Original subtitles

Hello! Merry Christmas,

and welcome back to Play of the Week,

where each week a new play is performed live

in front of a studio audience here in Cornley

and broadcast to the nation.

-I am Chris Bean, the director. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm thrilled to present tonight's Christmas play.

-Before we begin, let's meet the... -Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris...

-Yes. -What noise does a reindeer make?

Clearly a matter for rehearsals, Dennis.

Before we begin,

let's meet the star of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for Father Christmas.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.

I've come all the way from Lapland

with my favorite two elves,

Nistle and Nostle!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, we've got just enough time

before the main event

to meet some children from...

the local area.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, so who have we got.

Right... Grace.

Grace, what would you like for Christmas, Grace?

I'm not Grace.

Why are you looking at me, then?

Don't make eye contact if you're not Grace.

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Who's Grace?

Right, okay, what do you want for Christmas?

An Xbox.

An Xbox?

Are you sure that's the gift

you prearranged with the producers?

Yes.

[LAUGHS] Oh, ho, ho, ho,

I think the producers agreed

there was a £15 limit

and you'd be getting a copy of Robert Groves'

Anything You Can Act, I Can Act Louder,

now with diagrams.

And it's even signed by the author, you see?

"To Grace."

That says "Grate."

So sorry. Let's fix that, shall we?

There we are.

Now it says "ungrateful."

Right, let's do another.

-What do you want for Christmas? -PlayStation.

Right, no games consoles.

That's not the budget we're working with.

Have an acting book.

Right. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

-I'm a boy. -Oh, who chose these?

All right, that's clearly enough of that.

Let's get on with the show.

The actors are prepared,

the stage is set.

Please enjoy "The Spirit of Christmas."

SANTA: Dreadful section.

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] -[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: One Christmas Eve, not long ago

a sweet little girl built a man out of snow.

She sighed as she played in the cold winter air

for she had some worries she needed to share.

Hello, Mr. Snowman,

you're going to be my best friend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I won't say that again!

What do you want me to do, Maude?

I've been running errands all day for you,

picking up all the food.

It's 8:00 and I've still got to prepare all this for tomorrow.

Fine. What can I do to help?

Cut up these chicken breasts, will you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Try not to make a mess of it.

I see you got the cheap sausages.

-Daddy, can we do a cracker? -Of course we can.

The crackers are for tomorrow.

Maude, just let her pull a cracker.

It's Christmas Eve, for goodness sake!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Why don't you decorate the tree?

Oh, can we?

I'll do the baubles

-and you can do the tinsel. -[GIGGLES]

MAUDE: Make sure you spread it out evenly,

I don't want it looking silly.

Oh, no, where's the... Where's the star?

Oh, I can't see it.

What? You've lost my grandmother's star?

I haven't lost it, I just can't find it

I can't trust you with anything, can I?

You know what,

I think I need some air.

[SNIFFS] When is Daddy coming back?

I don't know, darling.

Can I sleep downstairs tonight

so I can wish him a happy Christmas

when he comes home?

Of course you can, sweetheart.

And I'll put out some sherry for Santa.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Dear Santa Can you help me?

♪ I am feeling sad today

♪ I've been good I've been kind

♪ I've been helpful

♪ But my cheer has gone away

♪ Dear Santa Can you help me?

♪ I don't know what to do

♪ If I promise to be better

♪ Would you make my wish come true?

♪ I don't want to ride a reindeer

♪ Or a sunny holiday

Bring it down.

♪ I don't want a Christmas party

♪ Or a present from your sleigh

[HIGH-PITCHED] ♪ Dear Santa Can you help me?

♪ I'm feeling oh, so blue

♪ Dear Santa, Dear Santa Dear Santa

♪ Could you make my wish

[NOTE FALLS FLAT] ♪ Come true! ♪

[EXHALES]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

NARRATOR: Away went Belle's letter,

high up in the sky.

She just had to wait now for Santa's reply.

Would he have the answer?

Could this do the trick?

Belle put her trust in kindly Saint Nick.

She lay down her head,

her heart full of care,

dreaming that Santa would answer her prayer.

SANTA: Ho, ho... [GROANS]

Oh, come on!

My sack's caught on the flue.

NISTLE: You can't say that.

SANTA: Of course I can, it's a literal sack.

Not talking about my balls, am I?

