours won't work.

Oh, my sweet Mother of God.

Oh God. Oh my God.

Halt!

Whoa.

Who are you?

An old woman with her grandson's corpse.

Which grandson is that?

Which grandson?

Um, well...

Well, you know...

- He was a normal grandson. - You'll have to be more specific.

He was very nice and very handsome.

Nice and handsome?

- Right. I remember a guy like that. - Mm.

All right. You may go.

Oh, my beloved grandson!

Oh, my sunshine...

Holy Mother of God!

She has really bad luck with her grandsons.

Andrzej, uh...

Due to my fondness for you...

...I've decided to forgive your cousin Jeremi.

You forgive him?

If your cousin's willing to apologize to me,

then I'm prepared to forget about the duel.

I've got nothing to apologize for.

You wouldn't have to kneel down, although that would be a nice touch.

I'm not apologizing.

Andrzej,

I'm going to count down from three,

and that's gonna be your cousin's last chance.

- Three... - Three...

- Two... - Two...

What'd you say?

I said nothing.

I could've sworn I heard you say, "I'm sorry."

- You didn't? - No.

How do you say it anyway? "I'm sorry" or "I'm sahrrey"?

I know you wanna trick me into saying it.

Six...

- Five... - Five...

I've been dealing with this little problem for a while.

And it finally looks like today the little problem will work itself out.

Cieslaw's carriage is over there.

Unbelievable.

My whole life she's been telling me, "Anielka, there's only one way to behave."

"Your choices are unbecoming for a lady."

We'll see who's unbecoming once I catch her red-handed.

Boy, will she get an earful.

Hey!

- Where did you get that dress? - Lady Zofia gave it to me.

Wh... what do you mean, she gave it to you?

Every week, she brings us gifts.

Maybe you'll get something too.

Hang on. What is this place exactly?

It's a shelter for single mothers.

Well, what can I say?

I'm not proud of myself.

I suspected my mother of the worst things.

Only it turns out she's been secretly coming to this shelter

for single mothers to support those who are in need.

Her and Rozalia.

Two exemplary wives and mothers...

...who, despite everyday hardships, can still find the time to help others.

I suppose all I can do is wear sackcloth and ashes

and concede that my mother meets the rigorous moral standards

she insists on setting so high.

Case closed.

Now, let your seconds come forward, and they will select your weapons.

You see that, Dad? Nobles are showing up from all around to watch your triumph.

It's a good day to die.

Good to see you. You look healthy!

Mm. You must choose between using a saber

or a flail.

God, honor, and homeland.

The three most common causes of death among Polish nobles.

Just recently, honor has become the most popular,

which is why we've introduced the option to use flails in the duels.

Otherwise, there'd be a lot more killing.

Ah, what would become of poor Poland

without its nobility?

Andrzej, which weapon has Jeremi decided to use?

Since we'd like this duel to provide the satisfaction

Jan Paweł so desires, we're choosing the saber.

Jakub?

We're also choosing the saber. Hallelujah!

Jan Paweł, do you have something you want to say?

No. Not at all.

- Therefore, Jakub... - Wait a minute.

Saber...

The flail?

Or an axe? Is it possible to choose an axe?

Yes, but axes will pose a much higher risk of inevitable death.

Oh, excellent. Axes for us.

Your call.

Axes it is.

Stasia?

From Adamczycha?

- Who's that? - Aniela Adamczewska.

The lord's daughter? You look beautiful.

No, my hair's a mess today. Thank you for the compliment.

What are you doing here alone?

- You shouldn't be here alone. - I know, Stasia.

I don't know. My head's been all over the place.

I thought that my mom might be having an affair.

Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!

- My God. Oh, that's awful. Oh my God. - I know.

I thought she was acting weird, but the weird one was me.

And the worst part is, it's because of a guy.

Holy Mother of God! Is he nice? Handsome?

Is he single? Mm.

Handsome, yes.

- But not very nice. - Ay, ay, ay, ay.

- So he's a varmint, then? - He sure is.

And we don't have the same social status. He's a peasant.

Oh my God Almighty! Oh, my holy...

I know, Stasia. But what can I do?

The heart wants what it wants.

Oh, Stasia, thank you.

You really are such a good listener.

Oh, go.

When Father started coughing at me,

I figured out what he was telling me right away. He was saying,

"Choose the axe! Choose the axe, Son! Chop, chop, chop, chop!"

Jan Paweł, you're my hero.

I admire your bravery. It takes a lot of courage to face...

Sudden Death.

Can we just call him Jeremi?

Like we always used to up until this morning?

Now before we start the proceedings,

I'm obligated to present you with the warning

from the Chancellor of Health.

Please note that duels carry a risk of death and/or loss of limbs.

Are the opponents ready to begin?

Pater noster, qui es in caelis,

sanctificetur...

nomen tuum.

Homo homini lupus est! Homo homini lupus est!

- Whoo! - All right, gentlemen.

Let the duel begin!

Hey!

- What are you doing? - What's going on?

- Have you both gone crazy? - This isn't the time or place...

Get her out.

Aniela's right!

What are we doing? Are we crazy?

I don't know anymore.

I guess I wanted to impress my son.

To teach him all about honor.

But that's not what matters most in life.

We act all tough. We spend hours comparing swag.

We don't let any slander slide.

But what are we doing this for?

In life, what matters the most is...

To dance like no one's watching?

What? Nah.

The most important thing in life is to impress women.

Look around. Not a single woman here.

I mean, besides my daughter. Women don't care about any of this.

So then. if the women aren't watching us, then why bother?

Isn't that right, Anielka?

Uh, not even close, Dad.

And so, I humbly swear

on my honor, and for my daughter's honor,

that I will not fight this duel.

It's your lucky day, Sudden Death.

We both swore we would fight.

Reneging on a duel is... slander!

- Slander! - Yes!

- Slander! - Slander! Slander! Slander!

My lords, please! That's enough.

Since I won't be fighting, one of you will have to fight for me.

Let's see.

You there!

Will you do it?

Ready for the privilege of representing...

- That's crazy! - Some of it got on my coat!

Exactly how I would have done it.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Uh, I'll check to see if he had any coins, so the peasants don't steal them.

This wouldn't have happened if you'd fought!

That's fair, but it's sort of too late to reverse it.

So let's all agree that your cousin Jeremi is the honorary winner of the duel.

Congratulations Jeremi.

Yeah, congrats.

Peasant,

the nobleman is back in the house.

Remove your hat.

You lout. This is the third time in two hours that I've come back,

and, every time, I've asked you to remove your hat.

And you've ignored me every single time.

Show some respect for your Sarmatian leader,

and take off your blasted hat!

Do you hear me, animal?

Remove your hat!

The cormorant has left the nest.

Jakub! Jakub!

Jakub! Come quickly!

The Lithuanian has fled!

Are you sure you've got the right Lithuanian?

Yes. It's him. He took his things and vanished.

- I'll believe it when I see it. - He can't have gotten far.

Release the dogs!

Oh, hey, roomie. Want some hot water?

I just put the kettle on.

I tried turning the other cheek,

but Jan Paweł's antics have gone on too long.

I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Adamczycha will soon be mine.

Ah! Just don't tell anyone, okay?

I always do that. I spill the beans and then there's no surprise.

So...

Giddy up! Yah!

Yah!