Original subtitles

[man on radio] …it looks good on the northwest toll.

Eastbound traffic is moving nicely this morning

from Meecham Road all the way down to River Road.

Westbound, there's now a 20-car backup

at the Devon Avenue Toll.

And on the Northbound I290 extension at Thorndale Avenue,

we had a spinout there,

and that car was blocking the right-hand lane

and also blocking the lane that's coming off of the, uh,

eastbound Thorndale Avenue entrance ramp

leading to the northbound, uh, I-290 extension.

This was causing a backup to Irving Park.

We have--

[alarm blaring]

Come on, chop, chop, we got relatives

invading this afternoon.

Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam, come on.

Everybody up.

♪♪

Oh, I think I have a fever.

You don't have a fever.

Shut your face.

Make me.

[phone ringing]

Dad, Mike hit me!

You liar!

Mike, come on, pal.

We got a wedding tomorrow.

Try to cooperate, will you?

Dad, I didn't hit her.

I'd like to very much and I probably will later,

but give me a break.

You know my method.

I don't hit her when you're just down the hall.

Pick on someone your own size.

Open this door.

Daddy, I'm the one getting married.

Not until tomorrow.

Come on, I got a mouthful of toothpaste.

I happen to have a serious problem.

Dad?

She got her period.

Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?

Where are you learning that stuff?

School.

Good.

Getting my money's worth.

[man on radio] Fantastic.

Just great.

What a great crowd and it was so much fun.

♪ It's a good thing you don't have bus fare ♪

♪ It would fall through the hole in your pocket ♪

♪ And you'd lose it in the snow on the ground ♪

♪ You got to walk into town to find a job ♪

♪ Trying to keep your hands warm… ♪

Chronologically, you're 16 today.

Physically…

…you're still 15.

[sighing]

Hopeless.

Nope.

I look exactly the same as I have since summer.

Utterly forgettable.

No, I didn't expect to wake up transformed.

I just thought that turning 16 would be so major

that I'd wake up with an improved mental state

that would show on my face.

All that shows is that I don't have any sort of a tan left.

I better get downstairs.

My family's probably pissed off I haven't let them

wish me happy birthday yet.

All right, I'll see you at school.

You need four inches of bod and a great birthday.

[horn honking]

-Where's my briefcase? -Where'd you leave it?

Don't be a smart-ass.

-Okay, I'll be a dumb-ass. -You already are!

[clattering]

Okay, where's Sam?

-Where's my briefcase? -Sam!

Allow me, Brenda.

Hey, birth defect!

You missed breakfast again.

It wasn't my idea to give her her own phone line.

I don't have my own phone line.

Grab a doughnut.

[horn honking]

It's totally infected.

It's small, it's brown, it's made of leather,

it has my initials on it.

And I believe-- that's it.

[horn honking]

Don't forget, the grandparents are coming this afternoon.

Are we still having dinner with the Rice Chex?

Rizczechs.

8:00 at the club.

Oh, and you better learn their names.

As of tomorrow, they're family.

That's a lovely thought.

When it comes your turn to get married, do me a favor--

elope.

-Who'd marry her? -Mr. T.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You'll have to buy lunch today.

I didn't have time to fix your carrots.

Yeah, well, she's only eating carrots

to increase the size of her breasts.

Mister, you had better shape up

or you will miss your sister's wedding.

Promise?

Now don't give me that pouty look of yours.

You can eat your carrots when you get home.

That's it?

You don't have anything else to say to me today?

What would you like me to say, Sam?

Come on now, honey.

You're gonna miss the bus.

Have a good day.

I can't believe this.

They fucking forgot my birthday.

♪♪

[girl] I'm sure they didn't forget your birthday.

They just didn't remember it right away.

Same difference.

I know it's a drag that you're Sweet 16's

the day before Ginny gets married, but big deal.

They'll remember.

Oh, easy for you to say.

Did anyone ever forget your birthday?

Come on, Sam.

Everything's just getting shittier.

My family forgetting my birthday just makes it more vivid.

What do you expect, a breakfast birthday party?

No, but they could have at least said happy birthday.

I mean, it was just like any other day.

Why don't you remind them?

They'll feel some massive guilt.

It could be highly profitable.

I wouldn't stoop to remind them.

Since I was about 12, I've been looking forward to my Sweet 16,

you know, a big party and a band

-and tons of people. -And tons of people.

And a big Trans-Am in the driveway

with a ribbon around it.

And some incredibly gorgeous guy that you meet like in France.

And you do it on a cloud

without getting pregnant or herpes.

I don't need the cloud.

Oh, just a pink Trans-Am and the guy, right?

-Black one. -Black guy?

A black Trans-Am.

A pink guy.

[school bell ringing]

Oh, no.

♪ To those nice nice nights ♪

♪ I remember always ♪

♪ Always I got such a fright ♪

♪ Seeing them in my dark cupboard ♪

♪ With my great big cake ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ And I was you and I was you ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ And I was you and I was you ♪

♪ If they were me and I was you ♪

♪ Would you have liked a present, too? ♪

♪ Happy, happy birthday in a hot bath ♪

♪ To those nice nice nights ♪

♪ I remember always always I got such a fright ♪

♪ Seeing them in my dark cupboard ♪

♪ With my great big cake ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ And I was you and I was you ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ And I was you and I was you ♪

♪ If they were me and I was you ♪

♪ Would you have liked a present, too? ♪

♪ Happy birthday happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday happy birthday ♪

[yawning]

♪ Happy birthday happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy… ♪

You swear to God you don't have it?

I don't know anything about it.

Jennifer Woods gave me a sex test during Child Development

and I was supposed to do it and pass it to you

in Independent Study.

I'm totally screwed.

Did you put your name on it?

-Hi, Sam. -Hi.

No, but it was really embarrassing.

I had to name who I'd do it with if I ever did it.