SANTA: [GROANS] Okay, now my actual sack is caught.

[BANGING]

NISTLE: Robert? Robert. SANTA: [GRUNTING] Be careful.

NISTLE: Be careful, Robert!

[SANTA SCREAMING]

[ALL GRUNT]

[SANTA GRUNTING]

[CONTINUES GRUNTING]

Hand me the gifts.

[GROANS]

Bloody acting books! [PANTING]

Oh, sorry.

Come out! [PANTING]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Wake up, dear one.

-Santa? -Ho, ho, ho!

That's right.

I received your letter, Belle,

and it moved me greatly.

Are you sad, Belle?

I am, Santa.

Belle's sad.

-Aw! -AUDIENCE: Aw!

What are you doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Do not participate.

Unbelievable.

God, I just feel so dreadfully low.

That just won't do!

But don't worry,

because I've brought my two elves

to come and help you.

Come along, Nistle! Come along, Nostle!

NISTLE: Here I come! [CHIMES]

Hello, Santa!

NOSTLE: And here I come!

[CHIMES]

NOSTLE: I'm coming. [THUMPING]

I'm on my way.

Almost.

Al... [THUMPING CONTINUES]

Ah.

I shall remain.

SANTA: Nistle and Nostle are the happiest two el...

Two elves in all of Lapland.

That's because we're the closest of friends

and wherever you see Nistle...

NOSTLE: You're sure to see Nostle!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ We're Nistle

♪ And Nostle

♪ The closest of friends

♪ When we're both together

NOSTLE: ♪ The fun never ends

♪ If I'm feeling rotten

NOSTLE: ♪ Never despair!

♪ 'Cause Nostle will lift me up in the air!

♪ When Nistle goes

-NOSTLE: ♪ Nostle goes -[MUFFLED CLAP]

♪ And when Nistle goes...

-NOSTLE: ♪ Nostle goes... -[MUFFLED CLAP]

-♪ And when Nistle goes -[BELLS CHIMING]

NOSTLE: ♪ Nostle goes ♪

[BANGS] Ah!

Hey! [THUDS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

SANTA: Well. That was good.

Ah, Belle, I see you've left me some sherry.

How delightful.

[GROANS]

It's real sherry.

And some mince pies.

Delicious!

Delicious.

But Belle, you said in your letter

you don't feel the spirit of Christmas this year.

That's right, Santa.

Aw, well, this is serious.

Why don't you both have a mince pie?

And I'll have another nip of sherry

and we'll solve our troubles together.

Yes, we will!

[SANTA CHUCKLES]

[MUMBLING]

Just another nip.

Just a couple more nips.

Just a couple more nips.

That's a lot of nips.

-[STAMMERS] Are you really going to help me, Santa? -I will, in a minute.

I'm just working on something else quite complicated here.

Ah! Stop it! Stop! Stop!

Right, get out of the way!

That really was too many nips.

-Santa? -Hmm? Yes.

Well, in difficult times what you need is

a magfastic fagical friend.

A fanfastic magifal...

A fantastic vaginal friend.

A friend. A friend.

Perhaps an old friend of mine

can be a new friend of yours.

[MUSIC STARTS]

SINGER: ♪ When you're feeling blue,

♪ When you're all alone,

♪ When you don't know what to do

♪ And you're on your own

♪ All you need is a good friend

♪ A brand-new Christmas chum

♪ He'll get you smilin' and singin'

♪ And stop you feeling glum

♪ Ho, ho, ho! He, he, he!

♪ Let's all be merry and gay!

♪ He, he, he! Ho, ho, ho!

♪ A new friend's on his way!

-♪ Ho, ho, ho! -SANTA: Shh. Tommy,

I can take it from here.

[DRUNKENLY] ♪ Ho, ho, ho! He, he, he!

♪ Let's all be merry and gay!

Everybody!

-♪ He, he, he! -AUDIENCE: ♪ He, he, he!

-♪ Ho, ho, ho! -AUDIENCE: ♪ Ho, ho, ho!

♪ A new friend's...

[SHOUTING] Go on! Go on!

♪ Way

Oh, you've missed it now.

You missed it. That's the end. You say it there.

Right now...

Right now, we're going to do it.

We'll do it, "On his way." Three, four...

-♪ On his... -AUDIENCE: ♪ On his way...

