Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome back to Play of the Week,

where each week a new play is performed live

in front of a studio audience, here in Cornley

and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean, the Director.

This episode is a World War II spy thriller.

A play not often performed,

due to what critics called

offensive historical inaccuracies,

caused by the author's lazy research.

I am delighted to say

we will be joined by a special guest star this evening.

My father, Raymond Bean

has taken the time out of his busy schedule

of writing letters of complaint to The Guardian,

to play the part of Randolph Wycombe.

He is currently running late

but one of our other actors has stepped in

for the meantime and we will proceed.

This episode is "The Pilot."

It's not the pilot episode, it's an episode about a pilot.

So, I suppose it is technically a pilot episode,

though it is not the pilot episode,

though it is called "The Pilot."

So, now everything's clear!

The actors are prepared,

the stage is set.

Please enjoy The Pilot, not the pilot.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Seven... Four... Nine. Test.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Nothing yet, Lieutenant.

Six damn months, Val.

Six months working with the most advanced technology available to man

and we're no closer to cracking the German code.

Argh!

You all right?

It's my leg again.

Damned embarrassing getting shot down

on my first flight

and look what I've got to show for it.

You mustn't worry, Rufus.

I don't care one jot about appearances.

My old kite, Dorothy's

sat out there on the runway

gathering dust.

I'm stuck here, unable to even walk.

You really ought to take some leave, Lieutenant,

I do worry about you.

You do?

Ah, Ms. LeClaire.

Bonjour, cherie.

Any luck with the latest transmission?

It, um, bibliotheque.

All right.

E.T.M: Beep.

Incoming telegram.

E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

It's from Commander Wycombe.

-Did you get it? -Yes.

He's going to call you directly, Corporal.

He says he wants some answers.

We will crack this code, we just need more time.

We must steel ourselves.

It is as Monsieur Napoleon said,

"La mort n'est rien,

"mais vivre vaincu... Et...

"Et voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"

I'm sorry, I've let you all down.

I'm not a codebreaker any more than I am a pilot.

I'm heading upstairs to my quarters.

Oh, God.

Rest up.

I just need a moment to clear my head.

Ah, Valerie,

he is a handsome man, no?

There's no time for fraternizing

at Caraway House, Ms. LeClair.

You must put any personal feelings you have aside.

Then so must you.

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Now, there's a war to be won.

Look at Adolf Hitler,

do you know what he has done?

He has moved his troops

through the Ardennes,

right into the heart of France.

And he'll get further than that

if the rumors of the mole are true.

Camille, I won't tell you again,

there is no mole.

The Germans could never infiltrate Caraway House.

I hope you are right, Valerie,

for all our sakes.

[PHONE RINGING]

This is Corporal Sky.

Sky, this is Commander Wycombe.

It's been too long sweetheart.

Sir.

Now, you've been working on this code

for months and still no success.

Well, these things take time, sir.

Time is the one damn thing we don't have, Sky.

I'll be with you at 0700 hours

and I expect to be furnished

with some good reason

as to why I shouldn't close Caraway House.

Is that clear?

-Yes, sir. -Now, take down my aircraft security clearance.

Alpha, Charlie, one, nine,

two, nine...

Thank you.

Alpha, Charlie, one, nine, two, nine, Foxtrot.

-Have you got that down? -Yes, sir.

-Send me through your co-ordinates. -Mmm-hmm.

By telegram.

Over and out.

Goodbye, sir.

-Hello. -Goodbye.

-Who was that? -Wycombe.

He's flying over,

he'll be here soon.

Why must headquarters always interfere?

I'm sending through our co-ordinates.

He threatened to close Ca...

Buzz.

He threatened to close Caraway House

You and Wycombe, you have history, no?

Perhaps you can persuade him

to give us more time?

I don't like what you're suggesting, Ms. LeClaire.

Well, do you want him to close us down?

He won't shut us down, I have an idea.

What?

Where's that transcribed message from this morning?

Here.

This message ends with two words,

four characters then...

Four characters then... Stop it.

Four... Four characters then six.

As did the transcribed message from the 11th.

If we assume these two words are the same

then bang...

Argh!

...we have our key.

We just need to know what the German radio op signed off with.

What would any German radio operator sign off with?

Heil Hitler.

That's it, Val.

I'll plug that into the machine.

Oh, this is brilliant.

You are brilliant, Lieutenant.

Let's get to work.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Anything yet, Lieutenant?

Still processing.

She just needs a few more minutes

and we'll know if we've cracked

the German code.

E.T.M: Beep.

Incoming telegram, must be from Wycombe.

Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

Wycombe is a spy.

No, that's not for now.

There's another message.

E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

The German's didn't attack Plymouth,

there must a spy at...

No, that's not the message.

E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

-The war is over. -No, it isn't!

Try again.

E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim?

Oh, Wycombe is about to arrive.

Right, good, we already knew that.

We mustn't waste any time.

We already have.

Look, I can see his plane.

Attention!

Good to see you again, Valerie,

it's been too long.