Who'd you name?

-Jake Ryan. -Jake Ryan?

He doesn't even know you exist.

Thank you.

That's a very nice thing to say.

I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan?

He's a senior and he's taken.

I mean, really taken.

I know.

It was supposed to be my ideal.

He's ideal for sure,

but forget it.

Oh, God.

I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me

who wrote it.

I'd shit twice and die.

Do you know Samantha Baker?

Sophomore, right?

Yeah, what do you think of her?

I don't.

Would you ever go out with her?

Depends on how much you paid me.

She's not ugly.

There's nothing there, man.

It's not ugly, it's just… void.

You know what I mean?

There's something about her.

I do Independent Study with her.

I catch her looking at me a lot.

It's kind of cool the way she's always looking at me.

Maybe she's retarded.

-I'm being serious. -Okay.

She looks at me like she's in love with me.

Jake, she's a child.

So?

So what are you going to do with her?

She's obviously too young to party serious.

Maybe I'm interested in more than a party.

Come on, Jake, you talk like you're hard up.

You got Caroline.

Now she's a wo-man.

♪♪

It's unbelievable.

I swear to God, Caroline Mulford

had to flunk about nine grades.

It truly makes me ill.

She's perfect.

Practically impossible to cut up.

She's supposedly real sweet.

Her brother's deaf and everybody in the world worships her.

And she's going with Jake.

I'm gonna kill myself.

My man.

[marching instruments blaring]

♪♪

I loathe the bus.

[sighing]

There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.

I hope you get a car for your birthday and a license.

[scoffing] Let's not hold our breath.

[radar guns beeping]

[chuckling]

-Score, a direct hit. -Score, a direct hit.

-On second thought. -On second thought.

♪♪

♪ Hey ♪

[man] Move it!

-Call me, okay? -You call me first.

Tell me what happened at home.

[scoffing] I can tell you right now.

Nothing.

Will you quit feeling sorry for yourself?

It's bad for your complexion!

♪♪

How's it going?

How's what going?

You know, things, life, whatnot.

Life is not whatnot

and it's none of your business.

So you going to New Faces dance tonight or…

That's also none of your business.

[sniffing]

Are you inhibited about dancing in public?

I mean… you don't have to dance.

I mean, you could just stand there and…

with me and my dudes and just be you.

Sounds major.

So, I mean, what's the story?

I mean, you got a guy or…

Yes, three big ones and they lust wimp blood.

So quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.

You know, I'm getting input here

that I'm reading as relatively hostile.

I mean, it's just--

Go to hell.

Very hostile!

Come on, what's the problem here?

I'm a boy, you're a girl.

Is there anything wrong with me trying to put together

some kind of relationship between us?

Okay, look, I know you have to--

Just answer me one question.

Yes, you're a total fag.

[chuckling]

That's not the question.

Am I turning you on?

[sighing]

It's encouraging.

-Very encouraging. -Yeah, uh-huh.

You know, a girl with a hat is just so… Vogue.

Yeah.

♪♪

[man] Where are my blue socks, Dorothy?

[Dorothy] You mean to tell me you didn't pack them?

Oh, not again, Howard.

Can't I trust you to do anything?

Do you expect me to do all the packing?

Well, at least I brought this for you.

It-- Sam!

[muttering] Samantha.

-Look. -Oh, look.

-Hi! -Hi!

Oh, God.

[laughing]

Oh, sweetheart.

My goodness, are you a sight for sore eyes.

Mwah!

And a mwah!

Oh, good, just look--

How are you, my little lamb chop?

-Oh! -Doing fine, Grandpa.

-Fine. -How are you guys?

Oh, pretty good.

Of course, I get the lower back pain every once in a while.

Oh, my corns are killing me.

My arthritis in my fingers, it bothers me quite a bit.

So are you-- you're sleeping up here?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, your Grandfather Fred jumped our claim on Sara's room,

so here we are, gotta sleep up here.

Well, I haven't seen you guys in a while.

Do I look any older today?

Oh, no, I wouldn't say so.

-Do you think so, darling? -No.

Oh, I hope it isn't cold tomorrow.

You know Ginny.

She'll refuse to wear a hat and coat over her wedding dress.

Well, if she does, you mustn't bug her because she'll--

Well, I'm not going to bug her.

I'm going to go set myself up in Mike's room,

so I'll see you guys later.

-Okay, sweetheart. -Oh, look, there she goes.

Grandpa and I are looking forward to a nice

long, long visit with you.

Aces.

We certainly are.

We really are.

See you a little later, darling.

We've got a lot…

I swear to God, this has got to be a joke.

Grandparents forgetting a birthday?

They live for that shit.

[toilet flushing]

♪ With my arms around you ♪

Well, well,

if it isn't Sammy Baker Davis, Junior!

[chuckling]

Hi, Grandpa.

Oh, I've got one for you.

Knock, knock.

-Who's there? -Who?

Who who?

Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.

[laughing]

Fred.

Fred, leave her alone.

You'll make her tinkle.

Oh, come on, Helen.

Oh, Sam, let me look at you.

Oh.

Fred, she's gotten her boobies.

[chuckling]

I better go get my magnifying glass.

Oh, and they are so perky.

♪♪

[sighing]

I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.

[gong ringing]

What's happening, hot stuff?

His name is Long Duk Dong.

[gong ringing]

What?

Long Duk Dong.

He came down with Grandma and Grandpa Baker.

He's an exchange student that's living with them.

Yeah, well, he's totally bizarre.

He is not.

He is a very sweet boy.

I just hope you boil the sheets and mattresses

after he leaves.

I don't suppose it makes any difference to you,

but there's a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike's room.

Ginny dumped Rudy

and he's her new fiancé.

Mike, stop it.

Sam, honey, do you think you could

help the grandmothers with supper?

Dad and I have to go to the club for dinner

with the Rice Chex.