Terrible. Absolutely terrible.

Again.

♪ On his...

AUDIENCE: ♪ Way

No, it's a D Flat.

♪ On his...

AUDIENCE: ♪ Way ♪

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We'll call it there

Don't patronize me.

Right, let's meet a new friend.

Right, stand back everyone.

Get ready to see some magic!

[CHIMES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hello, Santa!

Hello, Mr. Snowman!

Merry Christmas, my old friend.

Well, if you've called on me,

that must mean someone's lost their Christmas cheer.

That's right. Come inside and meet Belle!

I'll have to be careful I don't melt!

Oh, get over yourself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[EXCLAIMS]

Hello, Belle!

Hello, Mr. Snowman!

It's very nice to meet you!

I'm going to be your new best friend!

Give me a hug!

Yay!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We're going to have so much fun!

We can play together.

Every day's an adventure in the snow.

This is not your best work, Chris.

I'm always happy to make a new friend.

There we go, Belle. Don't you feel better now?

Yes, thank you, Santa.

Much, much better. [SOBS]

Oh, don't cry.

Us elves don't like it when people cry.

NOSTLE: I can't bear to look.

I'm sorry.

It seems like nothing can bring back my Christmas cheer.

[SOBBING]

Sometimes everyone feels sad.

Denise left me.

I've not gotten over that.

I'm sure I can cheer Belle up, Santa.

Most of the time I'm fine and then...

bam!

It hits you.

I'm always happy.

Why? You're essentially enslaved.

Why don't you take a look at what gifts Santa has brought

and see what there is for you?

[STAMMERS] Can we help you?

No! No it's fine.

I've got it.

I've practiced this.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah!

There!

It's a new doll!

Aw, thank you, Mr. Snowman.

It says on my list

that dolls aren't Belle's favorite toy.

-This calls for the toy machine. -Of course!

We can make it appear by magic!

Can't we, Nostle?

NOSTLE: I think I'm running out of air!

That's right!

-Ready, Nostle? -NOSTLE: Ready!

Here we go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Three.

NOSTLE: Two.

One!

[MUSIC FADES]

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

Wow!

This is the magical toy machine.

It can make anything you can dream of.

Any toy imaginable.

Not rude stuff, obviously.

Tell me, Belle,

what are your favorite things in the world?

Unicorns!

I think we can manage that, can't we, Nostle?

NOSTLE: My legs are numb!

[NOSTLE EXCLAIMS]

And here we go.

[MACHINERY WHIRRING]

[MACHINERY SQUEAKING]

Here we are.

One unicorn.

Oh, he's... He's beautiful.

And it's time for us to be on our way.

Of course. Lots more toys to be delivered!

But look, Santa,

Belle's still crying.

[SOBS]

What is it now? What a drain.

Christmas is hard for all of us, you know.

Where are my gifts?

Think about that.

What's wrong, Belle?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I love my new friend,

and my new doll and my new unicorn...

but I just still don't feel very happy.

Something else must be wrong.

Something else must be wrong!

Come on guys, switch on!

MAUDE: Belle?

What's all that noise?

Oh, it's Mummy! Hide!

SANTA: Quickly, behind the curtains.

Belle?

Are you awake, darling?

Sleep well, sweetheart.

[GASPS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Lawrence...

When are you coming back? It's gone 10:00.

What do you mean you're not?

It's Christmas Eve and we're all alone.

Belle's counting on you.

I'm counting on you.

Merry Christmas, Belle.

Now I know why you're so sad.

Oh, Belle,

family is the most important thing in the world,

especially at Christmas.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I'm a snowy old snowman

♪ With carrot nose and twig hands

♪ But I cannot deny

♪ That I adore

♪ A family by the fire

♪ It's all that I require

NOSTLE: Oh, no! [SCREAMS]

♪ Christmas is a time worth melting for

♪ Every snowflake is a tiny piece of winter

[SHOUTING] ♪ Each gust of wind a breath from winters old

♪ Now summer's disappeared without a whimper

♪ But you're not alone to face the cold

♪ For if a snowy old snowman

♪ With carrot nose and twig hands

♪ Is all we need to see the winter through

♪ Is all we need to see the winter through ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Did you enjoy that, Belle?

Not even that lifted my spirit.

Lifted mine.

Do your parents fight a lot, Belle?