Commander.

Oh, come on, Val,

don't tell me you've forgotten the time we spent in Monaco.

[CHUCKLES] Bosch!

No, sir.

Good to have you with us, Wing Commander,

may I take your bag?

No...

Yes, I've been carrying it around all day.

You have arrived

at a very exciting time, Commander.

We believe we are on the verge of a big discovery.

Well, you've all been given too much slack here.

ROBERT: Come on! Oh, crap. Come on.

[SCREAMS]

ROBERT: I'm all right.

So, this is the machine

that cost King Henry VIII

one hundred thousand pounds.

She contains components from all the allied countries.

Over 4,000 connections a second.

Isn't she magnificent?

This is a complete waste of time and resources.

I am shutting this operation down right now!

[CODE BREAKING MACHINE CLUNKS AND BEEPS]

-She's done it. -Done what?

Deciphered the code. She works!

Camille, you speak the best German.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[SPEAKING GERMAN HESITANTLY]

Neunundneunzig luftballons.

Oh, there's going to be an attack on Plymouth tonight.

My God, call that into HQ right now.

This is Lieutenant Heal radioing from Ca...

From Caraway House.

Report...

[STRAINED] Report of a German air attack on Plymouth tonight.

Advise Fighter Command

to scramble to defensive positions.

MAN: Message received loud and clear.

[PANTS]

It's done.

[CLEARS THROAT] Congratulations, everyone.

Well, let's not get carried away.

Never forget that

Germany and England are still very much at war.

[CHURCHILL AND HITLER LAUGHING]

It's true,

Churchill would never let his guard down

and nor can we.

But you've all worked through the night.

Let's take two hours rest and we'll reconvene

at zero nine one zero,

zero nine one zero nine hundred and...

Zero... Ten past nine.

And Sky,

I'd like a word with you after my shower.

Yes, sir.

-And Heal... -Sir?

I underestimated you.

I can't believe you did it.

We all did it, Camille.

Oh, you are modest.

Thanks to you we could win

the Vietnam War

and liberate my homeland.

I am so very grateful to you for what you have done.

No, not yet.

Really, Camille,

I couldn't have done it without you and Val.

And we would have been lost without you.

No!

I may no longer be able to fight

but I'll do whatever I can.

You are a brave man.

-[WHISPERS] Now. -Hmm?

No, Ms. LeClair, I cannot.

I see.

It is Valerie for whom your heart beats, no?

-Perhaps -Hmm.

It is as we French say,

se prendre une...

Frere Jacques...

Dormez vous...

Sonnez les matines.

Ding, dang, dong.

Oh!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

Uh, no,

I was just heading upstairs to my quarters.

And I was heading up to mine. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[RUFUS GROANING]

Get the door. Get the door.

[GRUNTING]

CAMILLE: All right, pull me in.

Sky, pass me another towel, would you?

There's a good girl.

Sir.

Damn fine shower.

Much obliged.

Tell me honestly Sky,

do you miss what we had?

I know I do.

Please, I was just sport to you.

Oh, but the nights of passion.

Come on, Val,

don't tell me you've forgotten these...

Bosch!

Please, Wing Commander.

Oh, let your guard down, Val.

We're all alone.

Nobody can see us.

Let's not waste any more time, Sky.

Kiss me.

[MOANING]

No, Commander.

Tell me you don't want me right now.

Oh!

This is our chance.

You can stop pretending, Sky.

You're a woman with woman's needs, [CHUCKLES]

don't tell me you're not tempted

by my steely body.

Huh!

Admit it, you can't resist.

I can and I will.

You can run away from me, Val,

but you can't run away from how you feel.

I really must be getting back to my quarters.

[EXHALES]

[ALL GROANING]

She'll be back.

They always come back.

E.T.M: Beep!

Telegram.

Oh, about time.

E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

[SPEED SLOWS DOWN] Vim vim vim vim vim

vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

Out of paper.

Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

Low on ink.

Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

[CONTINUES MIMICKING E.T.M.]

-How do you spell Plymouth? -It doesn't matter!

Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim.

Good lord!

The Germans didn't attack Plimmley-mooth

They must have known we were ready for them.

But you know what that means.

You were right,

there's a German mole at Caraway House

Perhaps the place is bugged?

Hidden microphones?

Here? [ECHOES] Impossible.

High command are sending down...

Moncrieffe.

ALL: [GASP] Moncrieffe!

The spy hunter.

No one leaves this room until he arrives.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

NARRATOR: Talk of the spy hunter's imminent arrival

caused tension among the team.

Someone at Caraway was a traitor.

Could it be Valerie, Rufus, Camille?

With every hour that passed,

the situation grew more tense.

I can't believe the Jerrys are onto us.

All that work, all that secrecy

and one of our inner circle has betrayed us.

It's so embarrassing.

Churchill would never get caught

with his trousers down like this.

-You were supposed to freeze it. -Big thighs...

Sorry, we were just refitting the trousers.

Just stand away from the window!

Mine need refitting too.

Get off, just get off!