Rizczechs.

Oh, Rizczechs.

Um, do you think that there's any reason that I should

possibly stay home tonight?

I think it might be nice if you'd visit with your

grandparents and Long Duk Dong.

-Who? -[gong ringing]

Oh, the weird Chinese guy in Mike's room.

Oh.

I think I have a dance to go to.

That's okay.

Oh, can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?

I can remember lots of things.

Hmm.

[sighing]

This is the single worst day of my entire life.

What the hell are you bitching about?

I have to sleep under some Chinaman

named after a duck's dork.

Where am I sleeping?

Sofa City, sweetheart.

♪♪

Do you think Grandpa Fred's going to embarrass me?

I don't know why not.

He does everyone else.

He already asked me if Rudy was the oily variety bohunk--

Is he?

Don't be cute.

I really love Rudy.

And he is totally enamored of me.

I mean, I've had men who've loved me before,

but not for six months in a row.

I think I'm in love.

So, how long have you been in love, hmm?

Well, it hasn't really happened yet.

So what's the deal?

I'm not sure that he knows I exist.

Sam, I really don't have time for this.

Well, I'm sorry.

I always listen to you talk about your boyfriends.

Darling, is something bothering you?

You're really acting like… an asshole.

And I think I know what it is.

I think you're jealous that I'm getting married

and that I'm getting all the attention, hmm?

You know, everybody in this family has just gone

totally Outer Limits.

No, Sam.

I think you're just being a little selfish and immature.

Oh, yes, that's it.

That's exactly it.

[door slamming]

Unbelievable.

You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.

♪♪

Very clever dinner.

Appetizing food fitting neatly into interesting,

uh, round pie.

-It's a quiche. -Mmm.

How do you spell?

Well, you don't spell it, son, you eat it.

[laughing]

Dong has only been in our country a short time, Fred.

I think we could all help him assimilate.

Oh.

Long Duk Dong is about your age, Sam.

You two should have a lot to chat about.

I love visiting with Grandma and Grandpa

and writing letters to parents

and pushing lawn mowing machine so Grandpa's

hyena don't get disturbed.

Hernia.

[Fred laughing]

Oh yes, yes, yes, indeedy.

He does the dishes and helps with the laundry.

You betcha.

May I be excused?

Where are you going?

I have a dance to go to.

At school.

It's a very important dance.

Uh, we're being graded on it.

For gym.

Wait a minute, I have a wonderful idea.

Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?

[gong ringing]

♪♪

I wonder if Jake's here.

I don't think it's too healthy to get all jacked up

about some guy that isn't even a thing yet.

Yeah, well, you don't have anything, you don't have

anything to lose, right?

That's a cheerful thought.

Let's go make ourselves available.

♪♪

That's the one, dude.

Scope it out.

She doesn't look like a freshman.

Sophomore, dude, sophomore.

Fully aged sophomore meat.

We do the bus together.

-You talked to her? -Talk?

Dude, I have a relationship with her

figured to like 17 digits.

You are such a liar.

We'll see about that, my man.

By night's end, I predict

that me and her will interface.

♪♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ I know this ♪

♪ Much is true ♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ I know this ♪

Check it out, Wease.

Pretty intense, huh? Over.

Whacks to the max. Over.

♪♪

[shrieking]

All right.

I knew you'd come around.

♪♪

Crank that, sister!

[whooping]

Very hot, very hot!

Tonight is when it's happening!

I'm blowing your mind, aren't I?

[whispering] I'm just getting warmed up!

[laughing]

[sighing]

[cheering]

Way to go, dick face.

She took off.

Don't spaz out, okay, Wease?

The situation will come online.

Yeah?

I'll bet you a dozen floppy discs you don't even get a tit.

You got a bet, scumbag.

-I'll get it all. -Take off.

You wouldn't even be able to prove it anyway.

A, don't hit me.

Secondly, what kind of proof do you want?

-Video. -Video.

No way, okay?

I can just see the thing getting duped a thousand times

and like winding up on cable somewhere.

Try again.

-Underpants. -Underpants.

No problem, buttlick.

-Girls' underpants. -Girls' underpants.

♪ One, two ♪

♪ And your girlfriend sweet little 17 ♪

♪ She's got her layered hair ♪

♪ And her flared jeans ♪

♪ You know what that means ♪

♪ She's just a little queen ♪

♪ She shares your London flat ♪

♪ She thinks that London's where it's at ♪

♪ Although it stinks and when it rains ♪

♪ You wear your hat ♪

♪ And your plum-colored PVC wet-look maxi mac ♪

♪ You tie your ginger hair back in a bun ♪

[nose blowing]

♪ You're the ugliest creature under the sun… ♪

So what's your name?

Dong.

What's your first name?

Long.

What's your middle name?

Duk.

I bet all the boys chase you plenty in this school, huh?

Nobody's caught me yet.

Bet you you big teaser, huh?

No.

I run the 40 in five flat.

Flat?

Hey.

I'm really sorry, man.

Whatever I did was an accident.

I-I-I mean, I didn't mean to--

Relax.

You-- you were dancing with a girl.

Oh, man, I'm really, I'm really sorry.

I must have been on drugs five minutes ago.

-I didn't even know-- -Do you know her?

She grabbed me, guy.

I'm totally innocent.

Is she-- is she yours?

What do you know about her?

She has smallish tits.

Decent voice.

Smells pretty good.

She drives me crazy.

Did she come here with you?

No, no.

But if it's okay with my dad, she's going home with me.

♪♪

Excuse me.

[girls giggling]

Do you guys wanna blow off this dance?

Yes.

I am bored to the brink of insanity.

And go where?

Jake's parents aren't home. We can do his house.

How's it going?

Fine.

Let's party light, though.

Jake's paranoid about his parents' house getting trashed.

Again!