[EXHALES] My mummy and daddy fight all the time.

And the truth comes out!

I don't want presents or even friends,

all I want is for my parents to be happy.

It's like Nostle always says.

NOSTLE: I'm horribly burned.

I just don't know what else we can try.

My buttons are made of biscuits.

We could all eat those.

Thank you, Mr. Snowman!

Mmm.

[GASPS]

Did that taste good?

Yes.

Didn't make you happy though, did it?

I'm afraid not, Nistle.

Of course it didn't. She just ate a plastic button off his pants.

Oh, Santa, remember,

we have still have presents to deliver tonight,

all over the world.

I'm sorry, Belle. Nipple's right.

We have to go.

Come on, Nozzle.

NOSTLE: We must return to the chimney.

You're already in the chimney, you fool.

The sleigh's in the garden anyway.

None of this play makes sense.

I shall return to the snow.

This is not your best work, Chris.

-Santa! It's time to leave. -Hmm!

Goodbye, Belle.

Merry Christmas.

Oh!

Oh, Santa, now you look sad.

I've never failed to bring Christmas cheer to a little one before.

It is a sad, sad Christmas.

And we've never known the magical toy machine not to work.

What a car crash.

-[CHIMES] -But Santa, look!

Sleep tight, Belle.

Lawrence?

Look what I found.

Is that the Christmas star?

Yes.

Oh, thank you so much, darling.

It must have fallen out on the garden path

when I was bringing in the decorations.

Splendid.

Now it really feels like Christmas.

Mummy? Daddy!

Oh, sorry, Belle.

I didn't mean to wake you.

Have you stopped fighting?

Yes, Belle.

Yes, we have.

I'm sorry I lost my temper.

I thought you were fighting because of me.

Of course not, sweetheart.

I'm sorry for arguing with you, darling.

[MAN GROANS]

Christmas isn't a time for fighting.

It's a time for love, kindness and understanding.

SANTA: You stupid man.

I hope you have a bad Christmas.

NISTLE: Oh, Santa. Look how happy Belle is now!

Perhaps we weren't needed here after all.

All she needed was the love of her mother and...

Oh, this is saccharine crap.

Give it six months, he'll be living in his car like I am.

Don't feel bad, it's a Honda Civic.

Right, time for bed, I think,

or Santa won't come!

I'm already here, you idiot!

[MIMICS CURTAINS CLOSING]

Merry Christmas, Belle.

Oh, thank you, Santa!

Thank you, Belle.

Let's have another one of those sherries.

No, I don't think that I should.

I'm only a little girl.

You're 26.

Right, come on. Final hurdle, here we go.

[STUTTERS] What have you learned?

Well, I've learned that at Christmas

I don't need presents and toys.

As long as I have my family in my heart,

I know I'll be happy.

Have you learned anything tonight, Santa?

Not really.

-Nothing? -No, I'll tell you one thing I have learnt.

Christmas, ultimately, commercial holiday.

Who's the real winner at Christmas?

I'll tell you who. Amazon.

They have drones now.

Tiny little dystopian sleighs

delivering iPads and headphones.

I ordered a toaster,

it was on the doorstep five hours later.

Do we need that?

It was 4.99.

For a toaster!

I mean, someone's being exploited there, aren't they?

Santa, I think we should...

I know! I know!

I expect you're all going to write in, aren't you?

Typical BBC audience.

Nothing better to do

than sit around complaining about my conduct.

Well, this time just leave it.

All right? Leave it.

Don't cut away. [GROANS]

We've had enough complaints this series,

no one even reads them anymore.

Do you know what we do with them?

We burn them.

In a massive weekly bonfire in the car park.

Which ironically generates a lot of complaints.

Santa, I think we should go.

Oh, yes, walk away!

-Just like Denise! -NISTLE: Oh!

Am I giving a good performance?

Aw! Bye-bye, Santa.

Wow. Hint taken.

Let's roll.

Hello, Rudolph.

Chris, you're having a shocker.

-Bye, Belle! -Bye, Santa!

Are you ready, Rudolph?

Clearly a matter for rehearsal, Dennis.

Remember, little ones,

if you're ever worried about a thing,

I'll come to your house.

A merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

NARRATOR: Belle's family were reunited.

They were full of festive cheer.

All looking forward

to a happy new year.