Chris, that tone is exactly why

everyone said you should play Hitler.

Get out!

[SHOUTS] Right.

Churchill would never get caught

with his trousers down like this.

-I'd have to... [SCREAMS] -[SCREAMS]

Just lending them mine.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

-Shall I take mine off too? -No!

[VALERIE CLEARS THROAT]

Our efforts haven't been wasted, Rufus.

They knew we were ready for them at Plymouth

but they may not know we've broken the code.

You're right, and look,

-here comes Moncrieffe. -[PLANE SOUND EFFECT PLAYS]

[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-I'll do one more... -Thank God you're here!

Lionel Moncrieffe,

spy catcher.

I shall begin my interrogations immediately.

Excellent, I must be getting back to headquarters.

Nobody leaves

until the spy is caught.

You first, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant Rufus James Heal.

I've looked through your file.

Impressive.

Now, this is a polygraph.

The latest technology from the Americans.

It detects the most minute electrical signals,

so I'll know if you're lying.

Let's begin. [CLEARS THROAT]

-Where are you from. Lieutenant? -Harrow.

-[MACHINE BEEPS] -Correct.

And your family, were they British?

Yes.

-[MACHINE DINGS] -Lies!

-It, it can't be. -I... I'm not...

Are either of your parents Germans?

Are either of your parents Germans?

Are either... Are either of your parents Germans?

Yes! Yes, all right,

my mother was German born

but she moved here when she was a child.

She's as British as you or I.

Oh, Rufus.

You falsified your papers.

Of course, they wouldn't have let me fight otherwise.

Don't raise your voice to me.

[SHOUTS] I'm not the spy. Does that pass your damn test?

To hell with the test.

I don't trust you.

I'm handcuffing myself to you

until I'm convinced that you have nothing left to hide.

This man is clearly the mole,

and I have him trapped.

Whoa!

Well done, Moncrieffe.

Now that's all solved I'll get back to HQ.

E.T.M: Beep!

CAMILLE: Telegram!

Vim vim vim vim vim vim.

Wait!

HQ is infiltrated.

Camille is the spy.

No, she isn't.

Are there any other telegrams from HQ?

Erm, vim vim vim vim vim?

Val is the spy.

No.

Not Val.

Vim?

How could it be you?

You're a machine!

Is it you?

-No! -Is it Rufus?

I am Rufus!

I thought you were Hitler.

No!

So, who is it then?

Wycombe!

-Who's Wycombe? -She's Wycombe!

I thought your dad was Wycombe.

No, because he's not here, is he?

Oh, hi, Chris.

It's too bloody late now, Dad, get out!

It's an air raid.

-[ALARM BLARING] -It's an air raid!

I can see a German plane right overhead.

Where's Wycombe?

He's run away, look,

the door is wide open.

Argh!

That plane's not a bomber,

it's a fighter.

Looks like an escort.

Ha!

It's Wycombe in that plane.

We mustn't let him get away.

But who'll catch him?

Dorothy will.

I can't fly Dorothy, not without my leg.

I believe you can.

Petit Filous.

All right.

I'll see you on the other side.

VAL: Good luck, Rufus.

I'm most pleased you'll be returned

to the fatherland Heir Wycombe.

There is a warm welcome for you waiting in Berlin.

As long as I get my money, I'll be happy.

Good Lord, what the devil is that?

Wait, wait I'm not ready.

I'm not set yet... [SCREAMS] Ahhh!

-It's the Brit! -Open fire.

RUFUS: Help me.

Damn it, we'll lose him in the clouds!

[SCREAMING]

He's totally fearless!

[CONTINUES SCREAMING]

I have never seen such skill.

RUFUS: Oh, God.

I think we've lost him.

Mayday, mayday, we're going down.

Ahhh, I'm going to be sick.

I did it, I'm coming home.

E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim vim.

-It's dark... -The war is over.

I'm sure you and Rufus will be very happy together.

Oh, Valerie,

the Lieutenant only has eyes for you.

It is as the Spanish say...

Ah!

La la la la la la Bamba.

Val, Camille, look!

There's a visitor here to see us.

[GASPS] Mr. Churchill!

[GRUNTS]

I wanted to come

and express my gratitude personally

by giving you this.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Mmm. Ah!

You've done something truly remarkable, Heal.

No-one will ever forget the 19th of February 1961.

The day Hitler was shot down in a plane over Devon.

Congratulations, Lieutenant,

or should I say...

The King.

Oh, Rufus.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

You really are a damn fine pilot.

Valerie,

would you accompany me to dinner tonight?

I'd be delighted.

Perhaps you'd all care to dine with me tonight at number six?

It would be an honor.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

Bon.

Vim.

You've all certainly made Winston Churchill very proud.

Except,

I'm not the real Winston Churchill.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

I'm... [CONTINUES LAUGHING]

I'm not the real Winston Churchill,

I'm... I'm... Nein,

I'm not the real Winston. [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]

I'm not the real,

I'm not the real Winston Church...

I'm Winston Churchill.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]