♪ One single moment ♪

♪ The hours I'd spend investigating ♪

♪ The way of loving ♪

♪ And discovered ♪

♪ You ♪

♪♪

Ooh.

Okay.

All right.

Trying to get a little bit of water.

Yeah.

Yes, I'm back.

So I smell.

It's my shaving cream.

You wanna feel a real clean, close shave?

I'll pass.

Couldn't find anyone else to bug, huh?

Come on, you know you're the one I wanna bug, huh?

This is my friend Randy and that's Jimmy Montrose.

How do you do?

-This is Farmer Fred. -Ted.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is Farmer Ted.

I'm not really a farmer.

I'm a freshman.

Geek, can I be honest with you?

Not if you're going to insult me.

Okay.

Shoot.

Get the hell outta here.

Nice… nice manners, babe!

She's totally serious, ass-wipe.

Chill.

You wanna split with me?

I just…

I don't know--

I can't handle this.

…want something, you gotta ask for it, you know?

I mean, I'm not the kind of guy…

It's embarrassing.

I don't know, I just, I just--

[chuckling]

[clattering]

♪♪

I'm really sorry about what happened in the gym.

I-- I had no idea you couldn't dance.

[clattering]

What a decent night, huh?

It's my birthday.

[imitating guitar riff]

♪ You say it's your birthday ♪

♪ It's my birthday, too ♪

Don't do that, okay?

♪ Hey, Jude ♪

Just stop it, okay?

I mean, it's really been a shitty birthday for me.

No offense, but I don't need a serenade right now.

What's wrong, you didn't get anything good or…

I didn't get shit.

Not even "happy birthday."

My whole family just sort of blew it off.

I'd freak if my family forgot my birthday.

It's a brand-new year.

I'm 16.

Everything should be platinum.

I should be happy, right?

-Right? -Yeah.

Well, I can't get happy.

It is physically impossible for me to get happy.

Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets or…

Don't gross me out.

No, we're not talking gross here, no.

It's just-- it's just embarrassing.

This information cannot leave this room, okay?

It would devastate my reputation as a dude.

No problem.

I've never bagged a babe.

I'm not a stud.

[laughing]

I got the rep in sixth grade.

And it like-- I don't know, it stuck with me.

I'm still on hold.

Look, I'd appreciate you not laughing, okay?

I'm sorry.

That's not what I meant.

I meant…

Hey, time out, Junior! [horn honking]

Pardon me.

It's okay.

[bell dinging]

I meant that it's okay that you did it once,

but I didn't mean for you to do it again!

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

You know, just now I really felt how much you liked me.

You're probably zoning in on my brain waves or something.

Well, not really, I felt it on my leg.

Come on, I don't want to see it!

Oh.

Sorry if I embarrassed you.

I'm not embarrassed.

Fresh breath is a priority in my life.

You know, I really don't want to hurt your feelings 'cause

it's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.

I care about it, really.

I mean…

I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight

and everything, but that's just so my friends won't think,

you know, I'm a jerk.

But they're all pretty much jerks though, aren't they?

Yeah, but…

the thing is I'm kind of like the leader, you know?

Kinda like the king of the dipshits.

Well, that's pretty cool.

Hey, but a lot can happen over a year.

I mean, you could come back next fall

as a completely normal person.

-Yeah? -Sure.

Would it be totally off the wall if…

if I asked if I could have sex with you?

Yeah, well, you asking me is not as off the wall

as why I won't.

VD?

No.

I'm sort of saving myself.

It's really stupid.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Who?

Who?

Jake Ryan.

You like Jake?

Ja-- Jake's my boy!

I just talked to Jake in the gym.

He asked me about you.

-Did not! -He did, too.

He did.

He asked me what you were like.

Oh, my--

Oh-- If you're lying, I'll beat the crap out of you.

I'm not lying.

Oh, my God, what should I do?

Should I go up to him?

And should I say, "Hi, Jake, I'm Samantha."

Or, no, maybe I should let him come to me.

This is not my department.

But what if I decide to let him come to me

and then he forgets?

Or then what if he changes his mind

and then I'm totally screwed, right?

Probably so.

What would you do if you were me?

I'm a gambling man by nature

and, uh… I'd go for it.

This is so strange, but I think I will.

Oh, you're the best.

Wait, um…

What?

Do you know anything about floppy disks?

Uh, we'll talk about this on the bus, okay?

Well, no, see, the thing is, I've got kind of a problem.

Floppy disks are pretty expensive and, you see,

the thing is I made a bet with my friends.

The-- the dipshits.

Um, I bet them that I'd do it with you.

But this was before I knew you as a person.

I can get proof without actually getting physical.

How?

Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

♪ Hope you're feeling time ♪

I think it's time to blow this thing off and go to your house.

Yeah?

I told Tracy and Robin and those guys

to come to your parents' house, okay?

I told them not to tell anybody.

God, I love it when your parents are outta town.

I fantasize that I'm your wife and we're like the richest,

most popular adults in town.

I owe all my great weekends to you.

What's your problem?

What?

You've been acting weird all night.

Are you screwing around?

Me?

Are you crazy?

I don't know, Jake.

I'm getting strange signals.

Well, they're not coming from me.

Look, everything's fine.

Don't have a cow.

Okay.

But just remember one thing.

I can name 20 guys who would kill to love me.

Is that a threat?

It's a fact, Jake.

Come on, before we get in a big, wicked fight,

let's get outta here, huh?

Hi, Jake, I'm Samantha.

How's it going?

Do you got a cigarette?

Jake, this may sound incredibly dumb,

but I love you and I'll do anything to make you love me.

I love your shirt.

Jake, you're not gonna believe this,

but I had this very bizarre dream and you were in it.

[man] Get in there and dance!

For the last time, I'm not going to tell you again.

Just act like a man.

[boy] I wanna go home, I wanna be with you guys.

♪♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Are my desire ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You make me cry ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Are my desire ♪

♪ Oh, baby, you, you, you ♪

♪ You will make me cry ♪

♪ Got to find you know you're out there ♪

♪ I got to get you… ♪

I can't believe I'm such a jerk.

He smiles at me and I don't say anything.

And I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

-What year are you? -Freshman.

Give me a buck.

Okay, get in.

[all chattering]

Shut up!

Bryce?

Ted?

Go for it.

[drumroll]

[all oohing]

♪♪

[tires screeching]

Hey, uh, listen, uh…

I wanna thank you for loaning me the Donger.

[horn honking]

He's really bitchin'.

That's okay.

You guys make a great couple.

I've never been so happy in my whole life.

You maniac.

Now I have a place to put my hand.

So basically, Jimmy,

my business is video game arcades,

laundry, cigarette machines,

and trucking.

I dabble a little bit in personal loans and politics.

Very nice.

I think that all that really matters

is that the kids are happy together.

Just as long as my beautiful boy remembers

that marrying this one means

he's outta the girl-of-the-month club.

Hey, wait a minute.

[snorting]

I can still look.

I just can't touch.

Right?

-Ooh, sensitive, huh? -Rudy.

-Cheers. -Right on.

Ahh…

You do shots?

Come on, wolf it.

Whoo!

♪♪

[tires screeching]

Uh, good night, Marlene.

See you later, Dong.

Sammy, tell Grandpa not to wait up.

Let's go boogie.

Sure.

[tires screeching]

Donger's here for five hours and he's got somebody.

I live here my whole life and I'm like a disease.

♪♪

♪ So Vinnie got a rock guitar ♪

♪ She got a lot of what she got ♪

♪ Joanne is stuck but so what ♪

♪ She gotta get you to the job ♪

♪ We're hangin' out in Vinnie's car ♪

♪ We like the really loud guitar ♪

♪ Don't ever seem to get too far ♪

♪ Spend all our money in a bar ♪

[guests shouting]

Everybody, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Jake.

Jake, this is… everybody.

All right, whose is this?

You're such a poop.

[clattering]

[screaming]

[clattering]

Woof!

[beeping]

Shit, Ted, that's my mom, I gotta get home.

Change your frequency, okay?

Don't be such a wimp.

Take those ridiculous things off, okay?

Will you guys grow up?

Ted, won't we get pounded if we go to a senior party?

Wease, we got $70

and we got a pair of girls' underpants.

We're safe as kittens, okay?

This is a great social opportunity for us.

Come on.

[beer cans clanking]

Do not embarrass me, okay?

For sure, we won't.

Will you fix your hair, Bryce?

I already did.

Wease, close your barn, all right.

[fly zippering]

And be polite to his parents, all right?

[gong ringing]

Hey!

Come on in and party hearty, dude persons!

[cackling]

He's from outta town, okay?

He speaks English, right?

Don't be such faggots.

Man, shut up.

Kidding, sorry.

-Think we're gonna die? -Definitely.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

Did you put the cat out?

We don't have a cat.

Come on, damn it, answer.

[phone ringing]

Oh, eat me.

[dial tone]

Who is it?

What did they want?

Sex.

♪♪

Geek!

[clattering]

Very nice!

We're here five minutes and…

I'm at a loss.

[beer cans clattering]

Real smooth, Cliff.

[growling]

[gong ringing]

You know…

I've never been out with a boy before.

Oh, me neither.

[phone ringing]

[Caroline] Jake?

Where are you, Jake?

Jakey, have you stopped loving me?

Leave me alone.

What?

I'm sorry, I don't do that.

-Yes, you do. -I know.

Come on.

[Caroline] Trace, you guys.

Would you guys help me please?

Oh, shit.

Come on, you guys, I'm your prom queen.

[laughing]

Trace, you guys, I'm serious.

Come on, I need help.

Okay.

What's the problem?

Several things.

[laughing]

Okay, we'll help you.

Well…

Don't go away, Caroline, baby.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hello?

Listen, I know you're there.

I can hear you breathing.

Yes, hello, sir, um--

Are you the little bugger

that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?

Would it be possible for you to tell me if there

is a Samantha Baker there?

And if so, sir, may I converse her briefly?

Yes, it is, and no, you may not.

Might I leave a message, sir?

He wants to leave a message for Sam.

Here, give me that phone.

Now you listen to me, mister.

God did not put me on this earth

to be awakened by filthy suggestions

from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you.

And as for our granddaughter,

I'm sure she has more than enough sense

to stay clear of the likes of you.

Now goodnight and good-bye.

[dial tone]

That was great.

Sam's lucky she has us, Howard.

Yeah.

Even if she doesn't appreciate us.

You promise you won't get mad?

No, I love you.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Scalpel.

Oh, my God.

[applauding]

I don't know how to thank you enough.

My pleasure.

Oh.

[gong ringing]

Oh!

[man] Nice shot.

Wow.

[girl] I hope they have insurance.

♪♪

[beer cans clattering]

[music skipping]

What a disaster.

[beer can clattering]

♪♪

[whimpering]

♪♪

Jake!

[Jim] Sam.

Sweetheart.

Daddy?

Hi, kiddo.

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

Everything's fine.

I was just upstairs and I couldn't sleep.

I feel like a real jerk, honey.

We forgot your birthday.

♪♪

I bet you're really PO'd, huh?

No, it's okay.

I'm not really all that upset anymore.

This wedding is really

turning this entire house inside out.

And I just came down to tell you that we did remember.

Thanks, Dad.

Happy birthday.

Is something else wrong?

-No, why? -I don't know.

I just get the feeling that something's bothering you.

Something other than your birthday.

No, I'm fine.

Really.

I think I know what it is.

It has to do with a certain guy?

[sighing]

I know, honey, I know.

We're all upset that Ginny's marrying a bohunk.

What's the matter?

[sighing]

I meant Jake.

Jake?

Wait a minute, I thought she said his name was Rudy.

Forget it.

Forget what? Who's Jake?

He's a boy, Daddy.

It's nothing, okay?

Just forget it, please?

Come on, Sam, we're not communicating.

It's extremely embarrassing, okay?

What's embarrassing?

Sitting in the dark with your dad,

telling him about your love life.

I'm afraid you lost me again, Sam.

Jake is a senior

and he's beautiful and perfect

and I like him a real lot and he doesn't like me, okay?

Oh.

And he's got this incredible girlfriend.

I'm just this ridiculous dork

that's following him around like a puppy.

Why do you think you're a dork?

I don't think you're a dork.

I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.

Mike thinks I'm a dork.

Mike is a dork.

So am I.

Well, if it's any consolation, I love you.

And if this guy can't see in you

all the beautiful and wonderful things that I see,

then he's got the problem.

I know.

It just hurts.

That's why they call them crushes.

If they were easy, they'd call them something else.

You know, if I were Ginny,

I'd have this guy crawling on his knees.

Well, let me tell you something about Ginny.

Now, I love her as much as I love you,

but she's a different person.

Sometimes I worry about her.

You know, when you're given things kind of easily,

you don't always appreciate them.

With you, I'm not worried.

When it happens to you, Samantha, it'll be forever.

Well, I don't think I'll be able to sleep

if I don't feel this little talk has helped you.

So would you be a sport and lie to me?

Yeah, sure, Daddy.

-Goodnight, sweetheart. -Goodnight.

Oh, one more thing, sweetheart.

What?

When you do find the right guy,

don't let him boss you around.

Make sure he knows

you wear the pants in the family.

♪♪

♪♪

These are really hers?

Yeah.

How did you get 'em?

She gave 'em to me.

Did you…

No.

No, Jake.

She's crying for you.

I told her you asked about her, right?

The girl freaked.

She had a hissy.

She thinks you're the cat's meow.

-Really? -Yeah.

She came up to me in the gym tonight

and she looked at me like I was a leper.

Girls'll do that, Jake, you know?

You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right?

They know this shit and they enjoy pumping us up.

It's pure power politics, I'm telling you.

I thought she hated my guts.

Games, Jake.

Silly torturous games.

You know how many times a week I go without lunch

because some bitch borrows my lunch money, you know?

Any halfway decent girl can rob me blind

because I'm too torqued-up to say no.

It's heinous, I'm telling you.

You better not be dicking me around.

It would be a major downer to try and get together with this

girl and find out she really does think I'm a slime.

Jake, would I dick you?

Let me put it to you this way…

what happens to me if I dick you?

I'd kick your ass.

Right.

So why would I lie?

But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake,

I mean, if all you want off the girl is a piece of ass,

I mean, I'll either do it myself

or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass.

I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society

today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

I can get a piece of ass anytime I want.

Shit, I got Caroline in the bedroom right now,

passed out cold.

I could violate her 10 different ways if I wanted to.

What are you waiting for?

I don't know.

She's beautiful and she's built and all that.

I'm just not interested anymore.

Does that really matter, guy?

Yeah, it matters.

She's totally insensitive.

Look what she did to my house.

She doesn't know shit about love.

The only thing she cares about is partying.

I want a serious girlfriend.

Somebody I can love who's going to love me back.

Is that psycho?

[spitting]

That's beautiful, Jake.

You know, I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do.

Really?

Yeah, it's just they don't--

they don't have the balls to admit it, you know what I mean?

I mean, they're just-- they're wimps.

Samantha, she's really special, you know?

I'll make a deal with you.

Let me keep these.

I'll let you take Caroline home.

But you gotta make sure she gets home.

You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere.

Okay?

Jake, I'm only a freshman.

So?

She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

Jake, I don't have a car.

You can take mine.

Jake, I don't have a license.

I trust you.

Jake, I'd love to.

I can't.

Want a pretzel?

You sure?

Positive.

I got her.

-You got her? -Yeah.

Is this your car, Jake?

No, this is my dad's car.

You said you couldn't drive a stick.

This is a mother…

This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.

-So? -So?

So!

I heard the grill alone costs five grand on this.

Five grand.

Do you have five grand?

I don't have five grand!

Then don't hit anything.

Oh, don't hit anything.

Do you want to do this or not?

No.

Who the hell-- who does he…

♪♪

[gasping]

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

-Who's he? -That's me.

Who are you?

I'm him.

Oh.

Okay.

She's totally gone. Have fun.

Thanks.

Jake, is your dad a big man or…

About 6' 4".

Very nice.

Whoa.

[clattering]

Whoa.

Easy.

Easy… easy.

♪♪

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

♪ Hey sucker ♪

♪ What the hell's got into you? ♪

[long laughing]

♪ Hey sucker ♪

[laughing continues]

[snorting]

Oh, sexy girlfriend!

Bonsai!

♪♪

[beer cans clattering]

[beer cans clattering]

[car doors closing]

Think they liked us?

Definitely.

Whoo! Go, darling geek!

Uh, should we turn that music down a little bit?

I'm a first-time driver.

I really-- I really need to concentrate.

Excuse me!

Stop that.

It looks like rain, better put the top up.

Will you stop that?

You're gonna get us in a lot of trouble doing that.

This is a car.

[tires screeching]

Somebody's gonna run a triple A on it already.

Chug-a-lug, Pooh bear.

[laughing]

I can't believe you're so popular acting like this.

[bottle shattering]

[car phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, I don't know.

I'll have to look.

Mr. Ryan, are you in here?

-He's, uh… -Where are you?

Mr. Ryan's not in right now.

My Christmas present to you.

Thank you.

No, I'm really serious.

See, see?

Thank you.

[laughing]

Now we're both on the pill.

[spitting]

You gave me a birth-control pill?

Do you have any idea what that'll do to a guy my age?

I know exactly what it'll do to a girl my age.

…my car and then-- shit.

It makes it okay to be really super careless.

Wait, wait.

[horn honking]

Ha-ha.

Look, we're not going any further until you stop these

childish antics, Caroline.

Don't be such a poop.

Hmm.

On second thought.

I love you.

This is getting good.

♪♪

[Caroline] Wow!

[clattering]

[dog barking]

Ted?

What the hell are you doing?

Are those humongous jocks back?

Cliff, do you have any film in your camera?

What?

Take those ridiculous things off!

Do you have any film in your camera?

Sure.

Okay, you guys go get it and bring it outside, okay?

-Right out front. -What for?

Look, just get it and come on out front, okay?

UFO?

It's better.

Extraterrestrial?

It's better, all right?

Just get it and come on outside.

-Female extraterrestrial? -Female extraterrestrial?

It's better than-- shh!

Better than a female extraterrestrial?

How do you tell if it's a female?

'Cause it's got tits.

What makes them different than regular tits?

They got four.

Just get the camera, it's in the closet.

Don't go in the closet.

[clattering]

[dog barking]

Such assholes, I can't believe it.

…photography.

Well, it's not mine, you should check that out.

Why do you always have to argue?

-I'm not arguing. -Yes, you are.

-I'm not. -Yes, you are.

I am not.

Every time I try to do something, it's always

bitch, bitch, bitch--

Bitch is a female dog.

I'm not either.

What's that supposed to mean?

-Shit. -Shoot.

♪♪

Ted, that's a Rolls-Royce.

Ted, that's the prom queen.

You got two girls in one night.

I told you dudes I was hot.

Hot? Ted, you're a legend!

Will you shut up?

People around here work, all right?

And will you hurry it up?

I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.

Come on.

You know, Ted, nobody's gonna believe you.

That, my friends, is what the pictures are for.

Okay?

Just get that thing there.

All right, you guys ready?

Wait, hold on.

You guys know what you're doing here or what?

All right, just a minute.

-How does this look? -Very nice.

Wait a minute, you know, black-and-white,

it would just capture the moment so nicely, wouldn't it?

-Oh… -Oh…

Will you take the picture already?

You're pissing me off.

I'm telling you.

Smile, pumpkin.

What?

Oh, pictures!

Cheers!

♪♪

♪♪

[long chuckling]

[dog sniffing]

Oh, Marlene, Marlene!

[laughing]

Oh, boy…

Mike, honey, go get dressed.

I can't believe it, Ginny's not in the shower.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Grandpa Fred was in there for a half an hour.

It's totally polluted.

Get dressed.

It's your nose.

They never listen.

What was he wearing?

Well, he would have-- let's see.

He was wearing a red argyle sweater

and tan trousers and red shoes.

Hmm?

No, he's not retarded.

Now, what can I do to help?

Well, you could finish the French toast.

Good.

I'll, um, I'll just open the doughnuts.

Good thinking.

Whoops.

Don't wanna lose the nails.

I'll just wait 'til I hear from you then.

Voilà!

Breakfast is ready.

Oh, Sam.

Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday.

It's okay.

I'll recover.

It's important to you

and yesterday morning you were trying to tell me.

It's okay, Mom.

These things sometimes happen.

Oh, honey, I just feel miserable.

You'll feel better.

Who died?

Uh…

is there something you want to say to your sister?

What? Are you kidding?

Where should I start?

I mean about her birthday.

It was yesterday.

We all forgot.

[chuckling]

Classic.

[door closing]

Deep down, he's really sorry.

-No, he's not. -No, he's not.

I have to go to this wedding

and look like Miss Pretty Princess

in this dipshit's bridesmaid's dress.

I don't have one-tenth of the bod to fill

the stupid bust up.

So what?

Should I just waste myself and spare the agony?

I was gonna tell you something,

but maybe I shouldn't.

It's pretty bad.

You may as well.

Nothing could shock me anymore.

Last night at the dance,

my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

Ahh!

Jeez, I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish.

Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

♪♪

Sam, you're dragging your dress, honey.

Pick it up.

Come on, Ginny.

Hurry up.

Do not fuss at your sister.

It's her wedding day.

Big deal.

All right, is everybody in?

♪ He frowns ♪

♪ Gee, my life's a funny thing ♪

♪ Am I still too young ♪

♪ All night ♪

♪ She wants the young American ♪

♪ Young American young American ♪

♪ She wants the young American ♪

♪ All night ♪

♪ She wants the young American ♪

♪ Scanning life through the picture window ♪

♪ She finds the slinky vagabond ♪

♪ He coughs as he passes her Ford Mustang ♪

♪ But Heaven forbid she'll take anything ♪

♪ But the freak and his type all for nothing ♪

♪ He misses a step and cuts his hand ♪

♪ But showing nothing he swoops like a song ♪

[Fred] Hey, Howard, there's your Chinaman.

[Howard] Oh, thanks, Fred.

Bye, Dong.

What the--

What's he doing on the ground there?

[Dorothy] What happened? What happened?

Hold a mirror in front of his mouth!

Howard, he's dead!

Aw, shit.

I pay seven grand for a wedding, I'll never see it.

Oh, watch your language, Mr. Dirty Mouth.

Oh, thank God, he is still warm.

Oh, good.

Here, help me roll him over.

I'll help you, Howard.

-Oh… -Shh…

Canine cologne.

Oh, no more yanky my wanky.

The Donger need food.

[laughing]

Hell, he's three sheets to the wind.

He's drunk as a skunk.

Oh, why don't you shut up, Fred-- shut up.

Dong.

Dong.

Dong, Grandpa is talking to you.

[laughing]

Dong.

Where is my automobile?

Automobile?

[laughing]

[imitating engine revving]

[imitating crashing]

Lake.

Big lake.

Why you little scuzzbag!

Ow!

[bells tolling]

Oh, my.

Is everything all right?

I was afraid you'd had an accident.

I wish.

Her monthly bill came early.

Oh, well, she's fine.

She just took a muscle relaxer.

Try four.

You didn't.

Mother.

♪♪

Damn, Mom, I got my head gear on.

Will you wake up?

Where the hell am I?

I'll, uh, tell you where you are

if you'll tell me who you are.

Farmer Ted.

You're in the parking lot across the street

from my church.

You own a church?

What happened?

I have no idea.

Uh, did I do that to your hair?

At this point, anything is possible.

Um…

Did, um…

…did we, um--

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure.

Um, excuse me, but, uh…

do you know if--

I mean, did I-- did I enjoy it?

Am I nuts? Of course I enjoyed it.

I mean, um, what I meant was, um…

did you?

Hmm.

You know, I have this weird feeling I did.

[organ playing]

Here, Ginny, drink this.

Come on… come on.

Here.

[slurping]

Wow.

Do I feel funky.

Uh-huh.

[doorbell ringing]

[doorbell ringing]

Okay, I'm coming.

Hello?

Jeez, this place is so confusing.

Okay.

Ahh, ahh, ahh!

Go away! I call FIB! I call police!

Go away!

Open the door.

No way, José!

Open the door.

You beat up my face!

You grabbed my nuts.

[gong ringing]

-That you? -Yeah, that me.

Oh, so sorry.

I thought you my new style American girlfriend.

Forget it, man.

Just get Samantha, all right?

She not here.

Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?

-She got married. -What?

She at the church.

She get married to oily bohunk.

-Married? -Married.

-Married? -Yeah, married.

Married?

Married!

Jeez!

[organ playing]

Are you going to be all right, sweetie?

It's gonna be a piece of cake, Bren.

Um, Ginny, I'm really happy for you.

I'm sorry for being kind of a jerk lately.

That's really lovely, Sam.

I know you'll have a great marriage.

[thudding]

[Brenda] Ginny!

Holy shit.

She just had a cramp.

[Jim] I don't care what she's got. Look at her!

[Brenda] Jim, would you please be quiet?

We don't want to announce to everyone

-that she has her period. -[all gasp]

I guess those guys who thought we had to get married

feel pretty stupid right about now, huh, Padre?

[organ playing]

♪ Here comes the bride… ♪

[blowing raspberry]

Love the teapot.

[bells jingling]

[giggling]

Could you move over?

-You okay? You all right? -I gotta rest.

What's the matter?

Here comes the bride.

Up, up!

Up… up.

[all murmuring]

I got it, I got it!

Hi.

I know you.

Can't see with this thing on.

[chuckling]

I never went out with a freshman.

Not even when I was a freshman.

Me either.

You were pretty crazy.

-I was? -Yeah.

But you know what I like best?

My clean, close shave?

No.

Waking up in your arms.

These things?

-Shit. -Hmm?

Jake!

Jake!

Holy shit.

Stay here, okay?

Oh, my God.

I'm dead.

[car phone ringing]

Hello?

[Wease] Ted, you never called us back.

What happened?

Look, Wease, I told you not to call me here.

Ted, we're dying.

What happened?

You want to know what happened?

-Buy the book. -Ted--

I'm really sorry about getting you mixed up with that guy.

Oh, it's okay.

It wasn't too terrible.

Weird?

I'm really sorry about last night.

The party.

Lots of things.

You know, neither one of us is gonna die…

if it doesn't happen for us.

That's true.

I just don't know right now.

But I'm covered, okay?

I won't get hurt.

Sure.

I'll leave it up to you.

Fine.

[bells tolling]

Whoo!

Her veil!

[glass shattering]

[camera clicking]

Come on, honey…

Honey, come on.

Time to go.

[man] Bon voyage!

See you later.

Bye!

So long, kids!

[screaming]

[horn honking]

[rattling]

Oh, hi.

Uh, my sister forgot her veil.

I know she wouldn't want anything to happen to it.

She's, uh, she's a little out of it.

Just a little bit.

Yeah.

Uh… well, excuse me.

Everybody's waiting for me.

I-- I wanna make sure I see my sister leave.

Good-bye.

Bye. Oh, I need a drink.

[rattling]

♪♪

♪ If you were here… ♪

Yeah, you.

♪ If you were here you would believe ♪

♪ Would you suspect… ♪

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I heard you were here.

You came here for me?

Is that okay?

Yeah, it's okay.

Do you have to go to the reception now?

I'm supposed to.

Can I call you later?

Sure.

I mean, no.

No, I can't call you later?

Yeah.

No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.

Oh, great.

Thanks for getting my undies back.

Thanks for coming over.

Thanks for coming to get me.

Happy birthday, Samantha.

Make a wish.

It already came true.

♪ lf you were here ♪

♪ l could deceive you ♪

♪ lf you were here ♪

♪ You would believe ♪

♪ But would you suspect ♪

♪ My emotion wandering? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Do not want a part of this anymore ♪

♪♪

♪ 16 candles ♪

♪ Make a lovely light ♪

♪ But not as bright ♪

♪ As your eyes tonight ♪

♪ Blow out the candles ♪

♪ Make your wish come true ♪

♪ For I'll be wishing ♪

♪ That you love me, too ♪

♪ You're only 16 ♪

♪ But you're my teenage queen ♪

♪ You're the prettiest ♪

♪ The loveliest girl ♪

♪ I've ever seen ♪

♪ 16 candles ♪

♪ In my heart will glow ♪

♪ And ever and ever and ever ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ For I love you so ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ 16 candles ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

♪ In my heart will glow ♪

♪ Forever and ever and ever ♪

♪ For I love you so ♪

♪ Oh, I love you so ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